Design Criteria For Shopping Malls INTRODUCTION The purpose of this document is to outline the process for maximizing the spread of the Homo empturiens culture, commonly known as the Human Shopping Virus (HSV), within a given subject area. It is intended for the establishment of new colonies primarily, and in Southern California specifically; however, the same principles apply for reviving existing dormant, dead, or dying colonies anywhere. The production of HSV is a fairly simple proposition – put two Homo emputuriens (humans, shopping) in an ideal setting (shopping mall) and just watch them go! However, maximizing the spread of HSV is quite a different matter. Design Criteria for Shopping Malls will show: • How to find a subject area conducive to HSV propagation • How to arrange shopping malls to facilitate HSV propagation • How to design shopping malls to attract Homo empturiens In order to create an environment conducive to HSV propagation, the goal is to make life around the shopping mall as smooth as possible. Happy shoppers shop more; they tend to buy homes nearby and reproduce quickly and more often. The entire context of the shopping mall array should be addressed, from the architecture to the landscape, from the vehicular infrastructure to the selection of the site itself. SITE SELECTION Planning an effective shopping mall array is often an arduous undertaking; building a support colony is a long and difficult task. A complete and fully operational array may take as long as thirty years to develop. The following tips will speed up the process: • Look for a large, broad, and flat valley with a favorable climate and a reliable supply of water and power. If level topography is unobtainable, mass-grade available land to achieve flatness. • Associate with a local real estate developer. Not only is it helpful to share the cost and labor of construction, but the political benefits, especially during entitlement and permitting phases, are not to be underestimated. • Create an armature of roads to promote easy access across the array. Build for the future, anticipating future needs – at every opportunity create as wide a street as possible: 40 feet for capillaries (local roads), 80 feet for veins (collector streets), 120 feet for arteries (land highways). Remember, carpuscles (automobiles) are the preferred carrier of HSV. Good, unobstructed carpuscle movement should be a priority as it allows for easy expansion of the shopping mall array within and beyond the subject area. ARCHITECTURAL GUIDELINES Shopping is propelled as much by changing taste as it is by human desire; the look of the shopping mall must therefore be mutable. To that end the shopping mall itself should be as transparent and neutral as possible. Architectural Character First of all here should be no architectural character. Instead an invisible style based loosely on local building traditions should be favored. For Southern California the realm of the human, shopping should be distinguished by a romantic nod to the Spanish Colonial heritage of the region but with an important difference: rather than conjuring up any hint of a specific history or culture, the shopping mall array must first and foremost attract the female Home empturiens and thus be built in the image of the male of the species: tall, dark, and handsome. Exterior Walls The walls should be made of stucco. The field can be rough, but it should be smooth near the openings. While colder regions may prefer a more bearded approach, placing stacked fieldstone at the entry points, this look has limited appeal for the female Homo empturiens in Southern California, perhaps due to the surfer culture predominant in the region. Roofs, Hardscape Just as the male Homo empturiens is expected to match his belt and his shoes to his hair, the paving of the HSV shopping mall should echo the color, tone, and texture of the roof tile, a blend of auburn, brown, and gray terra cotta. Colors The colors of buildings throughout the shopping mall array can be drawn literally from the skin of the human, shopping. The field should be a medium beige. The stucco adjacent to openings as well as at the base and cornice should be a darker beige, accentuating the building’s more refined details. Signage The signage for the shopping mall should be place on a monument sign scaled to passing carpuscle traffic. While materials and colors for the base of the sign take a cue from the shopping mall buildings, the sign itself should be made of individual letters painted a Brite Smile white using reflective paint from CalTrans. LANDSCAPE GUIDELINES In a properly designed shopping mall, the landscape treatment will be more important than the buildings. Plants give color and texture to any space regardless of theme; more significantly, they give life. It is therefore not coincidental that when selecting a plant palette for a given shopping mall, inspiration should be drawn from the image of the female Homo empturiens: young and beautiful. Plant Palettes All landscaping should be evergreen. Just as the Homo empturiens favors the forever-young sexual partner, so too should the shopping mall reflect an eternal spring. Therefore plant selection across the array should adhere to a very specific palette. The roads must be densely planted; the wider the road, the greater the setback and hence, the more thoroughly it is landscaped, as follows: 1. The Capillary requires a street tree and a ground cover, for example: Eucalyptus and turf with a curb-adjacent sidewalk. 2. The Vein requires a street tree, a shrub, and a ground cover, for example: Washingtonia robusta, Bougainvillea braziliensis, and Myoporum pacificum with a sidewalk behind a parkway. 3. The Artery requires a complete spectrum of landscaping, for example: Pinus canariensis as the street tree, Cinnamonum camphora as an accent, Ligustrum texanum as a shrub, and turf as a ground cover embracing a meandering walk. Landscaping for the shopping mall itself should be applied like make- up: Evergreen base with bright perennials at the openings and potted plants to accent the architecture – all to beautify the shopping experience. SUMMARY The dream is that the colonies will flourish and that in time they will transform the planet into a single vast shopping mall array. To do this it is critical that: A. The array pulses with the smooth and easy flow of carpuscles; B. The array is free of political, historical and cultural specificity; C. The array is created in the image of the shopper. Help us realize this dream. DEFINITIONS Carpuscle In common parlance, a carpuscle is an automobile. However for the Homo empturiens, it is much more: it is both a HSV delivery device and itself an object of desire for the human, shopping. It has been shown that where the shopping mall array is most developed a clear pattern of carpuscle selection has emerged. In descending order of preference, the following varieties are most common: 1. Mercedes 2. BMW 3. General Motors/Ford (SUVs only) While the sports sedan is more often chosen by the male Homo empturiens, the SUV is the carpuscle of choice for the female. The most popular colors for both types are, in descending order: a. Black b. White c. Silver (or Gray) Dark blue, dark green, and burgundy carpuscles are also found but more often in the less affluent areas of the array. Red, orange, and yellow carpuscles are rarely seen, but when they are, they are carriers for a related species, Homo flaccidus, always male, who chooses, again in descending order: a. Porsche b. Ferrari c. Hummer Cul-de-Sac The Cul-de-Sac, from the French meaning “ass of the bag” actually has a pivotal role in the sustenance of the HSV colony. As the termination of each capillary it is the final destination of carpuscle flow and, in concert with other Culs-de Sac, helps to describe the ultimate boundary of the HSV colony. Its function is to provide a space for Homo empturiens to nest safely and gain strength during the night for shopping the next day. The sense of security is crucial – when the shopper feels safe, the shopper shops more. To ensure this, a series of gates are implemented upon the capillary approaching each Cul-de-Sac that are triggered by signals from within the carpuscle responding with increasing specificity so that by the time the carpuscle reaches the home a single signal opens its door. It is in the Cul-de-Sac where the Homo empturiens leaves the carpuscle for the home, the place where products gathered daily across the shopping mall array are stored. CC&Rs Codes, Covenants and Restrictions (CC&Rs) are an effective method of guaranteeing the survival of the shopping mall array in perpetuity. When a Homo empturiens purchases a home within an HSV colony, he enters into a CC&R agreement and thereby accepts all aspects of the design criteria described herein and surrenders the right to any future opinion contrary to said criteria. Developer A necessary evil in the propagation of the Human Shopping Virus, the Developer is a financial opportunist who mines land for money. He believes deeply that because he is good at harvesting vast amounts of cash he is inherently smarter than you. Use this to your advantage. When he questions the value of these criteria remind him that you have a common goal: to maximize profit. He will respond to this. Masterplan Masterplan is a word that you will use throughout the development of the shopping mall array. It will come in handy during meetings with local government where it will be promoted as an antidote to sprawl, and it will be used in the board rooms of the developers to convince themselves that they have not been destroying nature’s bounty just to finance three alimonies, two vacation homes, and a time-share in Gstaad. Actually there is no Masterplan, just an ever-evolving plot to squeeze the maximum shopping potential out of a given subject area. Because of its effectiveness as a tool in creating the HSV colony, this single word is indispensable. In short, Masterplan will become your mantra. Value Engineering A military term from World War II, value engineering was initially a process of reducing cost of an aircraft until it had just enough substance to fly. Applied to the development of the shopping mall array, it describes an attitude in which every possible value inherent in a project is reduced to a single one: profit.
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