VIEWS: 7 PAGES: 23 POSTED ON: 8/20/2011
Literal Headlines? Revenge of The Blonde - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a - Deer Kill 17,000 long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. - Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." - Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the - British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the - Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees earth to the moon?" - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five- - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up - Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his - Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the - Air Head Fired Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co- - Steals Clock, Faces Time workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives - Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. - Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" - Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even The Adroit Bank Clerk be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, The bank manager noticed the new clerk was adroit at counting training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. education?" he asked. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test "Yale," replied the lad. took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter "And what's your name?" asked the manager. what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." "Yim Yohnston," he replied. The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, things when he noticed an old lady following him around. then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just wife and go home." died recently." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her "Im very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can to the same door to the same room and handed her the same do for you?" gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find it would make me feel much better." your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door leaving, he called out, "Good Bye mother!" As he stepped up to even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" Classified Ads Illiterate? Write today for free help. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. meals, and smacks included. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Automatically burns toast. 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For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home. A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain in a town in Texas. The Bible and the TV Guide He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just On the table, side by side: about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes; we ain't all The Holy Bible and the TV Guide. stupid here in the South." One is well worn but cherished with pride, No, not the Bible, but the TV Guide. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart One is used daily to help folks decide; mouth little fella on your knee!" No, it isn't the Bible; it's the TV Guide. Yes the pages are turned, what shall they see? Oh, what does it matter -- turn on the TV. Then confusion reigns; they can't all agree On what they shall watch on the old TV. So they open the book in which they confide. No, not the Bible, the TV Guide. The Word of God is seldom read, Oh, maybe a verse as they fall into bed Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be, One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring Not from reading the Bible, but from watching TV. up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The So then back to the table, side by side, seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Is the Holy Bible and the TV Guide. the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son." No time for prayer, no time for the Word. The plan of salvation is seldom heard. "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the Forgiveness of sin, so full and free, plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. Is found in the Bible, not on TV. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" College Entrance Exam 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five. University of Indiana Entrance exam 11. Where does the rain come from? Football player version a. Macy's Time limit: 3 weeks b. 7-11 c. Canada 1. What language is spoken in France? d. The Sky 2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social a. yes conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau. b. no 3. Would you ask William Shakespear to: 13. What are coat hangers used for? a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what c. lead an army country? d. write a play 15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - 4. What religion is the Pope? spell your name in block letters. a. Jewish b. Catholic 16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located? c. Hindu d. Polish 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? e. Agnostic a. New York (check only one) b. FLORIDA c. Canada 5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters? d. Wisconsin 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little 18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do hand is on the 5? you have? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.) 19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for? 8. What are the people in America's far north called? 20. The University of Indiana tradition for efficiency began a. westerners when? b. southerners a. B.C. c. easterners b. A.D. d. northerners c. STILL WAITING 9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton. * YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY The Cookie Thief How do you make babies? A woman was waiting at an airport one night, With several long hours before her flight. A second grader came home from school and said to her She hunted for a book in the airport shop, mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. today." She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see, The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That the man beside her, as bold as could be, "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between, "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es." Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene. She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock, As the gutsy "cookie thief!" diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!" With each cookie she took, he took one too. When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do. Fire and Flood With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie and broke it in half. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and He offered her half, as he ate the other. asked him what he was doing there. She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother, This guy has some nerve, and he's also rude, The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!" Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" She had never known when she has been so galled, And sighed with relief when her flight was called. The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate, Mississippi? Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate." Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, Then sought her book, which was almost complete. The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise: a flood?" There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes! "If mine are here," she moaned with despair, "Then the others were his and he tried to share!" Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief! Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life Dad's Job together was, of course, perfect. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said, "What does your driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, mother do all day?" when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a they were driving along delivering the toys. mailman." Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them Billy?" survived the accident. Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in Who was the survivor? a brothel." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading****. The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a honey?" car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed illustrates another point: women never listen either. the insurance company." Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to they lay down for the night, the following conversation ensued. report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. Holmes: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars". good to the children." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of children." galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent". JUST A JOKE? POLISH PLANE CRASH The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the early this afternoon in central Poland. manager asked the new guy. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the "John," the new guy replied. evening. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby- pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" Everyone has a right to be stupid. The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." Some just abuse the privilege. "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a change in punctuation alters the meaning: change in punctuation alters the meaning: Dear John, Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Susan let me be yours? Susan Dear John, Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Susan you let me be? Yours, Susan Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a change in punctuation alters the meaning: change in punctuation alters the meaning: Dear John, Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Susan let me be yours? Susan Dear John, Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Susan you let me be? Yours, Susan BIRTH ORDER Your Clothes: 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your cleaners. ob-gyn confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as Going Out: possible. 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you 3rd baby: Your regular clothes ARE your maternity clothes. call home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to The Baby's Name: leave a number where you can be reached. 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. sees blood. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. At Home: 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Sounds good to me! baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure Preparing for Birth: your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby. 1st baby: You practice your breathing regularly. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember children. that, last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in the eighth month. Photography: 1st baby: You photograph every second of the poor kid's The Layette: existence. 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color- 2nd baby: You photograph the kid on birthdays, Christmas or coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. other holidays. 2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and 3rd baby: When grandparents ask for a photo, you retouch one discard only those with the darkest stains. of the others. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 40 Crazy Ways To Take An Exam You're Going To Fail 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers Anyway!! into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 fifteen minutes. minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, 14. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know I've got the secret documents!!" one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be 15. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not creative. Use the integral symbol. looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the 16. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. instructor's left nostril. 17. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 18. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to 6. Bring cheerleaders. another seat, continue with the exam. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, 19. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?" 20. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). volume at max level. 21. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting and answers completely blacked out. way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this creative. 22. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory > tone, "the light bulb that 10. Bring pets. goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. " 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have 23. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 to leave the country" and run off. minutes, put on a white mask and start singing, "The phantom of the opera is here...inside my mind!!!" until they drag you away. 35. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 24. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would 36. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 37. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... 25. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!" 38. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 26. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 39. Complete the exam with everything you write being 27. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to backwards at a 90 degree angle. Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling 40. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. you are asked to stop, say, "It helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find 28. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers use the phrase "Told you so” into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 29. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 30. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 31. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 32. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 33. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 34. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. 3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done. ONLY IN AMERICA 4. Build on high ground. Only in America... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... 5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Only in America... 6. Two heads are better than one. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... 7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. Only in America... Do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a Diet Coke... 8. If you can't fight or flee -- float! Only in America... 9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. Do banks leave both doors open to the vault and then chain the pens to the counters... 10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. 11. When the "poopy" gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- Only in America... shovel!!! Do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... 12. Stay below deck during the storm. Only in America... 13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was Do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and built by professionals. leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... 14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. Only in America... 15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat Do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call than the storm outside. waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... 16. Don't miss the boat. 17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side. REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD....... MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truck. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was MEGA HERTZ: When yore not careful gettin that farwood ofn the truck. different than other kids had too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and RAM: Thats the thing whut splits the farwood. what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter taim. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the "Child Labor Laws" by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim. beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more things WINDOWS: Whut to shut in the winter taim. for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season. nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds, and life was really tough. BYTE: Whut them flys do. She wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They CHIP: Munchies fer the TV had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag. could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids INFARED: Whur the left over munchies go. Fred eats em. experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields. other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife. We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million other things other kids did. LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps. Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once. We knew KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the keys. better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays. Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest SOFTWARE: Them plastic knifes and forks. adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like our mom was. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. The world just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof. ENTER: Northern for come on in y'all. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you caint remember whut ya paid fer yer new rifle when your wife asks. Smiling is infectious, :) :) :) SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE you catch it like the flu, :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" When someone smiled at :) :) :) me today, I started smiling too. :) :) 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside :) :) :) :) :) :) a restaurant. I passed around :) :) :) 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. the corner, and someone saw my grin - :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. When he smiled I : ) :) :) :) realized, I'd passed it on to him . :) :) 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. :) :) :) :) :) 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in I thought about :) :) :) tennis shoes. that smile, then I realized its worth, :) :) 7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. :) :) :) :) :) A single smile, just like :) :) :) 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. mine, could travel round the earth. : ) :) :) :) :) :) :) 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. So, if you feel a smile :) :) :) begin, don't leave it undetected - :) :) 10. Your bologna has no first name. :) :) :) :) :) 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. Let's start an epidemic :) :) :) quick and get the world infected ! : ) :) 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. :) :) :) :) :) 13. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. :) :) :) :) :) 14. At communion you go back for seconds. THE DASH The Burning Hut I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. In case you are having one of those days; one of those weeks; or He referred to the dates on her tombstone one of those years, here is something that will give you a better from the beginning...to the end. perspective on your situation. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, Hope this brightens your day. but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, that she spent alive on earth... uninhabited and now only those who loved her island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every know what that little line is worth. day he For it matters not, how much we own; scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of and how we spend our dash. driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few So think about this long and hard... possessions. are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range.") But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to If we could just slow down enough find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung the way other people feel. with And be less quick to anger, grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a like you've never loved before. ship If we treat each other with respect, that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his So, when your eulogy's being read rescuers. with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. about how you spend your dash? To the world you may be one person, But to one person you may be the world. There was once a Shakespearian actor who was known everywhere for his one-man show of readings and recitations from the classics. He would always end his performance with a Why Men Can't Win dramatic reading of Psalm 23. Each night, without exception, as the actor began his recitation - "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. not want" - the crowd would listen attentively. And then, at the If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. conclusion of the psalm, they would rise in thunderous applause in appreciation of the actor's incredible ability to bring the verse If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. to life. But one night, just before the actor was to offer his If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get customary recital of Psalm 23, a young man from the audience off your butt and find something better. spoke up. "Sir do you mind if tonight I recite Psalm 23?" The actor was quite taken back by this unusual request, but he If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. allowed the young man to come forward and stand front and If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. center on the stage to recite the psalm, knowing that the ability of this unskilled youth would be no match for his own talent. With a If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. soft voice, the young man began to recite the words of the If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. psalm. When he was finished, there was no applause. There was no standing ovation as on other nights. All that could be If you cry, you're a wimp. heard was the sound of weeping. The audience had been so If you don't, you're insensitive. moved by the young man's recitation that every eye was full of tears. Amazed by what he had heard, the actor said to the youth, If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a "I don't understand. I have been performing Psalm 23 for years. I chauvinist. have a lifetime of experience and training - but I have never been If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated able to move an audience as you have tonight. Tell me, what is woman. your secret?" The young man humbly replied, "Well sir, you know the psalm... but I know the shepherd." If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said to the little boy while holding out her hand. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. "My dog ate it," was his confident reply. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. "Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!" ~~~ IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? ~~~ As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the 5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh he's dead now. is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. Subject: Instuctions on products & Remote Controller The Gold Slippers The following are actual instructions found on the named items: It was only four days before Christmas. The spirit of the season hadn't yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping. local discount store. Inside the store, it was worse. Shopping carts and last minute shoppers jammed the aisles. Why did I come today? I ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase wondered. My feet ached almost as much as my head. My list necessary. Details inside. contained names of several people who claimed they wanted nothing but I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didn't buy them anything. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. Buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high cost of items, I considered gift-buying anything but fun. ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost. Hurriedly, I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and proceeded to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it looked ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head. as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait. In front of me were two small children - a boy of about 5 and a younger girl. The boy wore a ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered tennis shoes jutted far out in the bottom of the box.) front of his much too short jeans. He clutched several crumpled dollar bills in his grimy hands. The girl's clothing resembled her brother's. Her ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after head was a matted mass of curly hair. Reminders of an evening meal heating showed on her small face. She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold house slippers. As the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on system, the girl hummed along, off-key but happily. body When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or were a treasure. The clerk rang up the bill. "That will be $6.09," she operate machinery said. The boy laid his crumpled dollars atop the stand while he searched his pockets. He finally came up with $3.12. "I guess we will have to put ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness them back," he bravely said. "We will come back some other time, maybe tomorrow." With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children girl. "But Jesus would have loved these shoes, " she cried. "Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor back," he said. or outdoor use only. Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas. Suddenly a pair of ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank you lady." use "What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" I asked. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts The boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus." ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open The girl spoke, "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in packet, eat nuts. heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?" ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear streaked face. "Yes" I hands. answered, "I am sure she will." Silently I thanked God for using these children to remind me of the true spirit of giving." Dental Negotiation Thought you all could use some Tom Swifties: One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. 1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. 2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" 3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it himself. down to $60." 4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, "That's still too expensive," the man says. revolted. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the 5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related. teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." 6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair. "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." 7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my straightforwardly. students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." 8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded. "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !" 9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully. 10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully. 11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with When I take a long time, I am slow condescension. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough 12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained. When I don't do it, I am lazy When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy 13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart When my boss does the same, that is initiative 14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely. When I please my boss, I'm brown-nosing When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating 15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled. When I do good, my boss never remembers 17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate. When I do wrong, he never forgets 18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred. A Christmas Story You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more. peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it? someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get a around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else. always be with us. Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was about to answer the final question - worth 500 points! alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up two of Santa's reindeer." walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" like this could take the heart right out of them." Mike loved kids, all kids, and he knew them, having coached little The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent you please explain... 'Olive?!?'" them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done "You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each And Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a reindeer..." check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. The Root of All Evil? There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist. "Everything is coming up roses!" he would say. The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins' households score below average on standardized tests. personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the and give the optimist a box of manure." The parents followed these home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant instructions and carefully observed the results. mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly influenza ravaged whole nations. complaining, "I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this . . ." 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of giggling. "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little gotta be a pony!" as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. for his awkward ways. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by minute. his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just babbling. entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!" Ponderables God's Wife - After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of It's a cold day in December...New York City. A little boy about 10 years the water? Old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy - How can there be self-help "groups"? and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" - If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," the boy replied. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get - Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her - Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. their stomach? By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon - When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket the boy's feet, she then purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the signs? remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him. - When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, young man, you feel thrown away? more comfortable now?" - When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand and why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting? Looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? "Are you God's wife?" - Why do they report power outages on TV? - Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. - There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot. - What a nice night for an evening. - Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? - My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it." - When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
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