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									24                                                                       THE RICE THRESHER         BACKPAGE             FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2007




                Thresher                                                                                                             Mentally challenged student
   The Rice Thresher
fired a scapegoat
                                                                                                                                     unable to comprehend irony
today in response
                                                                                                                                         Researchers in the Texas                    Sander’s disease even gave
to complaints about
                                                                                                                                     Medical Center released a study             him troubles in his classroom.
Executive Editor
                                                                                                                                     today reporting the discovery                   “I remember when we had
Evan Mintz. Editor
                                                                                                                                     of a new mental disorder — the              to read A Modest Proposal,” his
in Chief Stephen
                                                                                                                                     inability to comprehend irony,              classmate said. “He wouldn’t
Whitfield made the
                                                                                                                                     satire, and other forms of dry              shut up about how it was wrong
announcement at
                                                                                                                                     wit. The only victim of the dis-            for Jonathan Swift to ‘write a
a press conference
                                                                                                                                     order so far is a Rice University           silly’ because ‘it demonstrated
before Thresher
                                                                                                                                     student.                                    a lack of respect for the ideas of
reporters.
                                                                                                                                         Sanders, as he is known, was            others and tarnished the Irish
   The goat, which
                                                                                                                                     turned over to hospital authori-            reputation.’”
had been Mintz’s su-
                                                                                                                                     ties by his family with hopes of
perior, was accused
                                                                                                                                     finding a cure.
by Whitfield of lying
down on the job, not                                                                                                                     Doctors compare the                      Doctors hope that one
                                                                                                                                     disorder to Asperger’s syndrome,
fulfilling his duties
                                                                                                                                     except it is limited purely to the
                                                                                                                                                                                   day Sanders will be
of overseeing Mintz,
                         Thresher Editor in Chief Stephen Whitfield fired a goat in response to complaints about
and also eating a tin Executive Editor Evan Mintz. The goat was accused of not fulfilling its duties as Mintz’s                       inability to recognize when                  able to appreciate the
                                                                                                                                     words express something other
can.                     superior and also eating a tin can.                                                                         than their literal intention.
                                                                                                                                                                                  humor of Flight of the
   “I delegate respon-
sibility here at the                      Students have expressed has to face the consequences.”
                                                                                                                                         “He was just sitting in the com-           Concords, Sarah
                                                                                                                                     mons, ranting about how Nikki
Thresher,” Whitfield said. “And if relief with the firing of the goat.            The goat did not take the fir-
                                                                                                                                     Metzgar’s column the other week
                                                                                                                                                                                   Silverman and The
someone doesn’t do their job or “This is supposed to be the Rice ing lightly.
angers readers, then they should Thresher, not the Goat Thresher,”              “Bah! Baaaaaa,” the goat said.
                                                                                                                                     was completely wrong and that                  USA PATRIOT act
                                                                                                                                     Lindsay Lohan was actually a bad
not be working here. So I had to Sid senior Andrew Brantley said. “Baaaaa!” Then the goat ate a
                                                                                                                                     actress,” a fellow student said.
fire the goat.” Whitfield then went “That goat just thinks that it can tin can.
                                                                                                                                     “Then two orderlies just dragged               Doctors hope that one day
into a ’roids induced rage.           do whatever it wants. Well, now it
                                                                                                                                     him into an ambulance. I guess              Sanders will be able to appreci-
                                                                                                                                     it’s for the best.”                         ate the humor of Flight of the
     Did you know that you can take classes taught by undergrads for actual, factual credit?                                             Indeed, Sanders’ disorder               Concords, Sarah Silverman and
     For reals, those schmucks who won’t shut up in class now have their very own venue to ramble                                    gave him great difficulties inter-           The USA PATRIOT act.
     about whatever it is they think they’re an expert in. Wait a minute, I’m a schmuck who loves the                                acting with the rest of the Rice               “I always knew that something
     hear the sound of my own voice. Maybe I should teach a class! Alas, none are for distribution.                                  community.                                  was wrong with him,” his brother
                                                                                                                                         “He would always complain               Jay said. “I guess I never really
     EVAN 100: Intro to Evan                                       EVAN 225: Drawing Evan I                                          about 80s Party because of the              noticed things until he started a
     EVAN 101: History of Evan                                     EVAN 321: Race, Gender, Evan and Technoscience                    unfashionable clothes everyone              campaign to boycott The Colbert
     EVAN 109: Evan Physical Fitness Training                      EVAN 332: Evan’s Abnormal Behavior                                wore,” another student said.                Report because of Stephen Col-
     EVAN 131: Modern Myth, Modern Evan                            EVAN 408: Evan Capstone Design Project                            “Now it all makes sense.”                   bert’s right-wing hate speech.”
     EVAN 140: Intro to Ballroom Dancing with Evan                 EVAN 481: Evan and Hurricane Risk Assesment
     (women)                                                       EVAN 490: Supervised Reading with Evan
     EVAN 201: Inro to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,                     EVAN 577: Buddhism, Gender, Society, and Evan
     Transgender and Evan Studies
     EVAN 202: Who is (not) Evan?
                                                                   EVAN 645: Evan’s Investments and Portfolio
                                                                   Management                                                            The Backpage is satire and is
     EVAN 221: Evan and the Reformation                            EVAN 800: Evan Research and Thesis
                                                                                                                                             written by Evan Mintz


CLASSIFIEDS                                                                                                                                                                classifieds@rice.edu
                                                                                                                                                                                (713) 348-3974
HELP WANTED                                  PART-TIME ASSISTANT video editor            WORK FLEXIBLE HOURS at a fun, re-           individual to fill a FT client coordi-      nanny. References upon inquiry. momen-
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NOVELISTNEEDSresearcher.Requires             siastic, organized, and willing to learn.   in the museum district seeks part-time      Houston TX 77056. Call 713-963-9121
basic knowledge of genetics and genetic      Computer literate and familiarity with      and full-time help. Children range in       and ask for Tasha or Jeremy.                ABOLISH DEATH PENALTY. Texas
engineering, and an understanding of         editing software are preferred. Please      age from infant to upper elementary.                                                    Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty
what goes on in the labs. Fees negotiable.   write to resume@amindseyefilm.com or         Contact Tara at 713-520-0738.               LOOKING FOR a student/grad                  will meet Thursday at 6 PM Dec. 6 in
E-mail doug@honestarwriers.com.              call 713-218-9522.                                                                      student with an interest in and/or a        the first floor meeting room of the Freed-
                                                                                         STUDENTS NEEDED to help Mom                 background in early childhood devel-        Montrose Library 4100 Montrose. Guest
                                                                                         work with developmentally delayed           opment education speech language or         speaker will be Reverend Carroll Pickett.
                                                                                         child. We will be doing a variety of        child psychology to help part-time with     His topic will be “My Experience With
                                                                                         programs and exercises to work the          a 3.5 year old girl (West University        Lethal Injection”. Reverend Pickett was
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                                                                                                                                     at 832-687-9893 or email at gundone@        process. Picket is author of the book,
                                                                                         EGG DONATION. Earn $5,000 to                aol.com.                                    Within These Walls: Memoirs of a Death
                                                                                         $30,000 helping couples. Based on your                                                  House Chaplain.
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                                                                                         tion, aptitude, and other attributes. You   needed for software company. Offices        HOUSING
                                                                                         can earn up to $30,000 by donating your     in the Rice Village. Friendly environ-
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                                                                                         come true. To learn how you can help,       ible schedule. $14/hour. Please apply       Montrose blvd. Bike to Rice U. Small
                                                                                         visit our website @ www.primgen.net or      at careers@r7solutions.com.                 one bedroom apartment. Hardwood
                                                                                         call 281-265-1403.                                                                      floors, window unit air, gas heat, on-site
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                                                                                         PART-TIME BABYSITTER needed!                                                            with a small courtyard. $565 with lease
                                                                                         Watch 2 yr old for few hours a day.         DO YOU have a class? I have a time          and deposit. Available NOW. Andover
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                                                                                         mornings maybe some evenings. Start
                                                                                         January. Pay is negotiable. Call 281-726-
                                                                                         5322 or email eblanco@bcm.edu.

                                                                                         ESTABLISHED SOFTWARE company
                                                                                         owned by Rice graduates is looking for
                                                                                                                                           CLASSIFIED ADS                        The Rice Thresher
                                                                                                                                                                                 Attn: Classifieds
                                                                                         talented software development interns             Rates are as follows:                 6100 Main St., MS-524
                                                                                         with C# and ASP.Net experience. Help                 1–35 words:               $15      Houston, TX 77005-1892
                                                                                         clients implement our enterprise soft-               36–70 words:               $30     Phone: (713) 348-3974
                                                                                         ware and participate in the design of                71–105 words:             $45      Fax: (713) 348-5238
                                                                                         our new Web 2.0 online service. Please
                                                                                         send letter and resume expressing                 Cash, check or credit card pay-       The Thresher reserves the right
                                                                                         interest to careers@r7solutions.com.              ment must accompany your ad.          to refuse any advertising for any
                                                                                                                                                                                 reason and does not take respon-
                                                                                         MICHAELYNDON SALON in the                         Deadline is Tuesday at 5 p.m.         sibility for the factual content of
                                                                                         Galleria area is looking for an en-               prior to Friday publication.          any ad.
                                                                                         ergetic, professional and polished

								
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