VIEWS: 22 PAGES: 21 POSTED ON: 9/14/2011
COMMUNICATION Communication I Messages (This is how it is for me.) Vs. You Messages (You are sooo annoying.) “YOU” Messages Can Be Painful and Do Not Enhance Communication You are always late. Why did you do that? You drive me crazy You are acting like a baby. You shouldn’t have said that! Effects of “YOU” Messages Puts people on defense – makes them resistant to change Puts people down Makes people feel unimportant Creates anger Effects of “I” Message It doesn’t blame or anger the other person. It places the focus on “me”. It places the responsibility for modifying the behavior on the other person. “ I “ Message Example When you tap on your desk with your pencil, I feel upset because I get distracted and have difficulty teaching. When I try to help you, and you don’t say anything, I feel confused, because I don’t know how you feel about my help. Component of “I” message 1. The other person’s specific behavior 2. The resulting feelings you experienced 3. What new behaviors would you expect from the other person (optional) 4. The impact of the other person’s behavior on you Components of “I Messages” 1. The situation What is happening? Example: The people you live with do not give you your phone messages. Components of “I Messages” 2. Describe the person’s behavior in specific but nonjudgmental terms. Example: When you do not give me my telephone messages… Components of “I Messages” 3. Point out the specific ways that person’ behavior affects you… Example: I don’t have the information I need. Components of “I Messages” 4. Tell the person how you feel about the behavior that “owns your emotions.” Example: Then I feel frustrated. Components of “I Messages” 5. Tell the person what you want him or her to do… Example: So, I would appreciate it if you would write down my messages. ACTIVE LISTENING Also called Empathic Responding Active Listening 1. Put your own needs aside 2. Provide empathy and acceptance 3. Help the person clarify the problem and feelings 4. Do not offer solutions How Can We Listen Actively? Non-verbal: • Posture • Gesture • Eye contact • Nodding • Smiling • Minimal encouragers How Can We Listen Actively? Verbal: Voice tone Parroting Clarification Paraphrasing Reflecting Probing Open-ended questions Empathy Communicate a sense of understanding of the other person’s subjective world. Act as “if” you were in their shoes Empathy Use words that express emotion: Examples: concerned angry afraid overwhelmed frustrated jealous confused happy Empathy “I have to work to help support my family, I’m trying to do well in school, and I’d like to go out with my friends, but it isn’t easy.” What could YOU say to this person? Empathy Possibilities: 1. Well, just keep at it. You will be fine 2. I work and go to school too. If I can do it you can do it, too. 3. You sound overwhelmed. 4. It sounds impossible. Empathy Correct answer: You sound overwhelmed. Why? Because you are trying to get into the other person’s real feelings. You are attempting to let them know you truly understand and empathize.