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How to Stop Emotional Abuse and Gain Respect

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					How To Stop Emotional Abuse and
          Gain Respect




     For more information about stopping emotional abuse, please visit
                        Healing Emotional Abuse

Annie's husband was emotionally abusive, and she suffered greatly every
day. For example, Joe would get upset if she wasn’t paying him her complete
attention. You could see this happen as she was finishing dictating her daily
report for work in the phone, when he began to scream at her for not paying
attention to him. He slammed the door when leaving the house, causing
dishes on the wall to break and fall. But Annie - even when hurt - did her
usual routine: she cleaned, cooked for him and kept the house in order
besides attending her full-time job.

Annie had decided that the most adequate response was to continue as if
nothing happened; she attributed his behavior to exhaustion and had her
best face on when he came home. Was she being empathetic to him? Or was
she being a person unable to stand up for herself? Even more important:
was her response the right behavior for stopping emotional abuse in the
future?

The answer to the last question is “NO.” There are many factors by which
people decide to ignore abuse, but it will not make the abuse disappear if
you ignore it and be nice to your abuser.

Annie went through much of the early relationship believing that if she could
be accepting and supportive, continually creating a loving home atmosphere,
her husband's abusive behavior would disappear. Essentially, she believed
that the abuse came because of something she wasn’t doing well enough.
Unfortunately, she was rewarding her husband's negative behavior.

When he was abusive to Annie, Joe saw that she was attentive, nice and
caring toward him afterward. Ask yourself: why would he change his
treatment of his wife if she responded so positively to his abuse?

Basic psychology tell us that behavior varies depending on its consequences
(reinforcement). Annie’s “no critique, no punishment” ideology only sends
the message that she can take it, and that Joe will get what he wants when
he acts abusively (positive reinforcement).

So, what is the right attitude for healing emotional abuse? A firm,
assertive response that clearly expresses your unhappiness. No grey areas
here, but a strong condemnation of the abuse, and a definition of what is
acceptable in the future.

As in:

“When you become so angry with me that you yell and curse like this
morning, I feel really upset and hurt. That abusive behavior threatens the
trust I have in you.”

“If this abuse goes on, I will leave the house. I will stay by myself until we
can both reconsider what kind of marriage we want and how to get it.”

Remember that if you speak up assertively, you have to follow your words
up with actions. If you say that you will leave the house temporarily when he
yells at you, then do it. There is no other way to teach an abusive husband
what are your limits about what kind of behavior will be acceptable. Worse
still, if you say you will do one thing but never do it, that is just another
signal that you “submit.”

Being assertive also requires respecting yourself. You need to realize that
you are worthy of gentle, caring and respectful treatment by the person who
says loves you the most. You also need to realize that you have a right to
demand that treatment from the person who calls himself your “partner.”

Do you need help learning assertive techniques, or learning how to respect
and empower yourself? We have many resources that you can start with:

         ● A coaching session with Coach Nora to talk about your
           personal situation and what is best for you.
         ● “Healing Emotional Abuse,” a book specifically for women
           who have left (or want to leave) emotionally abusive
           relationships.
         ● Our Healing Emotional Abuse blog, dedicated to giving
           you more information about what emotional abuse is.

Don’t suffer in silence, hoping things will just magically get better. Learn
what you can do to actively make your life the way you want it to be: happy.
Act now!



Neil Warner is the “relationship guru,” and his main focus is to increase the
quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide
he offers useful strategies on healing a difficult emotionally abusive
relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an
unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let Neil share his tools with you
today! You can begin with Healing Emotional Abuse, a book that gives you
a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this
link and get started now!

				
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posted:9/23/2011
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