Stories – Funny sports quotes - IUST

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Introduction
Download the LearnEnglish stories and poems podcast. You’ll find more information on this page:
http://www.britishcouncil.org/learnenglish-podcasts-stories-poems.htm

This support pack contains the following materials:
   • the story that you can listen to in the podcast
   • a comprehension activity based on the story.

LearnEnglish would like to thank Sports-quotes.com (http://www.sports-quotes.com/) for kindly permitting
us to use the quotes from their site.

Read the story
Funny sports quotes

Football
Read the funny quotes about football very carefully:




more on next page…




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         The United Kingdom’s international organisation for educational opportunities and cultural relations. We are registered in England as a charity.
                                                                                               Podcasts – Stories – Funny sports quotes

Tennis
Read the funny quotes about tennis very carefully:




Other sports
Read the funny quotes about other sports very carefully:




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         The United Kingdom’s international organisation for educational opportunities and cultural relations. We are registered in England as a charity.
                                                                                                  Podcasts – Stories – Funny sports quotes

After reading
Exercise 1
Why are the quotes about football, tennis and other sports funny or strange? When you've thought of
your answers, have a look at the explanations below.




Exercise 1 explanations
Football:
"Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them."
Peter Jones
If he's deadly ten times out of ten, how was that not one of them?

"You'll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started."
Andrew Gidley
Nothing can stop earlier than it started!

"Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it."
Martin Tyler
"Eternity" means "forever" - how can you take longer than that?

"McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee."
Martin Tyler
Shaking your head means you disagree with something - nodding your head means you agree.

"The boys' feet have been up in the clouds since the win."
Alan Buckley
To have your "head in the clouds" means to "be foolish because you are not aware of the
realities of a situation". But to have your feet there? They must all be upside down!

"I'm not going to make it a target but it's something to aim for."
Steve Coppell
If it's not a target, why is it something to aim for?

"We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day."
Bobby Gould
What other day would Christmas Day fall on?

"They can crumble as easily as ice cream in this heat."
Sammy Nelson
Ice cream doesn't crumble - it melts!

"And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season."
Alan Parry
That means he scored 5.5 goals last season!

"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in."
Terry Venables
Did the ball go into his mouth or into the goal?
                                                                                                                                                               Page 3 of 5
            The United Kingdom’s international organisation for educational opportunities and cultural relations. We are registered in England as a charity.
                                                                                                Podcasts – Stories – Funny sports quotes

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we came from the same place, play for the
same club and were discovered by the same man."
Norman Whiteside
Is that one thing in common, or three things?
"If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that's backwards."
Peter Shilton
How can you go anywhere if you stand still?

Tennis:
"Strangely enough, Kathy Jordan is getting to the net first, which she always does."
Fred Perry
If she always gets to the net first then it can't be strange that she's doing it now.

"That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit."
Mark Cox
Obliterate means " to remove ALL sign of something", so you can't obliterate something "a little
bit".

"If she gets the jitters now, then she isn't the great champion that she is."
Max Robertson
Is she a great champion or isn't she?

"He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair."
Peter Jones
If he's got his hands on his knees, how can he hold his head?

"McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands."
Fred Perry
He can't sit down and stand at the same time!

"You can almost hear the silence as they battle it out."
Dan Maskell
How can you hear silence?

"These ball boys are marvellous. You don't even notice them. There's a left handed one over there. I
noticed him earlier."
Max Robertson
You don't even notice them … but he noticed him earlier!

"It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is
off."
Harry Carpenter
If the pressure is off, how can she be thriving on the pressure?

"When Martina is tense it helps her relax."
Dan Maskell
How can she relax if she's tense?

"We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining."
Harry Carpenter
If it stopped raining then of course there hasn't been any more rain!

"She comes from a tennis playing family. Her father's a dentist."
BBC 2
Is her father a dentist or a tennis player?
                                                                                                                                                             Page 4 of 5
          The United Kingdom’s international organisation for educational opportunities and cultural relations. We are registered in England as a charity.
                                                                                                Podcasts – Stories – Funny sports quotes

"Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where he is on the court."
Mark Cox
If he's so big, why is it difficult to see where he is?
Other sports:
"And the line up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East
Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."
David Coleman
There's a man in the women's final?

"Marvellous oriental pace he's got, just like a Buddhist statue."
Harry Carpenter
Have you ever seen a statue move fast?

"I'm concentrating so much I don't know what I'm doing half the time."
Mark Kaylor
You normally concentrate so that you do know what you're doing!

"Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets."
David Bean
Where do they cycle if it's not on the streets?

"He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain."
Peter Alliss
"Indecisive" and "not so certain" mean the same thing!

"Your luck goes up and down like swings and roundabouts."
James Hunt
Swings go up and down. Roundabouts go round and round!

"A racing horse is not like a machine. It has to be tuned up like a racing car."
Chris Pool
If it's not a machine, why does it have to tuned up like a racing car?

"He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere."
Ray French
"Like a needle in a haystack" means "impossible or extremely difficult to find" - so how can he be
everywhere?

"But there was still the big prize money, hanging there like a carrot waiting to be picked."
David Vine
Carrots don't hang - they grow under the ground!

"It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil."
Anita Lonsborough
"Soil" is the material on the surface of the ground in which plants grow. It's difficult to swim in!

"If our swimmers want to win any more medals, they'll have to put their skates on."
Dave Brenner
To "put your skates on" means "to hurry", but you couldn't swim very well with skates on, could
you?

"The Sri Lankan team have lost their heads, literally."
Gamine Goonasena
To "lose your head" means to "lose control of yourself", but if you do it literally, then your head
must be rolling around on the ground!
                                                                                                                                                             Page 5 of 5
          The United Kingdom’s international organisation for educational opportunities and cultural relations. We are registered in England as a charity.

				
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