Revenge of The Blonde by liaoqinmei


									                                                                                              Literal Headlines?
                  Revenge of The Blonde
                                                                       - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a        - Deer Kill 17,000
long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks
if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just     - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.                                           - Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun.                                                                - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."                - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.              - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a
blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:        - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me
only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."          - Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the        - British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the      - Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
earth to the moon?"                                                    - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls
out a five-                                                            - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up        - Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his          - Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the          - Air Head Fired
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-       - Steals Clock, Faces Time
workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives       - Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely
takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.                     - Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"                               - Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.                                 -   Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
                                                                     A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
                                                                     These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot
                                                                     of testing and background checks involved before you can even
                   The Adroit Bank Clerk                             be considered for the position.
                                                                     After sending some applicants through the background checks,
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was adroit at counting        training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance         2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
education?" he asked.                                                The day came for the final test to see which person would get
                                                                     the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
"Yale," replied the lad.                                             took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
                                                                     We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
"And what's your name?" asked the manager.                           what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you
                                                                     will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.                                          The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
                                                                     serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA
                                                                     man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
                                                                     So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
                                                                     gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
                                                                     what the circumstances", they explained to the second man.
                                                                     "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and
                                                                     kill her."
                                                                     The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few          gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
things when he noticed an old lady following him around.             then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally     in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon   shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No"
me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel     the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just    wife and go home."
died recently."                                                      Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
"Im very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can     to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
do for you?"                                                         gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!'     what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
it would make me feel much better."                                  your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was                 The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door
leaving, he called out, "Good Bye mother!" As he stepped up to       even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.
the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How        One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming,
can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"             crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes,
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.       then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
                                                                     woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys
                                                                     didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him
                                                                     to death with the chair!"
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                                                    A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain
                                                    in a town in Texas.
               The Bible and the TV Guide           He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big
                                                    burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just
On the table, side by side:
                                                    about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes; we ain't all
The Holy Bible and the TV Guide.
                                                    stupid here in the South."
One is well worn but cherished with pride,
No, not the Bible, but the TV Guide.
                                                    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy
                                                    pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart
One is used daily to help folks decide;
                                                    mouth little fella on your knee!"
No, it isn't the Bible; it's the TV Guide.
Yes the pages are turned, what shall they see?
Oh, what does it matter -- turn on the TV.
Then confusion reigns; they can't all agree
On what they shall watch on the old TV.
So they open the book in which they confide.
No, not the Bible, the TV Guide.

The Word of God is seldom read,
Oh, maybe a verse as they fall into bed
Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be,
                                                    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was
Not from reading the Bible, but from watching TV.
                                                    up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The
So then back to the table, side by side,
                                                    seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
Is the Holy Bible and the TV Guide.
                                                    the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
                                                    "Good morning son."
No time for prayer, no time for the Word.
The plan of salvation is seldom heard.
                                                    "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the
Forgiveness of sin, so full and free,
                                                    plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
Is found in the Bible, not on TV.
                                                    "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
                                                    replied the pastor.

                                                    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
                                                    Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
                                                    "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
                     College Entrance Exam                         10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
                                                                   being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
                       University of Indiana
                         Entrance exam                             11. Where does the rain come from?
                      Football player version                            a. Macy's
                       Time limit: 3 weeks                               b. 7-11
                                                                         c. Canada
1. What language is spoken in France?                                    d. The Sky

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with       12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social          a. yes
conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.                   b. no

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:                            13. What are coat hangers used for?
   a. build a bridge
   b. sail the ocean                                               14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what
   c. lead an army                                                 country?
   d. write a play
                                                                   15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or -
4. What religion is the Pope?                                      spell your name in block letters.
    a. Jewish
    b. Catholic                                                    16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
    c. Hindu
    d. Polish                                                      17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    e. Agnostic                                                           a. New York
    (check only one)                                                      b. FLORIDA
                                                                          c. Canada
5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?                 d. Wisconsin

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little   18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do
hand is on the 5?                                                  you have?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)                19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

8. What are the people in America's far north called?              20. The University of Indiana tradition for efficiency began
     a. westerners                                                 when?
     b. southerners                                                       a. B.C.
     c. easterners                                                        b. A.D.
     d. northerners                                                       c. STILL WAITING

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.                              * YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS
                                                                   CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY
                      The Cookie Thief
                                                                           How do you make babies?
A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.                 A second grader came home from school and said to her
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,                 mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.         today."
She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,        The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,              "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,              "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
As the gutsy "cookie thief!" diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.                                  Fire and Flood
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.              A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and
He offered her half, as he ate the other.                  asked him what he was doing there.
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he's also rude,               The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!"                   Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
                                                           What are you doing here?"
She had never known when she has been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.         The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,       Mississippi?
Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate."           Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance
She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.           The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise:   a flood?"
There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!

"If mine are here," she moaned with despair,
"Then the others were his and he tried to share!"
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life                                      Dad's Job
together was, of course, perfect.
                                                                     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was             did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said, "What does your
driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road,    mother do all day?"
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.                      Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not              "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
they were driving along delivering the toys.                         mailman."

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect   "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them             Billy?"
survived the accident.
                                                                     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in
Who was the survivor?                                                a brothel."

                                                                     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
                                                                     geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
                                                                     Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his
                                                                     son had said and asked if there might be some logical
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa         Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain
Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man                    a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

 ****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men
keep reading****.

                                                                     The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class
                                                                     asked her to play doctor.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect       "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened,
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a          honey?"
car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this          "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed
illustrates another point: women never listen either.                the insurance company."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As                   A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
they lay down for the night, the following conversation ensued.             report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
Holmes: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you
see".                                                                       She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
                                                                            hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".                             good to the children."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"                                      The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
                                                                            inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of             children."
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.               The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our

                          JUST A JOKE?                                                       POLISH PLANE CRASH
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him        A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery
to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the       early this afternoon in central Poland.
manager asked the new guy.                                                  Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
                                                                            far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
                "John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-
pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first
name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker
...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

         Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
                                                                            Everyone has a right to be stupid.
       The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
                                                                            Some just abuse the privilege.
          "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a          Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a
change in punctuation alters the meaning:                                  change in punctuation alters the meaning:

Dear John,                                                                 Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,     I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and         thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no     inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you   feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you
let me be yours? Susan                                                     let me be yours? Susan

Dear John,                                                                 Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,     I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and        thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have      inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have
no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will     no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours, Susan                                                you let me be? Yours, Susan

Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a          Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a
change in punctuation alters the meaning:                                  change in punctuation alters the meaning:

Dear John,                                                                 Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,     I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and         thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no     inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you   feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you
let me be yours? Susan                                                     let me be yours? Susan

Dear John,                                                                 Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,     I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and        thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have      inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have
no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will     no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours, Susan                                                you let me be? Yours, Susan
                         BIRTH ORDER

Your Clothes:                                                           3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your         cleaners.
ob-gyn confirms your pregnancy.
 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as                Going Out:
possible.                                                                1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
 3rd baby: Your regular clothes ARE your maternity clothes.            call home five times.
                                                                         2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
The Baby's Name:                                                       leave a number where you can be reached.
 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice                    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.            sees blood.
 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.                                 At Home:
 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see               1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Sounds good to me!                   baby.
                                                                        2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
Preparing for Birth:                                                   your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
 1st baby: You practice your breathing regularly.                       3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember            children.
that, last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in the eighth month.                Photography:
                                                                        1st baby: You photograph every second of the poor kid's
The Layette:                                                           existence.
 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-                   2nd baby: You photograph the kid on birthdays, Christmas or
coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.      other holidays.
 2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and             3rd baby: When grandparents ask for a photo, you retouch one
discard only those with the darkest stains.                            of the others.
 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown – you
pick up the baby.
 2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to
wake your firstborn.
 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim
and Baby Story Hour.
 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
40 Crazy Ways To Take An Exam You're Going To Fail                                      12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
Anyway!!                                                                                into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
                                                                                        exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15                        fifteen minutes.
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.                                    13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre,                             14. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
I've got the secret documents!!"                                                        one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be                                  15. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
creative. Use the integral symbol.                                                      looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the                                16. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
instructor's left nostril.
                                                                                        17. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,                          to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell                      instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to
out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start                               expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
                                                                                        18. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
6. Bring cheerleaders.                                                                  another seat, continue with the exam.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,                         19. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've                     walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"                                         20. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
                                                                                        true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the                               things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
volume at max level.
                                                                                        21. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting                         and answers completely blacked out.
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this creative.                                                                   22. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
                                                                                        why, tell him/her in a very derogatory > tone, "the light bulb that
10. Bring pets.                                                                         goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
                                                                                        clapper. "
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have                     23. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
to leave the country" and run off.                                                      minutes, put on a white mask and start singing, "The phantom of
                                                                                        the opera is here...inside my mind!!!" until they drag you away.
                                                                     35. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
24. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where
you know the class is very small, and the instructor would           36. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to           you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
                                                                     37. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
25. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,    sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"                                          38. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
                                                                     chairs, anything you can reach.
26. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
                                                                     39. Complete the exam with everything you write being
27. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to                backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When
they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling    40. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.                           you are asked to stop, say, "It helps me think." Bring a copy of
                                                                     the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
28. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest         the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers     use the phrase "Told you so”
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to
your own life story.

29. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword
and shield.

30. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you
have bad circulation.

31. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this
is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple
them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached
notes for references as you see fit."

32. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

33. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

34. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.                                            ONLY IN AMERICA
4. Build on high ground.                                                  Only in America...
                                                                          Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
                                                                          Only in America...
6. Two heads are better than one.
                                                                          Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but
so were the snails.                                                       Only in America...
                                                                          Do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a Diet Coke...
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
                                                                          Only in America...
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.      Do banks leave both doors open to the vault and then chain the
                                                                          pens to the counters...
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the "poopy" gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
                                                                          Only in America...
shovel!!!                                                                 Do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
                                                                          Only in America...
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was       Do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
built by professionals.                                                   leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
                                                                          Only in America...
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
                                                                          Do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
than the storm outside.                                                   waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
                                                                          in the first place...
16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other
                                                                           REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO

                                                                           LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter

                                                                           LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
                                                                           MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.               DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truck.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat
sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was        MEGA HERTZ: When yore not careful gettin that farwood ofn the truck.
different than other kids had too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we      FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and
                                                                           RAM: Thats the thing whut splits the farwood.
what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be
gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.                    HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter taim.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the "Child
Labor Laws" by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the         PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim.
beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of
cruel jobs. I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more things   WINDOWS: Whut to shut in the winter taim.
for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and           SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read
our minds, and life was really tough.                                      BYTE: Whut them flys do.
She wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up.
They                                                                       CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone
else                                                                       MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag.
could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids           INFARED: Whur the left over munchies go. Fred eats em.
experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing
                                                                           MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
other's property, or ever arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault.                                                      DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million
other things other kids did.                                               LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps.
Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once. We
knew                                                                       KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the keys.
better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays.
Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest       SOFTWARE: Them plastic knifes and forks.
adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like our mom
was.                                                                       MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
The world just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore
                                                                           MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

                                                                           ENTER: Northern for come on in y'all.

                                                                           RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you caint remember whut ya paid fer
                                                                           yer new rifle when your wife asks.
                                                                  Smiling is infectious,       :)      :)          :)
                 SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE                              you catch it like the flu,      :)        :)         :)
                                                                  :)       :)          :)        :)        :)
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"      When someone smiled at             :)        :)         :)
                                                                  me today, I started smiling too.        :)        :)
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside   :)       :)       :)       :)      :)          :)
a restaurant.
                                                                  I passed around      :)      :)                  :)
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.                the corner, and someone saw my grin -                 :)           :)
                                                                  :)      :)        :)      :)      :)
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond
with Abe Lincoln.                                                 When he smiled I : )           :)           :)               :)
                                                                  realized, I'd passed it on to him .       :)               :)
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
                                                                      :)       :)          :)         :)        :)
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in     I thought about         :)       :)           :)
tennis shoes.                                                     that smile, then I realized its worth,         :)                 :)

7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.                             :)       :)         :)       :)        :)
                                                                  A single smile, just like       :)      :)         :)
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.           mine, could travel round the earth. : )          :)
                                                                        :)      :)          :)     :)        :)
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.                So, if you feel a smile     :)      :)        :)
                                                                  begin, don't leave it undetected -         :)       :)
10. Your bologna has no first name.
                                                                  :)       :)         :)     :)         :)
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.          Let's start an epidemic     :)      :)                  :)
                                                                  quick and get the world infected ! : )                 :)
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.                                    :)       :)        :)     :)        :)

13. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.      :)       :)         :)       :)          :)

14. At communion you go back for seconds.
               THE DASH
                                                                     The Burning Hut
    I read of a man who stood to speak
           at the funeral of a friend.           In case you are having one of those days; one of those weeks; or
 He referred to the dates on her tombstone       one of those years, here is something that will give you a better
      from the the end.           perspective on your situation.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,      Hope this brightens your day.
   but he said what mattered most of all
     was the dash between those years.
    For that dash represents all the time        The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small,
        that she spent alive on earth...         uninhabited
    and now only those who loved her             island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every
    know what that little line is worth.         day he
  For it matters not, how much we own;           scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
       the cars....the house...the cash.
   What matters is how we live and love          Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of
         and how we spend our dash.              driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few
    So think about this long and hard...         possessions.
   are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
   (You could be at "dash mid-range.")           But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to
    If we could just slow down enough            find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
      to consider what's true and real,
         and always try to understand            The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung
          the way other people feel.             with
          And be less quick to anger,            grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
         and show appreciation more
      and love the people in our lives           Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a
       like you've never loved before.           ship
    If we treat each other with respect,
                                                 that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.
       and more often wear a smile...
    remembering that this special dash
         might only last a little while.         "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his
    So, when your eulogy's being read            rescuers.
    with your life's actions to rehash...
 would you be proud of the things they say       "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
     about how you spend your dash?
   To the world you may be one person,
 But to one person you may be the world.
There was once a Shakespearian actor who was known
everywhere for his one-man show of readings and recitations
from the classics. He would always end his performance with a                               Why Men Can't Win
dramatic reading of Psalm 23. Each night, without exception, as
the actor began his recitation - "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall     If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
not want" - the crowd would listen attentively. And then, at the       If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
conclusion of the psalm, they would rise in thunderous applause
in appreciation of the actor's incredible ability to bring the verse   If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
to life. But one night, just before the actor was to offer his         If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get
customary recital of Psalm 23, a young man from the audience           off your butt and find something better.
spoke up. "Sir do you mind if tonight I recite Psalm 23?" The
actor was quite taken back by this unusual request, but he             If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
allowed the young man to come forward and stand front and              If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
center on the stage to recite the psalm, knowing that the ability of
this unskilled youth would be no match for his own talent. With a      If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
soft voice, the young man began to recite the words of the             If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
psalm. When he was finished, there was no applause. There
was no standing ovation as on other nights. All that could be          If you cry, you're a wimp.
heard was the sound of weeping. The audience had been so               If you don't, you're insensitive.
moved by the young man's recitation that every eye was full of
tears. Amazed by what he had heard, the actor said to the youth,       If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
"I don't understand. I have been performing Psalm 23 for years. I      chauvinist.
have a lifetime of experience and training - but I have never been     If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
able to move an audience as you have tonight. Tell me, what is         woman.
your secret?" The young man humbly replied, "Well sir, you
know the psalm... but I know the shepherd."                            If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
                                                                       If she asks you, it's a favor.

                                                                       If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
                                                                       If you don't, you're a slob.

                                                                       If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said to the little
boy while holding out her hand.
                                                                       If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

  "My dog ate it," was his confident reply.                            If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
                                                                       If you're not, you're not ambitious.
  "Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really
expect me to believe that?"                                            If she has a headache, she's tired.
                                                                       If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
  "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to
force him, but he ate it!"
                      ~~~ IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? ~~~

   As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)       4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.      Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
                                                                             set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000              Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these    conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting
are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying              that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.                                     amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
                                                                            214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million            weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.                times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the              5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he             resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6         spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household         reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of      Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the       exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,      in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the        thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly       centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false         Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now         his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once       In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh        he's dead now.
is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
Subject: Instuctions on products & Remote Controller                                       The Gold Slippers
The following are actual instructions found on the named
items:                                                              It was only four days before Christmas. The spirit of the season hadn't
                                                                   yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping.              local discount store. Inside the store, it was worse. Shopping carts and
                                                                   last minute shoppers jammed the aisles. Why did I come today? I
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase             wondered. My feet ached almost as much as my head. My list
necessary. Details inside.                                         contained names of several people who claimed they wanted nothing
                                                                   but I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didn't buy them anything.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.          Buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high cost of
                                                                   items, I considered gift-buying anything but fun.
ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.                       Hurriedly, I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and
                                                                   proceeded to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it looked
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.            as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait. In front of me were two
                                                                   small children - a boy of about 5 and a younger girl. The boy wore a
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on   ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered tennis shoes jutted far out in
the bottom of the box.)                                            front of his much too short jeans. He clutched several crumpled dollar
                                                                   bills in his grimy hands. The girl's clothing resembled her brother's. Her
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after        head was a matted mass of curly hair. Reminders of an evening meal
heating                                                            showed on her small face. She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold
                                                                   house slippers. As the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on            system, the girl hummed along, off-key but happily.
body                                                                   When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully
                                                                   placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or             were a treasure. The clerk rang up the bill. "That will be $6.09," she
operate machinery                                                  said. The boy laid his crumpled dollars atop the stand while he searched
                                                                   his pockets. He finally came up with $3.12. "I guess we will have to put
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness              them back," he bravely said. "We will come back some other time,
                                                                   maybe tomorrow." With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children            girl. "But Jesus would have loved these shoes, " she cried.
                                                                       "Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor           back," he said.
or outdoor use only.                                                   Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in
                                                                   line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas. Suddenly a pair of
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other         arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank you lady."
use                                                                    "What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" I
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts                         The boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy
                                                                   said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus."
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open             The girl spoke, "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in
packet, eat nuts.                                                  heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful
                                                                   walking on those streets to match these shoes?"
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your          My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear streaked face. "Yes" I
hands.                                                             answered, "I am sure she will."
                                                                       Silently I thanked God for using these children to remind me of the
                                                                   true spirit of giving."
                                                                                                    Dental Negotiation

         Thought you all could use some Tom Swifties:                    One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will
                                                                         cost to extract wisdom teeth.
1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.
                                                                         "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.
                                                                         "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside
                                                                         "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it
                                                                         down to $60."
4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said,
                                                                         "That's still too expensive," the man says.
                                                                         "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the
5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
                                                                         teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
                                                                         "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said,
                                                                         "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
                                                                         students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
                                                                         "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with      When I take a long time, I am slow
condescension.                                                           When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.     When I don't do it, I am lazy
                                                                         When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy
13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom
remarked.                                                                When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart
                                                                         When my boss does the same, that is initiative
14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed,
remotely.                                                                When I please my boss, I'm brown-nosing
                                                                         When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating
15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
                                                                         When I do good, my boss never remembers
17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.         When I do wrong, he never forgets

18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
                          A Christmas Story                                You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When
                                                                           Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got
It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our          the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the
Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has         tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.
peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.         Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an
  It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the       envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and
true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it?               someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing
overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get a     around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers
tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts         take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will
given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.          always be with us.
  Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual
shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special
just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.
  Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level
at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a
non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church,
mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that
shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together,
presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold       The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and
uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was      about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a
kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a         "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name
luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up       two of Santa's reindeer."
walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys
got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false           The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief,
bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.          gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
  Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them
could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing          "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
like this could take the heart right out of them."
  Mike loved kids, all kids, and he knew them, having coached little         The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above
league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his       their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling,
present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store       and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could
and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent          you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed
the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done        "You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began
and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing      to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.
about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each                And
Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of          if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other
mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a           reindeer..."
check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the
ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.
  The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the
last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their
new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad
lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.
   As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents,
but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there.
                     The Root of All Evil?                           There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist.
                                                                     "Everything is coming up roses!" he would say. The other twin was a
                                                                     sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.         Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them
                                                                     to the local psychologist.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming         He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins'
households score below average on standardized tests.                personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to
                                                                     open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford,
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the    and give the optimist a box of manure." The parents followed these
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant     instructions and carefully observed the results.
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and          When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly
influenza ravaged whole nations.                                     complaining, "I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet
                                                                     this calculator will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know
                                                                     someone who's got a bigger toy car than this . . ."
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of eating bread.                                            Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their
                                                                     little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of       giggling. "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little   gotta be a pony!"
as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human            There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread     difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community.
could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food     He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.       breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach
                                                                     him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's
                                                                     patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.                                for his awkward ways.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees             Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one     into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by
minute.                                                              his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them.
                                                                     The young man expressed his regret.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical      The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing?
                                                                     How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just
babbling.                                                            entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!"
                              Ponderables                                                                   God's Wife
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of       It's a cold day in December...New York City. A little boy about 10 years
the water?                                                                     Old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering
                                                                               through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy
- How can there be self-help "groups"?                                         and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek,
  does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?                     "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," the boy replied. The lady
                                                                               took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still   a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give
grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?                                    her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She
                                                                               took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her
- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in            gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel.
their stomach?
                                                                                By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket           the boy's feet, she then purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the
signs?                                                                         remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him.

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be          She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, young man, you feel
thrown away?                                                                   more comfortable now?"

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder             As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand and
why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?                                Looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question
                                                                               with these words:
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?                        "Are you God's wife?"

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

- There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an

- What a nice night for an evening.

- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and
when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, then forget it."

- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August?

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