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                           // \\ // \\ EPHISTO // \\ // \\ ADWARE
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                          Mephisto Madware/Red Menace Productions

                                              Present:

                                      "Real Pez Devotees"
                                       ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~
                                              by:

                                            (who else?)
                                              Mr. Pez
                                              ~~~ ~~~

       Now, as the swirl of        text graphics finishes,         you realize that what
you
  have is another annoying         file from Mr.      Pez.    "Ah," you say, "but I
haven't
  SEEN any files from Mr.          Pez!" To which I counter, "My annoying
personality
  on the many boards I             call,     not   to    mention 75-line messages,
can be
  considered to be files."         And this file tells you how to be JUST        LIKE
your
  favorite candy/dispenser         combo.

                                           first part:
                                   Real Pez Devotees as Sysops

         Real Pez Devotees will be sysops in the near future,             and   have
always
                              been that way.

         Real   Pez    Devotees,   if   sysops,      want    to know everything about
their
                               users, like real names and stuff.

         Real Pez Devotees don't mind leeching,             if done in mild amounts,
since
                              they    know    that      leeching   is how they got all
their
                            files.

        Real Pez Devotees really love uploads.         ("What the hell is       this
shit?
                            ALL sysops love uploads!") (Ah,        my misguided
friend,
                            Real Pez Devotees are eternally grateful.)

        Real   Pez   Devotees    never   have   the   heart   to delete users who
quite
                            obviously are fake,       like users who     call
themselves
                            "BIOC    AGENT 003",      on the off chance that they
might
                            be the real person.

      Real Pez Devotees, if finally given sysop access,                say so
everywhere,
                       and beg people to call the board.               (In this case,
The
                       Works, 914-238-8195. See?)


                                     second part:
                            Real Pez Devotees as BBS users

        Real   Pez   Devotees    "pollute"   BBS's.    That is to say,    they call
them
                            regularly,     say twice a day,      and post an awful
lot.
                            This    is   not altogether well-liked by the sysops
and
                            users of those boards,       but they realize       they
can't
                            really   do    anything about it.     And a Pez is not
such
                            an bad thing to have on a         board,   since    while
they
                        leech, they upload, too, and join in
conversations.
            corollary:
      Real Pez Devotees saturate their area code.

        Real Pez Devotees,      sadly,   kiss ass,    and go out of their way to
avoid
                            confrontations,     sometimes changing       their
posistion
                            right then and there.       That's not altogether bad,
but
                            does hurt a Pez's credibility.

              corollary:
        Real Pez Devotees apologize.
         Real   Pez   Devotees   never    know who to put as "references"...they
have
                             spoken and left mail to a lot of           people,   but
think
                             that it's a big step to put someone as a
reference.

         Real Pez Devotees leech of boards they know, but are loath to leech
off
                             of pirate boards,      since they don't want to look
bad.
                             (See "Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass"..)

  Real     Pez Devotees use long-distance services to make free calls,               but
know
                             that this does not make         them   considered
"phreaks".
                             They   use    the "codes" to call all kinds of BBS's
all
                             over the country once a day.

                corollary:
         Real   Pez Devotees     will    never    say they "phreak" to anyone who
might
                             possibly know anything about it,           but will look
down
                             on people who only call local Commodore 64 BBS's.

         Real Pez Devotees like many kinds of IBM BBS software, notably WWIV
for
                             its neat ANSI (colored) graphics           tricks,   Forum
for
                             its    full-screen     editor,    PC-Board for its
enjoyable
                             prospects for       leeching,    Citadel    for   its   ease
of
                             logging on, reading all messages, and logging
off, as
                             well as the ability for anyone to create "rooms",
or
                             sub-boards (NOT called SUBZ!!1 which           are
sandwiches
                             that you get from a deli.),        software called "M-
Link"
                             for    its     overall     whackiness       (i.e.
individual
                           ranknames and a general good humor).
               corollary:
         Real Pez Devotees hate RBBS, C-Net (and mostly all Commodore                64
BBS
                             software), and yes, AE's without anything
"attached",
                             like TAC,     TransPhor (it's new, for IBM's), or
having
                           BBS's attached to them.

      Real    Pez   Devotees gently harass people they know,           which is
sometimes
                           taken out of context to try to show a Pez as
mean, or
                           spiteful.

      Real    Pez   Devotees    are nosy,   and have tried to read messages
with an
                           "S." in front of them,        as   well    as   "Reciever-
Only"
                           messages on PC-Boards.        (Note to unenlightened:
"PC-
                           Board" is an IBM BBS program,        not a general term
for
                           boards   run     on IBM's.    It's sort of like RBBS,
only
                           spiced up with color and better           transfer
sections.)
                           They   also    look   at Callers Logs to find out who
was
                           tying up the board when they wanted to be on, and
how
                           many downloads people make.        If they know the
sysop's
                           voice number,     they'll call him if the board is
busy,
                           and ask who's on.

                                     third part:
                       The Writing Styles of Real Pez Devotees

       Real   Pez    Devotees   care   about spelling and proper use of
grammar in
                           textfiles/messages,      but rarely say so.         But in
their
                           minds,   they    don't   really    respect people who
spell
                           badly and use improper grammar.           Although,     (see
the
                           "ass-kissing"     section)    they   will overlook
improper
                           grammar if the person has a national reputation
(i.e.
                           certain Neon Knights,        Budman "Zeek",       and
others.).
                           That's why a Pez likes Anarchy inc.             so much,
because
                           they seem very intelligent, as a whole.
                       Ex: I looked up the word "corollary" because I wasn't
                           sure how to spell it.
                       Ex: I'm going to spell-check this when I'm done.
         Real Pez Devotees have adapted a lot of           people's    writing   styles,
as
                             well    as their own,        to form what looks like a
unique
                             personality.     Some examples follow:

                        1.    Capitalizing words to emphasize points
                       Ex:    "I can't BELIEVE you did that!"
                             Also, using an asterisk after the word to
emphasize
                           points. (Stolen from Citadels in Minnesota.)
                       Ex: "I can't believe* you said that!"
                        2. Using "..." to link common subjects, or indicate
                           time passing, or end a sentence.
                       Ex: "I can't believe you said that...but I guess I
would
                            too, in that situation...who knows..."
                        3. Two spaces after a period. That's pretty much
                           universal, though. As well as skipping a line
                           between paragraphs.
                        4. A lot of commas used, so as not to appear as a
                           run-on sentence.
                        5. When chatting, every line begins with "Yeah," or
                           "Well,".
                        6. The use of "a), b), c)" to distinguish separate
                           points.


                                   fourth part:
                     The Personal Habits of Real Pez Devotees

         Real Pez Devotees stay up until 11:30 on weeknights,             and    wake   up
at
                             5:30,    and thus are numb all day.          On weekends,
they
                             stay up until 3am,        when the     boards   finally
become
                             freed    up.   Or     else    they    write textfiles like
this
                             one.

         Real Pez Devotees screw around on the computer until 10:00              every
day,
                             and then do their homework.           Strangely enough,     I
got
                             my highest grades ever since starting this.

         Real Pez Devotees drink large amounts of           Coke    Classic,    which
allows
                             them to stay up to 3am.         Also, "Twix" bars are a
cool
                             thing    to    eat,   from    time to time.     Another
fave is
                             cereal ("Cinnamon Life") eaten at odd hours.
         Real   Pez Devotees feel awkward walking into a classroom when there
are
                             a lot of people already in there.            They    always
feel
                             sort   of   awkward in front of lots of people.
Unless
                             they are    drunk,    in     which    case   they    don't
care.
                             Unfortunately,       this    is a rare happening.
Normally,
                             we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-
Cola.

         Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.

         Real   Pez   Devotees enjoy volleyball,         soccer,   and baseball,     but
hate
                             football and "bombardment".           (A   violent   version
of
                             Dodgeball.)    (Real     Pez    Devotees have always
thought
                             Speedball sounded better than it played.)

      Real Pez Devotees yell at their parents from time to time, but
usually
                        do what they say. (Within reasonable limits.)

         Real Pez Devotees have really short hair, and like it that way.

                                       fifth part:
                              Real Pez Devotees And Clothes

      Real Pez Devotees wear:
                        khaki pants
                       "Banana Republic"
                        button-downs
                       "Coca-Cola" clothes
                        Levi's "501" jeans
                        Docksiders (without socks until December,
usually.
                                    They can take it.)
                        glasses.

         If a Real Pez Devotee finds a shirt he likes, he'll buy several in
                           different colors. And has trouble explaining it.

         Real Pez Devotees have sneakers,      but usually leave them in            their
gym
                             locker,     preferring instead the ubiquitous
Docksiders
                             or duck boots (ugly,         but   Real    Pez   Devotees
don't
                             care).
                                     sixth part:
                                    (holy shit!)
                             Real Pez Devotees and Music

         Real Pez Devotees listen to:
                           Ska (which includes)
                            The English Beat
                            The Specials
                            The Skatalites
                            The Selecter
                            Rico Rodriguez
                           Reggae (only)
                            Yellowman
                            Black Uhuru
                           old Santana records
                           their own music (more on that later)
                           Run-D.M.C. (they got hooked last year)

         Real Pez Devotees hate:
                           Top 40 (including all)
                            Genesis
                            Bon Jovi
                            Madonna
                            Pet Shop Boys
                            and all other Top 40 fluff groups.
                           Stryper (that's fucking scarier than Satanism
                                     in "metal"!)

         Real Pez Devotees are in a band,     and go over to their friend's
houses
                           on   weekends    with   a lot of equipment and jam.
This
                           usually results in a         song,   or    degenerates
into    a
                           point    where   they   go    to     the   computer   and
start
                           harassing people on CompuServe "CB".           The    songs
are
                           mixed,   like rap, reggae, blues, slamdance stuff,
and
                           artsy Talking Heads clones.

                                    seventh part:
                             Bullshitting Around/The End

    So, I figured I had to start with a "Real" file. One that
detailed my
    personality, and habits, and stuff. My name's Mr. Pez, and I
don't
    expect you to imitate me. Hell, I don't know what to think of this
file.
    It's kind of long, huh? Hope it was worth it...
     -Pez

               :   STUPID_SPECS RM/MM '87
          Begun:   25 February 1987 3:12pm
       Finished:   28 February 1987 1:26am
     Written on:   IBM PC, Writing Assistant (written and spell-checked)
         Edited:   with PC-Write (for justification, clarity, text graphics)
         Author:   Mr. Pez
            For:   Red Menace, Octothorpe Productions (?), Mephisto Madware
           Size:   15,640 bytes

        A few boards which ask only that you grace them with your presence.
       _- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -
_
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_____N_a_m_e____________S_y_s_o_p_____S_o_f_t_w_a_r_e____N_u_m_b_e_r____
    [] The Works!       [] Jason Scott! [] PCBoard 10.0 || [914]/238-8195
[]
    [] The Darque Side []    S Bunker   [] Micro*Link || [408]/245-SPAM
[]
    [] Terrapin Station [] Count Nibble []    AE:TAC    || [505]/865-0883
[]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

classroom when there are
                        a lot of people already in there. They always
feel
                        sort of awkward in front of lots of people.
Unless
                        they are drunk, in which case they don't
care.
                        Unfortunately, this is a rare happening.
Normally,
                        we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-
Cola.

        Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.

        Real   Pez   Devotees enjoy volleyball,    soccer,   and baseball,    but
hate
                             football and "bombardment".     (A   violent   version
of
                             Dodgeball.)   (Real   Pez   Devotees have always
thought

				
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