VIEWS: 25 PAGES: 4 POSTED ON: 8/12/2011
GROUP E MANDELA copy from news city student/user Name: ARNOLD MUCHOKO Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Copy: Nelson Mandela,South Africa's first black president is reported good caution – but sources are safe to be dead after a car crash in the EasternCape Province today. Very good crisip intro – needs commas – I think you get the world significance of this Reports good caution – good to lean on the side of safetyfrom Johannesburg suggest caution good (but there was later confirmation – have I got the final version – you sent lots of versions that the news brought South Africa to a standstill,as blacks and whites are grieving together source? as one political sloganising - avoid.Umhlobo Wenene FM,a regional radio station confirmed the saddening comment – some I am afraid may be pleased, others indifferent news.Apparently??? attribute to the source Mandela sustained serious head and chest injuries during the crash earlier today. Multitudes doesm‟t mean much – do you mean crowds? Simplest word please of people are said to have gathered outside Regina Mundi Church in the populous surburb of Soweto,as they come to grips with the saddening news. Repetition of commentThe ANC women's league source? are said to be singing songs in memory of Madiba. Not for uk audience, or explain tribal chief --------------------------------------------------- The ANC this might confuse UK audience government has declared a seven day national mourning news for the fallen icon and hero too positive – he is hated by some of course – „terrorist‟ etc of apatheid surely not hero of apatheid, not good spelling error of this word OUCH!.People from all walks of life around the world have been echoing their grief and condolences. Queen Elizabeth???? Surely in UK „The Queen‟ ,said that this was a sad day for mankind.The US president George Bush said,it was a sad moment for South Africa. Another prominant vicar Desmond Tutu paid tribute to a man he called a 'close personal friend'. Very good but last para falls to pieces. Bad luck on Apatheid spelling error – this is uncommon word, so must be positively checked I am afraid. copy from news city student/user Name: Chanin Lloyd Email: email@example.com Copy: Nelson Mandela has died today tenses – use simple past perfect, aged 84, non- sequitor no connex 84 years and car smash after suffering fatal head and chest injuries in a car accident near his birthtown. Birthtown? I never saw that before His vehicle car? crashed between his birthtown of Mveso and Umtata in the Eastern Cape. Do we need this – what does it add. Do uk people know these places. South African President Thabo Mbeki has declared a national seven day period of mourning. Good = news Scenese sloppy of mass grief have been seen around???? the country. International leaders have expressed the ???? their??? sadness at the death of the former leader.he was still a leader, specifically a tribal chief or elder. Fact is former president. Queen Elizabeth II stated that this what? was a sad day for mankind. Prime Minister, Tony Blaire, very bad fatal error wrong spell of proper name of until recently PM of the country. OUCH! said that Mr Mandela had been the peoples apostrophe Fatal politician source for this phrase????and that we he??? be sorely missed. In a tribute to the late leader he was a former leader a minute ago, former Archbishop of Cpe wrong spell proper noun Town, and close personal friend of Mandela, Father Desmon///// wrong spell Desmond Tutu has given his own sad personal tribute to the late leader: “My fellow South Africans, this is a day on which to grieve for our lost leader and friend, but also to celebrate everything that he gave all members of this nation. He was am man of courage, warmth, determination and humour. “He has now joined so many great human beings who have been gathered up to God and heaven will be a better place for this. But St Peter had better be ready because Madiba will not rest quietly. Heaven will be a more colourful and livelier place with his presence. “I pray for all South Africans of all races, creeds and colours to unite to both mourn and celebrate the life of a great man.” Quotes way, way too long. Discuss Shows lot of promise but MUST get into habit of checking all names, and then you will be OK. Maybe do less, but make sure it is all correct. Seems you don‟t really know sentence mechanics. copy from news city student/user Name: Joshua Duffy Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Copy: Nelson Mandela died earlier today (for evening newspaper) in a serious car crash in Johannesburg. Verbose – cut it down as I have done and it is perfect. Use simplest possible tense „ Ockham‟s Razor‟ Whilst en route avoid French and latin terms (Evans)to Umtata with his wife, Nelson Mandela hastense died ath sloppy the age of 84 from serious head and chest injuries after a deadly car crash. He was rushed to hospital to undergo emergancy very bad sloppy typo – you are not at school now! surgery but surgeons were unfortunaly sloppy AND biased – some people will wish to see him dead (not me or obviously you though) but some will – he has a lot of enemies unable to save Nelson Mondela's life. It is not yet said if he died whilst undergoing surgery.poss legal danger of innuendo – what are you getting at. We don‟t need this it is just a sort of „good idea‟ (ie bad idea) that has come in to your head. Thousands how many of poeple are beginning to gather inside the Cathedral, some singing but most are grief strucken. It is possible to ne grieving and singing, especially in Africa – hence The Blues – asgain trying to be too clever. As the news of his death spreads tenses gone all funny leaders from across the world have been sharing their feelings feelings? Wehat‟ds that got to do with it. You‟d can‟t know how they feel – just what they say/do Just report whgat they say, you have to flipping psychoanalyse them. Queen Elizabeth said "It was a sad day for all mankind" It has been announced that South Africia very sloppy typo will go into morning OUCH! this is what happens when you use spell checkers for seven days following the death of Mr.president? or ex-president. Not sure. But I think not Mr Nelson Mandela. Father Desmond, fatal name wrong – he is father Tutu or father Desmond Tutu the former Archbishop of Cape Town and also a close friend of Nelson's cumbersome sentence construction, passive voice has giventenses too complex his own personal tribute to the late leader. He reminds sudden change to different tense – very poor South Africans to "celebrate everything that he gave all members of this nation." He was very sloppy typo many typos inthis the odd one is OK – but not good – only asking for 250 words. But granted the simulator puts you under pressure. Better next time as a man of "courage, warmth, determination."good quotes This news tenses has shocked the world says who? and is sure not to be forgotten says who. This is just comment from you and it is biased We will keep you updated when further news comes in. tautology, since we are a newspaper. Brief was for news paper in News City – shows you forgot about the audience entirely, which is a pity. But some good points here. Shows promise – close but no cigar this time copy from news city student/user Name: Kayleigh James Email: email@example.com Copy: Nelson Mandela has died from head injuries following a road crash near Johanesburg earlier today. A period of 7 seven (style) days national mourning has been declared by president Thabo Mbkei .(he‟s kinda famous too) World leaders have been making a series of statements marking the passing of the former South African president (maybe something here about why he famous like “marking the passing of the South African president noted for his terrible haircuts and crazy shirts and leading SA out of Apartheid or whatever) . The Queen said: (note punctuation of quotes) "This is a sad day for all of mankind".(how does she know – has been on the facebook of everyone on the planet has she? – good quote though well chosen – shows that quotes are for bollocks and drama and comment; facts in your voice Britain's Prime Minister, Tony Blair and America's president George W Bush also offered their condolences.good summary – well done not fall into obvious trap of quoting Bushisms The former Archbishop of Cape Town and close friend of Nelson Mandela, Father Desmond Tutu very good, excellent summary (verbose – keep it short, simple) described Mandela as "a man of courage, warmth, determination and humour....???? what‟s these dots – morse code? Did he actually start saying”beep, beep, beep, beep,… (discuss ellipsis) he has now joined so many great human beings who have been gathered up to God and heaven will be a better place for this..." (very good selection of quotes) He also declared that all South African's OUCH – you were doing so well then you got failed by a stray apostrophe – what a bummer! should both mourn and celebrate the life of a great man. Very bad luck – this was really excellent – better even than Leah‟s , but then you screwed yourself with the apost . In the last sentence too. Its really a shame. Anyway if you just sit down and learn how to punctuate then this is really very promising. Well done, you‟ve failed this time.
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