Introduction to Wilson Learning's MIR Program

							               Relationships
• Isn’t it too bad that relationships involves more
  than one person?
• I get along well with myself.
• When I am down no one offers more empathy and
  compassion that I do.
• From my view point the problem with
  relationships is always with the other person. Go
  figure.
                            ource: Jim Williams Consulting, LLC
      Introduction to Wilson
     Learning’s MIR Program
• Dr. Carl Rogers - Dean of America
  Humanistic Psychologists identifies what is
  the greatest problem facing mankind today
  – Not the bomb
  – Not pop explosion
  – Not the environment
• Answer: rate of change in society and the
  inability of people to adapt
                                 Source: Wilson Learning
      Introduction to Wilson
     Learning’s MIR Program
• Psychologists disagree about theories of
  human behavior but few disagree about
  these two generalizations:
  – All behavior grows out of needs
  – All behavior is directed to the satisfaction of
    these needs
• Two greatest needs not being met:
  – To belong, to part of a group
  – To feel well about ourselves
                                       Source: Wilson Learning
      Introduction to Wilson
     Learning’s MIR Program
• As the time interval between new stimuli
  decreases so does the time allotted to
  making appropriate responses.
• Tensions mount as our traditional manner of
  handling relationships fail to work. No
  longer does merely power work. There has
  been a diffusion of power both in the work
  place and in the home.
                                 Source: Wilson Learning
       Introduction to Wilson
      Learning’s MIR Program
• Tension builds within us when our needs
  are not being satisfied.
• The natural thing for us to do is to discharge
  them. For example, crying, laughing,
  talking or singing.
• The unnatural or what is called learned
  behavior is to withhold or store our feelings.
                                   Source: Wilson Learning
      Introduction to Wilson
     Learning’s MIR Program
• One of the keys to managing our tension is
  to direct our energy towards a goal.
• In real life we often feel prevented from
  directing our energy towards productive
  accomplishments.
• We abuse the natural process of relieving
  tension by unloading on some one else.
  (Dumping the bucket)
                                 Source: Wilson Learning
      The Four Styles People Use to
        Keep Their Tensions at a
           Management Level
                   Control
      Analytical             Driver


Ask                                       Tell




      Amiable                Expressive


                   Emote
             The Driver Style
• Telling others
• Controlling own feelings
• A control specialist
• Combines personal power and emotional control
• Described by others as: pushy, dominating, harsh,
  thorough, decisive,tough minded and efficient.
• Places more importance on tasks and less on
  relationships.
                                     Source: Wilson Learning
        The Expressive Style
• Telling others
• Emoting own feelings
• A Social Specialist
• Described by others as: impulsive,
  excitable, undisciplined, personal,
  stimulating, enthusiastic, and dramatic
• Places more importance on relationships
  than on tasks.
                                 Source: Wilson Learning
             Amiable Style
• Asks others
• Emotes own feelings
• A Supportive Specialist
• Described by others as: conforming,
  dependent, emotional, supportive,
  respectful, willing, dependable, agreeable
• Combines personal reserve with emotional
  expression
                                 Source: Wilson Learning
            Analytical Style
• Asks others
• Controls own feelings
• A Technical Specialist
• Described by others as: critical, indecisive,
  stuffy, industrious, persistent, serious,
  vigilant, orderly
• Combines personal reserve with emotional
  control
                                   Source: Wilson Learning
    Driver’s Impact on Tension
           Management
• Greater tension producers
• By controlling raises tension in others
• By being task oriented builds tension in
  self.
• Very productive - can ease tension
• Key: Can push people to back-up style
                                  Source: Wilson Learning
 Expressive’s Impact on Tension
          Management
• Raise tension with their assertiveness
• Soften tension with a more personal and
  feeling approach
• People generally more responsive to
  feelings than to reason



                                 Source: Wilson Learning
  Amiable’s Impact on Tension
         Management
• Decreases tension in all areas
• Warm and personal but not assertive
• Don’t try to control others




                                Source: Wilson Learning
 Analytical’s Impact on Tension
          Management
• Decrease tension with their less assertive
  approach
• Increases tension with their non-
  responsiveness
• Places greater tension with their own task
  orientation approach

                                  Source: Wilson Learning
      Primary Back-up Styles
• Driver - autocratic extreme
  – controlling people with facts, logic and reason
• Expressive - attacking extreme
  – controlling people with emotion and feeling
• Amiable - Acquiescing extreme
  – giving in to others
• Analytical - Avoiding extreme
  – limiting exposure to others
                                      Source: Wilson Learning
     Secondary Back-up Styles
• Driver - avoids

• Expressive - acquiesces

• Amiable - attacks

• Analytical - autocratic
                            Source: Wilson Learning
    Recap to Wilson Learning’s
          MIR Program
• By learning the characteristics or the tension
  management style of each other we can do a better
  job communicating with each other.
• We must make the assumption that all four styles
  have their place in the company and we must learn
  to adapt to each style.
• Example: if working with a driver don’t spend a
  lot of time telling jokes.
                                     Source: Wilson Learning
    Nurturing: A Key to Building
            Relationships
• We are wonderful at nurturing children when they
  are young.
• When they start pushing back we make the
  mistake of allowing a distance to be created.
• Children need more nurturing as they grow up.
• The key is to change the way we nurture.
• The key is to understand their primary needs
• The key is to fill their bucket.
                              Source: Jim Williams Consulting
 Primary Needs of Elem and Middle
          School Students
• The need to belong, to fit in, to be part of a
  group.
• The need to feel accepted in the eyes of
  their peers.
• The need to be understood.
• The need to be capable:
  – Learning skills
  – Social skills
 Primary Needs of Elem and Middle
          School Students
• The need to feel competent:
   – Learning skills
   – Social skills
   – Sports/music/arts
• The need to have their feelings validated.
• The need to like the way they look.
• The need to have 3-4 positive adult role models in
  their lives.
  Sources: Covey,Benton, Stepp, Wilson Learning,Jim Williams Consulting, Quantum Learning
   Relationships Require Effective
       Communication Skills
• Why are we bad listeners?
  – Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
• What type of personalities to we become?
  – Drill Sergeant     Comedian
  – Prosecuting Attorney Psychiatrist
  – Egomaniac          Avoider

                    Source: Johnson Institute’s Parenting for Prevention
Stephen Covey’s Pyramid
From: 7 Habits of Highly
    Effective Families


          Active
         Attentive
          Pretend
         Selective
          Ignore
         Communication Skills
• Stephen Covey’s Habit 5 - Seek first to
  understand, then to be understood.
• We need to become active listeners.
  –   Lightly probing
  –   Clarifying the message
  –   Good eye contact
  –   Translating, not interpreting
  –   Taking off our sun glasses

                           Source: Parenting on Point
   Filling Each Other’s Bucket
• Stephen R. Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of
  Highly Effective Families
• Laura Sessions Stepp’s book “Our Last Best
  Shot”
• Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.’s
  book “The Five Love Languages of
  Children”
Stephen Covey’s First Scoop of
           Sand



           Kindness
Stephen Covey’s Second Scoop
          of Sand



         Apologizing
Stephen Covey’s Third Scoop of
            Sand



           Forgiving
Stephen Covey’s Fourth Scoop of
            Sand



         Keeping Promises
Stephen Covey’s Fifth Scoop of
            Sand



         Being Loyal
Laura Sessions Stepp’s First
      Scoop of Sand


      Being Competent
        at Something
Laura Sessions Stepp’s Second
       Scoop of Sand


         Being Loved
         and Loving
Laura Sessions Stepp’s Third
       Scoop of Sand


       Feeling Normal
         in the Eyes
        of My Peers
Chapman and Campbell’s First
      Scoop of Sand


        Using Physical
            Touch
Chapman and Campbell’s Second
      Scoopful of Sand


         Using Words
           of Praise
Chapman and Campbell’s Third
      Scoop of Sand


        Using Quality
            Time
Chapman and Campbell’s Fourth
       Scoop of Sand



        Doing Acts of
           Service
Chapman and Campbell’s Fifth
      Scoop of Sand



       Giving a Special
             Gift
 Anger Management: Definition
          of Terms
• Anger
  – Passion
  – Actions of non-violence
  – The positive release of negative energy
• Rage
  – Actions of violence: physical, verbal or social
  – The negative release of negative energy
  – Crossing the line, empties the bucket
           Anger Management
• Impact of the entertainment industry
  –   As children we spend 5-7 hours in front of it
  –   We become desensitize to violence
  –   “I didn’t hit her!”
  –   Once every 9 seconds
• Being a bully in the work place has few
  consequences
• My personal story.
                                 Source: Parenting on Point
  Anger Management: Stephen
      Covey’s Approach
• Stimulus Drives a Response
• We have the mental capacity to pause.
• We have been given gifts that help us to
  pause.
  – Sense of Humor      Imagination
  – Awareness           Conscience
  – Independent will to choose

                    Source: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
     Anger Management: Other
            Solutions
• Time Management Skills
    – The A, B, C approach to work
•   Having a soul mate
•   Selecting a pause button
•   Giving people the chance to cool down
•   The Driveway story
•   Resolving conflicting mission statements
                  Source: Parenting on Point
      Anger Management: Other
             Solutions
•   Sleep - reaching the 4th level.
•   Exercise
•   No Alcohol
•   Letting the little things in life go away.
•   Having a full bucket.


                   Source: Parenting on Point
Items That Empty the Bucket


              Rage
         Broken Promises
          Dishonest Acts
         Covey’s Cancers
         Conditional Love
          Being Bullied
    Items That Empty the Bucket:
           Being Bullied
• Bullying happens when someone with more
  power unfairly hurts someone with less
  power over and over again.
• Bullying involves three types of violence:
  – Physical – hurting body or possessions
  – Verbal – hurting feelings
  – Social – hurting relationships

                              Source: Hazelden
      Items That Empty the Bucket:
            Being the Victim
Passive Victims
• are sensitive and cry easily
• are pushovers
• lack social skills
• are chosen last
Provocative Victims
• pester and irritate others repeatedly
• are quick-tempered and will fight back
• may be clumsy, immature and restless
• are friendless
• often diagnosed with ADD or ADHD
                                  Source: Hazelden
What Can Repair the Bucket?



         Trust and
       Unconditional
          Love
What Happens When the Bucket
       Stays Empty?
Number Three!!