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					                         Peter Panto

Voice over: Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls tonight we
present to you Peter Panto. However before the pantomime
begins we‟d just like to inform you that due to the recession
many beloved pantomime characters have been axed from their
jobs. However we at Peter Panto don‟t like to see any
Pantomime characters on the streets. So your hosts for tonight
all the way from Aladdin and Cinderella. Put your hands
together for Buttons and Wishy Washy.

(Buttons and Wishy Washy enter in front of curtains. Buttons
enters from stage left and Wishy Washy enters from stage
right. They meet in the middle of the stage.)

Buttons: (To audience.) Hello their boys and girls! This
person to my right (Points to Wishy Washy) Is Wishy Washy.

Wishy Washy: And this person to my right…

(Wishy Washy points to his right where no one is.)

Buttons: Left.

Wishy Washy: (To Buttons.)I‟m sorry?

Buttons: I‟m on your left.

Wishy Washy: Why did I do something wrong?

Buttons: Yes. You said and pointed right.

Wishy Washy: If I did it right why are you complaining?

Buttons: No I didn‟t mean right as in correct. I mean right as
in left and right.

Wishy Washy: (Confused) I‟m confused.

Buttons: Never mind. I‟m Buttons. So now that you know who‟s
who. When we say hello everybody we want to hear you respond
in your biggest and loudest voices „Hello Buttons and Wishy
Washy.‟ Okay? So are you ready?

Buttons & Wishy Washy: Hello everybody

(Audience respond.)

Buttons: (To Wishy Washy) Did you hear anything?

Wishy Washy: Yes.

Buttons: What? No you‟re meant to say no to encourage them to
shout louder.




                                                                 1
Wishy Washy: Oh I see. (Lying) Actually I couldn‟t hear
anything

Buttons: I agree. (To audience) You‟re going to have to do
better than that we said...

Buttons and Wishy Washy: Hello everybody

(Audience response.)

Buttons: That‟s better. Now…

Wishy Washy: Oh sorry could I just go there‟s something I
really need to do.

Buttons: Well can it not wait? We‟re on stage.

Wishy Washy: Not really.

Buttons: Fine. You go then, I‟ll carry on.

Wishy Washy: Thanks.

(Wishy Washy exits stage right.)

Buttons: So are you all excited to see the show we have for
you tonight?

(Audience respond.)

Buttons: You‟re going to have to do better than that if you
want to see the show. I said are you all excited to see the
show we have for you tonight?

(Audience respond.)

Buttons: Excellent. However before we start the show we would
like to remind you to make sure that your mobile phones are
turned off during the production as…

(Buttons notices that Wishy Washy has walked re entered from
stage right holding a massive mobile phone to his ear.)

Buttons: (To Wishy Washy) What are you doing?

Wishy Washy: (To Buttons) Sorry I‟ll be with you in one
minute, I‟ve just got to finish this call, if that‟s alright?

Buttons: Actually it‟s not alright.   I‟m standing here trying
to explain to the audience why they   shouldn‟t have their
mobiles on during our pantomime and   you come on stage holding
a mobile undermining everything I‟m   saying. So could you
please turn it off?

Wishy Washy: But it‟s Wendy, and I..



                                                                  2
Buttons: Wendy! Agh. Turn. It. Off!

(Wishy Washy tries to switch it off)

Wishy Washy: It won‟t turn off!

Buttons: What do you mean it won‟t turn off?

Wishy Washy: It just won‟t turn off. How do you usually turn
off a mobile?

Buttons: The same way everyone else turns their mobiles off,
by hitting buttons.

(Wishy Washy whacks Buttons round the head with the mobile.
Buttons gets up shocked rubbing his head.)

Buttons: What did you do that for?

Wishy Washy: You told me to turn off a mobile I should hit
buttons. So I hit you.

Buttons: No I didn‟t mean as in me Buttons. I mean as in
buttons on the phone. Just give it here.

(Buttons starts pressing buttons on the mobile.)

Buttons: Oh no you‟re right. It won‟t turn off! Why won‟t it
turn off? I‟ll just see what the tech guys can do. Can you do
this bit?

(Buttons leaves)

Wishy Washy: Oh right, yes, setting the scene

(Wishy Washy looks behind him at the lack of set.)

Wishy Washy: Not that there is much set to the scene. Right.
It‟s the night before Christmas in the Darling‟s house. In
which lived George Darling and his wife Mary Darling along
with their three children. Michael, John and of course Wendy.
(Daydreams about Wendy.) Buttons is right you know. I do go on
about Wendy a lot. But that‟s only because I love her. And
I‟ve decided I‟m going to ask her out the next time I see her.
I mean what‟s not to love about her? She‟s so kind.

Wendy: (Off stage.) Get here you!

Wishy Washy: Gentle.

Wendy: (Off stage.) Ha ha. Now you‟re going to die.

Wishy Washy: And mature beyond her years.

(Wendy enters in a homemade Peter Pan costume.)



                                                                 3
Wendy: Pretending to be Peter Pan is so much fun. (Sees Wishy
Washy.) Wishy Washy!

Wishy Washy: Wendy!

Wendy: What ever are you doing here?

Wishy Washy: Well you see Wendy there‟s something I want to
ask you.

Wendy: Sure.

Wishy Washy: Would you…like to go out?

Wendy: (Shocked. Starts to let him down gently) Oh my! Oh
Wishy Washy you see it‟s not that I don‟t like you but…

Wishy Washy: To the shops and buy me a Christmas present.

Wendy: Huh?

Wishy Washy: Would you like to out to the shops and buy me a
Christmas present? It‟s just Christmas is tomorrow and I think
you should get me a present.

Wendy: Well actually Buttons I‟ve already got you one.

(Wendy holds up a Christmas present wrapped up.)

Wendy: Look.

(Wishy Washy takes Christmas present off her.)

Wishy Washy: (Not meaning it.) Oh thanks.

Wendy: Be careful with it though Wishy. (To audience. Secretly
without Wishy Washy hearing) I got him a cat.

(Wishy Washy walks to stage right with his head down in
sorrow. As he gets to edge of stage Buttons enters from stage
right to meet him.)

Buttons: Did you ask her out then?

Wishy Washy: No.

Buttons: Oh well. What do you think your present is?

Wishy Washy: Don‟t know; don‟t care. It‟s not Wendy. (Hands
Buttons the present.) Here just dump it in the wheelie bin
outside for me, will you.

Buttons: Are you sure?

Wishy Washy: Yep.



                                                                 4
(Wishy Washy and Buttons exit stage right.)

Mr Darling/John/Michael:(Off stage.) Wendy!

(John enters from stage left.)

John: Wendy have you seen my 2000 word essay. I placed it on
my desk this morning and now it has gone.

(Wendy takes origami hat off her head. Which she has made out
of a John‟s essay. She hands it him.)

John: Are you being serious?
Wendy: Sorry I needed it to make a Peter Pan hat.

John: Are you mad woman? Why didn‟t you use any of the other
paper we have in the house?

Wendy: I couldn‟t find any.

John: You are unbelievable.

(John walks exits stage left. Michael enters stage right he is
wearing a baby grow.)

Michael: Oy! Wendy!

Wendy: (Baby voice.) Oh hello Michael and how are you today?

Michael: Spare me the niceties. Where‟s my favourite bib? I
know you‟ve had it.

Wendy: Oh sorry. Here it is.

(Wendy pulls out and hands Michael a big white bib with a
treasure map drawn on it.)

Michael: What‟s this?

Wendy: Your bib silly.

Michael: Really? That‟s funny because the last I remember my
bib was white.

Wendy: Oh that‟s because I was playing Peter Pan so I had
drawn a treasure map on it.

Michael: Yes I can see that? Was there something wrong with
all the paper in our house?

Wendy: I couldn‟t find any.

Michael: (Sarcastic) Fantastic. Well the next time you have
homework to do and you can‟t find any paper feel free to use
the content of my wardrobe.



                                                                 5
Wendy: Thanks

Michael: I was being sarcastic. You baby.

(Michael takes his bib, puts a Dummy in and walks off.)

Mr Darling: (Off stage.) Wendy!

Wendy: Yes Father.

(Mr Darling enters from stage left holding his dinner jacket)

Mr Darling: Could you please explain Wendy why I‟ve found my
best dinner jacket thrown on the floor?

Wendy: Certainly. Because I needed to use the coat hanger your
dinner jacket was hanging on for Captain Hook‟s hook when I
was playing Peter Pan.

Mr Darling: Not this Peter Pan nonsense again!

Wendy: It‟s not nonsense Daddy, it real.

Mr Darling: Don‟t be ridiculous. Peter Pan isn‟t real.
Now go and brush my jacket down, as I need for my works
Christmas party tonight.

Wendy: Am I still looking after John and Michael while you‟re
out tonight?

Mr Darling: Don‟t be absurd! How on earth can I trust you too
babysit when you still believe in Peter Pan. Nana will be
babysitting tonight. (Calling.) Nana!

(The family‟s Nan enters from stage left. She is an elderly
lady with a walking stick.)

Nan: Sorry dear didn‟t quite catch that. Did you say that I‟d
be looking after the children tonight.

Mr Darling: No! I didn‟t mean you, you old crow. I said Nana
not Nan. Now get back in your cupboard.

(Mr Darling drags Nan off stage, to stage left wing. He then
re enters.)

Nan:(Off stage.) Oh please let me look after the children.

Mr Darling: For the last time no! Your moustache gives them
nightmares. Now where‟s Nana?

Wendy: I can‟t believe you‟re trusting Nana over me.

Mr Darling: Why wouldn‟t I?

Wendy: Well for one Nana is a…


                                                                 6
SFX – ‘Who let the dogs out’ by Baha men – Sound effect –
Starts playing.

(Nana the dog enters from centre stage.)

Wendy: …Dog.

Mr Darling: Yes but not just any dog. Nana is a very good dog.
Look. (To Nana.) Nana roll over.

(Nana does a summer salt.)

Mr Darling: Nana beg.

(Option 1. Nana brings on a guitar case opens it up takes out
guitar and starts paying the guitar, while the guitar case is
still open. Mr Darling throws money into the guitar case.
Option 2. – Nana takes out a big issue magazine and goes to
each audience member trying to sell it.)

Mr Darling: Nana play dead.

(Nana takes out a toy gun hands it Mr Darling. Mr Darling
fires it at Nana. A cloth saying bang comes out the gun. Nana
over dramatically pretends to have been shot and drops to the
floor dying.)

Mr Darling: You see Nana will do anything I ask of her.

(Mr Darling kneels down next to Nana who is still lying on her
back from faking her death. He starts tickling her on the
belly.)

Mr Darling: (While tickling Nana. Talks to her like a baby.)
Won‟t you Nana? Oh yes you will. Oh yes you will.

(Mr Darling realises he has got carried away with tickling
Nana and that Wendy is just staring at them. Mr Darling and
Nana stand up.)

Mr Darling: Wendy did I not tell you to go and brush my jacket
down?

Wendy: But…

Mr Darling: No buts get going.

(Wendy exits stage right with jacket.)

Mr Darling:(To Nana.) Now Nana…

Nan:(Off stage.) Yes Dear?

Mr Darling: No not you I…(To audience.) Maybe it would be
easier just to re name the dog. Hmm, how about Lucky?


                                                                 7
(Nana holds up a sign saying „so obvious‟)

Mr Darling: Um... Frou frou?

(Nana holds up a sign saying „you‟ve got to be kidding?‟)

Mr Darling: Fine! You tell me.

(Nana holds up a sign saying „Snoop Dog‟)

Mr Darling: Really? ... ok.

Mr Darling: Perfect. Now…

Mrs Darling: (Off stage.) George!

Mr Darling: Oh no. (To audience.) Here comes my wife.

(Mrs Darling enters from stage right. She is the Dame of the
show.)

Mrs Darling: Ah there you are George. (Notices audience.) Oh
hello there. George why didn‟t you say we had guests?

Mr Darling: I…

Mrs Darling: Quiet George. (To audience.) Now back then when I
just entered not one of you wolf whistled at me. I find this
rather rude. As it is very clear I am a beautiful lady who
deserves to be wolf whistled at. So this is what‟s going to
happen. I‟m going to walk off stage and when I walk back on I
expect you all to wolf whistle at me as loudly as you possibly
can. Got it? Good.

(Mrs Darling exits stage right. She then re-enters from stage
right. When she does and the audience start wolf whistling she
acts like she didn‟t expect it and starts acting embarrassed
by it.)

Mrs Darling: (To audience.) You shouldn‟t have. (To Mr
Darling.) Now George are you ready to go?

Mr Darling: See that‟s the thing Mary. I was thinking maybe I
should just go by myself tonight.

Mrs Darling: Why on earth would you think such a thing? It‟s
your works Christmas ball everyone will be taking their wives.

Mr Darling: Yes I know. It‟s just…

Mrs Darling: Just what George?

Mr Darling: Well it‟s like this. Some women get taken out and
some women get take out. And you‟re the latter.



                                                                 8
Mrs Darling: What! How dare you. I am not the sort of woman
who sits at home eating…

(Pizza boy enters from stage left holding a Pizza box.)

Pizza boy: Pizza.

Mrs Darling:(To Pizza boy.) Not now!

(Pizza boy exits.)

Mrs Darling: Don‟t look at me like that George. I‟m coming
whether you like it or not. Besides you owe me after what you
did on Valentines Day.

Mr Darling: Oh could you stop going on about Valentines day?
It wasn‟t even that bad.

Mrs Darling: Wasn‟t that bad?! Are you being serious?(To
audience.) Do you want to know what he did boys and girls?

(Audience response.)

Mrs Darling: Last valentine‟s day George asked me what I
wanted and I told him not to spend that much on me, that all I
want is what any woman would want on valentine‟s day. Roses.

Mr Darling: Yes and why are you complaining? I got you roses.

Mrs Darling: Yes but I didn‟t mean a bloody tin of roses!

(Mrs Darling pulls out a chocolate roses tin.)

Mr Darling: Fine. You can come. (Calling.) Children!

(Wendy, John and Michael enter from all different sides of the
stage.)

Mr Darling: Me and your mother are going out now. So I expect
you all to be on your best behaviour for Snoop Dog

Wendy/John/Michael: What?

Mr Darling: Oh did I forget to tell you we‟ve renamed the dog.
Now Wendy do you have my dinner jacket?

Wendy: Yes nice and clean again Daddy.

(Wendy passes the dinner jacket to Mr Darling.)

Mr Darling: Thank you.

(Mr Darling puts it on to discover it is dramatically too
small for him.)

Mr Darling: What on earth have you done to this?


                                                                 9
Wendy: Nothing I just cleaned it.

Mr Darling: How did you clean it?

Wendy: The normal way people clean clothes, in the washing
machine of course.

(During the next speech, Nana starts chasing her tail with
glee)

Mr Darling: Why would you do that? I said brush it not wash
it. You‟ve shrunk it you foolish girl. If it wasn‟t
embarrassing enough that I‟m bringing my wife with all the
elegance of a hippo, I am now turning up in clothes to small
for me. When are you going to grow up Wendy and stop always
going on about Peter Pan and instead learn some
responsibility! Goodbye children.

(Mr and Mrs Darling exit stage left.)

Wendy: Why would I want grow up? Everyone I know who‟s grown
up is miserable. I just want to live in Neverland and stay
young forever. If only Peter Pan would come and visit me again
and take me away from here. (Day Dreaming.) If only he‟d visit
me again.

Song – ‘Three Degrees’ – ‘When will I see you again’ – Starts
playing.

(Dog goes and taps Wendy on the shoulder. She turns round to
see the dog holding a sign that reads “Bed Time”. Wendy reads
it and then heads off stage. Then the dog shows the sign to
John and he also heads off stage to bed. The dog then shows
the sign to Michael. Michael heads off to bed.)

(Lights on stage go off. Peter Pan enters stage he is sneaking
around trying not to disturb anyone.)

Peter: I know you‟re in here. Come out, come out where ever
you are. Ha ha. Got you.

(We hear Peter making noises as he has a fight with something
on stage. Wendy turns the lights on. The stage lights go up.
Peter is fighting with a tree in a plant pot in the middle of
the stage. While Wendy, John and Michael are all looking at
him in shock. They are standing to the far side of stage left
with the dog in front of them. The dog is in a dressing gown
and is holding a baseball bat at Peter. Peter realises he is
fighting a tree and drops it. He then notices the dog, Wendy,
John and Michael in the corner.)

Peter: (Awkward) Oh hello there.

John: Who are you and what in all that is holy are you doing
in our house?


                                                                10
Peter: Oh come on. You know who I am. It‟s me! The one, the
only Pe....

Wendy/John/Michael: Robin Hood!

Peter: What! No! I‟m Peter Pan. (To audience) This is why I
hate visiting Nottingham.

Wendy: Oh my goodness Peter Pan! How could I have made such a
foolish mistake? Of course it‟s you. (To dog) It‟s alright you
can put the bat down.

(The dog doesn‟t listen to Wendy and starts marching towards
Peter holding the shotgun pointed at him. As the dog walks
towards Peter, Peter starts walking slowly backwards scared.)

Peter: Can you not call your dog off?

Michael: I don‟t think she understands. She‟s a guard dog. In
all fairness she is very good at her job.

Peter: Yes I can see that.

(Peter then thinks of something. He takes a squeaky toy out of
his pocket. He squeaks it in the dog‟s eye line. The dog
instantly becomes mesmerised by it and lowers his gun. Peter
then throws it off stage and the dog chases it off.)

Peter Pan: That‟s better.

Wendy: Oh Peter.

(Wendy runs towards Peter and hugs him.)

Wendy: I said you were real but no one believed me. What are
you doing here?

Peter: Well you   see the other day when I was flying past your
house I lost my   shadow in here, so I‟ve come back to get it.
But I can‟t see   it anywhere. (To audience) Have you seen my
shadow boys and   girls? Call out if you know where my shadow
is.

(Peter‟s shadow appears on the cloth behind him and waves to
the audience.)

(Audience response.)

Peter: Where is it?

(Audience response.)

Peter: It‟s behind me? Don‟t be ridiculous if my shadow was
behind me I wouldn‟t need to reattach it would I? Honestly
just tell me where my shadow is. Where is it boys and girls?


                                                                  11
(Audience response.)

Peter: Oh no it isn‟t

(Audience response.)

Wendy: No Peter it really is behind you.

Peter: Really?

Wendy: Yes.

Peter: Right then, everyone be very quiet. If I‟m going to
catch my shadow I‟m going to need to use the element of
surprise. I‟m going to turn around and grab it after three.
One...Two....

(The Shadow exits)

Peter: Three!

(Peter jumps round to find there‟s no Shadow. And turns back
round to the audience. As he does the Shadow walks back on
with a big ghetto blaster over its shoulder puts it on the
floor pulls the ariel out. Takes out a controller to the
ghetto blaster, points it at the ghetto blaster and presses
play.)

Song – ‘Michael Jackson’ – ‘Billy Jean’ – Starts playing.

(Shadow starts doing iconic Michael Jackson dance moves. Then
the song switches.)

Song – ‘Village People’ – ‘YMCA’ – Starts playing.

(The shadow does the iconic YMCA dance. Then the music
switches.)

Song – ‘Los del Río’ - ‘Macarena’ – Starts playing.

Peter:(While shadows doing all of the above. To audience.) You
liars! You said it was behind me and it wasn‟t. And you should
never lie because....Is that music?(To Wendy) Wendy are you
playing music?

(Wendy shakes her head to indicate no.)

Peter:(To Michael and John) What about you two? Are you
playing music?

(Michael and John also shake their heads indicating no.)

Peter:(To Michael and John) So if you two aren‟t playing
music. (To Wendy) And you‟re not playing music. Then who is?



                                                                12
(Wendy, Michael and John all turn behind them to see the
shadow dancing.)

Wendy:(To Peter.) It‟s your shadow.

Peter: What?

Michael: Are you deaf. It‟s your shadow that‟s playing the
music.

Peter: Really?

John: Yes

Peter: In that case then if I were to turn round right now
(Peter turns around) I‟ll be looking… (Realises he is looking
at his shadow) Right at him. (To shadow) There you are. I‟ve
been looking all over for you.

(Shadow presses the stop button on his Ghetto Blaster
controller and Shadow runs off and exits stage left.)

Peter: Oh no I‟m not letting you get away this time.

(Peter runs off into stage left, after his shadow)

Peter:(Off stage.) Right get here you. Now you‟re going to...
What are you doing? No stop that‟s the...(Clashing pots and
pans) Kitchen. Now you need to stop come back here.

(Shadow runs on stage. The shadow is a man covered completely
in black. He has a Ghetto Blaster Remote control in his hand.
He points it as his Ghetto Blaster, which is still as a shadow
on the cloth.)

Song – ‘MC Hammer’ – ‘Can’t touch this’ – Starts playing.

(The shadow starts break dancing.)

Peter:(Off stage) There you are.

(Shadow quickly presses a button on his remote control to
switch the song.)

Song – ‘Yakety Sax’ – Starts playing.

(Shadow runs off stage left. Peter runs on stage right.)

Peter:(To audience) He really is a naughty shadow. (To Wendy,
John and Michael.) Come on guys help me catch him.

(Peter runs off stage left after his shadow, Wendy, John and
Michael follow after him. Scooby Do style chase. With Peter
finally catching his shadow and dragging it off stage.)




                                                                13
Peter:(Off stage) Ha ha I‟ve got you now. Wendy can you sew? I
need someone to sew my shadow back onto me.

Wendy: No I can‟t sew although I know someone who can.
(Calling) Nan could you sew Peter‟s shadow back onto him
please.

Nan:(Off stage) Certainly dear.

(Nan enters)

Nan: Now where is this young chap?

(Wendy points off stage)

Wendy: He‟s over there.

Nan: Rightio.

Peter:(Off stage. Struggling.) Could you hurry please I don‟t
think I can hold him down much longer.

(Nan walks off stage to where Peter is.)

Nan:(Off stage.) Here I am dear don‟t worry. How would you
like me to stitch him to you?

Peter:(Off stage.) What do you mean?

Nan:(Off stage.) Well their‟s different types of stitching. I
could use the cross stitch or the running stitch...

Peter:(Off stage.) I don‟t mind just stitch him to me already.

Nan:(Off stage.) Well you need to choose I don‟t want to go
and stitch him to you and then you don‟t like it.

Peter:(Off stage.) Fine. Cross stitch him to me. Now do it
already.

Nan:(Off stage.) The cross stitch it is. Now hold still.

(Peter screams out in pain)

Nan:(Off stage.) Sorry about that my vision isn‟t what it used
to be. (Pause) There we go, your shadow is reattached as good
as new.

(Peter enters again next to the cloth and his shadow follows
him perfectly.)

Peter: It‟s perfect.

(Peter turns to face the audience. As he does his shadow jumps
out of place and does a dance move to show he‟s not actually
attached.)


                                                                14
Peter: Right I‟ll be going now.

Wendy: Really so soon. You‟ve only just got here. Can‟t you
stay a bit longer? I haven‟t seen you in so long.

Peter: Not really. Every second I‟m on earth it ages me a bit
more and I want to stay young forever.

Wendy:(Disappointed.) Oh I see.

Peter: Although you could always come back with me to
Neverland.

Wendy/John/Michael: Neverland!

John: Blimey. Are you being serious old boy?

Peter: Absolutely. In Neverland no one ages.

Wendy: Oh wow. Let‟s go right now.

Peter: Alright. But first you all need a sprinkle of magic
dust to make you fly and it just so happens I bought some with
me. Courtesy of Tinkerbell.

(Peter takes out a bag of magic dust and sprinkles it over
John, Michael and Wendy.)

Peter: There we go. Now where heading to the first star on the
right and straight on until the morning.

(Nan enters.)

Nan: Wait a minute poppet. Did you say no one ages in
Neverland?

Peter: That‟s right.

Nan: Would it be too much bother if I came with you. I promise
I won‟t be a nuisance. It‟s just I‟m so old. My backs killing
me; My leg aches. I don‟t really want to age anymore.

Peter: Well…

Nan: PLEASE! I did reattach your shadow for you, so you do
sort of owe me.

Peter: Fine. But I can‟t really take you looking like that.

Nan: You‟re right I‟ll iron my best frock.

Peter: It‟s more a case of ironing your face. Here, sprinkle
some of this age dust on to your skin.

Nan: Whoopeee


                                                                15
(Nana runs off excited)

Wendy: And how is one meant to fly without the aid of an
aeroplane

Peter: It‟s very simple. All you‟ve got to do it reach for the
stars.

Michael: That sounds suspiciously like a cheesy intro into a
song to me Peter.

Peter: You‟re damn right it is.

Song – ‘S Club 7’ - ‘Reach for the stars’ – Starts playing.

(While this song is playing they are flying to Neverland at
one point during the song they see the Snowman and the little
boy flying. The song walking in the air plays over S Club 7
song for a few seconds and then the snowman and little boy fly
off stage.)

John: Wait a minute. We forgot Nan.

Peter: Oh yeah.

(All cast pause realising they forgot Nan.)

Michael: Does anyone really care?

(All cast on stage start admitting they don‟t and exit.)

                           Scene 3

(Buttons and Wish Washy enter from opposite sides.)

Buttons/Wishy Washy:(To audience.) Hello everybody!

(Audience response.)

Buttons: Well that was rubbish! We said…

Buttons/Wishy Washy: Hello everybody!

(Audience response.)

Buttons: Much better. Now me and Wishy Washy are very excited
to tell you, you‟ve all arrived at Neverland. A place where
only children live and never age, so luckily due to you all
being young…

Wishy Washy:(Points to someone in the audience.) He‟s not.

Buttons:(To Wishy Washy.) I‟m sorry?




                                                                16
Wishy Washy:(To Buttons.) He‟s not young look at him. (Points
to another member of the audience.) And the same goes for him
as well.

Buttons: Would you stop! Now please apologise before it gets
anymore awkward.

Wishy Washy:(To people he pointed at.) I‟m sorry. (Pause) That
you‟re old.

Buttons: Wishy Washy! (To audience.) Now before we let you see
Neverland we must warn you that the first scene takes place at
the evil Captain Hook‟s hide out with all his horrible
pirates. So when Captain Hook enters I want you all to „Boo‟
him as loud as possible.

Wishy Washy:(To Buttons.) That‟s really clever.

Buttons:(To Wishy Washy.) Really?

Wishy Washy: Yes. It‟s really clever. Why do you not think it
is?

Buttons: Not really. Shouting boo when the bad guy walks on in
a pantomime is just a sort of a tradition. Nothing that
clever.

Wishy Washy: Well I think it is, because if everyone in the
audience goes (Say‟s Boo like he was scaring someone.) Boo.
Then they‟ll probably scare him instead.

Buttons: No you‟ve misunderstood. When I asked the audience to
Boo. I didn‟t mean like (As if he was scaring someone.) Boo. I
meant like (Pantomime booing) Booo.

Wishy Washy: Oh. Well that‟s not very clever.

Buttons: I know that‟s what I said. Anyway let‟s practise the
booing shall we. (To audience.) So after three I want you all
to boo as loudly as you possibly can. One…Two…Three…

(Audience response.)

(Wishy Washy breaks down into tears. He puts his head in his
hands.)

Buttons:(To Wishy Washy.) Wishy Washy? Are you crying?

Wishy Washy:(Clearly crying.) No.

Buttons: Yes you are. Why are you crying?

Wishy Washy: Because everyone just started booing at me.

Buttons: Booing at you? You are silly Wishy Washy. They
weren‟t booing at you. We told them to practise their booing


                                                                17
now so they knew what to do when Captain Hook came on.
Remember? Now, Would you like a tissue Wishy Washy?

Wishy Washy: Yes please.

(Buttons takes a tissue out of his pocket and gives it Wishy
Washy. Wishy Washy takes it and violently blows his nose on
it. He then hands it back to Buttons.)

Wishy Washy: Thank you.

(Buttons takes the tissue back from Wishy Washy‟s hand‟s
looking disgusted at the tissue.)

Buttons:(Focused on the dirty tissue.) You‟re welcome.

Sound effect. Dun dun duh

Buttons:(To audience.) Oh no it‟s Captain Hook. (To Wishy
Washy.) Let‟s get out of here.

(Buttons and Wishy Washy exit. Captain Hook enters. Audience
response. Captain Hook is followed by his pirates. Two pirates
help guide a person on stage who can‟t see as they have a long
silk cloth draped over their whole body. They stand the person
next to Captain Hook.)

Captain Hook:(To audience.) Oh shut up! Yes it‟s me Captain
Hook. But I‟m not evil, it‟s Peter Pan that‟s the evil one. Do
you believe me?

(Audience response.)

Captain Hook: It was worth a shot. Okay so I am evil. I‟m so
evil in fact I‟ve taken something that Peter really likes.
Would you like to know what it is?

(Audience response.)

Captain Hook: I‟ll show you.

(Hook rips silk cloth of the thing next to him to reveal it is
Tiger Lily.)

Captain Hook: Tiger Lily!

(Captain Hook laughs. Tiger Lily throughout most of Act 1 just
looks bored and couldn‟t really care less that she‟s
captured.)

Tiger Lily:(To audience.) Hi.

(Tiger Lily begins filling her nails.)

Captain Hook: Ha ha. Look at her, scared stiff off me.



                                                               18
Tiger Lily:(To Captain Hook.) No I‟m not. You don‟t scare me.

Captain Hook:(To Tiger Lily.) I don‟t scare you?

Tiger Lily: Did I stutter? You don‟t scare me.

Captain Hook: So this doesn‟t scare you?

(Captain Hook reveals what should be his hook. However it is
actually a fork head instead of a hook.)

Tiger Lily:(Confused.) Should I be scared of a fork?

Captain Hook: What? (Looks at hand.) Oh damn. I forgot to
change it after dinner. (Calling.) Smee!

(Smee runs in.)

Smee:(Scared.) Yes Captain! What Captain? Please don‟t hurt me
Captain!

Captain Hook:(To Smee.) It would appear Smee I forgot to
change my hand after dinner. Please change it for me.

Smee: Certainly Captain.

(Smee gets out a bag that reads “Bag of hands”.)

Smee: Which hand will you be wanting Captain? Hand shake?

(Smee pulls out of the bag a plastic hand which is in the
shape of a hand that you could shake. He puts it back in the
bag.)

Smee: Churchill?

(Smee pulls out a plastic hand which is making the peace sign.
He puts it back in the bag.)

Smee: Alone time?

(Smee goes to pulls out another hand. Hook stops him quickly)

Captain Hook:(Angry.) Smee just give me my Hook hand already!

(Smee takes the hook out of the bag. He unscrews the fork head
and puts it in the bag and screws in the hook.)

Smee: Is there anything else I can do for you captain?

Captain Hook: Yes, go and practise you‟re R‟s

Smee: Why what‟s wrong with my R‟s.

Captain Hook: They just don‟t sound piratey enough Smee. I
want them to sound like this (Pirate like.) Arrrrrrr!


                                                                19
Smee: That‟s exactly how mine sound. Listen. (Like you‟ve seen
something cute.) Awwww.

Captain Hook: No. (Pirate like.) Arrrrr!

Smee: That‟s what I did (Like you‟ve seen something cute.)
Awwww.

Captain Hook: Just go practice them Smee before I give you
something to Ar about.

Smee:(Confused.) How do you mean?

(Hook kicks Smee really hard in the leg. Smee starts jumping
on one leg holding the other leg in pain while screaming out
„Ar‟ in pain. Smee exits.)

Captain Hook:(Calling to Smee.) That‟s more like it Smee! (To
Tiger Lily.) Now where were we? Oh yes. You see Tiger Lily
it‟s nothing personal me capturing you it‟s…

Tiger Lily: I know it‟s nothing personal. You‟ve just captured
me to get to Peter. Am I right?

Captain Hook: Well yes. How do you know?

Tiger Lily: Because you do this EVERY WEEK! You‟re so
unoriginal and to be honest I‟m getting pretty sick of it now.

Captain Hook: As am I. And I‟ll stop doing this as soon as
Peter gives back what he took from me. Unless of course you
want to tell me where it is?

Tiger Lily: You do realise that you don‟t intimidate me.

Captain Hook:(Genuinely shocked.) Really? That‟s not good. Do
you know what I think the problem is, I don‟t have a pet.
Because it‟s a fact you know that all good villains have a
pet. It‟s not like I haven‟t tried. I once had a white cat.
But then I stroked it with the wrong hand.

Tiger Lily: Why didn‟t you get a parrot?

Captain Hook: A parrot?

Tiger Lily: Yes. That‟s what most evil pirates have. A parrot
that perches on their shoulder.

Captain Hook: Really? (Calling.) Smee get me a parrot that can
perch on my shoulder.

Smee:(Off stage.) Mouth, mouth Captain.




                                                                20
Captain Hook:(To Smee.) No it‟s eye, eye Captain. You fool
Smee! (To Tiger Lily.) So now that I‟m getting an evil pet for
my shoulder are you feeling more intimidated by me?

Tiger Lily: No.

Captain Hook: Oh really? Well maybe an introduction to the
hardest pirates on this ship will change your mind? (Calling.)
Pirate Smiley! Pirate Eric!

(Two pirates enter. Pirate Eric has two scars on his face that
both start at the edges of his lips and curl up to his
cheeks.)

Tiger Lily:(To Pirate Eric.) Well I can see why they call you
Smiley.

Captain Hook: What? That isn‟t Pirate Smiley. That‟s Pirate
Smiley (Points to Pirate Smiley who does a big grin.) This is
Pirate Eric. You don‟t really think I‟d name someone after a
physical impediment do you? How evil do you think I am? That
just isn‟t PC. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now Tell me
where Peter has hidden what he took from me.

Tiger Lily: No.

Captain Hook: Very well. Pirate Smiley; Pirate Eric. (Say the
line like they‟re going to hurt her.) Show her what you‟ve
got.

(Eric and Smiley reach to their sides like they are going to
take out swords from their sword sheaf‟s. Tiger Lily doesn‟t
look bothered. Only instead of swords Eric pulls out an
envelope while at the same time Pirate Smiley pulls out a
letter.)

Tiger Lily: What are they?

Eric: Envelope.

Smiley: Letter.

Tiger Lily: Yes I can see that. But why are you holding them?

Captain Hook:(To Tiger Lily.) You see Tiger Lily, Pirate Eric
here has written an addressed envelope to Peter Pan‟s hide
out. While Pirate Smiley has used his skills of cutting and
sticking to make this beautiful hostage letter, to put inside
the envelope.

(Smiley shows hostage letter to audience. It‟s made up of
letters cut out from newspapers and magazines. Captain Hook
takes it from him.)




                                                                21
Captain Hook: It reads. (Reads letter aloud.) “Got Tiger Lily.
Meet me at Mermaid Bay. Bring me what I want, or else. Love
Hook.”

Smiley:(To Captain Hook. Sounding really pleased with
himself.) To make the capital L in Lily, I just used a number
seven upside down.

Captain Hook:(To Pirate Smiley. Sounding genuinely amazed.)
Really? Well you‟ve excelled yourself today Pirate Smiley.
(Talks to him like he‟s a baby.) I think someone deserves a
pat on the head.

(Captain Hook goes to pat Smiley on the head. However he goes
to pat him with his Hook hand. Smiley moves out the way in
time.)

Captain Hook: What‟s wrong. (Realises what hand he was going
to pat him with.) Oh I see. I‟m always making that mistake
aren‟t I boys?

(All Pirates in the scene „Ar‟ in agreement while taking off
their pirate hats to reveal their heads are bandaged
underneath.)

Captain Hook: Sorry about that Smiley. Let me give you the pat
with my good hand.

(Captain Hook pats Smiley on the head with his hand. Smiley
looks really happy.)

Eric:(Trying to suck up to Captain Hook.) I used a fountain
pen when addressing the envelope.

Captain Hook:(Talks to him like he‟s a baby.) Is someone
looking for a pat on the head?

Eric:(Embarrassed.) Maybe.

Captain Hook: Well get ready because here it comes.

(Captain Hook pats Eric on his head. Eric looks so happy.)

Captain Hook: I‟m very pleased with you two boys. You can have
the rest of the day off. After you hand this letter to Peter.

(Captain Hook puts the hostage letter in the envelope and
hands it too Eric. Both Eric and Smiley run off like two
little school boys really excited shouting “Yay”.)

Captain Hook:(Daydreaming about Smiley and Eric.) Such good
boys. (Snaps out of daydream.) Why have you got that confused
expression on your face?

Tiger Lily: You told me they were the hardest pirates on the
ship.


                                                                22
Captain Hook: Yes. The hardest to beat at writing hostage
letters. Right, I‟ve things to do. (Calling.) Smee take her
away.

(Smee enters to drag Tiger Lily off stage. However Smee looks
intimidated by her.)

Tiger Lily: Really? Do you really think you‟re going to drag
me away? I‟ll walk off by myself.

(Tiger Lily walks off stage.)

Captain Hook: Now Smee have you go me my parrot yet?

Smee:(Panicking.) Sorry Captain. I‟ve got it you Captain.
Please don‟t beat me Captain.

Captain Hook: So where‟s my parrot Smee?

Smee: Here.

(Smee rushes off stage and rushes back on with Miserable extra
in a parrot outfit. Miserable Extra is always depressed,
grumpy and out of character as he is not happy with his part.
He never says his lines with any enthusiasm or how their meant
to be delivered.)

Smee: Ta da!

Miserable Extra:(Parrot noise.) I am a parrot.

Captain Hook: Smee I asked for a parrot that I could perch on
my shoulder. This parrot is too big.

Smee: No it‟s not. It could fit on your shoulder look.

(Smee walks over to Miserable Extra and attempts to grab him
to move him over to Captain Hook but Miserable Extra won‟t
move.)

Miserable Extra:(To Smee.) Sorry I can‟t be bothered to do a
visual gag.

(Smee and Hook come out of character and look shocked.)

Captain Hook: I guess there‟s only one thing to do with this
parrot.

Smee: What‟s that Captain?

Captain Hook: Cook it.

(There is a pause on stage as they wait for Miserable Extra to
say his line. Miserable Extra realises it‟s his line their
waiting for.)


                                                                23
Miserable Extra: Oh no you can‟t eat me!

Captain Hook: Why on earth not?

Miserable Extra: I‟d repeat on you.

(Miserable extra walks off.)

Captain Hook:(To audience.) He really isn‟t getting job
satisfaction. Right men, to Mermaid Bay.

(All cast exit stage.)


                               Scene

(Tinkerbell enters from stage left skipping and whistling.
She‟s lovely and ditsy. She notices the audience.)

Tinkerbell:(To audience.) Oh hello. Sorry I didn‟t see you
there. Let me introduce myself I‟m Tinkerbell but my friends
call me Tinker. (She giggles.) Are you all having a good time?

(Audience response.)

Tinkerbell: I can‟t hear you. I said are you all having a good
time?

(Peter Pan enters behind Tinkerbell with his back to the
audience. He needs to have his hat completely covering his
hair.)

Tinkerbell: Now have any of you seen my friend Peter Pan? I‟ve
been looking all over for him.

(Audience response.)

Tinkerbell: Behind me? Really? That‟s not Peter Pan. That‟s
Robin Hood.

(Robin Hood turns round. As he does he drops an arrow on the
stage floor.)

Robin Hood: Sorry did someone say something?

Tinkerbell:(To Robin.) I was just explaining to this lovely
audience that you‟re not Peter Pan.

Robin Hood:(To Tinkerbell.) Oh I see. (To audience.) That‟s
right boys and girls I‟m not Peter Pan I‟m Robin Hood. However
I can see why I might be mistaken as Peter Pan. I did warn
Peter this might happen when he stole his design for his
outfit off me.




                                                               24
Tinkerbell: That‟s a lie. My Peter would never steal his
outfit design off another person. You stole your design off
him.

Robin Hood: Oh no I didn‟t

Tinkerbell: Oh yes you did.

Robin Hood: Oh no I didn‟t.

Tinkerbell: Oh yes you…Do you know what we could do this all
day. Just stop wasting my stage time and go.

(Robin Hood exits. Peter Pan rushes in.)

Peter Pan:(To Tinkerbell.) Tinker there you are.

Tinkerbell:(To Peter. Flirting) Peter! I‟ve been looking
everywhere for you.

Peter Pan: I‟ve got a surprise for you

Tinkerbell: Really Peter?

Peter Pan: Yes. Let me just go and fetch it.

(Peter exits.)

Tinkerbell: Oh my goodness what could it possibly be. (To
audience.) He‟s so good to me; he‟s always doing romantic
stuff like this.

(Tinkerbell closes her eyes and puts both her hands out
waiting for the gift. Peter enters with Wendy.)

Peter: Okay. Open your eyes.

(Tinkerbell opens her eyes to see Wendy smiling right in front
of her. Tinkerbell‟s smile drops and for the rest of the play
she turns sarcastic and rude.)

Tinkerbell:(To Peter.) What the hell is this?

Peter: This is Wendy.

Wendy:(To Tinkerbell.) It‟s very nice to meet you Tinkerbell.

Peter:(To Wendy.) Wendy her friends call her Tinker.

Wendy: Oh sorry. It‟s very nice to meet you Tinker.

Tinkerbell: You mean Tinkerbell. (To Peter.) Is this my
surprise Peter?

Peter:(To Tinkerbell.) Yes. Isn‟t it great?



                                                                25
Tinkerbell: I‟d rather have a refund. She could have at least
got changed out of her nightie.

Wendy: Well I‟ve got my clothes on underneath. I always do
just in case Peter Pan ever returned and took me to Neverland.

(Wendy pulls nighty off to reveal she‟s wearing normal daytime
clothes.)

Peter Pan:(To Wendy.) You really wore clothes under you‟re
nighty every night just in case I returned. That‟s so sweet.

Tinkerbell:(To audience.) That‟s so trampy.

Peter Pan:(To Tinkerbell.) Tinkerbell! Oh I know what‟s wrong
with you. (Talks to her like she‟s a child.) Is someone
getting a bit grumpy because we haven‟t yet thanked her for
the magic dust she gave us?

Wendy:(To Tinkerbell.) Oh yes. Of course I completely forgot.
Thank you Tinker.

Tinkerbell:(To Wendy.) Bell. Tinkerbell. Remember that.

Wendy: Actually before I forget I have some of your magic dust
left over.

(As Wendy takes out the bag of magic dust Tinkerbell looks in
horror and covers her mouth and nose with her hand.)

Tinkerbell:(Panicking.) Seal the bag! Seal the bag!

Wendy: Oh my goodness. Have I done something wrong?

(Peter takes the bag of magic dust off Wendy and seals it shut
for her.)

Peter:(To Wendy.) Sorry I forgot to tell you Wendy. Tinker‟s
allergic to magic dust. So all the magic dust bags Tinker has
are sealed.

Wendy: Oh I see. (Giggles.)

Tinkerbell:(To Wendy.) Is something funny?

Wendy:(To Tinkerbell.) I just think it‟s rather amusing that
you‟re allergic to magic dust when magic dust is what you‟re
well known for.

Tinkerbell: Oh I see. You find the fact that I have a medical
condition hilarious. You should go to a hospital am sure
you‟ll wet your self-laughing there.

Peter:(To Tinkerbell.) Tinker. I don‟t think Wendy meant to be
mean I…



                                                                26
Tinkerbell: Whatever. (Bad acting.) Oh my goodness! Look over
there.

(Tinkerbell points out into the audience. Peter and Wendy
look.)

Peter: What is it?

(While Peter and Wendy are looking out into the audience
Tinkerbell rams the arrow Robin Hood dropped into Wendy‟s
bottom. Wendy screams out in pain. Peter turns round and
sees.)

Peter: Oh no Wendy! Did you see who did this Tinker?

Tinkerbell: Yes I did.

Peter: Tell me. Who was it?

Tinkerbell: It was Robin Hood and he went that way.

(Tinkerbell points in the direction of where Robin Hood
exited.)

Peter: Right I‟ll deal with this.

(Peter Pan marches off stage in the direction Tinkerbell
pointed. He looks like he‟s going to beat someone up.)

Robin Hood:(Off stage. Merrily.) Hello there…What are you
doing?…Owwww….Please stop…Leave me alone.

(Robin Hood runs across stage crying. He is wearing only his
shoes, love heart boxer shorts and a white vest. Peter Pan re-
enters with Robin Hood‟s costume on a coat hanger.)

Peter:(To audience.) It‟s always good to have spares. (To
Wendy.) We should probably get going now Wendy and see if your
brothers have found the lost boys yet. Are you coming Tinker?

Tinkerbell: No. Do I look like your slave who just follows you
everywhere?

Peter: Suit yourself. Come on then Wendy.

(Peter and Wendy exit.)

Tinkerbell: Wait for me Peter.

(Tinkerbell runs off stage after them.)

                          Shadow Scene 1.

(These sections take place as silhouettes on the cloth. The
cloth lights up. Peter‟s shadow walks across the cloth from
stage left playing with a yoyo whistling. Then from stage


                                                                27
right Wendy‟s shadow walks across the cloth. They meet in the
middle. Wendy‟s shadow holds up a sign that you are able to
read as a silhouette that reads: “Hi I‟m Wendy‟s shadow.” Then
Peter‟s shadow holds up the same sort of sign that reads: “I‟m
Peter‟s shadow”. Peter and Wendy‟s shadow put their signs
down. Peter‟s shadow then pulls out a single flower and gives
it to Wendy‟s shadow. Then Wendy‟s shadow kisses Peter‟s
shadow. They then hold hands and walk off.)

                            Scene

(Six dwarfs walk on singing “High ho”. Only dwarf not there is
Dopey. They all have beards. )

Peter:(Off stage.) Trust me Wendy. You‟re going to love
meeting the lost boys.

(The six dwarfs quickly all run off stage. Peter, Wendy, John
and Michael enter.)

Peter: Now they should be around here somewhere.

(The six dwarfs enter. Only this time their singing “Where
following the leader” and have got rid of their beards and
have toilet paper on their faces where they have cut
themselves shaving.)

Peter: Ah there you guys are. Do you guys really still sing
that song?

Sleepy:(Half asleep.) Why what‟s wrong with it.

Peter: It‟s just you sing it a lot. Surely you know another
song.

Bashful:(Embarrassed.) We do know another song but I don‟t
think we should sing it. You might not like it.

Grumpy:(Angry.) Don‟t listen to that buffoon. We‟ll sing the
song.

Song – ‘Alexandra Burke’ – ‘Bad Boys’ – Starts playing.

(The dwarfs sing bad boys but only change the words to lost
boys. During the song they each give away their personality
traits. Eg. Sneezy sneezes.)

Michael: Wait a minute. You lot aren‟t the lost boys.

(All dwarfs start quickly saying stuff nervously like “Yes we
are”.)

Michael: No you‟re not. You‟re the seven dwarfs.

Doc: Don‟t be ridiculous we‟re not the seven dwarfs. For a
start there‟s only six of us.


                                                                28
Michael: Oh come on. I could even name all of you. (Points to
Sneezy.) Sneezy. (Points to Happy.) Happy. (Points to Grumpy.)
Grumpy…

Doc: Fine we admit it. We are the seven dwarfs, which does
mean we are adults. But please don‟t kick us out of Neverland
Peter we have nowhere else to go.

Wendy: I thought you had a house in the forest.

Doc: We did. But then that prince came along and kissed Snow
White. After that he whisked her away back to our house and
changed the locks.

Wendy: That‟s so cruel.

Happy:(Happy always has such a big grin he literally talks
through his teeth.) It really is.

Grumpy:(To Happy.) Then why are you smiling about it.

Happy: I can‟t help it.

Wendy: How come there are only six of you?

Grumpy:(Sarcastic.) What are you? Peter‟s friend? Or a
detective?

Wendy: Sorry.

Doc: Oh ignore him he‟s always like that. To answer your
question, you know how Snow White always used animals to help
her clean the dishes? Well what we didn‟t know is she was
having squirrels lick the dishes clean. Anyway to cut a long
storey short, Dopey got rabies and died.

Wendy: Are you being serious?

(Sneezy sneezes.)

Sneezy: Sorry I have allergies.

Tinkerbell: Why don‟t you talk to Wendy about them? She finds
other people‟s illness‟ hilarious.

Peter: Tinker!

(Pirate Eric and Smiley enter.)

Peter:(To Smiley and Eric.) Oh hello there can I help you?

(Smiley throws the letter on. Smiley and Eric leave. Peter
picks up the letter and opens it.)




                                                                29
Peter: What‟s this? (Reading letter.)“Got Tiger Lily. Meet me
at Mermaid Bay. Bring me what I want, or else. Love Hook.”
(Stops reading letter.) Oh no. We‟ve got to save her. We need
to get to mermaid bay as quick as possible. Let‟s go guys.

(All cast exit.)

                        Shadow scene 2

(Cloth lights up. Peter and Wendy‟s shadow‟s are sat down at a
table having a romantic dinner. Peter‟s shadow then takes out
a bottle of champagne. He shakes it and releases the cork. The
cork goes flying up out of the bottle. Then the cork comes
flying down from above and lands in the middle of the stage as
a real cork not a silhouette. Peter‟s shadow then pours the
champagne into his and Wendy‟s glasses. Peter‟s shadow then
sits back down at the table. Then Wendy and Peter‟s shadow
both tap their glasses together and then drink the champagne
from them. Then Peter‟s shadow gets down on one knee and pulls
out a box, which he opens to reveal an engagement ring.
Wendy‟s shadow nods indicating yes. Peter‟s shadow puts the
ring on Wendy‟s shadow‟s finger. Peter‟s shadow then stands up
and hugs Wendy‟s shadow. They then walk off hand in hand.)

                            Scene

(John enters.)

John:(To audience.) Oh hello there. How are you all?

(Audience response.)

John: Spiffing. Now it would appear I‟ve lost my friends
somehow. You don‟t know where they are do you? (Pause. John
waits for audience response.) You don‟t? Really? No
(Impression of audience) „There behind you‟? Right. Well
that‟s a kick in the teeth.

(Mermaid 1 enters behind John.)

John: Anyway I best…Oh! What ever is that repulsive smell of
fish? It‟s not you lot is it? Well is it?

(Audience response.)

John: Well you would say that.

Mermaid 1:(Seductive.) I‟m afraid that smell is probably
coming from me.

John: Oh. Well I do think dear lady you really need to wash
as…

Mermaid 1: I‟m a Mermaid.

(John turns behind him to see she is a Mermaid.)


                                                                30
John:(Awkward) Ah. I do beg you‟re pardon. Of course you‟d
smell of fish…You‟re half fish…ha ha.

Mermaid 1: I am indeed half a fish. Tell me do you like fish?

John: I suppose I do. I am partial to bit of cod now and
again. That is if it‟s been dipped in breadcrumbs and cooked
for half an hour on gas mark six. Not to mention being served
with a nice tar tar sauce.

(Mermaid 1 has stopped looking seductive and is confused at
what has just come out of John‟s mouth.)

Mermaid 1:(Confused.) You really need to work on your chat up
lines.

(Mermaid 2 enters)

Mermaid 2: Yes you really do. That was terrible.

John: I‟m sorry what?

(Mermaid 3 enters.)

Mermaid 3: She was flirting with you. Duh!

John:(Realising.) Oh. (Walks towards Mermaid 1 now seducing
her.) Well in that case…

(Wendy runs in. Followed by Michael and Tinkerbell.)

Wendy:(To Mermaid 1.) What the hell do you think you‟re doing?
Get away from him!

Mermaid 1:(To Wendy. Bitchy.) I‟m sorry who are you?

Wendy: I‟m his older sister. Who are you?

Mermaid 3: Mermaids. Duh!

Wendy: Well just stay away from John. He‟s only 12.

John: And three quarters.

Mermaid 1: You‟re 12!

John: And three quarters. Everyone always forgets the three
quarters!

Mermaid 3: No one cares about the three quarters duh.

John: Is that all you can say “Duh”?

Mermaid 3: No (Pause.) Duh.
(Peter enters.)


                                                                31
Peter: Ah Wendy there you are.

(Mermaids turn their attention to Peter as they fancy him.)

Mermaid 2: Peter!

Mermaid 3: Peter what brings you here?

Peter: Not good news I‟m afraid. It would appear Captain Hook
has captured Tiger Lily.

Mermaid 1: Excellent. We didn‟t like her anyway did we girls.

(All other mermaids agree. Either nodding or saying yes.)

Peter: What! How can you say that? Tiger Lily is my friend.

Mermaid 1: Of course she is Peter. That is of course until you
get bored of her.(To Wendy.) It‟s true you know. I used to
always be the one Hook captured to get to Peter, but then
Peter found something better.

Peter: That‟s not true.

Mermaid 1: And who have you bought with you tonight. (Hinting
towards Wendy.) You‟ve already found Tiger Lily‟s replacement.
(To Wendy.) Take my advice sweetie. Leave before he draws you
in with his gorgeous eyes and then before you know it he‟ll
have replaced you and all you‟ll be able to do is chase him
around like good old Tinkerbell here.

Tinkerbell: Shut up.

Mermaid 1: Oh I‟m scared. You see Wendy Tinkerbell‟s always
been jealous of us mermaids and our lovely scales.

Tinkerbell: Ha! You must be the only girls who like scales.

Mermaid 1: I‟m sorry what was that Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell: You heard me. Now either get out my sight or I‟ll
make a Tuna sandwich out the lot of you.

Mermaid 1: Let‟s go girls.

(Mermaids exit. Captain Hook appears behind Peter and the
gang.)

Peter: So this is Mermaid Bay... now where‟s Hook?

(Captain Hook and Smee enter. Sound effect „Dun Dun Dun‟)

Captain Hook: Ha Ha! So Peter, finally we... (Hook notices his
boot) WAIT. Smee! A scuff! Polish my boots.



                                                                32
Smee: Your boots. Where are they? I thought you only had one
pair and they‟re on your feet.

Captain Hook: I mean the ones on my feet.

Smee: Well should I wait until later on to polish them
Captain?

Captain Hook: Why would you do that? No time like the present
Smee.

Smee: But there‟s people around.

Captain Hook: I know and I wouldn‟t want them to think I have
dirty boots. So polish them already!

Smee: Right Captain.

(Smee runs off stage. He re enters with polishing equipment he
gets down on his hands and knees and starts polishing Captain
Hooks boots while the scene continues.)

Captain Hook: Now Peter…

Peter: Where‟s Tiger Lily!

Captain Hook: If you want to see Tiger Lily again alive and
well, give me back what you took from me.

Peter: Never!

Captain Hook: Very well. (Calling.) Smee bring me Tiger Lily.

Smee:(Nervous about correcting him.) Erm…I‟m down here
Captain.

(Captain Hook looks down at Smee.)

Captain Hook: Oh yes. (Pause.) Smee?

Smee: Yes Captain.

Captain Hook: Why are you still here when you know I want you
to fetch me Tiger Lily?

Smee: Sorry Captain wont be a minute just want to finish the
polish on your boots.

Captain Hook:(Pause.) Smee?

Smee: Yes Captain?

Captain Hook: If you don‟t go and fetch Tiger Lily right now I
will shove my nicely polished boot up your big fat ar…




                                                                33
(Pirate Eric and Pirate Smiley enter Arring. This over cuts
the end of Hook‟s sentence. They are both holding either side
of Tiger Lily and bringing her on.)

Peter: Lily!

Tiger Lily: All right calm down Peter. It‟s not like we
haven‟t been here before.

Captain Hook: Eric, Smiley? What are you two doing here? I
gave you the rest of the day off?

Eric: We know.

Smiley: But we heard you needed someone to bring on Tiger Lily
on and we didn‟t want to let you down.

Captain Hook: Such good boys. Smee you should take a leaf out
of their book. Right Peter!    I‟m only going to give you one
more chance Peter. Give me what I want. Or I slice her throat
with my hook.

Peter: I can‟t. I just can‟t.

Captain Hook: Are you sure though Peter. I mean there are
young children in the audience.

Peter: I can‟t.

Captain Hook: Fine.

(Dramatic pause. Everyone except pirates and Tiger Lily looks
away.)

Captain Hook: Seriously one last chance. Do you really want me
to do this? I‟m pretty sure half the audience will leave.

Tiger Lily: Just do it already! I just want it over and done
with.

Captain Hook: Very well.

(Dramatic pause. Everyone except Pirates and Tiger Lily looks
away. Pirates start chanting “Hook her”. Then the miserable
extra enters dressed as a prostitute.)

Miserable Extra:(To audience.) Did someone call for a H… Do
you know what I‟m not going to say it. There are children in
the audience. Young, innocent little children, sitting there
with their whole lives ahead of them, blissfully unaware of
what a cruel and twisted world awaits them. A world that‟s so
unjust that after SEVEN years of being a committed member of a
youth theatre you get the role as an extra. Well you know what
I‟m not going to take this anymore. That‟s right I‟m going to
leave. I‟m going to leave with my head held high. You see I
may not have a big part but I still have my dignity.


                                                                34
(Miserable extra turns round to exit this reveals he‟s got a
fake plastic bum on. He exits.)

Captain Hook: He really needs to be fired. Now Peter before I
finally do kill Tiger Lily. Do you have any words to say to
her? The girl that you‟ve sentenced to death.

Peter: Just one. Catch!

(Peter throws something to Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily catches it
opens it and throws it over Hook‟s hook. Captain Hook‟s hook
goes flying up off his arm.)

Peter: Run!

(Tiger Lily runs away from Hook and stands behind the rest of
Peter‟s gang.)

Peter: Your fight‟s with me Hook.

(Peter and Hook have sword fight. Hook injures Peter.)

Captain Hook: Quickly men. Capture his friends and bring them
with us.

(Pirates take Wendy, John, Michael and Tinkerbell. They leave
behind Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily runs over to Peter‟s side.)

Tiger Lily:(Caring.) Oh my goodness Peter. Are you alright?

Peter:(Dying voice.) Where‟s Wendy.

Tiger Lily: Captain Hook took her along with John, Michael and
Tinkerbell. (No longer caring.) Wait a minute he captured them
and not me.

Peter:(Dying voice.) That‟s a good thing one last person I
have to save. Now I need your help Lily I‟ve been cut rather
bad…

Tiger Lily:(Jealous.) Yes I can see it‟s one less person for
you to rescue, but that‟s not the point. The fact is he didn‟t
see me as important enough to capture.

Peter:(Dying voice.) I‟m sure…

Tiger Lily:(Lying to herself.) Oh I see what‟s happened here.
He probably thinks he has captured me and hasn‟t realised yet.
Well I‟d better go after him and let him capture me. Not that
I want to be captured. It‟s just it‟s what he meant to do and
it wouldn‟t be fair of me if I didn‟t go.

Peter:(Dying voice.) Lily I need you.




                                                                35
Tiger Lily: Sorry Peter I can‟t help you. Captain Hook‟s
captured me I‟m afraid.

(Tiger Lily exits.)

                            Scene

(Sound effect. Ambulance sirens. Button‟s enters in a white
doctor‟s coat.)

Buttons: (To audience.) Alright no one panic, everyone stay
calm.

(Wishy Washy runs in manically and panicking. He is also
wearing a white doctors coat.)

Wishy Washy: (Panicking) Peter‟s dead! Peter‟s dead.

Buttons: Wishy Washy! Would you stop saying that?   Peter isn‟t
dead.

Wishy Washy: He isn‟t? So he‟s going to live?

Buttons: Yes. But only if you concentrate.

Wishy Washy: Understood.

Buttons: Right. Now go and get the operating table and put
Peter on it.

(Wishy Washy exits. He then re enters with an operating table.
Wishy Washy and Buttons lift Peter onto the table by grabbing
him by his arms and legs. They then put a white blanket over
his body, just leaving his head visible)

Button: So first things first, let me take a look at the
wound.

(Both Buttons and Wishy Washy go and stand behind the
operating table. They squat down and lift the sheet up on the
right side of Peter‟s body. They look under the sheet and then
look back over the top.

Buttons: Well I don‟t think the wound looks that bad.

Wishy Washy: Yes it does. It‟s really deep. Not to mention
there‟s blood everywhere.

Buttons: Yes I know that.

Wishy Washy: Why didn‟t you say so then?

Buttons: Because unlike you I used my brain and realised there
are children in the audience. You fool.

Wishy Washy: Ow! I don‟t even know what I did wrong.


                                                              36
(They both drop the blanket back down over Peter‟s body so we
can now see them both again.)

Buttons: Never mind. Here just check his heart.

(Buttons passes Wishy Washy a stethoscope. Wishy Washy puts
the stethoscope round his neck and instead of using that to
check Peter‟s heart he simply lifts up the blanket and we see
him put his hand under the blanket. At this point Wishy
Washy‟s facial expressions should give the impression that he
is rummaging through the inside of Peter‟s body)

Wishy Washy: His heart seems fine to me.

Buttons: Where are your hands Wishy Washy... What are you
doing?

Wishy Washy: Checking Peter‟s heart.

Buttons: With a stethoscope!! Not your... agh! Give me
strength! Would you just take your hands out of there?

Wishy Washy: Alright, alright. Keep your hair on.

Buttons: Now lets just stitch his wound up.

Wishy Washy: Okay!

(Wishy Washy rushes over to back behind the operating table
holding a small first aid box. Wishy Washy throws the blanket
over his head so he is covered. He starts stitching. A few
seconds later he comes back out from under the blanket.)

Wishy Washy: Done.

Buttons: Excellent. Let me just take a look.

(Buttons goes behind the operating table and lifts the blanket
up over his head.)

Buttons: What on earth have you done? All I asked you to do
was simply stitch him up.

Wishy Washy: Stitch? Oh I thought you said knit.

Buttons: Well yes. I can see that.

(Buttons pulls out from under the blanket a very long scarf.)

Buttons: Oh for goodness sake Wishy Washy! I‟ll have to do it.
Pass me the first aid kit.

(Wishy Washy hands Buttons the first aid kit.)

Buttons: And some gloves.


                                                                37
(Wishy Washy puts his hands back under the blanket and pulls
out some knitted mittens.)

Buttons: Medical gloves!

(Wishy Washy passes him a pair of clear plastic gloves.
Buttons throws the blanket back over his head and stitches
Peter up. He then puts the blanket back down onto Peter‟s
body. Peter‟s heart monitor starts beebing indicating he‟s
dying.)

Buttons: Oh no.

Wishy Washy: What does that noise mean?

Buttons: It means Peter‟s heart has stopped. Where going to
have to shock him back to life. Go and get the defibrillator.

(Wishy Washy rushes off. He comes back on with the
defibrillator.)

Buttons: Are you ready?

Wishy Washy: Ready.

Buttons: Shock him.

(Wishy Washy walks over to Peter head holding the
defibrillator‟s.)

Wishy Washy: (In Peter ear.) BOO!

Buttons: What are you doing?

Wishy Washy: You told me to shock him.

Buttons: Yes but I meant with the things you have in your
hand. Why else do you think I told you to get them?

Wishy Washy: I don‟t know?

Buttons: I mean did you honestly think that you saying
something shocking would make him wake up.

Wishy Washy: You‟re probably right. You know you‟re as smart
as that guy.

Buttons: What guy?

Wishy Washy: You know the guy whose raised student tuition
fees.

(Peter jumps up off the bed.)




                                                                38
Peter: WHAT! Student tuition fees have been raised. But I‟m
still a child. How much are they going to be by the time I
decide to grow up and go to university to study?

Buttons: That‟s unbelievable.

Wishy Washy: Huh?

Buttons: Don‟t you see Wishy Washy. You were right. You
shocked him back to life.

Wishy Washy: I‟m confused.

Buttons: Never mind.

Peter: What‟s just happened? Oh that doesn‟t matter. If I
remember correctly captain Hook has captured Wendy, John,
Michael and Tinkerbell.

Tiger Lily: (Off stage.) And Tiger Lily.

Peter: And tiger Lily. I must go and rescue them.


Scene

(Captain Hook enters followed by his gang pirates. They all
drag on to stage the dwalves, Wendy, John and Michael and
Tinkerbel. Tiger Lilyl walks on by themselves.)

Peter:(Off stage.) Have no fear. For Peter Pan is here.

Captain Hook: Peter Pan! But how??

Peter: I‟ll deal with you in a minute, but first let‟s get
your prisoners to safetly. Quickly Tinker throw magic dust
over everyone, so they can fly away to safety.

Tinkerbell:(Sounding genuine.) Oh wait Peter I‟ve got a better
idea. Quickly slide me your knife.

Peter:(Confused.) Okay.

(Peter slides his knife across the floor to Tinkerbell.
Tinkerbell picks it up.)

Peter: So what‟s your plan Tinker?

Tinkerbell:(Evil smirk appears on her face.) To give it to
Captain Hook.

(Tinkerbell hands the knife to Captain Hook.)

Peter: But I don‟t understand?




                                                              39
Tinkerbell: What‟s not to understand Peter. I‟ve turned bad.

Song – ‘Michael Jackson’ – ‘Bad’ – Starts playing.

Tinkerbell:(To tech box.) Do I really look like I‟m in the
mood to sing?

Song – ‘Michael Jackson’ – ‘Bad’ – Stops playing.

Peter: But I don‟t understand. We‟re friends.

Tinkerbell: Are we Peter? All I seem to do now days is follow
you around while you show you‟re new friends around Neverland.

Peter: I thought you liked Wendy?

Tinkerbell: No I don‟t like Wendy, I didn‟t like Jane either,
who you bought last week or Rachael or Sarah or…

Wendy:(Shocked.) One minute, you bring a different girl every
week?

Peter:(To Wendy.) No it‟s not like that.

Tinkerbell: Yes it is.

Wendy:(Upset.) I thought I was special.

Peter:(To Wendy.) You are Wendy. (To Tinkerbell.) Listen
Tinker…

Tinkerbell: Bell. Tinkerbell. My friends call me Tinker.


Captain Hook: Basically Peter I win. You have no weapons and
by the look on Wendy‟s face I‟d say no friends either.

Peter: What are you going to do to me?

Captain Hook: Firstly I‟m going to give you one more chance
give me back what you‟ve taken from me.

Peter: I ca…

Captain Hook: …Can‟t. I imagined you‟d say that. In that case
I‟m going to have Tinker fly you out of Neverland and dump you
somewhere on earth. So that the boy who never wanted to grow
up can finally grow up. How poetic. (Laughs.)

Peter: This won‟t work Hook. I‟m Peter Pan I‟ll just fly back
to Neverland.

Captain Hook: Do you know what? You‟re probably right. The
only question is Peter will you even remember your way back to
Neverland or even what Neverland is?



                                                                40
Peter: What are you on about?

Captain Hook:(To Tinkerbell.) Tinker when you drop him off on
earth be sure to wipe every last memory with a bag of your
memory dust. Now have I forgotten anything? Nope think I‟ve
covered it all. Goodbye Peter Pan.

Peter: No you can‟t do this!

Captain Hook: Actually Peter I think you‟ll find I can and
have. Peter Pan? More like Peter can…not do anything about it.
(Awkward Pause.) That sounded much better in my head. Anyway
it doesn‟t matter I‟ve won. Take him away Tinker!

(Peter is dragged off stage by Tinkerbell screaming.)

END OF ACT 1




                                                                41
Peter Panto: Act 2

It is 20 years on since Peter has been banished to the real
world, and Captain Hook has been ruling over Neverland.

Scene 1

Buttons and Wishy Washy enter in prison clothing dragging a
ball and chain tied to their ankles.

Buttons and Wishy Washy: (now somewhat forced) Hello
everybody!

(Audience Response)

Wishy Washy: No, that‟s not good enough, I said...

Buttons: That‟s enough now.

Wishy Washy: But you said that.

Buttons: I know, but the situation is a little different now
isn‟t it. I mean, after the fiasco at the end of act one.

(Wishy Washy takes out a script and looks through it)

Wishy Washy: Oh yeah! None of that was in my script.
Buttons: None of that was in anyone‟s script. Peter Pan was
not meant to be sent to the real world, and Neverland left in
this state.

Wishy Washy: So what now?

Buttons: We hold the fort Wishy Washy. Any actor worth his
salt knows how to improvise. So that‟s what we‟re stuck doing
until the script writers come up with something.

(ON SCREEN?? – Six dwarves are sat around with pens and papers
having a discussion about what will happen next.)

Grumpy: Those actors have really messed this up for us this
time. Two months of planning, and they go and do whatever they
feel like.

Doc: We‟ll need some really good ideas to get Peter back to
Neverland and reverse 20 years of ageing.

Sneezy: We could use some magic dust of some sort... ACHOOOO!

Happy: Yeah! Maybe there was some magic dust left on Peter‟s
sleeve. Yes! I love it! Or what about some plastic surgery??

Bashful: Um, and um maybe Nan has some age dust left on her
collar... um, maybe?




                                                                42
Doc: How about you and Happy arrive and do a page long
monologue about how you‟ve been searching for him for years,
and it‟s time for him to return.

Happy: Yeah! And then he can climb on Bashful‟s back and he
can fly them back to Neverland.

Grumpy: Do we actually even need Wendy and Peter? We could
just do it all.

Dopey: Yeah, Grumpy, you could go to Neverland and kill
Captain Hook, and everyone loves you.

Sleepy: (wakes up) I think that‟s a great idea! (sleeps)

Bashful: You don‟t think we‟re giving ourselves too many lines
to you??

All dwarves: NO!

(Grumpy finishes off writing and hands script to Happy)

Grumpy: Happy, you take this to the producers then, see what
they think.

(SCREEN VID ends)

Wishy Washy: So, for a while then.

Buttons: It‟s not looking good so far.

Wishy Washy: Well, it could be worse. At least I get to see
Wendy every day at recreation!

Buttons: Twenty years locked in a cell with this for company.
I certainly hope someone finds Peter soon.

Scene 2

(Smee runs on from stage left with his bugle. He plays the
fanfare noise.)



Smee: Now presenting Captain Hook the one and only ruler of
Neverland.

Captain Hook: (Off stage. Like he‟s at a gig.) Sanfield
theatre. Let‟s make some noise.

Song – ‘Slade’ – ‘Come on feel the noise’ – Starts Playing

(Captain Hook sings and his pirates join in on the chorus.)

Song – ‘Slade’ – ‘Come on feel the noise’ – Stops Playing




                                                                43
Captain Hook: (Laughs.) Yes that‟s right I am the ruler of
Neverland at last, and no one can stop me. I know what you
were probably thinking you‟d come back after the interval and
we‟d make up some ridiculous reason to bring Peter back like
Santa Clause went to fetch him or maybe the snowman did. Well
let me assure you now that not one of those pathetic excuses
is going to happen in this pantomime. Take a look for
yourself.

(Captain Hook clicks his fingers. Santa Claus and the Snowman
who is still holding the little boy by his hand enters. They
are all in prison jump suits.)

Captain Hook: (Laughs.) You see nothing can stop me. However
Santa did escape once, but he soon came back when I sent him
this through the post.

(Captain Hook pulls out a red nose from his pocket.)

Captain Hook: And I didn‟t get this nose from a comic relief
store. (Laughs.)

(Captain Hook throws the nose at Santa. Santa breaks down in
tears.)

Santa: (Screams in sadness.) Rudolph!

Captain Hook: Yes that‟s right once again all the other
reindeers will laugh and call him names. That is if the other
reindeers weren‟t mounted above my fireplace. (Laughs.)

(Santa cries even more.)

Captain Hook: Oh don‟t cry Santa here have a mince pie.

(Captain Hook holds out a mince pie in front of Santa. As
Santa goes to grab it Captain Hook moves it out the way and
places it on his boot.)

Captain Hook: Go on then. Eat it.

Santa: Do I have to?

Captain Hook: (Acts nice.) No of course you don‟t have to.
(Horrible again.) However it‟s the only meal you‟re going to
get this month. But it‟s your choice.

(Santa kneels down and eats the mince pie of Captain Hook‟s
boot. Captain Hook laughs. Santa stands up after eating the
mince pie.)

Captain Hook: Now beat it Santa.

(Santa exits.)




                                                                44
Captain Hook: Now as for you Snowman. You know the other day I
was sitting around thinking why don‟t you look like a snowman
to me and I realised it‟s because you‟re missing something. Do
you know what that is? Snowballs.

(Captain Hook throws two snowballs one hitting the little boy
and the other done hitting the snowman.)

Boy: (Crying.) I want to go home.

Captain Hook: (Laughs.) Now get out of my sight snowman,
before I put you in front of the fire. And take the boy with
you.

(Snowman and little boy leaves.)

Captain Hook: (Calling.) Bring on Peter‟s friends.

(John and Smiley bring on Wendy, John and Michael. Tiger Lily
comes walking on with them.)

Captain Hook: Well look at you all. Who‟d of thought twenty
years later and you all don‟t look a day over 14.

John: That‟s because no one ages in Neverland.

Captain Hook: (Lost for words.) Yes I know that. It was joke.

Michael: It wasn‟t a very good one was it?

Captain Hook: (Shocked.) Well…Oh shut up. Anyway as soon as I
find out where Peter has hidden what he took from me I will be
able to release the destroyer.



John: Golly wolly. That sounds mighty bad.

Wendy: Just let us go.

Tiger Lily: Yeh let us go.

Captain Hook: What are you on about Tiger Lily you are free to
go.

Tiger Lily: (Lying.) Well good I‟m glad I‟m free to go. It‟s
about time.

Captain Hook: What are you on about you‟ve been free to go
since the beginning, you chose to stay here for twenty years.

Tiger Lily: (Desperate for him to make her stay.) Well I‟ll
just go and get my things.

Captain Hook: Good. (Carries on explaining his plan.) However
before I can release the destroyer I will need to find the



                                                                45
treasure chest that it has been locked away in (Calling.)
Mother!

(Captain Hook‟s mum enters.)

Mum: Yes petal.

(When ever Hook‟s mother‟s on stage Hook will act like a moody
teenager.)

Captain Hook: How many times do I have to tell you. Don‟t call
me that in front of people.

Mum: Oh sorry sugar bum.

Captain Hook: OH MUM! You‟re so embarrassing.

Mum: Oh sorry did another one of my pet names slip out again
cupcake.

Captain Hook: Mum!

Mum: No I mean as in „Do you and your friends want a cupcake‟
look. (Mum shows tray of cupcakes.) They‟ve just this minute
come out of the oven.

Captain Hook: No we don‟t want any cupcakes.

Wendy: Actually I wouldn‟t mind a cupcake



John: You wouldn‟t mind if I helped myself would you?

Mum: Not at all sweetheart. There‟s plenty to go around.

(All the people Hook‟s captured eat the cupcakes off the
tray.)

Mum: Oh my. It‟s like you lot haven‟t eaten for twenty years.
(To Captain Hook.) I hope your treating your guests well my
little (Pulls his cheek.) hooky wooky.

Captain Hook: Don‟t touch me mum. You know I don‟t like it
when you do that.

Mum: Sorry pumpkin. Now what is it you wanted me for?

Captain Hook: I want the map that leads to the chest that the
destroyer is in.

Mum: I want? I‟ve raised you better than that! Let‟s try again
shall we.




                                                                46
Captain Hook: (Doesn‟t want to say it.) Please can I have the
map the shows where the treasure chest is which contains the
destroyer mother dearest.

Mum: Certainly here you are dear.

(Mum hands him the map.)

Captain Hook: Excellent now just got to find it…

Mum: Hooky. You‟re not planning on finding it are you?

Captain Hook: Yes why not.

Mum: Haven‟t I always taught you about sharing? I think you
should give Smee the map and let him find the treasure chest

Captain Hook: Are you being serious?

Mum: Absolutely. (Calling.) Smee.

(Smee enters.)

Mum: There you are Smee. Now Smee would you like to help my
son find his chest?

Smee: It‟s under his shirt look



(Smee walks over to hook and starts undoing buttons on his
shirt.)

Mum: No Smee darling. I don‟t mean chest as in my sons
freakishly hairy one. I mean chest as in treasure chest

Smee: Oh I see.

(Captain Hooks mum takes the map of Hook and hands it Smee.)

Mum: Now here‟s the map that will lead you to it. You see
you‟re here. (Points on map.) and the treasures here. (Points
on map.) Do you think you can get there?

Smee: No problem.

Captain Hook: This is ridiculous.

Mum: You leave Smee alone Hooky. He‟s trying his best. I wish
sometimes you could be more like Smee.

Captain Hook: (Upset.) I hate you I wish you were dead.

(Captain Hook storms off stage.)

Scene 3 - Scene with Shadow stealing magic dust off Tink



                                                                47
Scene 4

Smee: Finally, a chance to prove myself to the Captain. If I
find this treasure chest, he‟ll surely give me a pat on the
head too, and maybe even a real pirate hat.

(Smee studies the map intensely, looks confused, turns it
round the other way, still confused)

Smee: Hmm, I‟m not sure where I am on this map.

(Smee looks again. Puts the map on the floor in front of him,
looks at map and then at things around him. Walking all round
the map looking at it at different angles. He is still
confused. He then stands on the map to see if that helps, and
looks round again. Finally he gives up and sits down and
cries)

Smee: It‟s no use, I can‟t do it! Now I‟ll have to go back and
all the other pirates will laugh at me. (Notices audience)
Hey! None of you can help me can you?? Can you read maps?? Who
can read a map, can you help? (Smee finds a willing volunteer
from the audience and brings them on stage to look at the map)
So is this blue bit here the island (pointing to the sea,
volunteer should respond) OH!! Of course, and this here is??
(pointing to obvious forest on map) Oh brilliant. So where is
Captain Hook‟s hideout? (volunteer should see where the
hideout is obviously on the map) Oh brilliant! Will you come
with me I‟m scared. (They follow map to mermaid bay where the
three mermaids sit) Oh the mermaids, I know them they can help
from here (thank volunteer if they did indeed follow)

Mermaids: Stop there!

Mermaid 2: Our dad King Neptune is fed up with all our
flirting, and we‟re not meant to talk to strangers any more.

Smee: But it‟s Smee!

Mermaid 3: Seriously, he‟s in a really bad mood today

Neptune: (off) shouts something amusing but angry

Smee: Ok! Just quickly, you don‟t have any treasure there do
you?

Mermaid 2: No sorry, why don‟t you try the Forbidden Forest?

Neptune: (off) Girls, if that‟s another human you‟re talking
to, so help me Zeus!

Mermaid 1: It‟s no-one daddy

Mermaid 2: We‟d better go

Mermaid 3: Good luck Smee!


                                                                48
(Smee goes back to the centre and looks at map then is pleased
with himself when he finds the Forbidden Forest)

Smee: AhHA! Forbidden forest! This way! (goes off, we hear
sound of many barking dogs, howling wolves etc, Smee runs back
on scared) Down boys, nice little doggies. Nice doggies. Hmm.
Where next. Smuggler‟s Cove? Let‟s try there. (Again Smee
works out where to go, even more quickly. Walks off to
Smugglers Cove, sounds off of drinking songs and a big
„cheers‟. Smee drunkenly staggers back on) Hic! Nope.
Thereshnothin there! (Then staggers off)

Scene 5

Peters Shadow arrives at the Darlings house. He starts looking
around, voices are heard off and he slips into the shadows.

Nan: (off) Peter dear, are you coming, it‟s nearly time for my
daily walk

Old Peter Pan enters.

Old Peter: I‟m here now Mrs D.

Nan: Oh you‟re such a handsome young man. Looking after an old
lady like me. More than that retched son of mine has ever
done. Whatever made you chose a profession like this?

Old Peter: I don‟t know. It may sound odd but working with
elderly people like yourself makes me seem younger. And for
some reason I have this desire to be younger. Does that sound
odd to you?

Nan: Of course not dear.

Old Peter: Thanks

Nan: It sounds bloody vain. I have grandchildren you know.

Old Peter: Really?

Nan: They went missing though. It‟s like a big black shadow
hanging over this family.

Old Peter: At least you have a shadow

Nan: What?

Old Peter: A shadow. I don‟t have one, never have. It‟s like
part of me is missing. Like I‟m not complete. It completes me.


At this, the shadow emotionally bursts out of hiding holding a
sign that reads „You had me at hello, the shadow throws the
sign away. It then starts motioning and gesturing away to show


                                                                49
that he is Peters Shadow. Old Peter and Nan look a little
confused, Nana recognises the shadow. The Shadow tries to do a
mime to show what happened, Nana helps playing some of the
parts. Old Peter is still confused, but Nan is suddenly
recognising the shadow and runs to get her sewing kit.

Nan: Hang on, I‟m remembering something... cross stitch, yes??

The shadow nods, and voluntarily attaches himself to Peter.
Nan sews him on perfectly and Old Peter suddenly remembers
everything.

(Superman theme starts playing.)

Old Peter: Wendy!

Nan: Wendy? My Wendy?

Old Peter: Tiger Lily!

Nan: Tiger who?

Old Peter: Tinkerbell!

Nan: Goodness that‟s a lot of women

Old Peter: (more seriously) Captain Hook! Elizabeth. I
remember, I remember who I am. I‟m…I‟m…I‟m Peter Pan, the boy
who never grew up.

(Peter rips off his suit to reveal underneath he is still
wearing his Peter Pan outfit although it is too small for him.
Superman theme stops playing.)

Old Peter: Neverland is in danger. It has been under the rule
of the most evil Captain Hook for the last 20 years. My
friends! Your... grandchildren! They are all in danger, we
must save them. Oh, but... magic dust, we have no magic dust
to fly there.

Nan: Are you quite alright Peter, shall I fetch the doctor?

Nana enters in a doctors outfit.

Old Peter: (now deep in thought) No, we need more than that.
We need a plan.

Shadow taps Peter on the shoulder, and whispers something in
Peter‟s ear.

Old Peter: Brilliant!

Shadow then whispers something else

Old Peter: Excellent!



                                                                50
Shadow whispers something else

Old Peter: (disgusted) NO!! We can‟t do that!

Shadow shrugs

Song Me and My Shadow

Old Peter: Snoop Dog! Fetch me Robin Hood!

Nana nods and runs off in obedience.



Scene 6

(Smee wanders back on with map creeping)

Smee: Dead Man‟s Creek. This way. (Smee creeps backwards
looking scared. There‟s an dead looking old man on a rocking
chair) AGH! (Smee comes back to centre as „dead‟ man wakes up,
shrugs and takes off chair) Ooh! There‟s a skull and cross
bones just here on the map. It‟s yellow though, not black. But
let‟s see. (Smee goes off stage where there is a pulsing green
light, he comes back on and he‟s all itchy) Oh, look! I didn‟t
see this bit before. THREE Xs in one spot. That must be
treasure. (Goes off, we hear „Hello Sailor!‟ and lots of
kissing noises, Smee comes back on with 3 lipstick marks on
his face and messed up hair looking rather dazed but happy)
Um... um... (looking back to where he‟s just been) um... oh!
Yes. Treasure! Right. Map. Look. Um. OH! Look, I didn‟t see
that before. There‟s a bit here saying „treasure chest‟.
Surely that‟s too easy? (Shrugs and leaves)

Scene 7

The six dwarves are marching in a line singing Hi Ho very
miserably. Eric and Smiley watch over.

Grumpy: I thought we‟d got out of all this mining lark, moving
away from Snow White‟s.

Sleepy: Where is Peter, I thought he‟d have come back by now.

Bashful: He doesn‟t care, he‟s neglected us, they all leave us
in the end.

Doc: Well now it‟s dwarf labour under Captain Hook

Happy: Get working again, we have to find more diamonds for
Hook. Apparently his mum wants them.

Sneezy: I‟ve never known anyone as scared of his own mother as
that pirate!




                                                                51
Dwarves continue to work. Fairy God Mother appears next to
Smiley and Eric. She is dressed in a sparkly 80s power suit!

FGM: Ah! Here we are, are you the foreman of this worksite?

Eric: Yes

FGM: Hi, Fairy Godmother. I have a court request to interview
these young men here in the case of Charming verses
Cinderella.

Smiley: Erm...
FGM: Well, come on then, I haven‟t got all day, I‟m a busy
woman.

Eric: You‟ll have to do it in here then, Hook won‟t allow them
out of the mines until sundown

FGM: Can I get signal in here?

Smiley: What?

FGM: Phone. Reception. Signal. Can I be contacted?

Eric: Erm...

FGM: Agh! Never mind. Charming! Snow! Cinders, get in here.

Snow White and Prince Charming come in linked arms, Snow White
looks terribly pleased with herself. Cinderella comes on from
the other side looking very upset and frazzled.

Snow White: Cinderella

Cinderella: Snow White (sobs)

Charming: Cinders

Cinderella: Char... (sobbing)... ming!

FGM: Ok, Cinderella, remember what we said. Less emotion, more
focus on the alimony.

Cinderella: Yes!

FGM: So, can we ask these young men the questions we
discussed. Shall we sit.

Cinderella: Right, yes.

Smiley and Eric have by now brought in a table and put chairs
on either side for FGM, Snow White, Cinderella and Charming.
The dwarves stand behind.

FGM: So, my client would like to confirm the relationship of
these seven young men with Ms White


                                                                52
Snow White: Six

Cinderella: Huh?
Snow White: Six, Dopey died (Snow white feigns great distress)

Cinderella: Oh please spare me the performance, so what
happened Snow White? Another Stressful incident.

Charming: Stressful?

Cinderella: Oh yes, didn‟t you know, there used to be eight.

Doc: She‟s right you know. Poor old thing never had a chance

Snow White: Well you try being a single mum of eight.

Charming: Well now I‟m here Snow, it‟ll be a two parent family
from now on in.

FGM: that‟s remains to be seen. The judge will have to see a
written statement from all these young men and will determine
whether you are fit to look after them, or if they remain in
the custody of Peter Pan... where is he by the way.

The dwarves all mutter excuses.. „oh he‟s err‟ „busy right
now‟ „off on a business trip‟ etc.

Cinderella: And what about my money

FGM: Yes, Charming, we‟ll need a list of all your assets and a
full account of your side of the story.

Charming: Well I told you, true loves kiss awakened Snow
White, and in Fairyland nothing is more binding.

Cinderella: Well what about my shoe?

Snow White: Oh please, a shoe? Who uses a shoe to show their
love?

Cinderella: It‟s symbolic, far more poetic than a kiss. Anyone
can give a kiss.

Charming: Ladies, ladies. Please, I know I‟m a catch but let‟s
not start arguing over me.

Grumpy: Well, we‟re a little busy here, can you please ask
these questions so we can get on with our work?

Suddenly there is commotion as Robin Hood enters, fights
Smiley and Eric and runs in.

Robin Hood: it is I, Peter Pan! I have returned to the
Netherlands, I mean Neverland, to fight Captain... er
Captain...


                                                                53
Snow White: Hook?

Robin Hood: Yes, that‟s him, Captain Hook, and set us free
forever!

Snow White: Peter Pan?

Robin Hood: Yes

Charming: You?

Robin Hood: Yes, see, green suit, hat and all!

Charming: But there‟s something not right

Robin Hood: Oh fine! Fine! I‟m not Peter, I‟m Robin Hood, but
Peter is here

Dwarves: He‟s here? Where? Finally (etc...)

Cinderella: So why isn‟t he here himself

Robin Hood: well you see, he‟s somewhat aged,   and until he
gets some age dust from Tinkerbell he‟ll stay   that way. We
just figured it‟d be easier if I pretended to   be him and then
come and get you to help. (looks to audience)   Obviously not.
So, are you with me?

FGM: Excuse me, I am on an hourly rate here, and I‟ve another
appointment with the three pigs at 3, can we focus on the
matter in hand here. Can we get this filled in?

Dwarves: Not now.

FGM: Cinders?

Cinderella: Err, well, this is kind of big Fairy Godmother. I
want to get involved.

FGM: Fine! I‟m off to my next meeting. I‟ll call you later.
It‟s not like I‟m busy enough.

FGM leaves

Charming: So what‟s the plan Mr Hood?

Robin Hood: Follow me

They all leave

Scene 8

(Captain Hook is on stage. Tiger lily enters with her coat on
and holding two suit cases in either hand. She puts them down.



                                                                  54
This scene is done subtly and calm   like the ending to an old
movie.)

Tiger Lily: I‟ll be off then.

Captain hook: Good.

Tiger lily: Don‟t try and stop me.

Captain Hook: I won‟t

Tiger Lily: This is it then. The end. After all we‟ve been
through this is how…

Captain Hook: Are you still here.

Tiger Lily: Very Well.

(Tiger lily picks up her suitcases and exits.)

Captain Hook: (To audience.) Well, well, well boys and girls.
It would appear you‟ve been keeping something from me.
Apparently Peter Pan has got his memory back and the old
codger is on his way to Neverland right now. But do you know
what I‟m not scared. I‟m not scared one tiny bit and do you
want to know why? (Pause for audience response.) Well do you?

(Audience response.)

Captain Hook: Because I‟ve already caught him. He‟s right
here.

(Mr Darling enters dressed as Peter with a bag over his head.
This should make the audience think it is old Peter. Captain
Hook laughs.)

Captain Hook: (Calling.) Pirates get here now and bring the
prisoners with you.

(Pirates enter with prisoners.)

Captain Hook: Finally my dreams have come true. Everyone is
here to witness the execution of Peter Pan. Smiley get me my
axe.

(Smiley goes off and re enters with an axe. He hands it to
Captain Hook. Captain Hook hands it to Eric.)

Captain Hook: Eric. Polish it for me.

(Eric polishes it and hands it back to Captain Hook.)

Captain Hook: Such good boys. Goodbye Peter Pan.

(Captain Hook aims the axe at Mr Darling‟s neck is just about
to swing at it when Wendy interrupts.)


                                                                 55
Wendy: Wait!

Captain Hook: What!

Wendy: What if Peter gives it to you?

Captain Hook: (Confused and shocked.) Gives what to me?

Wendy: You know. That thing you use to always ask Peter to
give you so you could release the destroyer.

Captain Hook: Oh I don‟t need my hand anymore.

Wendy: (Shocked.) Your hand?

Captain Hook: Yes. Why what else did you think he took from
me. I don‟t just wear this hook for fun you know. I‟m missing
a bloody hand.
Happy: Why didn‟t you just go to the second hand shop?

(All cast on stage laugh at the terrible joke. Except Hook.)

Captain Hook: Oh shut up.

Happy: (More confident thinks he‟s a comedian.) Oh come on
that was funny. You‟ve got to HAND it to me.

(All cast except Captain Hook laugh.)

Captain Hook: That‟s not even funny.

Happy: What‟s your favourite book HANDsel and Grettle.

(Cast grown some saying “He killed it”)

John: (To Captain Hook.) But I don‟t understand why do you
need your severed hand back so badly?

Michael: Well his hook is pretty disgusting to look at.

Captain Hook: (To Michael.) Look here you. My hand may look
disgusting. (Threatening.) But do you know what I could do
with this.

(Shoves Hook right in front of Michael‟s face.)

Michael: Of course I do.

(Michael takes his dressing gown off and hangs it on Captain
Hook‟s hook.)

Michael: Thanks.

Captain Hook: (Angry.) You little…



                                                                56
Wendy: But wait. You said you needed your hand to release the
destroyer?

Captain Hook: Yes. The destroyer is in the treasure chest that
Smee is finding for me right now…

John: Oh I see. And the treasure chest has a hand scanner on
it. Which is registered to only open when your left hand is
scanned on it.

Captain Hook: You‟re wrong actually smarty pants. It‟s like
any other treasure chest you just need a key to open it. Which
I have here. (Captain Hook pulls key out of his pocket.) Only
problem is it‟s a left handed key. (Excited.) Luckily I am
left handed. (Disappointed.) Unluckily however that was the
hand Peter took.

Wendy: But surely one of the other pirates that work for you
is left handed.
Captain Hook: Nope. That‟s right I own all these pirates and
not one of them if left handed atleast that‟s what I thought
until yesterday I discovered Smee is left handed.

Smee: (Off stage.) I‟ve got the treasure chest Captain.

Captain Hook: Good work Smee. Bring it in.

(Smee enters dragging on a treasure chest.)

Captain Hook: Now Smee for the first time ever you are going
to make me proud as not only have you found the treasure chest
which contains the destroyer but you are also going to open
it.

Smee: Really.

Captain Hook: Absolutely.

Smee: How?

Captain Hook: Well you know your left hand.

Smee: (Excited.) Not anymore I don‟t

Captain Hook: What are you on about?

Smee: Well you know how I‟ve always wanted to be like you.

Captain Hook: Yes.

Smee: Well today I chopped my left hand off so I could be even
more like you.

Captain Hook: What?

Smee: Look for yourself.


                                                                57
(Smee pulls his left hand out his pocket to reveal he now has
a hook for a hand.)

Captain Hook: You bumbling buffoon Smee. Now I‟ll never be
able to realease the destroyer.

John: Oh dear. It would appear we‟ve won.

Michael: Yeh so just let us go.

Smiley: No don‟t give up yet captain. Let me prove myself. I‟m
sure I‟ll be able to use the left handed key let me try.

(Smiley takes the key and puts it in the lock of the chest.
However he can‟t turn it round, as it‟s a left-handed key.
Eric goes and tries to help Smiley out and turn the key.
However after struggling for a while they give up.)

Smiley: Sorry Captain.

Eric: I‟m also sorry Captain.

Captain Hook: (Nice.) You too are such. (Angry.) BAD BOYS. Get
out of my sight.

(Smiley and Eric leave.)

Captain Hook: I can‟t believe you cut your hand off Smee. Tell
me it‟s not true.

Smee: It‟s not true.

Captain Hook: Really?

Smee: Yes. I didn‟t really dare cut off my hand. So I just put
it up my sleeve and hoped you thought I‟d cut it off. Look…

(Smee pulls his hand out of his sleeve.)

Smee: You probably think I‟m a wimp now you know the truth.

Captain Hook: A wimp? Smee I love you right now. Here take
this key. (Hands Smee the key.) And open the treasure chest
with it.

Smee: Okay. But I thought you wanted to do that.

Captain Hook: I can‟t Smee have you not been listening.
Besides to make this a truly memorable moment at the same time
as you open the chest I‟m going to take off Peter Pan‟s head.

(Captain Hook picks up axe and lines it up with Peter Pan‟s
neck and get‟s ready to swing at it. All cast gasp in shock.)

Wendy: But why?


                                                                58
Captain Hook: Why! All those times I haven‟t been able to
clap. All those games of the hokey kokey when I could never
put my left hand in or my left hand out, or in, out, in, out
and shake it all…

Michael: Alright we get the picture

Captain Hook: Anyway I don‟t need to justify myself to you.
Are you ready Smee?

Smee: Yes Captain.
Captain Hook: Alright after three. One, two, thr…

(Young Peter Pan at this moment runs on and jumps on top of
the treasure chest Smee is about to open.)

Peter Pan: Oh I don‟t think so.

Captain Hook: What?

Peter Pan: Surprised?

Captain Hook: I don‟t understand.

Peter Pan: What‟s not to understand I‟m up here so I‟m sorry
to say but that‟s not me you‟ve got captured over there.

Captain Hook: It isn‟t. Who is it then?

(Captain Hook rips bag off Mr Darling‟s head.)

Wendy/John/Michael: Dad.

Mr Darling: Yes it‟s me.

John: Dad you haven‟t seen us for twenty years you could be a
little more excited.

Mr Darling: Sorry it is hard to though, when you‟re standing
around in tights about to have your head cut off by a mad man
with an axe. I‟m never going to take part in one of your plans
again Peter.

Peter Pan: Calm down. It is your children I‟m rescuing.

Mr Darling: Yes but only because you got them captured.

Peter Pan: Alright calm down darling.

Mr Darling: That‟s Mr Darling to you.

Captain Hook: Well Peter I have to hand it to you once again
you‟ve out smarted me. But never doubt me. I have an ace up my
sleeve.



                                                                59
(Captain Hook takes an ace out of his sleeve.0

Captain Hook: I‟m not quite sure how that got there. But also
Peter I have a back up plan.

SFX: Tick Tock sound.

Peter Pan: What‟s that sound?

(Crocodile enters.)

Peter Pan: (Sarcastic.) Oh no it‟s a crocodile with a clock in
it. What‟s it going to do? Tell me the time.

Captain Hook: That ticking isn‟t the sound of an alarm clock.
It‟s the ticking down of a bomb I‟ve had placed in the
crocodile and only I can turn the bomb off with this
controller. So it‟s your choice Peter and you‟ve got exactly
one minute to make your mind up.

Peter Pan: Alright Hook you win.

(Peter Pan steps down off the treasure chest.)

Captain Hook: Excellent.

(Two pirates grab Peter Pan by his arms.)

Peter Pan: I‟ve stepped off the chest now so at least
deactivate the bomb.

Captain Hook: What bomb. That‟s just a crocodile that
swallowed a clock. (Laughs.) Now Smee are you ready to open
the treasure chest.

Smee: Yes Captain.

Captain Hook: Perfect. And as you do that Smee I‟m going to
have Wendy walk the plank into the shark-infested water below.

Peter Pan: Wait a minute. Originally you were going to kill me
while opening the treasure chest. Do that. Don‟t hurt Wendy.

Captain Hook: I know I was. But I find doing this will
probably hurt you more than I ever could.

Pirate 1: One minute. Making her walk the plank it boring. I
think you should cut her with your hook.

Pirate 2: Yeh me too.

(Pirates start chanting hook her.)

Miserable Extra:(To audience.) Did someone call for a H… Do
you know what I‟m not going to say it. There are children in
the audience. Young, innocent little children, sitting there


                                                                60
with their whole lives ahead of them, blissfully unaware of
what a cruel and twisted world awaits them. A world that‟s so
unjust that after SEVEN years of being a committed member of a
youth theatre you get the role as an extra. Well you know what
I‟m not going to take this anymore. That‟s right I‟m going to
leave. I‟m going to leave with my head held high. You see I
may not have a big part but I still have my dignity.

(Miserable extra turns round to exit this reveals he‟s got a
fake plastic bum on. He exits.)

Captain Hook: Right that we odd. Anyway it‟s up to me what I
do with her. And I‟m going to have her walk the plank so the
rest of you can shut up. Now come on Wendy.

(Captain Hook pushes Wendy onto the plank.)

Wendy: Daddy stop him.

Mr Darling: Excuse me Mr Hook but would it be possible for
you…

Captain Hook: Shut up.

Mr Darling: I tried.

Captain Hook: Are you ready Smee. Three, two, one.

(Captain Hook pushes Wendy off the plank off stage. We hear
her scream. Smee opens the treasure chest. The whole cast hit
the floor covering there ears like a bombs going to go off.)

Captain Hook: Yes it‟s happened it‟s finally happened. I‟ve
released the destroyer.

(Captain Hook walks over to the chest and pulls out a toy
truck and holds it above his head.)

Captain Hook: The Destroyer is free.

John/Michael/Peter/Mr Darling: WENDY!

Wendy: (Off stage.) Yes.

(They all look shocked.)

Peter Pan: Wendy?

Wendy: (Off stage.) Yes Peter.

Peter Pan: Where are you?

Wendy: (Off stage.) I‟m here.

(Wendy enters.)



                                                                61
Peter Pan: But how.

Wendy: Someone rescued me.

Peter Pan: Who?

(Tinkerbell enters.)

Tinkerbell: Me.

Peter Pan: Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell: Don‟t you mean Tinker.

Peter Pan: (Laughs.) But I thought you hated me.

Tinkerbell: How could I ever hate my best friend Peter Pan,
besides Disneyland isn‟t all it‟s cracked up to be.

Wendy: (Notices the chest open.) Oh no did Captain Hook
release the destroyer then.

Captain Hook: I did. Look at it. What a beautiful toy truck.

Wendy: A toy truck. You‟ve put us through all that to release
a toy truck.

Peter Pan: I didn‟t know it was going to be a toy truck.

John: But you told us it was the worst thing in the whole of
Neverland.

Peter Pan: He said he was going to release the destroyer. Does
that not sound bad to you?

(Captain Hooks mum enters.)

Mother: Oh my little Hooky Wooky did you find it then.

Captain Hook: Yes I did thank you mummy.

Mother: Well all you have to do in future it wash the pots
when I ask the first time. Then I wouldn‟t have to hide your
favourite toy from you.

Captain Hook: Sorry mum.

Mother: It‟s alright sugar. Now shall we go and bake some
cookies together.

Captain Hook: Can I bring the destroyer with me.

Mother: Of course you can.

Captain Hook: Then I‟d love you.



                                                                62
(Captain Hook and his Mother exit. Then Captain Hook quickly
re enters.)

Captain Hook: Oh by the way guys you‟re free to go. Who needs
hostages when you‟ve got a toy truck.

(Captain Hook exits.)

Michael: I can‟t believe it all that over a toy truck.

Mr Darling: Come on. Lets go home.



Scene 9

Peter:(Off stage.) Well where back. Home and sound.

(Peter, Wendy, John and Michael enter. There is a young Nan
standing in the middle of the stage.)

Mr Darling: Who the hell are you?

Nan: Who do you think it is? It‟s me of course George.

Mr Darling: Mary is it really you?

(Before Nan can do anything George starts kissing her. While
he does this Mrs Darling walks in.)

Mrs Darling: Children you‟re back where‟s your…George!

(George stops kissing Nan. And turns around to see Mary.)

George: Mary?

Nan: (Annoyed.) George!

Wendy/John/Michael: Dad!

Mrs Darling: What on earth do you think you‟re doing?

Mr Darling: Well I thought I was kissing you. But if you‟re
there then who are you?

Nan: It‟s me Nan.

Wendy/John/Michael/Peter: Nan!

Mrs Darling: Mum!

Mr Darling: I think I‟m going to be sick.

Mrs Darling: George explain yourself.

Mr Darling: I thought she was you.


                                                                63
Mrs Darling: Why would you think such a ridiculous thing?

Mr Darling: With all this age dust flying around I just
thought you may have used some.

Mrs Darling: Don‟t be so ridiculous George. I‟m happy with the
way I look even if you aren‟t. I mean you don‟t just see me
getting with random people do you?

(Delivery boy enters with bed hair and lip stick all over
him.)

Delivery boy: (To Mrs Darling.) Same time next week?

Mrs Darling: Not now!

(Delivery boy exits. Mr Darling stands looking at Mrs Darling
very smug with himself.)

Mr Darling: Well, well, well. There‟s you standing there
having a go at me. When it would appear our trusty delivery
boy seems to deliver more than just pizzas.

(Delivery boy enters.)

Delivery Boy: (To audience.) It‟s true I‟m also a midwife.

Mrs Darling:    (To Delivery boy.) Just go!

(Delivery boy exits.)

Mrs Darling: Alright George maybe I   haven‟t perfectly stuck to
my wedding vows. But lets be honest   you haven‟t exactly shown
me much affection recently. So what   do you say we put all this
behind us and go back to how we use   to be?

Mr Darling: Will you sprinkle yourself with age dust?

Mrs Darling: (Giving in.) Yes.

Mr Darling: Then I agree.

(Mr and Mrs Darling embrace.)

Wendy: Daddy.

Mr Darling: Yes dear.

Wendy: Where‟s Nana.

Mr Darling: She‟s right there.

(Mr Darling points at Nan.)

Wendy: No not Nan. Nana.


                                                                64
Mr Darling: Oh you mean Snoop Dog. Well you see dear she was a
dog and you have been gone twenty years.

Wendy: Are you trying to tell me that…(starts crying.) Nana‟s
d…de….

Mr Darling: Oh don‟t cry darling look I got us a nice new dog
to replace Snoop Dog. She‟s called Flopsy.

(New dog enters and starts being friendly towards Wendy.)

Wendy: Oh wow!

Nan: Oh George you shouldn‟t of bought a new dog. Snoop Dog‟s
not dead.

All cast: She isn‟t.

Nan: No when you told be to take her to the vets and get her
put down I did no such thing.

Mr Darling: What did you do then?

Nan: Sprinkled her with a bit of age dust. See for yourself

(Nana enters and has folded arms acting cross with George.)

Mr Darling: (Awkward.) Oh hello Snoop Dog. Sorry about sending
you to get put down and everything. It‟s just you were quite
old. What do you say we put all this behind us?

(Nana hugs George excepting his apology.)

Wendy: Well that‟s great now we have two dogs!

Mr Darling: (Lying.) Yes it‟s great. Come on Flopsy lets take
you for a little walk.

(Flopsy and George turn with their backs to the audience to
exit. As they do we see George is holding a gun behind his
back. George and Flopsy exit.)

Peter: Well I best be off.

Wendy: Why don‟t you stay?

Peter: What stay here and get old? I don‟t think so.

Wendy: But what about with me? Why don‟t you stay here and get
old with me?

Peter: Wendy you don‟t need me. You‟ve got your whole life
ahead of you.

Wendy: Which I want to share with you.


                                                                65
Peter: No you just think you do. Believe me Wendy you‟ll
regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon and
for the rest of your life.

Wendy: I don‟t think I will. I mean how can anyone get bored
of Peter Pan. So what do you say? Will you stay?

(Peter opens the original J.M. Barrie book called „Peter &
Wendy.)

Peter: Well in the original play by J.M. Barrie I‟m supposed
to leave you and just visit you every spring.

Wendy: (Disappointed.) Oh.

Peter: But it‟s not like we‟ve stuck to the original play so
far. So to hell with it.

(Peter throws the play offstage.)

Peter: I‟m staying.

(Everyone cheers.)

Scene 10 – Buttons and Wishy Washy are still in Hook‟s
Prison




                                                               66

				
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