Reflection

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					Reflection

As I sat in my cold seat at my desk, I simply stared ahead blankly at the teacher who was lecturing us,
only
half-heartedly noting that I was in a trance of wandering thoughts. I was in another dimension of thought;
contemplating on what had taken place within me for the past four or five months. Had this reverse in my
life's polarity
really helped me? I noted it to be a mixed blessing. Why had God put me in this funny position anyways?
I sometimes felt
so alone in what I was going through. My classmates just can't understand what's been going through me
for the past
few months; to them my change in character meant very little or practically nothing. I had already felt
completely isolated
once in my life.That feeling of isolation was now coming back, except for now it's of a far greater degree. I
sat in deep,
unbound thought.
I steady glare from Mrs. Wertman, given as a warning, broke me out of this trance. I acknowledged my
error and
allowed class to proceed. But even though I acknowledged it, that doesn't mean I had to correct it; I put
my head down out
of her line of sight and slipped back into deep thought again. I was beginning to feel very humble; the
thoughts of
me being the only student in Southridge High School who was deeply involved in New Age spirituality
made me wish that I
had not pursued it with such drive. But that was then, and this was now. You cannot just break out of
these things and
return to practical worldly thought overnight. I noted that during the past few months, many new social
rings had either
been established or collapsed; this was because of my new way of perceiving life, and the actions that I
took to comply
with my new views and their assertions. God knows that the past few months had been very stressful.
Fortunately, the
loneliness that I felt was not completely negative; it made me feel good about myself, thinking that
perhaps God saw me
as good and true in heart and soul, therefor granting me this gift early in my life. But the problems that I
faced
sometimes were nearly unbearable.
A few social rings that I had long since planted myself in had been slowly crumbling throughout the past
few months; most
of them were falling away quiet and peacefully. That is, all except for the one of my parents. I sat
remembering many fights we
had; fights not only over what I was doing, but also over how much time I could spend on the computer
getting assistance and
guidance from distant friends who had already achieved what I was dreaming of. I didn't think that there
was any way that I
could peacefully hide this from them; the skirmishes had been occurring now at least twice a week, and it
really tore me up
inside at times. For I never wanted to bring harm or anger to them, but for some evasive reason they
continued to lash out at
me over minor flaws, or sometimes just for no reason at all. I tried to affirm myself that I was doing all that
I could, and I
could only live it out as best I could. This, I thought, was part of the advancement process placed before
me.
That now familiar overpowering feeling of gloom and doubt began to encompass me again, and the bell
for passing
period rang. As I walked along the crammed hallways, I thought of all the creative and spiritual potential
within
each student that I passed. This new way perceiving life had awakened so much within me. The ability to
explore the
universe simply with the mind, increased creativity, awareness and sensitivity, and possibilities of
co-creation of the future - all
had been planted and were growing within me as my life progressed. If anyone could obtain this
euphoria, then why not at least
give it some consideration? Why was it that so many turned me down with silent words of judgment that
pierced me to the
heart? I could explain it. I could show them if they would only allow me to. But, this was not the case, nor
was it an exception
that God had granted me, I thought. I took bitter, self-scolding note of all the time that I spent on thoughts
like these rather than
thoughts pertaining to the classroom
. "Goodmorning, Mr. Hunefeld," I greeted one of my more favorite teachers. I loved him dearly for his solid
character, good
teaching techniques, and general quiet, self contained contentment. "Aha! Goodmorning Jason," he
smiled back to me. "Are we
doing anything cool today?" I asked. "Ummm... well, we're just going to do some reading and answer a
few questions, that's
all," he replied. "That's good." I said without emotion. Maybe I'll be able to focus on something that's
worthwhile.
As I sat reading a section of my Economics book in class, a stirring came to me; I stopped reading, and
groped
around in my mind... was something there? ... There. One of my guides was sending a message to me. I
switched easily into
a receiving state; this required minimal effort, though I knew that there would be no details. After a few
moments of
letting my imagination grope around, I received a fuzzy thought that read "You are to do a channeled
writing during
lunch today... it will be titled Your Missing Link." I smiled, and was inwardly thrilled! Never have I received
a
request from them for me to channel. I could hardly wait!
Walking to Mr. Menke's room, I contemplated on whether I should show him my paper or not. The
channeling had been a
complete success, and it contained some very useful and practical advice and information about
humanity! Seeing that he was
nowhere in sight, I instead decided to show it to Robin, who was at the time shuffling through her bag
trying
to find some papers. "Oh, Jason, I would but I can't right now. I've GOT to do some last second studying
before this
test." An alarming thought: Test? What test? At that moment, I was stricken with fear, and pierced by
loneliness. Making
some hasty maneuvers, I was able to forget about the loneliness, pack the paper away for later, and
scramble for my
Chemistry book to do some last minute studying as well.
I signed my name on the test as Josh walked in for Physics. I took my test and my channeled writing up
with me to Mr.
Menke's desk, set the test down on top of the rather cluttered desk, and showed Josh my writing that I
had done
during lunch. He just looked at it, grinned, snickered really big, and gave me back the paper; I thought
he'd do that. I
took the blow with as much grace as I could and quietly walked back to my seat to sit down and wait for
class to
begin. Did anyone care at all about what I had just accomplished? about what I had just been given?
About what
the writing portrayed? It was advice on how to deal with distant cultures, beliefs and religions; and it made
sense in all aspects,
but yet it was not important to anyone. To some, I had sinned.
Now, two weeks later, things are still the same if not worse. The writing that I did was only a success to
my distant
friends, no one else. They observed the thoughts and messages that I had received, and were quite
impressed and encouraged
me. But this problem has not been resolved, nor do I feel that it will be until I move away to college. I had
felt completely
isolated already once in my life. That feeling was now coming back, except for now it's of a far greater
degree. I silently
carry this cold, peaceful body onward... Beyond time itself.

				
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Description: life is life