A monthly, published sporadically since 1924
Vol. 82 No. 3 The only campus newspaper with the guts to tell it like it is 0 cents/19.54 Canada
Democrats push for immediate pull out
NoZe Brotherhood get kicked off campus for making first Iraqi war sex joke
On Campus In the latest election, America made its voice We’ve been saying all along that the Democrats are
heard and sent a message, with resounding clarity, flip-floppers.”
Controversy amuck regarding the ol’ that they were not pleased with the war in Iraq. This Republican Congress members aren’t the
Christmas tree lighting............page 5 declaration came in the form of a stunning congres- only ones confused by their opponent’s message.
sional election, John Kerry, a
Baylor to cut down on ‘parking’ and which saw the noted Democrat,
associated delights.................page 13 Democrats tak- said, “the Repub-
ing control of both licans keep saying
Diary of a sportsman...............page 7 houses of Congress the only way to
for the first time in solve this one is to
over 12 years. get more men into
Students assume Lilley actually lis-
With con- the mix, but the
tens to what they say..............page 12
trol of Congress, way I remember
the new Demo- it, they were hard
World News cratic majority’s on family values
primary objec- as well as being
Arab glad government is protecting tive, according to staunch opponents
him from himself.....................page 4 party leaders, is to of gay rights. And
“What happened, Doug? I thought the safety
“pull out of Iraq” they call us flip-
Snagglepuss moves to South Africa to word was ‘Chattanooga.’”
and “wrap up this floppers.”
begin new life..........................page 3 war.” Traditionally silent on the matter of US wars,
In an act of good faith, President Bush in- the Catholic Church has also made it a point to weigh
Exclusive interview with Geoffrey vited new House speaker Nancy Pelosi to lunch the in on this new agenda.
the Toys ‘R’ Us Giraffe...........page 8 day after the election and expressed his interest in “Wrapping it up or pulling out…neither of
hearing alternative methods of dealing with the war those are really options,” Pope Benedict XVI said.
NoZe Brotherhood publishes inside in Iraq. “The Catholic Church has always encouraged strict
joke, campus in shock.............page 3 “Pelosi kept saying ‘pull out’ this and ‘pull abstinence. In other words, the US should have nev-
out’ that, and I got really confused,” President Bush er been there in the first place.”
said. “I thought she was the distinguished represen- When asked for comment, University Chap-
tative for San Francisco. Being a woman, I don’t see lain Byron Weathersbee said he agreed with the Dem-
where pulling out is an issue for her and her part- ocrats, but insisted on playing Devil’s advocate.
ner.” “As a Christian, I think that all life is sacred,
Like their new speaker, the rest of the Demo- so I am opposed to pulling out because it is just an-
crats favor pulling out of Iraq, but they have seen other form of contraception,” Weathersbee said. “But
some resistance from Hollywood, which historically I just don’t see what any of that has to do with the
has been their biggest supporter. war in Iraq.”
“Personally, I find all of this new military Bro. TheNoZeous Monk, Cunning Linguist
jargon confusing,” said Ron Jeremy, a famous adult of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!), said, “This
film actor. “In my business, pulling out doesn’t save article is just ridiculous. We haven’t had this many
face at all; if anything, it just makes a bigger mess.” sexual jokes in a political article since Bush chose
But Hollywood isn’t the only group confused Dick Cheney as his ‘running mate.’”
by the Democrats’ theory on the war. Senator Trent Unfortunately, for now it would appear the
Lott, recently named minority whip for the Republi- Democrats and the Republicans will not be able to
“It makes me sad to see these
NoZe Brothers stoop to such a can Senate, expressed his confusion as well. reach a compromise when it comes to a long-term
low level. They should just pull “All I’m saying is if you wrap it up, then plan for Iraq. Most seem to agree however that both
out while they’re ahead.” there’s no need to pull out; it just doesn’t make plans, pulling out or staying in, will cause a whole
sense” Lott said. “But then again, it’s no surprise. lot of pain in the end.
Page 2 Opinions&nonsense theRope
A note from the
POINT seconds on both. whole campus of students to
Cunning Linguist I really wish you would
come by more. You know the
worry about like I was mother
hen. And before you say any-
As the clock marches on to the dead- best part of my job is you guys. thing, I’m not complaining, I’m
line, I sit here in the mansion frantically scrib- Know what the second best part bragging.
bling down the remaining Funny. I don’t quite is? You guys again. Call me One last thing, if you
remember the last twelve hours, and it’s quite corny, I don’t care; that’s just see a guy walking about cam-
probable that some otherworldly force over- the way I am. pus that looks like me, but
came me in my sleep the other night and in- I know I caught a bunch wearing a Hawaiian shirt and
tervened in me to produce this. of flack off of the whole Brooks sunglasses, you’d best be ad-
As you may or may not be aware, Village thing, but I can always vised to cross to the other side
several things have been going on behind take solace in knowing that of the street and avoid contact,
the scenes at this bastion of higher learning Dub Oliver, it will be an enriching learn- because that’s not me, it’s my
which we all love and care for. This semester Vice President of Student Life ing experience for you guys. evil twin cousin, and he’s prob-
alone we’ve had another raise in tuition, a big Hey you guys, how’ve It makes me feel as warm and ably up to no good.
controversy surrounding the tenure process, you been? Why haven’t you fuzzy on the inside as I look on Having said that, I
hidden efforts to create an elitist “college” in stopped by my office for a cold the outside. would like to say that I’ve got
place of the once great Brooks Hall (Satch!), Dr. Pepper and good conversa- I really wish I had more the greatest job at Baylor.
rumblings in the Board of Regents, and to top tion? You know I promised you time for you now, but I have a
it all off, a freakin’ outbreak of zombies on
As such, the semester is coming to a at Baylor. And you know what garden, dig it!
halt and students have shifted their thoughts COUNTER the greatest part of my position You guys may not know
to either how they’re going to stay crunk over POINT is? The job security. Check who I am, but that’s not because
the winter break or how they’re going to pull the title my friends, that’s life of any lack of effort of my part;
their grades out of the gutter before finals. Ei- president. That means until I the university has been hold-
ther way, you should take a lazy Sunday off shuffle off this mortal coil and ing me back. When they were
and read through this savory edition of the Spuds McKenzie whisks me coming up with Vision 2012,
award winning Rope. Unfortunately for both away to the velveteen walls of I wanted to make the 13th im-
of us, the Rope will not save you from poor Beerhalla, this job is mine and perative to be mandatory pud-
decisions (or poor grades), but perhaps it can mine only. Word up. ding wrasslin’ for all students
save you intellectually. What’s the second best and faculty. And who do you
As this column winds down and the part of my job? You guys. Each think it was that pushed to lift
sun winds up, I encourage you to actively be and every one of you. I know the prohibition on dancing back
aware of your surroundings here at Baylor
my counterpart, Dub Oliver, in ‘96? It sure as hell wasn’t
(and no, I’m not talking about the zombies Rub Allova-her,
will say the same thing, but he Sloan.
again) and voice your opinions by whatever Life President of Student Vice
just doesn’t mean it in the same I’d love to stay, but I
means you can; this university exists for you.
PARTY!!! Let’s get down to way. You go to him with your have a meeting with Student
problems, you come to me for Government to attend that is
Forever yours, business. The business of stu-
your good times. That’s what desperately in need of some
dent vice! Oh yeah!
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Hate to break it to ya, I’m here for baby: building you body shots. Check you on the
Cunning Linguist Dub, but I’ve got the best job up by getting down. Life’s a flipside. HAY-YO!!
Dear Lorde Mayor
Dear Lorde Mayor, Dear Lorde Mayor, Dear Lorde Mayor,
Who’s television show is the perfect example Zombie or Human? Which one is it!? What do you want for Christmas?
of a despicably ignoble society? ~Shawn of the Dead ~Secret Santa
~William Jonathan Drayton Jr. Dear Tripp Price, Dear Baylor Regents,
Dear Flavor Flav, Neither. I’m a Greaser, through and through. What do you think? More tuition increases, no..
Yours. no wait!
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Dear Lorde Mayor, How the hell did you become Lorde Mayor!? Dear Lorde Mayor,
Hey buddy, I liked “The Flavor of Love!” ~Concerned reader/supposed writer Have you seen my new standup routine?
~Joe Baylor Dear me, ~Cosmo Kramer
Dear anyone who liked “The Flavor of Love,” Hell if I know. These DLMs are terrible, if I Dear Michael Richards,
You know what’s sad? So did I. say so myself (and I do). Stick to physical comedy, buddy.
theRope Breakingnews Page 3
Gay marriage legalized in South Africa Boyfriend scolded for
Snagglepuss reruns to be broadcast on Bravo not recognizing scent
Recently the Republic of South Africa, Snagglepuss plans on making fellow WACO - A local Baylor student was un-
a nation known for tolerance and socially pro- character and long time lover, Peter Potamus, able to identify the scent of his girlfriend’s new
gressive policies, legalized the practice of gay his future husband. Many fans were shocked by candles Saturday night after many hints.
marriage. Many homosexual South Africans this announcement. “Go ahead hun, the Pottery Barn candles
are overjoyed, but none more than resident gay “I don’t know why everyone is so sur- are over on the shelf. See if you can guess the
spinster, the famous Hanna-Barbera cartoon prised,” said Peter Potamus. “He’s a pink lion scent,” said Jessica Zucknution.
character, Snagglepuss. and I’m a purple hippopotamus. I think its pret- They were already firmly planted on the
“Heavens to Murgatroid! My day has ty obvious that we are gay. Just listen to the way couch watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
come,” Snagglepuss exclaimed. “For so long I he talks. Are you honestly shocked?” when the request was made.
had to hide who I was, but not any longer. I Inspired by the changes made in South “Does this involve me having to get up?”
can marry who I want now. Legally Africa and the bravery exhibited by Snaggle- her boyfriend asked.
even!” puss and Peter Potamus by being the first gay “Yes. Now go and guess what scent it
All of Snagglepuss’ fellow cartoon couple to wed, other characters is,” said Zucknution.
Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters have decided to make a push for “Is it Sandalwood?”
have made the journey to South Af- legalized gay marriage in the US “No. Try again.”
rica to show their support by attend- upon their return. “Oh, of course. It’s Lilac, isn’t it?”
ing his wedding. “Jinkies, it’s a great thing “No,” pouted Zucknution.
“For too long Snagglepuss that South Africa has done,” said [long and rather awkward pause]
has gotten no respect. No respect I Velma. “I can’t wait to get back “Try again, honey.”
say,” said Jabberjaw, drummer for home and start working on get- “Sex on the beach,” said her boyfriend,
international sensation The Nep- ting such a law passed in the US. giggling to himself.
tunes. “Now that he can legally It wont be easy, especially since “No! I can’t believe you don’t know
be married, he wont have to wor- Shaggy and Scoobs have made a what it is! It’s honeysuckle!” said an outraged
ry about licking himself anymore, mockery of cartoon rights by trying to Zucknution.
gnuk, gnuk, gnuk.” legalize pot and beastiality, but it be well “Sorry,” her boyfriend said. “It doesn’t
“I just wish there was this kind of worth the effort. I might not have anyone now, smell like honeysuckle to me.”
acceptance back home. It would make things so and I know Daphne is with Fred, but a girl can “That’s because you can’t smell any-
much easier,” said Race Bannon. “Dr. Quest and hope can’t she?” thing. Jeez,” said Zucknution. “And you let our
I have been together for years, but since we can’t So far all there have been no complica- love fern die!”
be legally wed, and the fact that the US frowns tions for Snagglepuss’ upcoming wedding and Her boyfriend returned the couch down-
upon our relationship, it made getting joint-cus- all are sure that it will go off with out a hitch. trodden, a failure. She plans on dumping him
tody of Johnny and Hadji a real hassle.” Snagglepuss added “Exciting, even!” later this week.
NoZe publishes article consisting solely of inside jokes
‘Get it?!’ exclaims an overly excited Brother as campus looses faith in group
In an attempt to tickle their “MAN, THAT WAS FUN- when Wally left his wallet at Health “I really don’t know where
own fancy, the Noble NoZe Brother- NY!” exclaimed Bro. Kurt VonNo- Camp and forgot to pick up a ba- this article’s going,” said Bro. Brea-
hood (East Waco Diocese (Satch!)) Zegut. nana-cream milkshake for his fish- kin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo.“But then
wrote an entire article consisting of Later that afternoon the stick glutted girlfriend. Not a pretty again, I’m just a guy with a hanker-
inside jokes for their latest edition Brotherhood was on a road trip when sight. Almost like a Dick van Dyke- ing for a good bag of orange slices
of the Rope. they spotted a man wearing a skull off after Latin class, not pretty. and a killer pair of L.A. Lights. Am
“Hey remember the time mask on his hog. After attempting “Trying to figure out the I right D-Dog!?”
when we wrote that great article to take a photo of the masked motor- point of this article is like a seven- When asked his thoughts of
about inside jokes?” Bro. TheNo- cyclist, Bro. NoZe Sequitur pulled fingered man trying to fire up his the article in question, Baylor junior
Zeous Monk asked. down his pants and screamed, “109 car and ride this train into the sun- Francis Cannon sighed and replied,
“Yeah, but it wasn’t as funny to base! 109 to base!” set,” Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm “I just don’t understand it. They
as the time that we did that thing,” Though the aforementioned Mott said. “Or trying to understand used to be funny, but now they just
Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott article lacked transition and consis- how turnip seeds could ever be con- fill their paper with worthless drib-
chimed in. tency, it wasn’t as bad as that time sidered a good conversation piece.” ble.”
Page 4 Campusnews theRope
Local Arab glad government is
protecting him from himself
Recent conflict between the United used to be back in the UK when there were prob- “That guy is such an Uncle Tom,” said
States and the Arab World has caused unneces- lems between British and US Irish,” O’Sullivan recent graduate, Michael Khaleq. “I know I am
sary suspicion and a considerable amount of ten- said. “He always said that it was similar to what prone to making mountains out of mole hills, but
sion with regards to America’s native Arab pop- I think I am justified this time. It’s bad enough
ulation. Amazingly, all these problems were put having to explain that religious extremism hap-
to rest today when Arab-American Bro. Samir pens with all faiths – such as the Ku Klux Klan
NoZeenanajar spoke out saying that he person- claiming to be a Christian organization – in the
ally couldn’t be happier with the current state of face of total federal intolerance, but to have this
affairs. guy giving blatant racism the thumbs up, that’s
“Look, we can all sit here and piss and just going too far.”
moan about how the US is handling the prob- Despite criticisms, Bro. Samir has stood
lems of terrorism, but I personally think they are firm.
doing alright,” NoZeenanajar said. “I’m just like “In the end, I’m just glad people are
the next guy; I can lose my temper from time to looking out for me and protecting me from the
time. Now I’m not saying that I am going to do ever-present threat of myself,” he said. “Hope-
anything crazy, but it’s nice to know that if I ever fully one day all this mess will be resolved and
got out of hand there would be plenty of honest- I won’t have to worry about what I might do to
to-goodness, patriotic Americans to take care of myself. With any luck, that day will come soon.
me.” And, in the end, peace between the US and the
NoZeenanajar has also taken steps to Arab world is inevitable when you look at the
warn people of when he might be becoming a facts. Green, the lowest level on the color-coded
threat to himself and those around him. threat spectrum is also the color of prosperity for
“Here’s what I do: I wake up in the morn- the Muslim faith. It’s perfect.”
ing and take stock of my mood. If I think I am Rope File Photo For now, Bro. Samir claims he will con-
going to have a really good day, I wear a green “I’ve been growing this beard since I was tinue spreading his message of tolerance for US
shirt. If I think I am going to have a really bad 4 years old. Impressive, no?” policy on the matter of Homeland Security and
day, I wear a red one. Then, of course, there are hopes he will win people over until we can all
other varying degrees of my mood, all of which live in a state of tolerable intolerance.
have a shirt corresponding to a color on the col- was going on now in the US, in that the two sides
or-coded Homeland Security Advisory System,”
could never really see eye to eye. That’s why
I’m so happy to see Samir make the best of it.” Holy Law#5
Random student Danny O’Sullivan, has
expressed a quite a bit of support for this Broth-
But not everyone is so happy with No-
Zeenanajar’s recent revelation. Other students dollars off any burrito,
er’s new cause.
“My dad has told me stories of how it
of Arab decent have become increasingly more
vocal in their protest of Samir’s ideals.
or something like that.
pizzeria and bar
We use only the finest of toppings.
703 N. Valley Mills 254.776.6776
theRope Campusnews Page 5
Christmas over to foliage
KOT MADD chapter upsettreewastedget lit
Baylor’s MADD chapter is upset af- black trim. People were really disappointed.” KOT has outlined a plan for this year’s
ter recent news that the annual KOT Christmas Baylor Dining Services has also raised tree which will guarantee Christmas on 5th
tree plans on getting lit during Christmas on 5th its watch level to “green” following an event that Street goes off without a hitch.
Street. Kappa Omega Tau has responded to the occurred in 2003. When the tree arrives it will be placed in
complaints by asking the tree to go through an a large, white straight jacket and painted green
accelerated week long alcohol and drug aware- and wrapped in lights. Ornaments will be coated
ness class at the Foliage Treetment Center, in adhesive and thrown at the tree to complete
specializing in substance abuse counseling for the initial phase of decoration. It will then be
Douglas Firs over 12 feet in height. blown with a large hose full of glitter and topped
“We want to make sure the tree is ready with a star. The final step is to attach a Hannibal
for the celebration,” KOT President Bulge Earl- Lector-style mask to the top to keep him from
son said. “The last thing we need is him sway- bending down and trying to bite his way out the
ing around dropping ornaments, looking down jacket.
ladies’ tops and shouting obscenities at small “It’s really a small price to pay for
children.” safety,” Cheeks said. “I don’t like it any more
KOT is trying to avoid a repeat of last than anyone else, but times have changed. You
year’s fiasco when the tree lost his flocking. used to be able to put them in a large tree stand,
“We specifically ordered a flocked tree tighten a few bolts and trust they would act like
for the event,” Earlson said. “but when the tree a good Christian tree should. Many trees in the
arrived, the flocking was mysteriously absent last few years have been fitted with a large band
from the tree, except for a small patch just above around the base with the initials WWRTD on it.
his mouth.” It stands for What Would the Rockefeller Tree
This year, KOT has taken extra precau- Do. He’s been a bastion of hope for the free
tions. The fraternity will conduct an extensive standing Christmas tree community for decades.
search of the tree by sending a pledge inside to I think the National Christmas Tree Vendors of
look for any illegal firearms the tree may be car- America are trying to get trees to return to those
Childhood shot of Christmas Tree. Even
rying. But they’ve learned to not too go too far good old fashion values.”
then he displayed a wild streak, as
with the search. evident by his unpruned limbs. Whether the KOT Christmas tree will
“One year Police Chief Jim Doak asked act appropriately remains to be seen, but Police
us to conduct a full strip search of the tree,” “We usually provide cider and hot choc- Chief Dim Joak and the rest of the Baylor Police
Cheeks Windburn, KOT’s social chair, said. “We olate for the event,” Dining Services Director Force are taking precautions.
began to prune back the branches looking for any Hambone Johnson said. “A few years back, the “I’ll be standing there with a flame-
illegal substances, but we got to the trunk and tree – don’t ask me how he was able to do this thrower in hand with an itchy trigger finger if
found nothing. It was kind of a Charlie Brown – spiked the cider. How do we know it was him? he makes a wrong move,” Joak said. “And if all
Christmas that year. In a moment of desperation, We found a flask the size of a salad bar thrown that decoration wards off the flames, we’ve got a
we all ran out and bought yellow sweaters with behind Old Main covered in sticky sap.” wood chipper ready to go.”
Tired of drunken Kappas ransacking your place?
Your source for off-campus housing info
Find a safe haven at Bear Cribs.
Page 6 Collegehelp theRope
So, you haven’t registered
The NoZe Brotherhood presents:
Tricks to get by
yet, have you?
Buy beer if you’re not 21
This one is a snap. Simply take a six-pack of
As part of our continuing “Please, don’t expel us” agreement with Baylor Uni-
IBC and switch out the bottles of Root Beer for six
versity, we here at the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) are proud to present the student
beers in dark bottles. From there you head to the
body with tips for the inevitable GPA saving registration process. To meet that important
self-checkout lane and your home free. Just make
12 hour enrollment requirement, we suggest adding a course from one of the eccentric
sure to double bag it and avoid eye contact with any
professors profiled below.
Free cigarettes Larry “The Cable Guy” Lehr
Unfortunately, this plan only works for brief Favorite story: “When I was a freshman at Tech, I tried to drink
parts of the year, so make it count. During rush, every gallon of beer and kiss every pretty girl…and I did!”
make yourself a t-shirt featuring the Greek letters Favorite student: “Eh, at the end of the day, they all look
of one of the larger frats. Then all you have to do alike.”
is find a pledge from the same frat and demand he Favorite activity: “When I’m lecturing I like to make complete-
give you a cigarette. Most of these groups are so ly ridiculous statements to see if anybody’s paying attention.”
large, the kid probably won’t even notice you aren’t Favorite joke: “My doctoral thesis! Hahaha!”
one of the brothers. This can also be used for food Classes: ENV 1301, ENV 4355
Getting laid...for free Richard B. Riley
No big secret here, just use those three mag- Favorite story: “There was a wicked man called Richard Nixon.
ic words: “My family’s rich.” It works for most guys He fed on the blood of peaceful protesters and a terrible darkness
here at Baylor, so why not make it work for you? fell over the land…”
Favorite student: “Alex Moorman, his opinions are hysterical!”
Free Toilet Paper Favorite activity: “I dabble in the blogosphere.”
All I’m saying is that when you go to the SLC, Favorite joke: “Compassionate conservatism!”
there aren’t any signs that say “DON’T steal an en- Classes: PSC 2302, PSC 3322
tire roll of toilet paper and sneak it out in your back
Free Toilet Seats Favorite story: “Someone asked John Maynard Keynes how he
The Science Building has plenty and, once predicted the Great Depression. Keynes slapped the man in re-
again, no signs. sponse and retorted: ‘the invisible hand.’”
Favorite student: “How can I discriminate?”
Free Dr. Pepper Floats Favorite activity: “Searching for the Sword of Immortality to
A little more complicated, but well worth it. slay the dragon that lives in the Federal Reserve.”
Start by taking a tour of the local Dr. Pepper bottling Favorite joke: “Monetarist theory? More like MORONetarist
facility and at the end, receive your free sample of theory!”
Dr. Pepper. If you bring an assortment of fake mus- Classes: ECO 1301, ECO 4322
taches, you can repeat as necessary.
To get free ice cream, look no further than
the cattle ranches surrounding the Waco area. Wait Steve Sadler
until nightfall and sneak into a pasture and milk as Favorite story: “There was this superhero called Jesus. The
Pope had him crucified, but Jesus came back like Superman.”
many cows as you need. Then use the milk to make
Favorite student: “God loves you all equally, but I am merely a
all the homemade ice cream you can.
man, and love some of you more than others. Forgive me.”
Once you have all the free Dr. Pepper and
Favorite activity: “Taking pictures of myself with my ol’ flash
ice cream, simply combine them together and you
powder shutter camera. Those color pictures just can’t capture
will have a free Dr. Pepper float. We suggest enjoy-
the subtle nuances of my beautiful mug.”
ing your free float at the SUB, Tuesdays from 3 to 4 Favorite joke: “Robert Sloan’s presidency! Burn!”
PM. Classes: REL 1310, REL 1350
theRope Ballyhoo&whathaveyou Page 7
The diary of a sportsman
My last expedition was a rousing suc- there will be no need for anyone to come to such Parking Garage I will find my second target. One
cess, I must say. I traveled for many days, stalk- a place any longer, for they could only see what must be a more than competent hunter to take
ing the beast all the while. Then, finally, I had they truly desire elsewhere. Balderdash, I say! down this mighty creature. You see the Social
it in my sights. The Forensics Major is tricky A man does not go to Africa to see Kudus and Work Major, just as its name would suggest, is a
game, always suspicious, always mindful of its Hyraxes, he goes to see the Elephants and Li- social animal. It sticks close by those of its own
surroundings, but it was no match for me. I fol- ons; so will people come to the land of Baylor kind. But being so far removed geographically
lowed it into a clearing, took aim, and with one for English and Sciences alone. from the other disciplines, how can you blame
fell swoop it was down. It made a fine trophy I will travel north to area surrounding it? In these times of peace, harmony and eco-
indeed. Texas State Technical College. Though far from nomic prosperity, I doubt anyone will miss this
Never before was there such a pros- major for there will be no counseling needed
perous hunting trip. You could say that last in the years to come.
year’s killing of the Telecommunications The last of my quarry for this trip, the
Major was greater, but I would have to argue Journalism Major, will be by far my great-
the fact, for what good was such a thing any est challenge, for I think it will be missed
ways. It never did anyone any good in the the most. As I said before, I have already
real world. claimed the head of the Telecommunications
Yes it is true that I have hunted some Major, and so by taking its counterpart, the
of the greatest majors in my day, but I still Journalism Major, I fear my dealings will be
have many a prize to claim. There are al- greatly frowned upon. Ah, but there is the
ways new expeditions to partake in and aca- rub, for when you eliminate the storytellers,
demic majors to hunt. there will be no one around to tell their sto-
This journey finds me venturing far ry. The irony is so painfully delicious I can
and wide about the Baylor area, hunting almost taste it.
ever more exciting game. Where before I Don’t think me a monster; I am a conser-
had only set about to hunt a single target I vationist at heart. By culling away the un-
have decided that this trip will find me bag- Lariat file photo necessary majors, I conserve money that can
ging a number of majors. Yes, this time I “You killed it!? You ponce! Now people will think I’m be filtered into benefiting those disciplines
will be leaving nothing alive, for why waste weird when I sex it up!” left over. Surely the land of Baylor will be
time with multiple trips when I could end it a beacon of light for Business, Science and
now? the so-called Baylor bubble, there is one major in the Humanities once the dulling qualities of un-
The locals claim that I have been blinded those lands I will surely call my own. Aviation necessary majors have been wiped away forev-
by my former successes. They say I have taken Sciences is a tricky breed. Flying all about it er.
too much already. The more vocal of their num- will take a steady hand to bring it down. No one Yes, if I can account for all my targets
bers have said that by killing too many majors, will miss this major because the world already and kill them, as I so desire, this truly will be the
no one will wish to come visit their lands. Their has enough pilots and, as far as I can see, flying greatest expedition of my life. Now I wait, for
argument is that if I finish off too many majors, has only gotten safer the last couple of years. only the days to come, and the absence of local
leaving only the more prominent species, that In the ground floor of the Business School protest, will find my efforts successful.
Trying to spice up your life?
Come to Clay Pot, our spring rolls
really really really wanna zigazig ah.
920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy 254.756.2721
Page 8 Nationalnews theRope
Not sure how to act on that date?
Scared of running off your future wife-to-be
because you’re not sure which fork to use?
Well, fear no more!
NoZe Brotherhood Following the news that Toys for Tots would not accept 4,000 one foot tall Jesus dolls this
Etiquette Tips: Christmas, retailers came to a startling conclusion and began throwing the dolls off the shelves to
Dinner Date Edition make room for other toys. The Rope brings you an exclusive interview with Toys R’ Us mastermind
Geoffrey the Giraffe to get the poop on the scoop.
• If you wish to be served with The Rope: Geoffrey, thanks for joining me today at Toys R’ Us World Headquarters in Africa
where giraffes can run free instead of being kept in cages like in America.
more tea or coffee, place your spoon
Geoffrey: Don’t forget that labor is cheaper here too.
in your saucer. If you wished to be The Rope: A true capitalist. Let’s get to the heart of the matter. Why were action figures taken off
served more booze, grunt noisily the shelves after news that the Jesus dolls were rejected?
until the waitress of your choice no- Geoffrey: The root of the problem is that Toys for Tots did not want to offend any families that
tices and tries to shut you up. were not Christian. So if a doll was shipped to a Buddhist family, what are they to do with
it? So the Talking Tree from FAO Schwartz and I decided to get together and talk.
The Rope: I still don’t see the religious figure – action figure connection.
• Never allow butter, soup or Geoffrey: Let’s take the Sylvester Stallone “Rocky” action figure which retails for $29.99 and
other food to remain on your whis- is available at Toys R’ Us stores nationwide and worldwide at toysrus.com. Suppose a child
kers. received the gift from his parents on Christmas morning and was excited to play with him.
When he grows up, who’s to say he will have muscles as big as Sly? I can’t guarantee that.
So I thought to myself, are we in the business of setting the bar too high and breaking kids
• Never make a great display
dreams? I don’t think so.
when removing hair, insects or other The Rope: So you’re saying you won’t sell anything that a child couldn’t feasibly grow up to be?
disagreeable things from your food. Geoffrey: Exactly. That’s why we took down the Geena Davis “Commander in Chief” dolls. We
Place them quietly in your mouth don’t want to disappoint Hillary Clinton.
and swallow whole The Rope: But how much of your business is selling action figures?
Geoffrey: Not as much as you might think. We make most of our money selling video game
consoles and systems for obscene amounts of money to men in their mid-30s. We also sell
• Use a napkin only for your a hell of a lot of those mini-Jeeps. You’d be surprised. (Lights cigarette)
mouth. Never use it for your nose, The Rope: Geoffrey, would you please mind watching your language. There are kids reading this.
face or forehead. If you must use it And put that cigarette out. Don’t you think you’re tarnishing the image of Toys R’ Us?
for your ass, rise only halfway out of Geoffrey: Didn’t Joe Camel teach you anything? Once the kids grow up, those that don’t play
video games won’t be spending any more money in our stores until they have kids of their
your seat so as not to appear rude.
own. That’s why I’ve been including a pack of Geoffrey the Giraffe’s Special Lights with
every purchase. They don’t contain as much nicotine as regulars, but enough to create an
• When decanting wine, make addiction to last a lifetime.
sure that you tilt the paper cup, The Rope: What brand do you smoke?
pouring slowly so as not to bruise Geoffrey: These are candy cigarettes. I don’t smoke. Those things will kill you.
The Rope: To be honest, I’m surprised by your candor. We print thousands of these things. Aren’t
the fruit of the wine.
you afraid people will boycott your store when they find out what you’re doing to the kids?
Geoffrey: No one will believe I said it, we all know Giraffes can’t talk.
• If drinking directly from the The Rope: So what action figures have you decided to keep on the shelves?
bottle, always hold it with fingers Geoffrey: We got rid of all the Spiderman figurines, but we’ve kept the Peter Parker ones. I figure
covering the label. If drinking from any kid can grow up to be a scrawny kid with a crush on a girl way out of his league. We’re
going get rid of Superman but keep Clark Kent because of the same reasons as above and
a box, remove the bag from the box
the fact that being a reporter is an attainable goal.
and fasten a la a colostomy bag. The Rope: What about getting those big keyboards like Tom Hanks had in Big? Kids love those.
Geoffrey: Correction, Tom Hanks playing a big kid in the movies love those. Our research
* When seated at a table con- suggests that kids love sitting on their ass and playing video games, not jumping up and
sisting of multiple forks, the smaller down on a large set of ivories.
The Rope: I suppose that’s why you are the most successful toy store in the world.
one is used to eat salads. It is wise
Geoffrey: Don’t patronize me. You know what, get the hell out of here. This interview is over.
to save the larger one for flinging The Rope: One last question before you go. If you were a tree, what kind would you be?
small food across the room. Geoffrey: Get out.
theRope Localnews Page 9
MCC baits inpatient Baylor Kappa Kappa Gamma
rampage at Texas
students with new degree ranger museum
McLennan Community College has add- Baylor’s campus. NoZe Brothers refuse to make
ed a new degree to its curriculum, and is hoping The heads of Baylor’s education school Chuck Norris joke
that new radio advertising will pick up a plethora and fashion school have yet to comment. How-
of fresh female Baylor students. The new degree, ever alumni of both the fashion and education Recently, Kappa Kappa Gamma hosted
an associates in non platonic committal conjugal school, as well as a level 4 quiver full member, a formal at the Texas Ranger Museum on the
relations, promises near comparable results to Penny Tucker made the following statement edge of campus. Reports state that an alcohol
Baylor’s own full bachelors in marital associa- on their behalf, “The quality of the degrees at fueled group of revelers let the crazy-go-nuts
tion with only half the required hours to gradu- Baylor will continue to attract full alumni sup- atmosphere of a sorority formal get the best of
ate, as well as promising guaranteed job place- port. We have doctors here for a reason and that them and did over $1,600 worth of damage to
ment with willing alumni. shouldn’t be forgotten by all those bright eyed the building.
The degree, being an associates, will al- young ladies.” “I’m just it didn’t happen here,” said
low students a more flexible social situation to In a recent interview Bethany Hayes, a Tom Dickson, an employee at the Texas Sports
increase job networking. Also of note is that the political science major with an MRS minor, stat- Hall of Fame. “We have the first ever George
degree is available at current fixed MCC rates of ed that she was “thrilled with an economic alter- Forman grill here, and as you can imagine, that
23 cents an hour as opposed to Baylor’s rates, native that would allow her to drop her minor.” thing is priceless. I couldn’t stand to see it dam-
which haven’t been static since the 1920’s. She went on to add later that money is a mitigat- aged by some rowdy kids.”
Program head, Suzie McSettled, has an- ing factor, and that although she finds the major- Many students have been making jokes
nounced that the recent raises in Baylor prices ity of the campus at MCC to be less than an ideal at the expense of Kappa Kappa Gamma, but not
has led way to an influx of new “special degree” place to apply her new skill set, she looks for- everyone is so enthusiastic about getting their
students. She stated that because of this recent ward to applying it back on Baylor’s campus. jabs in.
“A Chuck Norris joke? Absolutely not!”
influx of “talent,” the market has been set to al- Any students interested in the new pro-
said Cunning Linguist Bro. TheNoZeous Monk.
low the program’s success under budget. gram at MCC need only proceed to MCC’s web
“I mean, I get it. Texas Rangers. Chuck Nor-
MCC’s president and dean, John Keat- page A.S.A.P. in order to R.S.V.P. for the next
ris. But those jokes are about two years old and
ing, stated that although his associate’s candor round of the MCC MRS Associates degree.
they weren’t even funny then. Contrary to popu-
is good news, classic budget restraints aren’t an “Yeah I’m down with O.P.P.,” stated a lar belief, we do have some integrity here at the
issue. New federal grants, which give MCC real random student at MCC, unrelated to the arti- Rope.”
money, as opposed to the debt available to Bay- cle. MCC’s recent press release (available only Despite Bro. Fats DomiNoZe’s claims
lor’s body for purchasing, allows them to pay the in their student paper) has promised continual that the Norris joke “can’t be beat,” it would ap-
dancers/instructors in cash… a familiar form of alumni support as well, which is an interesting pear that, for now, the NoZe have no plans in the
reimbursement that comforts them with a cer- thought indeed. works to make fun of the Kappas for their formal
tain job security…yet another thing unknown on night shenanigans.
cards and comics
“I wouldn’t try that if I were you, Superman.
Everyone knows penguins can’t fly.”
Come to Bankstons for your non-avian
comic related needs.
1321 S. Valley Mills 254.755.0070
Page 10 Nationalnews theRope
Morriss guarantees NCAA championship next season
Lilley responds, ‘I may not be the new Secretary of Defense, but I’ll be danged if
we can’t we a championship this time around.’
After opening the season with a loss to posed to deliver a miracle.” “We generally start out with a few push-
his alma mater, TCU, and ending the season with Blake Szymanski was seen after the game ups, a few sit-ups and a quarter mile jog,” Mor-
a loss to Oklahoma, Guy Morriss announced that smoking a cigarette and eating an entire choco- riss said. “Then we have a coffee and donut break
he would guarantee an NCAA championship late cake. and undo the previous workout. Then we play
next season no matter what it takes. “I’m trying to fatten up for next season NCAA Football on the Playstation and see if we
“We’ve been pussyfooting around too so I can’t play,” he said. “People may complain can take down Ohio State, but we can’t even do
long,” Morriss said. “I’ve about Baylor football, but it in fake life.”
been here four years and I’m sure as hell not going Some graduating seniors are unhappy
we still haven’t had a .500 to be the face of failure and that they will be unable to reap the benefits of
season. I know some of false promises.” the new program.
you think I threw the game President John Lilley “What the hell? Now you spend all this
against TCU, and you’re thought that Morriss was money right when I’m graduating,” C.J. Wilson
plumb wrong. But I did bet showing great leadership said. “I demand some parting gifts since I got the
on the right team.” skills. shaft on this deal. If you think Dave Bliss was
The entire Baylor “Guy is just trying to set the only coach paying players, you are wrong.
community was shocked the bar higher,” Lilley said. You think I won’t name names? Try me.”
to hear such a bold state- “We’re not going to be- Sports fans are speculating that Morriss’
ment, but no one was more come a top-tier university promise is a last ditch effort to keep his job. His
shocked than the football if we can’t win half of our 5-year contract is up next season and the Bears
team who responded to the football games. He doesn’t invested a total $5.5 million in his contract.
comments with shortness of have an easy job and I know “I coached for 5 years at the University
breath and their faces buried how he feels. It’s hard to of Miami and gave them a bowl win,” former
in the locker room. Despair come into a job after a fail- Dallas Cowboys Coach Jimmy Johnson said. “I
filled the locker room. ing regime and return it to came to the Cowboys and won two NFL cham-
“Some of the fresh- “I use Vidal Sasoon #5... it’s a glory.” pionships. Guy may have what it takes on the
men girls out on the Bear special blend for winners.” If there’s one thing Bay- football field, but he’ll never have what it takes
Trail have better endurance lor is good at it’s throwing to get a mane of hair like mine no matter how
than we do,” a player who wished to remain lots of money a big problems, or in this case big much practice he puts in.”
anonymous said. promises. All incoming tuition next semester Either way, Baylor fans will still show
“We give it all we can out there each will be set aside to build a new football stadium, up to pack the stadium against Texas A&M next
week,” Quarterback Shawn Bell said. “I know I training facility, cafeteria for football players year in hopes that they might get to nibble on a
went down with a few games left in the season, only, a year’s supply of anabolic steroids and a crumb that has fallen from the mouth of a top 25
but I’ve been giving it my all. I just thank God large bribe payable to the NCAA. And the work- team eating from the smorgasbord of food placed
every morning that I’m not the guy who’s sup- out schedule will be a little more rigorous. before them on the table of victory.
Mr. PuZzle sez: 1. 2.
How many differences
can you find in these two
photos? (Hint: there’s at
theRope Morejunk Page 11
NoZe in the street badly injured in fatal car accident
Bro. Breakin’ 2: ElectricNoZealoo, whilst standing in the center of University Parks
The NoZe asks...
“What do you think of efforts made by a small group
Dr. late Tuesday night, was fatally struck by a Land Rover driven by Katy Sophomore of Baylor regents to undermine the 60 year old Bay-
Stephanie Petcork. Doctors, scientists, bakers, and the gang (Satch!) were at first pessimis- lor Alumni Association and replace it with the divi-
tic over his ability to ever dance much less live again until the Baylor Alumni Association sive groups Friends of Baylor, an organization formed
offered to fund his full and even enhanced recovery in exchange for some sign of respect. solely to support Robert Sloan during his final years at
“I was just voicing my opinion about Friends of Baylor when that behemoth of an Baylor?”
automobile tossed me like a prawn at a Beninhana’s,” said Bro. Breakin’. “Then that terror
of a female just drove off, front bumper besmirched with the fluids of my entrails, leaving “I think it’s great!”
me to die.”
The medical process was grueling,
but after many days of tinkering in his belly
and brain, and adding some super cool gad- Neal “Buddy” Jones,
gets like lasers and bionic body parts and Baylor Regent
stuff like that, doctors were able to assemble
one terrific kind of guy.
“It didn’t look good,” said Dr. Michael Palin- “Sloan leaves for
drome, Gynecologist. “And I had no idea why HBU and Friends of
I was called in to aid, but when the Alumni
Association got there and was all like, ‘Hey Baylor tries to take
guys, uh, here are some cybernetics we over? Coincidence? I
thought you might be able to use’ some of think not.”
the other doctors and the bakers started say-
ing things.” Dr. Longfellow,
According to Mr. Farthsworthing, not History Professor
at all a doctor but the janitor with an aptitude
for oration, those “things” said were, “Gen-
tlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the
gizmos. We have the capability to build the “Can you repeat
first bionic NoZe brother. Bro. Breakin’ 2:
Bro. NoZealoo version 2.0 (not to be
Electric NoZealoo will be that brother. Better the question?
confused with Carrot Top in his latest
act, Bionic Commando) than he was before. Better…stronger…better Clifford didn’t
Some claimed Mr. Farthsworthing had jumped the gun with such grandiloquent hear you.”
“Well, for one, he’s not stronger,” said Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut. “And for another Kelly Coleman,
thing he’s not better looking. He’s…what’s the word? Hideous. It’s a wonder the Alumni Editor in Chief, Lariat
Association funded such a ridiculous project, but then again, I suppose they’ve funded
more ridiculous things in the past.”
Nevertheless, Bro. Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo is pleased with his new bionic
body and will not stop telling people about how awesome he is.
“Ship shap pally wap, give-a-dog-a-bone. Jarvis! Where’s my pudding? Why, back “Well, to be
in my day a man could yell for pudding and be granted throngs and tankards of the deli-
cious delectable! You could yell for pudding and buy Sally’s songs and munch pickled
honest with you, I
cucumbers till the late hours and…Fish beard!? You can’t catch me, coppers, I’m the gin- couldn’t care less.
gerbread man!” said Bro. Breakin’.
Still, others are skeptical.
My dog is in the
“What I want to know is,” said Bro. LovePotion#NoZe, “What was he doing voic- Rope!”
ing his opinion out in the street? That there is a sure-fire way to get hit by a car, especially
one driven by a female, especially at Baylor, especially about Friends of Baylor, especially
at night and so on and so forth.”
This entire article was fabricated and Bro. Breakin’ has yet to show the Alumni As-
sociation any respect. But you knew that already didn’t you?
Page 12 Campusnews theRope
Greetings from Students for Social Justice!
This year, just as last year, and the year before, and despite a total lack of results, the organization Students for Social Justice has decided to send
the administration a large number of postcards that demand the wage rate for Baylor staff be raised. Since John Lilley will inevitably ignore the post
cards, the administration has been forced to think of ways to put them to good use. We here at the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) have come into
possession of a list of these potential uses and present them here to you today. They are as such:
1. Ignore them 3. Use them as a spirit lifter proving that if the administration raised pay they
would have to fire workers to compensate.
This option is fairly self-explanatory and With this, the President will simply take
currently the most likely choice. all the cards he receives and save them for a day
in which he is in a bad mood. On this day, he 4. Use them as toilet paper
2. Have a custodial worker throw them can take out one of these cards and under where Once again, this one is fairly self-explan-
it says “Students for Social Justice” he can write, atory but, to be honest, not much different than
away “totally sucks” thus making him feel a little bet- the previous options.
In this instance, the President will still ter. This plan is nearly perfect because everyone
completely ignore the cards, but will go one step knows that nothing makes you feel better when 6. Build a robot
further and order a custodial staff member, the you are in a bad mood than taking it out on some-
very person said cards are intended to help, to one else. Though this plan is somewhat far fetched,
carry them to a dumpster and throw them away. it is still a very real possibility. This plan calls
This plan has a slightly ironic twist be- 5. Make an economics book for the President to build a rudimentary papier-
cause the unfortunate custodial worker that is mâché robot that can be taught to do basic tasks
chosen to heave the postcard filled trash bags to This plan entails composting all the post- around the university. This robot will not need
the proper receptacle will more than likely strain cards and recycling them into new paper. This to be paid, thus making it the ideal employee for
their back in the process and, for the next few new, recycled paper can than be used to print an the university. Unfortunately this will cause the
months, their already meager pay will be devot- introduction to basic macroeconomics textbook university to fire its entire staff because they are
in which it will clearly state that raising the wage no longer of any use.
ed to paying off the exorbitant doctor bills they
rate will lead to a decrease in employment, thus
will incur as a result.
“Ron, for the love of God...
put a shirt on.”
with new duds
from Bear Cotton.
theRope Campusnews Page 13
Baylor officials take action to decrease ‘parking’ at Collins
Quotation marks give whole new definition to ‘parallel parking’
After decades of history happening in the so we tried to give them plenty of time to say Until the completion of the garage, Col-
parking lot beside Collins Residence Hall, Bay- their good byes,” Dean for Student Learning and lins girls are asked to be understanding and re-
lor officials have decided to put the lot to rest. Engagement Frank Shushok said. “People have sourceful. While visiting hours are still going to
They were sick of walking by parked cars with had unforgettable mo- be in place, CL’s have
steamy windows and rocking shocks at all hours ments in that lot; nights “Put anything in quotation agreed to act just as
of the day. Though Collins girls can learn the new there have instigated oblivious as they have in
fall colors and the account numbers to all nine of shotgun weddings in marks and it’s funny.” the past. But some girls
Daddy’s credit cards, they apparently cannot be some cases.” Bro. TheNoZeous Monk just won’t be happy un-
taught the decency to wait until sundown to get In place of Cunning Linguist til they can enjoy “park-
it on. the beloved parking ing” near Collins again.
“I’ve had talks with the girls about wait- lot, officials have chosen to erect a parking ga- “Yeah, I’ll probably take advantage of the
ing to engage in those kind of activities,” Resi- rage, which will be completed in August. Even twin bed provided to me by Collins Hall where
dent Chaplain Marquette Bugg said. “We even though they disapprove of the “parking” activi- my fore mothers have also made their mark,”
held our own True Love Waits (Until Dark) rally. ties, they’re realistic and know that Collins girls Collins resident Kelly Binning said. “But noth-
Several girls pledged not to use the parking lot will only stand for the absence of it for so long. ing revs my engine quite like my boyfriend’s ’85
until their nighttime cell phone minutes start- They’ll start doing their living and learning off- Bronco.”
ed.” campus if they are not provided with enough suf- After all is said and done though, Baylor
Unfortunately, too many residents kept ficient spaces on-campus. officials are positive students will be happy with
their anytime minutes plans, and Baylor officials “Campus Living And Learning wouldn’t the improvement. The previous lot only held
decided the parking lot had to go. It was shut allow us to completely discourage this popular 513 spots while the new garage will provide 784
down over the Thanksgiving break after students extra-curricular activity,” Shushok said. “So places to “park.” That’s 271 more happy couples
had left for the holiday. we’re just hoping to delay a few unplanned preg- serviced per night with the high possibility of
“We understand the needs of our students nancies until next school year.” even a threesome or two.
No cover 4 PM - 8 PM!
$1 drafts all night
Tuesday till Thursday
all drinks and beer $2 all night
(except top shelf and specialty drinks)
Tired of practicing your moves in Thursday
your room? Come to amateur night Amateur night!
and perform for a crowd! 641 Ruby Ave. -- one block from Valley Mills 254.772.9810
Page 14 Baylorcommentary theRope
The Nose by: NoZeoli Gogol
On the 27th morning of November, John Lilley, the president of a Disgusted, the nose turned and walked away from the stunned
moderately sized Baptist university, woke up and begun his morning rou- Lilley. Lilley hustled into the DPS office in hopes of having the nose
tine. He had made up his bed and wandered into the bathroom to catch a seized by the police, but before he could point the officer to where he was
good glimpse of himself. Upon looking at the mirror, he was bewildered just standing, the nose had vanished.
to discover that he in fact had no nose, but rather a smooth patch of flesh Hopelessly in despair, Lilley traveled back to his house and
where it had once been! Alarmed, he at once splashed his face with water wept.
to make sure he wasn’t still asleep; still, no nose. Panicking, he quickly “Oh, how can this be? If only it were a finger, or perhaps a small
got dressed and ran out the door to the university’s Department of Public piece of ear cartilage! But the nose? How horrific, one can have no sense
Safety, for lack of any idea where to run with such a problem. of dignity when he is sans nose!”
Now, before we continue, one must realize that this John Lilley He walked into his bathroom to catch a glimpse of himself in the
was a precarious sort of fellow. The university that he was head of had a mirror, hoping it had all been a bad dream. To his despair, the fleshy patch
rather notorious reputation for providing higher education to the masses still prevailed where his nose once held its home.
at an affordable price, and prided itself in its classroom oriented profes- Lilley had just settled into his pajamas when the doorbell rang,
sors. However, Lilley had an eye for the grand halls of collegiate top tier, and he ran to open the door, hoping something might come of it concern-
and was particularly vein when it came to the perception of his universi- ing his predicament. To his relief, it was a DPS officer.
ty. While he hadn’t even held this position for a year yet, his obsession to “It was you who lost your nose, was it not?” queried the officer.
become a Xerox of more prestigious schools had already led to increased “Why yes, have you found him?” Lilley became visibly excited.
tuitions and a shift in scholarly focus. One can then infer from this his “We sure have,” replied the officer, and he handed Lilley a small
general consternation concerning his now flat face. bandage containing his nose.
Walking down the street on his way to the Department of Public “We cornered it on the bridge on the far side of campus. I was
Safety, Lilley was careful to cover up his once-nose with a handkerchief, posted over there, and fortunately I was wearing my glasses and I rec-
as to maintain his dignity. He immediately stopped in his tracks upon a ognized him immediately as a nose, and not the jolly student that I first
rather strange sight. Right before him a limo sporting a collegiate seal took him for. After some considerable altercation (it can be quite hard to
pulled to the curb, and out stepped a gentleman wearing the official re- handcuff a nose, you know) he was seized and brought here, sir.”
galia of a University president. One can imagine the fright that overcame Lilley thanked the officer and bid him adieu, ecstatic about this
him when he realized that the person that came from the car was in actu- fortunate turn of events. He immediately sent for a doctor to come over
ality his own nose! It was clear from the appearance of the nostrils that it and reattach the nose at once.
was now the president of a top tier university. Upon arrival of the doctor, he surveyed Lilley’s face long and
Lilley had no idea what to think of such an incident. How was hard and glanced over at the nose, sitting on the tabletop. He picked it up
it that the nose that was once snug comfortably onto his distinguished and examined it for a few minutes. He then set the nose down and shook
face able to walk, much less preside over a university that had constantly his head.
outranked his? He was quite unsure of how to address his own proboscis, “No.”
having never thought to talk to it during his morning routine. “What do you mean, ‘no’!?” Lilley exclaimed.
“…Excuse me, sir,” Lilley started. “You better stay the way you are.”
“Why, hello there!,” responded the nose. “I was hoping I’d run Lilley was furious. “I don’t think you follow me, here! I am the
into you.” president of a moderately sized university; I can’t be nose-less! Can you
“Well, I don’t quite… it would seem..” Lilley stuttered, “Why is imagine the ridicule that I’d receive from the top tier colleges?”
it I should find you here? Do you not know your place?” “You must understand that if I were to attempt to reattach your
“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” the nose that your predicament would be much, much worse. You’d better
nose replied. leave it to the effect of nature herself.”
“I am the president of a moderately sized protestant university,” Lilley was struck by the doctor’s refusal to reattach the nose, and
said Lilley “as I’m sure you understand, it is quite ludicrous for me to be watched as the doctor packed up his stuff and headed to the door.
walking around my campus without a nose! While the president of some “I’ve tried to be of service to you, but it’s helpless if you ignore
third-rate school would be fine without his schnozz, I have prospects to my advice,” the doctor told Lilley on his way out.
turn this place into a top tier institution.” ***
“My apologies, I don’t follow a word that you’re uttering.” And then, without any explanation what so ever, John Lilley woke
“How is it not clear?! You are in fact my nose, and you belong on up on January 8th to the extreme pleasure of a runny nose. He darted to
my face!” stated Lilley with a new sense of poise. the bathroom, skipping the scale and with great satisfaction, saw that his
The nose was taken aback and scoffed, “I hate to alarm you, but I nose had mysteriously returned to its abode between his eyes.
am in no part you. Is it not clear from my fancy regalia that I govern over So take this for what it’s worth. Just know that such incidents do
a much more prestigious school than you?” happen in this world – rarely, but they do happen.
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tinkel Upharsin! Satchel on Brother
LongNoZe, Satch! BMMC! HRGS! BSSS! JLRC! Don’t call it a comeback, the Dems took
Washington in a coup uncouth, but with no holds barred took advantage of reputations broTheNoZeousMonk (7.5)
freshly scarred. We saw how the GOP staggered with Haggard’s fall from grace, a holy Lorde Mayor
man now banned hand in hand with the likes of Foley, the man banned for his engages broBreakin’2:ElectricNoZealoo (8)
with pages of all ages, quite a disgrace, yet downright commonplace. All that aside, those
politics outside don’t unite but divide. I say we decide to discuss the trouble in the bubble,
as disaffection for our leaders here is surely what our readers fear more than 8th street broNoZeSequitur
speeders or classmate cheaters. Last week’s turkey was good, but what gets my goose Cybersmitty
cooked is the Facebooked invasion of undead let loose and hooked by a thirst for armband- broLovePotion#NoZe (2)
ed banditos. As if there weren’t enough Abercrombie zombies on the scene, now I can’t
even get my fix of caffeine in the parking garage without two magazines of nerf arrows and Bored of Graft
handmade sock grenades cause I’m afraid to be belayed by a parade of the undead, or a broAbstiNoZe (6)
blockade of pre-meds on a crusade for brains. That game’s done, son. Outside of Penland broNoZeV.Wade (1)
there’s not much to be won by toting a giant plastic gun all day, but at least it’ll give your broMarlonBrandNoZe
maid something to see besides your new Wii or PS3 (hard to afford when you don’t make broKurtVonNoZegut (3)
a living wage). At this stage, on-campus postcards from SSJ saying “fair pay is fair play”
feels as last resort as a vote for Chris Bell. In a world where people never learn, it feels The Brothers
good to be a college student. Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Saaaaatcheeeeellissssssim-
Noble NoZe Brotherhood broCliff’sNoZe (5)
P.O. Box 612 Venerable Exiles
Elm Mott, TX 76640 broNoZeTableForOne
and a cast of thousands...
Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid
theRope Backpage Page 16
Nutrition major makes apple out of bong
Student discovers Pink Floyd, Chapel sync up
Whispers quickly filled the on freights from Mexico and Cali- the peer pressure of the forbidden isn’t legal, he’s had to resort to un-
virgin-free corridors of Memorial fornia. I’ve heard growers are even fruit. Although most will stay stal- derhanded skills in order to acquire
Residence Hall late last Thursday taking over land in Central Texas,” wart and despite the goading of them. “I’ve made them out of bongs
night. When asked to speak up, alarmed McCraw. “Students aren’t impressively successful television before, too. Heck, I even made one
they revealed that Krista Smooth- just ingesting them anymore either. ad campaigns warning against the once from tinfoil, a light bulb, a
fertner, a resident of room 298, had They’re juicing, too.” dangerous effects of “the sweet pill Pringles can, and a regular can. In
successfully built an apple from her However, Justin Mueller, that makes life bitter”, a select few that order.”
roommate’s bong. who asked to remain anonymous, will fall prey to the illicit drug that Smoothfertner, who you’ll
“It was pretty simple. Al- spoke out in favor of apple use promises to “quote” “keep the doc- remember from the beginning of the
most anyone could do it,” claimed a claiming that it was harmless fun. tor away”. story, claimed that her use was pure-
distracted Smoothfertner, who had Mueller, a known liberal, went on “Why would you want to ly recreational. For many other stu-
ingested the apple only moments to say that the apples’ “antioxidants keep me away?” asked local M.D. dents, however, apples will invari-
before the interview. “I’ve got the fight against cellular breakdown and recent Baylor Alum Nabeel ably lead to tougher fruits including
munchies hardcore for some Cheez- and it has Vitamin B to ward off Uwaydah. “I help people. An apple the passion fruit, pomegranate and
its.” Rickets.” We here at The Rope can should keep something bad away, the dreaded tomato which, despite
News spread to the admin- only assume that half of the words like leg-breaking monsters.” arguments to the contrary, is a fruit
istration and swift action took place in this deranged rambling are made- When reminded that we ask but is not in fact that addictive.
several hours later. Despite no one up, and that “fight[s] against cellu- the hypothetical questions around If you or someone you know
ever dying of apple overdose in lar breakdown” is hippie street lingo here, the good doctor quickly and is using apples, please get help, or
the recorded history of apple use, for “gets you high.” sheepishly returned to saving the at least some cinnamon and a slice
Bethany McCraw of judicial affairs Unfortunately for McCraw lives of countless innocents with of cheddar cheese.
expressed heartfelt concern for stu- and her ilk, the stresses of finals adequate insurance coverage.
dents who felt drawn to its seduc- looming over each student - late “I can’t survive having my
What do you do
tive chemical powers. night study-sessions, last min- parents here without them [ap-
“It’s just too accessible to ute panic-studying, and countless ples],” claimed Sophomore Tim when you’ve reached
today’s vulnerable teens. We all other typically unhyphenated tasks Conroy who went on to explain that the end of your Rope?
know they’re shipped into Waco - are causing many to succumb to since the “fruit of 1,000 visions”
Scruffy Murphys pub o’ the Irish
Tired of choking on bad bar food?
Come to Scruff’s and choke
on the finest.
1226 Speight Ave 254.753.0802