Little Shop Of Horrors Script - DOC

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					                       Little Shop Of Horrors Script

On the 23rd day of the month of September... in an early year of a decade
not too long before our own... the human race suddenly encountered a deadly
threat to its very existence.

And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do... in the
seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places.


Girls:            Little Shop
            Little Shop of Horrors
            Little Shop of Terror
            Watch 'em drop
            Little Shop of Horrors

Ronnette:   Shing-a-ling
            What a creepy thing to be happening

            Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

Chiffon:    Shang-a-lang
            Feel the Sturm und Drang in the air

Crystal:    Stop right where you are
            Don't move a thing

Girls:            You'd better, telling you, you'd better
            Tell your mama, Something's gonna get her
            She'd better, everybody better, beware

            Look out!

            Come-a, come-a, come-a

            Little Shop
            Little Shop of Horrors
            You'll never stop the terror
            Little Shop
            Little Shop of Horrors''

                        ACT ONE
                        SCENE 1

(Crystal, Ronnette and Chiffon are on the side walk near a bum. They remain
there idly chatting, reading magazines, eating and grooming. Upstage,
lights come on to reveal Mr Mushnik at the worktable, reading the Uxbridge
Daily News and waiting for customers. Customers seldom arrive. What few
flowers are evident, as wilted, cobwebbed and on their last legs. The large
clock moves slowly, accompanied by tick-tock music. Suddenly there is an
ear-splitting crash from the back workroom. Mushnik shouts in the direction
of the noise without getting up.)
Mr Mushnik: Seymour, what's going on down there?

(Mushnik grunts and returns to the paper. The clock advances. When it hits
11, Audrey appears, sporting a black eye. She runs into the shop. As she
enters, the clock hits two and stops. Radio is turned on and the following
is played.)

News Reader:         ...and at his press conference today, President Kennedy
               fielded questions...

Mr Mushnik: What did you break now Krelborn?

(The clock advances. When it hits eleven, Audrey appears, sporting a black
eye. She runs across the stage, past the girls, and into the shop. As she
enters, the doorbell sounds. The clock hits two and stops.)

Mr Mushnik: So, she finally decides to come to work!

News Reader:         ...concerning last Thursday's total eclipse of the sun...
               an astrological phenomenon, which has baffled the nation.

Audrey:              Good morning, Mr Mushnik.

Mr Mushnik: What morning? It's almost closing time. Not that we had a
            customer. Who has customers when you run a flower shop on
            Skid Row?

Audrey:              I'm sorry Mr Mushnik.

(She takes her coat off and checks hair in the mirror, and makeup as we
hear another loud crash from the workroom)

Mr Mushnik: Seymour, what in the name of God is going on in there?

Seymour:       (offstage) Very little, Mr Mushnik!

(During the exchange, Audrey is trying to hide her black eye. She grabs
some roses from the window seat and starts to arrange them.)

Mr Mushnik: Audrey, would you go down and see what he's... (he looks at
            her for the first time) Where did you get that shiner?

(She frantically busies herself to avoid eye contact and further questions)

Audrey:              Shiner?

Mr Mushnik: Audrey, that greasy boyfriend of yours is beating up on you

               (no answer)

               I know it's none of my business... but I'm beginning to
               think he's maybe not such a nice boy.

Audrey:              You don't meet nice boys when you live on Skid Row, Mr Mushnik

(Seymour enters with several trays of plants)
Seymour:    I got these pots unloaded for you, Mr Mushnik

(he trips over his feet and falls, sending trays of pots flying across the

Mr Mushnik: Seymour, look what you've done to the inventory!

Audrey:             Don't yell at Seymour, Mr Mushnik.

Seymour:    Oh, hi Audrey.

(looking up from the floor)

            You look radiant today. Is that new eye make-up?

Audrey:             I'll help him clean it up before any of the customers get

Mr Mushnik: Well that oughta give you plenty of time. Look God, what an
            existence I got! Misfit employees, bums on the sidewalk...
            business is lousy. My life is a living hell!

(He steps outside and talks to three teenage girls on the sidewalk)

            Hey, you. Urchins! Move! Move! Go away! Off the stoop! It
            ain't bad enough I got the winos permanently decorating the
            store front? I need three worthless ragamuffins to complete
            the picture? No loitering!

Ronette:    I wasn't loitering. Were you, Crystal?

Crystal:    Not me, Ronette. Were you, Chiffon?

Mr Mushnik: You ought to be in school!

Chiffon:    We're on a split shift.

Ronnette:   That's right. We went to school until fifth grade, then we

Mr Mushnik: How do you intend to better yourselves?

Crystal:    Better ourselves? You hear what he said? Better ourselves?
            Mister, when you're from Skid Row, ain't no such thing.


Girls:            Lady Tramp
            Alarm goes off at seven
            And you start uptown
            You put in your eight hours
            For the powers that have always been

Ronnette:   Sing it, child.
Girls:            Lady Tramp
            Till it's five p.m.

Wino #1 (sitting up suddenly):
            Then you go

(Collapsing again)

Girls:               Downtown

Street walker #1:
            Where the folks are broke

Girls:               You go downtown

Street walker #2:
            Where your life's a joke

Girls:               You go downtown

Street walker #3:
            Where you buy your token and go

All:        Home to Skid Row

Wino #2 (sitting up suddenly):
            Yes, you go

Girls:               Downtown

Street walker #4:
            Where the cabs don't stop

Girls:               Downtown

Street walker #5:
            Where the food is slop

Girls:               Downtown

Street walker #6:
            Where the hopheads flop in the snow

All:        Down on Skid Row

Girls:            Uptown, you cater to a million jerks
            Uptown, you're messengers
            And mailroom clerks
            Eating all your lunches
            At the hotdog carts
            The bosses take your money
            Then they break your hearts

(Audrey enters, emptying a bin fill of flower cuttings)

Chorus:              Uptown you cater to a million whores
            You Disinfect terrazzo
            On their bathroom floors
            Your morning's tribulation, afternoon's a curse
            And five o'clock is even worse

Wino #3 (pops up):
            That's when you go

All:        Downtown

Audrey:           Where the guys are drips

All:        Downtown

Audrey:           Where they rip your slips

All:        Downtown

Audrey (sits on trash can):
            Where relationships are no go

All:        Down on Skid Row''

Seymour (lights flash to him scrubbing the floor on his knees):
            All my life I've always been poor
            I keep asking God what I'm for
            And he tells me, 'Gee, I'm not sure.
            Sweep that floor, kid.

(gets up to sweep floor)

            I started life as an orphan
            A child of the street
            Here on Skid Row

(refers to Mushnik)

            He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed
            Crust of bread and a job
            Treats me like dirt
            Calls me a slob, which I am
            So I live

All:        (Quietly) Downtown

Seymour:    That's your home address

All:        You live Downtown

Seymour:    When your life's a mess

All:        You live Downtown

Seymour:    Where depression's just... status quo
             Down on Skid Row

Seymour (moves and looks into distance)
            Someone show me a way to get outa here
            Cause I constantly pray I'll get outa here
            Please, won't somebody say I'll get outa here
            Someone give me my shot or I'll rot here

Seymour:     Show me how and I will

             I'll get outa here
             There's no rules for us
             I'll start climbing uphill
             Who live
             And get outa here

             Someone tell me               cause it's dangerous to
             I still could get outa here   live
             Someone tell Lady Luck        Downtown
             That I'm stuck here           Where the rainbows just a no-show
                                     When you live

(All, except Seymour and Audrey are now moving in a very dramatic, dream
like way. Both Audrey and Seymour look into the distance, ideally standing
mirroring each other, looking into the distance of dreams.)

       Seymour and Audrey:                       Chorus:
       Gee, it sure would be swell               Downtown
       To get outa here                    Where the sun don't
       Bid the gutter farewell                   shine
       And get outa here                   Downtown
       l'd move heaven and hell                  Past the bottom line
       To get outa Skid                    Downtown
       l'd do I don't know what                  Go ask any Wino
       To get outa Skid                    He'll know
       But a hell of a lot                       Downtown
       To get outa Skid                    Downtown
       People tell me there's not                Downtown! Skid
       A way outa Skid
       But believe me, I gotta
       Get outa Skid

All:         Row!


(At the end of the song, they return to their last positions. The winos
look in the bin for food. Seymour tends to flowers in the window. Mushnik
ushers Audrey back into the shop, where she collects a bunch of limp roses
from the stage work table and works at getting the lifeless stems to stand
up. Mushnik returns to reading the newspaper.

Meanwhile, a few Winos come to the window. The three in the shop look at
the door, as if they hear a customer. One of the winos cough disgustingly
and the three turn back in annoyance and boredom. Audrey crosses and
brushes past Seymour. An awkward look passes between them. The clock
eventually turns 6pm)

Mr Mushnik: Look at that! Six o'clock and we haven't sold so much as a
            fern! That's it! Forget it. Don't bother coming in

Audrey:           You don't mean...

Seymour:    You can't mean...

Mr Mushnik: What? What don't I mean? I mean I'm closing, forget it.

Audrey:           You can't

Mr Mushnik: Kaput. Extinct. I'm closing this God and customer forsaken

(Audrey nudges Seymour forward)

Seymour:    Mr Mushnik, forgive me for saying so, but has it ever
            occurred to you... that maybe what the firm needs is to
            move in a new direction?

Audrey:           What Seymour's trying to say, Mr Mushnik, is... Well,
            we've talked about it and both agree…

(Audrey looks at Seymour confidently)

            Seymour, why don't you run downstairs and bring up... that
            strange and interesting new plant you've been working on?

(Seymour exits to the back room)

            You see Mr Mushnik, some of those exotic plants Seymour's
            been tinkering around with... are really unusual. We both
            think that maybe some of those strange and interesting new
            plants... prominently displayed and advertised, would
            attract business.

(Seymour enters carrying a plant)

Seymour:    I'm afraid it isn't feeling very well today.

Audrey:           There. Now, isn't that bizarre?

Mr Mushnik: At least. What kind of a weirdo plant is that, Seymour?

Seymour:    I don't know. I think it's some kind of flytrap... but I
            haven't been able to identify it in any of my books. I gave
            it my own name though. I call it an Audrey Two

Audrey:           (Deeply moved) After me?

Seymour:    (Shy and gazing at her) I hope you don't mind. You see Sir,
            if you were to put a strange and interesting plant like
            this... here in the window, then maybe...

Mr Mushnik: Maybe what? Maybe what?

(Returning to seat to pick up paper)

            Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? Just because
            you put a strange plant in the window people don't

(Suddenly a customer appears at the door)

Customer 1: Excuse me. I couldn't help noticing that strange and
            interesting plant. What is it?

Audrey:              It's an Audrey II.

Customer 1: I've never seen anything like it before.

Mr Mushnik: No one has.

Customer 1: Where did you get it?

Seymour:    Well. Remember that total eclipse of the sun about a week

(The three girls enter at the window. Girls make hand gestures to song.)

            DA DOO

Girls:               Da-Doo

Seymour:    I was walking in the wholesale flower district that day.

Girls:               Shoop-Da-Doo

Seymour:    And I passed by this place where this old Chinese man...

Girls:               Chang-Da-Doo

Seymour:    He sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings.

Girls:               Snip-Da-Doo

Seymour:    'Cause he knows strange plants are my hobby.

Girls:               Da Da Da Da Da

Seymour:    He didn't have anything unusual there that day.

Girls:               Nope-Da-Doo

Seymour:    So I was just about to, you know, walk on by...

Girls:               Good for you
Seymour:       When suddenly and without warning, there was this...

Seymour and Girls:
   eclipse of the sun.

Seymour:       It got very dark. And I heard a strange humming sound, like
               something from another world.

Girls:               Da-Doo

Seymour:       When the light came back, this weird plant was just sitting

Girls:               Oops-Ee-Doo

Seymour:       Just stuck in, you know, among the zinnias.

Girls:               Audrey II

Seymour:       I coulda sworn it hadn't been there before... but the old
               Chinese man sold it to me anyway. For a dollar ninety-five.

Girls:               Sha la la la la la
               Doo Doo Doo Doo

(Girls shrink behind the window and disappear)


Customer 1: Well, that's an unusual story, and a fascinating plant.

(Begins to walk out)

               Oh, I may as well take fifty dollars' worth of roses while
               I'm here.

Mr Mushnik: Fifty dollars! Yes sir, right away, sir!

(Crosses to the cash register. All scurry around the shop in excitement)

Customer 1: Can you break a hundred?

Mr Mushnik: A hundered? No.

(Stops in his tracks)

Customer #1:         Then I'll just have to take twice as many.

Mr Mushnik: Twice as many?

Seymour:       Twice as many!

Audrey:              Twice as many!

(Audrey grabs both men and takes them to the counter. She wraps the flowers
in Mr Mushnik's paper. Now more customers enter and hysteria emerges in the
shop. All three are running around, gathering plants and serving customers
The three girls enter and start to clean up the shop, getting rid of
cobwebs and dusting everything and everyone.)

Customer #2:         That plant in the window, it's simply amazing!

Customer #3:         That plant in the window, wherever did you get it?

Customer #4&#5:   There it is, Marge.
            Oh, my gosh, it's peculiar.

Customer #6:         That plant is so strange and wonderful, can I get one?

Seymour:       Thank you very much, sir! (To customers)

Audrey:              Thank you!

(They run outside and are ecstatic, calling after the customers with thanks
yous and come agains)

Mr Mushnik: Thank you! Come again! Come and look at the weirdo plant
            some more! It's just going to get bigger and more

(They all stand in silence and bemusement at what just happened)

               Don't just stand there! Quick, quick! Put the plant back...
               What did you call it?

Seymour:       Audrey II.

Mr Mushnik: Put that Audrey II back in the window where passers-by can
            see it. I never thought this could happen! My children, I'm
            taking us all out to dinner tonight!

Audrey:              Oh, I'd love to, Mr Mushnik, but I have a date.

(She crosses to get her coat from the coat rack)

Mr Mushnik: With that nogoodnik? I'm telling you, Audrey, you don't
            need a date with him, you need major medical. He ain't a
            good clean kinda boy.

Audrey:              (Putting her coat on)   He's a professional.

Mr Mushnik: What kinda professional drives a motorcycle and wears a
            black jacket?

Audrey:              He's a rebel, Mr Mushnik, but he makes good money.
               Besides... he's the only fella I got. Enjoy dinner.
               Goodnight, Seymour.

Seymour:       Goodnight, Audrey.

(Audrey exits)

Mr Mushnik: Poor girl. (Collecting his paper from the desk)
Seymour:    Are we still going out?

(The plant wilts)

Mr Mushnik: You're not going anywhere, Krelbourn! You're staying right
            here and taking care of that sick plant! How come it's
            fainting all the time?

Seymour:    I told you it's been giving me trouble. It just wilts like
            this. Audrey II is not a healthy girl.

Mr Mushnik: Strictly between us, neither is Audrey I.

Seymour:    If I only knew what breed it was.

Mr Mushnik: Who cares what breed it is? Look what it's done for
            business. Work. Nurse this plant back to health. I'm
            counting on you.

(crosses to door)

Seymour:    I know.

Mr Mushnik: You do? (turns)

Seymour:    I do.

Mr Mushnik: So fix. Good night.

(Now alone in the shop. He begins to try to feed and tend to the plant. He
looks in books and is upset to not find the answers)

Seymour:    Ah Twoey, I don't know what else I can do for you. Are you
            sickly, little plant, or are you just plain stubborn? What
            is it you want? What is it you need?

            PLEASE GROW FOR ME

            I've given you sunshine
            I've given you dirt
            You've given me nothin'
            But heartache and hurt
            I'm beggin' you sweetly
            I'm down on my knees
            Oh, please,
            grow for me

            I've given you plant food
            And water to sip
            I've given you potash
            You've given me zip
            Oh God, how I mist you
            Oh pod, how you tease
            So please,
            grow for me

      (Gets book from shelf and exhibit pages)
             I've given you southern exposure
             To get you to thrive
             I've pinched you back hard
             Like I'm supposed ta
             You're barely alive
             I've tried you at levels of moisture
             From desert to mud

      (Begins to tidy up rubbish off floor)

             I've given you growth lights and mineral supplements
             What do you want from me? Blood?

      (Pricks finger)

             Ouch! Damn roses! Damn thorns! Clumsy me Twoey, look what I

      (Sucks finger. Plant makes sucking noises. A sequence of
      realisation ensues)

             I've given you sunlight
             I've given you rain
             Looks like you're not happy
             'Less I open a vein
             I'll give you a few drops
             If that'll appease
             Oh, please...

             (Walks off stage. Sings last line off stage)

               ...grow for me!

             (On stage alone the plant grows)


                             Act 1
                            Scene 2
                         Uxbridge Radio.

(Screen closed. Forestage we see Mr Mushnik, Chiffon, Crystal and Ronnette
crowded around the radio stage, listening to a transmission.)

Jingle:            Uxbridge radio.

Announcer:   You're listening to radio station Uxbridge, home of the
             hits. In just a few minutes we'll bring you Wink
             Wilkensen's Weird World... where wonderful people bring in
             their weird things.

             But first, the weather.

Weather reader:   Thank you. The weather today will be partly cloudy with a
            chance of rain. Sorry. The high temperature will be in the
             low degrees tonight...

Seymour:     Excuse me. I was told to come...

Radio executive:
            You're next.

(As the following is being read, the plant tries to eat the radio
executive's bum. Seymour looks around and only just catches the plant,
before it is too late.)

Weather reader:   High tomorrow should be around 4 degrees, with the low of
            around -2 degrees. In the suburbs, the sun should be
            sneaking out through most of the day... except for some
            cloudy patches towards the evening. The barometer reading
            should be 760 millimetres. The wind will be about... oh I'd
            say lots miles per hour. The sun will be rising tomorrow at
            about 7.32am... and it should be setting around 4.15pm. The
            cold front is moving in from the southwest. It should
            brighten up by noon. The weekend should be mild. The
            average mean temperature for the season is 0 degrees

             You're listening to radio station Uxbridge Radio. Sponsored
             by The Chimes.

Announcer:   And now, Wink Wilkensen's Weird World, with your host, Wink

Wink:        Hi! lt's Weird Wink Wilkensen, laughin' and scratchin' at
             ya. How's everybody today? I got a bit of a stiff neck. Let
             me just fix this up.

             That feels a lot better! I got a great show for you today
             with some wonderful weird stuff! What are you doing here?
             Please, put your clothes back on! You can't do this to me!
             What if your husband were to walk in?

             I'm here, Wink. I love your show... but l've got to kill
             you both with this machine gun. You got me! I feel so very

             Our first guest is a young man... you probably read about
             in the newspapers by the name of... Seymour Krelborn. Is
             that correct? Who has discovered a new breed of plant
             unknown on this planet. Let me play you down to your seat,

(Plays gag music)

             Hello, Seymour!

Seymour:     Hello, Wink.

Wink:        I wish you folks at home could see this. Seymour, where did
             you get such a weird plant?
Seymour:    Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun about a
            week ago?

Girls (sing):     Da Doo

(Lights go down on Seymour and brighten on the radio and its listeners, who
come to life)

Wink:       And thus we conclude our interview with the young
            botanical... Mind if I call you a genius?

Seymour:    Gosh, no!

Wink:       The genius who has discovered this amazing, unidentified

Seymour:    I'd like to remind our listeners that the Audrey II is on
            display... exclusively at Mushnik's Skid Row Florists.
            That's Mushnik's Skid Row Florists... (they talk over each

Crystal:    Well look who's here

Audrey:           Hi Crystal, hi Ronette, hi Chiffon. Am I late? Did I miss

Ronette (Crosses to Audrey):
            Sure are

Chiffon (joins her):
            And sure did

Audrey (crosses down past them):
            Seymour's first radio broadcast. I wanted to cheers him on.
            I tried to be on time, but...

Crystal:    Don't tell me.

Girls (they all go to sit together by the trash can):
            You got tied up.

Audrey:           No, just handcuffed, a little.

Ronette:    Girl. Hey, girl. I don't know who this mess is you hangin'
            out with, but he is hazardous to your health.

Audrey:           That's for sure. But I can't leave him.

Chiffon:    Why not?

Audrey:           He'd get angry. And if he does this when he likes me,
            imagine what he'd do if he ever got mad.

Crystal:    So, dump the chump. Get another guy and let him protect

Chiffon:    And we got one all picked out.
Ronette:    A little botanical genius. About this high.

Crystal:    And she ain't talking bout Tom Cruise.

Audrey:           Seymour?

Girls:            Bingo

Audrey:           Oh, we're just friends. I could never be Seymour's girl. I
            got a past.

Chiffon:    And who amongst us hasn't?

Audrey:           I don't even deserve a sweet, considerate... suddenly
            successful guy like Seymour.

Ronnette:   This poor child suffers from low self-image.

Chiffon:    You got a point.

Crystal:    She got a problem.

(Audrey goes to the front of the stage and begins to sing into the
distance. The girls are reluctant, but a little in to the song, join her.
The girls react to some of the lines and sit mocking a little. They move
from side to side at points)


            I know Seymour's the greatest
            But I'm dating a semi-sadist
            So I got a black eye
            And my arm's in a cast
            Still that Seymour's a cutie
            Well, if not, he's got inner beauty
            And I dream of a place
            Where we could be together at last

Ronnette:   What kind of place is that, honey? An emergency room?

Audrey:           Oh no. It's just a day dream of mine. A little development
            I dream of. Just off the interstate. Not like Levittown.
            Just a little street in a little suburb. Far, far from
            urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place, where
            everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same
            little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so
            neat and pretty, 'cause they all look just alike. Oh, I
            dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And
            a sweet little guy. Like Seymour...

(The lights soften and the girls move closer to Audrey)

Audrey:           A matchbox of our own
            A fence of real chain-link
            A grill out on the patio
            Disposal in the sink
            A washer and a dryer
            And an ironing machine
            In a tract house that we share
            Somewhere that's green

            He rakes and trims the grass
            He loves to mow and weed
            I cook like Betty Crocker
            And I look like... Donna Reed
            There's plastic on the furniture
            To keep it neat and clean
            In the Pine-sol scented air
            Somewhere that's green

            Between our frozen dinner
            And our bedtime, nine fifteen:
            We snuggle watching Lucy
            On our big, enormous...
            Twelve-inch screen

            I'm his December bride
            He's father, he knows best
            The kids play Howdy Doody
            As the sun sets in the west
            A picture out of Better Homes...
            ...and Gardens magazine

            Far from Skid Row
            l dream we'll go
            Somewhere that's...

(On the last word, Audrey reaches out to a place in the distance and they
all look as if they see her dream)

                  ACT ONE
                  Scene 3


Seymour, Audrey, Mushnik and Chorus:
            We're closed for renovation
            For spiffing-up and grooming
            'Cause customers are flocking
            And business has been booming
            We need refrigeration
            In our new, improved display
            So we're closed for renovation

            We're closed for decoration
            'Cause fortune has been smiling
            So now we're due for painting
            New plumbing and re-tiling
            We'll make a ship-shape showplace
            Of a little shop and then
            Tomorrow we'll be open

            We're closed for renovation
            For swabbing-down and brooming
            'Cause business has been thriving
            Since Audrey Two's been blooming
            The phones have not stopped ringing
            With the customers who say

Seymour:    Another bunch of peonies

Audrey:             Another dozen daisies please

Seymour:    Geraniums, anemones

Audrey:             Forget-me-nots and fleur-de-lis

Mushnik:    With gratis home deliveries

Seymour, Audrey, Mushnik:
            On paid-in-fulls and CODs. We're closed for renovation...

(On telephone, Mushnik is obeying orders. On stage, there is bustle in the
shop of customers. Audrey is to the side of the stage arranging flowers.)

Mr Mushnik: Yes, Mrs. Shiva. No, Mrs. Shiva. Right away, Mrs. Shiva.

(Puts phone down)

            Did you send Mrs. Shiva's order?

Seymour:    Mrs. Shiva? I forgot!

Mr Mushnik: You forgot? You forgot! Do you hear this, God? He forgot!
            Are you listening, customers? He forgot!

Seymour (He joins Audrey at the flowers):
            Quick! We've got to do an emergency arrangement.

Audrey:             Birthday? Wedding? Baby?

Seymour:    Funeral.

Audrey:           Get me the lilies. (Gestures for the Lilies. Seymour passes
            them. He hangs on her every word and does as she asks.)

Seymour:    Mr. Mushnik's real mad at me. I keep forgetting things.

Audrey:             Scissors. You got a lot on your mind.

Seymour:    What mind? The Shivas are our biggest funeral account. A
            huge family, dropping off like flies!

Audrey:             Sometimes I think Mr. Mushnik's too hard on you. Glue.
Seymour:   That's okay. I owe him everything.

Audrey:          Glitter.

Seymour:   He took me out of the Skid Row Home for Boys... gave me a
           warm place to stay, floors to sweep, toilets to clean...
           and every other Sunday off.

Audrey:          You know, I think you ought to raise your expectations. Now
           that you're getting successful, I mean. lt's clear you
           suffer from a low self-image. lt's high time you get it
           fixed. Why don't you go out and do something nice for
           yourself like... buy some new clothes?

Seymour:   I'm a very bad shopper, Audrey. I don't have good taste,
           like you.

Audrey:          I could help you pick things out.

Seymour:   You could?

Audrey:          Sure.

Seymour:   You'd go shopping with me?

Audrey:          Sure.

Seymour:   You'd be seen with me in a public place like a department

Audrey:          Sure.

Seymour:   Tonight?

Audrey:          I can't tonight. I got a date. But I'd like to go with you
           another time.

Seymour:   Sure, I'll pencil you in.

Audrey:          I'll bet you gota lota dates now. Huh?

Seymour:   Well not dates exactly. But a alotta garden clubs have been
           calling, asking me to give lectures ?

Audrey:          Gee!

Seymour:   Imagine me, giving lectures. I never even finished grade

Audrey:          That doesn't matter. You got life experience.

Seymour:   Some experience. I don't even know what it's like to fly in
           an aeroplane.

Audrey:          Me neither

Seymour:   Or eat a fancy dinner at a restaurant
Audrey:              Me neither

Seymour:    Or ride a motorcycle

Audrey:              Oh, it's no big deal. And besides, it's dangerous.

Seymour:    Is it?

Audrey:           Extremely dangerous. Gee I'd better go an fix my face. My
            date'll be here in a minute.

(She exits. Seymour looks after her longingly. Light fade on stage and come
up downstage, on the street. Orin Scrivello enters, wearing a black leather
jacket. He encounters the three girls, who sit - as always - on the stoop)


Orin:       Excuse me ladies. Which way to Thirteen-thirteen Skid Row?

Crystal:    That information'll cost you a dollar

Orin:       No problem, here you go.

Chiffon:    It's right over there. But if you're like the thousands of
            others hioping to look at Audrey II, you better come back
            tomorrow. Shop's closed today.

Orin:       Oh, I'm not here to buy posies, girls. I'm here to pick up
            my date.

Chiffon:    You ain't by any chance talkin' bout a girl with a black

Crystal:    And several other medical problems

Orin:       As a matter of fact...

(The girls descend upon him full force, shouting and almost knocking him

Girls:            That's him! That's the one! Who do you think you are
            treating her that way? Get outta here and don't come back!
            Beat it! Get lost etc.

Ronnette:   Yo!

Orin:       (pulls out his nitrous oxide and starts giggling.) Ladies!
            Ladies! Ladies! I'm friendly! Truce! You want some nitrous

Crystal:    Why don't cha get lost, Vitalis brains? Last thing Audrey
            needs is more of your kind.

Orin:       My kind is a very nice kind, ladies. I'm not a monster.

Ronnette:   What would you call it?
Orin:       I would call it... (Inhales)... I would call it an
            occupational hazard.

Chiffon:    Say what?

Orin:       You see girls, my line of work requires a certain
            fascination with human pain and suffering. (Inhales again)
            This stuff is great. Allow me to explain.


(Girls clap out rhythm)

Orin:       When I was younger, just a bad little kid
            My mama noticed funny things I did
            Like shooting puppies with a BB gun
            I'd poison guppies and when I was done
            I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
            That's when my mama said

Girls:            What did she say?

Orin:       She said, My boy, I think someday
            You'll find a way
            To make your natural tendencies pay

            You'll be a dentist                        You'll be a dentist
            You have a talent for causing things pain
            Son, be a dentist                   Son, be a dentist
            People will pay you to be inhumane
            Your temperament's wrong                   Ah
            for the priesthood                         Ah
            And teaching would suit you still less           Ah
            Son, be a dentist
            You'll be a success'

Ronnette:   Here he is, folks. The leader of the plaque

Chiffon:    Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my God!

Crystal:    He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good

Girls:            Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?

Patient:    Oh, that hurts! Wait, I'm not numb.

Orin:       Oh, shut up. Open wide, here I come!

            I am your dentist                    Goodness gracious
            And I enjoy the career that I picked             You love it
            I am your dentist                    Fitting braces
            And I get off on the pain I inflict        You really love it
            When I start extracting your molars        Don't try it
            You girls will be screaming like holy rollers    Dentist!
            And though it may cause
            my patients distress

            Somewhere, in heaven above me
            I know that my mama's proud of me

            Oh, Mama!

            Now I'm a dentist
            And a success

            Say, 'Aaah'                           'Aaah'

            Say, 'Aaah'                           'Aaah'

            Say, 'Aaah'                           'Aaah'

            Now... spit!


(Orin arrives at the shop and is greeted by Seymour)

Seymour:    Excuse me, sir, you can't go in there right now.

Orin:       Relax. You want some nitrous oxide?

(Seymour motions disgust)

            Suit yourself.

Seymour:    We're closed.

Audrey:           It's all right, Seymour. This is my date, my boyfriend.
            Seymour, Orin Scrivello.

(Orin gives her a look and motions for a back hand)

Orin:       I know you. I saw you on the news. I even know your name.
            Let's see. It's... Cecil. No, no. It's... Cedric. No.

(Frown from Seymour)

            Give me a chance. It's Simon?

Audrey:           Seymour!

Orin:       Somebody talking to you?

Audrey:           No. Excuse me.

Orin:       Excuse me, what?

Audrey:           Excuse me... Doctor?

Orin:       That's better. I know! You're the plant guy, right? That
            means it must be in there. That is incredible! What do you
            call that thing?
Seymour:     Audrey II.

Orin:        Cute name. It's catchy. Nice plant. Big.

Audrey:            Shouldn't we be leaving now?

Orin:        You're quite the little chatterbox, ain't ya?

Audrey:            I'm sorry.

Orin:        Sorry, what?

Audrey:            Sorry, Doctor. Doctor. Sorry, Doctor.

Orin:        You've got to train them, stud. Here's my card. You need a
             root canal or anything like that, give me a buzz. It's on
             the house. You got the handcuffs?

Audrey:            They're right in my bag.

(The two exit, leaving Seymour, who goes to the plant)


Seymour:     You ought to see the way he treats her, Twoey. She deserves
             a prince, not a sadistic creep like him. The man's a total
             disgrace to the dental profession. I don't know what's
             going on, sometimes. Seems like the whole world's going
             crazy. At least we got each other, right?

             I'm gonna turn in, Twoey. I'll see you in the morning.

(The plant wilts again)

             Oh, boy. Here we go again. Come on, I haven't got much
             left. Give me a few days to heal. We'll start again on the
             left hand and...

(Plant opens his mouth and Seymour is stunned)

Audrey II:   Feed me!

Seymour:     I beg your pardon?

Audrey II:   Feed me.

Seymour:     Twoey, you talked! You opened your trap and you said...

Audrey II:   Feed me, Krelborn! Feed me now!

Seymour:     I can't!

Audrey II:   I'm starving!

Seymour:     Maybe I can squeeze a little more out of this one.
(Motions squeezing fingers)

Audrey II:   More! More! More!

Seymour:     There isn't any more!

(Pushes the plant away)

             What do you want me to do? Slit my wrists?

Audrey II:   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Seymour:     Oh, boy! Look, l've got an idea. I'll pick you up some nice
             chopped sirloin.

Audrey II:   Must be blood.

Seymour:     That's disgusting.

Audrey II:   Must be fresh.

Seymour:     I don't want to hear this.

Audrey II:   Feed me.

Seymour:     Does it have to be human?

Audrey II:   Feed me!

Seymour:     Does it have to be mine?

Audrey II:   Feed me!

Seymour:     Where am I supposed to get it?

             FEED ME

Audrey II:   Feed me, Seymour
             Feed me all night long
             That's right, boy
             You can do it

             Feed me, Seymour
             Feed me all night long. Henh, henh, henh
             Cause if you feed me, Seymour
             I can grow up big and strong''

Seymour:     (Talks) You eat blood, Audrey II. Let's face it. How am I
             supposed to keep feeding you? Kill people?

Audrey II:   I'll make it worth your while.

Seymour:     What?

Audrey II:   You think this is all coincidence, baby? The sudden success
             around here? The press coverage?
Seymour:     Look, you're a plant. An inanimate object.

Audrey II:   Does this look inanimate to you, punk? If I can talk and I
             can move, who's to say I can't do anything I want?

Seymour:     Like what?

Audrey II:   Like deliver, pal. Like see you get everything your sacred
             greasy heart desires.

             Would you like a Cadillac car?
             Or a guest shot on Jack Paar?
             How about a date with Hedy Lamarr?
             You're gonna get it, if you want it, baby.
             How'd you like to be a big wheel?
             Dining out for every meal?
             I'm the plant that can make it all real

             You're gonna get it

             I'm your genie, I'm your friend
             I'm your willing slave
             Take a chance just feed me and
             You know the kind of eats, the kinda red-hot treats
             The kind of sticky, licky sweets I crave

             Come on, Seymour, don't be a putz
             Trust me, and your life will surely rival King Tut's
             Show a little initiative, work up some guts
             And you'll git it!

             Seymour:                Audrey II:
             I don't know                  Come on, boy!
             I don't know                  Lighten up.
             I have so,
             So many strong
             Should I go
             And perform

Audrey II:   (Talks) You didn't have nothing till you met me. Come on,
             kid. What will it be? Money? Girls? One particular girl?
             How about that Audrey? Think it over. There must be someone
             you could real quiet like and get me some lunch!

             Think about a room at the Ritz
             Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz
             A little nookie gonna clean up those zits,
             and you'll get it

Seymour:     Gee, l'd like a Harley machine
             Tooling around like I was James Dean
             Making all the guys on the corner turn green
Audrey II:   If you want to be profound
             If you really got to justify
             Take a breath and look around

             (Talks) A lot of folks deserve to die

Seymour:     Wait a minute! That's not a very nice thing to say.

Audrey II:   But it's true, isn't it?

Seymour:     I don't know anyone who deserves to get chopped up and fed
             to a hungry plant!

Audrey II:   Sure you do.

(Lights up on Orin and Audrey at front of the stage)

Orin:        Stupid woman! Christ, what a frigging scatterbrain!

Audrey:            I'm sorry, Doctor! I'm sorry, Doctor!

Orin:        Falls off the motorcycle!

Audrey:            I'm clumsy, Doctor!

Orin:        Messes my hair! Get the door open, you little slut!

Audrey:            I'm trying, Doctor! I'm trying!

Orin:        Get the Vitalis. Quick, the Vitalis!

Audrey:            I'm out of it!

(Orin grabs her, turns her around and slaps her. Lights go down and back up
on the plant and Seymour. They exchange a long look of understanding)

Seymour and Audrey II:
            If you want a rationale
            It isn't very hard to see
            Stop and think it over, pal

             The guy sure looks like plant food to me
             The guy sure looks like plant food to me
             The guy sure looks like plant food to me

Seymour:     He's so nasty treating her rough

Audrey II:   Smacking her around and always talking so tough

Seymour:     You need blood and he's got more than enough

Audrey II:   I need blood
             And he's got more than enough

Seymour and Audrey II:
            You/I need blood and he's got more than enough
Audrey II:   So go git it!


                      ACT ONE Scene 4

Crazy patient:        Are they finished? My turn?

Nurse:                Sit!

Crazy patient:        What did he do? Tell me everything!

(To little girl who is screaming in pain.)

             They have to do that to remove the jaw. Consider yourself
             very, very lucky.

Orin:        Next!

Crazy patient:        It's me, Arthur Denton! I'm next!

Orin:        Nurse! Does that have an appointment?

Nurse:                Ask it. I'm off duty.

Crazy patient:    I've been saving all month for this. I think I need a root
            canal. I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal.

Orin:        Let's go.

Crazy patient:        I have a history of dental problems.

Orin:        Shut up!

Crazy patient:    Yes, Doctor. I went to a terrible dentist on Wednesday, who
            was recommended to me... by somebody I saw on Monday...
            who's the brother of a man I usually see on Sundays. Their
            mother taught them everything they know. She's gifted, but
            elderly. People think she shouldn't be working. I go to her
            because I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She
            can't really see who you are, but she knows the sound of
            your voice. If you tell her where it is, the problem, she
            eventually finds it and she does it. I wish I had that
            stamina. I can only go so long. That's how I want to be. I
            don't ever want to have to be just...

Orin:        Comfy?

Crazy patient:    Yes, Doctor. I remember the first time I went to a dentist.
            I thought, "What a neat job! lf only I were a dentist." The
            dentist I went to had the greatest car. He had a Corvette.
            Everybody calls him "Doctor" and he's not really a doctor.

(Orin gets out many strange looking instruments)

             Oh, my God! I got out of there okay, but after it was all
               finished... they gave me a candy bar. I thought, "I get a
               candy bar?" You go through that and get chocolate. You work
               with incredible professionals, using incredibly wonderful

Orin:          Let's look at that mouth. Say, "Aaah". Yeah, great!

Crazy patient:        You are something special. You are something special!

(Orin attacks patient's mouth, as patient screams with pleasure)

               Thank you!

               It's your professionalism that I respect. Don't stop, Doc!
               Don't stop! Come on! More!

(Orin gets the next instrument out to get patient's tongue. He plays with
Orin. Orin gets more and more upset and annoyed.)

               What do you want? Say, "Please!" (wiggling tongue around)
               I'm going to get a candy bar!

Orin:          Get out!

Crazy patient:        What's wrong?

Orin:          Get out of here!

Crazy patient:        What's the matter?

Orin:          Go on! Get out of here! This way.

Crazy patient:     I'm gonna tell each and every one of my friends about

Orin:          What's this? (Orin finds one of the instruments in the
               patient's pocket.) Goddamn sicko!

(To Seymour)

               Let me ask you something. Does this scare you?

Seymour:       Yes.

Orin:          Would you like if I took this and made straight for your
               goddamn incisors? It'd hurt, right? You'd scream! Get your
               ass in there! Don't I know you?

Seymour:       Seymour Krelborn. We met yesterday.

Orin:          Your mouth's a mess, kid. That wisdom tooth. We'll rip that
               bugger right out of there. What do you say? There's always
               time for dental hygiene.

Seymour:       What's that?

Orin:          The drill.
Seymour:    It's rusty!

Orin:       It's an antique. They don't make them like this anymore.
            Sturdy... heavy... dull. I'm going to want some gas for

Seymour:    Thank God. I thought you wouldn't use any.

Orin:       The gas isn't for you, Seymour. It's for me. You see, I
            want to really enjoy this. In fact, I'm going to use my
            special gas mask! I find a little giggle gas before I begin
            increases my pleasure enormously. Here we go! Oh, Seymour,
            I'm flying! The things I'm going to do to that mouth! What
            the hell is that? A gun? The kid's got a goddamn revolver!
            I'm in trouble now, huh? Wait till I turn this gas off.
            Give me a hand, would you? No, I guess you wouldn't, would
            you? I could asphyx... What'd I ever do to you?

Seymour:    Nothing. lt's what you did to her.

Orin:       Her who? Oh, her.

(Orin slides down the wall onto the floor).

(Seymour begins to drag him out. He takes it to the Plant. As his
silhouette is chopping up the body and feeding the Plant, Mr Mushnik
watches and runs away.)

                  ACT TWO Scene 1

(Police are seen talking to Audrey and she is very upset. Seymour watches
from the background and runs up to her when they are gone.)

Seymour:    Audrey, what'd they say to you?

Audrey:           Who?

Seymour:    The police.

Audrey:           Oh, nothing.

Seymour:    Talk to me. Tell me what they said.

Audrey:           It's Orin. They say he's disappeared!

Seymour:    The police told you that?

Audrey:           They suspect foul play.

Seymour:    They do?

Audrey:           His receptionist, this morning, found the place a shambles.
            Gas masks everywhere. Things all over the floor. They
            think... I can't even think about what they think.
Seymour:   Don't cry, Audrey. Would it be so terrible if something had
           happened to him?

Audrey:          Seymour, what a thing to say!

Seymour:   Well, would it?

Audrey:          It wouldn't be terrible at all. It'd be a miracle. Not to
           mention all the money I'd save on Epsom salts and Ace

Seymour:   You see?

Audrey:          But I'd still feel guilty. If he met with foul play or some
           terrible accident of some kind... it'd be partly my fault
           just because... secretly I wished it.

Seymour:   Don't you waste another minute thinking about that creep!
           There's a lot of guys that'd give anything to go out with
           you. Nice guys.

Audrey:          I don't deserve a nice guy, Seymour.

Seymour:   That's not true.

Audrey:          You don't know the half of it! I've led a terrible life. I
           deserved a creep like Orin Scrivello, DDS.

Audrey:          You know where I met him? In The Gutter.

Seymour:   The Gutter?

Audrey:          The Gutter. It's a nightspot. I worked there on my nights
           off when we weren't making much money. l'd put on... cheap
           and tasteless outfits, not nice ones like this. Low and
           nasty apparel and I'd...

Seymour:   That's all behind you now. You got nothing to be ashamed

Audrey:          You're a very nice person. I always knew you were.

Seymour:   Underneath the bruises and the handcuffs, you know what I
           saw? A girl I respected. I still do.


Seymour:   Lift up your head
           Wash off your mascara
           Here, take my Kleenex
           Wipe that lipstick away
           Show me your face
           Clean as the morning
           I know things were bad
           But now they're okay

           Suddenly Seymour
            Is standing beside you
            You don't need no make-up
            Don't have to pretend
            Suddenly Seymour
            Is here to provide you
            Sweet understanding
            Seymour's your friend

Audrey:           Nobody ever treated me kindly
            Daddy left early
            Mama was poor
            I'd meet a man
            And I'd follow him blindly
            He'd snap his fingers at me
            I'd say, "Sure"

            Suddenly Seymour
            Is standing beside me
            He don't give me orders
            He don't condescend
            Suddenly Seymour
            Is here to provide me
            Sweet understanding
            Seymour's my friend

Seymour:    Tell me this feeling
            Will last 'til forever
            Tell me the bad times
            Are clean washed away

Audrey:           Please understand that
            It's still strange and frightening
            For losers like I've been
            It's so hard to say
            Suddenly Seymour

Seymour and girls:
            Suddenly Seymour

Audrey:           He purified me

Seymour and girls:
            He purified you

Audrey:           Suddenly Seymour

Seymour and girls:
            Suddenly Seymour

Audrey:           Showed me I can

Seymour and girls:
            Yes, you can
            Learn how to be more

Audrey:           The girl that's inside me
Seymour and girls:
            Ohh, Ohh, Ohh

Audrey:            With sweet understanding

Girls:             With sweet understanding

Seymour:     With sweet understanding

Girls:             With sweet understanding

All:         With sweet understanding
             Seymour's your/my man


Mr Mushnik: You love her madly, don't you, schmuck?

Seymour:     Mr. Mushnik, you scared me.

Mr Mushnik: I scared him? After what I've     seen, I scared him? Do you
            think I didn't know, huh? Oh,     I knew. I knew you'd lie down
            here, on your pathetic little     cot... and dream about her.
            But I didn't know the lengths     to which you'd go... the
            depths to which you'd sink!

Seymour:     What depths? What sink? What are you talking about?

Mr Mushnik: Little red dots all over the linoleum. Little red spots on
            the concrete outside. I'm talking blood, Krelborn. I'm
            talking under my own roof. An axe murderer!


Audrey II:   (Sings) He's got your number now

Mr Mushnik: (Talks) I saw everything.

Audrey II:   (Sings) He knows just what you've done

Mr Mushnik: (Talks) Everything you did to her boyfriend.

Audrey II:   (Sings) You've got no place to hide

Mr Mushnik: (Talks) I saw you chopping him.

Audrey II:   (Sings) You've got nowhere to run

Seymour:     (Talks) It's true. I chopped him up, but I didn't kill him!

Audrey II:   (Sings) He knows your life of crime

Mr Mushnik: (Talks) Tell it to the police.

Audrey II:   (Sings) I think it's suppertime!

                               Girls:         Come on, come on
Audrey II:   Think about all those offers

                                Girls:      Come on, come on

Audrey II:   Your future with Audrey

                                Girls:      Come on, come on

Audrey II:   Ain't no time to turn squeamish

                                Girls:      Come on

Audrey II:   I swear on all my spores.
             When he's gone the world will be yours.
             It's suppertime!

Mr Mushnik: You know, Krelborn, it kills me doing this. But considering
            you're almost like a son to me, I'm thinking... maybe we
            don't have to go to the police.

Seymour:     We don't?

Mr Mushnik: I'm thinking...what if I kept my mouth shut and gave you a
            one-way ticket out of town?

Seymour:     You'd do that, sir?

Mr Mushnik: You could lay low for a while, say 30/40 years. Meanwhile,
            I would keep the plant.

Seymour:     The plant?

Mr Mushnik: Of course, you'd have to teach me how to take care of it
            while you're away. Give me your secret gardening tips. But
            then, if you'd rather hang... What do I have to do?

Seymour:     Just feed it.

Mr Mushnik: Feed it what?

Seymour:     Minerals. Thursdays, you should give it water. But whatever
             you do....

Mr Mushnik: Yes?

Seymour:     Whatever you do....

Mr Mushnik: Yeah? What the hell is...?

Audrey II:   (Sings) It's suppertime!

Mr Mushnik: Seymour Krelborn!

                         ACT TWO Scene 2
Ronnette:   (Squeeling with excitement) There he is girls! I found him!
            There's Seymour! All in a row, people are trying to sign
            Seymour up and he stumbles from one table to another.

Chiffon and Crystal:
            (Ad. Lib) Seymour! Oh Seymour! Seymour! Oooh!

Crystal:    (Taking his stage left side) Can we have you autograph?

Chiffon:    (Taking his stage left side) We saw you on Channel Five

Crystal:    You looked so handsome!

Chiffon:    And you're gonna be so rich!

Seymour:    Girls, please, not now.

(He tries to get away, but they get him in a basket ball style manouvre)

Crystal:    Is it true that Audrey II is Grand Marshal for the Rose

Chiffon:    Is it true the shop is decorating the Senior Prom?

Seymour:    (trying to get away) Yes, it's all true. Now please!

Chiffon:    There are loads of people wantin to holla at cha. Look!

(She leads him onstage full of top executives. He stumbles from one to
another, gaining glasses of champagne)

Executive #1:     Finally, we meet you! What an occasion! Let's toast it. Up
            yours. Relax.

Executive #2:     Let's talk turkey. Sign here.

Executive #3:     We'll book you on lecturing tours.

Executive #4:     Yes, darling.

Executive #5:     We're sending photographers Thursday.

Executive #6:     So get the plant ready and wear a clean shirt.

Executive #7:     Just sign this release.

Executive #8:     Need a pen?

Executive #9:     Aren't you thrilled?

Executive #10:    It's the cover of Life magazine!

Executive #11:    Son, it's a cinch to get ratings.

Executive #12:    The title is Marvin's.
Executive #13:      The concept is mine.

Executive #14:      The first weekly gardening show on the network!

Executive #13:      And you're gonna host it, you lucky kid.

All:        Sign!

(Seymour falls onto the floor, with the room spinning. Ronnette goes over
to him.)

(Semour stumbles into the florists and finds a TV crew standing there, with
Audrey happily blowing kisses at him in the background.)

Seymour:    Oh, my God!

TV presenter:       And here he is himself, Mr. Seymour Krelborn!

            Mr. Krelborn, there are many questions... the people in our
            television audience have for you. Come and tell our viewers
            at home and elsewhere... about this particularly amazing
            agricultural phenomenon.... that's made you one of the most
            talked about plant scientists in the country...

(Plant falls to the floor)

            Cut! What happened to the goddamned greenery?

Seymour:    It just needs to be fed.

TV presenter:       So feed it.

Seymour:    I can't feed it. Not now.

TV presenter:       Then I'll feed it. Where's the plant food?

Seymour:    It doesn't eat plant food. And I can't feed it now. Leave
            me alone. All of you. Just go away. Leave me alone. Get out
            of here. Go away. Etc. Everybody go away! Leave me alone!

Audrey:             You're hysterical.

Seymour:    I know. I'm sorry.

(Seymour rushes out of the shop and into the ally.)

Seymour:    What am I gonna do? I never should've started, but I did.
            Now, if I don't feed it, it'll die. I'll lose her, I'll
            lose everything.

Audrey:             Who are you talking to?

Seymour:    Nobody.

Audrey:           You're acting funny. It wasn't nice throwing those people
            out. Those men said Seymour Krelborn's Gardening Tips... is
            sure to be a very big TV show.
Seymour:     I know. I'm sorry. I feel terrible.

Audrey:            Well, you shouldn't. They're coming back tomorrow and
             they'll bring you a great big cheque. I wish you were
             enjoying your success.

Seymour:     They said they're coming back with money?

Audrey:            Tomorrow.

Seymour:     Then we could afford to get out of here.

Audrey:            What do you mean?

Seymour:     That's it. After tomorrow we could leave here together.

Audrey:            Together?

Seymour:     If you'll have me. Audrey, will you have me?

Audrey:            What do you mean?

Seymour:     Marry me, Audrey.

Audrey:            Seymour, this is so sudden.

Seymour:     Will you?

Audrey:            Sure.

Seymour:     Then that's it! We'll go get married right now. Tomorrow
             I'll be on TV, get the money and then we'll live happily
             ever after. Oh, Audrey, I'll give you a wonderful life with
             no plants, I promise.

Audrey:            No plants at all. You're talking peculiar again.

Seymour:     We'll start tonight. We'll go to City Hall, get married...
             and spend the night somewhere safe. Some nice hotel.

Audrey:            I've got to get ready!

Seymour:     Hurry. Hurry.

                         ACT TWO
                         Scene 3

Audrey II:   Feed me.

Seymour:     Under no circumstances.

Audrey II:   Feed me.

Seymour:     I will not, so stop asking.
Audrey II:   Feed me!

Seymour:     No! No more!

             I can't take living with the guilt.

Audrey II:   Tough titty.

Seymour:     Watch your language.

Audrey II:   Cut the crap. Bring on the meat.

Seymour:     I'll run to the corner, pick you up some nice ground round.
             How about that?

Audrey II:   Don't do me no favors!

Seymour:     It's my last offer. Yes or no?

Audrey II:   You sure do drive a hard bargain.

             Done. Fine. Great.

Seymour:     Don't think you're getting dessert.

(Seymour leaves. Audrey II pulls itself towards the telephone and phones

Audrey:            Hello.

Audrey II:   (Sings) Hey, little lady, hello

Audrey:            Who is this?

Audrey II:   (Sings) You're looking cute as can be

Audrey:            Is this someone I know?

Audrey II:   (Sings) You're looking mighty sweet

Audrey:            Seymour!

Audrey II:   (Sings) No, it ain't Seymour. It's me!

Audrey:            Oh, my God! I don't believe it.

Sudrey II:   Believe it, baby. lt talks.

Audrey:            Am I dreaming this?

Audery II:   No, and you ain't in Kansas, neither.

Audrey:            Something is very wrong here.

Audrey II:   I need me some water in the worst way. Look at my branches.
             I'm drying up. I'm a goner, honey!
             (Sings) Come on and give me a drink

Audrey:            I don't know if I should.

Audrey II:   (Sings) Hey, little lady, be nice

Audrey:            Do you talk to Seymour like this?

Audrey II:   (Sings) Sure do. l'll drink it straight

Audrey:            Your leaves are dry.

Audrey II:   (Sings) Don't need no glass or no ice

Audrey:            I'll get the can.

Audrey II:   (Sings) Don't need no twist of lime

Audrey:            Here we go.

Audrey II:   (Sings) And now it's suppertime!

             Oh, relax, doll. It'll be easy.

Seymour:     Get off of her! Get off!

             Are you okay?

Audrey:            Yes. Yes. I'm okay.

Seymour:     I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt
             anybody. It's just that somehow it makes things happen.
             Terrible things. I should've stopped when I found out what
             it lived on.

Audrey:            But it was so cute and harmless...

Seymour:     ...and we started doing business and making money and you
             liked me...

Audrey:            Do you really think I liked you because of that? I liked
             you from the day I came to work here.

Seymour:     You mean, you'd still like me even if I wasn't famous?

Audrey:            I'd still love you, Seymour.

Seymour:     Really?

All I ever wanted was you...

...and a sweet little house.

You're the most wonderful person
that ever lived.

Seymour:     We're gonna get that little house and everything will be

           Suddenly Seymour
           Is standing beside you
           Suddenly Seymour
           Showed me l can
           Yes, you can...

Patrick:   Excuse me, pardon me, beg your pardon. If you two kids
           would stop singing for a moment... I've got something I
           want to discuss with you. Which one of you is Seymour

Seymour:   I am.

Patrick:   It's a pleasure. Has your phone been busy! l've been trying
           to reach you for weeks. Patrick Martin, Licensing and
           Marketing, World Botanical Enterprises. Son, kid, boy, are
           we gonna make a fortune together!

Audrey:            He's not interested.

Patrick:   He will be. Me and the guys at the home office have been
           following this plant of yours. We've come up with one
           incredible idea. We're very proud of it. Picture this. We
           take leaf cuttings, develop little Audrey IIs... and sell
           them to florist shops across the nation. Pretty soon every
           household in America could have one. Every household in
           America! For starters, kid. Why this thing could go...

Seymour:   Worldwide?

Patrick:   Think of it, boy. Audrey IIs everywhere! With the right
           advertising, this thing could be bigger than Hula-Hoops.

Seymour:   Bigger than Hula-Hoops?

Patrick:   What do you say, Seymour? Do we have a deal?

Seymour:   No! Keep your contract. Nobody's touching that plant.

Patrick:   We're offering a lot of money.

Seymour:   Forget the money! Keep it and get out of here!

Patrick:   Are you nuts?

Seymour:   Yeah, I'm nuts. Get out of here! Go on! Get out of here!

Patrick:   I'll come back when you're in a better mood.

Seymour:   Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Audrey:            I think so.

Seymour:   He'll keep eating until there's nothing left.
Audrey:              We've got to stop it, Seymour! We've got to.

Seymour:     I've got to. I have to end this once and for all. I'll bust
             that pod wide open.

Audrey:              Wait! I'm coming with you.

Seymour:     No, it's me that got us into this. I'm the one to get us
             out. Wait for me, Audrey. This is between me and the

Seymour:     "Every household in America!" Thousands of you, eating!
             That's what you had in mind all along, isn't it?

Audrey II:   No shit, Sherlock!

Seymour:     We're not talking about one hungry plant. We're talking
             about world conquest!

Audrey II:   And I want to thank you!

Seymour:     You're not going to get away with this! Your kind never
             does! I don't care what it takes. Only one of us gets out
             of here alive!

             MEAN GREEN MOTHER

Audrey II:   (Sings)
             Better wait a minute
             You better hold the phone
             Better mind your manners
             Better change your tone

             Don't you threaten me, son
             You got a lot of gall
             We're gonna do things my way
             Or we won't do things at all

             You're in trouble now
             You don't know what
             You're messing with
             You got no idea

             You don't know what you're looking at
             When you're looking here
             You don't know what you're up against
             No, no way, no how

             You   don't know what you're messing with
             But   I'm gonna tell you now
             I'm   just a mean, green mother from outer space
             And   I'm bad

Seymour:     (Talks) Outer space?

Audrey II:   And it looks like you've been had
           I'm a just mean, green mother from outer space
           So get off my back, get out of my face
           'Cause I'm mean and green
           And I am bad

           Want to save your skin, boy?
           You want to save your hide?
           You want to see tomorrow?
           You better step aside

           Better take a tip, boy
           Want some good advice?
           Better take it easy
           'Cause you're walking on thin ice

           You   don't know what you're dealing with
           No,   you never did
           You   don't know what you're looking at
           But   that's tough titty, kid

           The   lion don't sleep tonight
           And   if you pull his tail he roars
           You   say that ain't fair
           You   say that ain't nice
           You   know what l say,
           "Up   yours!"

           Watch me now!

           I'm just a mean, green mother from outer space
           And I'm bad

           I'm just a mean, green mother
           A real disgrace

           And you got me fighting mad

           I'm just a mean, green mother
           From outer space

           I'm gonna trash your ass
           Gonna rock this place

           I'm mean and green
           And I am bad!

           I don't come from no black lagoon
           I'm from past the stars, beyond the moon

           You can keep the 'Thing'
           Keep the 'It'

           Keep the creature
           They don't mean shit

Seymour:   All right, that does it!
Audrey II:   l got killer buds
             A power stem

             Nasty thorns and I'm using them
             Better move it out

             Nature calls, you got the point
             l'll bust your balls

             I'm mean and green''

             Bye-bye, Seymour!

             Oh, shit!

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