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Naegele Assassination Plot Foiled

VIEWS: 13 PAGES: 12

									Naegele Assassination Plot Foiled
UW-L Student Association Vice President Laura Miller Believed to be the Culprit                                                                                          toward 212 Cartwright to tip off           one, declined to comment on their
JOSEPHALFRED    __        senator led Naegele toward the                               archer and his cronies that a              Belmas.
          EDITOR-IN-CHIEF lounge on the second floor of the                            Racquet section editor, Andrew                       Miller,      allegedly       another member of the                      involvement,saying thattheyare
                                              Cartwright Center.                       Belmas,                                                                           assassination ring. It appears that        innocent until proven guilty.
        Tragedy almost struck                                                                                                                                                                                               "Innocent my ass!"
Tnu , .-   SA...    {/rr   .   leaf   night            While Luke was walking          who was                                                                           the fifth senator involved in the
UW-L In ulC worST way iaai nluint
                                              up the ramp toward the lounge, he        dressed as a                                                                      plot to assassinate Naegele was Screamed an irate Belmas. "I saw
when Student Association
                                              was bum rushed by three other            cowboy for                                                                        acting as a look-out as well as everyone involved and I'll name
President Luke Naegele narrowly
    . ...      -
              ..  .- . .
                     a.     -                    4j
                                                    1
                                                  cthiApnt nstr
                                                        s.P
                                              stUUenlt Jnllatu
                                                                  -c whn
                                                                       u
                                                                     w w1
                                                                           rnmneredl   t
                                                                                  WuHumu
                                                                                               h     e                                                                   acting as back-up if Naegele names!"
avoided being assassinated. It is                                                                                                                                                                                   One senator involved
                                                                                                                                                                         would have freed himself from the
believed Fat Vice President Laura Naegele by the soda machine.                         Halloween
                                                                                                                                                                                                             decided to reveal that Miller
                                              Meanwhile, Miller suspiciously           festivities,                                                                      other senators.
Miller coordinated the hit.
                                              unlocked the S.A. office at the          apparently                                                                                 Much       has      been certainly played an integral role in
Allegedly, Miller was leading a
                                              same time Luke was being                 h e a r d                                                                         speculated about Miller being the plot.
group of five student senators who                                                                                                                                       upset over being paid substantially        "Do you honestly think
                                              cornered.                                Naegele's
were fed up with Naegele's
                                                       "I had some work to tend        call for help                                                                     less than Naegele and wanting to we could have organized a hit like
stances on many campus issues.
                                              to at the time. I was hoping to          and rushed                                                                        take over the reigns of the that? Let me put it this way. Laura
La Crosse police deputies are
                                              catch-up a little on some of my          in from the                                                                       Presidential chair and appoint her had the know how and we had the
conducting an investigation on the
                                              vice presidential duties," said          stairwell                                                                         own VP. Miller was a strong elbow grease," he commentated.
incident.                                                                                                                                                                                                           Naegele has issued a
                                              Miller.                                  behind the                                                                        frontrunner for the presidency
         "It makes perfect sense
                                                       The team of four                senators.                                                                         next school year and some of statement that summarizes his
for Miller to want to assassinate
                                              malicious senators allegedly             H           e                                                                     Naegele's assistants theorize that stance on the entire situation. The
Luke," said La Crosse Police                                                                                                                                                                                 statement discloses that he and
                                              began to duct tape Naegele's             promptly                                                                          she simply didn't want to wait.
Officer'Edward Malibu. "It's a
                                              mouth shut while hog-tying his           lassoed the                                                                                "Everyone involved with Miller had a solid professional
classic issue of a VP wanting to
                                              legs. But Naegele was able to let        f o u r                                                                           campus politics knows that Laura relationship in the past, but in lieu
inhabit the Presidential chair."
                                              out a loud call for help before his      Benedict                                                                          has had enough of playing second of Miller organizing his
         According to a member of
                                              mouth was taped shut.                    Arnolds                                                                           fiddle to Luke," said Luke and assassination, that has since
Luke's presidential cabinet,
                                                       According to Naegele,           before any                                                                        Laura's campaign manager. "*No changed. Naegele also hopes to
Naegele was locking up the
                                              "One of the senators drew a bow          further                                                                           one realizes the blood shed last have Belmas become his new VP.
Student Association (S.A.) office                                                                                                                                                                                    "I owe my life to Belmas
                                              and arrow from his coat and              damage                                                                            spring when they were
at roughly         1 :5 7pm on                                                                                                                                                                               and would love to have him come
                                              pointed the arrow at my head             could be                                                                          campaigning for office. Miller
Wednesday, October 29th when a
                                              while assertively saying, 'veto          done.                                                                             desperately wanted to run as on board as my new VP. Laura will
student senator who had been                                                                                                                                                                                         surely be let go if she doesn't have
                                              this.&.'                                                                                                                   president, but beg,udgnlxan,as
frustated with Naegele vetoing
                                                       It was later discovered          .T h a t                                                                         VP on Lukes ticket. She                     to sed the next few years in the
bill after bill he had proposed,
                                              that the senator who had the bow           an. _   A:A
                                                                                       senator aia                 plot to pinick off Naegele was foiled.                apparently has been keeping her             pet," said Naee.            D      .
approached Naegele wanting to                                                                                                                                                                                                All UW-L faculty and
                                              and arrow had a proper license to        i n d e e d                                                                       pent up aggression bottled up until
discuss some political issues.                                                                                                                                                                                       administration are hoping that this
                                              conceal and carry the weaponry.          release a                                                                         now."
         UnbekmownsttoNaegele,                                                                                                                                                                                       controversy boils over as quickly
                                                       Naegele stated that it was      shot at Luke. But it was a wayward I concerned for the well-being of                      All of the senators
the senator apparently had other                                                                                                                                                                                     as possible and life returns to
                                              then, as he was staring down the         arrow since I roped him before he her co-conspirators, hustled over               involved in the fray, except for
plans in mind besides politics. The                                                                                                                                                                                  normal for all those involved.
                                                                                       could aim properly," stated


   Chalking of Sidewalks Banned Within 100 feet of                                                                                                                          UW-L to Issue Cell Phones to
                                                                                                                                                                              all Incoming Freshmen hopes that
                 University Buildings                                                                                                                                    JON TRIZZLES         The school also
                                                                                                                                                                                                  NEWS EDITOR the cell phones will help students feel
DOUG CfISEL                ________ Schwarzenegger.                                        of adding a protective services        Crosse city ordinance of freedom                   In an effort to separate itself more comfortable
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           with the transition
                      BLUFF STAFF             "I cannot believe that                       staff to the campus.                   of terrible advertisement.              from other public universities,        the to college life sooner.
                                                                                                     According to unspecified               The ban states, "No form                                                            "I wouldn't want to be
                                     something so irritable and                                                                                                           University of Wisconsin-La Crosse
           After years of abuse, the                                                                                              of chalking is to be allowed in the                                                studying in Cartwright without a cell
                                     disturbing has been going on since                    reports, the rally was the only                                                will begin issuing cell phones to all
sidewalks at the University of                                                                                                                                            incoming freshmen in 2005.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                     phone, ringer on high, placed on the
                                     the 80's", said Paul Dizzogg, a                       campus-organized event in the          vicinity of 100 feet of any or all
Wisconsin La Crosse will no                                                                                                                                                          "Many schools are starting table.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It basically says to everyone
                                     student at UW-L.                                      history of the school that was         property of the University of                                                                                            Ron
longer be open                                                                                                                    Wisconsin-La Crosse".                   to give their students lab-tops,    but we that you have no friends," said
+.- »t-»--«i4-;_-                                                                                                                                                         wanted to be different" said the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Walker, a senior at UW-L. "It's a
      c
to -- nawnmg .                                                                                                                              According to UW-L
                                                                                                                                                                          chancellor. "We looked into lab-tops status
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             symbol to be constantly talking
A community                                                                                                                       officials, undercover protective
                                                                                                                                                                          and PDA's, but in the end we thought       on your phone in public. If people
forum was held                                                                                                                    service agents will be patrolling                                                                  see me on my phone
at the La                                                                                                                                                                 that cell phones are going to be our constantly
                                                                                                                                  the campus as early as Friday,          best option."                              laughing and having a great tire then
Crosse Center                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  and have loads
                                                                                                                                  October 31. "This (expletive)                      Each cell phone comes with they know I'm sweet
in               the                                                                                                                                                                                                 of friends".
                                                                                                                                  needs to stop. It just needs to         a basic package of anytime 300
downtown area                                                                                                                     (expletive) stop," said Adam                                                                   "I think it's great to be able
                                                                                                                                                                          minutes and 1000 night and weekend
of La Crosse,                                                                                                                                                             minutes. Minutes can be added to the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                     to walk out the door of a class and
                                                                                                                                  Schillinger, the University of
WI last week to                                                                                                                                                                                                      check my messages. How can you
                                                                                                                                  Wisconsin-La Crosse's goodwill          phone by a student on an individual
vote on the                                                                                                                                                               basis. The cell phones also come pre-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      expect a person of our age to wait a
                                                                                                                                  ambassador.                                                                         few minutes to go home and see if
proposed ban                                                                                                                                When asked on how he           programmed with professors and
                                                                                                                                                                           advisor's phone numbers.                   someone called?" said UW-L student
of chalking.                                                                                                                      feels students will respond to the
                                                                                                                                                                                     "We hope that by putting the Jodi Lusser.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "I might get a call from
            T h e                                                                                                                                  an assistant to
forum           was
                                                                                                                                  new ban,                                 numbers right in front of the    students my boyfriend or something. If I don't
                                                                                                                                  Chancellor   Hastad had this to say,     it will make them more willing to call call back
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   like, within an hour or
open to all                                                                                                                       "I'm confident that the students of                                                 something he might think I don't like
                                                                                                                                                                           and talk to a professor about a
members and                                                                                                                       this university will abide by the                                                   him anymore".
                                                                                                                                                                           problem. We feel that the better a
alumni of the                                                                                                                     new rule. We haven't had any                                        relationship
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Students will also have the
                                                                                                                                                                           student/professor
University                                                                                                                                                                                               the student ability to personalize
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 their phones.
                                                                                                                                  problems with students drinking          becomes, the more likely
Wisconsin                                                                                                                                                                  will do well in his/her studies" said
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Students can download ringtones that
                                                                                                                                   in the dorms or parking illegally                                                  suit their mood for the day. Students
system. All                                                                                                                        on this campus, I don't see how         the chancellor.
 members of the                                     Men, women and children alike will chalk no more.                                                                                 Some professors feel that
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      can also give their phones names such
                                                                                                                                   this could be any different."                                                                 thang" or "bling bling".
 Wisconsin           --         ™^-                                                                                                                                        students may abuse the phone and as "sexy
                                                                                                                                            The assistant to the                                                                 "Your phone is a reflection
 board         of                                                                                                                                                          numbers.
                                                        "Those free loaders need           attended by every student at the        Chancellor also had this to say,                   ',I don't want to come to       of your personality. If you think
 Regents, and special celebrity                                                                                                    "I'm sick and tired of folk                                                        you're sexy, you should say so on
                                               to be apprehended for their                 university. At the time, chalking                                               school and have 15 messages from
 alumni Arnold Schwarzenegger                                                                                                      chalking our sidewalks. I mean,                                                    your celly," said an unnamed UW-L
                                               negligence, and they need to be             seemed like a great way to unite                                                my students telling me to come out
 attended         the     meeting.                                                                                                 enough's enough already. Go to                                                     student.
                                               taxed," said University of                  the student body, but over the                                                  and get 'hammed' with them," said
 Schwarzenegger, the newly                                                                                                         class and leave the rest of us                                                                Some students are not happy
                                               Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor,             years, various student groups                                                   one UW-L professor.
 elected governor of California has                                                                                                alone."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      about the idea. "It's (expletive)
                                               Doug Hastad in response to the              abused the privilege. Things have                                                                                          ridiculous. We are in a budget crisis
 been disgusted with these free
                                               issue of those who chalk the                gotten so bad, that the excess chalk                                                                                       and we are going to spend money
 advertisements ever since he was
                                               campus sidewalks.                           residue has spilled onto campus                                                                                            giving people something they don't
 a theatre student at the University
                                                        Recent research on the             grass and killed every last blade                                                                                          need. I've never had a cell and don't
 of Wisconsin Superior.
                                               history of chalking dates the free          of green beauty.                                                                                                           want one. I'm doing just fine," said
          The vote to ban the                                                                                                                                                                                         student Aaron Seagall.
                                               form of advertisement to the early                    "It's not only a social
 chalking was a unanimous vote in                                                                                                                                                                                                "When I hear comments like
                                                1970's.          Apparently 12             issue, but now it's an
 favor of the ban, and those who                                                                                                                                                                                      that it makes me sad. I bet that's the
                                               former UW-L students known as               environmental issue", said Jake
 violate the new ban will be subject                                                                                                                                                                                   same guy that says he doesn't need
                                               the "dirty dozen", wanted the                Sampson, president of the Sports
 to public execution.                                                                                                                                                                                                  to gel and 'tip' his hair to get girls.
                                               entire campus to attend an alcohol          and Activities Club.
          "I want those things to be                                                                                                                                                                                   Bet he hasn't gotten a girl in years"
                                               drinking rally, that was designed                     Rules regarding the ban
 terminated,"                   said                                                                                                                                                                                   said a UW-L student.
                                               to protest the university's proposal         are not in accordance with the La
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                        Opinions                                                      Thursday, October 30, 2003                              Page 2



The views and opinions expressed inThe Bluff reflect the feelings or atti-                                                                                                                   I Letter to the Editor Policy
tudes of The Bluff staff, and of the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse.
                                                                                                                                                                                             8~ I*Priority will be given to tetters    to and debating ideologies of let-
                                                                                                                                                                                             sI are submitted to The Bluff
                                                                                                                                                                                              \that                                    ters previously published in The
                                     Leters to te                                                                        Eitor                                                                 from a student, faculty, staff, or
                                                                                                                                                                                               community member of the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Bluff
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       * The deadline for -letters is at
                                                                                                                                                                                               greater La Crosse area. Letters         noon on Monday for the week of
                                                  government official, speaking under                there two weeks ago, if them terror-         ing their part to restore safety to the      addressing issues that affect the       publication. Letters may be sub-
La Crosse Identified                              anonymity, claimed that the thriving               ists just had a little Christian culture     community. A local principal has un-         La Crosse community will also           mitted via email to:
as Terrorist Target                               businesses in the community have
                                                  contributed to the extreme jealousy
                                                                                                     like the theater gives us, they
                                                                                                     wouldn't hate us." The La Crosse
                                                                                                                                                  veiled a city-wide education plan,
                                                                                                                                                  starting next Monday, which guaran-
                                                                                                                                                                                               be considered                                            fcufopncisyeh0.3
                                                                                                                                                                                                 All
                                                                                                                                                                                              ,i* letters must be                                     The Bluff does not
HAN DUO                                           terrorists must feel toward the town               Center, another cultural landmark in         tees students will be aware of the dan-      signed with a                                          guarantee           a
                      BLUFF STAFF                 which, until yesterday, has never been             La Crosse, usually draws in only in-         gers of terrorism originating in the
                                                                                                                                                                                               phone number for                                       specfic time for'
           A suspected terrorist being            associated with violent opposition.                ternationally renowned acts such as          Middle East. "We used to have a
held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, told                "The brewery and fine shops such as                Lonestar, but now has drawn inter-           Middle Eastern Day where fernale
                                                                                                                                                                                               varilication and dat-                                  publishing letters.
military officials yesterday that La              "Stamp in Hand" and "Brueger's Ba-                 national terrorist hatred.                   teachers would dress in burquias and         ing purposes.                                          * The Bluff edito- I
Crosse, W I, was the target of an aban-           gels" are flourishing businesses that                         In response to the uncovered      Mrs. Hanson (the school cook) would            *The Bluff re-                                       rial staff judges let-
doned terrorist plot. According to                Middle Eastern types ain't got over                terrorist plot, local police officials are   make Uncle Ben's Middle Eastern             serves the right to publish let-         ters being condsidered based
military reports, the terrorist network           there," the official commented. "It's              undergoing intensive terrorist sensi-        Flavored Rice for lunch," the princi-       ters that are considered to be of        upon content, philosophies or
Al-Qaeda had at one point drawn up                no wonder why bin Laden and dem                    tivity courses. "We plan to ensure that      pal regretfully stated. "But rest as-       obvious mistruth, excessive use          ideas that are expressed.
plans to attack the peaceful Midwest-             Islamic peoples want to pick on us."               all our officers will not only stop any-     sured, Middle Eastern Day is no more,       of this forum by individuals or          * Further questions regarding this
ecm town through means which were                           For others, it was the cul-              body that looks like a terrorist, but        and the children wil get bibles and a       groups, slanderous language or           policy may be directed to the Edi-
not disclosed in the report.                      tural richness of the city which drew              escort them out of town on (U.S.             heavy dose of patriotism, starting with
                                                                                                                                                                                              libel.                                   tor-in-Chief and/or the Opinions
          To inhabitants of what some             the attention of terrorists. A local               Highway) 16," the La Crosse police           the imprisonment of thousands of
                                                                                                                                                                                              * The editorial staff discourages        Editor, though Atwil most likely
believe to be the cultural and eco-               woman cited the La Crosse Commu-                   chief said at a news conference held         Japanese citizens during World War
nomic center of America, the terror-              nity Theater as the reason for Islamic             late yesterday afternoon.                    II."1
                                                                                                                                                                                              submission of letters responding         be dismissed.
ist plans come as no surprise. A local            hatred. "Me and Bill must seen a play                        Local educators are also do-



                                                  get away form the raging honrmones                                                              healthy metabolism throughout our
Public Displays of                                and immaturity of high school ro-
                                                                                                           Demand
                                                                                                               I                                  academic careers.
                                                                                                                                                                                             War In Iraq Going                          No Child Left Be-
 Affection in the                                 mance, but apparently I was confused.                Chartwells Offer                                                                       Smoothly; Turn                              hind Actually
                                                  I understand that it is exciting to be                                                             Conceal and
Cartwright Center                                 "in love", but let's be honest with                   147 Meals Per                                                                         Your Attention                            Leaving Children
                                                  ourselves folks, 50% of marriages are                                                            Carry Leaves Out
HERC JACKSTER      ____                           ending in divorce these days. Maybe                       Week                                                                             Elsewhere, Please                               Behind
            UW-L STUDENT
                                                  it all goes back to not being able to              JACK CASS______
                                                                                                                                                        Bows
                                                                                                                                                                                             M   A   TI       LDA                      JANET WHISK                 ______
           I have been going to school            control our urges. If you can't wait                         UW-L STUDENT                       FRED NUGENT
                                                                                                                                                                                             FRANKENSTEINERHAUFENBRAU                             LA CROSSE RESIDENT
here for almost four years and there              an hour to give your little sweetheart                                                                             U-_L STUDENT
                                                                                                                                                                                                          UW-L STUDENT                           Ever since this No Child
has been on thing that has pissing me             a kiss, than you are going to be                             Weightlifting is a sport that                 As a very serious advocate                                                Left Behind business started, my child
off right from the start. I can't stand           screwed when your very attractive 24               does not receive enough respect here         of safety on our streets, I would like                The war in Iraq is going
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       has consistently been left behind in
walking into the Cartwright center to             year-old co-worker puts the moves on               at UW-L. Only a select group of stu-         to propose an arrendiment to               quite smoothly. No need to worry.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       school. At the end of last year they
the site of a couple holding each other,          you. Good luck stopping that one                   dents have managed to achieve the            Wisconsin's new conceal and carry          Look at the Kobe Bryant case. There
                                                  bud.                                                                                                                                                                                 left my Mikey at Noah's Ark for the
or kissing or anything of that nature.                                                               chiseled body that is so coveted by          law. For some crazy reason, the silly      have only been a couple hundred
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       end of the year field trip. Oh sure,
I mean, why the hell is something like                       I personally am not even a              our muscle-obsessed society. I am            state representatives and senators         American casualties since the end of
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       they called and apologized and even
that necessary. Are these people re-              big fan of holding hands in public or              proud to say that I used to be one of        seem to have forgotten about the           the major fighting, but can you be-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       palid for my gas money to go pick him
ally that much in love that they can't            most places for that mater, but it                 them. Sadly, despite my hard work,           noble bow and arrow in their plans to      lieve that California recall? Arnold's
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       up, but how does that relieve the fear
keep their hands off on another for               doesn't really get me too worked up.               and several hours in the gym daily, I        make hand guns legal to conceal.           father was a what" And we don't even
                                                  It's the little kisses across a table or                                                                                                                                             and embarrassment my Mikey went
an hour or so? I mean, if you really                                                                 am fast losing muscle tone. The cause                   Frankly, I do not leave the     bother talking about Iraqi dead, there
                                                  the peck on the lips followed by "I                                                                                                                                                  through. And all the apologies and
want to get some kissing in, just take                                                               of the tragic loss of my twenty four         house without my trusty bow and ar-        probably haven't been that many.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       money in the world won't erase the
a walk upstairs and there are some                love you baby". That gets me started               pack is the scandalous meal plan pro-        row at my side. The skill and agility      Speaking of California, did you know
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       fact that my child was left behind.
couches conveniently located in front             on another topic.                                  vided by Chartwells.                         that I have developed since I began        there's fires there? And according to
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       And then they left him at the library
of a television, that you could pretend                      What the hell is with pet                         Instead of the plan allowing       shooting has given me the ability to       President Bush, Mr. Cheney, Mr.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       just last week. Another field trip, an-
to watch as well.                                 names? Your girlfriend or boyfriend                me to eat for optimum performance,           defend myself in all situations. For       Powell and Ms. Rice, it's only a mat-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       other Mikey left behind. I'm afraid
           Maybe I'm just angry be-               has a fricken name, so why don't you               I am forced, by the nineteen meal plan       example, I was the unfortunate wit-        ter of time before we find thousands
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       that they'll leave him behind some-
cause I don't have a girlfriend, and I            use it. I am sick and tired of hearing             package to eat three meals a day. Any-       ness to a purse snatching in 8th and       upon thousands of pounds of weap-
                                                  people call each other baby, lover, boo                                                                                                    ons of mass destruction. Oh look, the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       where he can't get back from, like
hate all people that do. While that is                                                               one who has ever read Muscle Maga-           King Street last weekend. The perpe-                                                 fifth grade.
probably true, I don't think that is the          ,hun and a hundred other stupid                    zine or Men's Fitness would know             trator of the crime would have almost      ten commandments had to go from a
reason I am so angry with these                   names.
                                                             I feel that if anyone sees you
                                                                                                     that this is meal schedule that causes       been stopped by my trusty bow and          court house in Mississippi, isn't that
                                                                                                                                                                                             outrageous? And don't worry that the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         An Open Letter to
people. I think I'm angry because                                                                    sloth, obesity, and an overall drop in       arrow, had I managed to wrangle the
there is no need for what goes on. Do             being overly affectionate to your                  sexiness. All fitness buffs know that        thing out of my backpack in time to        US headquarters in Baghdad was just          President Bush
you need to be kissing and holding                loved you should be taken outside and              one must eat several times a day to          shoot at him.                              attacked with eight or ten missiles.      ALECSANDER HAVLOV1C
each other while studying? If you are             be shot. Being shot may be a little                maintain a constant level of energy,                    Furthenmore, at a gas station   The economy is on the rebound! And                        OPINIONS EDITOR
so focused on being affectionate with             over the top, but maybe after the first            which is sorely needed as us                 just outside of Chicago a few months       never mind that U.N. Security Coun-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Drilling for oil in the Arctic
your significant other, maybe you                 person is taken care of, others will fall          weightlifters enter our fifth hour on        ago, a buddy and I were waiting in         cil mermber countries refuse to lend
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) as
should forget the studying and go                 in line. Maybe when I get a girlfriend             the free weights.                            line to buy a couple of roadie sodies      troops and cash in the effort to secure
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       a solution to our long term energy
home for some "alone time".                       that I really "love" I will change my                        As I am struggling to retain       when a punk came up to us and pulled       Iraq. All that oil money is really go-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       problems is the dumbest idea I've ever
           I remember back in high                tune, but right now I'm just a bitter              my taut appearance, I would like to          out his gun. He told us to give him        ing to get America back on track. And     hefardA in mvr life Y/ncnqu*Lk
school when I used to yell "get a                 pissed off guy that doesn't want to see            demand to know why Chartwells is             our wallets, but I was too quick for       never mind that Dick Cheney former
room" at my friends that would make               you make out with your girlfriend or               denying me the opportunity to eat            him. When he saw that menacing ar-         CEO of Halliburton, is sitting at his
out or kiss in front of the group. I              boyfriend.                                         twenty one small meals a day. With a         row pointing at him, he bent double        undisclosed location, counting the
hoped that by going to college I would                                                               plan like this, I would achieve my           and dropped his gun. Strangely, he         money he is still making from
                                                                                                     goal of having the fastest metabolism        was laughing, but I think he probably      Halli1burton, which recieved the larg-
                                                                                                     this side of the Mississippi River.          has some sort of condition that causes     est piece of the $87 billion that Mr.

                    The Bluff Staff                                                                  Twenty one meals a day adds up to a
                                                                                                     mere one hundred and forty seven
                                                                                                                                                  laughter when he is scared out of his
                                                                                                                                                  mind.
                                                                                                                                                                                             Bush asked for and got from you hard
                                                                                                                                                                                             working tax payers. Just imagine the
                                                                                                     meals a week, which is naught when                      The bow and arrow has a         feeling of pride you'll get when Iraq       YLOAUABE NOT ALONE!
                                                                                                     one looks at the results.                                                               has a smoothly ftunctioning, capital-
     Editor-in-Chief .......... Joseph Alfred                                                                                                     grand tradition of use that dates back                                                 IA'e care, and Car here to hel you.
                                                                                                               I would like to challenge the      thousands of years. If our esteemed        ist Democracy, just like ours. And
                             H
     Advertising Director..... elen Hampton                                                          fine directors of Chartwells Food Ser-                                                  don't worry that 20% of children in
                                                                                                                                                  house representatives and senators
     Business Manager ....Daryl Cantina                                                              vice to put their heads together and
                                                                                                     find a way to meet the demands of
                                                                                                                                                  would be so kind as to add my pro-         La Crosse li ve below the poverty line
                                                                                                                                                                                             and 32% of children in Milwaukee
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           1-608-782-0373
                                                                                                                                                  posed amendment to their conceal and
     News ......................... Jon Trizzles
     Opinions ................. Alecsander Havlovlic
                                                                                                     the many fine athletes here at UW-L.
                                                                                                     With their support, we can all find a
                                                                                                                                                  carry bill, Wisconsin will put a whole     live in poverty. Imagine the pride
                                                                                                                                                                                             we'll feel when we get our space pro-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           1-800-550-4900
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         f
                                                                                                                                                  new meaning to "getting medieval on
                                                                                                     way to eat the twenty one recom-             your ass".                                 gram back on track and kick China's               www.bitthtight-org
     Entertainment ........ Kristina Masterson                                                       mended meals a day and maintain our                                                     ass once and for all. Vote Bush!
     Music Editor .......... Juli/a Highnote                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     I
    Sports Editor.................. Joseph Alfred
                                                                                                                                  CA"W                                                                              OSh

     Photo Editor .................. Jake Sampson




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                                                                                                             Opinions                                           Thursday, October 30, 2003                             Page 3




                  Point/Counter Point
             The Ten Commandments and Smoking

            Ten Commandments Must Go; As Well As Smoking
JESSICA OLINA
                     BLU.F STA FF
         As an atheist and a non-         bor as you lone yoursel and to lo\ve       into wine? You know J.C. only
smoker, I feel that the ten command-      prostitutes like Jesus did'? And didn't    smoked whenl he drank.
ments should be moved from                the bible preach about charity and                 So my point is that the
Cameron Park and dropped on the            stuff! And didn't it also say to treat    founding fathers totally don't men-
heads of anyone smoking within 20          thy body as thy temrple'? So if the ten   tion smoking cigarettes in the Bill
feet of building entrances on campus.     cominmandments imust still stand, we
                                                                                     of Rights, the Constitution, or the
Day after day I'm forced to Cough         certainly should outlaw smoking!
                                                                                     Declaration of Independence. And
through a stifling haze of cigarette                And let's not target that
                                                                                     you sure as hell don't see anyone
smoke as I try to enter Main Hall. To     Jesus didn't smoke. What would Jesus
                                                                                     smoking on Mt. Rushmore. And
add insult to injury as my eyes water     do, indeed'? 01 course Jesus ate so
at the foul cigarette stench, I know      much weed that you could get high
                                                                                     the Founding Fathers clearly
those damn commandments still             just by standing next to hilm...I          wouldn't argue with the decision on
stand. The so-called "Christians" in      wouldnI't doubt it his washing Mary        the Ten Commandments passed
this whole country are such hypo-         Magdalene's feet with his hai- gave        down by Judge Judith Crabb. Be-
crites, as are the smokers. I mean         her some kind of contact buzz. And        cause above all, the Founding Fa-
didn't the bible say love thy neigh-      all this business about turning water      thers were tremendous feminists.



                And God Said, "Let There Be Cigarette Smoke!"
JIM MAEB
                     BLUFF STA4FF

         Jessica makes some intel-        pel of Thomas, that clearly indicate       as they wrote. That's why 1get a lot
esting points, but I respectfully dis-    the presence of an eleventh com-           of my faith from "The Ten Com-
agree. Biblical scholars have long        mandment: "Thou shalt smoke to             mandments," starring Charleton
postulated that rather than outlaw-       keep thee from breaking the other          Heston. The one thing that bothers
ing smoking, the verse "treat thy
body as thy temple" actually en-
                                          commandments, if it helps thou, for
                                          instance, in keeping thy hands off
                                                                                     me though, is that the command-
                                                                                     ments are shaped all wrong. It's
                                                                                                                                  B(esse4 are the poor aIn sot 'r
courages smoking. Temples were            thy neighbor's wife or livestock,          clear to me, from intensive study of
houses of worship, and as such there      etc." Of course, this commandment          the Gnostic Gospels (and from the
was     much      smoking      going      was lost over the years, as transla-       movic "Stigmata," starring Gabriel
on...incense, burnt offering, etc. So     tors-working under the aegis of the        Byme and Patricia Arquette), that
in a way, God's saying that we
should all smoke if we want to ad-
                                          Truth Campaign-decided it was in
                                          the public's (but more importantly,
                                                                                     the commandments were actually
                                                                                     shaped like a giant ashtray that
                                                                                                                                        Benson To Increase Parking
here to his rules. Haven't you ever       the insurance companies') best in-         Moses came sledding down the
noticed the camel and pyramid on
the Camel cigarette package? Ex-
                                          terest not to include it in standard
                                          issue bibles.
                                                                                     mountain on.
                                                                                              And from the Apocrypha,
                                                                                                                                            Violation Penalties
actly! These are clear allusions to                Being a devout Christian          we learn that at the end of Song of
the biblical mandate to smoke. And        myself, I find it difficult to justify     Solomon, the two lovers both en- I JILL JACZKOWSK1
the ten commandments should most          my faith in the translations of the        joy long, relaxing pulls from a                 LA CROSSE RESIDENT
certainly stay in Cameron Park.           Bible with the idea that I should          hooka, right after they get done do-
                                                                                                                                   As a proud employee of        from students? Nothing but whin-               IBenson Properties Inc.
Let's not forget about that elusive       have complete faith that the trans-        ing the nasty. Of course that hooka
                                                                                                                          Benson Properties, I am writing to     ing, crying, moaning, and bitching     prides itself on living up to La
"lost" book of the bible, The Gos-        lators were graced by God's word           was loaded with tobacco, right?
                                                                                                                          express my disgust with the whin-      have come to our ears. Suddenly        Crosse's values of showing com-
                                                                                                                          ing crybabies that make up UW-L        students are upset that they have      passion, tolerance, and respect to-
                                                                                                                          students. Here at Benson Manage-       to pay nearly eighty dollars for a     wards all diverse groups within the
                Kraze Daze Recount!                                                                                       ment, we strive to provide quality
                                                                                                                          housing that meets most state-
                                                                                                                                                                 ticket, which is a mere eight times
                                                                                                                                                                 the cost of a La Crosse City Po-
                                                                                                                                                                                                        community. For example, each
                                                                                                                                                                                                        year, we have donated one percent
                                                                                                                          mandated safety codes. Also, we        lice ticket--mere peanuts when all     of our profit towards maintaining
                           Dimpled Chads To Blame                                                                         have taken it upon ourselves to        is said and done.                      the Ten Commandments sculpture
                                                                                                                          address the subject of providing                Therefore, Benson Prop-       in Cameron Park, and the grand
                                                                                                                          easy access to parking for all of      erties Inc. is proud to announce       statue of Hiawatha next to the
                                                                                                                          our tenants. In our quest for open     that we have sacked Allied Tow-        mighty Mississippi River.
DAN JACKIELS                              stepped in after the Tuesday meet-         Resident Hall, feels the judgment
                                                                                                                          parking lots, we chose Allied Tow-     ing and developed a new parking                 So remember students, as
                     BL UFF S TAFF        ing in fear of a riot with the coming      was bias or tainted. Baird Hall did ing to patrol ours lots night and       policy. As of November 1st, 2003       you search for next year's hous-
          This year's winner of           results.                                   make a statement to the press, day. Their surveillance of the lots          we will incinerate all cars found      ing, look to Benson Management.
spirit week, Baird Hall, winner of
                                                   In resolution, the two or-        "Our residents participated faith-
                                                                                                                          and superior performance in boot-      to be in violation of Benson park-     We will stoop to any level to main-
                                          ganizations created a task force,          fully and compassionately. If it is ing cars makes me proud; the
the last three years running, is                                                                                                                                 ing lot codes. We believe that this    tain available parking in our lots.
                                          which trained through the night; in        so, that we did not in fact win KGB could not have gotten boots
being subject to a petition by Laux                                                                                                                              will drastically reduce the many       And good luck parking.
                                          case of a Friday night riot. Hope-         Kraze Daze, a third time in three
Hall. Thus, RHAC was petitioned                                                                                           on illegal cars faster than Benson.    complaints that we receive froom
                                          fully, both sides will stand down,         years, then we shall return our tro-
for a recount of Kraze Daze's fi-                                                                                                  I would like to ask, what     our tenants, as they will not longer
                                          upon the official result, but it is        phy to the rightful winner."
nal count on the Monday, follow-                                                                                          kind of response have we received      have cars to park.
                                          possible for an appeal, if either
ing the results. The margin was
slim, by a three point deficit be-
tween Laux Hall and Baird Hall,
with Baird pulling ahead by a hair.
The petition was publicly an-
nounced by the Laux Hall Staff
and Executive Board just this past
week, due to the fact that RHAC
had put the matter on the "back
burner."
          The reason to petition was
because the score tablets re-
sembled the butterfly vote sheets
used in Florida, for the Presiden-
tial Election of 2000. In regards
to the controversy, the chair of
Kraze Daze was removed into a
secure and undisclosed location
provided by the RHAC` ARC'
Committee. While under fire,
RHAC also held an emergency
meeting in an undisclosed location
on Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
with the fellow Office of Rcsi-
dence Life staff, recounting the
tabulations and discussing the pe-
                                                                                                                                                           Hisa $000 Bacardi-
tition.
          The president of' R111AC
followed with a public announce-
                                                                                                                                                                                        w2^x\08\x r o
ment, via the new UW-L cable sta-
tion, stating that the official results                                                                                                                         inCool            6'0'', Limon, Razz, CoCo, Vani'lal
will be bulleted on this colning                                                                                                                       BacardiStuff! ORuNE LEMON RASPBERRY COCONUT VAILm
Friday, also brought to students by
the campus station. Laux affliIi-
ates have been picketing outside
                                                                                                                                                                em^W^sT^W
of WILDER Hall for the past
week, hoping to find the OutcoelC
in their favor. The UW-L Senate
                               E n t e rtai n me nt
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                                                                             Thursday, October 30, 2003                                                     Page 4



           Standol' at GraffMain Hal          WMCM Program Receives
LOU ALBAN                                  ward to possibly ask for the release
                       BL UFF ST4 FF
           An estimated 30 to 40 HPR
students are currently being held hos-
                                             Academy Award Nomination
                                           of any wounded. Tragically, a barrage
                                          of hanrless infrared beams and sound
                                          effects such as "ZAP," 'PUI" and the
                                                                                    if they persist, \\e wcl ha ve to Shoot
                                                                                    them once Iore - CauLising
                                                                                                   IC             gilIr
                                                                                    to make anl exp(losion nolise and turn
                                                                                                                           vCsts

tage in Graff Main Hall by a splinter
fraction of laser-taggers led by Ben
                                          dreaded -BZUU BZUtJ BZU11," in-
                                          stantly struck him down The only
                                                                                    off. TItlt     an11s thllC' I be o(Ut of thle
                                                                                    gamae. If wve coaln deaIctivate ai l of their                               "Week in Review" Up for Oscar
Wangaard. Sporting shiny vests,           communications received by the LTL        vests. \we wNin and yet to choose the             ROB LONGROPE                               low funded program gets more                                  student population). Future
blinky lights, and menacing (yet          have stated that if their demands         arena for tile next gane."                                                 BL UFF STA FF     attention than our big budget                                plans for renovation include a
harmless) laser guns, a squad of          aren't met, they will shoot one more                 tUtil tlie end of the crisis,
twenty laser ninja led by Ben                                                       tile police are issuing a ban otl all                      Jubilation is the one             blockbusters, then we need to do                              solid gold statue of the WIR logo
                                          hostage every hou1r w ith their lasers.
Wangaard snuck into Graff this            Thus the hostages are completely safe     camping. Originally meant to prevent              word used to describe the moods            something different. Maybe I'll                              to be put on top of the building
morning under the disguise of being       but the police worry how this will        'calpers," a popular computer term                at Wing Technology Center Stu-             sell one of my Hummers. 1mean,                                in hopes of attracting lightning
waiters. When it was pointed out to       affect their score in later rounds.       referring to those who get a good                 dio these days. This is because            how can this make more money                                 charges in order to supply the
them that Graff Hall has no need for                The situation doesn't appear    vantage point and wait to zap new
                                                                                                                                      the Screen Actors Guild has no-            than a Vin Diesal movie?"                                    building with energy cheaply.
waiters, they took control of the main    to be improving any time soon. Quote      plavers, local law enforcement has
                                                                                                                                                                                          WIR (Week in Review)
                                                                                                                                      tified us that WMCM's flagship                                                                          "In your face Mother Nature!"
lecture hall and pronounced them-         Police Chiel' Rhodes "It's very diffi-    interpreted the edict to include all
selves leaders of the "Laser Tag                                                    actual callmpers. Any one found in                program has been nominated for             has accepted the nomination with                             said a power hungry WMCM
                                          cult to gauge exactly how long this
League." Within minutes the                                                         possession of tents, sleeping bags,               the most prestigious award in all          grace and dignity. The small stu-                            producer. He then proceeded to
                                          situation will last. Our current weap-
University's security showed its          onry has no effect on their sensor        s mores materials, ComTIpasses, hiking            of Hollywood, The Academy                  dio is currently being renovated                             laugh manically for the remain-
strength by blocking several roads        vests. Unless we can pick up our own      boots, matches or other camping                   Award. Other producers are run-            so it takes up the entire Wing Fa-                           der of the conversation.
with barricades. Still, despite their     laser-tag equipment and some double       paraphernalia will receive a 200-dol-             ning scared because of the threat          cility. It will be renamed Roger                                      Watch the show that is
valiant barricading surrounding Graff     A batteries at Target, the situation      lar fine and/or 20 days in jail.
                                                                                                                                                                                 HaeringStudio and Technologi-                                now a golden moneymaker for
                                                                                                                                      that WMCM poses to their busi-
Main Hall, they couldn't dislodge the     looks grim."                                        Next wveek. tile Racquet will
                                                                                                                                      nesses.                                    cal Learning Center and will                                 the UWL campus Thursday af-
20 guerrillas who'd seized Graff,                   In response to what would       have an eCxclusive interview with the
their first attempt to storm the build-                                             leader of this laser-tagging move-                         One big time producer             have steel gates built to keep out                           ternoon on campus channel 5 or
                                          happen after the equipment was at-
ing was botched when they realized        tained, Police Chief Rhodes replied       ment, Ben Wangaard. We will finally               who asked us to withhold his               "the normals" (as WMCM em-                                   Charter channel 6. You won't
their barricades were so effective that   "Then we would have to tag them           get inside the mind of a laser-tagger             name was heard to say, "If some            ployees have begun calling the                               be dissapointed!
they, themselves, couldn't reach the      with the lasers until their vests give    and discover how the game works,
building.                                 out a siren. That means they can only     how much it costs, where we can play
           Soon afterwards, a negotia-
tor from the Red Cross was sent for-
                                          receive one more hit. They may be
                                          open to negotiation at that point but
                                                                                    it ?a n d w h t t he
                                                                                    means.
                                                                                                 a         te n
                                                                                                             r    ' nOOb" exactly I
                                                                                                                                                     The Truth About Freshmen
        Harry, Ron, and Hermione to                                                                                                   LOU ALBAN

                                                                                                                          Hi, this article is about
                                                                                                                                                               BLUFFSTAFF
                                                                                                                                                                                              Q and A:
                                                                                                                                                    some kid just because the kid in- Q: Why is everyone so obsessed
                                                                                                                                                    sulted Reuter Hall.                       about freshmen'?
                                                                                                                freshmen, REAL FRESHMEN.
    Die in Latest Harry Potter Book                                                                             This article is awesome. My
                                                                                                                name is Lou, and I can't stop
                                                                                                                                                    REAL
                                                                                                                                                             And that's what I call A: Freshmen are the ultimate
                                                                                                                                                                                  ULTIMATE paradox. On the one hand
                                                                                                                                                    POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                   they're college students, but on
J. K. Rowling Ruins Popular Line of Children's Books                                                            thinking about freshmen. These
                                                                                                                kids are cool - and by cool, I
                                                                                                                                                               ..................
                                                                                                                                                             If you don't believe that the other hand, they have no
PHIL FREDERICKS                      test will be employed followed by a Rowling, for a "brilliant piece of mean totally sweet.                     freshmen have REAL ULTI- idea what they're doing.
                     BLUFF STAFF burning at the stake. Rowling denied strategy in Capturing and convert-                                            MATE POWER you better get a Q: I heard that freshmen are al-
          Almost everyone has heard this, stating that those methods were ing the minds of our youth." Sales                                        life right now or they will apply ways drunk or horny. What's
                                                                                                                Facts:
 of the name Harry Potter. Whether "too cliche" and that the real end of the older books have actually                                              to your college!!! (It's an easy their problem?
 in book, movie, or mass merchan- will involve, "plenty of explosions, tripled as many who refused to read 1. Freshmen are mammals.                 choice, if you ask me.)                   A: Whoever told you that is a
dising format, the genre of spell helicopters and brimstone."             the book before rush to catch up 2. Freshmen drink ALL the                         Freshmen                     are total liar. Just like other mam-
casting and mystery solving has de-            News of Harry Potter's de- with the story. To quote one reader, time.
lighted many youths of all ages. mise caused shockwaves across the
                                                                                                                                                    soooooooooo sweet that I want mals, freshmen can be drunk
                                                                           '1 really wasn't interested when the 3. The purpose of the freshman
However, in a surprise move this world, especially to children. Many books were blasphemous. How- is to go to college                               to crap my pants. I can't believe AND totally awesome.
                                                                                                                                      and act awk- it sometimes but I feel it
weekend, J.K. Rowling announced children, upon hearing the news, re- ever, now that they're going to                                                                                   inside Q; What do freshmen do when
                                                                                                                ward.
the release of the final book in her fused to leave their rooms and child show that evil little necromancer's                                       my heart. These guys are totally they're not taking Gen Eds or
series, Harry Potterand the Conse- psychologists report a 200% jump downfal l, I want
                                                                                             to know every de- Testimonial:                         awesome and that's a fact. Fresh- flipping out?
quences of Witchcraft. Rowling also in clientele, even though the book tail."                                                                       men are fast, smooth, cool, A: Most of their free time is
announced to the surprise of many, hasn't even been released yet. "It's                                                  Freshmen can enter col- strong,
                                                                                     Perhaps most ironically,                                                powerful, and sweet. I spent flying, but sometimes
that she is in fact a fundamentalist absolutely horrible what that                                              lege any time they want! Fresh-
                                                                          Pagans and Wiccans across                                                 can't wait until my UWL 100 they dance to gangster rap mu-
Orthodox Christian and that Harry Rowling woman has done," says
                                                                          America and Europe are now join- men apply to college ALL the class starts.                                         sic. (Ask Mark if you don't be-
and his friends would finally get one psychologist, Hans Gruber, "I
                                                                          ing in mass burning of the books, time and don't even think twice                                                   lieve me.)
what was coming to them. To quote get kids coming in here who have                                              about it. These guys are so crazy
                                                                          proclaiming them as "propaganda
Rowling, "Yes, Harry and his already developed phobias. They                                                                                                                                                                 I
                                                                          and persecution" against their kind. and awesome that they flip out
friends have had their fun. They can't bear to see owls, broomsticks
                                                                          Regardless of who is burning them, ALL the time. I heard there was
played with evil magic. Now I will or pentagrams. It's a tragedy so
                                                                          according to the EPA approxi- this freshman that was eating at
show all of America what happens many childhoods are being simul-
                                                                          mately 20 percent of the Earth's
to those who practice witchcraft." taneously crushed at once."                                                  a diner, and when some dude
                                                                          atmosphere is now composed of
Though the end of Harry and friends            Meanwhile, the fundamen-                                         dropped his college thesis, the
                                                                          carbon from the Harvvn Potter se-
seems imminent, Rowling was still talist Christian groups (which once
                                                                          ries. People worldwide are recom- freshman killed the whole town.
vague as to the methods that will be were responsible for 90% of the
used. Drafts for the cover art sug- burnt Harry Potter particles in the
                                                                          mended to wear masks to facilitate My friend Mark said that he saw              OPEN MON-TNU 6 -5P FPI-SUN ® - PMl
                                                                          breathing. The elderly and those a freshman totally uppercut                                                ,                . . .
                                                                                                                                                                                                    - ..
                                                                                                                                                                                                       .. ..             .
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   - . . .



gest that the usual drowning or float     atmosphere) are now praising
                                                                                    with asthma should stay indoors.
                                                                                                                                                                                          Oct. 25th                          @9pm: Cowboy/Cowgirl Night
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Westernwear Can Win you Prizes!
 Radical New Equestrian
                                                                                                                                                                                           Oct.                31St: Halloween Costume Party!
 Loan Plan to Eliminate                                                                                                                                                                                            Judgement @ 12:30am!!!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                         PRIZES!!
Virtually All Student Debt
                  Quote from a student:
                                                                                                                                                                                                   ~~~D.J.
            "If it weren't for that horse,
               I wouldn't have spent                                                                                                                                                                       FR.IDAYf & S:;r:It.HDAY,
                that year in college."                                                                                                                                                                        10 p>,m. TO CILOSE
                                                                                                                                                                                                           HISTRIC. ,DOWNT*OWN LA CHO
                                                                                                                                                                                           TJ~~~~                                                :                          ROS

                                          For further information, please turn
                                          to page 69.                                                                                                                                                          ?i4 tvni            c(ow, 84,25SJ~
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                ~ lojr
                                                                                                                                      1                    ,




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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               _                                                                :    a~i: I
                                                                 n Your Birthday!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     -f, : I
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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           iJ
                                         Entertainment
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years
                                                                                                                                -   -
                                                                                                                                                                                              Thursday, October 30, 2003                                        Page 5



            Ninj a Related Accidents                  Vodka-Red Bull Party
            on Campus Down 250%                    Surpnsingly Lands Steve in Jail
          Ninjaz, Gaijin Students to Work Together          Once Again
        on Revolutionary New Non-aggresion Pact                                                                                               MASTER SMITH                                to a residence,"). When he an-                       me that by a 3-2 vote they'd de-
LOU ALBAN                 _______         Kunoichi), was the first to realize      5. Ii a Ninja shoots an arrow at you,                                              BLUFFSTAFF          swered the door Steve greeted me                     cided to leave him home alone for
                        BLUFF STAFF       the existence of this competition        try to catch it in initlair, then snap it                               As a veteran writer for        in the usual way that I've become                   the weekend. In preparation for
           It's a commonplace cir-        and write about it. Ile was also the     over VOL11- k-IeC. By rule of the                              The Bluff; I've had the unique op-      accustomed to, "Hey man, you're                     this momentous occasion Steve
 cumstance at UWL and colleges            first non-Brazilian to travel through    Geneva Conventio, the Ninja will                               portunity over the past few years       that dude from that paper thing on                  had planned on having a Vodka-
 across America: A college student is     time.                                    have to break his bow over his knee                           to become acquaintances with             campus, all right, all right." He in-                Red Bull party to start off the fes-
 taking out the trash after hours when              Fact Two: Ninjas fight         out of awesome respee2t.                                      many famous individuals. Rapper          vited me in and gave me a tour of                   tivities. When I explained to him
 he hears a chirping noise from be-       ALL the time. If you see a Ninja                                                                        Snow, Blossom, and Grandpa from         his place. It was amazing. Every-                   that this dangerous combination of
 hind the dumpsters. He looks into the    and no one else is around, odds are      4. It you hear crickets. run away as                          The Munsters are just a few of the       where I looked I saw amenities                       liquor and caffeine leaves most
 darkness only to startle a Ninja, who    that the two of you will be fighting     fast as possible (wnhile keeping rule                         names that come to mind. But, if I
                                                                                   6 in mind). Ninjas often carry small                                                                   through out the house like top of                   people in a destructive, rambunc-
 has no choice but to kill him for dis-   immediately, and you will lose. The                                                                    really had to narrow the list down
 covering his hiding spot. Over the                                                boxes of crickets with tlemn to cover                                                                  the line stereo equipment, leather                  tious and obliterated state of mind,
                                          only time Ninjas don't fight is dur-                                                                   to just one person after all the in-
 past three years, this senseless vio-                                             any small noises they mnake while ad-                                                                  couches, a fully stocked bar and                    Steve replied, "It's not a party un-
                                          ing meditation, and even during that                                                                   terviews and exposes that I've
 lence has claimed the lives of                                                    vancinug oina target.                                                                                  above all a 64 inch big screen tele-                less something gets broken man".
                                          they fight in their minds.                                                                             done, I'd have to go with a certain
 8,659,932 college students. How-                                                                                                                                                         vision. He explained to me that ev-                 When I reminded him that every-
                                                    Fact Three: The purpose of                                                                   fifth year sophomore named Steve
 ever, circumstances appear to be                                                  3. Bullets callt kill Ninjas. Not even                                                                 erything in the house was pretty                    thing in the house was not his to
                                          the Ninja is to flip out and kill                                                                      Stevenson.
 changing. Over the weekend,                                                        One million bullets can kill a ninja.                                                                 much his roommates but defended                     begin with he just said, "Ah man
                                          people. They can kill anyone they
 278,000 ninja clans, 8204 fraterni-                                               So don't even trv. In fact. only a Ninja                                Some of you might re-          himself by saying he supplied the                   don't worry, the Steve-man's got
                                          want! They cut off heads ALL THE
 ties and 5671 sororities signed a                                                 could theoretically kill a Ninja, but                         member Steve from the article that       rusty aquarium in the garage                        it under control (crash!!)...whoops
                                          TIME, and don't even think twice
 "Non-aggression Pact", signifying a                                               only after fighting and killing at least                      came out last spring entitled, Stu-      (which also had a large crack go-
                                          about it!! Ninjas have kept to this                                                                                                                                                                 I hope that wasn't expensive."
 revolutionary step forward in the re-                                             a dozen millions in a climactic mini-                         dent Excited to Live with Parents
                                          hallowed purpose for years and                                                                                                                  ing down the middle of it and was                             By about 11:45 pm there
 duction of shuriken related deaths.                                               battle.                                                       for the Summer. Well, Steve lived
                                          seem bent on continuing to keep it.                                                                                                             leaking water all over the floor).                  were some seventy-five odd
 To quote one Ninja, Kinjiro                                                                                                                     up to his reputation by not finding                When I asked how he'd                     strangers at Steve's drinking and
                                          While the Pact has been unable to        2. Ninjas hate golfers, pirates, and                        . a job all summer, getting five pub-
 Katayama, "We're really getting
                                          dissuade Ninjas from flipping out        samurai, in that order. If you intend                                                                  gotten the money to afford living                   slowly destroying the house. I
 tired of disposing of your bodies."                                                                                                             lic intoxication tickets, and driv-
                                          and killing people, we CAN reduce        to major in "Intrarnural Shogun Pi-                       j                                            in such a nice place with a bunch                   asked Steve if he thought that the
According to the document, Ninjas                                                                                                                ing his dad's new company car
                                          the number of senseless Gaijin           rating Golf.- yoLu may as well corn-                                                                   of guys he replied, "Ah man, my                     party was getting out of hand at
 agree to reduce the number of col-                                                                                                              through an Amish bam in his birth-
                                          deaths by reducing risky, ninja-         mit seppuku right now.                                                                                 dad backed over me with his car                     which point he took a swing at me
 lege students they slice, dice, shoot,                                                                                                          day suit with a half empty case of
                                          taunting behaviors through these                                                                                                                so I could collect the insurance                    and people had to tackle him to
poison, stab or hadoken (mystical
                                          ten simple tips:                          1. The powers of individual Ninjas                           Schlitz riding shotgun. After hear-      and, as he put it, go out into the                  keep him off of me. He was yell-
 fireball) into dust every month pro-
                                                                                   are dependent upon the color of their                         ing about this summer's adven-           world and pretend my mother and                     ing out, "Shut up Earl, you know
vided that college students take man-
                                          10. Never open windows. To a             uniforn. White uniformed Ninja are                            tures through the police blotter, I      him were on a permanent vaca-                       you had that ace of spades," even
datory Ninja Safety Programs.
                                          Ninja, an open window is an              evil and work for samurai. Black uni-                         thought it would be a good idea to
           These classes are intended                                                                                                                                                     tion". When I asked Steve how                       though we hadn't played cards all
                                          equivalent of a "diss." It's as if you   formed Ninja are usually good em-                             do a follow up story on Steve and
to eliminate the lack of understand-                                                                                                                                                      much of the seven grand he had                      night. After Steve turned the liv-
                                          were saying a Ninja could never          ployees of Ninja Burger(tm). Red                              see how he is doing this semester.
 ing that has perpetuated Ninja hate                                                                                                                                                      left after receiving the settlement                 ing room into a foam party with
                                          sneak in that window without be-         uniformed Ninja are the most danger-                                    When I pulled up to his
and discrimination throughout the                                                                                                                                                         check 2 months ago he replied, "                    insulation, I felt like it was time to
                                          ing heard, even if they tried. My        ous of all and were single-handedly
centuries. Many students are predis-                                                                                                             house, I was quite surprised to see      Ah about four hundred dollars". I                   check out for the night.
                                          friend Mark said that he saw a Ninja     responsible for ending two World                           |
posed to believe that Ninjas are evil                                                                                                            how nice and expensive it looked.        asked if tuition and rent payments                            It wasn't until the next day
                                          totally uppercut some kid just be-       Wars and the destruction of Alderaan.                    |
out of Ninja-phobia. The classes in-                                                                                                             I wondered how Steve had ever            had been the killer but he ex-                      that I received a call from Steve
                                          cause he opened a window.                However, considering how stealthy                        [
tend to demonstrate that Ninjas can
                                                                                   Ninjas are, the chances of you being                     I landed such a place given that he           plained to me that between                          asking if I could come down to the
be mean OR totally awesome, just                                                                                                                 was black listed from obtaining
                                          9. When walking around at night,         able to judge them by color are close                                                                  Oktoberfest, harvest season, and a                  courthouse and bail him out of jail.
like other ordinary people (Except                                                 to nil.                                                       renter's insurance years ago for
                                          be sure to walk in straight lines with                                                                                                          gentleman's club up the road he                     When I asked what he had done to
that Ninjas can fly). According to
                                          your hands in the air shouting,                    So now you know how to                         I reasons that he doesn't want to dis-        was pretty much tapped out.                         land himself in there, he said he
www.realultimatepower.net (one of                                                  get along with our brethren in black,                         cuss (but the company calls him,
the primary sources for the class's       "Ninjas are totally sweet!" This will                                                                                                                     When I inquired into                      couldn't remember but he knew it
                                          convince any Ninja hiding in the
                                                                                   the Ninja... And that's what I call                           " a fire hazard," and, "detrimental      where his roommates were he told
text) there are three facts to keep in                                             REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                   Continued on Next Page ...
                                                                                                                                            i
mind when dealing with Ninjas.            shadows that you are unarmed and
                                          respectful.
           Fact One: Ninjas are mam-
mals. This seems fairly obvious, but
the implications of the statement are     8. Be careful with spoons. I heard
                                                                                   a~lnr:                                       LTC,
                                                                                                                                 AO                                                 -ro
great. As mammals, Ninjas are
warm-blooded. This limits their
habitation to areas between the Arc-
                                          that there was this Ninja who was
                                          eating at a diner, and when some
                                          dude dropped a spoon, the Ninja
                                                                                   Halloween
                                          killed the whole town.
                                                                                   Tomorrow marks the annual holiday of Halloween. Some costumers love this celebration of the dead, while others are
tic Circle and the Antarctic Circle.
This is also the primary area of liv-                                              easily frieghtened. What does La Crosse and UW-L think?
ing for most college students. Now,       7. When ordering Ninja Burger(tm),
it seems only natural that a certain      always order wasabi sauce. To not
amount of conflict arises between         do so would be to disrespect your
the two groups as they compete for        ancestors.                                                                                                                                                                                            "Now I can dress like every
                                                                                                                                            "Oktoberfest, Cubbies parties,
limited resources.                                                                                                                          Homecoming festivities, J.MILL,                                                                     other girl on this campus for
Karl Marx, son of a Russian Tsar and      6. Never make sudden movements.                                                                                                                                                                       one day."
                                          Ever.
                                                                                                                                            Halloween. Does this madness
a Japanese female Ninja (a                                                                                                                  ever stop? BooYa!"


                                                                                                     Adam, Fester                                                                                     Lindsay, Spice Girl



                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            "What you see is what you get.
                                                                                                                                             "Iwanted to go as Gary Busey, but                                                              This is my damn costume, get
                                                                                                                                            I ended up looking like Nick Nolte                                                               it?."
                                                                                                                                            instead."




                                                                                                         Jimmy, Goblin
                                                                                                                                                                                          Dustin, Minnasota SuburbanTownie




                                                                                                                                            "I'm thinking about going to par-
                                                                                                                                            ties dressed as a sore loser from                                                                 "I've got flaming bags of dog
                                                                                                                                            a reality show who exposed her                                                                    shit, toilet paper, eggs, shaving
                                                                                                                                            boobs in a nudie magazine."                                                                       cream and ."
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                                                                                                 Sarah, Joe Loser
                                                                                   Note: The preceding comments are used solely for comedic purposes and do not in any way reflect the thoughts of the people pictured. The pictures were either submitted individually or found in a public
                                                                                   access picture uallervon the world wide web. In no    3dote Doints oviwexpressed in "Whinled Viewpoints" reflect views of The Racauiet. Photo of celebrity auest courtesv of worid wide web.              I
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                                                                                   I                                                    iI                                          IELUTHERAN CHURCH MISSOURI SYNOD


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The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                 Music                                                             Thursday, October 30, 2003                                Page 6

 Dave Matthews Band to Play at La Crosse Center                                                                                                Goulet to Play Christmas Show in Cellar!
JIM     IYPEEPS         .                   around," Dave told reporters at the            in La Crosse. This tour is to run              JIMMY PEEPS                                     great of a performer I really am. I'm       derstand the true meaning of his
                      BLUFFSTAFF            bands' press release. "Since we've             through mid April and then in May                                   BLUFF STAFF                not like that rufus, rustian Will Farrell   work, like Old School. This tour
          After the success of Dave         taken some time apart, we need these                                                                  In a sur-                                                 who only believes         would also be the perfect time to get
                                                                                           the band will return to the studio to
Matthews solo record Some Devil,            smaller, more intimate, gigs to get
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                        inrse attempt to get                                                he'c9 ant the choncS.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            11V RV; JIiv SHIvt        people to go out and see his new
                                                                                           mold their new songs into the fol-           r..   .      --- 5-
Dave Matthews will re-embark with           our things together again; to work                                                          students involved                                                   I'm the real deal         movie, Alf, which debuts this No-
                                                                                           low up to their last CD, Busted Stuff.
his fellow band members on a North          out the kinks. We'd also love to                                                          f in
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                            this campus,                                                    baby! Goulet will         vember.
                                                                                                     Ticketmaster will begin
American tour. Only this time               reach out to our hardcore fans and                                                          CAB has decided                                                     show you the great-                 Another surprise to the Cel-
                                                                                           selling tickets November 1st at            i
around, they will be playing in some        road test our next batch of songs                                                         i to pick the infa-
                                                                                                                                                                                                            est rendition of          lar will be Will's getup. It's almost
                                                                                            10:00 p.m. If their last tour was typi-
smaller cities to start with. Luck-         we've been crafting before we go                                                            mous        Robert                                                  These are afew of my      a for sure deal that he will dress up
                                                                                           cal of how fast their gigs sell out,
ily, La Crosse is included in this list.    back into the studio."                                                                      Goulet to perform                                                   Favorite Things !         as Robert Goulet. Don't expect him
                                                                                           you'd better go online at
For the band, it will be their first                  This statement hinted at a                                                        at the Cellar this                                                  You'll see!"              to pull off the costume during the
                                                                                           Hwvv. ticketmaster.  com and get your
stop ever in La Crosse, WI.                 possible winter 2004 release for their                                                      December. He told                                                      It's easy to see why   show either. If anyone has seen his
                                                                                           tickets as soon as possible. This
          "We wanted to do some-                                                                                                        reporters that this                                                 Robert Goulet was a       performance of Robert Goulet on the
                                            next album. Their North American               could be a once in a life time oppor-
thing different and special this time                                                                                                   college tour con-                                                   bit upset. Will has       Conan O'Brien Show, than you will
                                            tour is slated to kick off January 17th        tunity for any DMB fans to see them
                                                                                                                                        quest will be about                                                 probably distorted        realize that he's not known for com-
                                                                                           in La Crosse.                                                                                                                              ing out of his character until the show
                                                                                                                                      I him and his snappy                                                  Goulet's image to the
                                                                                                                                      i renditions of old                                                   public eye. One           production is over.
                                                                                                                                        Christmas tunes.                                                    could say Goulet
 Saves The Day Proclaimed Worst                                                                                                       t
                                                                                                                                      I
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                        ,He also reported                                     went from being a
                                                                                                                                        that he might throw in a modem hit joke-y lounge and joke-y Christmas
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                        song like The Thong Song for good tunes singer to being...well, a joke.

                            Band in the County
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                      I
                                                                                                                                      I
                                                                                                                                      i
                                                                                                                                        measure.                                       Days after reading Goulet's
                                                                                                                                                 Robert Goulet has been quote, Will Farrell has apparently
                                                                                                                                      i around for many years but only re- patched things up with the man. Al-
                                                                                                                                      iI has he been introduced to this though Rob seemed a little distraught
                                                                                                                                        cently
                                                                                                                                      I generation's youth. Goulet told the at Will Farrell, the rumor that Will
JOSEPH ALFRED                              was discovered to have one of the               other losers left in attendance," said     I media the other day, "I feel like I'm Farrell will join Robert Goulet on
                                                                                                                                      i
          EDITOR-IN-CHIEF                  least desired voices to listen to.              Trikmen.                                   i doing the world a friggin' service.
                                                                                                                                      I                                       stage has been ringing more true as                              The "Goulets" will appear
                                                       Strangely, all of the top 10                  There were some, however,        | Since the younger generation has fi- the days go by. On Farrell's'website,
                                                                                                                                      I                                                                                               in the Cellar on December 4th. Look
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      for fliers soon, and tell all your
                                                       worst bands were classified as      that disagreed with the Rolling Stone      ' nally found out about my talents, I it states that he wants to reach out to
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      friends!
                                                       emo. "Emo musicians really          poll. "Man, I was at that show in          I have decided to show them how the college students who seem to un-
                                                       need to re-evaluate what
                                                       they're doing. We're no
                                                                                           Minneapolis, and it was great. I had           Vodka-Red Bull Party Continued ...
                                                                                           great seats and everything. I'd bi-
                                                                                                                                         involved Erbert & Gerbert's, an dering from being set on ffire with                          replied, "I had a brand new can
                                                       slouches at what we do here,        cycle to the tip of South America to       {
                                                       and the results clearly show no     see those guys again," said over en-
                                                                                                                                         argument with someone over the the words "crap bucket"" spray-                               opener I got from Wal-Mart
                                                                                                                                       '
                                                       one gives two craps and a           thusiastic fan Nathan Hoffinen.                Thunder Cats cartoon, and resist- painted on the door. Besid that, des                      around here somewhere man."Af-
                                                       nickel about this type of mu-                 Not really a surprise, was          ing arrest with no pants on. I asked all of the grass in their ye was
                                                                                                                                                                                                             lard                     ter looking hard for a couple of
                                                       sic. Have you heard their           the choice of Saves The Day song,             him how many times this same burnt to a crisp, along withi several                           minutes, Steve found his can
                                                       frontman attempt to hit a high      Nightingale as "The Worst Song to          ( thing has happened before but lawn darts stuck into the ssiding of                            opener in the drawer where he had
                                                       note? It's worse than listen-       Listen to". "I'll agree with that,"           when he ran out of fingers on the the house. When we walke .d inside                         last left it but was unable to find
                                                       ing to Oscar the Grouch try to      said a suddenly more realistic                first hand I just decided to just pull I couldn't believe my eyes. .The liv-                 the 300 disc changer and one big
                                                       n'
                                                        -»nfunini   gm                                               11lht;,n
                                                                                                         Hor~~~~~~~~lliitmll.  1
                                                                                                                               v
                                                                                                                   -lVigntingate         the car around instead. I figured I ing room looked third wolOrd with                        screen television.
                                                 said                                                  is a horrible song. I wish        needed to finish up my story and puddles and stains I couldnn't iden-                                  Sometimes in life you
         A recent poll by the editors      Rolling                                                     they'd never recorded             I also kind of felt sorry for the guy. tify or even imagine existe' d. When                  have to cut yourself loose from the
and staff of Rolling Stone deter-          Stone di-                       *                           that monstrosity."                           All of that pity soon left I asked who had urinated all over
mined that the 'emo' band Saves                                                                                                                                                                                                       people around you. In this case, I
                                           rector ofUp -'                 tee;                                 Some were sur-            my thoughts when we arrived at the stove and broken kitch4 table    en
 The Day is "The Worst Band in the                                                                                                                                                                                                    had to cut Steve loose when I saw
                                           polling."                                      '^ "%-prised by the abundance                  his house. Apparently, the last Steve reluctantly lowered I head    his
Country". In conjunction with be-                                                                                                                                                                                                     his landlord getting out of his
                                                                                         ^wat'a"'ll^"'               --- showing
                                                                                                       of emo, bands -_ - ..-- 5
                                                                                                        __-  -                           thing that Steve recalls is putting and wouldn't make eye contact
ing named "The Worst Band in the                                                                                                                                                                                                      truck with a bat in one hand and a
                                           The last                                                      up on the bottom of the         a guy he had just met on the street with me.
Country", the band also received           fac to r                                                      barrel. But, most doing                                                                                                      board with a nail in the other. If
                                                                                                                                         in charge of the house when he left              When I tried to bbring up                   Steve's Vodka-Red Bull Party has
the dubious honor of having their          that was                                                      the polling discovered
song, Nightingale, chosen as "The                                                                                                        to go downtown. The first thing I the fact that all of his root nmmates                      taught us anything, it's that you
                                           used in                                                       that emo bands are cop-         saw when I pulled up was that all stuff was either broken or -trashed
Most Awful Song in the Nation".            deter-                                                        outs who are afraid to                                                                                                       should choose your friends wisely
         Several factors came into                                                                                                       of the windows in the house had and that they'd be furiouas when                             - and choose your sub-leaser's
                                           mining                                                        get a day job. Appar-
play when determining the results.                                                                                                       been punched out and that two of they got home, he only go t defen-                          even wiser. Good luck with the
                                           the over-                                                     ently "emo" is short for
First of all, all bands that were ei-      all re-                                                       "emotional ." "I've             his roommate's cars had been bro- sive and said that he had lo)st some                       law suit Steve.
tber punk, emo or indie rock were          s u I t s,                                                    heard lots of bands that        ken into. One was even still smol- things to. When I asked A        what, he
                                           v1                                             a                                                                    ,, , " -I :   :,% I                                                           I iI           I,,,--.            --
                                                e!..   F..                                    m*   ,I.         A- r_   tA
                                                                                                                                                 :,      : "
                                                                                                                                                                       '         -!%:^-.`
                                                                                                                                                                               Ca' 4*-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              *        ;              **
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       ^;te,
 what freaking genre of music they         sands of concerts and                                                       e m o -
are! How can they not be "The              witnessed which bands                                                       tional for
Worst Band in the Country"?"
screamed Rolling Stone staff mem-
                                           had the most people
                                           leave before the show
                                                                                                                       me," said                                                            EDEN    "WEOL
ber Jonathan Trikmen. "1 mean,
when you're talking Aerosmith,
                                           was over. You guessed
                                           it, Saves The Day was
                                                                                                                       Trikmen.
                                                                                                                       " P Iu s
                                                                                                                        t h e y
                                                                                                                                                                                             SHOOLS
you're talking rock. No questions
about it." Saves The Day didn't re-
                                           the winner (or loser, if
                                           you think about it). "At
                                                                                                                        d on ' t
                                                                                                                        suck and
                                                                                                                                                                                   Come see us at the
spond to any of the phone calls that       a show in Minneapolis,                                                       actually
Rolling Stone placed asking them
to comment on being tagged "The
                                           by the time the group
                                           started playing their
                                                                                                                        k n o w
                                                                                                                        w h a t
                                                                                                                                                                                     Fall Teacher
Worst Band in the Country".                fifth song, well over half                                                   kind of
          Another factor that helped       the people in attendance                                                     mu sic                                             Em         loyen Semnrf
in determining "The Band No One            had already found the                                                       they are
Cares For' was overall quality of
sound. Saves The Day i front man
                                           exit signs. Before their main set was          making."                                                                                 OnfNo   r 2003
                                           concluded, it was only me and 3
                                                                                                                                                                                                  #W- La Crosse




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The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                                                           Sports-                                                                  -
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Thursday, October 30, 2003
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   -   -
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Page 7




                                                                                    ~BCS                                           C                          B                         andits
Eagles knock off Oklahoma in college footba 11s biggest upset ever!
!QDDFABOS                           would win the game.                                                                didn't want to risk injury to                               JamesNeuintotlhehalfbackpo-                                 a hefty 62 times for a respect- want to know if La Crosse can
                          SPOR TS EDITOR      The only score of the en-                                                some of his star players, so he                             sition.                                                     able 50 yards.                    break into the top 25 of the di-
         All Oklahoma had to do tire ball game happened on the                                                         inserted seldom used fullback                                       Neu would carry the ball                                     "Neu was a football star vision 1polls and also just how
was win out. They controlled opening kick-off. Junior Matt                                                                                                                                                                                     back at Hustisford High School far the Sooners will plummet.
their own fate. OU and the Uni- Pagel received the kick on the                                                                                                                                                                                 and hes got pretty good size. We          "I guess we can kiss our
versity of Miami were the top UW-L 8-yard line and returned                                                                                                                                                                                    didn't want to see Mocadlo    get national title hopes goodbye,"
two teams by a landslide in the it straight up the middle of the                                                                                                                                                                               hurt, so we decided to play Neu. said Stoops in the understate-
initial BCS rankings. Perhaps field for a 92-yard touchdown                                                                                                                                                                                    He wasn't spectacular, but he ment of the century.
the Sooners got caught in look- return. It was all the Eagles                                                                                                                                                                                  never turned the ball over," said         Yet another interesting
ing ahead. After Oklahoma would need. It appeared Pagel                                                                                                                                                                                        Terry.                                                      aspect of the UW-L huge upset
made Texas look like a high was going to be brought down                                                                                                                                                                                                Neus best play occurred                            is the amount of money it
school team, a mid-season non- by the Sooners kicker, but Pagel                                                                                                                                                                                halfway through the fourth quar-                            brought to the La Crosse com-
conference game against a little simply flattened him on the way                                                                                                                                                                               ter when he rushed left side,                               munity. The Eagles were 45
Division 3 school in western to pay dirt.                                                                                                                                                                                                      shred through the Oklahoma                                  point underdogs according to
Wisconsin was next on tap.                    "This is unreal really. I                                                                                                                                                                        defensive line, breaking tackles                            the Las Vegas odds. Many
         Sooners head coach Bob was just happy we would be able                                                                                                                                                                                left and right while rumbling for                           'homers' who bet on their home-
Stoops said, "We thought it'd be to get on the board early," said                                                                                                                                                                              a 2-yard gain. The play resulted                            town team won a lot of dinero
great to hit the road and just Pagel. "It's even better that we                                                                                                                                                                                in an enormous UW-L first                                   from the game.
show our guys what a division beat them. Plus there is no way                                                                                                                                                                                  down.                                                                The Eagles sealed the
3 atmosphere is like. Get a taste I was going to be brought down                                                                                                                                                                                        Although it was Pagels                             game for good, when after 50
for playing against players who by some scrawny kicker."                                                                                                                                                                                       return that put the games only                              consecutive nishes, QB Steve
aren't on scholarship.                        The Sooners appeared a                                                                                                                                                                           points on the board, the UW-L                               Tennies took to the air and fired
         But that little division 3 little shell shocked that they had                                                                                                                                                                         defense truly won the game.                                 a 50 yard missile to WR Scott
school, the University of Wis- just allowed a D3 team to score                                                                                                                                                                                 They held the Sooners to only                               Burnoski. Burnoski went down
consin-La Crosse, did more than seven points without even run-                                                                                                                                                                                 123 yards through the air. While                            on his own to keep the clock
show up on the Sooners sched- ning an offensive play. Their of-                                                                                                                                                                                they certainly didn't stuff the                             running.
ule. They managed to pull off fense came out sputtering and                                                                                                                                                                                    running backs, no Sooner broke                              The loss dropped Oklahoma out
the biggest upset in the history was harassed by a staunch                                                                                                                                                                                     a huge run or found the end                                 of the Top 25 poll. However,
of college football. The Eagles Eagles defensive effort all day                                                                                                                                                                                zone. The Sooners gained 432                                UW-L vaulted all the way to the
topped the Sooners 7-0 at Vet- long.                                                                                                                                                                                                           yards on the ground while also                              number two position in the D3
erans Memorial Stadium.                       "We wreaked havoc on                                                                                                                                                                             committing several costly turn-                             poll. Mount Union remains in
         Many wondered why their aerial attack," said line-                                                                                                                                                                                    overs at inopportune times.                                 the number one slot. La Crosse
Oklahoma would want to play backerAdam Schneider. "If they                                                                                                                                                                                              "I've never played                                 clipped Minnesota's St. Johns
a D3 school and why UW-L were going to beat us, it was                                                                                                                                                                                         against a better secondary," said                           University for the second slot.
would agree to volunteer to get going to have to be on the                                                                                                                                                                                     Sooners quarterback Jason                                            La Crosse plays at home
demoralized by the best DI ground. We never quit."                                                                                                                                                                                             White. "Give credit to La                                   versus UW-Stout this weekend.
team in the country.                          With a 7-0 lead, UW-L                                                                                                                                                                            Crosse, they just wanted this one                           The team hopes to still bring its
         "We thought it would be decided to control the ball and                                                                                                                                                                               more than us."                                              best effort to the field despite not
a great experience," said an as- keep Oklahoma's offense off the                                                                    QB Steve Tennies looks to find a hole in the Oklahoma defense.                                                      Now everyone will                                  playing the top ranked team in
sistant coach from La Crosse. field for as long as they could.                                                                                                                                                                                 surely be watching the polls to                             the country.
Little did they think that they But head coach Larry Terry                                                                                                                                                                                     look for a few things. Many will




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The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                                     Sports                           -
                                                                                                                                                                                 -
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Thursday, October 30, 2003                                Page 8




Copeland Parkto Undergo                                                                                                                                                                     alSwrts
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                                                                                                                                                                                                                rw             Amb     low   F-4.W         ---




$19.6 million Expansion
                                                                                                                                                          I




                                                                                                                                                                    Azuz = Eating STUD                       Skiba Shatters Mile                        in a Sleep-A-Thon held in Madi-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        son, WI.
                                                                                                                                                         In a recent hot dog eating                                Record
New Stadium to Seat 76,349 People
JOSEPH ALFRED                               modations as well. Perhaps the big-
                                                                                                                                                         II
                                                                                                                                                contest, UW-L student, Joe Azuz
                                                                                                           a martini bar behind home plate, a I out-ate the competition by con-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Phillip Skiba, a student at
                                                                                                                                                                                                          the University of Wisconsin-La
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 All proceeds from the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         event went toward helping cure in-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        dividuals with sleeping disorders.
            SPORTS ED/ITOR                  gest change is that the actual field it-                       Hard Rock Cafe which will be open I suming a whopping 65 foot-long                             Crosse. is the first person to break          A man who is referred to only as
                                            self will he rotated 180 degrees, so                           year round and an unprecedented 114 hot dogs. Participants in the UW-                          the three-minute barrier while run-
             The La C'rosse Loggers en-     batters are facing the Mississippi
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        "Downtown" captured the title by
                                                                                                           luxury boxes. The idea behind the I L sponsored event included such                            ning the mile. The record came
jIyed a great inaugural season of            River,                                                        luxury boxes is that they will lure lo-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        sleeping for an unbelievable 18
                                                                                                                                                      household names as, Jonny Eater,                    during a scheduled run for an HPR
baseball in thlis city. Tne only down-               "'We wanted to rotate the                             cal big wigs into buying season boxes, I i William Perry and Marty Neu.                                                                      hours and 23 minutes straight.
side was thait their horne stadium,         field so players have a chance to                              bringing more money to the team.                                                               class Skiba was enrolled in.                  "Downtown" a native of Fremont,
                                                                                                                                                                   Those competing in the contest                  "I guess I felt like Forest
C o p e Ia n d                                                                                                                              "The new                                                                                                    Wl.
Plark, couldn't                                                                                                                                               could not keep up with Azuz's               Gump and just kept running; fast,"
                                                             -




                                                                                                                                I       s t a d i um                                                                                                              "What can I say? I gave
                     I                                                                                                          I   I     - ItIj   llI        bird-like eating ability and were            said Skiba. Skiba apparently isn't
-. 11111-1-11111tl
accommnouale                                                                                                          II                should till up                                                                                                  it my all out there. I'm not upset
all of tile fanls                                                                                                               II      for      every        blown away by his appetite. Eater           even on the cross-country team at             with being the runner-up, but I
that Wishdcl to                                                                                                                         home game.        \ and Perry have received coverage              the university, but is likely to get          truly feel I could have won. If I
go to ga7mes.                                                                                                                           We couldn't           from such media venues as ESPN,             sponsored to perform at the up-               could have started up a new dream
In lieu oftheir                                                                                                                         seat all of the      abut Azuz is relatively unknown to           coming Goodwill Games. Al-                    when I was entering the 17th hour,
recent suc-                                                                                                                             spectators            the eating world.                           though the International Olympic              I think the victory could have been
cesses at the                                                                                                                           last year, but                 When asked about the
turnsti les,
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Committee didn't justify Skiba's              mine," said Niesel. "But tip your
                                                                                                                                        this      new         training techniques he uses for
C o p1e I a 1 (I                                                                                                                        field should
                                                                                                                                                                                                          record-breaking performance, it               hats to 'downtown', he's a hell of
                                                                                                                                                              eating competitions, Azuz had this          was justified by UW-L's REC
Park lhas been                                                                                                                          do the trick,"                                                                                                  a competitor."
at the center                                                                                                                                                 to say, "I take a long nap, then 1          sports, a more powerful govern-
                                                                                                                                        said Loggers                                                                                                              Niesel,      nicknamed
of expansion                                                                                                                            utility player        wake up, watch porn, and eat                ing body.                                     "Felix" for his cat-like sleeping
discussion.                                                                                                                             B       e     n    A  small bowls of rice. I then run a                     How does Skiba plan to              tendencies, isn't sure if he will
          The                                                                                                                           Newman.               half-mile, and eat freshly picked           embark on his newly acquired                  ever sleep competitively again.
La      Crosse                                                                                                                              Not ev-           berries." That is how I train my            fame? His press secretary Jimmy                         "I think I need some
County Board                                                                                                                            eryone in the         stomach."                                   Neu, has scheduled an autograph               much deserved R&R right now. A
dec i dced     to                                                                                                                       community                      Azuz is going to take a            session/interview with the resi-              competition such as that will roy-
pass a bill that|                                                                                                                       is as enthusi-     I brief break from eating competi-
will allow the
                                                  The new Copeland Park will look                                                                                                                         dents of Trowbridge Hall on Fri-              ally mess up ones normal sleep-
                                                  nothing like this heap of crap........                                                astic about       | tions to focus on his studies. Look
I (1 uyr e rr s
          i,
i. ky s; to ; -      I                                                                                                                                                                                    day, October 30 at 8:00 a.m. Skiba            ing schedule. I need to chill for
                                                                                                                                        [me new sta-       i
                                                                                                                                                              for Azuz's story in next month's            also plans to address area high
S19.6 million                                                                                                                           dium. Local                                                                                                     awhile," added Niesel.
in city allow-                                                                                                                                                edition of "Big Belly's".                   schools as a motivational speaker.
                                                                                                                                        homeowners
ances to ex-                                                                                                                            are particu-                                                      And no, Skiba does not live in a
pand the sta-                                                                                                                           larly upset.                  Laux Hall wins the                   Nvan down by the river.
dium. The fi-                                                                                                                           Many who              E        "Dorm Games"                                 Skiba does plan to bring
nal product                                                                                                                             reside near                                                       home   a gold not only for his coun-
will scat a                                                                                                                             Copeland                      This past weekend Laux
                                                                                                                                                                                                          try, but also for his city of La
substantial                                                                                                                             Park argue,           Hall won the first annual "Dorm
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Crosse, while participating in the
arnou nt o f                                                                                                                            that the new      Ii Games". The competition con-
                                                                                                           i,?:. '-
                                                                                                              ".I
                                                                                                                                         *LIUL LIM1IW v       ;I
                                                                                                                                                                                                          2004 Olympic games in Athens,
people: 76,                                             Of :: : . 0
                                                         A        -f        'He.:: ): : 1 y ,.^ri
                                                                               f    /'iV '                                              stadium will        {sisted of a variety of different
                                                             1     /1   ;                   1                                                                                                             Greece.
349. The new                                                     , by'..
                                                                    000000 X-       .,00
                                                                                     ;;
                                                                                      If   -,,I Ay t
                                                                                                   ;   t   IJ^Wmj
                                                                                                            -i                          completely         I games that are regularly played in
C o p e 1a n d                                                                       1                      I
                                                                                                           -' 4 t     ^                 change their       I dormitories across campus. Such                       Skiba is currently training
                                             photos from
                                                       JESPN.(*:MHe             _     ^^ l^*
Park will be.                                                                                                                           lifestyle.          t games as Hall Bowling, Stairwell            for a mini-marathon charity event
                                                                                                                                                            I
by far. the                                       ....But more like this tasty lick.                                                        "Great,       | Races, Assassins and Lounge                   sponsored by the CST 412 Persua-
largest sta-                                                                                                                            now I'm go-       i                                               sions class. When asked why he's
                                                                                                                                                                        Most of the games are
dium for a                                                                                                                              ina to have a      ' Football.                                    doing this, he simply said, "Baby
semni-pro                                                                                                                                                     considered to be illegal in the
                                                                                                                                     building that                                                        steps Doug, baby steps." He then
team. The next largest stadium for a        knock some dingers right into the                              looks like some space ship ready to                dorms, but most residents engage
                                                                                                                                                                                                          ran away off into the sunset.
team on the same level as the Log-          drink." added Meier.                                           take off as a back yard. I damn well               in them anyway.
gers seats 4. 445.                                     The franchise also bought                           better get free press passes!" said ho-                    Laux had a solid team               La Crosse Student Places
             "We think this will be great   the contracts of several fetch dogs                            meowner Jennifer Wagner.                           from top to bottom, winning ev-
for the team and more importantly, the                                                                                                                                                                    Runner-Up in the State
                                            similar to what the San Francisco                                         Construction is to begin im-            ery event except for Assassins.
community," said Loggers director of        Giants have to retrieve home run balls                         mediately and cease on November 24.                        "We didn't care about that          Wide Sleep-A-Thon
community relations Hank Meier.             hit into the river.                                            It will begin once again on March Ist.             stupid game. Any slouch can hold                    A male student at UW-L
"We were hoping to get the ball field                  The new Copeland Park will                          While the stadium is being worked on               their own in Assassins. We fo-              almost out slept the entire field.
expanded by a few hundred, but this         also feature a full Olympic sized                              over the summer, the Loggers will
                                                                                                                                                              cused on the real games," said a            He apparently came up just short
 is simply fantastic."                      swimming pool in the right field seats,                        play all of their home games at La
          The newv Copeland Park will                                                                                                                         Laux resident.                              and was declared runner-up. Jay
                                                                                                           Crosse Logan High School.
feature a healthy share of new accom-                                                                                                                                                                     Niesel slept for 18 hours straight



         Men's Cross-Country                                                                                                                                                Four Year Old Signs
      Team Having "Issues"                                                                                                                                                    Letter Of Intent
                                                                                                                                                               INOAH CHRISTIANSON                         Tar Heels. I think that this proves           him he must be good. What?
 Freshman and Sophomores Just not as                                                                                                                           I       ~                ~BLUFFSTAFF

                                                                                                                                                                             In a never ending attempt
                                                                                                                                                                                                          I am committed to winning and
                                                                                                                                                                                                          getting UNC back to a national
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        He's only 4'? Wow, Williams has
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        the upper hand, but I have a three
                                                                                                                                                                                                          power status. Joshua will be an               year old grandson who might be
         Cool as they Think                                                                                                                                        to get the best talent in the coun-
                                                                                                                                                                   try, the University of North Caro-     integral piece of our 2017 team.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          We will be a team to contend with
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        pretty good, I think I'll offer him
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        a scholarship. The war is on."
 BEN HEV1NGSTON    _     -            who's nicknamed 'the meal'. That          around with hair down his back.                                                    lina has received a letter of intent
                                                                                                                                                                   from a 4 year old basketball           that year and hopefully we will                        Joshua didn't really com-
               BLUFF S7AFF            kid looks like he hasn't eaten a          I'm not sure if he wants to look
                                                                                                                                                                   "star". Coach Roy Williams is          make a run at the national title."            ment on signing the letter of in-
                                      good meal in years. He can't              like a hick, but he's doing a nice
          The UW-L's men's cross-                                                                                                                                  still desperately seeking his                   Williams seems to be                 tent, basically because he
                                      weigh more than a buck and some           job of it," said student Amber
country team has consistently                                                                                                                                      first National Champion-                                                                   couldn't sit still long enough
                                      change," said UW-L student Jack           Gulet. "There is that one really
been one of the best teams in the Jany. "It's nice to see guys that                                                                                                                                                                                           to answer questions.
                                                                                good looking kid with the real ship in Division I college
nation recently. Their problem is care about there bodies, but these                                                                                                                                                                                              However, Josh disclosed
                                                                                defined muscles and really long basketball. The young man,
not running, but is learning to fit boys are much too skinny for their                                                                                                                                                                                        that he likes finger painting,
                                                                                brown hair. He's always tossing Joshua Ziegler, is 3 feet 6
in with (he rest of the students on                                                                                                                                                                                                                           peanut butter and jelly, and
                                      own good," added Jany.                     it around like he's some damn inches tall, weighs 42
Calmipus.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     "bassetbul" as it came out of
                                                 "I used to live the Hutch      model though. I'm not sure what i pounds, and just completed
          'Cross-country runners                                                                                       his first year of playing for                                                                                                          his mouth. Undoubtedly, he
                                      apartments and those guys would           that's all about".
have always been known as a run by every fricken day. If you                                                                                                                                                                                                  is counting down the days
                                                                                           The UW-L chancellor is the YMCA in Durham,
w'eird bunch of people, but these                                                                                                                                                                                                                             until he will be able to play
                                      were in their way they would just          hoping that the team will slowly North Carolina. Josh led
,guys take it to a whole new level,"  run right over you like they owned         start to become more like the rest the league with 8.2 points,                                                                                                               in the ACC, even if he can't
said UJW-L's athletic director. "It's the place. I feel like they think          of the campus.                        6.4 rebounds, 2.3 steals, and                                                                                                          count that high yet.
IIke they want to be outcasts of the
                                      people on campus actually give a                     "We are planning on giv- 5.7 assists per game this                                                                                                                     Just think what a life
campus."
                                      (expletive) about cross-county,"           ing all of these kids new cell season.                                                                                                                                       Joshua will be able to lead
          One of the main issues said unhappy student James Neu.                 phones when we start the plan in                His parents are                                                                                                              knowing that he won't have
Students have with the team is the                                                                                                                                                                                                                            to pay for college. He will
                                                The Bluffh as also heard         2005," said the chancellor.           very excited about the op-
wail thev dress.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              be able to buy all of the
                                      about parties that the team throws                   The hope is that the cell portunity young Josh will
           I can understand the                                                                                                                                                                                                                               "spongcbob squarepants"
                                      in which many of the guys will             phones will help the runners take have at North Carolina. His
need to wear short shorts when                                                                                                                                                                                                                                apparel that he can, he can
                                      take their clothes off. As it that         a step in the right direction to fit- father, who was also his
you are running, but why the hell was bad enough, it was also dis-                                                                                                                                                                                            buy a car inl 12 years with-
                                                                                 ting in with the "normal" kids.       YMCA coach, recently told "?1       NI
would you wear them to class'? covered that all of these runncrs                           The Bltff has also learned the press that Josh is also                                                              out lhaving to worry about
That's just being weird," said UW- live with each other and they re-             that the only runners who arc caus- very excited to play for                                                                  saving money for school,
                                                                                                                                                            JJosh Ziegler, figuring out how to beat a
L student Lauren Fareview.                                                       ing a stir around campus are uln- coach Williams, even if it                                                                  and just imagine the visits to
                                      fer to their living quarters as "the                                                                                    tough ZOtne defense. photo from world »b.                                         -bide

          Some of the team mem-                                                                                                                                                                         =""''' the campus after his after-
                                      quads." Yet, they arc only renting         derclassmen.                          won't be for another 14            ---
bers are worried that a few bad two apartments out of the com-                             "I know quite a few of the years. Because Josh is so young.                                                         noon nap! This kid is going
 apples are giving the tearn as a                                               juniors on the squad. They are all his parents also had to sign the very             optimistic about the team in to be great.
                                            plex.
 w         b
           -ad
        ;.i{c name.
                                                     "We are comfortable with self respecting quality chaps," letter. Added to the fact that Josh the futuL-e. Hle barely even talks                              fie picked up a basketball
          One unnaamed cross-
                                            our bodies, and we are not afraid commented a former high school can't spell his own name yet, the about the team for 2003. The only for the first time only 5 months
 country runner stated. I don't                                                                                                                                 thing that he could talk about was ago betore the Y MC A season, and
                                            to show that. Just because we are runner who attends UW-L. "It's           family decided that the father's
 even want to be seen vitlh these
                                            skinny doesn't mean we shouldn't those weird (expletive) freshman signature should be used on the 2017 and the incoming class with you can already tell that he is go-
 guys in public. I'm not sure if then
                                            get butt naked," said one runner and sophomores who garmer atten- form.                                             Ziegler.                                ing to be a star. Make sure that
 arc trying to look like doofuses,
                                            Nick O'Mallard.                      tlon."                                          Williams expressed his            The coach at Duke University. you look out for Joshua Ziegler
 bli thse al.rc doingy a pretty good
                                                      'Those guys need to learn            The university will have delight in hearing of the news that Mike Krzyzewvski, had this to say. in 14 years.
 job of it if they're not."
                                            to groom themselves better as to decide what to do with these Ziegler would sign with UNC.                          "Joshua Ziegler'? I've never
          "I know this one kid
                                            well. I see this one kid walking runners in the near future.                         ."This is a big day for the heard of him, but if Williams got
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200
                                                Years                                                         Sports                                                                Thursday, October 30. 2003                              Page 9


Nike to Cease Manufactoring Products
 'From Now on, We'll Focus on Just Making Ads,'

SPECIAL TO HE BLUFF
         H
            WTHE ONI'ON.COW
        IW.f'
                        CEO
                                          Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that
                                          beautiful message of hope and inspi-
                                                                                            Baseball                                                                     rr        eamn Woes
                                          ration tarnished by ccrass     omm er-                            Majority of Bats Stolen                                                 W.I.A.C. Votes to Contract UW-L Baseball Team
BEAVERTON, OR-Citing artistic             cialism."                                         Baseball Team Mortified by Loss of Equipment                                                  Vote Occurs Just Hours After Bats are Stolen
restlessness and a desire to "focus       Nike's next project will be a 17-
exclusively on what we do best," the           5200
                                          minute,         million spot scheduled    ROB LONGROPE                                                  "itis almost like they didn't    DOUG CHISEL                               what is going to be done with the old
Nike Corporation announced Mon-           to air during halftime of Super Bowl                               BLUFF STA.4FF                HI
                                                                                                                                   care. IM          could anv customs worker                             3LUIFF ST4AFF      baseball stadiumn?
day it will cease manufacturing ath-      XXXII in January 1998. The com-                                                          miss a htndred bats in the back of                                                                  UW-L sports information
                                                                                              It appears that we have a                                                                      The Wisconsin Intercolle-
letic shoes and other sports-related                                                                                               smeb one'Is truck? said a college                                                         assistant decilned to comment. but
                                          mercial, which is being touted as         thief here on campus. Following the                                                            giate Athletic Conference has voted
merchandise in order to devote  itself                                                                                             baseball san.                                                                             Karen Kling. administrative assistant
                                          "the most killer commercial of all        recent loss of newspapers on school                                                            to retract the University of Wiscon-
fully to the creation   of stunning                                                                                                         The show will go on how-                                                         to the CommLicatioln Studies depart-
                                          time" by Nike officials, will adver-      grounds, the baseball team has now                                                             sin La Crosse's baseball team. The
state-of-the-art television advertise-                                                                                             ever. An emergency funding request                                                        ment had this to say.-"Our department
                                          tise the imaginary new Air Gravitas       reported that a large amount of bats                                                           vote ironically came after the school's
ments.                                                                                                                             went throunrgh the very next mobting                                                      needs new building, there is now
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   a
                                          basketball shoe.                          were taken from the team's equipment                                                           baseball team Failed to accommodate
                                                                                                                                   for a hundred more pro-quality bats.                                                      an open space. You do the  math."
           Once free from the distrac-              The spot, set in deep outer     shack on East Avenue.                                                                                         university's students.
                                                                                                                                                                                   the needs of the
                                                                                                                                                  They are expected to arrive                                                          Research wvas going to be
tions of making products, Nike plans      space, will feature Warner Bros. car-               "We are shocked and sad-                                                                       Also, the baseball team's
                                                                                                                                   bo ran-
                                                                                                                                    he                                                                                       done on the history of the university's
to focus on creating the coolest ads      toon favorite Wile E. Coyote,             dened by the disregard that some sick                                                                                        b a t s
                                                                                                                                   o t h e r                                                                                 baseball team. but STATS inc., felt it
ever.                                     supermodel Naomi Campbell, and                               such a mainstay
                                                                                    individuals have for                                                                                                         were sto-
                                                                                                                                   game is                                                                                   was a waste of theirtime to research
           "The last few years, it just   box-office mega-star Bruce Willis,        institution on campus," said a random                                                                                        len dUr-
                                                                                                                                   played.                                                                                   a deadissue like the UW-L baseball
became impossible to maintain our         as well as "kitschy" cameos by            UWL official. "The guilty parties will                                                                                      ing a re-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             team.
high standards of advertising while       1960s television icons Adam               be hunted to the ends of the earth, and                                                                                     cent fed-
                                                                                                                                   "WC fig-                                                                                            When asked about the im-
faced with the daily distractions of      "Batman" West and Barbara "I              this problem won't be buried like                                                                                           eral in-
                                                                                                                                   ured that                                                                                 pact this would have onULW-L stu-
making sneakers," said Phil Knight,                                                 other less important thefts oncam-                                                                                          vestiga-
                                          Dream Of Jeannie" Eden. The digi-                                                        we didn't                                                                                 dents, Adam Schillinger,    university
Nike founder and CEO. "By discon-                                                   pus."                                                                                                                       tion; giv-
                                          tal effects and hyper-realistic alien                                                    want the                                                                                  goodwill   ambassador said,
tinuing our entire product line, we                                                           The scenario works out like                                                                                       ing more
                                          space-battle sequences in the new ad                                                     team to                                                                                             "Obviously a positive one,
will be in position to ensure that Nike                                             this. Sometime between 2:00 and                                                                                             negative
                                          are said to represent major break-                                                       have to                                                                                   doesn't the bible say something about
remains the world leader in the field                                               3:00 a.m. last Wednesday, an uniden-                                                                                        attention
                                          throughs in special-effects magic, re-                                                   dip into                                                                                  an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth,
of incredibly cool television com-                                                  tifiedparty used a sledgehammer-like                                                                                         to an al-
                                          quiring the construction of a Nike                                                       it's own                                                                                  and aren't those players thieves
mercials well into the 21 st century."                                              object to break open the door handle                                                                                         re ad y
                                          supercomputer and over 35 kilotons        on the utility shed.
                                                                                                                                   funds, so                                                                                   anyways?"
          Nearly 95 percent of Nike's                                                                                                                                                                            ugly situ-
                                          of pyrotechnic explosives.                                                               we went                Depressed UJW-L baseball players mourn the loss of                             Once again. the university
                                                                                              It is then theorized that an                                                                                       at ion .
6,800 employees were laid off fol-                  In the ad's climactic finale,                                                  ahead and                       their bats, and then, their team.                           sports information assistant declined
                                                                                    accomplice pulled up in a truck of                                                                                           School
lowing Monday's announcement,             Knight said, the nation of Iceland        some sort and proceded to load them
                                                                                                                                   nut thenre-
                                                                                                                                   put lilt: [%-      -                           have denied the linking of the retrac-- I -- to comment, butit seemed like he
                                                                                                                                                                                  I                          - -- 1--1
                                                                                                                                                                                                               officials
withonly those in the company's ad-       will actually be destroyed.                                                              quest      in                                                                             couldn't contain his laughter after
                                                                                    into the bed. Then, the two drove at                                                           have denied the linking of the retrac-
vertising and promotions divisions                  "In the past, with so much                                                     for them," said a representative of the                                                   being questioned.
                                                                                    excessive speeds to Mexico, and sold                                                           tion to the federal investigation, but
keeping their jobs.                       of our budget going toward things                                                        funding committee at UW-L.                                                                         So what happens to the
                                                                                    the bats to local drug dealers for                                                             have also said it didn't help the mat-
          Knight said he will offer the   like research and development, and                                                                 So ifyou have a chance                                                          funding already allocated to the base-
                                                                                    drugs.                                                                                         ter.
fired employees' combined salary of                                                                                                amid your busy class schedule and so-                                                     ball team'? Unspecified sources
                                          employee salaries, a project like this              Customs officials were                                                                         The retraction vote was al-
$210 million to basketball superstar      would not have been feasible,"                                                           cial functions, slip on down to the                                                       claimed the money would be given
                                                                                    scolded by university staff for appar-                                                         most an unanimous decision, but rep-
and Reebok pitchman Shaquille                                                                                                      basebalI field and give a player a hug.                                                   to the Communication Studies depart-
                                          Knight said. "Now, from a financial       ently ignoring All Points Bulletins                                                            resentatives from the University of
O'Neal, the most prominent athlete                                                                                                 They have been through a terrible                                                         ment in an effort to revamp the de-
                                          standpoint, our ability to inspire the    that were put up a few hours after the                                                         Wisconsin Oshkosh, pulled their vote
not currently under contract with                                                                                                  loss, and could use your support.                                                         partments recent technological woes.
                                          world's athletes through a barrage of     incident went down.                                                                            out at the last minute for unspecified
Nike. If necessary, Knight said, the                                                                                                                                                                                                  The chair of the Communi-
                                          arresting visual images and high-vol-                                                                                                    reasons.
shoe company will terminate long-                                                                                                                                                                                            cation Studies department declined to
                                          ume rock music is almost limitless."                                                                                                               When asked for a public
distance runner Joan Benoit-                                                                                                                                                                                                 comment on the issue, while cartloads
                                          Nike spokespersons are confident                                                                                                         outcry to have a re-vote to keep the
Samuelson's $30,000 annual con-                                                                                                                                                                                              of goods from Best Buy and Office
                                          the new ad will be the finest the com-                                                                                                   baseball team, students of the univer-
tract and add it to the O'Neal offer.                                                                                                                                                                                        Depot were being stacked in his of-
                                          pany has ever produced. "Let's just                                                                                                      sity seemed to not care andjust kept
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             fice.
          "Basically, we feel that        say that, if the Air Gravitas actually                                                                                                   studying.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       All that remains from the
there are a lot more important things     existed, everybody in the world                                                                                                                    "We have a baseball team, I
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             baseball team are bitter memories
in this life than selling shoes,"         would want a pair after seeing this                                                                                                      thought it was just another club team
Knight said. "When a Nike commer-
cial ends, and that Nike swoosh dra-
matically appears on your TV
                                          commercial," Nike director of cor-
                                          porate communications Dwight
                                          Haselrig said. "If we were actually
                                                                                        -                                                                                          (expletive) about the lack of funding."
                                                                                                                                                                                   said UW-L student Winonah WUoolf.
                                                                                                                                                                                             When asked what he's now
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             from UW-L students, an emptv tro-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             phy case, and a pending federal in-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             vestigation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       "Nothing stings more than
screen, it means a lot more than 'Just    selling the Air Gravitas, it would go                                                                                                    going to do during the baseball sea-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             being stung, and right now I feel
Buy It.' It means 'Live Your                                                                                                                                                       son, UW-L's lone baseball fan, Joe
                                          down as the best-marketed and best-                                                                                                                                                stung", said a freshman baseball pros-
Dreams.' It means, 'Make It Happen,                                                                                                                                                Azuz said, I don't know, I just want
                                          loved athletic shoe in history."                                                                                                                                                   pect who is considering tranfering to
Children Of The Earth... Find The                                                                                                                                                  to eat my burrito."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Oshkosh.
Couraye To Go Out And Make The                                                                                                                                                               That now begs the question,
                                                                                                                                                                W
                                                                                                                                             a:
                                                                                                             \EER SWW:E   wS   W
                                                                                              W   !   Tw!
                                                                                    :
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                             Local News                                                               Thursday, April 1, 2003                              Page 10



     Protective Services Uncovers Meth
                                                                                                                                     Reach and Share to Embrace Heavy
        Lab in White Hall Basement                                                                                                               Drinking
CAP'N JACK SPARROW
              BLUFF STAFF                                                                                                       JONNY DEPTH..._
                                                                                                                                                       BL UFFSTAFF         first plan on meeting with several       to fund their efforts in discovering
          Most of the residents of        of officers to second floor, where      flocked from hundreds of miles
                                                                                                                                                                           marketing specialist in creating new     health benef'its from the alcohol
UW-L's supposedly substance free          their accompanying police dogs          around to get a quick fix of the                        Reach and Share, formally        slogans and publications which will      consumption. Before the final
White Hall retired last Saturday          eventually closed in on one             cheaply produced and appropriately            a student organization devoted             be distributed on Cam11puLS posted       examine schedule sets in the
night in the manner that anyone           particular room. After knocking         named "Easy Meth". The name can               towards educating fellow students          boards, seen in student planners, and    oroani/tation also plans to kick of the
might expect. After washing their         down the door, Romanus and his          be credited to the residents of White,        about responsible drinking habits,         advertised in the highly acclaimed       first annual pre-fiiuals Reach and
faces, brushing their hair and            men came upon a space stocked           who reported that the drug was "as            committed a monumental change in           awarding        winning      Racquet     Share Keg-er. which will be officially
flossing their teeth, they buttoned       wall to wall with some three            easy to make as mac and cheese".              their policy last week. Upon               Newspaper. So far new slogans will       annouIceCd closer to the date.
up their two-piece pajamas, donned        hundred pounds of Crystallized                    Surprisingly enough, none           examining the escalating attendance        include exclamations such as. "It's                 -0Our airn for this event will
their night caps, made sure to lock       Methamphetamine. The discovery          of Easy Meth's manufacturers                  in house parties, the increase in covert   OK to get hammered after bombing         be to get as many people drunk as
their doors, and were fast asleep by      motivated several other room            abused the drug themselves. One               dorm bashes, and the overwhelming          a test", "Getting drunk is a great way   possible" event coordinated stated.
the hour of 10:00 pm. The slumber         searches, but no other illegal          arrested higher-up said that the              turn out for Octoberfeast, Reach and       to over come social anxiety", and        "Hopefully with a disclosed location
of our conservative residents was         substances, beside the occasional       Hall's residents got enough of a high         Share amended their policy to support      "Most UW-students prefer to get          and hidden back doors we will be able
cut short, however, by the sudden         expired bottle of nasal spray, were     after drinking one and a half cups            the consumption of excessive alcohol.      drunk during any occasion".              to include as many under age drinkers
tell tale barking of police               found in any residential room.          of black coffee to stay up at night           "With all the increased celebration of                "We feel these new slogans    as wel ". To avoid further
Dobermans hot on the trail of                       The investigation of White    and continue production, and "they            drinking it only seemed prudent that       will better represent and support the    complications Reach and Share plans
something a little too unwholesome                                                                                              we change our policy", reported a          student body as a whole". Reach and      to apply for a liquor license for future
                                          Hall's basement, however, led to an     felt guilty enough about that".
                                                                                                                                spokesperson for the organization.         Share marketing specialist stated.       celebrations.
for the likes of White Hall.              even more startling exposition.                   One could ask, "Why
                                                                                                                                          La Crosse, which ranks as        Hoping to increase their impact on the             This radical change in policy
          The Protective Services         "The room on the second floor was       would anyone who feels guilty
                                                                                                                                one of the top cities in the nation for    student body the organization also       so far has been widely accepted by
office dispatched all of its available    just a holding room,"said Dep.          about drinking coffee actually be
                                                                                                                                bars-per-population capita, is also        plans to expand their survey efforts     the student body, however faculty, the
police units immediately at 10:39         Walston. "We found a whole setup        comfortable with mass producing a
                                                                                                                                host to many fine breweries, such as       to include on-the-scene observation      protective services. and the Lax PD,
pm in order to promptly reach the         in the basement where they actually     highly addictive illegal substance?"          City Brewery and the Pearl Street          of all drinking festivities.             question the reasoning behind the
scene, some twenty yards away. The        turned out that gunk." Indeed they      The answer is simple: Money. More             Brew Pub. Rooted with heavy                          "We want to not only           organization's decision.
two officers to first arrive on the       did. In the two or three rooms of       than one White Hall resident                  German tradition of beer and feasting,     support the students drinking habits,    "We feel this will only increases an
scene, one                                White Hall's basement Walston and       confessed to having been swayed by            La Crosse simply seems to be a city        but understand them as well", the        all ready escalating problem", stated
Dep. Ray Walston and one Sgt.             Romanus uncovered a fully               the briefcases full of cash they              which naturally lends its self to heavy    marketing specialist continued.          a La Crosse Police Officer.
Robert Romanus would later                equipped laboratory capable of          eventually received from locations            drinking.                                  Reach-in-Share plans to release a                  Despite hard opposition,
recount that they had first thought       turning legal household substances      as exotic as Winona or Portage. And                     "Geographically it makes                                                  Reach and Share president feels that
                                                                                                                                                                           publication later this month that will
themselves the victims of some            into the notorious drug crystal Meth.   after several money-filled safe               sense", Reach-in-Share president           give precise instructions on how to      they made an appropriate decision.
prank. "It looked about the same as       All of those on the scene, mostly       boxes were confiscated from                   explained. "We are surrounded by                                                    "It is in the best of interest of the
                                                                                                                                                                           play popular drinking games such as
it always does on the weekend" said       impoverished White Hall residents       underneath his pile of                        such an aggressive venue for alcohol       Speed Quarters, Anchorman, and           students and community alike to
Walston.                                  who were fed up of asking their                   Star Wars and Matrix                consumption that the continuation of       Beer Pong. The publication will also     support such a policy" he explained.
"All the lights were off except in the    parents for money, were quickly and     memorabilia, one lab worker began             our old policy would be an exhausting      recommend bars, fashionable drinks,      "'Ae hope to now better represent
bathrooms and a couple coming             efficiently      arrested.      Also    to rant, "Easy money is even more             effort".                                   and advice on how to drink longer        student behaviors in creating an
from the studies, so we almost            apprehended were residents from         addictive than Easy Meth! And                           As of now Reach and Share        with out passing out. Reach and Share    environment conducive to heavy
decided to turn right around and          nearby                                  being high on money is even                   is current working hard to achieve a       is also applying for a research grant    drinking".
forget the whole thing. Then we           Reuter Hall who had mistaken the        BETTER than being high on life!               smooth and effective transition. They
stopped for second and decided to         lab for a house party and thought       And I'd to it again! I'd do it again!"
investigate anyway, since we
couldn't imagine that anybody
would be sick enough to make up
                                          themselves clever for avoiding the
                                           15-block trek to 1635 main.
                                                                                            Most of this resident's
                                                                                  Easy Meth colleagues have the                            La Crosse Identified as a
                                                    During the questioning of     same attitude, and they all report
anything about good ol'e White
Hall."
          Walston and Romanus
                                          everyone involved, UW-L's
                                          protective services found out just
                                          how entrenched White Hall had
                                                                                  that what made the operation so
                                                                                  tempting the first time was the ease
                                                                                  with which it operated. "It's the
                                                                                                                                               Terrorist Target
called for a full swat unit specialized   become. According to the                perfect cover," reports one                   ROB ST. ROBBINS
for     drug       detection        and   testimonies of its residents, White     randomly-placed freshmen lured                                       BLUFF STAFF          speaking under anonymity,               uncovered terrorist plot, local
apprehension. Never having been           had for the past three or four years    into White Hall's gritty underbelly.                                                      claimed that the thriving               police officials are undergoing
used, the task force found itself         become the nerve center for one of      "They all knew what we were                             A suspected terrorist
                                                                                                                                                                           businesses in the community have         intensive terrorist sensitivity
without a properly equipped truck         the        Midwest's          largest   doing, they kept clean on the outside         being held in Guantanamo Bay,
                                                                                                                                                                           contributed to the extreme               courses. "We plan to ensure that
or van and arrived on the scene in        Methamphetamine cartels. By             so they could be dirty on the inside          Cuba, told military officials
                                                                                                                                                                           jealousy terrorists must feel            all our officers will not only stop
one University Micro van,                 producing a special brand of the        and make a few thousand bones on              yesterday that La Crosse, WI, was
                                                                                                                                                                           toward the town which, until             anybody that looks like a terrorist,
Dobermans and all. Almost tipping         drug made from a variety of             the side. Why else do you think               the target of an abandoned terrorist
                                                                                                                                                                           yesterday, has never been                but escort them out of town on
the vehicle on their rapid departure,     everyday substances abundant in         most of them kept going to all those          plot. According to military reports,
                                                                                                                                                                           associated with violent opposition.      (U.S. Highway) 16," the La
the team moved in preparing to            White Hall, such as nasal spray,        4H and Key Club meetings? To                  the terrorist network Al-Queda
                                                                                                                                                                           "The brewery and fine shops such         Crosse police chief said at a news
breach White' s perimeter by way          Vick's Vapor Rub and Easy Mac, it       keep up the pose, you know. No one            had at one point drawn up plans
                                                                                                                                                                           as "Stamp in Hand" and                   conference held late yesterday
of the lobby entrance but met a           catered to the demands of countless     ever expects the chess team to deal           to attack the peaceful Midwestern
delay when they found themselves          thousands of Midwestern junkies         drugs."
                                                                                                                                                                           "Brueger's        Bagels"       are      afternoon.
                                                                                                                                town through means which were
without a student ID.                     who just couldn't find the time to                Before last weekend, this                                                       flourishing businesses that Middle               Local educators are also
                                                                                                                                not disclosed in the report.
After politely knocking to get the        build their own labs or pay the         was absolutely true. We, as the UW-                                                      Eastern types ain't got over there,"     doing their part to restore safety
                                                                                                                                          To inhabitants of what
attention of the front desk attendant,    regular price for the Ephedrine         L student body, could always think                                                       the official commented. "It's no         to the community. A local
                                                                                                                                some believe to be the cultural and
who then allowed them to enter, the       based Meth. These addicts, who, as      White Hall as a guiding light, as a                                                      wonder why bin Laden and dem             principal has unveiled a city-wide
                                                                                                                                economic center of America, the
team rushed in and split themselves       it was learned, would shuffle into      sober and law-abiding example for                                                        Islamic peoples want to pick on          education plan, starting next
                                                                                                                                terrorist plans come as no surprise.
up according to floor.                    White Hall unnoticed between the        the rest of us to follow. Now only                                                       us."                                     Mondayv which guarantees
                                                                                                                                A local government official,
          Sgt. Romanus led a group        hours of 12:00 PM and 1:00 PM,          the first of these are true.                                                                      For others, it was the          students will be aware of the
                                                                                                                            I
                                                                                                                            I                                              cultural richness of the city which      dangers of terrorism originating in

 University Issues Ultimatum                                                                Cartwright Center                                                              drew the attention of terrorists. A
                                                                                                                                                                           local woman cited the La Crosse
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    the Middle East. "We used to have
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    a Middle Eastern Day where
                                                                                                                                                                           Community Theater as the reason          female teachers would dress in
 "Stolen and Shared Files to go by Monday"
JONATHON BIGSTON
                                                                                           Temporarily Closes                                                              for Islamic hatred. "Me and Bill
                                                                                                                                                                           just seen a play there two weeks
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    burquas and Mrs. Hanson (the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    school cook) would make Uncle
                                                                                  BUTTER ERUP
              BlUFF STAFF            environment...                                                                                                                        ago, if them terrorists just had a       Ben's Middle Eastern Flavored
                                                                                                        BLUFFSTAFF              there. No questions were asked
In                                   Copying files... belonging to                                                                                                         little Christian culture like the        Rice for lunch." the principal
      an unforeseen          move,                                                          The past week at UW-L has           again. "It's a terrible loss to the
administrators from the IT           others... may constitute plagiarism                                                        University, and we cannot be more          theater gives us, they wouldn't          regretfully stated. "But rest
                                                the University may seek           been a tragic one, with the University
department said that beginning or theft...                                        losing some seventy-five students on          upset," said one, "if only they had        hate us." The La Crosse Center,          assured, Middle Easterm Day is no
Monday, in accordance with an
                                     repayment of fines or damages...                                                           known to go to the grocery store this      another cultural landmark in La          more, and the children will get
                                                                                  campus. The deaths are not due to
ultimatum from the top, they
                                     and may take disciplinary action                                                           all could have been prevented."            Crosse, usually draws in only            bibles and a heavy dose of
                                                                                  some flesh eating virus or some other
would begin to search every up to and including dismissal...                      unseen force, but rather from                              A memorial service is         internationally renowned acts            patriotism, starting with the
computer on campus, one by one, When necessary to maintain                        starvation. Although the school has           planned to be held at the clock tower      such as Lonestar, but now has            imprisonment of thousands of
                                                                                                                                this coming weekend where friends
to find illegally pirated software continued reasonable services to               numerous dining options, students                                                        drawn international terrorist            Japanese citizens during World
                                                                                                                                and family can gather to remember
and music. "Any student owning the rest of the community, or in                   began dropping like flies when the                                                       hatred.                                  War II."
                                                                                                                                those lost. "It's really just so sad," a
a computer found with such cases of flagrant irresponsible use,                   doors to Cartwright Center, a main                                                                In response to the
                                                                                                                                roommate of one of the deceased,
contraband       will    be    held units providing resources, such as            dining area, were closed.
                                                                                                                                commented, "I would have given her                i \! !' 7 \

responsible for it." stated John
                                     Information Technology Services,                       Apparently the students on
                                                                                  campus were not informed that the             some of my Easy Mac had we gotten
Tillman, Chief Information           may suspend privileges and may
                                                                                  doors on Cartwright Center were               along." Friends of the dearly
Officer. "Those caught will be disallow connection of computers                                                                 departed only wished they had
                                                                                  being replaced. Construction caused
forced to pay a minimum fine of (even personal ones) to the campus                for all entrances to the building to be       known what was going on, Mark
two hundred dollars and take an network. You are expected to                      blocked off for over a week, leaving          freshmen, spoke of his close friend
online course proving that they cooperate with investigations by                  the students baffled. No one knew             whom he lost last Thursday, "I just
will act more responsibly when it resource managers, either of                    what to do when their main source             thought he was joking around when
comes to piracy. Repeat offenders,   technical problems or of possible                                                          he said he was starving, if only I had
                                                                                  of food was cut off. In fear, some
most regretfully, may face being unauthorized or irresponsible use                students attempted to scale the               known."
banned from the school network."     as defined in these guidelines;
         According to a staff failure to do so may be grounds
                                     for suspension of access
                                                                                  building in hopes of trying to get
                                                                                  inside Cartwright.
                                                                                             "I just thought that maybe
                                                                                                                                        Although this is by far one of
                                                                                                                                the greatest tragedies to hit the
                                                                                                                                University in quite some time, there
                                                                                                                                                                                   Advising/Snap Day
member who did not want his
                                     privileges."                                 there would be a window open up               is a bright note in the wake of this.
name printed, this action is                                                                                                    "The new doors look great!" a
perfectly legal and in accordance              As the investigation will          there or something", said one
                                     not actually begin until this next           student. "I mean, when your hungry            student said. The construction was
with the Responsible Use of
Computing and Communications Monday, violators have one last
Resources Rules available online chance to change their piracy ways
                                                                                  and the only place with food is closed
                                                                                  down, what do they expect us to do?"
                                                                                  complained another. Some did
                                                                                                                                completed a few days ago and the
                                                                                                                                students can't stop talking about the
                                                                                                                                doorways.        And even better,
                                                                                                                                                                             Frinly, November 7,2003
for every student to read. To quote and eliminate the offending files.            suggest eating at Whitney, but opted          Cartwright is up and running again
one section "According to the A recent jump in the speed of the
Rules, as a responsible member of network suggests that many are
                                                                                  out choosing the lesser of two evils,
                                                                                  starvation.
                                                                                                                                ready to serve those in need of food.
                                                                                                                                Officials left us with this optimistic            I8;30 AM                        -1:30              P.M.
the University, students are already frantically deleting their                               Unfortunately that choice         statement: "Even though we have
expected to act in accord with the files and abstaining from piracy.                                                            lost seventy five of our brightest, we
following general guidelines based La Crosse is not the first college
on common sense, common to controversially crack down on
                                                                                  was fatal for over seventy students
                                                                                  whom were left without any source
                                                                                  of semi-tasteful food. At first,
                                                                                                                                have to be positive about this
                                                                                                                                misfortune. Really all those lives are
                                                                                                                                                                                                    orris Hall
                                                                                                                                a small price to pay for our brand
decency, and civility applied to the file sharing, and the way the trend          campus officials were stunned at the
networked              computing seems to be going, will not be the
                                     last.
                                                                                  amount of students that choose not
                                                                                  to eat at Whitney... then they ate
                                                                                                                                spankin' new doors!"
                                                                                                                                                                                                Rooms16 and 7
The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                                 News                                                                                                               Thursday, April 1, 2003                                              Page 1 1




   TROWBRIDGE                                                                                         Protective Services Receives                                                                                                                    Local Fraternities Upset Over
                                                                                                          Advanced Weaponry                                                                                                                             Recall of Axe Body Spray
 GIRLS GONE WILD!                                                                                  ROB LONGROPE                                                                                                                                       JON TRIZZLES
BUTTER ERUP                                                                                                               BLU
                                                                                                                            tFF STAFF                           Vietnam, but was dishonorably                                                                                                          bars by throwing on some fiddy cent
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              NElS EDITOR
                         BL UFF;S TAFF cause of all this, a number of girls                                                                                     discharged for shooting a superior                                                                                                     and spraying each other down with
                                          were heard to say something about                                                                                     officer in the buttocks during a stint                                                                                                 some Axe."
          When the Girls Gone Wild "pent up sexual frustration",                                                                                                                                                                                                Axe deodorant body spray
                                                                                                   Even amid university wide budget                             of shore leave in Hong Kong.                                                                                                                     Some students don't see the
Tour Bus came rolling through La perhaps referring to the all-female                                                                                                                                                                                    will be recalled starting January
                                                                                                   cuts, UWL has decided to beef up                             Heading up tactical team Delta                                                                                                         problem as major issue. "I mean, I
Crosse this past weekend, they just living conditions.                                                                                                                                                                                                 1st, 2004. This comes after the
                                                                                                   its school security. Starting later on                       Sigma Phi is Roger Thompson.                                                                                                           like to smell good like the next guy,
happened to capture some of the                                                                                                                                                                                                                       company received numerous
                                                   A resident of Trowbridge                        in the semester, a police trained                            Called "Icepick" by his friends due                                                                                                    but I don't think this stuff was
craziest coeds on campus for their Hall was asked to comment: "It's                                                                                                                                                                                   complaints stating that the spray
                                                                                                   sharp shooting tearn will take up                            to his ability to coldly stab his                                                                                                      anything special. It smells like any
upcoming                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              didn't work as advertised. "We
                                                              hard      when                       positions on top of Cowley,                                  friends in the back, Thompson was                                                                                                      old deodorant to me." said UW-L
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      apologize for putting a product out
video entitled                                                y o u ' r e                          Wimberly, Main, and Morris Halls.                            based in the hard environment of                                                                                                       student Brian Farsmith.
"Wild Girls                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           there that does not work as
                                                              restricted to                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     "Apparently this student
Uncensored".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          advertised," said company
                                                              living with just                                                                                                                                                                                                                         did not see those commercials or
The video                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             spokesman Mike Johan. "We
                                                              a bunch of                                                                                                                                                                                                                               else he would think otherwise of the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      thought that our product really
features none                                                 girls, I mean                                                                                                                                                                                                                            product. If you have this stuff on,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      could make the women flock to
other than our                                                we barely get to                                                                                                                                                                                                                         women will just walk up to you and
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      men, but apparently we don't have
very       own                                                see any guys let                                                                                                                                                                                                                         start making out. Or at least^thats
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      the right formula yet." added Johan
Trowbridge                                                    alone even talk                                                                                                                                                                                                                          what they say happens." said local
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                The news of the recall has
residents                                                     to them, we                                                                                                                                                                                                                               frat member George Steven.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      hit local fraternities the hardest.
letting loose                                                 really     just                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Axe thinks that it is
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Bluff reported Jon Heintz talked to
like       they                                               wanted        to                                                                                                                                                                                                                         "dangerously close" to having a
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      a few of the heart broken members.
never have                                                    unleash and get                                                                                                                                                                                                                          formula that would be irresistible to
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "Every time Isaw the commercials
before, and                                                    s o m e                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 the ladies. "We hope to release a
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      for this stuff it gave me hope the I
it's all caught                                                attention" .                                                                                                                                                                                                                            new spray in 2005, that will do what
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      would be getting chicks soon
on tape!                                                       That they did,                                                                                                                                                                                                                          the original failed to accomplish."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      enough. I figured if this stuff could
              "It                                              hundreds of                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Johan added.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      work on a mannequin, it could do
was complete                                                   male students                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    "I just hope that they hurry
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      wonders for a real guy like me."
padm oniu                                                      were      seen                                                                                                                                                                                                                          up with this new spray. You can only
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      said Steve Lightmen, a member of
said            a                                              cheering them                                                                                                                                                                                                                           get by on a fake tan, bleached hair
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      a local fraternity.
crewman,                                                       o      n        ,                                                                                                                                                                                                                       and Abercrombie warm-ups for so
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Steve also said "I
"I've never                                                    encouraging                                                                                                                                                                                                                             long" said one anxious frat member.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      remember me and my boys used
seen anything                                                  their rampant                                                                                                                                                                          to get pumped up for going to the
like it, not -                           *o                                                        In addition, a private team of                               inner city Chicago. "I like hitting
                                                              b eh a v i or.                       assorted mercenaries has also been
once have the                                                                                                                                                   things," said Thompson, when asked
                                                              Chris,         a                     commissioned to "stand by" in case
girls been this out of control." The sophomore at the University said                                                                                           about his feelings on protecting
                                                                                                   of an emergency. "Instead of a few                           innocent students.
 ladies of Trowbridge were seen it was "the best day of his life".
                                                                                                   puny handguns, we now can strike                             The first task that the new teams will
 gallivanting through campus late                     The commotion finally                        fear into the hearts of criminals and                        be dealing with is the enforcement
 Friday night and continued on until died down around four a.m. when
                                                                                                   student criminals with our advanced                          of parking tickets. Instead of
 early Saturday morning with the most girls were seen heading back
                                                                                                   firepower," said a slightly militant                         existing parking officials giving
 GGW crew by their side. Clothes to various residence halls as the
                                                                                                   University official. Each team will                          tickets, any vehicle found without a
 were strewn about the sidewalks as camera crew packed up. While no
                                                                                                   be staffed with personalities known                          parking pass will be riddled with
 the girls lost all their inhibitions and arrests were made for this public
                                                                                                   to those in the police community.                            bullets or blown up, depending on
 self-control.                             display of debauchery, the                              The leader of sniper team Tau Kappa                          which team is on duty at the team.
           Matters only were made University is still deciding on how                              Epsilon is Butch "Maniac"                                    "Justice is a cheap sham, quotes
 worse when the Doggfather to deal with the situation that took                                    Jonstone. "I'm sick of all of these                          Jonstone. Maybe the students will
 himself was found in the mix. "It         place on campus grounds. Officials                       little %#$*'s prancing around like                          shape up with my boot in their face."
 really got rowdy when Snoop Dogg agreed to wait and view the actual                               they pay to be here or something like                        The new regulations will take effect
 showed up," said an onlooker. tape shot by the GGW crew to                                         that. If any of those snots crosses                         by winter time, so if you see the new
 "Chicks were all over the place, make a decision. As for Snoop                                    me, it'll be raining cranium before                          officials on campus give them a
 two of them asked me to take a                                                                     you can say "Brady Law." Jonstone
                                            Dogg, he was last seen heading to                                                                                    warm hello. Just don't cross them.
 shower with them. It was great." White Hall with a number of ladies,                               was a private in the military during
 Although no one knows the exact and hasn't been heard from since.




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The Bluff, Wisconsin's Finest News Source for 200 Years                                                                                                                                                        News                                                                                                   Thursday, April 1, 2003                                                                                           Page 12




                The Racquet Editor-in-Chief
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        -




                              Enters Rehab Program
LINDA HAMMERSETH
             BLUIF ST4FF
         Todd .1.Fabos, the Editor it]                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               7
Chief for the Racquet has made the
decision to seek professional
treatment       after      publicly
acknowledging                    a     problematic
addiction to riverboats. Although this                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           fTH 3rd STREET * LACROSSE
news may come as a shock to the
Racquet's loyal readers, his decision                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                UNUSUAL DRINKING PLAC                                                                                                                                                    1/
has been applauded as potentially life-
saving by several staff members.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     II V
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  IL
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        -

           Josh Treichel, the Racquet's
news4ditor told reporters that he was                                                                                                                                                                                                                  u
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           ItR                All Y(m i Pro- 4n ntrinm
extremely relived that Fabos had
made the decision. "It takes a strong
man to admit an addiction, but Todd
simply couldn't go on with this
problern. It was interfering with his
work and his personal life. Todd
would lose sleep, searching for the                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     I
next landing date of the Mississippi                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    -- IL
Queen or writing to the Delta
Riverboat Company asking for                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I   ~ ~ ~
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
informational brochures so he can
write another lame article about the
damn things for The Racquet." He                                                                                                                                                                                                      1l                     w                                                  -
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             S~~~~                                                                                                  anf                                                             III
stated.
           Another Racquet staff
member, Jimmy, who wished to keep
                                                                       Die Racquet Editor Todd Fabos enjoys river boats a little too much
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                dofal                                        D )r                       ss                     Up an d W / n!
his last name anonymous, confided
that he had been worrying about
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 W WHU8Y                                                                                   1st Plate 1/2 B~rr..d P'rt.
Fabos since September, when he had
first seen the Mississippi Queen in La                                                                                                                                                                                                                       t(OG 9U1l0981t 9lPUU                                                                          2.rod Platte $75 ar Tab
Crosse. "Todd started to talk about
them (the riverboats) constantly, he
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  ?<rvlllllI rvll                                                                          3rd PlMae 25 Bar Tab
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  S,    M-

was always comparing his life in La
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           NMwll
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       $                                                                          ~~~~"
Crosse to life on the 'Old Miss' like
he was friggin' Mark Twain or
something."
           Fabos's      friends    and
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               o
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               .                                      $                       s                                                    $'
associates are helping to prepare him                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       *
for the six-week intensive
rehabilitation program, which will be
held in an undisclosed location in                                                                                                                                                                                                         E!!|              -          -A               ni-liii&!l~h^^^^91^^^^B8^^
Nebraska.



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