Introduction to Wilson Learning's MIR Program
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Relationships • Isn’t it too bad that relationships involves more than one person? • I get along well with myself. • When I am down no one offers more empathy and compassion that I do. • From my view point the problem with relationships is always with the other person. Go figure. ource: Jim Williams Consulting, LLC Introduction to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • Dr. Carl Rogers - Dean of America Humanistic Psychologists identifies what is the greatest problem facing mankind today – Not the bomb – Not pop explosion – Not the environment • Answer: rate of change in society and the inability of people to adapt Source: Wilson Learning Introduction to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • Psychologists disagree about theories of human behavior but few disagree about these two generalizations: – All behavior grows out of needs – All behavior is directed to the satisfaction of these needs • Two greatest needs not being met: – To belong, to part of a group – To feel well about ourselves Source: Wilson Learning Introduction to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • As the time interval between new stimuli decreases so does the time allotted to making appropriate responses. • Tensions mount as our traditional manner of handling relationships fail to work. No longer does merely power work. There has been a diffusion of power both in the work place and in the home. Source: Wilson Learning Introduction to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • Tension builds within us when our needs are not being satisfied. • The natural thing for us to do is to discharge them. For example, crying, laughing, talking or singing. • The unnatural or what is called learned behavior is to withhold or store our feelings. Source: Wilson Learning Introduction to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • One of the keys to managing our tension is to direct our energy towards a goal. • In real life we often feel prevented from directing our energy towards productive accomplishments. • We abuse the natural process of relieving tension by unloading on some one else. (Dumping the bucket) Source: Wilson Learning The Four Styles People Use to Keep Their Tensions at a Management Level Control Analytical Driver Ask Tell Amiable Expressive Emote The Driver Style • Telling others • Controlling own feelings • A control specialist • Combines personal power and emotional control • Described by others as: pushy, dominating, harsh, thorough, decisive,tough minded and efficient. • Places more importance on tasks and less on relationships. Source: Wilson Learning The Expressive Style • Telling others • Emoting own feelings • A Social Specialist • Described by others as: impulsive, excitable, undisciplined, personal, stimulating, enthusiastic, and dramatic • Places more importance on relationships than on tasks. Source: Wilson Learning Amiable Style • Asks others • Emotes own feelings • A Supportive Specialist • Described by others as: conforming, dependent, emotional, supportive, respectful, willing, dependable, agreeable • Combines personal reserve with emotional expression Source: Wilson Learning Analytical Style • Asks others • Controls own feelings • A Technical Specialist • Described by others as: critical, indecisive, stuffy, industrious, persistent, serious, vigilant, orderly • Combines personal reserve with emotional control Source: Wilson Learning Driver’s Impact on Tension Management • Greater tension producers • By controlling raises tension in others • By being task oriented builds tension in self. • Very productive - can ease tension • Key: Can push people to back-up style Source: Wilson Learning Expressive’s Impact on Tension Management • Raise tension with their assertiveness • Soften tension with a more personal and feeling approach • People generally more responsive to feelings than to reason Source: Wilson Learning Amiable’s Impact on Tension Management • Decreases tension in all areas • Warm and personal but not assertive • Don’t try to control others Source: Wilson Learning Analytical’s Impact on Tension Management • Decrease tension with their less assertive approach • Increases tension with their non- responsiveness • Places greater tension with their own task orientation approach Source: Wilson Learning Primary Back-up Styles • Driver - autocratic extreme – controlling people with facts, logic and reason • Expressive - attacking extreme – controlling people with emotion and feeling • Amiable - Acquiescing extreme – giving in to others • Analytical - Avoiding extreme – limiting exposure to others Source: Wilson Learning Secondary Back-up Styles • Driver - avoids • Expressive - acquiesces • Amiable - attacks • Analytical - autocratic Source: Wilson Learning Recap to Wilson Learning’s MIR Program • By learning the characteristics or the tension management style of each other we can do a better job communicating with each other. • We must make the assumption that all four styles have their place in the company and we must learn to adapt to each style. • Example: if working with a driver don’t spend a lot of time telling jokes. Source: Wilson Learning Nurturing: A Key to Building Relationships • We are wonderful at nurturing children when they are young. • When they start pushing back we make the mistake of allowing a distance to be created. • Children need more nurturing as they grow up. • The key is to change the way we nurture. • The key is to understand their primary needs • The key is to fill their bucket. Source: Jim Williams Consulting Primary Needs of Elem and Middle School Students • The need to belong, to fit in, to be part of a group. • The need to feel accepted in the eyes of their peers. • The need to be understood. • The need to be capable: – Learning skills – Social skills Primary Needs of Elem and Middle School Students • The need to feel competent: – Learning skills – Social skills – Sports/music/arts • The need to have their feelings validated. • The need to like the way they look. • The need to have 3-4 positive adult role models in their lives. Sources: Covey,Benton, Stepp, Wilson Learning,Jim Williams Consulting, Quantum Learning Relationships Require Effective Communication Skills • Why are we bad listeners? – Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs • What type of personalities to we become? – Drill Sergeant Comedian – Prosecuting Attorney Psychiatrist – Egomaniac Avoider Source: Johnson Institute’s Parenting for Prevention Stephen Covey’s Pyramid From: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families Active Attentive Pretend Selective Ignore Communication Skills • Stephen Covey’s Habit 5 - Seek first to understand, then to be understood. • We need to become active listeners. – Lightly probing – Clarifying the message – Good eye contact – Translating, not interpreting – Taking off our sun glasses Source: Parenting on Point Filling Each Other’s Bucket • Stephen R. Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families • Laura Sessions Stepp’s book “Our Last Best Shot” • Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.’s book “The Five Love Languages of Children” Stephen Covey’s First Scoop of Sand Kindness Stephen Covey’s Second Scoop of Sand Apologizing Stephen Covey’s Third Scoop of Sand Forgiving Stephen Covey’s Fourth Scoop of Sand Keeping Promises Stephen Covey’s Fifth Scoop of Sand Being Loyal Laura Sessions Stepp’s First Scoop of Sand Being Competent at Something Laura Sessions Stepp’s Second Scoop of Sand Being Loved and Loving Laura Sessions Stepp’s Third Scoop of Sand Feeling Normal in the Eyes of My Peers Chapman and Campbell’s First Scoop of Sand Using Physical Touch Chapman and Campbell’s Second Scoopful of Sand Using Words of Praise Chapman and Campbell’s Third Scoop of Sand Using Quality Time Chapman and Campbell’s Fourth Scoop of Sand Doing Acts of Service Chapman and Campbell’s Fifth Scoop of Sand Giving a Special Gift Anger Management: Definition of Terms • Anger – Passion – Actions of non-violence – The positive release of negative energy • Rage – Actions of violence: physical, verbal or social – The negative release of negative energy – Crossing the line, empties the bucket Anger Management • Impact of the entertainment industry – As children we spend 5-7 hours in front of it – We become desensitize to violence – “I didn’t hit her!” – Once every 9 seconds • Being a bully in the work place has few consequences • My personal story. Source: Parenting on Point Anger Management: Stephen Covey’s Approach • Stimulus Drives a Response • We have the mental capacity to pause. • We have been given gifts that help us to pause. – Sense of Humor Imagination – Awareness Conscience – Independent will to choose Source: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families Anger Management: Other Solutions • Time Management Skills – The A, B, C approach to work • Having a soul mate • Selecting a pause button • Giving people the chance to cool down • The Driveway story • Resolving conflicting mission statements Source: Parenting on Point Anger Management: Other Solutions • Sleep - reaching the 4th level. • Exercise • No Alcohol • Letting the little things in life go away. • Having a full bucket. Source: Parenting on Point Items That Empty the Bucket Rage Broken Promises Dishonest Acts Covey’s Cancers Conditional Love Being Bullied Items That Empty the Bucket: Being Bullied • Bullying happens when someone with more power unfairly hurts someone with less power over and over again. • Bullying involves three types of violence: – Physical – hurting body or possessions – Verbal – hurting feelings – Social – hurting relationships Source: Hazelden Items That Empty the Bucket: Being the Victim Passive Victims • are sensitive and cry easily • are pushovers • lack social skills • are chosen last Provocative Victims • pester and irritate others repeatedly • are quick-tempered and will fight back • may be clumsy, immature and restless • are friendless • often diagnosed with ADD or ADHD Source: Hazelden What Can Repair the Bucket? Trust and Unconditional Love What Happens When the Bucket Stays Empty? Number Three!!