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15% DISCOUNT Membership Card This is a picture of the Medical Book Centre’s famous membership card. Thousands of healthcare students and professionals across Australia already have this small, but perfectly-formed card in their wallets which means that less of the folding stuff goes out of their wallets when they have to buy textbooks or update their reference libraries. The secret of our membership card’s huge popularity is a simple but winning formula: One small card from us = One BIG DISCOUNT for you. Here’s how it works: • You pay a one-off $10 membership fee (or mention this advertisement and membership is FREE) • We give you a personalised, non-transferable membership card by any of the usual methods - phone, email, fax, snail-mail, website, or in person when you visit the shop - and we’ll set you up as a member. JOIN NOW – SAVE HEAPS 07 3367 0616 (phone) 07 3367 0222 (fax) firstname.lastname@example.org www.medicalbookcentre.com.au About the Medical Book Centre So much to say, so little space. Here’s the short version: Born in 2002; Daddy was a doctor motivated to provide a cheaper alternative to campus bookshops; We have a spacious shop on the fringe of Brisbane CBD at Milton (see map below), and an even bigger online shop at www.medicalbookcentre.com.au; We sell medical/health-related textbooks/reference books, multi-media products, charts, models, gifts and novelty items, and we love what we do. Testimonials Unit B (Upstairs) Our legion of loyal and happy 27 Douglas St, Milton, Qld 4064 customers around Australia (Between Haymans Electrical and regularly say nice things about Cleaners Warehouse with customer us. It seems they are very parking right outside the shop. impressed by: • Our great prices • Our personal service Monday to Friday: 9am to 5.30pm • Our attention to detail Saturday: 9am to 2pm • Our book-sleuthing skills Welcome to the first issue of Murmur, made with love by the GUMS Publication team for you. You’re stressed. You’re busy. You’re contemplating dropping out and opening a French patisserie. We understand. So, sit back with a cup to tea and enjoy the inane musings of your peers. Forget some of your worries, Cait x Murmur n. a rumour a soft indistinct sound made by a group of people a low continuous sound, who did what almost inaudible what’s inside a recurring sound heard in editor caitlin witt MBBS II the heart, president’s welcome sub editor francine hosking MBBS II a sign of disease give homeostasis a chance diary of an addict illustrations aditi rai MBBS I married to the med getaway photos caitlin witt MBBS II food james lonie MBBS II kiwis are people too generational liason officer report contributers narcoleptics anonymous laura stitz MBBS III wired charlotte quain MBBS II the first 30 days of the rest of my life libby ashton-jones MBBS I must see comedies erika fernandes MBBS II the joy of tea danielle newman on the job scott newman MBBS II you have what? ben ryan MBBS II spotlight on GUMS position kwong djee chan surf francine hosking MBBS II music to escape uni tom solano MBBS II last word jana westerhof MBBS II lauren macIvor MBBS I anna shirley MBBS II jen mcauliffe MBBS I nick ioannou MBBS II gel lynch MBBS II tamara johansen MBBS I claire mcallister MBBS I charlie noonan MBBS II advertising ben gerhardy MBBS III *If you’ve got something to say, an embarrassing medical moment, a funny joke, a sketch from your lecture pad, an article, a photo, an overheard quote, or you’ve caught someone sneaking a nap in the library with drool dripping onto their notes, please send it in. We’d love to hear from you. The GUMS Publications Team welcomes all submissions from students, partners of students, Griffith staff and friends. To join jump onto our Facebook group “GUMS Publication Team” or send email@example.com an email. murmur is proudly published by www.gums.org.au murmur is published four times a year by the GUMS publications team. views expressed by authors are not necessarily those of griffith university. copyright is reserved. President’s report I can’t believe it’s April already. GUMS has been keeping all Griffith med students busy with both work and play – after all, balance is important. We’ve had orientation, Dis-Orientation Camp, Scrub Crawl, professional speakers, Movie club, AMSA Convention registration, seen second years through a set of exams, appointed year level and hospital reps, given away a stethoscope, sold out of nude calendars, cleaned the fridge, and been to plenty of meetings to represent students. Above is a snapshot of a great start to the year. Laura. Give homeostasis a chance Griffith’s happiest grief expert Kwong Djee Chan talks about the importance of balance. Dear students, As I am writing this letter, I am doing the same thing, trying to see your struggle. I can see that it is frustrating When I was given the opportunity to write something on that you don’t usually know how deep you should study, self care, I thought English is after all my 2nd language, so it is frustrating that there is always unexpected paper instead of a formal article I decided to write you all a letter work, it is frustrating that this whole medical thing has instead, so that its less formal and I can be excused for any taken up most of your life and at times you forgot who grammar mistakes. you were and wonder what you will become. As those thoughts enter my mind, I breathe and behold them; I Since first years have just finished the homeostasis block, I let homeostasis takes over, and just be. By doing that I thought I use that to start with. As I look back on that block, am aware of my anxiety but not being kidnap by it, I am one thing that comes to mind is, our body never gives up in aware of my frustration but I do not feed it more energy, maintaining its inner balance, unless the individual has an instead I focus on writing this letter because today is my inherit genetic condition, most of the time the body takes dead line. care of itself. The unfortunate thing is our mind tries its best to get our body out of its homeostatic balance. It can be Giving homeostasis a chance means try not to interfere staying up late, over drinking, recreational drugs or with the natural state of your body and be gentle to overeating. But why? Why do we do that and why can’t yourself. Yes, it is easier said than done. At times we we give homeostasis a chance to do its job? need life to fall apart to remind ourselves of how we are driving ourselves insane. You might still ask, how do I not In my recent visit back to my home town, about 1,000 do that? As you might have predicted, my answer is to people showed up in my talks about emotional start with your deep breaths, and remember your initial management and handling difficult emotions (death and intention of entering medical school. The less you separation). One thing I pointed out to them is the interfere with homeostasis the more efficient you will be. importance of going back to our original mind. From the When you feel like doing something unhelpful, bring homeostatic point of view the original mind is the neutral your awareness to that. You might still do it, but being balance mind set. For me, deep breath is one of the skills aware is always a good start. Just like how I am writing that can bring me back to the present and just be. For you, this letter and procrastinating about my thesis writing. it might be a hot bath or it might be making cup cakes. It can be anything, as long as it’s not burdening your body in Our body tries our whole life to be in balance, so give it a negative way. a go. Let your balanced body support your balanced mind. Studying medicine is hard enough so don’t make Another thing I learned recently is to try my best to see and it even harder for yourself. recognise the struggle of another person. Instead of reacting to each other with conflict, we acknowledge the Take care and be gentle to yourself. other persons struggle. Strangely enough, when I do that in my mind, the person then tends to be less defensive and All the best. more receptive. Kwong djee joins palms A Self Care workshop will be held on July 21st. Please let Kwong know of any suggestions for topics and issues you’d like covered. Diary of an Addict Just because Facebook says you’ll be an Orthopedic Surgeon does not mean you will be. Charlotte Quain exposes her embarrassing obsession. Saturday 20th February 11:15 am Apparently I will be award-winning 9 am. Sit down at desk to begin case one of Gastro orthopaedic surgeon. Wonder if these quiz results can block but first, a quick Facebook check. go on resumes? 9: 36am OK, bit of delay due to 100 Scrub Crawl photos 12:02 pm Hmmmm, after a bit of a Facestalk, I have posted. Am not in any of them. Bit disappointed as located hot-random-pash guy. Turns out he is a friend would have liked to have checked how my hair and of a friend of my friend! Score! I can totally ‘friend makeup held up during the night but still manage to request’ him, right? view each photo and do quick search for myself in background. Make a few obligatory comments such 1: 35 pm Bastard has not confirmed me yet. How the as: “OMG! You look so pretty!” although they totally hell am I supposed to look through his photos, groups didn’t but now everyone will think I’m a lovely person. and friends to see if he is normal? Now have entire day to finish LOs. Hurrah! Am so organised. 2: 05 pm Oh… so he confirmed but may reject due to his membership of: ‘Crocs! What a great shoe’, “Fuck 9: 42 am Just a quick check for more photos. off, We’re Full” and ‘The Whitney Houston appreciation group’. 9.45 am Refresh. 2:06pm Oh lord. He has a Farmville album. DELETE. 9:56 am OMG hideous photos of me have been tagged. WTF?! Hair and makeup did not hold up well. 2: 10 pm Ok, back to work. 10:15 am Have untagged the bloody lot and feeling 2: 35 pm Am currently at 7/11 for snack break but will slightly better but am quite disturbed that the photos just have a 2 second Facebook newsfeed check are now permanently online. What if that random that I while I’m waiting to pay… pashed sees them? Must persuade perpetrator to delete horrid photos. Argh! 2:36 pm WTF! ** names withheld ** have finished all GIT block LOs. Is that a fucking joke!? Who 10:25 am Right, am very busy and important medical broadcasts that? Must not fret, will do a quick ‘like’ student that can rise above this. Back to GIT LO’s and and comment: “am so glad that you finished too! Did learning all to do with the...um…the…*checks notes* mine yesterday! YAY! *insert smiley face *“ Two can the stomach. Yes. That’s what I’m doing. play at that game. Muhahaha. 10: 35 am Have decided no more Facebook and will 2:40 pm Back. To. Work. become top ranking student and probably some award-winning surgeon. Hmmm, can surgeons win 2:42 pm Oooh,, a quiz on Scrubs… awards? Will wiki it. Married to the Med Dani Newman discovers a name for the pain of the ever suffering Medical Spouse. I can hear it only faintly at first. A high pitched wailing that substance abuse or even compassion fatigue; but it gives way to a raw guttural howl that ignites the retort of could also be MSSS. the neighbourhood dogs in unison. I creep silently to the door of the study and open it just a crack. I can see he is So, apart from all of the very real and serious wearing his lab coat and the plastic surgeon’s headlight manifestations of MSSS, on a day to day basis, my life my niece bought him as a joke when we found out he got has changed a lot since my previously normal husband into med school. The internet browser is open at Google Dr became a med student. and I notice the anatomy poster on his wall has been torn in half. He senses me watching him and turns slowly • Time is now measured in ‘days until exams’ around in his chair, his eyes widened with horror. “I’m not • I have been desensitised to the word ‘cadaver’ smart enough to be a Doctor!” he shrieks, before pitching • I constantly have to reassure him he doesn’t forward onto the floor, knocking himself unconscious. I rush have <insert whatever disease is being studied quickly to his side “…think think, DRABC, do they still do that week here> that? Shit…Danger, Response…” I grab the nearest • An awful lot of conversations begin with “In textbook and locate “unconscious” in the index. Page Kumar and Clark…” 9684 - just as I thought – examinitis! The recommended • Family & friends have started asking me to take treatment is a daily neck massage and a healthy dose of a look at their rashes perspective. The prognosis is good; symptoms should disappear within hours of the final exam. I leave him And what have I learned so far? resting in the recovery position under his desk. • A whole bunch of useless Latin terms for my Medicine can be stressful for students but it’s a very difficult body parts time for their significant others who live with the moodiness, • Said Latin terms are not ‘sexy talk’! self-doubt, tantrum throwing and medical terminology • Unfortunately housework is not one of my med- diarrhoea of a burgeoning doctor. student-husband’s many & varied procrastination activities In the hunt for research to support my claim I was both • When you need A4 paper, you need it NOW! astonished and relieved to find that there is a name for my • The breasts are a very important ‘organ’ - why bedside-lamp-shining-in-my-eyes-until-2am induced misery. else would my med-student-husband insist on The American Journal of Psychiatry published an article in examining mine for cardio, respiratory, gastro 1978 entitled “The Medical-Student Spouse Syndrome: and endocrinology? Grief Reactions to the Clinical Years”. Next time you’re on Everything really must be connected… clinical placement and you come across a patient who presents with fatigue, loneliness, irritability and Please, sign the petition to have MSSS recognised in hallucinations about pharmaceutical company funded version 5 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of vacations, don’t be too quick to jump to a conventional Mental Disorders www.petitiononline.com/MSSS4DSM-V diagnosis. Sure, it could be hypochondriasis, a psychosomatic disorder, depression, * james lonie takes photos of places we’d rather be Getaway Anna Shirley urges you to escape from library. Seriously. Leave now. Springbrook Pimpama The Spit Broadbeach Located about 45 minutes Home to the Strawberry For all those water babies From up-market from Southport, Springbrook Farm and Zorbing, and only out there, its time you restaurants and bars, to National Park seems like a a few exits up the made your way to the Spit chilled-out parks and world away. Get lost in the motorway, Pimpama is a (that stretch of water beaches, Broadbeach breathtaking bushwalks and great little getaway for the between Southport and has it all. Basically it natural scenery. There are a weekend. The Strawberry Marina Mirage). Whether it doesn't have the same wide range of walking farm operates all year be jet skiing, kayaking, or date-rape drug vibe that opportunities, ranging from round, and not only offers jet boating that takes your Surfers seems to reek of, 300m to 54km, depending on seasonal strawberries to fancy, or you prefer to and is more family- your fitness level. Having gorge yourself on until you enjoy the all that the deep friendly. Broadbeach is done both the Twin Falls and turn into jam, but also has blue has to offer from a also just far enough Purling Brook circuits, I feel I farm animals and the like safe vantage point whilst away from Southport, have the authority to say that to keep you entertained. fishing, being at the spit that you can forget the visiting Springbrook is Fancy a bit more allows you to find your sea million LOs you still have definitely worth your while. adrenaline? Two minutes legs and breath in that to do, forget that you’re However, I am Tasmanian, away from the Strawberry intoxicating ocean spray at even a medical student and because bushwalking is Farm you’ll find Ozball, a the same time. If you don't and just be a normal practically a way of life for us company that allows you have your own jet person with a normal life 2-headed creatures, I may to challenge your senses as ski/kayak/fishing gear, you (oh, to dream). The be biased. There are also you’re sent hurtling down a can either ask a mate or restaurants are also a BBQ facilities as well as night hill in what looks like a giant contact one of the local delight catering for every bushwalking tours where you ovum with you as the companies on and around budget. Boonchu is my can explore caves sperm inside. Just to make the spit. Kayaking starts at favourite cheap illuminated by glow-worms. it more realistic, you also around $20, and jet skiing restaurant at Broadie, Not convinced yet? have the option of sloshing from $80. There is also the with mains around $14 Springbrook also has an about in water as you do GUMS Recreational Fishing and huge servings. AMAZING hand-made fudge this. Prices for this can be Club which you can join on Arigatou is another shop. Who said you can’t on the expensive side, so Facebook (search GUMS favourite, although the have your bushwalk and stuff remember to get your RFC). mains are slightly more your face too? sugar-daddy to shout you. For further info, visit: expensive, starting For more information on how For more info: http://www.surfersparadise around $20. But, being a to get there and what else is http://www.ozball.com.au/ marina.com/activities.html! Teppanyaki restaurant available, visit: http://www.zorb.com.au/ you can get a front-row http://www.derm.qld.gov.au http://www.truelocal.com. seat to watch how they /parks/springbrook/about.ht au/business/the-strawberry- cook your meal. Dinner ml farm/pimpama and a show! http://www.springbrook.info/ Mt Tamborine Farmers’ markets Pac Fair/Harbour Ikea Town/Robina A bit like Springbrook, Found in the heart of The home of “cheap but with wineries and Southport at the Gold There’s no better therapy things you don't need cafes. Mt Tambo (as the Coast Turf Club, the than retail therapy. That’s but have to have”, locals like to call it) is 40 Farmers’ Markets are a right guys and gals, time to including a $2.95 cooked minutes out of Southport place where you can sit bring out that fantastic breakfast of hashbrowns, and offers similar and eat breakfast whilst plastic and spend your bacon, tomato and bushwalks to catching up with friends, or exam-related troubles scrambled eggs. Until Springbrook, but also buy your fruit and veg for away. I instantly feel more earlier this year when I boasts many other the week from local soothed and calm simply moved out of home, I activites. From day spas farmers. The quality of the by walking into David was an Ikea virgin and and wine tours, to produce exceeds all Jones at Robina and blissfully unaware of the Scarecrow festivals and expectations, and you can looking at the latest Swedish goodness that local produce markets, be assured that your season’s Sass and Bide tops was within arms reach. I Mt Tamborine has a lot to money is going straight to and jeans, or walking into had heard many-a-tale offer. A place that the farmer, and not into the M.A.C. make-up from fellow med students caught my eye was the the pockets of corporate, department in Myer Pac about this mysterious Tamborine Mountain money-hungry fat cats Fair and sampling yet place, insisting “you distillery, which makes who’s names sound like another eye shadow I don't have to go because it’ll unusual combinations of ‘Moles’ and ‘Toolworths’. need (it really is a different be the most amazing vodka, gin and liqueurs. But aside from doing a shade of black I promise). place you’ll ever visit in Peppered vodka or pink good deed, your stomach But even if I don't have you entire life!” I was gin anyone? Something will also be satisfied as you money to burn (which is sceptical at first, else to check out is the find yourself buying home- almost always, being a because how amazing unique rainforest skywalk, made Belgian chocolate student) I still find window- could one place actually which allows you to brownies, authentic Italian shopping just as be? As it turns out, words explore the canopies pasta, felafel burgers, therapeutic and a good can’t really do justice to and local wildlife a bit omelettes and freshly excuse just to get out of the exquisite place that is more closely. Either way, baked bread. So get the house. Give it a go, Ikea. It’s not just a Tambo is definitely a down to the Gold Coast and try to take a rich furniture store, it's a place to get lost in (and Turf Club and support the boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/ destination to happiness. a perfect way to distract local community every mother/father/ Who doesn’t love a 17- yourself from anatomy Sunday from 6am-11am. grandparent/aunt/uncle/c piece set of Tupperware revision). For more For more information, go ougar/sugar- for only $6.95? NO ONE. information, go to: to: daddy/anything who can So get on the motorway http://www.tamborinemt maybe buy you a little and take exit 23 to get ncc.org.au/index.cfm http://www.goldcoastturf.c something. hooked on flat-packed http://www.tamborinem om.au/page/Your-Farmers- furniture goodness. ountaindistillery.com/ind Markets/10087/ Disclaimer: shopping at ex.htm Ikea has been known to http://www.rainforestsky be addictive – you have walk.com.au/ been warned. Food Jen McAuliffe & Nick Ioannou hate being hungry. Nick’s Mum’s Pastichio Jen’s Magic Chocolate Mug Cake (Ba – Sti – Cho) I kno w ! I couldn’t believe it either – it really is as 1 Packet of thick spaghetti good as it sounds and it has the added bonus that it is 500 grams of Mince (alternatively can use: veges or only the size of a mug and not a whole normal cake, tinned tomatoes) so if you gorge and eat the whole thing there isn’t as 2 Onions much of a reason to hate yourself later. Of course – Italian Herbs they are incredibly easy to make, so once you’re Olive Oil through with the first, its difficult to ignore the Packet white sauce (You need 2 packets) OR you can temptation of just making a ne w one. make real white sauce/Béchamel sauce (roux with butter, salt, flour, milk) 4 Tablespoons Plain Flour Grated Cheese 4 Tablespoins Sugar ( white is best) 2 Tablespoons Cocoa To make Bolognaise sauce: Dice onions and fry in 1 Egg olive oil, add 1-2 finely diced cloves of garlic, herbs 3 Tablespoons Milk until the aroma fills your kitchen. 3 Tablespoons Oil Add the mince and fry until brown. 1 Large-ish Mug Add two tablespoons of tomato paste and 1 bottle of spaghetti sauce, and stir Mi x flour, sugar and cocoa in a large-ish lightly Add a dash of maple syrup & a pinch of cinnamon & greased (and micro waveable) mug. stir Add egg and stir Mix cooked spaghetti and sauce and pour into a Add oil and mix well large baking dish Put in micro wave (on high po wer) for 2! -3minutes Make up the white sauce (or make from scratch) and Wait until the cake has stopped rising and set before pour over the spaghetti until completely covered you remove it from the micro wave and devour. Sprinkle grated cheese on top of white sauce until completely covered For all you death by sugar fans out there – I have Bake in oven at 180 degrees for 30 minutes heard (though have not been game to try) that you can add choc chips throughout or a dollop of peanut butter to the middle of the mug to get a deliciously gooey centre. Kiwis are people too Erika Fernandes outlines the pros and cons of being a Kiwi in bogan paradise. Kia ora bro. Although it feels a million miles away, we really I recommend working, as it’s nice to get away from uni aren’t far from home. South-east Queensland is home to and meet people outside of medicine. It’s also a nice more of our indigenous people than Australian indigenous way to avoid malnutrition, but if you do find yourself so really it’s more like NZ here than it is in NZ. There’s even malnourished don’t worry, you’re allowed Medicare. this bird called a water hen that looks exactly like a pukeko. Choice. Having to pay your fees up front (because you don’t qualify for HECS) and not getting the bloody 20% PROS discount! Another piece of idiocy that you’ll just have You can earn a shitload more money here than back home. to accept I’m a casual at Officeworks on $21.75/hr, hardly pay any tax and get all the tax I do pay back. Woo. Hoo. The Australian Southport is so bogan. If you’ve been to West Dollar. Way better than the NZ dollar. Auckland (or watched Outrageous Fortune) you would’ve noticed that Southport is quite possibly worse It’s warm here. Sometimes a little too warm, but gone are and you’d be extremely alarmed by this. Just close your the days of icy cold southerly winds from effing Antarctica eyes and imagine you’re in a happy place where shooting partially frozen rain at right angles to your face. people wear shoes This means that in “winter” you’ll be hitting the beach and its 22°C water when they’re all complaining that it’s “freezing”. No ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation). You might not think this is a big deal, until you trip down the Medicine is only 4 years, it’s graduate entry, and just all stairs at uni and break your ankle – it’s been done round way better than studying it at home people. In this case, you’re pretty much screwed unless you have somehow been able to afford private health Waitangi Day is celebrated, hangi and all. We don’t even cover. At times like these you’ll be thankful you’re celebrate it at home anymore, so really, this is more like NZ, allowed Medicare but would trade it for Centrelink so than…NZ. you could afford shoes with tread so you wouldn’t slip in the first place Kiwi shops. There’s one here in Southport, near the Courthouse, and also in Parklands near the main campus. No one here has seen Once Were Warriors, so if you tell They’re stocked with awesome things like freshup, cookie someone to “cook you some eggs” or refer to Jake the time, buzz bars, and whitebait, but it’s expensive. The good Mus they just don’t get it news is that Coles now stocks squiggles and mallow puffs, so you can get these at normal prices. I hope this has helped to put things in perspective for those of you who were worried or feeling a little in the CONS deep end. No Centrelink. The bastards. So, we’re domestic students, Go forth, pronounce words properly and be better at don’t need visas, can stay as long as we like, get Medicare, rugby, rowing, and yacht racing. can have a superannuation fund, and PAY TAX (that we get back, but so does everyone else in our income bracket!), Just don’t fall down the stairs. Josh. but we don’t qualify for Centrelink or HECS. Ludicrous, outrageous, ridiculous, but unfortunately the way it is. The Ka kite ano! solution to this is you have to work, or get money from home. Generational Liaison Officers With the ever widening age gap between MBBS cohorts, Scott Newman sets out to prove he’s still hip with the young generation. And jiggy. And all that. Ben Ryan disagrees. Ben was to arrive at 3:00. I was anxiously awaiting his “You’re patronising, condescending and you arrival. Ben has a reputation as a notoriously difficult appointed yourself as my life-coach despite me clearly interviewee, prone to violent outbursts, sulky silence and saying I didn’t want one” unreasonable demands. I was pleasantly surprised to “I see…continue, Ben” open the front door to a dishevelled yet polite young “There are serious issues of legitimacy and competence man. What struck me most, were his shifty ‘racoon-like’ surrounding your ability to teach me anything...” eyes which clearly betrayed a paranoid sensibility. “Interesting…go on” “I worry you might have a heart attack before our work I opened with a question about what he felt defined his is done.” generation? “You mean like how Yoda dies before Luke could “Piracy...” continue his training in the Dagobah System…” Contemplating the complicated geopolitical factors “More like the how they worried McCain would die if behind Somalian economics and international naval law elected president.” I asked Ben for an elaboration “I have downloaded more family guy than porn…that’s Sensing this young man’s insecurity I was reminded of how much I love it” that powerful scene in Good Will Hunting at the end of the film when Robin Williams takes Matt Damon into his Taking the cue that Ben not only liked this show but arms and says repetitively “It’s not your fault” until Matt wanted to talk about it I asked what his favourite scene finally breaks down. This was a make or break moment was in a bid to get some insight into this unusual Gen Y- in Ben’s life-coaching and I had to play it just right. er. Instead, this elicited a string of Family Guy scenes in a Abandoning caution I leaned over and grasped his little frenzied like stream of consciousness and I noted that frame in my medium sized arms and gently whispered popular culture references permeate his language. “it's not your fault” while rocking him gently. Indeed, it seems, Ben sees the world through Family Guy. Unfortunately I misjudged and Ben was surprisingly Hearing him talk about these scenes I wonder where uncomfortable. He icily insisted I stop touching him. Family Guy ends and Ben begins. After a rather awkward hug-disengage I asked Ben As Ben’s life-coach, I have had an opportunity to get to about how well he represented his generation.. know Ben beyond the ‘quirky child-genius boy-man’ that “Well, I think I'm a fairly typical child of the 90's. most see. Indeed, our journey has been an enriching However, I’ve always been comfortable around more experience for Ben as I have taken him under my wing to mature people” pass on my experience and teachings. I take the “Well that explains why we get on so well…” opportunity today to ask him how he thinks our work “We don’t get on well,” he corrects. together has been going. Wanting to change the topic and inspired by my dojo- Karate Kid, of all things, had peeled away the layers of like surroundings, I regained control of the interview. trivial difference to reveal an irreconcilable, “How do you think you would go in a fight?” generational chasm separating us. Generation Y, if I “Worse than Daniel from Karate Kid before he was read Ben correctly, sees the world without the capacity trained by Mr Miyagi.” to metaphoricalise, thus rendering his generation a Considering Karate Kid is essential viewing for my life- symbol of the tyranny of literalisationingness over the coach course, I was disappointed to discover Ben had intangible. missed the film’s central discourse. It seemed incomprehensible to me that he could fail to grasp the And so ended the interview. This meeting of great minds deep moral, metaphorical and spiritual essence of the had exposed our interview as a metaphor for our two film - size matters not! generations. As a result of this epiphany, I realised how far we had yet Sadly, I doubt someone of Ben’s superficial generation to travel on our life-coach journey. A silence descended could see that with their unmetaphoricalisingness. between us as we both recognised the distance between our generations. Dear GLO Scott dishes up strictly confidential, sometimes unsolicited advice with the unnecessary help of Ben. Students can send cries of help to firstname.lastname@example.org Dear GLO, Dear GLO (I’d prefer the young one, not the old one please), I am pretty quiet at med school and don’t really have an identity as such. I always wanted to be I realise this is a little bit out of your area of expertise, the kind of guy that people would say “oh but I recently read that doctors were recommended 6 there’s that guy! You know the one that (insert cups of coffee to help stay alert during intense anecdote/ personality quality/etc)”. Can you medical procedures. I am a pharmacist who works 4 help? hour shifts and I was wondering if I should take the same measures? Sincerley, P. Eason. Sincerely, Stressed Pharmacist I’ll take this one. I’m glad you wrote to me, Paul. The problem is too many people let others I went to a pharmacy once. I saw that 4 hours of decide how they perceive them. Take an administering jellybeans, nasal sprays and last minute active role. For example, before I started telling gift ideas is a gruelling business, requiring a constant people how similar I was to Jason Bourne (for his vigil. One slip up could result in catastrophe and your fighting skills ) and Aragorn (for his looks and patient could be going home with a weight loss shake leadership) no one would have called me they don't like the taste of. These are chances that “Bournagorn”.. and now everyone calls me that you can't afford to take. To combat this, caffeine is and thinks I am similar to aforementioned movie the gold standard solution. To be honest, I wouldn't stars..problem solved. Obviously you couldn’t just recommend 6 cups of coffee, I would insist upon it pull off Bourne or Aragorn. Maybe start with B- - methamphetamines should also be considered. grade T.V stars or morning T.V hosts and work your way up the celebrity ladder. Remember, Little Johnny with the runny nose depends on YOU to make all the right decisions. Best of luck, Hang in there, Scott Ben GUMS would like to thank our sponsors for their ongoing support. Narcoleptics Anonymous Sleep. Get it where you can. *photos of napping nannas can be sent to email@example.com Wired Lauren MacIvor goes where many medical students have gone before. Into the sweet, sweet arms of caffeine. RED BULL ENERGY SHOT COFFEE VITAMIN WATER The bottle says it improves vigilance. Everyone’s doing it. Tricking children everywhere into It does not. consuming caffeine. I’ve never been one of those They cost a lot ($3.99) and are little so people that “needs” a coffee, I was lured in with yellow cordial like already you feel like you’re being despite working in a café for 8 appearance of it only to discover screwed over but you go ahead and years. I never acquired the taste. So that it was not so much vitamins as buy it anyway cause let’s face it, they for my experiment I ordered a short more a load of caffeine and look like a mini red bull and who black with 2 sugars and about 5mm guarana. The yellow smells like doesn’t like food that is mini? Upon of pouring cream floated on top. Pasito, which I like. It does not taste opening the cap you’re greeted by a Then I shotted it. Coffee is a good like Pasito. Due to it’s watered liquid that resembles very dark pee. guilt free hit of caffeine. You don’t down state I tried gulping it down in It’s also warm so there is that split get people staring at you for order to get more taste and drank second where you consider that drinking a coffee over breakfast as the whole thing in 10mins. maybe Red Bull is, in fact, bull urine you would if you were drinking a from Vietnam. It says ‘energy shot’ red bull. Don’t drink a red bull with Effect: After downing it I needed to right there on the bottle so you shot it your breakfast. pee pretty fast. It didn’t make me and are then left feeling very feel as jittery as most other drinks so unsatisfied as it is literally gone in a Effect: wakes you up. I liked that and when I spilled it on mouthful and tastes like Red Bull myself it wasn’t really sticky. I did without all the sugary goodness. Verdict: Drink it if you’re a purist end up dancing around my room Therefore, terrible. and you prefer your caffeine and chasing the dog for 30 mins so without all that packaging and there was definitely an energy kick. Effects: I felt twitchy, hot and I don’t sugar. I actually felt awesome after know if it was my body hating on me drinking it and didn’t get a sugar for drinking something so awful or the Caffeine: 107 mg low that you tend to with the really Red Bull but my skin hurt, just on my Productivity: Eggs Benedict and a sweet ones. hands (which were shaking). bunch of chatter. Overall feeling: eh ok. Verdict: If it was a hot day or you Verdict: Seeing as the energy shots just wanted a light buzz I think it’s have the same amount of caffeine as great. There is semi interesting stuff their canned counterparts, taste written on the label so it was a nice worse and are more expensive I say distraction from study. At $3.04 DON’T DO IT. I’m still angry with each it’s not too bad either myself. I still love Red Bull in a can, considering you get half a litre of however. the stuff. It’s like energy drink lite. Drink it if you’re not that into your Caffeine: 80mg per serve (60ml) hardcore stimulants. 133mg per 100 ml Productivity: 1 LI and Inglourious Caffeine: 82 mg per serve (500ml) / Basterds (2/5) 16mg per 100 ml Overall feeling: agitated Productivity: a bunch of LOs and dancing (4/5) Overall feeling: pretty awesome NO DOZ MONSTER RIPPER CHOCOLATE MILK $4.95 for 24 tabs (is it just me or is it Pray…for…mojo. Childhood in a carton ridiculous how cheap that is?) The can attempts to be manly with Apart from making you feel loved, No Doz is awesome. A caffeine hit its wolverine-like claw marks. Yet it chocolate milk will do nothing without the hassle of having to drink smells like liquid pineapple lifesavers except make you want to write all anything. No sugar low, no need to and if diabetes had a taste, it your LIs in crayon and have a nap pee. Combine it with dancing and I would be this drink. They should in the fort. swear, you have a cure for a cold. rename this Organ Failure as every fibre of me is fighting against $5.39 for 2L Effect: Super awake but not twitchy drinking 500ml of this stuff. or super worked up. Really hot but Caffeine: 5mg (apparently) that might have been all the Effects: Ok so my eye is twitching Productivity: The Little Mermaid running around. and I’m a bit tingly. My teeth hurt Movie (don’t judge me) and the thought of any kind of Overall feeling: wanted to hug Verdict: If you need a buzz but food or smell makes me want to people don’t want sugar, can’t stand the throw up. Actually the only thing taste of coffee and prefer your help that stops me from going and in pill form then No Doz is for you. purging is the fact that I would have to taste this stuff again. I’m Caffeine: 100 mg per tablet also fighting the compulsion to run Productivity: Clean room, a heap of down the street warning strangers LOs and so much dancing I think I that despite the relatively cheap should have stretched before price ($2.89) Monster will make you hand. pay though the nose in the end. Overall feeling: I think I love No Doz Verdict: Go for it if you hate yourself. If you, like me happen to think you’re awesome avoid Monster at all costs. I’m going to admit defeat, I couldn’t even finish the whole can. Caffeine: 160mg per serve (500ml) 32mg per 100 ml Productivity: Hateful thoughts for Monster beverage company Overall feeling: rage at Monster beverage company (you know, the same way you hated who ever came up with original tasting Mother) The first 30 days of the rest of my life Libby Ashton-Jones wonders what she’s got herself into. Day 1: I’ve made it. Three and a half years of preparing drinkies. So many people are commuting from for this and I’m finally here. I jumped through your Brisbane. That’s like… another city! Geez. I find it hoops ‘man’. I slogged my way through a legitimate taxing walking the lazy 15 minutes from Eugaree St, university degree in mathematics (whether or not I you know, the one next to Pohlman. I try chatting to actually turned up to anything other than exams or people but they start blending in my mind. retained any of your learnings is irrelevant now), did Jenylautedwill?? I wander home, sweltering, your GAMSAT (or what I believe to be a secret military disappointingly turning down a maccas run because experiment to see if exams are actually an effective I NEED some sleep. weapon), convincingly lied through my arse about how appropriate I know I am for a career in medicine, and Day 3: Dis-Orientation camp. One word. LASERS!!!!!!! cried my eyes out about having to leave my fluffy wuffy kitty witty in Sydney. Day 5: I’m early. I’m PUMPED. The learning starts now! Jeff, as the hip young thing calls himself, starts I’m here and nothing can stop me now. Not even this off with an introduction to homeostasis. The kidneys overwhelming, suffocating, excessive sweat inducing control our blood pressure he says, and it’s a heat. I take a seat in the lecture theatre, nice and near negative feedback loop and there are shapes and the front, because I’ve turned over a new leaf and arrows and lots of words that mean something. I’ve prepare myself for a mind opening induction to my just one question really. What exactly would you say future. a kidney does? No time to worry my little head about that, we’re going to experience first hand this They all start congratulating me. I know. I really worked thing called the PBL. A woman’s come into the ED. so hard. Thanks for acknowledging it. After a bit a Diagnose her. Hmm. She’s got some latin sounding rambling about being part of the fraternity now (which word that means not breathing well or something is a little sexist if I may say so. Should be a sibling-ernity and there’s syncoping or something and we’re not really) off we go to the well organised signing up doing well enough because we can’t diagnose her. processes. Oh my. Where was I meant to be? Are the Oh god… we’re killing this random woman. This lines meant to be this long? Who are these people? Do woman who had an almost undiagnosable they know what they’re doing? Maybe if I just get in my pulmonary embolism disease thing that I’ve never car and drive back to Sydney no-one will notice. 2 and even heard of before is dead. We killed her. We a half hours later than they said it would end I drag killed Mrs PE. My first death. I’m feeling my mortality myself home. Damn. I have to feed myself now. at last. Day 2: Things I’ve learnt today: Have babies. Now. Day 6: Introduction to cadavers. I’m feeling a bit Some of us will. Might as well start now. They’re nervous. I mean I’ve seen dead bodies and all, I love expecting it anyway. Note to self: lower standards so I a good homicide show as much as the next person, can please my med school admin staff. Students’ faces but having them in the same room with me, not so are starting to become slightly familiar. I can name five much. I anxiously enter the lab and get thrown with a little less uncertainty. And they’re not too bad aback by the sight in front of me. Nothing. Oh wait, either. They seem like they don’t want to taunt me, at not nothing. More admin. I skilfully tune out and sign least obviously. We make it to the GUMS more of my soul away to the med gods and then the real s#@& goes down. Ew. It’s stinky. Oops, I mean that dead body is stinky, but you know, this is all meant in a respectful manner of course. I feel a bit sick Day 15: Fact of the day: Tortora writes in Principles of and hungry. I’m out. I pass some second years. They’re Anatomy & Physiology, 12e, “Stretching the anal fondling plastic bums at the moment. Maybe I can cope sphincter muscle … is sometimes used to stimulate with just looking at dead bodies then. respiration in a newborn baby or a person who has stopped breathing.” What times exactly is that then? Day 7: My first actual PBL was a bit of a blur. I got stuck with board duty first up. Luckily the second years’ board Day 16: Our PBL group experienced a new high. One is so pretty. I just copied it like a holy template. The group member brought in cookies and milk. Stuff Jo second years are truly beyond my small mind’s Christopoulos. Time to get high on the ridiculousness that comprehension. I think my group’s ok. We’re all like is having to spend 2.5 hours locked in a small room with science students (or physios… pfft) so not that much other cookie filled fools and laugh about accidently variety but I’m not feeling like much more spice in my life spelling titles with a t instead of an l. We’re rocking it! right now anyway. The best part is the tutor. He tells us about fishing corpses out of pools of formaldehyde in the Day 19: Actors again today. I showed a keen sense of basement of his med school in Taiwan then force feeds empathy, compassion, awesomeness. I should just be an us the learning i-thingies from this list of “learning actor the way I can con these people. objections” or something, which will make sense to us eventually I suppose. And how exactly is it clear from Day 21: Ted Rayman’s attached to that skeleton, I swear. these cases what the LOs are meant to be. How would a And likes to fist it a lot. I’m doubtful he’s going to be able case of a 19 year old girl with secretions out of every to act out the placement of every organ in the body with orifice make me ponder the idea of personhood? Yeah his shapeful hand but I’m happy to be pleasantly she’s kinda gross and all and I’m not going to touch her mistaken. with a ten foot pole in her condition but I’m not existentialising it all right now thank you very much. By Day 23: Oh, Kyleigh Nicholls, if only you adhered to your the way, our group did diagnose her correctly, which prescribed medication your parents would be better therefore means I did by association. I am rocking it! actors. Day 8: By consensus, Sally Ablett must die. Day 28: I think I’m starting to get anatomy lab. It’s actually almost fun. We had the cardiovascular system Day 9: I had to feed my PBL group today. I’m so clever! I today (ruddy Nigel Cavendish) and in the lab there were brought in Anzac cookies and chips and salsa and the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. Big as your head I lemonade and carrot sticks, for certain tutors on a diet, swear. They were hypertrophied in fact. And there were and I’m all smug. Everyone says the bar’s been set. I ones that had obviously undergone a myocardial agree. In the evening I go to the Hope 4 Health ‘ded & infarction due to the complete occlusion of a coronary mental’ party. I go in the least effort costume I can come artery. Feel my knowledge-y power! up with. Vampire. This other first year lends me some denture glue for my fake teeth. I’m rocking it vampire Day 30: Sadly, next week we haven’t got any workshops style! I cut the rug til I can’t cut no more. I fall into bed. because the fourth years are in the building. The elusive, Second week complete! seldom seen, but highly respected fourth years. What do they do exactly? In fact what exactly happens after Day 12: We had a workshop thing today with actors second year. And what do I do to prove that I should get pretending to be patients. It was pretty cool. Luckily it to go to those years? Failing means repeating a whole was nothing too demanding. We just got a patient each, year, not just doing an extra subject in the summer, but all all with some mental issue pretty much, and we just had I’ve been told is that I just have to learn the learning to get out of them what the problem was. The people objectives and I’ll be right. In fact I should have done before me did well with some pretty tricky cases, so them all by now. And I need flow charts, and maybe when it came to me I had to bring it. I swear I could colour coding, and liquid chalk, and learn all the pins in compete for Australia in the empathy olympics the way I anatomy lab because that’s all they can test you on, performed. Any doubt in this patient’s mind, which was except for the sneaky ones they throw in for the exam, of quite plentiful as he was kinda paranoid, were drowned which I’m not really sure when it is or what the form is or if by my caring and active listening skills and appropriate it even exists to tell the truth, but these possible liars own reiteration and keen insight. Suck it medicine. I OWN my life for the next fours years, possibly more if my YOU! pessimistic side turns out to be right. It’s too late to join those clever people who dropped out after orientation. Day 14: I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am never going to remember this stuff. Metabolic biochemistry? I’m stuck. Why would you put so many syllables in a two worded lecture title? I look in my shiny new books for comfort re: I’m at least a 12 hours drive from my family. All I have is a glycolysis. Turns out Mr Harrison isn’t really interested is this laptop with slightly dodgy internet at times and a shiny kind of stuff. Why would you forsake me Harrison? You set of books that hold my future in their bindings. I’ve promised me internal medicine in a book. Glycolysis is made a huge mistake. internal, it’s medicinal in a sense. Tell me now or I swear I will fold you sideways. Must see comedies Claire McAllister thinks you need to step away from the Robbins + laugh a little. THE IT CROWD BLACK BOOKS METALOCALYPSE “Hello, IT. Have you tried turning “Black Books” revolves around Unless you’re a metal-head like it off and on again? Ok... well the the lives of Bernard (a small me, you probably haven’t heard button on the side. Is it glowing? bookshop owner with a of Metalocalypse (or even know Yeah you need to turn it on. Err, loathing of society and all how to pronounce it!) but never the button turns it on. Yeah, you people), Fran (Bernard’s oldest fear – there are no metal related do know how a button works friend) and Manny (“a beard inside jokes or jargon so it’s fun for don’t you? ... No, not on clothes.” with an idiot hanging off it”) all! In the basement of Reynholm Bernard is a drunken pessimist. Dethklok is a metal band with Industries you will meet the IT Manny says Bernard has no unheard of popularity. So much Crowd: Jen (who got the job by heart, instead referring to it as so that its fans will do anything lying on her resume and actually “a shard of ice”, whereas Fran their songs tell them to, which knows nothing about IT), the prefers to think of it as “a flint”. usually ends in their death. Fans genius Moss and Irish Roy. There is He treats his customers poorly, are made to sign pain waivers at no way to describe how as to him, when his customers the entrance to concerts due to awesome this show is, You just buy books, it just means more the very likely case they will be have to experience it for yourself. effort for him to order new ones killed in the course of the night. It HAS taught me many useful in. He always wears the same Due to the creation of civil unrest things about computers though. I black suit (but actually, it is a and riot wherever they go, now know “if you type “Google” very dirty white suit, as revealed Dethklok attracts the attention of into Google, you can break the when it is washed in series “The Tribunal” an illuminati-style internet. So please, no one try it, three) and on occasion group that monitors the band’s even for a joke”. demands “Get me my lolly!” activity. They believe Dethklok’s (which is just a frozen bottle of popularity is fulfilling a prophecy wine he proceeds to eat as a about the apocalypse of metal popsicle). In season three you (metalocalypse). find out Bernard was once Best episode by far is when engaged, but his fiancée Dethklok write an album faked her own death to get out underwater in the deep sea of marrying him. trenches. It is metal for fish, as “fish don’t got no good music to listen to” and has tracks like “murmaider”, about mermaid…murder. With 11 minute episodes, there’s no excuse not to watch at least one. Knock, Knock. Isobel Ewing & Francine Hosking tell terrible jokes. THE MIGHTY BOOSH HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER How do you tell the sex of a The Boosh started as a few stage If you haven’t watched an episode chromosome? shows and a radio series but is now of HIMYM, get out of that hole you’ve one of the most awesome been living in! Barney is the highlight Pull down it’s genes. creations ever to come out of of HIMYM, whose achievements Britain. It is the adventures of mostly surround his sexual advances Howard Moon (an aspiring jazz- on women. For those of you who What do you call a fat alien? fusion musician) and Vince Noir struggle a little with social (king of the mods). I must admit, connections, the use of any of An extra -cholesterol the first time I watched it I was very Barney’s catch phrases will win you puzzled and a little angry that so the respect of your peers. many people had recommended He is always dressed in a suit, and What did the egg say to the it. But, like with all good things, give started the phrase “Suit-Up!” in the boiling pot of water? it time, you will soon realise that to pilot episode. This phrase can be lead a complete life you must love used for any kind of clothing. I even It might take me a while to and appreciate The Mighty Boosh heard it at a triathlon last month – “Tri get hard because I got laid (no, we don’t NEED to have babies suit up!” To pick up attractive by a chick last night. like us first years were told during members of the opposite (or same) orientation). sex, drag your friend around with you My favourite character is the moon and use Barney’s pick-up line Why did the banana go to (basically it’s just Vince with shaving “Haaaaaave you met Ted?” (or insert the hospital? cream on his face – but your own friend’s name in here) to entertaining none the less) who start up the conversation. This has He wasn’t peeling very well. comes up randomly in episodes been seen to work with a high and basically just sings and babbles success rate at such med events as borderline incoherencies about Scrub Crawl. What’s brown and rhymes himself and his friends, the other The playbook is the most important with snoop? planets. “When you are the moon... episode of HIMYM you will ever see. there is a person people say is the After ending his relationship with Dr Dre sun. I saw the sun once, and he Robin, Barney reveals his book of con- came past me, really fast. And it artists scenarios designed to pick up was an, it was called, the, an women. It includes “The Ted Moseby” eclipse. And he came fast! But as where he uses his friend Ted’s own he came past, I, I licked his back. sob story of being left at the altar as a And he doesn’t know I licked his conversation starter. The most famous back! All in his yellow suit!... I’m the play is the Lorenzo von Matterhorn – I moon” won’t ruin it for you – GO WATCH IT! You may not think you’ve heard of The Mighty Boosh, but maybe you’ve heard of Old’ Gregg, the hermaphrodite merman who loves Baileys and enjoys painting with watercolours. Go check him out, maybe he will show you his mangina. The joy of tea Francine Hosking would like you to sit down and have a cuppa. According to Wikipedia the most consumed incorrectly reported as a negative side effect). Green beverage worldwide, after water, is tea (rivalled on tea does however contain less caffeine than coffee (I weekends when the fluid intake switches to alcohol believe that this may actually be the only negative): and Berocca). there are approximately thirty to sixty mg. of caffeine in six - eight ounces of tea, compared to over one- Legend has it, that the founder of Buddhism hundred mg. in eight ounces of coffee. accidentally fell asleep after meditating in front of a wall for nine years. Not only did he miss all of his Green tea doesn’t have to be boring either. The lectures, he woke up in such disgust at his weakness other day I discovered a blend of green tea AND and the fact that he had done not a single LO in nine cranberry. Not only does one get the antioxidant years, that he cut off his own eyelids. They fell to the benefits of green tea, it also decrease ones chances ground and took root, growing into tea bushes. of contracting a UTI! Even for the most skeptical of you, this is clearly a benefit, especially for those A less brutal version of this legend occurs commonly in promiscuous first years hell bent on nights out in Surfers our house after wasting entire afternoons napping in where you only have to look at someone the wrong front of the TV. After awakening in total disgust at way to get a UTI. So you see, tea is not only a comfort having wasted the whole afternoon napping or drink, a No Doz alternative and a procrastinating tool watching Judge Judy, the first step to rectifying the but also an effective medical prevention strategy. situation is to make a cup of tea. Our tea cupboard does not fall short of 15 different types of tea. Australia is, sadly, becoming a nation of coffee However, I commonly find myself drawn to our green drinkers. In the spirit of wellbeing, don’t forget about tea section. tea. So versatile is it as a drink, you can take it to uni and keep it in your locker for consumption during The Journal of the National Cancer Institute recently lectures (be VERY careful not to drop it down the published the results of an epidemiological study back of your fellow lecture attendees as you indicating that drinking green tea reduced the risk of manouver yourself into your seat. They WILL give you esophageal cancer in Chinese men and women by evil looks in the corridor for the rest of your medical nearly sixty percent. In addition, University of Purdue career). researchers recently concluded that a compound in green tea inhibits the growth of cancer cells. There is Tea will be your most loyal companion. When the hot also research indicating that drinking green tea lowers Queensland weather kicks you in the bum and you total cholesterol levels, as well as improving the ratio think you cannot possibly go one without a good of good (HDL) cholesterol to bad (LDL) cholesterol. cuppa you can drink it cold. When it gets a bit lonely Researchers found that men who were given a on those long cold winter nights or you have kicked combination of caffeine and green tea extract your partner out of bed for snoring, you can drink it burned more calories than those given only caffeine hot. It will bring you closer to your Grandma. An or a placebo. The only negative side effect reported added bonus of bringing you closer to your Nan is that from drinking green tea was insomnia (I find this you may get to practice examinations on her. She will puzzling as, like the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, I have a murmer, it’s sad, but this will excite you. In personally believe that this has been fact, you will find that any medical condition you find in your relatives will excite you. Tea can give you an excuse to leave the room when The supermarket hunt for a new flavour of tea can become conversation gets awkward or boring or nerdy or all three. the most exciting outing of the week. Tea will be an excuse This will happen a lot over the next few years. You will find to make scones. You may resort to eating the mixture yourself telling your friends at home random medical jokes. because you can’t be bothered cooking it or can’t afford They won’t find them funny. They may stop calling you. the electricity to run the oven. You can always afford to run Recognize this early and try to refine your act even if you the kettle. Go without showers if you have to. It will are desperate to tell them your latest medical folly or how become acceptable, people in the hospital generally smell funny it was when your patient told you the reason he was much worse, stick close to them and no one will notice. Tea admitted was because he contracted an STI from a camel. will be an excuse to buy new tea cups which you still can’t Your Mother won’t like your language. Your Father will only afford. want to know what the nurses are like. They will never find it funny, no matter how many times you explain how pulling That’s why they make credit cards. down a chromosome’s ‘genes’ to determine its sex sounds When you finally can afford them you won’t have time to like ‘jeans’. Get over it and go and make a cup of tea. use them. Buy them now. Tea will be a reason to get up in the morning. It will be a Finally, tea will become the best, most productive way of reason not to go to bed. It will be an excuse to buy a red procrastinating about those damn LOs. You can’t get kettle and call it Ruby. It will be a method of extracting ahead. Stop stressing about being 5 weeks behind and amazing gossip. You will thrive on gossip. You will start living have a cup of tea. vicariously through your sane friends who have time for a It’s worth it. social life. On the job Charlie Noonan has a special connection with a patient. During the four hours I spent at the collection centre on I felt trapped, and was petrified someone would walk in my phlebotomy placement I did not touch a single and question me as to why a man who came in for a patient (clinically or therapeutically) because their veins blood sample was standing in front of me naked were apparently “too difficult” for my inexperienced touching himself. hands. As if this wasn't strange enough he then grabbed my The kind doctor noticed my boredom and took me under wrist (with the hand he had just touched himself with) his wing. I spent the majority of the time passing him and began dragging it towards his scrotum - 'So you instruments while he performed bone marrow biopsies can touch and pump it too'. and marrow aspirations (very cool but not associated with venepuncture or exams at all). I politely declined, however he clearly didn't understand my refusal, as he continued to grab me and started The mood changed when Mr X walked in. Mr X spent the raising his voice that I "HAD to touch it". entire consult talking about this catheter-like thing that a surgeon has inserted to treat his incontinence. It involved At this point I figured it was easier just to do it, so I said placing a pump in his scrotum, which he would pump to I’d just put a glove on. He insisted there was no need. stop the dribbling of urine, and release to allow urination on demand. I insisted my hands were filthy and didn’t want him to catch anything. He insisted it didn’t matter (This back As the Dr left the room for a moment he tells Mr X to and forth went on for a while, with his hand gripping my "explain to Charles here about your operation". After a wrist like a dog trap). Finally, I was able to convince him blow-by-blow of the surgery, the old man decided I to allow me to place a glove on, so that I would feel the NEEDED to see it. I declined his kind offer three times "wonder" of what was, effectively, a penis pump. before he removed his pants. Afterwards he pulled up his pants and left, pleased with I can’t explain how awkward standing alone in a small having educated me on such a rare and fascinating confined room with a man blocking the door, with his treatment option for incontinence. Needless to say, I pants down and his hand on his penis really is. Honestly, went home feeling cheap and dirty. you have to experience it to understand it. You have WHAT? Tamara Johansen explores the weird and wonderful side of disease Who hasn't heard of the fainting nannies? Come on having been pronounced dead, as their vital signs now, if you haven't then get yourself onto YouTube can be hard to detect without a continuous auditory and search "goats with cataplexy". pulse oximeter. Yes, it happens in humans too. Cataplexy is an You may have heard of cataplexy associated with unusual and rare disease causing sudden loss of lower narcolepsy (periods of irresistible sleep i.e. excessive limb tone, believed to be caused by an absence of daytime drowsiness, in inappropriate circumstances). the neurotransmitter hypocretin in the hypothalamus. Attacks are brought on by sudden emotion, for When the two conditions co-exist, they are example, anger, fear, orgasm, surprise, awe, accompanied by vivid hallucinations on falling asleep embarrassment and laughter. and on waking, and sleep paralysis – a frightening inability to move. There are no successful treatments Sufferers may be unable to operate machinery, hold of these conditions. babies or even bathe unsupervised. Even though paralysed, they experience no loss of consciousness. Methylphenidate, dexamfetamine, modafinil, or small doses of tricyclic antidepressants have been used Cataplexy in severe cases can lead to people waking with small success. up in the morgue, Spotlight on GUMS position Jana Westerhof shows us behind the scenes of a day as our fearless Academic Officer. So what do I do all day? This was the task given to me At 12.45pm I make my way to the GUMS office to by Caitlin to put a different spin on the academic make some phone calls to organise our up and report. Now I have the challenge of how am I going coming Electives and Selectives evening (Tuesday to express what I do in a day? Should I tabulate it, April 20, it will be amazing!), Laura calls and I speak to perhaps use a flow chart? I am really good at her for about 15min about GUMS events. Then it is creating those, I heart flow charts! I am not great at lunchtime. Over to the café for a much needed writing creatively, and I have spent way too much caffeinated beverage, the remainder of my sandwich time perfecting the art of putting a lot of information that I had half polished off during our lecture in the most concise way possible. Some call it being marathon, and socialising. Then off to anatomy prac. lazy; I like to call it ‘being efficient’. The task of attempting to be creative, actually using words and I finish prac at 4.15 and I have a meeting with Jeff and somehow making my life sound a little bit more Claire (the first year representative) to discuss interesting than it is, is a really challenging endeavour. academic issues that have come up over the past But hey, here goes… few weeks (We meet quite frequently, so anyone should feel free to chat to me about anything you So at 7.30am my alarm goes off. I get up and have would like to be discussed). From the meeting it is a my breakfast, Weetbix (breakfast of champions) and quick dash next door to the fortnightly GUMS meeting. coffee (necessity) and check my emails. It was a late one and by the time I get home it is 8pm. At 8.30am I walk to uni, as usual it is unbearably hot I raid the cupboard for something to eat (never a and I have packed way too much to ever possibly good sign regarding the state of the pantry when the need, always the case but naturally I always have an best option is the home brand 2-minute noodles), call umbrella, hand sanitiser, kitchen sink but I left my my mum, finish my LI, check my emails, watch some notepad at home…fail. TV and finally attempt to make it to bed by midnight ready to do it all again tomorrow. I get to GH1, pack away my kitchen sink in my locker and make my way to 4.07A for our 9am lecture on So that has been my day. I think I have managed to rural health, followed by our 10am lecture on the turn my meticulous timeline (yes, I kept an itemised menstrual cycle, 11am DLEPP lecture and 12pm case diary for the day) into a blog of a day in the life as wrap. me! Surfing Tom Solano gives a locals guide to the best breaks Photo by James Lonie So, you’ve just moved to the Gold Coast, you’ve pulled out At Burleigh, Currumbin and snapper there are rocks that the old board, mankini and decided to get wet. Good like to bite, and performing my “seal-like entry” into the start. You head down to your local break and paddle out, water is not advisable, stay clear of green rocks, you will wherever it may be it’s most probably packed out with all fall harder than your dignity did at scrub crawl! After a sorts on a decent day. When you make it out the back a nine year old kid, drops in on you whilst busting out some casual and chilled out beach break? Fancy a much crazy aerial move and calling you a kook at the same calmer session without too hectic crowds ? Fancy a stroll time. You manage to avoid the 100kg tattooed surfer who through a magical forest? Some like it (Mr Beak), whilst has just made the other guy out there that dropped in on others prefer the choice of consistently good point him a new sphincter. You paddle in after performing your waves. Not quite peeps! Its deceiving, beach breaks trademark “eat-sand manoeuvre.” can be great on the goldly and the sand is forever changing, with new banks popping up everywhere, It happens to the best of us. But if this is happening too often it may pay to tune in about picking the right surf spot keep your eyes peeled after a big storm. One break, on the Goldy (or losing the mankini...)The Gold Coast is South Straddie, is only but a sore arms paddle across the famous for its waves, so no matter what type of surfer you seaway (insert part about how this article I’m writing are: goofy, natural, turtle-humper [bodyboarder], cant come back and bite me if you get eaten by a bull beginner, pro, man, lady, or goat it’s all there for you! The shark or run over by a boat or sucked out to sea trying trick to scoring some nice waves on the gold coast is all in to cross the seaway.) But don’t despair, Straddie is worth the luck of the draw and knowing the right time and place. the pain, and pretty much produces some quality So lets break it down. waves that are pretty steep and only for the higher level Burleigh, Currumbin (or the alley as it is so called,) Kirra and surfer. Beginners will be eaten alive and there are no Snapper Rocks are the “points/headlands” to surf on the lifesavers to watch your precious behind. For those Goldy. These places usually pick up from a good southerly around med school area, I suggest the spit, which is swell. They all are right-handers, and although the protected by a rockwall and a has some good left and changing sand from nearby dredging river mouths usually right banks, beware of the magical surrounding forest if changes the wave every now and then they are pretty venturing further south between the spit and main consistent. These points generally hold a much bigger swell beach (high nudist rate along that patch and pretty nicer than what a shore break would. On a half decent much all the nudest are old wrinkly men) Other top day these places are all usually packed, but just remember beach breaks include Surfers, Broadbeach and the dude next to you in the line up who flew in on last Mermaid. weeks plane could probably be considered a local, so don’t stress too much. Some places (Burleigh and Weekends are always the worst time for a surf. Make sure you choose the right board (bigger board for Superbank) have a bit of a ‘local’s-only’ mentality but bigger day) and if you ever need a quality board, try don’t let this affect your decision to paddle out as on a Boardroom at Miami (on the GC highway) or Stuart at good day it’s totally worth it. If you stick to your etiquette Mermaid beach (also on GC highway.) Surfing is a great out in the water there shouldn’t be any probs.!! way to recharge the batteries keep fit and turn off that damn “Med-head.” So get out there and have fun. Music to escape uni Gel Lynch gets you through the drive to BrisVegas. It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve just suffered through 7. Whiter Shade of Pale – Procol Harum another week at GH1 or your respective hospital and A 1967 concerning a “drunken seduction, which you’re about to tackle the M1 to go see those is described through references to sex as a form “Brisbane friends” that you have distant recollections of. of travel, usually nautical, using mythical and Perhaps you’ve been “pantsed” whilst at the hospital; literary journeys”. or overexerted yourself with DLEPP and DHC 8. I’ve got the World on a String – Michael Bublé assignments amidst having trivial arguments regarding Bublé, the king of covering every jazz artist the correct pronunciation of a certain bacteria in PBL; under the sun. Get some originality mate! With or maybe you’ve just drunk so much Red Bull to stay that said still a brilliant song. awake in lectures that you think you’re about to have 9. Peace Train – Cat Stevens an anxiety attack. You’re knackered and might ask, Fun fact: Commonly known by his stage “How can I get through the next hour of driving when name Cat Stevens, he was actually born the most exciting part is that I might be lucky enough to Steven Demetre Georgiou but is now known drive past Dreamworld as the Giant Drop is dropping?” as Yusuf Islam. “Peace Train” almost didn’t come to light as Cat/Steven/Yusuf nearly died Upload the following play list onto your iPod, tune your from tuberculosis at age 19. iTrip to 88.1FM, pick a lane, put your car into cruise 10. Thank God I’m a Country Boy – John Denver control, wind down the windows and hit play. For now is Not so fun fact: John Denver was killed in 1997 the time that you will realize that the “foot rest” next to in a plane crash at 53. the clutch really was made for some good old foot 11. Devil’s Spoke – Laura Marling tapping. Plus, you’ll provide some much needed This is a song off Marling’s latest album I Speak amusement for the other drivers as you can’t help but Because I can.. The Weekend Australian yell at the top of your lungs “WOOO, THANKGOD I’M A recently said this of her “it should almost be COUNTRY BOY”. No, thank you JOHN DENVER! The illegal to have this much poise, originality and following includes some good old ballads, a bit folk, dignity at just 20 years old”. some much needed indie, a bit of jazz, some of the old 12. Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys school and even some rap. It’ll take you from you all Who doesn’t love a bit of Jay-Z to bring out the way from 1967 to 2010, from Elton John to Adam the inner rapper inside? Sandler to Art vs. Science. An M1 worthy mix, well you 13. Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap be the judge. Basically for the next hour kick back, get The Temper Trap are a local Australian band some wellbeing up ya, enjoy, and prepare to get hailing from Melbourne that managed to get yourself geared up for a good night in Vegas. this song onto the soundtrack of “(500) Days of Summer”. 1. Sail Away – Moby and Enya 14. Parlez Vous Francias – Art vs Science The first song to come pumping out of your My little sister informs me that the lyrics “If you speakers is a mood calmer; this is Murmur’s understand, then listen to me, S'il vous plaît “wellbeing” issue after all. mon chéri aller tomber la chemise” actually 2. Song for No One – Ian Broudie mean something along the lines of ‘if you In the words of Ian Broudie get optimistic and understand then listen to me and take your “Kiss the world with fingers crossed” shirt off.’ Well! 3. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python 15. Sombody Kill Me– Adam Sandler If optimism and wellbeing isn’t your cup of tea From the1998 movie, The Wedding Singer. perhaps the Monty Python lyrics “life’s a piece 16. Take Me Home Country Roads – John Denver of shit, when you look at it” or “always look on I like John Denver, okay? the bright side of death” will ripen your mood. 17. Bennie and the Jets – Elton John 4. Horchata – Vampire Weekend Fellow composer Bernie Taupin has said that Written by a bunch of lads out of New York and the song's lyrics are a satire on the music described by the New York Times as sounding industry of the 1970s. The greed and glitz of like “preppie afro-pop” you’ll either love them the early '70s music scene is portrayed by or hate them. Taupin's words: 5. Cousins – Mumford and Sons We'll kill the fatted calf tonight, so stick A cover by London indie-folk band Mumford around, and Sons of Vampire Weekend’s “Cousins”. you're gonna hear electric music, solid walls of Preppie afro-pop turned indie-folk, a surprisingly sound. rendition. 18. Give Me One Reason – Tracy Chapman 6. Pencil Full of Lead – Paolo Nutini This brilliant power ballad will take you with fist Prepare to start tapping on the foot rest. pumping all the way over the river side express way into Brisbane city, wishing you still had an hour of driving left. The next issue of Murmur will be circulated on the 21st of June. Last word “It’s like Lord of the Rings...but of the Testes. “ Gary Rogers, Male Genital Examination lecture “ You don’t want any shaking about. It’s a fallopian tube, not a discothèque” Jeff Schwartz, Pregnancy lecture “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to give you the answers this year “ Dr Bob laments the crack down on the Anatomy Examination “Wait. So, because the bookshop guy electrocuted himself we can’t have kettles in PBL?” Perplexed student, overheard in the common room. "Sometimes, when a patient talks to me, I don't even listen!" Rhonda, psychologist, D&P workshop tutor. “Are we allowed to wear skirts on clinical placement?” “Yes, but just watch the length. If your cervix is showing, its probably too short.” Gary Rogers, Introduction to D&P Lecture 'Just the other week I performed a forceps delivery of an orange. We have sent her to therapy to avoid consequent delivery of a watermelon' Ash Hanafy, Repro/Endo lecture. Dr: "What do you reckon about this woman's spirometry?" Adrian Castelli (MBBS III): "Well, she's definitely not asthmatic." Dr: "Actually, she's severely asthmatic." Security: Is everyone ok? Bonnie McRae (MBBS III), confused: Yeah ? Security: Someone rang the duress alarm from here. We came to check it out. (Bonnie realises what the plastic clip she'd been playing with under the desk does) Mumur is proudly scraped together for you by the GUMS Publication Team.
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