CHARACTERS by liaoqinmei


									                          JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

                              PROLOGUE (Front of Cloth)

 Front of cloth – A country lane at the edge of the village – Fairy walks on in darkness and stands
                                                                                    behind a lectern.

Fairy        Hello boys and girls.

Audience     Hello….

Fairy        I said… HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS!

Audience     Hello!

Fairy        That‟s better. Now I‟m the good fairy and this is the story of a boy named Jack and
             his adventures. Jack lives with his mother in a rickety old house. And they are very

Audience     Aaaah….

Fairy        I said… THEY ARE VERY POOR!!!

Audience     Aaaah….
                                                                 Fairy milks all this for all it’s worth!

Fairy        In fact they are so poor that they can hardly afford anything to eat and Jack is
             always cold because there is no wood for the fire either. So whenever you see
             Jack I want you to shout out “Poor Jack” – come on then, on the count of
             three – one, two, three…

Audience     Poor Jack…

Fairy        Come on – you can do better than that - on the count of
             three – one, two, three…

Audience     Poor Jack!

Fairy        That was rubbish! I tell you what let me come and get one of you lot to pretend
             to be Jack…

                                           Fairy goes down into audience and grabs a “volunteer”.

Fairy        Yes! You‟ll do. Now boys and girls, when this charming (boy/girl) waves to
             you all I want you to shout out “Poor Jack”. Got it? Good.
             (addressing volunteer) Now then when I say “GO” you walk over there and wave
             to the nice boys and girls, OK? Good. Now, GO!!!

                                                                                            Page 1 of 40
                                                     “Volunteer” walks across stage and waves.

Audience   Poor Jack!

Fairy      Oh dear, dear, dear, deary, deary, dear! That wasn‟t exactly oscar material was it?
           Let‟s try again shall we dear. Over here… Now GO!!!

                                              “Volunteer” walks across stage and waves again.

Audience   Poor Jack!

Fairy      Super, smashing, great! Now we‟ve really got things started haven‟t we.
           (to “vounteer”) Right you can go now dear… Ohhh I think I can hear the
           villagers coming now. Better go back to my little nook.
           Cheerio boys and girls. Cheerio…

                                                     Fairy goes back and stands behind lectern.

                                                                                     Page 2 of 40
                   ACT 1 SCENE 1 – THE VILLAGE (Full Stage)
                  Village scene with entrance to Jack’s house at edge. Characters begin on stage.

SONG 1 - Jack (Belle)

                                                                                         Ma enters.

Jack          Oh, hello Ma. What‟s for lunch?

Ma            There‟s nothing for lunch. Nor dinner either. We‟re broke, Jack.
              (she sobs hysterically and milks audience reaction) Broke…

Audience      Aaaah!

Jack          But Ma, I‟m starving. And cold too. What can we do?

Ma            I don‟t know, Jack. It‟s all too much for me. (she sobs again)

Jack          Wait a minute, Ma. Where are Penny, Sheila and Kylie? You have been looking
              after them whilst I‟ve been gone, haven‟t you?

Ma            Of course I have. Although a fat lot of good it‟s doing me.

Jack          Oh, Ma. Don‟t take on so. Now where are they?

Ma            Over there, dear…

Jack          (calling) Penny! Sheila! Kylie! Come on you three.

       Penny, Shiela and Kylie bounce on energetically, knocking over Ma and surrounding Jack.

Ma            (getting up) Well I never. Those kangaroos will be the death of me.

           As Ma talks the kangaroos sign with their hands to indicate that Ma is always going on…

              You said when we sold the old cow and bought them that it would bring us a fortune.
              The future of farming you called it. And look where it‟s gotten us. Destitute starving
              and cold. They don‟t even give us milk like Daisy used to.

Jack          Yes, but I didn‟t know that the market for kangaroo burgers was going to crash did I?

                   The kangaroos look nervous– Ma walks up to them slowly and they cower back.

Ma            Mmmm, lovely juicy kangaroo burgers, with buns and ketchup. I‟d not noticed how
              plump and juicy and delicious they were getting. Come on Jack let have them for

                                                                                         Page 3 of 40
Jack       No Ma. We couldn‟t. There more like friends now. I know I suggested that we farm
           kangaroos for burgers, but I‟ve grown too attached to them now. There, there girls.

Ma         Nonsense! Just hold this one down whilst I chop her leg off!

                                               Jack and Kylie struggle as Ma attempts to grab her.

           Oh it‟s no good. She won‟t keep still. I know. I‟ll go and get a nice bit of rope to tie
           her down first.

Jack       You‟ll do no such thing, Ma.

Ma         Oh yes I will.

Jack       Oh no you won‟t.

Ma         Oh yes I will.

Jack       Oh no you won‟t.

Ma         Oh stop all this nonsense. I‟m going to get some rope and I‟ll tell you why…

SONG 2 - Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport

Jack       We are not killing the “girls” and that‟s final!

Ma         (sighing) Alright Jack, dear. You‟re right of course. I couldn‟t kill them really.

Jack       I know, Ma.

Ma         But we have to do something or we‟ll starve. The kangaroos too. We really have
           reached the bitter end.

                                  As Ma and Jack banter the kangaroos lean in closer and closer.

Jack       Couldn‟t we sell something? The old clock in the dining room.

Ma         Sold it already.

Jack       The antique wardrobe?

Ma         Sold it.

Jack       The tudor dining table?

Ma         Sold it.

                                                                                           Page 4 of 40
Jack       Well their must be some old relic left that we haven‟t sold.

                                                                        The kangaroos indicate Ma.

Ma         Cheek! I‟m no relic. I‟ll have you know that many men come knocking at my door.

                                                                                    There is a knock.

Ma         Hark! There‟s one now. Go let them in Jack.

Jack       OK Ma.
                                                                                           Jack exits.

Ma         Well, if I‟m about to receive visitors, I‟d better look my best. I‟ll just go and powder
           my nose.

                                   Ma exits. The kangaroos check to see that the coast is clear…

Sheila     Thank goodness they‟ve gone.

Kylie      Yep. Reckon they‟ll be back in a mo‟ though.

Penny      Things got a bit sticky there for a minute girls. I thought we were for the chop.

Sheila     Yeah, me too.

Kylie      Reckon your right, Penny. (to the audience) You see boys and girls, those stupid
           humans don‟t know that we kangaroos can talk.

Penny      Too right, Kylie. (to the audience) In fact we don‟t want them to know either.

Sheila     Yeah, or they‟d just end up putting us in a cirus or something awful like that.

Kylie      So, boys and girls. If you hear anyone coming you‟ll be sure to tell us won‟t you…

                             Ma wanders on powdering her nose with an enormous powder puff.

Audience   Behind you. Over there. Etc.

Kangas     Where? Where?

                                                                               Ma wanders back off.

Sheila     There‟s no one there, you drongos!

Penny      So as I was saying, if you see…

                                    Ma wanders back on doing her lips with an enormous lipstick.

                                                                                           Page 5 of 40
Audience    Behind you. Over there. Etc.

Kangas      Where? Where?

                                                                              Ma wanders back off.

Kylie       Look, theres no one there, you gallahs!

Penny       As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, if you see…

                                                                              Ma wanders back on.

Audience    Behind you. Over there. Etc.

Sheila      Crikey. It‟s Ma.

Penny       Rightey ho, girls. Mum‟s the word.
                                                                             They hush each other.

Ma          There, that‟s better.

           Jack re-enters with Ernest, George and Jill Smallpiece. Jack is holding hands with Jill.

Ma          Oh, Ernest! It‟s you!

Ernest      Yes, Thora, my dear. It is I.

                          They kiss cheek to cheek in an affected manner. The kangas ape them.

Ma          And your lovely son and daughter. Jill, I see that you and Jack are still getting
            along nicely.

                                                          Jack and Jill spring apart embarassedly.

Jill        Oh-h-h-h yes-s-s-s. Hello, Mrs Kipper.

Ernest      I‟ve brought you some sausages for your tea, my dear.

Ma          Ernest, you shouldn‟t have. (They embrace again) You‟re no better off than we are.

Ernest      Times are hard, Thora dear. But I had a bit of luck and managed to sell a watch
            so I thought we‟d celebrate. The bangers are on me!

All         Hooray!

                                       The kangas come over and start to sniff at the sausages…

                                                                                         Page 6 of 40
Ernest   Aaaaah-choooo!

Ma       What‟s wrong, Ernest, dear?

Ernest   Aaaaah-choooo! I‟m….. allergic…. To… kangaroos! Aaaah-choooo!

Ma       Oh my giddy aunts. Shooo, you lot! Shooo!!!

                                                                              The kangas retreat.

Ernest   Aaaah-choooo! Aaaah-chooo! It‟s…no… good…. Aaaah-chooo!!!
         I can‟t stay with them here! Aaaah-chooo!

Ma       But they‟re just going. (to Jack) Take those wretched beasts out of here, Jack!

Ernest   No! No! Aaaaah-choooo! Their… hairs… will… be… everywhere. Aaaah-choooo!
         I‟m off!

                                            Ernest exits sneezing taking his sausages with him.

Ma       He‟s gone! Waaahhhh!!!! (she wails) And he‟s taken his bangers with him.
         Waaahhhh!!!! (to kangas) It‟s all your fault you mangey brutes! That‟s it.
         I‟ve had enough. (to Jack) They‟ve got to go! Tomorrow, you‟ll take these good for
         nothing, overgrown bunny rabbits to the market and you‟ll sell them. And that‟s final!
         (she turns and runs off after Ernest) Come back, Ernest, dearest! Come back….

                                           Jack and the kangas look at each other miserably…

Jill     Don‟t look so sad, Jack. I‟m sure your mother didn‟t mean it.

Jack     Yes she did. I‟ve seen that look on her face before.

George   Really! I couldn‟t tell the difference. I thought she was always that ugly!

Jill     George! Don‟t be rude about Mrs Kipper.

Jack     I don‟t mind. I know George is only joking.

George   No I wasn‟t!

Jill     Hush George!

George   Shan‟t!

Jack     Don‟t squabble you two. I‟m worried enough as it is.

                                                                                       Page 7 of 40
Jill       But maybe your mother will change her mind. After all the girls are like part of
           the family.

Jack       Maybe you‟re right, Jill.
                                                                           They hold hands again.

Jill       I‟m sure I am, Jack.
                                                                                       Ma returns.

Ma         It‟s no good. Your father‟s gone home.

George     I hope he‟s cooking those sausages for my tea!

Jill       George! Don‟t be so greedy.

George     But I‟m starving!

Jack       Me too!

Ma         Yes! I‟m glad you reminded me of that, Jack. I want you to take these fleabags to the
           market and sell them!

Jack       No Ma!

Jill       You can‟t sell the girls, Mrs Kipper.

Ma         Oh yes we can and oh yes we will! I will discuss it no more. Now off you go!

Jack       But Ma…

Ma         No buts. GO!!!

SONG 3 – Hit the Road Jack

                               Jack sullenly gets the kangas and exits with Jill and George in tow.

Ma         And good riddance too!

                                                                                          Ma exits.

                                                                                        Page 8 of 40
            ACT 1 SCENE 2 –TO MARKET (Front of Cloth)
Fairy   Well Jack‟s in quite a fix today,
        His kangaroos must go away.
        He‟s off to market to make a sale,
        No wonder that he‟s looking pale.

        But on the way to sell the three,
        Many strange folk, Jack will see.
        Some will try to do him down,
        And some will try to turn him round.

        But Jack knows he must get some cash,
        And though he can be rather rash.
        He needs to put food on the table,
        I wonder if he‟s really able.

        So onward with this merry whirl,
        To meet up with a lusty girl.
        Who by Jack Kipper has been spurned,
        And now her wrath he has earned.

        Her friend‟s a bruitish, nasty lass,
        Who Jack too soon, will have to pass.
        And from that bully he will get,
        A nasty shock, I will bet!

        Let us meet with this odd pair,
        And listen to the plot they share.
        They‟re hatching trouble for poor Jack,
        He‟d really better watch his back!
                                                         Aggie Rowe and Wanda Lust enter.

Aggie   So, let‟s get this right, Wanda. You went up to that Jack Kipper and offered him
        the benefits of your charms? Is that right?

Wanda   Yes, Aggie. I asked him if he fancied a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, and do you now
        what he said?

Aggie   No?

Wanda   That‟s right!

Aggie   Eh, what do you mean that‟s right? Tell me what he said.

Wanda   He said, NO!

                                                                                   Page 9 of 40
Aggie    Right, that‟s it. He‟s had it! When I see him I‟ll knock his block off! After all, no one
         turns down your favours, do they Wanda.

Wanda    No they don‟t! Men have always found me attractive.

Aggie    Yes. There was Bill.

Wanda    Oh Bill. He was sweet.

Aggie    And don‟t forget Terry.

Wanda    Yes, dear Terry.

Aggie    And Fred…. And Sid.. Eric, Pete, John, Chris, George….

Wanda    Yes, yes! That‟s quite enough thank you. After all I cannot help it if I am desirable
         can I? At least I don‟t go round beating up boys, like you.

Aggie    Well maybe I‟ll make an exception this time and beat a girl up. Namely you!

Wanda    Oooh, help! I‟m off!

Aggie    Come back here and have a knuckle sandwich!

                                              Aggie chases Wanda off. Jack enters with kangas.

Jack     Come on you three. I guess we‟d better get to market. We can‟t prolong this forever.

                                                                                 Nick Night enters.

Nick     Hello Jack. How are you doing?

Jack     Not so good, Nick. Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.

Nick     I bet that made you HOPPING mad!

Jack     Very funny, Nick.

Nick     Well I must be on my way. So many chimneys to sweep, so little time. Cheerio Jack!

Jack     Bye, Nick.
                                                                     Nick exits. Bertie Bun enters.

Bertie   Hi Jack. Get it? Hi-Jack! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jack     Very drole, Bertie.

Bertie   What‟s wrong, Jack? Lost your sense of humour?

                                                                                        Page 10 of 40
Jack     Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.

Bertie   Oh dear. Not exactly JUMPING for joy then? Still I‟m sure they‟ll BOUNCE back.
         Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jack     Yes. Most amusing.

Bertie   Well I must be off. My buns are a baking! Ta! Ta!

Jack     Bye.

                                                            Bertie exits. Beth Bookbinder enters.

Beth     Jack! Read any good books today?

Jack     Not today, Beth. I‟m feeling a bit low actually.

Beth     Well you look the same height as always. Get it? Abit low… Look the same height…
         Oh, suit yourself.

Jack     Sorry. I‟m not in a good mood because Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.

Beth     I‟m sure someone will LEAP at the chance of buying them.

Jack     Mmmmm! Most amusing, I‟m sure.

Beth     Oh well. I must cut along. Got a date with a librarian. Bye!

Jack     Bye.
                                                                   Beth exits. Wanda Lust enters.

Wanda    Well if it isn‟t mister “I‟m too good for you” Jack Kipper.

Jack     Oh hello Wanda. Are you still sore at me for turning you down?

Wanda    Turning me down! No one turns me down! You just couldn‟t handle a woman like

Jack     Whatever. Now can I please get by Wanda. I‟ve got to get to market because
         Ma‟s told me I have to sell my kangaroos.

Wanda    Oh Jack! (Wanda adopts a consolling, coquettish manner) I am sorry. Are you very

          Wanda guides Jack to one side of the stage and the kangas move to the other side.

Jack     Well yes I am actually, Wanda. (Jack softens)

                                                                                     Page 11 of 40
Wanda       (Wanda puts her arms round Jack and puts his head on her shoulder)
            There, there, Jack, dear.

Jack        (Jack tries to raise his head to say each line and Wanda forces it back onto her
            shoulder each time) But Wanda, I must take the kangaroos…

Wanda       I know Jack dear. But just rest here awhile with me first.

Jack        But Wanda…

Wanda       There, there…
                                                                Attention refocuses on the kangas…

Kylie       Look at those two. Canoodling like fools whilst we stand here and starve.

Penny       Too right! I haven‟t had a thing since breakfast.

Sheila      Oh stop talking about food you two. We‟ve got more to worry about than that.
            They‟re going to sell us!

Kylie       So? Maybe the next lot who buy us will feed us properly.

Penny       Yeah! Tons and tons of lovely grub!

Sheila      Yeah, and they might just eat us instead! What if somebody buys us to turn us into

Kylie       They‟d never!

Penny       No, we‟re much too beautiful for that!

Sheila      You mark my words. If the person who buys us is smacking their chops then you
            know we‟re on the menu for dinner.

Kylie       Crikey!

Penny       But I‟m too young to die!

    The smallpieces and Aggie Rowe enter but Aggie sees only Jack and does not notice Wanda.

Sheila      Quick girls. Stumm! Here comes someone.

Aggie       There you are, Jack Kipper! Your for it! Messing about with poor Wanda‟s

                                                                             Wanda steps forward.

Wanda       It‟s all right Aggie. Jack‟s been making it up to me. Haven‟t you Jack, darling?

                                                                                        Page 12 of 40
Jill           What‟s that? Jack Kipper, explain yourself!

Jack           Well… I… you see….

Ernest         Yes, Jack. What are you doing dallying with that strumpet?

Jack           No… but… she…. I….

Wanda          Who are you calling a strumpet?

Ernest         You, madam!

Wanda          Cheek.

Ernest         Come Jill… George. Let us go!

Jill           Yes father! Jack, how could you?

George         (mimicking) Yes, Jack, how could you?
                                                                      The smallpieces turn and leave.

Aggie          Come on Wanda. Leave this creep. Let‟s go and have a tussle with the farmers
               down the pub.

Wanda          Don‟t mind if I do.

Aggie          (to Jack) I‟ll get you later, Kipper!

        Wanda and Aggie exit. The fairy puts on her cloak to become the “old woman” as she says...

Fairy          So Jack has had some awful luck,
               He really is a lame old duck.
               His girlfriend‟s gone and all can see,
               That Jack needs help from little old me!

Jack           First ma makes me go and sell the girls, then I‟m accosted by a woman of easy
               virtue. Next I‟m threatened by a mad yobbo and finally I‟m dumped by my girlfriend
               and ostracised by her family. What else can go wrong, now?

                                                                        The “old woman” approaches.

Old Woman Hello dearie. You look sad. What seems to be the trouble.

Jack           Oh, everything‟s gone wrong.

Old Woman I‟m sorry to hear that things aren‟t going well for you dear.

Jack           And on top of that I‟ve got to get rid of my lovely kangaroo.

                                                                                         Page 13 of 40
Old Woman Well there I may be able to help you.

Jack        How so?

Old Woman It just so happens I‟m in need of some kangaroos. Three to be exact.

Jack        But I‟ve got three kangaroos.

Old Woman What a bit of luck. Would you sell them to me?

Jack        But I was on my way to the market to sell them right now. I don‟t want to, but we
            have no money for food or heating, so my ma is making me sell them.

Old Woman Well dear, they look like good specimens. I will pay handsomely for them.

Jack        How much?

Old Woman How much do you think is fair?

Jack        Well we paid three groats each for them and we‟ve fed them up to be big and
            strong, so I think five groats each would be fair.

Old Woman Mmmmm, interesting. That would be 15 groats in total then.

Jack        That‟s right. By the way what do you want them for?

Old Woman That‟s for me to know and you to guess. Anyway I will pay you with something worth
          far more than 15 groats.

Jack        Really! What?

Old Woman These… (she opens a small bag to show Jack)

Jack        Those! But there just beans!

Old Woman Oh no, my dear. Not just any beans. These are magic beans.

Jack        Magic beans! Do you think I was born yesterday? They‟re about as magic as you
                           The “old woman” throws off her cloak to reveal the she is the fairy…

Fairy       How right you are. For I am the good fairy and these beans really are magic.

Jack        Wow! A hag with a bag becomes a blonde with a wand!

Fairy       Now take these beans home, Jack, and your luck will change. Leave the girls with
            me. I‟ll take them home for tea!

                                                                                      Page 14 of 40
Jack    Great. My luck is going to change and the kangaroos will get a lovely new home too.
        (Jack takes the bag of beans and hands over the kangaroos) It‟s a deal!
        Goodbye girls!

Fairy   Come on you three. It‟s back to my place.

                                              Fairy and the kangaroos go to Fairy’s lectern.

Kylie   Strewth! It‟s tight in here.

Jack    I must take these beans back home to ma! I‟m sure she‟ll be pleased!

                                                    Jack exits. Fairy and the kangaroos exit.

                                                                                 Page 15 of 40
         ACT 1 SCENE 3 – A HANDFUL OF BEANS (Full Stage)
                                        Ma starts on stage with a few villagers in the background.

Ma         Where can that good for nothing boy be? He should have been back hours ago.
           I do hope he‟s got a good price for those kangaroos.

                                               Ernest Smallpiece enters with Jill and George in tow.

Ernest     Well I see that you‟ve gotten rid of those ghastly beasts.

Ma         Yes Ernest. I‟m terribly sorry about all that fuss with your allergy. Still Jack‟s gone off
           to market to sell the beasts. In fact I was expecting him back some time ago.
           You haven‟t seen him on your travels, have you?

Ernest     Indeed we have, Thora, my dear. The reason that he‟s been so long is that he‟s
           been dallying with a girl of loose virtue!

Ma         My Jack? Never!

Jill       And he‟s broken my heart too! (she sobs)

George     There, there, sis!

Ernest     And if this is what we can come to expect from your son then perhaps we should
           reconsider our relationship too, Thora.

Ma         But, Ernest! How can you say such a thing? Aren‟t you still my flopsy wopsy?

Ernest     Well…. Yes…..

Ma         Aren‟t you still my great big huggy bear?

Ernest     I… suppose… so….

Ma         And am I still your chu chi face?

Song 4 – Chu Chi Face
                                                                                         Jack enters.

Jack       There you are Jill. I‟ve been trying to find you. I want to explain.

Jill       I don‟t want to hear any of your explanations, you rotter!

Jack       But Jill, it was all a misunderstanding. I don‟t want anything to do with that girl.

Jill       I don‟t believe you!

                                                                                          Page 16 of 40
George   Shall I punch him in the nose for you sis?

Ernest   You‟ll do no such thing, George.

Jack     Jill, you‟re the only one for me. Won‟t you believe me?

Jill     Well….. No!

Jack     Will no one believe me?
                                                        Wanda Lust and Rhoda Byke approach…

Rhoda    We believe you Jack!

Jack     What did you say?

Rhoda    We said, we believe you, Jack! We know that you‟re innocent.

Jill     Did you put them up to this, Jack?

Rhoda    No it‟s true. We saw the whole thing. Jack is innocent. He was accosted by
         that tramp, Wanda Lust.

Wanda    Who are you calling a tramp?

Ernest   Is this the young lady in question?

Jill     Yes, daddy.

Ernest   Well young lady. What do you have to say for yourself?

Wanda    It‟s a fair cop, guv! Jack is in the clear. Still, you can‟t blame a girl for trying can you?

Ernest   Right madam. You‟ve caused enough trouble so I think it‟s about time you went on
         your way. George! Would you escort Miss Lust home please.

George   Certainly, Pa!

Wanda    Come on, George.

George   Certainly, Wanda!

                                                                           George and Wanda exit.

Rhoda    Come on you lot! Let‟s follow them and see what they get up to!

                                                          All exit except Jack, Jill, Ernest and Ma.

Jill     Oh, Jack. I‟m so sorry for doubting you. Can you ever forgive me?

                                                                                         Page 17 of 40
Jack             Of course, Jill.

Ma               Now that nonsense is all over jack, let‟s get on to the good news.
                 Did you sell the kangaroos.

Jack             Yes, Ma.

Ma               And did you get a good price?

Jack             Yes, Ma.

Ma               And have you brought the profits home with you?

Jack             Yes, Ma!

Ma               So where are they?

Jack             Here (he hands over the bag of beans).

Ma               What‟s this? A bag of beans. Is this some kind of joke?

Jack             No, Ma. I met an old woman on my way to market. She wanted to buy the
                 kangaroos off me. She offered me these beans.

Ma               But why did you take them? Are you mad, Jack?

Jack             No, you see they‟re magic beans! The old woman turned out to be a good fairy
                 and she gave me these beans and told me that they would change our luck!

Ma               You are mad. You‟ve let some old bag in a fairy costume trick us out of the last
                 thing we had left to sell and all we‟ve got to show for it is some stupid beans!
                 Here Ernest, take these and throw them away for me.

Ernest           Certainly, Thora, my love.

       Ernest takes the bag of “beans” which are actually sweets and distributes them to the audience
                                                                                         with helpers.

Jack             But, Ma!

Ma               Don‟t you speak to me, you foolish boy! You can just sleep out here under the stars
                 with your precious beans. And there‟s no supper either. Come, Ernest!
                 Let‟s leave this silly lad to muse over his foolishness.

Ernest           Coming Thora, dearest.

Jill             Don‟t worry, Jack. I‟m sure you did your best.

                                                                                           Page 18 of 40
Ernest   Come, Jill. Leave Jack to ponder his error.

Jill     Bye Jack.

Jack     Bye Jill.
                                                                       Ma, Ernest and Jill exit.

Jack     Oh dear. No supper and I‟ve got to sleep out here in the cold. And those beans
         are magic. The good fairy said so! Still it‟s too late now. Ma‟s had them thrown
         out here. (she sighs) I am tired, though. I think I‟ll settle down for the night
         and maybe everything will look better in the morning. Good night!

                                                                                    Jack exits.

                                                                                   Page 19 of 40
           ACT 1 SCENE 4 – UNEASY SLEEP (Front of Cloth)
                                                        Fairy enters and goes behind lectern.

Fairy     Jack and Jill are friends once more,
          It‟s time to find out what‟s in store.
          Now Ma has heard about Jack‟s trade,
          And thinks the deal was badly made.
          She‟s hopping mad, and caused a scene,
          So now she‟s gone and spilt the beans.
          But magic beans will not rest easy,
          And soon turn into something “treesy”.

                               During song, oompah loompahs bring on beanstalk down aisle.

Song 5 – Oompah Loompah Song

                                                                               Rhoda enters.

Rhoda     Goodness gracious! What‟s this? It‟s a giant beanstalk. I must go find everyone
          and tell them! (she runs off shouting) Everbody! Come! Look! A giant beanstalk!

                                                                                 Rhoda exits.

                                                                                  Page 20 of 40
             ACT 1 SCENE 5 – THE BEANSTALK (Full Stage)
                                                         Villagers start on stage. Rhoda runs on.

Rhoda      Look! Look, everyone! A giant beanstalk!

Nancy      Wow! Look!....

                        Stinjard Squeeze enters “down” beanstalk to pomp music accompanied
                                                          by the oompah loompahs chanting.

Sally      Wait! Who‟s that coming down the beanstalk?

Peg        I don‟t know. I‟ll go and ask them! (to Stinjard) Hello! My name‟s Peg.
           And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?

Stinjard   Pleasure? PLEASURE!!! You‟ll find no pleasure from me, peasant! My name is
           Stinjard Squeeze and I am the representative of the mighty giant who lives at the
           top of this beanstalk!

Zack       A giant?

Hattie     Do you really expect us to believe there‟s a giant up that beanstalk? What rubbish!

Stinjard   SILENCE! You should all bow down in fear at the thought of my master, the giant,
           visiting his terrible anger upon you and your village!

Woody      I‟m not listening to any more of this nonsense. Go on, clear off, you looney.

Stinjard   Looney? LOONEY!!! Right! That‟s it! Now your for it. (He calls up the beanstalk)
           Master! Master! These fools do not believe in you, sire! Please let them know of
           your awesome power.

                                                              Giants disembodied voice is heard.

Giant      Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of some Padbury scum. Be them alive or be them
           dead, I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread!

Zack       A giant!

Stinjard   See, you unbelievers! Pray that my master does not descend upon you even now!

Velma      We believe! Save us!
                                                                   Jill, George and Ernest enter.

Ernest     Come, come! What‟s all this fuss about?

George     Look, dad! A beanstalk.

                                                                                      Page 21 of 40
Ernest          My, my. Oh yes! How peculiar! (to Stinjard) And who might you and these funny
                little people be?

Stinjard        I am Stinjard Squeeze and these are the oompah loompah‟s. We are servants of the
                great and terrible giant who lives at the top of the beanstalk.

George          Giant! What a load of hogwash.

Giant           Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of some doubting ones. Be them alive or be them
                dead, I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread!

Jill            (she screams) Aaaaahhhh! A giant! I… think… I‟m…. going…. To…. Faint….

           Jill weaves around the stage. At the last moment Jack enters with Ma and he catches her.

Jack            What is it Jill, my sweet?

Jill            Oh! Oh! I heard a giant!

Ma              A giant. What piffle! (to Stinjard) And who are you and all these funny folk?

Stinjard        Oh not again! I am Stinjard Squeeze and these are the oompah loompah‟s.
                We are servants of the great and terrible giant who lives at the top of the beanstalk!

Ma              A giant! I should cocoa!

Giant           Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of a wrinkly mum. Be her alive or be her
                dead, I‟ll grind her bones to make my bread!

Ma              Blooming cheek!

Jack            See, Jill! A giant and a beanstalk! The fairy was right! They were magic beans.

Jill            Yes Jack. You are clever!

Stinjard        ENOUGH! I have been sent here by the giant to raise tribute from your village.

Nancy           Pardon?

Sally           What do you mean, tribute?

Peg             I had to give a tribute to my teacher once. I said “My teacher is the best…”……

Stinjard        SILENCE!!! I mean that you must give the giant all of your harvest and all of your
                livestock to eat for his dinner. You see the giant has a giant appetite. Ha! Ha! Ha!

       Raggah Muffin and Rogan Josh laugh hysterically until they realise everyone is staring at them
                                                                           and they stutter to a halt…

                                                                                               Page 22 of 40
Rogan / Raggah    We‟ll shut up now.

Stinjard   That‟s better! Now, as I was saying, You have until tomorrow morning to hand over
           the goods or the giant will come down the beanstalk and eat all of you, instead!

All        Oooohhh! Aaahhh!

Velma      But if you take all of our food then we‟ll starve!

Hattie     We‟ll never last through the winter.

Zack       Well I won‟t hand over my stuff to some rotten old giant.

Nancy      But then he‟ll eat us all instead!

Woody      Not if I chop him with my axe.

Rhoda      Brave words, Woody. But I doubt a woodsman‟s axe is a match for a giant.

Stinjard   Maybe you haven‟t understood what I‟ve been telling you, so let me make it
           simple for you. What the giant is going to do is take all your food, and then…
           he‟s going to eat it! ALL OF IT!!!

Rhoda      Then there‟s only one thing for it!

Hattie     What‟s that?

Rhoda      We need to call for….HELP!

Song 6 – Help

                                 --- END OF ACT ONE ---

                                                                                     Page 23 of 40
                      ACT 2 SCENE 1 – KIDNAP! (Full Stage)
                                                                            Villagers start on stage.

Rhoda      What can we do to stop that old bag, Stinjard Squeeze from bothering us then?

Aggie      Well I could give her a good thumping!

Nick       That‟s all well and good but it won‟t stop the giant will it? What can we do
           about him?

Wanda      Leave him to me. I have a way with big boys.

Rhoda      Don‟t be daft, Wanda. The giant won‟t be interested in the likes of you!
           We‟ve got to stop them from coming down the beanstalk.

Nick       Hey! How about making the beanstalk slippery so they can‟t climb down?
           We could rub oil on it.

Rhoda      That‟s a great idea Nick. But oil would dry out. We need something permanent.
           We need something slimy.

Aggie      Not slimy, Rhoda. I think the word your looking for is a bit different.

Wanda      So what word is she looking for?

Aggie      I‟lll tell you what word, Wanda! GREASE IS THE WORD!

Song 7 – Grease Is The Word

Wanda      The problem is we don‟t have any grease.

Rhoda      That‟s torn it. I guess we‟ll have to give the giant our crops and livestock then?

Nick       But I haven‟t got anything to give.

Peg        Have you managed to bring anything for the giant, Sally?

Sally      No, Peg. And you?

Peg        Nothing!

Sally      Oh crumbs!

Bertie     Yes crumbs! That‟s all I‟ve got too. Everybody has bought all my bread in a
           mad panic so I‟ve nothing left to give the giant either.

                          Stinjard and the Oompah Loompahs descend the beanstalk unnoticed.

                                                                                          Page 24 of 40
George     I guess we‟re all a gonner, then!

Jill       Don‟t say that, George.

George     Well, it‟s true, isn‟t it? That Stinjard woman said that if we didin‟t come up with all
           our goods for the giant‟s dinner then he‟d eat us instead, didn‟t she?

Ernest     Come, come, George. We‟ll have none of this defeatist talk. We‟ll just have to
           stand up to that woman and the giant too.

                                                                   George notices Stinjard’s arrival.

Jill       Yes daddy. She did seem an awful bully. Perhaps she‟s bluffing?

George     Well I think we‟re about to find out cos‟ she‟s here now! I‟m off to find Jack.

                                                                                    George runs off.

Stinjard   That‟s right, peasants! And I‟m here to collect the goods. So….. Where are they?

Peg        Errr…. Errr… We haven‟t got anything for you.

Stinjard   Nothing?

Sally      No, nothing.

Stinjard   Nothing at all?

Bertie     Not a thing I‟m afraid. We‟ve got no spare food at all. Been a tight year all
           round really.

Ernest     So you‟d best be on your way and tell the giant that we‟ve nothing for him.

Stinjard   FOOLS!!!! The giant cannot be fobbed off with some sob story about how hard
           up you are? I can see that I can‟t trust you to give generously without a little
           persuasion. Raggah Tip! Rogan Josh!

Rogan / Raggah    We are here!

Stinjard   You two help me accompany these fools back to their food stores so that we
           can help them to find a little something for our master.

Rogan / Raggah    We obey!

Stinjard   The rest of you stay here and stand guard until I return.

O-Ls       We obey!

                                                        Stinjard, Raggah, Rogan and villagers exit.

                                                                                          Page 25 of 40
Nattie     Thank god she‟s gone!

Rokki      Yeah! My feet are killing me.

Wizzy      Do you think she‟ll manage to squeeze anything for the giant out of those villagers?

Gilly      Maybe some stuff but not enough. Remember the last village we raided?

Wizzy      That was a good one!

Nattie     But the giant ate everyone!

Wizzy      That was what was good about it!

Gilly      Nothing like a bit of bone crunching and mayhem to keep us entertained is there?

Yippity    So do you think this lot are in for it then?

Tressa     I reckon so.

Amber      Well I bagseye first pick of their jewellry and such.

Flissy     No, it‟s my turn.

Oobah      You know that Stinjard will grab her choice first. It‟s always the same.

Lizzie     I jut hope that it‟s all over quickly. I missed breakfast so I‟m starving.

Yippity    Me too!

                                               Stinjard, Raggah, Rogan and the villagers re-enter.

Bertie     You see. It was true. We have nothing for the giant.

Sally      No nothing at all.

Peg        Sorry!

Stinjard   I don‟t believe a word of it! You are obviously all lying! Perhaps you‟ll come to
           your senses and deliver your goods if I take some hostages.

                                         Stinjard points at Ernest and Jill and commands the O-Ls.

Stinjard   Rogan! Ragah! Grab them!

Rogan / Raggah      We obey!

                                              Rogan and Ragah grab Ernest and Jill. Jill screams.

                                                                                        Page 26 of 40
Ernest     Unhand us you swines!

Stinjard   I think not! (to the other villagers) You lot had better come up with the goods or
           these two will be giant food before nightfall! (to the O-Ls) Oompah Loompahs!
           Take them to the giant!

O-Ls       We obey!

                                     Stinjard, the O-Ls and the Smallpieces exit up the beanstalk.

Bertie     Now we‟re for it!

Sally      But what shall we do?

Peg        I don‟t know.

                                                                      Jack, George and Ma enter.

Jack       Bertie! Have you seen Jill?

Bertie     She‟s gone!

Jack       I know she‟s gone. That‟s why I‟m looking for her! Derrrrrrrr! So where is she?

Sally      Stinjard has kidnapped her!

Jack       What?

Peg        Yes and her father too!

Ma         Oh no! Not Ernest!

Bertie     And they‟ve taken them to the top of the beanstalk.

Sally      And if we don‟t find enough food the giant is going to eat them!

Ma         Oh Jack. We must save them.

Jack       Right Ma, you organise the rest of the villagers to gather as much food as you
           can for the giant just in case. George and I are going after Jill and her father.

Ma         You mean up the beanstalk.

Jack       Yes Ma.

Ma         Oh my giddy aunts. Good luck then Jack, my boy. And you too George.
           (to the villagers) Right you lot, come with me.

                                                                       Ma exits with the villagers.

                                                                                       Page 27 of 40
Jack     Come on George, let‟s grab some climbing gear.

George   Right Jack. I‟ve got some stuff at my house.


                                                          Page 28 of 40
                ACT 2 SCENE 2 – THE ASCENT (Front of cloth)
                                                       Fairy enters in blackout and goes to lectern.

Fairy       A giant and his loathsome crew,
            Have taken Jill and Ernest too.
            So now young Jack and George will try,
            To rescue them from up on high.
            Atop the beanstalk, where they‟ll find,
            A fearsome giant ready to grind.
            Their bones for bread with blood for wine.
            This really is a trying time.
            So let us see if George and Jack,
            Can bring poor Jill and Ernest back.

                                         George and Jack enter with climbing gear with Ma in tow.

Jack        Come on George!

George      Keep your hair on Jack. I‟m going as fast as I can, but this stuff is heavy.

Ma          Stop bickering you two and start climbing. Ernest and Jill are depending on you.

Jack        Yes, Ma. You first George.

George      No after you Jack.

Jack        But I insist, after you.

Ma          Come on you two! (she pushes them forward) Go!

                                                    Jack and George begin to climb the beanstalk.

Ma          Do be careful boys. Oh I do hope they‟re alright. And Jill and dear Ernest too.
            What has the world come to when we‟re raided by rogues, growled at by giants
            and our kin are kidnapped.

Song 8 – Oh When Young Jack (Oh When the Saints)

Ma exits at end of song and George and Jack make their way on to the stage as if climbing to top.

George      Wow Jack! That was a long climb.

Jack        Yes, George. Still here we are at the top at last. (Jack indicates off stage)
            Hey look over there! That must be the giant‟s house.

                                                                                           Page 29 of 40
George   Oh yeah! Let‟s go!

Jack     Righty ho!


                              Page 30 of 40
               ACT 2 SCENE 3 – THE GIANT’S CASTLE (Full Stage)
           Mrs Big starts on stage sorting a basket of the giant’s washing. She holds up a giant sock,
                                                                          hanging it on the beanstalk.

Mrs Big         (to audience) Oh hello there. I‟m the giant‟s wife, Mrs Big. It‟s wash day today
                and I‟m doing Mr. Giant‟s smalls. Quite a job as you can see. (she holds up the
                giant underpants then hangs them up too) Still there are some rewards to being
                a giant‟s wife!

                                                                                Stinjard Squeeze enters.

Stinjard        Ah, there you are, Mrs Big.

Mrs Big         (with distaste) Oh, it‟s you Stinjard. Come to tell me more of your horrible tales?

Stinjard        Maybe later but for now I‟ve more important matters to tell you. There has been
                a possible sighting of some intruders. I want you to keep your eyes peeled and
                let me know the moment you see anything unusual.

Mrs Big         What nonsense.

Stinjard        Maybe so, but I‟m going on patrol just in case.

                                                                                           Stinjard exits.

Mrs Big         (to audience) Oooh, I can‟t stand that rotten, nasty henchwoman, Stinjard Squeeze.
                She works for my husband but I can‟t bear her. She‟s so nasty! Now, my
                husbands off at a symposium for the vertically challenged and I‟ve got a lot
                to do while he‟s gone. I can‟t afford the time to be disturbed by the likes of her. So if
                you see anyone coming will you shout out and let me know. Will you? Thanks!

   Mrs Big carries on with her sorting and Jack and George enter behind her, cross the stage and

Audience        Behind you!

Mrs Big         Where? Where? There‟s no one there. What are you talking about…

                                            Stinjard appears and walks across behind Mrs Big and off.

Audience        Behind you!

Mrs Big         Where? Where? There‟s still no one there. I don‟t know what‟s gotten into you lot…

                                                                              Jack and George re-enter.

Audience        Behind you!

                                                                                              Page 31 of 40
Mrs Big    Where? Where? (she spots them) Oh hello. Who are you, two?

George     Errrr, hello. I‟m George.

Jack       And I‟m Jack.

George     Have you seen my father and sister. They were brought here by a rotter
           called Stinjard Squeeze.

Jack       And we‟ve come here to get them back even if we have to fight an army to do it!

Mrs Big    Now, now! There‟s no need to get worked up. I agree with you about
           Stinjard Squeeze, she is a rotter. Now you seem like nice lads.
           Why would Stinjard want to snatch your family?

George     Because we didn‟t give up all our crops and livestock for the giant.

Jack       Did you know there was a giant up here?

Mrs Big    Of course I know! I‟m married to him!

George     Married to him? But how come he married a normal human like you? I thought
           giants ate humans!

Mrs Big    Well normally they do. And when we first met I thought he would eat me.
           You see I lived in a village that ws plagued by the giant so the village elders
           decided to leave a sacrifice to appease him.

Jack       So what sacrifice did they leave?

Mrs Big    They left me! They tied me up and left me for the giant to eat. But luckily for me
           when the giant came and got me he had a terrible toothache so he couldn‟t eat
           me. That gave me an idea. I persuaded the giant to let me help fix his toothache.
           He was so pleased that he spared my life and let me live in his house. Over time
           we fell in love and here we are, man and wife.

Stinjard   (from off stage) Come out, come out, wherever you are. Stinjard wants a word
           with you.

Mrs Big    Oh crikey! It‟s Stinjard. Quick get in here (she indicateds the washing basket) and
           I‟ll see if I can trick Stinjard into telling me where your family are.

                George and Jack get in the basket and pull washing over them. Stinjard enters.

Mrs Big    Oh, hello again, Stinjard. Have you has any luck with finding those intruders?

Stinjard   No, why? Have you seen anything?

                                                                                       Page 32 of 40
Mrs Big    Oh no, no, no. It‟s just that I‟m interested, that‟s all. I wonder why intruders
           would come up here. You think my husband would scare them off.

Stinjard   I think it‟s some of those wretched villagers come in search of their loved ones.

Mrs Big    Loved ones? What loved ones?

Stinjard   I‟ve taken two of them hostage until they come up with dinner for your husband.

Mrs Big    Really? How interesting. I don‟t get to see other people very often. I‟d love to
           meet them.

Stinjard   Maybe later. For now I must remain vigilant in case these intruders show up.

                                                            There is a strange noise from off stage.

Stinjard   What was that? It must be the intruders! I‟ll get them, just you see!

                                                                                       Stinjard exits.

Mrs Big    (lifting the washing) You can come out now. She‟s gone.

                                                             Jack and George get out of the basket.

Jack       Thank goodness.

George     Did you find out where she‟s keeping my family?

Mrs Big    No, not yet.

                                                  The strange noise from off stage is heard again.

Jack       What was that?

George     Sounds like a giant chicken. I‟m going to look.

                                                                                        George exits.

Mrs Big    Oh that‟s just Clara.

Jack       Clara? Who or what is Clara?

Mrs Big    Oh she‟s just a pet.

Jack       What sort of pet?

                                                                                         Page 33 of 40
Mrs Big       Well you see it‟s a long story. After I‟d been married to the giant for a while I
              got lonely. He was away such a lot raiding villages and such that I thought I‟d like
              a pet to keep me company. You know a little cat or dog or some such. Well as
              luck would have it my husband came across the perfect pet. Oh look here
              she comes now and she seems to have taken to George…

                                                                   George enters “riding” an ostrich.

Jack          Crikey! It‟s an ostrich! And you‟re riding her George!

George        Yes and that‟s not all! Look who was with her!

                                                                       Kylie, Penny and Sheila enter.

Jack          Penny! Sheila! Kylie! Oh I‟ve missed you! What are you doing here?

Mrs Big       Oh, Stinjard captured them in his last raid. My husband was going to eat them but
              I persuaded him to let me keep them as pets too.

Jack          What great luck. These used to be my kangaroos you see.

Mrs Big       What a coincidence.

Stinjard      (from off stage) Come on you filthy wretches. Mrs Big wants to meet you.

George        Stinjard‟s coming back. Quick over here.

       All except Mrs Big “hide” upstage of entrance. Stinjard enters pushing Ernest and Jill ahead.

Stinjard      Here you are Mrs Big. These are the wretches that I‟ve taken hostage.

Ernest        Cheek!

Jack          Grab her!

                                                          The kangaroos and George grab Stinjard.

Stinjard      Unhand me! Or you‟ll answer to the giant!

Jill          Oh Jack. You‟re my hero!

Ernest        George! You‟ve come to rescue us. Well done my son.

Jack          It‟s wonderful to have my friends, my kangaroos and my girl back again.

George        That‟s right, Jack, you‟ve got a friend in them and you‟ve got a friend in me.

Song 9 – You’ve Got a Friend in Me

                                                                                          Page 34 of 40
Mrs Big    Now you‟d better all go before my husband gets back. He‟s due any time now.

Ernest     Good idea. Let‟s get back to the village.

Giant      (from offstage) Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I want some dinner in my giant‟s tum! I hear
           my wife to whom I‟m wed, busy in the kitchen baking my bread! Yum! Yum!

Mrs Big    Quick! It‟s my husband! Go that way! I‟ll keep Stinjard here!

Jack       Let‟s go!

                                                               All exit except Mrs Big and Stinjard.

Stinjard   The giant will be furious when he finds out they‟ve gone!

Mrs Big    Yes but I‟ll tell him that it was you who let them escape. It‟ll be you he‟s furious
           with. Maybe he‟ll end up eating you?

Stinjard   Nooooo!

                                                                                      Curtains close.

                                                                                         Page 35 of 40
            ACT 2 SCENE 4 –THE DESCENT (Front of cloth)
Fairy     Our gallant lads have grabbed their kin,
          And now the chase will soon begin.
          Down the beanstalk they must flee,
          With bird and beast for company.
          But even now the giant‟s crew,
          Is gathering to them pursue.
          And now the giant will appear,
          To spread confusion, dread and fear.
          Stay in your seat, don‟t dare to stray,
          In case you‟re in the giant‟s way.
          It‟s time to see our friend and foe,
          Enter battle, so here we go…
                                                  Jack, George, Ernest, Jill and kangaroos enter.

Jill      Phew! That was a long climb down!

Jack      Here Jill, let me hold your poor trembling hand.

                                                      Mrs Big begins to descend the beanstalk.

Ernest    No time for all that soppiness, Jack. We must chop down the beanstalk.
          Quick, George, fetch an axe.

George    Yes dad.

Mrs Big   No wait!

Jack      Look! It‟s Mrs Big. What are you doing down here?

Mrs Big   I‟ve come to warn you that Stinjard Squeeze is coming with the
          Oompahs-Loompahs to lay waste to your village. And what‟s more my husband,
          the giant, is coming with them!

Jill      Oh Jack! I‟m frightened!

George    If we get the whole village together then maybe we can fight them.

Jack      Good idea George. Come on let‟s go and get them!

                                                             All exit except kangaroos and fairy.
Kylie     Hey you!

Fairy     Who me?

Kylie     Yeah, you.

                                                                                     Page 36 of 40
Fairy    Yes?

Kylie    You‟re a fairy, right?

Fairy    Yes, that‟s right.

Kylie    So you‟ve got magic powers, right?

Fairy    Yes, dear.

Kylie    So how come you don‟t just wave your wand and make the beanstalk, the giant
         and all his helpers disappear, then?

Fairy    But that would be no fun for our lovely audience, would it?

Penny    I guess not…

Sheila   She‟s right Kylie.

Kylie    Fair enough. Come on girls, let‟s find some grub.

Sheila   Too right.

Penny    Lead me to it!

                                                                          Kangaroos exit.

                                                                              Page 37 of 40
        ACT 2 SCENE 5 – ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL (Full Stage)
                                                                   Stinjard and the O-Ls start on stage.

Stinjard       Where are those cowardly villagers? No matter. When my master gets here then
               this village and everyone in it will be no more! Ha! Ha! Ha!

                                                                                        Villagers enter.

Rhoda          That‟s what you think, Squeeze!

Woody          Come on! Let‟s fight them!

Stinjard       Ooompah Loompahs! Grab them!

                                                                                       A battle ensues.

Stinjard       Enough of this nonsense! Master! It is time for you to appear and finish these
               wretches once and for all.

Giant          Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the blood of some Englishmen! Be them alive or be
               them dead. I‟ll grind their bones to make my bread.

            The giant appears and climbs down the beanstalk terrorising the audience as he comes.

Villagers      The giant!

Stinjard       Now you are finished! The giant will eat you all! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Villagers      Someone save us!

Giant          There is no one to save you from me! I am the giant and I will eat you all!
               But first I‟m going to eat some of this audience! (the giant picks out some victims)
               You look juicy! Perhaps I‟ll eat you first? (to another) Or maybe you?

                                              Jack, Jill, George, Ernest, Ma and the kangaroos enter.

Ma             Wait giant. We have something that even you cannot defeat.

Ernest         Yes! It is the ultimate thing that no man, or giant, can resist!

Giant          But what is it?

Ernest         Your wife!

                                                                                        Mrs Big enters.

Mrs Big        That‟s right, Mr Big. Your wife! Now just what do you think you are doing?

                                                                                            Page 38 of 40
Giant     Errr….. Well….. You see……

Mrs Big   Just as I thought! Terrorising some more poor innocent villagers. Now I thought
          we‟d discussed this and you weren;t going to do this any more!

Giant     Yes dear. But Stinjard said it would be OK.

Mrs Big   And do you always do what your silly friends say?

Giant     No dear.

Mrs Big   So no more laying waste to villages then?

Giant     No dear.

Mrs Big   Now apologise to the nice people

Giant     Do I have to?

Mrs Big   Yes!

Giant     Alright dear. (to villagers) Sorry.

Mrs Big   (to Jack) You see, he only does all this because he wants to fit in. He feels very
          excluded being a giant and having to live up in a big old castle. If only we could
          live down here among you.

Giant     That‟s right. I only ever wanted to fit in.

Jill      Oh the poor thing! Jack, isn‟t there some way we could make room for the giant
          to live here?

Jack      Well we have plenty of room on our farm but what would the giant do for a living?

George    I know. No one else has a giant or a beanstalk or even the Oompah Loompahs.
          People would come from miles around just to see them.

Ernest    That‟s true George, but how would that help.

George    Because we could turn Jack‟s farm into a giant‟s theme park!

Jack      That‟s a great idea! We could turn the beanstalk into a roller coaster!

George    And call it the Giant‟s big dipper!

                                                                                     Page 39 of 40
Rokki      Could we have the Oompah Loompah bumper cars?

Nattie     And turn the giant‟s castle into a haunted house?

Ma         And we must have a ghost train. I love ghost trains!

Ernest     We should have a tunnel of love too, Ma.

Ma         Oh Ernest! You‟re so romantic.

George     It would be fantastic!

Stinjard   But what about me. I only know the ways of an evil henchwoman.

Ma         No problem Stinjard. We could dress you up as a clown!
           That should make „em laugh!

Song 10 – Make ‘Em Laugh - FINALE

                                                                            Bows and exeunt.

                                    --- END OF ACT TWO ---

                                                                                 Page 40 of 40

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