Murmur Issue One Wellbeing by fdh56iuoui



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About the Medical Book Centre
So much to say, so little space. Here’s the short version: Born in 2002; Daddy was a doctor motivated to provide a cheaper
alternative to campus bookshops; We have a spacious shop on the fringe of Brisbane CBD at Milton (see map below), and
an even bigger online shop at; We sell medical/health-related textbooks/reference books,
multi-media products, charts, models, gifts and novelty items, and we love what we do.

                                            Unit B (Upstairs)
                                                                                            Our legion of loyal and happy
                                            27 Douglas St, Milton, Qld 4064
                                                                                            customers around Australia
                                            (Between Haymans Electrical and
                                                                                            regularly say nice things about
                                            Cleaners Warehouse with customer
                                                                                            us. It seems they are very
                                            parking right outside the shop.
                                                                                            impressed by:

                                                                                             •   Our great prices
                                                                                             •   Our personal service
                                            Monday to Friday: 9am to 5.30pm
                                                                                             •   Our attention to detail
                                            Saturday: 9am to 2pm
                                                                                             •   Our book-sleuthing skills
  Welcome to the first issue of Murmur, made with love
    by the GUMS Publication team for you. You’re stressed.
   You’re busy. You’re contemplating dropping out and opening
a French patisserie. We understand. So, sit back with a cup to tea
              and enjoy the inane musings of your peers. Forget
                             some of your worries,
                                                    Cait x
                                                         Murmur n.
                                                         a rumour
                                              a soft indistinct sound made
                                                  by a group of people
                                                a low continuous sound,
 who did what                                        almost inaudible
                                                                                                  what’s inside
                                               a recurring sound heard in
 editor      caitlin witt MBBS II                        the heart,                           president’s welcome
 sub editor francine hosking MBBS II                 a sign of disease                 give homeostasis a chance
                                                                                                 diary of an addict
 illustrations aditi rai MBBS I                                                                 married to the med
 photos         caitlin witt MBBS II                                                                             food
                james lonie MBBS II                                                            kiwis are people too
                                                                               generational liason officer report
 contributers                                                                             narcoleptics anonymous
                laura stitz MBBS III                                                                            wired
                charlotte quain MBBS II                                      the first 30 days of the rest of my life
                libby ashton-jones MBBS I                                                       must see comedies
                erika fernandes MBBS II                                                                the joy of tea
                danielle newman                                                                           on the job
                scott newman MBBS II                                                               you have what?
                ben ryan MBBS II                                                        spotlight on GUMS position
                kwong djee chan                                                                                    surf
                francine hosking MBBS II                                                       music to escape uni
                tom solano MBBS II                                                                          last word
                jana westerhof MBBS II
                lauren macIvor MBBS I
                anna shirley MBBS II
                jen mcauliffe MBBS I
                nick ioannou MBBS II
                gel lynch MBBS II
                tamara johansen MBBS I
                claire mcallister MBBS I
                charlie noonan MBBS II

 advertising    ben gerhardy MBBS III

*If you’ve got something to say, an embarrassing medical moment, a funny joke, a sketch from your lecture
pad, an article, a photo, an overheard quote, or you’ve caught someone sneaking a nap in the library with
drool dripping onto their notes, please send it in. We’d love to hear from you.

The GUMS Publications Team welcomes all submissions from students, partners of students, Griffith staff and
friends. To join jump onto our Facebook group “GUMS Publication Team” or send
an email.

                                            murmur is proudly published by


                     murmur is published four times a year by the GUMS publications team. views
                         expressed by authors are not necessarily those of griffith university.
                                                 copyright is reserved.
                                           President’s report

  I can’t believe it’s April already. GUMS has been keeping all Griffith med students busy with both work and
play – after all, balance is important. We’ve had orientation, Dis-Orientation Camp, Scrub Crawl, professional
 speakers, Movie club, AMSA Convention registration, seen second years through a set of exams, appointed
year level and hospital reps, given away a stethoscope, sold out of nude calendars, cleaned the fridge, and
      been to plenty of meetings to represent students. Above is a snapshot of a great start to the year.
                                                                              Give homeostasis a chance
                                                                             Griffith’s happiest grief expert
                                                                          Kwong Djee Chan talks about the
                                                                                    importance of balance.

Dear students,                                                     As I am writing this letter, I am doing the same thing,
                                                                   trying to see your struggle. I can see that it is frustrating
When I was given the opportunity to write something on             that you don’t usually know how deep you should study,
self care, I thought English is after all my 2nd language, so      it is frustrating that there is always unexpected paper
instead of a formal article I decided to write you all a letter    work, it is frustrating that this whole medical thing has
instead, so that its less formal and I can be excused for any      taken up most of your life and at times you forgot who
grammar mistakes.                                                  you were and wonder what you will become. As those
                                                                   thoughts enter my mind, I breathe and behold them; I
Since first years have just finished the homeostasis block, I      let homeostasis takes over, and just be. By doing that I
thought I use that to start with. As I look back on that block,    am aware of my anxiety but not being kidnap by it, I am
one thing that comes to mind is, our body never gives up in        aware of my frustration but I do not feed it more energy,
maintaining its inner balance, unless the individual has an        instead I focus on writing this letter because today is my
inherit genetic condition, most of the time the body takes         dead line.
care of itself. The unfortunate thing is our mind tries its best
to get our body out of its homeostatic balance. It can be          Giving homeostasis a chance means try not to interfere
staying up late, over drinking, recreational drugs or              with the natural state of your body and be gentle to
overeating. But why? Why do we do that and why can’t               yourself. Yes, it is easier said than done. At times we
we give homeostasis a chance to do its job?                        need life to fall apart to remind ourselves of how we are
                                                                   driving ourselves insane. You might still ask, how do I not
In my recent visit back to my home town, about 1,000               do that? As you might have predicted, my answer is to
people showed up in my talks about emotional                       start with your deep breaths, and remember your initial
management and handling difficult emotions (death and              intention of entering medical school. The less you
separation). One thing I pointed out to them is the                interfere with homeostasis the more efficient you will be.
importance of going back to our original mind. From the            When you feel like doing something unhelpful, bring
homeostatic point of view the original mind is the neutral         your awareness to that. You might still do it, but being
balance mind set. For me, deep breath is one of the skills         aware is always a good start. Just like how I am writing
that can bring me back to the present and just be. For you,        this letter and procrastinating about my thesis writing.
it might be a hot bath or it might be making cup cakes. It
can be anything, as long as it’s not burdening your body in        Our body tries our whole life to be in balance, so give it
a negative way.                                                    a go. Let your balanced body support your balanced
                                                                   mind. Studying medicine is hard enough so don’t make
Another thing I learned recently is to try my best to see and      it even harder for yourself.
recognise the struggle of another person. Instead of
reacting to each other with conflict, we acknowledge the           Take care and be gentle to yourself.
other persons struggle. Strangely enough, when I do that in
my mind, the person then tends to be less defensive and            All the best.
more receptive.
                                                                   Kwong djee joins palms

A Self Care workshop will be held on July 21st. Please let Kwong know of any suggestions
for topics and issues you’d like covered.
Diary of an Addict
Just because Facebook says you’ll be an
Orthopedic Surgeon does not mean you
will be. Charlotte Quain exposes her
embarrassing obsession.

 Saturday 20th February                                    11:15 am Apparently I will be award-winning
 9 am. Sit down at desk to begin case one of Gastro        orthopaedic surgeon. Wonder if these quiz results can
 block but first, a quick Facebook check.                  go on resumes?

 9: 36am OK, bit of delay due to 100 Scrub Crawl photos    12:02 pm Hmmmm, after a bit of a Facestalk, I have
 posted. Am not in any of them. Bit disappointed as        located hot-random-pash guy. Turns out he is a friend
 would have liked to have checked how my hair and          of a friend of my friend! Score! I can totally ‘friend
 makeup held up during the night but still manage to       request’ him, right?
 view each photo and do quick search for myself in
 background. Make a few obligatory comments such           1: 35 pm Bastard has not confirmed me yet. How the
 as: “OMG! You look so pretty!” although they totally      hell am I supposed to look through his photos, groups
 didn’t but now everyone will think I’m a lovely person.   and friends to see if he is normal?
 Now have entire day to finish LOs. Hurrah! Am so
 organised.                                                2: 05 pm Oh… so he confirmed but may reject due to
                                                           his membership of: ‘Crocs! What a great shoe’, “Fuck
 9: 42 am Just a quick check for more photos.              off, We’re Full” and ‘The Whitney Houston
                                                           appreciation group’.
 9.45 am Refresh.
                                                           2:06pm Oh lord. He has a Farmville album. DELETE.
 9:56 am OMG hideous photos of me have been
 tagged. WTF?! Hair and makeup did not hold up well.       2: 10 pm Ok, back to work.

 10:15 am Have untagged the bloody lot and feeling         2: 35 pm Am currently at 7/11 for snack break but will
 slightly better but am quite disturbed that the photos    just have a 2 second Facebook newsfeed check
 are now permanently online. What if that random that I    while I’m waiting to pay…
 pashed sees them? Must persuade perpetrator to
 delete horrid photos. Argh!                               2:36 pm WTF! ** names withheld ** have finished all
                                                           GIT block LOs. Is that a fucking joke!? Who
 10:25 am Right, am very busy and important medical        broadcasts that? Must not fret, will do a quick ‘like’
 student that can rise above this. Back to GIT LO’s and    and comment: “am so glad that you finished too! Did
 learning all to do with…the…*checks notes*       mine yesterday! YAY! *insert smiley face *“ Two can
 the stomach. Yes. That’s what I’m doing.                  play at that game. Muhahaha.

 10: 35 am Have decided no more Facebook and will          2:40 pm Back. To. Work.
 become top ranking student and probably some
 award-winning surgeon. Hmmm, can surgeons win             2:42 pm Oooh,, a quiz on Scrubs…
 awards? Will wiki it.
                                                                                          Married to the Med
                                                                            Dani Newman discovers a name
                                                                                     for the pain of the ever
                                                                                  suffering Medical Spouse.

I can hear it only faintly at first. A high pitched wailing that   substance abuse or even compassion fatigue; but it
gives way to a raw guttural howl that ignites the retort of        could also be MSSS.
the neighbourhood dogs in unison. I creep silently to the
door of the study and open it just a crack. I can see he is        So, apart from all of the very real and serious
wearing his lab coat and the plastic surgeon’s headlight           manifestations of MSSS, on a day to day basis, my life
my niece bought him as a joke when we found out he got             has changed a lot since my previously normal husband
into med school. The internet browser is open at Google Dr         became a med student.
and I notice the anatomy poster on his wall has been torn
in half. He senses me watching him and turns slowly                   •   Time is now measured in ‘days until exams’
around in his chair, his eyes widened with horror. “I’m not           •   I have been desensitised to the word ‘cadaver’
smart enough to be a Doctor!” he shrieks, before pitching             •   I constantly have to reassure him he doesn’t
forward onto the floor, knocking himself unconscious. I rush              have <insert whatever disease is being studied
quickly to his side “…think think, DRABC, do they still do                that week here>
that? Shit…Danger, Response…” I grab the nearest                      •   An awful lot of conversations begin with “In
textbook and locate “unconscious” in the index. Page                      Kumar and Clark…”
9684 - just as I thought – examinitis! The recommended                •   Family & friends have started asking me to take
treatment is a daily neck massage and a healthy dose of                   a look at their rashes
perspective. The prognosis is good; symptoms should
disappear within hours of the final exam. I leave him              And what have I learned so far?
resting in the recovery position under his desk.
                                                                      •   A whole bunch of useless Latin terms for my
Medicine can be stressful for students but it’s a very difficult          body parts
time for their significant others who live with the moodiness,        •   Said Latin terms are not ‘sexy talk’!
self-doubt, tantrum throwing and medical terminology                  •   Unfortunately housework is not one of my med-
diarrhoea of a burgeoning doctor.                                         student-husband’s        many         & varied
                                                                          procrastination activities
In the hunt for research to support my claim I was both               •   When you need A4 paper, you need it NOW!
astonished and relieved to find that there is a name for my           •   The breasts are a very important ‘organ’ - why
bedside-lamp-shining-in-my-eyes-until-2am induced misery.                 else would my med-student-husband insist on
The American Journal of Psychiatry published an article in                examining mine for cardio, respiratory, gastro
1978 entitled “The Medical-Student Spouse Syndrome:                       and endocrinology?
Grief Reactions to the Clinical Years”. Next time you’re on               Everything really must be connected…
clinical placement and you come across a patient who
presents    with   fatigue,   loneliness,   irritability and       Please, sign the petition to have MSSS recognised in
hallucinations about pharmaceutical company funded                 version 5 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
vacations, don’t be too quick to jump to a conventional            Mental Disorders
diagnosis. Sure, it could be hypochondriasis, a
psychosomatic disorder, depression,
* james lonie takes photos of places we’d rather be
      Anna Shirley urges you to escape from library.
      Seriously. Leave now.

Springbrook                        Pimpama                           The Spit                       Broadbeach

Located about 45 minutes           Home to the Strawberry            For all those water babies     From up-market
from Southport, Springbrook        Farm and Zorbing, and only        out there, its time you        restaurants and bars, to
National Park seems like a         a few exits up the                made your way to the Spit      chilled-out parks and
world away. Get lost in the        motorway, Pimpama is a            (that stretch of water         beaches, Broadbeach
breathtaking bushwalks and         great little getaway for the      between Southport and          has it all. Basically it
natural scenery. There are a       weekend. The Strawberry           Marina Mirage). Whether it     doesn't have the same
wide range of walking              farm operates all year            be jet skiing, kayaking, or    date-rape drug vibe that
opportunities, ranging from        round, and not only offers        jet boating that takes your    Surfers seems to reek of,
300m to 54km, depending on         seasonal strawberries to          fancy, or you prefer to        and is more family-
your fitness level. Having         gorge yourself on until you       enjoy the all that the deep    friendly. Broadbeach is
done both the Twin Falls and       turn into jam, but also has       blue has to offer from a       also just far enough
Purling Brook circuits, I feel I   farm animals and the like         safe vantage point whilst      away from Southport,
have the authority to say that     to keep you entertained.          fishing, being at the spit     that you can forget the
visiting Springbrook is            Fancy a bit more                  allows you to find your sea    million LOs you still have
definitely worth your while.       adrenaline? Two minutes           legs and breath in that        to do, forget that you’re
However, I am Tasmanian,           away from the Strawberry          intoxicating ocean spray at    even a medical student
and because bushwalking is         Farm you’ll find Ozball, a        the same time. If you don't    and just be a normal
practically a way of life for us   company that allows you           have your own jet              person with a normal life
2-headed creatures, I may          to challenge your senses as       ski/kayak/fishing gear, you    (oh, to dream). The
be biased. There are also          you’re sent hurtling down a       can either ask a mate or       restaurants are also a
BBQ facilities as well as night    hill in what looks like a giant   contact one of the local       delight catering for every
bushwalking tours where you        ovum with you as the              companies on and around        budget. Boonchu is my
can explore caves                  sperm inside. Just to make        the spit. Kayaking starts at   favourite cheap
illuminated by glow-worms.         it more realistic, you also       around $20, and jet skiing     restaurant at Broadie,
Not convinced yet?                 have the option of sloshing       from $80. There is also the    with mains around $14
Springbrook also has an            about in water as you do          GUMS Recreational Fishing      and huge servings.
AMAZING hand-made fudge            this. Prices for this can be      Club which you can join on     Arigatou is another
shop. Who said you can’t           on the expensive side, so         Facebook (search GUMS          favourite, although the
have your bushwalk and stuff       remember to get your              RFC).                          mains are slightly more
your face too?                     sugar-daddy to shout you.         For further info, visit:       expensive, starting
For more information on how        For more info:                    http://www.surfersparadise     around $20. But, being a
to get there and what else is!    Teppanyaki restaurant
available, visit:                                                  you can get a front-row                                        seat to watch how they
/parks/springbrook/        au/business/the-strawberry-                                      cook your meal. Dinner
ml                                 farm/pimpama                                                     and a show!
Mt Tamborine                    Farmers’ markets                Pac Fair/Harbour                 Ikea
A bit like Springbrook,         Found in the heart of                                            The home of “cheap
but with wineries and           Southport at the Gold           There’s no better therapy        things you don't need
cafes. Mt Tambo (as the         Coast Turf Club, the            than retail therapy. That’s      but have to have”,
locals like to call it) is 40   Farmers’ Markets are a          right guys and gals, time to     including a $2.95 cooked
minutes out of Southport        place where you can sit         bring out that fantastic         breakfast of hashbrowns,
and offers similar              and eat breakfast whilst        plastic and spend your           bacon, tomato and
bushwalks to                    catching up with friends, or    exam-related troubles            scrambled eggs. Until
Springbrook, but also           buy your fruit and veg for      away. I instantly feel more      earlier this year when I
boasts many other               the week from local             soothed and calm simply          moved out of home, I
activites. From day spas        farmers. The quality of the     by walking into David            was an Ikea virgin and
and wine tours, to              produce exceeds all             Jones at Robina and              blissfully unaware of the
Scarecrow festivals and         expectations, and you can       looking at the latest            Swedish goodness that
local produce markets,          be assured that your            season’s Sass and Bide tops      was within arms reach. I
Mt Tamborine has a lot to       money is going straight to      and jeans, or walking into       had heard many-a-tale
offer. A place that             the farmer, and not into        the M.A.C. make-up               from fellow med students
caught my eye was the           the pockets of corporate,       department in Myer Pac           about this mysterious
Tamborine Mountain              money-hungry fat cats           Fair and sampling yet            place, insisting “you
distillery, which makes         who’s names sound like          another eye shadow I don't       have to go because it’ll
unusual combinations of         ‘Moles’ and ‘Toolworths’.       need (it really is a different   be the most amazing
vodka, gin and liqueurs.        But aside from doing a          shade of black I promise).       place you’ll ever visit in
Peppered vodka or pink          good deed, your stomach         But even if I don't have         you entire life!” I was
gin anyone? Something           will also be satisfied as you   money to burn (which is          sceptical at first,
else to check out is the        find yourself buying home-      almost always, being a           because how amazing
unique rainforest skywalk,      made Belgian chocolate          student) I still find window-    could one place actually
which allows you to             brownies, authentic Italian     shopping just as                 be? As it turns out, words
explore the canopies            pasta, felafel burgers,         therapeutic and a good           can’t really do justice to
and local wildlife a bit        omelettes and freshly           excuse just to get out of        the exquisite place that is
more closely. Either way,       baked bread. So get             the house. Give it a go,         Ikea. It’s not just a
Tambo is definitely a           down to the Gold Coast          and try to take a rich           furniture store, it's a
place to get lost in (and       Turf Club and support the       boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/     destination to happiness.
a perfect way to distract       local community every           mother/father/                   Who doesn’t love a 17-
yourself from anatomy           Sunday from 6am-11am.           grandparent/aunt/uncle/c         piece set of Tupperware
revision). For more             For more information, go        ougar/sugar-                     for only $6.95? NO ONE.
information, go to:             to:                             daddy/anything who can           So get on the motorway
http://www.tamborinemt                                          maybe buy you a little           and take exit 23 to get            http://www.goldcoastturf.c      something.                       hooked on flat-packed
http://www.tamborinem                                          furniture goodness.       Markets/10087/                                                   Disclaimer: shopping at
ex.htm                                                                                           Ikea has been known to
http://www.rainforestsky                                                                         be addictive – you have                                                                                     been warned.
  Jen McAuliffe & Nick Ioannou hate being hungry.

Nick’s Mum’s Pastichio                                    Jen’s Magic Chocolate Mug Cake
(Ba – Sti – Cho)
                                                          I kno w ! I couldn’t believe it either – it really is as
1 Packet of thick spaghetti                               good as it sounds and it has the added bonus that it is
500 grams of Mince (alternatively can use: veges or       only the size of a mug and not a whole normal cake,
tinned tomatoes)                                          so if you gorge and eat the whole thing there isn’t as
2 Onions                                                  much of a reason to hate yourself later. Of course –
Italian Herbs                                             they are incredibly easy to make, so once you’re
Olive Oil                                                 through with the first, its difficult to ignore the
Packet white sauce (You need 2 packets) OR you can        temptation of just making a ne w one.
make real white sauce/Béchamel sauce (roux with
butter, salt, flour, milk)                                4 Tablespoons Plain Flour
Grated Cheese                                             4 Tablespoins Sugar ( white is best)
                                                          2 Tablespoons Cocoa
To make Bolognaise sauce: Dice onions and fry in          1 Egg
olive oil, add 1-2 finely diced cloves of garlic, herbs   3 Tablespoons Milk
until the aroma fills your kitchen.                       3 Tablespoons Oil
Add the mince and fry until brown.                        1 Large-ish Mug
Add two tablespoons of tomato paste and 1 bottle of
spaghetti sauce, and stir                                 Mi x flour, sugar and cocoa in a large-ish lightly
Add a dash of maple syrup & a pinch of cinnamon &         greased (and micro waveable) mug.
stir                                                      Add egg and stir
Mix cooked spaghetti and sauce and pour into a            Add oil and mix well
large baking dish                                         Put in micro wave (on high po wer) for 2! -3minutes
Make up the white sauce (or make from scratch) and        Wait until the cake has stopped rising and set before
pour over the spaghetti until completely covered          you remove it from the micro wave and devour.
Sprinkle grated cheese on top of white sauce until
completely covered                                        For all you death by sugar fans out there – I have
Bake in oven at 180 degrees for 30 minutes                heard (though have not been game to try) that you
                                                          can add choc chips throughout or a dollop of peanut
                                                          butter to the middle of the mug to get a deliciously
                                                          gooey centre.
Kiwis are people too
Erika Fernandes outlines the pros and
cons of being a Kiwi in bogan

Kia ora bro. Although it feels a million miles away, we really    I recommend working, as it’s nice to get away from uni
aren’t far from home. South-east Queensland is home to            and meet people outside of medicine. It’s also a nice
more of our indigenous people than Australian indigenous          way to avoid malnutrition, but if you do find yourself
so really it’s more like NZ here than it is in NZ. There’s even   malnourished don’t worry, you’re allowed Medicare.
this bird called a water hen that looks exactly like a pukeko.
Choice.                                                           Having to pay your fees up front (because you don’t
                                                                  qualify for HECS) and not getting the bloody 20%
PROS                                                              discount! Another piece of idiocy that you’ll just have
You can earn a shitload more money here than back home.           to accept
I’m a casual at Officeworks on $21.75/hr, hardly pay any tax
and get all the tax I do pay back. Woo. Hoo. The Australian       Southport is so bogan. If you’ve been to West
Dollar. Way better than the NZ dollar.                            Auckland (or watched Outrageous Fortune) you
                                                                  would’ve noticed that Southport is quite possibly worse
It’s warm here. Sometimes a little too warm, but gone are         and you’d be extremely alarmed by this. Just close your
the days of icy cold southerly winds from effing Antarctica       eyes and imagine you’re in a happy place where
shooting partially frozen rain at right angles to your face.      people wear shoes
This means that in “winter” you’ll be hitting the beach and its
22°C water when they’re all complaining that it’s “freezing”.     No ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation). You
                                                                  might not think this is a big deal, until you trip down the
Medicine is only 4 years, it’s graduate entry, and just all       stairs at uni and break your ankle – it’s been done
round way better than studying it at home                         people. In this case, you’re pretty much screwed unless
                                                                  you have somehow been able to afford private health
Waitangi Day is celebrated, hangi and all. We don’t even          cover. At times like these you’ll be thankful you’re
celebrate it at home anymore, so really, this is more like NZ,    allowed Medicare but would trade it for Centrelink so
than…NZ.                                                          you could afford shoes with tread so you wouldn’t slip in
                                                                  the first place
Kiwi shops. There’s one here in Southport, near the
Courthouse, and also in Parklands near the main campus.           No one here has seen Once Were Warriors, so if you tell
They’re stocked with awesome things like freshup, cookie          someone to “cook you some eggs” or refer to Jake the
time, buzz bars, and whitebait, but it’s expensive. The good      Mus they just don’t get it
news is that Coles now stocks squiggles and mallow puffs, so
you can get these at normal prices.                               I hope this has helped to put things in perspective for
                                                                  those of you who were worried or feeling a little in the
CONS                                                              deep end.
No Centrelink. The bastards. So, we’re domestic students,         Go forth, pronounce words properly and be better at
don’t need visas, can stay as long as we like, get Medicare,      rugby, rowing, and yacht racing.
can have a superannuation fund, and PAY TAX (that we get
back, but so does everyone else in our income bracket!),          Just don’t fall down the stairs. Josh.
but we don’t qualify for Centrelink or HECS. Ludicrous,
outrageous, ridiculous, but unfortunately the way it is. The      Ka kite ano!
solution to this is you have to work, or get money from home.
Generational Liaison Officers
With the ever widening age gap between MBBS cohorts, Scott Newman sets out to prove
he’s still hip with the young generation. And jiggy. And all that. Ben Ryan disagrees.

 Ben was to arrive at 3:00. I was anxiously awaiting his         “You’re     patronising,    condescending     and  you
 arrival. Ben has a reputation as a notoriously difficult        appointed yourself as my life-coach despite me clearly
 interviewee, prone to violent outbursts, sulky silence and      saying I didn’t want one”
 unreasonable demands. I was pleasantly surprised to             “I see…continue, Ben”
 open the front door to a dishevelled yet polite young           “There are serious issues of legitimacy and competence
 man. What struck me most, were his shifty ‘racoon-like’         surrounding your ability to teach me anything...”
 eyes which clearly betrayed a paranoid sensibility.             “Interesting…go on”
                                                                 “I worry you might have a heart attack before our work
 I opened with a question about what he felt defined his         is done.”
 generation?                                                     “You mean like how Yoda dies before Luke could
 “Piracy...”                                                     continue his training in the Dagobah System…”
 Contemplating the complicated geopolitical factors              “More like the how they worried McCain would die if
 behind Somalian economics and international naval law           elected president.”
 I asked Ben for an elaboration
 “I have downloaded more family guy than porn…that’s             Sensing this young man’s insecurity I was reminded of
 how much I love it”                                             that powerful scene in Good Will Hunting at the end of
                                                                 the film when Robin Williams takes Matt Damon into his
 Taking the cue that Ben not only liked this show but            arms and says repetitively “It’s not your fault” until Matt
 wanted to talk about it I asked what his favourite scene        finally breaks down. This was a make or break moment
 was in a bid to get some insight into this unusual Gen Y-       in Ben’s life-coaching and I had to play it just right.
 er. Instead, this elicited a string of Family Guy scenes in a   Abandoning caution I leaned over and grasped his little
 frenzied like stream of consciousness and I noted that          frame in my medium sized arms and gently whispered
 popular culture references permeate his language.               “it's not your fault” while rocking him gently.
 Indeed, it seems, Ben sees the world through Family Guy.        Unfortunately I misjudged and Ben was surprisingly
 Hearing him talk about these scenes I wonder where              uncomfortable. He icily insisted I stop touching him.
 Family Guy ends and Ben begins.
                                                                  After a rather awkward hug-disengage I asked Ben
 As Ben’s life-coach, I have had an opportunity to get to        about how well he represented his generation..
 know Ben beyond the ‘quirky child-genius boy-man’ that          “Well, I think I'm a fairly typical child of the 90's.
 most see. Indeed, our journey has been an enriching             However, I’ve always been comfortable around more
 experience for Ben as I have taken him under my wing to         mature people”
 pass on my experience and teachings. I take the                 “Well that explains why we get on so well…”
 opportunity today to ask him how he thinks our work             “We don’t get on well,” he corrects.
 together has been going.
Wanting to change the topic and inspired by my dojo-          Karate Kid, of all things, had peeled away the layers of
like surroundings, I regained control of the interview.       trivial difference     to    reveal  an   irreconcilable,
“How do you think you would go in a fight?”                   generational chasm separating us. Generation Y, if I
“Worse than Daniel from Karate Kid before he was              read Ben correctly, sees the world without the capacity
trained by Mr Miyagi.”                                        to metaphoricalise, thus rendering his generation a
Considering Karate Kid is essential viewing for my life-      symbol of the tyranny of literalisationingness over the
coach course, I was disappointed to discover Ben had          intangible.
missed the film’s central discourse. It seemed
incomprehensible to me that he could fail to grasp the        And so ended the interview. This meeting of great minds
deep moral, metaphorical and spiritual essence of the         had exposed our interview as a metaphor for our two
film - size matters not!                                      generations.

As a result of this epiphany, I realised how far we had yet   Sadly, I doubt someone of Ben’s superficial generation
to travel on our life-coach journey. A silence descended      could see that with their unmetaphoricalisingness.
between us as we both recognised the distance
between our generations.

 Dear GLO
 Scott dishes up strictly confidential, sometimes unsolicited advice with the
 unnecessary help of Ben. Students can send cries of help to

    Dear GLO,                                             Dear GLO (I’d prefer the young one, not the old one
    I am pretty quiet at med school and don’t really
    have an identity as such. I always wanted to be       I realise this is a little bit out of your area of expertise,
    the kind of guy that people would say “oh             but I recently read that doctors were recommended 6
    there’s that guy! You know the one that (insert       cups of coffee to help stay alert during intense
    anecdote/ personality quality/etc)”. Can you          medical procedures. I am a pharmacist who works 4
    help?                                                 hour shifts and I was wondering if I should take the
                                                          same measures?
    P. Eason.                                             Sincerely,
                                                          Stressed Pharmacist
    I’ll take this one. I’m glad you wrote to me, Paul.
    The problem is too many people let others             I went to a pharmacy once. I saw that 4 hours of
    decide how they perceive them. Take an                administering jellybeans, nasal sprays and last minute
    active role. For example, before I started telling    gift ideas is a gruelling business, requiring a constant
    people how similar I was to Jason Bourne (for his     vigil. One slip up could result in catastrophe and your
    fighting skills ) and Aragorn (for his looks and      patient could be going home with a weight loss shake
    leadership) no one would have called me               they don't like the taste of. These are chances that
    “Bournagorn”.. and now everyone calls me that         you can't afford to take. To combat this, caffeine is
    and thinks I am similar to aforementioned movie       the gold standard solution. To be honest, I wouldn't
    stars..problem solved. Obviously you couldn’t         just recommend 6 cups of coffee, I would insist upon it
    pull off Bourne or Aragorn. Maybe start with B-       - methamphetamines should also be considered.
    grade T.V stars or morning T.V hosts and work
    your way up the celebrity ladder.                     Remember, Little Johnny with the runny nose depends
                                                          on YOU to make all the right decisions.
    Best of luck,
                                                          Hang in there,
GUMS would like to thank our sponsors for
       their ongoing support.
Narcoleptics Anonymous
Sleep. Get it where you can.

                               *photos of napping nannas can be sent to
Lauren MacIvor goes where many medical
students have gone before. Into the sweet,
sweet arms of caffeine.

 RED BULL ENERGY SHOT                        COFFEE                                  VITAMIN WATER
 The bottle says it improves vigilance.      Everyone’s doing it.                    Tricking children everywhere into
 It does not.                                                                        consuming caffeine.
                                             I’ve never been one of those
 They cost a lot ($3.99) and are little so   people that “needs” a coffee,           I was lured in with yellow cordial like
 already you feel like you’re being          despite working in a café for 8         appearance of it only to discover
 screwed over but you go ahead and           years. I never acquired the taste. So   that it was not so much vitamins as
 buy it anyway cause let’s face it, they     for my experiment I ordered a short     more a load of caffeine and
 look like a mini red bull and who           black with 2 sugars and about 5mm       guarana. The yellow smells like
 doesn’t like food that is mini? Upon        of pouring cream floated on top.        Pasito, which I like. It does not taste
 opening the cap you’re greeted by a         Then I shotted it. Coffee is a good     like Pasito. Due to it’s watered
 liquid that resembles very dark pee.        guilt free hit of caffeine. You don’t   down state I tried gulping it down in
 It’s also warm so there is that split       get people staring at you for           order to get more taste and drank
 second where you consider that              drinking a coffee over breakfast as     the whole thing in 10mins.
 maybe Red Bull is, in fact, bull urine      you would if you were drinking a
 from Vietnam. It says ‘energy shot’         red bull. Don’t drink a red bull with   Effect: After downing it I needed to
 right there on the bottle so you shot it    your breakfast.                         pee pretty fast. It didn’t make me
 and are then left feeling very                                                      feel as jittery as most other drinks so
 unsatisfied as it is literally gone in a    Effect: wakes you up.                   I liked that and when I spilled it on
 mouthful and tastes like Red Bull                                                   myself it wasn’t really sticky. I did
 without all the sugary goodness.            Verdict: Drink it if you’re a purist    end up dancing around my room
 Therefore, terrible.                        and you prefer your caffeine            and chasing the dog for 30 mins so
                                             without all that packaging and          there was definitely an energy kick.
 Effects: I felt twitchy, hot and I don’t    sugar.                                  I actually felt awesome after
 know if it was my body hating on me                                                 drinking it and didn’t get a sugar
 for drinking something so awful or the      Caffeine: 107 mg                        low that you tend to with the really
 Red Bull but my skin hurt, just on my       Productivity: Eggs Benedict and a       sweet ones.
 hands (which were shaking).                 bunch of chatter.
                                             Overall feeling: eh ok.                 Verdict: If it was a hot day or you
 Verdict: Seeing as the energy shots                                                 just wanted a light buzz I think it’s
 have the same amount of caffeine as                                                 great. There is semi interesting stuff
 their canned counterparts, taste                                                    written on the label so it was a nice
 worse and are more expensive I say                                                  distraction from study. At $3.04
 DON’T DO IT. I’m still angry with                                                   each it’s not too bad either
 myself. I still love Red Bull in a can,                                             considering you get half a litre of
 however.                                                                            the stuff. It’s like energy drink lite.
                                                                                     Drink it if you’re not that into your
 Caffeine: 80mg per serve (60ml)                                                     hardcore stimulants.
 133mg per 100 ml
 Productivity: 1 LI and Inglourious                                                  Caffeine: 82 mg per serve (500ml) /
 Basterds (2/5)                                                                      16mg per 100 ml
 Overall feeling: agitated                                                           Productivity: a bunch of LOs and
                                                                                     dancing (4/5)
                                                                                     Overall feeling: pretty awesome
                                                                              NO DOZ
MONSTER RIPPER                            CHOCOLATE MILK                      $4.95 for 24 tabs (is it just me or is it
Pray…for…mojo.                            Childhood in a carton               ridiculous how cheap that is?)

The can attempts to be manly with         Apart from making you feel loved,   No Doz is awesome. A caffeine hit
its wolverine-like claw marks. Yet it     chocolate milk will do nothing      without the hassle of having to drink
smells like liquid pineapple lifesavers   except make you want to write all   anything. No sugar low, no need to
and if diabetes had a taste, it           your LIs in crayon and have a nap   pee. Combine it with dancing and I
would be this drink. They should          in the fort.                        swear, you have a cure for a cold.
rename this Organ Failure as every
fibre of me is fighting against           $5.39 for 2L                        Effect: Super awake but not twitchy
drinking 500ml of this stuff.                                                 or super worked up. Really hot but
                                          Caffeine: 5mg (apparently)          that might have been all the
Effects: Ok so my eye is twitching        Productivity: The Little Mermaid    running around.
and I’m a bit tingly. My teeth hurt       Movie (don’t judge me)
and the thought of any kind of            Overall feeling: wanted to hug      Verdict: If you need a buzz but
food or smell makes me want to            people                              don’t want sugar, can’t stand the
throw up. Actually the only thing                                             taste of coffee and prefer your help
that stops me from going and                                                  in pill form then No Doz is for you.
purging is the fact that I would
have to taste this stuff again. I’m                                           Caffeine: 100 mg per tablet
also fighting the compulsion to run                                           Productivity: Clean room, a heap of
down the street warning strangers                                             LOs and so much dancing I think I
that despite the relatively cheap                                             should have stretched before
price ($2.89) Monster will make you                                           hand.
pay though the nose in the end.                                               Overall feeling: I think I love No Doz

Verdict: Go for it if you hate
yourself. If you, like me happen to
think you’re awesome avoid
Monster at all costs. I’m going to
admit defeat, I couldn’t even finish
the whole can.

Caffeine: 160mg per serve (500ml)
32mg per 100 ml
Productivity: Hateful thoughts for
Monster beverage company
Overall feeling: rage at Monster
beverage company (you know, the
same way you hated who ever
came up with original tasting
                                                                      The first 30 days of the rest of my life
                                                                        Libby Ashton-Jones wonders what
                                                                                      she’s got herself into.

Day 1: I’ve made it. Three and a half years of preparing         drinkies. So many people are commuting from
for this and I’m finally here. I jumped through your             Brisbane. That’s like… another city! Geez. I find it
hoops ‘man’. I slogged my way through a legitimate               taxing walking the lazy 15 minutes from Eugaree St,
university degree in mathematics (whether or not I               you know, the one next to Pohlman. I try chatting to
actually turned up to anything other than exams or               people but they start blending in my mind.
retained any of your learnings is irrelevant now), did           Jenylautedwill?? I wander home, sweltering,
your GAMSAT (or what I believe to be a secret military           disappointingly turning down a maccas run because
experiment to see if exams are actually an effective             I NEED some sleep.
weapon), convincingly lied through my arse about how
appropriate I know I am for a career in medicine, and            Day 3: Dis-Orientation camp. One word. LASERS!!!!!!!
cried my eyes out about having to leave my fluffy wuffy
kitty witty in Sydney.                                           Day 5: I’m early. I’m PUMPED. The learning starts
                                                                 now! Jeff, as the hip young thing calls himself, starts
I’m here and nothing can stop me now. Not even this              off with an introduction to homeostasis. The kidneys
overwhelming, suffocating, excessive sweat inducing              control our blood pressure he says, and it’s a
heat. I take a seat in the lecture theatre, nice and near        negative feedback loop and there are shapes and
the front, because I’ve turned over a new leaf and               arrows and lots of words that mean something. I’ve
prepare myself for a mind opening induction to my                just one question really. What exactly would you say
future.                                                          a kidney does? No time to worry my little head
                                                                 about that, we’re going to experience first hand this
They all start congratulating me. I know. I really worked        thing called the PBL. A woman’s come into the ED.
so hard. Thanks for acknowledging it. After a bit a              Diagnose her. Hmm. She’s got some latin sounding
rambling about being part of the fraternity now (which           word that means not breathing well or something
is a little sexist if I may say so. Should be a sibling-ernity   and there’s syncoping or something and we’re not
really) off we go to the well organised signing up               doing well enough because we can’t diagnose her.
processes. Oh my. Where was I meant to be? Are the               Oh god… we’re killing this random woman. This
lines meant to be this long? Who are these people? Do            woman who had an almost undiagnosable
they know what they’re doing? Maybe if I just get in my          pulmonary embolism disease thing that I’ve never
car and drive back to Sydney no-one will notice. 2 and           even heard of before is dead. We killed her. We
a half hours later than they said it would end I drag            killed Mrs PE. My first death. I’m feeling my mortality
myself home. Damn. I have to feed myself now.                    at last.

Day 2: Things I’ve learnt today: Have babies. Now.               Day 6: Introduction to cadavers. I’m feeling a bit
Some of us will. Might as well start now. They’re                nervous. I mean I’ve seen dead bodies and all, I love
expecting it anyway. Note to self: lower standards so I          a good homicide show as much as the next person,
can please my med school admin staff. Students’ faces            but having them in the same room with me, not so
are starting to become slightly familiar. I can name five        much. I anxiously enter the lab and get thrown
with a little less uncertainty. And they’re not too bad          aback by the sight in front of me. Nothing. Oh wait,
either. They seem like they don’t want to taunt me, at           not nothing. More admin. I skilfully tune out and sign
least obviously. We make it to the GUMS                          more of my soul away to the med gods and then
                                                                 the real s#@& goes down. Ew. It’s stinky. Oops,
I mean that dead body is stinky, but you know, this is all
meant in a respectful manner of course. I feel a bit sick           Day 15: Fact of the day: Tortora writes in Principles of
and hungry. I’m out. I pass some second years. They’re              Anatomy & Physiology, 12e, “Stretching the anal
fondling plastic bums at the moment. Maybe I can cope               sphincter muscle … is sometimes used to stimulate
with just looking at dead bodies then.                              respiration in a newborn baby or a person who has
                                                                    stopped breathing.” What times exactly is that then?
Day 7: My first actual PBL was a bit of a blur. I got stuck
with board duty first up. Luckily the second years’ board           Day 16: Our PBL group experienced a new high. One
is so pretty. I just copied it like a holy template. The            group member brought in cookies and milk. Stuff Jo
second years are truly beyond my small mind’s                       Christopoulos. Time to get high on the ridiculousness that
comprehension. I think my group’s ok. We’re all like                is having to spend 2.5 hours locked in a small room with
science students (or physios… pfft) so not that much                other cookie filled fools and laugh about accidently
variety but I’m not feeling like much more spice in my life         spelling titles with a t instead of an l. We’re rocking it!
right now anyway. The best part is the tutor. He tells us
about fishing corpses out of pools of formaldehyde in the           Day 19: Actors again today. I showed a keen sense of
basement of his med school in Taiwan then force feeds               empathy, compassion, awesomeness. I should just be an
us the learning i-thingies from this list of “learning              actor the way I can con these people.
objections” or something, which will make sense to us
eventually I suppose. And how exactly is it clear from              Day 21: Ted Rayman’s attached to that skeleton, I swear.
these cases what the LOs are meant to be. How would a               And likes to fist it a lot. I’m doubtful he’s going to be able
case of a 19 year old girl with secretions out of every             to act out the placement of every organ in the body with
orifice make me ponder the idea of personhood? Yeah                 his shapeful hand but I’m happy to be pleasantly
she’s kinda gross and all and I’m not going to touch her            mistaken.
with a ten foot pole in her condition but I’m not
existentialising it all right now thank you very much. By           Day 23: Oh, Kyleigh Nicholls, if only you adhered to your
the way, our group did diagnose her correctly, which                prescribed medication your parents would be better
therefore means I did by association. I am rocking it!              actors.

Day 8: By consensus, Sally Ablett must die.                         Day 28: I think I’m starting to get anatomy lab. It’s
                                                                    actually almost fun. We had the cardiovascular system
Day 9: I had to feed my PBL group today. I’m so clever! I           today (ruddy Nigel Cavendish) and in the lab there were
brought in Anzac cookies and chips and salsa and                    the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. Big as your head I
lemonade and carrot sticks, for certain tutors on a diet,           swear. They were hypertrophied in fact. And there were
and I’m all smug. Everyone says the bar’s been set. I               ones that had obviously undergone a myocardial
agree. In the evening I go to the Hope 4 Health ‘ded &              infarction due to the complete occlusion of a coronary
mental’ party. I go in the least effort costume I can come          artery. Feel my knowledge-y power!
up with. Vampire. This other first year lends me some
denture glue for my fake teeth. I’m rocking it vampire              Day 30: Sadly, next week we haven’t got any workshops
style! I cut the rug til I can’t cut no more. I fall into bed.      because the fourth years are in the building. The elusive,
Second week complete!                                               seldom seen, but highly respected fourth years. What do
                                                                    they do exactly? In fact what exactly happens after
Day 12: We had a workshop thing today with actors                   second year. And what do I do to prove that I should get
pretending to be patients. It was pretty cool. Luckily it           to go to those years? Failing means repeating a whole
was nothing too demanding. We just got a patient each,              year, not just doing an extra subject in the summer, but all
all with some mental issue pretty much, and we just had             I’ve been told is that I just have to learn the learning
to get out of them what the problem was. The people                 objectives and I’ll be right. In fact I should have done
before me did well with some pretty tricky cases, so                them all by now. And I need flow charts, and maybe
when it came to me I had to bring it. I swear I could               colour coding, and liquid chalk, and learn all the pins in
compete for Australia in the empathy olympics the way I             anatomy lab because that’s all they can test you on,
performed. Any doubt in this patient’s mind, which was              except for the sneaky ones they throw in for the exam, of
quite plentiful as he was kinda paranoid, were drowned              which I’m not really sure when it is or what the form is or if
by my caring and active listening skills and appropriate            it even exists to tell the truth, but these possible liars own
reiteration and keen insight. Suck it medicine. I OWN               my life for the next fours years, possibly more if my
YOU!                                                                pessimistic side turns out to be right. It’s too late to join
                                                                    those clever people who dropped out after orientation.
Day 14: I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am never
going to remember this stuff. Metabolic biochemistry?               I’m stuck.
Why would you put so many syllables in a two worded
lecture title? I look in my shiny new books for comfort re:         I’m at least a 12 hours drive from my family. All I have is a
glycolysis. Turns out Mr Harrison isn’t really interested is this   laptop with slightly dodgy internet at times and a shiny
kind of stuff. Why would you forsake me Harrison? You               set of books that hold my future in their bindings. I’ve
promised me internal medicine in a book. Glycolysis is              made a huge mistake.
internal, it’s medicinal in a sense. Tell me now or I swear I
will fold you sideways.
Must see comedies
Claire McAllister thinks you need to
step away from the Robbins + laugh a

 THE IT CROWD                          BLACK BOOKS                            METALOCALYPSE

  “Hello, IT. Have you tried turning   “Black Books” revolves around          Unless you’re a metal-head like
 it off and on again? Ok... well the   the lives of Bernard (a small          me, you probably haven’t heard
 button on the side. Is it glowing?    bookshop owner with a                  of Metalocalypse (or even know
 Yeah you need to turn it on. Err,     loathing of society and all            how to pronounce it!) but never
 the button turns it on. Yeah, you     people), Fran (Bernard’s oldest        fear – there are no metal related
 do know how a button works            friend) and Manny (“a beard            inside jokes or jargon so it’s fun for
 don’t you? ... No, not on clothes.”   with an idiot hanging off it”)         all!
 In the basement of Reynholm           Bernard is a drunken pessimist.        Dethklok is a metal band with
 Industries you will meet the IT       Manny says Bernard has no              unheard of popularity. So much
 Crowd: Jen (who got the job by        heart, instead referring to it as      so that its fans will do anything
 lying on her resume and actually      “a shard of ice”, whereas Fran         their songs tell them to, which
 knows nothing about IT), the          prefers to think of it as “a flint”.   usually ends in their death. Fans
 genius Moss and Irish Roy. There is   He treats his customers poorly,        are made to sign pain waivers at
 no way to describe how                as to him, when his customers          the entrance to concerts due to
 awesome this show is, You just        buy books, it just means more          the very likely case they will be
 have to experience it for yourself.   effort for him to order new ones       killed in the course of the night.
 It HAS taught me many useful          in. He always wears the same           Due to the creation of civil unrest
 things about computers though. I      black suit (but actually, it is a      and riot wherever they go,
 now know “if you type “Google”        very dirty white suit, as revealed     Dethklok attracts the attention of
 into Google, you can break the        when it is washed in series            “The Tribunal” an illuminati-style
 internet. So please, no one try it,   three) and on occasion                 group that monitors the band’s
 even for a joke”.                     demands “Get me my lolly!”             activity. They believe Dethklok’s
                                       (which is just a frozen bottle of      popularity is fulfilling a prophecy
                                       wine he proceeds to eat as a           about the apocalypse of metal
                                       popsicle). In season three you         (metalocalypse).
                                       find out Bernard was once              Best episode by far is when
                                       engaged, but his fiancée               Dethklok write an album
                                       faked her own death to get out         underwater in the deep sea
                                       of marrying him.                       trenches. It is metal for fish, as
                                                                              “fish don’t got no good music to
                                                                              listen to” and has tracks like
                                                                              “murmaider”, about
                                                                              mermaid…murder. With 11
                                                                              minute episodes, there’s no
                                                                              excuse not to watch at least one.
                                                                                               Knock, Knock.
                                                                                               Isobel Ewing &
                                                                                         Francine Hosking tell
                                                                                                 terrible jokes.

THE MIGHTY BOOSH                           HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
                                                                                        How do you tell the sex of a
The Boosh started as a few stage           If you haven’t watched an episode            chromosome?
shows and a radio series but is now        of HIMYM, get out of that hole you’ve
one of the most awesome                    been living in! Barney is the highlight               Pull down it’s genes.
creations ever to come out of              of HIMYM, whose achievements
Britain. It is the adventures of           mostly surround his sexual advances
Howard Moon (an aspiring jazz-             on women. For those of you who              What do you call a fat alien?
fusion musician) and Vince Noir            struggle a little with social
(king of the mods). I must admit,          connections, the use of any of                       An extra -cholesterol
the first time I watched it I was very     Barney’s catch phrases will win you
puzzled and a little angry that so         the respect of your peers.
many people had recommended                He is always dressed in a suit, and         What did the egg say to the
it. But, like with all good things, give   started the phrase “Suit-Up!” in the        boiling pot of water?
it time, you will soon realise that to     pilot episode. This phrase can be
lead a complete life you must love         used for any kind of clothing. I even          It might take me a while to
and appreciate The Mighty Boosh            heard it at a triathlon last month – “Tri     get hard because I got laid
(no, we don’t NEED to have babies          suit up!” To pick up attractive                       by a chick last night.
like us first years were told during       members of the opposite (or same)
orientation).                              sex, drag your friend around with you
My favourite character is the moon         and use Barney’s pick-up line               Why did the banana go to
(basically it’s just Vince with shaving    “Haaaaaave you met Ted?” (or insert         the hospital?
cream on his face – but                    your own friend’s name in here) to
entertaining none the less) who            start up the conversation. This has          He wasn’t peeling very well.
comes up randomly in episodes              been seen to work with a high
and basically just sings and babbles       success rate at such med events as
borderline incoherencies about             Scrub Crawl.                                What’s brown and rhymes
himself and his friends, the other         The playbook is the most important          with snoop?
planets. “When you are the moon...         episode of HIMYM you will ever see.
there is a person people say is the        After ending his relationship with                                   Dr Dre
sun. I saw the sun once, and he            Robin, Barney reveals his book of con-
came past me, really fast. And it          artists scenarios designed to pick up
was an, it was called, the, an             women. It includes “The Ted Moseby”
eclipse. And he came fast! But as          where he uses his friend Ted’s own
he came past, I, I licked his back.        sob story of being left at the altar as a
And he doesn’t know I licked his           conversation starter. The most famous
back! All in his yellow suit!... I’m the   play is the Lorenzo von Matterhorn – I
moon”                                      won’t ruin it for you – GO WATCH IT!
You may not think you’ve heard of
The Mighty Boosh, but maybe
you’ve heard of Old’ Gregg, the
hermaphrodite merman who loves
Baileys and enjoys painting with
watercolours. Go check him out,
maybe he will show you his
                                                                                              The joy of tea
                                                                            Francine Hosking would like you
                                                                             to sit down and have a cuppa.

According to Wikipedia the most consumed                   incorrectly reported as a negative side effect). Green
beverage worldwide, after water, is tea (rivalled on       tea does however contain less caffeine than coffee (I
weekends when the fluid intake switches to alcohol         believe that this may actually be the only negative):
and Berocca).                                              there are approximately thirty to sixty mg. of caffeine
                                                           in six - eight ounces of tea, compared to over one-
Legend has it, that the founder of Buddhism                hundred mg. in eight ounces of coffee.
accidentally fell asleep after meditating in front of a
wall for nine years. Not only did he miss all of his       Green tea doesn’t have to be boring either. The
lectures, he woke up in such disgust at his weakness       other day I discovered a blend of green tea AND
and the fact that he had done not a single LO in nine      cranberry. Not only does one get the antioxidant
years, that he cut off his own eyelids. They fell to the   benefits of green tea, it also decrease ones chances
ground and took root, growing into tea bushes.             of contracting a UTI! Even for the most skeptical of
                                                           you, this is clearly a benefit, especially for those
A less brutal version of this legend occurs commonly in    promiscuous first years hell bent on nights out in Surfers
our house after wasting entire afternoons napping in       where you only have to look at someone the wrong
front of the TV. After awakening in total disgust at       way to get a UTI. So you see, tea is not only a comfort
having wasted the whole afternoon napping or               drink, a No Doz alternative and a procrastinating tool
watching Judge Judy, the first step to rectifying the      but also an effective medical prevention strategy.
situation is to make a cup of tea. Our tea cupboard
does not fall short of 15 different types of tea.          Australia is, sadly, becoming a nation of coffee
However, I commonly find myself drawn to our green         drinkers. In the spirit of wellbeing, don’t forget about
tea section.                                               tea. So versatile is it as a drink, you can take it to uni
                                                           and keep it in your locker for consumption during
The Journal of the National Cancer Institute recently      lectures (be VERY careful not to drop it down the
published the results of an epidemiological study          back of your fellow lecture attendees as you
indicating that drinking green tea reduced the risk of     manouver yourself into your seat. They WILL give you
esophageal cancer in Chinese men and women by              evil looks in the corridor for the rest of your medical
nearly sixty percent. In addition, University of Purdue    career).
researchers recently concluded that a compound in
green tea inhibits the growth of cancer cells. There is    Tea will be your most loyal companion. When the hot
also research indicating that drinking green tea lowers    Queensland weather kicks you in the bum and you
total cholesterol levels, as well as improving the ratio   think you cannot possibly go one without a good
of good (HDL) cholesterol to bad (LDL) cholesterol.        cuppa you can drink it cold. When it gets a bit lonely
Researchers found that men who were given a                on those long cold winter nights or you have kicked
combination of caffeine and green tea extract              your partner out of bed for snoring, you can drink it
burned more calories than those given only caffeine        hot. It will bring you closer to your Grandma. An
or a placebo. The only negative side effect reported       added bonus of bringing you closer to your Nan is that
from drinking green tea was insomnia (I find this          you may get to practice examinations on her. She will
puzzling as, like the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, I       have a murmer, it’s sad, but this will excite you. In
personally believe that this has been                      fact, you will find that any medical condition you find
                                                           in your relatives will excite you.
Tea can give you an excuse to leave the room when                  The supermarket hunt for a new flavour of tea can become
conversation gets awkward or boring or nerdy or all three.         the most exciting outing of the week. Tea will be an excuse
This will happen a lot over the next few years. You will find      to make scones. You may resort to eating the mixture
yourself telling your friends at home random medical jokes.        because you can’t be bothered cooking it or can’t afford
They won’t find them funny. They may stop calling you.             the electricity to run the oven. You can always afford to run
Recognize this early and try to refine your act even if you        the kettle. Go without showers if you have to. It will
are desperate to tell them your latest medical folly or how        become acceptable, people in the hospital generally smell
funny it was when your patient told you the reason he was          much worse, stick close to them and no one will notice. Tea
admitted was because he contracted an STI from a camel.            will be an excuse to buy new tea cups which you still can’t
Your Mother won’t like your language. Your Father will only        afford.
want to know what the nurses are like. They will never find it
funny, no matter how many times you explain how pulling            That’s why they make credit cards.
down a chromosome’s ‘genes’ to determine its sex sounds            When you finally can afford them you won’t have time to
like ‘jeans’. Get over it and go and make a cup of tea.            use them. Buy them now.

Tea will be a reason to get up in the morning. It will be a        Finally, tea will become the best, most productive way of
reason not to go to bed. It will be an excuse to buy a red         procrastinating about those damn LOs. You can’t get
kettle and call it Ruby. It will be a method of extracting         ahead. Stop stressing about being 5 weeks behind and
amazing gossip. You will thrive on gossip. You will start living   have a cup of tea.
vicariously through your sane friends who have time for a          It’s worth it.
social life.

                                                                                                     On the job
                                                                                    Charlie Noonan has a special
                                                                                      connection with a patient.

   During the four hours I spent at the collection centre on       I felt trapped, and was petrified someone would walk in
   my phlebotomy placement I did not touch a single                and question me as to why a man who came in for a
   patient (clinically or therapeutically) because their veins     blood sample was standing in front of me naked
   were apparently “too difficult” for my inexperienced            touching himself.
                                                                   As if this wasn't strange enough he then grabbed my
   The kind doctor noticed my boredom and took me under            wrist (with the hand he had just touched himself with)
   his wing. I spent the majority of the time passing him          and began dragging it towards his scrotum - 'So you
   instruments while he performed bone marrow biopsies             can touch and pump it too'.
   and marrow aspirations (very cool but not associated
   with venepuncture or exams at all).                             I politely declined, however he clearly didn't understand
                                                                   my refusal, as he continued to grab me and started
   The mood changed when Mr X walked in. Mr X spent the            raising his voice that I "HAD to touch it".
   entire consult talking about this catheter-like thing that a
   surgeon has inserted to treat his incontinence. It involved     At this point I figured it was easier just to do it, so I said
   placing a pump in his scrotum, which he would pump to           I’d just put a glove on. He insisted there was no need.
   stop the dribbling of urine, and release to allow urination
   on demand.                                                      I insisted my hands were filthy and didn’t want him to
                                                                   catch anything. He insisted it didn’t matter (This back
   As the Dr left the room for a moment he tells Mr X to           and forth went on for a while, with his hand gripping my
   "explain to Charles here about your operation". After a         wrist like a dog trap). Finally, I was able to convince him
   blow-by-blow of the surgery, the old man decided I              to allow me to place a glove on, so that I would feel the
   NEEDED to see it. I declined his kind offer three times         "wonder" of what was, effectively, a penis pump.
   before he removed his pants.
                                                                   Afterwards he pulled up his pants and left, pleased with
   I can’t explain how awkward standing alone in a small           having educated me on such a rare and fascinating
   confined room with a man blocking the door, with his            treatment option for incontinence. Needless to say, I
   pants down and his hand on his penis really is. Honestly,       went home feeling cheap and dirty.
   you have to experience it to understand it.
You have WHAT?
Tamara Johansen explores the weird
and wonderful side of disease

Who hasn't heard of the fainting nannies? Come on            having been pronounced dead, as their vital signs
now, if you haven't then get yourself onto YouTube           can be hard to detect without a continuous auditory
and search "goats with cataplexy".                           pulse oximeter.

Yes, it happens in humans too. Cataplexy is an               You may have heard of cataplexy associated with
unusual and rare disease causing sudden loss of lower        narcolepsy (periods of irresistible sleep i.e. excessive
limb tone, believed to be caused by an absence of            daytime drowsiness, in inappropriate circumstances).
the neurotransmitter hypocretin in the hypothalamus.
Attacks are brought on by sudden emotion, for                When the two conditions co-exist, they are
example, anger, fear, orgasm, surprise, awe,                 accompanied by vivid hallucinations on falling asleep
embarrassment and laughter.                                  and on waking, and sleep paralysis – a frightening
                                                             inability to move. There are no successful treatments
Sufferers may be unable to operate machinery, hold           of these conditions.
babies or even bathe unsupervised. Even though
paralysed, they experience no loss of consciousness.         Methylphenidate, dexamfetamine, modafinil, or small
                                                             doses of tricyclic antidepressants have been used
Cataplexy in severe cases can lead to people waking          with small success.
up in the morgue,

                                                                         Spotlight on GUMS position
                                                                 Jana Westerhof shows us behind the
                                                                      scenes of a day as our fearless
                                                                                  Academic Officer.

So what do I do all day? This was the task given to me        At 12.45pm I make my way to the GUMS office to
by Caitlin to put a different spin on the academic           make some phone calls to organise our up and
report. Now I have the challenge of how am I going           coming Electives and Selectives evening (Tuesday
to express what I do in a day? Should I tabulate it,         April 20, it will be amazing!), Laura calls and I speak to
perhaps use a flow chart? I am really good at                her for about 15min about GUMS events. Then it is
creating those, I heart flow charts! I am not great at       lunchtime. Over to the café for a much needed
writing creatively, and I have spent way too much            caffeinated beverage, the remainder of my sandwich
time perfecting the art of putting a lot of information      that I had half polished off during our lecture
in the most concise way possible. Some call it being         marathon, and socialising. Then off to anatomy prac.
lazy; I like to call it ‘being efficient’. The task of
attempting to be creative, actually using words and          I finish prac at 4.15 and I have a meeting with Jeff and
somehow making my life sound a little bit more               Claire (the first year representative) to discuss
interesting than it is, is a really challenging endeavour.   academic issues that have come up over the past
But hey, here goes…                                          few weeks (We meet quite frequently, so anyone
                                                             should feel free to chat to me about anything you
So at 7.30am my alarm goes off. I get up and have            would like to be discussed). From the meeting it is a
my breakfast, Weetbix (breakfast of champions) and           quick dash next door to the fortnightly GUMS meeting.
coffee (necessity) and check my emails.                      It was a late one and by the time I get home it is 8pm.

At 8.30am I walk to uni, as usual it is unbearably hot       I raid the cupboard for something to eat (never a
and I have packed way too much to ever possibly              good sign regarding the state of the pantry when the
need, always the case but naturally I always have an         best option is the home brand 2-minute noodles), call
umbrella, hand sanitiser, kitchen sink but I left my         my mum, finish my LI, check my emails, watch some
notepad at home…fail.                                        TV and finally attempt to make it to bed by midnight
                                                             ready to do it all again tomorrow.
I get to GH1, pack away my kitchen sink in my locker
and make my way to 4.07A for our 9am lecture on              So that has been my day. I think I have managed to
rural health, followed by our 10am lecture on the            turn my meticulous timeline (yes, I kept an itemised
menstrual cycle, 11am DLEPP lecture and 12pm case            diary for the day) into a blog of a day in the life as
wrap.                                                        me!
                                                                      Tom Solano gives a locals guide to the
                                                                                                 best breaks
                                                                                                     Photo by James Lonie

So, you’ve just moved to the Gold Coast, you’ve pulled out         At Burleigh, Currumbin and snapper there are rocks that
the old board, mankini and decided to get wet. Good                like to bite, and performing my “seal-like entry” into the
start. You head down to your local break and paddle out,           water is not advisable, stay clear of green rocks, you will
wherever it may be it’s most probably packed out with all
                                                                   fall harder than your dignity did at scrub crawl! After a
sorts on a decent day. When you make it out the back a
nine year old kid, drops in on you whilst busting out some         casual and chilled out beach break? Fancy a much
crazy aerial move and calling you a kook at the same               calmer session without too hectic crowds ? Fancy a stroll
time. You manage to avoid the 100kg tattooed surfer who            through a magical forest? Some like it (Mr Beak), whilst
has just made the other guy out there that dropped in on           others prefer the choice of consistently good point
him a new sphincter. You paddle in after performing your           waves. Not quite peeps! Its deceiving, beach breaks
trademark “eat-sand manoeuvre.”                                    can be great on the goldly and the sand is forever
                                                                   changing, with new banks popping up everywhere,
It happens to the best of us. But if this is happening too
often it may pay to tune in about picking the right surf spot      keep your eyes peeled after a big storm. One break,
on the Goldy (or losing the mankini...)The Gold Coast is           South Straddie, is only but a sore arms paddle across the
famous for its waves, so no matter what type of surfer you         seaway (insert part about how this article I’m writing
are:    goofy,    natural,  turtle-humper    [bodyboarder],        cant come back and bite me if you get eaten by a bull
beginner, pro, man, lady, or goat it’s all there for you! The      shark or run over by a boat or sucked out to sea trying
trick to scoring some nice waves on the gold coast is all in       to cross the seaway.) But don’t despair, Straddie is worth
the luck of the draw and knowing the right time and place.
                                                                   the pain, and pretty much produces some quality
So lets break it down.
                                                                   waves that are pretty steep and only for the higher level
Burleigh, Currumbin (or the alley as it is so called,) Kirra and   surfer. Beginners will be eaten alive and there are no
Snapper Rocks are the “points/headlands” to surf on the            lifesavers to watch your precious behind. For those
Goldy. These places usually pick up from a good southerly          around med school area, I suggest the spit, which is
swell. They all are right-handers, and although the                protected by a rockwall and a has some good left and
changing sand from nearby dredging river mouths usually            right banks, beware of the magical surrounding forest if
changes the wave every now and then they are pretty                venturing further south between the spit and main
consistent. These points generally hold a much bigger swell        beach (high nudist rate along that patch and pretty
nicer than what a shore break would. On a half decent              much all the nudest are old wrinkly men) Other top
day these places are all usually packed, but just remember         beach breaks include Surfers, Broadbeach and
the dude next to you in the line up who flew in on last            Mermaid.
weeks plane could probably be considered a local, so
don’t stress too much. Some places (Burleigh and                   Weekends are always the worst time for a surf. Make
                                                                   sure you choose the right board (bigger board for
Superbank) have a bit of a ‘local’s-only’ mentality but
                                                                   bigger day) and if you ever need a quality board, try
don’t let this affect your decision to paddle out as on a          Boardroom at Miami (on the GC highway) or Stuart at
good day it’s totally worth it. If you stick to your etiquette     Mermaid beach (also on GC highway.) Surfing is a great
out in the water there shouldn’t be any probs.!!                   way to recharge the batteries keep fit and turn off that
                                                                   damn “Med-head.” So get out there and have fun.
 Music to escape uni
 Gel Lynch gets you through the drive to

It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve just suffered through           7. Whiter Shade of Pale – Procol Harum
another week at GH1 or your respective hospital and                   A 1967 concerning a “drunken seduction, which
you’re about to tackle the M1 to go see those                         is described through references to sex as a form
“Brisbane friends” that you have distant recollections of.            of travel, usually nautical, using mythical and
Perhaps you’ve been “pantsed” whilst at the hospital;                 literary journeys”.
or overexerted yourself with DLEPP and DHC                    8. I’ve got the World on a String – Michael Bublé
assignments amidst having trivial arguments regarding                    Bublé, the king of covering every jazz artist
the correct pronunciation of a certain bacteria in PBL;                  under the sun. Get some originality mate! With
or maybe you’ve just drunk so much Red Bull to stay                      that said still a brilliant song.
awake in lectures that you think you’re about to have         9. Peace Train – Cat Stevens
an anxiety attack. You’re knackered and might ask,                        Fun fact: Commonly known by his stage
“How can I get through the next hour of driving when                      name Cat Stevens, he was actually born
the most exciting part is that I might be lucky enough to                 Steven Demetre Georgiou but is now known
drive past Dreamworld as the Giant Drop is dropping?”                     as Yusuf Islam. “Peace Train” almost didn’t
                                                                          come to light as Cat/Steven/Yusuf nearly died
Upload the following play list onto your iPod, tune your                  from tuberculosis at age 19.
iTrip to 88.1FM, pick a lane, put your car into cruise        10. Thank God I’m a Country Boy – John Denver
control, wind down the windows and hit play. For now is                  Not so fun fact: John Denver was killed in 1997
the time that you will realize that the “foot rest” next to              in a plane crash at 53.
the clutch really was made for some good old foot             11. Devil’s Spoke – Laura Marling
tapping. Plus, you’ll provide some much needed                           This is a song off Marling’s latest album I Speak
amusement for the other drivers as you can’t help but                    Because I can.. The Weekend Australian
yell at the top of your lungs “WOOO, THANKGOD I’M A                      recently said this of her “it should almost be
COUNTRY BOY”. No, thank you JOHN DENVER! The                             illegal to have this much poise, originality and
following includes some good old ballads, a bit folk,                    dignity at just 20 years old”.
some much needed indie, a bit of jazz, some of the old        12. Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys
school and even some rap. It’ll take you from you all                     Who doesn’t love a bit of Jay-Z to bring out
the way from 1967 to 2010, from Elton John to Adam                        the inner rapper inside?
Sandler to Art vs. Science. An M1 worthy mix, well you        13. Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap
be the judge. Basically for the next hour kick back, get                 The Temper Trap are a local Australian band
some wellbeing up ya, enjoy, and prepare to get                          hailing from Melbourne that managed to get
yourself geared up for a good night in Vegas.                            this song onto the soundtrack of “(500) Days of
1. Sail Away – Moby and Enya                                  14. Parlez Vous Francias – Art vs Science
         The first song to come pumping out of your                      My little sister informs me that the lyrics “If you
         speakers is a mood calmer; this is Murmur’s                     understand, then listen to me, S'il vous plaît
         “wellbeing” issue after all.                                    mon chéri aller tomber la chemise” actually
2. Song for No One – Ian Broudie                                         mean something along the lines of ‘if you
         In the words of Ian Broudie get optimistic and                  understand then listen to me and take your
         “Kiss the world with fingers crossed”                           shirt off.’ Well!
3. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python      15. Sombody Kill Me– Adam Sandler
         If optimism and wellbeing isn’t your cup of tea                 From the1998 movie, The Wedding Singer.
         perhaps the Monty Python lyrics “life’s a piece      16. Take Me Home Country Roads – John Denver
         of shit, when you look at it” or “always look on                I like John Denver, okay?
         the bright side of death” will ripen your mood.      17. Bennie and the Jets – Elton John
4. Horchata – Vampire Weekend                                            Fellow composer Bernie Taupin has said that
         Written by a bunch of lads out of New York and                  the song's lyrics are a satire on the music
         described by the New York Times as sounding                     industry of the 1970s. The greed and glitz of
         like “preppie afro-pop” you’ll either love them                 the early '70s music scene is portrayed by
         or hate them.                                                   Taupin's words:
5. Cousins – Mumford and Sons                                            We'll kill the fatted calf tonight, so stick
         A cover by London indie-folk band Mumford                       around,
         and Sons of Vampire Weekend’s “Cousins”.                        you're gonna hear electric music, solid walls of
         Preppie afro-pop turned indie-folk, a surprisingly              sound.
         rendition.                                           18. Give Me One Reason – Tracy Chapman
6. Pencil Full of Lead – Paolo Nutini                                    This brilliant power ballad will take you with fist
         Prepare to start tapping on the foot rest.                      pumping all the way over the river side
                                                                         express way into Brisbane city, wishing you still
                                                                         had an hour of driving left.
                                                                 The next issue of Murmur will be
                                                                 circulated on the 21st of June.

                                                    Last word
                                   “It’s like Lord of the Rings...but of the Testes. “
                                  Gary Rogers, Male Genital Examination lecture

                  “ You don’t want any shaking about. It’s a fallopian tube, not a discothèque”
                                       Jeff Schwartz, Pregnancy lecture

                        “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to give you the answers this year “
                           Dr Bob laments the crack down on the Anatomy Examination

            “Wait. So, because the bookshop guy electrocuted himself we can’t have kettles in PBL?”
                              Perplexed student, overheard in the common room.

                            "Sometimes, when a patient talks to me, I don't even listen!"
                                   Rhonda, psychologist, D&P workshop tutor.

                               “Are we allowed to wear skirts on clinical placement?”
                  “Yes, but just watch the length. If your cervix is showing, its probably too short.”
                                     Gary Rogers, Introduction to D&P Lecture

'Just the other week I performed a forceps delivery of an orange. We have sent her to therapy to avoid consequent
                                             delivery of a watermelon'
                                         Ash Hanafy, Repro/Endo lecture.

                            Dr: "What do you reckon about this woman's spirometry?"
                           Adrian Castelli (MBBS III): "Well, she's definitely not asthmatic."
                                      Dr: "Actually, she's severely asthmatic."

                                             Security: Is everyone ok?
                                    Bonnie McRae (MBBS III), confused: Yeah ?
                  Security: Someone rang the duress alarm from here. We came to check it out.
                (Bonnie realises what the plastic clip she'd been playing with under the desk does)
Mumur is proudly scraped together for
 you by the GUMS Publication Team.

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