the nose

the nose The 11th Commandment God, according to most sources, created the Earth in just six days. On the seventh, she drove her SUV in from Ward 9 and circled the city looking for parking near a house of worship. To her chagrin, the only option was to double park or block a hydrant. In frustration, she transu stantiated into the Burning Bush and issued an 11th Commandment: “Thou shalt not ticket churchgoers in the District of Columbia on Sundays!” Absurd? Perhaps. However, the existence of an 11th Commandment might offer an explanation for a common DC phenomenon. Every Sunday, the streets surrounding local houses of worship morph into gigantic parking lots. The faithful from Maryland and Virginia flock into the District, their vehicles willy-nilly blocking driveways, fire hydrants, stores and other cars. The DC Department of Public Works and the Metropolitan Police Department, jointly charged with enforcing parking regulations, routinely ignore these egregious violations. What’s wrong with this picture? Those of us who pay taxes, vote and park cars in the District of Columbia are often greeted by the sight of a ticket on our windscreens. The Nose suggests a little reciprocity. Let DC ticket suburban churchgoers and dispatch the fines to the Virginia and Maryland Departments of Motor Vehicles, where the monies can be credited against similar infractions incurred by District residents in those jurisdictions. Or perhaps the city can provide tax incentives for these religious institutions to relocate closer to their parishioners, which in the new era of $5 per gallon gas prices might not be so revolutionary a notion. able on the DC Watch website (www.dcwatch.org), Evans promised to be a mayor “who will truly fight for change.” He committed himself to “breaking the culture of non-performance that permeates many city departments.” He vowed to “set clear goals for this city and make managers and employees accountable …” While Evans never became mayor, he has had primary responsibility for overseeing the city’s fiscal agencies for nearly a decade as chair of the Committee on Finance and Revenue. During this period, more than $50 million vanished right from under his nose at the DC Office of Tax and Revenue. While “Solutions. Not Excuses” was Evans’ mayoral campaign slogan, during the recent fiscal scandal, he happily accepted the excuses of Chief Financial Officer Natwar M. Gandhi and supported his continued employment. Recently, Evans again wrapped himself in the mantle of “change” by endorsing Barrack Obama. Somewhat ironic for a politician who was an early Clinton supporter and remains one of her precious pledged delegates. However, if Evans is serious about changing, The Nose has a handful of suggestions: 1. Move his residence from swanky Georgetown to Shaw; 2. Swap committee chairmanships with Tommy Wells or David Catania; 3. Give up lobbying for a teaching position in the District’s public schools; 4. Spend more time in the Wilson Building; and 5. Turn off his Blackberry. Evans might also change his behavior on the dais. Perhaps public hearings are not the best place to write checks for household expenses or read the day’s newspaper. If these alterations are too difficult, The Nose suggests that Evans buck the current trend. Let him run as the candidate of consistency with the campaign slogan, “More of the Same!” Vultures, to manage the outside vendors and farmers have been less successful. AsanyoneonCapitolHillcantellyou,EasternMarket is a three legged stool: farmers, vendors and South Hall merchants. If any of the legs weaken, the whole structure collapses. Critically, business outside the spanking new South Hall is clearly down. One major farmer has moved to Arlington rather than operate on poorly managed Seventh Street SE. The crux of the problem, in The Nose’s opinion, is that running a market is really more about managing people than facilities. This past fall, OPM promised to choose a new market management by June, when EMV’s contract expires. The agency has yet to issue a request for proposals much less accept a bid. With the arrival of Harris Teeter, a competitor easily accessible by Metro and convenient to parking, Eastern Market writ large is at a crossroads. Let Triumvirate flex their collective muscle and appoint a new market manager lest the golden goose cease laying her eggs. Mea Culpa The thing that always bugs The Nose about the Cassandras of his profession is how seldom they admit to their inaccuracies. How many op-ed contributors, for instance, predicted earlier this fall the inevitable success of the Clinton machine? How many later recanted? With the impending arrival of thousands of suburban fans possessing only the vaguest notion of the new baseball stadium’s location, disaster seemed a safe prediction some months ago. The klutzy transportation planning conducted early on by the Sports and Entertainment Commission did nothing to mollify The Nose’s dire premonitions. The Nose admits to being less than a prophet. His prognosis regarding baseball traffic proved inaccurate. The media campaign to discourage fans from driving seems, at first blush, to have achieved more than a modicum of success. While many do park illegally in adjacent neighborhoods, fans do not render all roads south of the freeway inaccessible. So, hats off to the Nationals, Metro and the DC Department of Transportation for this rare victory over traffic. Got a tip or comment for The Nose? E-mail thenose@ hillrag.com. ■ A Candidate of Change Why are Americans hypnotized by the word “change”? We “change” our shoes, our neckties and, occasionally, our politicians. This year, Barack Obama vaulted to the head of the Democratic pack with the slogan, “Yes We Can.” Hillary Clinton quickly followed suit. Now, DC has its very own local candidate for change, Ward 2 Councilmember Jack Evans. Running as the “change candidate” is in fact a comfortable, old role for Evans, a 17-year veteran of the council and former mayoral candidate. In a 1998 fundraising letter to supporters, still avail- Killing the Golden Goose Since the tragic fire last spring, a Triumvirate of Mayor Blackberry, Dan The Man and Councilmember Walk-About have together done an excellent job building a temporary shelter for the Eastern Market merchants and repairing the fire damage. However, the efforts of their myrmidons, the DC Office of Property Mismanagement and Eastern Market 154 ★ HillRag | June 2008 ble ub tB Tha or gF itin Wa Median Home Sales Prices till S in Washington DC $535,000 $489,000 $530,000 st? Bur To $168,000 $176,000 1995 2000 2005 2007 2008