Science proves Student gets
country music sucks sweet parking spot
page 6 page 13
Volume 10, No. 1 Controlling Delaware and Chester Counties October 3, 2007
Zombies banned from classes
By Joe Smith
dead, is entitled access to higher education,”
Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Cooper said. “Just because a segment of the
President Jerry Parker announced on
population are rotting bags of flesh does not
Monday that the living dead will no longer
mean that they should be denied the benefits
be eligible to attend classes at any DCCC
of a college education.”
campus. The decision was made following
According to Cooper, DCCC is in
several incidents involving the biting of living
violation of its own mission statement, which
is to “offer educational programs and services
“In the interest of protecting the student
that are accessible…in order to enhance the
body from an increasing number of attacks
development of the community and residents
by flesh-eating zombies, we will no longer
of its service area.”
accept any student who might turn others into
Cooper charged that zombies are residents
a member of the undead,” Parker said during a
of the community and should therefore be
guaranteed the opportunity to enroll.
Although zombies already enrolled at
“We don’t let students bring loaded guns
DCCC will not be forced to drop or transfer
to school and the mouth of a zombie is just
classes, the banning of future enrollments
the same,” Rhodes said. “Those teeth are
signals the end of an integrated campus.
deadly weapons, that exempts zombies from
“This is outrageous,” said Duane Jones,
the rights given to those who don’t go around
spokesperson for the Undead Student Council.
eating people all the time.”
“Not all of us crave human flesh at all times.
Parker said he regrets having to make this
The entire zombie student body is being
decision, but he is adamant that the greater
punished for the mistakes of the few.” “They’re dead; they’re all messed up,” says Joseph Rhodes. good is being served.
According to campus security
Ken Foree, a 20-year-old communications kept from attending. “We empathize with the undead
representative Joseph Rhodes, the problem
major and zombie, was a student who, until ACLU spokesperson Harry Cooper community,” he said, “but this is necessary
was large enough to warrant the actions that
last semester, was alive and breathing. Foree released a statement to the media indicating to ensure that our students will stop being
have been taken. “We had four students bitten
was accosted by a member of the living dead the group’s intention to take the school’s devoured by their peers.”
and turned into zombies just last semester,”
Rhodes said. “Zombies simply cannot keep last June in the parking lot at Southeast Center. new policy to court. “Every person, living or
themselves from eating people.” Foree was bitten during the scuffle, and
Rhodes also said that the issue of subsequently turned into a zombie.
“I didn’t ask to be a zombie, but I
Professor implicated in doping scandal
cleanliness and sanitation played a factor in communications professor who has been
the decision. “Zombies are walking around understand why the school made the decision
they have,” Foree said. “A lot of my peers see nominated for the Gould Award several times.
carrying who knows how many diseases,” His colleagues have their doubts, however.
Rhodes said. “I mean they’re dead, they’re all DCCC as a smorgasbord. I don’t mind. I will
still be able to go to school.” “I was always worried about David’s
Photo Courtesy of David Paterno
messed up.” frequent urge to spat out obscenities at small
But zombies disagree. The ban will not affect Foree, but it does
affect the growing population of the living children and the elderly, but I just chalked it
“Give me a break; we all take showers up as stress,” said communications professor
just like everybody else,” said Jones. “Sure an dead that may wish to attend DCCC. This is
discrimination, according to the ACLU, who Denise Danford. “One thing about David that
ear or finger may fall off from time to time, but has always surprised me was his inability to
we aren’t walking bundles of the plague.” plan to file a lawsuit on behalf of those being
cry when disaster strikes, like the time when
I broke my leg, and he started yelling at me
Buying the stairway to heaven because all he wanted to know was if it would
keep him from watching Ultimate Fighting
By Lisa Foreman The new practice will be modified to Championship that night. Stress affects people
prevent this from happening. If people cannot in different ways, I suppose.”
Due to recent legal problems, the Roman afford to donate enough money, they can make This is not the first time Paterno has been
Catholic Church has decided to reinstate the up for it in hard labor. For example, five hours accused of a crime. According to anonymous
old practice of selling indulgences. of cleaning the church with a toothbrush will sources, in 1987, Paterno volunteered at a
The Church is famous for being one of nullify one lie. At the same time, $100 would retirement home and left suddenly when
the wealthiest in the world. The Vatican itself do the same thing. residents went missing.
is supposedly home to millions of dollars If someone is unable to complete the hard One of the elderly patients, who declined
worth of artwork. labor, he or she can have someone do it for him to give his name, reported feeling uneasy
However, recent molestation charges or her while still getting the credit. You won’t be smiling in jail, druggie. around Paterno, saying, “He would rig the
against members of the holy order have According to Catholic officials, Priests bingo tournaments in his favor. The prize
dramatically cut into the church’s profits. It are the sole people in the world who have By EJ Crawford was always a bowl of pudding or late night
has been forced to pay out millions of dollars the ability to absolve sin. They are in close movie privileges. Whenever someone else
both in settlement and “hush” money. confidence with God, who gives them this DCCC professor David Paterno may shouted “Bingo!” Mr. Paterno would stare at
The number of practicing churchgoers has power. After a parishioner fulfills the needed have to forfeit his winning of the charitable him coldly and then the next night the resident
also been declining , partly due to the scandals. indulgence, the priest removes all sin from Marathon for Diseased Cats after high amounts would be missing.”
People are donating less time and money. them, and they are free to sin again. of PCP, cocaine, and bovine growth hormones Police and marathon officials have stated
“We made $300 trillion this year,” said “I think it’s great,” said Jenny Juyle. “I were found in his blood system Sept. 14 in Paterno will be subjected to further drug testing
Charles Grey, a Vatican official. “That is mean I’m rich. I can buy everything else, and Media, Pa. this week in Media. According to college
simply not enough. We have never had such now finally heaven! How sweet is that!” The marathon was organized to help raise officials, Paterno’s classes will continue as
meager profits.” The Catholic Church believes that selling money to find a cure for dying and diseased scheduled despite the investigation.
According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, indulgences will encourage growth. Since cats. Paterno, a self-proclaimed animal lover, A former student, who prefers to be
indulgences were similar to money during the they will make heaven much more accessible has denied taking illegal drugs to enhance his known only by his code name “47,” said he
1500s. Since priests accumulated so many than other religions, their membership should performance. is relieved that Paterno’s substance abuse was
good deeds that they did not need to get into double. Church officials claim it is the way to “Can I get a break every now and out in the open.
heaven, they could sell their extra indulgences world peace. People will flock to the church then?” he asked a reporter. “I mean come the “[Finally], someone is trying to stop this
to those who were lacking in righteousness. and unite, ending all wars. [expletive]on, people! Who are you trying to lunatic from getting hopped up on speed or ice
The practice was ended after a group of “We will be stimulating the work force,” impress? I am a well-respected educatorial or whatever he was on, and an actual athlete
lower-classed peasants became jealous that the said the Rev. Kyle Smith. “If people want to person, and I would never do coke or booze or will get credit for winning the race,” 47 said.
rich people were allowed to sin more. They sin and not do hard labor, then they will need smack to win a race. Screw you.” “By the way, I also heard that Paterno eats
demanded equal right to sin, and eventually money. The more people working, the better Many of Paterno’s friends and family babies and worships Satan.”
this led to the Protestant Reformation. the global economy. So this is essentially the have rallied behind him, saying he is a popular
Continued on page 2
EDITORIAL Stairway to heaven
I like eggs
Continued from page 1
answer to all the world’s problems. We think
we deserve a cookie for this one! Catholic
Church wins again! Woo!”
By Joe Smith on a regular basis are more likely to succeed could be further from the truth. Eggs can, and Other religious leaders have condemned
and are far more attractive to the opposite sex. should, be eaten at every meal at all times. In the practice claiming that it is unfair. They are
Let me take this opportunity to illustrate Eggs can help you win boxing matches, fact, here’s a free culinary tip: try liquefying looking into filing charges against the church
to our loyal readers just how much I love eggs. too. Just ask Rocky Balboa. If Apollo Creed some eggs in a blender and pour them over for wrongful business practices.
The cornerstone of any meal of substance, the had chugged some yolk in a dingy Philadelphia spaghetti as a substitute for tomato sauce. The Catholic Church seems to have
humble egg stands alone atop the pantheon of apartment, he probably would have knocked Delicious! the overwhelming support of right winged
foods that are awesome. the Italian Stallion’s head clean off of his I could go on for ages about my friend politicians, who seek to gain nothing.
Invented in 1604 by French scientist shoulders. the egg, but space constraints won’t allow it. I Dick Cheney was especially overjoyed.
Jacques de Puille, this miracle of human Why, just this morning I had an enormous leave you with this parting word of advice: the “Man, with all the stuff I’ve done, who would
innovation has been fortifying bodies with plate of the scrambled goodness. Being the next time someone tries to belittle eggs in front think you could see me in heaven! [Laughter]
essential vitamins and minerals ever since. adventurous fellow I am, I threw in some of you, stick up for nature’s beautiful nuggets Take that, liberals!”
Studies have shown that people who eat eggs bacon and the party was on. People may think and punch them in the teeth. Indulgences will start being sold in
that eggs are breakfast exclusive, but nothing January 2008, and can be purchased at any
Roman Catholic Church. If you buy $2,000
The opinions expressed in the editorial directly reflect those of The Communist staff or college. We do not welcome your comments on any matter relating to Delaware County Community worth, you get an extra $100 of sin on the
College, and responsible rebuttal is discouraged. You better not write to email@example.com. If you must writeto us, put “letter from a loser” in the subject box. house, as well as five bingo cards.
So you want to call out sick
By Ryan McBrearty keeping you from serving Corporate America Prepare for the call If you spend the day outside, be sure to
for the day. With so many options to choose Know who you’re calling. Don’t call wear sunscreen. “A woman in our engineering
Monday morning already? Time to slip from, which would be most believable? your boss directly when you can talk to a department called out sick once,” said Hubert.
on your Windsor-knotted noose, hop into that According to Jean Hubert, a human reliable coworker instead and have him or She claimed to have a stomach virus but came
piece of crap you call a car and sit in traffic with resources secretary for Prime Technologies her unknowingly lie for you. A secretary like in to work the next day with a sunburn. She
all the other undervalued, white-collar cubicle who handles the daily call-outs, the most was fired on the spot.
monkeys. At least things are looking up when reliable excuses tend to be stomach viruses. The Also, avoid eating at
you actually get to work. Oh no - sorry for the second your boss hears that you’re excreting restaurants near your office. The
Courtesy of “Office Space”
optimism - I confused you with someone who bile he wants nothing to do with you. last thing you want is to be seen
doesn’t get corralled into a six-by-six, white According to Hubert, other reliable by a boss or coworker, unless
box to have his soul slowly milked from him excuses include headaches and colds, although you feel like lying about having
by the evil minions of the Dark Lord himself. a cold takes a little extra work to make a twin or being the recipient of
“Looks like somebody has a case of believable. If you’re desperate, and have little the miraculous healing power of
the Mondays...“ or the Tuesdays or the to no self esteem, go with diarrhea; the more Jesus. You won’t just be risking
Wednesdays. Who cares! Work sucks every embarrassing the ailment the more believable. your dignity or your credibility;
day. You must be sick if you’re willing to tell you’ll be risking your livelihood.
Good thing you’re just one guilt-ridden, anyone that you’re uncontrollably crapping When you return to work,
awkward phone call away from some extra water. remember to fake some sort of
quality time with your comforter or a day at No matter what you choose, make sure it lingering effects of whatever
the beach. isn’t something that requires a doctor’s note… Case of the Mondays? Call out sick. illness you chose. Avoid eating a
unless of course you have a doctor friend who’s Hubert is a perfect patsy. “I don’t care if the big lunch if you want anyone to believe that
willing to forge one for you. In that case, don’t person is actually sick,” she says, “It’s not like you were throwing up a day earlier. Blow your
Choose an ailment waste your time reading the rest of this; you’re nose often and speak with a scratchy voice if
Decide which kind of fake sickness is I’m the one not getting paid for the day.”
already a pro. If you are one of the poor, pathetic souls you claimed to have the flu.
who has to speak to a superior directly, then Also, a very effective way of making
there are a few things you can do to make your sickness convincing after the fact is to
yourself more convincing. blame someone else. If a coworker or an intern
First, make sure you call from a quiet or a janitor was recently out sick, say you got it
place. Typically, if you’re out and about, the from him. This not only makes you believable,
solitude of your car is the safest bet. Just make but is also an effective way of making the
sure the engine isn’t running, or your boss will entire office treat the person like a leper for the
either know you’re lying or have a sneaking next couple days
suspicion that you’re homeless. So that’s it. You’re home free. You got a
Next, prepare to make your ailment of free day in your bed or at the beach and your
choice as audibly convincing as possible. If boss is none the wiser. Go you. Just don’t
you decided you have a cold, try shoving a complain when you don’t have enough money
piece of cotton up your nose to sound groggy. to pay off the student loan you had to take out
To make a stomach flu believable, use your to go to college to get the degree to get that
forearm to press on your diaphragm while piece of crap job in the first place.
you speak. You can also sound congested by
leaning over until all of the blood rushes to
your head. Practice what you’re going to say
a couple of times.
Make the call
Before you pick up the phone, remember
these rules of thumb: The Communitarian is produced by
Less is more: Say as little as possible. The both current and former students of
longer you stay on the phone, the less credible Fundamentals of Journalism II in
you become. collaboration with Campus Life. Students
Don’t overdue theatrics: Sick noises like who would like to write for the campus
groans and sniffles can be an effective tool newspaper and have already completed
of deceit, but offer them in moderation. And Fundamentals of Journalism I should
don’t flush the toilet; it sounds ridiculous on register for Fundamentals of Journalism II
(ENG 131). Students who have completed
the other end of the line.
both classes are welcome to join the senior
Stay sick: Don’t offer to come in later
staff. For more information, see Bonnie
in the day if you’re feeling better. Your boss McMeans in Room 4311, call 610-359-
knows your not going to. 5271, or send an e-mail to bmcmeans@
Be not afraid: Bosses can smell fear, but dccc.edu or firstname.lastname@example.org.
don’t worry. They’re more scared of you than edu.
you are of them. No wait, that’s dingoes. Same
difference. Joe Smith
Iron Hand of Judgment
Sell it Afterward
Hanging up the phone isn’t the end of this Lisa Foreman
charade. Now you have to take care of all the Hippie Collaborator
post-factum bullcrap. Who thought it would
take so much work just to be lazy?
Master and Commander of
Don’t answer your phone unless you
know that the call isn’t work related. If your
office shows up on your caller ID, just don’t Propagandists
pick it up. Claim later that you were asleep or Kelli Connor
just too debilitated by sickness to answer it. EJ Crawford
And if you don’t have caller ID then you’re Matt Eppright
probably too ancient to be working anyway, so Catherine Gledhill
just retire and go watch Murder She Wrote. Ryan McBrearty
Spears vanishes Jesus + sinners = BFF
By Kelli Connor into one of the slot machines. By Kenneth Smyth Dog Fight-aholics Against Sinners (RDFAS).
According to witnesses, Spears piped “The idea is to lure in those tempted by
The pop music industry has lost one of its up, yelling, “Stop it, y’all! It’s Britney, b----!” According to theologians, an increase in illegitimate monetary gain and a desire to
brightest stars. Onlookers attending a nearby party hosted by the travesties of the wealthy and famous has observe animal fighting,” said a RDFAS
No. Really. She’s lost. Fall Out Boy, took out their cell phones and T- apparently triggered intense devotion to Jesus spokesperson. “Once we have them hooked, we
MTV’s annual gala of the most celebrated Mobile Sidekicks to record the scene, fearing Christ. From death row inmates to celebrities send in holy members from our organization to
musical artists in the universe, outshining it really was an “arms race.” to the common sinner, Jesus is becoming more guilt trip them into repentence and to accept
even the Grammys, the Video Music Awards Police broke up the fight and ordered appealing to anyone with a guilty conscience Jesus into their life.”
began with a performance from superstar guests to leave the hotel, but the party continued in need of repentance. Evangelical Christians are skeptical about
Britney Spears. Known at Angel’s Las Recently, Jesus was seen trying to win what church officials are calling “the new
the souls of NFL icons engaging in animal found faith” approach to winning converts.
Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
for her music second Vegas residence.
and her upstanding Witnesses told cruelty. Michael Vick, whose latest indictment But the idea of Christ wallowing in
morals and ethics police that Spears, charges that the young athlete was affiliated sin, waiting for wrong doers, has ignited a
first, Spears opened still wearing her with owning, operating and facilitating a K-9 controversy among the faithful, according to a
the VMAs wearing a performance outfit, combat ring, recalls being visited by several recent opinion poll. “We don’t want our Lord
classy black-sequined was instructed by divine entities during a dog fight he oversaw and Savior getting too close to sin,” said one
bra and panties number Angel to lie on a a week ago. church official. “He needs to stay far and clear
and high boots, making pool table. After According to Vick, Jesus and three angels of evil in order to safely lead us from sin. If
even physicists wonder Angel walked were present at the dogfight for the entire Jesus continues down this bold and daring path
how she was able to around the table event, which came to a barking halt when Vick to save these poor souls, he just might end up
dance and gyrate with several times, was apprehended by police. falling victim to temptation.”
heels that high. waving his hands, A Vatican spokesman for the Pope assured
Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Spears leaves the party with Criss Angel.
“If you’re looking Spears vanished. the media that Jesus was not gambling and
for trouble, you came to the right place. If Police are investigating several leads, that he was merely attending the dog fight on
you’re looking for trouble, just look right at including surveillance camera footage at the “business.” But inside sources said one of the
my face,” Spears cooed, showing no signs of Ivy Restaurant, showing Timberlake and Angel angels had placed a bet with a local bookie.
lip synching the words of a song performed in talking candidly in a small booth several days When questioned about this, Jesus
the same town for the same purpose by Elvis prior to Spears’ disappearance. defended his angel posse and humbly
Presley a mere 39 years ago. Angel has told the FBI, E! News, denied any wrongdoing, saying, “I am
Following her performance of her new Us Weekly, and his fans that Spears’ omnibenevolent; therefore, it is impossible
single, “Gimme More,” several news sources, disappearance was not a publicity stunt for that I would intentionally harm anyone or
image agencies, and celebrities of undisputedly his show. Nevertheless, fans are hoping to see anything, including animals.”
lesser caliber have told anyone that will listen the vanishing act on an upcoming episode of According to Vick’s agent, the athlete and
that Spears then went to ex-boyfriend Justin Mindfreak. Jesus have teamed up to form the Recovering Jesus adverises on I-95.
Timberlake’s party at the Palm’s Hotel and Spears’ parents could not be reached for
Casino with rumored boyfriend Criss Angel,
of “Mindfreak” fame.
comment and her children, Sean Preston and
Jayden James, don’t seem to miss their mother,
Greenpeace fights for greenery
A snarky exchange followed between Spears’ nanny said. By Catherine Gledhill you’re my best friend, plant,” exceed growth
Angel and Timberlake. Calling Angel’s magic expectations.
mere “parlor tricks,” Timberlake shoved him TOKYO: Greenpeace protesters stopped “All of our plants are treated with
Boot camp spawns bad girls
traffic Monday, vehemently chanting, “Flower the utmost respect,” a Hibachi Laboratory
Power!” in front of a government-funded spokesperson said. “Each is carefully placed
science laboratory used to experiment on plant in a caring capable home after they leave our
Tracy McNeebles was able to keep life. Japanese scientists are allegedly studying facility.”
Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
her first name, but her last needed to be the adverse effects of verbal abuse on young Reportedly, some of these foster plants
transformed into something more noticeable. seedlings. have been acting out at home and in the
The final choice: Tracy Trouble (pronounced “They don’t see the devastation caused community. In one incident, a rowdy group
True-blay). “I feel so French,” Trouble said. by their experiments on these plants,” one of adolescent shrubbery was seen flashing
“J’adore Trouble.” protestor said. “Plants start out with so much their developing buds and fresh foliage to the
With their new hot looks the girls are then potential to grow. Then scientists poison elderly in an affluent section of Tokyo.
whisked away to the cafeteria to be introduced their minds with destructive taunts. They say, In a similar incident, two young plants
to their new diet. The camp does not serve ‘You’re a bad plant, you’re a stupid plant, and were recently released, following their
breakfast or dinner, instead concentrating you’re ugly.’” arrest for selling Miracle Grow, a substance
on one big meal each day. Lunch consists of Scientists hypothesize that plants barraged comparable to steroids known for its ability to
four carrot sticks for each girl along with the with negative comments stop growing. Those rapidly speed the development of all greenery.
camp’s signature cocktail, a mixture of Red that receive praise such as, “You’re a good Government officials had no comment.
Bull, NyQuil, and orange juice served in a plant, a beautiful shiny green plant, and
martini glas. “We want the girls to feel the high
of a cocktail, but we’re not gonna give them a
beer,” Reid said. “God, we have morals!”
Throughout each day the girls attend
Author James Bradley Visits DCCC
classes to hone their celebrity skills. In the NEWS RELEASE*
Now your daughter can learn to act like morning they have their hot-spot information Author James Bradley will visit DCCC
her favorite role models. sessions in which they are shown slides of Oct. 20 as part of Fall for a Book. The Fall for a Book committee is
the clubs they must be seen at in all of the also working with the Delaware County
By Matthew Eppright major cities. Following this the girls are This year’s selection, Flags of Our Department of Veterans Affairs, the
taught boyfriend etiquette. They learn who Fathers by James Bradley, tells the story of Pennsylvania Veterans Museum, the
Sally McNeebles daughter Tracy, 11, is appropriate to date, who will get you the six Marines photographed raising the Delaware County Intermediate Unit, and
looked up at her mother one afternoon and photographed, and where to find the guys with American flag on Mount Suribachi at the the Delaware County Literacy Council on
said with her bright brown eyes twinkling, the most money. battle of Iwo Jima, a scene that has become events and materials.
“Mommy, I want to be famous!” A big chunk of the day is taken by the an enduring image of World War II. Author
Instead of looking for agents, getting camp’s biggest selling point, D.U.I. practice. James Bradley, the son of one of the flag- For more information, visit www.
headshots, or going on auditions, McNeebles The camp counselors cover each girl’s right raisers, also developed an abridged version delcolibraries.org.
knew exactly the first step to take in order to eye, spin them around vigorously, and then of the book for young readers called Flags of
make her daughter’s wish come true: Bad Girl
Photo courtesy of the www.fsu.edu
put them on bikes. “If I drive into the lake, a Our Fathers: Heroes of Iwo Jima. In 2006,
Boot Camp. tree or a counselor, I know I’m doing it right,” Clint Eastwood directed a film based on the
The camp was founded just last year by Trouble said. book, as well as a film from the Japanese
famous Hollywood party girl Tara Reid who Other classes at the camp include: Purging perspective called Letters from Iwo Jima.
knows the trick to being famous in today’s 101, Fake ID, Paparazzi Posing, Panties Today:
society is not to be talented but photographed. Yes or No?, and Wardrobe Malfunctions Made Author James Bradley will visit the
“I really wanted to give back to the Easy. Community College, the Pennsylvania
community,” Reid said. “We are teaching these The last day at most camps is usually a Veterans Museum, and the Aston Community
girls all that they will need to know to make it sad one, but not at Bad Girl Boot camp. The Center and Public Library.
in Hollywood. They’ll learn to be infamous, girls walk out on a red carpet where they are
not just famous.” photographed by the paparazzi and get the Bradley will arrive at the College at
Immediately after arriving at camp Tracy chance to practice the wardrobe malfunctions 12:30 p.m. on October 20 to speak at 1 p.m.,
was given her makeover. Her mousy brown they’ve spent so many hours studying. followed by a book-signing. Free tickets for
hair was bleached to perfection, resembling Since arriving home Trouble is now this event can be picked up at the Campus
that of Paris Hilton. She was given sky blue the most photographed girl for her school Life Office beginning August 1. For ticket
contacts to cover her depressingly drab brown newspaper. Her mother is ecstatic with the information, call 610-359-5341 or email
eyes. As for her attire, her frumpy peasant results and will be sending her back to Bad email@example.com.
blouse was traded for a hot pink strapless tube Girl Boot Camp next summer.
top, and last year’s flair jeans were upgraded “I am so proud of her new celebrity skills,” As well as the author visits, there will
to a micro-mini denim skirt. Tracy’s white McNeebles said. “After a few more years at be many local events in public libraries, Author James Bradley
sneakers were shredded and replaced with 3 camp I know she will be in the tabloids, and such as book discussions, veterans speaking
-inch stilettos. hopefully have her first rehab stay.” about their Iwo Jima experiences, and film
“After each girl receives her makeover,
she is renamed to match her new look,” Reid *This is real! We promise!