1. THE BUTT-UGLY MARTIANS “Who You Calling Tiny?” Written by JS Lennox POB 461767 Escondido, CA 92046 (760) 839-0321 June 20, 2001 2. FADE IN: EXT. IN SPACE - ORBITING EARTH WIDE SHOT ON EARTH as a SMALL SPACECRAFT comes into view. As it passes by, we see the words "ALIEN SCUM" hand-painted on the side of the craft. NEARBY IN SPACE CLOSE ON a SMALL SATELLITE. A red light suddenly starts flashing. A panel opens up and a LASER WEAPON bursts forth. The weapon starts to glow white hot then fires a pulse beam into the distance. OTS ON THE SPACECRAFT as the pulse beam roars into view and disintegrates it. QUICK CUT TO: CLOSE UP ON MULDOON'S FACE MULDOON WOO HOO! INT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS In front of his computer console showing a map of Earth, Muldoon pumps his fist and does a little jig. MULDOON (singing to "Candy Man") "WHO CAN TAKE AN ALIEN...DRIPPING WITH GOO... BLAST HIM WITH A LASER AND SEND'EM TO TIMBUKTU...STOAT MULDOON CAN...THE STOAT MULDOON MAN CAN..." (beat) Muldoon, this is an historic day in the fight to protect Mother Earth. ON CONSOLE as he pulls a CD from the panel. MULDOON (CONT'D) (looking at CD) Once testing is done, these secret codes will make the Muldoon Alien Intercepting Laser fully operational. MULDOON (CONT'D) It will send a message to any hostile organisms saying, "Hey, space scum! You're not all that! 3. Kick it in someone else's crib!" (beat) Until then, I'd better keep these in a safe place... He walks over to a picture of the U.S. President hanging on the wall. Muldoon hits a button and the picture slides up to reveal a wall safe behind. He inputs the combination, opens it and places the CD in the safe. MULDOON There...Safe and sound from prying alien eyes. He shuts the safe, flicks a switch and the picture slides back into place. He gazes at the president. CLOSE ON MULDOON'S FACE He's gone into daydream mode. MULDOON (talking to the picture) Thank you, Mr. President, the gala ball in my honor was wonderful... Might I say, the First Lady looked radiant -- Please no more medals, it's embarrassing -What's that you say? Stoat Muldoon's face is to be carved up on Mount Rushmore? (snapping out of it) Hmmm...Note to file: Get the nose hairs trimmed ASAP. INT. BOG STAR - THE BRIDGE Dr. Damage is pressing buttons on a console. Red lights flash on a VIEWING SCREEN above him. BOG saunters in wearing his royal pajamas. BOG (crabby)) This better be important, Damage! You know how I HATE being interrupted while I'm getting my royal sleep! It makes me very crabby! Bog climbs into his captain's chair. DAMAGE I'm terribly sorry, my liege, but this matter could not wait. I think you should take a look at this. ON MARTIAN VIEWING SCREEN 4. The logo for the stoatmuldoon.com website appears and then we see Muldoon. MULDOON Stoat Muldoon here with some exciting news about the war against hostile invading aliens. The first successful test of M.A.I.L. -- The Muldoon Alien Intercepting Laser has been completed. It's Earth's first and only space-based multi-megawatt laser designed to blast alien scum back to whatever disease infested planet they came from. So sleep well tonight earthlings because you've got M.A.I.L.! (beat) Now, a word from our sponsor... A picture of Quantum Burger flashes on the screen. Muldoon appears holding a Quantum Burger. MULDOON (CONT'D) Aliens my try to eat my brain but I'll be hog tied if they're going to sink their fangs into my flame-broiled Quantum Burger... Damage clicks off the viewing screen. DAMAGE As you can see, your majesty, this laser will be a formidable barrier for our invasion forces. BOG Well destroy it, of course! You woke me up for that? DAMAGE Sire, there may be a better way to deal with this situation... BOG Yes, I don't know what it means, but that flame broiling idea sounds deliciously evil... DAMAGE Actually, your majesty, I was thinking more towards employing secret agents to steal the codes to the laser. The empire could then gain access to this weapon and use it against its-- 5. BOG (interrupting) I've got it! The royal mind has decided to employ secret agents to steal the codes to the laser... CLOSE ON DAMAGE as he rolls his eyes. BOG The empire could then... (beat) Could then what... DAMAGE Gain access to this weapon and use it against its enemies-BOG --Yes, yes. That's my idea. DAMAGE (dryly) Brilliant, your highness... To be this close to genius is such a humbling experience. ON BOG BOG Of course it is. (beat; yawning) If there's nothing else, Damage, then I'm returning to my royal sleep. CLOSE ON DAMAGE DAMAGE There is the matter of employing these secret agents to carry out your glorious plan. Recent budget restraints imposed on the empire's terrorism and espionage department make it difficult to hire adequate-ON BOG FAST ASLEEP, his head snapped back, mouth wide open. BOG (snoring) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... DAMAGE TURNS TO THE CAMERA 6. DAMAGE Is it possible for me to hate him anymore than I already do? FADE OUT. END TRAILER ACT ONE FADE IN: 7. EXT. QUANTUM BURGER DRIVE THRU - DAY A car waits at the Quantum Burger drive thru window. RONALD, wearing a headset, sticks his head out of the window holding a bag. He hands it to the car's occupant. RONALD (to female customer) That's 3 Quantum Burgers and 1 large Curley Fries. Wow... you sure got a big appetite, lady. You may want to stop off at the gym on the way home. Heh Heh Heh...Know what I mean? DRIVER OF CAR (O.S.) JERK! The car drives off. RONALD (looking after car) Please come again! Ronald goes back inside the window. RONALD'S POV - THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU WINDOW B. BOP pulls up on his OMAB with ANGELA sitting behind him. ON RONALD as comes to the window with his view obscured by a large bag and several drinks. RONALD That's 20 Quantum Burgers 20 Curley Fries and 17 Google Shakes. Here are your burgers... ON B. BOP AND ANGELA as she takes the large bag. B. BOP Mucho gracias, senor. Viva la Quantum Burger! ON RONALD as he just catches a glimpse of them before B. BOP's OMAB roars off. RONALD (yelling after them) Huh? Hey, you forgot your drinks! RONALD'S POV as 2T suddenly pulls up with MIKE sitting behind him. 8. 2T (In British accent) I say, ol' chap, we'll handle the drinks...Here here and all that... Mike grabs the drinks from a startled Ronald. There OMAB roars off. MIKE TALLY HO! ON DRIVE THRU as Ronald leans out the window to watch them speed away. Suddenly, DOO WAH and CEDRIC rush by him also. DOO WAH (passing by) SAYONARA! RONALD Sure are an awful lot of foreigners in town today... (realizing; waving a bag) HEY! I still haven't given you your Curley Fries! RONALD'S POV as DOG zooms up to the window and hovers. A hand comes out of his back and takes the fries from Ronald and flies off. ON RONALD. He's stunned. RONALD Sure see the weirdest things when you work the drive thru... INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - DAY The kids and the Bums lay around the fast food-littered living room just having stuffed themselves with Quantum Burgers. ON THE BUMs as 2T gives out a heart belch. 2T My compliments to the chef. DOO WAH Yeah, I couldn't garzle another bite. A chorus of bodily emissions come from the BUMs. 9. B. BOP Aaahhh...Isn't that one of life's free pleasures? WIDE ON THE ROOM ANGELA (waving the air) No, I think there's a price to pay because of the noise and air pollution. CEDRIC You got that right. 2T gets up to look at something O.S. DOO WAH I just love those Google shakes. MIKE You drank 10 of them. DOO WAH Really? I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought... 2T'S POV looking out the window at a rickety soap box-like vehicle in the back yard. 2T Hey, Mike. What's that? ANGLE ON MIKE who glances at Cedric and Angela. MIKE (nonchalant) Oh, nothing. Just something I'm building with my Dad. 2T Looks like some sort of vehicle. MIKE Yeah...just a vehicle. Seen one you've seen'em all. B. Bop and Doo Wah go over to the window to look at Mike's vehicle. B.BOP What's it for? 10. ANGELA Might as well tell'em, Mike. CEDRIC You know keeping a secret from the Butt Uglies is not possible. EXT. MIKE'S BACKYARD - DAY The Bums and the kids are in the backyard. They stand around Mike's little race car. It's even less impressive close up. 2T Let me get this straight, Mike... You're entered in the Eco 500 this weekend and you didn't ask moi...your buddy 2T...chief science officer...for help in building your vehicle? DOO WAH What's up with that, Mike? MIKE Look guys, the rules for the Eco 500 say you have to build your race car from scratch using eco-fuel and only with parts found at a junk yard. 2T "Junk" being the operative word in this case... MIKE It says that absolutely no Martian technology can be used for your ecoracer. B. BOP Get outta here, really? MIKE Well...maybe not in those exact words, but I'm sure if they were aware of aliens it would be high on the "not allowed" list. 2T Give me one orbit and Ill make this baby run like Flaigle... CLOSE ON MIKE 11. MIKE Now forget it. Butt Ugly power will just get me in trouble. My Dad is very proud of Sonic Boom. ON THE BUMS B. BOP That what you call it? Sonic Boom? MIKE Yeah. My Dad came up with the name. 2T Catchy, but talk about false advertising...What's it run on? MIKE We made this special fuel out of food scraps, tree bark and something called Pinot Chardonnay. DOO WAH It sounds delicious! MIKE It might not be the prettiest Eco-racer but with parts from a lawn mower, golf cart and our special eco-fuel, it runs great. Just listen... WIDE ON YARD Mike hops into the driver's seat and starts Sonic Boom up. The little car makes a whizzing sound like an old vacuum cleaner. A big belch of smoke comes out from the back. MIKE (CONT'D) You'll be amazed at how fast this baby moves... PLUNK! (SFX) The engine dies with a hissing sound and the front tires fall off. Angela waves her hands in the air. ANGELA Geesh...It smells like Doo Wah after 17 Google shakes too. CEDRIC It's never going to be ready for the Eco 500, Mike. ON 2T as he walks over to Mike. 12. 2T Mike, let me fiddle with it for a little bit and I'll have it ready by race day. CEDRIC Maybe you should let the Butt Uglies help, Mike. Looks like you and your dad could use the help. ANGELA That's an understatement... MIKE (to 2T)) You promise no Martian technology will be used? 2T Yeah yeah, I promise. NO Martian technology will be used. MIKE OK, partner. They shake hands. ON CEDRIC AND ANGELA CEDRIC Why do I think this is a bad idea? INT. ALIEN CANTINA - NIGHT MUSIC (SFX) is blaring as the usual ALIEN riffraff are in the cantina. ANGLE ON THE ENTRANCE as Bog and Damage enter preceded by a couple of Bog's minions. BOG Just where are these secret agents you've hired to do my bidding, Damage? DAMAGE (looking around) This way, your majesty. FOLLOWING THE GROUP as they move through the bar. A twoheaded alien known as a BERF steps in front of them. CLOSE ON THE BERF 13. HEAD 1 Your royal highness, it is such an honor to speak with you... HEAD 2 An honor, a real honor... ON DAMAGE AND BOG. Damage is dismissive of them. DAMAGE Emperor Bog is here on official business. He has neither the time nor the interest to speak with anyone, especially with a Berf. You people always monopolize the conversation. ON THE BERF HEAD 1 We're looking for any work, you see... HEAD 2 Any work, any work at all... HEAD 1 We're really good at stealing, hijacking, smuggling, and...um-HEAD 2 --Forging, don't forget forging... HEAD 1 (surpirsed) We do forging? I didn't know that... HEAD 2 You didn't know? I did all the forging for that Klepton that needed passes for-WIDE ON CANTINA BOG (interrupting) ENOUGH! I don't care. Away with you! HEAD 1 But Emperor Bog, two heads are better than one. HEAD 2 That's true. Two heads are better than one, Emperor Bog... 14. BOG Then I'll have twice the pleasure of blasting you... Bog waves to a minion who knocks the Berf across the room with a blast from his staff. DAMAGE (devilishly) And besides, his royal highness already knows the benefits of being two-faced. Bog is not amused. BOG One more joke like that Damage and you will have NO HEADS! Now get on with it! DAMAGE Sorry, your liege. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANTINA Bog and Damage wade through a crowd of ALIENS. Bog's minions push them away until they come to TWO METAMORPHS- extremely cute, orange-skinned, elfin-like aliens with extremely short fuses. They're sitting at the end of the bar. DAMAGE (pointing to the Metamorphs) Here they are, your highness. Your new secret agents for Operation Laser Pilfer. BOG What!? These are my new secret agents? ANGLE ON METAMORPH #1 AND #2 METAMORPH #1 (in Munchkin voice) Hey, Emperor. Heard alot about you. METAMORPH #2 Come to the right guys, Emperor. Operation Laser Whatever is a drop dead cinch. CLOSE ON BOG He is obviously unimpressed with the diminutive stature of his new secret agents. BOG (incredulous) Do you take me for a Flaigle, Damage? 15. BOG (CONT'D) You expect the empire to employ Metamorphs as my secret agents? WIDE ON THE SCENE Damage tries to put a positive spin on the two. DAMAGE Yes, well, they came highly recommended. My sources in the upper galaxy said that-BOG (interrupting) I refuse to hire anyone from the upper galaxy! It's filled with pathetic untrustworthy, life forms -- Especially Metamorphs! METAMORPH #1 Hey, what is this, Damage? Why's he got to dis the upper galaxy like that? ON DAMAGE as turns his back to the Metamorphs and leans over to Bog. DAMAGE (quietly) Due to cutbacks in the royal budget, topflight secret agents are too expennsive. This is the best I could afford... BOG Nonsense! Dismiss these puny creatures... METAMORPH #2 PUNY!? Who you calling puny? ON DAMAGE growing noticeably anxious. DAMAGE (nervously to Metamorph) The emperor has such an engaging sense of humor... (under his breath; to Bog) Please, your highness, you do not want to insult a Metamorph's size. They are known for their short tempers... BOG Silence, Damage! I'll say whatever I want to these teeny tiny beings. I'm the Emperor! Away with them... 16. METAMORPH #1 TEENY TINY!? Bog's minions step forward with their staffs raised. The Metamorphs step away from the bar. METAMORPH #1 You wanna play slorkball, Bog!? Metamorphs know how to play slorkball... CLOSE ON METAMORPHS They each remove a small yellow vile from bracelets on their wrists and drink the liquid inside. This is their GROWTH ELIXIR. They begin to glow brightly. Suddenly they morph (SFX) into Mega-Metamorphs-12-foot tall, heavily muscled and mean-looking versions of their former selves. CLOSE ON DAMAGE DAMAGE I hate always being right... WIDE ON CANTINA The Metamorphs throw the minions across the cantina and pick up both Damage and Bog by the neck. METAMORPH #1 (to Bog) Who you calling pathetic now? BOG (in choked voice) Did I say pathetic? I meant dynamic. What dynamic creatures you are. Right, Damage? DAMAGE (in choked voice) I wholeheartedly agree, sire... EXT. OUTSIDE OF STARZ - DAY The BUMs, Dog, Cedric and Angela and Mike are outside of Starz on an empty city street with Mike sitting in his ecoracer. ANGELA Sonic Boom doesn't seem any different, 2T. 17. 2T I just made some very minor modifications and re-calibrations on it. I think you'll find it has a little more get-up-and-go. Mike looks over his gauges. MIKE There's some new buttons in here... 2T Just some things to make it little easier to operate. DOO WAH Take it for a spin, Mike see how it handles. B. BOP Yeah, Mike. I'll have Dog follow you and record your first test run in Sonic Boom. Dog gives a mechanical bark. (SFX) Mike turns on the motor. This time it purrs like a Ferrari. MIKE Wow! What a difference. You sure there's no Martian parts in this car? 2T No, Mike. No Martian parts. (sighing) What happened to the trust? MIKE What does this yellow button-Mike hits the button and the wheels spin wildly as the car races down the road. MIKE (CONT'D) (head blown back) --DOOOOOOOOOO..... 2T (yelling after Mike) That's what us mechanics like to call an accelerator! CEDRIC Sure seems much faster. 18. 2T Hey, you'd be amazed what a Martian can do with simple earth technology, food scraps, tree bark and Pinot Chardonnay. DOWN THE STREET WE FOLLOW as Mike's vehicle jets off through the streets at a high rate of speed. Dog follows behind. He struggles to keep control of the vehicle. MIKE This would be kinda cool if I wasn't scared out of my wits... FOLLOWING MIKE'S ECO RACER as it veers onto the sidewalk forcing a COUPLE OF KIDS to dive away into some bushes. MIKE (yelling; going by kids) SORRY ABOUT THAT GUYS! CLOSE ON KIDS who pop up from the bushes. A closer examination reveals that these are not kids but the Metamorphs with makeup covering their orange skin. Metamorph #2 angrily pulls out a tiny weapon. METAMORPH #2 (aiming at Mike's car) STUPID EARTHLING! SEE HOW THIS TASTES! He aims his weapon at the back of Mike's car as we: FADE OUT. END ACT ONE 19. ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS Metamorph #1 deflects Metamorph #2's arm just as the weapon fires (SFX) hitting the side of a mailbox and tipping it over. METAMORPH #1 Not now you idiot! We're secret agents, remember? You wanna blow our cover? They come out of the bushes revealing that they're dressed as two ten-year-old earthlings - baseball caps, baggy pants and basketball shoes. They continue walking. METAMORPH #2 These humans sure dress strange. METAMORPH #1 We're supposed to look like two normal earth kids. METAMORPH #2 That's funny--kids, me being 136 orbitsold and all...Anyway, that costume makes you look like a real Snoplet. METAMORPH #1 Just shutup and keep an eye out for our target. METAMORPH #2 How are we supposed to find this Muldoon creature anyway? These humans all look alike to me... METAMORPH #1 Maybe if you hadn't ERASED the directions from the computer in our landing pod like the idiot that you are, we wouldn't be in this situation. METAMORPH #2 Don't call me an idiot. I'm not an idiot... METAMORPH #1 Believe me, you are an idiot and-- 20. SCREECH! OTS ON METAMORPHS as Muldoon's Hovervan suddenly pulls up next to them. It's red lights are flashing on top. ANGLE ON MULDOON AND METAMORPHS He rolls the window down. MULDOON WARNING, BOYS! Stoat Muldoon, Professional Alien Hunter here and I'm tracking a couple of aliens in this quadrant. I suggest you vacate the area immediately. (beat) And make sure you report any unusual alien activity on my website: stoatmuldoon.com. He rolls the window up and moves on. CLOSE ON METAMORPHS as they look at each other. EXT. DOWN THE STREET - CONTINUOUS Ronald is walking home playing with his new laser-sighted paint ball gun. He fires at a stop sign and a lamp post. RONALD I'm a Professional Alien Hunter just like the great Stoat Muldoon! He fires a couple more shots at a sign- SPLAT!(SFX) RONALD Take that, foul Venusians!... -and spins around and hits a newspaper rack. SPLAT! (SFX) RONALD (CONT'D) ...And that goes for you Plutonians too! He walks by the mailbox blown up by the Metamorphs. RONALD (impressed) Whoah...Did I do that? Man, I'm good. POV FROM Ronald as he spies the Metamorphs on the other side of the street. CLOSE ON Ronald He's got a devilish idea. 21. RONALD Live targets, heh, heh. ON THE METAMORPHS As they continue walking a laser light tags the back of Metamorph #2. SPLAT! (SFX) A paint ball hits him in his back. He grimaces and looks angrily at Ronald. CLOSE ON RONALD RONALD (yelling) Good shot, huh? I got you little guys good, didn't I? ON THE METAMORPHS METAMORPH #2 (angrily) That human is space dust! METAMORPH #1 Just calm down and keep in character! We don't want to be spotted... SPLAT! Metamorph #1 gets hit in the head by another paint ball. RONALD Got you real good that time, huh pipsqueak!? Got you real good... CLOSE ON METAMORPH #1 METAMORPH #1 PIPSQUEAK!? The Metamorphs take out their Growth Elixir and have a drink. They begin to glow and morph to supersize again. ANGLE ON Ronald RONALD Huh? ON METAMORPHS METAMORPH #1 GET HIM! The Mega-Metamorphs lumber towards Ronald. 22. ON RONALD as he panics. RONALD OK, stay calm...What would Stoat Muldoon do in this situation...My guess is he'd RUN FOR HIS LIFE... (turning and fleeing) AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!! EXT. CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS From MIKE'S POV we see him valiantly try to control his Bumpowered eco-racer. He veers from one side of the road to the other. Dog ZOOMS THROUGH SHOT following him. MIKE First thing I should've asked 2T is where he put the BRAKE! DOWN THE STREET Ronald is running for his life with the Mega-Metamorphs in hot pursuit. RONALD SOMEONE HELP ME! INT. MULDOON'S HOVER VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS MULDOON Keep an eye out, Muldoon. It's an alien scum hot zone. I can practically smell their foul and fetid body odor--Why don't they shower? Why is there such a lack of alien hygene? OTS ON MULDOON as Ronald runs past him screaming. MULDOON The uncanny Muldoon instincts tell me there's trouble up-ON THE HOVERVAN--SLAM! The Mega-Metamorphs slam into the front of it. CLOSE ON MULDOON MULDOON (CONT'D) --ahead. The Mega-Metamorphs grab the Hovervan and turn it over slamming up and down into the ground like a jackhammer 23. ON MULDOON upside down and being drilled into the ground. MULDOON (being shaken;upside down) Sit tight Muldoon. You'll get your chance. Just don't lose your lunch. The upholstery in here was just cleaned. WITH RONALD as he flees around a corner -- up ahead, coming his way fast is MIKE'S VEHICLE. OTS ON MIKE as he heads towards Roger and the MegaMetamorphs. MIKE Holy Cow! Aliens are chasing Ronald! Gotta do something! ON RONALD as he runs out of steam. His legs are like rubber. RONALD (exhausted) PLEASE DON'T EAT MY BRAIN...I need it... alot... ON THE MEGA-METAMORPHS about to pounce--suddenly MIKE ROARS INTO FRAME and drives over each Metamorph's feet. They howl in pain and fall backwards behind some cars. MOVING WITH MIKE as he tries in vain to stop his vehicle. He manages to steer into a large pile of trash. He hops out and runs over to Ronald. CLOSE ON RONALD who lies flat on his back. RONALD (delirious) ...and will you be eating your Quantum Burger Value Meal in the car? MIKE You're OK, Ronald... RONALD Huh? What happened... ANGLE ON THE TRASH HEAP Suddenly Mike's vehicle comes roaring out of it with the now normal-sized Metamorphs driving. Mike tries chasing after them. MIKE HEY! That's my eco-racer! 24. The Metamorphs cackle in a high-pitched laugh as they drive away. EXT. EMPTY CITY STREET - DAY Mike is back with Cedric, Angela and the BUMs. They are looking at the video screen coming out of Dog's back. ON THE VIDEO SCREEN we can see Mike's vehicle as it runs over the Metamorph's feet. ON THE BUMs as they watch the viewing screen. B.BOP Who are those big guys? 2T Yeah, and what are they doing on Earth? DOO WAH Sure don't look very friendly. ON VIEWING SCREEN we see Mike's car come out of the trash heap with the Metamorphs driving. ON THE BUMS 2T Now who is that? MIKE And why did they have to go and steal Sonic Boom? DOO WAH Must be four of them...Two humongous life forms and two tiny ones. B. BOP (realizing) You know what?... I think there's only two... (beat) They're Metamorphs. 2T From the upper galaxy? What are Metamorphs doing way over here? CLOSE ON CEDRIC CEDRIC What's a Metamorph? 25. WIDE ON EVERYONE B. BOP They're little guys with major inferiority problems. DOO WAH I think you guys call it the Napoleon complex here. 2T Their planet was sick of having galaxy dirt kicked in its face so their scientists developed a synthetic growth elixir. B. BOP And when they drink it they become the 800-pound gorilla in the room for short periods of time. 2T With all the charm of a 800-pound gorilla too. MIKE What are they doing here? DOO WAH Maybe they came to steal Mike's eco racer. B. BOP Somehow I doubt that, Doo Wah. 2T If we can find Mike's Sonic Boom we can find the Metamorphs. I just happend to have installed a tracking beacon in it. EXT. DESERT - DAY Muldoon's Hover Van speeds through the desert. INT. MULDOON'S VAN - DRIVING MULDOON Those sneaky aliens think that by trying to smash Muldoon halfway to China they'll knock the earth's premiere alien hunter out of action--well they're wrong! 26. MULDOON (CONT'D) They may have rung the Stoat Muldoon bell, but a couple of aspirin and I'll be as right as rain! EXT. MULDOON'S HOVERVAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS As Muldoon's Hovervan passes OS we see the Metamorphs in Sonic Boom following him. EXT. MIKE'S ECO RACER - MOVING - CONTINUOUS Metamorph #2 is driving. The vehicle bounces all over the desert. METAMORPH #1 You're losing him again!...And stay on the road! METAMORPH #2 I'm not losing him and WHAT road!? METAMORPH #1 I knew I should have driven... METAMORPH #2 You always get to drive. METAMORPH #1 That's because you're such a bad driver... METAMORPH #2 Hey, it's not my fault these earth vehicles are designed so badly. METAMORPH #1 Just don't lose Muldoon... METAMORPH #2 Will you give me a break just once? I happen to-METAMORPH #1 LOOK OUT! The vehicle hits a rock and flips upside down into a ditch. Metamorph #2 looks at Metamorph #1. METAMORPH #2 (upside down) NOT ONE WORD! 27. Metamorph #1's wrist receiver begins BEEPING. (SFX) ON WRIST SCREEN the face of Damage appears. DAMAGE Dr. Damage here. The emperor would like an update on Operation Laser Pilfer. METAMORPH #1 (upside down) Everything's fine. No worries. DAMAGE Why is your image upside down... METAMORPH #1 (imitating bad connection) Getting(Static)...atmospheric disturbance (Static)...breaking up...(Static)...can't... DAMAGE But the transmission seems fine to-Metamorph #1 clicks his receiver off. METAMORPH #1 He annoys me. METAMORPH #2 You're kinda annoying yourself-METAMORPH #1 OH SHUTUP! EXT. DESERT - MOVING The kids are on their hoverboards and the Bum's in their OMABs and Dog following. ANGLE ON 2T as he looks at his gauntlet. 2T What the Plickum...From the looks of the tracking beacon, they're headed to Muldoon's place. ANGELA What could they possibly want with Muldoon? DOO WAH Think it's a social visit? 28. B. BOP Sure. I bet while growing up Muldoon used to spend his summers in the upper galaxy-Not! MIKE We've got to hurry, the Eco 500 is starting today and I've got no eco-racer! INT. MULDOON'S SILO - NIGHT Muldoon is in his control room looking at his monitors. Two blips show up on his RADARSCOPE. MULDOON Holy Cheese Wiz!! I'm picking up two aliens in the perimeter. They must've followed me back to the base. Get ready for battle, Muldoon! A door buzzer rings. (SFX) MULDOON (CONT'D) Ringing the door buzzer, huh? These aliens obviously don't know who they're dealing with. Stoat Muldoon's not going to fall for the ol' "aliens disguised as encyclopedia salesmen" trick. He presses a button on his control panel. A video screen comes on. ANGLE ON VIDEO SCREEN --We see the Metamorphs standing at his front door. MULDOON Who goes there? Friend or alien? METAMORPH #1 We're, ah...friends, Mr. Muldoon. A couple of...you know...earth kids. I'm Tom and this is, er...Sue. MULDOON Well I'm reading aliens, bucco. Why don't you name for me the first president of the United States... METAMORPH #1 Well, um...we haven't studied that in school yet... 29. MULDOON You haven't? What in the world has happened to our public education system? METAMORPH #1 But we have studied all about Stoat Muldoon, the famous alien hunter. MULDOON (surprised) You have? (serious) Well..ah hem, of course you have. Stoat Muldoon studies would be part of any serious curriculum. METAMORPH #1 We're doing a class report on M.A.I.L. METAMORPH #2 Yeah, and we'd love to discuss it with you. MULDOON A report on the Muldoon Alien Intercepting Laser, huh? Well Stoat Muldoon is always ready to support the educational studies of America's youth. He hits a button on the console. A LITTLE LATER ON MULDOON AND THE METAMORPHS as they stand in the control room. Muldoon is in the middle of his lecture. MULDOON ...so the atomic fluorine reacts with molecular hydrogen to produce excited hydrogen fluorine molecules. The resulting laser produces wavelengths in the range of 2.7 microns and 2.9 microns that will zap alien spacecraft like bugs on a barbecue. METAMORPH #2 (bluntly) That's all very informative but where do you keep the secret codes to the satellites? Metamorph #1 glares at Metamorph #2. 30. METAMORPH #1 Ah...what he means is, I bet you keep the secret codes to the satellites in a secure place, right? Muldoon walks over to the picture of the U.S. President. MULDOON Don't worry, boys. The codes are safe and secure behind our glorious president. (beat) Now how about some nice PB and J sandwiches and then I'll continue my discussion on Deuterium atoms... Suddenly Muldoon's ALIEN ALARM (SFX) goes off. Muldoon checks his control panel. MULDOON (CONT'D) Holy Gimolies! I'm picking up three aliens headed in this direction. My gut tells me it's not a false alarm this time... (beat) It's starting to heat up around here, boys. The field trip will have to be cut short. I've got some nice Stoat Muldoon refrigerator magnets for you and don't forget to-ZAP!(SFX) An IMMOBILE BEAM freezes Muldoon three feet of the ground. MULDOON (CONT'D) (stunned) --visit my website... ON THE METAMORPHS as Metamorph #1 fires the Immobile Beam from his weapon. METAMORPH #2 (to Metamorph #1) What the heck did you do that for? We haven't tricked him into giving us the combination to the safe yet. METAMORPH #1 We're out of time! Damage has obviously sent secret agents to replace us. Besides, I don't think I could take another lecture. ON MULDOON who is unable to move his limbs. 31. MULDOON Seem to be frozen here...Well, you may think you've tricked Stoat Muldoon with the ol' "aliens-disguised-as-earth-kids" bit, but I've got one question, alien scum. What makes you think I don't have you right where I want you? METAMORPH #1 How can you say that when we have you in our Immobile Beam? MULDOON That was my second question... METAMORPH #1 ENOUGH! No more Mr. Nice Alien! Give us those codes! MULDOON You're wasting your time, tiny. No amount of sick and perverted alien torture could make me give up the codes to M.A.I.L. METAMORPH #2 We'll see about that, human! Both Metamorphs grab their Growth Elixir. They glow and become Mega-Metamorphs. ON MULDOON MULDOON Sweet Aunt Emma! Gigantic aliens disguised as small aliens disguised as earth kids! How could you not spot it, Muldoon? ON THE MEGA-METAMORPHS as they stand menacingly close to the helpless Muldoon: FADE OUT. END ACT TWO 32. ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. MULDOON'S SILO - MOMENTS LATER ON A GIANT HALL IN THE WALL where the safe once was. The MegaMetamorphs are throwing the safe around trying to open it. MULDOON Drinking your vile alien go-go juice won't help you open that safe, aliens. It's made of titanium--absolutely impregnable from any assault. Why, a 10 megaton atomic bomb couldn't open it... Metamorph #1 jumps up and down on the safe and it pops open. He pulls the CD from it. MULDOON (CONT'D) Of course it would've helped if I had remembered to lock it... EXT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS The Bums on their OMABS are out front of Muldoon's silo. Cedric, Mike and Angela and Dog are closeby. WIDE UPSHOT ON BUMS as they circle the silo. B. BOP I wonder if they want to come out and play. 2T Think they know we're out here? QUICK CUT TO: EXT. SPACE - ORBITING EARTH M.A.I.L. fires a pulse beam towards Earth. EXT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS CAMERA SWINGS TOWARDS 2T when ZAP! (SFX) A pulse beam from M.A.I.L. blasts him off his OMAB. 2T LAYING ON THE GROUND rubs his butt. 2T I believe that answers my question... 33. INT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS OTS on the Mega-Metamorphs as they stand over Muldoon's control panel arguing. METAMORPH #1 Just let me handle it. I'm a better shot than you... METAMORPH #2 What better shot? You're as blind as a Borgsap. METAMORPH #1 Just watch this shot... METAMORPH #2 You couldn't hit the side of a Zorpod! METAMORPH #1 WATCH AND LEARN! EXT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS DOWNSHOT ON DOO WAH'S AND B.BOP'S OMABS as a pulse beam (SFX) strikes between them, the force of the blast throwing Dog for a loop. DOG (YELP!) B. BOP What the! That weapon is creaming us! DOO WAH Hold onto your grikkies, here comes another one! Another pulse beam strikes just behind Doo Wah making him do a somersault on his OMAB. ON MIKE as he spies his beat-up eco-racer out front. MIKE Hey! There's eco-racer! He walks over to it with Cedric. It's all dented up and all the wheels are flat. MIKE (shocked) What have they done to Sonic Boom? 34. CEDRIC I think your Dad may have to change the name to Sonic Bust. Mike stares at Cedric. ANGLE ON ANGELA as she runs over. ANGELA The Butt Uglies are getting blasted! We've got to help them! CEDRIC Got any ideas? ANGELA Let's get inside and shut down that laser blaster! MIKE And how do you suggest we do that? ANGELA Have you ever tried knocking? She goes to the front door presses the door buzzer button. INT. MULDOON'S SILO -CONTINUOUS ON THE MEGA-METAMORPHS in front of the console. The door buzzer rings (SFX) The Mega-Metamorphs look at each other. MULDOON I'll get that. It's probably my dry cleaning. Just let me down... METAMORPH #1 Silence! We aren't going to fall for your foolish earth tricks! METAMORPH #2 Yeah, whoever heard of dry cleaning? EXT. MULDOON'S SILO -CONTINUOUS ON B.BOP as he swerves from side to side on his OMAB avoiding several pulse beam blasts. (SFX) B.BOP I've got a way to get in guys. Follow me! 35. OVERHEAD SHOT as Doo Wah and 2T follow B. BOP over the giant hatch to the silo. Just as they cross, a pulse beam blast (SFX) hits the silo doors blowing a hole in them. ON 2T 2T Knock knock! Butt Uglies calling! INT. MULDOON'S SILO - CONTINUOUS The Metamorphs shrink back to pint-size. METAMORPH #2 Nice shooting! Now they're coming in. METAMORPH #1 We're going to have to fight our way out of here. ON THE BUMS as they enter the control room. B. BOP All right, Metamorphs. The party is over! ON MULDOON MULDOON More evil and grotesque invading aliens! ON BUMS 2T Ahh...no. Actually we are the good guys come to save your butt. ON MULDOON MULDOON Oh... Well no offense about the "evil invading grotesque" remarks. ON BUMS 2T None taken. ON THE METAMORPHS as they fire their small weapons (SFX) at the BUMs. METAMORPH #1 Destroy them! 36. ON THE BUMS as the laser weaponry bounces harmlessly off them. They are less than impressed. 2T (condescendingly) Ow, that stings. Now stop that, little fellas. Those weapons are going to leave a mark. B. BOP (under his breath to 2T) Did you have to say "little"? WIDE ON CONTROL ROOM The Metamorphs are frustrated and take out their Growth Elixir. They glow and grow supersize. Mega-Metamorph #1 grabs the safe and hurls it at the BUMs who dive out of the way. METAMORPH #1 I eat Martians for breakfast! 2T Really? I prefer something a little lighter in the morning myself... ON MULDOON MULDOON C'mon now. No fighting in here! This is a military instillation! There's alot of sensitive-ZAP! (SFX) WIDE ON CONTROL ROOM as B. Bop fires his wrist gauntlet at the Mega-Metamorphs but hits Muldoon's computer console instead. MULDOON Now I don't have spare parts for that... The Mega-Metamorphs lumber towards the Butt Uglies. ON THE BUMS B. BOP Clown-time is over, guys. We've got to put these two size shifting menaces out of action. 2T This situation calls for-- 37. BUMS B...K...M! TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE CLOSE ON BUMS BUMS LET'S GET UGLY! CAMERA FOLLOWS 2T AND B. BOP as they grab Mega-Metamorph #1 and spin him around and into the wall. ON DOO WAH as he charges Mega-Metamorph #2 and knocks him to the ground. ON MULDOON who is still frozen in the Immobile Beam. MULDOON Remember everything you're witnessing for the history books, Muldoon...Wish I had a photographic memory... Let's see...What did I have for lunch?...I just can't remember... ON THE BUMS as the Mega-Metamorphs try to grab them but the Bums are too fast. 2T You guys may be big but you sure are slow. B. BOP Look out, 2T! ON MEGA-METAMORPH #1 who has grabbed a large pipe and uses it to bat 2T into the wall. METAMORPH #1 BKM is useless against our Growth Elixir! Mega-Metamorph #2 grabs Doo Wah by the leg and throws him into the wall. ON THE MEGA-METAMORPHS as they grab a large missile nearby and lift it over their heads. METAMORPH #2 See if you can handle this, Martians! ON B. BOP AND 2T 38. B. BOP (to 2T) How much longer before their growth elixir wears off? 2T I'd say right about now... B. BOP (to Metamorphs) I'd put that down if I were you... The Metamorphs start to shrink down while still holding the missile. B. BOP See what I mean? The Metamorphs look at each other. METAMORPH #1 This is all your fault, you know. METAMORPH #2 Oh shutup... The missile falls down on top of them. DOO WAH Now that's gotta hurt. 2T I guess they've been knocked down to size, wouldn't you say? EXT. DESERT - DAY We can see the Metamorph's small landing pod with its landing ramp open. The Metamorphs stand with their hands cuffed next to the kids, B. Bop and Doo Wah. 2T comes down the landing ramp. 2T The controls are set on automatic. I'm sure Emperor Bog will be thrilled to see these two now that Operation Laser Pilfer has been thwarted. DOO WAH He handles defeat so well too... 39. 2T Poor Muldoon. Now he's got to rebuild M.A.I.L. B.Bop walks up to the Metamorphs. B. BOP It's been a blast guys. Let's do this again...like never? He leads them up the landing ramp. METAMORPH #1 Operation Laser Pilfer would've been successfully completed if I didn't have to deal with this idiot! METAMORPH #2 Give me a break! You were the one... METAMORPH #1 Who ERASED the directions? WHO? It was the idiot next to me. METAMORPH #2 If you call me an idiot one more time... METAMORPH #1 But you are. In the pantheon of idiots you have a large marble statue that's-They disappear up the ramp. 2T Two excellent reasons why I never vacation in the upper galaxy. ON MIKE and B. BOP B. BOP Don't you have a race to get to, Mike? MIKE What race? Sonic Boom is ruined and those Metamorphs used all my eco-fuel up. I'll never have time to make more. ON 2T as he walks over. 2T Don't worry. I took care of it for you. Now get going and win the Eco 500 for dear old Dad. 40. MIKE But there's no way that-2T (waving him off) Tsk tsk tsk. I fixed it for you--and without the use of Martian technology. Mike is ecstatic. MIKE Really? That's great! Thanks 2T! C'mon guys! As they head off on their hoverboards, B. Bop looks at 2T. B. BOP Really? No Martian technology? 2T holds up one of the Metamorph's Growth Elixir viles. 2T You know this stuff isn't Martian technology but I bet it would make a darn good replacement food scraps, tree bark and Pinot Chardonnay- whatever that is. EXT. THE ECO 500 RACE - DAY We see Mike sitting in Sonic Boom next to a couple of other small race cars. ON A CHECKERED FLAG AS IT COMES DOWN. Sonic Boom starts to glow as we: FADE OUT. END OF THE SHOW 41.