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					Subject: an impending tragedy
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 01:50:07 CST
To: Johanna

It seems I will not be making it to class tomorrow. A tarot-card-reading friend of mine gave me a reading
earlier tonight, and it turns out that attending school tomorrow would result in me slipping on ice
somewhere near the intersection of 25th and Cedar, breaking my ankle and just generally putting a
damper on my whole semester. As a practicing pagan, going to school tomorrow would be neglecting
my religious duties, and is therefore entirely out of the question. No use sympathizing over my
misfortune; I have plenty of reading to catch up on, and it is freezing outside besides.

-Mike

Subject: Re: an impending tragedy
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:13:57 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Very impressive. Very impressive indeed. I'm sorry to be responding to your message so late.
Someone in our department opened that virus and I haven't been able to check my e-mail. Thanks for
letting me know, though. And thanks for the very entertaining message. Now, I want you to go through
the message and indicate whether each of your participles is functioning adverbially or adjectivially.
Have it on my desk by Friday.
Tee hee.

Johanna

Subject: Re: an impending tragedy
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 12:47:08 CST
To: beck0096 beck????@umn.edu

Not going to make it to class today. The ex-wife's in town. Need to go over legal documents with our
lawyers and all that hooplah. Then a romantic night on the town. Sent the kids to the grandparents
house. They're still recovering from the divorce. No need to worry about them; they're tough kids. I
could probably make it to class today, but I need time to clean up the apartment. If the ex comes over
and sees a mess, I'll never hear the end of it.

-Mike

Subject: Re: an impending tragedy
From: Johannah <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 15:10:54 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
I swear you have the most elaborate excuses. Always entertaining. Thanks for letting me know about
your absence. We'll actually be finishing up 24B on Monday and then taking the Ch. 25 vocab quiz. I'll
see you then (perhaps!).

Have a lovely time with the ex.

Johanna

Subject: heading up north
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Feb 2004 12:24:54 CST
To: Johannah <beck????@umn.edu>

Not going to be able to make it to class today. An Old friend of mine got into town last night, and he
insists on going deer hunting today. I explained to him that I'm in college, and that I have all these
responsibilities, but he's just a crazy old war vet and he says if I don't go hunting with him he's going to
go after Rumsfield to try to impress Janet Jackson or some shit. So, for the sake of this great nation, I'm
staying home today.

-Mike

-Also, I'm writing this e-mail from my friend's computer, and the text is showing up the same color as
the background, so I can't see a damn word I type. I apologize for any spelling errors.

Subject: Re: heading up north
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Feb 2004 14:41:40 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Same color, eh? That's kind of cool. We didn't get all the way through Exercitia today, so be sure to
bring it with you tomorrow. Also, the "quiz" will actually be a take-home worksheet due on Thursday.

Catch ya later.

Johanna

Subject: heading up north
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 12:24:54 CST
To: Johannah <beck????@umn.edu>

 No keys. No keys. After tearing my room apart I've come up with a key to my car door and a key to the
downstairs front door. This is a start, but ultimately this will not cut it. I need my keys. Talking about a
locksmith for the car. Nobody wants that. Time to tear the living room apart.

-Mike
Oh, also, I won't be able to make it to class tomorrow because I was rushed to the hospital today after
having two heart attacks during dinner, and now I'm scheduled for quadrupal bypass surgery tomorrow
at 1:25. Talk about a headache.

Re: my keys are AWOL
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 08:31:41 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Tee hee.

Johanna

Subject: how awkward
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 09 Feb 2004 04:41:33 CST
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

No class for me tomorrow. I'm sick. Bad case of the French disease. These things happen. You
understand.

-Mike

Subject: a budding young ac-tor
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Feb 2004 03:53:54 CST
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

I guess I won't be there tomorrow. I'm acting in some play called "The Midsummer Night Dream" or
something like that. Anyway, the guy who's playing this fairy Puck came down with some sort of
"influenza" or something. Well anyway, I'm supposed to be the understudy, and I mean, I haven't even
read the script or anything, so I guess I'll be working on that or something tomorrow. I guess it's not like
a big deal or anything, though, cause I heard the play sucks an ass.

-Mike

Subject: Re: a budding young ac-tor
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Feb 2004 07:43:25 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Now, that's a good excuse. Consider yourself excused for forgetting to send an excuse last week.

Tee hee,

Johanna

Subject: passion my ass, this sucks!
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 2004 05:13:27 CST
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

No class for this boy tomorrow. Someone's gone and nailed me to these two crisscrossed boards. Lord
knows why. Thankfully my faithful mother is taking diction on her laptop. And thank Christ for laptops!
Hell, you'd never expect my absence otherwise! I'm sure I'll be back in a few days. That seems to be the
way of these things. Sure is damn tempting to ask for some help...

-Mike

Re: passion my ass, this sucks!
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 2004 08:12:26 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Wow, Mike. That's pretty offensive. But too funny to delete. Very clever. Now let's never speak of this
again.

Johanna

Subject: theres no place like home, perhaps
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 12:56:08 CST
To: Johanna beck0096@umn.edu

Oh boy but aren't I detained. Tornado came through town. Picked my house up and tossed it God knows
where. Took my younger sister and her little dog too. Of course she's got a cell phone, and she's called,
and I guess she's doing just fine, but she's surrounded by droves of little vulgar men in pointy hats. You
wouldn't think these folk obscene, but apparently that's how they get when you turn the cameras off. I
can't have my little sister subjected to that. So I'll be off looking for the house and sister and dog. Likely
to take a couple days. I sincerely apologize, but I promise I'll make it to class Thursday and Friday. I'll
even come early.

-Mike

Subject: Re: theres no place like home, perhaps
From: Johanna <beck0096@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 13:10:31 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Damn the umpah lumpahs. What gives?

Thanks, once again, for such an entertaining excuse. I hope you find your sister and her little dog.
Terrifying, really.

Wheelock doesn't do the best job at explaining the sequence of tenses in Ch. 30. I made a handout to
make it a little more clear, so be sure to ask me for it when you return from your journey.
Best of luck.

Johanna

Subject: an art explosion
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 14:22:32 CST
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

I know I promised I'd be in class today. I'm terribly sorry I missed. I almost came. Deadline for the Art
Words competition is at four today (clock shining 2:17 currently). Finished writing my submission at
1:50. Planned on running to class, but didn't. Probably would only have caught the last 10 minutes.
Maybe worth it, maybe not. I'm going to make a serious effort to attend class next week. Every day of it.
Maybe not Friday.

-Mike

P.S. Naw, I'm just messing with you. Seriously though, a girl I know was borrowing my car yesterday and
apparently it exploded on the freeway. I have to go identify the teeth today, cause her parents won't
shut up about this "closure" crap. What a pain in the ass. Women drivers.

Subject: Re: an art explosion
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 07:13:21 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Women drivers, eh? Watch it. Would you believe I had to cancel class at the last minute on Friday? I
did. I'll explain later. Obviously you didn't miss much. Today we'll finish up Ch. 30 exercitia and then
start in on Ch. 31. No vocab quiz, though.

See you in class.

Johanna

Subject: its cold outside
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 04:00:05 CST
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

I'm not coming in to class tomorrow. Some joker has gone and stolen my clothes. All of them. While I
was sleeping. Cracks me up that I didn't wake up. Anyway, it's my worst nightmare to accidentally
attend school naked, and were I to come tomorrow I'd have to live that out. I'm sure it's just as horrible
as it's cracked up to be. Until I sort this mess out I'll be staying home. I imagine I'll crack this case by
tomorrow evening, so I'll see you on Tuesday.

-Mike

 Re: its cold outside
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 08:15:00 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Where do you get this stuff? I certainly understand your desire to attend class only when clothed, but
you had a 5-day streak going. Oh well, good luck crackin' the case.

Johanna

Subject: I’m busy and the buses are on strike, which i support, mind you.
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 03:23:27 CST
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

I can't come to class tomorrow because my car is out of gas and I'd ask my roommate to give me a ride
but he doesn't have a car and my other roommate is working tomorrow and I can't walk to school
because I have an American Lit test to study for and walking would be like an hour and a half roundtrip
and I'm so busy with *private issues* that I can't spare an hour and a half because I'd never pass my
American Lit test and if I don't pass my American Lit test I won't have a good enough GPA to do a
summa thesis and if I don't do a summa thesis I won't get into a good grad school and if I don't get into a
good grad school I won't become an epic literary figure and if I don't become an epic literary figure my
future wife will suffer from unfulfilled expectations and if my future wife will suffer then my marriage
will suffer and if my marriage will suffer than the kids will suffer and if the kids will suffer then I'll end up
in prison. And I don't want to go to prison. Can I take the vocab quiz on Thursday?

-Mike

Subject: Re: im busy and the buses are on strike, which i support, mind you.
From: Johanna <beck0096@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 09:04:27 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Yeah, I'm still amused. How can I say no to an excuse like that? Of course you can take the vocab on
Thursday.

I will see you then.

Johanna

Subject: my density
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:48:29 CST
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

Sorry I didn't make it to class today. Not my fault, really - the Doc had his clocks set back eight minutes
and I missed my ride. Then Einstein disappeared and the Libyans found us and I had this problem with
my hand and it was just a big mess. Plus my parents were acting really odd about the whole thing. Thank
god I know how to play guitar! Well anyway, everything's just great now and I should be in class
tomorrow.

-M.

Subject: Re: my density
From: Johanna <beck0096@umn.edu>
Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 09:42:29 CST
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

You're a piece of work. Tee hee.

We'll be reading the Latin Story on Thursday and then going over S.A. 1-7 odd. If we run out of time, I'll
make everyone turn in their S.A. homework.

See you then!

Johanna

Subject: a long shot, figuratively speaking
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 13:23:09 CST
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

Mrs. Beck-

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to attend class today. The company is flying me out to D.C. to
inspect some figures. The company monitors its figures very closely. Apparently the company suspects a
miscalculation or a statistical fabrication or perhaps a typo. I remain ignorant as to the precise nature of
the dilemma. The company has me on a need to know basis; I must not need to know. Still, the figures
must be inspected, and so I must depart.

Also class starts in one minute and I'm still at home. That's a long shot that I doubt I'd make.

-Mike

Subject: Re: a long shot, figuratively speaking
From: Johanna <beck????@UMN.EDU>
Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 10:59:31 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@UMN.EDU>

You're too much.

See you Monday. (maybe)

Johanna

Subject: 15 innings!? missed the game for Southeast Asian politics!? disaster!!
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 01:05:27 CDT
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

Big news! Can't come to class tomorrow! In the reserves for the MLB and they just called me up! Guess
the Twins ran the bullpen dry last night and they need some help! Exciting, but I have to find my glove!
Thought it was in the closet but apparently left it in Philly! Have to run to the store tomorrow and buy a
new glove! Out of cash! Have to stop at an ATM! Probably go to the bank at Cub on Lake and Hiawatha!
Maybe run into Angelica! Perhaps a dispute over phone calls and "priorities!" Suffer Angelica's blows
silently! Mess up my throwing arm! Ruin my big league aspirations forever! Disaster! But if not, I'll be
working out with the boys before the game. Baseball on Wednesday, Latin on Thursday. So it goes.

-Mike

Subject: Re: 15 innings!? missed the game for Southeast Asian politics!? disaster!!
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 11:16:44 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Man oh man! Best of luck to you. We will anxiously await your return on Thursday. (You can take the
vocab quiz then.)

See you on Thursday,

Johanna

Subject: outbreak
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 03:57:20 CDT
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

Discipulosis. That's what the doctors call it. I'm allergic to school. Third declension neuter. I guess the
attacks occur infrequently and pass quickly; I should convalesce by Monday. Currently (what's the
derivation I wonder? not cur=why, not curro=to run...nope, guess it is curro; wonder how that works)
however, I have the body of a horse and the head of Condoleezza Rice. A very embarrassing situation.
Anyway, here's my Sententia Antiquae:

9. The way I see it, that man will always be a god.

11. To have obtained riches was for many men not an end but a change of evil things. <--this is unwieldy;
I don't trust it

13. With strength of the body failing, vigor of the soul nevertheless lasted those men to the end of life.

Also I might come to class tomorrow. But consider yourself forewarned in case worst comes to worst.

-Mike
Subject: Re: outbreak
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:31:57 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Outbreak, eh? I thought you were talking about the crappy movie. I must say I'm relieved it was just
discipulosis that's got you down. Happens every year. Must be the barometric pressure. But what do I
know? I'm no doctor.

I hope you recover quickly. I'll look up the derivation of 'currently' for you later. I'm guessing it has to
do with 'curro' but I'm not certain.

Have a lovely and restful weekend.

Johanna

Subject: stripe and co.
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 03:57:20 CDT
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

Gonna be gone today. Played a show in Winona last night and got home super-late. Upon waking this
morning realized that I have a paper due in my Shakespeare class today. Five hours to put some clothes
on this boy and get him into shape and turn him in.

 Also there's this ill-tempered little monster with big pointy ears running around my house. I have to find
him before he finds water, because I guess they multiply in water, and if that happens I'll never have
time to write this damn paper.

-Mike

Subject: Re: stripe and co.
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 09:00:07 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Rats. I hate those little bastards. I hope you got to him in time. I also hope you got your Shakespeare
paper finished.

We didn't accomplish a whole lot in class. We just finished our exercitia. Today we'll do a little review
for the midterm and then read the ch. 40 Latin Story.

See you then,

Johanna

Subject: the muse
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 12:34:49 CDT
To: Johanna beck????@umn.edu

I'm a little tied up right now. It's just my legs, really, and it's just yarn. I could untie them, but there's a
guy holding a gun to my head and he doesn't want me to. He wants me to write his life story. His gun is a
squirt-gun, a bright-yellow six-shooter with a bright orange trigger, but I don't think I should mention it
because it might upset him. He says he's a former heavyweight champion of the Midwest, but I don't
really believe him, because, I mean, he's only about 4'4. And he speaks in a really high voice for a
twenty-eight-year-old. But if I call him on that, then who knows, maybe he'll go get his chainsaw out of
the closet and then won't my face just be red. Better safe than sorry. I have to go write.

-Mike

Subject: Re: the muse
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 13:04:25 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Oh no! That's terrible news. Tell him that your Latin teacher is going to kick his scrawny ass.

Today we're just talking about the midterm exam anyway, and seeing as how you got the high score
(101 including your extra credit) I'm not all that concerned that you will be absent.

I wish you luck with your present situation. Have a good weekend.

Johanna

Subject: the mouse
From: Mike <wilk0214@UMN.EDU>
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 06:25:57 CDT
To: Johanna <beck????@UMN.EDU>

There's a mouse in my room. This is no joke. It ran under my dresser. Two nights in a row I've seen mice
in this house. What do I do? Mouse traps, I guess. Maybe call the landlady. I keep telling myself it's just a
mouse. I'm no elephant. No reason to fear this little guy.

But what if I wake up tomorrow and put on my shoes and there's a mouse in them? And what if the
mouse has infiltrated my underwear drawer? And what if the mouse is actually a dozen or more mice
and they have designs on my shredded cheese? Something must be done. Shoes on top of a chair, a very
tall chair. Padlock on the underwear drawer. But the cheese? It's hopeless! If it can get under the
refrigerator it can get in the refrigerator! This is irrational. It's just a mouse.

You seeing the timestamp on this e-mail? Ridiculous. I just went outside to smoke and the paper has
already been delivered. I've been up writing letters all night, and now I'm writing an e-mail. It must stop
now. Go to sleep. Just a mouse. Better not be in my bed.

-Mike
Subject: Re: the mouse
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 09:11:22 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

There's a 6:25 in the morning now? Have you considered getting a cat? Ha.

Keep on reading about the Sabine women. Believe it or not, I have high hopes that we will plow through
a lot of Latin today. I will not get off topic (as much). We might even go outside for class. Aren't you
sorry that you're going to miss that? Not so much? Whatever.

Get some rest. I wish you luck (and the mouse as well).

See you tomorrow,

Johanna

Subject: one ring to school them all
From: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 02:51:48 CDT
To: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>

I don't think I'm gonna make it to class tomorrow. Some jokers stole my ring. I must find it. Promises to
be quite a saga. Nice looking ring too. Got this cute little poem engraved on it. Can't quite see what
they'd want with it. Oh well. As long as it doesn't end up in my volcano (and why would it?), I should be
okay.

-Mike

Subject: Re: one ring to school them all
From: Johanna <beck????@umn.edu>
Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 10:02:35 CDT
To: Mike <wilk0214@umn.edu>

Thanks for the message. I don't envy you your quest, but I wish you luck.

Johanna

				
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