FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME
Social Work Department Royal Children’s Hospital NOVEMBER 2006 NEWSLETTER
Welcome to the November newsletter of the Family Bereavement Support Programme. Through the newsletters and groups we hope that you will find resources, comfort and connections with others to help encourage and sustain you as you grieve for your child.
The Ripples of Grief: the impact of grief on parents and their relationships.
The November group brought quite a large number of parents together and they were very warmly welcomed. For some this night marked the first time that they had returned to the Hospital and for others the first time that they had joined the Parents’ Bereavement Support Group. These experiences and the courage it takes to see them through were acknowledged. We took a few moments to introduce the P.B.S group. The group aims to offer parents who are grieving for their child a time and place where they can safely recount and explore their experiences and concerns with others and together learn ways of living with their loss. Within the group both the uniqueness and commonality of parents’ grief are appreciated and respected. Parents are invited to share however much of their story they feel able too. Sometimes parents will feel able to talk. Sometimes listening to other parents and the evening’s guest will be what parents need to do. Carol and Jane are available to meet with parents between groups if there is something they would like to talk about outside the group setting. Parents who read the newsletter, but, do not come to the groups are also most welcome to call Jane or Carol. They can be reached through the Social Work Department on 9345 6111. Throughout the evening Jane takes notes without names to help create the newsletter. The newsletter provides a way of gathering parents’ reflections and insights together. The newsletter can make supportive connections especially for those unable to attend the groups. We also warmly welcomed our guest presenter for the evening Mr. Garrett O’Dowd. Garrett is the Co-ordinator of Mercy Western Grief Services. Garrett is a social worker and grief counsellor. He has spent many years accompanying and supporting those who are grieving. As he greeted the group and acknowledged the significance of parents’ experiences and their presence in the group. Garrett emphasized to the parents in tonight’s group that there would be “no pressure to talk”. What he hoped to do during the group would be to bring some of the wisdom he has learned from his time with bereaved people and to suggest some strategies which those who are living with loss have found helpful to them. Through the discussion Garrett would say he was not proposing the “answers” to the grief parents are living with now; but rather to contribute some ideas that may be helpful and supportive to parents. Garrett explained that he had
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brought with him some notes to prompt him on some of the important points that he hoped to share with parents. These notes have been incorporated into the Newsletter. Garrett described how the topic; The Ripples of Grief, had come from thinking about how grief impacts on parents. Particularly its impact within the marital relationship, on relationships within the family and family network and the relationships which parents have with their extended family and friends. Garrett said “I will look with you at some of the challenges, issues and experiences which you may have had in your relationships as a consequence of your loss”. “In our time together” Garrett continued “I would then like you to explore with me and share some of your experiences and the challenges you have faced or are facing in having to navigate through your relationships, as a consequence of the death of your child”. During the evening Garrett would ask What have you experienced? What has helped? What can help? He said that he would then talk briefly about the “factors which have been identified as complicating a person’s grief….then look more specifically at grief and loss complications for parents around the death of a child. At that point I’ll invite you to briefly introduce yourself to tell me a little about yourself and your child who has died”. Before moving further into the topic for this evening Garrett spoke a little about his professional background and Mercy Western Grief Services. Prior, to moving to Mercy Western Grief Services a number of years ago, Garrett had an extensive professional background in the area of mental health. Those who live with mental illness know only too well the experiences of loss and change, and of course like any other member of the community, as Garrett noted they may also be affected by bereavement. MWGS Garrett described was “set up for people experiencing complicated grief who live in the western region”. It is a free service which provides to individuals, couples and families through both counseling and support groups. As Garrett said “although all grief is complex...usually people find ways of accommodating their grief. Several times
during the discussion Garrett would highlight that he deliberately uses the word accommodate to convey a sense of living with grief rather than acceptance or closure which imply getting over or ending grief. This does not reflect or respect people’s feelings and experiences. “Not everyone needs grief counselling” Garrett continued and added that counselling “can sometimes be unhelpful if given inappropriately”. Over time, understandings of what may make a bereavement more difficult to bear have developed knowledge of factors and circumstances that may complicate grief. Garrett gave the examples of when a death has been from a sudden and / or traumatic event such as an accident or illness. Particular circumstances such as when the death has been caused through “homicide, car accident, suicide, when a partner, sibling, or child dies or where the relationship is dependent or ambivalent” are regarded as adding to the complexity of grief. Throughout the evening Garrett would underscore that the death of a child brings particular complexities for those who love them. Garrett said “whilst it is not useful or appropriate to compare one grief to another it is recognized that the grief experiences around the death of a child have the greatest potential factors which can complicate a person’s grief”. At this point in the evening Garrett said, “I’d like to hear a little about you and your child who has died”. As parents found their voices (which can be hard) we moved randomly around the circle. If it felt too difficult for parents then they did not need to say anything. “I felt strong when I walked in here” a parent commented as she introduced herself and her child . Other group members knew this feeling too. From the parents we learnt something of their family’s story and of how life has been for them since their child’s death. For some it had been a matter of only one month since their child’s death and for others it had been several years. We heard how the children of November’s group’s lives had ended through accidents, congenital condition and illness. The children had been young adults, teenagers, school children, preschoolers and infants when they died. As parents spoke about their child we
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understood more about just how “hard it can be on you” when what caused a child’s death could have been preventable. During the evening we were to talk a little more about how the children had died. While accidents bring their own sudden wave of shock and disbelief, the shock still accompanies death where it had been anticipated “even when you know, it’s still a shock”. Caring for a child often over years of health crises, physical deterioration and times of hopefulness from treatment may mean “I feel lucky I had that time to say everything, to look after her.” From their reflections it seemed that in tonight’s group parents had been grieving for their children not only at their death but also through illness and disability. Parents had learnt and adapted to their child’s care needs. Routines, preparations and being very busy had become ‘part and parcel’ of family life. Now life felt so different—in so many ways empty and strange. This time of introduction showed the diversity of experiences that parents had gone through with their child as well some matters on which the parents were in unison. These words seemed to sum up the feeling of all the parents “we miss her terribly”.
As one parent would comment “you think they’re well and then suddenly they’re gone” A father was later to remark “I was cruising through life, now my patience is gone,... It (a child’s death) changes you forever. I have patience for my family but don’t tell me about your little sniffle”. According to Therese Rando grief educator, counsellor and researcher (1993) Garrett noted “The parent child relationship is the closest and most intense that life can generate, not only physically but psychologically”. Similarly Garrett quoted Klass who is also a well known American grief educator and researcher (1996), as saying “Parents carry an inner representation of their children throughout their life”. A child’s death, Garrett asserted “is not the way things are meant to happen…it’s against nature”. He suggested that “the loss of a child causes a profound shift in identity for the parent; it violates their assumptive world (the orderliness of life) and feels like to loss of the future”. These reflections resonated with the feeling of the group. Through the evening’s discussion, Garrett was to say that “there is no expiry date for grief…no timelines”. Although at the same time he observed that there may be “a pressure from others to stop crying”. Later in the discussion a mother reflected “You do feel you have to keep a lid on it, I thought I’d implode but now it’s my space ( a particular time in the week) to do that”. Garrett encouraged parents to create that space. “In a marital relationship the loss of a child is the time when both parents are going through a devastating loss and crisis at the same time”. In most life events usually one member of a couple will be “more affected than the other” Garrett observed. However when a child dies it is “the most shattering experience for both parents”. Both partners are grieving at the same time and spouses “lose their most important therapeutic support, each other”. The “asynchronicity of grief between two individuals means that parents are seldom in the same place at the same time in relation to their grief and emotional needs” he reflected. “They are not as available to each other”. This may include emotionally and sexually.
“When a child dies”, Garrett observed, “there is an enormity of loss”. The profound nature of the grief that flows from a child’s death stems from “the unique psychological relationship which exists between a parent and a child”. As Garrett reflected on the strength of the attachment between a parent and a child, he described how for both parents this can begin from the time of knowing that conception has occurred. No matter what happens “there is an underlying belief within parents that you should be able always to safeguard, nurture and protect your child”. Yet in reality it is foolish to “guarantee safety” in our unpredictable world.
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Spouses may feel very protective of the other but “just don’t have the energy to look after them”. This may add to the challenges they are facing. In his work with couples who are bereaved Garrett has witnessed how a “breakdown in communication between a couple leads to tension”. To illustrate some of the particular issues partners are confronting, Garrett gave an anonymous example of misunderstanding of a relationship. He described how a parent may look at their partner when they are having a good day; a fleeting moment of “respite..….they may be laughing”. The other parent at that time may find their mood or reaction difficult to understand. They may possibly “judge them” for being happy Garrett remarked. Even, if the happiness was momentary. It may upset the other. In reflecting about the reactions to the death of a loved one, guilt and blame frequently emerge. Somehow from the “closeness of spouses to each other” blame may grow. Blame may be “assumed or presumed”. Usually it has very little to do with the reality of a situation. Perhaps these feelings link back to Garrett’s comments about parents always feeling a sense of responsibility for what happens to their child. Garrett raised other possible issues for the partner relationship in grief. There is what he described as the uniqueness of each partner’s experience. Although as Garrett highlighted “they are both struggling with the loss of the same child each will have a different loss experience as well as their own unique mourning experience”. This is because parents have their own particular relationship and connection with their child. Parents’ roles may also be different around their child. “What is lost may be different”. Garrett strongly emphasized, through the night, that differences in grieving do not mean “loving less”. He went on to talk about how parents have their own ways to “grieve and manage their grief”. In this context, Garrett spoke about the work of grief researchers and educators Martin and Doka (1996, 2000). Over a number of years they have researched different grieving styles. They have also named the disenfranchised (unacknowledged) grief which comes when a particular style or experience may not be recognized. Initially different grieving styles, Garrett
told the group, were named by the researches as masculine or female. For example the female style was thought of as more expressive and intuitive, thinking, talking; while the masculine was sort of more energetic and action orientated. Masculine is associated with doing something. A group member said of her partner “he’s really action oriented.. I’m not”. Later a father would raise whether there was something about being back at work that has meant that fathers ( who seem often to have to return to work shortly after their child’s death) looked more action orientated in their grieving style. Over time these differing styles which are thought of as being on a continuum have been relabeled as intuitive and instrumental. Within a marital relationship, spouses may have a style of grieving. This is “often misconstrued” by the other partner - they aren’t grieving, they’re grieving too much or they don’t care. As parents and as members of communities we all have certain expectations of what is expected in the behaviour of those who grieve. Once more Garrett said to the group how differences in style do not mean “differences in the heart or in the connection with the child”. He gave the pertinent example of Lindy Chamberlin. The media portrayed her as not grieving for her baby daughter Azaria. Her presentation was judged and thought of as inappropriate by the general public. There seemed to be no outward sign of her suffering and so she was perceived as not grieving. She later talked about the depth of her suffering. In this context Garrett listed some of the words he has heard from partners about their predicaments. These are - “I would like to talk to my husband but I can’t as he doesn’t like to see me cry” “I know he’s hurting but he’s not telling me” “I don’t want to upset her by letting her see me crying I can’t talk about it as it upsets me too much although I feel like I’m letting her down because I think she wants me to talk”. Garrett gave some illustrations of potential misunderstandings between partners. Such as a parent might be given messages from their partner to stop crying or to take the pictures down. If they do they might be viewed as “moving on too quickly”. Garrett asked group members whether they had experienced
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any of these issues. One mother said “initially we were in the same place but it quickly changed my husband went on to work...he encourages me to come to the group. He wouldn’t come himself... I can’t figure it out where do we go from here I know he feels for him (the child who died) but there’s a sort of rift…I have to keep at it in my own way”. In responding to the mother’s comments Garrett said it can feel like, (as he touched his heart), “an abandonment in here, a hurdle in a relationship”. Another parent said, “I want that connection but we’re doing it differently”. One member of the group shared these thoughts –“We do it differently, we have all our marriage so it’s not a surprise. We’ve always behaved differently… I do things… I’ve created a book and a website. Sometimes by doing things it’s easier than not doing something. As she pondered the mother’s words, a group member observed “you don’t want him to be forgotten”. From his time with bereaved parents Garrett noted some of what seems to help. He suggested these to the group.
“The marital relationship also needs to adjust and look at ways of accommodating those changes”. Garrett has seen how honest, clear communication can dispel many doubts and false assumptions. “Sometimes”, Garrett suggested , “having others you can talk to can take the tension out of a relationship” and may stop the build up of additional stress. At this point in the group’s time together Garrett went on to talk about the family as a system. The death of a child he described as “a whole family experience”. Many parents may have to continue their role of parenting other children. Yet they feel not able “to give the love to give to them their capacity to parent may be affected by feeling completely exhausted”. One parent gave voice to her thoughts about parenting while grieving in this way-“I’m focused on looking after them (her living children) … They’re my reason for breathing or they keep me going they’re my focus… I need to look after them Garrett then spoke further about some of the potential challenges for families. One of these is “dealing with the loss of a child whilst simultaneously having to fill this role with other children”. “Parents” Garrett said “can wonder about their ability to love and respond to their other children as they feel emotionally deadened by the effects of their overwhelming grief”. “I could cry all day but I don’t want him to see it, when I pick him up from school I stop….it’s a dilemma, I could go into a ball, it’s a balancing act”. However as one mother responded “others don’t want you to curl up into a ball”. Although from her experiences she would like “to retreat into a cave”. The contrasting themes of doing nothing and busyness ran through much of the night. “I’ve been busy, I’m programmed…. so busy all the time. I’ve been like that from the start.. … but I can’t be by myself or on my own or I’m worried if …I’ll fall into a heap, there’s no time… fall off the world,”. One parent spoke about being “super busy” and had come to think that this may be a form of self protection. Some members of the group had taken up swimming, running, cycling and the gym as ways of filling the space and keeping busy.
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Respect Clear communication where possible. A recent example was of a mother writing a letter to a child who has died and then reading the letter to others close to her. Through this process she was “allowing them into her world and acknowledging their pain”. Addressing breakdown in communications in smaller areas before it builds up leading to resentment Understanding differences in styles and ways in which you cope, differences are just differences
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Space for partners to talk about where they are at rather than not talking and thinking this is protecting the other In exploring these suggestions, Garrett acknowledged that sometimes for people who are grieving it can feel “too overwhelming to talk to partners”. At some level, he reflected, echoing the comments made earlier by a father, parents are “changed people as a result of their loss ….you are forever changed after the death of a child.
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“I need to be busy to find something to do”. “Left without the baby (of the family), we’re on our own much earlier” one father said. “Too much time on your own doesn’t do you any good”. Were some of the group members thoughts about busyness and time. Parents who are grief stricken may carry a “vulnerability to compare the child who has died to their other children consciously or unconsciously”. For example Garret said a father might become very irritated by their living child’s messiness – his thoughts may be my other child wouldn’t be like that. Then the parent could feel, he commented , “torn by their reaction of anger or comparison and feel a sense guilt”. Such complexities of grieving while parenting and grieving were underscored later in the evening when parents spoke about their living children’s reactions. Parents can sometimes feel other siblings are not grieving enough or have adjusted too quickly. They may not be showing “the loss or devastation”. As Garrett highlighted however they may well be doing this with their peers. In response a parent within the group spoke about how her surviving children seem to “already have moved on” Their focus seem to be on future social activities. The comment was made that children especially adolescents don’t want to be different or to stand out. Yet however grief can set people of all ages apart. “Developmentally”, Garrett reflected the grief of children changes overtime. Like adults children and young people grieve. Their needs are different however because of their developmental age and needs. Drawing once more on his experiences and as thoughts turned to “What can help”? Garrett proposed the following as useful -
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Being attuned to wider spread fallout and the impact of grief on relationships in the family system. Remember again that differences in how family members grieve are not differences in love.
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As we moved towards thinking about other relationships, Garrett quoted Glick (1974) “Loss does not occur in isolation from a person’s environment. Loss occurs in a social context which affects the grieving associated with the loss”. To further set the scene Garrett said “a major complication recognized around the death of a child is that often grief is disenfranchised”. This connected strongly with his earlier comments. From Garrett’s observations, his support of families and his wide reading, often those around grieving parents hold unrealistic expectations of them. Other adults may not want to “validate” their grief because in some ways the parents’ grief represents to others their worst fears- that is that a child can die. As Garrett explored with the group, this can feel dishonouring not only of the parent’s grief but also of the child who has died. A parent was finding that members of her community seeing of her down the street were ducking into shops to avoid her. She reflected that it “feels like an insult”. There also seemed to be an important timeliness for people’s response. They need to be supportive from very early on. For as the parent indicated that even now as people were “coming back in….it’s too late”. Another group member said “it’s about their time lines, they don’t want you to be like this all the time ...you can be hurt by what they’ll say, there’s all this advice….it’ll do you good”. In reply a mother said “how many times have I heard that?” The sense of the group was that many others who are not grieving may assume that they know what’s good for you in your grief! And “when feelings are, as Garrett surmised churned up, it will be “hard” to tolerate and know how to react. One parent spoke about how when she heard her friends complaining about having their children with them; for example a friend had made some negative comments about her children being home with her on school holidays, the group member felt “resentment…they’re bagging what I don’t have”. From her experiences a member of tonight’s group has concluded that those who in “their own life have had some sort of loss can show some empathy…They have an understanding”. While in somewhat of a contrast a father commented that recently he had been in a situation where he needed
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to express his condolences to a family. However he found that he struggled in doing this in any way that he felt would “be helpful or adequate” to the family. “I’ve been through it. It’s strange”. Through the evening’s conversation, several parents spoke of how they had been greatly moved by the recent death of actress/ singer Belinda Emmett. They felt for her family and had a sense of the path they were now on. Garrett identified some of the issues which can lead with problems in social relationships for grieving parents. These may include
people can’t. This may mean that parents can have more realistic outcome, expectations and better use of supports. Friends, Garrett suggested may fall into different groups or categories. These can be signified with a letter! “L’s - they are good listeners. D’s – the doers – these may be the people who mow your lawns, look after your children or bring a casserole around. R’s – these are the people who may not be able to listen too and who are not doers but they may offer some respite, that is time out and distraction from the overwhelming experience of grief”. Garrett then spoke about a mother who in visiting websites of bereaved parents found a forth group. This is the DGI’s (Don’t get it group), and they never will. From the interactions she’s had this bereaved person felt that there was “a group of people who are incapable, no matter how much time and how you can pour out your heart, to understand your grief”. This may be because of their own psychological blocks. “This group of people may be undermining. You may choose to cull them or see them differently” Garrett commented. At this point in the discussion Garrett asked parents to share some of their experiences with others. Parents in the group had a vast experience of dealing with the reactions of others and there had been both good experiences and painful disappointments. A father summed up by saying- “ At work all day… I’m in meetings. People go on about trivia … they say the most insensitive things… I find home more relaxing”. In thinking about the people she had come across since her son’s death a mother said “at work there were a few who got it but there were many who ignored me... I needed for it to be acknowledged not to be put on a pedestal. Just say something, I don’t have the energy at this time in my life to explain to them”. Another a mother responded to these comments “it’s just too much effort”. “Some people can learn” one mother observed.
• Feeling others are not acknowledging the pain
sufficiently
• Do not help enough • Are too egocentric • Have unrealistic expectations of bereaved parents
Around the room there was a fair amount of head nodding to Garrett’s summation of possible experiences with other people. Garrett has seen how “relationships with other people whom previously you would have considered good friends can be threatened by disappointment and there maybe a desire to cull those who are not up to scratch”. Garrett gently advised that “at some level people will need to review their relationships they also need to be cautious not to indiscriminately cull their old friendship network”. Garrett commented that the loss of friends can be “a further cruel blow, they let you down profoundly”. The pain of grief is such that it keeps others away. They don’t mention it or they might tell you what to do” he reflected to the parents. Garrett shared with the group how at a recent lecture given by Kenneth Doka, he had spoken about “reframing how you view your support network”. Garrett developed this idea further by saying “people may offer support at different levels which fulfils different needs” at different times for those who are bereaved. Doka has suggested that there are three types or levels of support which people can offer. Bereaved people, Doka proposes, may need to look at their support network and work out who can offer something that is supportive to them and which
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She had been able to help others to see how it may be for her. She has done this by translating her reactions into what it may be like for them if they could imagine having the same experiences. What would they feel in the same situation? Another member of the group shared “I don’t do that it wouldn’t be me... I don’t say too much”. This parent was finding that in some situations it was better for her to keep quiet. We noted again that everyone needs to find what works for them. Through the night we heard of some instances of wonderful thoughtfulness shown by others. These included a work colleague who gave flowers to a mother on her first Mother’s Day since her son’s death and friends who find creative ways to include the child has died on invitations for celebrations. Such acknowledgement cheers the heart and lifts the spirit. We also listened as a father had found again “the least expected people, (offer support) people I don’t know... people don’t know,...they don’t know how to deal with it”. In this context a father talked about a fellow he had known for years who after his young son had died in an accident spoke to him as “it was just like ( named a piece of equipment) broken down...That hurt a bit”. By contrast he had found that a local man he didn’t know well- “Has come around a few times …just for a talk... have a coffee”. A parent spoke about how she felt she “was in the honeymoon period of grief.. We’ve no idea what may happen and who’s left”. For one couple “lots of people have said you’re “so strong”. The thoughts they could share with the group were “but we have no time and no choice” (to do otherwise). As this part of the evening concluded Garrett said “there are not hard and fast rules, the question is what do I need to do now to protect the self”. Garrett shared with parents a piece from the Compassionate Friends magazine pg. 14 August – September, 2006 about grief and marriage. He ended with a quotation from Thomas Attig (2002) ‘Whilst we have no choices around loss we have choices within our grief and how we manage it’.
As this part of the evening concluded we extended our gratitude to Garrett for sharing with us the insights of others who have walked this path and for enabling a sensitive conversation about many significant matters. For those who were able to stay the conversation flowed over refreshments. Jane and Carol will be attending and presenting at an International Conference when the December group meets. We will be thinking of the group when it meets on December 14th. Please see the notice on the last page for group details.
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Some notes for November
In Only Spring- on mourning the death of my son, Gordon Livingston documents an intimate journey. It is a journey through his young son’s diagnosis of and treatment for leukemia, his dying and the immeasurable grief which came from his death. Dr Gordon Livingston, American Psychiatrist, is a father twice bereaved. His oldest son Andrew committed suicide only months before Lucas’ diagnosis. From his introduction to the words of prologue and his journey in between Dr Livingston describes the demands, hopes and tribulations of his son’s treatment. The anguished struggle for understanding his anger and sorrow and ultimately his experience of love and survival are journalled in a honest compelling way. We feel that other families may find this work joins with their own story. The foreword written by author and journalist Mark Helping the introduction and epilogue maybe particularly supportive to parents. These can be read as stand alone pieces. This book is published by Hachette Australia, 2006 and should be available in most major book stores.
Childrens’ Cancer Centre Some parents have asked us whether pictures of the new ward of the Children’s Cancer Centre may be available The Centre was opened by the Honorable Tony Abbott, Federal Minister for Health and the Honorable Steve Bracks, MP Premier of Victoria on Tuesday the 10th of October and has “more inpatient beds with improved family facilities”. We understand that pictures of the new ward will be included in a future edition of the Children’s Cancer Centre Newsletter. The newsletter is available through the Hospital internet. Go to the Children’s Cancer Centre and follow the pathway.
Memorial Services and Seminars During November and December, throughout Melbourne many funeral directors conduct Services of Remembrance for those who have died and seminars to help those who are grieving as they through the holiday season. Over the years these have been very useful for many parents. For details contact major funeral companies.
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Straight from the Heart
This month our sincere thanks go out to Mrs Amy Judge, Parem’s mother for the photograph of her baby son and the poems she has shared with us. Amy’s words give voice to the love, happiness and sense of wonder which Parem brought into her life. They record the gifts of his presence which remain. They also render her thoughtful reflections on meaning and purpose following his death. Others who are grieving will be touched by these beautiful poems. In honour of Parem Judge 16th November 2005 – 26th November 2005
Parem Singh Judge
Never can I forget the first time I saw you The feeling that you truly were mine Never wanting to realize what could possibly be That it may well be your time A treasure trove of dreams come true Joy that cannot be spoken My reason to live, my entire being Now lays shattered and broken Could your little hands curl up any tighter? As though to not let anyone in Not one imagined such a courageous fighter Your amazing power within That undeniable strength to take each breath Was showered on those around During the bustle of the hospital ward In your presence the calm was found During the night I would awaken to see Your soul kneeling at God’s gate I wish I still held you close in my arms But no longer could He await Each day I remember the gifts you gave And the signs you’ve left for me And every moment I know that you’re waiting up there Still it’s impossible to believe such a gorgeous boy could be Amy Judge 19 January 2006 10
Straight from the Heart
A girl once pondered upon the mysteries of the world
All that is experienced in this world Is felt in the realm of life-like dreams Nothing is real, no matter will last You must remember it’s not what it seems Bound together by the strings of karma All that has been and will come to be Lord knows what she has done And from that what she now will see What her master has planned she cannot imagine The extent of His power one cannot fathom She won’t be brought down by sorrow and pain Nor fly high for the joy of wealth and gain Neither will last, nor the darkness or the light The days will pass as will the night Please bless and guide your servant girl Be with her always through the twist and twirl Help her through these wretched of times Let her know it will all be fine Give her peace and patience in this unrelenting place Bless her with the ability to live with grace Guide and strengthen her old soul Shine down your light and maker her whole 19 January 2006 Amy Judge
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Contributions such as poems, letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents and friends are most welcome in the Newsletters. Share your thoughts, experiences and questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to: The Editor Parents’ Bereavement Support Group Social Work Department Royal Children’s Hospital Flemington Road PARKVILLE VIC 3052 Families want to hear from other families!
The next meeting of the Parents’ Bereavement Support Group will be held on:
Thursday 14th December
7:30 pm – 9:30 pm Seminar Room 2, 4th Floor Front Entry Building Royal Children’s Hospital
Please note that the December group is the 2nd Thursday in December
‘Looking Forward, Looking Back: Grief and the Holiday Season’.
The December group will be guided by Ms Liz Wynne and Ms Helen Stewart, Social Workers on the Haematology / Oncology Team. Helen and Liz will explore with parents some of the particular challenges this time of the year may hold for families who are bereaved. They will share some thoughts about how to move gently through the holiday season and into the new year. Please join Liz and Helen for the final group of 2006.
The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to the parents of the Parents' Bereavement Support Group, Garrett O’Dowd, Carol Quayle, Jane Miller (Chief Social Worker), and to our able and dedicated Administraion Team: Aleisha Desmond, Carly Burnett and Rebecca Welsh for their enormous assistance with the creation of the newsletter.
Jane Sullivan Author & Editor
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