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					                                              jokes

                                          301 - 400




                                                                  Collected by Barry



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                                                     Jokes 301-400
Contents                                                                                                                              page
301 Campaign for the Reversal of Acronym Proliferation .................................................... 5
302 One word telegraphy ....................................................................................................... 5
303 Creation of Australia ....................................................................................................... 6
304 The things kids say (2) .................................................................................................... 6
305 Elderly ............................................................................................................................. 7
306 Woman driver .................................................................................................................. 7
307 Sydney Driving (1) .......................................................................................................... 8
308 Lost in the desert ............................................................................................................. 8
309 Smart dogs ....................................................................................................................... 9
310 Spanish delicacy .............................................................................................................. 9
311 Sydney Driving (2) ........................................................................................................ 10
312 Ultimate senior moment ................................................................................................ 10
313 Chemicals in the Garage ................................................................................................ 11
314 Revenge is sweet ........................................................................................................... 12
315 Husband shopping ......................................................................................................... 12
316 Blonde in bar ................................................................................................................. 13
317 Modern management ..................................................................................................... 13
318 A partridge in a pear tree ............................................................................................... 14
319 The honeymoon is over ................................................................................................. 16
320 Shaggy pirate ................................................................................................................. 16
321 Middle Aged Woman Story........................................................................................... 16
322 Famous quotations (1) ................................................................................................... 17
323 Girls night out ................................................................................................................ 17
324 Jewish tradition .............................................................................................................. 18
325 The flower show ............................................................................................................ 18
326 Carpet laying ................................................................................................................. 19
327 Smart thinking ............................................................................................................... 19
328 Blond puzzle .................................................................................................................. 19
329 Shaggy but gorgeous redhead ........................................................................................ 20
330 Famous quotations (2) ................................................................................................... 20
331 Gems of wisdom (1) ...................................................................................................... 21
332 Top Ten Caddy Comments ............................................................................................ 21
333 Headache ....................................................................................................................... 22
334 Gender of common items .............................................................................................. 22
335 Upon being booked ........................................................................................................ 23
336 Email from grandma ...................................................................................................... 24
337 Gems of wisdom (2) ...................................................................................................... 24
338 New meanings of old words .......................................................................................... 25
339 Who wants to be a millionaire ....................................................................................... 25
340 How to play golf ............................................................................................................ 26
341 Riddle ............................................................................................................................ 26
342 Success .......................................................................................................................... 27
343 Ever wonder… ............................................................................................................... 28
344 Ford ................................................................................................................................ 28
345 Homeless Man ............................................................................................................... 29
346 Fairies are Female .......................................................................................................... 29


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347     Oz Speak ........................................................................................................................ 30
348     Engineers ....................................................................................................................... 30
349     Old age........................................................................................................................... 30
350     Hearing .......................................................................................................................... 32
351     Through with God ......................................................................................................... 32
352     I want a divorce! ............................................................................................................ 32
353     The Spell ........................................................................................................................ 33
354     Martha Stewart's Tips for RedNecks ............................................................................. 33
355     Bear Hunting at 80 ......................................................................................................... 34
356     The Blonde Nun ............................................................................................................ 35
357     Your Just Rewards ......................................................................................................... 35
358     A Trip to Rome .............................................................................................................. 36
359     The new voice-mail system at a local mental hospital .................................................. 36
360     Panic .............................................................................................................................. 37
361     Teaching the bird a lesson ............................................................................................. 37
362     Ogden Nash ................................................................................................................... 38
363     Homeless man ............................................................................................................... 38
364     Texas.............................................................................................................................. 38
365     Afghani Women ............................................................................................................ 39
366     This year‟s Vocabularianism ......................................................................................... 39
367     Statues............................................................................................................................ 40
368     George W ....................................................................................................................... 40
369     Hospital Consensus. ...................................................................................................... 40
370     Satan .............................................................................................................................. 41
371     English spelling is a peace of caique ............................................................................. 41
372     Special high intensity training ....................................................................................... 42
373     Billy Bob's Vacation ...................................................................................................... 42
374     Bible Stories (1) ............................................................................................................. 43
375     Antonyms ...................................................................................................................... 43
376     A wee bit of Irish humour.............................................................................................. 44
377     The buffalo theory ......................................................................................................... 44
378     Men just can‟t win ......................................................................................................... 44
379     Sharing ........................................................................................................................... 45
380     Mirror, Mirror, on the wall... ......................................................................................... 45
381     Redhead ......................................................................................................................... 46
382     Good cooks .................................................................................................................... 46
383     Policy development ....................................................................................................... 46
384     The tourist‟s prayer ........................................................................................................ 47
385     Test for dementia ........................................................................................................... 48
386     Buying a computer ........................................................................................................ 49
387     Ode of an asylum seeker ................................................................................................ 51
388     Bible stories (2) ............................................................................................................. 51
389     Pardon? .......................................................................................................................... 52
390     Understanding engineers ............................................................................................... 52
391     Cardiologist's Funeral .................................................................................................... 52
392     New words for old ......................................................................................................... 53
393     The smoke test ............................................................................................................... 53
394     Goldfish ......................................................................................................................... 54
395     Ordering pizza in 2010 .................................................................................................. 54
396     Your council rates at work............................................................................................. 55


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397     Who is your real friend? ................................................................................................ 56
398     Subject: The Bottle of Wine: A story for Women ........................................................ 56
399     Dog tired ........................................................................................................................ 56
400     Exercises for the elderly ................................................................................................ 57




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301 Campaign for the Reversal of Acronym Proliferation
Ex TCE 06/03

Some possibly real acronyms which should be done away with:
 The Chemical Industries Association has an offshoot called the Chemical Industries
   Association Broking and Trading Agency: CIABATA
 The EU will soon have the Body for the Administration and Governance of Unusual Extra
   Terrestrial Things – Europe.
 The Canadian Reform Conservative Party used to be called the Canadian Reform Alliance
   Party.
 The original name for the recent SARS problem was Acute Respiratory Syndrome
   Epidemic.

Help stamp out the Abbreviated Code Rarely Or Never Yielding Meaning.

302 One word telegraphy
Ex Liz

Sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull advertised in the paper so that they
can breed their own stock. The brunette decides to go and make the purchase.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me with the trailer and bring it home.”

The brunette arrives at the owner's farm, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The owner tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling
her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out
here so we can take it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a
word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word
"comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your ute and drive out here to take that bull back to your farm if you send her just the
word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. If the word's big, she'll read it very slowly …
com-for-da-bul."


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303 Creation of Australia
ex Liz

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the
beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it
was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God
saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants – to provide malt and yeast for
beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the cricket, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and
eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the cricket,
surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw
that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the good Blokes, smelled the aroma of
grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. God saw
that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie.
God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!

304 The things kids say (2)
Ex Paul

Police (2)
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered
my equipment, my police dog, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you‟ve got in there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What did he do?"




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305 Elderly
While working for meals-on-wheels, I used to take my 4-year- old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in
a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Dress-up
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his
tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Death
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a
prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
found a dead bird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and put cotton wool inside, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn and into the hole he gooooes."

School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to
her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

Bible
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old
pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found",
the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

306 Woman driver
Ex http://groups.melbpc.org.au/~ripper/ripgiggle.htm

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they passed each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge
pig in the middle of the road.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.




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307 Sydney Driving (1)
ex Liz

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Sydney driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front
    of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous
    situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't
    have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in,
    giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
    ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestion and are apparently not
    enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in
    Sydney.
9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing
    a tire.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Sydney is the home of High-Speed Driving thanks to the RTA,
    which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

308 Lost in the desert
Ex http://groups.melbpc.org.au/~ripper/ripgiggle.htm

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As
they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they
suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.

"Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets
to within two metres of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in
a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out
"Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree . . .

… it's a Ham Bush"


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309 Smart dogs
Ex http://groups.melbpc.org.au/~ripper/ripgiggle.htm

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second
man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the
fifth was a public servant

To show off, the engineer called his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a
desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass
from the cupboard and poured exactly 250 ml without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have a go!" Hard Drive crossed
the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent
an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your dog do?"

The public servant called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, boy." Coffee
Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer,
sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers compensation and went
home on six-months sick leave.

310 Spanish delicacy

Ex Liz
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.
While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at
the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the
bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me
an order!"




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The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is
only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will
be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

311 Sydney Driving (2)
ex Liz

1. It is traditional in Sydney to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light
    changes.
2. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
3. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
4. Remember that the goal of every Sydney driver is to get there first, by whatever means
    necessary.
5. Real Sydney women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 km/h in
    bumper-to-bumper traffic.
6. Real Sydney men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75 km/h in bumper-to-
    bumper traffic.
7. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These
    weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops,
    junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
8. There is a common held belief in Sydney that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic
    reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.
9. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have
    brakes.
10. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of their passengers. Hence no matter
    how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Mt Druit, Redfern,
    Lakemba, Punchbowl, Cabramatta and Kings Cross.
11. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
12. It's O.K when driving in Sydney's Western suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers
    by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "asshole". But it is imperative you
    are driving a turbo charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar on your lap.

312 Ultimate senior moment
Ex Liz

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris
should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may
overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.


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After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on
the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year old
groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris,
who looks happy and eager.

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done,
Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the
door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old. And once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that
at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of
your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I‟ve been here already?"

313 Chemicals in the Garage
Scottish Land Rover Owners Club
And http://www.geocities.com/vickips/home.html

   White spirit: Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also
    used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx one month)
    This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.
   Caustic soda, followed by nitric acid: Used for dissolving gummy deposits on SU fuel
    pump filters, then dissolving the filter.
   Lacquer thinner: Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was
    invented by Dulux for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics often use
    lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.
   Silicon wax: Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.
   Pre-paint cellulose thinners: Used to ensure that any silicon wax present, is distributed
    more evenly over the surface to be painted.
   WD40: Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice.
   Gunk / gumption: Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunk‟s primary component is mayonnaise
    but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for
    lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk
    never comes off.
   Grease: Used for making rags dirty.
   Glue: When left open for the correct time, will produce blurred-vision and hallucinations
    in nearby mechanics. A good substitute for beer. (See Drill-Press)
   Superglue: Used for several purposes:
    1. holding the big flap of skin closed, after slicing it open with the Stanley knife
    2. sticking bits of plastic to fingers, rather than the plastic or metal you were going to
        stick it to,



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    3. attaching itself to the inside of your toolbox, creating a object for all the detritus to
        gather around.
    4. making horrible great marks on the windscreen when you try to fix a small chip - just
        like the repair company does.
   Silicone gasket-in-a-tube: When left to age sufficiently, the outer layer can be peeled off,
    revealing a blob of hard rubber the same shape as the original tube. If used immediately,
    can effectively plug up radiator cores.

314 Revenge is sweet
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown
luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he
asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this,
but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was
gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat
down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background,
and feasted on a pound of prawns and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she
went into each room and deposited a few of the prawns and resulting prawn shells into the
hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it
started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for
dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and
did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home - including, of
course ....the curtain rods!

315 Husband shopping
Ex Liz

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in
positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor,
you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down
except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving
kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they went.



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Second floor the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely
good looking."
Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!

And up they went.
Fourth floor this door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women
are impossible to please."

316 Blonde in bar
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 10pm. She sits down next to a blonde at the bar and
stares up at the TV. The 10pm news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on
a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump.”
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building,
falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair.
Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news
and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

317 Modern management
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri
River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The
American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A
"Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1


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person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So
American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of
money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people
were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure
was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1
assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system
that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichment through this quality
program." The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new
equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life eh?

318 A partridge in a pear tree
Ex www.perthdps.com
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
*******
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just
delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
*******
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three
french hens. They are just darling but I must insist. You're just too kind.
Love Agnes
*******
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you
think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
*******
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're
just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds are beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love, Agnes


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*******
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're
back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
*******
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this?
There's bird poo all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I
can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
*******
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough
with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is
poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me.
Ag
*******
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset
and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to
do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
*******
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings
has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm putting the
police on you.
One who means it, Ag
*******
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
*******
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister




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at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

319 The honeymoon is over
Ex Liz

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the
most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter
words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work
this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just
too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-
letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

320 Shaggy pirate
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A band of pirates buried their treasure on the seashore.

Afterward, they looked around for a marker, but could find nothing except a few turtle eggs.

So they broke open the eggs, fried them and left the shells on top of the buried treasure.

The pirate captain announced to his crew, "Eggs mark the spot."

321 Middle Aged Woman Story
Ex Liz

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the
operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and
a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so
much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.




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After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street in front
of the hospital on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God,
she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out
of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you"

322 Famous quotations (1)
ex melbpc.general newsgroup

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat
    myself. --Mark Twain
2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a
    bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --
    George Bernard Shaw
4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to
    pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy speaking for Bob Hansen
5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have
    for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U.
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage
    boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the
    expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)
9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it
    moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it. --Ronald
    Reagan
10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts --Will Rogers
11. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --
    P.J. O'Rourke

323 Girls night out
Ex Liz

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would
be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a. m.,
drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to
escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't
seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!



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Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

324 Jewish tradition
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Sh'ma prayer was said, half
the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at
those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up ...

The rabbi didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the
elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the
nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose
followers stood during Sh'ma said to the old man, "Is it the tradition to stand during this
prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is it the tradition to sit during Sh'ma?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregation fights all the time, yelling at each other
about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

325 The flower show
Ex Liz

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For
$5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5 note.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."




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326 Carpet laying
Ex Graeme Johnstone

A man who was installing carpet decides to take a cigarette break after completing the
installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding his ciggies missing from his
pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-
installation.
Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and
pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be
carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and he is out in the drive-way loading his tools
into his truck when the lady of the house returns home and admires her new carpet and thanks
him for a job well done. He spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck when
the lady of the house calls out, "Have you seen my parakeet, he's not in his cage?"

327 Smart thinking
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and
you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one
passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You
could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or
you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would
stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

328 Blond puzzle
Ex Liz

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come
four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten
glasses, take their drinks and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are
filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table.
sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing
around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"


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The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the
center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the
chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and
they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought
that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51
days!"

329 Shaggy but gorgeous redhead
Ex Liz

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next
table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye flew out of its socket towards him. He reflexively
reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. "Let me buy
you dinner to make it up to you," she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards went to the theatre, followed by
drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She
listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a
nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning she
cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed!! Everything had been
SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replied."
"You just happened to catch my eye."

330 Famous quotations (2)
ex melbpc.general newsgroup

1. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want
   government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to
   intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene
   anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran, former Editor of the National Review
2. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one
   party of the citizens to give to the other --Voltaire(1764)
3. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an
   interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
4. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark
   Twain
5. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -Unknown
6. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no
   responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
7. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent
   blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill


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8. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the
    skin. --Mark Twain
9. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools
    -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
10. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain

331 Gems of wisdom (1)
ex Liz

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead
    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow
    Do not walk beside me either, just piss off and leave me alone
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre
3. The darkest hours come just before dawn.
    So that's the time to steal your neighbour‟s milk and paper
4. Sex is like air.
    It only becomes important when you are not getting any
5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
    If you can‟t be replaced you can‟t be promoted
6. Remember no-one is listening till you fart
7. Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
9. If you think no one cares whether you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of loan
    repayments
10. Before you judge someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and have their shoes

332 Top Ten Caddy Comments
ex Heather

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer:" Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer:" You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy:" I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer:" Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy:" It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer:" How do you like my game?"
Caddy:" Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf!"


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Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy:" The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer:" This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy:" This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer:" That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

333 Headache
Ex Liz

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said,
"In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and
finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

334 Gender of common items
From melbpc.general newsgroup

Ziploc Bags: male - Because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through
them.
Swiss army knife: male - Because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it
spends most of its time just opening bottles.
Kidneys: female - Because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Shoe: male - Because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier: female - Because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also:
- Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.


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- Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Car tyre: male - Because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
Hammer: male - Because it hasn't evolved much over the 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
TV remote control: female - Because it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while
he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Internet: female - Because it can take forever to get the correct answer.
Microsoft Windows:- Female
- Changes with no warning.
- If it does something wrong, it is your fault.
- Takes an inordinate amount of time to get ready.
- Uses all of its resources to do a simple task.

335 Upon being booked
Ex Liz

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for support.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please.

The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty space.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the officer. The officer
snaps open the purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.


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Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a
licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

336 Email from grandma
Ex Paul

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus"
bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on
my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how
good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves
Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started
honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of
God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at
all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was
probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their
cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and
I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

337 Gems of wisdom (2)
Ex Liz


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1. If at first you don't succeed, avoid sky diving
2. Give a man a fish he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer for a day
3. Have you lent someone $20 and never seen them again?
It was most probably worth it
4. If you tell the truth, you don't need a good memory
5. Some days we are flies on the windscreen of life
6. Good judgement comes from bad experiences, which usually comes from bad judgement
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket
8. There are two theories of how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works
9. Generally speaking, you are not learning much if your lips are moving
10. Never miss a good chance to shut up

338 New meanings of old words
Ex Washington Post

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which a woman absentmindedly answers the door in
her nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before
he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

339 Who wants to be a millionaire
ex Liz
Mick is appearing on the Australian program 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'

Eddie: "Mick, you've done very well so far, you're on $500,000 and you've got one lifeline
left - phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million if you get it right,
but if you're wrong you will be out of the game and drop to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go".
Eddie: "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin; B- Sparrow ;C- Cuckoo ; D- Thrush? Remember Mick, it's worth a Million
Dollars."
Mick: "Er.... I don't know dat one at all at all.... no I haven't got a clue. I'll phone a friend."
Eddie: "OK Mick, who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy" (Ringing)
Paddy: "Hello, hello, dere..."



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Eddie: "Hello Paddy, it's Eddie Maguire here from "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I have
Mick here and he's doing very, very well. He's on $500,000 but needs your help to get the
Million. The next voice you hear will be Mick's and he'll explain the question. There are 4
possible answers but just one correct answer. You have 30 seconds to answer... fire away
Mick."
Mick: "Hello dere, Paddy. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? Is it: A
- Robin ; B - Sparrow ; C - Cuckoo ; D -T'rush?"
Paddy: "Jaysus, Mick, dat's easy.... it's a Cuckoo".
Mick: "Are you absolutely sure Paddy?"
Paddy: "Sure I'm bloody sure"
Mick: "T'anks, Paddy." (Hangs up)
Eddie: Well do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the first ever Million, Mick?"
Mick: " I want to play, I'll go with C, the Cuckoo."
Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is, it is."
Eddie: "Confident?"
Mick: "Oh, ay, Paddy's a real genius, he knows everyt'ing."
Eddie: "Mick... you had $500,000 and you said Cuckoo. You have just won a Million Dollars
Here's your cheque - you have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please
put your hands together for Mick." (Applause)
That night Mick calls Paddy and invites him down to the local pub to fill him full of drink. As
they're sitting at the bar, Mick turns to Paddy and asks: "Tell me Paddy - how in God's name
did ye know dat it was de Cuckoo dat doesn't build it's own nest? Sure, ye know nothin' at all
about birds."
"Jaysus, ye're a right bloody eejit, Mick, dat was easy - sure everyone knows a Cuckoo lives
in a clock!"

340 How to play golf
Ex Heather

There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would
paint the whole outside of the house just to go golfing."
The second guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would built her a
new deck."
They continued to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the fourth guy, "What did you have
to promise your wife?"
The fourth guy replied, "I didn't promise anything."
All the guys were shocked, "How did you do that?!"
He said, "It's simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30 am. Then I poked my wife and asked, 'Golf
course or intercourse?' And she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"

341 Riddle
Ex Liz

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.


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Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

342 Success
Ex melbpc,general

A successful American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellowtail tuna. The American complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with
my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more
time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat
you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of
selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening
your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would
need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would
announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would
make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"


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The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where
you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the
village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

343 Ever wonder…
ex Liz
 Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
 Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
 Why is it that to stop Windows 98/XP, you have to click on "Start"?
 Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real
    lemons?
 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
 When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
 Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
 You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? Why don't they make
    the whole plane out of that stuff?!
 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
 If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

344 Ford
Ex Liz

This man in a Ford Falcon pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their
windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Falcon says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Falcon says, "So, do YOU have a
double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in the back here - see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Falcon takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to
be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double
bed in the back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his
car and drives all over town looking for the Falcon. He finally finds it parked alongside the
road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Falcon are all fogged up and he


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feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the
foggy window of the Falcon. The man in the Falcon finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out – I‟ve got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Falcon says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?!"

345 Homeless Man
Ex Liz

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-
looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his
wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with
it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man
asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you
home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I
know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up
beer, gambling, golf, and sex.

346 Fairies are Female
Ex Liz
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 25 years, I
will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"......said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband‟s turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a
lifetime.
So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me"
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!... Suddenly the husband
was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards but Fairies are Female!




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347 Oz Speak
Ex Liz

The results are out for the Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian
word, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty
definition:

billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.
dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
mateshit: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.
shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling
himself in the scrub.
crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep (especially to Kiwis!) .

348 Engineers
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening
down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he
steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.
Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their
lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed
the brakes and be on our way!"
The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to
ensure that is really the problem."
The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

349 Old age
Ex Ross

I can hear just fine! (1)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

I can hear just fine! (2)

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."



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She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said,
"Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

Romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

Down at the retirement center

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her
clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have
sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks for a minute and says, "Close enough."

Old friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few
times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad
at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Senior driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Those Florida drivers

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."




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A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

350 Hearing
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I
think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat
things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing
this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15
feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's
for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew you deaf bastard!"

351 Through with God
Ex internet

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no
longer needed God.

They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist
walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We've reached
the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just
leave us alone."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was finished talking, God
said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."

To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go and get your own dirt!"

352 I want a divorce!

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
Woman: No, we have a carport.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?


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Woman: No, I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
Woman: No, my husband wants it. He claims he can't communicate with me!

353 The Spell

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell
by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell
madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he
wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing
the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited
another four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely
princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince
heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in
wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

354 Martha Stewart's Tips for RedNecks

In general
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
rent-a-caravan to the funeral parlour.

Dining out
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to
"bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

Personal hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using
one's own truck keys.


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2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewellery and alter the taste of her finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.

Theatre etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has
ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling
shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in
sight.
2. When approaching a four-way intersection, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the
right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask her to bring
back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession

355 Bear Hunting at 80
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was
feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy
who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a
hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued,
"So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up
his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.



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Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead right in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Well, now you are beginning to understand what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

356 The Blonde Nun
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow
creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to
you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I
lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the
nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I
would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans
everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

357 Your Just Rewards
Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his
marriage, so God gave him a tiny compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until
the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.



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"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

358 A Trip to Rome
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go
there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you
getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and
they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his
trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand
new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and
foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the
presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd
be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

359 The new voice-mail system at a local mental hospital
 If you are obsessive, press 1, repeatedly.


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   If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

   If you have a multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

   If you're schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to
    press.

   If you are paranoid, stay on the line. We are tracing your call.

360 Panic

One day at a busy airport, the passengers are seated on a commercial airliner, waiting for the
cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear at a door at the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to
the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers think it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few
minutes when the engines start revving and the aeroplane starts moving down the runway, the
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and
looking desperately to the attendants for reassurance.

As the aeroplane starts accelerating people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying,
and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical. Finally, when the aeroplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, the
passengers scream in unison. Suddenly, at the very last moment, the aeroplane lifts off and is
airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one
of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're all gonna be killed!"

361 Teaching the bird a lesson

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and
a worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
The new owner tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird
just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in
the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird continue to squawk, swear, kick and scream. Then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.



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Frightened that he might have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am
truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

The owner was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made
such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

362 Ogden Nash

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

363 Homeless man
Ex Ross

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-
looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out
his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with
it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money to watch a porn movie?"
"Are you kidding I gave sex up years ago, it means nothing now."
Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm
very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given
up beer, gambling, golf and sex...

364 Texas
Ex Ross

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was
airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The
flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.


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He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my
lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.... I didn't
know we had a choice."

365 Afghani Women
Ex Liz

A TV reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but
now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom. She approached one
of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you
used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman

Moral: behind every man is a smart woman.

366 This year’s Vocabularianism
ex Paul

For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English language...the Washington Post
publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various
words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before
he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets
stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist




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367 Statues
Ex Ross

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been
facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down
from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers
and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to
do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits
patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But lets change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on it's head."

368 George W
A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says:"I am Ronaldo, the best football player in the world. The football
world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: “I am the wife of the former president of the
United States; I am the senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of
the United States in the future.“
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says: “I am the president of the United States of
America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the
history of my country and can„t shun the responsibility to my people by dying.“
He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy: "I am old. I
have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to
you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you."

To this the little boy says: “Don„t fret old man…..There is a parachute for each of us! The
smartest president of America took my schoolbag....."

The moral of this story: Each country gets the president it deserves.

369 Hospital Consensus.
Ex Ross

When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,



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the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The Gastro-
enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a
lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my
dead body!", while the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts
whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold
water.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the
heart to say no.....
which goes to prove that medicos should stick to medicine.

370 Satan
Ex Ross

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the
church. Everyone started screaming and running for the, front entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to getaway from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except
for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to
the fact that God‟s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said. “Don‟t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren‟t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain‟t.” said the man.
“Don‟t you realise I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don‟t doubt it for a minute,”
returned the old man, in an even tone. “
“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” “Yep,”
was the calm reply.
“And you‟re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren‟t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

371 English spelling is a peace of caique
Ex A. Harley, The Age, 16/7/04

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through.
Well done! And now you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; its said like bed, not bead,
For goodness sake don‟t call it deed!
Watch out for mead and great and threat


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(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And there is not a match for here,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there‟s dose and rose and lose
Just look them up – and goose and choose
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword
And do and go and thwart and cart.
Come, come, I‟ve hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Man alive,
I‟d mastered it when I was five!

372 Special high intensity training
Ex Jude

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will
be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially
skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE
EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since
our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your
name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who
are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to
DIRECTOR OF
INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL
HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,

373 Billy Bob's Vacation
Ex Liz

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I
reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different The last
few years, I took your advice about where to go.



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Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

374 Bible Stories (1)
Ex Liz

1.  Solomon, one of David‟s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
2.  When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
3.  When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
4.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
5.  St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
6.  Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.
    He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
7. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the
    entrance.
8. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
9. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
10. One of the possums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
11. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for
    marriage.
12. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

375 Antonyms
Ex New Scientist, Feedback, 12/6/04

Products and organisations with inappropriate names:
 A fixed exercise bike inappropriately named Explorer.
 The Impact driving school.
 In the village of Plockton in the Scottish Highlands, there is the Nessun Dorma guest
   house, which, besides being the name of a famous aria, is Italian for "none shall sleep".
 In the English city of Cambridge there is a construction company called Wrekin.
 A fish restaurant in Croydon, Victoria, goes by the name of Blue Ringed Octopus.
 In London there is a firm called Nadir Investments Limited.
 The security company that patrolled someone‟s old school was called Lowe Security.
 There is the Lemmings Health Club on the south side of Dublin, Ireland.
 There is a company promoting skydiving that also has the name of Impact.
 For a long time, the air services from Adelaide to Kangaroo Island were provided by
   Penguin Airlines and Emu Airlines, both of them named after flightless birds.
 There is an Ecuadorian airline called Icaro, which means Icarus. Icarus, mythically fell
   from the sky when the sun melted the wax holding his feathers in place.
 Sony has named the proprietary read-only disc format used by its PlayStation Portable the
   "Universal Media Disc"-which it definitely is not.




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376 A wee bit of Irish humour
ex Ross

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.”
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it
Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say"
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire
that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months.
Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers "What'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

377 The buffalo theory
Ex Rob

"Well you see Norm, its like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is
why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

378 Men just can’t win
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the
wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down.

Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do
everything. So she opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!"

He shouts back, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"


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379 Sharing
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were
thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then
paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking the food off
of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old
man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as
the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old
couple."
As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old
couple‟s table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were
just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed the little old lady
still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped
some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This
time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young
man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally
asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth"

380 Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...
Ex Liz

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look
that old?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his
certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with
the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.


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He answered, "In 1959. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the jerk asked, "What did you teach?"

381 Redhead
Ex Midge

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she
touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No", she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

382 Good cooks
Ex Midge

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to
cook!"

383 Policy development
Ex Shell

                                     In the beginning was the plan,
                                      then came the assumptions,
                                and the assumptions were without form,
                           and the policy was completely without substance,
                           and the darkness fell upon the face of the Dealers,
                            and they spoke unto their Area Manager saying:
                                          “It is a crock of shit,
                                             and it stinketh.”

                And the Area Manager went unto his Regional Manager and sayeth:
                                      “It is a pail of dung,
                             and none may abide the odour thereof.”

   And the Regional Manager went unto the Branch Reseller Manager and sayeth unto him:
                             “It is a container of excrement,
                                    and it is very strong,
                            such that none here may abide it.”



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  And the Branch Reseller Manager went unto the National Reseller Manager and sayeth to
                                           him:
                               “It is a vessel of fertilizer,
                          and none here can abide its strength.”

   And the National Reseller Manager went unto the General Manager and sayeth unto him:
                          “It contains that which aids plant growth,
                                    and it is very strong.”

        And the General Manager went unto the Executive Director and sayeth unto him:
                                  “It promoteth growth,
                                  and it is very strong.”

    And the Executive Director went unto the Chief Executive Officer and sayeth unto him:
                   “This powerful new plan will actively promote growth,
                               and efficiency of the Company,
                             and help to reduce staff numbers.”

                       And the Chief Executive Officer looked upon the policy
                                     and saw that it was good.


384 The tourist’s prayer
Ex Art Buchwald

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient tourist servants who are doomed to
travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around
in drip-dry underwear. We beseech you, O Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our
luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.

Give us this day divine guidance in our selection of hotels. We pray that the phones work, and
that the operators speak our tongue, that there is no mail waiting from our children that would
force us to cancel the rest of our trip.

Lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants where the wine is included in the price of the meal.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Make the natives love
us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and if, perchance, we
skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for our flesh is weak.

Dear God, protect our wives from “bargains” they don't need or can‟t afford. Lead them not
into temptation for they know not what they do.

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to
us. Save them from making fools of themselves in nightclubs. Above all, please do not
forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.




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And when our voyage is over, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our
home movies and listen to our stories, so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain. This
we ask you in the name of Conrad Hilton, Thomas Cook and the American Express. Amen.

385 Test for dementia
Ex Liz

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's
important that we keep mentally alert. The saying “If you don't use it, you will lose it” also
applies to the brain, so...
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the
following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still “with it.”

OK, relax, clear your mind and...begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to
hurt yourself. If you said, “bread,” go to Question 2.

2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” please do not attempt the next question. Your
brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content
yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said
“water” then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink
house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green
house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” what the devil are you
still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass,” then go on to Question 4.

4. It's more than twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you
will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East
Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two of the engines fail. The pilot, realising that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the last
engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's
land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors, East
Germany or West Germany or in “no man's land”?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said anything else, you are a real dunce
and you must never try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be
appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/2 a degree every minute then how many degrees will
the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: Thirty degrees. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than "30 degrees," you
are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your
pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator: … You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in
Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine


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people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off
and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of
the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

386 Buying a computer

In today's world, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's famous sketch "Who's On First?" might have
turned out something like this....

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott:

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a
computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses
and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer
and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.


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Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK,
forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell
me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1".
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue "1".
Costello: Is that different from the blue “W”?
Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all
the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Costello: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?


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Abbott: Click on "START"..........

387 Ode of an asylum seeker
Ex Liz

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross border, poor and broke,
Take a bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send plenty cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
NHS, it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, British dummy.
Write to friends in mother land,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in rags on the back of trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, British guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is mucho good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby - it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep us illegals in comfort here.
We think UK is very good place!
Much too good for the British race.
If they not like us, they can go,
There's lots of room elsewhere you know ....

388 Bible stories (2)
Ex Liz



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1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the
    Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built
    an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot‟s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
    unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread
    without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount
    Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
    him.
12. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins,
    a race of people who lived in biblical times.

389 Pardon?
Ex Liz

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a
suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my
hearing aid."

390 Understanding engineers
Ex Viki

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the
engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical
Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an
Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

391 Cardiologist's Funeral
Ex Ross

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers,
stood behind the casket during the service.


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Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry; I was just thinking of my own funeral.

I'm a gynaecologist!"

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

392 New words for old
http://www.geocities.com/vickips/trivia2.html

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
    money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
    penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
    near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
    for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
    And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
    are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
    rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
    through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the
    morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

393 The smoke test
Ex http://www.geocities.com/vickips/trivia2.html



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A power engineer reveals the truth!

"A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day, and as I read it, realisation of a basic truth
came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't see it. John Divine, Chairman of the Planar
Repeater Club, an amateur radio group, has discovered what makes integrated circuits work.
He says that smoke is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out
of an IC, it stops working. He claims to have verified this by testing. I was flabbergasted! Of
course! Smoke makes all electrical stuff work. Remember the time that smoke escaped from
your Lucas voltage regulator? Didn't it promptly quit?"

Women have understood the leak principle for years. Every woman knows that eating broken
biscuits/cookies or the children's half-consumed hamburgers doesn't count because all the
calories have leaked out.

We appreciate the dangers signalled by holes in the ozone layer -- all the gravity will leak
away.

But it comes as no surprise that belated discovery of the leak principle should hit men
between eyes like a divine revelation. Last time the voltage regulator* in my car lost all its
smoke and the car declined to proceed, my husband asked me if I was sure it wasn't out of
petrol.

(* It was a Lucas).

394 Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up
to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your bloody
cat."

395 Ordering pizza in 2010
Ex melbpc.general

Do you think this is close to what could happen in 2010?

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone
number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Fido Insurance is 745-2302 and your mobile
phone number 266-2566 and email address is sheehan@home.net.
Which number are you calling from sir?


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Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds
to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't
allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last
week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your two dogs can
finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is
over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your cheque account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry
you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on
a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a motorbike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But
your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be #%#&$@$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction
for cussing a cop ... Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free sugar-
laden drinks to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza
Hut.



396 Your council rates at work
Ex Ross

A guy is sitting in his car watching two council workers working on a nature strip. One digs a
hole and the other one quickly fills it in.
The first guy then digs another hole and the second guy immediately fills it in.


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The chap sitting in his car watches them doing this at a feverish pitch for about two hours,
after which his curiosity got the better of him. He went over to them and said “I must
congratulate you two guys on how hard you are working, but tell me, what are you doing?”
One of the council workers replied “Well, there are usually 3 of us, but the guy that plants the
trees is away today”.

397 Who is your real friend?
Ex Halwyn

This really works!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment....

Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is happy to see you?

398 The Bottle of Wine: A story for Women
Ex Jude

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't
married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an
elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one,
she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little
detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the
old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my
husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

399 Dog tired
Ex Halwyn

An older, tired looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well fed
belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a
few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled
up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the
hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this
wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes
to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:


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“He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?”

400 Exercises for the elderly
Ex Ross

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and
shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The
article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold
them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.
Then 50-kg potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-kg potato sack
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.




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