miscellaneous

							I'll never forget my father's last words:
Jack! Don't move the scaffoldingggggggggggg...

-Have you seen, Jim, that they're looking for a cashier in the Bank of Melbourne?
-But they hired one last week.
-Yes, they're precisely looking for that one.

-Doctor, doctor, how long have I got to live?
-Five, four, three, two.......

-Before, when you where one of a kind, they raised your salary.
-And what happens now?
-Now when you are one of a kind, they change you for a computer.

-Mom, mom, at school they call me a mafia-type.
-All right son, tomorrow I'll go and take care of that.
-Okay, mom, but make it look like an accident.

There is a missionary who suddenly finds himself in front of a lion dying of
hunger. The missionary gets on his knees, and prays:
-Father, fill this poor lion with Christian sentiments.
There is a silence, and the lion gets on its knees and says:
-Father, bless the food which I am about to receive...

-Mom, I'm fourteen now. Now can I wear a bra and panties?
-No.
-But, Mom.......
-No, Arthur, no!

A man goes to a restaurant and orders:
-For the first dish, watery soup with a couple of hairs, for the second, a steak
hidden under a French fry, and for dessert bland rice with sour milk. Oh, and also
a bit of hard bread and a glass of the cheapest wine
that exists.
-But sir, we don't serve those things.
-No? What about the meal you gave me yesterday?

Two drunks in a bar, and one says to the other:
Stop drinking! You're getting blurry.

A demonstration with 200,000 people in front of the central government are
asking for more employment in the country. The president comes out, points at
one person and says:
"Let's see, you, come here--we're going to give you work."
"What!? If there are 200,000 people here, why does it have to be me?"

Dad, what does 'Formatting drive C:' mean?

-Doctor, my memory is failing.
-Since when?
-Since when what....?

-We can get married, Mary. Will it be enough for you with my salary?
-Yes, of course. But what will you live on?

A drunk to a woman:
-Ugly, worse than ugly!
-You drunkard!
-Yes, but I'll get over it tomorrow.

-Mom! At school they call me 'rabbit teeth'.
-Take it easy son, but get up on a chair because you're scratching the floor.

The ear doctor says: Congratulations. The hearing test is favorable!
-What? What did you say?

A gentleman is parking his car in front of the Congress building, and an employee
comes out and says:
-Excuse me. Don't park there. The senators are going to be coming out.
-It doesn't matter. I have the anti-theft mechanism on.

-Father, I confess that I have committed the sin of the flesh.
-That is serious, my son. How many times?
-I have come to confess, not to show off!

At the oculist:
-Let's see, tell me the third letter of that chart.
-What chart?

-My wife ran off with my best friend.
-Your best friend? What's his name?
-I don't know.
-What??
-I don't know, but since he ran off with her, he became my best friend.

A woman rushes into a shop:
-Give me a rat trap. Quick, I have to catch the bus.
-We don't have them that big!

Between two crazy people:
-Let's see if you can guess what I've got in my hand.
-An elephant.
-That's not fair! You saw me.

-Waiter, can you tell me what a fly floating in my soup means?
-Sir, I am a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Two persons are going through the desert. One has a canteen and the other a car
door. The one carrying the door asks:
-Why are you carrying that canteen?
-Because when I'm thirsty I drink. ¿And you with the door?
-Well, when I'm hot I roll down the window.

The teacher:
-If I have forty apples in one hand, and twenty in the other, what have I got?
-Very large hands.

-I'm worried. My wife said she wouldn't speak to me for two months.
-Come on! That's nothing to worry about.
-Yes, but the time is up today.

-Momma! How the poor animal must have suffered so that you could have a fur
coat.
-Don't speak about your father like that!
The inscription on the tombstone of a hypochondriac: -I told you I was ill.

-If you see my brother, tell him to come home.
-And if I don't see him, what should I tell him?

An elderly couple, after a lifetime of goodness, saintliness and sacrifice go to
heaven. It turns out to be a wonderful place. The man slaps his wife twice and says:
-Do you see, you witch? If you hadn't had me on that disgusting cholesterol diet
for 6 years, we would have been here before.

There is a thief who knocks on the door of a poor man:
Knock knock knock.
-Who is it?
-I'm a thief.
-And what do you want?
-Money.
-Well, wait while I turn on a light and we'll both look.

The president of the country mistakenly goes to heaven. An angel shows him a
room where there are many clocks:
-What are those clocks for?
-There's one for each human. Each lie that he or she tells advances it one minute.
-And where is mine?
-We have it in the kitchen as a ventilator.

-Why are you jumping like that?
-Because I just took some medicine and I forgot to shake it first.

The husband to his wife:
-Where have you been?
-In the beauty parlor.
-Was it closed?

-Your house is very damp.
-I know, but think of how safe it is if there's a fire!

A man from a village goes to the big city and says to a taxi driver:
-How much will it cost to take me to Hotel Marifló?
-Four dollars.
-How much for the suitcases?
-Nothing for the bags.
-Well, take them and I'll walk.

-What do you prefer, ignorance or indifference?
-I neither know nor care.

At the doctor's:
-You have nothing serious, what is probably happening is that you lead a very
sedentary life. Go out and take long walks every day. By the way, what do you do?
-I'm a mailman.

A man from Melbourne sees his friend with a watch over his head, pressing all the
little buttons. He says to him:
-Steve, what are you doing?
-I've just bought this watch and they told me I could take a shower with it, but I
can't find the tap...

A priest during the Sunday sermon:
-My children, don't smoke...because one cigarrette leads to a pack, a pack to a
drink, one drink to many drinks, many drinks to a woman, one woman to many
women....
And one fellow says to him:
-Where did you say they sell those cigarettes?

-Mom, mom, why do brides wear white on their wedding day?
-Because it's the happiest day of their life.
 -Oh, then...why do the grooms wear black?

An Andalusian father to his son:
-I've told you four million three hundred fifty-five thousand times not to
exaggerate.

On a bus full of cross-eyed people, the tour guide says:
-Now if you look to the left, you will see on your right the Coliseum...
The doctor speaking with a patient.
-Hello, Mr. Johnson. I have good news and bad news for you.
-Tell me the good news.
-The good news is that you have 24 hours left to live.
-And the bad news!!??
-I forgot to tell you yesterday.

-Listen, my good man, don't you know that alcohol kills a million Americans
every year?
-It doesn't matter, I'm Argentinian.

Three children bragging about their uncles:
-My uncle is a priest and everyone calls him 'Reverend'.
-Well mine is a cardinal, and everyone calls him 'Eminence'.
-That's nothing, mine weighs 400 pounds and when people see him go by they
say 'My God'.

-Pardon me, but you owe me three months rent.
-You are pardoned, friend, you're pardoned.

-Morning, sir. We are the moving men and we've come to take the piano.
-But I didn't call anyone!
-Yes, but your neighbors did.

The doctor seeing an alcoholic:
-Listen, your health is precarious. You must drink much more water than wine.
-Impossible, doctor! I'm already drinking three liters of wine....

The teacher to the students:
-Johnny, what family does the rhinoceros belong to?
-I don't know, miss. No one on our street has one.

A mountain climber asks a local:
-Do they fall very often when they try to scale that peak?
-No, once is enough.

A secretary asks the boss for a pay raise and the boss answers:
-I will think about your request and that will give you time to look for another
job.

At the doctor's:
-Why didn't you take the medicine I prescribed?
-Because on the label of the bottle it said 'Keep tightly closed' and ...

-Why do government employees work more on Mondays?
-Because they have to tear three pages off the desk calendar.

The policeman shouts:
-Who goes there?
-Nobody.
-It's a good thing!

In class:
-Johnny, tell me the present indicative of the verb 'swim'.
Johnny shouts the answer: -I SWIM YOU SWIM HE SWIMS...
-Lower, Johnny, lower.
-I dive, you dive, he dives...

The teacher to the student:
-Come on, quickly: How much is 2 and 2 ?
-Five!
-No. That's wrong.
-Well, what did you ask for, speed or precision?

The local fair time has arrived, and someone goes to the mayor and asks:
-Do you think it will rain during the bullfight?
-It doesn't matter, I have everything planned. If it rains in the morning, we'll have
the bullfight in the afternoon, and if it rains in the afternoon, we'll have the
bullfight in the morning.


-You know, I have a parrot that says 'Mom' and 'Dad'.
-Oh yeah? I have a can that says 'Peaches in syrup'.

-Hello, Alex! But, how you have changed!
-Excuse me, but my name is not Alex.
-Man! You've changed so much that you even have a new name!

In a large department store, the personnel manager tells the boss:
-We have to do something about the accountant.
-What's wrong with him?
-He's getting deaf and doesn't do his job properly.
-Put him in the complaints department.

A miserly father says to his son:
-Jordi, go to the neighbor's house and ask to borrow his hammer to hammer in a
nail.
The boy goes and returns:
-The neighbor says he won't lend it to us, that we'll put wear and tear on it.
-Some people are so stingy...Go and get ours.

A dinner in a mansion and the countess says to the butler:
-Have you told the guests that I will sing an opera after desert?
-Yes, countess.
-And what did they say?
-They will not have desert, ma'am.

The soldiers are formed and the sergeant says:
-Shoulder arms!..........No, no, no. The one with the tank, no.

A man from Miami in a pizzeria, orders a pizza and when it comes out of the
oven, the waiter asks him:
-Should I cut it into four or eight pieces?
-Cut it into four, I don't think I can eat eight.

The judge to the man under arrest:
-You again? I told you I didn't want to see you here again.
-Yes, your honor, I tried to tell the officers that but they didn't pay any attention
to me.

A man is driving down the motorway and he hears on the radio:
-Attention. There is a crazy person driving along the motorway on the wrong
side of the road.
And the man says:
-One crazy person? There are hundreds of them!

-Pilot to control! The right engine doesn't work.
-Try to land using the left engine.
-Impossible! I've run out of fuel!
-Try to glide and land.
-Impossible! I've lost all the controls.
-Control to pilot. Repeat after us: Our Father, who art in heaven...

-Mom, why does dad have so little hair?
-Because he's very intelligent and he's always thinking.
-Then, why do you have so much?
-Be quiet and eat your soup.

-Attention, Madrid. This is the Red Cross. An airplane with eight seats has crashed
in the cemetery of Lepe. The plane has been completely destroyed. Up till now we
have found 3,456 bodies.

-Officer, my husband was waiting for me here, but has disappeared.
Have you seen him?
-Are we talking about a fat man, with a mustache, dressed in green, balding and
wearing sunglasses?
-Exactly!
-Sorry, I haven't seen anyone like that.

Two crazy people are planning their escape from the asylum.
One steals a bicycle. That night they climb over the wall, the other starts to get on
the bicycle, and says:
-Hey! This bicycle has no wheels.
-Of course not. I took them off.
-Why?
-So we don't leave tracks.

Two bums are arrested and taken to the police station:
-Let's see, what is your address?
-I don't have an address.
-And you?
-I live in front of my friend.

Johnny's teacher calls his father to tell him that he's not doing to well in school.
The teacher tells him:
-For example, yesterday I asked him who had won between Rome and Carthage
and he didn't know what to answer.
-You have to forgive him. We aren't soccer fans in our house.

At trial, the judge says to a female witness:
-Madam, please state you age.
-29, your honor.
-Fine. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth?

-There was a man who ate so incredibly much that one day he went into a
restaurant, read the menu all the way through, the waiter arrived and he told the
waiter:
-That will be fine. And afterwards, a coffee

The doctor to the pacient:
-I don't know what to tell you. I can't find the exact cause of your problem. I
suspect it's due to alcohol.
-Don't worry, doctor. I'll come back another day when you are more sober.

Mother: "What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?"
Daughter: "Shall I leave out the profanity?"
Mother: "Yes, of course!"
Daughter: "Nothing."

- What do gay termites eat?
- Wood Peckers.

- Why is sex with your wife like a Store 24?
-There's not much variety, but what else is open at
3:00 in the morning?