Good evening Ladies & Gentlemen. First and foremost let me start by thanking the
Maid-of-Honour - Sandra - whom you will agree looks beautiful tonight. Sandra has
travelled from Sydney, Australia to share this momentous occasion with us, but was
preparing well in advance, and as a result of the numerous phone calls and emails
between herself and Jacqui, I have a special thank-you from Telecom New Zealand.
I have with me some some email from people unable to celebrate and share tonight
in person: (Read as supplied) Now, the obvious protocol for a wedding speech is to
offer thoughtful compliments and simple insights, keeping things short-and-sweet,
and nice-and-simple. However, having reviewed my list of duties as the Best Man
(so willingly supplied by Jacqui), I had 3 main tasks to perform:
Keep the groom calm, keep the rings safe and dish some dirt in my speech!
Some of you may considerate it inappropriate to divulge Gary‟s secrets, but will
agree that Jacqui deserves the truth.
Please understand; it‟s not my intention to sabotage this wonderful evening, so
naturally I have confirmed my facts with the most reliable sources and suprisingly,
both Interpol and the Probation Department confirmed the accuracy of my findings
and even congratulated my resourcefulness, then asked that I use descretion
revealing the information due to ongoing investigations & legal concerns. (remove 4
So much for tradition! Which brings to mind a „traditional‟ piece of humour I‟d like to
share with you:
A young couple, much like Gary and Jax, were in their honeymoon suite on the wedding
night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly character, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
The unsuspecting bride assumed it was part of the consumation ritual and proceeded to
put on the pants, to find that the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can‟t wear your
pants,” she said. “That‟s right and don‟t you forget it,” said the husband. “I‟m the man in
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and
found he could only get them as far as his kneecaps. “Bugger! I can‟t get into your
pants.‟ he said. “Damn right!” she replied, “and that‟s the way it‟s going to be until
you change your attitude.”
On a more serious note, I can honestly think of no secrets that Gary may have kept
from Jax, but rather imagine that Jacqui has a few about him, which she‟s kept from us.
After nearly 10 years and 4 continents of constant companionship, their marriage today is
a mere formaltiy, legalising what everyone present already knows... their committment is
eternal. You need to understand that as a lad, there was no shortage of girls lining up to
be by Gary‟s side, and ironic that I compare them to a „buffet of beauties‟ considering his
profession as a chef. But with Jacqui it was different. For the first time I can recall, Gary
was doing the chasing... and for him to put in the time and effort required to please a lady
made me realise that this relationship was to be something rather special.
Gazza, now that you‟re officially married, it is my responsibility to explain The
Rules of the game:
1. The female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows The Rules, she will immediately
some or all of The Rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
7. The male must never change his mind without written consent from the
8. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
9. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in grievious bodily harm.
10. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Gary and Jacqui, it‟s rare to find a soulmate with so many common interests, and
having seen the efforts and sacrifices that you have both made to ensure „Source
Catering‟ is a success, I have no doubt that your marriage will grow from strength to
If I can ask you all to charge your glasses, rise, and join me in toasting the parents of
the Bride and Groom.
“To the respective parents, we wish you health and happiness.... and grandchildren -