Zombies banned from classes

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					                                                                                                   Science proves                            Student gets
                                                                                                 country music sucks                       sweet parking spot
                                                                                                           page 6                                   page 13

                                      THE COMMUNIST
Volume 10, No. 1                                                                                 Controlling Delaware and Chester Counties                                                                                  October 3, 2007

 Zombies banned from classes
By Joe Smith
                                                                                                                                                                                                     dead, is entitled access to higher education,”

                                                                                                                                                              Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
                                                                                                                                                                                                     Cooper said. “Just because a segment of the
      President Jerry Parker announced on
                                                                                                                                                                                                     population are rotting bags of flesh does not
Monday that the living dead will no longer
                                                                                                                                                                                                     mean that they should be denied the benefits
be eligible to attend classes at any DCCC
                                                                                                                                                                                                     of a college education.”
campus. The decision was made following
                                                                                                                                                                                                           According to Cooper, DCCC is in
several incidents involving the biting of living
                                                                                                                                                                                                     violation of its own mission statement, which
                                                                                                                                                                                                     is to “offer educational programs and services
      “In the interest of protecting the student
                                                                                                                                                                                                     that are accessible…in order to enhance the
body from an increasing number of attacks
                                                                                                                                                                                                     development of the community and residents
by flesh-eating zombies, we will no longer
                                                                                                                                                                                                     of its service area.”
accept any student who might turn others into
                                                                                                                                                                                                           Cooper charged that zombies are residents
a member of the undead,” Parker said during a
                                                                                                                                                                                                     of the community and should therefore be
press conference.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     guaranteed the opportunity to enroll.
      Although zombies already enrolled at
                                                                                                                                                                                                           “We don’t let students bring loaded guns
DCCC will not be forced to drop or transfer
                                                                                                                                                                                                     to school and the mouth of a zombie is just
classes, the banning of future enrollments
                                                                                                                                                                                                     the same,” Rhodes said. “Those teeth are
signals the end of an integrated campus.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     deadly weapons, that exempts zombies from
      “This is outrageous,” said Duane Jones,
                                                                                                                                                                                                     the rights given to those who don’t go around
spokesperson for the Undead Student Council.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     eating people all the time.”
“Not all of us crave human flesh at all times.
                                                                                                                                                                                                           Parker said he regrets having to make this
The entire zombie student body is being
                                                                                                                                                                                                     decision, but he is adamant that the greater
punished for the mistakes of the few.”                              “They’re dead; they’re all messed up,” says Joseph Rhodes.                                                                       good is being served.
      According      to      campus      security
                                                          Ken Foree, a 20-year-old communications       kept from attending.                                                                               “We empathize with the undead
representative Joseph Rhodes, the problem
                                                    major and zombie, was a student who, until               ACLU spokesperson Harry Cooper                                                          community,” he said, “but this is necessary
was large enough to warrant the actions that
                                                    last semester, was alive and breathing. Foree       released a statement to the media indicating                                                 to ensure that our students will stop being
have been taken. “We had four students bitten
                                                    was accosted by a member of the living dead         the group’s intention to take the school’s                                                   devoured by their peers.”
and turned into zombies just last semester,”
Rhodes said. “Zombies simply cannot keep            last June in the parking lot at Southeast Center.   new policy to court. “Every person, living or
themselves from eating people.”                     Foree was bitten during the scuffle, and
      Rhodes also said that the issue of            subsequently turned into a zombie.
                                                          “I didn’t ask to be a zombie, but I
                                                                                                        Professor implicated in doping scandal
cleanliness and sanitation played a factor in                                                                                                                                                        communications professor who has been
the decision. “Zombies are walking around           understand why the school made the decision
                                                    they have,” Foree said. “A lot of my peers see                                                                                                   nominated for the Gould Award several times.
carrying who knows how many diseases,”                                                                                                                                                               His colleagues have their doubts, however.
Rhodes said. “I mean they’re dead, they’re all      DCCC as a smorgasbord. I don’t mind. I will
                                                    still be able to go to school.”                                                                                                                        “I was always worried about David’s
                                                                                                                                                      Photo Courtesy of David Paterno

messed up.”                                                                                                                                                                                          frequent urge to spat out obscenities at small
      But zombies disagree.                               The ban will not affect Foree, but it does
                                                    affect the growing population of the living                                                                                                      children and the elderly, but I just chalked it
      “Give me a break; we all take showers                                                                                                                                                          up as stress,” said communications professor
just like everybody else,” said Jones. “Sure an     dead that may wish to attend DCCC. This is
                                                    discrimination, according to the ACLU, who                                                                                                       Denise Danford. “One thing about David that
ear or finger may fall off from time to time, but                                                                                                                                                    has always surprised me was his inability to
we aren’t walking bundles of the plague.”           plan to file a lawsuit on behalf of those being
                                                                                                                                                                                                     cry when disaster strikes, like the time when
                                                                                                                                                                                                     I broke my leg, and he started yelling at me
     Buying the stairway to heaven                                                                                                                                                                   because all he wanted to know was if it would
                                                                                                                                                                                                     keep him from watching Ultimate Fighting
By Lisa Foreman                                          The new practice will be modified to                                                                                                        Championship that night. Stress affects people
                                                    prevent this from happening. If people cannot                                                                                                    in different ways, I suppose.”
     Due to recent legal problems, the Roman        afford to donate enough money, they can make                                                                                                           This is not the first time Paterno has been
Catholic Church has decided to reinstate the        up for it in hard labor. For example, five hours                                                                                                 accused of a crime. According to anonymous
old practice of selling indulgences.                of cleaning the church with a toothbrush will                                                                                                    sources, in 1987, Paterno volunteered at a
     The Church is famous for being one of          nullify one lie. At the same time, $100 would                                                                                                    retirement home and left suddenly when
the wealthiest in the world. The Vatican itself     do the same thing.                                                                                                                               residents went missing.
is supposedly home to millions of dollars                If someone is unable to complete the hard                                                                                                         One of the elderly patients, who declined
worth of artwork.                                   labor, he or she can have someone do it for him                                                                                                  to give his name, reported feeling uneasy
     However, recent molestation charges            or her while still getting the credit.                 You won’t be smiling in jail, druggie.                                                    around Paterno, saying, “He would rig the
against members of the holy order have                   According to Catholic officials, Priests                                                                                                    bingo tournaments in his favor. The prize
dramatically cut into the church’s profits. It      are the sole people in the world who have           By EJ Crawford                                                                               was always a bowl of pudding or late night
has been forced to pay out millions of dollars      the ability to absolve sin. They are in close                                                                                                    movie privileges. Whenever someone else
both in settlement and “hush” money.                confidence with God, who gives them this                  DCCC professor David Paterno may                                                       shouted “Bingo!” Mr. Paterno would stare at
      The number of practicing churchgoers has      power. After a parishioner fulfills the needed      have to forfeit his winning of the charitable                                                him coldly and then the next night the resident
also been declining , partly due to the scandals.   indulgence, the priest removes all sin from         Marathon for Diseased Cats after high amounts                                                would be missing.”
People are donating less time and money.            them, and they are free to sin again.               of PCP, cocaine, and bovine growth hormones                                                        Police and marathon officials have stated
      “We made $300 trillion this year,” said            “I think it’s great,” said Jenny Juyle. “I     were found in his blood system Sept. 14 in                                                   Paterno will be subjected to further drug testing
Charles Grey, a Vatican official. “That is          mean I’m rich. I can buy everything else, and       Media, Pa.                                                                                   this week in Media. According to college
simply not enough. We have never had such           now finally heaven! How sweet is that!”                   The marathon was organized to help raise                                               officials, Paterno’s classes will continue as
meager profits.”                                         The Catholic Church believes that selling      money to find a cure for dying and diseased                                                  scheduled despite the investigation.
      According to the Catholic Encyclopedia,       indulgences will encourage growth. Since            cats. Paterno, a self-proclaimed animal lover,                                                     A former student, who prefers to be
indulgences were similar to money during the        they will make heaven much more accessible          has denied taking illegal drugs to enhance his                                               known only by his code name “47,” said he
1500s. Since priests accumulated so many            than other religions, their membership should       performance.                                                                                 is relieved that Paterno’s substance abuse was
good deeds that they did not need to get into       double. Church officials claim it is the way to           “Can I get a break every now and                                                       out in the open.
heaven, they could sell their extra indulgences     world peace. People will flock to the church        then?” he asked a reporter. “I mean come the                                                       “[Finally], someone is trying to stop this
to those who were lacking in righteousness.         and unite, ending all wars.                         [expletive]on, people! Who are you trying to                                                 lunatic from getting hopped up on speed or ice
      The practice was ended after a group of            “We will be stimulating the work force,”       impress? I am a well-respected educatorial                                                   or whatever he was on, and an actual athlete
lower-classed peasants became jealous that the      said the Rev. Kyle Smith. “If people want to        person, and I would never do coke or booze or                                                will get credit for winning the race,” 47 said.
rich people were allowed to sin more. They          sin and not do hard labor, then they will need      smack to win a race. Screw you.”                                                             “By the way, I also heard that Paterno eats
demanded equal right to sin, and eventually         money. The more people working, the better                Many of Paterno’s friends and family                                                   babies and worships Satan.”
this led to the Protestant Reformation.             the global economy. So this is essentially the      have rallied behind him, saying he is a popular
                                                                               Continued on page 2
     Page 2
                                                                          EDITORIAL                                                                                                         Stairway to heaven

                                                       I like eggs
                                                                                                                                                                                         Continued from page 1
                                                                                                                                                                                         answer to all the world’s problems. We think
                                                                                                                                                                                         we deserve a cookie for this one! Catholic
                                                                                                                                                                                         Church wins again! Woo!”
By Joe Smith                                                  on a regular basis are more likely to succeed                   could be further from the truth. Eggs can, and                   Other religious leaders have condemned
                                                              and are far more attractive to the opposite sex.                should, be eaten at every meal at all times. In            the practice claiming that it is unfair. They are
     Let me take this opportunity to illustrate                    Eggs can help you win boxing matches,                      fact, here’s a free culinary tip: try liquefying           looking into filing charges against the church
to our loyal readers just how much I love eggs.               too. Just ask Rocky Balboa. If Apollo Creed                     some eggs in a blender and pour them over                  for wrongful business practices.
The cornerstone of any meal of substance, the                 had chugged some yolk in a dingy Philadelphia                   spaghetti as a substitute for tomato sauce.                      The Catholic Church seems to have
humble egg stands alone atop the pantheon of                  apartment, he probably would have knocked                       Delicious!                                                 the overwhelming support of right winged
foods that are awesome.                                       the Italian Stallion’s head clean off of his                          I could go on for ages about my friend               politicians, who seek to gain nothing.
     Invented in 1604 by French scientist                     shoulders.                                                      the egg, but space constraints won’t allow it. I                 Dick Cheney was especially overjoyed.
Jacques de Puille, this miracle of human                           Why, just this morning I had an enormous                   leave you with this parting word of advice: the            “Man, with all the stuff I’ve done, who would
innovation has been fortifying bodies with                    plate of the scrambled goodness. Being the                      next time someone tries to belittle eggs in front          think you could see me in heaven! [Laughter]
essential vitamins and minerals ever since.                   adventurous fellow I am, I threw in some                        of you, stick up for nature’s beautiful nuggets            Take that, liberals!”
Studies have shown that people who eat eggs                   bacon and the party was on. People may think                    and punch them in the teeth.                                     Indulgences will start being sold in
                                                              that eggs are breakfast exclusive, but nothing                                                                             January 2008, and can be purchased at any
                                                                                                                                                                                         Roman Catholic Church. If you buy $2,000
 The opinions expressed in the editorial directly reflect those of The Communist staff or college. We do not welcome your comments on any matter relating to Delaware County Community   worth, you get an extra $100 of sin on the
 College, and responsible rebuttal is discouraged. You better not write to If you must writeto us, put “letter from a loser” in the subject box.            house, as well as five bingo cards.

                                                           So you want to call out sick
By Ryan McBrearty                                             keeping you from serving Corporate America                      Prepare for the call                                             If you spend the day outside, be sure to
                                                              for the day. With so many options to choose                          Know who you’re calling. Don’t call                   wear sunscreen. “A woman in our engineering
      Monday morning already? Time to slip                    from, which would be most believable?                           your boss directly when you can talk to a                  department called out sick once,” said Hubert.
on your Windsor-knotted noose, hop into that                        According to Jean Hubert, a human                         reliable coworker instead and have him or                  She claimed to have a stomach virus but came
piece of crap you call a car and sit in traffic with          resources secretary for Prime Technologies                      her unknowingly lie for you. A secretary like              in to work the next day with a sunburn. She
all the other undervalued, white-collar cubicle               who handles the daily call-outs, the most                                                                                  was           fired on the spot.
monkeys. At least things are looking up when                  reliable excuses tend to be stomach viruses. The                                                                                               Also, avoid eating at
you actually get to work. Oh no - sorry for the               second your boss hears that you’re excreting                                                                                             restaurants near your office. The

                                                                                                                                                                                                 Courtesy of “Office Space”
optimism - I confused you with someone who                    bile he wants nothing to do with you.                                                                                                    last thing you want is to be seen
doesn’t get corralled into a six-by-six, white                      According to Hubert, other reliable                                                                                                by a boss or coworker, unless
box to have his soul slowly milked from him                   excuses include headaches and colds, although                                                                                            you feel like lying about having
by the evil minions of the Dark Lord himself.                 a cold takes a little extra work to make                                                                                                 a twin or being the recipient of
      “Looks like somebody has a case of                      believable. If you’re desperate, and have little                                                                                         the miraculous healing power of
the Mondays...“ or the Tuesdays or the                        to no self esteem, go with diarrhea; the more                                                                                            Jesus. You won’t just be risking
Wednesdays. Who cares! Work sucks every                       embarrassing the ailment the more believable.                                                                                            your dignity or your credibility;
day.                                                          You must be sick if you’re willing to tell                                                                                               you’ll be risking your livelihood.
      Good thing you’re just one guilt-ridden,                anyone that you’re uncontrollably crapping                                                                                                     When you return to work,
awkward phone call away from some extra                       water.                                                                                                                                   remember to fake some sort of
quality time with your comforter or a day at                        No matter what you choose, make sure it                                                                                            lingering effects of whatever
the beach.                                                    isn’t something that requires a doctor’s note…                      Case of the Mondays? Call out sick.                                  illness you chose. Avoid eating a
                                                              unless of course you have a doctor friend who’s                 Hubert is a perfect patsy. “I don’t care if the            big lunch if you want anyone to believe that
                                                              willing to forge one for you. In that case, don’t               person is actually sick,” she says, “It’s not like         you were throwing up a day earlier. Blow your
Choose an ailment                                             waste your time reading the rest of this; you’re                                                                           nose often and speak with a scratchy voice if
     Decide which kind of fake sickness is                                                                                    I’m the one not getting paid for the day.”
                                                              already a pro.                                                        If you are one of the poor, pathetic souls           you claimed to have the flu.
                                                                                                                              who has to speak to a superior directly, then                    Also, a very effective way of making
                                                                                                                              there are a few things you can do to make                  your sickness convincing after the fact is to
                                                                                                                              yourself more convincing.                                  blame someone else. If a coworker or an intern
                                                                                                                                    First, make sure you call from a quiet               or a janitor was recently out sick, say you got it
                                                                                                                              place. Typically, if you’re out and about, the             from him. This not only makes you believable,
                                                                                                                              solitude of your car is the safest bet. Just make          but is also an effective way of making the
                                                                                                                              sure the engine isn’t running, or your boss will           entire office treat the person like a leper for the
                                                                                                                              either know you’re lying or have a sneaking                next couple days
                                                                                                                              suspicion that you’re homeless.                                  So that’s it. You’re home free. You got a
                                                                                                                                    Next, prepare to make your ailment of                free day in your bed or at the beach and your
                                                                                                                              choice as audibly convincing as possible. If               boss is none the wiser. Go you. Just don’t
                                                                                                                              you decided you have a cold, try shoving a                 complain when you don’t have enough money
                                                                                                                              piece of cotton up your nose to sound groggy.              to pay off the student loan you had to take out
                                                                                                                              To make a stomach flu believable, use your                 to go to college to get the degree to get that
                                                                                                                              forearm to press on your diaphragm while                   piece of crap job in the first place.
                                                                                                                              you speak. You can also sound congested by
                                                                                                                              leaning over until all of the blood rushes to
                                                                                                                              your head. Practice what you’re going to say
                                                                                                                              a couple of times.

                                                                                                                              Make the call
                                                                                                                                   Before you pick up the phone, remember
                                                                                                                              these rules of thumb:                                         The Communitarian is produced by
                                                                                                                                   Less is more: Say as little as possible. The             both current and former students of
                                                                                                                              longer you stay on the phone, the less credible               Fundamentals of Journalism II in
                                                                                                                              you become.                                                   collaboration with Campus Life. Students
                                                                                                                                   Don’t overdue theatrics: Sick noises like                who would like to write for the campus
                                                                                                                              groans and sniffles can be an effective tool                  newspaper and have already completed
                                                                                                                              of deceit, but offer them in moderation. And                  Fundamentals of Journalism I should
                                                                                                                              don’t flush the toilet; it sounds ridiculous on               register for Fundamentals of Journalism II
                                                                                                                                                                                            (ENG 131). Students who have completed
                                                                                                                              the other end of the line.
                                                                                                                                                                                            both classes are welcome to join the senior
                                                                                                                                   Stay sick: Don’t offer to come in later
                                                                                                                                                                                            staff. For more information, see Bonnie
                                                                                                                              in the day if you’re feeling better. Your boss                McMeans in Room 4311, call 610-359-
                                                                                                                              knows your not going to.                                      5271, or send an e-mail to bmcmeans@
                                                                                                                                   Be not afraid: Bosses can smell fear, but       or communitarian@mail.dccc.
                                                                                                                              don’t worry. They’re more scared of you than                  edu.
                                                                                                                              you are of them. No wait, that’s dingoes. Same
                                                                                                                              difference.                                                                                       Joe Smith
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Iron Hand of Judgment
                                                                                                                              Sell it Afterward
                                                                                                                                    Hanging up the phone isn’t the end of this                                                   Lisa Foreman
                                                                                                                              charade. Now you have to take care of all the                                                   Hippie Collaborator
                                                                                                                              post-factum bullcrap. Who thought it would
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Aleksandra Scierska
                                                                                                                              take so much work just to be lazy?
                                                                                                                                                                                                           Master and Commander of
                                                                                                                                    Don’t answer your phone unless you
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Graphic Arts
                                                                                                                              know that the call isn’t work related. If your
                                                                                                                              office shows up on your caller ID, just don’t                                                     Propagandists
                                                                                                                              pick it up. Claim later that you were asleep or                                                    Kelli Connor
                                                                                                                              just too debilitated by sickness to answer it.                                                     EJ Crawford
                                                                                                                              And if you don’t have caller ID then you’re                                                        Matt Eppright
                                                                                                                              probably too ancient to be working anyway, so                                                    Catherine Gledhill
                                                                                                                              just retire and go watch Murder She Wrote.                                                        Ryan McBrearty
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Kenneth Smyth
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Page 3

       Spears vanishes                                                                                                                                      Jesus + sinners = BFF
By Kelli Connor                                     into one of the slot machines.                                                                        By Kenneth Smyth                                                                        Dog Fight-aholics Against Sinners (RDFAS).
                                                          According to witnesses, Spears piped                                                                                                                                                    “The idea is to lure in those tempted by
      The pop music industry has lost one of its    up, yelling, “Stop it, y’all! It’s Britney, b----!”                                                        According to theologians, an increase in                                           illegitimate monetary gain and a desire to
brightest stars.                                    Onlookers attending a nearby party hosted by                                                          the travesties of the wealthy and famous has                                            observe animal fighting,” said a RDFAS
      No. Really. She’s lost.                       Fall Out Boy, took out their cell phones and T-                                                       apparently triggered intense devotion to Jesus                                          spokesperson. “Once we have them hooked, we
      MTV’s annual gala of the most celebrated      Mobile Sidekicks to record the scene, fearing                                                         Christ. From death row inmates to celebrities                                           send in holy members from our organization to
musical artists in the universe, outshining         it really was an “arms race.”                                                                         to the common sinner, Jesus is becoming more                                            guilt trip them into repentence and to accept
even the Grammys, the Video Music Awards                  Police broke up the fight and ordered                                                           appealing to anyone with a guilty conscience                                            Jesus into their life.”
began with a performance from superstar             guests to leave the hotel, but the party continued                                                    in need of repentance.                                                                        Evangelical Christians are skeptical about
Britney Spears. Known                                                             at Angel’s Las                                                               Recently, Jesus was seen trying to win                                             what church officials are calling “the new
                                                                                                                                                          the souls of NFL icons engaging in animal                                               found faith” approach to winning converts.

                                                                                                                   Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
for her music second                                                              Vegas residence.
and her upstanding                                                                      Witnesses told                                                    cruelty. Michael Vick, whose latest indictment                                                But the idea of Christ wallowing in
morals and ethics                                                                 police that Spears,                                                     charges that the young athlete was affiliated                                           sin, waiting for wrong doers, has ignited a
first, Spears opened                                                              still wearing her                                                       with owning, operating and facilitating a K-9                                           controversy among the faithful, according to a
the VMAs wearing a                                                                performance outfit,                                                     combat ring, recalls being visited by several                                           recent opinion poll. “We don’t want our Lord
classy black-sequined                                                             was instructed by                                                       divine entities during a dog fight he oversaw                                           and Savior getting too close to sin,” said one
bra and panties number                                                            Angel to lie on a                                                       a week ago.                                                                             church official. “He needs to stay far and clear
and high boots, making                                                            pool table. After                                                            According to Vick, Jesus and three angels                                          of evil in order to safely lead us from sin. If
even physicists wonder                                                            Angel        walked                                                     were present at the dogfight for the entire                                             Jesus continues down this bold and daring path
how she was able to                                                               around the table                                                        event, which came to a barking halt when Vick                                           to save these poor souls, he just might end up
dance and gyrate with                                                             several       times,                                                    was apprehended by police.                                                              falling victim to temptation.”
heels that high.                                                                  waving his hands,                                                            A Vatican spokesman for the Pope assured

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
                                Spears leaves the party with Criss Angel.
      “If you’re looking                                                        Spears vanished.                                                          the media that Jesus was not gambling and
for trouble, you came to the right place. If              Police are investigating several leads,                                                         that he was merely attending the dog fight on
you’re looking for trouble, just look right at      including surveillance camera footage at the                                                          “business.” But inside sources said one of the
my face,” Spears cooed, showing no signs of         Ivy Restaurant, showing Timberlake and Angel                                                          angels had placed a bet with a local bookie.
lip synching the words of a song performed in       talking candidly in a small booth several days                                                             When questioned about this, Jesus
the same town for the same purpose by Elvis         prior to Spears’ disappearance.                                                                       defended his angel posse and humbly
Presley a mere 39 years ago.                              Angel has told the FBI, E! News,                                                                denied any wrongdoing, saying, “I am
      Following her performance of her new          Us Weekly, and his fans that Spears’                                                                  omnibenevolent; therefore, it is impossible
single, “Gimme More,” several news sources,         disappearance was not a publicity stunt for                                                           that I would intentionally harm anyone or
image agencies, and celebrities of undisputedly     his show. Nevertheless, fans are hoping to see                                                        anything, including animals.”
lesser caliber have told anyone that will listen    the vanishing act on an upcoming episode of                                                                According to Vick’s agent, the athlete and
that Spears then went to ex-boyfriend Justin        Mindfreak.                                                                                            Jesus have teamed up to form the Recovering                                             Jesus adverises on I-95.
Timberlake’s party at the Palm’s Hotel and                Spears’ parents could not be reached for
Casino with rumored boyfriend Criss Angel,
of “Mindfreak” fame.
                                                    comment and her children, Sean Preston and
                                                    Jayden James, don’t seem to miss their mother,
                                                                                                                                                             Greenpeace fights for greenery
      A snarky exchange followed between            Spears’ nanny said.                                                                                   By Catherine Gledhill                                                                   you’re my best friend, plant,” exceed growth
Angel and Timberlake. Calling Angel’s magic                                                                                                                                                                                                       expectations.
mere “parlor tricks,” Timberlake shoved him                                                                                                                     TOKYO: Greenpeace protesters stopped                                                    “All of our plants are treated with

Boot camp spawns bad girls
                                                                                                                                                          traffic Monday, vehemently chanting, “Flower                                            the utmost respect,” a Hibachi Laboratory
                                                                                                                                                          Power!” in front of a government-funded                                                 spokesperson said. “Each is carefully placed
                                                                                                                                                          science laboratory used to experiment on plant                                          in a caring capable home after they leave our
                                                                                                Tracy McNeebles was able to keep                          life. Japanese scientists are allegedly studying                                        facility.”
                                                   Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

                                                                                          her first name, but her last needed to be                       the adverse effects of verbal abuse on young                                                  Reportedly, some of these foster plants
                                                                                          transformed into something more noticeable.                     seedlings.                                                                              have been acting out at home and in the
                                                                                          The final choice: Tracy Trouble (pronounced                           “They don’t see the devastation caused                                            community. In one incident, a rowdy group
                                                                                          True-blay). “I feel so French,” Trouble said.                   by their experiments on these plants,” one                                              of adolescent shrubbery was seen flashing
                                                                                          “J’adore Trouble.”                                              protestor said. “Plants start out with so much                                          their developing buds and fresh foliage to the
                                                                                                With their new hot looks the girls are then               potential to grow. Then scientists poison                                               elderly in an affluent section of Tokyo.
                                                                                          whisked away to the cafeteria to be introduced                  their minds with destructive taunts. They say,                                                In a similar incident, two young plants
                                                                                          to their new diet. The camp does not serve                      ‘You’re a bad plant, you’re a stupid plant, and                                         were recently released, following their
                                                                                          breakfast or dinner, instead concentrating                      you’re ugly.’”                                                                          arrest for selling Miracle Grow, a substance
                                                                                          on one big meal each day. Lunch consists of                           Scientists hypothesize that plants barraged                                       comparable to steroids known for its ability to
                                                                                          four carrot sticks for each girl along with the                 with negative comments stop growing. Those                                              rapidly speed the development of all greenery.
                                                                                          camp’s signature cocktail, a mixture of Red                     that receive praise such as, “You’re a good                                                   Government officials had no comment.
                                                                                          Bull, NyQuil, and orange juice served in a                      plant, a beautiful shiny green plant, and
                                                                                          martini glas. “We want the girls to feel the high
                                                                                          of a cocktail, but we’re not gonna give them a
                                                                                          beer,” Reid said. “God, we have morals!”
                                                                                                Throughout each day the girls attend
                                                                                                                                                           Author James Bradley Visits DCCC
                                                                                          classes to hone their celebrity skills. In the                                                      NEWS RELEASE*
Now your daughter can learn to act like                                                   morning they have their hot-spot information                          Author James Bradley will visit DCCC
her favorite role models.                                                                 sessions in which they are shown slides of                       Oct. 20 as part of Fall for a Book.                                                          The Fall for a Book committee is
                                                                                          the clubs they must be seen at in all of the                                                                                                             also working with the Delaware County
By Matthew Eppright                                                                       major cities. Following this the girls are                             This year’s selection, Flags of Our                                               Department of Veterans Affairs, the
                                                                                          taught boyfriend etiquette. They learn who                       Fathers by James Bradley, tells the story of                                            Pennsylvania Veterans Museum, the
      Sally McNeebles daughter Tracy, 11,                                                 is appropriate to date, who will get you                         the six Marines photographed raising the                                                Delaware County Intermediate Unit, and
looked up at her mother one afternoon and                                                 photographed, and where to find the guys with                    American flag on Mount Suribachi at the                                                 the Delaware County Literacy Council on
said with her bright brown eyes twinkling,                                                the most money.                                                  battle of Iwo Jima, a scene that has become                                             events and materials.
“Mommy, I want to be famous!”                                                                   A big chunk of the day is taken by the                     an enduring image of World War II. Author
      Instead of looking for agents, getting                                              camp’s biggest selling point, D.U.I. practice.                   James Bradley, the son of one of the flag-                                                   For more information, visit www.
headshots, or going on auditions, McNeebles                                               The camp counselors cover each girl’s right                      raisers, also developed an abridged version                                   
knew exactly the first step to take in order to                                           eye, spin them around vigorously, and then                       of the book for young readers called Flags of
make her daughter’s wish come true: Bad Girl
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Photo courtesy of the

                                                                                          put them on bikes. “If I drive into the lake, a                  Our Fathers: Heroes of Iwo Jima. In 2006,
Boot Camp.                                                                                tree or a counselor, I know I’m doing it right,”                 Clint Eastwood directed a film based on the
      The camp was founded just last year by                                              Trouble said.                                                    book, as well as a film from the Japanese
famous Hollywood party girl Tara Reid who                                                       Other classes at the camp include: Purging                 perspective called Letters from Iwo Jima.
knows the trick to being famous in today’s                                                101, Fake ID, Paparazzi Posing, Panties Today:
society is not to be talented but photographed.                                           Yes or No?, and Wardrobe Malfunctions Made                            Author James Bradley will visit the
      “I really wanted to give back to the                                                Easy.                                                            Community College, the Pennsylvania
community,” Reid said. “We are teaching these                                                   The last day at most camps is usually a                    Veterans Museum, and the Aston Community
girls all that they will need to know to make it                                          sad one, but not at Bad Girl Boot camp. The                      Center and Public Library.
in Hollywood. They’ll learn to be infamous,                                               girls walk out on a red carpet where they are
not just famous.”                                                                         photographed by the paparazzi and get the                             Bradley will arrive at the College at
      Immediately after arriving at camp Tracy                                            chance to practice the wardrobe malfunctions                     12:30 p.m. on October 20 to speak at 1 p.m.,
was given her makeover. Her mousy brown                                                   they’ve spent so many hours studying.                            followed by a book-signing. Free tickets for
hair was bleached to perfection, resembling                                                     Since arriving home Trouble is now                         this event can be picked up at the Campus
that of Paris Hilton. She was given sky blue                                              the most photographed girl for her school                        Life Office beginning August 1. For ticket
contacts to cover her depressingly drab brown                                             newspaper. Her mother is ecstatic with the                       information, call 610-359-5341 or email
eyes. As for her attire, her frumpy peasant                                               results and will be sending her back to Bad            
blouse was traded for a hot pink strapless tube                                           Girl Boot Camp next summer.
top, and last year’s flair jeans were upgraded                                                  “I am so proud of her new celebrity skills,”                    As well as the author visits, there will
to a micro-mini denim skirt. Tracy’s white                                                McNeebles said. “After a few more years at                       be many local events in public libraries,                                              Author James Bradley
sneakers were shredded and replaced with 3                                                camp I know she will be in the tabloids, and                     such as book discussions, veterans speaking
-inch stilettos.                                                                          hopefully have her first rehab stay.”                            about their Iwo Jima experiences, and film
      “After each girl receives her makeover,
she is renamed to match her new look,” Reid                                                                                                                                                                                                       *This is real! We promise!
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