my diary about love What should I do? Should I continuo my relationship with Mia? Or I stop to see her and go away from her life. I understand it is the best for Mia and her boy friend and for their life. But I sill feel that I love her. I have pity on her. Especially in her religious side. I want to help her and accompany her to close to God. I want it but I am shy to continue. I am shy to my God. Because I do not know it is good or not. The risk if I continue my relationship with Mia is I only become number two in her life. Do I want it? I do not want. What for I close to the girl and I love the girl but she has her beloved one. Will be better I look for other girls. Or I concentrate to my life. to get successful life. it is better then I spend my life only for women. I can close to women but it will not disturb me to succeed in my life. I have to decide the position next with her. To be her friend who always help her. Besides her when she needs me. But she will not close to me when I need her. I only become lonely every time I want to be with her. Because she is not my girl friend. I want to go a way from her life. but it is not good because directly I get lose from her life. It makes her feel guilty because she feels that she hurts me. 29 maret 2007. Tomorrow is Mia ‗s birth day. I have given the gift to her this morning. I know this is too earlier. She goes home. So I give to her this day. Yesterday I asked her to have dinner. She said yes first then in the afternoon she delayed it. I could not ask her reason. I only gave her freedom to choose what she wanted to do. She is still not my special one. And I am only a close friend not the special or boy friend. When I asked about her boy friend. She answered, ― opo mas gak jelas‖. It seems give me a chance to get close with her. Actually my reason to approach her is to want make her happy want to change her manner of dressing want to make her become so close to God ya Allah, please help me to do this. Actually I want to say directly to her that I want to ask her to be my wife but I still feel that I am not ready in material and mental. I have still many expectations to reach in my live. It relates with my roles. Right now I have some roles. Those are: Student of Universitas negeri Surabaya I hope that I can finish my thesis this semester. The problem is I still have no problem to write. I can get scholarship. My recent activity: kader bangsa what I need to do is I have to make a paper or makalah. The member of BEM Unesa I can do my program kerja. Problem: I do not gather the right man in the right place. Earning money: To be journalist. It is my hobby to do. I want to tell to the society about the truth or fact that happens in the reality. Cause many journalist that are not honest anymore. To be entrepreneur. I need to meet bu kajur about asking the clarification about V net. In addition, I register it. Making LBB with my boarding house friends. I can help them to earn money. Helping the students of English department how to get money. Friend. Getting as many as possible friend. My problem: I easily get angry or high tempered. It makes my friends will go away from me. Solution. Smile, give, help them. son I do not know what I should do to help my parents to solve their problems. Their problems are The sickness of my brother. Having debt I want to make my parents happy. The way is the healthy of my brother. Ya Alllah please give kesembuhan to my brother. hamba Tuhan Ya Allah. I know without your help I cannot get shat I want in my life. please help me to get so close to you. What I can do is praying and doing it continuously. Doing sholat sunnah tahajjud and tasbih, rading istighfar 1000 per day, reading surat waqiah, reciting holy Quran. Reading sholawat a lot. Ya Allah please help me to do that. Amin. Activist humanity. After seeing the condition of my society, I want to do many things for them. Ya Allah please help me to do those all. Having yayasan free education for poverty people. Right now I join Sosialis community. Help me to be always in your way. 8. The suami I am a man, the sunnah rosul is to have wife. Ya Allah hopefully four years again I have the wife. Will be Mia as my wife? I do not know. Ya Allah give me the best wife. I need your help to succeed all of them. Without you, I am nothing. Learning and learning is the best way for me. I have to make it all. Allah please gives me solution of every problem that happens in every role I have. So what I need to do is having a schedule every week about my steps of being successful person. Mia will come to me if I am patient. Tomorrow I will meet the person who has program in journalsistics. Semangat terus pantang mundur. I get what I want if I try to get them all. 1 april 2007 lapindo. What should I do here. Ya Allah help me to have a good job. Amin. 4 april 2007 Thanks God I have a job. Although it is only a driver. With salary Rp. 150.000,- every month. I try to do the best. Actually, I have another chance to earn money. I can be a teacher and the previous chance is to be a journalist. I got much information about earning money to abroad. Working at Unicef and ect. Ya Allah hopefully I can have the job in Unicef. It is a social profession but get much money. Ya Allah please help me to get that. I only can do a prayer to you. I pray tasbih. Last day Mia‘s father got sick. He is in the hospital right now. Actually, I want to leave her and concentrate to my own problems. My family‘s problems are so many such as having a debt, the sickness of my brother. Ya Allah is mia my next wife? I do not know Ya Allah. Only you who knows it. She is in the difficulty situation. Hopefully my decision is right to accompany and help her. She asked me to do her homework. I do that. When mia comes to my life, firstly I only want to have a fun with her. I know at that time she has a boy friend. I do not care. I only want to take the advantage of her beauty. But it is changed during my relationship with her. She is not guilty. Therefore, it is not appropriate for her life if I only want to have fun. Ya Allah help me to be consistent in my activities. In my roles of life. Thanks God, because you give me many dream although those are difficult to reach but those are so easy if you help me. Ya Allah only you who can make my dream and expectations come true. You are the place to share and ask. I do not want to tell my problems to people. Will be better I talk to you in the night. Help me to finish my thesis. Mia, I know it is hard for me to leave you. This is the difficult time for you. You can loose your father. In addition, after the death of your father, hopefully I can accompany you and I can engage you. Ya Allah help me to make it come true. I want to go abroad first. Then, I will take her with me to abroad. She also wants it. Hopefully four years again I can marry her. I know the risk if I mary her. May be I will have no child. She has problem with her rahim. It is alright. If the boy thinks to leave the woman who cannot make a baby. Whit whom those women will marry and enjoy their live. Ya Allah help me to make my parents happy and Mia happy. 6 april 2007 last night I went 8 april 2007 this week I must find my title of thesis. I am sure I can finish my thesis this semester. It is only a matter of time. And perseverance. Tomorrow I will copy stylistics books. And I will read it, I phoned mia but her mobile phone is not active. What is happening to her life? Is she bored of me or disliked to me. It is a difficult love that I ever have since entirely my life. What makes me love her? I know she has boy friend but why my love becomes so powerful to have her. She always comes to my mind. It disturbed me so much. I want to throw her face away from my mind but it is so difficult. Usually I easily forger the girl that I was interested in. but why it becomes so different with mia. I want to say my feeling to her. But I am still waiting the right moment to say it. I don‘t know when I say it. This month next month or three months again. Man point I must say my love to her. It is about the truth of telling something. It also about my love. The love that makes me difficult to concentrate my ideal live, to get my expectations and dreams. I want to go abroad. I have told to my family about it. It depends on my God. Ya Allah help me to make my parents happy. Once more I ask you to cure my brother. Only you who can do that. Ya Allah please make my dreams come true. I wnt to go to abroad to study and have a job. Life is so difficult if I do not have power to ask. But I have you who will help me to get what I want in my life. Life becomes so easy if I am so close to you. Please make my heart and soul become so close to you. I like to watch porn film. I know it is bad habits. Ya Allah I want to marry as soon as possible. But I still have no money and I still have a burden or beban. Before married I want to see my brother sembuh or die. It is better for me. Ya Allah give kesembuhan to my brother or take his life. it is better for me than I see his life so painful. Ya Allah give me job. The good job. I will marry Mia. I will propose her first but I need a job to make mia‘s father happy. Amien 9 april 2007 mia. Mia. She told me that she ever got a job to be a model but she rejected it. She said that the job was not good for her religion because she was ordered to wear u can see clothe. I do not know why mia often doesn‘t pray subuh. She usually gets up at 10 o‘clock in the holiday. What makes her want to pray subuh every day. Should I send her sms every morning to remind her to do subuh prayer. Will it make her angry or disappointed to me? Ya Allah should I do it? Only you who can do that. I mean only you who make mia want to do prayer subuh. Give her easily way to close to You. And do sholat subuh. This morning Lastmi gave me information about the job in Caribbean cruise. The salary is 15 juta per month. Ya Allah if it is best for me make it easy for me. If it is bad, give me other jobs that can make my parents happy. Can pay my father‘s debt. I need the job that has a salary above 10 juta per month. Ya Allah only you who can help me. I want to build my house. My own house before I get married. Make me easily to close to you. I will let Mia to do what she wants to do. She is good girl although she is beautiful; she does not receive the job that opens her body. What makes her lazy to pray subuh? This is so difficult to know. Ya Allah help her to change her habits. Her bad habit. May be her family does not force her to do that. It needs a process. Today I still do not have problem in my thesis. What kind of title that I will take. Tonight I will meet anas to ask about stylistics matters. Borrowing his books. 10 April 2007 Today I want to say to Mia about my feeling. The real feeling to her. I love her so much. But she is sick. I cancel it. Tomorrow night I invite her to go to lesehan to have dinner together. I want to say that I feel terikat. I want to call her. I want to meet her. Why it happens. I do not know. This afternoon I meet pak koentjahyo. She told me about life. If we want to succeed in our life we have to look for rejeki yang halal. It is the key to get the best life. Next time I will go to his house. 11 april 2007 I would finish all my relationship with Mia. I would say to her about my feeling. But haris told me not to do that. Because it will make my relation with Mia becomes bad and worse. I only need to be patient. My position is under the wind and Mia is on top of the wind. I only can say and wait the right time to say my feeling. I only can show my love to her through my attention. And through prize. Love needs patience. I only can give my problem to God because only You who can do and finish all my problems. Do not love Mia too much because one day she can be the most hatred person in my life. Love her as I need. Do not too much. This morning I felt so dark in my mind. I wanted to finish my feeling to Mia this day. I would say to her about my feeling then she liked or not I do not care. I was difficult to concentrate to do my thesis. It was so horrible thing. I t was like the situation when I loved to Syam at Pare. She made my mind become so dark and lazy to get my ideal. In addition, You Ya Allah gave me easily way to solve my problem with Syam. Thanks God right now I do not feel as the same feeling as like this morning. I am shy if I think of Mia all the day because you the one who give me breath to live in this world. I do not know when I will die. I am afraid if I die tomorrow and my deed is not much. How about my life in akhirat next time. The chance to get close to you is right now in this world. What for I think of Mia will be better I think of my God. Ya Allah help me to always think of You. Please help me to remember you in every breath I take in this life. you will ask my time in akhirat. The time that you give in this world. About what kind of activities that I have done. Ya Allah please forgive me if I thought Mia during recently a month. Please help me to remember you. Amin. Ct told me about the program of bea siswa aktivis. The next program that we will do is going to abroad. Going to the nation in south East Asia. Ya Allah give me the job. Amin. I tried to write my thesis this day. Hopefully I can do it this semester. Tomorrow I will go to pasca sarjana library to search and write the theory of stylistics. 13 april 2007 the topic is still Mia. I want to call her but this is not a good time. I can not often call her. It can make her get bored of me. I have to find about her feeling to me. Does she love me or not? If I have not found the answer, I have to make the situation as natural as I want. I met her yesterday at her class. She asked me to come to her class. In addition, I did it. We made a chat about the problem that she had already done it. It was about her lecture assignment. I talked to her more than fifteen minutes then my fiend came. During the conversation to her, I said about my first meeting to her was the same situation of her face. She had problem so I tried to make her happy. She did not want to share her problem to other people. I want to be her friend to share. Still I do not know her relation with her boyfriend. Do they still continue or finish? I do not know. Then I said that I would go to abroad, exactly in one of south East Asian nation countries. I asked to pray for me. Then I asked her ―Mia, do you want to go abroad?‖ ―Yes, I want‖ ―How about living there‖ ―I can not because my father forbid me to go for so long time‖ ―He will give you permission‖ ―He will give you. It depends on who will ask it‖ I saw her smile at me. Mia, you are so beautiful. Yu are so sweet. I have no heart to hurt you. I want to marry you. I hope five years again I can marry you. After my expectations I get, I will marry you. Ya Allah, Help me to get my expectations. Make me easily to get my expectations. Amen. I opened www. Pembelajar.com. I found the forum to learn about life. I hope I can publish my book. I need contemplation to think about life and find the good topic to write. Once more, Y Allah helps me to compose my own book. 16 April, 2007 I met pak Abbas this morning. He wanted me to meet him if I had a topic and printed chapter. I need work hard to do this. This morning I sent Mia sms. I asked her to go with me to campus but she did not reply it. I went alone. I wanted to meet her at campus but she was absent. I have called her but the mobile phone is not active. What happens with her? Is she getting sick or there is something with her father? I send her SMS. But this is not delivered. The mobile phone is not active. She seldom talks with me about her problem. I am afraid she is stressed. i recognize a girl name Nevria (November ceria). I got her phone number from Adit. Nevria. I do not know her face is. Is she beautiful or not. I do not know. 18 April 2007 Last night I had a dinner with Mia. Actually I wanted to say that I feel tied of her. I wanted always to call her. I wanted to meet her. But this was not a good time for me to say. I have to wait the right moment to do that. I am afraid my love to her is only a temporary love so when I get bored of her I will leave her. The process is right now. I will approach to her. Love is goodness. No tendency to own her. She is free person to do what she wants in her life. I still do not know Mia‘s feeling to me. Does she like me or get bored of me. I still do not know. I try to loose her face from my memory and my mind. I am shy to God if I think of her. Why don‘t I mention my God name? it is a must for me because he gives me enjoyment and joyful so I can study at Unesa. I am shy if I use his blessing to deny his objections. I must close to him not to the creature as like woman. I can not imagine if I die I still do not think of my God. I think of the girl I love. It is very ashamed. I know it needs a process to always remember to Allah. Through ibadah sholat tahajud, I try to get closer to Allah. Ya Allah help me to make it come true. Help me to always think of you. Think about you. I realize without your permission, I can not get what I want in this world. I understand if I always think of girl can make my concentration to reach my willing becomes so faded. I can not totally do my steps to succeed. I have written my expectations in this world. I can reach all of them through your help. Without You, I cannot reach those all. Ya Allah forgive me for all my sins. I realize recently I make so many mistakes. I use my parents‘ money to get happy with the girl. Ya Allah please forgive me because I still get difficulty to loose the face of Mia from my mind. Help me to do that. I know I am interested in her after I know that she has a difficult life. She has a sickness. May be she has no child next time. I know if she is my wife. Please help me to concentrate to reach my ideals and my expectations. Ya Allah help me to get job. Please help me to get job. Please help me to concentrate to reach my expectations. Without you I am nothing. Without you I can not focus on my expectations. I can not feel the situation as like the first time I saw Mia. At that time, I felt I could be her boyfriend. In addition, I would have some fun with her. However, I do not have any heart to hurt her. If I think about my ideal wife. Actually, Mia is not my ideal one. My ideal wife: A smart wife which can give me solution to solve my problems. Has a long straight hair and white skin. Is a tall girl Is a cheerful and entertaining Can be a good mother for my children has the same vision as like me realizes about my duty and support me to succeed and help other people The place to share. The more I see her the more I love her Has a good spiritual Reminds me to get close to God. I am twenty-four years old right now. I realize there is no time for me to have some fun. I have to succeed my life and focus on the special job that is appropriate for me. Until now I still have no a certain and special job that can brings me to be a useful person to Indonesian people. Ya Allah, I want to be a useful person for my society. I hope I can have the best role to the development of my country. I want to meet Barack Obama. Ya Allah give me the knowledge so I can be easily to speak and convey the important speech so can make other people realize to do the best for their life. I only a human that has so much sin. Without you, I am nothing. Ya Allah so many expectations that appear in my mind. I realize that those all cannot appear without your permission. Because of you, I can have many expectations in my life and only you who can help my self to get my expectations. I know the hindrance in front of me is a little thing than the power behind me, and the power is You, Ya Allah. Without your guidance, I cannot get my expectations. Give me good steps to reach my expectations. Ya Allah please help me to do what is appropriate to my expectations. Ya Allah, when I am listening to the song ‗beautiful girl‘ , I want to marry. I want to live with the beautiful girl that becomes my wife. She is the one I am waiting for. She is so soft and lembut. She is beautiful not only her performance but also her mentality and psychology. I want to dance with her. I miss it. Ya Allah help me to earn money. I want o make my parents go to haji first , after that I will marry. Ya Allah please give easily job for me in order to help my parents to go to pilgrimage. Hopefully three years again, my parents can go to Mecca then two years again I will marry. 20 April 2007 Thanks God because this morning I do not feel as like yesterday. I do not think about Mia again as hard as yesterday. I am sure time will make my problem or possession with Mia become so weak. Love is not to own something. But love is to sacrifice my feeling to make her happy. Starting today, I will not call her first. I want to know does she call me or not. It is a test to know about her feeling. But it is not a good test. It can be a different. She can stop her feeling to me or her care to me because she has a boyfriend. Thanks God I think again about my self who wants to succeed in my life. I want to be a different person. It means that I want to be unusual person who always appear in certain situation. Appearing with the prestige not with the bad thing. My successful self depends on the other person‘s perception about me. I have to make the good perception of my self in other people mind. In order to make it, I have to say the good word not the bad words. People know my character or my citra from their listening. If they listen the good word from my speech, they will assume that I am a good people. They will respect to me and I will respect to them. So trough the good word of speech, people can respect to me. I realize that recently I have the bad character. I liked to say the worst words or with the bad tempered. It is very bad for pencitraan my self. Ya Allah help me to always say or speak the best speech. It can influence the assumption of other people about me. I know very difficult for me to convey the speech if I have to think first. But with your help, I can speak responsibility. I know the spirit of getting successful life is sometimes rising and sometimes decreasing. The problem is not only we have to run of the decreasing situation but also we have to try to manage the decreasing situation in order to make our successful spirit does exist. Love is only one of the important side life that can make our maturity becomes better. The maturity can lead us to the successful situation that we always want it. When love comes to ourselves, we have to manage is as good as possible so it does not disturb our spirit of success. Reaching successful in love is only one of important part in our life. We have to understand that the situation of love appearance is only one side of our life that can lead us to the successful things. I know how difficult when love comes to me but I can not get my love. The hindrance is about the time. The girl I love has already a boy friend. Something funny is about this situation. I fall in love twice with the girl who has boy friend. I realize it is all from God destiny. It has a hikmah for me. I am sure it is much needed problem for me to step success in my life. If I can solve this problem, I am sure I can have the best way to succeed in my life. It is only the matter of place or location of where the way of solving problem we use. This love problem is the way for my maturity and successful situation step. The more I enjoy in this process, the more easily I can get the hikmah thanks God because I love to women. Not to men. Love is a normal feeling that the creature has. Not only human but also the animals also have this feeling. The different is only abut the way to express their feeling, 23 April 2007 I must focus on the project that I will do and concentrate more. The projects are; 1. Unicef job 2. English journalistic 3.. skripsi 4. Earning Money. I have a week every month and 24 hours each day. I am sure I can divide my time to do those all jobs or roles. Ok I do the schedule arrangement. Unicef Job English Journalistics Skripsi Earning money preparation Internet. saturday.05.00 Monday. Thrusday. Learning News paper Tuesday Reading Everyday Privat In the afternoon Ya Allah help me to succeed those roles this semester. Amin. Help me to close to you through sholat tahajud and sholat tasbih. 25 April 2007 When somebody is in the trouble or the difficult problems, they need to share with other people. It becomes the power for them to be able to solve the problems. It is like giving the spirit or motivation so somebody can overcome the problems. With whom you usually like to share your problem? You can share your problems with somebody that you think he or she can help you although receiving advice is like getting kissed on the forehead. It does not hurt but it also does not help either. What makes you want to share is related to the confidence or certainty to get the spirit so you can solve the problems. Thanks God this night I got the good life knowledge. Actually, every body can help others through being a friend to share. Firstly, I have no any willing or believe that sharing our problems to other people can help us to solve our problems. But after listening my friend‘s problem, I can feel that the power or spirit to solve our problems can come to our mind when we share our problems. It depends on our belief to put it in our mind that through sharing to other people we can get the power to solve our problem. Ya Allah, please give me the power to help other people in order to give them solution to solve people‘s problems. I hope I can compose the books related to the way of solving the problems. Give me easily way to make it come true. Many things that I have to do in our life to be the useful person. If I only concentrate to get closed to Mia, it is very jerk because God has given me the ability to be the useful person. Alhamdulillah You give me the power to help mbak Izmi to be able to give her calm mind. Thanks God. Everything has to be an end. It also happens to my relationship with Mia. I have to say to her about my feeling. Two months ago I was falling in love with Mia. But right now I feel different. My feeling to her is an empathy to help her live. She has a complicated life. she has a problem with her father. I know it is an usual thing that happens in somebody‘s life. why I want to help her. I do not know. I realize she is not my ideal wife. She is not adult. And a little bit messed up. She likes to depend on her life or her problems to other people. I know if she will take an advantage on me. But why my humanity forbids me to run away from her life. 26 April 2007 I can be what I want to be. I want to be an important and useful person for my country. The important is not about who are we but what kinds of something that we can do. I realize that I am still nothing for my country because I am still doing nothing. Ya Allah help me to get scholarship from internet and the jobs from internet. I know what comes in to my mind is because of your guidance. Thanks God because you give me a high willing in my mind so please help me to reach them. It is still the topic for the day is Mia. Today she was calling me to pick her up to go to campus. After that we went to her boarding house and we made a chat that for an hour. Firstly she rode my motor cycle by sitting menyamping then after buying pulsa she rode by usually way that the man does. I do not know why she does the way of riding like that. Maybe she is reluctant to do the normal couple usually doing. I know that we are still in the reluctant situation because we still have any commitment to do that. Is it my false because I still do not shy to her that I have a feeling to her. When I will say to her about my feeling? ….. I do not know. I still have no job so I am still shy because I am still using my parents‘ money to pay her meal. Ya Allah please help me. Please give me job so I will not ask money to my parents. Thanks God Mia has finished her relationship with her boyfriend. But I do not know that it is right or not. Because her friend told me about me. The fact that I get is the picture of her boyfriend is not in her book again. For the first time she will stay at Surabaya in weekend. What will I do? I will invite her to go to lamongan. I do not know. Maybe going to citra land or kebun binatang Surabaya. I have to concentrate in looking for the scholarship in internet. I know it needs money. Ya Allah Please give me job to earning money. I need scholarship very much because I want to empower my society. bojonegoro people need to have good education. Ya Allah I hope I can help them through your educational guidance from you. Please help me to get scholarship to study abroad. 27 April 2007 I do not know the reason why Mia goes home. She told me that she would stay in her boarding house this weekend. I invited her to go to Lamongan to attend in anniversary of my previous course. She said that she would go. I would accompany her to go to the place that I hope she likes. In Sunday morning, the citra land lake is so nice to go there. I will make Mia happy but I do not know what kind of something that makes her happy. She likes to go to the beach. I phoned her this afternoon but she did not receive my call. Her father answered the phone. Firstly, I thought he was the owner of her boarding house. Thanks God because I spoke politely. Does her father know about me? I hope Mia has told to her father about me. What kind of ending that I want in my relationship with Mia. Will I marry her? On the other hand, I just help her. I always exist when she needs helps. I want to marry her but this is not for next three years. May be five years again or I have what I want in my life. I want my brother sembuh and my parents go to Mecca. I have my own house. Ya Allah help me to go abroad for studying and earning money there. 28 April 2008 I want to call Mia. I do not know why lately we seldom speak on the phone. I want to clarify everything. I will tell to her about it . about my feeling to her. I will use my empathy to say to her. I do not want to disturb her life. I will go away from her life if she wants me to go. I still do not know what kinds of feeling that comes to my mind right know to Mia. Do I love her or just have a pity on her life. I feel she needs me. 1 Mei 2007 after Miss Lala told me about Nagoya scholarship, I felt that it was the good chance for me and I would get it . this morning I opened the web site, unfortunately the registration was closed so I have to wait for the next chance. But it is not the best way for me if I wait. Will be better I concentrate my activity to do the other things. I met Nobe yesterday I felt I was interested in her. What about Mia. I do not know. Nevria. This girl actually is not so beautiful. She wants to meet me this Saturday. I invite her to come to my boarding house then we will go to futsal game in Gunung sari. I have no feeling that I am interested in her. I only try to help her because she needs somebody to share and give her solution for every problem she has. Today is my first time work to post the article in internet. I hope I can post minimally twice a week about the article. Tomorrow I will apply job to the course in sepanjang. Mbak Izmi gives the information about the job. Last night we sight seeing in Surabaya. Eating the food in cak mis and went to G-Walk. I am afraid if mbak Izmi likes me because I only respect to her so I accompany her to go to job. Life is wonderful if we help other people. 2 May 2007 Tonight I will help Mia to finish her homework. I follow her game. Last night, Mia phoned me. Actually I said to her that I would call her but she did not wait until I phoned her. I sang for her the romantic song by Richard Marx with the title Now and forever. Then she sang west life song. I am confused of my life. Mbak Izmi said to me that she has already sent apply job to Oxfam in Afghanistan. Then she said that she will apply for me the job in becoming teacher. God, I want to finish my thesis this semester. I only have time three weeks to finish it whereas I have not gotten the permit ion from Pak Abbas. Actually the trick to get her permit is to give my all thesis started from chapter one to chapter five. It is better than I do nothing. God sees my process in finishing my thesis. Main point I do the job. I am still asking the job from you ya Allah. Please give me the job. Will I say to Mia that I feel tied of her live. Is tonight is the right moment to say this. It is the time where I have to help her. I hope the work is done on 8.30 p.m. after that we will go for meal then in this place I will say to her that I feel tied of her life. 5 may 2007 I have said to Mia about keterkaitanku to her. I want to make she does not feel reluctant of receiving my help. I will say to her if I love her but now my feeling is still like empathy. My motorcycle is brought by Mbak Izmi to the Bengkel. Actually I did not ask her to make it but she brought to bengkel. 7 may 2007 This day I send the form to Ashoka. Ashoka is the program to be a social entrepreneur. I hope I can join this program. I want to empower Bojonegoro society. It is hard for me if I have no power to do that. Ya Allah, if it is good for my willing to empower Bojonegoro society make it easy for me if it is not please give the best for me so I can make the foundation to give a free education. Thanks God, I am not always thinking of Mia again. Although sometimes I think of her, I still think of my successful way to help Bojonegoro society. Thanks God I have the big willing. Please help me to make them come true. My thesis? I hope I can finish chapter 1 up to chapter IV this week. 8 may 2007 I am still sick. Actually I am waiting Mia‘s calling. Does she care to me? She does not care to me. What for I always think of her. Last night I called her but she did not answer my phone. Starting today I will not call her and I will not meet her in two days. If she calls me, I will care to her. I have sent my application to Ashoka. I hope it is the good way for me to empower Bojonegoro society. Life is difficult when we have no willing to share what we have to other so I try to share what I have got in my experience. My thesis is not done. This week is my target to finish all chapters. But can I do that? Ya Allah help me to succeed my thesis in this semester. 9 May 2007 After watching the movie in indosiar last night, I tried to have a new decision. The film was about a mother who a prisoner wanted to go out from it as soon as possible In order to meet her daughter. She decided to join the program to be a hotshot. She did it well until she became a leader in central park California. Finally she made her daughter in the wooden fire. She saved the daughter and the group. It inspires me to get what I want in my life. What I need is to be: Consistence Strong willing Perseverance Hard work Focus Forget the bad experience in past and make it as a mirror I write my responsibility and the evaluation: Students : I only have two weeks to finish my thesis. Can I do that? I can but I do not know Mr. Abbas will agree or not. Mainly I give my thesis. Bem U Staff : I have made programs but until now I have not made it. I want to meet cancoko and tell my mistake and I will put the good image in BEM U. If my thesis done this semester, I decide to concentrate in BEM U as thanks action to God. Ya Allah help me to make it come true. This is my Nadzar. Writer : I still have no works. The solution is writing and I give it to Bu Lala through Internet. Job : I still have no job. May be because of my bad action in BEM U, God does not give me another good job. Please forgive me ya Allah. I am sorry because I have disobeyed your chance to make Unesa better through BEM U. Ya Allah give me the chance again to succeed BEM U programs and please make my program in Ashoka acceptable. Amin. Mia is mia. It is not a big problem for me again, I have to focus on my works. Thanks God you give me the good feeling of predicting the situation that happens in Indonesia. Please help me to make my character ready to be the leader of Indonesia. I want to make the social condition of Indonesian people become so 13 May 2007 I did not write for five days because I am sick. Mia does not care to me. What for I am thinking of her life. Will be better I concentrate on my career. I want to be a journalistic in English. I am sure I can do that. How about my thesis?. Ya Allah. Does my thesis finish? I only have two weeks to finish it. Impossible I can finish my thesis. But if I finish my thesis all chapters on Wednesday, I am sure I can finish it. This afternoon is my first step to write my thesis. I can do that. 15 May 2007 Thanks God. I am well now. I remember when I was sick. I had no chance to do something. At that time I wanted to write everyday. About everything that I want to write, it is a thankful to God because he gives me chance to life again. I can not imagine last night was my last day to be in this world. I am shy to think of Mia. Ya Allah please forgive me. Thank you very much because you still give me chance to live in this world. Please give me help to make many good deeds in order to close to you. Ya Allah help me to do pray tahajud. I want to do that and also pray tasbih. I still can not finish my written and my literary works as like short story and novel. I have to concentrate in writing English Journalistic. Please help me I can do that with your help ya Allah. I want to make my parents happy. This is one of the ways to make them happy. Through my late graduation, I hope I can concentrate in earning money and learning English journalistic. Amen. 20 May 2007 Thanks God, my condition is getting ok. i want to concentrate to learn English journalistic. I have to be focus. The fist book that I have to read and master is journalistic 1 minute. This is the expensive book. I am looser if I do not use this book. What for I buy the book like that if I do not become a journalist. Struggle or never live in this world. Ya Allah give me job. Tomorrow I will register to join the exchange students held by UNESA Ya Allah please make me easily to join this program. Amen. 21 May 2007 I have found the reason to write. I got from bu lala. The reason is to make my thought known by other people so I write. People can know what I want to show through my written. I understand to make people know my thought not only from my speech but also my written. The written can make people remind about my thought and also about me. After I am dead, they still know the philosophy of something that I want to tell to them. They can use my thought if what I convey is better for them. Writing is a habit. The more I write, the easily I get better to convey my idea. I get difficulty to use the easy language so the reader can know my thought. I want to make it simple but it needs a habitual. Starting now I must write in this diary every day and I must write the short story minimally three times a week. I have to force it. Then I have to read minimally one short story every day. I am sure I can be a writer. I can imagine this morning people around me laugh at me because I get bad language to convey my thought. It is because of I am not used to write. Starting now I am sure I can do that. Ya Allah please help me to make my dream come true. I want my written will be published in Jakarta Post four month again. I have to make the process. It is a good process. The step to make that come true; Reading short story, novel and books. Short story to analyze the language that makes the story grows. Writing essay and short story in English and Indonesia. Every day I must read and write. The punishment if I do not write is reading and typing it then I put in internet. 24 May 2007 I still can not write short story. I do not put it in my mind that it is very important for me. For being English journalist, I have asked agus to help me to bring the Jakarta post News paper in order to make me easily learning the article directly. Last night I came to Mia boarding house, she told me about her background of life. I know the real her but not all I know. It is only a part of her life. I have asked her to do pray subuh every day. She told me about her parents and her steps parents. She did the bad thing to her real father because her father ever made her life disappointed. It is about life. I hope she will pray subuh. I also told about my family. It is a fair. I still decide not to make her as my next wife. She is not appropriate with my ideal wife. She can not give me advise to bring my character better than my previous time. I need the wife who advices me to make my life become so easy and to be able to help me to solve my problem and she can accompany me to empower my society. Ya Allah, please help me to be able to join in exchange student to Asean countries. I need to join it. Ya Allah please give me job. Amen. 25 May 207 thanks God, I am included in YSE program. I got the information last night through SMS. Mbak Lisa told me that I have to open my e-mail this day but I have opened it. I found no e-mail from mbak Lisa. She told me that I will get tested. I still do not know where I will get tested in Surabaya or Bandung. I have sent my SMS to Lisa that I have not received the e-mail. I am very happy after I got the information about my YSE program. I have told to my friends about it I do it because it is one of the way to show my thankful to God. Thanks God I have got the information about psikotest this is the address: Yakita Surabaya. Jalan Pucang Jajar selatan No 24 C Surabaya. 031 5039228 with Dita. On Monday at 10.00 a.m. What should I do in this psikotes? This night, I have to get up at 02.30 a.m. to pray. Ya Allah please give me the easy way to empower my society, bojonegoro people. Amen. 26 May 2007 Why I am lazy to write the short story? What makes me lazy? I have no motivation to write. I need the motivation. Please forgive me ya Allah. This morning I have got up at 03.00 a.m. but I slept again. Please forgive me. I want to do midnight prayer again. I have to force my self to do that. It depends on my mind and intention to do that. If I can do that I am sure I can do that. I hope this night I can do that again. So long time I do not pray. I miss the situation to do midnight prayer. 27 May 2007 Lisa told me that the time to get test is changed to Tuesday. It is ok. I can prepare for the psikotest. I hope I can be received in that program. 28 May 2007 this afternoon I joined seminar with topic literature. In this place I felt so ashamed of my self. I felt that I deserved to be in front of audience to perform my literary works. This only a dream or expectation depends on me and my mind. I met Arfan, he told me that Unair welcomes us to come there in order to learn about literature. He showed me the Anthology of poetry by Unair students. When I saw it, I felt I could make as like that works. The problem is on the link to compose the book. I need to have the link which can compose my literary works. What I need to do is learning to Unair students. I have to come there to have the discussion and to know their way in order to compose their books. It is very easy when we have the community to share and help each other. I need to have the community in literature so that why I decide to join Sanggar Interlude to make my expectation come true. That is to compose my literary works. Tomorrow there is a meeting in campus. I will come there. I put my schedule to go to Unair to discuss about literature. I hope I can be consistent in this community. Doing something until finish is what I need in every thing. Every thing has to be ended but what kind of ending that I want. Is it good or bad? This is so amusing thing if I have to end my expectations with the bad thing. I need to write the literary works every day. I can write it in my special little book so I can bring it where ever I go. It makes me easily to tie my idea. I write in the little book then I write again in my big book. The last step I type it in the computer. I hope I can do that. Thanks God you give me the chance to do that. I can find the computer easily here in my boarding house. I remembered when I could type easily. It was difficult for me to make my dream come true but after I get the easy thing I delay to write. Please forgive me ya Allah. 29 May 2007 finally i get tested by ashoka foundation. i came there at 10.00 a.m. until 03.00 p.m. my friend, Budi helped me to go there. he accompanied me to come there. i hope i can help him next time. i hope if it is the best for me to make my character grows up in order to help my society please make it easily for me Ya Allah. the next step if i pass this psicotest is doing enterview. i do not know when i will do this. this program has three workshops. the closer time is on June 15 up to June 19 in Bandung. i am still waiting the annauncement of exchange students which is held by the Unesa. ya Allah i want to join this program and in this forum i want to convey my idea about the unity of Asean which can bring Asean country welfare together. Ya Allah please help me to join this program. i have got the announcement of job but i have not sent my application. Ya Allah please give me the job which is appropriate with me. i need money to my life. i am shy to ask my parents again. tomorrow i will go home. actually i am shy if i have to meet my parents. i will ask money to them again. ya Allah please help me to earn money. is education appropriate for me? Ya Allah please give me the job. Mia. i start to think about her again this night. i help her to make the paper again. i do not know actually i dislike to do that but only this that can make me can meet her and come to her boarding house and get closer to her life. ya Allah i want to cry right now. if i think of Mia, i remember my parents. i still have not given them happines through my mandiri in life. ya Allah i am shy if i have to meet Mia because i still ask money to my parents. ya Allah when you give kesembuhan to my brother? right now in my mind appear the willingness about my brother life. i want my brother dead. in my opinion it is better for him then he is alive in the condition like that. ya Allah i do not know what will you do to my parents life. what will you do in their life? what kind of plan that you have in my life? ya Allah please give happiness to my parents. please give kesembuhan to my brother. when you give kesembuhan to my brother? what i want is your blessing in my life. ya Allah please give kesembuhan to my brother. this morning i have to get up to pray tahajud. ya Allah what should i do in order to make my brother sembuh? i do not know what i know is what the best for me is different with what the best for you in my life. ya Allah please make me get closer to you. in my wallet i only have 1000 rupiah. i need money to go home tomorrow. ya Allah many expectations that come to my mind. only you who can make them come true. June 2007 Tomorrow I have to come to interview in Ashoka Program. If I pass this test, I will go to Bandung on June 15. I believe I can compose my books. I have to pray midnight prayer everyday than I think about what should I do in my life. 4 June 2007 After I get interviewed this morning, I got the good start to do in my life. I have to focus on something. People will know luqman as what I want to be. I have to focus in one thing so I can concentrate in this thing. Many things that I want to get in our live. It makes me difficult to focus. Last month I want to concentrate in being journalist. I learnt about English journalistic. I have to specify in what kind of way to earn money that I want t do. How much money that I want to earn depends on what I am doing now and what I want right now? In the next five years, who luqman is depends on what I want to be right now. The expectation that makes me easy to succeed in my life. I know to focus in what I want to do is so difficult. Many professions that I want to be. I want to be journalist, writer, and entrepreneur. It makes me so difficult to focus. I do not know the result of my interview this afternoon. If it is good for me please give me easy way to do that. I mean to do my program. Ya Allah please give me easy way to succeed and to earn money in my life. I said last month that I would not ask money to my parents. Ya Allah please give me the job. My job is tomorrow I have to search about education problems in Indonesia. I have to concern in this side. I do not care I get passed in the test or not. Main point I have to master the education problem and the solution to my society. I met Syamsiah last night. She told me that I am so late to do this activity. I know the reason why she said like that. It is because of I did not focus on one thing in my life. I have to prove to my self and her that what she told me is not absolutely right. I want to do the specific thing so I can get what I really want to get in my life. I can imagine if I do not succeed in my life. It is so horrible thing. I want to help other people but firstly I have to succeed in my life. 5 Jume 2007 I think that my life become so easy when I close to God. The problem is on my self and my thought. Why I am so lazy to get up in the early morning to pray a midnight prayer. I know the reason to succeed is to make my life become so close to God. Actually what that I focus in my life? What I want to be? And what is the purpose on my life? If my purpose is money, After I die, I do not bring that money. What I really need to do is to put the good deed in my life. To help other people is the way to make that come true. I want to compose the books. Job and job again that come to my mind every minute. I need to earn money. I do not know what is the exact profession that is appropriate to my ability. This month, I mean June. I have to focus on learning my thesis. I have to do that. This is the good chance for me. I do not know the leisure time that comes to me after this month. I have to be ready to face the possibility that come to me. The possibility of busy thing that put my attention very much. Tomorrow I have to know who my core reader first. That I need to share what should I take in my thesis. Ya Allah my promise is to come to Brother Mat. Minimally this week I have to come to meet him. As fast as possible I have to meet him. Education Now I am talking about education in Indonesia. This is a key to make our country growing up. Through this thing our people can get what they want. The problem is on the chance to get to school. Only rich people who can go there. Mia. I want to speak to her. But I have to repress it because she still have no minimally comfort above 50 percent when she speaks to me on the phone. I have to wait her to phone me. If until this Saturday she does not phone me, I will not phone her until this month ends. When she phone me after that is alright. 7 June 2007 Thanks God. I am received in ashoka program. Lisa told me that I have to open my e mail to know the further information. Tomorrow morning I will go to internet to open my email. I hope I can join this program. I have to prepare the data that can make me easy to continue this program. What should I do? I just do it. This NGO is the first step to me to work at UN. I hope I can learn the good thing. I have to be focus on my theme. My theme is education. I have to prepare it. It is very important to know the detail of what I must do in my project. I have to make the proposal to convey my detail program. It is difficult if I think it is difficult. I have to think that it is very easy for me. Ya Allah please help me to join this program and do the best for my society. Make my mind and heart ready to do that. Help me to be consistent in doing this program. Without you I can do that. The next topic that I should understand is about the role of media communication in making the world peace. I can do this. Ya Allah please help me to do this paper to join the program of USA. People will know my thought through my writing. I need to convey my thought through my writing and especially through this essay competition. I can join it with your help. Make me easily to learn and write the topic. In the night is the best time to do that. Ya Allah please help me to get up at 01.30 a.m. every day. I need to pray and do that essay. Please help me. Amen. My expectations that come to my mind are many, so please help me to reach all. Thanks God you put those willing in my mind. 9June 2007 Thanks God, tomorrow I go to Bandung to join social entrepreneur training. What will I get there? I hope it can give me knowledge to empower my society. I have to prepare the things that I will bring there. The material that the committee order me to make is the paper or proposal. It contains the problems that relate to the topic that I take in my essay. This night I have to make it. Maximally tomorrow morning I have to make it. Tomorrow morning I have to go to internet to search the date relates to my essay. Especially the problem about Bojonegoro society that I have to bring as one of the topic that I take. Ya Allah please help me to do the best in this training. I hope I can get the better job next time. If I help another people, you will help me. Without helping others, you always help me. You are the best in my life. Thanks God you give me this good chance so I can make my ideal and expectation come true. Give me the better mind and perception about the problem coming to me. Give the bravery to do the best for my society. I will not call Mia if I go to Bandung. It is one of way to make me know about her care to me. What for I always take care of her if she never care about me. It is the best for me to concentrate to my expectation. I understand good woman will come to me if I am good. Girl is like a wind. They come and go. It is also as like me. I am also a wind. I come to meet women that I go to meet another women. What for I think of women, will be better I think of my God and reading sholawat. It can make me close to God. I let Mia goes from my mind. It is better for her and for me. If she is my next wife, she will come to me. I hope she becomes the good wife for her husband. 17 June 2007 Thanks God I have joined YSE program. I hope I can make the better life for my society. I will go home after this. I will make application letter to SKCK. I am afraid if I do not get it. Ya Allah, this afraid ness makes me think every time. Ya Allah please help me. Tomorrow morning I will go to police office to ask it. Then I will go to Surabaya to give it to Mas Amin. 18 June 2007 I have given the requirements to make passport to Mas Amin. Early august I will go to Philippine. I hope I can join Ashoka WSII. I have to make field assessment. I am still confused which part of place that I will work. I have two choices between Surabaya and my district. Ya Allah I hope this night I will find the answer. I need your help to make my program come true. Mia, what is happening with you? I phoned you but there was no answer. I guess your boy friend bring your mobile phone. I want to talk to you and clarify all the things that happens in my mind then I will finish it. I realize I can not live with you because you have the future relation with your boy friend. I want to listen from your mount that you will have a serious life with him so I will go away from your life. I have to concentrate in my carrier. This week I have to finish my problem with Mia. The essay of communication must be done in the end of June. The bad side of my life is no focus in doing everything. 19 June 2007 This morning I did not meet Mia. I still do not know the reason why she does it to me. She is still a mystery to me. The difficulty of my feeling is like this. I want to end this bad by telling her the truth. I am bored of thinking of her. It makes my hearth so sick. I understand it depends on my mind when I can manage this feeling. It is ok when I think of her but I have to control my mind in order to put her as my object. I am not her object. the darkness of my heart and also my mind can put me into the trouble that makes my life and my enjoyment of doing social activity become blur and gone. I have to put the happy situation when I do social activity. The first that I have to control is my feeling to be able to be happy. The intention is very valuable and important to make my body do all of the things. I like to do the social activity like making the good activity to other people or my society. Ya Allah I need money, when I work for social activity there is no payment for me. I need to fulfill my needs in order not to ask money to my parents. Please give me the job so I can fulfill my own needs. I do not want to ask my parents. Ya Allah, I know the problems that my parents have are so big. Without your help, those problems can not be done. Ya Allah the sickness of my brother is because of you who make it. Through your destiny, it happens. Right now I am asking you. Please give kesembuhan to my brother. Ya Allah please help my parents. You have put them in to the difficulties of life so long. Please give kesembuhan to my brother. 20 June 2007 My mind is so dark. It happens again. It makes me so difficult to concentrate in making my program done. While listening the song of Once with the title aku mau. I listened this song last night when I was waiting for Mia in wartel. This song has the same meaning as like my feeling with Mia. Ya Allah what makes my feeling like this. I want to cry. Please help me. This feeling disturbs me so much. You always see me every time and you always know me and my feeling. The love to Mia you also know it. Ya Allah it hurts me so much. Please forgive me. I realize this feeling comes from your decision to put it in my feeling. Without your permit ion, it cannot happen. Ya Allah if I say this feeling to her, it can make my future so difficult. I am shy if I tell to her. I still have a burden relates to my family. I can not have fun with the girl when my family is in difficult situation right now. How I can make Mia happy, if I can not make my parents happy. My parents are still having so many problems. Those problems can I call it with your tests. Ya Allah when will my parents tests you pass? Those tests come from you and only you who can help my family test. Ya Allah right now you are watching me, typing and asking you to make my family tests done. Please give kesembuhan to my brother. He is sixteen right now. I do not know when you will give kesembuhan to my brother. Last night and two days before I prayed to you to make my brother die or sembuh. Ya Allah please forgive me if I it is wrong. I think it is better for my brother and my family then my brother has to be in the sick situation and make my parents sad. Ya Allah I can not blame you in this case. Because I know you are the almighty. I am nothing without you. Every things that happen to my parents is because of you. You know the best for my parents. What the best for me is different with the best for you. The best for me can be the same with your willing. The best for me are the expectation to put my parents in happiness. The happiness can come from: kesembuhan my brother my parents can go to Mecca to pilgrimage. their debts are finished. their children are to be soleh persons. their expectations are coming. Ya Allah the darkness in my mind makes me so difficult to run well in life. I am shy if I think of Mia. The deserve thing is to think of You. Ya Allah if this feeling to Mia is bad please throw away from my mind. Change it with the feeling to you. Ya Allah please make my mind focus in my expectations. I have many things to do to make my expectations come true. This burden disturb me so much. Ya Allah. Is the feeling to Mia normal? Thanks God I love to Mia not to boy. Ya Allah please if Mia is my next wife, make me easily to make it come true. Make Mia loves me. Ya Allah but I can not propose her when I know she loves me because I still do not see my parents happy with their life. Please give kesembuhan to my brother. Ya Allah you are the responsible one in every test that happens to my parents life. I am asking you to make my life better and my family also become better. Ya Allah I want to empower my society but if you do not help me to solve my family problems, how can other people can trust to me. Ya Allah I see this phenomena in my community. Ya Allah love to Mia is very hurting me. I have given her my chance to love her but I still do not see the signs of her loving to me. She seldom phones me. I always start to phone her first. Ya Allah if this disturb me so much please throw the love and possessive feeling to Mia. It makes me difficult to reach and concentrate in reaching my expectations. I do not want make my parents disappointed to me. I want to see them happy in their life. Please give kesembuhan to my brother. Ya Allah if you give kesembuhan to my brother or you take my brother life in this month up to July. I nazar to tell to Mia about all of my feelings to her and my family problem and my asking to propose her to be my wife. It depends on her to receive or not. I will marry her in maximally next four years. Ya Allah please give kesembuhan to my brother or please take his life than I see my parents in sadness or I see the sadness and horrible life of my brother. Ya Allah please help me. Please help me help me help me help me. I hope after that the situation can help me to focus in making my society better in life. I want to empower my society. What should I do in making those come true? I only can pray to you every night and get up at 01.30 a.m. to make my heart, mind, body close to you. Please help me. This feeling to Mia makes me so difficult to think logically. Why I feel so tied with her. I can not see Mia in difficult life. Ya Allah I want to love Mia kekurangan and I always want to make Mia happy. In my opinion the key of life is close to you. Please help me to close to you. What I can do to close to you: praying jamaah subuh every day get up at 01.30. a.m. every day and pray tahajud. Then deep thinking. help other people through the program that you have put in my mind Writing is one of ibadah. always remember you by reading sholawat or tasbih Reciting holy quran every day minimally a half of juz. please give me another way to close to you Please help me to make my ibadah above run well. Please help me to close to you. Amin. Jl Monginsidi desa pacul rt.16 rw 03 no 99 bojonegoro. Faizin 30 June 2007 Although I am in the difficult problems, God helps me to make it easy it becomes easy. Ya Allah thanks god you give the cool feeling to face many problems. After joining study tour of BEMU, I have to work in order to make my responsible in front of you easily receive. Ya Allah please help me to enter and go with good things and give the good things. Ya Allah thank you very much you give me care to my society. I want to make my society, bojonegoro. I want to empower my society. I realize it is difficult and hard work but I have you who absolutely will help me because you have put those feelings in my heart. Please help me to close to you. I have to make my ability so appropriate to those things. Mia. Mia. I do not know what happens to you right now. I called your mobile but it was not active. I phoned your house but your sister said that you had been in Surabaya since Thursday. I came to your boarding house unfortunately you were not there. I brought the cake you ordered to me three weeks ago. I phoned your classmate but I got more worry. Eva said that you did not join to WBL (the class program visiting the marketing place). It makes me so worry about you. I am afraid if your girl friend rapes you than you make your life becomes so dark. You do not want to meet me and you feel shy. How if that thing happens. Ya Allah if you give me chance to make Mia as my wife with the condition like that I will do. If she wants me also, I will do and off course with your blessing. July 2007 Today I will come to Mia house but I must cancel it because my grandfather dies. After this I take my motorcycle. Last time I came to the office of making passport. I made it to go to Philippine. Next Friday I will go there again. This Friday in the afternoon I have program in BEMU. Upgrading program. It is a place to me to share with my friend about our insistent to work as activist. How about my planning with Mia to go to water park citra land. I will phone her after this or I will sms her to tell that I can not go to her house. I will make it as my debt or promise to her. WS2 will be held on 20-23 July 2007. will I come to this training or not? Ya Allah I have not made my assignment it is a difficult to chose because I have to chose between the field in my society or Surabaya society. Ya Allah tell me the easy way and I hope I can go to Bandung. Last Sunday I called Mia and I turned Once song with the title Aku Mau. Ambilah waktu untuk berdoa, karena itu sumber ketenangan. Ambilah waktu untuk belajar karena itu sumber kebijaksanaan. Ambilah waktu untuk bersahabat karena itu jalan menuju kebahagiaan. Ambilah waktu untuk memberi karena itu membuat hidup merasa berarti Ambilah waktu untuk bekerja karena itu nilai penentu keberhasialn. Ambilah waktu untuk beramal karena itu jalan menuju sorga. Ketika kita memohon kakuatan, Allah memberi kesulitan untuk membuat kitategar. Ketika kita memohon kebijaksanaan Allah memberi berbagai persoaalan hidup untuk diselesaikan agar kitabertambah bijaksanana. Ketika kita memohon kemakmuran, Allah memberi otak dan tenaga untuk mencapai kemakmuran itu. Ketika kitamemohon keteguhan hati Allah memberi bencana dan bahaya untuk diatasi. Ketika kita memohon cinta, Allah memberi orang-orang bermasalah untuk diselamatkan dan di cintai. Ketika keta memohon kemurahan, Allah memberi kesempitan-kesempitan yang silih berganti. Begitlah cara Allah membimbing kita. Tetaplah berjuang, berusaha, dan berserah diri kepada nya. July 2007 I met mbak Rida last night. She told me about trading export import business. She gave me her e-mail. I will bring her experience to Philippine. I hope I can meet the person who is in charge in that business so I can market the furniture or another product from Indonesia. I still have not done my homework of YSE. Lisa called me to ask me in order to meet Dita the advisor of my program. I need to meet her first than I will explain my willingness and objection about this program. Will I continuo this program or not? I do not know. I hope I can continuo this program. It is very important program to widen my link in order to empower my society. Ya Allah please help me to continuo this program. It is very good for me and I hope so. About Mia, I do not think of her continuously right now. Or deeply I have to concentrate to my carier first. I have to pay my promoise to her to ask her to go to water park. Next week is the appropriate time. July 15 is the fix schedule, I hope. I wish my brother is sembuh this month so I will do my nazar. 7—–July 2007 I need to force myself to do midnight prayer. At that time I have got up, but it is very difficult for me to directly stand up and go to bath room. I need to make my heart get up and does not delay to get up. I realize I need to do midnight prayer. I can put the motivation or spirit in order to make my heart and my soul directly get up also. What my reason to do midnight prayer? 1. I need to close to God so I do this activity. 2. I have many problems to solve in my life. The way to solve is through getting up in the night at 01.30 a.m. after that I pray. 3. the advantage of doing midnight prayer is to have the easy life in the world or here after. I can not guarantee my self to be in life tomorrow so I need to start my day in my life with the good thing as like getting early in the morning and doing midnight prayer. Yes I can do that. I can do midnight prayer every day. I hope in Philippine I can do this activity every day. I hope I can earn money there. I need to go to bank to save my money and I need to open account to put my money there. I will choose between BCA and Muamalat. Thanks God I get scholarship from the government. Right now I have Rp.6.000.000,next Wednesday I will pay Rp.3.000.000,- to rektorat. I will have cash Rp.2.500.000,I will take my money Monday to Tianshi amount Rp.220.000,- I have to take it. Should I take my money in my neighbor Rp.150.000,-:? I will send SMS to Yongky to pay his debt to me Rp.650.000,-. I have to collect my money from Anang and Nasikin Rp.300.000,- so I hope I can collect my money Rp.3.000.000,-. Ya Allah should I ask to them all. When I want to take my money from them I have no any heart because I remember my father‘s debt. I can imagine if someone who lend my father money come to ask. What can I do ya Allah? Please help me. Prigi ecoton jalan raya bambe no 115 gresik. 7508837. 11—July 2007 Sms from vivin Mentari pagi sudah menunggu tuk digapai Ilmu insani sudah menanti tuk di gali Jangan pernah ragu ayunkan langkah pasti Selamat jalani aktivitas, semoga diridhoi Sms from vivin Goresan cahaya semakin pucat Gelapnya malam semakin pekat Hembusan udara semakin cepat Dinginnya angina semakin tak bersahabat Ketika tirani kian merebak Ketika sedih kian memuncak Ketika hati kian terkoyak Ketika harapan kian tercampak Ketika keadaan kian terdesak Luka dihatikian menganga Semua harapan telah sirna Ingin berbagi tapi sendiri Ingin mengusir sepi Tapi tak ada yang menemani Ingin cerita tapi tak ada yang mau menemani Ingin cerita tak ada yang mau peduli Ingin tersenyum tapi tak ada yang menghibur Ingin menghapus lara tapi tak ada yang melipur Semoga Allah selalu mengkaruniakan ketabahan dan kesabaran kepadaku. Last time vivin sent me sms. She asked me about her status in my life. I said that she is my adviser. I really need to meet her and talk to her about her life and my life. Tuesday, 9 july 2007 my first visit to Mia house. I arrived there at around 10 a.m. and I went at around 10.45. a.m. I only recognized her step sister, I did not shake hand with her father. I want to know about her life. I want she becomes honest girl to me. She still covers her problem about love problem. She did not tell me about her relationship to her boy friend. I said to Mia‘s friend, Tanya about my intention to give my diary to Mia next time. In the right moment I will give my diary to her but I still do not know when I will give my diary to her, 14 July 2007 After watching Ghost Rider movie, I get the knowledge. It is about life knowledge. Yes. Life is a choice. There is always many choices in our life. If we can not determine or chose our choice, the choice will determine our life. So we are the responsible one to have the choice of our life. We can choose many choices that we can but there is always a choice that we can not determine that is destiny. Destiny is a God‘s choice. The important thing is that we can not know about the result of the choice of God (destiny). So why we always think about the destiny. Moreover we can change the destiny because we do not know our destiny. What we can choose is only to be the responsible one in our choice. life has always the choice and its couple, that is risk. The more we are sure of our choice, the easily we can handle the risk. Why we can master the risk? Because we have a belief to choose or determine our choices. What we see, feel, hear, smell and every verb that connect to the action of our part of body that have capacity to choose can help us to handle the risks in our life. There must be a risk or more in our choice. the decision to choose our destiny is only we know it and the result of it we also can know it because the result depends on the process. The better process we do the better result we have. What we can do with our body that have capacity to choose is to do the better process. In order to have the better process, we have to choose to determine our choice not to leave the choice determine our self and our life. Ya actually ashoka is one of the way for me to have the better process and I can have the many ways to make the better result in our life. The important is choosing our destiny with happy feeling, soul and heart. I decide t come to Yakita to meet Dita as my advisor in Ashoka program. I will tell my reason about my program right now. I try to submit my work to Ashoka. God please forgive me for every wrong step or choice that I choose in my life. The better process will I can get or do only with your guidance. I can determine my destiny through your help because you are the one who responsible in my life. The responsible to guide me in every choice that I determine, the responsible one for every destiny that happen to my self and my wholly life. I understand writing in the night is very nice and interesting because most of people are sleeping in this time. I can easily come to my God‘s circle. The circle that gives me power to help me in bringing my idea to write is needed for me. I hope I can do this activity every day. I sleep in around 9.p.m. then I get up at 01.a.m. to do my hobby writing in the night. Why I need to do this activity? It is my way to choose the destiny. It is my decision to close to God through writing. The important is I must be happy to do this and always waiting for this activity. I will prepare in the afternoon about what will I write in the early morning. The source to write comes from reading news paper, watching movie, every activity, feeling and willing in my day long activity. After doing writing up to around 3.a.m. I pray to think about what I write then in the morning I read it. Life is a repeated activity. Why do not we choose to put the repeated one with the good thing and the important for me and other people? I hope writing can help me and other people can know my idea. I realize the idea that comes to my mind, heart and soul is from my God. The closer we to God, the more amazing idea that we have. I hope those idea can remind people to always thank to God. How about me who always enjoy to say the bad words. Watching porn movie. It is not good for me because I will close my concentration to think about the people problem. The effect of watching porn film is to make my mind concentrate to do that in our daydream. Ya Allah please forgive me for every bad word I say, for every porn movie I watch. I am sorry. Sms from vivin Mnedekatlah pada Allah lebih dekat agar teguh dikala yang lainruntuh Agar tegar biarpun yang lainterlempar Agar istiqomah dikala yang lain lemah Agar sibuk beramal dikala yang lain santai. Good motivation If we do not make a choice, choice makes you. Why the choice has a risk? Because we want the risk. 16 July 2007 I have called CIka this morning but her mobile phone was not active. Then I sent her sms:: sory If I disturb u. five minutes later she asked me to phone her. I have called her unfortunately she was on the way she asked me to phone her next time. God what for I did that? What kind of use that activity. Calling new girl to have relation with. Why I like it? I want to make them as my wife. It is a silly thing. I need to meet the proper women to be my wife. My relation to Mia is not clear enough. Why I try to run from her and look for another girl to make a chat or have relationship. I have many unclear friends to be my wife. Vivin I recognized her through chatting. She is a religious girl. I still can not see her face, her photo. She is studying at UNJ. I make a chat with her almost a year. Cika She is palembang girl. I know her through chatting. She is beautiful because I know her face through friendster. I phoned her this morning but she was in the car or on the way. Yanty She is studying at Universitas Muhammadiyah Gresik. I promise to meet her. I promise to come to her house at GKB. This month I hope I can pay my promise. Those three girl makes me want to get in touch with them. But what for I do that. I run from one girl to another. It is not good for my future because I lost my time and concentration to my dream. It is like a mistake because I have not done my relationship with Mia. I have to decide what kind of relation I want. I have to clarify and make the relation with Mia become so clear. It is a must for me to end my status with Mia with the clarification of my status in her life. I have to tell to her about my feeling. It is not a mistake or a trouble when I try not to say to her about my feeling. It is the best for me then I have to spend my time for the girl that play my hearth will be better I say to her about my feeling. I have to find the correct exact wife for my future. She is my advise, partner not only in this world but also in the here after. I imagine my wife wake me up in the night to do a midnight prayer together. It is the best ideal wife for my willing. Do Mia have that character and to be my ideal wife? I have to know it as soon as possible. 10 malam Why I feel so guilty this night? I think about my bad habitual activity. Why I fell shy to Manaf about the bad habit of me. 18 july 2007 I called Mbak Lisa to tell about my decision not to join and continue the program of Ashoka, I think it is better for me because I can not have totality time in this program. Thanks God I will go to Philippines. I need to bring money as my save in that place. God I need mobile phone. Should I buy with the camera mobile phone? I give my mobile to Mbak Izmi and I ask money for the guarantee. I borrow the bag to mbak Izmi because I have no enough money to buy. What kind of preparation that I should do to this program? I hope I can have the business relation with Philippines people. I is the advantage that makes me so easily to face my future next time. 19 July 2007 I get this good sms. I will send it to Mia but I do not know when I send this love words. Kukirim 1,000,000 senyuman, 1 untuk hari ini & kamu simpanlah 999,999 didalam hatimu. keluarkanlah 1 per 1 bila kamu mengingatiku, pasti kamu akan turut tersenyum…=) Andainya sang bayu menyentuhi paras wajahmu, itulah hembusan rinduku, yang menyebut namamu, setelah kian lama tak jumpa.. mgenalimu 1 keindahan..bergurau dgnmu,1 kbahgiaan.. menyakiti hatimu, ku cuba elakkan.. dan 1 pmintaanku, biar phubungan kita kekal berpanjangan… I came to Mia boarding house without calling her as like I did before. She was sleeping then she woke up. She slept from 2.00 p.m. I told her about the planning that we could not go to water park. She asked me to go there on Monday but I can not do that. She decided to go there next month after I come back from Philippines. ya Allah I start to think of Mia again. Two weeks before today I seldom think deeply about her but after I met her this afternoon, my mind feel so love her. I do not care about her feeling to me. Does she think of me or not? I do not. While I am listening the song with the title DO you dream of me. I imagine Mia seldom or moreover never think of me. So what for I am always thinking of Mia? It makes me so sick of my life but I have to continuo my life. Is she my next wife or not? Actually thins feeling disturbs me so much but I need to tell her about my feeling as soon as possible. I need to tell her because it is better for her and for me. I do not want to disturb Mia‘s life so I have to explain my feeling to her. I need to tell it. The love feeling to Mia. I realize I can get easily forger her and not to think of her but I can not do this because I feel guilty not to tell the truths to her. If I get trapped in this situation all the time it will make my life becomes faded. I do not want to do the same thing as like I did last time before I met Mia. I come to the girl then I love her. After I approach her for a moth my love becomes gone. I do not want to do this to Mia. I love her and think of her starting 3 april 2007. then the love to her go down until I ever bored of her but I have not told my feeling to her. I understand that easily get bored of woman is my habit but Mia makes my life different. She makes me think of her more than a month. I usually leave to think the women I am attracted maximal a month but Mia has different character. She makes me always think of her more than three month although the love to her is up and down. But right now my love to her is rising. I can not say my love to her. I have my nazar that I will tell to her about my feeling if God gives kesembuhan to my brother this July or my brother dies this July. Ya Allah please forgive me if my nazar is not good. I am shy to tell about my feeling to Mia while my family is in trouble. The long ujian kehidupan from you. I can not have fun with the girl while my parents are in difficult life. I cancel to go to water park because one of the reason I remember my parents life. They are in difficult life. My brother is sick. I can not do that. I went around Surabaya to get money changer. Thanks God I got it. I am afraid if the money is kurang. I have you God, ya Allah who always help me in every situation including in this love feeling I get. I am ashamed of having relationship with the girl while my parents are in difficult life. I want to compose my book. When I can get it? Thanks God you give me the chance to be able to type using ten fingers. It is not by chance situation. You have arranged it. It is the ability that I need to get my dream come true. I need to get up at 01.30. a.m. this morning to pray and think deeply about my life and about my relationship with Mia. Ya Allah please help me to close to you. I did not pray tasbih for three days. Please forgive me. I hope I can do this because I want to close to you. You are needed for my life. I can not change my bad character without your help. Saying the bad words is my bad habit. Please help me to change it. I can not force Mia to love me. But I need to tell my feeling to her. It is true that love is not always memiliki I can love Mia but I do not care if I get her love. The first thing is to tell my love. dreams within inside of me you deny here we are I wonder as we got far Tell the answer that I will find Do you dream of me? 24July 2007 Writing diary again. Saturday I went to my previous course. I met Azam. He is a teacher of SPMAA. Then I came to this place. I met gus Amirul. He is the leader of Walsama NGO. SPMAA is a good place for me to learn about islam. I want to close to You ya Allah. You give me chance to have the teacher on learning Islam and the true tauhid. I hope I can learn in that place next month after I come back from Philippine. 30 July I will go to Philippine. I hope I can have a relation business with the people of Philippine. Where is God? God is in this universe. I can learn how to close to my God. Firstly I have to force my self to read 5000 . 26 july 2007 I got information about going to Philippine. This program is delayed again until 2 august. I hope it is the best for me. I hope my brother can get well before that date. Should I tell Mia about it. I have promised to her about going to Water park. Tomorrow I will call her and tell about it or I keep it. Telling her about it or not is not important for her life because I realize she never cares about me about my life. What for I have to think of her. But I can not stop to think of her. What is wrong with me? Ya Allah please help me. Life is easy when we are so close to God. I have to make it come true in my life. I need to close to God. I want to get up early in the morning and doing pray. I have to do the effort to make my body, soul and mind get used to think of God. The way is to read 5000 Al fatihah. Should I give my diary to Mia? I have tell to her friend about it. I will give to her but I will select the related diary that connected to her. I must do midnight prayer in order to make myself close to God. You are the owner of this life so it is so foolish if I do not make myself close to you. I know to life in the world is difficult. It is a risk to be a human being. Every body feels it how hard to life in the world. The key is to close to God. Ya Allah when I heard about Agung said this afternoon I feel so guilty of myself. You have given me chance to succeed in this world but I did not do continuously or istiqomah. I count the good chances that I left: Ashoka Privatan ukim ukki bemu kbs ya Allah please forgive me. I thought that is not appropriate for me. I am still looking for the appropriate good activity for me. Please help me to succeed using the activity that I like. Please I want to be the writer, journalist, businessman and social entrepreneur. Ya Allah please forgive me because I did not istiqomah in doing the chances you give. I want to start doing something with the good and to end something with the good too. Please ya Allah put the istiqomah character in my self. I want to have it and please help me to be in the correct istiqomah way according to you. Please help me to find my ability in my self that make me to be useful person in my society. Please ya Allah help me only that I can do. You are my teacher only you the best teacher to make me succeed in this world and hereafter. 27 July 2007 I met bolong. He is difficult to meet. Why I want to meet him? I want to get the link. I want to have the source of earning. Why I do that. I have God. I have to close to God. I opened www. Pembelajar.com and I try to get the new activity in order to be a writer. I am sure I can do that. The help can become a writer. How about me? I am a literature student. The different is about motivation and istiqomah. I have to do this activity. Reading and writing to make this program get ok. 30 July 2007 Three days I did not do midnight prayer. I hope I can do it this night. I will get up at 01.30 a.m. it is very difficult for me to do it istiqomah if I do not force my self to do that. Life is a group of a day. Every single day that I face is a group of my life. One day we get success to do something we want and it is useful for our life. We can succeed in our life. The problem is to make our self consistent to do it every single day. If you succeed in every single day you have you get successful in your life. I must force my self to do the arrangement activity. I get up at 01.30 a.m. praying and reading and writing. What I have to emphasize in my every single day is to read sholawat minimally a hundred, tasawuf deed. Today I will call Mia. Almost two weeks I did not call her. I will ask her to go to water park. I have promised to invite her to go to that place. I lost her phone number. I do not know what happens to me. Why I don‘t have any heart to live her from my life. I ever said to my self that I will make her as my wife. Is it the cause of difficult to loose her face from my mind? I do not know. She did not call me at 27 July. I told her that I would go to Philippine on that day but she did not care about me and my life. I asked her a question about my position in her life. She considered me as her friend, best friend, and brother. Why she said like that if she did not care about my life. Calling me when I want to go abroad for a month is very important to do when I have a friend to do that. Should I leave her from my life? It is very upset for me to think of her. I know that she uses me to do her homework from her friend. She ever told to her friend about her relation to me. I can go away from her life. But I do not have any heart to do that. I have principal to start my relation with every body with a good start and I do not want to finish my relation with them. It also happens to Mia. I do not want to go away from her life. I love her. Why I get difficulty to loose her in my mind. I am usually interested in girl then very easy for me to do that. I mean to loose their face from my mind after I get busy thing. After I know about her life, I can not leave her. I feel I have to help her to accompany her to face the difficult life. What I feel right now is about her careless to me. She never considers me as a friend, moreover as her best friend or brother. I know she lies to me. This is life and I will leave her after I tell about my problem to her. About our relation and my intention to approach her. After that I will ask her about our relation. Is it continuously working or offered. I understand it is easy for me to concentrate to do my own works that makes me easily to forget to make relation with girl. I don‘t know until when I will live as a single men in this life. I get difficulty to fall in love with girl using my soul to love her. I easily love girl using my mind than after a week I forget to love them again. It is like the bad habit for me that always happen since I make my girl disappointed to me because I leave her without any clearly clarification. God please forgive me. I do not want to hurt women so that why I am lazy to approach the girl. My lip is very dangerous because of it I make the girl disappointed to me. 1 august 2007 After calling Mia, I decided to give this diary. Mia, see u next September. I hope we are still alive. This morning I will go to Jakarta then go to Philippine. Ya Allah I have told my feeling to Mia. I am shy to you. Ya Allah I get bored of having relation with the women. I want to close to you. Ya Allah please help me to close to you. Please give me easy thing to get my expectation. This exchange student can make my way to help my bojonegoro society easily come. Ya Allah please help me to concentrate in this program. I hope I can pray five times a day every day.