Village of the Giants
Mystery Science Theatre 3000
Screen Story by
BERT I. GORDON
MST3k writing by
MST3k riffing by
Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy & Trace Boileau
Film Transcribed by
Crow T Robot
Mike & Tom
Crow & Tom
Mike & The Bots
As our film opens we come upon the giants of our film, dancing in slowmotion, as the
screen shifts from different colors. The credits begin to roll.
Crow: Oh my. Oh, my word.
Mike: Wow, wild rebels. (As he watches, the screen changes to a bluish tint)Wow, I love
these 'blue blockers.'
Tom (watching the weird dancing): Haha, Madonna, what're you up to now? Ha ha.
JOSEPH E. LEVINE
Crow: The extra 'E' is for 'Extra Levine.'
Mike: This is everything 'Laugh-in' could have been!
A BERT I. GORDON PRODUCTION
Tom: Whoa!(Noting the giant teens)You know, they don't look that big to me.
“The Food Of The Gods”
Crow: 'Based on?' Oh, that they're 'both in English.'
Mike: This is based on 'Profiles and Courage.'
Crow: Oh, by Theodore Sorenson?
Tom: Boy these kids today, you just can't tell em apart!
Mike: Yeah you know, like look at that kid there, with his long hair, his firm buttocks, his
pert breasts and a-oh, wait a minute.
Tom & Crow: (both shudder with disgust)
RONNY HOWARD as Genius
Crow (like a chef): and just a 'hint' of Toni Basil.
THE BEAU BRUMMELS
Crow: Hi, Beau!
Mike: Beau knows awkward dancing.
Tom: (begins to warble to the weird music)
JOSEPH TURKEL as The Sheriff
Crow(noting Tisha sterling shaking her behind): Oh, she's just trying to get attention!
Composed and Conducted
Tom: Oh, Jack Nietzsche. That which does not kill you makes you more musical.
Special Visual Effects
BERT I. GORDON
Mike: Pioneers in really, big stuff.
Director of Photography
PAUL C. VOGEL, A.S.C.
Crow (on Jean's outfit, talking like a woman): Oh, you know she made her own costume
herself? She's really very talented.
Art Director..................................FRANZ BACHELIN
Process Photography....FARCIOT EDOUART, A.S.C.
Production Manager.........................FRANK CAFFEY
Assistant Production Manager..............CURTIS MICK
Tom: So guys, what stage of 'The Wonder Years' do you think this is, hm?
Choreography TONI BASIL
“Marrianne” by JACK NITZSCHE
“Nothing Can Stand In My Way” RUSS TITELMAN
“Woman” BY RON ELLIOTT
“When It Comes To Your Love”
“Little Bitty Corrine” by FRANK SLAY
FREDERICK A. PICARIELLO
Mike: Somehow this film is a metaphor for the Vietnam War.
Crow: Russ, Tit-elman? Tit-elman, can they say that, can they, huh?
Assistant Director.....................JIM ROSENBERGER
Script Supervisor..........................DOROTHY YUTZI
Camera Operator..................................TOM MORRIS
Sound Recording................................JOHN CARTER
Set Decoraton......................................BOB BENTON
Hairstyle Supervision...........NELLIE MANLEY, CHS
Makeup Supervision......WALLY WESTMORE, SMA
Tom: So, you think this music's ever gonna get near a MELODY or what?
Mike (about the credits): Nobody cares about these people, let's just get on with it.
Crow: I care.
Film Editor................................JOHN BUSHELMAN
Sound Effects...................................JACK CORNALL
Music Editor...................................CHARLES PALEY
Customized Hot Rods by.....BARRIS KUSTOM CITY
Special Prop Construction....................ROSS WHEAT
Talent Coordinator............................MARVIN PAIGE
Copyright MCMLXV by Embassy Pictures Corp. and Berkeley Productions, Inc.
The events and characters depictued in this photoplay are fictitious.
Any similiarity to actual persons places or films is purely coincidental.
Tom: You know this dance is not gonna take the pounds off. It's not aerobic it's
Crow: Yeah, and it's contra-indicative.
Tom (as Merrie's head bobs violently): Look out, she's gonna chunk!
Screen Story by
BERT I. GORDON
Produced and Directed
BERT I. GORDON
Mike (watching Jean sway to the music): When Catholic girls let go, they really let go!
Outskirts of Hainesville-DAY
Thunder and lightning can be seen and heard, as we see a broken 'Road Closed' sign.
Crow (observing the part of the sign that has the letters s-e-d): So I 'sed' to the guy, I 'sed.'
Mike (As Captain Kirk): The rain pelted the hovercraft, as it approached, Torrean 5.
Tom: The forecast is for bright sun, with intense rain.
Nearby is a broken wheel-
Crow: It's raining cats and tires! Ha!
-and a baby-blue Ford Thunderbird, crashed into the side of a mudslide-
Mike: Senator Kennedy, are you all right?
-as rain pelts the car and the landscape. Part of a broken telehphone pole can be seen.
Tom (as the pole looks like a cross): Soo, I guess Jesus was run down with a
Crow: Oh, this is where Thelma & Louise landed!
Suddenly, the passenger side door opens up and out jumps Merrie, a platinum-blonde,
screaming into the air, a bit wild with abandon.
Tom (noting Merrie sticking her tongue out): Oh no, she's tonguing the universe.
Crow: Acid rain is fun!
Mike: You could learn a lot from a dummy.
Tom: Ever heard about 'turkeys in the rain?'
Nearby, the others pile out as well: Jean, a skinnier blonde than Merrie, Goergette, a
brunette, and the guys:Fred, Rick, Harry & Pete.
Merrie: (screaming in joy)
Fred: It's a-drive, baby! Let's rock!
Crow: So far, there's not 'thing one' wrong with this movie.
The teens begin to rock out to 'Woman,' playing on the car radio, sung by the Beau
Brummels. Elsa a bob-cut blonde, is still in the car, grooving to the tune.
Fred: Hey come on, turn up that radio. Hey let's have some beer out here!
Still in the car, Elsa complies and turns up the radio, before passing beer out of the car.
Crow (mistaking the can): Creamed corn, anyone?
Mike: Never was a car crash celebrated so well.
Tom & Crow: (voice their agreement)
Elsa finally emerges from the car, and is embraced by Fred, as she begins to get wet in
the rain like everyone else.
Crow (singing): Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special.
Tom (watching Elsa lick Fred): Ugh, stop licking Beau!
Mike: If it rains much more it will turn into 'Sea Hunt.'
By now, everyone is caught up in the dancing, albeit in muddy water.
Crow (watching Rick's dancing): Hey, that's the monkey!
Tom: I thought it was the jerk.
Crow: No, the jerks are doing the monkey.
Tom (getting the joke): Oh!
Mike(singing along with the song): Woman. Woman, woman woman.
Tom: Witness the debauchery of Grecco-Roman dancing!
Mike(as the camera focuses on Jean's pants): If her pants were any tighter, they'd be
Tom: (makes little crashing sounds as Jeans hips sway to the beat)
Mike(as the camera focuses on Merrie's stomach): Oh, it looks like a pupa trying to
The kids begin to stomp around in the muddy water.
Jean: Oh, wet!
Crow: Alright, who gave the kids sugar?
Mike (as the camera shows Georgette): Oh, she's the shy, smart one.
Crow: Mike, do you think this scene is providing characterization and establishing
Mike: No, but who cares?
Tom (voicing for Elsa): Wait til' Mom finds out I'm in a movie!
Crow (observing the muddy water): The main sewer line breaks, and the party never
Mike: These kids are just 'high on life.' Let em' go, I say.
In the throes of dancing, Rick falls to the ground, gyrating around in the mud.
Crow: Well, he's contracted 'dance fever' from Deney Terrio.
Tom: Ow.(then begins to sing)Mistah Mo-jo, Ri-sing.
Pete: Hey, get up off of the ground, will ya?'
Rick then pulls Jean down to the ground as well.
Mike (as Jean): No don't, my pants are a little too tight for this sort of thing, no.
Fred: Hey what kind of a party is this?
The two roll around in the mud, and soon, everyone is joining suit.
Tom: Hey did each person or persons get explicit content for this?
Mike: When this is over, you know they'll be too embarassed to look at each other.
Crow (as Harry knocks Georgette down): Ow, my collar bone! I can't feel my legs!
Soon, everyone is sliding around, and throwing gobs of mud at each other.
Mike: Mm, mud-honey.
Tom (noting the beer): Hey Blatz! I love Blatz!
Mike: I bet Beau still has nightmares about the making of this film.
Crow: If I were here, I'd sit in the car, and listen to the radio.
Tom: This is the wildest Christmas party yet. We top each other every year!
Mike (like a phone operator): You'll get 'The Pigskin Preview,' and also 'The Year in
Crow: You'll need 'All Temperature Cheer'' to get those pants clean.
Mike: Yes, but how will they erase the shame of this movie?
Crow (as Harry slams some mud into Merrie's chest): Whoa! Well, at this point, what's
Tom: Unreleased footage, from 'The Piano.'
Mike: Couldn't they have used all the time to show short scenes of their growing
discontent with society's moreys?
Tom: Well, got a lot of wet boob shots in.
Rick manages to crawl away from the crew, to a broken sign that the car hit. On the
sign, it reads 'Hainseville 3 MI.'
Crow (like a struggling man): Must, get to, busted, sign.
Tom (on the first actual word in the film): Oh! We have dialogue!
Rick: Let's go to Hainesville and have some fun, huh?
Jean: Yeah, but how're we gonna get there?
Rick: Those, long, long legs, baby!
Jean: Ah, three miles, are you kidding?
Fred: Hey it's a wild idea, let's go down to the 'go-gos' and cause a little trouble, huh?
Merrie: Are you serious? That's, three miles away!
Fred: Oh baby, it'll be good for ya.'
Merrie: Harry, the overnight bags!
Crow (like a butler): Yes, Madam.
Fred: Hey besides, there's this broad down there that I've always had my eye on, what's
her name? Uh...
Fred: Uh, Nancy! N-Nancy or something or the w-w-wait a minute-
Merrie, not at all happy with Fred's thinking, takes a gob of mud and tries to cram it in
Tom: Oo, that's not mud! Oo!
Nancy's House- Day
On a sofa in the living room, lay Mike & Nancy, in each other's arms, as a record
player nearby plays an instrumental version of the song 'Marianne.''
Tom(singing): On a summer, place. On a summer place.
Crow(as announcer): Model home may not be available as seen.
Mike (checking out the record player): Pretty nice system, that's a Thorens turntable with
a Conrad-Johnson amp. Stasis class A.
Tom (noting Mike & Nancy): Ozzie & Harriet, after dark. (growls)
Crow: This is Tommy Kirk REALLY acting.
Tom (at Crow's burn): Ooo!
Nearby, the dog, named Woof, licks his lips.
Crow (as dog): I'm next.
The camera is now close enough to see the heavy smooching.
As the two kiss, Woof looks away.
Crow: Even the dog's grossed out!
Tom: (begins to make disgusting slurping sounds as Mike & Nancy continue to kiss)
Mike: When do your parents get back in town, huh?
Nancy: They're spending the night in Los Angeles.
Mike (deep-voiced): Oh yeah, too late to hate/pray on ya, baby. All that scratch.
Nancy: They phoned.
Nancy: There's a big landslide up the road.
Mike: Oh, (feigning worry)I'm sorry to hear that.
Nancy: I'll bet you are.
Mike (in a deep sensual voice): So what's for dinner?
Genius: Hey Mike!
Enter Genius, Nancy's younger brother, holding a steaming beaker, interrupting the
teen's makeout session.
Tom: (Makes hovering sound as Genius comes into the room)
Genius: Look what I got. Am2Su, HCSoF, and Magnesium Sulfate. How about that,
Mike: That's very impressive, Genius.
Genius: They're not compatible.
Crow (as Genius): Like you guys.
Genius: This is supposed to blow up. I wonder why it doesn't?
Nancy: You and I aren't going to be very compatible either Genius, if you don't get out of
Mike (on the concoction): I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see 'Willow.'
Genius: Mike, I don't know what you see in her.
Crow (to Mike): Hey, I liked 'Willow!'
As Genius turns to go, Nancy tosses a pillow after him.
Tom (as if the pillow knocked the beaker into Genius' face): Crash! Agh, clastic liquid all
over my face! Agh!!
Once finished, she turns to Mike, hoping to pick up where they left off.
Mike: I don't know either. But, uh, whatever it is, I like it.
Crow (as Nancy): Oh, take me, you savage Mousketeer!
They begin to kiss again.
Mike: Oh you're good for me Nancy, you know that? You are very, very good.
Mike: But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to fire you. Cut-backs.
Nancy: I never knew you liked good girls.
Mike: I don't. They talk too much.
Crow: And they smell wierd!
Mike: So, stop talking so much.
They kiss yet again.
Tom (as Nancy): Did you have Kung Pao chicken?
They begin to lean in, until a loud explosion is heard, even causing the dog Woof to be
Mike (as Genius): Aaaa, Aunt Bea help me, I can't feel my legs! Help me!
Crow (noting Nancy's dress frills bouncing): Flip flip, flip flip flip flip. Flip!
Nancy and Mike rush to the basement, where a huge amount of smoke is pouring out of
the doorway leading to Genius' laboratory.
Tom(as Jerry Lewis as Genius): Hoiman, hoiman! (coughs)
As they get inside, he rises from the floor, his face and glasses coated with a red
Mike: Honey, I shrunk the Opie.
Crow: I blinded me with science!
Genius: That's not really what I was trying to do.
Nancy: Genius, are you all right?
Tom (as Genius): Suddenly I want to direct.
Genius: Of course I'm all right. Why shouldn't I be?
Nancy: Well you could have been killed.
Genius: Oh, nonsense.
Nancy: Well you could have.
Nancy comes over and begins to clean her brother up.
Genius: I put an electric charge to that stuff I was mixing, and then POW, the whole
place blew up!
Mike (as Woof looks around the corner of the lab's door): I'm so ashamed.
Mike is looking at the former foaming beaker, only now, it's filling with a pinkish-yellow
substance, that is slowly expanding out of it's beaker.
Mike: Hm, Tommy's not too hard to entertain.
Crow: Nice of Tommy to stay awake for this scene.
Mike: I wonder what that is.
Tom (as Mike): I wonder what 'The King' is doing tonight?
Genius: Do you think it might be ammonia-actride sulfate?
Mike: No. It's either pancake mix, or an octopus.
Mike & the Bots: (small chuckles)
Mike: Don't try to be funny.
A glob of the stuff falls to the floor, as the Mike and Genius continue to watch the
As they watch, Woof in the corner stands up on his hind legs.
Crow(as Dr Strangelove as Woof): Mein Fuehrer, I can walk! Arf!
Mike(on the still transfixed Genius & Mike): Yes, but what does it mean!?
As they watch, a cat sneaks in through the open basement window.
Tom: Hey, Thomasina!
Crow: Oh, don't get the cat involved.
Nancy: What a mess. Alright Genius, put your talents to cleaning this up. Go get a
Genius heads to a corner to find a broom.
Mike: The things this kid comes up with. Fantastic!
Nancy: I suppose. Anyway, he does keep things from getting dull, if he just wouldn't
As they talk the cat jumps up on the table and begins to nibble on the stuff in the beaker.
Tom (as cat): Mm, you can taste the codfish flavor! Num-num.
Mike (to cat): Shoo. Go on, beat it.
The cat takes off, while Mike grabs the beaker and moves it to a nearby desk. He is
about to turn when-
Crow (noting the glass style the Goo's in): Whoa,. It's a 'Peanut-Opie-Buster Parfait.'
Tom (still on the parfait): Don't forget the cherry!
Genius quickly moves a bear trap on the floor aside.
Genius: You nearly stepped on it.
Mike: On what?
Genius: You might have set it off. You really must be more careful.
Nancy: His burglar alarm.
Mike: How's it work? Pretty good?
Genius: I don't know. I never really tried it out. Only in theory. In theory, it works fine.
Mike: Well, build a better mousetrap, and they'll beat a path to your door, they always
Mike: Shut up.
Genius: Not 'mouse trap,' 'burglar trap.' I'm going to patent it.
Mike: Um, I'm going to have to ask you to start making sense here!
As Mike looks up, he sees something that soon Nancy and Genius can't even believe.
Tom & Crow (pretending to shake with fear like everyone on screen)
Mike: Am I nuts or something?
The small cat is now as tall as them, and begins to growl angrily at them.
Mike: Huh, Puss-n-boots!
Tom: I'll say.
Nanacy: If you are. We all are.
Woof's ears turn down, and he begins to whimper.
Crow(as Woof): Ah, this ain't good for me! Ah!
The cat continues to growl and advance on them.
Tom: Uh, they never should have delayed that spaying.
Genius: Go get him, Woof. Sic em,' boy!
Mike (as Woof): Up yours, Opie. I ain't goin.'
Woof begins to bark at the cat. The cat growls at Woof.
Tom: Well, he's a great lapcat for William Conrad.
The Cat then exits out the doorway, up the stairs.
Crow(realizing the ridiculousness of the situation): Oh for dumb.
Woof follows in hot pursuit.
Genius: Atta boy Woof, sic em'!
As they breathe a sigh of relief, Mike looks at the stuff again.
Mike (thinking as everyone in the room): Well, that's over.
Mike: That cat was eating that.
Tom: Diddley durhey.
Mike: What've we got here?
Genius: I suppose the correct name would be 'ammonia actride sulfate, deethyl chloricin.'
Crow: And some other really scientific stuff.
Genius notes that Mike isn't really warming up to the title.
Genius: Perhaps we ought to call it Goo. Would that be simpler?
Nancy: No, not really.
Mike: You know what?
Mike: That's what.
Mike: We're gonna make us a million bucks.
Crow (bored): I s'pose.
Outside the house, Mike has taken a small handful of the Goo, and is feeding it to a pair
of white ducks.
Tom: The million dollar ducks!
Crow (as ducks in Jewish-mode): Hey, this isn't kosher, I shouldn't be eating this.
Mike: H.G. Well's 'Food of the DUCKS!'
As Mike, Genius & Nancy stand back, the ducks grow to be as tall as Mike.
Tom (as the ducks grow off-camera): Sorry we couldn't show you the 'actual growing
Crow: Oh, great. Now there's gonna be 'duck stuff' all over the yard.
Mike:With the price of beef what it is today, Can you imagine if you fed this to cattle, or-
or to chickens?
Mike: Or Jim J. Bullock?
Mike: Five, six times this size! Imagine the money. Genius, the first thing you gotta do
is make some more of this stuff.
Nancy: If he can remember what he made it from.
Genius: Of course I can!
As everyone heads inside, Mike drops the small piece of Goo he was holding.
Crow (as Nancy bounces inside): Oh boy, we're going inside now!
Woof then comes over, and begins to nibble on it, as the ducks watch.
Mike(as we see the ducks again): Go to the Dells, ride the ducks!
Tom (as Woof begins eating the Goo): Huh? Rrm, real chunks of sodium diethylate.
Crow (as Daffy Duck & The Amazing Colossal Man): How many sins could a duck
commit in a single lifetime?
Meanwhile, Mike, Nancy & Genius are back in the basement laboratory.
Crow (as Opie begins to work, thinking): 'Willow.'
Mike: The first thing we do is patent the formula.
Nancy: First we find it.
Mike: And market it.
Tom (as Nancy): Then we love!
Mike: Can you imagine the problems we're gonna solve? Unlimited food supply at
practically no extra cost! Oh, and we gotta keep this secret, absolutely secret.
Nancy: Of course.
As Genius works on trying to make more Goo, Woof can be heard from the closed door
to the lab.
Crow (singing as Genius works): The Wells Fargo wagon is-a, comin' down.
Tom (on the weird musical note progression on Woof's reveal): Scarlotti?
Genius: Alright, Woof.
As Genius opens the door, he, Mike & Nancy are face-to-face with a giant Woof, easily
larger than the cat.
Mike (as Woof): I want to go 'walkies!'
Genius: Well, come on in.
Crow (as Woof): I can't, I'm a cheap effect!
Mike (as Genius shrugs his shoulders): That's our freakish mishap.
Nancy: He must have eaten some of the Goo when you fed the du-
Nancy looks outside the basement window, but nothing's out there now!
Nancy: Oh, Mike! The ducks are gone! Our secrets flown the coop!
Tom (making weird noises at the ridiculousness of the joke)
HAINESVILLE theatre- NIGHT
Elsa sits at a nearby make-up table, getting ready.
Crow (noting a flamed set behind Elsa, and talks in falsetto): Oh cool, Paris is burning.
Elsa: Ok to leave my stuff here?
Fred: Yeah, why not? They closed this place down, nobody comes here anymore.
Jean: Boy I was sure dirty. I'm glad we found this place to clean up in.
Mike (on hearing Jean and seeing curtains behind Elsa): Huh? The curtains are alive!
Merrie has changed into her dance get-up.
Crow (as cowboy): She cleaned up real nice, Pa.
Tom (as Merrie looks at her other clothes): I tried soaking them out, and scrubbing them
Merrie: Hey aren't you guys ready yet? I wanna go dancing!
Crow(noting her bouncing): Boi-ing, Boi-ing! (And as she walks away)I'll go get some
On the stage, Harry & Pete are cloaked and using swords dueling back and forth.
Crow: It's hard to get a matinee audience.
At one point, one skewers the other, and then the fight continues.
Harry:(makes dying noises)
Tom (noting the look on Fred's face): Hey come on guys, I want to do my Andy Williams
Fred: Hey what is the story on you guys, you're gonna kill yourselves!
Mike (as Fred): You like my Orlon sweater?
The girls are still going about their duties: Georgette is finishing dressing behind a
curtain, Merrie is admiring the theatre, and Jean is primping herself in a giant hand-
mirror. Elsa is listening closely to the music next door.
Georgette: Be ready in a minute.
Crow: (trembling lips)Wohahahahaoh!
Merrie: Boy, this place is really groovy!
Tom: Ha! Kids today.
Fred: Heya, what? You girls gonna take all night, huh?
Jean is still combing her long blonde hair.
Jean: I'm coming.
Mike: No, you're combing!
Elsa: Dig that nitty-gritty!
Crow: Stop slanging! What are you saying!?
As Elsa applies more lip-liner, she hears a new melody picking up from the club nearby.
Elsa: That's a go-go! Let's get over there.
Tom: What, does she have bionic hearing?
Go-Go Club- NIGHT
The place is jumping with teenagers all over the dance floor. On stage,the Beau
Brummels play to the crowd, as a girl named Red dances in one of the areas above the
crowd. The band is busy playing out their song 'When it Comes to Your Love.'
Crow: It's the Beau Brummels!
Tom: The Beau Bridges Brumels!
Crow: The Beau Brummel Bridges of Madison County!
Mike (having enough): Okay, okay.
Tom: Play 'Laugh Loud!'
Crow: Play 'Woman woman woman woman woman!'
Tom (noticing a long mane of blonde hair flying in the foreground): What is that, an
animal from the Muppets in the front there? (As Animal)Wo-man!
Crow: Hey, Keanu Reeves on bass!
Mike (as Keanu, commenting on the bass player's wardrobe): Yeah, I would go to Count
Tom (noting one teen extra): I can dance AND chew gum.
Crow (singing): Lucas, McCain. Tha-at's his kid.
As the camera pans up to Red dancing overhead, a banner says 'Whiskey-a-Go-Go.'
Crow: Of course, the famous 'Whiskey-a-go-go,' in Hainesville.
Tom (to Red): Hey, wanna fix those pipes while you're up there?
Mike(noting the myraid shaking tassles on her outfit): Looks like a sea anemone.
Crow: A lab experiment gone horribly wrong!
Tom (noting the light skin tone): Oh, she's been bloodlet.
Crow (in Elvis mode): Good God! Step back! Kiss ma'self!
The camera then cuts back to the Beau Brummels playing.
Mike (with Beatles accent): I'm so embarassed, we all wore the same thing. I hope we're
Crow (as the camera pans across the band): Wow, we're really ugly, aren't we?
Tom (noting the drummer): He's got an Al Pacino look going on.
Mike (to drummer): Could you play with your mouth closed?
Crow (counting off like the drummer): And one, and two and three and-oh I lost it.
Tom (counting the beat): One-two-three-four!
Mike (pointing out one girl): Hey, it's Suzanne Sommers.(waving)Hi!
Tom (about the band): Which one's Beau?
Crow: Which one's Brummel?
Mike (as the drummer glances at the harmonica player): (sarcastically)Uh, don't sing with
Soon, the delinquent teens come into the Go-Go club.
Tom(as they enter): Your USC Trojans! (makes crowd roar sounds)
Mike: Oh, I thought 'The Fugs' were gonna be here.
Rick: Hey get a load of that Red-head up there, huh?
Crow (as Red): Hey, getting a load of me?
Tom (as Red shimmies): Iiiiii cccaaaaannnn'''ttt stop doing thiiiiisssss!!! Oooowhoa!
Mike (pointing to Rick): Hey, it's Christian sensation Grant Goody!
The Beau Brummels begin their next number, getting Merrie all excited.
Merrie(to Fred): Come on honey, let's dance!
Crow: Isn't there a movie in here somewhere?
Merrie pulls Fred onto the floor and the others begin to dance as well.
Tom (noting an Asian teenager behind Merrie): Hey, isn't that the Asian performing artist
who broke up the Beau Brummels?
The Beau Brummels begin to get into their song, 'Woman.'
Crow (looking at the back wall of the club): Hey, look back, it's a picture of 'The Master'
and his Wife! (Transcriber's note: This is in reference to the cult-film 'Manos: The
Hands of Fate.')
Crow (in response to the line in the song 'Why'd you want to cheat on me?'): Haaaave,
you looked in the mirror lately?
Tom (as the guitarist sings the word 'Woman'): Whaat?
Tom (as the guitarist sings the word 'Woman' again): Whaaaat!?
Mike (on the bass player's Keanu looks): Uh, that is most dubious, dude.
Crow (as bass player): My life is a lie!
As the band continues to play, suddenly the bass player sees something that causes him
to slow down, as well as shock several other people. The giant ducks have come in, and
started to watussi.
Teen Guy #1: Look at the size of those ducks, where'd they come from!?
Mike (imitating the teenager): Obviously, the turtle Gamera can't be far behind!
Teen Guy #2: Big!
Teen Girl #1: Wow, look at those ducks.
The ducks continue dancing along with the delinquent teens.
Tom: Now this is ridiculous!
Crow: Yeah. First of all, we're assuming they paid cover.
Tom: Yeah, where'd they get the money?
Mike: Maybe they put it on their 'bill.'
Tom and Crow: Doh, Ugh!
Crow (to Tom): Hit him!
Tom (singing): Big duck!
Crow (whose line of sight is right on Merrie): Eh, watch me take my eye off the ducks.
Tom (noting her clothes): Oh, I love hip-huggers, don't you?
Mike (as the camera zeroes in on Elsa's swinging behind): Hey, swing it, Lady Di!
Tom: It's better than the Gymcorp.
Crow (as the camera shows the duck swinging it's tailfeathers): 'Howard the Duck:
Behind the Green Door.'
Finally, Mike & Nancy come onto the scene, watching as the ducks dance among the
Crow (as Mike & Nancy enter): Hey, I didn't know it was 'big duck night' tonight!
Tom: You know, as into it as Bert I was with the 50's, he just didn't get the 60's.
Mike: Hey, those are my ducks!
Mike: Well get em' out of here!
The other teens crowd around, wanting to know more.
Harry: You're kidding, how did they get like that?
Teen Girl #2: They're so big and huge!
Teen Male #3: Oh, from Texas, huh?
Rick: Oh come on. (to the others)Shut up! (to Mike)Now come on, man, don't hand me
that. What happened to them? What's going on?
Crow (imitating Rick's tough-guy drawl): Whasgoinonarounhere?
Mike: Well, it's partly the result of an experiment.
Harry: Man, what a meal they'd make, huh?
Tom: (as if the ducks heard)Take it back! Take it back! (begins to make riled quacking
Harry (to Mike): What have you been feeding them?
Mike: Ahh, it's my secret. It's a million-dollar secret.
Crow (watching the ducks): Ah, strings. You can see the strings, call the SPCA!
Having run recon, Harry, and Rick report back to the others.
Fred: Hey, listen. Pete's got a great idea.
Pete: Harry asked the vital question: what they've been feeding those ducks?
Pete: Well, it's some sort of a food additive, obviously.
Rick: Well it couldn't be anything else, could it?
Mike (imitating Rick's tough-guy drawl): Whasgoinonarounhere?
Rick: They're keeping it a secret.
Harry: A million-dollar secret they said.
Jean: I like the sound of it.
Fred: Thought you'd like that.
Crow: Chicks love big ducks, it's basic.
Fred: Now, tell you what you're gonna do, it's gonna be very simple. Come on.
Tom (as Fred): Ok, first we get a lot of orange sauce, and some bas motti rice, some
Mike begins to corral the ducks up, leading them out the front door.
Mike (noting the duck's necks almost form a 'B'): Hard to form a 'B' when there's just two
of us, huh?
Nancy's House- Night
Genius is hard at work, still trying to mix the formula. Nearby, the giant Woof looks on.
Mike (as Woof): I'd offer to help, but the 'no thumbs' thing gets in the way, Opie.
Tom: He's starting to look pretty good to that dog right about now.
Mike (as Genius): Oh, what to do about Clint, hm?
Crow (as Woof): I really am big, aren't I?
Tom (watching Genius): Darkboy.
Mike: Look at him. The little kid, plotting against us with 'Willow.'
Crow: I liked 'Willow.'
Mike: Oh you like W-Kevin Pollack, you like that?
Crow: Point taken.
As Genius adds a chemical to what he's mixing, it explodes in his face, causing Woof to
Tom: Ah, he blew his hand up, it's funny!
Mike (on Genius, looking at his hands, dazed): Charlie, they took my thumbs.
Tom: The 'Ope' of Greenich Village.
Genius: Interesting, but not quite what we wanted.
Crow (noting the red splotches on Genius' shirt): (referencing JFK)Back, and to the left.
Tom & Crow: (as Genius pours more formula into a beaker, they both begin to panic,
before Tom makes an exploding sound).
Go-Go Club- NIGHT
Red is about to come down, but makes a small annoucnement.
Red: Ok, while the Beau Brummels take a break, it's record time.
Mike: Then it's time to collect for the Will Rogers Institute.
Crow (commenting on Red's dress): Make the fringe move!
The record starts to spin, and the couples move onto the floor to slow-dance.
Mike (in a Barry White tone): Oh yeah, we're gonna slow it down now, Babeh. Two-way
trey-crayon. What's that? Oh, that's French, Babeh, you were incredible.
Tom (singing to the rhythm of the music):Cherish is the woord, I use, to descriiibe.
Fred and Jean begin to make their move to get Nancy and Mike to spill the Goo's
location. Jean moves over to a booth where Mike is sitting.
Crow (as a 'perky' Jean): Um, can I torment you with my femininity?
Mike (pertly): Ees typical.
Jean takes a seat next to him.
Jean: Don't you want to dance?
Mike: Waiting for my girl.
Jean: 'Bird in the hand' they always say.
Crow (as Jean): I don't know what that means.
Jean: They say it's good for the figure-'the jerk.'
Mike: Must be.
Tom (as a 'confused' Jean): Wh-what? Huh?
Mike:How'd you get into town, anyway? The roads out.
Jean: We walked down, all the way from the slide.
Mike: Well, the small talk isn't really working, huh?
Mike: It's a long walk.
Jean: They say it's good for the legs.
Mike(on Mike's face): Mm-what?
Jean: That's what they say.
Crow(also on Mike's face): I don't really get it.
Fred has moved over to the nearby bar, to catch Nancy's eye.
Fred: One Coke, please.
Mike(as Bogart):Of all the disco techs in the world, why'd she have to come in here?
Fred: Thank you.
Tom (noting the paintings behind the bar): Glad to see that Satan's art is on sale.
Fred notices Nancy nearby, and decides to make his move.
Fred: Say uh, they got a pretty good crowd here tonight.
Crow (as Fred puts a glass with ice in Nancy's hand): Got ya' some ice.
Nancy: Uh, yes.
Fred: Here you are, honey.
Fred pops the cap off the Coke with his thumb.
Nancy: I never saw anyone do that before.
Mike (on seeing a couple walk by that look like Nell Fenwick and Dudley Do-right):
Wait up, Nell!
Fred: You got to have strong hands.
Nancy: I guess.
Fred: Muscles, are very important to me.
Nancy: Oh really?
Fred: Oh yeah.
Jean: What is it, some sort of vitamin?
Tom (as if it's '20 questions'): It knows where it's worked in the theatre?
Jean: The stuff that made the ducks grow like that.
Mike: Oh, yeah, that. Well, I guess you could, call it a vitamin if you wanted to.
Jean: Like a pill of something?
Mike: Yeah, yeah that's right.
Fred: No I-I spend a lot of my time keeping around sides of beef, my old man's in the
meat business in Los Angeles.
Nancy: Isn't that interesting?
Crow (taking her tone of voice): Goodbye!
Fred: Yeah. A 400-pound side of beef over your shoulder really does tighten up your
muscles, let me tell you.
Mike (as Nancy, tries to laugh along with Fred): Eh, that's funny. Help me!
Fred: Yeah, he's about the uh, 'biggest in the business' I guess. My old man, I mean.
Nancy: Oh, yes.
Fred: Y-yeah, you ought to see the size of his place, God.
Tom (as Fred): Yeah, he handles a lot of ground chuck and all.
Fred: Got an idea...
Mike (as Fred): Frankenstuff. You take a hot dog, and cram it full of-
Fred takes his and Nancy's drink, and sets them on the bar nearby.
Fred: You and I, are gonna dance, little lady.
Nancy: Uh, wait a minute.
Fred: Come on now, this is good music, this is the kind of stuff you don't like to dance to,
Mike (noting that Nancy is eye level with Fred's mouth): When did you get your teeth
Jean: I bet you've got it hidden away someplace.
Mike: Sure we do.
Jean: Like it's a secret?
Mike: Like it's a secret.
Tom (on Jean's pause): Wh-wha?
Jean: You wouldn't mind telling me, would you?
Mike (as Jean): Or have you already? I forgot.
Jean leans over and slightly kisses Mike.
Tom (pretending to be Mike, cracking under the kiss): Oh, uh, it's-hidden-in-my-closet-
Mike: I don't know, I'll have to think about that.
Jean kisses Mike again.
Crow (as Jean): Oh uh, let me kiss your nasal napial trough again.
Jean: Tell me?
Mike: Getting better. Almost made up my mind for me.
Fred: Hey uh, I just thought of something.
Nancy: You're supposed to be dancing, not thinking.
Fred: Yeah, I was just thinking, right? Now this stuff that you guys came up with, uh,
like you'll need some help won't ya?
Mike (noticing a girl walking around wearing a one-piece, holding a serving tray): Pants,
pants for sale. Who wants pants?
Nancy: Mike knows what he's doing.
Fred: Yeah but uh, in a hick-town like this, I mean if you knew somebody in town,
somebody in Los Angeles-
Crow(bombast matter-of-factly): Oh, Los Angeles.
Fred (cont'd):-somebody who really knows the business-
Nancy: Someone like you're old man.
Fred: Exactly, right, right!
Tom (noticing a guy in the background): Hey look, Dano!
Fred: I'd take him some of this stuff, see what I mean, and it would just be amazing what
this old man can do-
Nancy: I see exactly what you mean.
Jean is once again lip-locked with Mike.
Mike (as if she's speaking French): Bees? Yes, quite.
Mike: Just one more time, and I think I'll make up my mind.
Jean pulls Mike in for a longer kiss.
Jean: There. We got a deal?
Crow (as Mike): Well, throw in the tongue and we gotta deal.
Jean: You gonna tell me?
Mike: The price is about right.
Tom (watching Mike's movements as if he were a docking shuttle): (as Mission
control)Drifting to the right a little, drifting up and back, pull forward, pull forward,
Mike leans in and kisses Jean.
Tom (as Mission Control): Payload drop.
Mike: But you're just a shade too eager, to pay it.
Mike gets up and walks away, leaving Jean looking a bit disgusted.
Mike (as Jean): I've just been rejected by Tommy Kirk, I can't get any lower than this.
Fred: Now, come on the level, honey, now come on I'm trying to do something for ya, I
wanna help ya.
Crow (as Fred): I could introduce you to my brother Jeff.
Fred: Why? I guess it's just because I can't resist helping somebody I like that's all. And,
uh, you: I like. It's as simple as that.
Tom (noting another look-a-like teen in the back): Hey, it's Alan Arkin!
Crow (imitating Arkin): Uh, what am I doing dancing here, I don't know.
Nancy: What about your girlfriend, what's-her-name?
Fred: Who, Merrie? Oh come on baby, she's not my girlfriend, she's, uh, she's one of the
group that's all. One of the group.
Crow (noting the reddish tint in the background): It's like dancing near a collapsed star.
Nancy tries to slowly back away, but Fred pulls her closer.
Mike (noting Fred's 'curled' hand): Oh, Beau, Beau, the hand thing isn't working, Beau!
Fred: Come here. Suppose, suppose you and I take that stuff into Los Angeles, together.
Just the two of us just you-
Tom (as Fred): Doodling cardigans.
Fred (cont'd): -and m-
By now, Mike's walked over, giving Fred the 'evil eye.'
Fred: Mike, baby. Listen, we were just, it's amazing we were just talking about this stuff
that you just-
Mike: Beat it.
Fred quietly walks away, as Mike begins to dance with Nancy.
Crow: He ALLOWED himself to be threatened by Tommy Kirk!
Tom(as a blonde roams in front of camera, looking): Hi I'm the adult child of an alcoholic
and I've got great, great cards.
Mike (as Horsey maenuvers Red around, her hair looking like a red targeting mark): (like
a gun sound)Paw paw paw paw paw!
Horsey: How do you like those ducks?
Crow(as Horsey, regretting his line): Uh, good line. Stupid! Stupid!
Tom (as Horsey): Oh, um, uh.
Red: Barbecued, that's how I like them.
CITY PARK: AFTERNOON
The teen population is out and about the city park, where it seems that Mike and Nancy
have taken Red's advice.
The two huge ducks are being roasted and served to the teenage community.
Tom (on the quick cut from night to afternoon): Wahah, thanks for providing the
Mike: The naked barbs of Paul Prudhomme gets roasted on a stick!
Pete and Harry are helping to roast one, as Fred, Merrie & Elsa look on. Meanwhile,
Mike & Nancy serve up the other duck to the other townsfolk.
Fred(to Merrie): Boy, that's a big enough duck for you, eh?
Merrie: Ohh, big duckie!
Crow(imitating Merrie's happy mood): Hahehe, hahehe, it's fun to kill things!
Fred: Yeah, looks pretty good, eh?
Tom (giving voice to a girl in a white bikini nearby):I dreamed I was standing by a big
dead duck in my underwear.
Merrie: I wonder how big, honey, the wishbone is.
Fred: Come great strong warriors, turn almighty duck!
Harry: Yeah, you like this, huh?
Pete: Big bird, huh?
Mike (noting a teen): Hey it's Agnes Moorehead holding a bunch of balloons.
Tom (noting all the girls around in bikinis): Welcome to 'Bunland: Flesh capital of the
Crow: I guess this village has no parents.
Mike(as Red, talking to Horsey): I know you're fond of 'The Riflemen,' but take that hat
off it doesn't work anymore.'
Crow (noting Mike's slicked-up hair): Tommy's hair gets higher with every scene.
Mike: And so does Tommy.
Tom (as Nancy serves a piece of duck to Georgette): Now I-a told you esoup, and don't
try the buffet, ok?
Crow(as Mike): Hey you gotta work for it. We're a-we're carving a duck, ok?
Tom (noting Red's squinty-eyed resemblence to Frankenstein's Bride): (gasp)She lives!
Mike: Oh sure, the meat from the mutated duck has no side effects.
Horsey: You guys find a place to sleep?
Rick: Hmm? Uh, yeahyeahyeah, we're uh, we're campin' out at the old theatre.
Mike(imitating Rick's swagger) Ah,what's goin' on aroun here?
Horsey: It's-good a place as any, I guess.
Rick(ignoring him): Uh,yeah.
Mike(still imitating Rick): Yeah, whatever.
Crow(as Mike, turning to tell him off): Hey man.
Mike: You know what we're doing? We're making history.
Nancy: And eating it, too!
Crow: You mean we're having history instead of potatoes? Mmm!
Nancy: Where's the 'Boy Wonder?'
Mike: He's trying to figure out how to make some more Goo.
Mike(voicing a nearby teen with sunglasses): The President wants his duck. Put it on the
Tom (as the kid with sunglasses gets his duck): That's right. Back away.
Nearby, Horsey is engaged in eating a giant drumstick.
Tom (as Horsey): Num-num, Papier-mache, Num!
Soon afterward, Genius comes biking into the area.
Crow (singing to the tune of the Wicked Witch's theme): Opie Opie O-pie,Opie Opie O-
Mike: Man, the paperboy will find you anywhere to collect, huh?
As he gets off his bike, he pulls out a small jar, with what looks to be more of the 'Goo.'
However, it suddenly contracts into nothingness inside the jar.
Tom: Jell-o, 3-2-1.
Laying nearby sunning herself, Elsa is watching him.
Genius: This time I was sure I had it. That's a very elusive formula.
Elsa: Had what, kiddo?
Mike (as Genius): and ah didn't steal no bike, either.
Genius: I prefer to be called 'Genius,' if you don't mind.
Elsa: Ok, 'Genius,' no offense.
Tom (as Genius): None taken.
Elsa: What formula?
Genius: For the Goo. There's not much of it and they want me to make some more. But
it's not easy.
Elsa: Why don't we-
Crow (as Elsa): Do it in the road?
Elsa(cont'd): -go for a walk, 'Genius?' I'll buy you an ice cream cone.
Genius: I never touch it, it's high in cholesterol, but I'll go for a walk with you.
Elsa and Genius walk off.
Tom: Wow, Opie shoots he SCORES!
Mike & Nancy are down in the basement.
Mike & the Bots: (All sigh and groan at the tiny shorts Mike is wearing)
Mike: Oh no, it's Tommy Kirk in little pants!
Nancy: They were trying pretty hard to find out about the Goo, weren't they?
Mike: Guess they can smell a profit.
Tom: Tommy Kirk discussing 'Goo' makes me very uncomfortable.
Mike: Yeah, look at his hair.
Mike searches for a place to stash the Goo. Going into Genius' laboratory, he gets the
jar containing what's left, and places it inside a nearby wodden cabinet, which he
attaches a padlock to.
Mike: Guess this ought to be safe enough.
Crow (as Mike): Now let's go scare everyone with my thighs!
Suddenly, the sound of glass crashing can be heard.
Crow: Oops, sorry.
Nancy: What did you break?
Nancy: Didn't you break something?
Mike (as if Mike is trying to ignore her): Shut up, you're suffocating me!
Mike: Wasn't that you?
Suddenly, a giant shadow falls over Nancy.
Tom (as a guitar chord plays across the scene he begins to sing): It's been a haard, daaays,
As she screams, we see a giant spider by the basement stairwell, enlarged from some of
Crow: Ricky Stardust.
Mike grabs a pitchfork and tries to stab at it, to which the spider growls back at him.
Crow (as Mike holding pitchfork): Get off ma' land ya' dang smoochers!
Tom: Oh please put some pants on Tommy!
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: Oh, well I guess you can't prove when they're really that big they don't growl.
Crow (retorting): I liked 'Willow.'
As it slowly advances, Mike jumps up onto some overhead pipes.
Tom: Jim Kotta-oh, wow!
Mike & Crow (making snivelling sounds as Mike's small shorts swing into view)
Nancy runs and grabs some bugspray, trying to kill the spider.
Crow: Strong enough for a Spider, but made for a Woman.
Mike: Put that fool thing down.
Mike (as Nancy): Well I'm sorry, I guess I should be supporting WHATEVER THE
HELL YOU'RE DOING!!
Mike begins to knock at some overhead pipes, finally causing one to break, raining
water down on the basement floor.
Tom: Wow, this is almost, 'Mcguyver-isk!'
Nancy is still using the bugspray.
Crow: Why is she spray-painting the spider?
Mike: Get off the ground, get up the stairs, get up the wet floor!
Mike (as Nancy): Get, stairs, up, off, wet.
As Nancy heads for the stairwell, Mike grabs an overhead cord with a lightbulb on the
Mike: Oh, I get it.
Mike breaks the bulb, and throws the cord into the water, electrocuting the giant spider.
The giant beast cries in pain, and then dies.
Crow: Ah, pure 'I Gordon!'
Tom: Ah, roasted Spider.
Mike: And everyone gets a leg!
Mike: Don't go near the water, it's deadly! It's charged!
Tom (off Nancy's panicked face): Make it go away, Tommy!
Crow (as the spider dies, in a deep voice): You killed him. You killed the spider.
Mike tries to get some leverage, and then makes a jump towards the stairwell.
However, he doesn't quite make it, and begins to fall back onto the elctric floor.
Tom (as Mike): Heh, my plan worked perfect-ahl, no oh!
In a flash, Nancy pulls the handle on the nearby fusebox, shutting off the power. Mike
comes down into the water, now perfectly safe.
Mike: Oh, fortunately, his little terry top soaks up the mess.
Mike: You all right?
Nancy: Well, that's a fool-question to ask.
Mike: Well, are you?
Crow (to Nancy): Turn it back on!
Nancy: Well, sure. Just-just scared is all.
Mike: You don't have to be, not with me around. (noting the water flooding the floor)I
like the pool better. Just gotta find that valve.
Crow: I reject Tommy Kirk and all his works.
Tom: (starts singing an old television show tune, as we see Nancy's house, he stops as
soon as Tommy steps outside in his little shorts, alongside Nancy)Oh God!
Tom (commenting on the terry top slung over Kirk's bare chest): Dear shirt, we have your
Mike & Nancy leave the house. As they walk away, Fred emerges from some nearby
bushes, and walks around to the back of the house, followed by Rick, Pete & Harry.
Mike: The yard gnomes come to life!
Crow: Very, very, white-collar crime.
Behind the house, the girls are waiting by the basement window.
Tom: Now we'll just meet the-(realizing the girls are there)Uh hey, you're already here!
Fred gestures, and Pete jimmies the lock on the basement window.
Mike (as Pete) Oh, I've been dying to get in here and clean this basement!
Crow (with a Fargo accent): Oh, yah know I heard he's on the window pain, no.
Crawling through the window, he turns on a flashlight, and begins to look for the Goo.
Tom: The 'Johnson teen door,' so your teen can get in and out easily.
Crow (like a cat): Meow, Meow, uh.
Mike: Look outside, it's daylight again!
Tom: The Ventures are down here somewhere.
Mike (as Pete looks left): Huh, big dead spider, huh.
Mike: He is so close to being Billy Mumy.
Tom (on seeing a gumball machine): MOM!?? Mother!? Oh, Mother! Ohoh, it's her!
Pete examines a red vial.
Crow: Drink it!
Pete puts it back down.
Tom: Well, enough window shopping better get at it. It's starting to get dark again.
Horsey and Red are sitting by the fountain, as Mike Clifford croons his song 'Marianne,'
to a couple of swooning girls nearby.
Tom (as Mike C. croons the name 'Marianne') The professor, too!
Crow: This part is very true to the H.G. Wells book.
Tom (noting a swooning girl): she is self-consciously dreamy.
Mike (as Mike C turns his head to look at the girls): I-ah! How long have you been there?
Crow (noting the swaying): Boy, being a back-up dancer was easy back then.
Tom (as we see Horsey next to Red): Yep, Chuck Connors pretty much said I was the
best kid actor alive, ever.
Pete has found the wood cabinet.
Crow: Uh, he probably wouldn't be as stupid to hide in here, but I'll check.
Getting through the lock, he opens the door, and removes the bottle with the Goo in it.
Crow: Hey, he saved the cartilege from his knee surgery.
Tom: Good gravy! Great goo!
Walking back into the laboratory, he hands the bottle to Rick outside.
Mike (as Pete): There you go, that'll be a buck forty-nine. Thanks for stopping by.
He's just about to leave when he spies a gumball machine nearby.
Crow (as Pete moves from the window): Uh, yeah, I'l grab some steaks out of the freezer
Unable to resist, he goes to the gumball machine, puts in a coin, and turns the handle.
Tom (to Pete, as he fiddles with the gumball machine): Don't-don't you touch! She
cannot be bought for pocket change! What? What-what? Mom! (the gumball comes out)
She put out for a nickel!! I have no mother! (sobbing)
Popping it in his mouth, he then backs up: straigth into Genius' burglar alarm. The
bear trap closes with a snap on Pete's leg, as he cries out in pain.
Crow: Well, looks like he'll have to cut his foot off with his penknife.
Pete: AAARRRGGHHH!! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
An alarm noise sounds, and a fuse lights something. Soon, the sky outside is lit with
Tom (singing): Lo-ove, love, looove!
The teens take notice of the sudden fireworks show.
Mike (singing): On that star-spangled night.
Red: What on Earth?
Crow (sarcastic): Apparently it was rain!
Horsey: What goes on up there?
Mike (singing): It's a staaar, a staaar, shining in.
Genius: That's my burglar alarm. Works fine doesn't it?
Genius: (suddenly realizing) The burglar alarm!?
Mike, Nancy, Horsey & Red run off with Genius taking the lead, back to the house.
Tom: (singing fast-paced action music)
The delinquent teens have just gotten the bear trap off Pete's foot.
Mike (noting the girl's outfits) What kind of a dress-code does this town have?
Crow: A good one.
Fred: Hey come on, let's get out of here! Come on!
Running around to the front, they encounter our heroes and some other teens.
Mike: Oh, seeing Tommy Kirk in shorts would make me back off too.
Mike walks up, holding out his hand, wanting the Goo returned.
Tom: Come on, surrender 'the pink.' Come on.
The delinquents just smile, passing it amongst themselves.
Mike: It's just fruit-fly medium.
Tom (noting that the delinquents keep passing it around with no vocals): What are they, a
mime troupe all of a sudden?
Mike (talking Fred's actions): Uhm, uh, Hmm, uh...Whoa, where'd it go? Uh, huhuh!
Suddenly, Mike grabs ahold of Fred and the two begin to wrestle on the ground.
Crow (as Mike's top come down): You made my shirt a bra!
Mike (as Fred winds up for a punch): I love you.
Tom: You know, those grass stains will never come out.
Tom (noting a familiar teen movie patron in the background): Hey, Jim Begg!
Merrie holds onto the Goo, watching the whole spectacle, until Red runs at her, trying
to wrest the jar from her hands. It suddenly goes flying to the ground, and all the teens
dogpile for it.
Nancy's House- Night
The fight is now over, Horsey and Mike are laying around, their energy spent, as Nancy,
Red & Genius look on.
Red: Well, they sure don't make em' like they used to.
Nancy: No stamina at all.
Mike: Who won?
Horsey: We did. Don't we always?
Mike: Yeah, that's uh-(suddenly realizing) who got the Goo?
Genius: They got it. One of them ran off with it. I was going to stop him, but-
Nancy: But what?
Genius: Reasons of pure logic: he was bigger than me.
Tom: (giving a drum role and cymbal crash) Duh-dum-chi!
Horsey: Holy smoldering crawdads.
Crow: Well, at least Tommy's terrytop is intact.
Genius: Don't worry, as soon as I find the formula, I'll simply make some more.
Mike: Just hope you can.
Genius: Sure I can, there's nothing to it. Just a matter of perserverence.
Hainesville Theatre- NIGHT
The teens are sitting around on the stage, as Rick is in the corner, trying to get the
stagelights to come up right.
Mike (as Rick): Uh, lightswitch-game, huh?
Crow: Huh, this guy went to Peter Bruck acting school.
Mike (as Rick pulls another light): That-one.
Tom: Heh, put a shell on him, and he's a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
Soon, he has some success.
Rick: And then there was light.
Crow: Hmm, I thought God would dress better.
Rick: Man, while that lasted it was a pretty good rumble.
Merrie: Anyone get hurt?
Mike (as Merrie): Besides me losing my brain.
Fred is holding his face, but quickly stops.
Fred: Ah no, uh, two more minutes and I'd have flattened him.
Elsa: Okay, now we got it. What're we gonna do with it?
Pete: We get rich, that's what we do with it.
Tom: I know, let's do a production of 'Our Town!'
Harry comes over, having taken the Goo out of the jar.
Harry: H-hey, I wonder if this makes, everything grow, huh? Ha-ha.
Jean: You mean like, um, plants, and, things?
Pete: No, I don't think that's what he means at all.
Fred: Hey, don't be a jerk, huh?
Crow: Too late!
Harry: what's the matter Fred? Running scared?
Georgette: Yeah, he's scared.
Fred: No, I just got more sense is all.
Harry: You always said you wanted to be a big man, now's your chance (chuckles)!
Mike (As Fred): Uh hahahaha. I see what you mean, Harry.
Pete: Yeah, a real big man.
Harry: (chuckles) Unless you're scared.
Merrie: Show him Fred. Show him that you're not no chicken.
Fred: (to Merrie) Hey, will you cut it out?
Tom: It's the 'Reader's Theatre' version of 'Noises Off.'
Rick: Hey yeah yeah, that's a wild idea, man.
Mike (mumbling like Rick)
Pete & Harry: (laughing)
Fred: Yeah , that's what you think I am, 'chicken,' huh?
Merrie: Are you?
Jean: Merrie? Are you out of your mind?
Rick has taken the Goo and is now walking over, making like he's gonna take a bite of it,
to which Fred suddenly jumps up, enraged.
Fred: Hey, will you cut it out, and leave it alone, huh!?
Rick: Listen to me, Freddy-boy, if I want to try some of this stuff just don't you try and
stop me, understand? You're some kind of, coward.
Fred: Wh-ar-are you trying to prove something, huh, is that it?
Mike (Stuttering like Fred, and sounding like Jimmy Stewart): A-a-a-are ya trying' ta
Rick: Yeah. I'm trying to prove you're all talk. All talk, and no performance.
Crow (whispering to the others): Oh, he's trying to weed out the spies.
Tom & Mike: Oh, the spies, the spies..
Tom (watching the silent others): The rest of the herd awaits the outcome.
Elsa: Pete, you better do something.
Mike (as Elsa): Like give me the rest of my of my outfit?
Pete: No, why should I? This'll be very interesting.
Fred: Yeah, yeah eh-you want to try some of it, huh?
Pete: I will if you will.
Merrie: Mm-mm, you're on the spot, lover.
Merrie: Shut up.
Fred: Alright give me your knife, huh? Come on.
Tom: (mumbling like Rick)
Mike: (mumbling like Rick also) Knife, huh, yeah.
Rick pulls out his knife, and offers the Goo and the knife to Fred.
Crow (as the knife flashes open): Whoa!
Mike (as Rick): I'm gonna MOON you, man.
Fred: Let's see there's uh, two, four six, eight of us. That's eight pieces.
Fred places the Goo on a nearby bed, and begins to cut it into sections.
Crow (like a mother): Oh, oh no, not on the waterbed kids, no.
Fred (counting to himself) two, three, four, five.
Tom: Oh dear, make mine half that big.
Mike: Oh, I shouldn't have any at all I've eaten soo much over the holidays.
Crow: Oh, it all looks soo good.
Tom: I'm gonna eat my dessert first.
Elsa: Not me Fred, heh, count me out.
Crow (as Elsa): I ate a couple of days ago.
Pete: You too honey, just like the rest of us.
Fred: We all take it. (offering a piece to Elsa)Well come on take it.
Elsa reluctantly takes her piece.
Mike (as Elsa): Well I usually have it on a RyKrisp.
Fred: And nobody chickens out, alright? Nobody!
Fred walks over to Rick and Jean, noting that they're just eyeing their pieces.
Tom (as Fred): Well?
As if to prove that he's in charge, Fred quickly gulps his piece down, and walks by.
Mike: Ha, you ate it, you fell for it!
Jean and Rick look at each other, shrug, and then feed each other their pieces.
Tom: Oh, just get a room!
Merrie giddily takes a bite of hers.
Crow (as Merrie): Ehhehe, will my melanoma grow too?
Pete: Well eat it honey, don't be scared.
Pete eats his piece and walks off. Elsa very cautiously puts her piece into her mouth,
Crow (singing an old diddy): 'Figurines, does a lady proud, it's the diet lunch that you can
crunch out, looouuuudd.'
Suddenly, she begins to grow.
Tom: Well, you know girls at that age grow very quickly.
As a shirt she was wearing falls from her hand, there's a sudden RIPPING sound, as her
bikini top falls off. Gasping, she quickly covers her breasts, as she continues to grow, the
last of her clothing finally ripping.
Crow (as Elsa): Oh, it went right to my hips.
Merrie has finished eating her piece. Smacking her lips she smiles, until she feels a bit
Tom (noting the look on Merrie's face): Hee, it's tasty and it makes me tan and stuff!
Looking down, suddenly the buttons on her baby-blue top begin to pop off!
Mike (observing part of Merrie's cleavage): I forgot to wear a bra!
Gasping, her top then rips off, causing her to also cover her own chest. Arms crossed,
she looks around at the shrinking theatre stage, a bit in awe and in shock.
Tom (as Merrie begins to grow): Wow, the Maidenformless woman. You never know
where she'll turn up.
Fred rips through his shirt finally, and also begins to grow. Looking around, he's also
as unsure as the girls.
Crow (as Beau takes a deep breath): The ravaging effects of Osglow Slaughter's Disease!
Mike: Beau knows acting.
Crow: Yeah, well now he's the Brawny paper towel guy.
Elsa and Merrie also look around, surveying their now enormous friends.
Tom: Geez, we could have won the war with these kids!
Pete just smiles at the situation, until realizing that he's naked! He quickly reaches for
a stage flat and covers himself up.
Mike(as Pete): This is great-oh, I didn't grow porportionately!
Tom: Ohh, no.
Some of the other teenagers follow suit. Elsa removes a hand, and covers herself with
some stage curtains, blushing.
Crow: Well, she's really got her hands full.
Mike (listening to the music getting louder): The horn section's growing too.
Tom: (begins to sing along with the horn section)
Jean uses a piece of red material nearby.
Tom (as Jean): The first thing we do is get ourselves to Lane Bryant.
Merrie covers herself with some white stage curtains.
Harry: (to Merrie)Wh-what's the matter hotshot, don't you like your new size?
Mike: Shut up, little weird guy.
Merrie: I was big enough before.
Harry: Huh-look what happened to us. And all these girls can think of is their...modesty!
Tom (observing Harry): Well, please take a moment and consider your own modesty.
Merrie: Fred...Fred, what have we done!?
Tom (also wanting an answer): Well?
Fred: Well whatever it is,we're stuck with it.
Harry: 'Stuck with it.' So why don't we make the most of it? It's gonna make a
Crow: I hope they eat him first.
Rick: Yeah. I was just thinkin.' Wait til' my old man gets, 'tough' with me again, huh?
Mike: But he probably won't because you're big.
Jean: We-we're freaks, Rick.
Tom: All girls have a tough enough time dating.
Harry: Maybe we are, but you just wait'll the next guy asks me for my I.D. Card, Oh,
Pete: Yeah, now maybe it won't be so easy for them to kick us around anymore.
Pete: The adults, honey.
Pete: This isn't their world anymore, it's gonna be ours!
Rick: Yeah, we'll turn the tables on them.
Mike (noting the confused look on Jean's face): Uh, what?
Rick: Come on, let's split, and have some fun, huh?
All guys: Yeah!
Fred: Yeah let's get out of here, huh?
Merrie: But I don't have anything to wear!
Crow: We knooow.
Fred: Be my guest.
Fred notices a basket full of large amounts of different kinds of materials. He reaches
in and pulls a handful out.
Tom (referencing Beau's giant arm): Eegah!
Fred begins to rain the material down around Jean, who is now overjoyed at being able
to have something to wear.
Mike (as Jean): Uh, it's stuff that I'm happy about!
Mike's House- NIGHT
Genius is hard at work in his laboratory, trying to make more Goo. As he works, Woof
Tom: Ponds & Opie.
Crow: He tampered in God's domain.
Mike (noting Woof): Ugh, dog breath, and lots of it.
Tom (as Genius): Hm, Aunt Bea's got diabetes.
Town Square- NIGHT
The teenagers are still milling around.
Mike (as teens): Why are we here?
The teens suddenly look up, noticing the now giant delinquents. The men have made
themselves toga-like outfits, and the girls look like giant harem dancers. As they arrive,
the music stops.
Crow: Hey, it's 'up with people!'
Mike & Tom: (laugh)
Mike: This is Davis Duke's dream.
Merrie (whispering to Fred): See how small they are, Fred?
The teens just mill around underfoot.
Tom (wondering why nothing's happening): Well?
Tom (as farmer): Hm, giants look pretty good this year, huh?
Mike (noting the striped shirt Horsey's wearing): Hey, Where's Waldo?
Crow: Should, uh, someone mention they're big?
Fred: Hey, now what happened to the music? Let's wail!
Merrie: Yeah, come on, let's dance.
As if on cue, the music starts up again, and the town's teens watch the 30 foot giants
gyrating and dancing to the deep bass rhythms.
Tom: Oh, wow.
Mike (in standoffish-tone): Oh, they think they're so big!
Crow: Their giant hinders will kill us!
Tom: Oh, man.
Mike (as news reporter): Giant hinders are approaching the city.
Crow (noting the slow-motion dancing): So, there was ecstasy in the Jell-o stuff?
Tom: I think so.
Mike (noting Merrie's dancing): She likes her job.
Crow: I like her job too.
Tom (on the close-up of Merrie's breasts): Whoa! One of those could take out the whole
Mike(as the camera pans down to Merrie's navel): Tummy.
Tom: Laaarge, laaarge, biiiig, laaarge.
Mike (as Merrie shimmies and exposes some cleavage): Oh now it's almost like that's
The camera now pans around Jean. Soon, it's eye-line with her stomach.
Crow: Huh, you could probably stick your head right in her navel.
Mike, Oh, don't think I haven't thought of that.
Tom: (begins to rock to the heavy drum beats)
Tom (noting Jean's movements): Go have a fling with the Happy Chef.
Crow (as the camera pans up to Jean's chest): You know, I'm starting to suspect this
might be padding.
Tom: Oh nonono-
Mike: That's real.
Mike (noting the looks of the other teens watching): May I cut in?
Tom (back on the dancing): Wow, huh?
Crow (as Merrie swings her head): Oh, my neck. Ow!
Tom: What big, giant, pig-nosed teeners.
Mike (as Fred begins to shake): Aw, men shouldn't shimmy!
Crow: Especially 50-foot Beau Bridges.
Tom: Boy, getting huge didn't give em' anymore rhythm, did it?
Mike (noting Merrie's complexion): Just think, now that girl looks like leather, smells
like Marlboros and Giorgio, and makes her grandchildren call her by her first name.
Crow (pretending to be an aged Merrie): Come here, give Rosie a kiss.
As Fred and Merrie dance, she pulls him close and whispers something to him.
Crow (on the static crowd looking up, again): Man. They're big.
Tom (on Merrie's expressive dancing to the crowd): Heh, this one gets em' everytime.
Mike (as Merrie): Don't hate me cause' I'm giant.
She then kneels down til she's eye-level with the crowd.
Tom ( on Horsey's reaction): Gulp.
Merrie then plucks Horsey up. She then holds him close to her bosom, causing Horsey to
cling to her enormous bra straps.
Tom: Uh, Susan I think we should see other people! Whoa!
Crow: Whew, glad that's not me. I'd hate it.
Mike: First base is LARGER than I remember!
Tom: Boy, if she hugs anybody, it'll kill him.
Mike (as Merrie shakes with her mouth open): Ohwawa-ohwawa-ohwawa!
Mike (as we see Horsey still hanging on): Be careful what you wish for!
Tom (on yet ANOTHER crowd shot): Uh, think they'd mind if we all left?
Mike: Giant teens should have really thought out their reign of terror.
Tom (noticing Fred's slow-motion clapping): (in slow motion)Yyyyeeeaaaahhhhh...
Crow (as Horsey still hanging on): I'd love to see you again sometime!
Tom: How come Glen Manning wasn't this much fun?
Crow (commenting on Horsey): Urban cowboob.
Tom: This should be over now.
Tom (as an old man commenting): Uh this is all fun for now, but they're still gonna have
to go back to college come the fall.
Mike (as the music winds down): Can this be over? Please be over.
Finally, Mike has had enough of the spectacle.
Mike(on the crowd): N-uh, I'm gonna get going.
Crow: Sure, they're big and stuff, but it gets old.
Mike: Hey Fred, tell her to put him down.
Tom (doing slo-mo laugh)Mwuh-huh-huuh.
Losing his patience, Mike grabs a nearby chair and smashes it against one of Fred's
Crow (as Mike): I'll harm you!
Mike & the Bots: (laugh)
Mike: Tell her to put him down or I'll beat the daylights out of ya!
Fred backhands Mike, sending him sprawling into some nearby bushes, as Nancy runs
to help him.
Mike & the Bots (as Mike is backhanded): Yes! Heheh. Alright. Yeah!
Tom(noting Nancy running to Mike's side): Hey, she's going after his wallet.
Merrie playfully puts Horsey back down.
Mike (as Horsey): I'm not done!
Tom (as Mike rubs his behind): I stubbed my shorts.
Mike is still reeling from his jolt.
Crow (as Nancy, talking about Mike's shorts): The time has come for pants, Mike.
Fred: Hey now, uh, let's cut it out, huh? I mean you little guys are taking this all wrong,
we're on your side.
Tom: Whose turn is it for the breast ride?
Fred: All of us against the adults. Now how about that, huh? We're taking over them.
And you regular guys are gonna be part of this, we're just gonna help you.
Horsey: Yeah, well what if we don't want to be a part of it?
Fred: How can you say that, I mean, haven't they kicked you around long enough?
Horsey: Maybe we don't like your club either!
Fred: You're in it anyway.
Mike (as Fred): Look, free breast rides and we'll waive the membership fees.
Fred: Hey listen, you have nothing to worry about. Because when we've taken over,
Horsey: Oh I'm already worried, I'm worried about how funny you really are.
Tom (commenting on Horsey's stance): Hecklers.
Horsey: 'We take over,' huh? Why you're just trying to trade places with them is all. It's
the same result, if you had any brains you'd see that!
Tom: How very 'animal farm-ist.'
Rick: Hey man, this guy's a lousy rebel.
Mike: And he'll never ever be, any good.
Fred: Yeah, uh, look uh, whether you like or not little man, we're just gonna have to show
you what's good for you, that's all. What's good for all of us teenagers. Hm?
Mike: Now pray to my satin tap-pants!
Suddenly, a siren is heard, and the Sheriff's car rolls into view, lights flashing. The
Sheriff and his deputy then step out of the car oblivious to the giant teens right next to
Mike and the Bots: (make wailing noise like the police car siren that sounds as the Sheriff
Crow: Oh no, Glen Super's here.
Sheriff: Alright kids, listen. I've received a lot of complaints by the telephone that there's
just a little too much noise, now-
Deputy: Sheriff. I think I'm seeing things.
Sheriff: Yeah, I'm seeing em' but I don't like em.' (back to crowd)Now everbody go
back, go home, and-
Deputy: Sheriff. Up there.
Sheriff: Why can't you take care of things-
For the first time, the Sheriff finally looks to his right and sees the giant teens.
Mike (as if the giants just appeared out of thin air): Boing.
Sheriff: For crying out loud, now what's this?
Mike (as Deputy): A big giant teen, sir?
Deputy: Your guess is as good as mine.
Sheriff: Listen I don't pretend to understand what's going on around here.
Tom (pretending the giants can't hear him): What? Speak up!
Sheriff: But it's just been brought to my attention that the theatre was broken into last
Tom (still pretending): Huh!?
Sheriff: -and I got a pretty good idea who did the breaking in too.
Mike (as Sheriff): Cause' there wasn't one roll of toilet paper left!
Sheriff: I want you to go back to the theatre and wait there.
Fred: Why don't you shut up and go home, Sheriff?
The other teens chuckle and giggle at this.
Crow(as the Sheriff, with hurt feelings): You didn't have to say that.
Sheriff: Now listen you do like I say you go back and wait there for me, do you
understand, is that clear?
Jean: Anything you say Sheriff, you're the boss.
Harry: Unless, how long do you think it would take me to bend that rifle around your
Tom(as Sheriff): Alright that's it, get in the car, son!
Merrie: Or why don't we just step on them? Both of them!(giggles)
Mike & the Bots: (giggling like Merrie)
Rick: Yeah, why don't I do that? I never did like the 'fuzz' and that old-
Mike & the Bots: (grumbling along with Rick)
Fred: Ok, man, ok, ok. Hm?
Fred places a hand on Rick's chest to get him to calm down.
Mike (as Rick): Don't touch my bare chest, Beau.
Mike(to Sheriff): Sure, Sheriff, there's no problem.
Rick (to Fred): Still a coward, eh?
Pete: Do like he says, Rick. Leave him alone. Let's get back.
Rick(to Pete): (huffs) You little-
Tom (as Fred): Okay, Sheriff, we've given your idea a lot of thought, we've decided to
step on you.
Fred: Now Sheriff, listen, you-you really are, a big man. At least uh, you were until we
came. Uh-but-uh, like you say-
Crow (pretending to be the staring crowd): Boy, they're big!
Crow: Still big.
Fred (continued): -we'll go right back to the theatre. No guns you have to worry about,
Mike:(still noting the crowd's look, as the giant's leave): Eh, they're big.
Crow (noting the rather calm crowd): Well, uh, bye then. Bye.
Tom (as cranky adult): Everytime we get big people through here there's trouble, isn't
Crow (as Sheriff looks around): Ok, show of hands, who wet em?'
Tom (as deputy): I wet mine and yours, sir.
Sheriff: Mike, you Ok?
Mike: Sure, sure, I just feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.
Mike (As Sheriff): Would some pants help, son?
Nancy: Oh, Mike.
On the theatre stage, the girls are going about their morning routines. Elsa is primping
herself in the dressing mirror, now so small she's holding it with one hand as she teases
her hair with the other. Jean is using the now spoon-sized mirror to check her own
blonde locks, while Merrie looks over the very-small copies of 'Teen' magazine they have.
As she shows an article to Jean, Fred comes in.
Crow(as Ed Sullivan): Tonight right here on our stage, rrreally big shew, big-big-big-big-
Tom: They wanted to do little women, but they can't!
Mike: They're big.
Fred: How'd you sleep honey? You get a good rest?
Merrie: Mm-hm! But Fred, what's gonna happen to us?
Mike: We'll probably get drafted by 'the Cab.'
Fred: I don't know, uh, as long as it lasts, I guess we'll have to live with it.
Outside the theatre, the Sheriff and Mike lead a group of men down the town square area
to right outside the theatre's doors.
Mike & the Bots (singing): We hate you Coonraaad, oh yes we dooo!
Sheriff: Let me do the talking.
As they arrive outside the theatre, the Sheriff holds up his hand.
Tom (as Sheriff): Whoa, wait a minute men, this is a studio lot.
Sheriff: I want the rest of you men to wait here.
The Sheriff then enters the theatre with Mike.
Inside the theatre, all the teens have gathered together on the stage.
Rick: Hello, freaks.
Crow (as Jean): W-wha?
Harry: They're coming. Mike and the Sheriff. He's got a gun.
Red: A gun?
Pete: No sweat, it's been taken care of.
Crow (noticing Harry's extended legs): I shaved my legs.
Harry (to Rick) You get her?
Harry: Where is she?
Rick: Out of sight.
Fred: Hey now what is happening!?
Pete: You'll see.
Rick: We got ourselves some 'insurance.'
Elsa: I'm hungry too. What's for breakast?
Fred: Sheriff, on toast.
All teens: (chuckling)
Mike and the Sheriff enter from one of the doorways, standing in the theatre aisles,
looking up at the giants.
Crow (like a stage director): Ok, let's take it from the top!
Fred: Morning Shreiff, Mike.
Shreiff: Alright, let's get one thing clear. I said I don't understand what's happened and
I'm not gonna worry about it. But last night you people showed me the kind of trouble-
Mike (like he can't be heard): What? Huh? What?
Sheriff: -we can expect from you. And this kind of town trouble is one thing I just won't
Tom: The whole town says they're sorry, now would you quit peeing in the pool?
Sheriff: Pack up and get out of town, now that's an order. I want you all out of town
within an hour, is that clear? Get out and don't come back.
Mike: They wouldn't want to call in any scientists, would they?
Crow: No, nope.
Fred: Yeah well that-that's clear enough Sheriff, only uh, we kind of like it here, you
know, we kind of figure we might stay.
Rick: And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing.
Sheriff: Well you just do what I say or else there'll be some trouble.
Fred: Oh no kidding, uh, what kind of trouble, Sheriff?
Rick: You aiming to use that gun?
Sheriff: If I have to, yes.
Pete: Sheriff, how many guns do you have in this town, huh?
Sheriff: Look, that's no concern of yours, you're leaving.
Merrie: Oh don't make 'book' on it. When Fred wants something, he usually gets it.
Crow: She oughta know.
Merrie(to Fred): Dont'cha honey(giggles)?
Tom(on Fred's expression): Thank you, honey, and men.
Fred: You better believe it.
Sheriff: What makes you think I can't arrest you?
Mike (once again hard of hearing): What!?
Fred: Oh now Sheriff, you-you'd shoot me in cold blood?
The Sheriff points offscreen.
Mike (as Sheriff): Uh, why don't you grab a seat there son? I think I see two together
Sheriff: Mike, there's a coil of rope in the corner, will you get it for me, please?
Mike walks away and returns with the coil of rope.
Harry: This is gonna be mighty interesting, heheh.
Crow (commenting on Harry's yellow neck clothing): World's biggest Cub Scout.
Pete: How was your daughter when you left her this morning, Sheriff?
Mike (as Sheriff): She was watching that stupid 'Barney' show, God!
Pete: Show him Rick-boy.
Rick smugly walks away to fetch what they have.
Tom (smugly, like Rick): Yeah, show em' what's going on eh.
Fred slowly turns around to see what Rick has in store.
Tom (on Fred's look): Huh?
Rick suddenly holds up the Sheriff's daughter Cora, on his hand. The little girl looks
Cora: Daddy! Daddy! Make him put me down! Please, Daddy!
Crow (as Sheriff): Sorry honey, needs of the many and all.
Rick: Go ahead Sheriff, use your gun, cut me down.
Tom: Make her day.
Rick: But if you miss, you might hit this loud, screaming little brat of yours.
Mike (as Sheriff): Be nice to the giant honey, or he'll squish ya.
Sheriff: Cora, Cora dear, be still, don't move.
Merrie: That's not such a bad idea.
Tom (on Fred's confused look): What isn't, wha-did I miss a page or something?
Fred: Well, I don't like it, see, and I am the guy that gives the word around here.
Rick: Like I said, Boss, we got ourselves some insurance.
Merrie: Something we need. They brought guns, remember? Just like always, 'keep the
Crow: Wait a minute, they're this huge, and they have to extort!?
Fred: Ok, ok. I don't like it.
Elsa: Oh Pete!
Pete: Don't worry, nobody's gonna hurt her. As long as the Sheriff is gonna play ball
Tom:(as Sheriff): Uh, can we not play bombardment? you guys have the advantage.
The Sheriff lays down his rifle, and then his handgun.
Tom & Crow (making gun sounds): Kapchew! Br-RRRRR!
Sheriff: There's my guns.
Jean: Rick, uh, are you sure you know what you're doing?
Sheriff: Put her down NOW!!
Tom (like a Nazi): Now! Right now!
Getting no response, the Sheriff gives in a bit.
Tom (as Sheriff): Or not, whatever.
Sheriff: I'll give you whatever you want.
Pete: You hear that Fred?
Mike(ticked that they can hear the Sheriff): Ohhh.
Pete:'Anything we want,' that's what he said.
Fred: Alright man, alright.
Tom: Ok, we want huge underroos, gigantic flush toilets, and a 4-day work week.
Fred: Now, uh, Sheriff, we are going to take over this town and, uh, we are gonna make
quite a few changes.
Fred: Now first of all, there's gonna be a 9 o'clock curfew for all adults. How do you like
Mike (as Sheriff): That sounds very sensible, son.
Fred: You'll all have 'freedom of speech,' Just uh, as long as we approve of what you say.
Crow: The young Jessie Helms.
Fred: A working part is going to have to find food for us everyday. And um-
Tom: We want French lessons.
Fred (con't): -well needless to say our appetites are gonna be pretty big, hm?
Mike (as Fred): Cause we've been working out.
Fred: In fact uh...
Crow (as Fred): We're big.
Fred: Why don't we start with something right now, huh? Mike, uh, why don't you get
me uh, some chicken?
Mike: Why don't you-!
Mike is about to charge the stage when the Sheriff stops him.
Sheriff: Mike, Mike, Mike.
Fred: Okay, co-come on, boy, jump to it. Mike come on, there, that's a boy, yeah.
Sheriff: Do what he says, Mike.
Cowed, Mike walks out of the theatre
Crow: I like to see Tommy Kirk get pushed around.
Fred: Now uh, Rick, Harry, now you guys know what you gotta do, huh? Now I want
you, to take care of all the communications, knock out the telephones, radios, everything
you see, alright?
Mike (on Rick's face): Radios, yeah yeah..
Cora: Put me down!
Tom (on Cora's dress): The Little Mermaid of Copenhagen.
Sheriff: Cora, it'll be alright.
Mike (unable to hear the Sheriff): Hm, what!?
Sheriff(To Fred): Alright, I'll say it again-'anything you want.' Bring her down.
Tom (to Sheriff): Speak up!
Crow: If you could just hear me, I'm reading you the riot act!
Fred: No, she stays right here. Now, you do just as you're told Sheriff, and nobody is
gonna get hurt.
Pete: and one more thing, Sheriff. We want all the guns in the town brought here. Is that
Sheriff: Then I'll take my child home?
Elsa: We'll take care of her, Sheriff.
Fred: Yeah, we'll take care of her, just as long as you do as you're told.
Realizing he's in a fix, the Sheriff realizes he can do nothing. With the giants holding his
daughter hostage, he dejectedly walks out of the theatre, as Cora begins to cry.
Mike (as the Sheriff): (grumbling like Yosemite Sam)Rhksekjskjthksekjskjthksekjskjt.
Pete: You see, Fred-boy? All it takes is a little cooperation.
Crow(noting Merrie's curled hair): And some hot rollers.
Pete:We're really gonna take over this town.
Genius is still at work in his lab.
Mike: Hey, you know, Ron must have gotten directing tips from Bert I.
Tom: Ha, that's why he made 'Willow.'
Crow: Hey I LIKED 'Willow!'
Tom: Ah well, you and-whoa!
As he works around a beaker, suddenly a weird bristly thing comes out of the beaker.
Crow: Hey, Cthulhu!
Tom: It's a robotic toily-brush.
Mike: It's going into Charles Bukowski's sink!
It then snakes across the countertops, before going into a nearby sink drain.
Genius: Well, back to the old drawing board.
Crow (as Genius): I inhabit a nightmarish universe all my own.
Crow (on Genius thinking something over): Hmmm, 'Willow.'
Genius: I'll have to remember to try that again sometime.
Genius resumes working, pouring formula into what looks like a martini glass.
Tom: Whop whop whaaa. Opie's first martini.
Mike: Should a boy offer a dog a martini?
Outside the Hainesville theatre, the Sheriff and Nancy are supervising, as every citizen
who has a gun, carefully places it into a large wooden crate. For this task, the giants
have chosen Jean to supervise.
Crow: The NRA nightmare.
Sherrif: You'll regret this! You mark my words!
Jean: Save your bad temper Sheriff, til' you can find a better use for it.
Mike(as Jean and the citizens turning in their guns): ''Hey sweetie!' 'Hey, what's going on
babe?' 'Stop it.' 'How about a little date?' 'Just move along, citizens.' 'Come on, what're
ya doing?' 'I'll step on you.' 'How's the weather up there?' 'Stop it now.'
Later inside, Harry is reading a magazine, when something catches his attention.
Mike: Hey, an article by William Safire.
Crow (as Harry): It's so ironic!
Mike and several other teenagers come up to a side stage stairwell, and offer Harry,
Fred & Jean plastic trays heaped with fried chicken and bottles of Coke.
Tom (as Mike): Uh sir, we can't break a twenty.
Mike (as Mike): And we're still working on your huge sporks.
Crow (on the drinks): Must be Classic Coke.
Fred: Mike, you are amazing man, really you're doing just fine, I don't think I could do
any better myself.
Rick: Yeah, yeah yeah, we might even put you in charge of supervising the-uh, adults.
Fred: Hey why not man, really.
Tom(like an agent): You're beautiful, baby.
Fred: You and a few of your friends, we'll put you in charge of checking adult I.D. Cards,
Mike: Wow, a job!
Fred: You know, just kind of keeping an eye on their social activities, make sure they
keep out of trouble and, you know. Hm?
Crow (on the chicken): You have any dark meat?
Jean: And our music, they've gotta leave it alone.
Fred: Oh, quite definite.
Rick: Yeah, yeah.
Mike: Well, we're done being sarcastic, you can leave now.
Fred: Hey uh, man, what're you just standing there for, huh?
Tom (as Fred): We need coleslaw and wet napkins, man!
Fred: De-part, man. Leave!
Mike and the other teens leave amid a series of chuckles from the giant teenagers.
Crow: They're really unappreciated.
Mike, Nancy, Red & Horsey are talking in the living room.
Mike: It's up to us now, Horsey. There's only one thing we can do.
Mike: Wear little tiny pants.
Red: But there's nothing we can do, Mike. Not while they've got a hostage.
Mike: That's just it.
Tom: We'll sacrifice the hostage!
Mike: We got to get a hostage of our own.
Crow: Terry Anderson.
Some teens are seen running down a street. Soon, a giant figure looms into view.
Mike(as we hear loud music): Giant stripper!
Tom (singing to the song 'the Stripper'): wha-wa, waah, wha-wa-wa whaah.
It's Fred, who continues to follow them.
Tom (singing The Police): Giant steps, are, what you take.
Crow (noting Fred's strange walk): Ohh, someone stinky's got a pantsful!
Meanwhile, down a ways, Horsey has rallied several teens in their hot rods.
Tom: Look, Ed Gein's the driver.
Mike: Oh, they're funny cars, but they're not really that funny.
As Fred comes upon them, he notices a teen girl riding a moped.
Crow: Peter Fonda.
She quickly drives up to him and begins circling around his legs.
Tom (as Fred): Hey don't look up my...area.
Crow(at the sight of the giant Fred's prop legs): Ha, aw come on. The FX in 'Willow' was
better than this!
Mike: Hey, you LIKED 'Willow.'
Crow (confused): I-
Mike(on Fred watching the girl below): Man, are my legs ugly.
Tom (as Fred): Oh wait, those aren't even my legs! They're fiberglass.
Fred lifts his leg, causing the girl's rope to encircle it.
Mike (as Fred): Whoa, that was stupid. Should have seen it coming.
She then drives around and around, trying to encircle his legs.
Tom (as Fred): Huh, can't get my legs to move.
Mike & the Bots: (laughing at the cheesiness)
Crow: It's an elaborate plan to inconvenience him.
However, Fred manages to take the rope off.
Mike (as Fred holds the rope he's undone): I get it, I think she meant to put this around
MY feet, not those mannequin legs down there.
Horsey and several other hotrodders come by. One of them flings a rope up at Fred.
The rope encircles Fred's arm, causing the roper to fly off the hot rod to the ground.
Tom: Suddenly, he snaps a tether, and kills a coolie!
Mike suddenly appears on the scene in a yellow Ford Mustang.
Crow (as roper, as Ronald Reagan): Well, I-whoa!
Mike in a Ford Mustang and Horsey in a red Hot Rod string a rope across the way.
Mike: Oh no.
The rope trips up Fred, sending him tumbling onto his back.
Tom (voicing Fred's slow-motion fall)Well I- uuuuuuhhhhhhhh?
The other hot rods regroup as Fred continues to fall.
Tom (on the sight of Fred's underside): Whoa.
Mike: A buffalo shot that covers 3 states!
Tom (saucily): Just for the ladies!
Fred rises back up, winded from his fall.
Tom (as Fred): Uhhhhhh, huh?
Horsey comes up twirling a lasso.
Mike: Just lasso him, Tex.
Crow: Kid gets his money's worth out of the giant leg.
Horsey lassos one of Fred's legs, as the other hot rods stream down the street, pelting
Fred with rope, trying to lasso him. At the same time, Horsey secures the rope to the
bumper of his hot rod.
Horsey: Ok, take off!
A friend of Horsey's guns the Hot Rod, but Fred's weight causes the hot rod's body to fly
off, clattering to the street. Suddenly a scream is heard, and everyone sees Nancy, stuck
on a nearby church roof.
Nancy: (screams)Mike! Mike, Mike!!
Mike (as if Nancy is yelling at him): What?
Mike jumps from his Mustang, ready to fight the giants, but Horsey, Chuck & Fatso
hold him back.
Mike: Let me go, I'll kill him!
Tom: Heh, Snap, Krackle and Pop are gonna hold him back.
We then see the 'he' to whom Mike has referred to, as Pete is standing right next to the
Pete: Ok fellas, you want me to leave her up there or shall I pluck her down for ya?
What'll it be?
Crow: Ohhh, leave her.
Mike(noting who Fatso is): Jim Begg.
Pete(to Fred): I heard the noise, I figured you might need some help. Boy they almost
got you, didn't they?
Fred finally shrugs off the last of the rope.
Fred: Nearly got me.
Tom (as Fred): I can laugh about it now.
Fred: Take her down, take her to the theatre.
Mike: This is like the 'Swiftian' part of a Fellini film.
Crow: And it's Kafkaesque.
Fred(to Mike and the others): From now on she's gonna stay with us.
Mike (doing evil giant laugh): Mwuh, huh, huh.
Mike, Horsey, and several other teens have relocated to the house's basement, as Genius
toils away in the next room.
Horsey: Well, there's only one thing we can do.
Tom: Oo, we could make smores.
Horsey: We gotta get those guns.
Mike: Right. Basically, the problem is this-
Tom (noting Mike's left arm in his pocket): My hand's stuck.
Mike(cont'd)-how to get into the theatre, and get the guns without getting discovered.
And how to put the guard, whoever that may be, out of action, long enough to recover the
hostages with the guns.
Chuck: That's not going to be so easy. We try to pull anything, who knows what's liable
to happen to that child?
Mike (to Chuck): And you are?
Chuck: Or to Nancy?
Girl One: Mike, there's nothing we can do!
Crow (noting the blonde's light coloring): She's translucent!
Fatso: Yeah, we're on our own. The road's still closed. They don't even know outside
what's going on in here.
Mike: Jim Begg!
Horsey: On our own is right, the Sheriff sure isn't much help.
Light-blonde girl: Not much he can do under the circumstances.
Mike: Yeah, that's why it's up to us, we got to raid the theatre.
Fatso: Oh no.
Tom: Well, Ok.
Horsey: They always seem to leave just one guard on duty, sort of like a sentry.
Girl One: Mike, we'll never get away with it.
Mike: We will. And there's just one thing we need.
Crow: Jim Begg?
Mike (on Horsey's expression): I'm hornswaggled.
Horsey: Genius, we need your brains!
The guys walk into the laboratory, to talk with Genius.
Tom (noting Horsey's hand in his pants pocket): Take your hand out of your pocket!
Crow (as Genius): I just made 'Miller Clear.'
Genius: i thought you'd need me sooner or later.
Mike: Do you know how to make Ether?
Tom (as Genius) Ether I do or I don't.
Genius: That depends what kind you need. Psyclopople, Methol, Ethanpople, Poponeil
ethel, Or Psyclopople Vinylethel.
Tom: Or pooplepopleacapulco(giggles)?
Genius:These are all fairly easy.If you want Dibynoxide it might be a little more difficult.
Mike: Or poopolapopalowpoopalo.
Genius: Trichloretheline of course is terribly complicated
Mike: Or osclapoopalopaco.
Mike: Any good anesthetic.
Genius: I have nitric acid and calcium chloride. If you give me some vodka I could make
you some Deethyline then very easily.
Mike: Or oscaoapoopolaloopoco?
Horsey: Vodka? Dig this crazy kid.
Genius: Or whiskey. Any kind of alcohol really.
Crow (as Genius): Or pure heroin.
Genius:If I were a little older, of course.
Mike, Yeah, yeah we know about that. Hey, don't we have some alcohol in the first-aid
Horsey: Yeah, I'll get it.
Tom (as Genius): Oh wait, Clint drank it all.
Chuck: But even so, if we're disturbed.
Mike: We won't be.
Fatso: Mike you can't be sure of that.
Mike: Jim Begg.
Mike: The main thing is to keep the rest of them away, kep them occupied. Red's come
up with a scheme to keep the boys occupied.
Red: Don't worry. The way I plan it, the boys'll be watching me.
Tom (whispering): Wow.
Chuck: And then?
Mike: Hey, we got a problem with giants, right?
Mike: Ever heard of, 'David and Goliath?'
Tom: Yeah, that dopey cartoon-like thing, right? (Transcriber's note: Tom is referencing
the old stop-motion show 'Davey & Goliath')
Red is down on the stage, dancing around, her red locks and blue dress flying around as
she keeps Harry, Rick & Fred occupied.
Crow: Our very own, Fanny Flagg!
Mike (to the music): Lifesavers, lifesavers, can't be beat!
Tom: Boy, if that were Lucy, I'd have to kill myself.
Fred passes around the platters of food.
Fred: Hey, have some chicken, man!
Crow (as boys): Our teen dynasty here isn't that great.
Fred: Wild stuff.
Harry: She really knows how to move, doesn't she?
Tom: Come on, it's like getting turned-on to Thumbelina to them.
Mike (as Red does a backtrack move and looks down): Whoops, saw somethin' on the
Rick: Baby, I wish I was your size again.
Crow (as Rick): Then I could wear that outfit.
Tom (observing Red's outfit): Didn't Tammy Wynette donate that get-up to charity?
Crow: You know, this isn't the usual entertainment with take-out chicken.
Mike: What was she distracting them from again?
Crow: I don't remember.
Tom (noticing some of Red's behind showing through her outfit): Whoa, kind of
threadbare back there.
Crow: She must sit a lot.
Rick, Harry & Fred are still watching. Rick and Harry chew on chicken, while Fred pops
open a bottle of Coke.
Mike (as Fred): Now it's just getting weird, guys.
Tom(noting Red's hair): Now that color orange does not exist in nature.
Crow: Uh-uh. (Crow then begins to sing as Red dances)Bus, bus, Magic bus.
Fred: Go, go.
Tom: To him it's kind of a sexy puppet show.
Mike (as Red begins to really bob her head): Are you still distracted, because my neck
Fred: (to Nancy)Some chicken, Nancy?
Crow (as Nancy): Yes, it is.
Nearby, Nancy and Cora are sitting by a stage prop of a throne.
Cora: Daddy wouldn't let him hurt us, would he, would he Nancy?
Nancy: No of course not, honey. Everything's gonna be alright.
Mike (as Cora): Yeah, right. There must be a pony around here.
Fred walks over and leans on a nearby clothes basket.
Fred: Now you don't have to be sore with me, honey. Did you see what they tried to do
to me? They could have killed me with those hot rods.
Tom (as Fred): And they made me s-stutter my lines.
Nancy: You're lucky they didn't-they should have.
Fred: Now will you please not talk like that, huh? You know how I feel about you.
Nancy: Then let us go. Both of us.
Fred: I can't know better than that. You see-
Crow: When a giant man and a tiny woman like-
Fred (con'td): -in this town, for the first time in my life, I'm a big man, in more ways than
one. You know how it is at our age honey, 'don't do this,' 'don't do that,' don't-don't-don't-
Mike(singing): Nope nope nope nope, Nope-nope!
Fred: It's like it's the only word they know how to say. 'Don't drink,' 'don't smoke,' 'don't
drive too fast.'
Tom: Don't wear giant togas.
Fred: The only word they know how to use, well I'll tell you something, you see, in this
town, the authority is all mine.
Tom (to Fred): Beau, chicken's getting cold, get over there!
Fred: And nobody is gonna say 'don't' to me for anything.
Crow (as Nancy): You're no God to us, mister!
Nancy: Ok, you're a rebel. I'm impressed.
Fred: Well you'd better be.
Outside the theatre, Mike walks up with a hand-launching slingshot.
Mike (as Mike): I will get them with my mighty click-clacks.
Tom: He could break down their defenses by wearing little pants again.
Crow(as Mike swings the slingshot): The intercotta begins.
After swinging it around, he lets loose, and a rock crashes through a window. Fred
As Mike winds up again, Merrie emerges from the theatre to see what's going on.
Tom: Uh, looks like 'David and uh, Holly-go-lightly.'
Merrie: Hey Fred! We've got a visitor!
Crow (as Mike): Oh uh, is Dave around?
Merrie is soon joined by Fred, Rick & Jean. Mike let's fly, almost hitting Merrie.
Tom (as Merrie): You're disrupting 'Come blow your horn.'
Merrie: What's he trying to do?
Rick: Trying to show what a big man he is.
Crow: Nah, he couldn't hit the barnside of a broad.
Another rock flies past the giants.
Jean: Why don't I just pick him up and throw him away?
Mike: Attack of the 50-foot Abba.
Rick: Stomp on him'd be more like it.
Tom: Yes! Do it! Yes!
Another rock flies past the giants.
Merrie: No, he's cute! He wants to fight!
Crow(sounding like Rudolph): She thinks I'm cuuute!
Rick hands Fred a nearby tree.
Rick: Ok Goliath, here's your spear.
Mike: You're all guts, Fred!
Another rock flies past the giants.
Mike (to Mike) Hey, uh, I think you're releasing a little early. Why don't you try a looser
Fred slowly raises his spear.
Crow: So does super slow-mo equal huge?
Tom: I guess.
Fred takes aim and throws the tree, which barely comes close to hitting Mike.
Mike: You're no better with a spear than I am with a sling!
Fred: Well don't make Booka.
Crow: Or...things'll, happen.
Merrie: Go on Fred, teach him!
Mike begins to dodge all around the square.
Tom: Ha, I'm a minx! Ahuhuh!
Fred: That's exactly what i'm going to do.
Mike: Mr. Bond.
Mike runs around the adjacent town square, acting like a moving target. Several of the
townsfolk have come out to watch. Mike winds up and misses Fred.
Mike (to Mike) Oh, maybe your feet are just aimed off to the right.
Fred takes another shot, and just misses Mike.
Mike: Nice try, Goliath!
Tom (noting Mike's snappy running): Got-ta dance!
Some more townsfolk have come out to watch.
Crow (as one townsfolk): I hope he gores the little freak.
Backstage behind the theatre, Horsey, Fatso and Chuck are sneaking up the backstage
ladder, holding a bag full of cotton containing ether.
Horsey: Come on, quick!
Fatso: Anybody want some candy?
Chuck: Not now! Let's go!
Mike (noting Fatso): Jim Begg.
Chuck spills Fatso's candy, and they all begin to climb the ladder. Meanwhile, back out
front, the other giants have come out to watch the fight.
Tom (as Fatso's shirt comes up): Whoa! I just saw Jim Begg's love handles! No, there
they are again!
Mike: Jim Begg.
Tom: Jim Begg.
Back on the town square, the other giants have come out to watch Fred and Mike do
Fred: Merrie, get in there and watch that kid.
Mike: Well, Merrie?
Merrie: But I wanna watch.
Fred: Don't worry, I'm gonna give you his head on a silver platter.
Crow: Oh, that's empty calories.
Pete: That was Samson and Delilah.
Tom: That's right, for 30 points! Or was it John the Baptist?
Fred: Go on, get in there.
Merrie reluctantly goes back inside.
Mike: Most of the town didn't have a problem with the Giant Regime.
Crow: Well, at least the trains ran on time.
Fred plucks up the spear and contemplates his next move.
Mike: I think maybe I'll use a spear again, maybe choke up a little bit.
Fred: I'm gonna cut you in pieces little man.
Rick (to Jean): Come on, baby, this is gonna be better than the ball game.
The other giants, sans Merrie, walk along, following Fred.
Tom (as Rick doing Elvis): Yeah, turn into Elvis, baby. Yeah, wrestle for me with that
little white tattled little-
Back in the theatre, Merrie pauses by Nancy and Cora to gloat.
Crow (upon seeing the stage): Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Merrie: That boyfriend of yours is gonna get the daylights beaten out of him. And how
do you like that (giggle)?
Tom (as Merrie): I think that's pretty good, yeah!
Merrie then walks away, finished with her little giggle, leaving Nancy very dejected.
Mike(noting Cora looking at Nancy): How do you feel about it?
As Cora looks around, she sees the three guys with the bag of ether on the overhead
Crow: Jim Begg.
Cora: Nancy, loo-
Merrie now is laying on the too-small bed, her weight causing it to almost buckle. As
she looks up from her tiny 'Teen' magazine, she notices Nancy covering Cora's face, and
saying something to Cora.
Tom (looking at Merrie like Humbert) Uh Gah, Lolita, sweet-
Mike (as the quieted Cora): That's two hard spots before my eyes.
Merrie: Don't try anything honey, you just stay right there, and you'll be alright.
Crow(as Nancy let's go over Cora's face) Buh! Thank you.
The three men maneuver on the catwalk.
Mike: Jim Begg and the IMFour.
Tom: Should any of you or your pudgy incompetents be caught or killed.
Mike: The rest of us will be glad.
As the men look down, they see where they are aiming for: Merrie's gargantuan
Crow: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the breasts.
Horsey: Ok, I'm gonna need both hands for this.
Oustide, Mike and Fred are still going at it, albeit slowly.
Mike: Just kill him!
Mike makes another swing, knocking Fred in the chest.
Tom (as James Brown): Ah feel good, du-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!
Fred and Mike then continue to fight, this time with Fred swinging at Mike with the tree
trunk, instead of using it as a spear.
Crow: Is THIS the H.G. Wells part?
Mike (noting the slowness of the battle): Well, I'm gonna start headin' to the car, this
could go on awhile.
Inside the theatre, Chuck and Fatso are holding onto a pulley with Horsey at the other
end, a gasmask over his face and the ether-filled cotton bag in his arm.
Crow (noting the camera shot of Merrie's chest) Eldrige, Cleavage.
Horsey: Bombs away!
Horsey is let loose and falls straight for Merrie's chest.
Tom: Whoa, he's headed for 'snack canyon.'
As she watches him come down, Horsey sticks the giant wad of cotton in her face.
Crow: We have reached the summit!
Tom(as Merrie): I don't need padding.
The ether-laced cotton does the trick and within seconds, the giantess is out like a light.
Mike (as Horsey): To heck with the plan, I'm staying here!
Horsey makes his way down the giantess' body, and rushes to Nancy's aid. The others
come down from the catwalk.
Horsey: That's all for that, now for those guns.
Crow (as Fatso comes on-screen): Jim Begg.
Nnacy: I've got to get to Mike.
Horsey: Chuck, take the girl home, will you?
Nancy's House- Day
Genius is presiding over a strange substance that's giving off a strange yellow vapor.
Tom: I am not eating this soup!
Genius: Woof, we've come up with another Pumice compound
Mike: Pumice compound?
Genius: Failed again.
Mike (as Woof) Alright, but I'm gonna have to start sniffing you now.
Tom (as Woof): Well perhaps if you tried more cenonutrinoga-uh, well you know.
As Genius goes back to work, he notices Woof sniffing the concoction.
Genius: Hey don't do that! Keep away!
Crow (as Woof): I didn't do anything!
Suddenly, Woof begins to shrink. Soon, he is back to his normal size.
Mike (as wicked witch): Mmelting, melting melting.
Tom: Huh, aroma therapy.
Genius takes a whiff of the concoction.
Crow: Hm, smells like Tom Bosley.
Genius: Doesn't work on me.
Mike (about Woof): As a lab partner, he's not much help.
Genius: Woof, I have some quite astounding news for you.
Tom: Yeah, 'Willow' sucked!
Crow (to Tom): Hey, now that was gratuitous!
Genius: Fortuitously perhaps, we have discovered the antidote, and there must be
something we can do with it, wouldn't you say?
Crow: Ah, don't give me that 'woof' crap, I want an answer!
Back at the town square, Mike is still playing the role of 'moving target.'
Tom: Oh good, THIS is still going on.
Fred winds up and takes a swing, as Mike hids in some small trees. The giant stick Fred
has breaks as it makes contact with the trees.
Crow(as Mike): I'm getting away!
Mike: Missed again!
Crow(as Mike): I'm getting out of danger!
Mike: Come on, Goliath!
Now without his weapon, Fred drops the remainder of his stick and approaches Mike
with open hands.
Merrie slowly stirs from her slumber, and looks around.
Crow(as Mike): Hmm, she's dremaing she's Susan!
Tom (remarking on the music): huh, sounds like Shaft's coming.
Mike: Shut your mouth.
Tom: Just talking about Shaft.
As she looks towards Nancy and Cora, she sees they are no longer there. In a panic,
she quickly rises from the bed heading outside. Just then, Horsey and Fatso emerge from
behind a stage flat.
Crow: Jim Begg
Tom (as Horsey leaps out): Yeah, everything's up to date and-whoa!
Horsey: Oh, she'll warn em'! After her, quick!
Fatso: What do we do if we catch her?
Tom: We dance dance dance!
Back outside Mike has reached the steps of the town square clocktower. As he takes
another wind with his sling, he swings-only to find he's let go, and now weaponless.
Crow: Eh, that 'David and Goliath' analogy slips even further.
Meanwhile, Merrie has joined the others, who are moving in towards Fred.
Mike(on the giants): Boy, they keep looming, and thrusting, and looming.
We suddenly hear a 'crunching' noise, as Fred has picked up a nearby lightpost, and is
preparing to bash Mike with it.
Tom: Heyhey now, that's a 'Carnegie Library!'
Crow (as Mike): Uh, they're getting strong now.
Mike is now cornered against one of the clocktowers' pillars, with nowhere to go.
Mike (whining): But in 'David and Goliath,' David wiiins.
Merrie: Hey Fred, look.
Tom (on Fred's slo-mo turn): Uhhhh-huuuuhh?
Everyone turns to look, and suddenly, a bike comes flying down the street, yellow
vapors emitting from something attached to the back. The bike is being ridden by
Genius, who begins to circle in front of the giants, as the yellow cloud just pours around
Crow: Oh my God, Opie's on fire!
Tom (referencing Wizard of Oz & Andy Griffith): Surrender Aunt Bea!
Crow: Oh no, Patchouli!
Mike: He's spreading a humorous antidote!
Tom(noting that the giants are just standing still): Well this stuff really stinks, but there's
no point in you guys MOVING or anything, huh?
Crow: Well that's funny, that kids dustin' crops but there ain't any crops!
Tom (noting that Mike is still standing against the pillar): Uh, you can edge off the pillar
Mike (on the crowd's reaction to the yellow vapors): Uh, mustard gas, ugh!
Crow (as Lloyd Bridges): By this time my son's lungs were aching for air.
Tom: Robins dropping like flies.
Mike: Flies dropping like flies.
Suddenly, the vapors take effect, and the giants begin to shrink.
Crow (as the girls shrink): Oh, I went down 400 cup sizes!
Tom: But you know these gas diets, you gain it all back right away.
Mike: Oh, yeah.
Mike (as Fred shrinks): don't breathe the yellow Opie!
Tom (speaking for the crowd): We can't help but observe that the people who were once
big, are now small.
Soon the once giant teens are back to normal size, albeit with severely larg clothing.
Mike (noting Fred's shrinking): Just a little bit more, Freddie-boy. Yeah that's right, just
a little bit more.
Mike then grabs the now shrunken Fred, and puches him across the face, knocking him
Mike: How'd you like that, Goliath?
Crow (as Mike): giants, peer at my crotch, will ya?
The other shrunken tens stand nearby, holding onto their huge garments.
Mike(realizing the clothing size error): But their clothes weren't that, they were...
Sheriff: Alright. Well, back down to size, huh?
Tom (pretending we can't hear the Sheriff): What!?
Horsey: Where's your tailor, Freddie? You need some adjustments, right?
Fred: Hey, hey! We're goin,' huh? Just leave us alone!
The teens hold onto their oversized garments and run from the town, back from where
they came from.
Crow: Yes, it's 'the running from the half-naked teens in Hainesville.'
Mike: Shouldn't they arrest them for kidnapping?
Tom: Aw, giant kids are gonna be giant kids.
Crow (pretending to be a whining Merrie): And then, and then we were giants, and now I
Tom (as Fred): Uh-huh, yeah right. Move along.
Mike: Pretty good weekend though, huh guys?
Tom: But think of their bladders, they'd really have to go to the bathroom when they
shrink, you know?.
Crow: Yeah, they should have exploded.
Eventually, they make it back to where their car crashed, but still, there's no hope of
getting it fixed and using it to drive out of there.
Tom (as Merrie): Uh, you wanna mud-dance?
Mike(as Fred): Naw, it wouldn't be the same.
Fred: Well, we've got a long, long, long long walk.
As Fred starts to lead them away, he's confronted by someone.
Deep-voiced man: Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville?
Crow(Like Ray J Johnson): Oh you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray.
Fred: Yes, we're coming from Hainesville.
Deep-voiced man: Is that the place where they have the Goo?
Fred: Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo.
Deep-voiced man: Thank you so much.
As the teens watch, a line of short people walk past, and walk up the road to
Tom: Ha, one last offensive thing to leave you with, folks!
Mike: The shamed cast of 'Terror of Tiny Town' meets the shamed cast of 'Village of the
Once they are gone, the once giant teenagers head off down the road, leaving Hainesville
and their wrecked car behind.
AN EMBASSY PICTURES RELEASE
Tom: That's it? Wasn't much of a payoff! W-w-we waited all this time for that!?
As the closing credits roll, we are once again treated to the color-keyed scenes of the
giants once again gyrating in their enormous dancewear.
Mike & the Bots: No, no, no, no!
Mike: Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed with a giant turkey!
Crow: Or maybe this is what it would feel like to have rubber bands around your
Tom: Oh, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava!
Mike: It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt!
Crow: It's like, waking up, rolling over and seeing Jim Varney!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!
THE BEAU BRUMMELS
Mike: It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg!!
Produced and Directed
BERT I. GORDON
(Mike & the Bots exit the theatre as the screen fades to black)