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					  GRAMPA DIES

       by

Justin Firestone




                             7600 SW 27th
                       Lincoln, NE 68523
                            402-770-6523
                   jfirestone@neb.rr.com
                                                                   1


FADE IN:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT – DAWN

HOT SCOTT, 26, is an attractive sporty young man with a couple
of unattractive accoutrements about him. He has passed out
inside of his Saab with a burrito half-eaten planted squarely on
his chest. Meat, beans, lettuce, and cheese are all smooshed
and smashed everywhere around his mouth and upper chest.

At his feet is an empty bottle of nice whiskey, and another
bottle can be seen empty at the floor mat of the passenger side.
The sun is barely over the horizon as drool drifts down his
cheeks and onto his shirt.

A ray of sunlight creeps in through the windshield and shines
heavily onto SCOTT‟S face, and he stirs a bit. Without opening
his eyes, he instinctively reaches for the burrito on his chest
and thrusts it into his mouth so that he can begin to lick out
the succulent fillings.

Still with eyes closed, he reaches at his feet for the empty
bottle of whiskey to wash the burrito down with, but as he turns
it upside down, nothing drips out. He blindly finds the other
bottle on the floor mat to his right, turns it upside down over
his mouth, but it is also empty.

With consternation, he opens his car door and stumbles outside.
It is a long walk from the parking lot to the entrance of the
retirement home, which he also performs blindly. The whole way,
he continues to suck at the burrito and swagger with unsure
movements.

There are two sets of glass double doors at the main entrance,
the outer set which is not locked, and the inner which is. He
shoves his way into the little area between the two sets of
doors and fumbles around for the doorbell. After a couple of
tries, he hits it successfully.

A loud buzz rocks his brain and he pulls the second set of doors
open.
                                                                   2


CUT TO:

INT. RETIREMENT HOME

SCOTT walks through the lobby, which is empty except for the
lone RECEPTIONIST, who is dozing at her post. He arrives at a
set of elevators and presses the up button. The doors open and
inside is ELDERLY LADY #1, who is using a wheeled walker to prop
herself up. SCOTT waits for her to step out, but she doesn‟t.

                      SCOTT
                (groggy, hoarse)
          Is this your floor ma‟am?

                      ELDERLY LADY #1
                (trembling, shrill)
          I guess so.

                      SCOTT
          Do you want to get off?

SCOTT steps into the doorway to prevent the doors from closing.

                       ELDERLY LADY #1
          No.   I‟m not hungry yet.

                       SCOTT
          Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOOR 5 HALLWAY

The doors open and SCOTT walks off the elevator, heading towards
an apartment door with a sign: “RON HATTERSON, SR.” The doors
shut as ELDERLY LADY #1 gazes ahead.

SCOTT trudges in front of the door and looks down the hallway
each way before reaching into his pockets and pulling out a set
of keys and unlocking the door. He turns the knob quietly and
walks inside, shutting the door equally quietly.
                                                                    3


CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT

The apartment itself is unremarkable other than the dozens of
condoms strewn about and the fuck-sling suspended from the
middle of the ceiling. Some of the condoms are unopened, others
appear to have been used. At the back wall by a sliding glass
door which leads out to a patio is a recliner. Resting deeply
in the recliner is GRAMPA, 65, a fairly handsome old man.

SCOTT is uninterested in GRAMPA. Instead, he is looking for
something, rummaging through the kitchenette and its cupboards.
Unsuccessful in his searching, he walks over to the recliner and
looks behind it. There he discovers what he‟s been searching
for, a bottle of whiskey that still has some whiskey in it. He
gulps a large portion and gasps.

                        SCOTT
          Smooth.

GRAMPA still is resting, but he is not moving at all. In fact,
he looks pale and SCOTT shows some concern when he notices.
There is no indication that he is even breathing. SCOTT taps
him lightly on the shoulder.

                      SCOTT
                (softly)
          Gramps. Hey, gramps.

There is no response.   SCOTT pushes GRAMPA at both shoulders and
shakes him a little.

                       SCOTT
                 (conversational volume)
          Gramps. Time to make the donuts,
          buddy.

GRAMPA is still still. His body is rigid when he is shaken and
SCOTT shows true panic. He resorts to desperate measures by
shoving his hand down the front of GRAMPA‟s pants and massaging
his genital area.
                                                                 4


                      SCOTT
                (loudly)
          The frat boys are here! They‟ve
          got nothing on but jock straps and
          socks! They‟re into older men!

GRAMPA pops up to full attention with a gasp.

                      GRAMPA
                (excited, confused)
          Where‟re they at? Tell „em I‟m
          comin‟ in!

SCOTT pulls his hand out of GRAMPA‟s pants and pats him on the
head.

                      SCOTT
          Sorry, pal. I had to lie to you.
          There‟s no frat boys here. I was
          worried you were dead.

                      GRAMPA
                (unsure)
          But, weren‟t there a whole bunch
          of frat boys here last night?
          Weren‟t they in their jock straps?
          Didn‟t we have a good time?

GRAMPA waves a hand at all the condoms around the room. He
reaches down for the whiskey and takes a big pull from it.

                      SCOTT
          Well, yeah. I was just saying
          that to get you to wake up. Have
          you had spells like that before?

                      GRAMPA
          How would I know? I thought you
          left last night.

                      SCOTT
          I thought so, too.

                      GRAMPA
          Crazy party. Crazy party.
                                                                5


                     SCOTT
         Not any crazier than the last few.

                     GRAMPA
         Well, those mushrooms did have a
         certain magic to them.

SCOTT sits down across from the recliner on a loveseat. The
fuck-sling is dangling between them at eye level. GRAMPA rubs
his chin.

                     GRAMPA
         What time is it?

                     SCOTT
         Don‟t know. Sun just came up.
         Gotta be seven, seven-thirty.

                     GRAMPA
         That gives us two hours before my
         son and his family show up. They
         always visit me on Wednesdays in
         the summertime.

                      SCOTT
         I know.   I was here last time.

                     GRAMPA
         So. Two hours. What can we do
         for two hours?

                     SCOTT
               (wryly)
         I guess I can give you a ride in
         the sling.

                     GRAMPA
               (wryly)
         Or I can give you a ride.

                     SCOTT
               (wryly)
         I don‟t know. Your heart is
         liable to give out.
                                                                   6


                    GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          Let‟s find out.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOOR 5 HALLWAY

ELDERLY LADY #2 is scooting ever so slowly down the hallway from
the farthest end to the elevators. She is pushing along a
little wheeled walker with a little wire cage on it that holds a
newspaper. As she scoots past GRAMPA‟s door, there are
conspicuous noises of hot gay sex, but she doesn‟t seem to
notice. Instead, she walks on down to the elevators and pushes
the button to go down. When the door opens, ELDERLY LADY #1 is
still there staring forward. ELDERLY LADY #2 boards the
elevator.

A loud moan busts down the hallway from GRAMPA‟s apartment and
then a shout of concern comes from SCOTT.

                      SCOTT (O.S.)
          Gramps! You alright? Your heart?
          Is it your heart?

                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          Oooooooooooooooooooooooh!

                       SCOTT (O.S.)
          What?   I‟m calling for the nurses!

                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT

SCOTT is leaning over GRAMPA while pulling his pants up and
GRAMPA is waving his hand at him while clutching at his chest.

                      GRAMPA
                (coughing)
          It‟s nothing. I‟m fine. That was
          just some good and hot gay sex,
          that‟s all.
                                                                  7


                      SCOTT
          I think we should have one of the
          nurses check you out, anyway.

                       GRAMPA
          No.   They‟ll see the sling.

                      SCOTT
          We can take it down. We‟ve got to
          for your family, anyway.

                      GRAMPA
          I‟m fine, really.

GRAMPA stands up slowly and pulls up his pants.

                      SCOTT
                (wryly)
          Next time, I get to do the
          pitching.

                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          Fastball or curveball?

                      SCOTT
                (wryly)
          Slider.

There is a loud knock on the door and SCOTT and GRAMPA look at
each other nervously.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOOR 5 HALLWAY

Outside is RON HATTERSON, JR., 42, his wife SHEILA, 41, and
their children MAGGIE and CHUCKY, 16 and 13, respectively. RON,
JR. is leaning his ear on the door, then knocks again.

                      RON, JR.
                (worried)
          Pops? You alright? We heard some
          ruckus out here.
                                                                   8


                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          I‟m just fine. Scott was helping
          me hang a plant and it…it fell off
          the hook. You‟re a little early,
          aren‟t you?

                      RON, JR.
          I‟ve got a meeting at eleven. Let
          us in and we‟ll help you clean up.

                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          No, that‟s okay. I don‟t want you
          seeing the mess. Give us a minute
          here and you can come in.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S ROOM

SCOTT and GRAMPA are hurriedly scooping up the condoms and
hiding them in various places. The opened or used ones get
thrown into the kitchenette‟s trash bin, and the unused ones are
taken into the bathroom and hidden away under the sink. GRAMPA
collects the whiskey bottles and puts them in order in the
cabinets of the kitchenette. He walks over to the door and gets
ready to open it.

                      GRAMPA
          Okay, we‟re ready to…

Before he opens the door, SCOTT rushes over and pulls him aside.
He points to the fuck-sling and GRAMPA nods.

                      GRAMPA
                (nervous)
          Just a second. There‟s still some
          dirty laundry we need to hide in
          the closet here.

GRAMPA and SCOTT unhook the sling from the ceiling and SCOTT
takes it into the bedroom and shoves it under the bed.

                      CHUCKY (O.S.)
          C‟mon, Grampa! We wanna see you!
                                                                   9


                     MAGGIE (O.S.)
          Yeah! We don‟t care if it‟s dirty
          in there.

                      SHEILA (O.S.)
          I brought some of the homemade
          cinnamon rolls you like so much.

GRAMPA heads for the door and unbolts the lock.

                      GRAMPA
          How can I refuse those cinnamon
          rolls? They‟re even better than
          Scott‟s hot sticky buns!

GRAMPA opens the door and lets the HATTERSONS inside. RON, JR.
looks around and sniffs at the air. SCOTT returns from the
bedroom and stands with agitation.

                      RON, JR.
                (concerned)
          What‟s that booze smell? And are
          you smoking again? I can smell it
          in here.

                      GRAMPA
          Oh, I fell asleep last night with
          a bottle of that non-alcoholic
          beer in my hands and spilled it
          all over the floor. You can see
          some of the stains, in fact.

GRAMPA points out a couple of stains on the floor. CHUCKY bends
down and pats one of the stains and a gooey thin strand of fluid
comes up with his fingers.

                      SHEILA
                (stiff)
          Those don‟t look like beer stains.

                      GRAMPA
          The beer has been sitting for
          awhile. It gets like that. Must
          be because it‟s non-alcoholic.
                                               10


                      RON, JR.
                (stern)
          What about the smoking? You know
          your doctor told you to quit or
          you‟ll have to go on an oxygen
          tank. Is that what you want?
          Having to carry one of those
          around all the time just so you
          can walk?

                       SCOTT
          I was the one who smoked in here.
          I know I shouldn‟t but Gramps gave
          in when I complained it was too
          hot outside.

RON, JR. leers over at SCOTT.

                      RON, JR.
          You know, Scott, at first I
          thought you were a good influence
          on my father when you volunteered
          to visit him and keep him company
          at his apartment, but the more we
          learn about you, the more I
          wonder.

                      SHEILA
          No doubt you‟ve given him a
          cigarette or two while you‟ve been
          reading the paper to him. We were
          going to let Maggie and Chucky
          stay here while Ron went to his
          meeting and I went to get my nails
          done, but I don‟t think that‟s
          such a good idea anymore.

                      CHUCKY
                (disappointed)
          Oh, mom! Grampa doesn‟t do
          anything bad around us. He plays
          fun games with us and doesn‟t
          swear or drink or smoke!
                                                               11


                      MAGGIE
          It‟s true, mom! He‟s the best.
          He even tells us to not do drugs
          and to study hard.

GRAMPA looks over to SCOTT and his muscular upper body and SCOTT
glances back with a suggestive look.

                      GRAMPA
                (concessive)
          I don‟t know kids. Maybe your
          mom‟s right. Maybe I‟m not such a
          good influence on you. You should
          probably go home and watch
          television.

                      SHEILA
                (wryly)
          Oh, no. I see you working.
          Maggie and Chucky, you stay with
          Grampa while your father and I
          take care of our errands.

                       CHUCKY
          Yes!   Alright! Party at grampa‟s!

                      RON, JR.
          There will not be a party. And if
          I smell smoke on them when we get
          back, we won‟t bring them here
          again. Got it? You‟ll have to
          come visit us with your oxygen
          tank.

                      GRAMPA
          Look, son. I may be a lot of
          things, but I‟m certainly not a
          bad grandfather. You know I love
          them to death. I wouldn‟t do
          anything to ruin their
          relationship with me.

                      SCOTT
          And I‟m leaving. You won‟t have
          to worry about me.

SCOTT heads for the door.
                                                 12



                      GRAMPA
          Thanks for…reading the paper and
          helping me clean up, Scott.

                        SCOTT
          Sure thing.    See you tomorrow.

SCOTT leaves and shuts the door behind him.

                      RON, JR.
          You let him smoke in here?    When
          you know you‟re borderline
          emphysemic?

                      GRAMPA
          It‟s just a cigarette now and
          then. You used to smoke, too, you
          know.

SHEILA looks crosswise at RON, JR.

                        SHEILA
          Is that so?

RON, JR. looks at his dad and points.

                      RON, JR.
          I learned it from watching you,
          alright?!?!

SHEILA shakes her head in disgust.

                      SHEILA
          I‟ve got to get going.

                      GRAMPA
          I promise I‟ll take good care of
          the kids.

                      RON, JR.
          Remember what I said about them
          smelling like smoke.

                        MAGGIE
          C‟mon, dad!    Grampa doesn‟t smoke!
                                                                   13


                      CHUCKY
          He doesn‟t even have cigarettes
          here.

                       RON, JR.
          Alright.   I guess we‟re okay.

RON, JR. and SHEILA turn to leave.

                      GRAMPA
          Have a nice meeting and a nice
          whatever that happens when you get
          your nails done.

They shut the door behind them. CHUCKY leans his ear up to the
door until he hears the elevator open and close. His face
lights up.

                       CHUCKY
          Alright!   They‟re gone!

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

SCOTT fumbles around with his keys and   then manages to unlock
his car door. After opening the door,    he falls into his seat
and discovers a half-eaten taco on the   passenger seat. He eats
a couple of bites from it and proceeds   to fall asleep.

RON, JR. and SHEILA walk past his car, not noticing him inside.
They argue a little as they get into their minivan.

                      RON, JR.
          There‟s nothing wrong with Scott.
          He helps out with jobs we either
          don‟t have time for or don‟t want
          to do.

                      SHEILA
          And he helps your father enable
          his smoking habit. Do you want to
          watch your father die from lung
          cancer?
                                                           14


                      RON, JR.
          You‟re blowing this way out of
          proportion.

                      SHEILA
          That coming from a former smoker.

They shut their doors and drive off.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S ROOM

CHUCKY and MAGGIE are busily setting up smoke filtration
appliances all around the apartment.

                      GRAMPA
          That was a close one, wasn‟t it?

                      CHUCKY
          Grampa, you know we‟ll stick up
          for you no matter what.

                      MAGGIE
          Yeah. Where else can I get all
          the lubricated condoms I want for
          free?

                      GRAMPA
          Planned Parenthood has quite a few
          available.

                      MAGGIE
          Yeah, but I don‟t want to look
          like a total slut.

                      CHUCKY
          I do. I can‟t wait until I have
          my first real boyfriend like
          grampa has Scott.

                      GRAMPA
          Now kids, you know that Scott is
          just a temporary thing.
                                                                 15


                      MAGGIE
          If by temporary you mean four
          years.

                      GRAMPA
          Has it been that long?

CHUCKY nods at GRAMPA.

                      CHUCKY
          Remember when you used to push me
          in the fuck-sling?

                      GRAMPA
          Heh. Those were the days. You
          can still ride in it if you want.

                      CHUCKY
          I‟m a little too old for that now.

                       MAGGIE
                 (wryly)
          Or maybe you‟re just a little too
          young.

They all three look at each other knowingly and have a hearty
guffaw.

                      GRAMPA
          Is that it? They all in place?

CHUCKY and MAGGIE look around the room and take a tally of the
smoke filtration units.

                         CHUCKY
          I count ten.

                      MAGGIE
          I only get nine.

                      GRAMPA
          I get nine, too.

                      MAGGIE
          We‟re missing the one by the
          ashtray.
                                                                  16


                       CHUCKY
          My fault.   I‟ll go get it.

CHUCKY runs into the bedroom and comes back out with the filter
and plugs it in next to the ashtray.

                       GRAMPA
          Okay.   Let‟s fire those suckers
          up!

They all run about to turn the switches on. The resulting sound
is a loud whirring drone and a large breeze whips through the
apartment, causing small pieces of paper to fly around. CHUCKY
reaches into the back of his pants and produces a carton of
cigarettes.

                      MAGGIE
          How‟d you get all those into your
          pants?

                      CHUCKY
                (wryly)
          That‟s a little secret between me
          and grampa.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

SCOTT is still asleep, but he has a taco chip dangling in his
mouth. Cheese is in his nostrils.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S ROOM

MAGGIE and CHUCKY are sitting on the couch and GRAMPA is on the
recliner. They are all smoking with smiles.

                      GRAMPA
          I hate to admit this to you, kids,
          but I absolutely love smoking.

                      MAGGIE
          That‟s a ten-four, grampa!
                                                                  17


                      CHUCKY
          No kidding! Officer Frenlee is
          always blabbin‟ about how smokin‟
          ain‟t cool, how you do it „cause
          your friends do it, or „cause your
          parents do it. It‟s none of that.
          It just tastes good.

                      GRAMPA
          And it feels good.

                      MAGGIE
          Have I told you lately how much I
          love you grampa?

                     GRAMPA
          Aw. That gets me right here,
          Maggie.

GRAMPA holds his hand over his chest and smiles. Then he grasps
at his chest and begins coughing violently. Heaving, he buckles
and falls out of his recliner.

                      MAGGIE
                (freaked out)
          Grampa! Are you alright?

                      CHUCKY
          Breathe!

CHUCKY runs over to GRAMPA with a smoke filtration unit and
shoves it in his face.

                      CHUCKY
          Breathe the good air!

GRAMPA‟S coughing slowly subsides and he gathers himself enough
to resume his position in his recliner.

                      GRAMPA
          Whoooooo! That was heavy, as we
          used to say, back when LSD was
          cheap and easy to get.

                      MAGGIE
          It‟s still pretty cheap and easy
          to get.
                                                                 18



                       GRAMPA
         Is it?    Can you swing some by next
         week?

                     CHUCKY
         You have some cash?

GRAMPA pulls a wad of cash from his pants and picks off a few
bills for CHUCKY.

                     GRAMPA
         Get me as much as you can for
         this. Keep a few dollars for the
         trouble.

                     MAGGIE
         Want any more mushrooms?

                     GRAMPA
         That‟s a negative. That last
         batch was bad news.

                     MAGGIE
         Tell me about it.

They sit in silence and puff away at their cigarettes. A
pleasant mood has filled the air. The silence lasts for a good
amount of time, but then CHUCKY stirs and frowns.

                       CHUCKY
         Grampa?

                     GRAMPA
         What, Chucky?

                     CHUCKY
         Are you going to die?

                     GRAMPA
         Oh, you know I will.    Everybody
         does.

                     CHUCKY
         But, you know. Are you going to
         die soon?
                                                                 19


                      GRAMPA
          That‟s hard to say. How can I
          know? When it‟s my time to go,
          I‟ll go out without many regrets.
          Of course, there was that one time
          I didn’t cornhole Scott, but
          that‟s small potatoes.

                       MAGGIE
          I‟m going to miss these times when
          you‟re gone.

Another silence falls, but it isn‟t the pleasant one like
before. It is much more introspective and partially gloomy.

                      GRAMPA
          Dammit! We‟re here to have fun!
          Enjoy it while it lasts! Smoke
          „em while you got „em, right?

                      CHUCKY
          Right!

                      MAGGIE
          Right!

                      GRAMPA
          Go get some of those condoms!

CHUCKY runs into the bathroom.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

SCOTT is asleep but has moved a little. In his mouth now is a
packet of sour cream and taco sauce, which he sucks in and out
involuntarily with his breathing.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S ROOM

CHUCKY is filling the condoms with water at the kitchenette sink
as MAGGIE hands them to him. GRAMPA is piling up the filled
condoms in a neat stack.
                                                                  20


                      CHUCKY
          You still have that slingshot?

                      GRAMPA
          You bet.

                      MAGGIE
          Let‟s see if we can hit the street
          this time.

                      GRAMPA
          That could be dangerous.

                       CHUCKY
          What do you care? You‟re going to
          die, anyway.

They all look at each other and share a nice guffaw.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

A large tree by the main building stands stoically, towering
over the landscape. It casts a shadow over SCOTT‟S car and he
is deeply sleeping. A breeze causes a nice drifting of the
limbs for several moments.

With a splatter, a water-filled condom strikes the tree and the
condom bursts. More and more condoms strike the tree until it
is covered with ruptured condoms, each brightly colored.

Two ELDERLY MEN with walkers pass by the tree along a sidewalk
and look up. One has a bag of oranges.

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
          Is it Christmas again already?

                      ELDERLY MAN #2
          I think so. Wasn‟t Valentine‟s
          Day last week?

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
          You‟re right. I always thought
          Thanksgiving came around only once
          a year.
                                                                 21


                      ELDERLY MAN #2
          Nope. Commies made sure Columbus
          Day came twice a year after they
          forced Jimmy Carter to resign.

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
                (confused)
          Did you remember to get the limes?

                      ELDERLY MAN #2
          Got „em right here.

ELDERLY MAN #2 shows ELDERLY MAN #1 a bag of oranges.

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
          That‟s my boy!

                      ELDERLY MAN #2
          I ain‟t your boy, buddy.

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
          I ain‟t your buddy, boy.

                      ELDERLY MAN #2
          Are you my buddy-boy?

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
          Are you my buddy-boy?

                      ELDERLY MAN #2
                (confused)
          Who are you? Why are you
          following me?

                      ELDERLY MAN #1
                (hostile)
          Get away from me!

The ELDERLY MEN scoot along in different directions.

Another water-filled condom is lobbed towards SCOTT‟S car, and
sails in perfectly through his open window. The condom explodes
on his chest and soaks him. He snorts a bit, then falls back
asleep.

RON, JR. and SHEILA pull up into the parking lot, and step out
of their minivan.
                                                                 22


                      SHEILA
          If I even suspect smoke, we‟re not
          letting them stay with him
          anymore.

                         RON, JR.
          That‟s fine.     I‟m thinking the
          same thing.

                      SHEILA
          If he‟s been up to anything
          screwy, we‟ll know. He doesn‟t
          expect us back for another hour.

                      RON, JR.
          I wish we would‟ve gotten that
          account. I know I would‟ve been
          promoted.

RON, JR. and SHEILA walk along the sidewalk towards the main
entrance. SCOTT wakes up with a snort, sees them heading into
the building, looks at his watch, becomes nervous, and grabs his
cell phone to call GRAMPA.

                      SCOTT
                (worried)
          Hey, gramps. We got trouble.
          Your son and his wife are headed
          up a little early.

SCOTT looks up at the main entrance.

                      SCOTT
          I‟d give you two minutes at the
          most. They‟re in the main
          entrance already. Maybe you can
          send out Chucky or Maggie into the
          hallway and stop the elevators.
          No. I‟m not going to run up there
          and mess with them. They don‟t
          like me already.

SCOTT hangs up and starts his car. As he drives away, he picks
up the broken condom and inspects it.
                                                                  23


                     SCOTT
          Jeez. Guess I really had fun last
          night.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOOR 5 HALLWAY

RON, JR. and SHEILA look at each other in front of the GRAMPA‟S
door.

                      RON, JR.
                (whispering)
          Guess we‟ll know if he‟s up to
          anything.

                      SHEILA
          I don‟t smell any smoke yet.

RON, JR. knocks on the door. It‟s quiet until GRAMPA unlocks
the door and opens it. Inside, MAGGIE and CHUCKY are playing a
board game. The apartment is clean, with no smoke filtration
units or condoms.

                      GRAMPA
                (surprised)
          You‟re back early, aren‟t you?

                      RON, JR.
          We didn‟t get the account.

                      GRAMPA
          You‟ll get the next big one, son.

                      SHEILA
          Kids, it‟s time to go.

                         MAGGIE
          Aw, mom.     I‟m winning!

                      CHUCKY
          No, you‟re not! I’m winning.

GRAMPA looks back at them, then turns to RON, JR.
                                                               24


                      GRAMPA
          I was ahead before I answered the
          door.

                       SHEILA
          Are you two cheating on your
          grandfather?

                      GRAMPA
          C‟mon, kids, I‟ll save the game
          the way it is, and we can continue
          it next week. That is, if you
          don‟t smell like smoke. Do you
          smell like smoke?

MAGGIE and CHUCKY smell each other.

                      CHUCKY
          We‟re clean! We‟ll always be
          smoke-free and drug-free as long
          as you‟re around to remind us.
          You know that.

                      RON, JR.
          I don‟t smell smoke, either. Just
          think about those oxygen tanks
          each time you want to light up
          again.

                      GRAMPA
                (patronizing)
          I‟ll try to remember.

FREEZE FRAME on GRAMPA‟S face.

SUPER: “THE GOOD”

MAGGIE and CHUCKY leave the apartment and board the elevator
with RON, JR. and SHEILA. ELDERLY LADY #1 is on the elevator
still when the doors open.

                      ELDERLY LADY #1
          I‟m getting hungry. I could eat a
          whole mess of beans.

CHUCKY looks up at RON, JR.
                                                               25


                      CHUCKY
                (whispering)
          She‟s as crazy as mom.

                      RON, JR.
                (whispering)
          Not quite.

The doors close.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY

A TRUCKER, 40, and a FARMER, 43, are standing in the driveway in
the middle of a discussion. They both sport mullets, billed
hats with some sort of corn logo, flannel shirts, and mustaches.
CINDY and CANDY, 3 and 4, are playing in the driveway next to
them, tossing or kicking a ball back and forth.

                      TRUCKER
                (drawl)
          Ah‟m tellin‟ ya. This guy, he
          cool. He a songer.

                      FARMER
                (worse drawl)
          Songer? What the hell that mean?

                      TRUCKER
          Songer. You know, he write his
          own song, then he sing it up on
          stage.

                      FARMER
          You mean he a singer.    Sing his
          song.

                      TRUCKER
          No. Songer. Songer mean he the
          one wrote the song, and he the one
          singin‟ it. Differen‟ from bein‟
          a singer.
                                                               26


                      FARMER
          So whyn‟t ya say he sing a song he
          wrote? Then you don‟ gotta make
          up a word.

                      TRUCKER
          But that what the word mean. You
          say he a songer, and then you don‟
          gotta worry about esplainin‟ he
          wrote the song, too.

CINDY kicks the ball up towards the front door of the house, and
the two chase it. CANDY whispers in CINDY‟S ear and they
giggle. They go inside. The TRUCKER and FARMER don‟t seem to
notice.

                       FARMER
          Whyn‟t ya jus‟ call „im an
          entertainer?

                      TRUCKER
          Entertainer don‟ even imply he
          wrote the song. Entertainer,
          hell, that mean he could be a mag-
          ama-gician. White tigers an‟
          whatnot.

                      FARMER
          At least entertainer‟s a word.

                      TRUCKER
          That‟s ma whole point. They don‟
          gotta word for what he is. So I
          made one for it. Songer. He sing
          the song he wrote.

                      FARMER
          Whaddabout singer slash
          songwriter? That cover it preddy
          well.

                      TRUCKER
                (incensed)
          No no no. That take too long ta
          say. Singer slash songwriter,
          that too long. Songer. Simple.
                                                                27


                      FARMER
          But nobody know what a songer is.

                      TRUCKER
          I jus‟ tole you what it was.
          Songer. He write the song, he
          sing the song. He a songer.

A loud crashing sound comes from inside the garage.   The TRUCKER
and FARMER look startled.

                         FARMER
          Whawas that?

                      TRUCKER
          Where Cindy an‟ Candy go?

They run up to the front door and try to open it, but it is
locked.

                      FARMER
          You got the keys?

                       TRUCKER
          No.   What they doin‟ in there?

                      FARMER
          I dunno. We better get in there
          quick or their parents gonna be
          way mad at us.

The TRUCKER knocks on the door loudly.

                      TRUCKER
                (worried)
          Candy! Cindy! Open up the door
          now. Let in your uncles an‟ be
          good girls.

The sounds of muffled giggling are heard.

The TRUCKER and FARMER head over to a bay window where they can
see inside. CINDY runs past with a roll of duct tape, and CANDY
runs past holding scissors point up.
                                                               28


                      TRUCKER
          Aw, man! Don‟ run with scissors!
          Jeezamachripes! Oh, man! She
          gonna poke her eye out. Aw! Oh!

                      FARMER
                (yelling)
          Candy! Don‟ be runnin‟ with the
          scissor now. You know that ain‟
          no good.

                      CANDY (O.S)
          We fix the car!

                      TRUCKER
                (confused)
          Fix the car? How you gonna fix
          the car with duct tape an‟
          scissors?

                      FARMER
          Remember when you done that to
          your truck?

                      TRUCKER
          Oh, yeah. I guess duct tape solve
          a whole lotta prollems.

Some clanging noises are heard from the garage, and the TRUCKER
and FARMER try to peek into the side window. They see CINDY and
CANDY run past and then back into the house. The TRUCKER and
FARMER run over to the bay window to yell at the girls.

                      FARMER
          Let your uncles in, awright? We
          know how to fix the car. You can
          sit an‟ watch the teevee when we
          get inside. We won‟ watch the
          huntin‟ show no more.

                      TRUCKER
          That‟s a pah-rom-ise!

CINDY and CANDY walk past holding a circular saw and giggle some
more. They stop at the window and wave.
                                                                  29


                       TRUCKER
          Aw, man!   That ain‟t no good.

The TRUCKER and FARMER slump down on their butts and take their
hats off.

                      FARMER
          We gon‟ haveta break down that
          door, or one of „em gonna cut up
          the other.

                      TRUCKER
          I jus‟ hope they don‟ fin‟ the arc
          welder.

The noises of a circular saw and the sight of bright sparks
flying come from the garage and its side window.

                      FARMER
          I guess they fixin‟ the car real
          good.

The TRUCKER begins thrusting his shoulder against the door, but
nothing happens. The FARMER joins in. There is still no
movement in the door. Then they hear an engine starting and run
for the garage window. They watch as a minivan inside backs up
through the shut garage door and the minivan‟s top half falls
off. The top falls to the driveway and the minivan comes to a
crash stop against a light pole.

FREEZE FRAME on the FARMER‟S loose teeth and pock-marked face.

SUPER: “THE UGLY”

CUT TO:

INT. CHILDREN‟S CLOWN SHOW SET

The show is on-air and live in front of a studio audience chock
full of children of various ages. Most of them are in
elementary school, a few are older. Some of them are sitting
with their parents.
                                                                  30


On stage are BUNKY THE CLOWN, 50, and his sidekick, COOTER
MCCLETUS, 35. BUNKY has white face paint, bright orange hair in
a wild afro pattern, and a suit colored red, white, and blue.
COOTER looks more akin to a hobo train hopper, with overalls and
a hat with a piece of hay sticking out of it.

The comedy onstage apparently stems from BUNKY strapping COOTER
into a straitjacket, and the process is nearly done.

                       BUNKY
          Okay!   That‟s the last strap kids!

                      COOTER
          I hope I can get out in time!

                      BUNKY
          You know the drill. Cooter here
          has two minutes to escape from the
          straitjacket or what does he get?

                      AUDIENCE
                (boisterous)
          A big mess of cream to the face!

BUNKY leans into COOTER‟S ear.

                       BUNKY
                 (whispering, wryly)
          If only they knew what kind of
          cream.

                      COOTER
                (whispering)
          I‟m going to get out this time.

                      BUNKY
          I rigged the clock so it only
          counts one minute, even though it
          says two. Plus, this time, I
          switched the trick jacket for the
          real thing.

COOTER backs away and begins struggling.    BUNKY starts the
clock.
                                                                 31


                      BUNKY
                (jovial)
          There he goes kids! I hope you
          got the cream ready! You know, I
          think he likes getting shot in the
          face with cream!

The audience begins yelling and stirring when they see a
mechanical contraption with a huge cream pie loaded onto it. It
looks like a catapult of sorts. BUNKY works it over to COOTER,
and the clock is ticking down to only a few seconds left.
COOTER realizes he‟s not made any progress and stops struggling,
kneels into position with BUNKY guiding his head near to his
crotch, and waits until a buzzer sounds.

                      AUDIENCE
          Hit him in the face with that big
          load of cream!

                      BUNKY
          Okay!

BUNKY pulls a lever and the massive pie covers BUNKY. Then a
puff of smoke conceals the stage and he disappears into the
backstage area.

                      BUNKY
          That‟s all the time we have today,
          folks! Maybe Bunky will get out
          of the straitjacket in time for
          tomorrow‟s show! But I hope he
          doesn‟t! I‟ve got a lot of
          special cream to hit him in the
          face with backstage!

                      AUDIENCE
          Goodnight Bunky!

                      BUNKY
          Goodnight everybody!

BUNKY waves goodbye and walks offstage after donning a top hat
and producing a cane. Calliope music toots and the children
roar with applause.
                                                              32


CUT TO:

INT. BUNKY‟S DRESSING ROOM

BUNKY steps in and shuts the door behind him. He locks the door
and sits down in front of a long mirror to begin removing his
hair and makeup. In the reflection is a mysterious pile covered
with a blanket.

                      BUNKY
          Well, let‟s see here.

BUNKY looks at a tablet with hundreds of tally marks.

                       BUNKY
                 (contemplative)
          Four hundred and seventeen. Four
          hundred and seventeen so far.
          Only five hundred and eighty three
          to go, and then you can have my
          job. That‟s what we agreed upon,
          right?

There is silence as BUNKY continues to remove his makeup.

                      BUNKY
          Well, there‟s no guarantee you‟ll
          get my job, but I promise to
          recommend you very highly. In
          fact, I would go so far as to say
          you‟re the best available. Of
          course, if you renege on our deal
          in any way, if you feel like you
          need to back out, I can almost
          guarantee you‟ll never work in
          this business again.

BUNKY stops suddenly, looks in the mirror at the blanket, and
reaches back to pull the sheet off. Underneath is COOTER, still
in the straitjacket.

                      BUNKY
          Well? Are you gonna sit there, or
          are you gonna work your way to the
          top?
                                                                 33


BUNKY swivels around and unzips his pants.    COOTER bends forward
and starts going to town.

FREEZE FRAME on BUNKY‟S pleased, makeup-streaked face.

SUPER: “THE BAD”

CUT TO:

INT. ADULT BOOKSTORE

GRAMPA is walking around, scoping out all the wares. He is
dressed in a white fedora, a tight tank-top, and tight short
shorts. He is smoking a cigarette through a long holder and
stops now and then to inspect something up close.

The PORN CLERK, 35, steps out from behind the desk when GRAMPA
stops in front of the inflatable doll section. He is also
smoking and looks to be fairly disreputable.

                      PORN CLERK
          May I offer some recommendations,
          sir?

                         GRAMPA
          You may.     You may, indeed.

The PORN CLERK hands over an inflatable lady in a box.

                      PORN CLERK
          She‟s our number one. All the
          guys love Loose Louise!

GRAMPA looks at it and hands it back.

                      GRAMPA
          It‟s amazing these days that I can
          dress and walk and talk like a
          bona fide homosexual and some
          people still think I‟m straight.
                                                               34


                      PORN CLERK
          Oh, I didn‟t wish to offend you,
          sir. You certainly dress like a
          homosexual. Hell, the cigarette
          holder is a pretty good sign.
          It‟s just that, well, the
          inflatable Louise here, she‟s got
          three holes you can fill.
          Inflatable Tommy, why he‟s only
          got two, if you catch my drift.

                      GRAMPA
          Duly noted. Louise would
          certainly provide more holes to
          fill.

                      PORN CLERK
          And there‟s always the inflatable
          sheep. And we just got in a new
          one the other day, not even out on
          the shelves yet. It‟s an
          inflatable piece of Swiss cheese.
          Lots of holes in that. Great
          party starter, if you catch my
          drift.

                       GRAMPA
                 (disinterestedly)
          I suppose I‟d take a look at it.
          Bring it out here and we‟ll fill
          it up.

The PORN CLERK leers at GRAMPA.

                      GRAMPA
          With air.

                     PORN CLERK
          Right. Right! We‟ll fill it up
          with air. That‟s a good idea.

The PORN CLERK heads to a backroom. The TRUCKER comes in and
starts looking through the gay porn section. GRAMPA walks over
to also look at the movies, but tries to keep some distance away
from the TRUCKER.
                                                               35


The TRUCKER pulls a movie off the shelf and looks at the back of
the box.

                      TRUCKER
                (disappointed)
          Aw, man! When they gonna quit
          with the chicks with dicks crap?
          Not as bad as dudes with buginas,
          I reckon.

GRAMPA ignores him. The TRUCKER finds another movie to inspect.
This time it‟s a movie that features older men on the cover.

                      TRUCKER
          Hmm…one here‟s got some older men
          in it. I think I mebbe might lahk
          that. Yeah. I‟m into older men
          awright.

GRAMPA looks up at him.

                      GRAMPA
                (sassy)
          I‟m terribly sorry, but I wouldn‟t
          let you cornhole me if you paid
          me.

                      TRUCKER
          What about you cornhole me?   And
          I‟ll pay you.

                      GRAMPA
          That‟s a no-can-do. I‟m not into
          toothless mullet hicks.

                      TRUCKER
          Jeez! You‟re mean old man.    Ah‟m
          as good as it get.

                      GRAMPA
          You see, I‟m into younger men, you
          know, college boys. Good-looking
          guys? Guys who are attractive to
          me? Guys I want to have sex with?
          Guys full of energy who can take
          it for hours while blowing someone
          else? Any of this sound like you?
                                                              36



                      TRUCKER
          I‟m not that ugly.

                      GRAMPA
          No, for a Cro-Magnon, I imagine
          you‟re quite attractive. Jump
          into your time machine and go back
          a few millennia and you could be
          very popular.

                      TRUCKER
          I don‟t lahk you. I‟s jus‟ tryin‟
          to be nice to ya.

                      GRAMPA
          I believe, if I‟m not mistaken,
          you were jus’ tryin’ to cornhole
          me.

The PORN CLERK returns with the inflatable Swiss cheese and
begins to fill it up with air. He talks between puffs.

                      PORN CLERK
          You‟re going to love this. It‟s
          gotten some really good reviews.
          Check the box.

GRAMPA grabs the box and peruses it. It has various statements
about its uses and abilities to please. The TRUCKER snoops over
GRAMPA‟S shoulder and reads aloud.

                      TRUCKER
                (slowly)
          For all your party needs.

                       GRAMPA
          Good!   Cro-Magnon can read.

                      TRUCKER
          Eight holes that need filling.
                                                                 37


                      PORN CLERK
          With a little lubrication they
          create a little vacuum sensation
          as you‟re pumping away at it.
          It‟s feels a lot like a real
          vagina.

The PORN CLERK puts the final puff into it and caps the seal.

                      PORN CLERK
          Well, or like a real anus, I
          suppose. There she is, boys.

GRAMPA and the TRUCKER take turns looking at it and turning it
around and poking into the holes with their fingers.

                      PORN CLERK
          You guys can go try it out in one
          of the rooms, but then you‟re
          obligated to purchase it, of
          course. All sales are final.


                       TRUCKER
          C‟mon!   Let‟s take „er fer a spin!

                      GRAMPA
          I don‟t think so. I don‟t want
          you movin‟ my cheese.

BUNKY enters the store and looks at everyone around the Swiss
cheese.

                      BUNKY
          If I‟m intruding on anything,
          boys, I‟ll be glad to come back in
          a few minutes.

                      PORN CLERK
          No, sir! We‟re only inspecting
          some of the new shipment.

                      BUNKY
          Got any other types of inflatable
          cheeses?
                                              38


                      PORN CLERK
          No. We did get an inflatable bald
          eagle, if you‟re feeling
          patriotic.

                      BUNKY
          I don‟t do birds.

                      TRUCKER
          Man, you gotta take what you kin
          git.

                      GRAMPA
          Like this cheese here?

                      BUNKY
          I don‟t do cheeses.

                      GRAMPA
          Says here that you‟ll forget all
          the past bad experiences you‟ve
          had with other cheeses when you
          gang bang it.

SCOTT walks in with three FRAT BOYS.

                         SCOTT
          Hey, gramps!

                      GRAMPA
          Hello, boys. You were all
          fantastic last night.

                      SCOTT
          How was babysitting? Did I give
          you enough heads-up to get the
          place cleaned?

                      GRAMPA
          Barely, but we made out fine.

                      PORN CLERK
          Let‟s see. There‟s four of you
          and there are four of us. That
          makes eight. Anyone thinking what
          I‟m thinking?
                                                                 39


                      TRUCKER
          Ayuh! Ayuh! Less all go get a
          medium-size pizza and we kin all
          have a piece!

                      GRAMPA
          I think he was thinking more along
          the line of Swiss cheese.

                      TRUCKER
          I don‟ think I kin eat a whole
          slice a Swiss. Never did lahk it
          too much.

The PORN CLERK coughs and taps on the inflatable Swiss cheese.

                      TRUCKER
          Oh! Raht! We kin all go cornhole
          the cheese in the back!

SCOTT turns to the FRAT BOYS.

                      SCOTT
          Whaddaya think? Up for it?

                     FRAT BOY #1
          Sure. I could gang bang a nice
          cheese.

                       FRAT BOY #2
          Yeah.   The cheese is the juice.

FRAT BOY #3 looks over at the other two FRAT BOYS.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Oh, no. Don‟t look at us. You‟ve
          got to make this decision on your
          own.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          I don‟t want to. I‟m afraid of
          cheeses.

                      GRAMPA
          If you don‟t join in the fun,
          we‟ll have one unused hole. Seems
          a little uneconomical, doesn‟t it.
                                                               40



                      PORN CLERK
          And, if you join in, you can keep
          the cheese.

                      TRUCKER
          Who getta keep it?

                      BUNKY
          I propose the last to come gets to
          take it home with them.

Everyone looks around at each other and nods.

                       PORN CLERK
          That‟s it!   Let‟s head to the back
          room.

The PORN CLERK turns the “OPEN” sign around to indicate that the
store is closed. They head into the back room and the sounds of
hot gay sex with an inflatable Swiss cheese wheel are heard.

After a moment, a BANK ROBBER sneaks into the store and pulls
off his ski mask. He has a gun and a brown paper bag. It is
evident that he is agitated and looking for a place to hide. He
ducks behind the counter and sits, listening with a cocked ear
to the sounds of passionate pumping.

A few loud moans are heard.

                      TRUCKER (O.S.)
          Guess it jus‟ you an‟ me, pops!

                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          I got a lot left in me.

The sounds increase in speed and frequency, until a tiny pop is
heard, followed by a high-pitched whizzing sound. The
inflatable cheese flies into the sales floor and flies around in
ragged loop-de-loop patterns. The BANK ROBBER watches with
fear, pointing his gun at it. He puts his brown bag down behind
the counter.

                      GRAMPA (O.S.)
          I‟ll go get it.
                                                                  41


GRAMPA runs into the sales floor zipping up his pants and tries
to chase the cheese down. It is still whirring around with
great velocity. He sees the BANK ROBBER and the gun.

                      GRAMPA
          Hey. We don‟t want any trouble
          here. We‟re just gang banging a
          piece of cheese. Take all the
          money.

                      BANK ROBBER
                (Bronx accent)
          I already took all the money, from
          the bank! You think I need any of
          your dirty money?

A POLICEMAN walks in and points his gun at the BANK ROBBER, who
is still following the cheese with his gun.

                      POLICEMAN
          Drop the gun!

There is no response from the BANK ROBBER.

                      POLICEMAN
          On your knees!

GRAMPA gets down with his hands in the air, still watching the
cheese fly around.

                      GRAMPA
          You don‟t know how often I‟ve
          heard that before.

The BANK ROBBER starts to freak out.

                      BANK ROBBER
          You‟re not gettin‟ me, copper!
          And your flyin‟ cheese ain‟t
          stoppin‟ me, neither!
                                                               42


The BANK ROBBER shoots at the cheese, misses, hits GRAMPA in the
chest. GRAMPA falls down, red stain spreading on his chest.
The BANK ROBBER turns to shoot the POLICEMAN, but the cheese
lands on his face with a wet and sticky slap, and he misses.
The POLICEMAN shoots the cheese, direct hit, and the BANK ROBBER
stumbles over to GRAMPA, falls, and mumbles something under his
breath.

Everyone from the back room runs out to see what has been going
on. The TRUCKER sees the cheese, tries to pick it up.

                     POLICEMAN
          Stop! That‟s evidence!   Don‟t
          touch it!

                      TRUCKER
          Aw, man! It ain‟ evdints. It a
          piece a Swiss cheese we bin
          cornholin‟!

                       POLICEMAN
          Right. Maybe it‟s best if you go
          ahead and remove that from the
          crime scene.

The TRUCKER picks up the cheese and sees a mess of blood.

                         SCOTT
          Crime scene?

                      POLICEMAN
          Didn‟t you hear? Bank robbery.
          Got away with the biggest heist in
          decades.

                      BUNKY
          Where‟s the money?

                      POLICEMAN
          He hid it. Did he say anything or
          have anything with him?

SCOTT looks down at GRAMPA.

                      SCOTT
          Hey! Someone shot gramps!   Call
          an ambulance!
                                                              43



                     POLICEMAN
          Damn! I‟m always forgetting
          something.

The POLICEMAN grabs a walkie-talkie.

                      POLICEMAN
          Breaker-breaker 10-4 good buddy.
          Yeah, we need an ambulance here at
          the porno store. Yup. No.
          That‟s a 10-4 over and out.

GRAMPA wakes up, starts to stand.

                       SCOTT
          Gramps!   You‟re alive?!?!

GRAMPA looks at his chest, touches it, pulls out a flask with a
bullet in it from his shirt pocket.

                      GRAMPA
          Heh. Good ole Bloody Mary comes
          in handy again!

                       POLICEMAN
          10-4 10-5.   That‟s a no on the
          ambulance.

GRAMPA stands up, dusts off his shirt.

                      GRAMPA
          Let‟s see, where were we? Me and
          the trucker were left. Should we
          finish what we started?

                      TRUCKER
          Man, the cheese got a big hole in
          it, plus a mess a blood.

                      PORN CLERK
          I suppose we could open another
          one, but I expect you to pay for
          it.
                                                                44


                      GRAMPA
          Forget about it. I was going to
          win. No need to prove it.

                      POLICEMAN
          What‟s this all about now?

                       PORN CLERK
          We got a new shipment of
          inflatable Swiss cheese we‟ve been
          testing out.

                      POLICEMAN
          Got room for an extra man back
          there?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          You can take over my hole.   That
          cheese is a rough ride.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          Not for me. It was almost like
          when we all were at that rest area
          a couple of years ago.

                      GRAMPA
          I remember that. I think I was on
          my way home from vacation.

                      POLICEMAN
          Well, I got about seven or eight
          minutes before HQ starts to wonder
          where I‟m at. Let‟s get it on.

Everyone heads back to the back room, except for FRAT BOY #3,
who steps outside.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE ADULT BOOKSTORE

FRAT BOY #3 lights up a cigarette and leans up against the wall.
People walking by give him dirty looks until a cute girl, CINDY,
age 8, walks up in a blue dress and bonnet.

                      CINDY
          Whatcha doin‟, mister?
                                              45



                     FRAT BOY #3
         Just smokin‟. Waitin‟ around.

                     CINDY
         Watcha waitin‟ for?

                       FRAT BOY #3
         My friends.

                     CINDY
         Are they inside that store? Mom
         says it‟s a bad place for bad
         people.

                     FRAT BOY #3
         When you get a little older, you
         might like going inside.

                     CINDY
         I don‟t think so.     Baby Jesus
         wouldn‟t like it.

                     FRAT BOY #3
         I suppose you‟re right.

CINDY turns and twirls her hair.

                     CINDY
         You have a girlfriend?      You‟re
         cute.

                      FRAT BOY #3
         No.   I‟m gay.

                     CINDY
         That‟s a funny name for a guy.

                     FRAT BOY #3
         Gay isn‟t my name.

                       CINDY
         What is it?

                     FRAT BOY #3
         It‟s more of a…lifestyle.
                                                                 46


                       CINDY
          No!   What‟s your name, silly?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          That‟s not important.

                      CINDY
          Well, what‟s gay, then?

FRAT BOY #3 puffs and exhales, thinks a moment, begins talking
slowly.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          You know how you like boys?

                       CINDY
          Yeah.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          What do you like about them?

                      CINDY
          I dunno. They got neat hair. And
          faces. I like the way they talk.
          They smell good.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          That‟s what I like about boys,
          too, except I like their shapes,
          and the way they feel and the way
          they can make me feel.

                      CINDY
          Do you like their penises?

                       FRAT BOY #3
          Yeah.   I especially like them.

                      CINDY
          My dad has a penis. Does that
          mean you like him, too?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          I can‟t say for sure. Not until I
          meet him.
                                                              47


                      CINDY
          Well, here he comes!

FRAT BOY #3 hurriedly puts out the cigarette and becomes
nervous, tries to head inside. CINDY‟S DAD, 35, attractive,
walks up and grabs CINDY‟S hand.

                      CINDY
          Daddy, this man is very nice.   Can
          we have him over for dinner?

                      CINDY‟S DAD
          I doubt he‟s too nice, hanging
          around here. I thought we told
          you to stay away from this place?

                      CINDY
          I didn‟t go in. Well, what do you
          think of my dad? Do you like him?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Yeah. He‟s nice. You‟ve got a
          very nice dad.

                      CINDY
          I like him, too.

                      CINDY‟S DAD
          C‟mon, pumpkin. We‟ve got to get
          home.

                       CINDY
          Okay.   Bye-bye, mister!

                       FRAT BOY #3
          Bye-bye.

CINDY and CINDY‟S DAD walk away.

The POLICEMAN steps outside, buckling his belt.

                     POLICEMAN
          Man! That is some piece of
          cheese.

                       FRAT BOY #3
          Who won?
                                                               48



                      POLICEMAN
          I don‟t know. I know I was first
          to lose. Feels like a real anus
          when you get that suction action
          going. And eight people plowing
          away, what a rush!

                      FRAT BOY #3
                (suggestively)
          Yeah. Say, when you get off
          tonight, would you mind arresting
          me?

                      POLICEMAN
                (wryly)
          Absolutely. I bet you‟re a little
          livelier than that cheese.

FRAT BOY #3 hands the POLICEMAN a card with contact information
on it and heads inside. When he opens the door, the cheese
flies out with the same whizzing and whirring noise and lands on
a passerby‟s face.

                      TRUCKER (O.S.)
          Dagummit! I was about to blow a
          load into that thing!

CUT TO:

INT. ADULT BOOKSTORE

BUNKY is sneaking around behind the counter, and discovers the
brown paper bag. He looks into it, trying to hide, but the PORN
CLERK catches him. FRAT BOY #3 enters.

                      PORN CLERK
          What‟s in the bag?

                         BUNKY
          Nothing.     Just some lunch.

                         PORN CLERK
          Prove it.

BUNKY upends the bag and a Thermos, sandwich, and a fortune
cookie fall out.
                                                                  49



                      GRAMPA
          Guess I do need some nourishment
          after all that banging.

GRAMPA grabs the sandwich and begins eating it. BUNKY opens up
the cookie. The TRUCKER grabs the Thermos and opens it.

                      SCOTT
          I guess if it‟s lunchtime, me and
          the boys are gonna head out and
          make a condom run.

                      PORN CLERK
          And I better mop down the floor
          back there.

SCOTT and the FRAT BOYS leave.   The PORN CLERK heads into the
back room.

GRAMPA bites into something hard.   He pulls a key out of his
mouth.

                       GRAMPA
          Hmm.   I wonder what this is for.

BUNKY reads his fortune.

                      BUNKY
          This has an address on it.

The TRUCKER is drinking from the Thermos.     He has a piece of
paper stuck to his lips.

                      BUNKY
          Say, dearie, you‟ve got something
          on your lips.

The TRUCKER pulls the paper off and looks at it.

                      GRAMPA
          What‟s it say?

                       TRUCKER
          Nothin‟.
                                                    50


                      BUNKY
          Turn it over.

The TRUCKER looks at the other side.

                      TRUCKER
          Jus‟ the name of a city.

                      GRAMPA
          Suppose it‟s where the loot‟s
          hidden?

                      BUNKY
          That would be my guess.

                       TRUCKER
          What loot?

GRAMPA and BUNKY look at the TRUCKER with glares.

                      TRUCKER
          Oh, yeah! Bank money. Mus‟ be in
          Beverly…uh. I dunno. Mus‟ be
          somewhere around here somewhere.

                      BUNKY
          Like Beverly Hills?

                      TRUCKER
          Nope. Not there. Somewhere
          Beverly else. Aw, man! Why momma
          make me so dumb?

                      GRAMPA
          We can‟t head there yet.     The
          police might follow us.

                      TRUCKER
          We kin all git in my truck. Yew
          kin hide in tha back, an‟ I kin
          pratend ah‟m a-drivin‟ a load up
          there.
                                                                  51


                      BUNKY
          We can‟t leave yet. Gramps is
          right. Too much heat around here.
          They‟re probably going to tail us
          when we leave.

                      GRAMPA
          Let‟s meet at my place tonight for
          a little fun before we head out.

                      BUNKY
          Alright. Maybe you should give me
          the key for safe keeping?

                      GRAMPA
          I like it where it is.

                      BUNKY
                (wryly)
          Not even for a little somethin‟-
          somethin‟?

                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          How about you give me the
          somethin‟-somethin‟, and then we
          meet at my place?

                       BUNKY
          Deal.

                      TRUCKER
          Whaddabout me? Lemme watch.

                      BUNKY
          Why don‟t you go finish off the
          Swiss cheese instead.

The TRUCKER thinks about it.

                       TRUCKER
          Yeah!   Awright!

GRAMPA and BUNKY head to the back room.   The TRUCKER leaves in
search of the Swiss cheese.
                                                                 52


CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT – NIGHT

The TRUCKER, GRAMPA, and BUNKY are all enjoying a drink and
lounging. The TRUCKER looks up and sees all the eyehooks
hanging from the ceiling.

                      TRUCKER
          You gotta lotta plants, or sumpin?

                      GRAMPA
          When my son and his family come
          over, I try to remember to put the
          plants up. For the most part,
          it‟s where I hang the pleasure
          swing.

                      BUNKY
          I‟ll have to try that some night.

                      GRAMPA
          Normally, I‟d have a few friends
          over tonight and you could try it
          out.

                      BUNKY
          Are you saying we‟re not your
          friends?

                       TRUCKER
          Yeah!   C‟mon, man. Less pudditup.

                      GRAMPA
          You know, I don’t think of you as
          friends yet. At least not
          pleasure-swing friends. A few
          more drinks and a whole bunch of
          pre-stolen money later, and I
          might think about hooking up the
          sling.

They all continue to drink, when there is a knock at the door.
There is some concern, and GRAMPA motions for BUNKY and the
TRUCKER to hide in his bedroom. They comply, and GRAMPA walks
up to the door.
                                                           53


                       GRAMPA
          Yes?

                      MAGGIE (O.S.)
          It‟s just me and Chucky, grampa.

                      GRAMPA
          Aren‟t you out a little late?

GRAMPA opens the door and MAGGIE and CHUCKY step inside.

                      CHUCKY
          It‟s never too late to make a
          delivery.

CHUCKY hands GRAMPA a brown bag.

                      GRAMPA
          Oh, right! Hey fellas, you can
          come on back in now. It‟s just my
          grandchildren.

BUNKY and the TRUCKER return to their seats.

                      BUNKY
          Pleased to meet you.

                       TRUCKER
          Yup.   Ah please ah meet.

The TRUCKER lifts his drink in a toasting gesture.

                      MAGGIE
          It‟s not as good as the stuff you
          had last night, but I think it‟ll
          do the trick.

CHUCKY looks over at BUNKY and his face light up.

                      CHUCKY
          Hey, I recognize you! You‟re
          Bunky! Bunky the clown!

                       BUNKY
          Indeed.
                                                54


                      CHUCKY
          Grampa, why didn‟t you tell me you
          had a celebrity friend?

                      GRAMPA
          Well, I guess I didn‟t know who he
          was.

                      MAGGIE
                (wryly)
          Grampa, that‟s not like you,
          having strange men in your
          apartment.

                      CHUCKY
          The stranger, the better.   Right,
          grampa?

                      GRAMPA
          There‟s little expectation of a
          phone call the following day,
          that‟s for sure.

CHUCKY runs over to BUNKY and fawns over him.

                      CHUCKY
          Is it true that celebrities have
          lots of sex with everyone?

BUNKY thinks for a moment.

                      BUNKY
          Let‟s just say only the top
          celebrities, like myself, have
          such privileges.

                      CHUCKY
          And do your assistants give you
          blowjobs? I bet your sidekick,
          Cooter, is your backstage bitch.
          Right?

                      BUNKY
          That‟s insider information.
                                                                  55


                      MAGGIE
          Chucky, leave him alone. He‟s
          only here to have some fun.

                      CHUCKY
          Alright. One last thing. When
          I‟m older, can I be your sidekick?

                      BUNKY
          The station is always taking
          applications, and I‟m always
          looking for talented assistants.

                      GRAMPA
          Kids, I‟m sorry, but we‟ve got
          some business here to attend to.

                       MAGGIE
          Yeah.   Business alright.

MAGGIE and CHUCKY turn to leave, but MAGGIE stops for a closing
statement.

                      MAGGIE
          By the way, there‟s an undercover
          cop in the parking lot.

                      TRUCKER
          How you know he undercover?

                      CHUCKY
          Because he‟s under the covers with
          that frat boy in the backseat.

                      GRAMPA
          Thanks for the heads up.

                      MAGGIE
          There‟s a couple of heads up in
          that backseat, that‟s for sure.
          And there‟s an inflatable piece of
          Swiss cheese.

The TRUCKER stands up and hurries for the door.

                      TRUCKER
          Man, that cheese is good!
                                                                  56



GRAMPA grabs him by the shoulders.

                      GRAMPA
          There‟s a lot more cheese where it
          came from. And in a few hours,
          you‟ll be able to buy all of the
          cheese.

                      MAGGIE
          Well, I don‟t know what‟s going on
          here, but I‟m leaving before I
          find out. Let‟s go, Chucky.

MAGGIE and CHUCKY leave. GRAMPA opens the bag and finds some
mushroom pieces. The TRUCKER sits back down.

                      GRAMPA
Although I won‟t put up the sling, I will share some of my most
favorite hallucinogenic drugs with you.

GRAMPA dangles the bag of mushroom pieces.

                       BUNKY
          Yeah.   Alright.

                        TRUCKER
          Whaddit do?

                      GRAMPA
          If, when they hit you, you are
          able to curb your desire to talk
          to dogs and hold back the general
          sense of paranoia, these little
          nuggets of joy will allow you to
          travel places you‟ve never been.

                      TRUCKER
          Like Montana?

                      BUNKY
                (sarcastically)
          Exactly. You‟ll feel like you‟re
          in Montana.

                       TRUCKER
          Awright.   Less go to Montana.
                                                                 57



GRAMPA divvies up the pieces which they eat and wash down with
their drinks. There is a lull in activity as they sit around
staring at each other or the floor or ceiling, waiting for the
drugs to kick in.

                      TRUCKER
          You feelin‟ it yet?

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

FRAT BOY #3 and the POLICEMAN are in the backseat of a police
cruiser, making loud hot gay sex. The cruiser is rocking back
and forth until and inflatable Swiss cheese pops and whizzes
around the inside of the backseat.

                       FRAT BOY #3
          That‟s alright. Let‟s just stick
          to cornholing each other for
          awhile. That cheese was starting
          to chafe me.

                      POLICEMAN
          I can handle that. You grab your
          ankles and I‟ll pound away for
          awhile. Then, I‟ll grab my ankles
          and you can pound away for awhile.
          How‟s that sound?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          It‟ll be like when I was on the
          football team. I was a tight end
          receiver.

                      POLICEMAN
          I‟ll be the judge of that.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT

No one has moved from their seats.

                      TRUCKER
          You feelin‟ it yet?
                                                                58



CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

The POLICEMAN and FRAT BOY #3 are in the front seat of the
police cruiser now, smoking cigarettes.

                      POLICEMAN
          I know this is going to sound
          rude, but I should probably cuff
          you and put you in the back.

                         FRAT BOY #3
                   (wryly)
          Kinky.

                      POLICEMAN
          No. It‟s just that it‟d be a lot
          easier explaining why you were in
          the car if I pretended like you
          were under arrest.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          I still like it. One thing,
          though. How am I going to blow
          you if I‟m in the back?

The POLICEMAN dangles his handcuffs in front of FRAT BOY #3‟s
face.

                      POLICEMAN
          I‟m pretty flexible. Put your
          hands behind your back.

A call comes on the radio as he cuffs FRAT BOY #3‟s hands.

                      DISPATCH (O.S.)
          Breaker four-niner. What‟s your
          current location?

The POLICEMAN grabs his radio and responds.

                      POLICEMAN
          I‟m currently investigating
          reports of lewd homosexual
          misconduct at an old folks‟ home.
                                                              59



                      DISPATCH (O.S.)
          Please report back to HQ when
          finished.

                      POLICEMAN
                (wryly)
          It might be awhile. I think the
          reports are true.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT

No one has moved still.

                      TRUCKER
          You feelin‟ it? I‟m not feelin‟
          it.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

FRAT BOY #3 is cuffed in the backseat, and the POLICEMAN is
behind the wheel. He‟s watching the building intently.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          You certainly are flexible.

                      POLICEMAN
          I‟ve practiced that position quite
          a bit. You‟d be surprised how
          easy it is to get a blowjob from a
          criminal cuffed back there if you
          tell them they can go free.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Do you let people off for sexual
          favors?

                      POLICEMAN
          No, silly. If I let them go, how
          can I get a second blowjob? Or
          third?

The POLICEMAN sees some movement in the building.
                                    60



            POLICEMAN
Is that gramps‟ apartment? The
lights are changing up there.

            FRAT BOY #3
Are we here to go have more hot
gay sex up there, or are we going
to sit in the car all night?

            POLICEMAN
I…well.

            FRAT BOY #3
      (unnerved)
What‟s going on? You‟re holding
back on me.

            POLICEMAN
I‟m kinda tailing these guys
because I think they might know
where the hidden loot is.

            FRAT BOY #3
Why do you think that?

            POLICEMAN
They‟re all hanging out together,
right? They never knew each other
until today, right? So why are
they together?

            FRAT BOY #3
We’re hanging out, aren‟t we?

            POLICEMAN
What‟s your point?

            FRAT BOY #3
It probably has something to do
with hot gay sex.

            POLICEMAN
With that trucker? No way.
                                                                 61


                      FRAT BOY #3
          I see your point. Wait a minute.
          You can‟t arrest them. At least
          not gramps. He‟s a good guy.
          He‟d probably use the stolen money
          and throw a great big party with
          it. That clown guy, he‟d spend it
          all on expensive male prostitutes
          or something.

                      POLICEMAN
          What about the trucker?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          I don‟t know. Pork rinds and
          inflatable Swiss cheese?

                      POLICEMAN
          Heh. Well, don‟t worry about your
          friend up there. I‟m only
          following them in order to get
          some or all of the loot for
          myself.

The Swiss cheese flies up and slaps the POLICEMAN in the face.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAMPA‟S APARTMENT

GRAMPA is hanging up a mirror ball and BUNKY is setting up a
spotlight to shine upon it. The TRUCKER is still sitting.

                      TRUCKER
          What that light gonna do?

                       BUNKY
          Who cares?

                      TRUCKER
          Oh, I get it. You‟re feelin‟ it.
          I ain‟t yet. Hey, I got a story.

                      GRAMPA
          Can it wait until we come down?
                                                                 62


                     TRUCKER
         Iss a good one. So here it is.
         There this guy I know, tryin‟ to
         turlet train his cats? You know?
         Lahk he got „isself a book an‟ he
         readin‟ it.

BUNKY sits down and stares at the dancing lights. GRAMPA walks
into the kitchen for some beers and gives everybody one.

                     TRUCKER
         So, he gotta put the litter box up
         on the turlet, raht? An‟ den the
         cats sappozely ‟ssociate the
         turlet wif crappin‟. An‟ den
         after a coupla weeks a that, den
         you take the box away an‟ you hide
         it. An‟ den the cats sappoze ta
         crap in the turlet.

                      GRAMPA
         That‟s it?

                      BUNKY
         I hope so.

                     TRUCKER
         Aw, man. It get better. „sides,
         yer a clown. You oughtta lahk
         this.

                     BUNKY
         But at least I have to put on
         makeup to be a clown.

                     TRUCKER
         Whass that mean?

                      BUNKY
         Nothing.   Continue on.

                      TRUCKER
         An‟ okay. An‟ so the guy take the
         box away an‟ he hide it, raht?
         An‟ so what happen? The cats, get
         this, they crap in the shower!
         Thadda hoot?
                                                                63



                      GRAMPA
          I take it that was a failure?

                      TRUCKER
          Nuh-uh. No, sir. No. See, the
          guy lahk to jus‟ wash them turds
          down the drain „stead-a changin‟
          that litter box. He jus‟ push on
          „em wif him toes when he
          showerin‟.

                      BUNKY
          And this guy you know. Does he
          look anything like you?

                          TRUCKER
          Yup.   He do.

                      BUNKY
          And is he sitting here right now?

                          TRUCKER
          Yup.

                      GRAMPA
          So, you‟re the one with the cats
          who crap in your shower?

                        TRUCKER
          No.    That some guy I know.

                      BUNKY
          Are you feeling it yet?

                          TRUCKER
          Yup.

The TRUCKER stares at the lights for awhile in contemplation.

                     TRUCKER
          Yup. Push the turds down with my
          toes. Kinda nice.
                                                                  64


MONTAGE - MAGICAL MUSHROOM RIDE

-- The TRUCKER finds a porcelain dog to talk to and pet in the
corner of the room. He tries to feed him some candy.

-- BUNKY makes lewd shadow puppets on the wall.

-- GRAMPA strips and wraps himself with a white bed sheet, caps
his head with a laurel wreath, and walks around as if a Roman
senator.

-- A violently gesticulated argument arises concerning the
proper placement and hanging of the pleasure swing.

-- SCOTT shows up with FRAT BOY #1 and #2 and they all engage in
the smoking of marijuana.

-- They all do tequila shots.

-- The TRUCKER pushes the porcelain dog in the swing and pets
him nicely.

-- A pizza is delivered.

END MONTAGE

They all sit down, sweating, devouring pizza.

                      SCOTT
                (panting)
          This is the best pizza I‟ve ever
          had.

                      TRUCKER
          Ayuh.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Man, all that weed and booze is
          making me hornier.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          I wish we‟d ordered sausage
          instead of this funky Canadian
          bacon.
                                                                 65


                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          I‟ve got a sausage. And I‟ll put
          it on your pizza. But you can‟t
          bite it. Just suck on it real
          slowly. It‟s got a special cream
          filling that only comes out when
          the sausage is properly taken care
          of.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          I‟m guessing that the sausage
          you‟re talking about is shaped
          roughly like your penis?

                       GRAMPA
          Yup.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          And is that sausage in your pants?

                       GRAMPA
          Yup.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          And does that sausage come with a
          scrotum?

                      GRAMPA
          Heavens, no! It‟s one of these
          specialty sausages I get at the
          store.

GRAMPA reaches into his back pocket and produces a sausage for
everyone to see.

                       GRAMPA
          See?   No scrotum attached.

                      BUNKY
          Is anyone thinking what I‟m
          thinking?
                                                                 66


                      SCOTT
          If you‟re referring to a huge
          daisy chain or possibly gang bangs
          on the sling, I‟d bet we‟re all
          thinking what you‟re thinking.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          That‟s sort of been on my mind
          ever since I was twelve.

                      TRUCKER
          Anyone got one-dem Swiss cheese?

An inflatable Swiss cheese flies in through the window and slaps
the TRUCKER in the face.

                      BUNKY
          Ask and ye shall receive.

There‟s a knock on the door. GRAMPA looks through the eyehole.
He opens the door and lets FRAT BOY #3 in.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Hey, guys. I was wondering if
          you‟d seen one of those inflatable
          Swiss cheeses flying around up
          here.

FRAT BOY #3 sees the TRUCKER, who raises his hand with the
cheese still stuck to his face.

                         TRUCKER
          I seen one.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Well, if you don‟t mind, I kinda
          need it back for a little bit.

                      SCOTT
          Sure you don‟t want to stay?
          Things are going to get a little
          more gay.

FRAT BOY #3 grabs the cheese and heads out.

                         FRAT BOY #3
          Sorry, guys.
                                                         67



FRAT BOY #3 leaves.

                      SCOTT
          That‟s strange. He‟s never turned
          down an evening of hot gay sex
          with multiple partners before.

                      GRAMPA
          He must have something on the side
          tonight.

                      BUNKY
          Or in the mouth.

                      TRUCKER
          Or up the butt.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          He‟s banging that police officer
          outside in a cruiser.

                      SCOTT
          How do you know that?

                      FRAT BOY #2
          Didn‟t you see them? He was
          blowing him from the backseat when
          we walked up here.

                      BUNKY
          The policeman is following us.   He
          thinks we know something.

                      SCOTT
          Do you?

                      GRAMPA
          No.

                      TRUCKER
          We know where tha loot is.

BUNKY throws a piece of pizza onto the TRUCKER‟S face.

                      BUNKY
          Now goddammit!
                                                68



                        TRUCKER
          What?

The TRUCKER wipes the pizza off.

                      BUNKY
          Do you realize that the more
          people we tell, the less of the
          loot we get to keep?

                      FRAT BOY #2
          You could just kill us.

                      BUNKY
          Now I like that idea.

                      GRAMPA
          There‟ll be no need for that.
          Whatever my take is, I‟ll divide
          up some of it to my boys here.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Thanks, gramps.

                       GRAMPA
          Anything for a blowjob.   You know
          how it goes.

                      SCOTT
          Are we going to have some hot gay
          sex, or are we going to go in
          search of buried treasure?

                       TRUCKER
          Oh!   Please lettit be hot gay sex.

                      GRAMPA
          Alright. I‟ll go into the bedroom
          and bring out some condoms and
          some lube. Somebody strip and get
          into the sling. I vote Scott.

                       SCOTT
          What for?   I had to take it all
          last night!
                                                                  69


                      FRAT BOY #1
          And you took it well.

                      SCOTT
          I better get a good load of money
          after this is all over.

                      BUNKY
          You‟ll get a good load of
          something.

                       TRUCKER
          Ayuh.   Sevral good loads.

Everyone leers at the TRUCKER

                       TRUCKER
          What?   It a funny. Raht?    Ha-ha?

GRAMPA heads to the bathroom and everyone begins stripping.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT

The POLICEMAN and FRAT BOY #3 are sitting in the front seat and
taking turns filling up the Swiss cheese.

                      POLICEMAN
          What‟s going on up there?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          They‟re eating a pizza.

                       POLICEMAN
          That‟s it?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Well, eating pizza is kind of a
          ritual.

                       POLICEMAN
          How so?
                                                              70


                      FRAT BOY #3
          They do drugs and they eat pizza.
          Then it‟s customary to engage in a
          huge, hedonistic pile of hot gay
          sex.

                      POLICEMAN
                (excited)
          And your friends are up there?
          The other frat boys?

                         FRAT BOY #3
          Yeah.   Why?

                      POLICEMAN
          What in the hell are we doing in
          here blowing Swiss cheese?

                      FRAT BOY #3
          I see your point. Let‟s bring the
          cheese with us.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOOR FIVE HALLWAY

FRAT BOY #3, with cheese in hand, and the POLICEMAN approach
GRAMPA‟S door. ELDERLY LADY #2 is at the end of the hallway and
scoots up to them.

                      ELDERLY LADY #2
          Oh, thank heavens! I was about to
          call the police. I think someone
          is being beaten in there.

The POLICEMAN looks at his watch.

                      POLICEMAN
          Isn‟t it a little late for you to
          be up? Ma‟am, go back to bed.
          We‟ll take care of this.

                      ELDERLY LADY #2
          I think you‟ll need some backup.
          It‟s pretty vicious in there.
                                                                71


The POLICEMAN listens at the door and hears the sounds of hot
gay sex.

                      POLICEMAN
          Yeah. Sounds like someone is
          taking a real pounding in there,
          heavy and hard and fast. Sounds
          like a couple of guys going at it
          at once.

                      FRAT BOY #3
                (excited)
          Let me in!

                      ELDERLY LADY #2
You boys are certainly brave.

                       POLICEMAN
          Let‟s just say we‟ve got a lot of
          spunk in us.

The POLICEMAN opens the door and he and FRAT BOY #3 enter. The
sounds get louder. ELDERLY LADY #2 scoots off down the hallway.

                      ELDERLY LADY #2
          Sounds like a mess of hot gay sex
          in there, if you ask me.

CUT TO:

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME PARKING LOT - DAWN

The POLICEMAN, FRAT BOYS, GRAMPA, SCOTT, and the TRUCKER are all
smoking cigarettes and leaning on cars as the sun begins to
rise.

                      POLICEMAN
          Do you fellas do that, say, often?

                      SCOTT
          We take breaks on the holidays.

                      POLICEMAN
          Which holidays are those?
                                                                72


                      GRAMPA
          We celebrate Fag Day.   It‟s right
          after Flag Day.

                      SCOTT
          One day of rest and relaxation so
          our anuses and jaw muscles can
          stay in shape.

                      BUNKY
          It was impressive. Most
          impressive. I haven‟t had hot gay
          sex like that since a couple of
          years ago at a rest area between
          Omaha and Lincoln.

There is and introspective pause with several approving nods.

                      GRAMPA
          Should we head to the hills, boys?

                      TRUCKER
          Less get some booty!

                      BUNKY
          I‟m the only one who knows the
          address, so follow me.

                      GRAMPA
          Alright. Scott, I need to talk to
          you for a minute before we all
          head out.

                      SCOTT
          Just ride with us. You‟ll have
          more fun in my car, anyway.

                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          I probably will. Okay!    Let‟s do
          it.
                                                               73


CUT TO:

INT. SCOTT‟S CAR

The FRAT BOYS are in the backseat fondling and making out.
GRAMPA is in the front seat with SCOTT driving. GRAMPA pulls
out a scroll of paper and unrolls it.

                         SCOTT
          What‟s that?

                      GRAMPA
          It‟s a list of venereal diseases
          you should probably get yourself
          tested for.

                      SCOTT
          That‟s a long list.    Why would I
          need to do that?

                      GRAMPA
          It‟s a list of all the diseases
          I‟ve got.

                      SCOTT
          But we‟ve always been careful.

                      GRAMPA
          Sure. Just look over the list and
          get to a doctor sometime, alright?

                         SCOTT
          Okay.

SCOTT scans the list occasionally as he drives.

                      SCOTT
          There‟s more than one kind of
          crabs?

                      GRAMPA
          Yeah. It was a helluva surprise
          to me. I thought they would eat
          each other, but it seems they‟ve
          taken a liking for each other.
                                                             74


                        FRAT BOY #1
          Hah.    Gay crabs.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          So, should we check ourselves out,
          too?

                       FRAT BOY #3
          Yeah.   Shouldn‟t we?

                      SCOTT
          Is there any combination of gay
          sex that we haven‟t all engaged
          in? You know, between all of our
          mouths, penises, and anuses?

The FRAT BOYS think about it, take some tallies with their
fingers.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Nope. I believe we covered all of
          those just last night.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          No. Think about it. I never put
          my penis in your mouth while
          Scott‟s was in my anus.

                        FRAT BOY #3
          He‟s right!

FRAT BOY #3 frowns.

                      FRAT BOY #3
                (dejected)
          But that did happen two nights
          ago.

                      FRAT BOY #1
                (concerned)
          I just hope my girlfriend doesn‟t
          find out.
                                        75


            GRAMPA
I think you boys are all okay, but
it might be best for you to go
ahead and have some basic tests
done. You know, on the big ones,
anyway.

            FRAT BOY #3
If the policeman was right about
the loot, we‟ll all be able to
afford a complete set of tests.

            GRAMPA
How much did he say was stolen?

            FRAT BOY #3
He never said what it was, but he
said it was worth over a million
dollars! Maybe more if it was in
mint condition.

            SCOTT
I don‟t trust that Bunky, the
trucker, or the policeman.

            GRAMPA
Don‟t you worry, boys.       I‟ve got
an ace up my sleeve.

               SCOTT
What‟s that?

            GRAMPA
Just before the robber died, he
handed me a key to a locker,
right? But then he said
something.

               FRAT BOY #3
Which was?

            GRAMPA
He said the loot was stashed in
the locker below it. There‟s a
false panel in there. There‟s
some decoy in the locker this key
opens.
                                                                76



GRAMPA shows of the key.

                      SCOTT
          So, we just need to act cool and
          act surprised.

                      GRAMPA
          I‟ve got an even better idea. How
          about you boys in the backseat
          there start acting gay and I‟ll
          masturbate while I watch?

                       FRAT BOYS
          Deal!

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE CRUISER

BUNKY is riding shotgun and the TRUCKER is in the backseat
humping the Swiss cheese, moaning and groaning with pleasure.
The POLICEMAN is distracted.

                      POLICEMAN
          Okay. It‟s a good thing I drove,
          because it‟ll give us some
          legitimate cover if anything hairy
          comes up.

                      BUNKY
          Like when you pull your gun out
          and arrest us, and take the loot
          for yourself?

                      POLICEMAN
          I wouldn‟t do that.

BUNKY flashes a gun, cocks it.

                       BUNKY
          Good.   This here makes sure of it.

The TRUCKER moans loudly.
                                               77


                     POLICEMAN
         Alright. Quiet down back there or
         I‟m going to pull over and cuff
         you and slice that damn cheese in
         to pieces, whether or not you‟ve
         pulled out of it.

                     TRUCKER
         Aw, man! Evabody bin mean to me
         the whole tahm!

                     BUNKY
         Do you ever think there might be a
         reason for that?

                     TRUCKER
         Sometime. Sometime I think it do
         wit how I‟m special, an‟ evabody
         else jellass a me.

                     BUNKY
         That‟s exactly right.   Everyone is
         jealous of you.

                     TRUCKER
         Ah knew it! Ohhhhhhhh!      This
         cheese it fine!

                     POLICEMAN
         That‟s it. I‟m pulling over and
         ripping that damn thing to shreds.

The POLICEMAN starts to pull over.

                      BUNKY
         Wait!   Keep going. It‟s just up
         here.   On the right.

                      POLICEMAN
         This?   This is the place?

                      TRUCKER
         Awright!   We goin‟ bowlin‟!
                                                                 78


CUT TO:

EXT. BOWLING ALLEY PARKING LOT – DAY

The police cruiser and SCOTT‟S CAR pull into the parking lot in
adjacent stalls. A popping sound is heard, and the Swiss cheese
flies up and out of the back window of the police cruiser. The
POLICEMAN steps out and fires several rounds into the air at it.
The cheese falls onto the cement with a wet thud. Streams of
thick, viscous, white, creamy fluid ooze out of it.

                      POLICEMAN
          That should put an end to that.

Everyone gets out of their cars. The TRUCKER looks down at the
cheese, begins to get misty-eyed.

                     TRUCKER
          Aw! Dammit! It never hurt no
          one! It was jus‟ a boy! Now look
          at it! Whadda shame!

SCOTT steps up to him and pats him on the back.

                      SCOTT
          It‟ll be alright. When you get
          your share of the loot, you can
          buy a whole gang of „em. You can
          screw „em rotten all day long.

The TRUCKER wipes his eyes and looks up at SCOTT.

                      TRUCKER
          But nobody ever treat me so good
          as that cheese.

SCOTT hugs the TRUCKER.

                      BUNKY
          Okay. We can give the damn Swiss
          cheese a proper Christian burial
          after we divide the loot.

                      GRAMPA
          I‟ve got to agree with Bunky on
          this one.
                                                                 79


SCOTT lets go of the TRUCKER and heads inside the bowling alley.
The POLICEMAN, BUNKY, GRAMPA, and the FRAT BOYS follow. The
TRUCKER gives one last forlorn look at the Swiss cheese, kisses
his fingers, then touches the cheese with them. He then heads
into the bowling alley.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY

There is a senior women‟s league bowling on half of the lanes,
and the others are vacant. The group of men get some strange
looks from the bowlers.

                       BUNKY
          Doesn‟t look like we‟ll get any
          action here.

                      GRAMPA
          It might be a good idea if some of
          us actually went ahead and bowled
          a game or two. We kind of look
          suspicious.

                      SCOTT
          And a little gay.

                         FRAT BOY #3
          Totally gay.

                      FRAT BOY #2
          C‟mon. While we do have a
          policeman with us, we‟re still a
          few cultural icons short of the
          Village People.

                      POLICEMAN
          Was that a compliment on my
          appearance or not? Anyway, Scott,
          the frat boys, and I will head up
          to the counter and get some shoes,
          while you three figure out where
          the treasure is. If you get any
          funny ideas about sneaking off
          without sharing, remember that I
          drove.
                                                               80


                      TRUCKER
          Ayuh. That stop us from gettin‟ a
          taxi to Teewana.

BUNKY slaps the TRUCKER.

                      BUNKY
          Do you have any desire to live?

                        TRUCKER
          Ow!

                        GRAMPA
          Okay, boys.    Here‟s the moment of
          truth.

GRAMPA holds up the key. Everyone looks at it with awe.
GRAMPA, BUNKY, and the TRUCKER enter the men‟s restroom, the
rest head for the counter to get shoes.

CUT TO:

INT. MEN‟S RESTROOM

The men‟s restroom is connected to the locker room area. There
are lockers on all the walls and some in an aisle in the middle.
GRAMPA checks the number on the key.

                      GRAMPA
          Number 116. That‟s our treasure
          chest.

The TRUCKER points to a locker.

                        TRUCKER
          Here 102.

                      BUNKY
          Does that help us?

                       TRUCKER
          No.   Not really.

                      BUNKY
          Shut up, then.
                                                               81


They circle around the lockers for several minutes to a loud and
climactic, epic and orchestral song. As they swirl around the
room, their eyes get wider and sweat builds on their foreheads
until finally, the TRUCKER stops and points at a locker.

                          TRUCKER
          There!   107!

BUNKY sighs.

                      BUNKY
          I think it‟s over here.

They stand in front of locker 116.

                          TRUCKER
          Oh.

                      GRAMPA
          Alright, boys. I think it‟s
          appropriate to say a few words
          before we open this up.

                          BUNKY
          Go for it.

                       GRAMPA
          Alright. It was fate that brought
          us together.

                      TRUCKER
          Ackchalee, was a Swiss cheese.

                      BUNKY
          He‟s got a point.

                      GRAMPA
          It was fate with a Swiss flavor.
          But what I was aiming for here was
          that no matter what brought us
          together, I realize that the bonds
          which hold our ragtag
          confederation will easily be
          separated once the contents of
          this locker are removed and
          divvied up.
                                                                  82


                      BUNKY
          Are you saying you‟ll miss us?

                      TRUCKER
          I hadda good tahm lass naht.

                      GRAMPA
          So did I. That‟s why I want to
          extend to the both of you an open
          invitation to my apartment
          anytime, anytime at all, if you
          ever feel the deep urge to fellate
          me or the other boys.

                      BUNKY
          That‟s mighty neighborly of you,
          but can we get this over with?
          I‟ve got to be on the air in about
          two hours.

                      TRUCKER
          An‟ I gotta watch them kids again
          at nine.

GRAMPA looks at his watch.

                      GRAMPA
          You‟re already a half-hour late.

                      TRUCKER
                (frustrated)
          Aw, dammit! Lass time they drove
          de car froo de garage, an‟ who
          know what they up to now.

                      GRAMPA
          Well, I‟m missing out on a second
          round of hot gay sex with Scott
          and the frat boys. So don‟t think
          I‟m trying to delay this. Here we
          go.

GRAMPA inserts the key into the locker. It doesn‟t turn at
first, but with a little jiggling and jostling, the key unlocks
the door. He then opens the door with a loud creak, and inside
is a leather bowling bag.
                                                                 83


                      TRUCKER
          He stole a bowlin‟ ball from de
          bank?

                      BUNKY
          Look inside. I‟m sure the bag is
          a disguise. He‟s not about to
          stash the loot in a money purse.

                      TRUCKER
          Wassa money poorse?

BUNKY rolls his eyes. GRAMPA pulls the bag out, unzips it
slowly, folds back the sides, and reveals a bowling ball.

                      GRAMPA
                (surprised)
          That‟s it?

                      TRUCKER
                (disappointed)
          Aw, man! They ain‟t even shoes in
          it!

                      BUNKY
                (angry)
          This can‟t be. Poke it. Hit it
          with a hammer. Is it made out of
          gold?

GRAMPA drops the bowling ball onto the floor. It stays intact.
BUNKY hits it with his fist and kicks it. The TRUCKER tries to
bite it and then head-butts it. The TRUCKER rubs his head and
winces in pain.

                      TRUCKER
          I think it a bowlin‟ ball. That
          what it felt like lass tahm.

They stare at it, on the floor. BUNKY pulls out his gun and
aims at it. The TRUCKER gets worried.

                         TRUCKER
          Waitaminute!     Maybe it fit ma
          fingers.

The TRUCKER fits his hand into it, and it is a perfect match.
                                                                 84



                      GRAMPA
          I guess some good came of this
          trip. You weren‟t planning on
          using that gun on us, were you?

                      BUNKY
          This? No. I keep it around for
          shooting bowling balls.

                      TRUCKER
          Ah‟m onna go tryer out.

The TRUCKER dashes out of the locker room.     GRAMPA turns to
leave, but BUNKY cocks the pistol at him.

                        BUNKY
          You   sure that bank robber didn‟t
          say   anything to you. You know,
          any   additional information about
          the   loot?

                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          If he had, do you think I‟d tell
          you?

BUNKY releases the hammer of the gun.

                      BUNKY
          No. Just know that I‟ll be
          watching you. If I come over to
          your apartment some night, and
          you‟ve got a brand new gold-leaf
          pleasure swing hanging from the
          ceiling, I might be a little
          suspicious.

                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          I would be suspicious myself.
          I‟ve never been too into gold-
          leaf. I‟m more of a paisley
          aficionado.
                                                                 85


CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY LANES 23-24

The TRUCKER is up to bowl with his newly found ball. The FRAT
BOYS, SCOTT, and the POLICEMAN are sitting around the scorer‟s
table, watching. The TRUCKER throws a perfect strike and pumps
his fists into the air.

                      TRUCKER
          Ball‟s gotta lotta action on it!

SCOTT punches FRAT BOY #1 in the shoulder.

                      SCOTT
          Sounds like someone else‟s balls I
          know.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Yeah. They have a lot of action
          when they‟re dancing around inside
          your mouth.

                      FRAT BOY #2
                (miffed)
          You never let me put your balls in
          my mouth.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          Don‟t you remember? You tend to
          bite too much.

                      FRAT BOY #3
          Does anyone want to let me put my
          balls in their mouth in the
          bathroom? I‟m starting to feel a
          little randy.

GRAMPA and BUNKY join the group and sit down.
                                               86


                      GRAMPA
          That reminds me of a story about
          the time when I did feel little
          Randy. Randy was this midget that
          used to work at the desk next to
          me before I retired. He had one
          massive pecker, though. I always
          used to tell him to stop smoking
          and drinking coffee because it
          would stunt his growth. He never
          really laughed at that.

                      BUNKY
          Maybe you didn‟t say it loudly
          enough.

                      POLICEMAN
          The trucker told us the bad news.
          I can‟t believe there wasn‟t
          anything left in that locker. The
          bank reported over a million
          dollars stolen from its vaults.
          The money hasn‟t been recovered
          yet. It‟s got to be somewhere.

                      GRAMPA
          Maybe we weren‟t meant to have it.
          Besides, it‟s better to earn an
          honest living.

                      BUNKY
          What in the hell are you saying?
          That‟s the stupidest thing I‟ve
          heard in weeks.

SCOTT gets up to bowl.

                       SCOTT
          Yeah.   That was pretty stupid.

SCOTT throws a split.

                      GRAMPA
          I don‟t care what you think as
          long as you keep bending over like
          that. I got a good angle on your
          ass from here.
                                                              87



SCOTT misses the split.

                      SCOTT
          Who wanted to put their balls in
          my mouth? I‟m no good at this.

Everyone raises their hands.

                      SCOTT
          Right. Why don‟t gramps and I
          start, and then maybe I‟ll go for
          seconds if there‟s any time left.

SCOTT and GRAMPA head into the bathroom.

                        FRAT BOY #1
          I‟m next.    So don‟t you guys get
          any ideas.

The POLICEMAN bowls.   The TRUCKER turns to BUNKY.

                      TRUCKER
          Hey. You hear about that guy with
          ten-pound balls?

                      BUNKY
          No, I didn‟t.

                      TRUCKER
          Guess he bowls with „em.

                      BUNKY
          Was that supposed to be a joke?

                        TRUCKER
          Yeah.

BUNKY moves away from the TRUCKER.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY LOCKER ROOM

GRAMPA and SCOTT are standing. SCOTT kneels and begins to unzip
GRAMPA‟S pants. GRAMPA steps back.
                                                                  88


                         SCOTT
          What?

                      GRAMPA
          We came in here to get the real
          loot, remember?

                      SCOTT
          Yeah, so you‟re saying grabbing
          the real loot and you putting your
          balls in my mouth are mutually
          exclusive events?

                      GRAMPA
          No, but the longer we‟re in here,
          the more suspicious the others
          will get.

SCOTT stands up.

                        SCOTT
          Okay.    Let‟s get the loot.

GRAMPA reopens locker 116, removes a false bottom, digs around,
finds an identical leather bowling ball bag.

                      SCOTT
          Don‟t tell me it‟s another bowling
          ball.

GRAMPA unzips the bag.

                      GRAMPA
          I don‟t think so. The robber told
          me it would look just like the
          other bag.

When he opens the bag, there is a whole big pile of money in it
bundled neatly in stacks of $10,000.

                      SCOTT
          That‟s more like it. I can‟t wait
          to buy one of those automatic ass-
          rammers.
                                                               89


                      GRAMPA
                (wryly)
          Why do you need one of those?   I‟m
          pretty automatic.

                      SCOTT
                (wryly)
          Yeah. But you‟ll die someday.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY LANES 23-24

The TRUCKER pumps his fists in the air after another strike.

                         TRUCKER
          Whoohoo!     Awright!

                      BUNKY
          Where are they? Even a thorough
          ball washing can‟t take that long.

                      FRAT BOY #1
                (concerned)
          I wouldn‟t worry about them.
          Scott is probably a little more
          thorough than most ball washers.

BUNKY stands up.   FRAT BOY #1 stands up and grabs him.

                      FRAT BOY #1
                (nervous)
          Wait! I‟m next, remember?

                      BUNKY
                (wryly)
          You don‟t know something I don‟t,
          do you? You‟re not trying to keep
          me away from that locker room, are
          you?

FRAT BOY #1 lets go.

                      FRAT BOY #1
          No. I really want to be next in
          line for a good ball wash, that‟s
          all.
                                                                 90



BUNKY turns and walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY LOCKER ROOM

GRAMPA and SCOTT are beginning to walk out with the bag, but
BUNKY walks in, pulls his gun, and cocks it.

                      BUNKY
          You weren‟t planning on leaving me
          out, were you?

                      GRAMPA
          Heh. No.   We‟re on our way out to
          bowl.

                     SCOTT
          Yeah. And his balls are cleaner
          than ever. You want to be next?

                      BUNKY
          Open the bag. I‟m tired of
          playing around.

GRAMPA unzips the bag.

                      BUNKY
          Show me what‟s inside.

GRAMPA shows the money.

                      BUNKY
          Okay. Well, since you didn‟t play
          fair, you don‟t share. Put the
          bag on the floor, and turn around.

GRAMPA sets the bag on the floor.   He and SCOTT turn around.

                      BUNKY
          Now walk up nice against that
          wall.

GRAMPA and SCOTT walk up against the wall. BUNKY takes the bag
and steps backwards slowly. Then he turns and hurries out of
the locker room.
                                                                  91



                       SCOTT
           I suppose I‟ll have to ask Santa
           for that automatic ass-rammer,
           huh?

GRAMPA doesn‟t respond.

                       SCOTT
                 (louder)
           I said, I guess I‟ll have to ask
           Santa for that automatic ass-
           rammer. Hint-hint?

GRAMPA slumps down onto a bench, collapsing limp.   SCOTT tries
to wake him.

                        SCOTT
           Gramps!   Wake up!

SCOTT tries to stick his hand in GRAMPA‟S pants and massage his
pubic area, but to no avail. He shakes him vigorously.

                        SCOTT
           Gramps!   Gramps!

SCOTT cries and hugs GRAMPA.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND RESORT

MAGGIE and CHUCKY are smoking cigarettes and watching the news
on a television by the tiki bar.

                       NEWSMAN
           In other news, Cooter McCletus,
           Bunky the Clown‟s sidekick, has
           taken over for Bunky after he was
           indicted for his role in last
           month‟s spectacular bank robbery.
           While only thirty thousand of the
           stolen money was found in his
           apartment, police are confident
           they‟ll find the rest soon.
                                                                   92



                      MAGGIE
          I wonder where all that money
          went.

                      CHUCKY
          He probably spent it on male
          prostitutes. C‟mon, let‟s head
          over to the beach. There‟s some
          hot guys over there.

                      MAGGIE
          And some hot girls.

                      CHUCKY
                (wryly)
          Are you turning lesbo on me?

                      MAGGIE
          It‟s like a menu at a restaurant.
          I‟m adding a page to my choices.

CUT TO:

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND BEACH

Lots of attractive men and women are enjoying a sunny day.
MAGGIE and CHUCKY sit on a towel next to a large sand pile.   In
the pile is a crude handwritten sign on a wooden stake. It
reads: “Here lies Grampa.”

                      CHUCKY
          I can‟t believe he let us bury him
          here.

                      MAGGIE
          He was asleep, remember?   He‟s
          narcoleptic now.

                      CHUCKY
          Oh, right. I wonder where he got
          all the money for this vacation.

                      MAGGIE
          We‟ll ask him when he wakes up.

The pile of sand stirs.   GRAMPA pokes his head out.
                                                        93



                      GRAMPA
          Kids, what did I say about burying
          me when I fall asleep?

                      MAGGIE
          I don‟t think you said anything.
          You fell asleep in mid-sentence.

                      GRAMPA
          Oh.

GRAMPA stands up and shoves sand off of his body.

                      CHUCKY
          Grampa, where did you get all the
          money for this vacation?

                      GRAMPA
          Well, I suppose you could say I
          pulled it out of my ass.

MAGGIE, CHUCKY, and GRAMPA all laugh.   GRAMPA winks.

FREEZE FRAME

                      GRAMPA (V.O.)
          Of course, that‟s exactly where
          the money came from.

FADE TO BLACK

				
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