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					          The Rope
                                                                                                             A monthly, published sporadically since 1924




Vol. 82 No. 3                                           The only campus newspaper with the guts to tell it like it is                              0 cents/19.54 Canada


       THIS ISSUE
                                                   Democrats push for immediate pull out
                                                   NoZe Brotherhood get kicked off campus for making first Iraqi war sex joke
        On Campus                                  	        In	the	latest	election,	America	made	its	voice	 We’ve	been	saying	all	along	that	the	Democrats	are	
                                                   heard	 and	 sent	 a	 message,	 with	 resounding	 clarity,	 flip-floppers.”
 Controversy	amuck	regarding	the	ol’	              that	they	were	not	pleased	with	the	war	in	Iraq.		This	 	              Republican	 Congress	 members	 aren’t	 the	
 Christmas	tree	lighting............page 5         declaration	came	in	the	form	of	a	stunning	congres- only	ones	confused	by	their	opponent’s	message.
                                                   sional	      election,	                                                                            	     John	 Kerry,	 a	
 Baylor	to	cut	down	on	‘parking’	and	              which	 saw	 the	                                                                                   noted	 Democrat,	
 associated	delights.................page 13	      Democrats	        tak-                                                                             said,	 “the	 Repub-
                                                   ing	control	of	both	                                                                               licans	 keep	 saying	
 Diary	of	a	sportsman...............page 7         houses	of	Congress	                                                                                the	 only	 way	 to	
                                                   for the first time in                                                                              solve	this	one	is	to	
                                                   over	12	years.                                                                                     get	 more	 men	 into	
 Students	 assume	 Lilley	 actually	 lis-
                                                   	        With	 con-                                                                                the	 mix,	 but	 the	
 tens	to	what	they	say..............page 12
                                                   trol	 of	 Congress,	                                                                               way	 I	 remember	
                                                   the	 new	 Demo-                                                                                    it,	 they	 were	 hard	
         World News                                cratic	 majority’s	                                                                                on	 family	 values	
                                                   primary	        objec-                                                                             as	 well	 as	 being	
 Arab	 glad	 government	 is	 protecting	           tive,	 according	 to	                                                                              staunch	 opponents	
 him	from	himself.....................page 4       party	 leaders,	 is	 to	                                                                           of	gay	rights.		And	
                                                                                        “What	happened,	Doug?	I	thought	the	safety	
                                                   “pull	 out	 of	 Iraq”	                                                                             they	 call	 us flip-
 Snagglepuss	moves	to	South	Africa	to	                                                            word	was	‘Chattanooga.’”	
                                                   and	 “wrap	 up	 this	                                                                              floppers.”
 begin	new	life..........................page 3	   war.”                                                          	       Traditionally	silent	on	the	matter	of	US	wars,	
                                                   	        In	 an	 act	 of	 good	 faith,	 President	 Bush	 in- the	Catholic	Church	has	also	made	it	a	point	to	weigh	
 Exclusive	 interview	 with	 Geoffrey	             vited	new	House	speaker	Nancy	Pelosi	to	lunch	the	 in	on	this	new	agenda.
 the	Toys	‘R’	Us	Giraffe...........page 8          day	 after	 the	 election	 and	 expressed	 his	 interest	 in	 	        “Wrapping	 it	 up	 or	 pulling	 out…neither	 of	
                                                   hearing	alternative	methods	of	dealing	with	the	war	 those	 are	 really	 options,”	 Pope	 Benedict	 XVI	 said.	         	
 NoZe	 Brotherhood	 publishes	 inside	             in	Iraq.	                                                      “The	Catholic	Church	has	always	encouraged	strict	
 joke,	campus	in	shock.............page 3          	        “Pelosi	 kept	 saying	 ‘pull	 out’	 this	 and	 ‘pull	 abstinence.		In	other	words,	the	US	should	have	nev-
                                                   out’	that,	and	I	got	really	confused,”	President	Bush	 er been there in the first place.”
                                                   said.		“I	thought	she	was	the	distinguished	represen- 	                When	asked	for	comment,	University	Chap-
                                                   tative	for	San	Francisco.		Being	a	woman,	I	don’t	see	 lain	Byron	Weathersbee	said	he	agreed	with	the	Dem-
                                                   where	 pulling	 out	 is	 an	 issue	 for	 her	 and	 her	 part- ocrats,	but	insisted	on	playing	Devil’s	advocate.	
                                                   ner.”                                                          	       “As	a	Christian,	I	think	that	all	life	is	sacred,	
                                                   	        Like	their	new	speaker,	the	rest	of	the	Demo- so	I	am	opposed	to	pulling	out	because	it	is	just	an-
                                                   crats	 favor	 pulling	 out	 of	 Iraq,	 but	 they	 have	 seen	 other	form	of	contraception,”	Weathersbee	said.	“But	
                                                   some	resistance	from	Hollywood,	which	historically	 I	just	don’t	see	what	any	of	that	has	to	do	with	the	
                                                   has	been	their	biggest	supporter.                              war	in	Iraq.”	
                                                            “Personally, I find all of this new military 	                Bro.	 TheNoZeous	 Monk,	 Cunning	 Linguist	
                                                   jargon	confusing,”	said	Ron	Jeremy,	a	famous	adult	 of	the	Noble	NoZe	Brotherhood	(Satch!),	said,	“This	
                                                   film actor. “In my business, pulling out doesn’t save article	is	just	ridiculous.		We	haven’t	had	this	many	
                                                   face	at	all;	if	anything,	it	just	makes	a	bigger	mess.” sexual	 jokes	 in	 a	 political	 article	 since	 Bush	 chose	
                                                   	        But	Hollywood	isn’t	the	only	group	confused	 Dick	Cheney	as	his	‘running	mate.’”
                                                   by	the	Democrats’	theory	on	the	war.	Senator	Trent	 	                  Unfortunately,	 for	 now	 it	 would	 appear	 the	
                                                   Lott,	recently	named	minority	whip	for	the	Republi- Democrats	and	the	Republicans	will	not	be	able	to	
     “It	makes	me	sad	to	see	these	
     NoZe	Brothers	stoop	to	such	a	                can	Senate,	expressed	his	confusion	as	well.                   reach	 a	 compromise	 when	 it	 comes	 to	 a	 long-term	
    low	level.	They	should	just	pull	              	        “All	 I’m	 saying	 is	 if	 you	 wrap	 it	 up,	 then	 plan	for	Iraq.		Most	seem	to	agree	however	that	both	
       out	while	they’re	ahead.”			                there’s	 no	 need	 to	 pull	 out;	 it	 just	 doesn’t	 make	 plans,	pulling	out	or	staying	in,	will	cause	a	whole	
                                                   sense”	 Lott	 said.	 “But	 then	 again,	 it’s	 no	 surprise.	 lot	of	pain	in	the	end.
Page 2                                                        Opinions&nonsense                                                                                    theRope
A note from the
                                                         POINT                                   seconds	on	both.                          whole	 campus	 of	 students	 to	
   Cunning Linguist                                                                              	         I	really	wish	you	would	
                                                                                                 come	by	more.		You	know	the	
                                                                                                                                           worry	about	like	I	was	mother	
                                                                                                                                           hen.		And	before	you	say	any-
	          As	the	clock	marches	on	to	the	dead-                                                  best	part	of	my	job	is	you	guys.	    	    thing,	I’m	not	complaining,	I’m	
line,	I	sit	here	in	the	mansion	frantically	scrib-                                               Know	what	the	second	best	part	           bragging.
bling	down	the	remaining	Funny.	I	don’t	quite	                                                   is?	 	You	 guys	 again.	 	 Call	 me	      	        One	 last	 thing,	 if	 you	
remember	the	last	twelve	hours,	and	it’s	quite	                                                  corny,	 I	 don’t	 care;	 that’s	 just	    see	 a	 guy	 walking	 about	 cam-
probable	that	some	otherworldly	force	over-                                                      the	way	I	am.                             pus	 that	 looks	 like	 me,	 but	
came	me	in	my	sleep	the	other	night	and	in-                                                      	         I	know	I	caught	a	bunch	        wearing	 a	 Hawaiian	 shirt	 and	
tervened	in	me	to	produce	this.                                                                  of flack off of the whole Brooks          sunglasses,	 you’d	 best	 be	 ad-
	          As	 you	 may	 or	 may	 not	 be	 aware,	                                               Village	thing,	but	I	can	always	          vised	to	cross	to	the	other	side	
several	 things	 have	 been	 going	 on	 behind	                                                  take	 solace	 in	 knowing	 that	          of	the	street	and	avoid	contact,	
the	 scenes	 at	 this	 bastion	 of	 higher	 learning	    Dub Oliver,                             it	 will	 be	 an	 enriching	 learn-       because	 that’s	 not	 me,	 it’s	 my	
which	we	all	love	and	care	for.	This	semester	           Vice President of Student Life          ing	 experience	 for	 you	 guys.	    	    evil	twin	cousin,	and	he’s	prob-
alone	we’ve	had	another	raise	in	tuition,	a	big	         	       Hey	 you	 guys,	 how’ve	        It	 makes	 me	 feel	 as	 warm	 and	       ably	up	to	no	good.
controversy	 surrounding	 the	 tenure	 process,	         you	 been?	 	 Why	 haven’t	 you	        fuzzy	on	the	inside	as	I	look	on	         	        Having	 said	 that,	 I	
hidden	efforts	to	create	an	elitist	“college”	in	        stopped by my office for a cold         the	outside.                              would	like	to	say	that	I’ve	got	
place	of	the	once	great	Brooks	Hall	(Satch!),	           Dr.	Pepper	and	good	conversa-           	         I	really	wish	I	had	more	       the	greatest	job	at	Baylor.
rumblings	in	the	Board	of	Regents,	and	to	top	           tion?		You	know	I	promised	you	         time	for	you	now,	but	I	have	a	
it	 all	 off,	 a	 freakin’	 outbreak	 of	 zombies	 on	
campus.
	          As	such,	the	semester	is	coming	to	a	         	                                       at	Baylor.	And	you	know	what	             garden,	dig it!
halt	and	students	have	shifted	their	thoughts	           COUNTER                                 the	greatest	part	of	my	position	         	        You	guys	may	not	know	
to	either	how	they’re	going	to	stay	crunk	over	          POINT                                   is?	 	 The	 job	 security.	 	 Check	      who	I	am,	but	that’s	not	because	
the	winter	break	or	how	they’re	going	to	pull	                                                   the	 title	 my	 friends,	 that’s	 life	   of	any	lack	of	effort	of	my	part;	
their grades out of the gutter before finals. Ei-                                                president.	 	 That	 means	 until	 I	      the	 university	 has	 been	 hold-
ther	way,	you	should	take	a	lazy	Sunday	off	                                                     shuffle off this mortal coil and          ing	me	back.		When	they	were	
and	 read	 through	 this	 savory	 edition	 of	 the	                                              Spuds	 McKenzie	 whisks	 me	              coming	 up	 with	 Vision	 2012,	
award	winning	Rope.	Unfortunately	for	both	                                                      away	to	the	velveteen	walls	of	           I	wanted	to	make	the	13th	im-
of	us,	the	Rope	will	not	save	you	from	poor	                                                     Beerhalla,	this	job	is	mine	and	          perative	 to	 be	 mandatory	 pud-
decisions	(or	poor	grades),	but	perhaps	it	can	                                                  mine	only.		Word	up.                      ding	 wrasslin’	 for	 all	 students	
save	you	intellectually.	                                                                        	         What’s	 the	 second	 best	      and	 faculty.	 	And	 who	 do	 you	
	          As	 this	 column	 winds	 down	 and	 the	                                              part	of	my	job?		You guys.		Each	         think	 it	 was	 that	 pushed	 to	 lift	
sun	winds	up,	I	encourage	you	to	actively	be	                                                    and	every	one	of	you.		I	know	            the	prohibition	on	dancing	back	
aware	 of	 your	 surroundings	 here	 at	 Baylor	
                                                                                                 my	 counterpart,	 Dub	 Oliver,	           in	 ‘96?	 	 It	 sure	 as	 hell	 wasn’t	
(and	 no,	 I’m	 not	 talking	 about	 the	 zombies	       Rub Allova-her,
                                                                                                 will	say	the	same	thing,	but	he	          Sloan.		
again)	and	voice	your	opinions	by	whatever	              Life President of Student Vice
                                                                                                 just	doesn’t	mean	it	in	the	same	         	        I’d	 love	 to	 stay,	 but	 I	
means	you	can;	this	university	exists	for	you.	
	                                                        PARTY!!!	 Let’s	 get	 down	 to	         way.		You	go	to	him	with	your	            have	 a	 meeting	 with	 Student	
                                                                                                 problems,	you	 come	to	 me	 for	          Government	 to	 attend	 that	 is	
                    Forever yours,                       business.		The	business	of	stu-
                                                                                                 your	 good	 times.	 	 That’s	 what	       desperately	 in	 need	 of	 some	
                                                         dent	vice!		Oh yeah!
           Bro. TheNoZeous Monk                          	       Hate	 to	 break	 it	 to	 ya,	   I’m	here	for	baby:	building	you	          body	shots.		Check	you	on	the	
                 Cunning Linguist                        Dub,	 but	 I’ve	 got	 the	 best	 job	   up	 by	 getting down.	 	 Life’s	 a	       flipside. HAY-YO!!
              Dear Lorde Mayor
Dear Lorde Mayor,                                            Dear Lorde Mayor,                                         Dear Lorde Mayor,
Who’s	television	show	is	the	perfect	example	                Zombie	or	Human?	Which	one	is	it!?                        What	do	you	want	for	Christmas?
of	a	despicably	ignoble	society?                             	      ~Shawn	of	the	Dead                                 	      ~Secret	Santa
	       ~William	Jonathan	Drayton	Jr.                        Dear Tripp Price,                                         Dear Baylor Regents,
Dear Flavor Flav,                                            Neither.	I’m	a	Greaser,	through	and	through.              What	do	you	think?	More	tuition	increases,	no..	
Yours.                                                                                                                 no	wait!
                                                             Dear Lorde Mayor,
Dear Lorde Mayor,                                            How	the	hell	did	you	become	Lorde	Mayor!?                 Dear Lorde Mayor,
Hey	buddy,	I	liked	“The	Flavor	of	Love!”                     	        ~Concerned	reader/supposed	writer                Have	you	seen	my	new	standup	routine?
	     ~Joe	Baylor                                            Dear me,                                                  	       ~Cosmo	Kramer
Dear anyone who liked “The Flavor of Love,”                  Hell	if	I	know.	These	DLMs	are	terrible,	if	I	            Dear Michael Richards,
	     You	know	what’s	sad?	So	did	I.                         say	so	myself	(and	I	do).                                 Stick	to	physical	comedy,	buddy.	
theRope                                                              Breakingnews                                                                                Page 3
Gay marriage legalized in South Africa Boyfriend scolded for
             Snagglepuss reruns to be broadcast on Bravo                                                               not recognizing scent
	        Recently	 the	 Republic	 of	 South	Africa,	        	        Snagglepuss	 plans	 on	 making	 fellow	           	        WACO	-	A	local	Baylor	student	was	un-
a	nation	known	for	 tolerance	and	socially	pro-             character	 and	 long	 time	 lover,	 Peter	 Potamus,	       able	to	identify	the	scent	of	his	girlfriend’s	new	
gressive	 policies,	 legalized	 the	 practice	 of	 gay	     his	future	husband.		Many	fans	were	shocked	by	            candles	Saturday	night	after	many	hints.		
marriage.	 	 Many	 homosexual	 South	 Africans	             this	announcement.                                         	        “Go	ahead	hun,	the	Pottery	Barn	candles	
are	overjoyed,	but	none	more	than	resident	gay	             	        “I	 don’t	 know	 why	 everyone	 is	 so	 sur-      are	over	on	the	shelf.		See	if	you	can	guess	the	
spinster,	 the	 famous	 Hanna-Barbera	 cartoon	             prised,”	 said	 Peter	 Potamus.	 “He’s	 a	 pink	 lion	     scent,”	said	Jessica	Zucknution.
character,	Snagglepuss.                                     and	I’m	a	purple	hippopotamus.		I	think	its	pret-                   They were already firmly planted on the
	       “Heavens	 to	 Murgatroid!	 	 My	 day	 has	          ty	obvious	that	we	are	gay.		Just	listen	to	the	way	       couch	watching	How	to	Lose	a	Guy	in	10	Days	
come,”	Snagglepuss	exclaimed.		“For	so	long	I	              he	talks.		Are	you	honestly	shocked?”                      when	the	request	was	made.
had	 to	 hide	 who	 I	 was,	 but	 not	 any	 longer.	 	 I	   	        Inspired	 by	 the	 changes	 made	 in	 South	      	        “Does	this	involve	me	having	to	get	up?”	
can	marry	who	I	want	now.		Legally	                         Africa	 and	 the	 bravery	 exhibited	 by	 Snaggle-         her	boyfriend	asked.
even!”                                                        puss and Peter Potamus by being the first gay            	        “Yes.	 	 Now	 go	 and	 guess	 what	 scent	 it	
	        All	 of	 Snagglepuss’	 fellow	                               cartoon	couple	to	wed,	other	characters	         is,”	said	Zucknution.
Hanna-Barbera	 cartoon	 characters	                                        have	 decided	 to	 make	 a	 push	 for	      	        “Is	it	Sandalwood?”
have	made	the	journey	to	South	Af-                                          legalized	 gay	 marriage	 in	 the	 US	     	        “No.		Try	again.”
rica	to	show	their	support	by	attend-                                        upon	their	return.                        	        “Oh,	of	course.	It’s	Lilac,	isn’t	it?”
ing	his	wedding.                                                              	        “Jinkies,	it’s	a	great	thing	   	        “No,”	pouted	Zucknution.
	        “For	 too	 long	 Snagglepuss	                                          that	South	Africa	has	done,”	said	     	        [long	and	rather	awkward	pause]
has	gotten	no	 respect.		 No	respect	I	                                        Velma.		“I	can’t	wait	to	get	back	      	        “Try	again,	honey.”
say,”	 said	 Jabberjaw,	 drummer	 for	                                         home	and	start	working	on	get-          	        “Sex	 on	 the	 beach,”	 said	 her	 boyfriend,	
international	 sensation	 The	 Nep-                                            ting	such	a	law	passed	in	the	US.	  	   giggling	to	himself.
tunes.		“Now	that	he	can	legally	                                             It	wont	be	easy,	especially	since	       	        “No!	 	 I	 can’t	 believe	 you	 don’t	 know	
be	married,	he	wont	have	to	wor-                                            Shaggy	 and	 Scoobs	 have	 made	 a	        what	it	is!		It’s	honeysuckle!”	said	an	outraged	
ry	 about	 licking	 himself	 anymore,	                                   mockery	of	cartoon	rights	by	trying	to	       Zucknution.
gnuk,	gnuk,	gnuk.”                                                 legalize	pot	and	beastiality,	but	it	be	well	       	        “Sorry,”	her	boyfriend	said.		“It	doesn’t	
	        “I	just	wish	there	was	this	kind	of	                 worth	the	effort.	I	might	not	have	anyone	now,	          smell	like	honeysuckle	to	me.”
acceptance	back	home.		It	would	make	things	so	             and	I	know	Daphne	is	with	Fred,	but	a	girl	can	            	        “That’s	 because	 you	 can’t	 smell	 any-
much	easier,”	said	Race	Bannon.		“Dr.	Quest	and	            hope	can’t	she?”                                           thing.		Jeez,”	said	Zucknution.	“And	you	let	our	
I	have	been	together	for	years,	but	since	we	can’t	         	        So	far	all	there	have	been	no	complica-           love	fern	die!”		
be	legally	wed,	and	the	fact	that	the	US	frowns	            tions	 for	 Snagglepuss’	 upcoming	 wedding	 and	          	        Her	boyfriend	returned	the	couch	down-
upon	our	relationship,	it	made	getting	joint-cus-           all	are	sure	that	it	will	go	off	with	out	a	hitch.         trodden,	 a	 failure.	 She	 plans	 on	 dumping	 him	
tody	of	Johnny	and	Hadji	a	real	hassle.”	                   	        Snagglepuss	added	“Exciting,	even!”               later	this	week.


   NoZe publishes article consisting solely of inside jokes
              ‘Get it?!’ exclaims an overly excited Brother as campus looses faith in group
	        In	an	attempt	to	tickle	their	       	        “MAN,	 THAT	 WAS	 FUN-            when	Wally	left	his	wallet	at	Health	       	        “I	 really	 don’t	 know	 where	
own	fancy,	the	Noble	NoZe	Brother-            NY!”	exclaimed	Bro.	Kurt	VonNo-            Camp	 and	 forgot	 to	 pick	 up	 a	 ba-     this	article’s	going,”	said	Bro.	Brea-
hood	(East	Waco	Diocese	(Satch!))	            Zegut.	                                    nana-cream milkshake for his fish-          kin’	2	Electric	Boogaloo.“But	then	
wrote	an	entire	article	consisting	of	        	        Later	 that	 afternoon	 the	      stick	glutted	girlfriend.	Not	a	pretty	     again,	I’m	just	a	guy	with	a	hanker-
inside	 jokes	 for	 their	 latest	 edition	   Brotherhood	was	on	a	road	trip	when	       sight.	Almost	like	a	Dick	van	Dyke-         ing	for	a	good	bag	of	orange	slices	
of	the	Rope.	                                 they	spotted	a	man	wearing	a	skull	        off	after	Latin	class,	not	pretty.          and	a	killer	pair	of	L.A.	Lights.	Am	
	        “Hey	 remember	 the	 time	           mask	on	his	hog.		After	attempting	                “Trying to figure out the           I	right	D-Dog!?”
when	 we	 wrote	 that	 great	 article	        to	take	a	photo	of	the	masked	motor-       point	of	this	article	is	like	a	seven-      	        When	asked	his	thoughts	of	
about	 inside	 jokes?”	 Bro.	 TheNo-          cyclist,	 Bro.	 NoZe	 Sequitur	 pulled	    fingered man trying to fire up his          the	article	in	question,	Baylor	junior	
Zeous	Monk	asked.	                            down	his	pants	and	screamed,	“109	         car	and	ride	this	train	into	the	sun-       Francis	Cannon	sighed	and	replied,	
	        “Yeah,	but	it	wasn’t	as	funny	       to	base!	109	to	base!”                     set,”	Bro.	Fear	and	NoZeing	in	Elm	         “I	 just	 don’t	 understand	 it.	 They	
as	the	time	that	we	did	that	thing,”	         	        Though	the	aforementioned	        Mott	said.	“Or	trying	to	understand	        used	to	be	funny,	but	now	they	just	
Bro.	Fear	and	NoZeing	in	Elm	Mott	            article	lacked	transition	and	consis-      how	turnip	seeds	could	ever	be	con-         fill their paper with worthless drib-
chimed	in.	                                   tency,	it	wasn’t	as	bad	as	that	time	      sidered	a	good	conversation	piece.”         ble.”
Page 4                                                                  Campusnews                                                                            theRope

 Local Arab glad government is
  protecting him from himself
          Recent conflict between the United                 used	to	be	back	in	the	UK	when	there	were	prob- 	                 “That	 guy	 is	 such	 an	 Uncle	 Tom,”	 said	
States	and	the	Arab	World	has	caused	unneces-                lems	between	British	and	US	Irish,”	O’Sullivan	 recent	graduate,	Michael	Khaleq.		“I	know	I	am	
sary	suspicion	and	a	considerable	amount	of	ten-             said.		“He	always	said	that	it	was	similar	to	what	 prone	to	making	mountains	out	of	mole	hills,	but	
sion	with	regards	to	America’s	native	Arab	pop-                                                                       I think I am justified this time. It’s bad enough
ulation.	Amazingly,	all	these	problems	were	put	                                                                      having	to	explain	that	religious	extremism	hap-
to	 rest	 today	 when	Arab-American	 Bro.	 Samir	                                                                     pens	with	all	faiths	–	such	as	the	Ku	Klux	Klan	
NoZeenanajar	spoke	out	saying	that	he	person-                                                                         claiming	to	be	a	Christian	organization	–	in	the	
ally	couldn’t	be	happier	with	the	current	state	of	                                                                   face	of	total	federal	intolerance,	but	to	have	this	
affairs.                                                                                                              guy	giving	blatant	racism	the	thumbs	up,	that’s	
	         “Look,	 we	 can	 all	 sit	 here	 and	 piss	 and	                                                            just	going	too	far.”
moan	 about	 how	 the	 US	 is	 handling	 the	 prob-                                                                   	        Despite	criticisms,	Bro.	Samir	has	stood	
lems	of	terrorism,	but	I	personally	think	they	are	                                                                   firm.
doing	alright,”	NoZeenanajar	said.		“I’m	just	like	                                                                   	        “In	 the	 end,	 I’m	 just	 glad	 people	 are	
the	next	guy;	I	can	lose	my	temper	from	time	to	                                                                      looking	out	for	me	and	protecting	me	from	the	
time.		Now	I’m	not	saying	that	I	am	going	to	do	                                                                      ever-present	threat	of	myself,”	he	said.		“Hope-
anything	crazy,	but	it’s	nice	to	know	that	if	I	ever	                                                                 fully	one	day	all	this	mess	will	be	resolved	and	
got	out	of	hand	there	would	be	plenty	of	honest-                                                                      I	won’t	have	to	worry	about	what	I	might	do	to	
to-goodness,	patriotic	Americans	to	take	care	of	                                                                     myself.		With	any	luck,	that	day	will	come	soon.	      	
me.”                                                                                                                  And,	in	the	end,	peace	between	the	US	and	the	
	         NoZeenanajar	 has	 also	 taken	 steps	 to	                                                                  Arab	 world	 is	 inevitable	 when	 you	 look	 at	 the	
warn	 people	 of	 when	 he	 might	 be	 becoming	 a	                                                                   facts.		Green,	the	lowest	level	on	the	color-coded	
threat	to	himself	and	those	around	him.                                                                               threat	spectrum	is	also	the	color	of	prosperity	for	
	         “Here’s	what	I	do:	I	wake	up	in	the	morn-                                                                   the	Muslim	faith.		It’s	perfect.”
ing	and	take	stock	of	my	mood.		If	I	think	I	am	                                              Rope File Photo         	        For	now,	Bro.	Samir	claims	he	will	con-
going	to	have	a	really	good	day,	I	wear	a	green	               “I’ve	been	growing	this	beard	since	I	was	             tinue	spreading	his	message	of	tolerance	for	US	
shirt.		If	I	think	I	am	going	to	have	a	really	bad	            4	years	old.	Impressive,	no?”                          policy	on	the	matter	of	Homeland	Security	and	
day,	I	wear	a	red	one.		Then,	of	course,	there	are	                                                                   hopes	 he	 will	 win	 people	 over	 until	 we	 can	 all	
other	varying	degrees	of	my	mood,	all	of	which	                                                                       live	in	a	state	of	tolerable	intolerance.		
have	a	shirt	corresponding	to	a	color	on	the	col-            was	going	on	now	in	the	US,	in	that	the	two	sides	
or-coded	Homeland	Security	Advisory	System,”	
he	said.
                                                             could	 never	 really	 see	 eye	 to	 eye.	 	 That’s	 why	
                                                             I’m	so	happy	to	see	Samir	make	the	best	of	it.”                 Holy Law#5	
	         Random	 student	 Danny	 O’Sullivan,	 has	
expressed	a	quite	a	bit	of	support	for	this	Broth-
                                                             	       But	 not	 everyone	 is	 so	 happy	 with	 No-
                                                             Zeenanajar’s	 recent	 revelation.	 	 Other	 students	      dollars	off	any	burrito,	
er’s	new	cause.
	         “My	 dad	 has	 told	 me	 stories	 of	 how	 it	
                                                             of	Arab	decent	have	become	increasingly	more	
                                                             vocal	in	their	protest	of	Samir’s	ideals.
                                                                                                                        or	something	like	that.	


                                                                                Poppa Rollo’s
                                                                                  pizzeria and bar
                                                                                  We use only the finest of toppings.

                                                                             703 N. Valley Mills                                                254.776.6776
theRope                                                               Campusnews                                                                               Page 5

             Christmas over to foliage
      KOT MADD chapter upsettreewastedget lit
      Baylor
	        Baylor’s	 MADD	 chapter	 is	 upset	 af-            black	trim.	People	were	really	disappointed.”           	        KOT	has	outlined	a	plan	for	this	year’s	
ter	recent	news	that	the	annual	KOT	Christmas	              	       Baylor	 Dining	 Services	 has	 also	 raised	    tree	 which	 will	 guarantee	 Christmas	 on	 5th	
tree	plans	on	getting	lit	during	Christmas	on	5th	          its	watch	level	to	“green”	following	an	event	that	     Street	goes	off	without	a	hitch.	
Street.	Kappa	Omega	Tau	has	responded	to	the	               occurred	in	2003.	                                      	        When	the	tree	arrives	it	will	be	placed	in	
complaints	by	asking	the	tree	to	go	through	an	             	       	                                               a	large,	white	straight	jacket	and	painted	green	
accelerated	week	long	alcohol	and	drug	aware-                                                                       and	wrapped	in	lights.	Ornaments	will	be	coated	
ness	 class	 at	 the	 Foliage	 Treetment	 Center,	                                                                  in	adhesive	and	thrown	at	the	tree	to	complete	
specializing	 in	 substance	 abuse	 counseling	 for	                                                                the	 initial	 phase	 of	 decoration.	 It	 will	 then	 be	
Douglas	Firs	over	12	feet	in	height.	                                                                               blown	with	a	large	hose	full	of	glitter	and	topped	
	        “We	want	to	make	sure	the	tree	is	ready	                                                                   with a star. The final step is to attach a Hannibal
for	the	celebration,”	KOT	President	Bulge	Earl-                                                                     Lector-style	 mask	 to	 the	 top	 to	 keep	 him	 from	
son	said.	“The	last	thing	we	need	is	him	sway-                                                                      bending	down	and	trying	to	bite	his	way	out	the	
ing	 around	 dropping	 ornaments,	 looking	 down	                                                                   jacket.	
ladies’	 tops	 and	 shouting	 obscenities	 at	 small	                                                               	        “It’s	 really	 a	 small	 price	 to	 pay	 for	
children.”                                                                                                          safety,”	 Cheeks	 said.	 “I	 don’t	 like	 it	 any	 more	
	        KOT	 is	 trying	 to	 avoid	 a	 repeat	 of	 last	                                                           than	anyone	else,	but	times	have	changed.	You	
year’s fiasco when the tree lost his flocking.                                                                      used	to	be	able	to	put	them	in	a	large	tree	stand,	
         “We specifically ordered a flocked tree                                                                    tighten	a	few	bolts	and	trust	they	would	act	like	
for	the	event,”	Earlson	said.	“but	when	the	tree	                                                                   a	good	Christian	tree	should.	Many	trees	in	the	
arrived, the flocking was mysteriously absent                                                                       last few years have been fitted with a large band
from	the	tree,	except	for	a	small	patch	just	above	                                                                 around	the	base	with	the	initials	WWRTD	on	it.	
his	mouth.”                                                                                                         It	 stands	 for	What	Would	 the	 Rockefeller	Tree	
	        This	year,	KOT	has	taken	extra	precau-                                                                     Do.	 He’s	 been	 a	 bastion	 of	 hope	 for	 the	 free	
tions.	 The	 fraternity	 will	 conduct	 an	 extensive	                                                              standing	Christmas	tree	community	for	decades.	
search	of	the	tree	by	sending	a	pledge	inside	to	                                                                   I	think	the	National	Christmas	Tree	Vendors	of	
look for any illegal firearms the tree may be car-                                                                  America	are	trying	to	get	trees	to	return	to	those	
                                                                Childhood	shot	of	Christmas	Tree.	Even	
rying.	But	they’ve	learned	to	not	too	go	too	far	                                                                   good	old	fashion	values.”
                                                                  then	he	displayed		a	wild	streak,	as	
with	the	search.                                                    evident	by	his	unpruned	limbs.	                 	        Whether	 the	 KOT	 Christmas	 tree	 will	
	        “One	year	Police	Chief	Jim	Doak	asked	                                                                     act	appropriately	remains	to	be	seen,	but	Police	
us	 to	 conduct	 a	 full	 strip	 search	 of	 the	 tree,”	   	        “We	usually	provide	cider	and	hot	choc-        Chief	Dim	Joak	and	the	rest	of	the	Baylor	Police	
Cheeks	Windburn,	KOT’s	social	chair,	said.	“We	             olate	 for	 the	 event,”	 Dining	 Services	 Director	   Force	are	taking	precautions.	
began	to	prune	back	the	branches	looking	for	any	           Hambone	Johnson	said.	“A	few	years	back,	the	                    “I’ll be standing there with a flame-
illegal	 substances,	 but	 we	 got	 to	 the	 trunk	 and	    tree	–	don’t	ask	me	how	he	was	able	to	do	this	         thrower in hand with an itchy trigger finger if
found	 nothing.	 It	 was	 kind	 of	 a	 Charlie	Brown	       –	spiked	the	cider.	How	do	we	know	it	was	him?	         he	makes	a	wrong	move,”	Joak	said.	“And	if	all	
Christmas	that	year.	In	a	moment	of	desperation,	           We found a flask the size of a salad bar thrown         that decoration wards off the flames, we’ve got a
we	all	ran	out	and	bought	yellow	sweaters	with	             behind	Old	Main	covered	in	sticky	sap.”                 wood	chipper	ready	to	go.”				




      Tired	of	drunken	Kappas	ransacking	your	place?	
                                                                                                         www.bearcribs.com
                                                                                                 Your source for off-campus housing info
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Page 6                                                    Collegehelp                                                                    theRope

                  So, you haven’t registered
 The NoZe Brotherhood presents:
 Tricks to get by
                  yet, have you?
Buy beer if you’re not 21
       This one is a snap. Simply take a six-pack of
                                                          	       As	part	of	our	continuing	“Please,	don’t	expel	us”	agreement	with	Baylor	Uni-
IBC and switch out the bottles of Root Beer for six
                                                          versity,	we	here	at	the	Noble	NoZe	Brotherhood	(Satch!)	are	proud	to	present	the	student	
beers in dark bottles. From there you head to the
                                                          body	with	tips	for	the	inevitable	GPA	saving	registration	process.	To	meet	that	important	
self-checkout lane and your home free. Just make
                                                          12	hour	enrollment	requirement,	we	suggest	adding	a	course	from	one	of	the	eccentric	
sure to double bag it and avoid eye contact with any
                                                          professors profiled below.
store employees.

Free cigarettes                                                                   Larry	“The	Cable	Guy”	Lehr
        Unfortunately, this plan only works for brief                             Favorite story:	“When	I	was	a	freshman	at	Tech,	I	tried	to	drink	
parts of the year, so make it count. During rush,                                 every	gallon	of	beer	and	kiss	every	pretty	girl…and	I	did!”
make yourself a t-shirt featuring the Greek letters                               Favorite student:	 “Eh,	 at	 the	 end	 of	 the	 day,	 they	 all	 look	
of one of the larger frats. Then all you have to do                               alike.”
is find a pledge from the same frat and demand he                                 Favorite activity:	“When	I’m	lecturing	I	like	to	make	complete-
give you a cigarette. Most of these groups are so                                 ly	ridiculous	statements	to	see	if	anybody’s	paying	attention.”
large, the kid probably won’t even notice you aren’t                              Favorite joke:	“My	doctoral	thesis!	Hahaha!”
one of the brothers. This can also be used for food                               Classes:	ENV	1301,	ENV	4355
and dip.

Getting laid...for free                                                                           Richard	B.	Riley
       No big secret here, just use those three mag-      Favorite story:	“There	was	a	wicked	man	called	Richard	Nixon.	
ic words: “My family’s rich.” It works for most guys      He	fed	on	the	blood	of	peaceful	protesters	and	a	terrible	darkness	
here at Baylor, so why not make it work for you?                                                      fell	over	the	land…”
                                                          Favorite student:	“Alex	Moorman,	his	opinions	are	hysterical!”
Free Toilet Paper                                                        Favorite activity:	“I	dabble	in	the	blogosphere.”
         All I’m saying is that when you go to the SLC,                     Favorite joke:	“Compassionate	conservatism!”
there aren’t any signs that say “DON’T steal an en-                                         Classes:	PSC	2302,	PSC	3322	
tire roll of toilet paper and sneak it out in your back
pack.”
                                                                                   Kent	Gilbreath
Free Toilet Seats                                                                  Favorite story:	“Someone	asked	John	Maynard	Keynes	how	he	
       The Science Building has plenty and, once                                   predicted	the	Great	Depression.	Keynes	slapped	the	man	in	re-
again, no signs.                                                                   sponse	and	retorted:	‘the	invisible	hand.’”
                                                                                   Favorite student:	“How	can	I	discriminate?”
Free Dr. Pepper Floats                                                             Favorite activity:	“Searching	for	the	Sword	of	Immortality	to	
         A little more complicated, but well worth it.                             slay	the	dragon	that	lives	in	the	Federal	Reserve.”
Start by taking a tour of the local Dr. Pepper bottling                            Favorite joke:	 “Monetarist	 theory?	 More	 like	 MORONetarist	
facility and at the end, receive your free sample of                               theory!”
Dr. Pepper. If you bring an assortment of fake mus-                                Classes:	ECO	1301,	ECO	4322	
taches, you can repeat as necessary.
         To get free ice cream, look no further than
the cattle ranches surrounding the Waco area. Wait                                                       Steve	Sadler	
until nightfall and sneak into a pasture and milk as          Favorite story:	“There	was	this	superhero	called	Jesus.	The	
                                                            Pope had him crucified, but Jesus came back like Superman.”
many cows as you need. Then use the milk to make
                                                          Favorite student:	“God	loves	you	all	equally,	but	I	am	merely	a	
all the homemade ice cream you can.
                                                               man,	and	love	some	of	you	more	than	others.	Forgive	me.”
         Once you have all the free Dr. Pepper and
                                                           Favorite activity: “Taking pictures of myself with my ol’ flash
ice cream, simply combine them together and you
                                                            powder	shutter	camera.	Those	color	pictures	just	can’t	capture	
will have a free Dr. Pepper float. We suggest enjoy-
                                                                                the	subtle	nuances	of	my	beautiful	mug.”
ing your free float at the SUB, Tuesdays from 3 to 4                  Favorite joke:	“Robert	Sloan’s	presidency!	Burn!”
PM.                                                                                        Classes:	REL	1310,	REL	1350
theRope                                              Ballyhoo&whathaveyou                                                                                      Page 7

                             The diary of a sportsman
	        My	 last	 expedition	 was	 a	 rousing	 suc- there	will	be	no	need	for	anyone	to	come	to	such	 Parking Garage I will find my second target. One
cess,	I	must	say.		I	traveled	for	many	days,	stalk- a	place	any	longer,	for	they	could	only	see	what	 must	 be	 a	 more	 than	 competent	 hunter	 to	 take	
ing the beast all the while. Then, finally, I had they	truly	desire	elsewhere.		Balderdash,	I	say!	 down	this	mighty	creature.		You	see	the	Social	
                                                                                                                 	
it	 in	 my	 sights.	 	 The	 Forensics	 Major	 is	 tricky	 A	man	does	not	go	to	Africa	to	see	Kudus	and	 Work	Major,	just	as	its	name	would	suggest,	is	a	
game,	always	suspicious,	always	mindful	of	its	 Hyraxes,	 he	 goes	 to	 see	 the	 Elephants	 and	 Li- social	animal.		It	sticks	close	by	those	of	its	own	
surroundings,	but	it	was	no	match	for	me.		I	fol- ons;	so	will	people	come	to	the	land	of	Baylor	 kind.	 But	 being	 so	 far	 removed	 geographically	
lowed	it	into	a	clearing,	took	aim,	and	with	one	 for	English	and	Sciences	alone.                                  from	 the	 other	 disciplines,	 how	 can	 you	 blame	
fell swoop it was down. It made a fine trophy 	                   I	 will	 travel	 north	 to	 area	 surrounding	 it?	 	 In	 these	 times	 of	 peace,	 harmony	 and	 eco-
indeed.                                                   Texas	State	Technical	College.		Though	far	from	 nomic	prosperity,	I	doubt	anyone	will	miss	this	
	        Never	before	was	there	such	a	pros-                                                                            major	for	there	will	be	no	counseling	needed	
perous	hunting	trip.		You	could	say	that	last	                                                                          in	the	years	to	come.
year’s	 killing	 of	 the	 Telecommunications	                                                                           	 The	 last	 of	 my	 quarry	 for	 this	 trip,	 the	
Major	was	greater,	but	I	would	have	to	argue	                                                                           Journalism	Major,	will	be	by	far	my	great-
the	fact,	for	what	good	was	such	a	thing	any	                                                                           est	 challenge,	 for	 I	 think	 it	 will	 be	 missed	
ways.		It	never	did	anyone	any	good	in	the	                                                                             the	 most.	 	As	 I	 said	 before,	 I	 have	 already	
real	world.                                                                                                             claimed	the	head	of	the	Telecommunications	
	        Yes	it	is	true	that	I	have	hunted	some	                                                                        Major,	and	so	by	taking	its	counterpart,	the	
of	the	greatest	majors	in	my	day,	but	I	still	                                                                          Journalism	Major,	I	fear	my	dealings	will	be	
have	 many	 a	 prize	 to	 claim.	 	There	 are	 al-                                                                      greatly	frowned	upon.		Ah,	but	there	is	the	
ways	new	expeditions	to	partake	in	and	aca-                                                                             rub,	for	when	you	eliminate	the	storytellers,	
demic	majors	to	hunt.                                                                                                   there	will	be	no	one	around	to	tell	their	sto-
         This journey finds me venturing far                                                                            ry.		The	irony	is	so	painfully	delicious	I	can	
and	 wide	 about	 the	 Baylor	 area,	 hunting	                                                                          almost	taste	it.		
ever	 more	 exciting	 game.	 	 Where	 before	 I	                                                                        	 Don’t	think	me	a	monster;	I	am	a	conser-
had	only	set	about	to	hunt	a	single	target	I	                                                                           vationist	at	heart.		By	culling	away	the	un-
have decided that this trip will find me bag-                                                      Lariat file photo necessary	majors,	I	conserve	money	that	can	
ging	 a	 number	 of	 majors.	 	Yes,	 this	 time	 I	 “You killed it!?	You	ponce!	Now	people	will	think	I’m	 be filtered into benefiting those disciplines
will	be	leaving	nothing	alive,	for	why	waste	 weird	when	I	sex	it	up!”                                                  left	over.		Surely	the	land	of	Baylor	will	be	
time	with	multiple	trips	when	I	could	end	it	                                                                           a	beacon	of	light	for	Business,	Science	and	
now?                                                      the	so-called	Baylor	bubble,	there	is	one	major	in	 the	Humanities	once	the	dulling	qualities	of	un-
	        The	locals	claim	that	I	have	been	blinded	 those	lands	I	will	surely	call	my	own.		Aviation	 necessary	majors	have	been	wiped	away	forev-
by	my	former	successes.		They	say	I	have	taken	 Sciences	 is	 a	 tricky	 breed.	 	 Flying	 all	 about	 it	 er.
too	much	already.		The	more	vocal	of	their	num- will	take	a	steady	hand	to	bring	it	down.		No	one	 	                        Yes,	 if	 I	 can	 account	 for	 all	 my	 targets	
bers	have	said	that	by	killing	too	many	majors,	 will	 miss	 this	 major	 because	 the	 world	 already	 and	kill	them,	as	I	so	desire,	this	truly	will	be	the	
no	one	will	wish	to	come	visit	their	lands.		Their	 has enough pilots and, as far as I can see, flying greatest	expedition	of	my	life.		Now	I	wait,	for	
argument is that if I finish off too many majors, has	only	gotten	safer	the	last	couple	of	years.                  only	the	days	to	come,	and	the	absence	of	local	
leaving	 only	 the	 more	 prominent	 species,	 that	              In the ground floor of the Business School protest, will find my efforts successful.




                                                                                              Clay Pot
                                                                                                          viet cuisine
                                                                                                       Trying	to	spice	up	your	life?	
                                                                                                   Come	to	Clay	Pot,	our	spring	rolls	
                                                                                                  really	really	really	wanna	zigazig	ah.
                                                                                        920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy                                  254.756.2721
Page 8                                                       Nationalnews                                                                  theRope


                                                    Rope exclusive!
              Not sure how to act on that date?
     Scared of running off your future wife-to-be
     because you’re not sure which fork to use?
                             Well, fear no more!

NoZe Brotherhood                                    	      Following	the	news	that	Toys	for	Tots	would	not	accept	4,000	one	foot	tall	Jesus	dolls	this	
Etiquette Tips:                                     Christmas,	retailers	came	to	a	startling	conclusion	and	began	throwing	the	dolls	off	the	shelves	to	
Dinner Date Edition                                 make	room	for	other	toys.	The	Rope	brings	you	an	exclusive	interview	with	Toys	R’	Us	mastermind	
                                                    Geoffrey	the	Giraffe	to	get	the	poop	on	the	scoop.

•      If you wish to be served with                The Rope:	Geoffrey,	thanks	for	joining	me	today	at	Toys	R’	Us	World	Headquarters	in	Africa		 	
                                                    	      where	giraffes	can	run	free	instead	of	being	kept	in	cages	like	in	America.
more tea or coffee, place your spoon
                                                    Geoffrey:	Don’t	forget	that	labor	is	cheaper	here	too.
in your saucer. If you wished to be                 The Rope: A true capitalist. Let’s get to the heart of the matter. Why were action figures taken off
served more booze, grunt noisily                    	      the	shelves	after	news	that	the	Jesus	dolls	were	rejected?
until the waitress of your choice no-               Geoffrey:	The	root	of	the	problem	is	that	Toys	for	Tots	did	not	want	to	offend	any	families	that		 	
tices and tries to shut you up.                     	      were	not	Christian.	So	if	a	doll	was	shipped	to	a	Buddhist	family,	what	are	they	to	do	with		
                                                    	      it?	So	the	Talking	Tree	from	FAO	Schwartz	and	I	decided	to	get	together	and	talk.
                                                    The Rope: I still don’t see the religious figure – action figure connection.
•     Never allow butter, soup or                   Geoffrey: Let’s take the Sylvester Stallone “Rocky” action figure which retails for $29.99 and
other food to remain on your whis-                  	      is	available	at	Toys	R’	Us	stores	nationwide	and	worldwide	at	toysrus.com.	Suppose	a	child		
kers.                                               	      received	the	gift	from	his	parents	on	Christmas	morning	and	was	excited	to	play	with	him.		
                                                    	      When	he	grows	up,	who’s	to	say	he	will	have	muscles	as	big	as	Sly?	I	can’t	guarantee	that.		
                                                    	      So	I	thought	to	myself,	are	we	in	the	business	of	setting	the	bar	too	high	and	breaking	kids		
•     Never make a great display
                                                    	      dreams?	I	don’t	think	so.
when removing hair, insects or other                The Rope:	So	you’re	saying	you	won’t	sell	anything	that	a	child	couldn’t	feasibly	grow	up	to	be?
disagreeable things from your food.                 Geoffrey:	Exactly.	That’s	why	we	took	down	the	Geena	Davis	“Commander	in	Chief”	dolls.	We			
Place them quietly in your mouth                    	      don’t	want	to	disappoint	Hillary	Clinton.
and swallow whole                                   The Rope: But how much of your business is selling action figures?
                                                    Geoffrey:	Not	as	much	as	you	might	think.	We	make	most	of	our	money	selling	video	game	
                                                    	      consoles	and	systems	for	obscene	amounts	of	money	to	men	in	their	mid-30s.	We	also	sell		
•     Use a napkin only for your                    	      a	hell	of	a	lot	of	those	mini-Jeeps.	You’d	be	surprised.	(Lights	cigarette)
mouth. Never use it for your nose,                  The Rope:	Geoffrey,	would	you	please	mind	watching	your	language.	There	are	kids	reading	this.		
face or forehead. If you must use it                	      And	put	that	cigarette	out.	Don’t	you	think	you’re	tarnishing	the	image	of	Toys	R’	Us?
for your ass, rise only halfway out of              Geoffrey:	Didn’t	Joe	Camel	teach	you	anything?	Once	the	kids	grow	up,	those	that	don’t	play		 	
                                                    	      video	games	won’t	be	spending	any	more	money	in	our	stores	until	they	have	kids	of	their		
your seat so as not to appear rude.
                                                    	      own.	That’s	why	I’ve	been	including	a	pack	of	Geoffrey	the	Giraffe’s	Special	Lights	with		    	
                                                    	      every	purchase.	They	don’t	contain	as	much	nicotine	as	regulars,	but	enough	to	create	an			
•      When decanting wine, make                    	      addiction	to	last	a	lifetime.	
sure that you tilt the paper cup,                   The Rope:	What	brand	do	you	smoke?
pouring slowly so as not to bruise                  Geoffrey:	These	are	candy	cigarettes.	I	don’t	smoke.	Those	things	will	kill	you.
                                                    The Rope:	To	be	honest,	I’m	surprised	by	your	candor.	We	print	thousands	of	these	things.	Aren’t		
the fruit of the wine.
                                                           you afraid people will boycott your store when they find out what you’re doing to the kids?
                                                    Geoffrey:	No	one	will	believe	I	said	it,		we	all	know	Giraffes	can’t	talk.	
•     If drinking directly from the                 The Rope: So what action figures have you decided to keep on the shelves?
bottle, always hold it with fingers                 Geoffrey: We got rid of all the Spiderman figurines, but we’ve kept the Peter Parker ones. I figure
covering the label. If drinking from                	      any	kid	can	grow	up	to	be	a	scrawny	kid	with	a	crush	on	a	girl	way	out	of	his	league.	We’re		
                                                    	      going	get	rid	of	Superman	but	keep	Clark	Kent	because	of	the	same	reasons	as	above	and		
a box, remove the bag from the box
                                                    	      the	fact	that	being	a	reporter	is	an	attainable	goal.	
and fasten a la a colostomy bag.                    The Rope:	What	about	getting	those	big	keyboards	like	Tom	Hanks	had	in	Big?	Kids	love	those.
                                                    Geoffrey:	Correction,	Tom	Hanks	playing	a	big	kid	in	the	movies	love	those.	Our	research		           	
*      When seated at a table con-                  suggests	that	kids	love	sitting	on	their	ass	and	playing	video	games,	not	jumping	up	and		 	         	
sisting of multiple forks, the smaller              down	on	a	large	set	of	ivories.	
                                                    The Rope:	I	suppose	that’s	why	you	are	the	most	successful	toy	store	in	the	world.
one is used to eat salads. It is wise
                                                    Geoffrey:	Don’t	patronize	me.	You	know	what,	get	the	hell	out	of	here.	This	interview	is	over.
to save the larger one for flinging                 The Rope:	One	last	question	before	you	go.	If	you	were	a	tree,	what	kind	would	you	be?
small food across the room.                         Geoffrey:	Get	out.	
theRope                                                                  Localnews                                                                              Page 9

MCC baits inpatient Baylor                                                                                              Kappa Kappa Gamma
                                                                                                                         rampage at Texas
 students with new degree                                                                                                 ranger museum
	        McLennan	Community	College	has	add-               Baylor’s	campus.                                             NoZe Brothers refuse to make
ed	a	new	degree	to	its	curriculum,	and	is	hoping	          	        The	heads	of	Baylor’s	education	school	                  Chuck Norris joke
that	new	radio	advertising	will	pick	up	a	plethora	        and	fashion	school	have	yet	to	comment.	How-
of	fresh	female	Baylor	students.	The	new	degree,	          ever	 alumni	 of	 both	 the	 fashion	 and	 education	       	        Recently,	 Kappa	 Kappa	 Gamma	 hosted	
an	associates	in	non	platonic	committal	conjugal	          school,	as	well	as	a	level	4	quiver	full	member,	           a	 formal	 at	 the	 Texas	 Ranger	 Museum	 on	 the	
relations,	 promises	 near	 comparable	 results	 to	       Penny	 Tucker	 made	 the	 following	 statement	             edge	 of	 campus.	 	 Reports	 state	 that	 an	 alcohol	
Baylor’s	 own	 full	 bachelors	 in	 marital	 associa-      on	 their	 behalf,	 “The	 quality	 of	 the	 degrees	 at	    fueled	 group	 of	 revelers	 let	 the	 crazy-go-nuts	
tion	with	only	half	the	required	hours	to	gradu-           Baylor	will	continue	to	attract	full	alumni	sup-            atmosphere	of	a	sorority	formal	get	the	best	of	
ate,	as	well	as	promising	guaranteed	job	place-            port.	We	have	doctors	here	for	a	reason	and	that	           them and did over $1,600 worth of damage to
ment	with	willing	alumni.	                                 shouldn’t	 be	 forgotten	 by	 all	 those	 bright	 eyed	     the	building.
	        The	degree,	being	an	associates,	will	al-         young	ladies.”                                              	        “I’m	 just	 it	 didn’t	 happen	 here,”	 said	
low students a more flexible social situation to           	        In	 a	 recent	 interview	 Bethany	 Hayes,	 a	      Tom	Dickson,	an	employee	at	the	Texas	Sports	
increase	job	networking.	Also	of	note	is	that	the	         political	science	major	with	an	MRS	minor,	stat-            Hall of Fame. “We have the first ever George
degree is available at current fixed MCC rates of          ed	that	she	was	“thrilled	with	an	economic	alter-           Forman	grill	here,	and	as	you	can	imagine,	that	
23	 cents	 an	 hour	 as	 opposed	 to	 Baylor’s	 rates,	    native	that	would	allow	her	to	drop	her	minor.”	            thing	is	priceless.		I	couldn’t	stand	to	see	it	dam-
which	haven’t	been	static	since	the	1920’s.                She	went	on	to	add	later	that	money	is	a	mitigat-           aged	by	some	rowdy	kids.”
	        Program	head,	Suzie	McSettled,	has	an-            ing factor, and that although she finds the major-          	        Many	 students	 have	 been	 making	 jokes	
nounced	 that	 the	 recent	 raises	 in	 Baylor	 prices	    ity	of	the	campus	at	MCC	to	be	less	than	an	ideal	          at	the	expense	of	Kappa	Kappa	Gamma,	but	not	
has led way to an influx of new “special degree”           place	 to	 apply	 her	 new	 skill	 set,	 she	 looks	 for-   everyone	 is	 so	 enthusiastic	 about	 getting	 their	
students.	 She	 stated	 that	 because	 of	 this	 recent	   ward	to	applying	it	back	on	Baylor’s	campus.                jabs	in.
                                                                                                                       	        “A	Chuck	Norris	joke?		Absolutely	not!”	
influx of “talent,” the market has been set to al-         	        Any	students	interested	in	the	new	pro-
                                                                                                                       said	Cunning	Linguist	Bro.	TheNoZeous	Monk.	          	
low	the	program’s	success	under	budget.	                   gram	at	MCC	need	only	proceed	to	MCC’s	web	
                                                                                                                       “I	mean,	I	get	it.		Texas	Rangers.		Chuck	Nor-
	        MCC’s	 president	 and	 dean,	 John	 Keat-         page	A.S.A.P.	 in	 order	 to	 R.S.V.P.	 for	 the	 next	
                                                                                                                       ris.		But	those	jokes	are	about	two	years	old	and	
ing,	 stated	 that	 although	 his	 associate’s	 candor	    round	of	the	MCC	MRS	Associates	degree.		 	
                                                                                                                       they	weren’t	even	funny	then.		Contrary	to	popu-
is	good	news,	classic	budget	restraints	aren’t	an	         	        “Yeah	 I’m	 down	 with	 O.P.P.,”	 stated	 a	       lar	belief,	we	do	have	some	integrity	here	at	the	
issue.	New	federal	grants,	which	give	MCC	real	            random	 student	 at	 MCC,	 unrelated	 to	 the	 arti-        Rope.”
money,	as	opposed	to	the	debt	available	to	Bay-            cle.	MCC’s	recent	press	release	(available	only	            	        Despite	 Bro.	 Fats	 DomiNoZe’s	 claims	
lor’s	body	for	purchasing,	allows	them	to	pay	the	         in	 their	 student	 paper)	 has	 promised	 continual	       that	the	Norris	joke	“can’t	be	beat,”	it	would	ap-
dancers/instructors	in	cash…	a	familiar	form	of	           alumni	 support	 as	 well,	 which	 is	 an	 interesting	     pear	that,	for	now,	the	NoZe	have	no	plans	in	the	
reimbursement	 that	 comforts	 them	 with	 a	 cer-         thought	indeed.                                             works	to	make	fun	of	the	Kappas	for	their	formal	
tain	job	security…yet	another	thing	unknown	on	                                                                        night	shenanigans.




                                                                                Bankstons
                                                                                             cards and comics
                                                                                   “I wouldn’t try that if I were you, Superman.
                                                                                       Everyone knows penguins can’t fly.”
                                                                                                Come to Bankstons for your non-avian
                                                                                                        comic related needs.

                                                                                   1321 S. Valley Mills                                    254.755.0070
Page 10                                                            Nationalnews                                                                            theRope

Morriss guarantees NCAA championship next season
 Lilley responds, ‘I may not be the new Secretary of Defense, but I’ll be danged if
                   we can’t we a championship this time around.’
	        After	 opening	 the	 season	 with	 a	 loss	 to	 posed	to	deliver	a	miracle.”                              	         “We	generally	start	out	with	a	few	push-
his	alma	mater,	TCU,	and	ending	the	season	with	 	              Blake	Szymanski	was	seen	after	the	game	           ups,	a	few	sit-ups	and	a	quarter	mile	jog,”	Mor-
a	loss	to	Oklahoma,	Guy	Morriss	announced	that	 smoking	a	cigarette	and	eating	an	entire	choco-                    riss	said.	“Then	we	have	a	coffee	and	donut	break	
he	 would	 guarantee	 an	 NCAA	 championship	 late	cake.                                                           and	 undo	 the	 previous	 workout.	 Then	 we	 play	
next	season	no	matter	what	it	takes.                     	      “I’m	 trying	to	fatten	up	for	 next	season	        NCAA	Football	on	the	Playstation	and	see	if	we	
	        “We’ve	 been	 pussyfooting	 around	 too	 so	I	can’t	play,”	he	said.	“People	may	complain	                 can	take	down	Ohio	State,	but	we	can’t	even	do	
long,”	 Morriss	 said.	 “I’ve	                                                about	 Baylor	 football,	 but	       it	in	fake	life.”
been	 here	 four	 years	 and	                                                 I’m	 sure	 as	 hell	 not	 going	     	         Some	 graduating	 seniors	 are	 unhappy	
we	 still	 haven’t	 had	 a	 .500	                                             to	be	the	face	of	failure	and	       that they will be unable to reap the benefits of
season.	 I	 know	 some	 of	                                                   false	promises.”                     the	new	program.
you	think	I	threw	the	game	                                                   	 President	 John	 Lilley	           	         “What	the	hell?	Now	you	spend	all	this	
against	 TCU,	 and	 you’re	                                                   thought	 that	 Morriss	 was	         money	right	when	I’m	graduating,”	C.J.	Wilson	
plumb	wrong.	But	I	did bet	                                                   showing	 great	 leadership	          said.	“I	demand	some	parting	gifts	since	I	got	the	
on	the	right	team.”                                                           skills.                              shaft	on	this	deal.	If	you	think	Dave	Bliss	was	
	        The	 entire	 Baylor	                                                 	 “Guy	 is	 just	 trying	 to	 set	   the	 only	 coach	 paying	 players,	 you	 are	 wrong.	
community	 was	 shocked	                                                      the	bar	higher,”	Lilley	said.	       You	think	I	won’t	name	names?	Try	me.”
to	 hear	 such	 a	 bold	 state-                                               “We’re	 not	 going	 to	 be-          	         Sports	fans	are	speculating	that	Morriss’	
ment,	but	no	one	was	more	                                                    come	 a	 top-tier	 university	       promise	is	a	last	ditch	effort	to	keep	his	job.	His	
shocked	 than	 the	 football	                                                 if	we	can’t	win	half	of	our	         5-year	contract	is	up	next	season	and	the	Bears	
team	who	responded	to	the	                                                    football	games.	He	doesn’t	          invested a total $5.5 million in his contract.
comments	with	shortness	of	                                                   have	an	easy	job	and	I	know	         	         “I	coached	for	5	years	at	the	University	
breath	and	their	faces	buried	                                                how	 he	 feels.	 It’s	 hard	 to	     of	 Miami	 and	 gave	 them	 a	 bowl	 win,”	 former	
in	the	locker	room.	Despair	                                                  come	into	a	job	after	a	fail-        Dallas	Cowboys	Coach	Jimmy	Johnson	said.	“I	
filled the locker room.                                                       ing	 regime	 and	 return	 it	 to	    came	to	the	Cowboys	and	won	two	NFL	cham-
	        “Some	 of	 the	 fresh-        “I	use	Vidal	Sasoon	#5...	it’s	a	      glory.”                              pionships.	 Guy	 may	 have	 what	 it	 takes	 on	 the	
men	 girls	 out	 on	 the	 Bear	          special	blend	for	winners.”          	 If	 there’s	 one	 thing	 Bay-      football field, but he’ll never have what it takes
Trail	have	better	endurance	                                                  lor	is	good	at	it’s	throwing	        to	 get	 a	 mane	 of	 hair	 like	 mine	 no	 matter	 how	
than	 we	 do,”	 a	 player	 who	 wished	 to	 remain	 lots	of	money	a	big	problems,	or	in	this	case	big	             much	practice	he	puts	in.”
anonymous	said.                                          promises.	 All	 incoming	 tuition	 next	 semester	        	         Either	 way,	 Baylor	 fans	 will	 still	 show	
	        “We	 give	 it	 all	 we	 can	 out	 there	 each	 will	be	set	aside	to	build	a	new	football	stadium,	        up	to	pack	the	stadium	against	Texas	A&M	next	
week,”	Quarterback	Shawn	Bell	said.	“I	know	I	 training	 facility,	 cafeteria	 for	 football	 players	             year	in	hopes	that	they	might	get	to	nibble	on	a	
went	down	with	a	few	games	left	in	the	season,	 only,	a	year’s	supply	of	anabolic	steroids	and	a	                  crumb	that	has	fallen	from	the	mouth	of	a	top	25	
but	I’ve	been	giving	it	my	all.	I	just	thank	God	 large	bribe	payable	to	the	NCAA.	And	the	work-                   team	eating	from	the	smorgasbord	of	food	placed	
every	morning	that	I’m	not	the	guy	who’s	sup- out	schedule	will	be	a	little	more	rigorous.                         before	them	on	the	table	of	victory.			


         Mr. PuZzle sez:                                            1.                                                  2.
                           How many differences
                          can you find in these two
                          photos? (Hint: there’s at
                                  least 6!)
theRope                                                                Morejunk                                                                     Page 11

NoZe in the street badly injured in fatal car accident
	        Bro.	Breakin’	2:	ElectricNoZealoo,	whilst	standing	in	the	center	of	University	Parks	
                                                                                                       The NoZe asks...
                                                                                                       “What	do	you	think	of	efforts	made	by	a	small	group	
Dr.	 late	Tuesday	 night,	 was	 fatally	 struck	 by	 a	 Land	 Rover	 driven	 by	 Katy	 Sophomore	      of	Baylor	regents	to	undermine	the	60	year	old	Bay-
Stephanie Petcork. Doctors, scientists, bakers, and the gang (Satch!) were at first pessimis-          lor	Alumni	Association	 and	 replace	 it	 with	 the	 divi-
tic	over	his	ability	to	ever	dance	much	less	live	again	until	the	Baylor	Alumni	Association	           sive	groups	Friends	of	Baylor,	an	organization	formed	
offered	to	fund	his	full	and	even	enhanced	recovery	in	exchange	for	some	sign	of	respect.              solely to support Robert Sloan during his final years at
	        “I	was	just	voicing	my	opinion	about	Friends	of	Baylor	when	that	behemoth	of	an	              Baylor?”
automobile	tossed	me	like	a	prawn	at	a	Beninhana’s,”	said	Bro.	Breakin’.	“Then	that	terror	
of a female just drove off, front bumper besmirched with the fluids of my entrails, leaving                                      “I	think	it’s	great!”
me	to	die.”
                                                  	        The	 medical	 process	 was	 grueling,	
                                                  but	after	many	days	of	tinkering	in	his	belly	
                                                  and	brain,	and	adding	some	super	cool	gad-                                         Neal “Buddy” Jones,
                                                  gets	 like	 lasers	 and	 bionic	 body	 parts	 and	                                    Baylor Regent
                                                  stuff	like	that,	doctors	were	able	to	assemble	
                                                  one terrific kind of guy.
	                                                 “It	didn’t	look	good,”	said	Dr.	Michael	Palin-         “Sloan	leaves	for	
                                                  drome,	Gynecologist.	“And	I	had	no	idea	why	         HBU	and	Friends	of	
                                                  I	was	called	in	to	aid,	but	when	the	Alumni	
                                                  Association	got	there	and	was	all	like,	‘Hey	         Baylor	tries	to	take	
                                                  guys,	 uh,	 here	 are	 some	 cybernetics	 we	        over?	Coincidence?	I	
                                                  thought	 you	 might	 be	 able	 to	 use’	 some	 of	        think	not.”
                                                  the	other	doctors	and	the	bakers	started	say-
                                                  ing	things.”                                                Dr. Longfellow,
                                                  	        According	to	Mr.	Farthsworthing,	not	             History Professor
                                                  at	all	a	doctor	but	the	janitor	with	an	aptitude	
                                                  for	oration,	those	“things”	said	were,	“Gen-
                                                  tlemen,	 we	 can	 rebuild	 him.	 We	 have	 the	
                                                  gizmos.	We	have	the	capability	to	build	the	                                      “Can	you	repeat	
                                                  first bionic NoZe brother. Bro. Breakin’ 2:
   Bro.	 NoZealoo	 version	 2.0	 (not	 to	 be	
                                                  Electric	NoZealoo	will	be	that	brother.	Better	                                    the	question?	
   confused	with	Carrot	Top	in	his	latest	
   act,	Bionic Commando)                          than	he	was	before.	Better…stronger…better	                                        Clifford	didn’t	
                                                  looking.”
	        Some	 claimed	 Mr.	 Farthsworthing	 had	 jumped	 the	 gun	 with	 such	 grandiloquent	                                         hear	you.”
comments.
	        “Well,	for	one,	he’s	not	stronger,”	said	Bro.	Kurt	VonNoZegut.	“And	for	another	                                               Kelly Coleman,
thing	he’s	not	better	looking.	He’s…what’s	the	word?	Hideous.	It’s	a	wonder	the	Alumni	                                              Editor in Chief, Lariat
Association	 funded	 such	 a	 ridiculous	 project,	 but	 then	 again,	 I	 suppose	 they’ve	 funded	
more	ridiculous	things	in	the	past.”
	        Nevertheless,	Bro.	Breakin’	2:	Electric	NoZealoo	is	pleased	with	his	new	bionic	
body	and	will	not	stop	telling	people	about	how	awesome	he	is.
	        “Ship	shap	pally	wap,	give-a-dog-a-bone.	Jarvis!	Where’s	my	pudding?	Why,	back	                  “Well,	to	be	
in	my	day	a	man	could	yell	for	pudding	and	be	granted	throngs	and	tankards	of	the	deli-
cious	 delectable!	You	 could	 yell	 for	 pudding	 and	 buy	 Sally’s	 songs	 and	 munch	 pickled	
                                                                                                       honest	with	you,	I	
cucumbers	till	the	late	hours	and…Fish	beard!?	You	can’t	catch	me,	coppers,	I’m	the	gin-               couldn’t	care	less.	
gerbread	man!”	said	Bro.	Breakin’.
	        Still,	others	are	skeptical.
                                                                                                        My	dog	is	in	the	
	        “What	I	want	to	know	is,”	said	Bro.	LovePotion#NoZe,	“What	was	he	doing	voic-                      Rope!”
ing his opinion out in the street? That there is a sure-fire way to get hit by a car, especially
one	driven	by	a	female,	especially	at	Baylor,	especially	about	Friends	of	Baylor,	especially	
                                                                                                              Ashley Hayes,
at	night	and	so	on	and	so	forth.”
                                                                                                              Not important
	        This	entire	article	was	fabricated	and	Bro.	Breakin’	has	yet	to	show	the	Alumni	As-
sociation	any	respect.	But	you	knew	that	already	didn’t	you?
Page 12                                                             Campusnews                                                                           theRope


	
 Greetings from Students for Social Justice!
        This	year,	just	as	last	year,	and	the	year	before,	and	despite	a	total	lack	of	results,	the	organization	Students	for	Social	Justice	has	decided	to	send	
the	administration	a	large	number	of	postcards	that	demand	the	wage	rate	for	Baylor	staff	be	raised.		Since	John	Lilley	will	inevitably	ignore	the	post	
cards,	the	administration	has	been	forced	to	think	of	ways	to	put	them	to	good	use.		We	here	at	the	Noble	NoZe	Brotherhood	(Satch!)	have	come	into	
possession	of	a	list	of	these	potential	uses	and	present	them	here	to	you	today.		They	are	as	such:

1. Ignore them                                           3. Use them as a spirit lifter                            proving	that	if	the	administration	raised	pay	they	
                                                                                                                   would have to fire workers to compensate.
	        This	option	is	fairly	self-explanatory	and	 	              With	this,	the	President	will	simply	take	
currently	the	most	likely	choice.                          all	the	cards	he	receives	and	save	them	for	a	day	
                                                           in	which	he	is	in	a	bad	mood.		On	this	day,	he	         4. Use them as toilet paper
2. Have a custodial worker throw them can	take	out	one	of	these	cards	and	under	where	                             	       Once	again,	this	one	is	fairly	self-explan-
                                                           it	says	“Students	for	Social	Justice”	he	can	write,	    atory	but,	to	be	honest,	not	much	different	than	
away                                                       “totally	sucks”	thus	making	him	feel	a	little	bet-      the	previous	options.
	        In	 this	 instance,	 the	 President	 will	 still	 ter.		This	plan	is	nearly	perfect	because	everyone	     	
completely	ignore	the	cards,	but	will	go	one	step	 knows	that	nothing	makes	you	feel	better	when	                  6. Build a robot
further	 and	 order	 a	 custodial	 staff	 member,	 the	 you	are	in	a	bad	mood	than	taking	it	out	on	some-
very	 person	 said	 cards	 are	 intended	 to	 help,	 to	 one	else.                                                 	         Though	this	plan	is	somewhat	far	fetched,	
carry	them	to	a	dumpster	and	throw	them	away.		                                                                    it	is	still	a	very	real	possibility.		This	plan	calls	
	        This	 plan	 has	 a	 slightly	 ironic	 twist	 be- 5. Make an economics book                                for	the	President	to	build	a	rudimentary	papier-
cause	 the	 unfortunate	 custodial	 worker	 that	 is	                                                              mâché	robot	that	can	be	taught	to	do	basic	tasks	
chosen to heave the postcard filled trash bags to 	                 This	plan	entails	composting	all	the	post-     around	the	university.		This	robot	will	not	need	
the	proper	receptacle	will	more	than	likely	strain	 cards	and	recycling	them	into	new	paper.		This	                to	be	paid,	thus	making	it	the	ideal	employee	for	
their	 back	 in	 the	 process	 and,	 for	 the	 next	 few	 new,	recycled	paper	can	than	be	used	to	print	an	        the	university.	Unfortunately	this	will	cause	the	
months,	their	already	meager	pay	will	be	devot- introduction	to	basic	macroeconomics	textbook	                     university to fire its entire staff because they are
                                                           in	which	it	will	clearly	state	that	raising	the	wage	   no	longer	of	any	use.
ed	to	paying	off	the	exorbitant	doctor	bills	they	
                                                           rate	will	lead	to	a	decrease	in	employment,	thus	
will	incur	as	a	result.




  “Ron,	for	the	love	of	God...	
                                                                              Clothe yourself
        put a shirt on.”
                                                                               with new duds
                                                                             from Bear Cotton.
theRope                                                               Campusnews                                                                          Page 13
  Baylor officials take action to decrease ‘parking’ at Collins
            Quotation marks give whole new definition to ‘parallel parking’
	        After	decades	of	history	happening	in	the	        so	 we	 tried	 to	 give	 them	 plenty	 of	 time	 to	 say	 	       Until	the	completion	of	the	garage,	Col-
parking	lot	beside	Collins	Residence	Hall,	Bay-            their	good	byes,”	Dean	for	Student	Learning	and	 lins	girls	are	asked	to	be	understanding	and	re-
lor officials have decided to put the lot to rest.         Engagement	Frank	Shushok	said.	“People	have	 sourceful.	While	visiting	hours	are	still	going	to	
They	were	sick	of	walking	by	parked	cars	with	             had	 unforgettable	 mo-                                                             be	 in	 place,	 CL’s	 have	
steamy	windows	and	rocking	shocks	at	all	hours	            ments	in	that	lot;	nights	 “Put anything in quotation                               agreed	 to	 act	 just	 as	
of	the	day.	Though	Collins	girls	can	learn	the	new	        there	 have	 instigated	                                                            oblivious	as	they	have	in	
fall	colors	and	the	account	numbers	to	all	nine	of	        shotgun	 weddings	 in	       marks and it’s funny.”                                 the	past.	But	some	girls	
Daddy’s	credit	cards,	they	apparently	cannot	be	           some	cases.”                                          Bro.	TheNoZeous	Monk just	won’t	be	happy	un-
taught	the	decency	to	wait	until	sundown	to	get	           	        In	 place	 of	                                      Cunning	Linguist til	they	can	enjoy	“park-
it	on.	                                                    the	 beloved	 parking	                                                              ing”	near	Collins	again.
		       “I’ve	had	talks	with	the	girls	about	wait-        lot, officials have chosen to erect a parking ga- 	               “Yeah,	I’ll	probably	take	advantage	of	the	
ing	to	engage	in	those	kind	of	activities,”	Resi-          rage,	which	will	be	completed	in	August.	Even	 twin	bed	provided	to	me	by	Collins	Hall	where	
dent	 Chaplain	 Marquette	 Bugg	 said.	 “We	 even	         though	they	disapprove	of	the	“parking”	activi- my	 fore	 mothers	 have	 also	 made	 their	 mark,”	
held	our	own	True	Love	Waits	(Until	Dark)	rally.	          ties,	they’re	realistic	and	know	that	Collins	girls	 Collins	resident	Kelly	Binning	said.	“But	noth-
Several	girls	pledged	not	to	use	the	parking	lot	          will	only	stand	for	the	absence	of	it	for	so	long.	 ing	revs	my	engine	quite	like	my	boyfriend’s	’85	
until	 their	 nighttime	 cell	 phone	 minutes	 start-      They’ll	start	doing	their	living	and	learning	off- Bronco.”
ed.”                                                       campus	if	they	are	not	provided	with	enough	suf- 	                After	all	is	said	and	done	though,	Baylor	
	        Unfortunately,	 too	 many	 residents	 kept	       ficient spaces on-campus.                                 officials are positive students will be happy with
their anytime minutes plans, and Baylor officials          	        “Campus	Living	And	Learning	wouldn’t	 the	 improvement.	 The	 previous	 lot	 only	 held	
decided	 the	 parking	 lot	 had	 to	 go.	 It	 was	 shut	   allow	 us	 to	 completely	 discourage	 this	 popular	 513	spots	while	the	new	garage	will	provide	784	
down	over	the	Thanksgiving	break	after	students	           extra-curricular	 activity,”	 Shushok	 said.	 “So	 places	to	“park.”	That’s	271	more	happy	couples	
had	left	for	the	holiday.	                                 we’re	just	hoping	to	delay	a	few	unplanned	preg- serviced	 per	 night	 with	 the	 high	 possibility	 of	
	        “We	understand	the	needs	of	our	students	         nancies	until	next	school	year.”                          even	a	threesome	or	two.




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Page 14                                                   Baylorcommentary                                                                              theRope

                                                      The Nose        by:	NoZeoli	Gogol

	         On	the	27th	morning	of	November,	John	Lilley,	the	president	of	a	          	        Disgusted,	 the	 nose	 turned	 and	 walked	 away	 from	 the	 stunned	
moderately	sized	Baptist	university,	woke	up	and	begun	his	morning	rou-              Lilley. Lilley hustled into the DPS office in hopes of having the nose
tine.	He	had	made	up	his	bed	and	wandered	into	the	bathroom	to	catch	a	              seized by the police, but before he could point the officer to where he was
good	glimpse	of	himself.	Upon	looking	at	the	mirror,	he	was	bewildered	              just	standing,	the	nose	had	vanished.	
to discover that he in fact had no nose, but rather a smooth patch of flesh          	        Hopelessly	 in	 despair,	 Lilley	 traveled	 back	 to	 his	 house	 and	
where	it	had	once	been!	Alarmed,	he	at	once	splashed	his	face	with	water	            wept.	
to	make	sure	he	wasn’t	still	asleep;	still,	no	nose.	Panicking,	he	quickly	                   “Oh, how can this be? If only it were a finger, or perhaps a small
got	dressed	and	ran	out	the	door	to	the	university’s	Department	of	Public	           piece of ear cartilage! But the nose? How horrific, one can have no sense
Safety,	for	lack	of	any	idea	where	to	run	with	such	a	problem.                       of	dignity	when	he	is	sans	nose!”	
	         Now,	before	we	continue,	one	must	realize	that	this	John	Lilley	           	        He	walked	into	his	bathroom	to	catch	a	glimpse	of	himself	in	the	
was	a	precarious	sort	of	fellow.	The	university	that	he	was	head	of	had	a	           mirror, hoping it had all been a bad dream. To his despair, the fleshy patch
rather	notorious	reputation	for	providing	higher	education	to	the	masses	            still	prevailed	where	his	nose	once	held	its	home.	
at	an	affordable	price,	and	prided	itself	in	its	classroom	oriented	profes-          	        Lilley	had	just	settled	into	his	pajamas	when	the	doorbell	rang,	
sors.	However,	Lilley	had	an	eye	for	the	grand	halls	of	collegiate	top	tier,	        and	he	ran	to	open	the	door,	hoping	something	might	come	of	it	concern-
and	was	particularly	vein	when	it	came	to	the	perception	of	his	universi-            ing his predicament. To his relief, it was a DPS officer.
ty.	While	he	hadn’t	even	held	this	position	for	a	year	yet,	his	obsession	to	                 “It was you who lost your nose, was it not?” queried the officer.
become	a	Xerox	of	more	prestigious	schools	had	already	led	to	increased	             	        “Why	yes,	have	you	found	him?”	Lilley	became	visibly	excited.	
tuitions	and	a	shift	in	scholarly	focus.	One	can	then	infer	from	this	his	                    “We sure have,” replied the officer, and he handed Lilley a small
general consternation concerning his now flat face.                                  bandage	containing	his	nose.
	         Walking	down	the	street	on	his	way	to	the	Department	of	Public	            	        “We	cornered	it	on	the	bridge	on	the	far	side	of	campus.	I	was	
Safety,	Lilley	was	careful	to	cover	up	his	once-nose	with	a	handkerchief,	           posted	over	there,	and	fortunately	I	was	wearing	my	glasses	and	I	rec-
as	to	maintain	his	dignity.	He	immediately	stopped	in	his	tracks	upon	a	             ognized him immediately as a nose, and not the jolly student that I first
rather	strange	sight.	Right	before	him	a	limo	sporting	a	collegiate	seal	            took	him	for.	After	some	considerable	altercation	(it	can	be	quite	hard	to	
pulled to the curb, and out stepped a gentleman wearing the official re-             handcuff	a	nose,	you	know)	he	was	seized	and	brought	here,	sir.”
galia	of	a	University	president.	One	can	imagine	the	fright	that	overcame	                    Lilley thanked the officer and bid him adieu, ecstatic about this
him	when	he	realized	that	the	person	that	came	from	the	car	was	in	actu-             fortunate	turn	of	events.	He	immediately	sent	for	a	doctor	to	come	over	
ality	his	own	nose!	It	was	clear	from	the	appearance	of	the	nostrils	that	it	        and	reattach	the	nose	at	once.	
was	now	the	president	of	a	top	tier	university.	                                     	        Upon	 arrival	 of	 the	 doctor,	 he	 surveyed	 Lilley’s	 face	 long	 and	
	         Lilley	had	no	idea	what	to	think	of	such	an	incident.	How	was	             hard	and	glanced	over	at	the	nose,	sitting	on	the	tabletop.	He	picked	it	up	
it	 that	the	nose	 that	was	 once	snug	 comfortably	onto	his	distinguished	          and	examined	it	for	a	few	minutes.	He	then	set	the	nose	down	and	shook	
face	able	to	walk,	much	less	preside	over	a	university	that	had	constantly	          his	head.
outranked	his?	He	was	quite	unsure	of	how	to	address	his	own	proboscis,	             	        “No.”
having	never	thought	to	talk	to	it	during	his	morning	routine.			                    	        “What	do	you	mean,	‘no’!?”	Lilley	exclaimed.
	         “…Excuse	me,	sir,”	Lilley	started.                                         	        “You	better	stay	the	way	you	are.”
	         “Why,	hello	there!,”	responded	the	nose.	“I	was	hoping	I’d	run	            	        Lilley	was	furious.	“I	don’t	think	you	follow	me,	here!	I	am	the	
into	you.”                                                                           president	of	a	moderately	sized	university;	I	can’t	be	nose-less!	Can	you	
	         “Well,	I	don’t	quite…	it	would	seem..”	Lilley	stuttered,	“Why	is	          imagine	the	ridicule	that	I’d	receive	from	the	top	tier	colleges?”
it I should find you here? Do you not know your place?”                              	        “You	must	understand	that	if	I	were	to	attempt	to	reattach	your	
	         “I’m	 afraid	 I	 don’t	 understand	 what	 you’re	 talking	 about,”	 the	   nose	that	your	predicament	would	be	much,	much	worse.	You’d	better	
nose	replied.                                                                        leave	it	to	the	effect	of	nature	herself.”
	         “I	am	the	president	of	a	moderately	sized	protestant	university,”	         	        Lilley	was	struck	by	the	doctor’s	refusal	to	reattach	the	nose,	and	
said	Lilley	“as	I’m	sure	you	understand,	it	is	quite	ludicrous	for	me	to	be	         watched	as	the	doctor	packed	up	his	stuff	and	headed	to	the	door.	
walking	around	my	campus	without	a	nose!	While	the	president	of	some	                	        “I’ve	tried	to	be	of	service	to	you,	but	it’s	helpless	if	you	ignore	
third-rate school would be fine without his schnozz, I have prospects to             my	advice,”	the	doctor	told	Lilley	on	his	way	out.	
turn	this	place	into	a	top	tier	institution.”	                                                                             ***
	         “My	apologies,	I	don’t	follow	a	word	that	you’re	uttering.”                	        And	then,	without	any	explanation	what	so	ever,	John	Lilley	woke	
	         “How	is	it	not	clear?!	You	are	in	fact	my nose,	and	you	belong	on	         up	on	January	8th	to	the	extreme	pleasure	of	a	runny	nose.	He	darted	to	
my	face!”	stated	Lilley	with	a	new	sense	of	poise.	                                  the	bathroom,	skipping	the	scale	and	with	great	satisfaction,	saw	that	his	
	         The	nose	was	taken	aback	and	scoffed,	“I	hate	to	alarm	you,	but	I	         nose	had	mysteriously	returned	to	its	abode	between	his	eyes.		
am	in	no	part	you.	Is	it	not	clear	from	my	fancy	regalia	that	I	govern	over	         	        So	take	this	for	what	it’s	worth.	Just	know	that	such	incidents	do	
a	much	more	prestigious	school	than	you?”                                            happen	in	this	world	–	rarely,	but	they	do	happen.	
kekomuckitymuck therope
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tinkel Upharsin! Satchel on Brother
                                                                                                             Cunning Linguist
LongNoZe, Satch! BMMC! HRGS! BSSS! JLRC! Don’t call it a comeback, the Dems took
Washington in a coup uncouth, but with no holds barred took advantage of reputations                   broTheNoZeousMonk (7.5)
freshly scarred. We saw how the GOP staggered with Haggard’s fall from grace, a holy                               Lorde Mayor
man now banned hand in hand with the likes of Foley, the man banned for his engages              broBreakin’2:ElectricNoZealoo (8)
with pages of all ages, quite a disgrace, yet downright commonplace. All that aside, those
                                                                                                                Shekel Keeper
politics outside don’t unite but divide. I say we decide to discuss the trouble in the bubble,
as disaffection for our leaders here is surely what our readers fear more than 8th street                        broNoZeSequitur
speeders or classmate cheaters. Last week’s turkey was good, but what gets my goose                                 Cybersmitty
cooked is the Facebooked invasion of undead let loose and hooked by a thirst for armband-                broLovePotion#NoZe (2)
ed banditos. As if there weren’t enough Abercrombie zombies on the scene, now I can’t
even get my fix of caffeine in the parking garage without two magazines of nerf arrows and                       Bored of Graft
handmade sock grenades cause I’m afraid to be belayed by a parade of the undead, or a                            broAbstiNoZe (6)
blockade of pre-meds on a crusade for brains. That game’s done, son. Outside of Penland                       broNoZeV.Wade (1)
there’s not much to be won by toting a giant plastic gun all day, but at least it’ll give your               broMarlonBrandNoZe
maid something to see besides your new Wii or PS3 (hard to afford when you don’t make                      broKurtVonNoZegut (3)
a living wage). At this stage, on-campus postcards from SSJ saying “fair pay is fair play”
feels as last resort as a vote for Chris Bell. In a world where people never learn, it feels                      The Brothers
good to be a college student. Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Saaaaatcheeeeellissssssim-
                                                                                                  broFearAndNoZingInElmMott (7)
mmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!101011!!!!



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           Nutrition major makes apple out of bong
                     Student discovers Pink Floyd, Chapel sync up
        Whispers quickly filled the         on	 freights	from	 Mexico	 and	 Cali-      the	 peer	 pressure	 of	 the	 forbidden	   isn’t	legal,	he’s	had	to	resort	to	un-
virgin-free	 corridors	 of	 Memorial	       fornia.	I’ve	heard	growers	are	even	       fruit.	Although	most	will	stay	stal-       derhanded	skills	in	order	to	acquire	
Residence	 Hall	 late	 last	 Thursday	      taking	over	land	in	Central	Texas,”	       wart	 and	 despite	 the	 goading	 of	      them.	“I’ve	made	them	out	of	bongs	
night.	 When	 asked	 to	 speak	 up,	        alarmed	 McCraw.	 “Students	 aren’t	       impressively	 successful	 television	      before,	too.	Heck,	I	even	made	one	
they	 revealed	 that	 Krista	 Smooth-       just	ingesting	them	anymore	either.	       ad	 campaigns	 warning	 against	 the	      once	 from	 tinfoil,	 a	 light	 bulb,	 a	
fertner,	a	resident	of	room	298,	had	       They’re	juicing,	too.”                     dangerous	effects	of	“the	sweet	pill	      Pringles	 can,	 and	 a	 regular	 can.	 In	
successfully	built	an	apple	from	her	       	         However,	 Justin	 Mueller,	      that	makes	life	bitter”,	a	select	few	     that	order.”
roommate’s	bong.                            who	 asked	 to	 remain	 anonymous,	        will	fall	prey	to	the	illicit	drug	that	   	        Smoothfertner,	 who	 you’ll	
	       “It	 was	 pretty	 simple.	 Al-      spoke	 out	 in	 favor	 of	 apple	 use	     promises	to	“quote”	“keep	the	doc-         remember	from	the	beginning	of	the	
most	anyone	could	do	it,”	claimed	a	        claiming	 that	 it	 was	 harmless	 fun.	   tor	away”.                                 story,	claimed	that	her	use	was	pure-
distracted	 Smoothfertner,	 who	 had	       Mueller,	 a	 known	 liberal,	 went	 on	    	        “Why	 would	 you	 want	 to	       ly	recreational.	For	many	other	stu-
ingested	 the	 apple	 only	 moments	        to	say	that	the	apples’	“antioxidants	     keep	 me	 away?”	 asked	 local	 M.D.	      dents,	 however,	 apples	 will	 invari-
before	 the	 interview.	 “I’ve	 got	 the	   fight against cellular breakdown           and	 recent	 Baylor	 Alum	 Nabeel	         ably	lead	to	tougher	fruits	including	
munchies	hardcore	for	some	Cheez-           and	 it	 has	 Vitamin	 B	 to	 ward	 off	   Uwaydah.	“I	help	people.	An	apple	         the	 passion	 fruit,	 pomegranate	 and	
its.”                                       Rickets.”	We	here	at	The	Rope	can	         should	 keep	 something	 bad	 away,	       the	 dreaded	 tomato	 which,	 despite	
	       News	 spread	 to	 the	 admin-       only	assume	that	half	of	the	words	        like	leg-breaking	monsters.”               arguments	to	the	contrary,	is	a	fruit	
istration	and	swift	action	took	place	      in	this	deranged	rambling	are	made-        	        When	reminded	that	we	ask	        but	is	not	in	fact	that	addictive.	
several	hours	later.	Despite	no	one	        up, and that “fight[s] against cellu-      the	 hypothetical	 questions	 around	      	        If	you	or	someone	you	know	
ever	 dying	 of	 apple	 overdose	 in	       lar	breakdown”	is	hippie	street	lingo	     here,	 the	 good	 doctor	 quickly	 and	    is	using	apples,	please	get	help,	or	
the	 recorded	 history	 of	 apple	 use,	    for	“gets	you	high.”			                    sheepishly	 returned	 to	 saving	 the	     at	least	some	cinnamon	and	a	slice	
Bethany	McCraw	of	judicial	affairs	         	         Unfortunately	 for	 McCraw	      lives	 of	 countless	 innocents	 with	     of	cheddar	cheese.
expressed	heartfelt	concern	for	stu-        and her ilk, the stresses of finals        adequate	insurance	coverage.
dents	 who	 felt	 drawn	 to	 its	 seduc-    looming	 over	 each	 student	 -	 late	     	        “I	 can’t	 survive	 having	 my	
                                                                                                                                      What do you do
tive	chemical	powers.                       night	 study-sessions,	 last	 min-         parents	 here	 without	 them	 [ap-
	       “It’s	 just	 too	 accessible	 to	   ute	 panic-studying,	 and	 countless	      ples],”	 claimed	 Sophomore	 Tim	           when you’ve reached
today’s	 vulnerable	 teens.	 We	 all	       other	 typically	 unhyphenated	 tasks	     Conroy	who	went	on	to	explain	that	         the end of your Rope?
know	 they’re	 shipped	 into	 Waco	         -	 are	 causing	 many	 to	 succumb	 to	    since	 the	 “fruit	 of	 1,000	 visions”	




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