JOEYS JUDGEMENT.fdx Script by xumiaomaio

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									                           JOEY'S JUSTICE



                             Written by


                           Jerry Rowland

                     Based on the sitcom FRIENDS




746 Millard Cyn Rd
Altadena, CA 91001
626 398 9794
TEASER

                                                     FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY

ALL THERE. WE SLOWLY PAN PAST EACH OF THE CASTS' FACES - THEY
ARE WAITING FOR SOMETHING IN GREAT ANTICIPATION: FIRST
CHANDLER, FOLLOWED BY MONICA, THEN RACHEL, ROSS, PHOEBE, AND
FINALLY WE PAUSE ON JOEY WHO IS LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE
CAMERA. HIS FACE IS CONTORTING, AS IF PREPARING TO DELIVER A
MONOLOGUE AS SOME EXOTIC CHARACTER.

                          JOEY

          Cheeee! OOO-ooo-OOO.

                          CHANDLER

          That's it?! We waited for five minutes

          for you to get "into character" to do

          Kornelius from the 'Planet of the

          Apes' and that was it?!

               (BEAT)

          And you say you're paying for these

          acting classes?

                          JOEY

          Ross, you've got some knowledge about
          monkeys... was that like a real

          monkey?

                          ROSS

          Well,... I guess...

                          CHANDLER

          That's not the point! See Kornelius

          was not a regular monkey... he was an

          advanced monkey. From the twenty-

          second century.
                          (MORE)
                                                           2.
                         CHANDLER (CONT'D)

          He had language, he had feelings, he

          had the ability to communicate

          effectively, he was a scientist for

          crying out loud!!

JOEY GIVES A CONFUSED LOOK.

                         PHOEBE

          I thought it sounded exactly like a

          monkey, Joey.

ALL AGREE BUT FOR CHANDLER: "YEAH JOEY", "GOOD MONKEY".

                         CHANDLER

          Look, I hate to be the negative one

          here.

                         MONICA

          Yeah, right.

                         CHANDLER

          But I think it's my duty to really let

          you know.

                         BEAT)
          Maybe you're kidding yourself about

          this acting thing! I mean anyone can

          do Kornelius...

CHANDLER WALKS APE-LIKE TO THE CENTER OF THE COFFEE SHOP AND
DOES AN IMPRESSIVE KORNELIUS.

                         CHANDLER (CONT'D.)

          This human you speak of,... this

          'bright eyes'... you say he's

          different? How so?
                                                              3.


ALL LOOK AT CHANDLER FOR A MINUTE, THEN BACK TO JOEY. ALL,
BUT FOR CHANDLER: "I LIKED YOUR MONKEY BETTER JOEY", "YEAH,
JOEY'S MONKEY WAS DEFINITELY MUCH BETTER", ETC. CHANDLER
SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF.

                                                    FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER
                                                           4.


                             ACT ONE

B

                                                     FADE IN:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

MONICA, RACHEL AND PHOEBE RELAX IN THE LIVING ROOM. THEY HAVE
JUST FINISHED WATCHING AN OLD 1940'S MOVIE.

                         MONICA

          I love those old movies.

MONICA SHUTS OFF THE TELEVISION.

                         MONICA (CONT’D)

          What happened to those kinda men. You

          know, the romantic, sensitive men of

          the forties?

                         RACHEL

          Uh oh, she's on that 'men of the

          forties' thing.

               (BEAT)

          You're not thinking of dating

          someone's grandfather again, are you?
                         MONICA

          No. It just seems so hard to find a

          nice guy who's easy to talk to, and

          who still respects you after you've

          told him how all men are rude, self-

          centered, idiots.

                         RACHEL

          So true.
                                                           5.


                       MONICA

          You find it hard to find nice guys?

                       RACHEL

          No, I was agreeing with the self-

          centered, idiots part.

                       BEAT)

          Hey, Phebes? You're kinda quiet.

PHOEBE NODS.

                       PHOEBE

          Uh huh.

SHE QUICKLY RETURNS TO STARING OFF. MONICA AND RACHEL LOOK AT
ONE ANOTHER AND ROLL THEIR EYES.

THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND CHANDLER ENTERS IN A PANIC. HE SLAMS
THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND LEANS HIS BACK AGAINST IT.

                       MONICA

          Did I mention rude?

                       CHANDLER

          Oh my God! He killed her!

THEY LOOK AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, THEN LOOK AWAY.
                       MONICA

               (TO RACHEL AND PHOEBE)

          So do any of you want any tea?

                       RACHEL

          I'll have one... Phebe?

                       PHOEBE

          Sure, could you hold the tea on mine?
                                                             6.


                           MONICA

          Wouldn't that be just hot... oh, never

          mind.

MONICA CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN.

                           CHANDLER

          Didn't you hear me!! I said he killed

          her!

                           MONICA

          Okay, okay... I'll take a stroll in

          your delusional world.

                  (BEAT)

          Who killed her?

                           CHANDLER

          Joey, Joey killed her! I saw the whole

          thing! Well, part of it anyway.

CHANDLER, STILL BARRING THE DOOR, CAUTIOUSLY LOOKS OUT THE
PEEPHOLE - AS IF SOMEONE COULD SEE IN.

                           RACHEL

          You're trying to tell us that our
          Joey,... sweet, kind, gentle Joey,

          killed someone?

                           CHANDLER

          Well,... yes.

                           PHOEBE

          Sensitive, caring, giving, Joey?

                           MONICA

          Loving, warm, compassionate...
                                                           7.


                       CHANDLER

          Enough already!! I'm telling ya, the

          guy just killed someone about five

          minutes ago! Right there in our

          apartment!

                       MONICA

          So if we went over we'd see a dead

          body?

                       CHANDLER

          Well, not exactly...

                       MONICA
              (TO RACHEL)

          You want 'Sleepy Time' or 'Earl Grey'?

                       CHANDLER

          Okay, I may have told some tall tales

          in the past,...

                       ALL

          Uh, huh.

                       CHANDLER
          ...and I may have a tendency to

          exaggerate the truth...

                       ALL

          Uh, huh.

                       CHANDLER

          ... but as Dean Martin is my witness,

          this is for real!!

CHANDLER LOCKS THE DOOR AND CHECKS THE PEEPHOLE ONE MORE
TIME.
                                                               8.


INSERT - CHANDLER'S P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE - WE SEE   A
DISTORTED, FISHEYE VIEW OF ROSS. CHANDLER SCREAMS AT THE
HIDEOUS FACE, OPENS THE DOOR AND PULLS ROSS IN.

                        CHANDLER (CONT'D.)

          Get in here! It isn't safe!

                        ROSS

          We're not playing 'Marathon Man'

          again, are we?

                        MONICA

          No, Chandler swears he saw Joey kill

          some woman.

                        ROSS

          Hey, hey, hey!! Wait a minute! This

          could be serious.

                        CHANDLER

          Finally!

                       ROSS
              (TO MONICA)

          You do have hot cocoa, right?

                                                 DISSOLVE TO:
                                                             9.


                               ACT ONE

C

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

ALL THERE EXCEPT JOEY. THEY LOOK AT CHANDLER SUSPICIOUSLY.

                        CHANDLER

          Hey, what do I have to do to get you

          guys to believe me?

                        ROSS

          I guess you couldn't possibly be

          someone else, could you?

                        CHANDLER

          Okay, fine...

                        MONICA

          Wait... why don't you tell us what

          happened?

                        ROSS

          You didn't really mean to say that did

          you?
                        CHANDLER

          Well... there I was minding my own

          business...

                        RACHEL

          Well, now we know he's lying...

CHANDLER SHOOTS RACHEL A LOOK.

                        ROSS

          Let him, finish...
                                                            10.


                       CHANDLER

          Thanks, Ross.

                       ROSS

          ... I like good fiction.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT - EARLIER THAT EVENING

CHANDLER, IN A SMOKING JACKET, IS IN THE KITCHEN POURING
HIMSELF A GLASS OF MILK AS HE READS A BOOK.

                       CHANDLER (V.O.)(CONT'D.)

          I was just settling in for a quiet

          night at home, preparing to read a

          fine new novel.

INSERT - COVER OF BOOK ENTITLED: "THE CEREBRAL MAN".

CHANDLER IS HEADING BACK TO HIS BEDROOM.

                       CHANDLER (V.O.)

          I was just starting to go into my

          room, when I heard the door begin to

          open.

ANGLE ON: THE DOOR IS OPENING.
                       CHANDLER (V.O.)

          I saw Joey come in with a woman.

JOEY AND A WOMAN ENTER. THE WOMAN IS LIMP UNDER JOEY'S ARMS.

                       CHANDLER

          Hey Joey.

                       CHANDLER (V.O.)

          It was at that moment, I noticed that

          the woman looked either drunk or

          drugged.
                                                          11.


                        ROSS (V.O.)

          Sounds more like one of your dates.

THEY ALL LAUGH (V.O.) AT CHANDLER.

                        CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Look, who's telling this story?

                        ROSS (V.O.)

          Sorry, go ahead.

CHANDLER HIDES BEHIND HIS DOOR AS HE SEES JOEY AND THE WOMAN
ENTER. JOEY DRAGS HER TO HIS BEDROOM.

                        CHANDLER (V.O.)(CONT'D.)

          They didn't see me, so I decided not

          to make a big deal out of it.

INT. CHANDLER'S ROOM.

CHANDLER SITS AND BEGINS TO READ HIS BOOK.

                        CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Their conversation started to get

          louder and louder until I couldn't

          ignore it any longer.

CHANDLER BEGINS TO LISTEN TO JOEY AND THE WOMAN ARGUE.
                        JOEY (O.S.)

          ... we're finished and that's the last

          time I want to hear about it, do you

          understand?

                        WOMAN (O.S.)

          Why can't it be like it was?

                        JOEY (O.S.)

          It's over! You've got to realize that!
                                                          12.


                         WOMAN (O.S.)

          I can't! I can't let it go!!

                         JOEY (O.S.)

          Uh, oh.

CHANDLER CAN HEAR JOEY RUN FROM HIS ROOM. HE OPENS HIS
BEDROOM DOOR IN TIME TO SEE JOEY RUSH OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          I waited to see if she would chase

          after him.

                         MONICA (V.O.)

          Did she?

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Please,... I'm not done yet.

HE WAITS TO SEE THE WOMAN EXIT TOO. SHE DOESN'T.

                         CHANDLER

          What the....

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          So I went in to his room to see if

          this woman was all right.
                         CHANDLER

          Hello?.... Miss?

                         ROSS (V.O.)

          Since when do you have a smoking

          jacket?

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Try to stay with me on this,... this

          is the important part coming up.
                         (MORE)
                                                            13.
                         CHANDLER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
              (BEAT)

          So, I go into his room.

CHANDLER ENTERS JOEY'S ROOM. IT IS EMPTY.

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)(CONT'D.)

          It's empty. Not a person in sight.

                         PHOEBE (V.O.)

          But what about Joey and this woman?

THE ON-SCREEN CHANDLER GIVES AN INCREDULOUS LOOK.

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Ah,... yeah. They weren't there

          either...

               (BEAT)

          So I noticed that the window was

          open... I went and looked out.

CHANDLER'S P.O.V. FROM THE WINDOW: IN THE DARKNESS OF EARLY
EVENING, JOEY IS DRAGGING A WOMAN'S LIMP BODY OFF OF THE
SIDEWALK.

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          And there, on the sidewalk, many
          floors below, I could see Joey...

          dragging her limp body into the

          darkness. He pitched her out the

          window!

CHANDLER LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA WITH TERROR.

                         CHANDLER

          Oh my God!!!

HE RUNS FROM THE APARTMENT TO MONICA AND RACHEL'S.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
                                                          14.


INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

CHANDLER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE REST OF THE GANG (LESS
JOEY) WHO ARE SEATED IN THE LIVING ROOM.

                       CHANDLER (CONT'D.)

          ... and that's when I came over here.

          Well, there is something else. Never

          mind. You might not believe me...

                       ROSS

          Well, there's a stretch...

                       CHANDLER

          This woman may have been bald...

                       ROSS

          Up until the bald part, I thought you

          were just making the whole thing up.

          But now I believe you!

THEY ALL START COMMENTING: "ARE YOU NUTS?", "COULD JOEY HAVE
DONE IT?", ETC.

                       MONICA

          Wait a minute, let's get a hold of
          ourselves. There's got to be an

          explanation for all this.

                       CHANDLER

          Well, that's exactly how it happened.

                       ROSS

          Exactly?

                       CHANDLER

          I just told you...
                                                            15.


                         ROSS

          What happened to the smoking jacket?

                         CHANDLER

          Well...

                         MONICA

          Maybe what you saw was something

          completely different.

                         RACHEL

          Either way, I think we should call the

          police.

                         CHANDLER

          I agree.

CHANDLER CROSSES TO THE PHONE AND BEGINS DIALING.

                         ROSS

          This is just amazing. I can't believe

          it.

                         PHOEBE

          Me neither. That tea should've been
          done by now.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
                                                            16.


                             ACT ONE

D

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

THE GANG (LESS JOEY) SIT IN SHOCK THINKING OF THE
IMPLICATIONS.

                         MONICA

          There's got to be a reasonable

          explanation.

                         PHOEBE

          Maybe you forgot to turn on the stove.

MONICA SHOOTS HER A LOOK.

                         PHOEBE (CONT’D)

          Oh,... about the Joey murder thing.

                         MONICA

          Well, maybe it happened this way...

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT - EARLIER THAT EVENING

CHANDLER, DRESSED IN WHAT HE IS CURRENTLY WEARING, IS IN THE
KITCHEN POURING HIMSELF A GLASS OF MILK AS HE READS A BOOK.
HE SMELLS THE MILK, MAKES A FACE, SHRUGS AND DRINKS IT
ANYWAY.

                         MONICA (V.O.)

          Chandler is home, without a date as

          usual.

INSERT - COVER OF BOOK ENTITLED: "HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN".

CHANDLER IS HEADING BACK TO HIS BEDROOM.
                                                             17.


                       MONICA (V.O.)

          He was just starting to go into his

          sad, lonely room, when he hears the

          door begin to open.

ANGLE ON: THE DOOR IS OPENING.

                       MONICA (V.O.)

          He sees Joey come in with a woman.

JOEY AND THE WOMAN ENTER. CHANDLER GIVES A THUMBS UP AS HE
CHECKS OUT JOEY'S DATE. SHE IS ALL OVER JOEY, KISSING HIM
PASSIONATELY. JOEY IS PUSHING HER AWAY.

                       JOEY
              (TO THE WOMAN)

          Stop it, please.

                       CHANDLER

          Hey Joey. Aren't you going to

          introduce me?

                       JOEY

          Oh yeah. Chandler this is Becky.

          Becky, Chandler.

JOEY MOTIONS FOR CHANDLER TO LEAVE THEM ALONE.
                       CHANDLER

          Oh, sure... I was just going to do

          some reading... don't mind me, very

          thick walls...

INT. CHANDLER'S ROOM

CHANDLER ENTERS HIS ROOM, RUNS TO A DRAWER, GRABS A GLASS AND
BEGINS TO LISTEN TO THE WALL THAT JOINS HIS ROOM WITH JOEY'S.
                                                             18.


                        CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Now wait a minute... that's not even

          where I keep that glass.

                        MONICA (V.O.)

          Anyway, this is where I think things

          go bad. Chandler was right, she was

          drunk.

               (BEAT)

          She was anticipating that Joey was

          going to stop seeing her tonight -

          ending their torrid secret

          relationship.

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

JOEY IS PACING AS BECKY (SAME WOMAN AS BEFORE) SITS ON THE
BED. SHE IS DEPRESSED AN SOBBING. JOEY IS WROUGHT WITH
ANGUISH.

                        JOEY

          ... I'm sorry but we're finished and

          that's no reason to try to hurt
          yourself.

                        WOMAN

          I'll never find anyone like you.

                        JOEY

          That's probably true... but you must

          try. Maybe I could set you up with my

          roommate?
                                                           19.


                         WOMAN

          The weasel I just met? I'd rather jump

          out that window.

                         JOEY

          ... well, I’m sure you'll find someone

          who can care for you and love you

          completely, a guy who's romantic and

          sensitive...

                       MONICA (V.O.)
              (TEARING UP)

          That's so beautiful...

JOEY TURNS HIS BACK TO THE WOMAN.

                         WOMAN

          I can't! I can't let it go!!

THE WOMAN GETS UP AND GETS READY TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW.

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          What about the hair? Or lack of?

                         WOMAN

          Oh, and Joey... I even shaved my head
          for you.

THE WOMAN PULLS OFF A WIG TO REVEAL A BALD HEAD. JOEY TURNS
TO FACE HER. SHE JUMPS FROM THE WINDOW AS JOEY GRABS FOR HER -
ONLY MANAGING TO CATCH THE WIG.

                         JOEY

          Uh, oh.

JOEY RUNS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT
                                                          20.


MONICA HAS TAKEN CENTER STAGE - THE REST OF THEM ARE
LISTENING.

                       MONICA
              (STILL SOBBING)

          ...and that's how it happened.

                       RACHEL
              (TEARY EYED)

          Poor Joey.

                       ROSS

          That Joey's quite a guy.

                       CHANDLER

          Quite a guy?!

                       ROSS
              (A LITTLE TEARY EYED)

          Yeah, have you ever had a woman shave

          her head for you?

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:
                                                             21.


                             ACT ONE

E

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

CHANDLER IS STILL AMAZED AT THE COMPASSION JOEY IS RECEIVING.
ROSS IS COMFORTING RACHEL. MONICA IS STILL DRYING HER EYES.
PHOEBE JUMPS TO HER FEET.

                       PHOEBE

          Oh, oh! My turn, my turn.

                       CHANDLER

          Oh, this oughtta be good!

                       PHOEBE

          Okay, thanks. Um,... well,... Joey's

          getting ready to read a book and...

                       CHANDLER

          Excuse me... but I was the one reading

          a book...

                       PHOEBE

          Okay, whatever,... Chandler's reading

          this book see...
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT

CHANDLER IS STANDING AT THE REFRIGERATOR IN A PASTEL COLORED
LEISURE SUIT. THE ON-SCREEN CHANDLER GIVES AN IRRITATED LOOK
AND POINTS TO HIS CLOTHES.

                       CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Okay, wait a minute... no leisure

          suits!

                                                      CUT TO:

CHANDLER IS NOW DRESSED NORMALLY, STANDING AT THE
REFRIGERATOR POURING A GLASS OF MILK WHILE READING A BOOK.
                                                          22.


INSERT - COVER OF BOOK ENTITLED: "BACON AND YOU".

                          CHANDLER (V.O.)

          I hope you're referring to Kevin... or

          do I?

                          RACHEL (V.O.)

          Maybe I'd better help out.

JOEY AND THE WOMAN ENTER.

                          RACHEL (V.O.)

          Joey comes in with a mysterious woman -

          she's quiet and dark.

                          JOEY

          Hey, Chandler, hi.

                          CHANDLER

          Hi. Oh, you have a friend - nice to

          meet you.

CHANDLER APPROACHES WITH OUTSTRETCHED HAND. THE WOMAN TURNS
AWAY. JOEY IS ACTING ODDLY AS IF A HOSTAGE. HE IS FORCED INTO
HIS BEDROOM BY THIS WOMAN.

                          CHANDLER (CONT’D)
          Okay, some sort of kinky game play and

          I'm not invited.

                          RACHEL (V.O.)

          So Chandler returns to his room,

          unaware of the danger Joey is in.

INT. CHANDLER'S BEDROOM

CHANDLER IS UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH HIS GLASS.

                          JOEY (O.S.)

          What do you plan to do to me?
                                                           23.


                         BEAT)

          Torture me? Beat me?

THROUGH THE WALL, CHANDLER CAN HEAR WHAT SOUNDS LIKE SLAPS.

                         CHANDLER

          God, this is good!

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN IS PACING IN FRONT OF JOEY - WHO IS
SEATED ON THE BED. SHE SLAPS HER HAND WITH HER GLOVES.

                         JOEY

          No matter what you do, I won't tell

          you.

                          WOMAN
                 (WITH A FRENCH ACCENT)

          I would hate to hurt a cute face like

          that.

SHE GRABS HIS CHEEKS AND SQUEEZES.

                         JOEY

          Me too.

                         WOMAN
          So, give me that microfilm, and

          nothing will happen...

                         JOEY

          Microfilm?

                         CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Microfilm?

                         JOEY

          That's what I said.
                                                           24.


                          CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Have you guys been watching old movies

          again?

                          RACHEL (V.O.)

          Yeah, but he could be involved in

          something and we wouldn't know

          anything about it.

THE ON-SCREEN ACTORS - JOEY AND THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN BEGIN TO
LOSE INTEREST AND BEGIN TO LOOK BORED WAITING FOR THE SCENE
TO BEGIN AGAIN.

                          MONICA (V.O.)

          She does have a point there. I mean

          how much do we really know about Joey?

          Or Chandler for that matter?

                          CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Now wait a minute, I'm the guy trying

          to figure this whole thing out.

INT. CHANDLER'S BEDROOM

CHANDLER HAS NOW ALSO BECOME BORED AND IS BACK TO READING HIS
BOOK: "BACON AND YOU".
                          CHANDLER (V.O.)

          Could we just get on with it??

                          PHOEBE (V.O.)

          Okay.... well at this point...

          Chandler is still listening at the

          wall...

CHANDLER RELUCTANTLY PUTS DOWN HIS BOOK AND GOES BACK TO
HOLDING HIS GLASS AGAINST THE WALL.
                                                          25.


INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

THE WOMAN IS NOW HOLDING A GUN ON JOEY.

                        PHOEBE (V.O.)

          This evil woman is now pointing a gun

          at Joey...

               (BEAT)

          Suddenly, the room begins to fill with

          a bright light.

THE ROOM BECOMES ENGULFED IN A BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT. THE WOMAN
PULLS OFF HER WIG TO REVEAL A BALD HEAD.

                        WOMAN

          Joey, please come back to us. Your

          people miss you.

                        JOEY

          I can never come back. I have become

          acclimated to this planet and have

          many good and true friends like

          Phoebe.

                        WOMAN
          Okay, than this is good-bye forever.

HER BODY IS CONSUMED IN THE LIGHT AND DISAPPEARS.

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

THEY STARE AT AN EXUBERANT, SELF-ELATED PHOEBE WITH
AMAZEMENT.

                        PHOEBE

          Do I win?

                        CHANDLER

          This is not a game!
                                                      26.


                          ROSS

          If it were, I think you would have

          won.

                          MONICA

          Chandler's right, I mean the police

          will be here soon, we should have some

          idea of what happened.

                          ROSS

          By piecing together some parts of each

          story...

ROSS LOOKS AT PHOEBE AND RAISES HIS EYEBROWS.

                          ROSS (CONT’D)

          ... I think I may be able to give you

          an accurate account of the events that

          may have lead to the possible,

          although as yet unsubstantiated demise

          of some person.

                 (BEAT)
          Like the rest of you, I'm pretty sure

          Joey didn't do it. Well...

THE WHOLE GANG GIVES A SUSPICIOUS SHRUG.

                                                   CUT TO:
                                                           27.


                               ACT TWO

F

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

ROSS IS PACING IN FRONT OF THE GROUP -   WHO EAGERLY AWAIT HIS
RENDITION.

                        ROSS

          I do happen to know that Joey has been

          seeing a mysterious woman for some

          time now.

                        RACHEL

          I knew it!

                        ROSS

          But for some unknown reason he's been

          reluctant to bring her around. This

          might answer all of our questions.

               (BEAT)

          As Chandler stated earlier, he was

          getting ready to settle down with a

          book...
                        CHANDLER

          Well, at least one of you remembers

          this is my story!

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT

A COCKY CHANDLER IS AT THE REFRIGERATOR IN A SMOKING JACKET,
POURING A GLASS OF MILK WHILE READING A BOOK. HE NOW HAS A
PIPE DANGLING FROM HIS MOUTH AS WELL.
                                                             28.


INSERT - COVER OF BOOK ENTITLED: "SHAKESPEARE"

                        ROSS (V.O.)

          Not so fast mister Juan, lose the

          smoking jacket!

CHANDLER TAKES OFF THE JACKET IN A HUFF AND THROWS IT.

                        ROSS (V.O.)

          And the pipe.

CHANDLER RELUCTANTLY THROWS THE PIPE DOWN.

INSERT - COVER OF COMIC BOOK ENTITLED: "GOOBER MAN AND THE
DEMONS OF PLUTO"

                        ROSS (V.O.)

          The door begins to open... it is a

          cautious Joey, bringing home his

          secret lover.

ANGLE ON: THE DOOR OPENS AND JOEY PEEKS IN.

JOEY AND THE SECRET WOMAN ENTER. JOEY IS COVERING HER HEAD
WITH HIS RAIN COAT.

                        ROSS (V.O.)

          This secret relationship is made even
          harder by the prying eyes of a lonely

          roommate...

                        CHANDLER

          Hey, Joey!

JOEY PICKS UP SPEED AND HURRIES THE WOMAN INTO HIS BEDROOM.

                        CHANDLER (CONT’D)

          She must be a real dog!

CHANDLER RUNS TO HIS BEDROOM.
                                                             29.


INT. CHANDLER'S BEDROOM

CHANDLER GETS HIS GLASS AND GOES TO THE WALL.

                          ROSS (V.O.)

          Chandler does his glass to the wall

          thing. But has no idea of the drama

          unfolding in the very next room.

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

JOEY UNCOVERS THE WOMAN'S HEAD TO REVEAL THE SAME WOMAN BUT
EVEN MORE STUNNING THAN BEFORE. THEY BEGIN TO MAKE OUT
PASSIONATELY.

                          JOEY

          I don't think I can go on.

                          WOMAN

          Just once for old times' sake?

                          JOEY

          Old times' sake would've been on the

          bus on the way over here about three

          minutes ago...

                          WOMAN
          That long ago? Oh,... Joey...

                          JOEY

          We've got to stop.

JOEY GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. JOEY
OPENS THE WINDOW, LOOKS OUT AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

                          WOMAN (O.S.)

          I have a secret to share with you.

          There is more to me than you know.

                          JOEY

          Oh, yeah? And what's that?
                                                            30.


JOEY TURNS TO LOOK AT HER. SHE PULLS OFF HER WIG.

                       JOEY (CONT’D)
              (WITH MILD SHOCK)

          Okay, okay,... I can live with

          that....

SHE THEN BEGINS TO DISROBE.

CLOSE ON: JOEY'S FACE

HIS EYES SLOWLY MOVE FROM HER EYES TO HER BREASTS - HE
SMILES. THEY CONTINUE DOWN LOWER. HIS EYES WIDEN AS HE
SHRIEKS IN FEAR AND JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW.



                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
                                                            31.


                                ACT TWO

G

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT

THEY ALL LOOK AT ROSS.

                         CHANDLER

          Let me guess... It was a 'Madame

          Butterfly' slash 'Crying Game' thing

          going on?

                         ROSS

          Exactly.

THEY ALL MOAN: "OH BOY", "NO WAY", ETC.

                       CHANDLER
              (TO ROSS)

          You need some therapy.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

                         POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)

          Police. Open up.

                         MONICA

          Oh God...
MONICA RUNS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. TWO POLICE OFFICERS
ENTER.

                         MONICA (CONT'D.) (CONT’D)

          Come in.

                         POLICE OFFICER

          You call about a murder?

THEY ALL START TALKING AT ONCE: "THERE WAS THIS WOMAN, WELL
WE THINK IT WAS A WOMAN THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MAN", "WE
THINK SHE MAY BE A SECRET AGENT", "SHE COMMITTED SUICIDE",
"HE OBVIOUSLY PUSHED HER OUT THE WINDOW!".
                                                          32.


                       POLICE OFFICER (CONT’D)

          Okay, okay! One at a time...

THEIR COMMENTS BEGIN TO SUBSIDE, WITH PHOEBE'S COMMENT BEING
THE LAST:

                       PHOEBE

          ...and then the room filled with a

          bright light and she was transported

          to their mother ship.

                       POLICE OFFICER

          Okay, everybody empty their pockets -

          hands in the air...

               (TO HIS PARTNER)

          Geez, you never know when you're going

          to get a drug bust.

                       CHANDLER

          Wait, wait, wait... officer, we have

          not been doing drugs...

ANGLE ON: PHOEBE IS FACING THE WALL AND IS THE ONLY ONE WITH
HER HANDS STILL IN THE AIR.
                       CHANDLER (CONT’D)

          Ah,... Phoebe,.. you can put your

          hands down now.

SHE TURNS AROUND, LOWERS HER ARMS AND SMILES AND WAVES.

                       CHANDLER (CONT’D)

          I was the one who called, and ah, this

          is hard to tell you, but I believe my

          roommate may have killed his date

          earlier tonight.
                                                  33.


                          MONICA

          We're not sure he really did it, sir.

          I mean he's a nice guy...

                          ROSS

          Yes sir, he's never really killed

          anyone before, I don't think...

                          RACHEL

          Very helpful, Ross...

                          POLICE OFFICER

          Look, we're real busy, now who is the

          perpetrator?

JOEY WALKS THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR.

                          JOEY

          Hey guys!

                          ALL

          There he is,... he did it!

THEY ALL POINT TO JOEY.

                          JOEY
          Thanks a lot, you guys.

               (BEAT)

          Okay, okay, I did it! I confess!

THEY ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

                          POLICE OFFICER

          Let's go!

                          JOEY

          I get a chance to tell my story don't

          I?
                                                           34.


                       POLICE OFFICER

          Well...

HE LOOKS TO HIS PARTNER WHO SHRUGS 'WHAT THE HELL'.

                       JOEY

          Well, it was after one of my acting

          classes... I really needed someone to

          run through my lines with,... it helps

          me focus on the character, you know I

          start to act off their reactions and

          emotions.. it develops my...

                       CHANDLER
              (TO THE POLICE)

          Couldn't you just shoot him now?



                                                   DISSOLVE TO:
                                                             35.


                                 ACT TWO

H

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT

CHANDLER IS AT THE REFRIGERATOR GETTING MILK AND READING A
BOOK. HE HAS A COWBOYS AND INDIANS ROBE ON.

INSERT - BOOK COVER ENTITLED: "HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN WITH
SHAKESPEARE"

                          CHANDLER

          "Dost thou come here often?"

ANGLE ON: THE DOOR OPENS

                          JOEY (V.O.)

          I had to be very cautious with

          Chandler, I knew he would give me a

          hassle if he found out what I was

          doing.

JOEY AND HIS ODD FRIEND ENTER. SHE LOOKS STIFF AS HE HIDES
HER UNDER HIS RAINCOAT.

                          CHANDLER

          Hey, Joey.

CHANDLER FRIGHTENS JOEY.
                          JOEY

          Ah... oh, hey. Nothin' going on here.

JOEY RUNS TO HIS ROOM. CHANDLER LOOKS CONFUSED.

                          CHANDLER

          Door prize at the house of bimbos?

INT. CHANDLER'S BEDROOM

CHANDLER GOES TO THE DRAWER AND RETRIEVES HIS GLASS. HE
ASSUMES HIS FAMILIAR POSITION AGAINST THE WALL.
                                                             36.


                       JOEY (O.S.)
              (WITH PASSION)

          ... I can't go on with this! This

          isn't right! It's unfair to you!

                       WOMAN (O.S.)

          Why can't it be like it was?

                       JOEY (O.S.)

          It's over! You've got to realize that!

                       WOMAN (O.S.)

          I can't! I can't let it go!!

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

A WOMAN'S BODY GOES OUT THE WINDOW. JOEY TRIES TO GRAB FOR
HER AND ENDS UP WITH A WIG IN HIS HAND.

                       JOEY

          Uh, oh.

JOEY GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT.

                       JOEY (CONT’D)

          Not good.

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S LIVING ROOM
JOEY BOLTS FROM HIS ROOM AND RUNS PAST CHANDLER WHO LOOKS ON
WITH CONFUSION.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT.

THEY ALL STAND AROUND WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN IN TERROR.

                       JOEY

          What?!

                       CHANDLER

          I thought I knew you.
                                                           37.


                       JOEY

          I saved her hair.

HE PULLS OUT THE WIG TO GASPS.

                       JOEY (CONT’D)

          I saved her hand too. The rest didn't

          look too good.

JOEY PULLS A MANNEQUIN HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET.

                       ALL

          Oooooh!

                       JOEY (CONT'D.)

          So I guess I'll have to pay to replace

          the mannequin right? I was planning to

          return it in the morning...

THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKS AT THE HAND AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE
AND HIS PARTNER LEAVE.

THEY ALL LOOK AT CHANDLER THREATENINGLY.

                       CHANDLER

          Now wait a minute.... You all though

          something happened too...
THEY BEGIN TO CHASE HIM INTO HIS APARTMENT. HE RUNS INTO
JOEY'S ROOM AND JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW.

                                                      CUT TO:
                                                          38.


TAG

J

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM

JOEY IS ACTING OUT A SCENE WITH A NAKED MANNEQUIN. JOEY READS
BOTH PARTS BUT HIS VOICE IS DUBBED IN AS A WOMAN'S VOICE FOR
THE PARTS LABELED 'WOMAN'S VOICE'.

                          JOEY
                 (WITH PASSION)

             ... I can't go on with this! This

             isn't right! It's unfair to you!

                         WOMAN'S VOICE

             Why can't it be like it was?

                         JOEY

             It's over! You've got to realize that!

                         WOMAN'S VOICE

             I can't! I can't let it go!!

JOEY TURNS AND KNOCKS THE MANNEQUIN OUT THE WINDOW - GRABBING
THE WIG AS IT GOES.

                         JOEY

             Uh oh.
JOEY RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT.

SUDDENLY, HE IS ENGULFED BY A BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT SEEMINGLY
COMING FROM A LARGE SHIP HOVERING OVER HIS BUILDING. HE LOOKS
UP INTO THE LIGHT.

                         JOEY (CONT’D)

             Uh oh.

END OF ACT

END OF EPISODE

								
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