Bad Impressions

BAD IMPRESSIONS by JS Lennox James S. Lennox 760-807-0598 Registered WGAw 0 FADE IN: EXT. LARGE HOME-NIGHT A large home in an affluent neighborhood somewhere in Los Angeles. INT. LARGE HOME-NIGHT HUSBAND heavyset, early 30’s, sits in the handsomely furnished den in front of a computer. His anguished face is explained by a graph on the screen showing the dive in his stock portfolio. Grabbing for a class of gin by the side of the monitor, he notices a piece of paper. He reads it. His WIFE enters the room and rummages through a closet. HUSBAND (holding the note) What the hell’s this? WIFE (glancing at note) They’re Florence’s hours. HUSBAND You’re paying her for 12 hours? Where the hell were you for 12 hours? WIFE I don’t know, shopping, getting my hair done. HUSBAND That doesn’t take 12 goddam hours. WIFE Well, maybe it wasn’t 12 hours then. HUSBAND It was a mistake? You pay her for 12 hours to watch the kid but it was a mistake? WIFE Just leave me alone. HUSBAND (taking a gulp of gin) You know what you were doing? 1 WIFE Like I don’t know what I was doing. HUSBAND You were screwing around! WIFE You’re out of your head. HUSBAND Screwing someone behind my back! WIFE (turning to leave the room) You make me sick-HUSBAND Don’t you walk away from me YOU WHORE! She stops and turns around. WIFE How dare you! How dare- Who do think you are? HUSBAND Who is he? Who are you fucking? WIFE GO TO HELL! HUSBAND God is my witness I’ll kill him and I’ll kill you too! WIFE Big talk from the mogul! HUSBAND Kill you with a brick to the head... WIFE Then use the company stock cause’ it’s falling like a brick! HUSBAND You’re pushing me, woman... 2 WIFE Where’s the stock at today, Mr. Dotcom millionaire? 30 cents? New Economy, MY ASS! HUSBAND I’ll kick the eyes out of your head you no good whore! He throws his glass of gin at her. In a rage, she rushes him and knocks him to the floor. She pounces on top and begins choking him. HUSBAND (struggling) Tae-bo shit ain’t gonna work... CRASH! Suddenly all hell breaks loose. Three armed men in ski masks race into the room. They are LEE RICHTER (20s) and his two henchmen HERB (30s) and NICK (30s). NICK EVERYBODY ON THE...! (beat) Stay on the floor! Nick grabs the husband and points a gun at him. NICK The Titian. The husband says nothing. NICK (more forcefully) The Titian! Where’s the fucking Titian? WIFE (terrified) We don’t have it anymore! LEE The fuck you say. Rich people don’t sell their art. Herb puts a gun to the back of the wife’s head. 3 HERB (to husband) The Titian or I do her. HUSBAND It’s gone! The bank took it. They’re taking everything! WIFE Everything’s gone and I wish I was dead! HUSBAND Wish granted, tramp! He lunges for his wife’s neck. HERB Knock that off. (tapping husband with his gun) C’mon, cut it out. LEE Tie them up. HERB (to Nick) You got the duct tape? NICK (shaking head) You do the taping after I have subdued-HERB That’s not what you said-NICK Yes it is. I overwhelm the victim and then you-LEE (snapping) Just tie them up! And find something to fucking steal! WIFE Well good luck! We barely have a pot to piss in because of him! 4 HUSBAND Lousy whore! INT. CAR-NIGHT On a side road behind the home, the three thieves sit in a Ford Taurus. In the back seat, Lee removes his ski mask. LEE (to Herb) “Checked it out yesterday,” he said. “Everything is a go,” he said. “Trust me,” he said. HERB It was there last week, Lee. I’m telling you everything looked fine. LEE Well, we go home with nothing! NICK (holding out cash) I found a hundred bucks in the kitchen... Lee angrily grabs the cash. LEE You know, you two couldn’t pour piss from a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOME-DAY The struggling face of PAUL KANT (30s), a real estate agent for an upper-level Century City firm. Tall and good-looking, one would never know just how insecure he is. He’s straining to remove a FOR SALE sign from the lawn of a small home in Beverly Hills. Surrounding him are SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS and NEWS CREWS. A body bag is carried outside by TWO MEN wearing chemical outfits. Just in front of Paul is a FEMALE NEWS REPORTER speaking into a camera. NEWS REPORTER So far, 4 bodies have been confirmed but officials fear more may be found under the crawl space. Neighbors have expressed shock that such horrific crimes could have happened here. Wisneski was known as a quiet neighbor with-5 With a mighty thrust, Paul jerks the sign out of the ground and smacks it into the side of the reporter. NEWS REPORTER (turning around) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST-(back to camera) As I was saying, a quiet neighbor with an interest in sailing... INT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE-DAY A busy up-scale real estate firm in Century City. Paul is standing by his desk with the sign in one hand and a phone in the other. Co-worker HAYDEN CORNER, 30s, listens in to Paul’s conversation. PAUL (on the phone) Well to be honest, I didn’t know it had a cellar. I mean, who has cellars in Southern California? What-? ...I don’t know, I heard four...or more. We’ll have the smell removed in no time. ... HAYDEN (whispering to Paul) Accent the positive. PAUL (on phone) Well, Dahlmer committed far more according to my recollection. Like twelve or something...Besides, he was a cannibal. There is no sign at all of that here. HAYDEN Good, good... PAUL You said you love wine and since it has a cellar...You’re right it is a hideous idea but let me say that I really think we can use this situation to our favor. Desirability is always less a factor than the deal that can be made on the home. You know the saying about when you have lemons. What do you do? You- Hello? 6 Paul puts the phone down. HAYDEN Take it they’re wavering. PAUL No. No wavering. They’re definitely breaking the escrow. HAYDEN You know, maybe it’s an ancient Indian burial ground. That’s happened before. PAUL Then it must have been a tribe of nurses then. HAYDEN Sounds like Choctaw... PAUL Will you shutup? This isn’t funny. A SECRETARY approaches Paul. She hands Paul some messages. PAUL Karen call me? SECRETARY No, but the Homeowners Association called about your Elm Street property. You know the one with the serial killer? HAYDEN Alleged. There’s been no convictions. SECRETARY They said they want to bulldoze the property and put up a memorial park to the victims. HAYDEN Like a park will make anyone forget. SECRETARY Newspaper’s been saying it’s like that movie. The one about Elm Street. You know, what’s it called? Something on Elm Street... 7 HAYDEN Nightmare. SECRETARY Right. Nightmare on Elm Street. The guy with the razor fingers. Did this guy have razor fingers? HAYDEN No, I hear he had power tools though... PAUL (frustrated) Are there any other messages? SECRETARY Oh yeah, your new listing? The D’Amatos? She wants you to find them a house sitter for a while. They’re going to Palm Springs. (beat) And Richard wants to see you. INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE-DAY The office is classy, done in silver and glass with several nude male statues. Company president, Richard Cummings sits at his desk. In his 50’s, balding and impeccably dressed, his eyes light up as Paul enters. RICHARD Paul, come in. Paul sits down. RICHARD I’ve been wanting to speak with you. How are you, Paul? PAUL I’m good. You know, out there trying to make some things happen. I’ve got some good leads. Things are coming together. Just have to remain focused. You know, like a laser beam. Focused. Richard stares at Paul just long enough to make him uncomfortable. 8 RICHARD Can you assess for me the status of the Elm Street property? PAUL It’s still uh, in play. RICHARD Sounds like the summer home for Satan, Paul. You pulled our sign up, right? PAUL I did. Richard, there’s been a rush to judgment by the press on this thing. You know, some have even said it might be an Indian burial ground... Richard looks at some paperwork. He walks around to the front of the desk. RICHARD We are no longer associated with that property, Paul. OK? (looking at paper) I see you also had a first-time buyer back out of a deal even though they had been approved for financing. PAUL Buyer’s remorse. First-time buyers are at the greatest risk for this but I’m sure you know this... RICHARD (staring at Paul) I’d kill for a pair of shoulders like yours. No matter how much I work out I’m stuck with these narrow shoulders. PAUL They’re not so narrow. RICHARD Really? I think I have narrow shoulders. He walks behind Paul putting his hand on Paul’s shoulder. RICHARD Not like yours. 9 He takes a silver coin out of his pocket and holds it in front of Paul. RICHARD Heads or tails, Paul. If you win, I’ll give you a million dollars. But if you lose, you owe me a hundred thousand. Do you do it? DECIDE! PAUL Ah... RICHARD Too late. He puts both hands on Paul’s shoulders. RICHARD Viewing things from the standpoint of the loss, Paulie. Remember what I said about viewing things from the standpoint of the loss? PAUL It’s a bad thing? Richard is now working on Paul’s neck. RICHARD That’s correct, Paulie. I like calling you Paulie...Lean forward... Paul leans forward and Richard starts to work on Paul’s lower back. His extreme lower back. RICHARD We’ve got to get something into escrow right? PAUL You betcha and-RICHARD How does that feel? PAUL (extremely uncomfortable) Like something I’ve never felt before. The phone rings. Paul jerks out of the seat. 10 PAUL Time to hit the streets. He awkwardly backs towards the door. EXT. WEST LOS ANGELES-DAY Paul’s 1988 BMW sputters along Wilshire Blvd. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING-DAY Paul enters the lobby of a large apartment complex. INT. APARTMENT-DAY The apartment is art deco. Paul places his keys and wallet on the table and removes his jacket. An easel containing an unfinished painting stands in the corner. He heads to the kitchen and pours himself a drink of orange juice. A noise comes from the bedroom. IN THE HALLWAY As he opens the bedroom doorPAUL Home early too, Hon? I’ve had the worst-Paul freezes. Sitting up against the headboard is the naked muscular frame of Lee. Buried in his crotch is KAREN CURRY attractive and naked. For what seems like an eternity, everybody simply observes one another. Finally, Paul stiffly exits the room. IN THE LIVING ROOM Paul is pacing around the coffee table not sure of what to do. Karen, wearing a bathrobe, storms in. KAREN Well, now you know. It’s not the way I planned it but now you know. PAUL Excuse me? KAREN You didn’t tell me that you were coming home early today. I wish you would’ve told me. (beat) 11 Well, what are you doing home so early? PAUL I think I should be asking the questions right now if you don’t mind. Karen stares at him. PAUL Why am I home so early? KAREN It’s useless, Paul, to go over why this happened. PAUL I’ll stop clinging to the hope that you were being raped. KAREN I admit I should have told you sooner but know that it’s out... He passes by the easel, which contains an unfinished painting of two people having sex. PAUL (studying painting) Should have seen it coming. That’s you but I’m not that muscular. Lee now dressed enters the room. He puts his arm around Karen and smiles at Paul. LEE (to Karen) I’ve got to go. (to Paul) It’s Paul, right? Paul stands frozen, unable to speak. LEE This must be really humiliating. KAREN (to Lee) 12 You’d better go. LEE (to Paul) Look, if it means anything to you, I just want to say that you have a nice girlfriend. Karen starts leading him to the door. LEE I mean really nice. He goes out the front door. Paul looks out the sliding door. PAUL How can I forgive something like this, Lisa? Answer me that. How can I possibly forgive you? I don’t know what to say. How can I possibly ever touch you again? After he’s-this horrible breech of trust- I should be blinded with rage right now. I should be exploding in anger. But, you know what? I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. That’s what I feel about you. Nothing. I have no words. KAREN You’d better pack your things. PAUL We should talk... KAREN There’s nothing to discuss anymore. I don’t love you. PAUL We need to sit down and talk this out... KAREN I don’t want to discuss anything. PAUL We can discuss that. Now lets sit down. KAREN It’s over and I just want you to leave, Paul. 13 PAUL OK, I’ve thought about it and I think I should sleep on the couch for a month. KAREN That’s ridiculous. PAUL You take the couch then. For two months. She walks towards the bedroom. KAREN Pack your bags, Paul. LATER Paul puts the last of his meager belongings by the door. Karen stands there placidly. PAUL That’s all of it. Karen just looks at him. PAUL Every bit of it. No response. PAUL I’m leaving. No response. PAUL Out this door. KAREN Let’s try not to draw this out. Karen opens the door. PAUL You’re right. You are very right. We need some space. Time to think this over. I’d say a few days ought to do it... 14 KAREN I want you to forget about me, Paul. Karen is moving his luggage out the door. PAUL OK, I forgive you. Is that what you’re waiting for? I forgive you. I have the ability to forgive. She shuts the door on him. INT. ART STUDIO-NIGHT A seedy, cramped art studio filled with paint supplies and canvases. A PAINTER sits in front of an easel, brush in hand periodically looking at a photograph. A WOMAN and MAN, their T-shirts smeared with paint, are busy crating another painting. BLAM! The back door is kicked in. DETECTIVE AQUINAS late 50’s, heavyset, the prototypical gumshoe struts in with his gun drawn. Closely behind him is ANITA PRESARIO, black, late 20s, sharply dressed. She is the Detective’s new partner. AQUINAS BRUSHES IN THE AIR! PAINTER Who the hell are you? AQUINAS BACK AWAY FROM THAT CANVAS! PAINTER (putting his hands up) I’m cool, I’m cool. ANITA (nervously waving a badge) LAPD Art Crime Division. You are all under arrest for forgery under the penal code...um... She fumbles through a notepad with one hand and a gun in the other. ANITA 31.01 and...33.06. 15 Anita corrals the three forgers and lines them against the wall. WOMAN The law is here to waste our time. Aquinas looks over the painting on the easel. AQUINAS The only waste I see is a lot of paint and canvas. You think you have the sack to forge a Vermeer? WOMAN We prefer to use the word duplication. PAINTER What’s wrong with it? AQUINAS The placement of the chair, of course. It’s too perfect. Too precise. The overall work is rancid. MAN (to painter) I told you. AQUINAS You forgers never learn. The job has already been done and done well. His blood starting to boil, takes a pair of scissors from a table. AQUINAS It doesn’t need to be done again! The three forgers look on in shock as he stabs the painting fiercely until it’s ripped to shreds. AQUINAS (quietly) It doesn’t need to be done again. WOMAN Look cop, all good things are worthy of duplication. Aquinas gets in her face. 16 AQUINAS If you weren’t a lady, I’d knock your teeth in, you hear me? Your cheap forgery may provide a full aesthetic experience for the poorly prepared public out there but don’t feed that crap to me. Your gang is through in this town. MAN We’re not a gang. We prefer to be called a symposium. PAINTER Yes, we’re mostly concerned with philosophy and politics. AQUINAS Anita, get these perps out of my sight. EXT. BACK ALLEY-NIGHT The forgers are in the back of a POLICE CAR. Anita stands outside with Detective Aquinas who is finishing up a phone call. AQUINAS Did good, Anita. This being your cherry and all. ANITA I have to admit, Detective, I was kinda nervous. Pretty silly, huh? I mean it’s not like we were assaulting a crack house or anything. AQUINAS First of all, don’t underestimate the danger of these people. Ever seen what turpentine can do to an eyeball? It’s not pretty. A brush in the wrong hands can kill. Don’t forget that. Secondly, every forgery we take off the street is a blow for truth. Don’t you forget that either. You want to be an art cop? Remember, the best forgeries are still hanging on the walls. Understood? ANITA Yes, sir. Understood. AQUINAS Good. Now let’s get something to eat. 17 Aquinas gets in the car. EXT. LIQUOR STORE-NIGHT Paul is outside of a small liquor store on a pay phone. He’s trying to listen as TWO BUMS are arguing nearby. BUM #1 Tell it to the judge. That’s all I got to say on that. BUM #2 You don’t know nuthin. BUM #2 You don’t know shit either, fool. BUM #1 Trouble with you is, when you ain’t drunk you’re sober. PAUL (on phone) What’s that again? What did she say? HAYDEN (OS) Not a good idea, Paul The apartment is really small and... PAUL Hey, it’s no problem. Don’t worry about it really, Hayden. I’ve got plenty of options. HAYDEN (OS) Sorry man. I’m whipped. What can I say? (beat) I can’t believe she was blowing some guy in your bed. PAUL I know, I know... HAYDEN (OS) Didn’t you at least kick his ass? 18 PAUL If the gun was at arms length we would be having a different conversation, let me tell you. HAYDEN (OS) What a bitch. You’ll never talk to her again, will you? PAUL What, are you kidding? HAYDEN (OS) I would have fucked him up. Bad. PAUL I’ll see you tomorrow. Paul puts the phone down and looks around. He doesn’t have any other options. He dials a number. KAREN (OS) Hello? Paul hangs up. PAUL (to himself) Shit shit shit-Suddenly he realizes something and pulls out a phone number from his wallet. EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD-DAY We are looking at an older secluded home on top of a steep hill somewhere in Los Angeles. INT. D’AMATO’S HOME-DAY The inside of the home is large and cramped with older furniture. The walls contain several mediocre paintings. A jewelry-laden MRS. D’AMATO, 60’s, elegant and refined, sits on the sofa sipping a scotch while LANDER WIFEKS a foppish art lecturer and consultant, paces nervously around her. Two SMALL PAINTINGS of nudes by Degas lay in large frames on the table. 19 LANDER That concern is entirely misplaced. (beat) If I may be frank with you, Mrs. D’Amato, keeping the money in escrow until an examination is putting me in a very difficult position with the gallery. MRS. D’AMATO Your position with the gallery is not my concern. My concern is the authenticity of these paintings. I have a friend at the museum that’s agreed to look at them when we get back from Palm Springs. LANDER It’s a waste of time and money and more specifically it’s creating doubt in your head about these beautiful Degas nudes that you love so much. MRS. D’AMATO My instincts have always served me well, Lander. You know that. LANDER Don’t you feel that this is a rather unusual reason to question the authenticity? MRS. D’AMATO Unusual or not, the fact of the matter is it occurred and as my consultant, I expect your full cooperation on this matter. The doorbell rings. LANDER (tersely) And that you shall have. IN THE FRONT HALL A human bulldozer by the name of LUCA opens the door to reveal Paul. PAUL I have an appointment with Mrs. D’Amato. 20 LUCA You the house sitter? PAUL Well, actually I’m the D’Amato’s real estate agent who will be staying here while-LUCA Don’t move. Luca disappears. Paul warily enters the front hall. An ASIAN NURSE passes by him and heads down a hallway. He watches as she unlocks and opens the door at the end. She comes out pushing a wheelchair containing the hopelessly senile, skeleton-thin ANTHONY D’AMATO. She wheels him down the hall past Paul and towards the living room where Mrs. D’Amato and Lander are just coming from. MRS. D’AMATO (to Mr. D’Amato) How are you feeling, Darling? LANDER You look quite robust, Mr. D’Amato. Quite robust indeed. MR. D’AMATO (delirious) You got water in here. Look at all the water... MRS. D’AMATO Yes, Tony. We’ll clean it up. Don’t worry. NURSE (to Mrs. D’Amato) He had an accident with the orange juice again. MRS D’AMATO What did he damage now? NURSE The one of Paris that looks all blurry. MRS.D’AMATO Oh, dear. Not the Monet... 21 LANDER Good Lord. He damaged a Monet? MR. D’AMATO (looking over Lander) Who’s the homo? MRS. D’AMATO (to Mr. D’Amato) You know Lander, Darling. He’s our art consultant. (to Lander) We’ll talk further when I return next month. LANDER Is there any way we can resolve this matter now, Mrs. D’Amato? I really feel that-MRS. D’AMATO When we return in a month, Lander. (to Mr. D’Amato) How’s your leg today, Darling? Lander heads to the front door. Paul and him exchange glances as he leaves. Mrs. D’Amato approaches Paul. MRS D’AMATO There you are, Mr. Kant. How is your lovely girlfriend Karen? I haven’t been to the museum in months. PAUL Oh, she’s just fine. Couldn’t be better. MRS D’AMATO You should marry that girl before she gets away. PAUL Don’t I know it. MRS D’AMATO Obviously since you have the listing on this place, I don’t need to show you around but I do have some rules I expect to be followed while we are away. 22 IN THE MAIDS ROOM She enters with Paul trailing behind. The room is small containing a bed, small table, TV and small refrigerator. MRS D’AMATO This is where you’ll be staying. You can see that everything you need is in here. As I told you on the phone, the rest of the house is only to be accessed when you have a showing. A private telephone is also available for your use. No long distance calls please. PAUL Completely understood. MRS D’AMATO Ordinarily our assistant Mario would take care of the place but he is in the hospital. PAUL I hope it’s not serious. MRS D’AMATO Mario is suffering from heart problems. PAUL I’m sorry to hear that. MRS D’AMATO We were somewhat surprised that you as our real estate agent agreed to be the house sitter. PAUL What a shock about my home. Who could’ve known? MRS D’AMATO How exactly did it fall into the ocean? PAUL Soil erosion. Happening all over the Malibu Colony. I’m having the slab repoured as we speak. IN THE LIVING ROOM 23 They move into the living room. The nurse is hooking Mr. D’Amato up to his oxygen. MRS D’AMATO The room at the end of the hall is to remain locked. Entrance to that room is forbidden. Only my husband goes in that room. No excuses. Do you understand? PAUL You only need to tell me once. MRS D’AMATO Other rooms of course are to be entered only during a showing with a qualified buyer. Make sure they stay on the plastic walkway. PAUL Completely understood. MRS D’AMATO Send all offers to me immediately. The number in Palm Springs is by the phone. PAUL I will do my very best to see that this place is sold in a timely fashion. MRS D’AMATO (to Mr. D’Amato) Are you ready to go on our little trip, Tony? MR D’AMATO (raspy voice) We going to Sicily today? MRS D’AMATO Yes, dear. MR D’AMATO What’s this Tuesday? Tuesday night is tribute night. Everybody shows up. Everybody better show up. Especially the cement guy or he’s gonna wear some cement... (he drifts off) 24 Paul glances at the Degas on the table. PAUL Degas? MRS D’AMATO Very good. I see Karen has been an influence on you. He observes a horribly mediocre painting of a sailboat on the wall. PAUL I don’t know this one. MRS. D’AMATO Anthony did it, didn’t you darling? When he was young his dream was to be an artist. MR D’AMATO (to nobody in particular) I want inquiries made. No Jew bastard is gonna muscle me out of the Bronx, you hear? MRS. D’AMATO Unfortunately the family business didn’t allow him the chance to realize it. EXT. FRONT OF D’AMATO HOME - DAY Mrs. D’Amato helps her husband into the limousine. Paul waves as they drive off. INT. D’AMATO’S HOME – DAY Paul wanders down hallways peeking into the different rooms. He makes little effort to stay on the plastic. At the end of the hallway, he stands in front of the off limits doorway. He jiggles the knob. It’s locked. IN THE STUDY The sound of OTIS REDDING fills the study as Paul, now dressed in Mr. D’Amato’s smoking jacket, drags on a cigar and stirs a Bloody Mary. He flicks through the channels on the TV. A tabloid magazine show comes on. 25 TV ANNOUNCER Tonight we take you into the Elm Street death home of fugitive from justice Allen Putin as authorities continue to dig out bodies from the secret chambers under the residence. Paul changes the channel to a talk show. A MAN and WOMAN are screaming at each other under the title WOMEN WHO CHEAT AND LIKE IT. WOMAN --and I get respect. He treats me like a (bleep) lady. And he’s got a bigger (bleep) than you... Paul turns off the TV and walks over to the wall unit. He studies the extensive Frank Sinatra record collection. He changes records and the room is filled with Sinatra’s voice singing “THE LADY IS A TRAMP”. He switches songs to “I’VE GOT TO BE ME.” Paul finishes his drink, picks up the phone and dials. KAREN(OS) Hello? Paul immediately hangs up. He thinks for a second then redials. KAREN(OS) (sterner) Hello? He hangs up again. EXT. UPSCALE HOME-NIGHT The front door of a large Brentwood home swings open as Lee and his gang drag a tied-up MIDDLE EASTERN COUPLE out of the house. The robbers throw the couple into the trunk of their own sedan and the hood is slammed shut. EXT. ART GALLERY-NIGHT The sedan drives by a closed art gallery. EXT. BACK ALLEY-NIGHT The sedan pulls up to the back entrance of the gallery. We see a key put into the lock. The door opens and a gloved hand reaches in and disarms the security alarm. 26 INT. ART GALLERY-NIGHT A darkened medium-sized art gallery. There are a variety of strange sculptures including a row of glass tanks that contain a pig sectioned and suspended in formaldehyde. The couple is tied up in the back room. Lee searches the front of the gallery while Nick looks out the doorway and Herb stands over the wife. Lee walks towards the husband. LEE The De La Tour, asshole. HUSBAND My English, no good... WHAP! Lee smacks him sharply in the face. LEE Understand that, Omar? HUSBAND Don’t know what you say... WHAP! On the other side of the face. HUSBAND I try to remember, OK? LEE Magdalen with the Smoking Flame! HERB (to husband) It’s a simple composition of Mary gazing at a candle that uses short brushstrokes of black to suggest highlights-LEE (cutting him off) He knows, you idiot. HERB Gotcha, Lee. (beat) I mean Carlos. 27 LEE Kneecap the wife. Herb stands in front of the wife. He’s unsure. HERB I’ll be honest. I’ve never kneecapped someone. I mean I’ll do it, don’t get me wrong. I wanna do it. It’s just I’m not sure of the procedure... LEE (hissing) You put a bullet through the kneecap. Herb points the gun at the wife’s kneeHUSBAND (pointing towards the desk) Safe? In safe under rug! Lee picks him up and hustles him towards the desk. NICK (whispering to Herb) De La Tour never used black. He said it punched a hole in the canvas. HERB (whispering back) What did he use for shadows then? NICK Dark blue. HERB No shit... Lee throws the husband in front of the desk. The husband picks up the trashcan and removes a patch of carpeting to reveal the safe. LEE Open it. 28 Nick has taken an interest in a painting lying against the wall depicting a young lady holding a flower. He shines a flashlight on it. NICK (to Herb) Hey, see if I got this right. The flower see, it represents the outward version of the love inside of her. Herb comes over. He sizes up the painting. Lee pulls the DE LA TOUR PAINTING out and looks it over. HERB (studying picture) Right, right. But, with such a vague you know, sense of color, I don’t see it as adding up to a dramatic moment at all. Herb spots another painting. NICK Check me out on this one, Herb... LEE If you two assholes mention a name one more time I’m going to fucking lose it! NICK Got it, Juan. HERB I’m Juan. Lee is Carlos. NICK Right, right. LEE JUST QUIT SAYING FUCKING NAMES! With Lee’s back turned, he doesn’t notice the husband pull a huge handgun out of the safe. As Lee turns back to him-BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The husband is firing like a madman. In a panic Herb, Nick and Lee holding the De La Tour, rush out to the main gallery. 29 IN THE MAIN GALLERY The front window explodes into fragments of glass as the robbers dive for cover. HUSBAND KNEECAP MY WIFE? I KNEECAP YOU! Nick tries to get out by way of the front window but security bars block it. NICK (crying) Like fucking animals... Lee weaves between some statues on the way to diving behind the pig display. The husband blasts through the glass and sends pig parts onto the floor. Lee desperately tries to keep the De La Tour out of the formaldehyde. Herb frantically pulls a gun out and promptly drops it into a metal sculpture that looks like a barrel of daggers. LEE WHO’S GOT THE KEYS? HERB Nick’s got them! LEE Hector, you stupid son of a-Lee spots the husband behind him and dives just as a bullet whizzes past his ear. HUSBAND I KILL YOU TO DEATH! With glass flying everywhere, Lee manages to get up and run to the exit in the back of the store. Nick and Herb follow behind. The husband has run out of bullets but he keeps squeezing the trigger. INT. SEDAN(MOVING)--NIGHT Lee and his gang race through town in the couple’s car. Lee is not a happy camper. LEE The fucking De La Tour is damaged! 30 NICK Since when do gallery owners carry heat? HERB The gun just jammed, Carlos. Honest. LEE Your head is jammed and does it make any sense in that insignificant brain of yours to call me Carlos now? HERB Well, I thought it would be good to stay in character. For the next time. NICK He’s got something there, Lee. HERB See? You just called him Lee. NICK You know you’re right. LEE When either of you speak to me, shutup! EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD--NIGHT The sedan pulls to the side of the street behind a new Corvette. INT. SEDAN-NIGHT Lee has pulled out the stolen cash from the heist and is busy dividing it up. Nick and Herb continue to jabber away. NICK What about you then? HERB When I was a kid my dad told me when Christ was put on the cross the Romans put four nails in him. Then this Gypsy kid came along and he stole one of the nails. That’s why on the crucifix you see Christ’s feet are nailed with one nail two nails are in the hands. 31 NICK (thinking) Yeah, uh huh, there’re three alright. HERB So then Christ said from now on and forevermore, Gypsies can steal and it’s not a sin. NICK So since you got Gypsy blood then you got kind of a holy mandate to do jobs. HERB I never thought of it that way, but yeah, I guess I do. LEE (handing over cash) Take it. NICK What do we do about the De La Tour? LEE I’ll handle it. Unload the car and meet me at the boat in the morning. INT. ART GALLERY-NIGHT Detective Aquinas several OFFICERS tiptoe and slip through the smashed pig display. Anita walks up to them. ANITA What a mess. Is that a pig? AQUINAS That is or was an art piece. Thank god it seems to have been the only one damaged. ANITA Modern art. A chopped up pig is changed into a piece of art because some guy labels it as such. People who like this stuff, Detective don’t have eyes constructed like mine. 32 AQUINAS Anita, among all the art in here look for the very worst piece. Then realize there’re thousands of wannabes out there going insane quaffing on their own piss because they know they’ll never have the talent to approach even a fraction of its honesty. ANITA I heard of this French performance artist. She underwent all these plastic surgery operations to transform herself into...lemme see...the nose of Leonardo's Mona Lisa, the chin of Botticelli's Venus, the eyes of Gerome's Psyche, and the mouth of Europa as painted by Francois Boucher. She broadcast her operations live conducted under local anesthetic so she could read aloud from texts in philosophy, literature, and psychoanalysis... AQUINAS The line between art and pathological behavior is a thin one, Anita. He approaches an OFFICER. AQUINAS What have we found out? OFFICER Looks like all they got was a De La Tour work called Magdalene With the Smoking Flame in the safe. AQUINAS Knew the valuable stuff is kept in the back room for the real collectors. OFFICER The wife says three guys in ski masks. Curator pulled out a gun and started blasting. (beat) We also got this, Detective Aquinas. The officer hands him a weapon. Aquinas studies it. 33 AQUINAS Smith and Wesson. OK, run a make on it and see what we come up with. Aquinas walks over to the wife who is sitting with a cup of coffee. AQUINAS Is there anything else you can tell us that might help? WIFE I don’t see their faces. I so afraid... Aquinas bends down and takes her hand. AQUINAS You’ve been through a traumatic event. I want you to know we are going to get these evil men off the street. WIFE Thank you for your kindness and-AQUINAS (looking up and dropping her hand) THOSE MOTHER GRABBING COCKSUCKERS! The beat up husband stands over Aquinas holding a painting by ZORN that contains a large hole in it. HUSBAND My Zorn... Aquinas grabs the painting as the husband collapses to the ground. AQUINAS (studying the painting) Anita, we need help sent here immediately! ANITA (kneeling over the husband) I’ll call an ambulance... AQUINAS (looking over the painting) 34 I need a restoration lab technician here in twenty minutes! I think we can save the Zorn. The husband screams as Aquinas accidentally steps on his hand. AQUINAS Those animals will pay! EXT-ART GALLERY-NIGHT TWO LAB TECHNICIANS put the Zorn in the back of a van as Aquinas and Anita watch. AQUINAS Anita, I admire your toughness. Remember my first time. A Rembrandt. Homeless guy took a switchblade to it. A fucking switchblade. I just lost it. Went outside, threw up. Had nightmares. I can’t even talk about it now. ANITA I’m really OK... AQUINAS When you see how humans can mutilate- you just have to look at it and say, “this is an inanimate object.” You repress your emotions. ANITA Well, I just think that you learn to deal with things that-AQUINAS (not listening) Sometimes it’s hard to keep the Beretta holstered. INT. LECTURE HALL-DAY A darkened lecture hall on campus. About 30 STUDENTS attend a class held by Lander. He stands near the slide projector sipping on coffee. On the screen in front is the work of GOYA showing the violent rendering of a slaughtered animal. 35 LANDER When creating art, you begin with a catastrophe. The artist adds to that his aggression. The desire is to confront the viewer, which is after all, a gesture of violence. The next slide is CARRAVAGIO’s JOHN THE BAPTIST. LANDER Talk to me people. STUDENT #1 Carravagio. LANDER What does it say to you? STUDENT #1 The arrangements of the figures are strongly dynamic and I would say that the empty spaces create an atmosphere of foreboding. LANDER An easy flourish of language will not describe Carravagio. This man, this evil genius changed the course of painting. Tell me why. STUDENT #2 Suppression of extraneous detail? LANDER Too simplistic... STUDENT #3 A dramatic focus on attention and-LANDER (interrupting) There was art before him and art after him and they were not the same. Why? STUDENT #4 He was the first to paint on black velvet? The class laughs but Lander is not amused. 36 LANDER Truth, people. He told the truth. Certainly a radical concept in the 16th century. What you see are dirty feet, torn clothes, bloodshot eyes, a real mortal being. Truth is on the canvas without precepts, without doctrine, without study. Carravagio tells the truth like a child undeterred by respectability. The lights go on. Students get up to leave. Some chat with Lander who looks at his watch as he heads towards the exit. Standing there waiting for him is ALEXANDER HOFFMAN an uptight gallery director. Alexander follows Lander into the hallway. ALEXANDER We are in serious trouble, Lander. You know what will happen if Mrs. D’Amato has testing done. I cannot afford any scrutiny. LANDER There will be no testing, Alexander. Do not concern yourself. ALEXANDER I don’t have your confidence. Certain people are demanding monies. LANDER And you and I shall get that money. Remember that the work is insured in case of it being stolen. Alexander and Lander look at each other. INT. D’AMATO HOUSE-NIGHT Bloody Mary in hand, Paul putters around the living room dressed in a bathrobe. IN THE HALLWAY He jiggles the knob to the locked room. No luck. He jiggles harder. The knob comes off. He pries open the door. IN THE LOCKED ROOM 37 The room is dark as the door is slowly opened. Paul struggles to find a light switch. One switch turns on some ceiling lights. Paul leans in and peers into the dim light. The room is large with high ceilings. Two couches back to back are all the furniture in the room. He flicks another switch. The walls are illuminated from small lights over paintings that fill the room. Great masters such as MATISSE, RENOIR, RAPHAEL, and MANET line the walls. Paul wonders through the room awed by what he sees. He comes to the back wall where a lone picture hangs. We can’t see what it is but Paul is clearly impressed. Finally he sits on a couch with his drink and just stares. EXT. DOWNTOWN ALLEY-DAY Lander sticks out like a sore thumb standing next to his new Cadillac in a litterstrewn alley somewhere in downtown Los Angeles. A ratty Cadillac pulls up next to him. Lander eyes it nervously. Rolling himself out of the car is a seedy individual by the name of NORM (40s). He drags slowly on a cigarette. NORM You, Louie? Norm checks out the new Cadillac. LANDER I assume your name is Norm. NORM I gotta tell you, you don’t look like a Louie. LANDER (uncomfortably) That is what my mother named me. Louie. NORM OK, Louie. What’s the score and how much you gonna pay? LANDER The score-well, uh, I would like to hire you to remove some artwork from a private residence. NORM B and E, huh? How much? 38 LANDER Let me first describe the art. You should write this down-they are Degas nudes. Now as far as what you are looking for... NORM How much? LANDER I believe a fee of $1,500 is more than adequate. Again, about the paintingsNORM What are they worth? LANDER They are not worth anything, they are forgeries. NORM Forgeries? You want me to heist forgeries? You’re kinda new to this whole crime business I take it. LANDER It is much to complicated to explain to you. Just remember that I need the Norm grabs Lander by the collar and puts him up against the Cadillac. NORM You calling me stupid, Louie? I got dyslexia, all right? Lot’s of people got it. You call me stupid one more time and I’m gonna put your bottom lip up over your head. LANDER (stunned) 39 There was absolutely no intent to attack your intellect, sir. I would be glad to explain to you the exact nature of the enterprise. You see I’m a leading art consultant in Los Angeles and I quite innocently sold a client some work that is of shall we say questionable originNorm releases his death grip. NORM Never mind. I just don’t like people calling me stupid. Just give me an address and description of what you want taken. It’s gonna cost you three grand. LANDER Three thousand dollars? Are you insane? The word insane doesn’t sit well with Norm. The death grip is resumed. NORM You’re calling me stupid again. LANDER (nervously) No, no. Heh, heh. I simply was remarking on how inexpensive your fee is. I beg of you, I tend to bleed rather dramatically so, if you would... NORM I don’t like being called stupid, Louie. He releases the grip. LANDER And who can blame you? NORM Let me give you some advice. In this line of business you got to act tougher, you know? Nobody likes sophisticated sissy boys. EXT. NEWSSTAND-DAY A busy newsstand in Hollywood. Hayden mills around looking at magazines. Paul is on a payphone nearby. 40 PAUL (on phone) Did she get the last message? What about the flowers? I’ll call back. Thank You. Paul walks over to Hayden at the newsstand. Several rows of magazines contain the picture of Dr. Putin. A radio is on. RADIO ANNOUNCER The body count is expected to rise as the garage floor has been dug up to reveal two more bodies in what is now becoming... HAYDEN (looking in porno) When are we going to Vegas again? The last time was great. I had a great time. Lots of tits in Vegas. PAUL Great time. HAYDEN I’ll find a girl for you in Vegas. It’ll cost but you’ll be able to release genetic information. An old lady looks at Hayden. PAUL How Scandinavian of you. INT. FLOWER SHOP-DAY They enter a small flower shop. HAYDEN She gets caught in bed with another guy, kicks you out of the apartment and what do you do? Woo her with flowers. It’s either insanely brilliant or horribly pathetic. PAUL The high moral ground is where I reside. In time she will see that now shutup and look for a Bonsai Tree. 41 HAYDEN Attraction is not something you can control. Women in LA try with selective plastic surgery but for the most part it’s deeply imbedded in our genetic coding. Paul searches through the Bonsai Trees. HAYDEN Take my wife. You may think I was attracted to her intelligence but actually my genetic coding wanted her large fatty hips. PAUL Why is that? HAYDEN Because it’s a sign of good nutrition and it means a wide birth canal that will minimize the risk of birth trauma and guarantee the survival of my bloodline. PAUL You said you married her because she gave great head. HAYDEN That’s what my DNA wants me to think. What you think you want may not be what your internal wiring wants. PAUL That’s ridiculous. HAYDEN Are Karen’s hips bony or are they not? EXT. COFFEE SHOP-DAY A sedan containing the Aquinas and Anita pulls up in front of a small coffee shop on Melrose. INT. COFFEE SHOP-DAY The place is crowded with artist and writers. Detective Aquinas’ imposing frame fills the doorway. JEROME (20s) black and a slightly insane artist, notices the Detective and immediately starts inching his way towards the back exit. 42 EXT-BACK ALLEY-DAY Jerome comes through the door and runs down the stairs. At the bottom Anita sticks a badge in his face. ANITA Just a minute of your time. Aquinas comes out the back door. AQUINAS No way to greet a friend, Jerome. JEROME I’m cool, Detective Aquinas. AQUINAS Now, you haven’t been forging anything lately, have you Jerome? JEROME We got our shit together, Detective. We clean. We cool. Aquinas grabs Jerome’s hand. He studies the fingernails. AQUINAS That Titanium white I see, Jerome? JEROME C’mon Detective you know, a little on the side. I aint hurtin’ nobody. AQUINAS Anita, you’re looking at one of the best forgers on the West Coast. JEROME Why you gotta do me like that, Detective? You know it’s both coasts. East, west it don’t matter. I’m the man. AQUINAS You’re the man, Jerome. What do you know about some art heists? 43 JEROME Heists? Man, I don’t get near that shit in no way. AQUINAS C’mon, Jerome. You’re in the world. What do you hear? JEROME Maybe if I was to you know get a little dab, I could keep my ears open for you. Aquinas pulls some tubes of oil paint from his jacket. AQUINAS Now, you know I don’t like to feed a habit, Jerome. JEROME (studying the paint) Do I smell Winsor and Newton? AQUINAS I only bring the best, you know that. JEROME Cerulean Blue. I see you got Cerulean Blue. AQUINAS I’ve got some Alizarin Crimson too. JEROME Keep my ears open, you know? The Detective pulls some brushes out of his pocket. He plays with them. JEROME Chinese hog bristle? AQUINAS What do you think? JEROME Man, you know, I’ll make some inquiries. I’ll do you up. You got some Vermilion? Vermilion and we ready to party. Party hearty, you know what I mean? 44 Detective Aquinas hands Jerome the supplies. He cradles them like a bag of smack. AQUINAS We’ll be waiting for a call. Jerome walks off. ANITA Bizarre dude. AQUINAS Jerome is an artist and as an artist he gives himself over to an experience very different from an ordinary person. An experience that is loftier, truer more lasting. ANITA I was talking about the huge piss stain on his pants. INT. ART MUSEUM-DAY Paul enters the medium-sized art museum holding the Bonsai Tree. He heads to the elevator. IN THE BASEMENT The elevator opens and Paul exits. He enters a door that says CONSERVATOR DEPARTMENT. INT. CONSERVATOR DEPARTMENT-DAY Inside the large room are several specialists busy at work restoring art ranging from watercolors to Egyptian vases. He approaches a WOMAN busy at work on an ancient scroll. WOMAN Can I help you? PAUL Karen in? WOMAN In the back office but she said she’s not to be bothered. 45 Paul heads to the back room. IN THE BACK ROOM Karen is bent over the Renoir with a pair of surgical gloves on. She is holding a magnifying glass as she studies the work. Lee stands behind Karen looking over her shoulder. KAREN It’s pretty minimal. There is some loose paint that needs to be reattached and it’s also got a weird smell to it. Like rancid meat. LEE Good news, babe. He cups her breasts with both hands. LEE I wouldn’t call these minimal. She turns around and just as they kiss, the door opens. Paul sticks his head in. Karen and Lee look at him. KAREN (to Lee) I’ll be back. She heads to the door. IN THE LAB Karen stares coldly at Lee. KAREN Why are you here? PAUL I need to see you. I really need to. KAREN I’m very busy so if you would... He holds out the Bonsai Tree. 46 PAUL When I saw this I thought about you so I bought it. KAREN I don’t want a plantPAUL It’s a treeKAREN I don’t want itPAUL You can’t really say no to a giftKaren just stares at him. PAUL Tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. KAREN Nothing. Do nothing. PAUL How about a fern? KAREN Go home, Paul. PAUL I’ll hit the gym- I’ll shave my chest, just tell me. Lee comes out of the back room. He puts his hands on Karen’s shoulders. LEE Forget about me, Karen? KAREN I was just saying goodbye, Lee. She goes back into the room. Paul stares at Lee who gives a wicked smile. LEE At least this time you didn’t catch me with my dick out. 47 Lee goes back into the room. Paul responds by punching the cement wall. EXT. D’AMATO HOUSE NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT Norm is cruising up and down the street in his noisy Cadillac. He is being just about as conspicuous as you can get. He stops and shines a flashlight on a piece of paper and studies it. NORM (to himself) Is that a 7 or a 9? He looks out the passenger seat at the two homes that are fairly close to each other. The Cadillac slowly lurches forward. EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND D’AMATO HOUSE-NIGHT Norm rolls his car to a stop. EXT. D’AMATO BACK YARD-NIGHT The backyard is lit up as Paul floats in the pool holding a drink and a headset on. We can hear ALL THE WAY blaring through his earphones. Behind Paul we can see Norm roll his fat frame over the wall and fall into the adjoining yard. INT. HOME-NIGHT A shadowy figure behind the curtained sliding doors. Glass breaks and a hand reaches in and fumbles for the door lock. Norm enters the home and surveys the room with his flashlight. He slowly moves deeper into the home. He studies a painting on the wall. It’s of three ponies frolicking in a sunlit meadow. Norm moves on in his search. IN THE HALLWAY Another painting on the wall. Norm studies it. He starts to move on when he notices a red laser sighted directly on his forehead. He freezes. A woman’s voice comes down from the staircase. WOMAN (OC) Any movement at all and I will use this. 48 NORM (nervous) OK, now lady there is no need to use deadly force in this situation. I’m only doing a little B and E here. I don’t do rape. WOMAN What a coincidence, neither do I. A growling MASTIFF named SPECK peaks out from railing on the staircase. WOMAN Kill the rapist, Speck. We hear Norms screaming over the sounds of Speck attacking. EXT. PARKING LOT-DAY Lander sits impatiently in his car in an empty parking lot in downtown LA. TWO BUMS approach the Cadillac. They rap on his window. Lander reluctantly rolls down the window. BUM #1 God love ya, buddy. I haven’t eaten a thing in days. LANDER Force yourself. He rolls the window back up. INT. CAR-NIGHT His pager goes off. He reads the number and makes a call on his car phone. LANDER (on phone) Yes, Louie here. Wait, wait- Where are you-? Well, what in the world does pinched mean? I see- Well, I have nothing more to say to you. Dog bites can cause infections, yes- I’m hanging up now- Bail? Are you insane-? Yes, I said insane. You are an idiot. You’re an idiot who happens to be dyslexic. You not only broke into the wrong house, you’ve been apprehended. And that puts you in the pantheon of idiots. 49 He angrily hangs up the phone. He goes to start the car but notices something in the rear view mirror. He rolls the window down and sticks his head out. EXT. PARKING LOT-NIGHT The two bums are busy urinating on the trunk of Lander’s car. LANDER Cretins! INT. D’AMATO HOME-NIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM Paul is buzzing around the room in Mr. D’Amato’s electric wheelchair. He stops by a large container of bloody Mary mix on the table and pours himself another glass. IN THE BACK ROOM Paul buzzes into the room in the wheelchair. He circles the couches and comes to a stop. He looks up at the paintings and raises his drink. PAUL To the arbiters of truth. He closes his eyes spins around in the chair and points at the wall. He wheels over to a painting by SOLARIO. It depicts Christ being crucified on the cross. He studies it. EXT. SEEDY BAR-NIGHT A small shabby bar in a predominantly Latino area of Los Angeles. INT. SEEDY BAR-DAY The bar is noisy and crowded. Lander enters and is given the once over by the patrons. In an attempt to toughen his image he is wearing an overabundance of leather. He approaches the BARTENDER who works the cash register. A customer walks by bumping Lander who spills a beer on a stool with a jacket on it. LANDER (to Bartender) Excuse me, sir. I am looking for an individual named Clemente. 50 BARTENDER In the corner. In the corner, we see CLEMENTE (20s) wiry and unshaven, at a booth slumped over several bottles of beer. Lander walks over to him. Clemente looks up and smiles. CLEMENTE Hi, buddy. LANDER My name is Louie. May I sit down? CLEMENTE Sure, buddy. Lander sits down. A LARGE MAN walks by adjusting his fly. LANDER I was told you could do a score for me. CLEMENTE If you got any moola, I’m your man. LANDER Fine. Now, I have some photos and all the necessary information. He pulls some photos out of his bag. Clemente looks them over. CLEMENTE If the price is right, you’ll get it within a few days. The large man is now at the bar and he’s pissed. LARGE MAN (loudly) Who the fuck spilled beer on my jacket? Everyone looks at Lander. The large man heads towards him. CLEMENTE I hope you got a knife, buddy. The large man pulls Lander from the booth and stands him up by the collar. 51 LARGE MAN I’m gonna fuck you up. Lander attempts to take a tough posture. LANDER Look fella, where I’m coming from, you don’t want to even dare to comprehend. Continue this course and I’ll rush destructively to the center of your world! The large man loosens his grip for a second as if confused. Then he turns mad again. LANDER All right, fine. Let’s talk compensation. EXT. HOFFMAN GALLERY-NIGHT We are close in on a flyer that says PUBLIC SERVICE PERFORMED BY MAX SHIBLER. A crowd of people enters the gallery. INT. HOFFMAN GALLERY-NIGHT People mill about drinking champagne from plastic cups. In the corner of the gallery is a small temporary stage with video cameras circling it. A wooden chest sits on the stage. Alexander and MRS HOFFMAN chat with some people. BY THE BATHROOM A sleazy artist by the name of RUDOLPH (20s) grabs Alexander before he enters. RUDOLPH I need my money. ALEXANDER I don’t have it yet. Now I’ve told you... RUDOLPH I painted now I want my money. ALEXANDER (looking around) Keep your voice down. Maybe if you had done a better job I would have received the money for them by now. 52 RUDOLPH I can do Degas in my sleepALEXANDER Then try sleeping next time. Get away from me, will you? Alexander goes in the bathroom. AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE Lee and Karen enter with the crowd. Paul comes in close behind. He notices the champagne table next to him and downs several glasses. IN THE BATHROOM Lander and Alexander are in a heated argument. ALEXANDER What do you mean, not yet? LANDER The first hire was apprehended but I’m positive that the new hire will successfully complete... ALEXANDER You assured me that this would be taken care of. LANDER It’s difficult to find people with the competent immorality... ALEXANDER (not listening) First, your buyer questions the DegasLANDER It was the Mexican assistant. ALEXANDER Meaning? 53 LANDER Apparently upon viewing the works his hemorrhoids began to bleed furiously and he experienced some angina... ALEXANDER Hemorrhoids? LANDER Mrs. D’Amato saw this as some sort of sign... Alexander charges Lander and puts his hands around his throat. ALEXANDER I will not go down because of bleeding hemorrhoids, do you hear? The money laundering, forgeries, everything. You go with me. LANDER It will be taken care of, Alexander. Just give me a few days to... ALEXANDER I don’t have anymore time. Certain organizations are demanding money from me. The bathroom stall opens and Jerome with a joint in his hand walks out. Lander and Alexander stare at him. JEROME Don’t mean to interrupt or nothing. Just kicking in the can, you know? BY THE STAGE Karen stands in the crowd. Paul drunkenly approaches her from behind. PAUL KarenKaren turns around. Her smile fades. KAREN I can’t believe this. Karen turns to leave but Paul grabs her. 54 PAUL KarenKAREN Let go of me. She pulls away and moves through the audience. The houselights dim and a light illuminate the stage. A DOMINATRIX clad in a small leather outfit walks on the stage followed by a razor thin, sickly MAX SHUBLER. He wears nothing but a leather diaper and several body piercings. Karen meets up with Lee who is holding some drinks. Paul stands next to them. KAREN Someone else is herePAUL I’m someone now. Someone. The dominatrix takes a bottle that appears to contain urine out of the trunk. She opens it and proceeds to splash Max. KAREN What do you want, Paul? PAUL (Christ-like) I’m here for forgiveness. KAREN I forgive you now please leave. PAUL I’m here to forgive you for your indiscretions. LEE (to Paul) Take off. PAUL I have the power to forgive. I love you Karen and I want to marry you. KAREN (to Paul) Will you just please leave us alone? 55 PAUL I love everything about you. LEE I’ve had about enough of you. The dominatrix is now pelting Max with cream pies. PAUL I love your face. I love your earsKAREN My ears are too big. PAUL I love them. Why aren’t they even bigger? I accept you for you. I accept the pain that you cause me. KAREN I don’t want to be accepted by you. PAUL Can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be seared? Max removes his diaper. The dominatrix removes a nail gun from the trunk. PAUL Can a man take fire to his bosom and his clothes not be burned? KAREN I don’t know you anymore. I don’t want to know you anymore. PAUL And the rooster crowed three timesLEE That’s it. Lee shoves Paul into a group of people. A WOMAN in the group is indignant. WOMAN (to Paul) 56 You’re interrupting the performance. PAUL (to woman) I am being bruised for her iniquities(glances up at the stage) What the hell is he doing? Max holds a pine board about groin high. WOMAN The nailing of the penis represents ultimate suffering. Paul moves towards Karen but Lee pushes him to the ground. LEE Stay down. I won’t say it again. Paul struggles to get up. PAUL I must turn the other cheekLee kicks him down again. Paul is getting pissed. BLAM! BLAM! The dominatrix nails away. PAUL (springing up) Verily I sayPaul drives a knee into Lee’s groin. Lee drops to his knees. LEE (in agony) You mother... PAUL You stay down or I’ll break you like bread. Lee charges Paul and they fall onto the stage. Most of the crowd is unsure whether this is part of the performance or not. Lee grabs the gun from the dominatrix. Paul tries hiding behind the pine board attached to Max’s penis. 57 The lights go down. Lee realizes he’s out of nails and charges Paul. Paul grabs a nail from the ground and throws it at Lee. It hits him in the eye. Lee screams and tackles Paul. They fall behind the stage. On the floor, out of sight from most of the crowd, Lee gets on top of Paul. He pulls a gun from his jacket and sticks it in Paul’s face. LEE (wiping blood from his eye) Take my eye? Consider yourself planted, motherfucker. You’re a dead man. You hear me? Dead! Lee smacks the butt of the gun across Paul’s face. As he puts the gun in his jacket Alexander and Lander come over. ALEXANDER I’m going to have to ask you gentleman to leave. Holding on to his pine board, Max comes over and takes a look at Paul’s face. MAX That looks painful. INT. POLICE PRECINCT-DAY Detective Aquinas walks through the hallway of a police station with some paperwork. He enters an office marked ART CRIMES DIVISION. INT. DETECTIVE AQUINAS’S OFFICE-DAY The office is cluttered with art and sculptures. Aquinas enters to see Anita with his feet up on the desk and a large book open in front of him. ANITA (looking at book) So that’s it. AQUINAS That’s what? ANITA Guys downstairs told me you’re first case was in 69’ when the Italians brought the Carravagio over here on display. 58 AQUINAS Out of my seat, Sherlock. Anita gets up and Aquinas sits down. ANITA Armed thugs stole John the Baptist from downtown in broad daylight. It’s never been seen since and its whereabouts are considered the greatest mystery in the art world. AQUINAS Gosh, you’ve got a big brain. ANITA The guys speculate some underworld boss... AQUINAS The guys spend way too much time bullshitting now lets get back to workANITA The painting I saw you rip up was a forged Carravagio. AQUINAS Look who suddenly got a discerning eye. You look at some pretty pictures in books now you want fly in the rarified atmosphere of Carravagio. ANITA Not at all. Just want to learn about my partner. AQUINAS You want to learn about me, I’ll supply you with a stool sample. An OFFICER enters the room. OFFICER We got an ID on the gun. A real estate agent named Paul Kant. He hands the detective the paperwork. 59 DETECTIVE Let’s have a unit sit on him. Get Isaac and Hayes. OFFICER Yes sir. Also a guy named Jerome is on line three for you. Aquinas picks up the phone. AQUINAS (on phone) What have you got for me, Jerome? INT. EMPTY HOUSE-DAY An empty home in a nice area of Los Angeles. The house is on a winding street up in the hills. The home is older, maybe 30 years old. A distracted Paul, unshaven, disheveled, with a large bruise on his face is showing prospective buyers PETER and RUTH SWANSON (In their early 40s) around the place. They know the routine and are looking for any flaw they can find. RUTH It seems like so much for such a little house. Paul is listening but obviously distracted. PAUL (with no enthusiasm) Well, it certainly is a cozy house to spend a rainy night in that’s for sure. You will love swimming in the pool all year long. Ruth wanders in another room. She reappears. RUTH I don’t see any central air conditioning, Peter. PAUL The cross-ventilation in the living room is fantastic. Let me show you. He goes over to a window and attempts to open it. It sticks. PAUL (struggling) 60 You’ll love the ocean breeze. PETER I thought we were 15 miles inland? PAUL It truly is amazing how that cool ocean breeze travels for such great distances. The window won’t budge. Paul gives up. Peter comes over to the window. PETER It won’t open. That’s not good. PAUL (with resignation) Well, whatever. Paul takes out a cellular phone. PETER (looking out the window) Is that a bus stop in the front? I didn’t notice it when we came in. PAUL (punching in number) Public transportation at your doorstep. It’s a great feature. PETER You’ve got to be kidding. PAUL Does it look like I’m kidding? IN THE HALLWAY The couple peers in the bathroom while Paul is on the phone. PETER There’s some moss in the corner of the ceiling. That means they’ve got a moisture problem. Paul peers in to have a look. 61 PAUL Maybe if you leave it alone it will grow into a lovely hanging garden. (on phone) She can’t be at lunch for three and a half hours so why don’t you try another lie-Hello? IN THE MASTER BEDROOM RUTH There is a strange smell in here, don’t you think? PETER I can smell it too. What exactly is that? By now, Paul has given up calling and is angrily attempting to twist the antenna off of his phone PAUL I have no idea. RUTH Well, it’s simply intolerable. PETER As the agent, you must have some idea what that is. PAUL You’ve got me. RUTH Intolerable, that smell. PETER We would like you to find out exactly what that smell is. PAUL It’s shit. PETER What did you say? 62 PAUL It’s shit. It’s the smell of shit. I forgot to tell you that the pipes to the septic tank are cracked and sometimes the shit just oozes up into the backyard. One of the nicer consequences is the flowers are absolutely gorgeous back there. PETER You must be joking. PAUL I hear it gets pretty gamy in here during the summer so I suggest from June on you sleep on the other side of the home. There of course, you have to put up with the noise from the freeway. Comes right through the walls. I think it’s because cockroaches have eaten away most of the insulation. Do you trust your wife Pete? You really shouldn’t trust women. It’s not natural. RUTH If this is your idea of a jokePAUL Joke? What joke? I’m helping you. You want the truth. You deserve it. You should know that the sound of a flushing a toilet in this house will bring Max Von Sydow to your door. That the leaky fire hydrant out front technically classifies the place as waterfront property. Pete if you ever catch her blowing some guy just start shooting. I suggest a double gauge. Covers a wide area which is important if your target flees. RUTH I want to leave now, Peter. PETER Damn right we are leaving. They leave the master bedroom. Paul’s in hot pursuit. 63 MOVING QUICKLY THROUGH THE HOME PAUL Don’t get mad at me. I’m just the messenger. Get mad at the guy down the street who has a methamphetamine lab in his garage and sells to the local children. EXT. HOUSE-DAY The Swansons burst out of the home. Paul is right behind them. PAUL Wait up guys. I didn’t get around to the Radon leaks. It’s like you and your wife gets 200 free xrays a year. PETER Laugh now funnyman. We’ll see what your employer has to say about your attitude. The couple gets in their car. PAUL What say we get the paperwork started? They drive off. Paul watches them from the front porch. INT. RICHARDS OFFICE-DAY Richard sits at his desk staring at Paul’s beat up and disheveled appearance. RICHARD Mr. Swanson left me a very long message. PAUL I take it the gist of it wasn’t positive. RICHARD No, it wasn’t. They’ve decided on a different firm to represent them. Can you explain why they would do something like that? PAUL I have no excuses. 64 Paul collapses into a chair. Richard gets up and approaches him. Paul reflexively tenses his shoulders. Richard walks behind him and starts to run his hands through Paul’s hair. RICHARD Such a nice head of hair. So full. Full like the promise I felt of you when you first came through my door a year ago. PAUL I guess it’s like my life, difficult to manage. RICHARD That’s cute. Very cute. I hired you because of your cuteness. Did you know that? PAUL Did I know I was cute? RICHARD If only you had a better opinion of yourself. PAUL You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself and how little I deserve it. Richard massages Paul’s temple. RICHARD What can we do for Paulie? Paul jerks up from the chair. PAUL I’ve got to tell you, Richard. RICHARD Yes? PAUL I really- well to be honest- you really- I can’t stand you touching me. RICHARD What do you mean? 65 PAUL I mean that it makes me physically ill when you put your hands on me and I think that it is inappropriate behavior in the workplace. RICHARD I see. Richard stares at him for a second and then returns to his desk. RICHARD I’ve decided to let you go. Please clean out your desk by the end of the day. PAUL You can’t fire me because I won’t have sex with you. RICHARD I’m firing you because you haven’t closed a single deal since you started here and how dare you accuse me of being a homosexual! PAUL (backing down) All right maybe I made a mistake RICHARD Leave this office! PAUL I don’t think your gay. Straight men can be affectionate. Look at the FrenchRICHARD Leave or I will call security, Mr. Kant. PAUL Stop it with the Mr. Kant. It’s PaulieRICHARD This conversation is finished. PAUL (desperate) It’s so hard to read the signals. 66 Paul walks toward Richard. Richard picks up the phone. RICHARD (on phone) I need security in herePaul’s desperation fades and an angry side takes over. PAUL Yeah, well fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid lectures. Fuck your massages and fuck your silver coin. Hayden won his coin toss and he didn’t get shit. RICHARD (on phone) I’m being verbally abused and threatened. As he heads for the door Paul knocks over a statue of a male torso door. Richard has a horrified look on his face. PAUL Highest form of artistic expression my ass! INT. KAREN’S BEDROOM-NIGHT The moonlight shines through the curtains as Lee and Karen lay in bed making passionate love. Lee finishes with a shudder. Karen rolls off of him completely satisfied. She grabs a joint from the night table. KAREN You’re one incredible lover. LEE Yeah, wellKAREN I mean it. I never even had an orgasm with Paul. LEE That’s not surprising. Did he have a small dick? KAREN Hung like a light switch. They laugh. 67 KAREN Have you got a lighter on your side, honey? CRASH! Paul kicks down the door. He has a flame-thrower attached to his back. PAUL Let me spark that up for you, darling. The bed is engulfed in flames. There is horrific screaming. INT. D’AMATO HOME-NIGHT IN THE LOCKED ROOM Paul wakes up from the horrible dream. He rubs his sweating face and takes a gulp of a bloody Mary. He stares at a painting by CEZANNE called STRANGLED WOMAN. It’s a violent image of a man bent over a woman with his hands furiously strangling her. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT A sedan sits outside Karen’s apartment building. INT. SEDAN-NIGHT ISAAC and HAYES, two black detectives sit in a sedan on stakeout. Coffee cups and fast food wrappers litter the car. ISAAC Let me try this again. What you’re saying is I can’t believe in the existence of God unless I am aware of his absence. HAYES Exactly. ISAAC Why don’t I get it? HAYES Let me try it this way. If you knew nothing but the experience of blue, you would also be without the experience of blueness because this experience consists in the distinction of colors. 68 ISAAC That’s some heavy shit. How about green? HAYES You’re missing... (looks out window) I think that’s Kant’s car. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT Paul parks his car and gets out. He approaches Karen’s apartment building warily. INT. KAREN’S APARTMENT-NIGHT Karen in bathrobe and wet hair rushes to the door. The door opens to reveal Paul. Karen’s face notably darkens. PAUL I need to come in. KAREN This is stalking, Paul. PAUL Oh, stop that. Stalking is to pursue stealthily. Does this look like stealth to you? You have to let me in. She tries to shut the door but Paul pushes it open and walks in. KAREN I’m calling the police! PAUL Oh, please. IN THE BEDROOM He fumbles through the closet looking for something. PAUL Where’s my gun? KAREN Why do you need that? 69 PAUL (going through a box) I’m exercising a constitutional right. KAREN Why do you want it? PAUL Why else would an extremely depressed and bitter person want a firearm, Karen? KAREN You’re trying to trick mePAUL Those words will torture you for the rest of your natural life. However long that may be. KAREN I gave the gun to Lee. PAUL What? KAREN He said he needed it. PAUL He needed it? To rub my Smith and Wesson on your breasts while he fucks you on a mattress stuffed with cash? KAREN What are you talking about? PAUL He’s a hoodlum, Karen. That’s what hoodlums do with their women. KAREN Lee is not a hoodlum. 70 PAUL OK well, listen, gun moll. Any gangster worth his dick has ten broads like you ready to milk his gonads on short notice. But you think you’re special. KAREN Get out of my apartment! Paul stands up and goes to the kitchen. He searches through the drawers and pulls out a knife. PAUL (studying the knife) Just too bloodyPAUL Is there any rope in the house? KAREN This is a cheap and pathetic tactic to scare me and it’s not working. PAUL What kind of medication do you have in the bathroom? KAREN I’m calling the police! PAUL Fine. Maybe we can create some sort of hostage situation and we can both be taken out by SWATKAREN Just leave me alone! She slaps him in the face. Hard. He looks at her. Turning, he walks out the door. EXT.APARTMENT BUILDING-NIGHT Paul heads to his car in a head of angry steam. He reaches into his pocket and searches for his keys. Not there. Scanning the inside of the car he notices them in the ignition. 71 PAUL Fuck me! Fucking fucked motherfucker! He looks around on the ground and sees a small cinder block. He picks it up and promptly smashes the car window. INT. SEDAN-NIGHT Isaac and Hayes watch Paul. ISAAC That’s one pissed motherfucker. INT. PAUL’S CAR-DAY As Paul starts his car and pulls away from the curve. INT. PAUL’S CAR (MOVING)-NIGHT Paul is driving like a madman. He makes a sudden turn. EXT. WEST LA STREET-NIGHT Paul’s car skids to a stop at a light. The sedan with Isaac and Hayes pulls up next to him. INT. PAUL’S CAR-NIGHT Paul glances over at the two detectives who look back. He glances over again and they look back. INT. PAUL’S CAR-NIGHT PAUL (to himself) Prominent Century City real estate agent gunned down by underworld hit menEXT. WEST LA INTERSECTION-NIGHT The light is still red but Paul guns it through the intersection. INT. SEDAN – NIGHT HAYES What the hell is he doing? ISAAC We’ve been made72 EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT Clemente’s broken down Toyota blows thick clouds of smoke as it struggles to get up the massive hill. INT. TOYOTA (MOVING)-NIGHT Clemente leans forward, grinds the gears and tries to will the car up the hill. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT The Toyota is almost to the top. It crawls to a stop and begins to roll backwards. INT. TOYOTA (MOVING)-NIGHT A panic stricken Clemente as he realizes the emergency break is out. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT The Toyota picks up speed as it careens downhill. INT. TOYOTA (MOVING)-NIGHT Clemente looks in his rearview mirror and navigates down the hill. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD(BOTTOM OF HILL)-NIGHT Paul’s car is driving like a madman through the neighborhood at the bottom of the hill. The sedan with the two detectives is in pursuit. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD (INTERSECTION)-NIGHT Clemente’s Toyota spins around twice and comes to a stop in the middle of an intersection at the bottom of the hill. INT. TOYOTA-NIGHT Clemente breathes a sigh of relief. He notices a light beginning to illuminate the inside of the Toyota. He turns to the window to see Paul’s car bearing down on him. He screams. INT. PAUL’S CAR (MOVING) – NIGHT A look of horror crosses Paul’s face. PAUL Jesus! 73 EXT.D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD (INTERSECTION)-NIGHT Paul’s Honda swerves around Clemente’s car and heads up the hill. INT. TOYOTA-NIGHT Clemente relaxes again. It’s short-lived. INT. SEDAN(MOVING)-NIGHT Isaac and Hayes scream as they see Clemente’s car in the middle of the road. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD (INTERSECTION)-NIGHT The sedan plows into the side of Clemente’s Toyota. EXT. ART GALLERY-DAY A high-end gallery located in Beverly Hills. INT. ART GALLERY BACK ROOM-DAY Aquinas and Anita enter the back door and walk through the back room, which is cluttered with paintings and sculptures. ANITA How does this gallery tie in with the robberies? AQUINAS If my hunch is correct, it’s a front for money laundering. Anita stops and examines a painting and grimaces. ANITA What the hell is that? AQUINAS (studying it) I believe it’s called Dad’s Vagina. ANITA That’s awful. What do you think? AQUINAS The blues seem muddy and the picture lacks clarity. Overall, the painter seems to be saying see how painfully serious I am. 74 ANITA I mean what do you think of putting a vagina on a man? AQUINAS Art is meant to disturb, Anita. IN THE MAIN GALLERY The pair works their way to the entrance to the main gallery. As we move around a large sculpture we can see TWO LARGE UNSAVORY HENCHMEN bent over a chair with their hands on a terror stricken Alexander. HENCHMAN #1 Twenty-four hours to get the money or you get peeled like a banana. They notice the approaching detectives. AQUINAS (to henchmen) Art cops. Let’s just keep the hands where I can see them. He waves his badge at them. They straighten up unsure of what to do next. AQUINAS I want answers about some art robberies and I want them now. The two henchmen start slowly backing towards the front door. AQUINAS You boys make another move and I’ll drop you like... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A henchman whips out a weapon and starts spraying the room. Aquinas hits the deck behind a counter. Anita ducks behind a large statue by RODIN called EVE. AQUINAS Not behind the Rodin, Anita. Use your head dammit! 75 Anita moves over behind an ugly contemporary sculpture of metal and starts firing. EXT. ART GALLERY-DAY The henchmen back out of the front door and run out to a parked car in front. They pile in and speed off. Anita comes out with his gun drawn and watches them drive away. INT. ART GALLERY-DAY Detective Aquinas struggles to his feet and walks over to Alexander who is on the ground paralyzed with fear. Anita comes back in. ANITA Can you believe that? Jesus Christ. AQUINAS (to Alexander) Who are your friends Mr. Hoffman? ALEXANDER I don’t know. I don’t know anything. AQUINAS Anita, run the curator downtown for a chat. INT. HOSPITAL WARD-DAY A crowded Hospital Ward with NURSES and PATIENTS moving about. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY The room contains three PATIENTS in various arrangements on their beds. A NURSE and ORDERLY push a gurney into the room. Lying on it is Clemente bandaged from head to toe. They move him next to a patient who is lying on his stomach with his ass up in the air. This is MARIO, (40s) the D’Amato’s assistant. She and the assistant move Clemente gingerly onto the bed. NURSE There we go now, Mr. Clemente. I think you will enjoy this room. This is Mario and he speaks Spanish also. Say hello, Mario. MARIO Hello. 76 NURSE No silly, in Spanish. Mario and Clemente look at each other. The nurse and orderly leave. MARIO (in Spanish) What happened to you? Clemente looks at him. INT. D’AMATO HOME - NIGHT IN THE FRONT HALLWAY The house is dark. Paul approaches the door warily. HAYDEN (OFF) You in there, Paul? C’mon open up. Paul opens the door. Hayden comes in. PAUL Did you bring it? HAYDEN I brought it but my wife will kill me if she sees that it’s missing. PAUL Let me see it. Hayden pulls a revolver from his jacket. Paul grabs it. PAUL Is it loaded? HAYDEN Hell no. Here. He gives him a baggy with some bullets in it. HAYDEN If you think this guy Lee is really out to kill you, you should go to the police. 77 PAUL Be serious. This is L.A. I’d have to be murdered before they decided the threat was credible. IN THE LOCKED ROOM Hayden stands in the middle of the room looking at the masterpieces while Paul fondles the gun. HAYDEN This is some collection. PAUL Told you it was amazing. HAYDEN This guy must be really loaded. PAUL My guess is they’re stolen. HAYDEN Really? PAUL The husband used to be a Mafia boss. HAYDEN How do you know that? PAUL Trust me, you don’t need a road map with these people. INT. POLICE PRECINCT-NIGHT INTERROGATION ROOM A smoke filled room with Aquinas, Anita and Alexander sitting at a small table. A light shines into Alexander’s face. Aquinas leans into him. ALEXANDER My throat is parched and that lightAQUINAS Hey, do me a favor. Don’t start breaking my heart awright? 78 ALEXANDER I don’t know what this is about. AQUINAS Stop jerking us offALEXANDER I have nothing to say. Shouldn’t you be out rousting crack whores instead of bothering decent citizens of the community? Aquinas paces the room. AQUINAS Anita, run down to the gallery and bring back the Gustav Klimt in the front room. Gut feeling tells me that work is a forgeryANITA (fumbling for pad) Klimt? ALEXANDER That Klimt is fully authenticated! AQUINAS Bring me the Cosimo tapestry also, the one with the scrolled foliate borderALEXANDER You bastard! AQUINAS Play ball, curator or I’ll test every piece in your gallery. ALEXANDER I demand certain assurances! AQUINAS I don’t assure art slime I bust them. Now talk! INT VAN (MOVING)-NIGHT Nick, Lee and Herb are in a van. Nick is driving. Lee has a patch on one eye and squints to see a map with the other one. 79 HERB You look pretty cool with the eye patch. LEE Never mind that. HERB Did you sell the Renoir nude? LEE We’re taking it down to Mexico on the boat after we grab the Degas nudes. HERB You know, I’d take a Renoir nude over a Degas nude any day. Degas always made his nudes look like animals cleaning themselves. Renoir gave his chicks class. NICK I don’t know, I kind of like them unadorned. HERB Give me the classical prototypes of Venus’s and nymphs any day. NICK I like to see women toweling off and stuff. HERB Bush should be idealized. LEE Do we have everything? NICK How do you like your bush, Carlos? LEE Will you shutup with the bush? EXT. HOSPITAL-NIGHT The front entrance of a local hospital. A black limousine is parked out front. Mario gingerly approaches in a wheelchair. The window slides down and we can see the face of Mrs. D’Amato. 80 MARIO I hope we are not too late. The house sitter won’t pick up the phone. MRS D’AMATO Get in the car, Mario. INT. D’AMATO HOME-NIGHT IN THE LOCKED ROOM Hayden and Paul are plastered on bloody Marys. Hayden lies on the couch and Paul stands next to a painting by BECKMAN called THE ROOM. It shows insane people undergoing various forms of torture. PAUL You know what she took from me? My identity. HAYDEN You had one? PAUL I see that now. Paul stumbles around the room looking at the paintings. PAUL My entire fucking belief system. HAYDEN If you could just read the signs of attraction you wouldn’t have gotten into... PAUL I’ve heard about it, all right? Let me finish. All the beliefs about myself, other people, right and wrong, the future, everything. Everything must now be called into question. HAYDEN I have a theoryPAUL Shutup. When fairness, logic and man’s relationship with God are called into question, well- there’s not much left is there. 81 HAYDEN Self-examination is in itself a good thing but I think you need to pull back a little here. Paul stumbles around the room. PAUL The men who painted these works knew. They knew. HAYDEN Knew what? PAUL I don’t know. Shutup, you’re confusing me. Hayden gets up. He walks over to the picture on the back wall. HAYDEN I think I know what you’re talking about. You’re saying that art allowed them to see beyond their marginal selves. It relieved them from the restraints of a demanding and stifled false life. There is no must in art because art is free. Art is truth. PAUL What the fuck are you talking about? HAYDEN Wrong? PAUL The point is that we are all born originals but we die copies, buddy. Fucking copies. HAYDEN On that alcohol stained noteHayden stumbles to the door. HAYDEN You, OK? 82 PAUL I’m fine. What do you think I’m going to do, shoot myself? HAYDEN Yeah, right. PAUL Just remember that you’re the only friend I ever had and that existence is a prison sentence that I cannot endure for one second longer. HAYDEN (too drunk to pay attention) Yeah, you too. Hayden leaves. Paul stares at the gun. CRASH! The sound of glass breaking. Paul bolts up. IN THE HALLWAY Gun in hand Paul tiptoes toward the living room. IN THE LIVING ROOM Paul warily enters the darkened living room. We hear movement in the corner. Paul aims in that direction. PAUL If that’s you Hayden you’d better say something or I’m going to start blasting. LANDER (OS) Please don’t shoot I’m unarmed. Paul turns on the lights. Lander dressed in black with a ski mask on nervously stands up holding one of the Degas nudes. Paul observes him for a moment and then relaxes. LANDER Just here for a little B and E so there is no need for the use of deadly force. 83 PAUL I thought you were someone else. LANDER I’m not. I’m just a simple burglar named Louie. PAUL I thought you were here to kill me. LANDER There is absolutely no cause for alarmCRASH! From behind Paul we see the front door kicked in and Lee, Herb and Nick rush in. Before Paul can react, he’s shoved against the wall by Nick. Herb wielding a machete menaces Lander. HERB On the ground asshole! LANDER (laying down) Certainly. LEE (looking at Herb’s machete) Where the hell is your gun? HERB It’s kind of complicatedLee walks over to Paul and immediately recognizes him. LEE I don’t believe it. Lee puts his gun against the back of Paul’s head. LEE (to Nick) Check the rest of the place. LANDER A strange coincidence indeed. I was just in the process of looting this residen... 84 HERB (kicking Lander) Shutup! Lee shoves Paul on the ground next to Lander. He picks up the Degas and holds it about an inch from his eye and examines it. LEE You’re not much of a burglar. This Degas looks like a forgery. LANDER Of course it’s a forgery. Any discerning eye can see... LEE Shut your mouth! LANDER I didn’t mean to imply that your eye... Herb kicks Lander. Lee puts the painting down and rolls Paul onto his back. Standing over him, he removes his mask. LEE Surprise. I told you I would plant you motherfucker. PAUL (recognizing Lee) I wouldn’t be a motherfucker if you kept your mama of the street. LEE I’m going to enjoy this(to Herb) Give me thatHe grabs the machete and waves it menacingly in Paul’s face. PAUL Go ahead prick boy. If you’ve got the guts. LEE Oh, I’ve got the guts. 85 PAUL Then do it, prick boy! Nicks runs in excitedly. NICK You’re not going to believe what I foundLEE Hold onNICK A room full of art. MasterpiecesPAUL Don’t you touch that room! Paul scissor kicks taking his feet out from under him. He screams in pain as his good eye smacks into the side of a coffee table. Paul jumps to his feet. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Nick rakes the room with gunfire sending everyone for cover. LEE (grabbing his eye) Juan, you stupid- you’re gonna kill everyone! NICK That’s my bad(beat) It’s Hector just so you... LEE Just tell me what you found! NICK You won’t believe it. IN THE LOCKED ROOM His good eye bleeding and swelling, Lee is stunned by what he sees around him. LEE (giggling) 86 Solario, Matisse, Van Gogh- It’s unbelievable. It’s too easy, it’s just too easy. NICK How come she didn’t say anything about these works? LEE They are hot. They are all hot and they are all mine. He walks up to the lone painting on the far wall. He gets up close and squints fiercely to get a good look at it. Nick comes up behind him. NICK Isn’t that what’s his name? LEE That is the Holy Grail. INT. GARAGE-NIGHT The van is backed up to the garage and is being quickly loaded with two large canvas containers filled with art by Herb as Nick shoves Paul into the back of the van. HERB (to Lee) He can finger usLEE He’s being fed to the sharks so nobody going to finger... ISAAC (OS) FREEZE! THIS IS THE POLICE! A light shines on the van. EXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT Isaac and Hayes crouch behind their car as they shine a light at the van. ISAAC What should I say next? 87 ISAAC Try drop your weapons... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Their light is shot out. Suddenly the van screams out of the driveway and peels off down the road. INT DETECTIVE’S SEDAN(MOVING) –NIGHT Anita is driving and Aquinas is on the phone. AQUINAS (on phone) I said don’t heat them up! Well where are they headed? You lose them and I’m separating you two permanently! He puts the phone down. AQUINAS It’s amazing perps ever get caught in this townEXT. D’AMATO NEIGHBORHOOD-NIGHT The van screams down the hill followed by Isaac and Hayes sedan. D’Amato’s limo passes them. INT. LIMO-NIGHT Mrs. D’Amato, Mr. D’Amato and an uncomfortable Mario sit in the back. Luca is driving. MRS D’AMATO Follow that van, Luca. MARIO Shouldn’t we contact the police, Mrs. D’Amato? MRS D’AMATO Anthony taught me to never trust the police unless you’ve paid them off. MR D’AMATO (delirious) How many times do I have to tell you? Mix the pork chops in the sauce. 88 She removes a handgun from a compartment in the limo. MARIO What are you going to do with that, Mrs. D’Amato? MRS D’AMATO For heavens sake nothing, Mario. You need it to back up Luca. MARIO I’m still weak from the operationMRS D’AMATO Well you don’t expect me to whack someone now do you? INT. VAN (MOVING)-NIGHT Nick is driving. Lee is in the passenger seat. Paul, Lander and Herb are cramped in the back with the art. Paul looks closely at Lander. PAUL (to Lander) I know youLANDER (nervous) Possibly we met in a state correctional facility. Have you ever stayed at Joliet? HERB (to Lander) Hey, my brother did time at Joliet. He’s a karate expert. Used to get old Chinese people in the elevator and practice his kicks on them because they wouldn’t fight backLANDER Sounds like a lovely individual. HERB You don’t talk like an ex-con. 89 EXT. BOULEVARD-NIGHT The van speeds through a red light as Isaac’s sedan gets caught in the intersection. D’Amato’s limo snakes around the traffic and moves through the intersection. EXT. MARINA-NIGHT The marina parking lot is empty as the van pulls in. In the background we can see the masts of the many boats docked at the harbor. The van pulls next to the gate leading to the docks. INT-LIMO-NIGHT Mrs. D’Amato rolls the window down and looks at the marina. She inhales the salt air. MRS D’AMATO Luca, take us to the boat. EXT. DOCK - NIGHT Lee hurriedly pushes Paul and Lander along the pier. Behind them Herb and Nick each carry a container of art towards a large LUXURY CRUISER. IN THE PARKING LOT Detective Aquinas maneuvers his large frame out of the sedan. ON THE CRUISER Karen comes up out of the cabin of the boat to see everyone boarding. She is stunned to see Paul. KAREN (to Lee) What is he doing here? LEE He was at the place. I had no choice. Paul looks at Karen. PAUL The gun mollLee shoves Paul. 90 INT. CRUISER CABIN-NIGHT Paul and Lander are seated on the couch. Nick drops a pile of paintings on the floor and heads out. Karen enters and looks over the paintings. Paul does his best to avoid looking at her. KAREN These works- This is unbelievablePAUL Patty Hearst and her hot art. KAREN I just give him the addresses and he goes in and- He promised me this would be the last one. PAUL Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. KAREN It’s not such a big deal. He doesn’t kill people, OK? PAUL Your boyfriend is going to throw us overboard to the sharks. KAREN I’m sure he was just trying to frighten youPAUL Oh, well in that case my friend and I will relax. LANDER (to Karen) I believe he mentioned only him being thrown overboard. I have nothing to do with this man and I don’t wish to be tied with himPAUL Go fuck yourself, Louie. Lee steps down into the cabin with some art. KAREN You won’t hurt Paul, will you? 91 LEE Fuck yes I’m going to hurt him. ON THE DECK Nick is struggling to untie the ropes to the cruiser. NICK What kind of knot is this? HERB Learned that on a tuna boat. Never told you about my time... AQUINAS ART COPS, FREEZE! EVERYBODY KEEP THEIR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! ON THE PIER Aquinas and Anita have their guns drawn. Herb and Nick raise their hands. ANITA (to Aquinas) Where the hell is our backup? AQUINAS Moving in as we speakFARTHER DOWN THE PIER Isaac is trying to pull a panicked Hayes out of the water with his good arm. ISAAC That’s it, keep kickingON THE PIER Aquinas and Anita keep their guns aimed at Herb and Nick. AQUINAS Very slowly lie down stomach first on the deck with your hands spread out palms down. Lee appears holding a gun to Karen’s head. 92 LEE Drop the weapons or the bitch dies! KAREN (under her breath) You’re hurting my armAQUINAS (recognizing Lee) That you, Richter? You out of Chino already? LEE Don’t make me kill her, Aquinas. AQUINAS Don’t lay your shit off on me, Richter. If you kill her, you’re doing it not me. I’m not making you do it. LEE I’ll kill the bitch! AQUINAS Drop the weapon! KAREN (under her breath, struggling) I don’t want to do this anymore and stop calling me a bitchLEE (to Karen) Shutup! (to Aquinas) We are leaving and you’re not doing anything or I’ll splatter her head all over this dock! AQUINAS You know I can’t let you leave. Let’s just calm down and talk about thisLEE I’m loaded with art, Aquinas. From 17th century Venetians to Manet. You stop me and as God is my witness I’ll torch this boat! 93 AQUINAS YOU TORCH THAT BOAT AND I’LL SEE YOU GET THE CHAIR, BOY! LEE (to Herb) Shove off. HERB They’re going to shoot me if I... LEE Shove off dammit! Nick runs off to start the boat. ANITA We can’t just let him leave, Detective. The cruiser moves away from the pier. Aquinas watches helplessly. INT. BOAT CABIN (MOVING)-NIGHT In the cabin, Karen struggles with Lee as Lander and Paul sit tied up on the couch. KAREN Let go of me! (pulls away from him) Splatter my head? LEE Sit down! He throws her in a seat. KAREN This is not at all like you said. You said this wasn’t dangerous. You said it was funLANDER (to Lee) I want you to know that I’m in full support of this operation and I would be happy to help you with any... 94 LEE Knock it off! Lee climbs out of the cabin and locks the door. Karen starts to softly cry. Paul looks at her for a moment. PAUL Do you have any idea how teethy your head is? KAREN What? PAUL Like running a cheese grader up and down my dick. I have scars, you know. Paul smiles to himself. EXT. HARBOR-NIGHT A smaller and much faster craft pulls up alongside the cruiser. Luca appears on deck holding an automatic weapon followed by Mrs. D’Amato with a bullhorn. INT. CRUISER BRIDGE-NIGHT Lee, Nick and Herb look out the window at the boat. NICK It’s some old broad with a bullhorn. MRS. D’AMATO (OS) STOP THAT BOAT RIGHT NOW. HERB (to Lee) What do you wanna do? LEE (sarcastic) I guess pull over and beg for mercy- Just drive the damn boat! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! 95 EXT. HARBOR-NIGHT Luca is spraying bullets at the cruiser. INT. CRUISER BRIDGE-NIGHT Lee and his gang hit the deck. HERB Seems like lately everyone is shooting at usINT. CRUISER-NIGHT Bullets rip through the wall. Lander, Karen and Paul duck for cover. A bullet rips through a radio short circuiting it. A small fire breaks out with smoke starting to fill the cabin. LANDER This is simply intolerableKAREN (tugging at Paul) Oh, Jesus! Jesus, I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die! PAUL You’re pathetic, you know that? Paul stumbles to his feet and tries ramming the door. PAUL I gave up over this? INT. CRUISER BRIDGE-NIGHT Everybody has hit the floor. Lee pops up to fire his handgun. LEE I could use some help here! HERB I’ve only got the machete. Lee looks at Nick. NICK That’s an automatic weapon out there, Carlos. 96 EXT. HARBOR-NIGHT A harbor patrol boat races through the harbor. EXT. HARBOR PATROL BOAT-NIGHT Anita and Aquinas are on deck in lifejackets. Aquinas addresses the other OFFICERS board. AQUINAS (to officers) This is a hostage situation so there will be no firing unless directed by me. OFFICER #1 How many hostages? ANITA One female was seen.. AQUINAS (not listening) Not sure but they may be holding Italian Baroque, Impressionists, Neo-Classic, it may be a very judicious collection so let’s get them out safe. An officer sticks his head out from the bridge. OFFICER #2 We’ve got gunfire. INT. CRUISER BRIDGE-NIGHT Lee stands up to fire his gun but gets tagged in the side of the head. He falls to the ground. He wipes the blood from his ear. HERB (looking at Lee) There’s some irony here, you know. LEE (cupping his ear) The hell are you talking about? 97 HERB Van Gogh is your favorite artist and they shot your ear and now you look just like him. NICK I didn’t know Van Gogh wore an eye patchEXT. HARBOR PATROL BOAT-NIGHT The patrol boat approaches from the other side. Anita has a bullhorn. ANITA (into bullhorn) BOTH VESSELS DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED. EXT. D’AMATO BOAT-NIGHT Luca looks at Mrs. D’Amato. MRS D’AMATO You can stop when you finish the clip. EXT. CRUISER DECK-NIGHT The door to the cabin comes crashing down with Paul behind it. Lander and Karen step over him in a frantic effort to get out of the smoke-filled cabin. EXT. HARBOR PATROL BOAT-NIGHT The Patrol boat comes alongside the cruiser. ANITA Art Crimes Division! Down on the deck! Paul spots Lee with a rolled up painting sneaking out towards the front of the boat and takes off after him. Officers board the boat and surround Lander and Karen. Others battle the cabin fire with fire extinguishers. KAREN Help! They tried to rape me! LANDER The harlot lies! 98 Anita runs along the side of the boat after Lee. Spotting him, he aims his gun but Lee beats him to it. BLAM! Anita goes down. Aquinas rushes to him and cradles him in his arms. AQUINAS Oh God- Hold on boy –Just hold onANITA (in pain) It hurtsAQUINAS (to anyone) I need a doctor! (to Anita) Line of duty son. I’m proud to have you as a partner. ANITA Wear- wearAQUINAS Looks like in the chest. Center of gravityANITA Wear- wearing a vestAquinas opens Anita’s shirt to reveal he’s wearing a bullet-proof vest. AQUINAS Had me going there for a second. Shake it off son, we’re in a situation hereAquinas lets go of Anita and rumbles away. Lee is at the front of the boat with nowhere to go. Grabbing a line from the deck he throws it over the side and starts to climbs over the railing. PAUL YAAAAAHHHH! Paul dives down onto Lee from the top of the cabin. Lee tumbles onto the deck with Paul on top of him swinging fiercely but mostly missing. 99 PAUL Just wanted to thank you for helping me deal with some things in my life! Lee pushes him off and grabbing onto Paul attempts to throw him over the side. Paul clings desperately onto the railing. LEE Deal with that! AQUINAS It’s over, Richter! Aquinas and some other officers train their guns at Lee. LEE Nothing’s over! Not when I have thisHe defiantly unfurls the painting and waves it at Aquinas. This is CARRAVAGIO’S JOHN THE BAPTIST the painting that hung by itself in D’Amato’s secret room. AQUINAS (stunned) JohnLEE Me and the Baptist want safe passage out of here. An officer moves towards Lee. Lee aims his gun at John’s head. LEE I’ll blow this canvass all over the deck! Aquinas motions the officer back. AQUINAS Put the weapon down, RichterLEE You know I’m capable, AquinasAQUINAS It’s Carravagio. There was art before him... 100 LEE -and art after him and they weren’t the same I know, now back off! AQUINAS Just hold on, Richter. Hold on now. You really want to shoot the Baptist? LEE (weaker) I willAQUINAS Look at him all sullen and broodingLee nervously glances at the painting. AQUINAS RestlessLEE RestlessAQUINAS His body is firmLEE Firm- UnidealizedAQUINAS His robeLEE Such a deep redAQUINAS The shadowsLEE So blackAQUINAS The pietyLEE Yes, the piety101 AQUINAS Look at John, Richter. What do you see? Lee is losing it. LEE The honesty- Not some pose, some accommodation to external pressuresAQUINAS Some facade constructed to hide the truthLEE The truth, yesAQUINAS The truth on canvassLEE (sniffles) He used to touch me you know- it’s playtimetime to play(lowers painting) don’t tell mother- it’s OK -it’s our little secretAQUINAS It’s our secret, sonLEE (crying) You promised me a bike! Die, Poppa, Die! He points his gun at John but just before he can fire, Paul yanks him from behind and pulls him over the side of the boat into the ocean. Paul struggles to hold on with one hand while holding the Carravagio in the other. EXT. PARKING LOT-NIGHT Several police cars and paramedic vehicles are in the parking lot. Lee and his crew stand next to Karen all in handcuffs. Paul walks by with Aquinas. KAREN Tell them that they made me do it, Paul. Tell them that I was raped. All of them raped me. 102 HERB (to Karen) Give it up. KAREN Call me, Paul. Officers stand around the D’Amatos, Mario and Luca. MRS D’AMATO (to officer) Of course I have a permit for the weapon. Mario, show them the permit. MARIO What permit? MR D’AMATO (delirious) Check and see if he’s wearing a wirePaul and Aquinas walk up to a squad car where Anita supervises as the Carravagio is put into a container. ANITA I guess you got one back, Detective. AQUINAS We got one back, Anita. But, there’s still a lot out there waiting to be rescued. Still think Homicide is more exciting? ANITA No, but it may be safer. Aquinas turns to Paul. AQUINAS Had you figured wrong, Kant. PAUL Not the first. AQUINAS Couldn’t save any other works on that boat. Tell me what else was in that cabin. 103 PAUL I don’t know much about artists. AQUINAS Just tell me what you sawPAUL There was the one of Christ hanging on the cross. Done in deep shadows and earthy naturalismAQUINAS My God, Solario’s Jesus! PAUL This great one of a guy strangling this chickAQUINAS The Cezanne! PAUL Whatever, and this blurry one of a cityscape- FADE OUT THE END 104