The NoZe the rope vol. 81/no.4 Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on, Bro. LongNoZe, Satch! HRGS! BSSS! BMMC! BUHCC! Oh my brothers the time has arrived! In Elm Mott the funny is never in short supply, so we Los Hermanos del NoZe suppose it’s time to bring you another dose of the long-awaited, hotly debated, expertly conjugated hilarity that gets us sued. You’ve waited with breath bated for our humble semi-soberly publication of self-gratification in hopes that maybe, just maybe, there’ll be another chance to UNRUSH the beloved and hated, but generally appreciated, bas- tions of student liberté, égalité and les jokes about les fraternités. Besides, with a new(?) president in town and haplessly hopeless hijinks behind every Neo-Gothic, yet Georgian building on campus, our prose producing polypeptides are percolating with our peculiarly playful way of saying we love to give Baylor our Two Cents, even if it means we had to spend thousands upon thousands of other cents just to make tuition. We wouldn’t have it any other way, though, dear reader, because irony is bliss, and every NoZe has it’s thorn. Just like every gay cowboy sings a sad sad song that’ll let him sweep the Academy Awards, we’ll keep doing our best to sweep this place clean of complacency. God, I wish I knew how to quit you, Brother Samir! Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchellllliiiiiiiisssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-e-i-e-i-mo! PAGE 2 THE ROPE Brotherhood Cunning Linguist lorde mayor Bro. TheNoZeous Monk (1) Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe (7) shekel keeper e-brO Bro. NoZe Sequitor (6) Bro. NoZe, Table for Six (5) The Venerable Exiles Bro. Al PaciNoZe The Brothers Bro. Huey P. NoZeton Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte (10) Bro. NoZe Def Bro. Ultra MagNoZe Bro. Fatz DomiNoZe (9) Bro. Keyser NoZé Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar Bro. NoZe b4 Hoes (2) Bro. CaNoZebus Bro. NoZeB-GYN (11) Bro. 867-530NoZe Bro. NoZe Better* Bro. NoZeanderthal Bro. DyNoZemite Bro. NoZetta Stone The Hangin on Bro. Rocky MarchiaNoZe Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi Bro. Mu-mu-mu-my SharoNoZe Bro. Obi Wan KeNoZebi The Bored of Graft Bro. XeNoZe, Warrior Princess Bro. AbstiNoZe (8) Bro. NoZe v. Wade (3) Bro. NoZé Cuervo Bro. Don’t Cry for Me Bro. RomaNoZe Clef Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-On ArgentiNoZe Bro. SuperlongnameNoZe Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid: Bro. Marlon BrandNoZe (4), Bro. Casper the Friendly NoZe, Bro. NoZepotism THE ROPE PAGE 3 Ph: 254.296.0095 1211 Speight Ave. Opposite Corner from HEB Recent recipient of Colleges Best Shirts Award Bear Cribs www.bearcribs.com Looking for a more comfortable place to lay your head at night? Visit BearCribs. PAGE 4 THE ROPE message from the cunninglinguist... Oh, dear friends! Woe is me, that the harbinger of the most illustrious and industrious, periculous and ridiculous Funny has cho- sen me to take on the helm as his sacred vessel. Elmo, with the fire of a thousand suns, has descended upon me and distended my mind, provoking the Funny for me to pronounce (and the administration to denounce.) As I sit here typing this letter on the glorious coast of the NoZe Island overlooking the deep blue waters, I can only hope the mes- sage is not lost on you; for lo, the Rope is inspired by the very force that holds us all together. In addition, it also serves as a loose anthology of drunken ramblings from yours truly and the rest of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) Now don’t get me wrong, the Rope is an excellent means of thermal protection on the off-chance that one is passed out on a park bench, but do yourself a favor and at least peruse the rag once over before my hope in humanity is lost forever. ... Actually, scratch that. I heard it also works as a killer floor mat. BRO. TheNoZeous Monk Beseech the Lorde Mayor (or: important answers to unimportant questions) Dear Lorde Mayor, Dear Lorde Mayor, Hey brah, whatsup!? That end of se- I thought you guys were supposed to mester party was off the hook! Thank God be secret organization, so how come you have I’m a NoZe Brother, because it’s the only way a Facebook group with every brother’s name I can get girls to talk to me! This group is the listed? bestest! ~Lookin’ for a felon ~Bro. CasaNoZeva Dear Baylor DPS, Dear Sammy De Valdenebro, If you ever need to reach any of us af- It’s okay, we won’t out you. ter something’s gone awry, our numbers are listed there. It’s us, I swear. Dear Lorde Mayor, Hey, that last one wasn’t even a ques- Dear Lorde Mayor, tion! What is going on here!? Am I the only Did you hear about the pastor in Okla- Lorde Mayor Bush’s Krispy one that cares about these kind of things?! homa who was arrested recently? This group is going down the tube! TacNoZe tries out Occam’s Razor ~DL on SBC ~Keepin’ the Records Strait Dear Larry Brumley, Dear Fatz DomiNoZe, Thank God we’re not affiliated with I agree. the Southern Baptist Convention. Oh wait. THE ROPE PAGE 5 University Forms Diversity Committee Committee Sketches Colored Portrait of Baylor Following an unexpected sowing of sue, but at a recent roundtable discussion host- sion. As a non-voting member of course,” said the stately seed, Baylor’s Student Government ed by the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!), a jubilant Reimers. “I’m really exited to see has made a brave decision after 5 years and 29 most exhibited outrage at the lack of intellec- this thing get off the ground. weeks of serious deliberation to birth a new tual, racial, cultural, pop-cultural, religious By no means is the issue resolved. In totally-planned-for committee to set out on a and soda-option diversity. fact, the newly created committee has accom- fact-finding mission to decide whether form- “The amount of diversity on this cam- plished almost nothing in the 28 meetings it ing a caucus to look into the need for a com- pus is shameful,” has had. However, mittee on diversity would be mildly useless or touted local liberal that may all change completely pointless. activist and presi- when the committee Mad with power, President Mark dent of Baylor is forced to move “Shoot from the hip” Laymon sent a memo Democrats, Phil its meeting space out to the entire campus announcing that he Tran. “What we out of the volleyball had “snagged it, grabbed it, and bagged it,” need is one thing: courts at the SLC (“it” being the creation of a crack team of ad- a campus of only and into the unused ministrators and campus leaders to investigate minorities. With religion department the growing lack of diversity.) that one thing, faculty lounge. “Don’t quote me on this, but it’s pretty and only that one For now, all of dull around here without any major difference thing, we’d prob- campus is white in opinions and personalities,” claimed Lay- ably be the most knuckled as it sits mon in a recent interview. “And can you have diverse campus in on the monotonous a ‘growing lack’ of anything? That seems like the country.” After heated debate, the group votes edge of its homoge- really bad grammar.” After dis- nous seat waiting for to break for lunch Unfazed by the news, most of campus proving that option the hopefully color- will be blissfully unaware of the project even mathematically, ful conclusions of up through its completion. the Baylor Propaganda Department, headed the single-minded committee. Oddly enough, At its first meeting, committee mem- by Reagan Ramsower, released Baylor’s true the most succinct response to the problem was bers Laymon, Dub Oliver, Brent Froberg, Stan diversity statistics, which were promptly with- a very inebriated Bro. NoZe v. Wade who, just Madden and the rest of the board voted to call held from publication by Larry Brumely. before passing out after last Friday’s 10-40 their meeting a success and go outside for re- Student outrage has reached the ears challenge, calmly queried, “Can’t we all just cess. of the regents who, having no one else to side get along?” However, the Board of Regents has with, have been forced to look into the issue. made public its opposition to the creation of Dr. John Reimers, chairperson of the Student #1999 the committee claiming that it is no way rep- Life committee has been tapped to lead the resentative of the university as a whole. When asked to expand on that thought, Chairman newly formed regents committee to investi- gate the lack of diversity in the committee to Holy Law Will Davis matter-of-factly stated that there investigate diversity. “simply weren’t enough old white guys add- “Although the committee is in its ear- Let’s hope we don’t have ing their [two cents] to [the] discussion.” Until now, students on campus haven’t liest stages, I imagine it’ll be me and several other Caucasian males. Of course, we might to go through that again. been able to have their voice heard on the is- go crazy and let a woman join in the discus- PAGE 6 THE ROPE Interview with... Pat Robertson He’s a supporter of fundamentalist Christian policy, public face of the 700 Club and the only man making sense in America today. Pat Robertson sits down with us, the Noble NoZe brotherhood (Satch!) in his first interview since this morning’s 700 Club. We ask him the hard hitting questions, and make him finally get off the fence on issues such as intelligent design, natural disasters and peach cobbler. Pat Robertson: Hey boys, welcome to the 700 assassinated” with “don’t know who he is?” also made claims that God sent Hurricane Ka- Club. How are you today? trina to punish the sinful masses of New Or- PR: That’s right. leans. Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!): We’re do- ing good, thanks for having us. NNB(S!): Well, which is it? PR: Yep. God often uses natural disasters to punish the wicked. PR: Let’s get started. First of all, how does it PR: The former. No wait! The latter. I always feel to be such a radical voice? get those confused. NNB(S!): We’re glad you brought that up. Do you believe that God is punishing the Bible NNB(S!): Well Pat, we imagine it’s a lot like… NNB(S!): ...Moving right along… You’re the Belt with wild fires? wait a minute! I believe you have it backwards. face of the 700 Club. Where do you see it This isn’t the 700 Club, and we’re conducting heading in the face of a more liberal leaning PR: Now hold on there, NoZe Brotherhood, this interview. America? that’s crazy talk. The people of the Bible Belt are true believers. My god would never punish PR: Oh, are you? PR: For starters, we want to up membership. the righteous. Our new initiative is called 800 by ’08. NNB(S!): Stop it, Pat. NNB(S!): So how do you account for the natu- NNB(S!): Sounds exciting. ral disasters? PR: You aren’t gunna print this right? You know what, let’s just start over. PR: It was a joke. Someone doesn’t have a PR: well, as God’s conduit of truth here on sense of humor. Earth, I can assure you it must be a good ol fash- NNB(S!): Good idea. Welcome to the NoZe ioned “pat on the back” from the almighty. Mansion. NNB(S!): So does that mean you were joking when you said that Dover, PA voted God out NNB(S!): So hurricanes in the gulf are “pun- PR: Thanks for having me. of its town? ishment for the wicked,” but wild fires are a “pat on the back?” Doesn’t that mean we NNB(S!): Now Pat, how does it feel to be such PR: That’s no joke son, that’s a cold, hard, would have to completely rethink the message a radical voice? proven fact. Speaking of, give Dempski my of Sodom and Gomorra? regards. PR: Well I think you have it all backward, PR: I don’t follow you. NoZe Brotherhood… is it “Stitch?” NNB(S!): No. Recently you have stated that God punished Ariel Sharon with a stroke for NNB(S!): Well then, what about “love thy NNB(S!): That’s “Satch,” actually. dividing the Holy Land. How can you be so neighbor?” sure? PR: Right right, Satch… back to what I was PR: I don’t think I remember that part of the saying. I’m the voice of the mainstream in this PR: Well, it’s in the Bible. Bible. country. NNB(S!): Oh, is it? Where? NNB(S!): It’s in Mark 23-- NNB(S!): So you’re claiming that most Ameri- cans want to have Hugo Chavez assassinated? PR: Well I don’t want to get into a scripture PR: Well boys, I think that’ll do it for today. citing contest with you (cause I would win) but Thanks for coming to the 700 Club, come back PR: That’s right. you’ll just have to take my word for it. soon. Robertson, out. NNB(S!): Aren’t you confusing “want to have NNB(S!): Speaking of God’s punishment, you THE ROPE PAGE 7 Student Body President Vetoes Chores Mark Laymon is at it again. After last said. “There’re only two of us. A two-thirds semesters AIDS Awareness allocation debacle, vote is mathematically impossible. He tries to Laymon has gone veto crazy. justify it by saying he’s just trying to get his In a shocking twist of events, Laymon money’s worth out of that veto stamp, but I has begun prohibiting documents outside the think it’s more than that. Last month he tried to typically accepted sphere of Student Body veto his cut of the rent. I just can’t be expected Presidental power. Yesterday afternoon Stu- to pay the entire rent and maintain my long- dent Government Chief of Staff and Laymon’s board by myself.” roommate Luke Baker submitted this month’s After seeing how quickly the situation list of chores, which Laymon promptly barred. had gotten out of hand, Dub Oliver stepped in When asked to comment, Laymon re- to cool things down. Unfortunately for all of plied: “I just wasn’t comfortable allocating my us, Laymon was just too quick for him. As Oli- oh-so precious time to both taking out the trash ver reached for the stamp, Laymon vetoed his and feeding the fish. I mean, I’m Mark Laymon, hand, rendering it useless. After fully surren- for cryin’ out loud! I’m a busy guy.” dering Dub’s power, Laymon proceeded to veto Although precedent is fuzzy on the mat- the sweet new Blackberry which Oliver had re- ter of the chores list, Laymon pointed out to cently been given, just for good measure. Baker that a veto can be overturned by a two- Fortunately for the author of this piece, thirds vote from the apartment electorate. Laymon vetoed this article before a real ending “That’s just plain ridiculous,” Baker to the piece was needed. Point: Man, College is Tough! By: Theodore Snartletoober, Baylor Freshman I don’t think you get it mom and dad, college is H-A-R-D. All I can say is “Wow!” We have to go to class for 15 hours a week. 15 HOURS! I mean, I only get seven hours a day to “entertain” ladies in my room each day, and they’re telling me I have to spend three of them in class. It’s unbelievable. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the teachers here make you read outside of class. How do they expect me to play Ultimate Frisbee at Minglewood Bowl or watch two hours of “Best Week Ever: Month in Review” if I have to read up- wards of seven pages from my Ideas of Mathematics book every three days? Why can’t they just teach it to me in class? Oh, and get this. There is an attendance policy. We have to be in class 75% of the time. They’re already getting my money either way, what’s it matter if I’m there or not? I know that college is my future and all, but I just feel like we’re paying Baylor to tell me what to do all the time. It’s my money, so why should Baylor be telling me what to do ? PAGE 8 THE ROPE Iconoclast Takes 4th at U.I.L. Mom Still Proud, Dad Holding out Hopes for Sports Trophy Obligatory cheering erupt- dent talking to himself. Maynard Euripides’s mother took Unfortunately, the group ed in the Dawson Elementary The group barely several photos with plans on mak- is already planning its next pub- school cafetorium last weekend lost to “My ing duplicates, lication to be dropped on campus when Theophilus Athenaeum gar- Blue Shoe”, a at least one some time inevitably too soon. nered almost-top honors at the UIL poem by local father was up- “We think highly enough of regional writing competition. This fourth grader set at the out- ourselves to publish our thoughts is the first off-campus contest that Emily Peter- come. for all the campus to read and the group has dared to enter, and son whose “I mean, ridicule,” said head writer, L.F. although expectations were low, work, accord- I love ‘em Kierkegaard. “We may not be ad- the group proved everyone wrong ing to one still, and all,” vancing on to UIL State, but I feel when they came just one number judge, “hit a claimed Craig like we advanced the Truth just away from getting a medal. little bit closer Turndelstuck- that much further.” “The participation certifi- to home” than ey, father of In an unrelated story, sci- cate is going to hang just below the Baylor Leonardo entists at Johns Hopkins claimed our copy of Rembrandt’s Sacrifice group’s offer- Don’t cry, we can’t Aristophanes. that mankind did seem to be mea- of Isaac done in macaroni in Lady ing. all be winners. “But that’s my surably closer to finding ultimate Marmalade’s abode,” said Lord While golfin’ bud- reality. Humphrey’s Executor, member most of the group’s mothers dies’ money their wastin’ on that and hopeful graduate school stu- clapped in earnest and Thomas damn publication.” Counter-Point: “YOUR Money?” By: Ma and Pa Snartletoober, Baylor Parents I hope this is a joke. You’re not paying for anything. Do you realize how nice you have it right now? You don’t have to pay for your own food, pay your own bills, or work a job, and all you’re expected to do is go to class. We’re glad to hear that you enjoy those sorority crushes, because we’re still paying the credit card companies to keep you styling head to toe in Hollister. You think eating at McAllister’s every week is expensive, try paying over 10 grand a semester for your ungrateful kid’s 1.2 GPA and third failed attempt at attending chapel the minimum 21 times a semester. And what’s all this about your schedule being so hard? Do you even re- member high school? Just two years ago, you had to wake up at seven a.m., go for 40 hours a week and you weren’t allowed any absences! At least then it was free, with the exception of your parking permit and thirteen tickets. Jeez son, how hard is it to walk an extra 100 feet? “Maintenance only” means “not for you.” I better not see any DPS fees showing up on our monthly bills. We’re not paying Baylor money to let you goof off, we’re investing in you so that you can stop mooching off of us some day and support yourself. You better clean up your act, mister, and you better do it quick. Cause right now you are cruising for a bruising, and your dad has a lead foot. THE ROPE PAGE 9 The Rope Presents... Secrets Revealed: The Lariat Code In a recent meeting of zaslkj.” From this, simply add a here at the Noble NoZe Brother- crease of student dead days, those the Noble NoZe Brotherhood few vowels, remove some con- hood (Satch!) are fully convinced crafty devils over in the journal- (Satch!), we noticed that a very sonants, and drop the remainder. that the future can be foretold by ism department have hidden the peculiar trend kept popping up in The result? “The third king in as our friendly neighborhood stu- mother of all secrets. If you tape the Baylor Lariat. Upon further many years will take his thrown, dent paper. However, should you the aforementioned Lariat to investigation, it was concluded and spread his dust over the whole not feel it necessary to head their the wall, chuck darts at it blind- that a secret code has been em- of his kingdom.” HELLO!? John warnings, you may be in for a folded, and scramble the results, bedded into the Lariat, often con- Lilley?! Third President in the last rude awakening sometime later the prediction is revealed: “It will taining predictions for the future. year! He’s old, hence the dust! It this semester. snow on Diadeloso!” The Code The group has been hard at work seems as if they were predicting As was reported in a re- never lies. these past few weeks and are fi- his arrival almost seven months cent issue of the Lariat, the regents We here at the NoZe are nally able to present the prelimi- before it was announced. Yeah, have decided that “[they] won’t convinced that “The Code” is nary findings to the naïve Rope we know… mind-boggling. be raising tuition this semester.” God’s means of communicating readers with open minds. Still not convinced? Then Seems like quite the benign state- with Infidels, and that the writers We know what you are take a gander at a finished cross- ment to the untrained eye. If you of the Lariat have been blessed thinking; it all sounds a little too word puzzle from the first Lariat apply our very own NoZe Brother with these messages all these crazy. But if you just look for of the Fall ’05 semester. If you pe- Future Predicting Formula (copy- years. With this in mind we here at yourself, you will realize it’s all ruse carefully, the words “refresh- right pending (that means you, the Brotherhood have to offer the there. Read the lead article of the ment,” “rubbish,” and “same sex Bob Darden!)) to the passage, this following apology to the staff of March 17, 2005 Baylor Lariat lovin’” can all be found. Could chilling fact is revealed: “[they] the Baylor Lariat. We informally and simply take every thirteenth this be a forewarning of the Star- WILL be raising tuition this se- apologize for the endless taunting letter for the first 216 letters and buck’s-Maupin cup scandal? We mester.” Who would of thought? and mistreatment, it turns out that every ninth letter from there on think so. We couldn’t believe it either. you actually have been reporting out (with the exception of the last From these and countless Convinced? It doesn’t stop the news all along. Touche Josh 41 letters.) You get the follow- other examples (which we prob- there, gentle reader. In a recent Horton, Touche. ing phrase: “qwdwp mxc oichjlk ably won’t ever tell you about) we Lariat article concerning the de- Mr. PuZzle Sez: Arrange the completly random letters B F E C D E T G D E V K N and form a secret message! N I W M F M P M J G N U Y N U H J M L O I J F T V P P M L Y L Z E N I L P J U A R V Y Q U N P L O M N O A E F T H U J X E F T Y V PAGE 10 THE ROPE And now, a note from the Keeper of Shekels... Dear Gentle Readers, After my internship this past semester with my new friend Kenneth Lay, I have decided that when it comes to being financially responsible, honesty is the best policy. As a result, I have decided to make public the expense account of The Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) I’m sure that those of you following the straight and narrow are familiar with the concept of accountability partners, and we here at the Rope are counting on you guys to keep us honest. If anything suspicious is found, please notify no one and call your grandma, she will be your friend. Honestly, Bro. NoZe Sequitur NoZe Sequitor, Shekel Keeper sporting the latest in longhorn trends. For the Month of January 2006 3 gallons of expired milk $13.50 Time-Life Ultimate Bluegrass CD 3 easy payments of $19.99 Donkey rental for Bethany McCraw $200.00 Grievances $3,000 One (1) bowling pin $29.46 1 live Buffalo $25,000 Costumes for date with McCraw $37.50 A morning hunt with Ted Nugent Priceless Evidence that Chamber sucks (video) Free Yeah, we went there Our Comedic Integrity Proof that we were here first $18.24 Moon rock $486,000,000 (totally worth it) One (1) Rumplestump $13.50 Insurance for date with McCraw $88.65 Treadmill $99.99 Orthodontic work for Burleson Statue $3,300 18 lbs. of cottage cheese $48.19 Blow Up KISS Doll $32.50 Pink fire $.000000001 33 gallons of pink paint $45.00 Breakfast with the Stars $18.75 Carl Jung Portrait…in color $57.50 Bail for Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Too much Intelligent Design by Dembski $66.50 Bobby Sloan’s Playboy subscription $24.00 Infinite Bandwidth Amplifier $116.15 Bro. NoZe Sequitur’s pink thong $11.00 1 Gal. Purple Drink $.99 126 new toilet seats Check’s in the mail Tithe This one goes to 11…percent and Grill Owen’s Bar 12 am everyday Open from 8 am - Performance by the Sprattattack Babnd Every Tuesday “Big O’s are only two dollars, but if you want THIS size, it’ll cost you an extra fifty cents.” 29th and Speight Ph: 254.759.1986 THE ROPE PAGE 11 Lilley Moves Office to Meadowlands Terrace “Medication management, help with has any relation to the fact that he’s spoon fed play cards five hours a day,” he complained. showers, and all the prune juice I can drink tapioca pudding twice a day and has discontin- Lilley spouted out, “That Canasta trophy is as --there’s your answer right there,” explained ued all real work remains to be seen,” said his good as mine.” President Lilley, when asked secretary. why he suddenly moved the Lilley enjoys the Thursday early bird President’s office from Pat The move to Meadow- specials when they serve King Ranch casse- Neff to the Meadowlands Ter- lands came as a surprise to role and asparagus tips. “That tasty diabetic race Assisted Living Home. Regent Jay Allison. “I knew pineapple cobbler always hits the spot,” Lilley Lilley has immersed himself he wasn’t exactly a spring squealed with great delight. so deep into the assisted liv- chicken, but who knew that he ing culture that he decided to had one foot in the grave and However, President Lilley hasn’t com- become a resident himself. the other in a heaping pile of pletely forgotten about Baylor, considering As a result, Lilley has ceased applesauce?” that he has been rambling on for weeks about all Presidential duties and the “hell-hole that place has turned into,” dedicates the bulk of his time In addition, Lilley and demanding that somebody take action to bingo, bridge, and weekly moved the Provost’s office to to secure Baylor back to its “good ol’ roots.” field trips to such Waco land- the apartment across the hall. O’Brien then reminded him for the thirty-third marks as Mrs. Baird’s Bread It turns out that he was in need time that he was, in fact, the president of the factory. of a solid practice partner for University. “Oh, peaches!” cried Lilley while the Meadowlands Terrace Ca- slapping his knee. He then asked, “What’s for “These are my people, John Lilley wants nasta Championships. Pro- dinner?” they know how I think,” com- to play Bingo with you. vost Randall O’Brien wasn’t mented the 66-year-old Lilley quite as thrilled with his new Fortunately for us, President Lilley on life at his new home. In- surroundings: “Ever since he forgot we made this joke in the previous Rope, deed, close friends agree that they have never forced me to come out here I can’t get that old giving us the liberty to reprint this article in seen Johnny so relaxed. “Whether or not it person smell out of my clothes, and all I do is future papers as a means of space filler. Clay pot _viet cuisine_ “What did you just say about the Spring Rolls, honey? I couldn’t hear you over that shirt.” Ph: 254.756.2721 920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy PAGE 12 THE ROPE A B a! D ram C op N ew Man, it sure is fun to Mr. PuZzle sez: find out why Hollywood is (Fold the picture so that A and B line up to find out) fight crime! making so muchmoney this year! Yeah, but not as fun as whistling!! “I hope you Poppa Rollo’s wanted a giant sausage, cause Pizza Pie Parlor that’s what you’re Ph: 254.776.6776 703 N. Valley Mills gettin, Johnny.” THE ROPE PAGE 13 Briefs! deliciously funny and suprisingly short Tragedy Strikes Harmless Local Scamps Student Completes 724rd Infidel Rushed to Hospital Hour of Service Entry to Heaven granted Sammy DeValdenbro’s pants burst violently into flames two weeks ago at a On Januard 23rd at precisely 5:07, a miracle NoZe Brotherhood party immediately after claiming that he was a member of the il- occurred on 5th street. Melissa Forster, Public Rela- lustrious and award-winning group. tions Senior, and frequent to the Stepping Out pro- “It was awful,” claimed local hottie Marissa Marchioni, speaking both about gram, finally ensured her passageway to the merry- the incident and what DeValdenbro referred to as his “mad game.” go-round past the clouds. “This is the third time in Several actual members of the NoZe Brotherhood who witnessed the event the history of Baylor that someone has accomplished dashed to phones to complete their civic duty of calling 911 to report the incident. this magnificent goal,” said Stepping Out coordinator “We’re usually so safe at our parties,” claimed Bro. RomaNoZe Clef. “Cigarettes are Macy Erikson. When asked about her future plans, kept away from propane tanks, livestock away from barbiturates... I just don’t see how Forster excitedly announced her retirement from something like this could have happened!” Stepping Out, community service, and “goodness” Upon reading the most recent Rope, and the article outing him as a non-broth- altogether. er, DeValdenbro stated that he’d probably “just start telling chicks that the article was “Now that I can’t be denied Heaven, I can fi- to throw them off the scent,” but after seeing smoke rising from his unmentionables nally do all the things that I’ve been wanting to do! he quickly retracted the statement and said 14 Hail Mary’s. I heard Pike is having a party tonight! I can’t wait!” “All in all I’d say he’s pretty lucky,” said one of the more observant, female squealed Forster. party-goers. “His nose could have grown like Pinocchio’s with all the fibs he fibbed, Forester was last seen passed out on 8th street but he wasn’t made of nearly as much wood as he claimed to be.” tightly clenching a copy of the Rope. Bankston’s cards. collectables & Whatever you collect, we’ve miscellany got ‘em Ph: 254.755.0070 1321 S. Valley Mills PAGE 14 THE ROPE Donutist Heresy Divides Campus Local Boy Cruisin’ For Brusin’ Cunning Linguist Argues: “No one will get Father to Administer this article without looking it up” “Something to Cry About” Last week, instead of getting his the damp basement of the Student Union After an incident at a local mini-mart involv- normal doughy breakfast treat, Donald while just ten feet above them, those ing local fifth grader Stephen Kanoyan, Mr. Kanoyan, Magnus was met with the slick new edi- who were complacent with fickle trends Stephen’s dad, claimed that his son was definitely on fice of the SUB’s newest eatery: “The drowned themselves in the inequity of his way to ordering a knuckle sandwich for lunch. Daily Grind.” His beloved Shipley Do- change. nuts had been gutted out and replaced According to several sources, the child was with a hip, new coffee joint. In one month, the movement had on the 64th verse of The Song That Never Ends when burst out of the basement and into the he crossed the line and started “fiddling” with the key Taken aback, Magnus was forced streets. The Union was forced to issue a chains near the check out that are meant for tourists to drive several blocks to the alternate statement concerning the upstarting her- and anyone who has experienced one-tequila-two-te- location on Speight in order to satiate his etics. The general populous was warned quila-three-tequila-floor syndrome. hunger for the sugary, often-creme-filled not to stray from the Union’s side or delights. make the schism wider. However, the Despite numerous warnings to “cut it out,” movement still grew. Stephen continued his rampage of annoyance through- “This heresy will not stand,” he out the store adding an underarm farting noise on the spoke under his breath while pulling In retrospect, someone should downbeat of the infamous multitudinously versed el- back into the nearest parking lot. After have spoken up before the violence start- ementary school anthem. walking fifteen blocks to campus, he had ed. By the end of the catastrophe, straw- already written his mission statement berry jelly lined the streets, swirling with The young boy was dragged off the premises in his mind: a manifesto to bring back half-caf mocha, and cream was spilling by the scruff of shirt at which point corrective disci- simplicity. He would never accept the inevitably down the gutter and into the plinary action took place in order to ensure that the unholy caffeinated sacraments doled out drain. On the hill outside the Union stood tot would never again engage in the actions of public by apathetic baristas. Magnus and the Director of Student Ac- nuisance. tivities, Scott Wade, a man who towered Within weeks, the Donutist over Magnus in stature and position. In other news, Bro. Fats DomiNoZe witnessed movement had set its foot on campus, the whole event and still didn’t learn anything. meeting with boxes of baker’s dozens in It was all over. Tired of Mexican that’s Scruffs not authentic? Cancun Fine Mexican Dining Eat at Cancun! Ph: 254.752.0041 1229 N. 18th THE ROPE PAGE 15 Congress Revises Animal Protection List To the delight of hunters and the chagrin of environmentalists, Congress recently omitted many big game animals from the list of federally protected endangered species. While the removal of a few species such as the Grizzly Bear and Buffalo were expected, the omission of Native Americans from the list leaves this group open for hunting on all federal and private lands. While the public remains passively divided on the issue, hunting enthusiasts and environmentalists alike are taking action to maximize the potential new status of Native Americans. “This certainly is going to make the recovery of this species a lot more difficult,” said a concerned Cathrine Guinn. “They’re still protected in their wildlife habitats, but once they’re off the reservation it’s an open season.” Well known hunting enthusiast and part-time rocker Ted Nugent made his opinion known to the Brotherhood after a guaranteed promise of anonymity. “Some people have said I make hunters and gun advocates look bad; they say I’m crazy. Well lemme tell ya, no one ever told that to the Nuge after being hunted for four days on any of my ranches.” When asked about his well known policy of killing only what he would eat, the Nuge paused and stroked his scraggly beard. “I don’t remember ever saying that, are you sure you don’t have me confused with the Indians?” According to state regulations, hunting of Native Americans will begin on February 25 and end on April 31. The limit is four adults per hunter, with fines of up to 800 glass beads or an entire metal cooking set for each Native American over the limit. Use of peace treaties, useless trinkets and other forms of baiting are strictly prohibited. Sale of hunting licenses will begin on February 4th and are expected to go quickly. However, due to an oversight in the wording of the law, it turns out that anyone born in the continental U.S. qualifies as a Native Ameri- can, so drop this paper and run! Visit www.ksproperties.com “It’s a fixer-upper alright, to learn about our summer leasing specials but I think we can make it work.” 1400 Speight 254.755.7255 PAGE 16 THE ROPE Anthropology Department Relocates to Ancient Building Archeologists Look Forward to More Hands on Research Shortly after being labeled a pseudoscience whose hippie teachings were far too new age to be placed in close proximity to Baylor’s more established sciences, the Baylor Anthropology Department has been moved into the Marrs Mclean Science Building. Long ago thought to be lost or destroyed by the wicked workings of Old Man Time, the building was reopened to house the department which nobody wanted. Once the program moved in and dusted the asbestos off of all the old furniture, a discovery was made that threatened to shake the department to ruins. Deep in the catacombs of this once great establishment, a cadaver older than the Ice Man was found. After much examination and confla- gration, it was discovered to be none other than the body of Herb Reynolds. Soon after the excitement and jubilation died down, several fields under the Anthropology umbrella fought for rights to the preserved man, or “Baylor Boy” as they lovingly called him. The archeologists were first to seek ownership, arguing that since no one had heard of Herb Reynolds in recent times, that the era in which he disappeared most likely fell into their realm of expertise. It also seems that the physical anthropologist had determined their own claims to the body. Professor McNulty voiced the concerns rather succinctly, “I’ve been doing extensive research on the formation of monkey skulls for the last five years. I really need this.” However, the forensic science program pressed the validity of the anthropologist’s claim to the body. Apparently, they found out that Mr. Reynolds had been pronounced dead several times in a well respected local newspaper, making the circumstances surrounding his death suspi- cious to say the least. The cultural anthropologists were found pacing around the building, chain smoking and muttering indecipherable complaints about anti- Semitic sentiments held by the Waco populous. They seemed rather uninterested in the discovery of a body in the building except for an earnest inquiry as to whether or not a bigger office was now available for them. Whatever the outcome of the debacle, the Rope will certainly have lost even more credibility for making yet another reference to the death of Herb Reynolds. “Honey, I think we’re COmmon moving too fast.. GROUNDS let’s just go to Coffee House Common Grounds for our first date.” 1123 S. 8th St. Ph: 254.757.2957 THE ROPE PAGE 17 TO: Baylor Unifarcity Administration and Faculty FROM: John “Biggest Little President at Baylor” Lilley DATE: January 9th, 2006 SUBJECT: New Policy Regarding “Them Lady-Men” at Baylor Hey everyone, it’s me, the new guy, John Lilley. Though I’ve been away from our beloved Baylor for sometime, I’ve always tried to stay abreast of the goings on here, in the unlikely even I ever returned. Well, that day has finally come, and now I am in a position to change things around here (scary, I know ;) ), I have a new policy I want to get underway. I must admit I was more than a little disappointed at your past actions regarding homosexuality here at Baylor. You guys have been approaching the situation all wrong. We need to stop being so negative; it’s hurting our image. My new strategy is that instead of discourag- ing homosexuality, we become more aggressive at encouraging heterosexuality. This may seem strange, I know, but we have already taken steps in the right direction, most notably at our wonderful campus book- store. There are racks abound of recognizably masculine DVD titles, such as “Porky’s” and “Drawn Together Season 1.” In addition, the periodicals section carries recent issues of both Maxim and FHM magazine. We’re even offering ways for hetero men to cut loose in the most enjoyable of all “straight-thinking” activities, drinking. Take a look for yourselves, we sell it all: shot glasses (read: toothpick holders), bottle openers (read: beverage keys) and beer mugs (read: condom holders (read: change jars)). All of these items feature our very own Baylor Uni- versity logo and full endorsement. But that’s not all! All the books by Maupin and Wilde will be removed from the library and be replaced with “How to be a Sex God” and “Van-Hagar? I Think Not!” the autobiographies of Gene Simmons and David Lee Roth respectively (I know, they’re Jewish, but most people don’t.) We will also be closing the Drama Department and in its place we will be building the brand new Earl Chamber’s College of Debauchery. Finally, in what will probably be the most effective change, we will be revoking the FIJI charter and awarding a second one to KOT. While this all may seem quite radical to you, think of it like this: every minute our Baylor men spend pounding brews and jamming Pat Green, is a minute they aren’t drinking cosmos and watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. All I ask is that you BEAR with me as we make these changes, and I’m sure we will quickly achieve our goal of making Baylor a wholesome Baptist utopia for rich Texans to send their sons and money. Hugs and Kisses, John Lilley Need someone to talk to on those lonely nights? NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com TheRopeAdvertising@hotmail.com The NoZe Brotherhood PO Box 612 Elm Mott, TX 76640 Ruling with an oatmeal fist www.TheNoZe.org PAGE 18 THE ROPE Spring UnRush 2006 Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! In accordance with a writ of procedendo issued by the most immaculate and supreme, imperial and jovial diety Elmo, the Noble NoZe Broth- erhood is announcing Spring UnRush BoNanZa and Potluck 2006! This gala event will be held on Thursday, February 2nd, at imprecisely 11:17 Past Milk in the proximity of Seventh and James Barely Baptist Church. Bring your favorite casserole, prepare for awe inspiring ac- robatics, and whatever you do, don’t come! So...You wanna be a NoZe Brother? Paper Pickup will be held on Sunday, February 5th, 2006 at 3:47 Past Mullet at the Burleson Statue on the luscious Baylor Campus. Papers of satirical nature will be accepted, although most likely not appreciated. Make sure you follow the proceeding format: must be 10,693 words or less (preferably much, much less) and contain NO teats, piddle or caca. Now, with that in mind, do us a favor this time and BE FUNNY! THE ROPE PAGE 19 Lake Brazos Steakhouse 1620 MLK Blvd Ph: 254.755.7717 Open From 11 A.M. - 9:30 P.M. Mon-Sat, till 3 P.M. Sun “Don’t worry sweety, There will be another Happy Hour tomorow. I promise.” Happy Hour (11 A.M. - 6 P.M.) $1.50 Big O’s $2.50 Mason Jars $2.00 Lil’ Rita’s Rent out our river-side patio for parties and other forms of general mayhem.
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