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					                                                                                                                                 VOL 4, NO. 23




APRIL 1, 2008                                            B R A N D E I S U N I V E R S I T Y ' S C O M M U N I S T N E W S PA P E R                                            THEHOOT.NET



Trustees vote “no confidence” Election tainted
in President Jehuda Reinharz as software fails
    BY ABRAHAM VloMEk                 protected speech.”                                                                                                          and I was about to put the finish-
                                                                                                                                   BY IGoR PEDAN
           Staff                         According         to                                                                                                     ing touches on the deal, but after
                                                                                                                                        Deity
                                      Rosenberg, “we’ve                                                                                                           this, well, now I can bring it out in
  Following last Friday’s surprise    been getting letters                                                                   For the third election in a row,     to the open, and save you all the
announcement of Chief Oper-           for not just alum-                                                                  glitches in voting software have        surprise. Be sure to vote for me!”
ating Officer Peter French retir-     ni—students       have                                                              caused the Student Union elec-             Students were stunned by the
ing in 2009, sources say that the     been calling us week                                                                tions to be rendered invalid, sourc-    news. Brian Patermostro ’21 said,
Board of Trustees issued a vote       after week. And now                                                                 es say. According to Union Secre-       “this is totally bogus. We can’t have
of no confidence in President         we’ve had our name                                                                  tary Nelson Rutruck ‘11, a flaw in      a democracy without our elections
Jehuda Reinharz on Wednesday.         out in the Globe, the                                                               the system was exploited by doz-        working properly. Didn’t we just
According to reports, the Trust-      ACLU… it gets to a                                                                  ens of voters supporting Director       pay $10,000 for new software?
ees cited low donations from the      point where we had                                                                  of Union Affairs Jason Grey ‘10,        Man, LTS is a joke.” UTC coordi-
2008 fiscal year due to recent con-   to ask ourselves, ‘is                                                               causing up to 100 falsified votes.      nator Jon Morrow ’09 added, “it’s
troversies on campus.                 this guy really making                                                                 “We honestly aren’t quite sure       a little hard to believe this would
  “We have no choice but to           the right decisions? Is                                                             how this happened,” Rutruck said.       happen not just once, but three
vote against,” said Chairman Carl     he really appointing                                                                “We took every possible precau-         times? This is why people are apa-
Rosenberg. “We’ve gotten noth-        the right people to do                                                              tion, and this, unfortunately, hap-     thetic about elections.”
ing but bad press under the Re-       uphold the values of                         PHOTO BY Abraham Vlodek/The Hoot       pened to pass through. We’re               Meanwhile, the other two candi-
inharzes… we need to start fresh,     Justice Brandeis?’”     REINHARZ: Bill Clinton a step ahead of J-Dawg.              working with LTS to try to make         dates—Daniel Baron ’09 and Frank
and we can’t do that with him.”          Reinharz chose not
                                                                          or due process, he’d conveniently               sure this doesn’t happen again.”        “The Tank” Golub ’13—called for
  Rosenberg alluded to several        to comment on the                                                                      USBC chair Erica Lanarre said        an entirely new set of elections, ar-
incidents on campus which pro-        Board’s decision, but did con- forget about it.” Union mem-                         she could not comment on the            guing that their comparatively low
voked national media coverage,        firm that he would finish out the ber Troy Reschfield ’09 replied,                  identities of the 12 students who       vote counts were due to the pro-
including the removal of the          remainder of the year. Sources “President—or should I say, for-                     had biased the election, but assured    gram’s flaws. “This is a completely
Voices of Palestine art exhibit,      from within his office said they mer president—Reinharz couldn’t                    The Hoot they would be dealt with.      biased election, and I for one think
the debate regarding last January’s   believed he would not seek the make a good decision to save his                     Currently the 12 are suspended,         we need change from a real go-get-
speech by President Jimmy Carter,     presidency of another university.   life.”
                                                                             Others were not as enthusiastic.             and their cases will be reviewed in     ter, who’s going places, as Keenyn
as well as the placing of a moni-        “I think he just wants to take
                                                                          The founder of the Group for                    August.                                 McFarlane once told me,” said Bar-
tor in the classroom of Professor     a break,” said one source who                                                          The candidates, meanwhile, ex-       on. “I know I’m the best president
Donald Hindley.                       wished not to be identified. “The Reforming Undergraduate Media                     pressed heated emotions following       for you, not just because I’ve done
  When Harvey Silverglate of the      Trustees were brutal with him.”     Publications Using Sensational-
                                                                                                                          this revelation. Grey was quick to      two internships in Washington, but
civil liberties group Foundation         Student reaction proved posi- ism, Jonathon Kent ’11, said, “it                  distance himself from the dozen.        because I know how people are on
of Individual Rights in Education     tive for the Trustee’s decision. doesn’t matter if President Re-                    “I don’t really know who they           the day-to-day level—I’m in a mu-
spoke on campus in March, he de-      “Maybe now I can be proud of inharz broke any rules in Rights                       are,” Grey said. “One of them           sical,” he laughed.
clared freedom of speech “dead”       my school,” said Ben Serby ’11. and Responsibilities… so long                       just kept Facebooking me. It was           Golub had little to add, saying, “I
on the Brandeis campus, adding,       “Jehuda was the like the Presi- as he did the right thing, some-                    a little weird—looking back on it, I    think I can speak for all of us when
“I assume Justice Brandeis flipped    dent Bush of Brandeis—if it had times these rights are meant to be                  probably should have realized that      we say that I’m the true representa-
in his grave… [this is] 100 percent   anything to do with civil liberties                  See ClINToN p. 19              something just wasn’t right.”           tive of the Brandeis campus. This
                                                                                                                             Justin Kang, Grey’s close com-

Ridgewood construction delayed
                                                                                                                                                                  election—it’s all about me! Why
                                                                                                                          petitor, called for new elections. “I   have a president when you can
                                                                                                                          have a contact with some new soft-      have a tank? I have a tank. Would
                                                                                                                          ware people,” Kang said. “I’ve been     you like to eat a lead paint chip? I
      BY CHooN Woo HA
                                                                                                                          cultivating it for a few months now,    have extra.”
          Money Maker

  Mark Collins announced on                                                                                               University considers
Wednesday that due to financial
and time constraints, the expected
completion of the Ridgewood
                                                                                                                          Zipguns program
Residence Halls will have to be                                                                                                BY CHARlToN HESToN                 lot of concern over campus safe-
delayed for another year.                                                                                                             Moses                       ty. Students feel afraid and out of
  Collins stated, “The first con-                                                                                                                                 control after what happened at
cern arose when we had to move                                                                                               In light of a semester’s worth of    other colleges. Zipguns is a great
our construction times later due                                                                                          concern and discussion regarding        way to mitigate that concern.”
to the noise complaints from the                                                                                          the arming of public safety offi-          Director of Public Safety Ed
nearby Ziv and Village Quads.                                                                                             cers, Class of 2008 senator Asher       Callahan agreed. “Students can
Then when Mr. Shapiro with-                                                                                               Tanenbaum has begun efforts to          feel more comfortable with the
drew his funding, I knew that the                                                  PHOTO BY Napoleon Bonaparte/The Hoot
                                                                                                                          bring the gun sharing progam, Zip-      presence of armed police officers
Spring 2009 expected completion       PIMP MY QUAD: Neo-Ridgewoood to get blinged-up kitchens.                            gun, to Brandeis.                       if they themselves have access to
date was impossible.”                                                                                                        Zipgun would allow students to       guns.”
                                      Residence Life, stated, “I know         next year, that I’m sure there will
  Shapiro withdrew his funding                                                                                            rent a handgun for a few hours or          Furthermore he added, “after
                                      that a lot of students are going to     be enough empty rooms for the
from the Ridgewood project to in-                                                                                         an entire day. Use of a Zipgun re-      students experience carrying a
                                      be outraged at this, but we’ll just     students. As for Fall 2009, we are
stead focus Brandeis’ attention on                                                                                        quires a valid state ID or driver’s     weapon, they will have a better un-
                                      have to do our best with what we        considering the option of making
constructing a new Admissions                                                                                             license along with a shooting cer-      derstanding of the experience of a
                                      have.” He went on to describe the       Pomerantz into an upperclass-
building.                                                                                                                 tificate. Insurance and bullets are     public safety officer. They will be
                                      situation as being a good leaning       man option by creating unnatural
  Dan Feldman, the Vice Presi-                                                                                            covered by Zipgun through mem-          less fearful.”
                                      experience for students as living       triples.”
dent of Capital Projects, said                                                                                            bership fees. While the program            While against the initial deci-
                                      situations are not always easy “in         Emma Reynolds ‘11 said, “I
that although he felt badly about                                                                                         would be run through the univer-        sion to arm public safety officers,
                                      the real world.”                        don’t really understand why we
the delay in housing for upper-                                                                                           sity, students would have to create     SODA member Ben Serby ’10 sup-
                                         DeCapua added that Brandeis          need a new Admissions building,
classmen, he felt that one more                                                                                           their own individual accounts with      ported the idea of Zipgus. “Guns
                                      will do fine with the lack of Ridge-    I mean, the one we have now is
year was not too much to ask of                                                                                           Zipgun.                                 can create a very sharp delineation
                                      wood. “We have so many people           perfectly fine.”
them.                                                                                                                        Of the program’s importance
                                      going abroad second semester                                                                                                                See ZIPGUNS p. 20
  Rich DeCapua, the Director of                                                                                           Tanenbaum said, “there’s been a


 INSIDE-OUT:
                                                LIES! ALL LIES!                                 PG 2.5 BADASS DEBATE                                 PG 12         THE WEAKEND                 PG 16
                                                YOUR MOM                                        PG 65 JEWISH ATHLETES                                PG 15         SPRUNGFAST                  PG 16
*2      The Hoot                                                                                                                                                                                        April 1, 2008


                                                                                                   EDITORIAL
                                    Party like it’s 1999
                                                                                                     Letters to the Editor:
                             "To acquire booty, one must dance."
                                                                                                      Dear the Brandeis community,        ger every single computer around       shouldn’t be a problem.
                            Sri-Lanka CleanLens Chief in Editor
                            Leancat Fishwoman Editor in Chief                                                                             campus into the way it was in            Music played during your Bar
     Son of Conan Barbarian Editor                     Been Rugbass Racksage Editor                    Because we have successfully       1997, the year of Third Eye Blind.     Mitzvah will be a first priority for
 Turretts MatthFUCK All around good guy            Napoleon Bonaparte French Editor                 brought all kinds of nostalgic acts   Instead of an email account, stu-      each concert here on out. But it’ll
     Ball Sacks Sexual Features Editor               Ran Yell The Worst Slopy Editor
  Crassy Call a Ham Eat Fixtures Editor                Anne Drew Liars Taser Editor                 from the 1990s, such as Third Eye     dents will be required to check        be even better since you won’t be
  Doorjam Mothman Cash Moneh Editor              Clear as a Starch En Medias Reis Editor            Blind, Naughty By Nature, and the     their mailboxes thirty times a day.    forced to dance awkwardly with
             Max a Thousand Shame Shame Shame Most Important Person                                 Presidents of the United States       In these boxes will be Students        your cousin! All students will
                                     Senior Geriatrics
                      Gay Video Dextrose, Rick Taro Phalus                                          of America, we are promising to       Events Fliers, Students Union          be issued a copy of the Titanic
                              FOUNDED By                                                            continue this trend throughout        Announcements, weekly readings         soundtrack, as well as Will Smith’s
                Les Tarzan, Eye Gore and Tan Eel Silver Surfer                                      all of our operations next year.      for classes, condoms, friend re-       Big Willie Style.
                                                                                                    Since Third Eye Blind sold out        quests, and announcements per-           Why do all of this, you ask? Be-



       Shades of
                                                                                                    and proved to be so popular, we       taining to your “lost” credit card     cause as the musically gifted group
                                                                                                    are listening to what yOU the stu-    from various banks on the east         the Backstreet Boys so eloquently
                                                                                                    dents want.                           coast. Brandeis students will be       put it, you “want it that way”.
                                                                                                       And that is more 90s nostalgia.    given nanos and pogs to play with        And lastly, since we are going
                                                                                                       The first order of business will   in between classes. Facebook will      back to the 90’s, your newspaper



      “Steel” Gray
                                                                                                    be to get various cast members        be banned, and all computers will      will be dissolved. Say “Bye, Bye,
                                                                                                    of the hit family sitcom, “Family     run via dialup modem.                  Bye” Hoot editors!
                                                                                                    Matters”, to come speak on our          Finally, all mp3 players and iP-
                                                                                                    wonderful campus. Urkel is quite      ods will be thrown away and re-          Like, so totally, all that and a bag
                                                                                                    the crowd pleaser, while cop dad-     placed with CD players in order        of chips, heart and word to your
                                                                                                    dy Reginald VelJohnson would be       to better fit with the times. As       mother,
  Though the underdog in this week’s Student Union                                                  a wonderful orator.                   we are now currently working             Student Events
elections, Jason Gray ’10 displayed an admirable amount                                                Secondly, we will try and rejig-   hand in hand with the admin, this
of resourcefulness and adaptability, going on to best
Union fan favorite Frank the Tank Golub. While Golub
has been blessed since birth with a name that lends itself                                         THE BRANDEIS CONSPIRACY
to military metaphors, Gray had no such luck. However,
Gray adapted quickly upon finding that Golub’s primary
campaign strategy was to make his name synonymous
with death and destruction.
  Although initially awed by Golub’s political prowess,
Gray redeemed himself quickly, renaming himself Jason
“Steel” Gray and running with a campaign slogan “tanks
are made of steel,” reflecting his creepy omniscience.
Students should take “Steel” Gray’s resourcefulness,
which he was endowed with as a wee man-child by Zeus
and Chuck Norris, as a sign of the things to expect from
his presidency. His newfound name reflects a quality that
is found only in the best of leaders, called by the French
fromage blanc rond, which we at the Hoot will hereafter
refer to as “ass-kickery.”
  Gray’s campaign, in conjunction with the decision to
arm the campus guards and the possible introduction of
rentable Zipguns, marks the beginning of a new mili-
tary regime at Brandeis. Although the University claims
a history of “social justice” and was a hotbed of activ-
ism against the Vietnam War back in the day, this new
regime will finally help the University distance itself from
its “dirty hippie” legacy. Interestingly, the inception of
this regime coincides with Bronstein 2008, an event in-
spired by an LSD bacchanalias students engaged in on
Bronstein-Marcuse Day in the 1960s.
  While Gray wishes to replace Brandeis’ image of ac-
tivism with one of military tyranny, he does understand
the value of tradition. Drawing on Brandeis’ drug culture
history, he plans to collaborate with Aramark, to serve
students their food in capsule, brainwashing sedative cap-
sule that is, form.                                                                                         BY G. FEllMAN                 ceeded in assassinating Alex the       trip to Palestine? Dear Lord, we’ve
                                                                                                               The Man                    Parrot, whose comprehension of         never seen Kang and Kevin Mont-
  We believe students should embrace this ass-kicking
                                                                                                                                          zero was too dangerous for man-        gomery in the same room! Kang
campus as well as its new Commander, Jason “Steel”                                                    Jerry Cohen’s sabbatical was just
                                                                                                                                          kind. Indeed, stem cells were used     = Kevin = Carter – Jimmy Carter
Gray. In addition, we propose that the University take                                             the beginning of a domino effect
                                                                                                                                          from the bird to create clones of      goes to school with us?! WHERE
                                                                                                   that continues to engulf Brandeis!
further steps to have the campus emulate our fearless                                              Little did we know that this sab-
                                                                                                                                          Jordan Rothman… we must keep           IS CHOON WOO HA IN ALL
                                                                                                                                          tabs—he is everywhere. Jehuda Re-      THIS—an alias? Or a real human
leader, converting the incongruous mix of copper, brick                                            batical was just a pretext to send
                                                                                                                                          inharz, Hindley’s second shooter,      being, tossed to the winds like so
and cement buildings to a steel campus, which as Gray                                              us surreptitious journals in an ef-
                                                                                                                                          meanwhile toils fiercely on bring-     much garbage following Kang—can
has already shown us is a winning formula.                                                         fort to warn us! The man teach-
                                                                                                                                          ing guns to the campus, because        we still call him Kang?—infiltration
                                                                                                   ing now is not actually Cohen, but
                                                                                                                                          he realized that Ollie the Owl’s       of Brandeis. Crafty… Does Kang
                                                                                                   an impersonator—the real deal is
   SUBMISSION POLICIES                            address and include contact information                                                 only weakness is lead. President       have anything to do with the theft
                                                                                                   in witness protection for what he
                                                  for the author. Letters of length greater than                                          Shreeya Sinha and Secretary Mi-        of the Hoot logo by Ollie’s Eatery?
    The Hoot welcomes letters to the editor on    500 words may not be accepted.                   learned about the Donald Hindley
 subjects that are of interest to the general        The opinions, columns, cartoons and                                                  chael Goldman tried to fend off        If you look at the menu and squint
                                                                                                   case: he was actually brought up on
 community. Preference is given to current        advertisements printed in The Hoot do not                                               Jehuda’s plans to wipe himself with    while bending it at a 45-degree angle
 or former community members. The Hoot            necessarily represent the opinions of the        charges and executed! But not for
 reserves the right to edit any submissions
                                                                                                                                          the Bill of Rights, but soon fell in   you can see plans for the Delorean
                                                  editorial board.                                 the reasons Marty Krauss brought
 for libel, grammar, punctuation, spelling and       The Hoot is a community student news-                                                love and made babiez. They then        Time Machine! That’s it—we’ve got
 clarity. The Hoot is under no obligation to      paper of Brandeis University. Produced           up—Donald Hindley was in fact in
                                                                                                                                          broke up messily. Finkelstein and      to go back to 1985, and stop this in-
 print any of the pieces submitted. Letters       entirely by students, The Hoot serves a read-    Dallas in 1963, when he shot John
 in print will also appear on-line at www.        ership of 6,000 with in-depth news, relevant                                            Dershowitz masks have been found       filtration before it starts!!!! Then we
                                                                                                   F. Kennedy, who founded Grav-
 thehoot.net.                                     commentary, sports and coverage of cultural                                             on campus – oh dear God I kissed       can save Jerry Cohen from his un-
    The deadline for submitting letters is        events. Our mission is to give every com-        ity Magazine! Insanity! The plot,
 Tuesday at 8:00 p.m. All letters must be         munity member a voice.                                                                  a man!!! And how does this connect     known fate… must research more.
                                                                                                   staged by the Stonemasons, reached
 submitted electronically to editor@thehoot.         E-mail: editor@thehoot.net                                                           with Justin Kang’s attempted take-     Much more. What must be true if,
 net. All letters must be from a valid email                                                       its pinnacle when they finally suc-
                                                                                                                                          over of the Union, following his       man… what must be true if???
 April 1, 2008                                                                                                                                                                     The Hoot * 19

Fighting with Pinpricks                                                                                                Sexiled

       Prolapse in judgment Sexploits of the
                            Student Union
         BY JoN lANGE                  of the behavior of the people        raginylglutaminylphenylalanylglu-
            Communist                  of       Taumatawhakatangihanga-     taminylthreonylglutaminylglutaminy
                                       koauauotamateaturipukakapiki-        lalanylarginylthreonylthreonylglu-
   Although we have surely all had     maungahoronukupokaiwhenu-            taminylvalylglutaminylglutaminyl-
our fill of election related articles, akitanatahu, whose usage of          phenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyltry
there are some issues regarding the    pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism       ptophyllysylprolynyrosyllysylvalyl-            BY MICHAEl GolDMAN                  night.
Democrats that I must admit I feel     is, in a sense, Lopadotemachose-     tyrosylarginyltyros.                                Public Enemy                     Ms. Sinha—it was so, so wrong.
are     electroencephalographically    lachogameokranioleipsanodrim-           ylasparaginylalanylvalyl-                                                       But I didn’t want to be right.Where
antitransubstantiationalist incom-     hypotrimmatosilphiokaraomeli-        leucylaspar tylprolylleucyliso-               I hear strange panting coming        was I? Oh, yes. The grunting out-
prehensibilities hippopot-                                                           leucylthreonylalanylleuc-         from the Union Office. Jason Gray       side the Union office. Make no
omonstrosesquipedalian                                                               ylleucylglycylthreonylp           and Ms. Sinha are having a victory      mistake, no matter how much the
to     antidisestablishmen- glutaminylasparaginylthreonylphenyl- henylalanylaspartylthreo-                             shag after his triumphant cam-          Student Union hurts me, I will al-
tarianism in pneumonoul-                                                                                               paign. I fume as I sit behind the
tramicroscopicsilicovol-
                                alanylglutamylserylmethionylserylgly- nylarginylasparaginylargi-                       card-access door: that could have
                                                                                                                                                               ways come back for more. They
                                                                                     nylisoleucylisoleucylgluta-                                               can never make me leave—I’ll stay
canoconiosis and insofar cylleucylvalyltryptophylthreonylsery- mylvalylglutamylasparagin                               been me in there. Me. The Gold          there for as long as I live. Even
being honorificabilitudi- lalanylprolylalanylserine in relation to ylglutaminylglutaminyls-                            Standard.                               when Ms. Sinha dies and disin-
nitatibus      hepaticochol-                                                         erylprolylthr.                       Let me enhance your read-            tegrates into dust, I’m still gonna
angiocholecystenterosto- the Democratic Party, at least not in                          eonylthreonylalanylglu-        ing pleasure by telling you of my       be there. Oh, yeah. And then I’m
mies, a fact I discovered its most recognizable form.                                tamylthreonylleucylaspar-         sexploits. Steamy tales of inter-       gonna smoke her ashes.
when traveling through                                                               tylalanylthreonylarginyl-         Union lust that’s just too hot for        Can you imagine the beauti-
Gorsafawddachaidraigo-                                                               arginylvalylanylvalylalanyliso-   BTV. Bring your wide-shot lenses,       ful, beautiful, politically confused
danheddogleddolonpen-                                                                leucylarginylserylalanylas-       Union Judiciary – ‘cuz this epic tri-   babies we could have had??? I’m
rhynareurdraethceredi-                 tokatakechymenokichlepikossyp paraginylisoleucylasparaginylleucylvalylas-       al is gonna                                                       sure there’s
gion, which, interestingly enough, hophattoperisteralektryonoptekeph- paraginylglutamylleucylvalylargi-                go all night                                                      a few little
is geopolitically similar to another alliokinklopeleiolagoiosiraioba- nylglycylthreonylglycylleucyltyrosyl-            long.          Let me tell you about                              Goldmans
destination of mine, Llanfairp- phetraganopterygon to the point asparaginylglutaminylaspanylglu-                          So, the                                                        running
wllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob- where it would be absolutely in- tamylserylmethionylserylglycylleu
wllllantysiliogogogoch, a typically conceivable that we would ever cylvalyltryptophylthreonylserylala-
                                                                                                                       real reason
                                                                                                                       why I was
                                                                                                                                      the time where Jason                               around,
                                                                                                                                                                                         calling to
antidisestablishmentarianismist see
floccinaucinihilipilification
                                                acetylseryltyrosylseryliso- nylprolylalanylserine in relation to
                                   of leucylthreonylserylprolylserylgluta- the Democratic Party, at least not
                                                                                                                       brought be-
                                                                                                                       fore the UJ?
                                                                                                                                      Gray and I… well…                                  their     big
                                                                                                                                                                                         conser va-
disproportionableness, however minylphenylalanylvalylphenylalanylleucy in its most recognizable form.
wholly unrelated to the issues be- lserylserylvalyltryptophylalanylas-         That being said, don’t you even
                                                                                                                       Ms. Sinha
                                                                                                                       wanted her-
                                                                                                                                      he showed me his                                   tive daddy
                                                                                                                                                                                         like turtle
ing hurled around in a tetrameth- partylprolylisoleucylglutamylleuc- think about voting for Old Man
yldiaminobenzhydr ylphosphi- ylleucylasparaginylvalylcysteinyl- McCain.
                                                                                                                       self a new
                                                                                                                       Republi-
                                                                                                                                      Bill of Student                                    hatchlings
                                                                                                                                                                                         crawling
nous-like manner similar to that threonylserylserylleucylglycylaspa-                                                   can stud.
                                                                                                                       She wanted     Rights. Oh, man, it                                around the
                                                                                                                                                                                         beach. But


Union hosts birthday                                                                                                                  was enormous.
                                                                                                                       Brooksie: I                                                       all    that’s
                                                                                                                       told her that                                                     later. Let
                                                                                                                       he was My                                                         me        tell
                                                                                                                       Brooksie,                                                         you about


 party for Trinidad
                                                                                                                       and no one                                                        the     time
                                                                                                                       was going to                            where Jason Gray and I… well…
                                                                                                                       eat the cookie crumbles off his bed     he showed me his Bill of Student
                                                                                                                       but me. She wanted Asher Tanen-         Rights. Oh, man, it was enormous.
                                                                                                                       baum: I said, “No dice, sweetie—
Tobago not invited, Israel still jealous
                                                                                                                                                               Something like 25 amendments.
                                                                                                                       he’s a registered Democrat. And I       Oh, my skin shudders just thinking
                                                                                                                       got a no-strings-attached-Saturday-     about it.
                                                                                                                       nights-of-Barry-Manilow-played-           So next time your Student Union
        BY PETER FRENCH
           Francophile                                                                                                 against-footage-of-Jon-McCain           representative goes to shake your
                                                                                                                       arrangement with him.” Oh, the          hand, kiddies, just think about it
  In a surprising turn of                                                                                              nights we had. Our idea of fore-        for a second. you might not know
                                                                                                                       play was writing new resolutions        where that hand has been—but I
events, the Student Union
                                                                                                                       for country’s birthdays. Zimbabwe,      do. And you voted for him.
Senate decided to host a                                                                                               let me tell you—that was a special
birthday party for the carib-
bean country of Trinidad
and Tobago, on Tuesday.                                                                                                Clinton to replace
                                                                                                                       President Reinharz
This comes two weeks after
the Senate’s decision not to
wish Israel a happy sixtieth
birthday.                                                                                                                                                       tion, he said, “a culture of cor-
  According to Asher Tanen-                                                                                             ClINToN (from p. 1)                     ruption isn’t made by just one
                                                                                                                        broken.” Provost Marty Krauss,          person. If we find any admin-
baum ‘08, who was charged
                                                                                                                        who had worked with Reinharz            istrator—no matter how high
with buying the pinata for                                                                                              for over a decade, declined to          up—who has been violating the
the party, the plot thickened                                                                                           comment, but was overheard in           very rules they have created, we
when Tobago attempted to                                                                                                her office telling Assistant Dean       will be speaking with them.”
invite close friend Israel to                                                                                           Richard Silberman, “we need to             Meanwhile, regarding the next
                                                                                                                        clean up this thing with Hind-          president of Brandeis, Rosen-
the party.
                                                                                                                        ley… we can’t let Rosenberg do          berg announced that former
  “Israel was feeling a little                                                                                          what they did to Jehuda.”               President Bill Clinton would take
down-in-the-dumps,” said                                                                                                  Hindley, meanwhile applauded          his place.
Tanenbaum, “and Tobago                                                                                                  the Trustees’ decision. “Oh, you           “He’s charming, and he’s full
just wanted to help.”                                                                                                   have no idea how relieved I am          of social activism,” said Rosen-
                                       When the Senate caught                  day is all about me...plus...I
                                                                                                                        to hear this,” said the long-time       berg, “and his status amongst
  Quoting Tobago, “I just              wind of the plan however,               didn’t want to share any of              professor. “Those Reinharzes            the world community would
thought it would be a good             they immediately un-invited             my cake.”                                were nothing but the meanest,           make Brandeis University into
thing for the Senate and Is-           Tobago from the party.                    When questioned, Israel’s              most personalist sons-of-bitches        something that has been lacking
rael to have a little ‘sit-down’         “I thought it was a little            only response was “I hate pi-            I’ve ever met. I can’t say I’m too      for far too long—a hard-hitting
over cake and ice cream. you                                                                                            sorry for having outlasted the          institution.”
                                       harsh,” said Trinidad, “but,            natas anyway.”
                                                                                                                        Brandeis Royal Couple. Viva Za-            President Clinton, in a state-
know, in a casual setting.”            as we all know, this birth-                                                      pata!”                                  ment to The Hoot, said he was
                                                                                                                          Rosenberg added that the              excited about his new position.
                                                                                                                        Trustees would be reviewing the         “I’m into Jews,” said Clinton.
  This is an official disclaimer. The outside pages of this issue are                                                   actions of other administrators         “I’m really looking forward to
  part of our April Fool’s Day celebration. None of the content on                                                      as well. While he would not go          coming here.”
       the pages with *s next to the page numbers is not true.                                                          into detail about this investiga-
 *20     The Hoot                                                                                                                                                        April 1, 2008


                                                               WEEKEND FUN
Spotlight on Boston                                                     News article attacked
The Future                                                              by pull quote
Now
Here                                                                                                               BY FRANk THE TANk GolUB
                                                                                                                      Voted for Jason Gray ‘10
                                                                                                                                                     COMB!! WILL THE MADNESS
                                                                                                                                                     NEVER END?? OH THE HU-
  Have you ever wanted to talk to people in China?                                                                                                   MANITy!!! IT'S LIKE A HUGE
                                                                                                                     Sources earlier today reported MONSTER WITH AN AX AND
Did you ever think you could do it from a device                                                                  that they had received rumors of A TOMMy GUN. IT DOESN'T
in the palm of your hand? Could you ever imagine                                                                  an attack on The Hoot. A transmis- EVEN MAKE ANy SENSE!!!
receiving first hand images of events around the world instantaneously? If not, you                               sion was intercepted                              OH, OH NO
                                                                                                                  between Adobe In-
should attend The Future! It's going on right now, and everywhere around you!                                     Design and Adobe
                                                                                                                                                                    THE SECOND
Free for students.                                                                                                                                                  COLUMN HAS
                                                                                                                  Illustrator describ-    "IT DOESN'T               FALLEN. THE

Culturally Significant Event
                                                                                                                  ing the attack to                                 SECOND COL-
                                                                                                                  be unexpected and       EVEN MAKE                 UMN           HAS
                                                                                                                  improbable. It was                                FALLEN!!! ACK.
Some time that doesn't fit into your schedule                                                                     later found that        ANY SENSE!!!"             UG.        OUCH.
A remote location that would require too much effort to get to                                                    OH GOD IT'S
                                                                                                                                                     - Article      BLAM! I'm dy-
                                                                                                                  HERE. THE PULL                                    ing! Everything is
                             This event was put on the back page because it has something                         QUOTE!           OH                               getting inky... and
                           to do with culture, and it probably will only interest three of                        NOES! IT'S EAT-                                   dark... I can bare-
                                                                                                                  ING ME. IT'S EATING ME!!!! ly be legible at this point... tell... the
                           the ten people who read the back page. But they won't end up                           AAAAAAAA!! OH THE AGO- jump page... I won't make it...
                           going to the event and it's purpose is just to take up space on                        Ny! SWEET MOTHER'S DOG
                           here.

What's going on at Brandeis?                                                                                      Students to receive
Modless you Wear Dance                                                                                            reimbursements
Febterday, March 69, 8002, 10 b.c. to 11 a.d.
Mods                                                                                                               REIMBURSEMENTS (from p. - 2)
                                                                                                                                                      Krauss also explained the
  The administration, in an attempt to look "cool" and                                                                                              origin of the program, which
                                                                                                                      These broad standards of
                                                                                                                                                    began at New york Univer-
"hip" has brought back the most amazing Brandeis events that were put into exile                                   eligibility make all students
                                                                                                                                                    sity in 2004 and was among
due to... well no one really knows why they ruined all our fun. But it's back now!                                 who have completed a full
                                                                                                                                                    the policy recommendations
Basically, show up naked in the Mods, and we'll shower you in beer, and it'll be great                             semester at Brandeis eligible
                                                                                                                                                    made by a New England As-
until the BranPo show up. 21+ (but you can pretend, we'll be using a dry erase marker                              to apply for the reimburse-
                                                                                                                                                    sociation for Schools and
to put an X on your hand which is easily removed).                                                                 ment program.
                                                                                                                                                    Colleges evaluation team that
                                                                                                                      Students may receive a tax-
                                                                                                                                                    visited the campus in No-
Generic Protest                                                                                                    exempt amount ranging any-
                                                                                                                   where
                                                                                                                                                                           vember
                                                                                                                                                                           2006
Sunday, April 6, 2008, 1 p.m. to 6 p.m.                                                                            between
                                                                                                                   five hun- [E]ducation is not just
                                                                                                                                                                             T h e
Great Lawn
                                                                                                                                                                           reim-
  Angry about life? Do you feel like no one is listening                                                           dred and about business and profit,
                                                                                                                                                                           burse-
to you? Well, participate in this futile attempt to have                                                           seven
                                                                                                                   t h o u - but about making knowl-
                                                                                                                                                                           m e n t
your voice heard! Preach to the choir with everyone else and create delusions of                                                                                           p r o -
actual progress of any kind in solving serious issues. It's about time to get rid of                               sand dol- edge affordable for every-
                                                                                                                                                                           g r a m
that guilt from living in a privileged situation!                                                                  lars. The
                                                                                                                   a m o u n t one, whether you’re from
                                                                                                                                                                           comes
                                                                                                                                                                           on the
                                                                                                                   will be the inner city or from a
The Hoot Back Page Publishes                                                                                       deter-
                                                                                                                                                                           heels
                                                                                                                   m i n e d middle-class suburb.
                                                                                                                                                                           of news
                                 Friday, April 4, 2008, Around noon                                                based
                                                                                                                                                                           of Har-
                                 Shapiro Campus Center and other locations                                         on the                     -- Provost Marty Krauss v a r d
                                                                                                                                                                           and yale
                            Do you want to know what is happening this weekend?                                    student’s
                                                                                                                                                                           imple-
                          Are you bored and want to look at colorful pictures?                                     personal
                                                                                                                                                                           ment-
                          Or do you just need to chuckle at someone's attempt at                                   income
                                                                                                                                                    ing need-based financial aid
                          comical humor? Pick up a copy of this week's Hoot from                                   and assets, as well as those
                                                                                                                                                    that broadens the range of
                                                                                                                   of his or her family and his
any Hoot Deposit Locations (HDLs) and check out the most amazing written work                                                                       annual income required for
                                                                                                                   or her current financial aid
you will ever read. Ever. Write your thesis on it, we're that amazing!                                                                              eligibility.
                                                                                                                   package.
                                                                                                                                                      Of the program, Carl Sha-

Public Safety, Senate push
                                                                                                                      However in order to count
                                                                                                                                                    piro ’10 said “I think it’s great
                                                                                                                   these reimbursements as a
                                                                                                                                                    that the University is finally
                                                                                                                   tax deduction, the University
                                                                                                                                                    doing something to allevi-

for Zipguns on campus
                                                                                                                   is requiring that all students
                                                                                                                                                    ate the financial pressure on
                                                                                                                   submit the necessary paper-
                                                                                                                                                    current students, rather than
                                                                                                                   work by April 10.
                                                                                                                                                    focusing solely on the image
                                                                                                                      Provost Marty Krauss said
ZIPGUNS (from p. 1)                    Callahan explained that if Zip-    my own gun over the summer if                                             the University conveys to
                                     gun is implemented, “we’d start      we’d had Zipgun.”                        that the reimbursement pro-
between the powerful and the pow-                                                                                                                   prospective freshman.”
                                     conservatively” with two guns.” He      “It seems like a good idea but I      gram was an effort on the
erless,” he commented, “allowing                                                                                                                      Shapiro added, “It’s good
                                     added that if there is greater de-   don’t feel like students would use it    part of the University to
students access to weapons softens   mand, more guns can be bought.       that much,” Sabine Lave ’09 said.                                         to know that the University is
that distinction.”                                                                                                 show that “education is not
                                       “The success of Zipgun in many        “I don’t think it’s a bad idea,”                                       taking a proactive approach
  He added, “SODA members                                                                                          just about business and prof-
                                     other organizations makes me feel    said Jack Boudreau ’09. He added,                                         to improving the student ex-
have been concerned about armed      confident that we can make some-     “I don’t know how much we need           it, but about making knowl-
police creating a culture of fear                                                                                                                   perience at Brandeis, rather
                                     thing work,” said Callahan.          it. If you yourself don’t have a gun     edge affordable for every-
and intimidation on campus but                                                                                                                      than on relying on wealthy
                                       Student response has been          you probably know someone with           one, whether you’re from the
with Zipguns, students and police    mixed. Eliza Dolittle ’10 com-       a gun.”                                                                   donors to identify where
can create that culture together.”                                                                                 inner city or from a middle-
                                     mented, “I wouldn’t have bought                                                                                funds are needed.”
                                                                                                                   class suburb.”

				
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