same old types and —
what, them again?
“Survivor” is back for an amazing 23rd season and not to mention a word artist, a Playboy centerfold “Survivor:
the lineup of fools, posers and sadly misinformed and the return of Coach, who once avoided being South Pacific
people has us drooling into our rice and coconut ra- a rump roast for a rogue band of pygmy cannibals; 7 p.m. on
tions. and Ozzy, who is part gazelle, part fish and all man. Channel 13,
8 p.m. on
We’ve got a mortician, a medical marijuana “dis- Let the eye-rolling begin. Channel 5,
penser” and baseball/dating coach in the cast, — Joan Morris Sept. 14.
Savaii tribe uPolu tribe
Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth Keith Tollefson John Cochran Benjamin “Coach” Stacey Powell Brandon Hantz
30, Venice 26, Edina, Minn. 24, Washington, D.C. Wade 44, Grand Prairie, Texas 19, Katy, Texas
Occupation: Surfer, model, Occupation: Water treatment Occupation: Harvard Law 39, Susanville Occupation: Mortician Occupation: Oil tanker crew-
professional “Survivor” player tech student Occupation: Symphony con- Survivor skills: We suppose man
Survivor skills: This is Ozzy’s Survivor skills: He can surf, Survivor skills: He won ductor/soccer coach/pastor her strongest skill is knowing Survivor skills: Eek, it’s
third go at the game, playing swim and be a gentleman, and the Dean’s Scholar Prize at Survivor skills: Coach is where all the Evil Little Troll’s Evil Little
previously apparently Harvard for an essay he wrote also back for a third time, but the bodies Nephew.
in “Survi- the guy on the “Survivor” jury system. because he are buried. Or maybe
vor: Cook can purify Yes, folks, played the We just not. Hantz,
Islands” water like meet the game bet- hope she nephew
and “Sur- nobody’s future of ter his first isn’t too of repeat
vivor: Mi- business, a the judicial try than stiff and survivor
cronesia.” frequently system. his second, will really Russell
The man underrated He’s also we’re not get down Hantz,
has wicked skill on good on holding out in the dirt says he’s
skills, “Survivor.” the guitar, hope. He’s and fight competing
dominating Surviv- trivia and certainly for her in order
in chal- ability: He has potential, but the history fit, but his tribe. If not, she’ll be dead in to show
lenges but falling flatter than Jeff we’re worried that his biggest of the emotions the water, her dreams for the everyone there is more than
Probst’s delivery in the social pet peeve will eventually turn Beatles. and a habit of speaking in million pushing up daisies. If one side to the Hantz family.
aspects. He claims to have him into the guy who befriends Something tells us he would parables from the 8th cen- you’re wondering why we’re He likes shooting his guns,
matured since his torch was last a crab and names it Carlos. have voted Yoko off the island tury tend to shoot the golden wasting this space with a bunch hunting and eating crawfish,
snuffed, but we’ll be the ultimate That pet peeve? “I really dislike in a heartbeat. arrows of vexation into his of bad puns it’s because the and he’s most proud of his own
judge of that. people talking behind my back, Survivability: He’s not in the dragon of faith. woman’s bio is deadly dull. She son, Elijah.
Survivability: If this were a especially when it’s not true.” game to win a million dollars. likes to read, grill outdoors and Survivability: Proving the
Survivability: Coach says he, dance, doesn’t like gum pop-
game of pure survival, Ozzy And, oh yeah, rude people set He’s here to make the game too, has changed, promising Hantz family tree doesn’t
would win hands down. But him off. better. His secondary motiva- pers, and describes herself as a have many limbs, Evil Little
that “Coach 3.0 is going to be team player and a go-getter.
it isn’t, so we’ll have to see if tion is to have some adventure different than any time you’ve Troll Once Removed describes
Ozzy really has learned to sub- and excitement in his life so he seen him.” Let’s see. Grandiose Survivability: Are you himself as “very handsome,
tly manipulate those around won’t feel like he’s on autopilot. statement, moronic cliché, kidding? Powell is DOA smart, cunning, manipulative
him, and whether he has the Jim Rice Stoke up the campfire, boys, speaking of himself in the third — Doomed, Outplayed and Aw- and funny.” If you can’t vote
heart for it. 35, Denver we’re roasting law school person. Sounds like the old ful. On the other hand, maybe Russell out again, then please,
Occupation: Medical mari- student tonight. coach we know and love to reports of her snuffing were vote off his kin.
juana dispenser mock. exaggerated.
Dawn Meehan Survivor skills: Are you
41, South Jordan, Utah kidding us? Every member of Semhar Tadesse Mikayla Wingle
Occupation: English professor
his tribe 24, Los Angeles Albert Destrade 22, Tampa, Fla.
at Brigham Young University
Sophie Clarke 26, Plantation, Fla. Occupation: Lingerie football
to be his 22, Willsboro, N.Y.
Survivor skills: The woman best friend artist Occupation: Baseball/dating player
has adopted six children, once they Survivor skills: If ever a lamb Occupation: Medical student coach Survivor skills: Wait a minute.
which says learn what were in the wilderness, it’s Survivor skills: Clarke was Survivor skills: OK, so here’s We’re still too stunned by her
something he does Tadesse. named Prom Princess at her a guy who helps you get to first occupa-
about her for a living. She is high school, although later base no tion to dish
survival Otherwise, inspired finding out matter snark. A
skills. Her he’s got by Oprah, there were what lingerie
inspiration nothing, wants to only 28 coaching football
in life is her listing his make only students in hat he’s player?
husband skills as “playing guitar, playing positive her gradu- wearing. Does the
(awww), poker and anything outdoors.” contribu- ating class For allow- NFL know
and she Survivability: Rice claims to tions, takes the ing us that about this?
likes be the “most unique person” describes sparkle off bad joke, She also
to swim, write, blog and to apply. In a field littered with herself as the tiara. we were was on the
bake bread. Her pet peeves, the likes of Johnny Fairplay, silly, flirty Generally, ready to February
however, are brown grass Rupert, Boston Rob and and sensitive, dislikes liars and she doesn’t give him cover of Playboy and got to
and complainers, although dozens of others who were is proudest of her poetry on have role the money. But then we read meet “the hardworking Hugh
we’re guessing that people either incredibly crafty or YouTube. She is a “people per- models, being skeptical of lion- his resume. His claim to fame Hefner.” Her hobbies are going
who don’t complain about the incredibly nuts, that’s a big son” who will bring laughter, izing any one person, but she is hitting his first college home to Broadway plays, camping
brown grass are really on the claim. Especially coming from positivity and her experiences does admire Albert Schweitzer. run off a guy who became a and taking long walks on the
top of her list. someone who likes to play living in Eritrea, a country in On the other hand, she dislikes first-round draft pick. Some- beach.
Survivability: If this were a poker and push the pot, if you the Horn of Africa, to her tribe. smart women who pretend to thing tells us that might have Survivability: We’re sure her
game called “The Next Top get our drift. Survivability: We don’t even be dumb, “particularly if they been his only home run. He male teammates will enjoy
Happy Homemaker Who Also know if the woman can swim, wear a lot of eye makeup,” and has no patience for ignorance, sitting around discussing of-
Works Outside of the House” run or do anything the least bit people who walk slowly in cold and is bothered by “mentally fensive plays and whether the
we’d say she’d be a shoe-in. physical. But dang, we bet she weather. weak people.” Green Bay Packers will repeat.
But it’s not, and she isn’t. Oh Mark Caruso can write a haiku on being the Survivability: Well, excuse us Survivability: We hope he’s Oh heck, just give her the
well, she’ll have lots of time to 48, Forest Hills, N.Y. first person voted off. for trying to prevent break- not too bothered when all money now.
water the lawn at Loser Lodge. Occupation: Retired New ing a hip on the icy path. This those people he thinks are
York police detective little princess is in for a rude ignorant and weak line up to
awakening. We hope she walks vote off his behind.
Survivor skills: We love see- Elyse Umemoto quickly when her torch is Edna Ma
Whitney Duncan ing cops on “Survivor.” They 27, Las Vegas snuffed. 35, Los Angeles
27, Nashville generally
Occupation: Dance team Occupation: Anesthesiologist
Occupation: Country music
do well in
physical Markoski Survivor skills: She not only
singer challenges Survivor skills: Umemoto Rick Nelson 39, Merrick, N.Y.
was the first in her family to
Survivor skills: Weeee but have lists her credentials as being 51, Aurora, Utah finish col-
howdy, we just love her al- a moral the second Occupation: Teacher lege, she
ready. Her compass runner-up Occupation: Rancher went on to
Survivor skills: She signed
two inspira- that steers to Miss Survivor skills: The “Survi- up for “Survivor” to meet yet complete
tions in life them right America vor” producers always like to another medical
are Jesus out of this and raising include goal — to school.
and Elvis cutthroat, her three some hick prove she She
— Elvis, back-stab- younger from the can do it describes
because bing, conniving game. Will sisters. Her sticks in — and so herself as
he was Det. Caruso be any differ- hobbies the cast, that her a critical
a singer, ent? Maybe. He worked as include we’re pre- brother-in- thinker
and Jesus, a “morgue detective” for 20 baking suming for law can tell who is
because he years and we have no idea cupcakes, comic relief people his good at tasks and building a
saved her. what that is, but wouldn’t amassing useless trivia and or perhaps sister-in- team. She also believes she
We hope she listed those in the it make a great name for a quotes, and reading memoirs. a chance law is on can achieve anything she sets
right order. television show? He thinks he Her pet peeves are professional to use “Survivor.” her sights on. Her pet peeves
Survivability: We think she can win because people like athletes with bad attitudes, wet subtitles Seems rather extreme to us, are idleness, liars and decep-
has a good chance of be- him even though he can be laundry that doesn’t get moved for all of the city folks who but then again we don’t list tion, which in the long run will
coming that really irritating sarcastic and get in people’s to the dryer immediately, pretty don’t speak good ol’ boy. But our pet peeves as people who likely doom her because there
survivor who giggles a lot, faces. Oh, wait, do you think he girls wearing ugly shoes and Nelson seems to have a lot on don’t wait their turn, stupid are always idle people, liars
likes to braid everyone’s hair was being sarcastic? people who drink decaf. the ball, so he might just lasso and inconsiderate drivers and and deception on “Survivor.”
and wants the tribe to gather Survivability: Here’s a guy Survivability: Oh yeah, she’ll that million and ride off into “people who don’t peel the Survivability: Ma sounds like
around the campfire for an who says he’s a good listener, go far in the game as long as the sunset. price sticker off the bottom of a wonderful person and, if she
evening of singin’ and prayin’ . can be supportive to his team, no one forces her to wear ugly Survivability: Probably not, their shoes.” forms the right alliance, she
We’re not saying that’s bad; loves to work hard and has shoes or drink decaf. We hope though. He can hunt, fish and Survivability: If anyone is may get far in the game before
we’re just saying it’s not a good proved throughout his life her luxury item is a Kindle build a fire, and has a “lifetime bothered by a price sticker on someone slips a mask over
idea in this reality game. that he can be a leader. Sadly, because she’ll have plenty of of little tricks” to make life a stranger’s shoe so much that her face and asks her to count
those are all things that tend to time to read memoirs at Loser nicer in camp. They sure will she is compelled to list it as a backward from 100.
doom a survivor. Lodge. miss him when he’s gone. pet peeve, then she won’t last
three days on “Survivor.”