It was wrong

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					It was wrong. All of it was wrong. Somewhere, sometime, destiny had gone
horribly off track. Or maybe someone ‘up there’ had a cruel and nasty sense
of humour in not only tangling our lives as deeply as they had, but also in
making me aware of just how convoluted the entire mess was. It was near
impossible to tell which was worse: how badly it was knotted, or knowing
about the tangling.

I suppose though, I should start at the beginning. Well, I can’t start there
since I don’t know the beginning. I suppose then, I’ll start at the
beginning for me. The beginning when I became aware of it all.

It started long before any of us met in this lifetime. When we all led
solitary, ‘normal’ little lives…well, as normal a life a sleeping warrior
from a millennia fallen passed civilization based on the Moon could have.
You know, said that way, it sounds incredible. Maybe even more impossible
then our situation.

When I was young, before my mother died and my father and I became possessed,
I dreamed of my soulmate. I knew her face and heard her voice long before I
met her this time around. Now in time, I don’t know if I saw glimpses of her
because of my past and being Saturn, or if it was because of the other
spiritual forces that met in me. She is actually also a comrade of mine and
even my captain and leader in our duty. My soulmate, as I know now, is the
senshi Sailor Venus, captain of her Majesty’s personal guard. She goes by
the name Aino Minako now, but I know beneath everything, she is the same
woman.

When I was a child, I would dream of her. I would see her in both the waking
hours and those as I slept. It was those glimpses that kept me going through
the darkness I lived for so long. It was the thought of finally finding and
meeting her that kept me sane and in this world. If I hadn’t seen her, I
don’t know if I would have survived the hell I lived. She was my strength
and driving power. I didn’t know her, but already she’d saved my life and
soul countless times by the time we met.

I’ve learned recently, she too saw her future mate. A girl with dark raven
locks and amethyst eyes was whom she saw. The problem was, there are two of
us with dark hair and with that hue of eyes, and sadly for me, I met her
later. Minako saw the girl as a child, and so, time marred the features and
blurred them until they were but vague shadows of the former vision. When
Minako met Hino Rei, it was no wonder that she believed her to be her
soulmate.

For Rei’s part, Rei had always felt a connection with the woman she had
always seen in her visions. A beautiful woman with long blonde hair and the
bluest of eyes. A woman with a quick smile and kind word for anyone. Again,
though, two fit such a description. In truth, the reincarnated warrior from
Mars had seen not Venus, but her Queen. In previous lifetimes, before
Endymion had ever come into our lives, Mars and Serenity had shared a deep
bond. There was much speculation on just how deep that bond had gone –on
both parts.

Serenity and Mars were soulmates, but that did not mean that they had to be
lovers. To be a soulmate, only meant that one’s destiny was tightly locked
with that of another. They could share a variety of relationships from
familial to the best of friends to lovers or simply companions. Their souls
were tightly linked, and it was that which made them soulmates. In some
lifetimes, yes, they shared each other’s bed, but in this lifetime and the
last, they did not. Serenity had found another. Endymion and Serenity were
destined and they did share a soulbond too.
One might ask: how is that possible? To have more than one soulmate? The
only answer that I can ever offer is that souls and hearts have never adhered
to the social laws and constraints placed upon the bodies they inhabit. If
we cannot explain our souls, then how can we lay down rules for them? If we
cannot control our hearts and love, then how can we assume to know everything
about them? I suppose that it is possible, but I’ve never put much thought
into the matter, truthfully. I suppose you could say that I’ve been
preoccupied with my own predicament.

Ah, yes. That little knot.   I suppose I should explain the further
entanglements.

How can there be others, I suppose you ask. Well, trust me when I say that
there is always more. When such a knot exists, there is always more.

Venus and I are soulmates; yet, Venus believes that Mars is the one she saw
in her youth. A year ago, after the fall of Galaxia, Rei and Minako began a
relationship beyond that of friendship. While Rei had originally thought
that Usagi was whom she saw in her visions, she soon came to believe that
perhaps it was Minako she saw. The doubt, though, has always been in her
mind. She’s always wondered if maybe she was wrong.

Then, there is Usagi who has always felt a deep connection to Rei, and that
connection has been akin to that which she feels with Mamoru. Usagi fears
that connection and what she believes what it might mean. For his part, our
prince can sense the worries Usagi harbours. He even knows what stems them
since he too feels the connection with Rei. He loves her, but is not in love
with her. Instead, the connection between them is something else, something
more akin to that of brother and sister. I wonder sometimes though, how much
does he know about Minako and I?

And me? Well, I sit in the middle of this entire complicated mess. I am
deeply and inescapably in love with a woman who loves another. And that
woman, very possibly loves another, who is also loved by someone else. And
out of everyone, I am the damned soul aware of it all.

What will I do, I suppose you ask.

Nothing. That is what I shall do. I will continue on as with everything
that I do, falling deeper and deeper in love with one that I cannot have, all
the while aware that someday this will all come crashing down upon us.
Someday soon, I fear. I shall do nothing to disrupt my soulmate’s happiness;
I only want her happy. How could I ever claim to love her, but consciously
sacrifice her joy for my own?

No, I shall stay silent in hopes that this will not come to a head, and that
this will stay a secret for much longer. I will stay silent and love from
afar, doing all that I can to keep her happy. In truth, I am used to being a
step outside of everything. A step away from her. I’ve lived my entire
existence this way, having but all too agonisingly brief moments with her. I
only want her happy.

That is what I tell myself; for it is the only way I can survive. If I can
deceive myself long enough, then maybe one day I can stop loving her. Maybe
one day the pain can stop.

Maybe.

~~~
Minako let the book fall from her numbed fingers. She hadn’t meant to
stumble across it. She’d come to get…something, she couldn’t remember what
now. Instead of whatever it was she’d come looking for, Minako had found
Hotaru’s open journal upon the desk. Her eyes had skimmed over it in search
of that damned thing. Words had caught her attention, and before she had
realised it, she’d read too much to stop.

Now it wasn’t just Hotaru who knew. Now Minako too felt the burden heavier
than that of Atlas’ rest upon her shoulders, and unlike Hercules she had no
lion pelt to soften the weight.

Minako slid a hand over her suddenly cold face, and realised belatedly that
her hand shook violently. All of her shook, she realised a few disconnected
seconds later. She trembled, and it seemed her knees had become as weak as
jelly. She only just managed to pull the chair out at the desk before she
came crashing down. Long minutes passed and stretched out in separate
eternities as her mind refused to comprehend what she had read. It flat out
refused to even consider the remote possibility of the truth in the words.
She knew it was truth though. Somewhere, deep within her, she knew.

Quiet steps caused her to jerk her head up in horror. She knew the sound of
those steps, just as she knew the owner of the feet that made them. And as
she really thought of it, she knew that everything that was written was true.

Now, Minako knew too, and as soon as the other young woman stepped through
that doorway, she would know that Minako knew. Then, the tangled web woven
through their lives would be exposed, and everyone would have to see the
truths denied.

The young woman took a deep breath and lifted her blue eyes to meet the
violet she had dreamed of long ago. She saw the fear. She saw the anguish.
She saw the pain. She saw the truth. She saw the love.

“You know.”

The younger woman spoke only those two words before sinking to her knees and
letting the tears slide down. “You know,” she whispered again.

Faintly and numbly, Minako felt her own make their way down her cheeks.   “I
know,” she said, the words equally as soft.

Hotaru looked up, fear, anguish, and a loss at what to do stark in her eyes.
“What do we do now?”

Minako looked away and squeezed her eyes closed, the tears coming harder now,
the pain in her chest intensifying. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t
know.”

~~~

(Heh. This is the end of the story, by the way. [grins evilly] I might,
though, be convinced to write another one, if anybody cares to read the
annoyingly complicated mess. Give the author feedback if you do, or I’ll
keep it allll to myself.)

				
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