JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
PROLOGUE (Front of Cloth)
Front of cloth – A country lane at the edge of the village – Fairy walks on in darkness and stands
behind a lectern.
Fairy Hello boys and girls.
Fairy I said… HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS!
Fairy That‟s better. Now I‟m the good fairy and this is the story of a boy named Jack and
his adventures. Jack lives with his mother in a rickety old house. And they are very
Fairy I said… THEY ARE VERY POOR!!!
Fairy milks all this for all it’s worth!
Fairy In fact they are so poor that they can hardly afford anything to eat and Jack is
always cold because there is no wood for the fire either. So whenever you see
Jack I want you to shout out “Poor Jack” – come on then, on the count of
three – one, two, three…
Audience Poor Jack…
Fairy Come on – you can do better than that - on the count of
three – one, two, three…
Audience Poor Jack!
Fairy That was rubbish! I tell you what let me come and get one of you lot to pretend
to be Jack…
Fairy goes down into audience and grabs a “volunteer”.
Fairy Yes! You‟ll do. Now boys and girls, when this charming (boy/girl) waves to
you all I want you to shout out “Poor Jack”. Got it? Good.
(addressing volunteer) Now then when I say “GO” you walk over there and wave
to the nice boys and girls, OK? Good. Now, GO!!!
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“Volunteer” walks across stage and waves.
Audience Poor Jack!
Fairy Oh dear, dear, dear, deary, deary, dear! That wasn‟t exactly oscar material was it?
Let‟s try again shall we dear. Over here… Now GO!!!
“Volunteer” walks across stage and waves again.
Audience Poor Jack!
Fairy Super, smashing, great! Now we‟ve really got things started haven‟t we.
(to “vounteer”) Right you can go now dear… Ohhh I think I can hear the
villagers coming now. Better go back to my little nook.
Cheerio boys and girls. Cheerio…
Fairy goes back and stands behind lectern.
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ACT 1 SCENE 1 – THE VILLAGE (Full Stage)
Village scene with entrance to Jack’s house at edge. Characters begin on stage.
SONG 1 - Jack (Belle)
Jack Oh, hello Ma. What‟s for lunch?
Ma There‟s nothing for lunch. Nor dinner either. We‟re broke, Jack.
(she sobs hysterically and milks audience reaction) Broke…
Jack But Ma, I‟m starving. And cold too. What can we do?
Ma I don‟t know, Jack. It‟s all too much for me. (she sobs again)
Jack Wait a minute, Ma. Where are Penny, Sheila and Kylie? You have been looking
after them whilst I‟ve been gone, haven‟t you?
Ma Of course I have. Although a fat lot of good it‟s doing me.
Jack Oh, Ma. Don‟t take on so. Now where are they?
Ma Over there, dear…
Jack (calling) Penny! Sheila! Kylie! Come on you three.
Penny, Shiela and Kylie bounce on energetically, knocking over Ma and surrounding Jack.
Ma (getting up) Well I never. Those kangaroos will be the death of me.
As Ma talks the kangaroos sign with their hands to indicate that Ma is always going on…
You said when we sold the old cow and bought them that it would bring us a fortune.
The future of farming you called it. And look where it‟s gotten us. Destitute starving
and cold. They don‟t even give us milk like Daisy used to.
Jack Yes, but I didn‟t know that the market for kangaroo burgers was going to crash did I?
The kangaroos look nervous– Ma walks up to them slowly and they cower back.
Ma Mmmm, lovely juicy kangaroo burgers, with buns and ketchup. I‟d not noticed how
plump and juicy and delicious they were getting. Come on Jack let have them for
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Jack No Ma. We couldn‟t. There more like friends now. I know I suggested that we farm
kangaroos for burgers, but I‟ve grown too attached to them now. There, there girls.
Ma Nonsense! Just hold this one down whilst I chop her leg off!
Jack and Kylie struggle as Ma attempts to grab her.
Oh it‟s no good. She won‟t keep still. I know. I‟ll go and get a nice bit of rope to tie
her down first.
Jack You‟ll do no such thing, Ma.
Ma Oh yes I will.
Jack Oh no you won‟t.
Ma Oh yes I will.
Jack Oh no you won‟t.
Ma Oh stop all this nonsense. I‟m going to get some rope and I‟ll tell you why…
SONG 2 - Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport
Jack We are not killing the “girls” and that‟s final!
Ma (sighing) Alright Jack, dear. You‟re right of course. I couldn‟t kill them really.
Jack I know, Ma.
Ma But we have to do something or we‟ll starve. The kangaroos too. We really have
reached the bitter end.
As Ma and Jack banter the kangaroos lean in closer and closer.
Jack Couldn‟t we sell something? The old clock in the dining room.
Ma Sold it already.
Jack The antique wardrobe?
Ma Sold it.
Jack The tudor dining table?
Ma Sold it.
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Jack Well their must be some old relic left that we haven‟t sold.
The kangaroos indicate Ma.
Ma Cheek! I‟m no relic. I‟ll have you know that many men come knocking at my door.
There is a knock.
Ma Hark! There‟s one now. Go let them in Jack.
Jack OK Ma.
Ma Well, if I‟m about to receive visitors, I‟d better look my best. I‟ll just go and powder
Ma exits. The kangaroos check to see that the coast is clear…
Sheila Thank goodness they‟ve gone.
Kylie Yep. Reckon they‟ll be back in a mo‟ though.
Penny Things got a bit sticky there for a minute girls. I thought we were for the chop.
Sheila Yeah, me too.
Kylie Reckon your right, Penny. (to the audience) You see boys and girls, those stupid
humans don‟t know that we kangaroos can talk.
Penny Too right, Kylie. (to the audience) In fact we don‟t want them to know either.
Sheila Yeah, or they‟d just end up putting us in a cirus or something awful like that.
Kylie So, boys and girls. If you hear anyone coming you‟ll be sure to tell us won‟t you…
Ma wanders on powdering her nose with an enormous powder puff.
Audience Behind you. Over there. Etc.
Kangas Where? Where?
Ma wanders back off.
Sheila There‟s no one there, you drongos!
Penny So as I was saying, if you see…
Ma wanders back on doing her lips with an enormous lipstick.
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Audience Behind you. Over there. Etc.
Kangas Where? Where?
Ma wanders back off.
Kylie Look, theres no one there, you gallahs!
Penny As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, if you see…
Ma wanders back on.
Audience Behind you. Over there. Etc.
Sheila Crikey. It‟s Ma.
Penny Rightey ho, girls. Mum‟s the word.
They hush each other.
Ma There, that‟s better.
Jack re-enters with Ernest, George and Jill Smallpiece. Jack is holding hands with Jill.
Ma Oh, Ernest! It‟s you!
Ernest Yes, Thora, my dear. It is I.
They kiss cheek to cheek in an affected manner. The kangas ape them.
Ma And your lovely son and daughter. Jill, I see that you and Jack are still getting
Jack and Jill spring apart embarassedly.
Jill Oh-h-h-h yes-s-s-s. Hello, Mrs Kipper.
Ernest I‟ve brought you some sausages for your tea, my dear.
Ma Ernest, you shouldn‟t have. (They embrace again) You‟re no better off than we are.
Ernest Times are hard, Thora dear. But I had a bit of luck and managed to sell a watch
so I thought we‟d celebrate. The bangers are on me!
The kangas come over and start to sniff at the sausages…
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Ma What‟s wrong, Ernest, dear?
Ernest Aaaaah-choooo! I‟m….. allergic…. To… kangaroos! Aaaah-choooo!
Ma Oh my giddy aunts. Shooo, you lot! Shooo!!!
The kangas retreat.
Ernest Aaaah-choooo! Aaaah-chooo! It‟s…no… good…. Aaaah-chooo!!!
I can‟t stay with them here! Aaaah-chooo!
Ma But they‟re just going. (to Jack) Take those wretched beasts out of here, Jack!
Ernest No! No! Aaaaah-choooo! Their… hairs… will… be… everywhere. Aaaah-choooo!
Ernest exits sneezing taking his sausages with him.
Ma He‟s gone! Waaahhhh!!!! (she wails) And he‟s taken his bangers with him.
Waaahhhh!!!! (to kangas) It‟s all your fault you mangey brutes! That‟s it.
I‟ve had enough. (to Jack) They‟ve got to go! Tomorrow, you‟ll take these good for
nothing, overgrown bunny rabbits to the market and you‟ll sell them. And that‟s final!
(she turns and runs off after Ernest) Come back, Ernest, dearest! Come back….
Jack and the kangas look at each other miserably…
Jill Don‟t look so sad, Jack. I‟m sure your mother didn‟t mean it.
Jack Yes she did. I‟ve seen that look on her face before.
George Really! I couldn‟t tell the difference. I thought she was always that ugly!
Jill George! Don‟t be rude about Mrs Kipper.
Jack I don‟t mind. I know George is only joking.
George No I wasn‟t!
Jill Hush George!
Jack Don‟t squabble you two. I‟m worried enough as it is.
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Jill But maybe your mother will change her mind. After all the girls are like part of
Jack Maybe you‟re right, Jill.
They hold hands again.
Jill I‟m sure I am, Jack.
Ma It‟s no good. Your father‟s gone home.
George I hope he‟s cooking those sausages for my tea!
Jill George! Don‟t be so greedy.
George But I‟m starving!
Jack Me too!
Ma Yes! I‟m glad you reminded me of that, Jack. I want you to take these fleabags to the
market and sell them!
Jack No Ma!
Jill You can‟t sell the girls, Mrs Kipper.
Ma Oh yes we can and oh yes we will! I will discuss it no more. Now off you go!
Jack But Ma…
Ma No buts. GO!!!
SONG 3 – Hit the Road Jack
Jack sullenly gets the kangas and exits with Jill and George in tow.
Ma And good riddance too!
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ACT 1 SCENE 2 –TO MARKET (Front of Cloth)
Fairy Well Jack‟s in quite a fix today,
His kangaroos must go away.
He‟s off to market to make a sale,
No wonder that he‟s looking pale.
But on the way to sell the three,
Many strange folk, Jack will see.
Some will try to do him down,
And some will try to turn him round.
But Jack knows he must get some cash,
And though he can be rather rash.
He needs to put food on the table,
I wonder if he‟s really able.
So onward with this merry whirl,
To meet up with a lusty girl.
Who by Jack Kipper has been spurned,
And now her wrath he has earned.
Her friend‟s a bruitish, nasty lass,
Who Jack too soon, will have to pass.
And from that bully he will get,
A nasty shock, I will bet!
Let us meet with this odd pair,
And listen to the plot they share.
They‟re hatching trouble for poor Jack,
He‟d really better watch his back!
Aggie Rowe and Wanda Lust enter.
Aggie So, let‟s get this right, Wanda. You went up to that Jack Kipper and offered him
the benefits of your charms? Is that right?
Wanda Yes, Aggie. I asked him if he fancied a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, and do you now
what he said?
Wanda That‟s right!
Aggie Eh, what do you mean that‟s right? Tell me what he said.
Wanda He said, NO!
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Aggie Right, that‟s it. He‟s had it! When I see him I‟ll knock his block off! After all, no one
turns down your favours, do they Wanda.
Wanda No they don‟t! Men have always found me attractive.
Aggie Yes. There was Bill.
Wanda Oh Bill. He was sweet.
Aggie And don‟t forget Terry.
Wanda Yes, dear Terry.
Aggie And Fred…. And Sid.. Eric, Pete, John, Chris, George….
Wanda Yes, yes! That‟s quite enough thank you. After all I cannot help it if I am desirable
can I? At least I don‟t go round beating up boys, like you.
Aggie Well maybe I‟ll make an exception this time and beat a girl up. Namely you!
Wanda Oooh, help! I‟m off!
Aggie Come back here and have a knuckle sandwich!
Aggie chases Wanda off. Jack enters with kangas.
Jack Come on you three. I guess we‟d better get to market. We can‟t prolong this forever.
Nick Night enters.
Nick Hello Jack. How are you doing?
Jack Not so good, Nick. Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.
Nick I bet that made you HOPPING mad!
Jack Very funny, Nick.
Nick Well I must be on my way. So many chimneys to sweep, so little time. Cheerio Jack!
Jack Bye, Nick.
Nick exits. Bertie Bun enters.
Bertie Hi Jack. Get it? Hi-Jack! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jack Very drole, Bertie.
Bertie What‟s wrong, Jack? Lost your sense of humour?
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Jack Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.
Bertie Oh dear. Not exactly JUMPING for joy then? Still I‟m sure they‟ll BOUNCE back.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jack Yes. Most amusing.
Bertie Well I must be off. My buns are a baking! Ta! Ta!
Bertie exits. Beth Bookbinder enters.
Beth Jack! Read any good books today?
Jack Not today, Beth. I‟m feeling a bit low actually.
Beth Well you look the same height as always. Get it? Abit low… Look the same height…
Oh, suit yourself.
Jack Sorry. I‟m not in a good mood because Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.
Beth I‟m sure someone will LEAP at the chance of buying them.
Jack Mmmmm! Most amusing, I‟m sure.
Beth Oh well. I must cut along. Got a date with a librarian. Bye!
Beth exits. Wanda Lust enters.
Wanda Well if it isn‟t mister “I‟m too good for you” Jack Kipper.
Jack Oh hello Wanda. Are you still sore at me for turning you down?
Wanda Turning me down! No one turns me down! You just couldn‟t handle a woman like
Jack Whatever. Now can I please get by Wanda. I‟ve got to get to market because
Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.
Wanda Oh Jack! (Wanda adopts a consolling, coquettish manner) I am sorry. Are you very
Wanda guides Jack to one side of the stage and the kangas move to the other side.
Jack Well yes I am actually, Wanda. (Jack softens)
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Wanda (Wanda puts her arms round Jack and puts his head on her shoulder)
There, there, Jack, dear.
Jack (Jack tries to raise his head to say each line and Wanda forces it back onto her
shoulder each time) But Wanda, I must take the kangaroos…
Wanda I know Jack dear. But just rest here awhile with me first.
Jack But Wanda…
Wanda There, there…
Attention refocuses on the kangas…
Kylie Look at those two. Canoodling like fools whilst we stand here and starve.
Penny Too right! I haven‟t had a thing since breakfast.
Sheila Oh stop talking about food you two. We‟ve got more to worry about than that.
They‟re going to sell us!
Kylie So? Maybe the next lot who buy us will feed us properly.
Penny Yeah! Tons and tons of lovely grub!
Sheila Yeah, and they might just eat us instead! What if somebody buys us to turn us into
Kylie They‟d never!
Penny No, we‟re much too beautiful for that!
Sheila You mark my words. If the person who buys us is smacking their chops then you
know we‟re on the menu for dinner.
Penny But I‟m too young to die!
The smallpieces and Aggie Rowe enter but Aggie sees only Jack and does not notice Wanda.
Sheila Quick girls. Stumm! Here comes someone.
Aggie There you are, Jack Kipper! Your for it! Messing about with poor Wanda‟s
Wanda steps forward.
Wanda It‟s all right Aggie. Jack‟s been making it up to me. Haven‟t you Jack, darling?
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Jill What‟s that? Jack Kipper, explain yourself!
Jack Well… I… you see….
Ernest Yes, Jack. What are you doing dallying with that strumpet?
Jack No… but… she…. I….
Wanda Who are you calling a strumpet?
Ernest You, madam!
Ernest Come Jill… George. Let us go!
Jill Yes father! Jack, how could you?
George (mimicking) Yes, Jack, how could you?
The smallpieces turn and leave.
Aggie Come on Wanda. Leave this creep. Let‟s go and have a tussle with the farmers
down the pub.
Wanda Don‟t mind if I do.
Aggie (to Jack) I‟ll get you later, Kipper!
Wanda and Aggie exit. The fairy puts on her cloak to become the “old woman” as she says...
Fairy So Jack has had some awful luck,
He really is a lame old duck.
His girlfriend‟s gone and all can see,
That Jack needs help from little old me!
Jack First ma makes me go and sell the girls, then I‟m accosted by a woman of easy
virtue. Next I‟m threatened by a mad yobbo and finally I‟m dumped by my girlfriend
and ostracised by her family. What else can go wrong, now?
The “old woman” approaches.
Old Woman Hello dearie. You look sad. What seems to be the trouble.
Jack Oh, everything‟s gone wrong.
Old Woman I‟m sorry to hear that things aren‟t going well for you dear.
Jack And on top of that I‟ve got to get rid of my lovely kangaroo.
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Old Woman Well there I may be able to help you.
Jack How so?
Old Woman It just so happens I‟m in need of some kangaroos. Three to be exact.
Jack But I‟ve got three kangaroos.
Old Woman What a bit of luck. Would you sell them to me?
Jack But I was on my way to the market to sell them right now. I don‟t want to, but we
have no money for food or heating, so my ma is making me sell them.
Old Woman Well dear, they look like good specimens. I will pay handsomely for them.
Jack How much?
Old Woman How much do you think is fair?
Jack Well we paid three groats each for them and we‟ve fed them up to be big and
strong, so I think five groats each would be fair.
Old Woman Mmmmm, interesting. That would be 15 groats in total then.
Jack That‟s right. By the way what do you want them for?
Old Woman That‟s for me to know and you to guess. Anyway I will pay you with something worth
far more than 15 groats.
Jack Really! What?
Old Woman These… (she opens a small bag to show Jack)
Jack Those! But there just beans!
Old Woman Oh no, my dear. Not just any beans. These are magic beans.
Jack Magic beans! Do you think I was born yesterday? They‟re about as magic as you
The “old woman” throws off her cloak to reveal the she is the fairy…
Fairy How right you are. For I am the good fairy and these beans really are magic.
Jack Wow! A hag with a bag becomes a blonde with a wand!
Fairy Now take these beans home, Jack, and your luck will change. Leave the girls with
me. I‟ll take them home for tea!
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Jack Great. My luck is going to change and the kangaroos will get a lovely new home too.
(Jack takes the bag of beans and hands over the kangaroos) It‟s a deal!
Fairy Come on you three. It‟s back to my place.
Fairy and the kangaroos go to Fairy’s lectern.
Kylie Strewth! It‟s tight in here.
Jack I must take these beans back home to ma! I‟m sure she‟ll be pleased!
Jack exits. Fairy and the kangaroos exit.
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ACT 1 SCENE 3 – A HANDFUL OF BEANS (Full Stage)
Ma starts on stage with a few villagers in the background.
Ma Where can that good for nothing boy be? He should have been back hours ago.
I do hope he‟s got a good price for those kangaroos.
Ernest Smallpiece enters with Jill and George in tow.
Ernest Well I see that you‟ve gotten rid of those ghastly beasts.
Ma Yes Ernest. I‟m terribly sorry about all that fuss with your allergy. Still Jack‟s gone off
to market to sell the beasts. In fact I was expecting him back some time ago.
You haven‟t seen him on your travels, have you?
Ernest Indeed we have, Thora, my dear. The reason that he‟s been so long is that he‟s
been dallying with a girl of loose virtue!
Ma My Jack? Never!
Jill And he‟s broken my heart too! (she sobs)
George There, there, sis!
Ernest And if this is what we can come to expect from your son then perhaps we should
reconsider our relationship too, Thora.
Ma But, Ernest! How can you say such a thing? Aren‟t you still my flopsy wopsy?
Ernest Well…. Yes…..
Ma Aren‟t you still my great big huggy bear?
Ernest I… suppose… so….
Ma And am I still your chu chi face?
Song 4 – Chu Chi Face
Jack There you are Jill. I‟ve been trying to find you. I want to explain.
Jill I don‟t want to hear any of your explanations, you rotter!
Jack But Jill, it was all a misunderstanding. I don‟t want anything to do with that girl.
Jill I don‟t believe you!
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George Shall I punch him in the nose for you sis?
Ernest You‟ll do no such thing, George.
Jack Jill, you‟re the only one for me. Won‟t you believe me?
Jill Well….. No!
Jack Will no one believe me?
Wanda Lust and Rhoda Byke approach…
Rhoda We believe you Jack!
Jack What did you say?
Rhoda We said, we believe you, Jack! We know that you‟re innocent.
Jill Did you put them up to this, Jack?
Rhoda No it‟s true. We saw the whole thing. Jack is innocent. He was accosted by
that tramp, Wanda Lust.
Wanda Who are you calling a tramp?
Ernest Is this the young lady in question?
Jill Yes, daddy.
Ernest Well young lady. What do you have to say for yourself?
Wanda It‟s a fair cop, guv! Jack is in the clear. Still, you can‟t blame a girl for trying can you?
Ernest Right madam. You‟ve caused enough trouble so I think it‟s about time you went on
your way. George! Would you escort Miss Lust home please.
George Certainly, Pa!
Wanda Come on, George.
George Certainly, Wanda!
George and Wanda exit.
Rhoda Come on you lot! Let‟s follow them and see what they get up to!
All exit except Jack, Jill, Ernest and Ma.
Jill Oh, Jack. I‟m so sorry for doubting you. Can you ever forgive me?
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Jack Of course, Jill.
Ma Now that nonsense is all over jack, let‟s get on to the good news.
Did you sell the kangaroos.
Jack Yes, Ma.
Ma And did you get a good price?
Jack Yes, Ma.
Ma And have you brought the profits home with you?
Jack Yes, Ma!
Ma So where are they?
Jack Here (he hands over the bag of beans).
Ma What‟s this? A bag of beans. Is this some kind of joke?
Jack No, Ma. I met an old woman on my way to market. She wanted to buy the
kangaroos off me. She offered me these beans.
Ma But why did you take them? Are you mad, Jack?
Jack No, you see they‟re magic beans! The old woman turned out to be a good fairy
and she gave me these beans and told me that they would change our luck!
Ma You are mad. You‟ve let some old bag in a fairy costume trick us out of the last
thing we had left to sell and all we‟ve got to show for it is some stupid beans!
Here Ernest, take these and throw them away for me.
Ernest Certainly, Thora, my love.
Ernest takes the bag of “beans” which are actually sweets and distributes them to the audience
Jack But, Ma!
Ma Don‟t you speak to me, you foolish boy! You can just sleep out here under the stars
with your precious beans. And there‟s no supper either. Come, Ernest!
Let‟s leave this silly lad to muse over his foolishness.
Ernest Coming Thora, dearest.
Jill Don‟t worry, Jack. I‟m sure you did your best.
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Ernest Come, Jill. Leave Jack to ponder his error.
Jill Bye Jack.
Jack Bye Jill.
Ma, Ernest and Jill exit.
Jack Oh dear. No supper and I‟ve got to sleep out here in the cold. And those beans
are magic. The good fairy said so! Still it‟s too late now. Ma‟s had them thrown
out here. (she sighs) I am tired, though. I think I‟ll settle down for the night
and maybe everything will look better in the morning. Good night!
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ACT 1 SCENE 4 – UNEASY SLEEP (Front of Cloth)
Fairy enters and goes behind lectern.
Fairy Jack and Jill are friends once more,
It‟s time to find out what‟s in store.
Now Ma has heard about Jack‟s trade,
And thinks the deal was badly made.
She‟s hopping mad, and caused a scene,
So now she‟s gone and spilt the beans.
But magic beans will not rest easy,
And soon turn into something “treesy”.
During song, oompah loompahs bring on beanstalk down aisle.
Song 5 – Oompah Loompah Song
Rhoda Goodness gracious! What‟s this? It‟s a giant beanstalk. I must go find everyone
and tell them! (she runs off shouting) Everbody! Come! Look! A giant beanstalk!
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ACT 1 SCENE 5 – THE BEANSTALK (Full Stage)
Villagers start on stage. Rhoda runs on.
Rhoda Look! Look, everyone! A giant beanstalk!
Nancy Wow! Look!....
Stinjard Squeeze enters “down” beanstalk to pomp music accompanied
by the oompah loompahs chanting.
Sally Wait! Who‟s that coming down the beanstalk?
Peg I don‟t know. I‟ll go and ask them! (to Stinjard) Hello! My name‟s Peg.
And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
Stinjard Pleasure? PLEASURE!!! You‟ll find no pleasure from me, peasant! My name is
Stinjard Squeeze and I am the representative of the mighty giant who lives at the
top of this beanstalk!
Zack A giant?
Hattie Do you really expect us to believe there‟s a giant up that beanstalk? What rubbish!
Stinjard SILENCE! You should all bow down in fear at the thought of my master, the giant,
visiting his terrible anger upon you and your village!
Woody I‟m not listening to any more of this nonsense. Go on, clear off, you looney.
Stinjard Looney? LOONEY!!! Right! That‟s it! Now your for it. (He calls up the beanstalk)
Master! Master! These fools do not believe in you, sire! Please let them know of
your awesome power.
Giants disembodied voice is heard.
Giant Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of some Padbury scum. Be them alive or be them
dead, I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread!
Zack A giant!
Stinjard See, you unbelievers! Pray that my master does not descend upon you even now!
Velma We believe! Save us!
Jill, George and Ernest enter.
Ernest Come, come! What‟s all this fuss about?
George Look, dad! A beanstalk.
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Ernest My, my. Oh yes! How peculiar! (to Stinjard) And who might you and these funny
little people be?
Stinjard I am Stinjard Squeeze and these are the oompah loompah‟s. We are servants of the
great and terrible giant who lives at the top of the beanstalk.
George Giant! What a load of hogwash.
Giant Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of some doubting ones. Be them alive or be them
dead, I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread!
Jill (she screams) Aaaaahhhh! A giant! I… think… I‟m…. going…. To…. Faint….
Jill weaves around the stage. At the last moment Jack enters with Ma and he catches her.
Jack What is it Jill, my sweet?
Jill Oh! Oh! I heard a giant!
Ma A giant. What piffle! (to Stinjard) And who are you and all these funny folk?
Stinjard Oh not again! I am Stinjard Squeeze and these are the oompah loompah‟s.
We are servants of the great and terrible giant who lives at the top of the beanstalk!
Ma A giant! I should cocoa!
Giant Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of a wrinkly mum. Be her alive or be her
dead, I‟ll grind her bones to make my bread!
Ma Blooming cheek!
Jack See, Jill! A giant and a beanstalk! The fairy was right! They were magic beans.
Jill Yes Jack. You are clever!
Stinjard ENOUGH! I have been sent here by the giant to raise tribute from your village.
Sally What do you mean, tribute?
Peg I had to give a tribute to my teacher once. I said “My teacher is the best…”……
Stinjard SILENCE!!! I mean that you must give the giant all of your harvest and all of your
livestock to eat for his dinner. You see the giant has a giant appetite. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Raggah Muffin and Rogan Josh laugh hysterically until they realise everyone is staring at them
and they stutter to a halt…
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Rogan / Raggah We‟ll shut up now.
Stinjard That‟s better! Now, as I was saying, You have until tomorrow morning to hand over
the goods or the giant will come down the beanstalk and eat all of you, instead!
All Oooohhh! Aaahhh!
Velma But if you take all of our food then we‟ll starve!
Hattie We‟ll never last through the winter.
Zack Well I won‟t hand over my stuff to some rotten old giant.
Nancy But then he‟ll eat us all instead!
Woody Not if I chop him with my axe.
Rhoda Brave words, Woody. But I doubt a woodsman‟s axe is a match for a giant.
Stinjard Maybe you haven‟t understood what I‟ve been telling you, so let me make it
simple for you. What the giant is going to do is take all your food, and then…
he‟s going to eat it! ALL OF IT!!!
Rhoda Then there‟s only one thing for it!
Hattie What‟s that?
Rhoda We need to call for….HELP!
Song 6 – Help
--- END OF ACT ONE ---
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ACT 2 SCENE 1 – KIDNAP! (Full Stage)
Villagers start on stage.
Rhoda What can we do to stop that old bag, Stinjard Squeeze from bothering us then?
Aggie Well I could give her a good thumping!
Nick That‟s all well and good but it won‟t stop the giant will it? What can we do
Wanda Leave him to me. I have a way with big boys.
Rhoda Don‟t be daft, Wanda. The giant won‟t be interested in the likes of you!
We‟ve got to stop them from coming down the beanstalk.
Nick Hey! How about making the beanstalk slippery so they can‟t climb down?
We could rub oil on it.
Rhoda That‟s a great idea Nick. But oil would dry out. We need something permanent.
We need something slimy.
Aggie Not slimy, Rhoda. I think the word your looking for is a bit different.
Wanda So what word is she looking for?
Aggie I‟lll tell you what word, Wanda! GREASE IS THE WORD!
Song 7 – Grease Is The Word
Wanda The problem is we don‟t have any grease.
Rhoda That‟s torn it. I guess we‟ll have to give the giant our crops and livestock then?
Nick But I haven‟t got anything to give.
Peg Have you managed to bring anything for the giant, Sally?
Sally No, Peg. And you?
Sally Oh crumbs!
Bertie Yes crumbs! That‟s all I‟ve got too. Everybody has bought all my bread in a
mad panic so I‟ve nothing left to give the giant either.
Stinjard and the Oompah Loompahs descend the beanstalk unnoticed.
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George I guess we‟re all a gonner, then!
Jill Don‟t say that, George.
George Well, it‟s true, isn‟t it? That Stinjard woman said that if we didin‟t come up with all
our goods for the giant‟s dinner then he‟d eat us instead, didn‟t she?
Ernest Come, come, George. We‟ll have none of this defeatist talk. We‟ll just have to
stand up to that woman and the giant too.
George notices Stinjard’s arrival.
Jill Yes daddy. She did seem an awful bully. Perhaps she‟s bluffing?
George Well I think we‟re about to find out cos‟ she‟s here now! I‟m off to find Jack.
George runs off.
Stinjard That‟s right, peasants! And I‟m here to collect the goods. So….. Where are they?
Peg Errr…. Errr… We haven‟t got anything for you.
Sally No, nothing.
Stinjard Nothing at all?
Bertie Not a thing I‟m afraid. We‟ve got no spare food at all. Been a tight year all
Ernest So you‟d best be on your way and tell the giant that we‟ve nothing for him.
Stinjard FOOLS!!!! The giant cannot be fobbed off with some sob story about how hard
up you are? I can see that I can‟t trust you to give generously without a little
persuasion. Raggah Tip! Rogan Josh!
Rogan / Raggah We are here!
Stinjard You two help me accompany these fools back to their food stores so that we
can help them to find a little something for our master.
Rogan / Raggah We obey!
Stinjard The rest of you stay here and stand guard until I return.
O-Ls We obey!
Stinjard, Raggah, Rogan and villagers exit.
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Nattie Thank god she‟s gone!
Rokki Yeah! My feet are killing me.
Wizzy Do you think she‟ll manage to squeeze anything for the giant out of those villagers?
Gilly Maybe some stuff but not enough. Remember the last village we raided?
Wizzy That was a good one!
Nattie But the giant ate everyone!
Wizzy That was what was good about it!
Gilly Nothing like a bit of bone crunching and mayhem to keep us entertained is there?
Yippity So do you think this lot are in for it then?
Tressa I reckon so.
Amber Well I bagseye first pick of their jewellry and such.
Flissy No, it‟s my turn.
Oobah You know that Stinjard will grab her choice first. It‟s always the same.
Lizzie I jut hope that it‟s all over quickly. I missed breakfast so I‟m starving.
Yippity Me too!
Stinjard, Raggah, Rogan and the villagers re-enter.
Bertie You see. It was true. We have nothing for the giant.
Sally No nothing at all.
Stinjard I don‟t believe a word of it! You are obviously all lying! Perhaps you‟ll come to
your senses and deliver your goods if I take some hostages.
Stinjard points at Ernest and Jill and commands the O-Ls.
Stinjard Rogan! Ragah! Grab them!
Rogan / Raggah We obey!
Rogan and Ragah grab Ernest and Jill. Jill screams.
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Ernest Unhand us you swines!
Stinjard I think not! (to the other villagers) You lot had better come up with the goods or
these two will be giant food before nightfall! (to the O-Ls) Oompah Loompahs!
Take them to the giant!
O-Ls We obey!
Stinjard, the O-Ls and the Smallpieces exit up the beanstalk.
Bertie Now we‟re for it!
Sally But what shall we do?
Peg I don‟t know.
Jack, George and Ma enter.
Jack Bertie! Have you seen Jill?
Bertie She‟s gone!
Jack I know she‟s gone. That‟s why I‟m looking for her! Derrrrrrrr! So where is she?
Sally Stinjard has kidnapped her!
Peg Yes and her father too!
Ma Oh no! Not Ernest!
Bertie And they‟ve taken them to the top of the beanstalk.
Sally And if we don‟t find enough food the giant is going to eat them!
Ma Oh Jack. We must save them.
Jack Right Ma, you organise the rest of the villagers to gather as much food as you
can for the giant just in case. George and I are going after Jill and her father.
Ma You mean up the beanstalk.
Jack Yes Ma.
Ma Oh my giddy aunts. Good luck then Jack, my boy. And you too George.
(to the villagers) Right you lot, come with me.
Ma exits with the villagers.
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Jack Come on George, let‟s grab some climbing gear.
George Right Jack. I‟ve got some stuff at my house.
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ACT 2 SCENE 2 – THE ASCENT (Front of cloth)
Fairy enters in blackout and goes to lectern.
Fairy A giant and his loathsome crew,
Have taken Jill and Ernest too.
So now young Jack and George will try,
To rescue them from up on high.
Atop the beanstalk, where they‟ll find,
A fearsome giant ready to grind.
Their bones for bread with blood for wine.
This really is a trying time.
So let us see if George and Jack,
Can bring poor Jill and Ernest back.
George and Jack enter with climbing gear with Ma in tow.
Jack Come on George!
George Keep your hair on Jack. I‟m going as fast as I can, but this stuff is heavy.
Ma Stop bickering you two and start climbing. Ernest and Jill are depending on you.
Jack Yes, Ma. You first George.
George No after you Jack.
Jack But I insist, after you.
Ma Come on you two! (she pushes them forward) Go!
Jack and George begin to climb the beanstalk.
Ma Do be careful boys. Oh I do hope they‟re alright. And Jill and dear Ernest too.
What has the world come to when we‟re raided by rogues, growled at by giants
and our kin are kidnapped.
Song 8 – Oh When Young Jack (Oh When the Saints)
Ma exits at end of song and George and Jack make their way on to the stage as if climbing to top.
George Wow Jack! That was a long climb.
Jack Yes, George. Still here we are at the top at last. (Jack indicates off stage)
Hey look over there! That must be the giant‟s house.
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George Oh yeah! Let‟s go!
Jack Righty ho!
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ACT 2 SCENE 3 – THE GIANT’S CASTLE (Full Stage)
Mrs Big starts on stage sorting a basket of the giant’s washing. She holds up a giant sock,
hanging it on the beanstalk.
Mrs Big (to audience) Oh hello there. I‟m the giant‟s wife, Mrs Big. It‟s wash day today
and I‟m doing Mr. Giant‟s smalls. Quite a job as you can see. (she holds up the
giant underpants then hangs them up too) Still there are some rewards to being
a giant‟s wife!
Stinjard Squeeze enters.
Stinjard Ah, there you are, Mrs Big.
Mrs Big (with distaste) Oh, it‟s you Stinjard. Come to tell me more of your horrible tales?
Stinjard Maybe later but for now I‟ve more important matters to tell you. There has been
a possible sighting of some intruders. I want you to keep your eyes peeled and
let me know the moment you see anything unusual.
Mrs Big What nonsense.
Stinjard Maybe so, but I‟m going on patrol just in case.
Mrs Big (to audience) Oooh, I can‟t stand that rotten, nasty henchwoman, Stinjard Squeeze.
She works for my husband but I can‟t bear her. She‟s so nasty! Now, my
husbands off at a symposium for the vertically challenged and I‟ve got a lot
to do while he‟s gone. I can‟t afford the time to be disturbed by the likes of her. So if
you see anyone coming will you shout out and let me know. Will you? Thanks!
Mrs Big carries on with her sorting and Jack and George enter behind her, cross the stage and
Audience Behind you!
Mrs Big Where? Where? There‟s no one there. What are you talking about…
Stinjard appears and walks across behind Mrs Big and off.
Audience Behind you!
Mrs Big Where? Where? There‟s still no one there. I don‟t know what‟s gotten into you lot…
Jack and George re-enter.
Audience Behind you!
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Mrs Big Where? Where? (she spots them) Oh hello. Who are you, two?
George Errrr, hello. I‟m George.
Jack And I‟m Jack.
George Have you seen my father and sister. They were brought here by a rotter
called Stinjard Squeeze.
Jack And we‟ve come here to get them back even if we have to fight an army to do it!
Mrs Big Now, now! There‟s no need to get worked up. I agree with you about
Stinjard Squeeze, she is a rotter. Now you seem like nice lads.
Why would Stinjard want to snatch your family?
George Because we didn‟t give up all our crops and livestock for the giant.
Jack Did you know there was a giant up here?
Mrs Big Of course I know! I‟m married to him!
George Married to him? But how come he married a normal human like you? I thought
giants ate humans!
Mrs Big Well normally they do. And when we first met I thought he would eat me.
You see I lived in a village that ws plagued by the giant so the village elders
decided to leave a sacrifice to appease him.
Jack So what sacrifice did they leave?
Mrs Big They left me! They tied me up and left me for the giant to eat. But luckily for me
when the giant came and got me he had a terrible toothache so he couldn‟t eat
me. That gave me an idea. I persuaded the giant to let me help fix his toothache.
He was so pleased that he spared my life and let me live in his house. Over time
we fell in love and here we are, man and wife.
Stinjard (from off stage) Come out, come out, wherever you are. Stinjard wants a word
Mrs Big Oh crikey! It‟s Stinjard. Quick get in here (she indicateds the washing basket) and
I‟ll see if I can trick Stinjard into telling me where your family are.
George and Jack get in the basket and pull washing over them. Stinjard enters.
Mrs Big Oh, hello again, Stinjard. Have you has any luck with finding those intruders?
Stinjard No, why? Have you seen anything?
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Mrs Big Oh no, no, no. It‟s just that I‟m interested, that‟s all. I wonder why intruders
would come up here. You think my husband would scare them off.
Stinjard I think it‟s some of those wretched villagers come in search of their loved ones.
Mrs Big Loved ones? What loved ones?
Stinjard I‟ve taken two of them hostage until they come up with dinner for your husband.
Mrs Big Really? How interesting. I don‟t get to see other people very often. I‟d love to
Stinjard Maybe later. For now I must remain vigilant in case these intruders show up.
There is a strange noise from off stage.
Stinjard What was that? It must be the intruders! I‟ll get them, just you see!
Mrs Big (lifting the washing) You can come out now. She‟s gone.
Jack and George get out of the basket.
Jack Thank goodness.
George Did you find out where she‟s keeping my family?
Mrs Big No, not yet.
The strange noise from off stage is heard again.
Jack What was that?
George Sounds like a giant chicken. I‟m going to look.
Mrs Big Oh that‟s just Clara.
Jack Clara? Who or what is Clara?
Mrs Big Oh she‟s just a pet.
Jack What sort of pet?
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Mrs Big Well you see it‟s a long story. After I‟d been married to the giant for a while I
got lonely. He was away such a lot raiding villages and such that I thought I‟d like
a pet to keep me company. You know a little cat or dog or some such. Well as
luck would have it my husband came across the perfect pet. Oh look here
she comes now and she seems to have taken to George…
George enters “riding” an ostrich.
Jack Crikey! It‟s an ostrich! And you‟re riding her George!
George Yes and that‟s not all! Look who was with her!
Kylie, Penny and Sheila enter.
Jack Penny! Sheila! Kylie! Oh I‟ve missed you! What are you doing here?
Mrs Big Oh, Stinjard captured them in his last raid. My husband was going to eat them but
I persuaded him to let me keep them as pets too.
Jack What great luck. These used to be my kangaroos you see.
Mrs Big What a coincidence.
Stinjard (from off stage) Come on you filthy wretches. Mrs Big wants to meet you.
George Stinjard‟s coming back. Quick over here.
All except Mrs Big “hide” upstage of entrance. Stinjard enters pushing Ernest and Jill ahead.
Stinjard Here you are Mrs Big. These are the wretches that I‟ve taken hostage.
Jack Grab her!
The kangaroos and George grab Stinjard.
Stinjard Unhand me! Or you‟ll answer to the giant!
Jill Oh Jack. You‟re my hero!
Ernest George! You‟ve come to rescue us. Well done my son.
Jack It‟s wonderful to have my friends, my kangaroos and my girl back again.
George That‟s right, Jack, you‟ve got a friend in them and you‟ve got a friend in me.
Song 9 – You’ve Got a Friend in Me
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Mrs Big Now you‟d better all go before my husband gets back. He‟s due any time now.
Ernest Good idea. Let‟s get back to the village.
Giant (from offstage) Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I want some dinner in my giant‟s tum! I hear
my wife to whom I‟m wed, busy in the kitchen baking my bread! Yum! Yum!
Mrs Big Quick! It‟s my husband! Go that way! I‟ll keep Stinjard here!
Jack Let‟s go!
All exit except Mrs Big and Stinjard.
Stinjard The giant will be furious when he finds out they‟ve gone!
Mrs Big Yes but I‟ll tell him that it was you who let them escape. It‟ll be you he‟s furious
with. Maybe he‟ll end up eating you?
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ACT 2 SCENE 4 –THE DESCENT (Front of cloth)
Fairy Our gallant lads have grabbed their kin,
And now the chase will soon begin.
Down the beanstalk they must flee,
With bird and beast for company.
But even now the giant‟s crew,
Is gathering to them pursue.
And now the giant will appear,
To spread confusion, dread and fear.
Stay in your seat, don‟t dare to stray,
In case you‟re in the giant‟s way.
It‟s time to see our friend and foe,
Enter battle, so here we go…
Jack, George, Ernest, Jill and kangaroos enter.
Jill Phew! That was a long climb down!
Jack Here Jill, let me hold your poor trembling hand.
Mrs Big begins to descend the beanstalk.
Ernest No time for all that soppiness, Jack. We must chop down the beanstalk.
Quick, George, fetch an axe.
George Yes dad.
Mrs Big No wait!
Jack Look! It‟s Mrs Big. What are you doing down here?
Mrs Big I‟ve come to warn you that Stinjard Squeeze is coming with the
Oompahs-Loompahs to lay waste to your village. And what‟s more my husband,
the giant, is coming with them!
Jill Oh Jack! I‟m frightened!
George If we get the whole village together then maybe we can fight them.
Jack Good idea George. Come on let‟s go and get them!
All exit except kangaroos and fairy.
Kylie Hey you!
Fairy Who me?
Kylie Yeah, you.
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Kylie You‟re a fairy, right?
Fairy Yes, that‟s right.
Kylie So you‟ve got magic powers, right?
Fairy Yes, dear.
Kylie So how come you don‟t just wave your wand and make the beanstalk, the giant
and all his helpers disappear, then?
Fairy But that would be no fun for our lovely audience, would it?
Penny I guess not…
Sheila She‟s right Kylie.
Kylie Fair enough. Come on girls, let‟s find some grub.
Sheila Too right.
Penny Lead me to it!
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ACT 2 SCENE 5 – ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL (Full Stage)
Stinjard and the O-Ls start on stage.
Stinjard Where are those cowardly villagers? No matter. When my master gets here then
this village and everyone in it will be no more! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Rhoda That‟s what you think, Squeeze!
Woody Come on! Let‟s fight them!
Stinjard Ooompah Loompahs! Grab them!
A battle ensues.
Stinjard Enough of this nonsense! Master! It is time for you to appear and finish these
wretches once and for all.
Giant Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the blood of some Englishmen! Be them alive or be
them dead. I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread.
The giant appears and climbs down the beanstalk terrorising the audience as he comes.
Villagers The giant!
Stinjard Now you are finished! The giant will eat you all! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Villagers Someone save us!
Giant There is no one to save you from me! I am the giant and I will eat you all!
But first I‟m going to eat some of this audience! (the giant picks out some victims)
You look juicy! Perhaps I‟ll eat you first? (to another) Or maybe you?
Jack, Jill, George, Ernest, Ma and the kangaroos enter.
Ma Wait giant. We have something that even you cannot defeat.
Ernest Yes! It is the ultimate thing that no man, or giant, can resist!
Giant But what is it?
Ernest Your wife!
Mrs Big enters.
Mrs Big That‟s right, Mr Big. Your wife! Now just what do you think you are doing?
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Giant Errr….. Well….. You see……
Mrs Big Just as I thought! Terrorising some more poor innocent villagers. Now I thought
we‟d discussed this and you weren;t going to do this any more!
Giant Yes dear. But Stinjard said it would be OK.
Mrs Big And do you always do what your silly friends say?
Giant No dear.
Mrs Big So no more laying waste to villages then?
Giant No dear.
Mrs Big Now apologise to the nice people
Giant Do I have to?
Mrs Big Yes!
Giant Alright dear. (to villagers) Sorry.
Mrs Big (to Jack) You see, he only does all this because he wants to fit in. He feels very
excluded being a giant and having to live up in a big old castle. If only we could
live down here among you.
Giant That‟s right. I only ever wanted to fit in.
Jill Oh the poor thing! Jack, isn‟t there some way we could make room for the giant
to live here?
Jack Well we have plenty of room on our farm but what would the giant do for a living?
George I know. No one else has a giant or a beanstalk or even the Oompah Loompahs.
People would come from miles around just to see them.
Ernest That‟s true George, but how would that help.
George Because we could turn Jack‟s farm into a giant‟s theme park!
Jack That‟s a great idea! We could turn the beanstalk into a roller coaster!
George And call it the Giant‟s big dipper!
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Rokki Could we have the Oompah Loompah bumper cars?
Nattie And turn the giant‟s castle into a haunted house?
Ma And we must have a ghost train. I love ghost trains!
Ernest We should have a tunnel of love too, Ma.
Ma Oh Ernest! You‟re so romantic.
George It would be fantastic!
Stinjard But what about me. I only know the ways of an evil henchwoman.
Ma No problem Stinjard. We could dress you up as a clown!
That should make „em laugh!
Song 10 – Make ‘Em Laugh - FINALE
Bows and exeunt.
--- END OF ACT TWO ---
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