False Labor by Jim Lennox & Larry Ring J.Lennox/L.Ring (760) 807-0598 Registered WGAw 1 FADE IN: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT AMY is in labor, moaning and thrashing in a private delivery suite as husband VICTOR stands by. They are members of the upper crust, in their late thirties. Victor is positively bored as DOCTOR and NURSE attend to his wife. DOCTOR And another big push, please, Amy. NURSE You’re doing so good, Amy! DOCTOR You’re doing very good, Amy. Amy reaches out for Victor’s hand. He doesn’t notice. AMY Victor! He takes her hand with little enthusiasm. DOCTOR Okay, Amy, what do you say we have a baby? On the next contraction I want you to give me a big push and stay with it. Just one more big push and we should have him, okay? VICTOR (perking up) Him? Did you say him? AMY Oh, thank God! VICTOR Doctor, it’s a him? Victor looks to the ceiling and closes his eyes in prayer. Amy bears down with a horrendous wail. The doctor extracts a screaming child. DOCTOR Here we are--a beautiful girl! 2 Victor reacts like he’s been punched in the stomach. He tears free of his wife’s grasp. NURSE Daddy? Do you want to cut the cord? But Victor is walking coldly out of the room, leaving the confused nurse holding the baby. Amy bursts into tears. NURSE Daddy? INT. PRIVATE MEN’S CLUB - NIGHT A vast, high-ceilinged lounge. Distinguished ELDERLY GENTLEMEN are settled into leather-backed chairs swirling brandies, chewing stogies, reading the paper. Among them, JOE LUNA: broad shouldered, in his late sixties, close-cut silver hair and a powerful, intimidating presence. He conveys an Old World sense of wealth. Looking up from his paper he sees Victor approach. The defeated look on Victor’s face tells him all he needs to know. JOE A girl. VICTOR Really, what where the oddsJoe slaps his brandy snifter off the table--smash!--causing heads to turn. An ATTENDANT appears, cleans up the mess. ATTENDANT I’ll get you another right away, Mr. Luna. (to Victor) Will you be joining your father? Joe snaps his newspaper open in Victor’ face. Victor smiles thinly. He’s been dismissed. INT. DINING ROOM - LUNA MANOR - NIGHT Joe, somber and brooding, sits at one end of the long table. Seated at the other end are Victor, Amy, and their FIVE DAUGHTERS, ages 2 to 6. Only the gentle ching of silverware is heard. Underneath, there is great tension. Suddenly, from another room, we hear the new baby crying. Joe stops chewing. Amy fumbles nervously with her silverware. Victor goes rigid. Finally, the cries subside. Joe resumes chewing. 3 JOE (to Victor) I want to speak to Stanton. VICTOR (nearly choking) Stanton? EXT. SMALL HOUSE – NIGHT A party rages. Mostly COLLEGE STUDENTS. A very drunk STANTON LUNA, late twenties, is on the roof manning a beer bong with some BUDDIES. (A funnel attached to a long hose.) STANTON FIRE IN THE HOLE! Stanton grabs a beer, bites the cap off like a grenade, and dumps it into the funnel. STANTON HOLD YOUR GROUND, SOLDIER! A COLLEGE STUDENT in the front yard has his mouth around the hose. THE CROWD INCOMING! The beer arrives with such force that it blows him on his ass. Beer sprays everywhere. STANTON HE’S DOWN! CORPSMAN! THIS MAN NEEDS ATTENTION! STRETCHER! (beat) WHO’S NEXT! Stanton hands someone a beer as another student steps up to the hose. STANTON FIRE ON MY COMMAND! As the beer is dumped, he catches sight of a car pulling into the driveway. STANTON (to himself) Uh-oh. 4 LISA LUNA, late twenties, trim and sexy, emerges from her car in time to see the student blown off the hose by the force of the beer stream. She’s not amused. She steps past the revelers and disappears into the house. Stanton scrambles down the roof. INT. SMALL HOUSE – NIGHT PARTY MEMBERS mill in and out of the comfortably furnished home. A COUPLE is practically having sex on the couch. Lisa stands alone as a wobbly Stanton enters. STANTON Swore you were coming back on Thursday, honey. LISA It is Thursday. STANTON See? I knew it. LISA What’s going on? STANTON It’s...um, well...I’ll tell you...it’s... your welcome home party. (looking around) HEY, EVERYBODY. SHE’S HERE! LISA’S HOME! Some mumbles of acknowledgement from a few people. LISA Nice try. You’re drunk...again...and I’m late. Lisa shakes her head and disappears into the bedroom. LISA’S VOICE (to someone) Get out of my bed! I just washed those sheets! Dammit, Stanton! A HALF-NAKED COUPLE runs out of the room. Stanton warily enters. IN THE BEDROOM Lisa grabs a gown from the closetLISA All I ask for is a little help around here! 5 -and storms into the bathroom. Stanton stands by the shut door. STANTON Honey? Don’t use that toilet till I can get the beer bottle out of it. She opens the door, glared at him then slams it. LISA’S VOICE Getting really tired of this, Stanton. STANTON (to anyone) WHOEVER JAMMED THE BEER BOTTLE DOWN THE CAN IS OUT OF HERE! I MEAN IT! (beat) How did your audition in New York go? Lisa opens the door. She’s changed into a skimpy sequined gown. LISA I don’t know. They’re going to get back to me. STANTON You’re gonna get it, I bet... (beat) Got a gig at the club tonight? LISA Me? No, I’m dressed like this because I’m going to take out the trash. STANTON What say me and the guys head down there to see you...? LISA No you’re not. I don’t want you anywhere near the place. Lee doesn’t like you. STANTON Well, I don’t like him either, the cocksucker... (beat) Who’s Lee again? LISA Just clean this place up, will you? 6 He moves towards her, looking for some kiss and make-up. LISA I’m late... STANTON I really did miss you, you know... LISA Yeah, you look really lonely. She reluctantly accepts a kiss. It’s obvious she likes kissing him. LISA I’ve got to go... STANTON I’m waiting right by that door until you get back, baby. LISA Promise me you’ll clean up this— STANTON Tut, tut, tut. It’s done. Don’t worry your husband is here. Just go and knock’em dead. She leaves. Stanton takes a swig of beer. INT. LISA’S HOUSE - LATER Stanton’s still boozing it up pretty good. Place is still a mess. He’s in the kitchen dumping a handful of pasta into a pot of boiling water. His cell phone rings and goes into the living room to grab it. STANTON (on phone) What’s up? You get it down? On the Rams. 500 plus the points... Right...Get out! Really? So is Manning scratched or can he play? He settles into the couch. STANTON That is sweet... 7 INT. LISA’S HOUSE - LATER Stanton is passed out on the couch. Smoke is billowing from the kitchen. A window is smashed and a gas-masked FIREMAN enters, grabs Stanton, throws him over his shoulder. EXT. LISA’S HOUSE - LATER The usual tangle of fire trucks, cop cars, ONLOOKERS surround the charred and smoking ruin that was once Lisa’s house. Stanton is sprawled on the front lawn, dazed. LISA’S VOICE Oh my God! A FIRE CAPTAIN is leading Lisa toward the house. FIRE CAPTAIN The important thing is, no one was hurt. LISA MY HOUSE! Stanton rises, still a bit drunk. STANTON It’s okay, Lisa. No one was hurt. That’s the important thing. He meekly hugs her. LISA Oh my God, what happened? STANTON Faulty wiring, most likely. These old houses, a little spark, the insulation catches, poof. A FIREMAN approaches carrying the charred pot. FIREMAN Looks like a cooking mishap, near as I can tell, Cap’. A pasta of some sort left on the stove. I’d say a mostaccioli or penne rigate. Occupant was passed out drunk on the couch when we hauled him out. Everyone turns to face Stanton. Lisa pushes away from him. 8 STANTON Like he said, important thing is no one was hurt. That’s the important thing. LISA You lousy stinking bastard... STANTON OK, you’re in a bad place right now... LISA YOU SON OF A BITCH! STANTON I tried to save the place, Lisa. I risked my life! LISA You let my house BURN TO THE GROUND! STANTON Now you just HOLD IT! Just HOLD IT while I tell you what REALLY happened! LISA EVERYTHING I OWN WAS IN THERE! STANTON I tried to put OUT the fire. I fought to SAVE the place! LISA You burned down MY LIFE! STANTON Some guy comes out and waves some macaroni at you and it’s my fault? FIREMAN I’d say a mostaccioSTANTON WHATEVER! LISA You’re never going to change! 9 STANTON Really can’t talk to you when you get in a mood like this... LISA Oh, you mean the house incinerated by a drunk, good for nothing husband mood? Well, I’m gonna be in that mood for a while so why don’t you get the hell out of here! STANTON Oh yeah? Okay. You want to play that game? Alright, Fine, then. FINE AND DANDY! Stanton stalks off, climbs into his beat up old Porsche, fires it up. STANTON Nobody LEAVES me! I LEAVE them! He tears out of the driveway and--KASLAM!--rams into an arriving police car. INT. DRUNK TANK - DAY Stanton is passed out on a bench. An UGLY CELLMATE prods him. CELLMATE Get up. (prod, prod) Hey. STANTON (not fully awake) Don’t make me use my jujitsu. CELLMATE Somebody wants to see you. Stanton wakes, sits up and focuses on the figure standing on the other side of the bars. It’s his father. JOE Stanton. Stanton rises, moves to the other side of the cell. They stare at each other for a bit. JOE How little things have changed. Except of course, the length of your rap sheet. 10 STANTON And you’re here because? JOE I’m here to offer you something. Stanton goes to the sink and rinses his face. JOE I’ll only offer it once. STANTON I’ll only tell you to shove it once. Joe smiles. JOE Still stubborn. Just like your mother. STANTON (drying his face) I wouldn’t know, would I? JOE I’m willing to overlook our differences. Have no choice really. You are the only one who can do this for me. (beat) Bear me a grandson. Bear me an heir to the Luna name and you can come back to the family. Stanton puts the towel down and stares at his father. STANTON Bear you a grandson... JOE If your preference is to stay in here then I’ll leave... STANTON Yeah, well don’t worry about me cause my lawyers will have me out of here within the hour! JOE Have it your way. Joe turns and starts to walk away. 11 STANTON HOLD IT! Joe stops. STANTON That’s it, huh? That’s why you’re here? JOE It’s very simple. STANTON Simple? Simple for who? JOE I’m not here to argue with you. STANTON And Victor? Joe says nothing. STANTON How many daughters? JOE Six. STANTON (smiling) What a loser. (beat) Well there aint nothin’ wrong with granddaughters. This being the 21st century and all. Women can do anything a man can do. Of course carrying on a bloodline... Joe stares at him. STANTON You think just because I’ve hit a bad patch that I’ll just bend over for you? JOE You have until I finish putting my gloves on then I’m leaving. 12 STANTON How typical. How you. How about GO TO HELL! Joe takes out his gloves, puts them on, then turns and leaves. Stanton sinks his head and grips the bars. He looks at his cellmate. Before Joe passes out of sight-STANTON Hold it! Joe turns around, regards Stanton. EXT. LUNA MANOR – REAR GROUNDS - DAY Victor and Amy stand in a garden. The girls are playing on a nearby expanse of lawn, watched by NANNIES. VICTOR He was kicked out of Dartmouth. Thrown out of school after school. Wrecked every car in the garage, defied my father at every turn. (beat) Did you know he relieved himself in the Koi pond? Actually urinated in the Koi pond. Killed all the fish. You can’t imagine the smell. Amy shakes her head, tisks. She’s heard it all before. Many times. VICTOR That was the last straw and we haven’t spoken to him since. He was disgraced, disowned and disinherited. All with my wholehearted approval. AMY He’s your brother, Darling. VICTOR He’s a biological error. AMY Why did your father go and see him, do you think? VICTOR It’s obvious, of course. He’s given up on us. AMY Given up on us? Victor nods in the direction of their daughters. 13 AMY Oh! VICTOR Well I’m not going to take this lying down. I’ve put too much work into this family. AMY I’ve logged over one hundred hours of labor! VICTOR Shh! Joe appears, swirling a drink and puffing on a stogie. AMY Joe. VICTOR Yes, yes, good afternoon. AMY How is Stanton? Well I hope. VICTOR How is the little brother? Defiant as always? Probably involved in some porno ring or something. JOE Stanton and his wife are coming to stay with us. VICTOR (devastated) Oh! That’s so nice. (beat, desperately) Father, Amy and I have decided to try again. Amy was just saying how much she wants another baby. A male baby. AMY Victor! VICTOR We know what a grandson would mean to you. Joe just nods, walks away. 14 VICTOR (calling after him) The odds are really with us! AMY Why did you tell him that? Honestly... VICTOR (looking at his watch) Darling, we have time for 36 minutes of intercourse before dinner. INT. PIANO BAR - NIGHT LISA is on a small stage with an OLDER PIANO PLAYER performing an off-key version of “Say You, Say Me.” She can’t sing or dance a lick, but looks great in the gown. The song ends and she bows deep to receive tepid applause from all three PATRONS in the place. Lisa heads towards a sharply dressed guy--LEE—at the bar. Lee has an obvious crush on her. LEE Beautiful, babe, you killed them. LISA I’ve had it, Lee. He’s ruining my performances. LEE He says it’s difficult to play in your key. LISA My key is fine. His skills are the problem. I’m telling you, either you get a new piano player or I go. LEE Don’t ask me to fire my Dad, OK? You know I’d do anything for you but I can’t afford to get anybody else right now. LISA “Papa Don’t Preach” was horrible. Nobody clapped. We’re not in synch... LEE Lisa, you’re under a lot of stress. Your husband torched your house-- 15 LISA This has nothing to do with him. LEE You need stability in your life. Move in with me. I can make you happy. LISA Me and the three barmaids you’re screwing. LEE What three? It’s just Peggy and Karen. Anyway, I know how to treat a lady... STANTON’S VOICE That’s no lady, that’s my wife. They turn around to see a slightly inebriated Stanton. LEE Well if it isn’t Johnny Flame... STANTON (to Lisa) Lisa, I come on bended knee. LISA I don’t want to see you-STANTON Lisa, you can’t just keep avoiding me. I am after all your husband. He tries to take her arm but she pulls away from him. LISA Not for long you’re not-Lee steps between them. LEE Whoa, whoa, whoa, sport. Let’s not upset the talent between sets. STANTON This is my wife, so no need to concern yourself-- 16 LISA Stanton, you shouldn’t be here-Stanton tries to maneuver around Lee but has no success. LEE She wants you to say bye, bye. STANTON Don’t you have some beer glasses to rinse out? Lisa, just give me five minutes-Lee takes him by the arm. LEE Looks like you need some help to the door, sport-STANTON (to Lee) Let me explain something to you, sport-Stanton tries to land a roundhouse punch. It misses and he goes sprawling across a table. TWO HUGE BOUNCERS arrive as Stanton sinks to the floor. LEE (to the bouncers) Help him to his car. STANTON (being dragged away) Lisa, I need to tell you something. Something really important-EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Stanton waits in his car outside of a small apartment complex. Seeing Lisa, he races towards her. He humbly holds a single red rose out to her. STANTON Perdona me, Senorita. Please to accept. Lisa looks for a moment at the rose and then turns and walks away. Stanton follows. STANTON Un momento! Por favor! 17 INT. SUPERMARKET - LATER Lisa is moving a cart through a small supermarket ignoring Stanton. Stanton grabs a cereal box. STANTON Remember that time when we were so wasted and we spent all night with this cereal separating all the marshmallows into little-Lisa rips open the box and pours it over Stanton’s head. STANTON --color categories... LISA Let me get you some milk. EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT – LATER Lisa pushes a cart towards her car with Stanton right behind. She reaches her car and searches for her keys. STANTON You can’t stay mad at me forever. LISA I’m going to make one hell of an effort. STANTON I can never say I’m sorry enough times. But I can make things better for us. LISA There’s nothing you can do to make things better. Now, will you stop following me? (beat) Here, return the cart. Then go away. STANTON Lisa, c’mon. It was an accident. Don’t give up on us because of a little accident. LISA My house was simply the last straw. STANTON Won’t you please take a ride with me? 18 LISA A ride where? Why? For what reason? I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to talk to you. I have to go. She gets in the car. STANTON Wanna screw? He reaches into the car window to caress her hair. She meekly pulls away. It’s obvious he knows how to press her buttons. STANTON I wanna make love to you so bad... LISA (unconvincingly) Don’t try... STANTON I miss not touching you. Smelling you... LISA My ice cream is melting... Stanton softly sings the Tom Jones hit “With These Hands.” STANTON (singing) “With these hands, I will cling to you. I’m yours forever and a day. With these hands, I will bring to you a tender love as warm as May.” LISA (joining in) “With this heart, I will sing to you. Long after stars have lost there glow...” They both giggle. STANTON Take a ride with me. 19 EXT. LUNA MANOR - DAY A cobblestone drive winds around a magnificent fountain, which sits before a very large Tudor styled mansion. A majestic flight of steps leads to an imposing entrance. Stanton’s smashed Porsche pulls up front, stops. INT. STANTON’S PORSCHE - DAY Lisa turns to face Stanton, who kills the engine. LISA What’s this place? STANTON This is what I used to call home. LISA And we’re here because...? STANTON Because it’s our new home. Temporarily of course, until I build you a new one. (beat) I’ve worked things out with my family. Lisa is stunned. She stares out the window at the mansion. LISA When did this happen? STANTON He showed up and said, you know, “I miss you” (beat, off of Lisa’s incredulous stare) Who knew? I think what happened is that the old Spaniard is getting real old, see? Writing on the wall and all and he realizes how cruel and unfair he’s been to me. So he came to me and asked me to forgive him, and I said, “Okay, what the hell.” I gave him another chance. LISA I don’t believe it. What about what happened to your mother? You said-- 20 STANTON I don’t want to talk about that. Let’s just deal with the present... Lisa sits back. STANTON Say yes. LISA This does not make up for-STANTON Say yes. Say you want to live a life of wealth, opulence and self-indulgence. LISA --what you’ve done to our marriage, Stanton... STANTON Say “Y-e-e-e-s-s-s.” Put your mouth like this. It’s easy. Try it. “Yes, I want to live with butlers and maids and walk-in closets the size of bowling alleys.” Stanton plays with her jaw. She smiles. INT. LUNA MANOR - UPSTAIRS ROOM - DAY PAT, Joe’s trusty aide, mid-fifties, watches out the window as Stanton and Lisa emerge from the car. Slimly built, he has a gracefulness in the way he carries himself. He lights up with joy at seeing them, comes away from the window nearly prancing with delight. He leaves the room, humming, reaches the TOP OF THE STAIRS down to THE FOYER towards the front door. PAT (opening the door) Look who’s back. Stanton enters, followed by Lisa, who’s a bit wide—eyed. STANTON Ever expect to see me back here, Pat? PAT What, are you kidding? Of course. They hug. 21 STANTON Honey, this is Pat. Pat’s been taking care of the Luna family since before I was born. Practically raised me and my brother by himself. (to Pat) This is my wife, Lisa. PAT So nice to meet you, Lisa. Lisa nods, moves off in a daze. Stanton follows. IN THE DEN Lisa is examining a series of elegantly displayed family photographs when she comes across a grainy picture of Stanton’s mother. Stanton comes up behind her. LISA How old were you when she left? Stanton’s mood darkens. STANTON Kicked out. She was kicked out. (beat) I was just a baby, I guess. She looks at a picture of a baby. LISA Is this you? STANTON That’s my idiot brother, Victor. Lisa looks at another picture of his mother. LISA She had to give up her children... STANTON Never had a chance. She went up against a Luna. Victor, Amy and their six little girls (attended by three nannies) enter. 22 VICTOR My goodness, we’ve had a breach of security--hide the silver--Oh! It’s my brother Stanton--I’m just kidding of course! Come here, you! Victor approaches, grabs Stanton’s shoulders and stares into his eyes dramatically. And then he hugs him. VICTOR (mid hug) I pleaded with father for years to reconsider your banishment and total humiliation and it finally paid off. You’ve come back. Amy turns to Lisa, welling up with tears. AMY It’s wonderful, isn’t it? Hello, I’m Amy. Victor releases Stanton, who’s not buying it. STANTON This is Lisa. AMY Lisa! What a lovely name! VICTOR Stanton has certainly picked the loveliest lounge singer in the state. Ha ha. This is my wife Amy and our daughters Chastity, Chelsea...Felicia...uh... AMY Andrea, Janet and Jane. VICTOR Yes, yes. LISA (bending down to look at the children) Hello, there. Wow. You’ve got your own little Brownie troop, here. Victor winces, gestures to the nannies. As they usher the children away, the eldest, CHASTITY, approaches Lisa and stares, making Lisa uncomfortable. 23 CHASTITY You’re pretty! The nannies and the little girls exit. VICTOR Heavens, has it really been six years? We have so much to catch up on. AMY How long have you two been married? LISA Three years in October... Lisa stops. She’s staring OFF. Everyone turns to see JOE enter. Tension escalates. He walks up to Stanton and Lisa. STANTON This is Lisa, my wife. Lisa, this is my father. JOE (nods at her) Pat will take care of any special needs you might have while you are here. Your entire medical needs will of course be taken care of. LISA Umm, well, thanks. JOE If you’ll now excuse me, I have some work to attend to. Joe leaves. An awkward moment ensues. STANTON (to Lisa) He is such a health nut. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Joe, Stanton, Lisa, Victor and Amy are eating dinner. It’s a silent, tense affair, accompanied only by the polite ching of silverware. A SERVANT enters, serves soup. 24 AMY (to Lisa) So you two are trying. LISA Trying what? Amy smiles. Lisa is confused. The servant is pouring Stanton’s bowl. In a panic, seizes the bowlSTANTON AUUUURRRGH! THAT’S PIPING HOT! -and pours it onto Lisa shoulder. VICTOR Stanton, what on earthSTANTON IT SCALDED ME! VICTOR It’s cold soup. Stanton helps Lisa up and wipes her blouse. STANTON You know, I think you’re right. How stupid of me. I’m sorry, Honey... LISA Guess I better change... INT. BEDROOM –NIGHT Lisa comes out of the bathroom drying her hair. Pat is at the door in a discussion in Spanish with a visibly upset servant from dinner. He calms her down and shuts the door. LISA Something wrong? PAT Everything’s OK. She’s a little worried. Having a baby... LISA God, I don’t blame her. I can’t imagine. 25 Pat looks at Lisa for a moment realizes something. PAT Yes, it’s quite a responsibility. LISA I’ll bet. PAT Never thought of having one? LISA No...well, maybe someday, but right now my career is most important. I can’t imagine putting on all that weight. PAT Not to mention all the morning sickness. The vomiting is just relentless. LISA (laughing) You’ve seen it, huh? PAT Up close and personal. LISA I knew Stanton’s family was rich but I had no idea. It must be something to wake up to all this every day. PAT You’re about to find out. LISA I guess so. However long that is. (beat) If Stanton and I don’t kill each other first. PAT Sounds like one of those can’t live with and can’t live without relationships. LISA You’re familiar with those too, huh? 26 PAT Oh, yes. LISA Did you know Stanton’s mother? PAT Just for a brief time. Why do you ask? LISA It’s just so sad. It’s like a giant hole in his life. He made efforts to find her but came up with nothing. He blames his father, I’m sure you know. That’s why it’s so shocking that they’re talking again. PAT One thing I’ve learned over the years, Lisa is that people can change. INT. DEN - NIGHT Dimly lit. Stanton gazes at the picture of his mother. VICTOR’S VOICE The prodigal son returns. My, my, my. Victor steps from the shadows, drink in hand. VICTOR All this family love. It’s so touching I could just rip my spleen out. (glances at picture) My God, get over it. People who abandon their family are not worth remembering. STANTON She didn’t abandon us, asshole! VICTOR She didn’t want him and she certainly didn’t want us! STANTON That’s what he says and you believe it. 27 VICTOR Mothers go away! The sooner you deal with it the better. STANTON I’ll find her and I’ll get the truth... VICTOR And where exactly do you plan to find her? STANTON Probably in a missionary in an underdeveloped nation. She’s taken a vow of silence and renounced all earthly ties in order to be closer-VICTOR Hah! Another abandoned child’s delusional dream of a missing parent. My guess she’s an aging crack whore turning tricks for keys to the gas station restroom! Stanton suddenly rushes forward and violently grabs Victor by the front of the throat. STANTON Don’t ever say that again! You hear me? He drove her away and he’s going to pay. VICTOR (in a constricted voice) So the curtain opens. You’re back for revenge. STANTON I’m here to save the Luna bloodline. Something you apparently weren’t man enough to do. VICTOR (in constricted voice) The next one will be a boy! (pulling Stanton’s hand away from his throat) I will deliver the Heathcoat heir. Not you! (beat) Your wife seems very surprised by all this. Makes me wonder... Stanton glares at him sharply. 28 VICTOR It’s more than fairly transparent. What now? Sneak in and tamper with her birth control? STANTON You are still such an idiot. INT. STANTON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Stanton is quietly removing Lisa’s purse from the nightstand as she lies sleeping. He takes it into THE BATHROOM and searches it frantically for Lisa’s diaphragm. He grabs one of her earrings, using it to jab violently at the rubber membrane. It’s not working. He jams his finger into it, then bites it. He has to stifle a cry of pain after biting his finger. Finally, he finds a tiny scissors and pokes away. He returns to THE BEDROOM and flops onto the bed noisily, waking Lisa. LISA Huh? STANTON You still awake? Don’t blame you, sleeping in a strange bed and all. LISA Mmmmm... Stanton scoots closer, tries to kiss her. She resists. LISA I’m tired... and still mad at you. STANTON Of course you are. (baby voice) Big bad hubby. He’s such a meanie weanie... LISA I hate that baby talk... STANTON Meanie weenie hubby, he’s so mean... LISA (giggling) Enough, I said! 29 He moves in again, and she shoves him away. He comes right back at her and there is a brief wrestling match. Lisa gets her feet into it, kicks him off the bed. STANTON (rising) Daddy can play rough too, you know. LISA I don’t want to. STANTON Since when? (beat) You’ve forced me to go to the big guns. Stanton ducks into the closet. There are sounds of rummaging. STANTON (from within the closet) I have no choice. You’ll remember a trip we took to Spain where you nearly drained me of all bodily fluids. LISA Well, that’s different. You insisted on wearing that ridiculous-Stanton bursts from the closet wearing a pair of black stretch pants and a fluffy white blouse tied at the waist. LISA (eyes widening, softly) --Flamenco outfit. STANTON Senora? Stanton crosses to the radio, flicks it on, fiddles with the tuner, finally locating a Spanish station. Spanish music fills the room. He strikes a dramatic pose. STANTON Viva que tal! Lisa jumps, startled, then regains her composure. 30 LISA (without conviction) You look ridiculous. Stanton breaks into a limited repertoire of flamenco moves. STANTON Hola! Me casa es su casa! Yo tengo mucho hambre! Donde esta la bano! Feliz Navidad! Jose Feliciano! He flamencos toward the bed. Lisa is utterly still, mesmerized. For his final move he swoops to his knees and tears his shirt open to reveal his chest. STANTON Kiss my corazon! LISA Como se llama! She lunges for him and they tumble to the floor passionately. INT. JOE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Joe prepares for bed as Pat lays out his clothes. Pat emits a barely audible cough. Joe glares at him. JOE What’s on your mind? PAT Excuse me? JOE Cut the crap. I know that little cough. Spit it out. PAT It’s time they knew. (beat) About their mother. JOE You are not saying a word about that! Not now. This would be the worst time. PAT Stanton deserves the truth... 31 JOE This is NOT the time. I don’t want any interruptions while they’re here. PAT This whole situation is going to come to a-JOE This whole situation is under control. (beat) What the hell is that? Joe is hearing the faint sounds of...Spanish music. IN THE HALL Joe and Pat come out of the room and bump into Victor and Amy. JOE What the devil is that noise? VICTOR It’s coming from Stanton’s bedroom. They move down the hall and listen at the door. Gasps and moans can be heard above the music. VICTOR Disgusting! Victor grabs Amy and they head back down the hall. Joe turns to Pat, nods confidently, heads for his room. INT. BREAKFAST ROOM - DAY Joe reads the newspaper while Victor works on a grapefruits in silence. Stanton enters, smiling brightly, sits with a contented sigh. STANTON Fine day isn’t it? What’s for breakfast? HELP comes up to take his order. STANTON How about a Bloody Mary with some flapjacks on the side? 32 VICTOR You’re lucky the liver is not one of the reproductive organs. STANTON That’s pretty funny stuff. Are you this funny with your five daughters? JOE (not looking up from the paper) Six daughters. VICTOR All of them the apple of Father’s eye. STANTON I’m surprised Amy’s uterus hasn’t fallen out. VICTOR Do not refer to my wife’s uterus at the breakfast table! STANTON OK, how about her breadbox. VICTOR (to Joe) Father, I beg you to reconsider this whole arrangement... STANTON Do you have to go crying like a woman to him every time? VICTOR He cannot be trusted-JOE That’s enough from the both of you! You two are the most-Suddenly, Lisa rushes up, red-faced with fury. The three men are frozen as she whips out her diaphragm, grabs a water jug. Lisa pours water into it, then holds it up to let the water dribble through the many holes. STANTON Honey, this is the breakfast table-- 33 Lisa hurls the diaphragm, beaning Stanton in the head-STANTON Auurrggh! He tips back in his chair, crashes to the floor. Lisa storms out. VICTOR (to Stanton) The jig is up, big boy. Amy steps in, disconcerted. AMY Where’s Lisa going? Why is Stanton on the floor? VICTOR Because there has been a bit of chicanery going on in the Luna mansion. AMY Someone’s been palm reading? VICTOR What? No. Stanton has lied to his wife about the child. AMY (crushed) She doesn’t want a child? Joe shoves his grapefruit away and glares at Stanton. JOE I expect you to resolve this immediately. AMY (to Stanton) You’ve got to go after her! Stanton isn’t moving so she runs over and starts kicking at him. AMY Get your butt up off that floor. VICTOR I’m afraid it’s hopeless, Dar-- 34 Amy grabs a glass, shatters it on the edge of the table and thrusts the jagged shards at Stanton-VICTOR Jesus Christ! AMY Get up! Stanton jumps up quickly. AMY Go get her! Get her back. You go get her back here. I want her knocked up! VICTOR (to Stanton) It’s okay, it’s just a little post-partem depres-Amy thrusts the glass at Victor-AMY That’s right. That means I can kill and get away with it so shut your noodle before I fill it with glass! She thrusts with the glass and Stanton backs hastily out of the room. All at once she composes herself, sets the glass down and eyes the table. AMY Oooh! Scones! INT. TACKY PIANO BAR - DAY Stanton enters the nightclub and spots Lisa sitting at a booth with Lee. As he approaches Lee stands up. LEE She has nothing to say to you, Slim. STANTON Look, you don’t want another serving of what I dished out to you last time so-(to Lisa) He wants a grandson. What choice did I have? It’s the only reason he took me back! LISA And I’m what? An incubator? STANTON Whoa! 35 LEE That’s pretty fucked up, Slim. STANTON I was going to tell you-LISA When? The baptism? STANTON OK, I lied. It was a lie. But it was for a greater good—LISA You are so full of... STANTON I hoping you’d come around to the idea before we actually conceived-LISA Before I conceived! I! LEE Yeah, the man’s got the easy part. STANTON I didn’t have a choice. He wanted a decision... LEE You could have been up front about it. That’s all she expects. You can’t just make a unilateral decision like this. STANTON Women do this all the time to men. They always get pregnant and then they say— (beat) Why am I talking to you? LISA Cut the bullshit. This is about your, father, your mother and most of all, about the money. STANTON Don’t give me crap. Money is important to you, too. Things changed for us when the money ran out. 36 LISA You’re the one who changed. STANTON You certainly didn’t have a problem with me when I had money. I go broke and all of a sudden I hear “You’ve changed.” I didn’t change. I’m the same asshole you married. LISA Like father like son. STANTON His rules are Old World rules. You don’t get married for “love” or have babies out of “love.” You have boys to pull the vegetable cart and carry on the bloodline. LISA Well carry it on with some other broad. This one’s not interested. STANTON Bearing a child is not some horrible punishment-LISA Like I said... STANTON You don’t think I will? LEE Happy hunting, slim. STANTON (to Lee) Fuck off. (to Lisa) Just WATCH ME! Stanton turns and walks away. Lisa looks at Lee who shrugs. LEE How did you ever hook up with a guy like that? (beat) 37 Oh, after your set? I really need you to help behind the bar. It’s Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday Night and I’m shorthanded. LISA Terrific. INT. SLEAZY BAR – NIGHT Stanton is at a cramped bar, drunk off his seat talking to a group of WOMEN. STANTON So, that’s my problem. All I’ve got is several hundred million dollars to offer a fertile female capable of bearing a masculine child. Pop out a masculine boy and she wins the lotto. Who here is fertile? And preferably attractive. Who wants to screw for dollars? WOMEN (to another woman) Worst pickup line yet. EXT. SLEAZY BAR – LATER Stanton bursts out of the place and races off down the street as a two LARGE WOMEN chase after him. INT. LUNA MANOR – NIGHT Stanton is heading for his room, dejected. He passes the study, where Pat sits reading a book. PAT Stanton. Hello. STANTON Great I’ve got a drinking partner. Stanton searches the room for alcohol. PAT You appear to have had enough for both of us. (beat) Something wrong? STANTON Yeah. Mainly, I can’t find the liquor cabinet. 38 PAT Behind the desk. What’s wrong? STANTON Still got that radar, Pat. Victor and me could never hide anything from you. PAT Except for that hooker on your 16th birthday. STANTON You knew about that? (beat) Where did you say that desk was again? PAT You’re leaning against it. Stanton stumbles around the desk. STANTON You knew everything and he knew nothing. PAT Maybe you just didn’t give him enough of a chance. STANTON Really wasn’t interested. PAT Your not being interested might be the reason you were kicked out of this family. STANTAN I was kicked out because I stood up to him and he doesn’t need people who stand up to him. He kicked my Mom out and he kicked me out. Mommie and me. Me and Mommie... PAT It was a difficult time...Your mother had to make an awful-STANTON I know you’re gonna cover for him, Pat. That’s your job. It’s OK. But I know the truth... 39 PAT You need to know everything—Pat stops himself. STANTON All I know is my mother was kicked out on the streets. Now she’s somewhere in those third world countries helping out poor children. Homeless kids with cleft lips, or scabies. Children with no legs. Children with brains outside their skulls. There’s a name for that you know... Really messed up children and you know why? Cause she’s a saint. She’s a GODDAM SAINT helping legless children to walk... Stanton opens a cabinet and takes out a glass and some Scotch. PAT Stanton your mother loves you. That’s what you need to know. And she would tell you that you need your father and he needs you. No matter the reason. STANTON Victor’s the needy one in this family. I’m the rebel. Let’s drink to the saint. Putting the Scotch down, he knocks a glass figurine off a desk. SMASH! He staggers to pick the pieces up and lay them on the desk. STANTON You never saw this, right? (beat) Lisa’s gone. She’s gone too. PAT Gone? What do you mean? STANTON She left me. Up and gone. PAT I saw her not 15 minutes ago upstairs with your father. 40 STANTON Huh? INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT Stanton approaches the door to his father’s office. Joe and Lisa emerge, shake hands. JOE I admire a woman who can hold her own in a negotiation. LISA Good doing business with you, Joe. Lisa heads off down the hall as Stanton stares at her in disbelief. He turns back to Joe but Joe is already closing the door in his face. Stanton runs and catches up with Lisa. STANTON What was that about? LISA The Old World just met the New World Order. STANTON What? LISA You’re looking at Luna Records latest acquisition. STANTON Luna Records? What Luna Records? LISA The one we just formed. (beat) Now run along and get into your Flamenco outfit. We’ve got work to do, and the sooner we get to it the sooner I’ll be in the studio cutting my first album. She brushes past him into the bedroom. He stays rooted to the floor, stunned. She pokes her head out the door. LISA Let’s go! He starts, hustles into the room. 41 INT. VICTOR AND AMY’S ROOM - LUNA MANOR - NIGHT Victor is in bed and Amy readies herself for sleep. VICTOR Seven is traditionally a lucky number. That certainly bodes well for success. AMY Darling, if you’d like to wake up tomorrow morning with your penis intact then I suggest you drop the subject. VICTOR Alright, now that’s it! This sudden streak of violent impulses-AMY (rising suddenly) Shh! We hear the faint sound of Spanish music. IN THE HALLWAY Victor and Amy emerge from their room and head toward Stanton’s room, where, to Victor’ horror, gasps and moans emanate from within. AMY Thank you Jesus! Victor scowls, grabs Amy’s hand and pulls her back toward their room, nearly colliding with Joe, who’s looking rather pleased with himself. INT. JOE’S OFFICE - LUNA MANOR - DAY Joe is sitting in the dark watching silent video footage on a large viewscreen. He’s smoking a cigar and swirling a glass of scotch. ON THE SCREEN: A YOUNG WOMAN (STANTON’S MOTHER) and a YOUNG JOE are frolicking on a lakeside shoreline. Joe is laughing, goofing around playfully, making faces at a small child (YOUNG VICTOR). Pat enters. JOE (gesturing to the screen) We were quite a team, weren’t we? 42 PAT Why torture yourself, Joe? JOE Quite a team. PAT Dr. Cooper came by. JOE What’s that? Dr. Cooper? Here? In the house? PAT That’s what I said. Joe leaps up, flicks off the projector, tilts his glass, pouring the scotch out onto the carpet, tosses the glass away, stuffs the cigar between the cushions of the sofa and strikes a pose of nonchalance. DR. COOPER, vigorous and feisty, about the same age as Joe, enters. DR. COOPER What’s that smell, Joe? Have you been smoking? JOE And violate your strict orders to the contrary? Dr. Cooper regards Joe like a general reviewing a foot soldier. DR. COOPER It reeks of cigars in here. Dr. Cooper finds the scotch glass and smells it. DR. COOPER Drinking as well? Dr. Cooper turns to Pat, who nods almost imperceptibly. JOE (staring daggers at Pat) Concept of loyalty is just lost on you, isn’t it? DR. COOPER Joe, I’ve warned you-JOE If I want to enjoy a drop of scotch in my own house I’ll do so and to hell with you if you don’t like it! 43 Pat turns and softly exits the room into THE HALLWAY Where he crosses the foyer, face expressionless, and continues down the hall. Echoes of the argument in the study are heard. BACK IN JOE’S OFFICE Joe and Dr. Cooper are still going at it. JOE I’ll not alter my lifestyle! DR. COOPER That’s damn selfish of you! JOE And it’s damn presumptuous of you to come into my home and order me around! DR. COOPER Joe? JOE What? DR. COOPER Sofa’s on fire. Sure enough, the sofa is on fire. Joe and Dr. Cooper stand back and regard it thoughtfully. Finally, Pat enters with a fire extinguisher, calmly crosses to the sofa, extinguishes the blaze. PAT Arson seems to run in the family. INT. FERTILITY DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY Stanton and Lisa sit before a tacky FERTILITY DOCTOR. FERTILITY DOCTOR You doin’ it in the same position all the time or are ya mixin’ it up? STANTON Well, mostly I wear a flamenco outfit. 44 FERTILITY DOCTOR (jotting notes) Flamenco outfit? How long have you been trying? STANTON I’d say it’s almost a month now. FERTILITY DOCTOR That’s really not much time at all. In any case, we’ll check you both out. Let’s first get a sample from you, Stanton. STANTON Sample of what? INT. FERTILITY LAB - DAY Stanton is led to a small room by an old SPINSTER NURSE. SPINSTER NURSE Wash your hands before beginning and be very sure to rinse the soap off entirely. Soap kills sperm. You’ll find a bottle of sperm friendly lotion inside. (hands Stanton a cup) If you’d like any viewing material I have a full library of videotapes. STANTON What do you mean? Porno tapes? Nah, I don’t need that garbage. Stanton disappears into the room. BACK IN THE FERTILITY DOCTOR’S OFFICE The Fertility Doctor and Lisa as before. FERTILITY DOCTOR Lots of couples visit all the different positions when they’re coming down the stretch--missionary, Greco Roman, bucking bronco--but always end up in the same position when they cross the finish line. That’s a no-no. You’ve got to vary your finishing position. LISA I see. 45 FERTILITY DOCTOR Yeah. You might end with Crazy straws one time, and scissor lift the next. Stay away from the performing seal or any of its variants-LISA We’ll try. BACK IN THE FERTILITY LAB Stanton crosses to the nurse’s desk carrying an armload of videotapes. SPINSTER NURSE Anything appeal to you? STANTON The one with the damsels and stuff. SPINSTER NURSE “Lances a Lot.” STANTON Yeah. You got an overnight policy on these? NURSE Excuse me? INT. LIMOUSINE - MOVING – DAY Stanton and Lisa ride in silence. There is a look of shock on both of their faces. FELDERS, the chauffeur, drives. LISA I can’t believe it. Sterile. You’re sterile. STANTON Low sperm count. He said low sperm count. LISA When your sperm count is at the point where you can give them each a name, that’s sterile. STANTON Maybe there’s still a chance. We have to have hope. 46 LISA There’s no chance. None. You heard him. My album has no chance. EXT. PARK - DAY The limo stops at a light next to a park where children play. IN THE LIMO Stanton gazes longingly out the window. STANTON Never really thought about children much. All of sudden, I feel like I’m really missing out. You feel that way? LISA (not listening) I had the first three tracks all written. Two upbeat numbers, dance tunes, and then I slow it down, hit ‘em with a ballad. STANTON Fatherhood. I’ll never know the joy of fatherhood. (calling out the window) Hello, child. By what name are you called? KID’S VOICE Fuck off, faggot. STANTON Fuck you, you little piece of shit! Stanton grabs an airplane bottle of scotch and hurls it out the window--thunk! KID’S VOICE Auurgh! STANTON Got the little fucker right in the head. You see that shot? Lisa just stares at him. He settles back into his seat. 47 INT. DINING ROOM - LUNA MANOR - NIGHT Joe, Stanton and Lisa, Victor and Amy and their daughters dine in tension-filled silence. Stanton is drunk. Lisa stares into her wine glass. He gazes around the table strangely, drains his glass, grabs a butter knife and rises, slashing the air. STANTON Too much goddam tension in the air. JOE Sit down. You’re drunk. STANTON (pointing knife at Joe) It’s you. The tension comes from you. (to all) Feel it? AMY Stanton, honey, could you sit down, please? You’re frightening the children. (to Victor) Darling, he’s frightening the children. VICTOR Stanton, put the knife down or I shall call the police. STANTON (to Joe) Why can’t you be different? Why can’t you be like Andy Griffith? The way he treated Opie: Op’, get down from that tree afore ya go and hurt yourself. Okay, Pa. Tousle his hair. Stanton starts to whistle the theme song to “Mayberry RFD.” STANTON There’s always this tension, Victor! You know there is! Tell him! Pat enters to catch the following: STANTON That’s why Mom left. She couldn’t take living with an ogre. He takes all the fun out of being rich! Joe tosses down his napkin, rises. 48 STANTON Good! Leave! So the oxygen can return! Joe turns and starts to leave. STANTON Wait a minute! Before you go I want to tell you something. It’s about my boys. Stanton grabs his crotch. There are gasps— AMY Oh my God! Alright, children, dinner is over! Amy starts herding the children out of the room— VICTOR Stanton! Leave your boys alone! STANTON I hope what I’m going to say ruins you like it’s gonna ruin me. LISA (standing) I’m pregnant! AMY (ecstatic) Thank God! There is a moment of confusion, during which Stanton continues to clutch his boys. LISA I just found out. (to Stanton) Honey, release your boys and sit down. Stanton sits. Joe sits. Amy has tears of joy flowing. VICTOR And how do you know you’re pregnant? LISA Home pregnancy test. 49 VICTOR Those aren’t reliable. AMY He’s right. They’re very unreliable. You should try urinating in some drain cleaner. VICTOR Very likely a false alarm. We had several. AMY It tests for pregnancy. Only I always forget what color means what. JOE I’ll have Dr. Cooper come and verify the pregnancy. Lisa glances at Stanton then downs the wine from her glass. INT. HALLWAY – LATER Stanton is whispering to Lisa as she walks towards their room. STANTON Would you mind filling me in? LISA I’m stalling, what do you think? No one says I can’t cut an album and then tragically have a miscarriage. STANTON That’s terrible. You can’t have a miscarriage. LISA Of course I can. Why can’t I? A fake pregnancy becomes a fake miscarriage. STANTON Is this going to work? LISA I think I know a way to fool the doctor... As they head towards their room we see Pat peek out from around a corner. 50 INT. STANTON AND LISA’S BEDROOM - DAY Dr. Cooper removes a hypodermic needle from his bag and prepares to take Lisa’s blood. LISA Oh my God, I feel feint. Needles absolutely terrify me. DR. COOPER Don’t you worry. I’ve done this thousands of times and I’ve never had a complaint. He comes at her with the needle. She wrests it from him. LISA Look at the size of that thing! She flings it away. It impales in the wall. Dr. Cooper stares at it, then shrugs. DR. COOPER I suppose I could just collect some urine. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Lisa enters. Stanton steps out of the shower and she hands him the specimen cup. He opens a window and climbs out ON THE LEDGE and climbs to the next window. IN THE HALLWAY Stanton emerges from a room and races down the hall. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Two male COOKS are making bread, assisted by the Pregnant Servant. Stanton bursts in. STANTON Alright! Nobody moves! COOK #1 Is there a problem? 51 STANTON Oh, I don’t know. I guess you could say we have a problem. A drug problem! COOK #1 A drug problem? STANTON That’s right. We found some drugs in the house. Leading us to believe that drugs are being used. Here in the house. COOK #1 What kind of drugs? COOK #2 Illegal drugs? STANTON Of course illegal drugs! Stanton steps over to the table where the two cooks are working, runs his finger through the flower, sifts it a little, raises it to his nose, smells it. STANTON (a smudge of flower on his nose) I’m gonna need some urine. From every member of the staff. The samples will be tested and then we should have a pretty clear idea of who’s clean, and who’s using. (turns to the pregnant servant) Who’ll go first? COOK #1 I’ll go first. Matter of fact I kind of have to go. STANTON I’ll decide who goes first. COOK #1 But you just asked who wants to go first. STANTON Are you running this investigation? COOK #1 No. 52 STANTON (to the pregnant servant) We’ll start with you. BACK IN THE BATHROOM Lisa paces nervously. IN STANTON’S BEDROOM Dr. Cooper waits. BACK IN THE KITCHEN Stanton is waiting with cooks #1 and #2. COOK #1 (wincing) I really have to go. STANTON For God’s sake control yourself. COOK #1 I’m very sorry. You’ve caught me with a full bladder. STANTON Alright, here. Stanton grabs an empty coffee can off a shelf and hands it to Cook #1. COOK #1 In here? STANTON Can not good enough for you? COOK #1 What about the plastic cups? STANTON Sure seems like you’re stalling. I’m gonna keep my eye on you. COOK #1 No, sir. He takes the can. 53 BACK IN THE BEDROOM Lisa pokes her head into the room. LISA I’m having a little bit of trouble. DR. COOPER Try running the water. BACK IN THE KITCHEN Stanton has his ear pressed to the door. STANTON Try running the water. Cook #1 returns, carrying the can. He hands it to Stanton, who is surprised at its weight. STANTON Jesus! COOK #1 Sorry. Once I started I couldn’t stop. COOK #2 Excuse me. STANTON What? COOK #2 I have to go as well. Stanton glares at him, then grabs a large, decorative mug off a shelf and hands it to him. IN THE BEDROOM Dr. Cooper checks his watch. IN THE BATHROOM Both taps are running as Lisa paces nervously. BACK IN THE KITCHEN 54 The pregnant servant emerges from the bathroom and hands Stanton the specimen cup. Stanton turns to leave— COOK #1 What about these? Cook #1 and Cook #2 hold out the can and mug. STANTON Tell the other workers I’ll be back for them. No free rides here. Stanton grabs them and exits. DOWNSTAIRS Stanton races along fast as he can with the can, mug and specimen cup. Suddenly, he spots Joe and Victor coming his way and he ducks down an adjacent passage and into THE ATRIUM which features a Koi Pond in which dozens of brightly colored fish can be seen darting about. Suddenly, Joe and Victor are at the entrance. Stanton hastily empties the contents of the can and mug into the pond, tosses them into a flowerbed and stuffs the specimen cup into his pocket. Victor and Joe approach. STANTON Just enjoying the fish... VICTOR Let’s hope that’s all you’re doing, right Father? STANTON You’re a real dick, you know that? VICTOR At least the koi have never seen my dick. JOE Alright! Enough you two-VICTOR Father, I’m not the one who— (beat) What is it? 55 Victor’ attention has been drawn to something beyond Stanton. Stanton turns around to find a BUSBOY holding a jar filled with urine. BUSBOY (to Stanton) Guys in the kitchen said you needed this. Stanton freezes. Victor, Joe and the busboy wait expectantly. Finally: STANTON Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for that. Stanton grabs the jar from the busboy. And then he’s not quite sure how to proceed. STANTON Victor, I don’t have time to go round and round with you right now... During the round and round part he gestures with the jar and sloshing urine onto Victor’ shoe. VICTOR You idiot! My shoes! As Victor leans down to thumb piss off his shoe, Stanton seizes the opportunity to slip out of the room. He heads out onto the REAR GROUNDS where he dumps out jar, tosses it away and then sprints off. BACK ON THE LEDGE Stanton crawls back to the bathroom window. ON THE GROUNDS BELOW Pat is gazing up at the ledge as Lisa opens the window and Stanton hands her the specimen cup. BACK IN STANTON’S BEDROOM Dr. Cooper has nodded off. He wakes as Lisa emerges from the bathroom with the specimen cup. LISA Here we are! 56 EXT. PATIO - NIGHT Victor and Amy, swirling martinis. VICTOR You don’t just have sex and then get pregnant. AMY Actually, darling, that’s exactly how it works. VICTOR It can take months--years, even--to conceive. There are hundreds of biological factors to take into account, all of which must come together in a precise biochemical sequence. Pat appears. PAT Dr. Cooper has called to confirm Lisa’s pregnancy. VICTOR Mother grabbing son of a bitch! AMY Victor! Pat, that’s wonderful. Pat exits. VICTOR The little prick waltzes in and has the grandson and now he’s Daddy’s favorite while I’m known as the man with no X-chromosomes! AMY Victor, there’s no guarantee they’ll have a boy. VICTOR Of course he’s going to have a boy! He’ll probably have male triplets! We’ll never catch up! AMY Are you coming for champagne? VICTOR I’d sooner pound sand up my ass. Amy rolls her eyes, heads for the house. 57 INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT Pat is opening a bottle of champagne for Stanton and Lisa as Amy breezes merrily into the room. AMY Here you are! And you have that glow, that unmistakable glow! I knew it all along, of course. She hugs Lisa. AMY (whispering to Lisa) Already gained a little weight in the face, I see. (beat) Now, have you settled on a doctor? STANTON That will have to be our first order of business when we arrive in New York. AMY New York? STANTON Lisa is recording an album. We fly to New York in the morning. AMY Really? Well that is exciting! STANTON If all goes well we’ll be finished recording before the baby comes. AMY Oh! And I did so want to help you along with your pregnancy. You know, I’m certified in Lamaze instruction. Pat hands out the champagne. Amy raises her glass— AMY Here’s— INT. PRIVATE MEN’S CLUB – NIGHT 58 Joe is surrounded by a gaggle of ELDERLY GENTLEMEN in the lounge, their glasses are raised. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #1 --to Grandsons! An outburst of British-style here here!’s. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #2 And he did it the old fashion way—with bribery and extortion! More here here!’s. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #3 Sounds a bit shabby to me. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #1 Oh, listen to you! You’ve got grandsons falling out of the trees! A rumble of agreement. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #3 A man’s children should obey him out of love and respect, not bribery. Howls of indignation and catcalls: Listen to you! What rubbish!, etc. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN #2 If you weren’t holding the purse strings your children wouldn’t give you the time of day! Shouts of agreement. Joe steps forward. JOE I worked hard all my life and never asked why. I looked up one day to discover I had built a dynasty. A rumble of approval. JOE And now I’m asking why. 59 (beat) I don’t know why, exactly. But I do know this. I didn’t work to build the things I built just to see it all fall into ruin. The Luna dynasty, the Luna name, will endure, will continue long after I’m gone. And I’ll use bribery and extortion and whatever else I like to make damn sure of it! A roar of approval— INT. LUNA – NIGHT Stanton is walking down the hall carrying a glass and an empty bottle of champagne. Pat appears in conversation with a MAID. MAID All dead, sir. And the pond has the most horrible odor. PAT (looking at Stanton) Call the caretaker and have the pond drained. MAID Yes, sir. She leaves. Pat looks at Stanton. PAT I want to commend you for your fine anti-drug efforts among the workers. STANTON You heard about that? It’s nothing, really. Just doing my part. Just say, no, right? PAT It seems like you’ve really got a grip on things. STANTON Becoming a husband and now a father and all, you know, I’ve just become a much more responsible person. The party days are over. 60 MONTAGE (Over which plays an awful Lisa original disco tune): A white limousine heads toward the New York skyline; Stanton and Lisa arrive at an exclusive New York hotel; they’re served champagne and caviar in their room; Lisa strolls through an exclusive dress store pointing out gowns; Stanton is at the Ferrari dealer picking out a car; they’re at record industry party with Lisa in an amazing designer gown... INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY The disco tune from the montage continues. Lisa is laying down the vocal. IN THE SOUND BOOTH Two SOUND ENGINEERS work the board. SOUND ENGINEER #1 Maybe you better raise three and four. SOUND ENGINEER #2 If I raise it anymore it will drown out her voice. SOUND ENGINEER #1 Like I said... They both snicker. SOUND ENGINEER #2 She sings like she’s throwing up. SOUND ENGINEER #1 I mean, she’s—she’s— The song ends and Sound Engineer #2 slaps the intercom. SOUND ENGINEER #1 AND #2 Fantastic! Oh, baby, you are everything! Dynamite, honey! LISA Let’s do another one. That one wasn’t right for me. SOUND ENGINEER #1 You sure? LISA Yes, I’m sure. 61 EXT. STABLES – DAY Stanton leans against his Ferrari as a STABLEHAND brings out a RACEHORSE. A handful of ONLOOKERS have gathered. STABLEHAND This is a fine thoroughbred, Mr. Luna. STANTON Yes...indeed... Stanton steps forward to regard the horse. STANTON One recognizes it almost immediately. The sleek lines, the glint in the eye...this animal is superior. Stanton slips on a road apple, has to lunge for the horse to keep from falling. The stablehand has to grab Stanton. The horse bolts. Stanton recovers his balance, squints after the horse critically. STANTON And filled with fire. Yes I can build my stable around him...auurrrggh! The horse appears suddenly, charging straight at him. He has to dive out of the way to avoid being trampled. STANTON Of course I’ll need to review his papers. His cell phone rings. He answers it. STANTON (on phone) Hello? Father! What a pleasant surprise. INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY Stanton and Lisa sit before a lavish spread of food and drink. Lisa is concerned. LISA What did you say then? STANTON I had to say something so told him we just found out it’s going to be a boy. (beat) 62 We’re at the right point in the pregnancy to decide that, right? Lisa shrugs. STANTON I shouldn’t have said it. We are getting deeper and deeper into this. LISA You said it and what’s done is done. STANTON Maybe another week and then we can say something. LISA I’ve still got a lot of studio work left. (beat) You sure he bought it? STANTON To make sure, I sent him something I got from one of the vets at the stable. INT. PARLOR – NIGHT Joe and Amy stroll around. Joe is examining a photograph with great interest. Pat sits in a chair. JOE He has the physique of a Luna! A man’s man! I can even see the strong chin! Victor arrives. AMY Victor, come see the sonogram Stanton sent. Show him, Father. Amy takes the photo from Joe and hands it to Victor. AMY Here’s Stanton’s little boy! Victor is puzzled as he turns the photo every which way. 63 VICTOR I can’t make out anything. JOE Are you blind, man? That’s a boy. VICTOR Where? JOE It’s obvious. Just look. VICTOR This looks like a hoof... AMY Oh, Victor! VICTOR And this appears to be-JOE Give me that! He swipes it from Victor. JOE Have you no decency? This is not a time for jealousy. This is a time to celebrate the Luna family. Do you understand? VICTOR I understand that I’m getting the short end of the stick! That’s what I understand! And I won’t stand for it! JOE Do not raise your voice to me! VICTOR Father, I have always looked out for your best interests, but this time you go to far! (beat) My God, this woman has been through labor five times— 64 AMY Six times. VICTOR --six times in an attempt to provide you with a grandson. JOE Are you through? VICTOR I haven’t even begun! Joe has turned ashen white. JOE (weakly) Well, before you do, call Dr. Cooper. VICTOR I’m through doing your bidding. You hear me? Through! Joe tries to say something then slumps to the floor. AMY Oh my God! Victor! VICTOR Daddy? INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT The suite is crammed with GUESTS engaged in full revelry. A BAND plays in the corner and Lisa dances nearby. Stanton is carousing. A DRUNKEN GUEST comes up to him. DRUNKEN GUEST There’s some uptight guy to see you. STANTON Are they still pissing off the balcony? DRUNKEN GUEST He says he’s your brother. STANTON Oh. 65 (beat) SHIT! Stanton weaves his way to the front door where Victor stands. VICTOR I must speak with you and Lisa immediately. STANTON Oh, well, she’s not here. Lisa has joined the band and she begins belting out a rendition of “Funkytown.” Victor can see her, although she’s partially obscured by guests. VICTOR What do you mean? She’s right there. STANTON Yeah, she’s over there. Not right here. Let’s get you a drink. Stanton grabs a tray of martinis from a passing WAITER and spills them all over Victor. VICTOR For heaven’s sake! STANTON (to waiter) Show my brother to the bathroom. Stanton crosses the room, where Lisa is undulating in a very un-rhythmic fashion wearing a skintight outfit. He pulls her away from the mike. STANTON Victor is here! LISA Shit! Stanton looks around wildly, grabs a balloon. ACROSS THE ROOM Victor emerges from the bathroom blotting his suit with a towel. He starts to make his way through the crowd. 66 BACK TO STANTON AND LISA Stanton is stuffing a balloon up Lisa’s gown-STANTON This is idiotic! We are going to have to tell him we lost the baby! LISA No! And what’s this, the wake? Victor arrives. Stanton pushes Lisa into a chair. VICTOR Here you are. Stanton spins around, trying to stay in front of Lisa. VICTOR Lisa. LISA Sorry if I don’t get up. Pregnancy and all. VICTOR Can we go somewhere a little quieter? I have something to tell you. Stanton gestures toward the hall and Victor leads the way. As they make their way through the crowd the balloon gets jostled until it’s behind her. She and Stanton struggle to adjust it. It pops. Victor turns around but Lisa takes a ninety degree turn and opens the closet door to hide her belly, or lack thereof-LISA I’ll be right with you. I’m going to grab a jacket. I’m a bit cold. IN THE HOTEL BEDROOM STANTON How sick? VICTOR It’s his heart, apparently. He’s known for some time. Lisa enters wearing a long coat. 67 VICTOR It’s serious, from what Doctor Cooper tells me. He feels that you two...well, Dr. Cooper believes it might provide him with an added incentive to keep going. LISA If we go see him. Victor leaves. INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT Stanton and Lisa are dressed and on their way to the lobby. Lisa’s midsection bulges fairly convincingly. Next to them is a bellhop with a cart full of their luggage. STANTON What do you have in there, anyway? LISA I stuffed one of your sports coat into a nylon stocking. STANTON Not the Bernini. LISA Uh huh. STANTON That’s silk. You can’t wad up silk like that! LISA It’s all I could find. STANTON God, the Bernini. INT. CONVERTED ROOM - LUNA MANOR - DAY The room has been converted to accommodate a hospital bed and a bank of monitors and medical doodads. Joe lies on the bed surrounded by Dr. Cooper, a nurse, and Amy. Victor, Stanton and Lisa enter. STANTON How’s he doing? 68 DOCTOR COOPER He's had a very serious attack, Stanton. We are doing all we can to keep him comfortable. Dr. Cooper bends down close to Joe's ear. DR. COOPER Joe, look who's here. Stanton and Lisa. Dr. Cooper motions them to the side of the bed. LISA Hi, Joe. STANTON (loudly) You’ve got good color. Up and out of here in no time. Joe starts to wheeze. The nurse rushes over and adjusts the oxygen to his mask. Joe raises his hand and feebly places it on Lisa's stomach. Lisa self-consciously places her hand over Joe's. INT. THE STUDY - LUNA MANOR – DAY Dr. Cooper is addressing Stanton and Lisa, Victor and Amy, and Pat. DR. COOPER (to Stanton and Lisa) It could go either way, now. That’s why it’s so important that you two were able to come. All he’s talking about is that grandson of his and I think your presence here could be very good for him. Visit him often. Especially you, Lisa. Let him grab that wonderful belly of yours. There’s no better medicine for him right now then feeling that baby of yours kick. It will literally give him something to live for. Your presence here could very well save his life. Stanton and Lisa smile weakly. INT. LUNA MANOR – THE STAIRS – NIGHT Stanton and Lisa head up to their room. 69 STANTON We shouldn’t of come. I knew it. We gotta get out of here. LISA You heard the doctor. The baby I’m carrying is the only thing keeping your father alive! STANTON You’re not carrying a baby. You’re carrying my sportscoat! (beat) I can’t go through with it. We’ll go to hell for this. LISA You? I’ve got the hard part. You don’t have to do anything! STANTON They’re gonna find out and that’s gonna kill my father. Look what you’ve gotten us into! LISA Me? You’re the one who started this! STANTON At least I was trying to have a real child! LISA Without telling me! STANTON A real child over your fake child makes my lie more noble than your lie! LISA What? STANTON Because a real child would at least satisfy us in the short run while also satisfying my father in the long run. Hell, we might’ve even liked the kid giving us long-term satisfaction also. Your fake child is short term satisfaction for us but kills my father in the long run giving him no satisfaction and-- 70 LISA Alright, shutup! I’m getting a headache. They stand they’re unsure what to do for a second. Stanton then heads back downstairs. LISA Where are you going? STANTON Just go to the room! INT. LUNA MANOR - STUDY - NIGHT The room is empty except for Pat, who’s looking through some paperwork. Stanton enters, somewhat frantic-STANTON Pat! PAT Hi, Stanton, just helping with some of your father’s notes. What’s up? Stanton adjusts his expression from desperation to that of a man merely involved in strolling calmly about. STANTON Nothing. Just thinking... Stanton strolls to the window. STANTON I was like...thinking back. Thinking about growing up in this place. (beat) Anyway, I don’t want to hang you up. PAT No, go ahead. It’s the house, I suppose. STANTON What? PAT That causes you to recollect. It has changed so little. 71 STANTON Yeah, that’s probably it. STANTON Remember...when I was a boy. PAT Yes. STANTON I never ran to my father when I hurt myself. Scraped a knee or something. PAT No. STANTON I always came running to you. PAT Yes. STANTON We would meet in your pantry. (beat) Crazy what you remember. Stanton glances up at Pat, who betrays no emotion. STANTON I kinda...need your advice. It’s kind of a really big problem. Really big. I don’t know how to tell you... PAT Does it concern getting the wrinkles out of the balled up Bernini jacket covering Lisa’s stomach? STANTON (stunned) Sort of. You know? PAT I’ll meet you in the pantry. 72 INT. LAWYERS OFFICE – DAY Tacky. Victor sits next to his LAWYER, and across from the Pregnant Servant, now nine months pregnant, and her lawyer, MR. MARTINEZ. Martinez is looking over some paperwork. LAWYER By signing that agreement my client accepts the results of the test making him the biological father. Your client agrees never to disclose the identity of the biological father or all financial support is rescinded. MARTINEZ Yes, I can read, counselor. (to Victor) Would you like to know the gender of the child? She’s had a sonogram performed. VICTOR Well, no, not—MARTINEZ It’s going to be a girl. Victor grits his teeth. Martinez and the Pregnant Servant confer in Spanish. VICTOR I think it is most unfortunate that she would wait until this late date before naming me the father. MARTINEZ She didn’t want to be pregnant and unemployed. VICTOR No one would have fired her. MARTINEZ Please, Mr. Luna don’t insult my intelligence. (to Lawyer) There’s the matter of the other suit. LAWYER What other suit? 73 MARTINEZ The one concerning the illegal and racist drug testing going on at the Luna estate. VICTOR You must be joking-INT. PANTRY - NIGHT Stanton and Pat are in a service room between the kitchen and dining room. STANTON So, if you knew all along, why didn’t you just expose us? PAT I had the naive hope that some good would come out of this between you and your father. STANTON I agree. That was naïve. PAT If fate decided this was to be the way to bring you and your father back together, so be it. Played the hand you’re dealt with. A child would also force you to finally grow up and take some responsibility. It would do wonders for you and Lisa. It would complete you as a person and make you think of things greater than-- are you listening to me? Stanton is holding a liquor bottle from the shelf. STANTON (not listening) Cragganmore Scotch. What’s this doing in here? PAT Stanton! STANTON That’s all fine and well and I might consider it if I wasn’t about to burn in hell. What are we going to do, Pat? If I tell him it might kill him. If I don’t tell him then Lisa may have to stay pregnant for a few years. 74 Pat grabs the Scotch and pours himself a little glass. STANTON Now you’re talking... Pat corks the bottle and returns it to the shelf. He downs the Scotch. STANTON (dryly) Thanks. PAT Sometimes you have to finish what you started. INT. VICTOR AND AMY’S ROOM – NIGHT Victor and Amy are in bed. Amy is reading. Victor stares straight ahead. VICTOR Did Lisa look a little strange to you? AMY In what way? VICTOR In a strange way. AMY I think you’re imagining things. There is the faint sound of a door slamming and Victor gets out of bed and moves to the window. IN THE DRIVEWAY BELOW Stanton and Lisa are getting into a limousine. BACK IN VICTOR AND AMY’S BEDROOM Victor ducks into the closet and comes out wearing a robe. AMY Where are you going? VICTOR To get to the bottom of things. 75 EXT. WATERFRONT - NIGHT The limo pulls up and Pat emerges, opens the rear door for Lisa and Stanton, then proceeds down the gangway toward a row of grimy old trawlers. Stanton and Lisa follow. EXT. DOCKED TRAWLER - NIGHT Pat produces a flashlight and blinks it into a porthole. A running light flicks on and off. Pat boards, gestures for Stanton and Lisa to follow. FARTHER DOWN THE DOCK An apparently empty Bentley until Victor's head slides up into view. He watches intently as Lisa and Stanton enter the trawler. INT. DOCKED TRAWLER - NIGHT Pat descends into a cramped galley cluttered with rusted nautical paraphernalia. Stanton and Lisa are not far behind. The galley is fairly dark. There is a rustling, and then a man steps forth from the shadows in dramatic fashion. He’s a small man wearing a peacoat with a few days growth of beard. If it weren’t for the ominous surroundings he would look harmless. This is CRILL. CRILL (icily) This the unhappy couple? PAT Yes. Crill gets closer, uncomfortably close, really looks Stanton and Lisa over. PAT (to Stanton and Lisa) Mr. Crill is going to help us. LISA Help us do what? STANTON Help us do what, Pat? PAT Your father expects a grandson. STANTON You don’t mean... 76 LISA If you think I’m going to have sex with him, you’re crazy! STANTON Nobody is having sex with my wife, Pat! CRILL (to Pat) Whoa! You didn’t say anything about that! ON THE DECK Victor skulks to a dirt encrusted window and peers into the galley. Unable to see much, he slides his way along the edge of the boat towards the bow. The rusted railing he holds onto suddenly gives way. Flapping his arms wildly, Victor tries to keep from falling into the harbor. BACK IN THE GALLEY The faint sound of a SPLASH. LISA You’re going to find us a baby? CRILL That’s what I do. I find things. Crill grabs an onion and a pairing knife. CRILL But it ain’t gonna be easy, and it ain’t gonna be cheap. IN THE WATER Victor tries to pull himself out of the water and onto the trawler. As he pulls himself up he comes face to face with a fierce GERMAN SHEPHERD who snaps at him. He emits a blood-curdling SCREAM and falls back into the water. STANTON (hearing the scream) What was that? CRILL It’s a tough neighborhood. 77 LISA You’ll never find one in time. Let alone one who’s going to be born at the right time and who looks like he belongs to us. CRILL Don’t ever tell me I can’t do something, lady, ‘Cause I might just have to go out and do iiiiaauurrgghh! Crill holds out his thumb-CRILL Owe! I cut right into my thumb! Lisa and Stanton look at each other. CRILL Right into the fleshy part! Christ! Onion juice! It burns! Man! That ever happen to you? EXT. SHOPPING DISTRICT - DAY Stanton and Lisa are waiting outside a row of expensive boutiques. Pat approaches and removes a book from a shopping bag and hands it to Lisa. The book: YOUR PREGNANCY, WEEK BY WEEK. PAT This way. INT. MATERNITY WEAR STORE - DAY Lisa and Pat are gazing at the clothing as Stanton reads the pregnancy book. PAT In the weeks to follow you will have to comport yourself like a woman in the final stages of pregnancy. STANTON You’re gonna have to start breaking wind uncontrollably. LISA Pardon me? 78 STANTON Says here pregnant women have a hard time controlling their wind. I think what you should do is like, at the dinner table, when it’s real quiet, reach for the salt or something and then hit ‘em with a little toot. PAT (ignoring him) We will have to limit your public appearances. LISA What about the birth? PAT The birth mother, if Mr. Crill can locate her in time, will check into the hospital using your name. When the baby is born, you and Stanton will simply go out and pick him up. Then you’ll arrive back at Luna with the baby, explaining to whoever asks that while out, you suddenly went into labor and were rushed to the hospital where you gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. Lisa moves off, is helped by a sales girl. Pat directs Stanton’s attention to where another SALES GIRL is helping a PREGNANT WOMAN. The Sales Girl has brought out a number of belted pillows numbered 4 through 9, designed to approximate the late months of pregnancy. Stanton and Pat approach as the Pregnant Woman leaves. SALES GIRL #2 May I help you? Pat grabs the three pillows marked 7, 8 & 9. STANTON We want to buy these. INT. STANTON’S ROOM - DAY Stanton and Pat are waiting outside Lisa’s dressing room. She pokes her head out and waves Stanton in. LISA I think I need a little more air. 79 IN THE DRESSING ROOM Lisa is wearing one of her maternity outfits. Stanton flips up the dress, unzips the pillow, finds the valve, adds a little more air. IN THE ROOM Pat’s eyes widen a bit as Stanton emerges from the dressing room escorting Lisa. PAT Move around a bit, please. Yes, good. Arch your back. Good. Try to imagine that weight. Very nice. (beat) Your lower back aches, your feet hurt, your legs and feet are swollen. Waddle a bit. Yes, very nice. STANTON And remember, you’ve got tremendous gas. PAT How far along are you? LISA I’m in my final trimester. PAT And who’s your doctor? LISA Dr. Bidwell at St. Martha’s. He came highly recommended. Lisa walks about the room. She stops, touches her belly. LISA Boy, he’s really kicking today. Lisa sits, reaches down to stroke her calf muscles, sighs a little wearily. PAT Nice touch. PAT (to Stanton) Due date? STANTON December ninth. 80 PAT May I touch him? LISA Yes, of course. Pat steps up to Lisa, touches her belly, frowns. STANTON What do you think? PAT I don’t know if it quite passes the touch test. STANTON How would you know? PAT I know. Stanton and Pat are prodding and squeezing Lisa’s belly when Amy pokes her head into the room. AMY Look at you. You're carrying so low. Lisa self-consciously lifts up her belly. AMY (to Stanton) She’s definitely having a boy alright. Carrying low means a boy. Lisa shoves her belly down. AMY Did you know I was a certified Lamaze instructor? We’ve been through the class so many times I qualified for certification. I could organize a class. LISA You don't have to do that. AMY It'll be fun! 81 INT. LUNA MANOR - DAY Amy conducts a Lamaze class attended by several PREGNANT COUPLES and Stanton and Lisa. The women are on all fours being massaged in the lower back by their husbands. AMY Husbands, it’s impossible to predict how your wife will react once in labor. Generally, you can expect behavior resembling severe demonic possession. Personality traits you never suspected may emerge, offering you a glimpse into the dark side. WIFE #1 If the pain gets too intense we can call for an epidural, right? AMY We do not refer to the word pain. There is no pain. There is only discomfort. And discomfort is nature’s way of saying: here’s what it’s like to pass a kitchen appliance through a space no wider than your fist. (beat) Alright ladies, let’s roll over onto our sides, and we’ll go over some focus techniques. Fathers, did you all bring your special object? As husbands pull out teddy bears and other cute items, Stanton pulls out a martini glass. When he turns back to regard Lisa, he sees that her stomach has shifted dramatically to the side. He moves in and grabs it, shifting it roughly back into place. A nearby HUSBAND stares in horror. Stanton smiles weakly. STANTON Kid’s got quite a kick. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY A placard outside a meeting room reads: UNWED MOTHERS 2-3 PM. INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY A DOZEN WOMEN in various stages of pregnancy conduct an encounter session led by a matronly, somewhat burly, MODERATOR. PREGNANT WOMAN #1 He said he would support any decision I made. He said he wanted to do the right thing. He said he would marry me if that's what I wanted. 82 (beat) Now he refuses to take my calls. PREGNANT WOMAN #2 Oh, that's typical. PREGNANT WOMAN #3 They’re all cowards. PREGNANT WOMAN #2 And liars. MODERATOR Yes. You see, lying to a woman is not really lying, as far as a man is concerned. It's permitted under the rules of engagement. A man is racked with guilt when he lies about his golf score, but doesn't think twice about deceiving a woman. ODD LOOKING WOMAN Oh, yes, tell me about it. I met an awful little man the other day. He handed me this card. She rummages through her purse, pulls out a business card. ODD LOOKING WOMAN Look at this. (reading) Big Money For Your Baby. PREGNANT WOMAN #4 Oh, that's awful! ODD LOOKING WOMAN Isn't it though? PREGNANT WOMAN #5 Let me see that. ODD LOOKING WOMAN (handing her the card) Here, take it. I have others. The odd looking woman produces a stack of the business cards and soon she's handing them out to the pregnant women, who are exclaiming: This is awful! How shameful! Terrible! etc. 83 MODERATOR What kind of human filth would prey upon women like this? ODD LOOKING WOMAN He had the nerve to tell me that if I met all of his requirements he would pay me an outrageous some of money and pay all my medical expenses, private delivery room, the whole deal. She drops one of the business cards, bends over to pick it up. Upon rising, her wig has shifted nearly off her head. We begin to see through the disguise. The Odd Looking Woman is...Crill in disguise! CRILL (CONT'D) (still using his woman's falsetto) Apparently he represents a very rich couple who would make sure the child grew up with all the advantages--well, he went on and on. It was all I could do to keep from slapping him in the face. (beat) Everyone’s staring. Why's everyone staring? The moderator rises. Some of the women are gasping in horror. PREGNANT WOMAN #1 Oh my God! A man! Screams. The moderator snatches Crill's wig off. Everyone is screaming. The moderator takes a swing at Crill, who manages to duck away from the punch but winds up on his ass. He's kicked at, then scratched and clawed as he rises. His disguise is torn off as he tries to flee. He almost makes it to the door but the women converge-CRILL AUUUUURRGH! INT. STANTON’S ROOM – NIGHT Lisa is studying herself in the mirror as Stanton tests the air pressure in her fake belly. He moves to the door, checks the hall, returns. STANTON We’ll take a quick walk-by, give ‘em the presidential wave, “how are you, no questions please,” and then we’ll zip back up here. Ready? 84 INT. STUDY – NIGHT Amy is enjoying a nightcap as Victor paces back and forth. AMY For heavens sake Victor, you’re wearing out the rug. VICTOR (thinking out loud) This must be handled very judiciously. I must expose them for the liars and con artists that they are without unduly upsetting Father. AMY I think you’re just jealous. VICTOR It will require tact and guile. AMY Which you have none. VICTOR It’s neither. AMY What? VICTOR I have neither tact nor guile. AMY That’s what I said. Lisa and Stanton appear at the doorway. AMY Hi, you two! We were just talking about you. VICTOR Yes, indeed. Just wondering how the newest little Luna is doing. STANTON Everything is fine. Thought we would just pop in to bid everyone a goodnight. So-Victor approaches Lisa. 85 VICTOR So soon? You know what? I haven’t had an opportunity to feel the baby kick. Stanton steps between Victor and Lisa. STANTON He’s not kicking right now. He’s sleeping. VICTOR How do you know? Lisa and Stanton appear at the doorway. STANTON He keeps very regular hours. Victor tries reaching around Stanton to grab at Lisa. VICTOR Oh nonsense. Let me just have a feel-Stanton blocks at Victor’s hand. STANTON You better not-VICTOR Just a little pat... STANTON You don’t want to wake the baby... VICTOR He won’t mind... STANTON Well I do... It starts to look like a girl fight. AMY Victor! You’re scaring Lisa. JOE’S VOICE What’s going on here? Joe has wheeled up behind them in his wheelchair. 86 VICTOR Father, just in time. Your son is kicking. Have a feel. JOE You don’t say. He reaches for Lisa’s belly-LISA AAAIIIIIEE! She tries to back away but his wheelchair is on her dress. STANTON NO! Lisa wrenches away, tearing her dress. She bolts off. JOE What the hell’s she so jumpy about? VICTOR Yes, explain that to us Stanton. Stanton freezes for a second. STANTON She’s...Her family is Hungarian and they believe touching a pregnant mother puts a curse on the child. VICTOR Oh, what nonsense! STANTON It’s a very old tradition and um, she’s you know, embarrassed to talk about it. Some sort of Gypsy thing. She’s not one to throw her religion in people’s faces. AMY Certainly Stanton, we understand. VICTOR What a bunch of...her maiden name is O’Kelley. How can she be Hungarian? 87 STANTON Mother’s side. JOE I like it. Shows respect for family traditions. I think some of us in here need to do more of that. There is to be no touching of Lisa’s stomach. Victor wheel me to my room. VICTOR Father, do you really think-JOE Victor! Let’s go. Victor’s wheels Joe out while glaring at Stanton. INT. STANTON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Lisa is pacing nervously. Stanton enters. LISA What did they say? STANTON Remember your parents are Hungarian. LISA What? STANTON Just remember that. As for freaking out, you’re pregnant. You can get away with all sorts of odd behavior. You can cry, yell, throw things and act like a deranged maniac and people will let it slide. OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW Victor is climbing up a gnarled tree. He has to crawl out on a limb, stretching himself along its length, in order to get a view into Stanton’s bedroom. Inside the room, Lisa goes behind a partition and starts to take off her clothes. We sense that she’s taking off her belly. BACK IN STANTON’S ROOM She comes out from behind the partition and- 88 OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW -as luck would have it, Victor’ view is constantly concealed by incidental items. He pulls out a camera and stretches out to get a better shot. There is a tremendous SNAP! VICTOR For the love of...! BACK IN STANTON’S ROOM Lisa collapses onto the bed, kisses Stanton. In the window beyond, we see Victor and the limb fall out of view. LISA Goodnight, honey. STANTON Lisa? LISA Yes? STANTON After this is over...I mean, I don’t know if you’ve thought about it...well, what I mean is, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have carrying my...beachball. INT. DINING ROOM – DAY Victor, Amy, Joe, Dr. Cooper and Stanton are going at their respective grapefruits. Pat stands by. VICTOR By the way, Stanton, what hospital have you chosen? STANTON Uh... Stanton looks around for help, but Lisa is absent and Pat can only widen his eyes. STANTON Oh! St. Martha’s. JOE Ummhmm. And who’s Lisa’s doctor? 89 STANTON Doctor? Ummm... VICTOR Come come. You must know who Lisa’s gynecologist is. STANTON Yeah, it’s...Dr. Birdwheel. Pat rolls his eyes. AMY Dr. Birdwheel? That’s an odd name. Are you sure you’re pronouncing it right? STANTON Yes, because I remember saying you mean like a bird on a wheel? And he said, yes, like a bird on a wheel. So that’s how I remembered that his name is Birdwheel. EXT. PARK BENCH -DAY Crill, several deep scratches on his face, sits waiting. A hefty man in dirty coveralls approaches, sits. This is DICK. DICK You Crill? CRILL Heidi? DICK She's in the car. I thought I should check you out first. (beat) What happened to your face? CRILL I was attacked. By a vicious street gang. DICK Oh yeah? This couple, they got money? CRILL A kid would be lucky to have parents like them. 90 Dick gestures and HEIDI arrives. She's a plain looking woman in her late thirties, very pregnant. DICK We got four already. Youngest is ten. On my salary, we're barely making it as it is. HEIDI These people you say you work for. How do we know they're for real? CRILL They're real. And they're willing to pay for everything. Hospital expenses at the hospital of your choice. Private delivery room, private physician, the works. (beat) And if you agree today, there's a substantial signing bonus. INT. PANTRY - LUNA MANOR - NIGHT Stanton and Lisa. Pat enters with Crill. CRILL I found a couple. They'll deal. LISA What kind of people are they? CRILL He's a welder and she's a housewife. Good, healthy stock. Hair and eyes look right and the kid should be arriving at just the right time. STANTON A welder? LISA And a housewife? CRILL They want to meet you guys. Lisa and Stanton look at each other. 91 INT. HEIDI'S HOUSE - DAY Stanton and Lisa are sitting uncomfortably on a battered couch under the critical gaze of Heidi and Dick, clutching glasses filled with Kool-Aid. Toys litter the carpet. The sound of children engaged in frenzied play--shrieks of laughter, cries of outrage, sudden thumps, crashes--is heard. HEIDI Have you had any experience with children? LISA Well, we're attending a number of child-rearing courses which are designed to prepare you for parenthood. Although I know no classroom can fully prepare one for the tremendous challenge-A CAT runs into the room being chased by a remote controlled Jeep that rams Lisa in the shin. LISA (grimacing) --of parenting. Stanton picks up the jeep. A SNOT-NOSED BRAT tears into the room. STANTON Hey, is this yours? This is cool. SNOT-NOSED BRAT (an ungodly shriek) MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! Stanton nearly climbs up the back of the couch in terror as he holds the Jeep out for the child who falls to the floor and bursts into tears. Stanton places the jeep on the floor next to him and the kid bats it away. SNOT-NOSED BRAT N0000000000! DICK Kid’s a goddamn psycho. Dick rises and grabs the kid and the Jeep and exits. Stanton stares after them in horror as Heidi turns to Elizabeth. HEIDI They can be a handful sometimes. 92 (beat) All that money you have. You gonna spoil the child? LISA Oh, well, that's one of our big things--it's so funny you ask--because Stanton has been saying to me that's one of his biggest things is that he doesn't want to spoil the child. STANTON Oh yeah, kids today, they're spoiled. A LITTLE GIRL wanders in, stares at Lisa without speaking. LISA Right. Lisa waves, mouths "Hello" and smiles, but the child just stares. STANTON It's like...discipline. What's the matter with discipline? LISA Exactly. The little girl sits down and starts to take off Lisa's shoe. Lisa is unsure how to react. Dick reappears twisting the top off a bottle of beer. DICK You want to talk about discipline, I’ll tell you what. When the kid’s about five or so, you take him out in the backyard and just beat the tar out of him for no reason. When he says “Why?” you say “cause I brought you in this world and I’ll take you out.” (beat) After that he'll toe the line. Lisa smiles nervously at Heidi while the Little Girl removes her shoe and carries it out of the room. Stanton gulps his Kool-Aid nervously. Dick flips his bottle top at the cat who lets out a SCREETCH and runs off. HEIDI What about school? 93 LISA Well I have a degree in music and Stanton has attended several Ivy-HEIDI I mean for the child. LISA I umm...Stanton what do you-STANTON We definitely plan to send him to one. DICK As far as this money now. How are we getting paid? HEIDI I don’t want him to grow up no snob. DICK I'd rather not let Uncle Sam know about our little transaction if you know what I'm saying. STANTON Of course not. DICK Cash would help. In small bills, of course. HEIDI I want the best for him but I don’t want him to be one those snobs. LISA We are very down to earth. Right, Stanton? STANTON Oh yeah, salt of the earth. INT. STANTON'S BEDROOM Lisa sits with one of Amy's little girls combing out her hair. LISA Your hair combs out so pretty. LITTLE GIRL Are you going to live here from now on? 94 LISA Well, I don't know...would you like me to? LITTLE GIRL Yes! LISA It’s getting late. You better run off to bed. LITTLE GIRL Thanks, Aunt Lisa. She hugs Lisa who is taken by surprise. The little girl runs out the door right by Stanton who's just coming in. Lisa moves to lie on the bed. LISA My back is killing me. You have no idea how uncomfortable this is. Look, I've got these big red marks, and my feet are killing me. Plus, I’m gaining weight because I can’t exercise. I can’t take this one more day. I mean it. I want this thing over with. STANTON Here. Stanton moves to the bed, starts to massage her feet. Lisa catches their reflection in the mirror. Stanton follows her gaze and then they're both staring at their reflection. STANTON They look like a real pregnant couple, don't they? LISA Mmmm. (beat) Do you think I’d make a good mother? STANTON You? No. You’re way too self-centered. And anyway, it’s the last thing you need right now, right? LISA (unconvincingly) Right. 95 INT. LUNA MANOR - DAY Amy is leading Lisa through the atrium. A GARDENER is fishing dead Koi out of the pond. AMY If you'd like, you can bury your placenta in the garden. LISA Why would I do that? AMY It's considered good luck. Hungarians don’t do that? I've buried all of mine. If nothing else, the hydrangeas are flourishing. Have you thought about freezing the umbilical cord? LISA For good luck? AMY Oh, no. Doesn't your doctor tell you anything? You have it frozen and the blood can be used later on in the event of catastrophic illness. (beat) I have a friend who had hers bronzed. EXT. LUNA MANOR – THE GARDEN – DAY Amy and Lisa emerge from the house to find the yard decorated for a baby shower and crowded with LADIES wearing sun dresses and floppy hats. A BAND breaks into "Babylove." LISA Oh my God! AMY We can't let you have a baby without a shower! (beat, to all) Isn't she beautiful? EXT. MEDICAL OFFICES - DAY Heidi waddles to Crill's car. 96 INT. CRILL'S CAR - DAY Crill is drowsing, a lit cigarette with a huge ash dangling from his mouth. Heidi knocks on the window, startling him. He rolls down the window and smoke billows from the car. INT. CRILL'S CAR - MOVING - DAY Crill drives. Heidi sits quietly in the passenger seat. CRILL Doc' look you over? Everything ship shape? (silence from Heidi) Good, good. HEIDI I want to go to the Luna’s place. CRILL I'm sure we can arrange a meeting. HEIDI Right now. I wanna to catch them unexpected, see how they live. CRILL Can't. HEIDI Why not? CRILL Cause they’re not home. HEIDI How do you know? CRILL Well who's home this time of day? You're not, I'm not...I'll call later and set something up. HEIDI Not later, now. I want to go there now. I want to see them now. If you can't do it now let me out so I can take a cab. CRILL Ok just relax. Don’t get all hormonal and such... 97 HEIDI Mister, you take me where I want to go or I’ll show you hormonal! Crill stares at her for a beat then swings the car around. HEIDI First stop at the market and pick me up some prune juice and pork rinds. INT. VICTOR BEDROOM – DAY Victor is taping one of Amy’s compacts to the top of his shoe. He practices flicking his foot and opening up the compact to reveal the mirror. BACK IN THE GARDEN The shower is in full swing. The band continues to belt out tunes with the word "baby" in the title. Lisa is very uncomfortable as Amy chats with a gaggle of slightly drunk ladies. AMY Oh yes, Lisa. Cod liver oil. LADY #1 (to Lisa) Take a spoonful daily, starting today. That baby will slide right out. LADY #2 Yes, the only problem is the child will be born with fish lips. LADY #1 Oh, that's not true! Gay laughter from all the ladies. While no one looks, Lisa grabs the drink in front of Lady #1, swigs deeply. EXT. LUNA MANOR - DAY Crill's car pulls up in front of the mansion. INT. CRILL'S CAR - DAY Crill and Heidi gaze out at Luna. The driveway is filled with cars. 98 CRILL (bluffing) Oh, that’s too bad. I don’t see their car. They’re not here. Let’s go get you some more rinds... Heidi opens the door and exits the car. CRILL Hey! Heidi makes briskly for the front door. Crill leaps from his car in pursuit. BACK IN THE GARDEN The alcohol is loosening up Lisa who starts to sway with the music with a group of ladies by the stage. The music ends and Lisa grabs a half filled drink from someone. LISA Here, let me re-freshen that for you. As she heads toward the bar, she takes a long swig. Victor emerges from the house, surveys the garden, spots Lisa. AT THE BAR Lisa is waiting for a drink. Victor approaches. VICTOR Hey, can a man get a drink around here or is this ladies only? (winks, nudges Lisa) No, seriously though, you look absolutely radiant. LISA Thank you, Victor. Victor executes his little flip of the foot and the compact opens, exposing the mirror. VICTOR You know, we’ve been living under the same roof for months and I still feel like I hardly know you. He steps toward her, manages to get his foot close to hers. VICTOR Will you promise me something? At the first opportunity I want you and me to sit down and just... 99 He’s awkwardly trying to look at the mirror and converse at the same time. VICTOR ...you know...chat. LISA Uh...sure. Excuse me. As she turns to leave he’s moving his foot all over the place trying to get a glimpse, but then she’s gone and he only shrugs, for the moment defeated. IN THE FOYER Pat opens the door to reveal Heidi. HEIDI I want to see the Lunas. Crill runs up. CRILL I couldn’t stop her. HEIDI I’m here to see the Lunas. Are you gonna take me to ‘em or do I have to find them myself? PAT Of course. Would you please follow me? INT. STANTON’S BEDROOM - DAY With only a towel around his waist and a toothbrush in his mouth, Stanton comes out of the bathroom. He slaps some cologne on his body and goes to the window overlooking the garden. He watches nonchalantly as the bandleader hands an inebriated Lisa the microphone. His jaw drops as the band kicks into “Brick House” and Lisa, hands in the air, begins gyrating wildly to the beat, really shaking her belly STANTON Holy crap! IN THE HALL Heidi and Crill follow Pat. As they round a corner, Pat spots Joe and Dr. Cooper heading in his direction. He spins Heidi around and walks her and Crill into a walk-in closet. IN THE WALK-IN CLOSET 100 Darkness until Pat tugs on the overhead light revealing a cramped closet. PAT Your coat? HEIDI I'm not wearing one. Pat peers out the door. PAT Of course. Joe and Dr. Cooper pass by. Pat steps out of the closet and gestures for Heidi. PAT This way, please. IN THE HALLWAY Heidi comes out of the closet and as Crill steps out-PAT Please wait here, Mr. Crill. CRILL Yes of course, I'll-Pat shoves him back inside and shuts the door. PAT This way. As they turn, they are almost run over by a half-undressed Stanton hellbent for the baby shower. PAT Ah. Here’s Mr. Luna now. Stanton can’t believe his eyes. STANTON What—what--a pleasant surprise. HEIDI Mr. Luna, I hope you don’t mind that I dropped by unannounced. But the fact is, I wanted to catch you unprepared. 101 STANTON What a really great idea. PAT Maybe it would be best if you spoke in the sitting room. They follow Pat. IN THE SITTING ROOM Heidi enters and takes a seat with her back to a window, which affords a view out onto the garden. Lisa can be plainly seen dancing around on stage. Stanton and Pat enter. Stanton blanches as he stares past Heidi. PAT I’ll try and locate Mrs... He trails off, because he’s caught sight of Lisa out on the stage. STANTON Yes, uh, tell her to please for the love of God stop whatever she's doing and come join us. Stanton sits, smiles warmly at Heidi. ON THE STAGE Lisa is in her element. LISA (into mike) Okay ladies, let's move into the groove real smooth-One--two--three--four! The band breaks into "Funky Town." AT THE BAR Victor is drinking, watching Lisa with eyes narrowed. IN THE SITTING ROOM Stanton is seated on the couch rambling to Heidi while keeping one eye on Lisa. 102 STANTON We’re a couple of homebodies, Lisa and I. Dinner at eight, in bed by ten is our style. Maybe that’s not exciting enough for some but it suits us fine. HEIDI Is that music? STANTON Yes. That’s music you hear. We’ve always got music of one sort or another playing. Heidi starts to crane her neck around. Stanton swats a glass figurine off the table and it smacks against the wall, shattering and sending glass flying everywhere-STANTON Look out! Heidi stares at him like he’s insane. STANTON I knew that was going to happen. That figurine was just too close to the edge. Is the light in your eyes? Stanton leaps up, closes the curtains. The room is darkened dramatically. STANTON Isn’t that better? HEIDI I can’t see anything... IN THE GARDEN Joe and Dr. Cooper emerge from the house, and stare in amazement at Lisa on the stage. Lisa finishes her set and the ladies cheer wildly. She comes off the stage and makes her way toward the house. Victor follows. Victor watches Lisa head into the bathroom. He circles around and heads for the side yard. IN THE BATHROOM Lisa is checking her belly’s air pressure. She decides she needs more air so she lifts up her dress, unstraps her belly and starts to add air. In a small window, Victor’ head appears. He sees everything. His jaw drops in astonishment. IN THE GARDEN 103 A TREMENDOUSLY FAT WOMAN is staring suspiciously at Victor as he comes away from the window. Lisa emerges from the house and scampers back to the stage. Victor sees Joe and Dr. Cooper watching from the patio. VICTOR I’ll give them a show they’ll never forget. Lisa returns to the stage and the ladies cheer. She grabs the mike. LISA (into mike) Okay ladies, I’m gonna show you the way to funky town! The band kicks in and Lisa belts out another tune. Victor makes his way to the buffet table, examines various sharp implements before settling on a shrimp fork. He pockets it, then slowly makes his way toward the stage like an assassin. As he nears the stage, he bumps into Amy. AMY Victor! Isn’t she great! Victor shoulders past her without looking. AMY Victor? Lisa finishes her number to wild applause. She instructs the band to take five and heads down the steps. Victor is there to assist her. VICTOR Here, let me help you. He takes her hand, and as she comes down the steps he behaves as if she’s stumbled— VICTOR Oh, hey there, watch out— He puts his other arm around her— LISA Thanks. Victor has a maniacal look on his face that causes Lisa to remain staring at him. LISA What? 104 Then she looks down at the shrimp fork in his hand. He starts to laugh weirdly. Lisa’s eyes grow wide, there is the sound of air escaping from a slow leak. She grabs her belly. LISA Oh my God! She stumbles through a group of ladies that includes Amy. AMY Lisa? What is it? LISA Oh my God! AMY Oh my God! Lisa goes racing for the house. Victor’ laughter is increasing. Next to him, the Tremendously Fat Woman is staring at his shoe. TREMENDOUSLY FAT WOMAN You pervert! She rears back and swings with her purse, catches him in the side of the face. Victor goes sprawling. AMY She must have gone into labor! The ladies immediately go into a frenzy and follow Amy, who pursues Lisa. IN THE SITTING ROOM Stanton strolls around the room as Heidi grows impatient. STANTON I really don’t know what is keeping Lisa. He parts the curtains, gapes in horror. Lisa is running straight toward him. Stanton tries to wave her off. He locks the sliding glass door. She arrives, grabs the handle, rattles the door-LISA LET ME IN! Stanton closes the curtain in her face. 105 LISA’S VOICE Stanton! HEIDI What’s going on? STANTON (calmly) Hmm? Oh, it’s nothing— Amy bursts into the room-AMY Stanton, your wife is in labor! Call Dr. Birdwheel! Amy leaves. Stanton winks at Heidi. STANTON Pay her no mind. My brother’s wife. Hopelessly insane. Usually she’s medicated or strapped to her bed. He keeps her around and you have to admire him for...Will you excuse me? IN THE GARDEN Lisa dives over a hedgerow and hides behind it as a group of ladies go racing by her. She pulls up her dress to reveal that her stomach is completely flat. She frantically tries to reinflate it. LADY #2 VOICE There she is! Lisa races towards the house. IN THE HALLWAY Pat, Dr. Cooper and Joe come upon Amy. AMY Lisa is in labor and she's run off in a panic, poor thing. We have to find her! DR. COOPER I’ve seen this before. Buried deep in our genetic make-up is the age-old instinct to go off alone to give birth. It’s the same instinct one finds, for example, in cats that slink off under the house to-- 106 JOE Well let’s not stand around and blabber about it! Pat! We’ll have to search the house! PAT Yes. They move off down the hall. As they pass the closet, the door opens and Crill pokes his head out. Pat shoves the door closed and they continue on. IN THE STUDY Lisa rushes in and slams the door behind her. She looks around, goes to the couch, grabs a pillow and stuffs it under her dress. VICTOR’ VOICE Well well well. Lisa spins around to see Victor, a big welt on his face, move from the bar to stand at the door. He swirls a drink in his hand. VICTOR Looks like the air has been let out of the charade, Hmm? He steps toward her. VICTOR Why don’t you just hand me the pillow and we’ll go out and face the music together. Honestly, what can you hope to accomplish? The jig is up, as they say. LISA Get away from me! VICTOR Give me that pillow! Victor lunges for her, grabs her dress, tries to lift it. The door opens. It’s the tremendously Fat Woman—LISA It’s time everybody saw what you’ve got under there! TREMENDOUSLY FAT WOMAN HELP! PERVERT! 107 Dr. Cooper and Joe enter— JOE Victor! What the hell are you doing? VICTOR Father! Look! Under her dress! Lisa drives a knee into his groin— JOE He’s lost his mind! Victor sinks to the floor. DR COOPER Lisa, honey, everything is going to be alright. LISA DON'T TOUCH ME! JOE She’s Hungarian, dammit! She races past them and out of the room. They follow. Meanwhile, Victor looks up to see the Tremendously Fat Woman step into the room, close the door behind her, and roll up her sleeves. TREMENDOUSLY FAT WOMAN So, you like to look at little girl’s panties, do you? Let me show you how we deal with perverts back in Kentucky. She steps toward him. VICTOR Oh, for the love of---aaauuurggh! IN THE FOYER Lisa is halfway up the stairs. Joe and Dr. Cooper are at the foot of the stairs when Stanton races in. LISA Leave me alone! Please! I’m fine! DR. COOPER Lisa, let me have a look at you! 108 JOE Be careful, would you? That’s my grandson you’re jostling about there! Amy and the ladies arrive. AMY Lisa, darling, it’s okay! Don’t be afraid. The ladies chime in: it’s okay, don’t be afraid, most natural thing in the world, etc. AMY Stanton, talk to her, calm her down. STANTON (to Lisa) RUN! Lisa turns and runs up the stairs. AMY Did you learn nothing in Lamaze? Pat enters. DR. COOPER Pat, call Dr. Birdwheel! Pat just stands there, momentarily at a loss. INT. STANTON'S ROOM - DAY Lisa bursts in, dives into the bed, pulling the covers up to her neck tightly. Dr. Cooper, Amy and Joe arrive. LISA Go away! DR. COOPER Lisa, honey, stay calm. LISA I don't need a doctor. Everything's fine. Really. AMY Honey, I know you're afraid but don't worry. Just relax and let nature take over. 109 The ladies arrive, filling the doorway. Stanton has to force his way into the room. STANTON Okay, look, she's fine. She's not in labor. LISA Stanton, make them go away. DR. COOPER Now you look here. Your wife is in labor and you have to get a grip on yourself, mister. She's gonna have a baby. STANTON No, she's not. No way. That's impossible. DR. COOPER Why is that? STANTON She's not due for another two weeks. AMY (shaking her head) Rookies. Pat enters, followed by Crill. He approaches Stanton. PAT Dr. Birdwheel is here. STANTON (looking past Crill) He is? PAT Dr. Birdwheel, this is Dr. Cooper. CRILL I'm Dr. Birdwheel. DR. COOPER Dr. Birdwheel? CRILL That's correct. I'm Dr. Birdwheel. 110 DR. COOPER Great. I'm Dr. Cooper. CRILL I’m Dr. Birdwheel. Crill stands there uncertainly. JOE Let's get out of here and let the man do his job! Joe, Amy and the Ladies file out. DR. COOPER I notice you didn't bring your bag. CRILL (holding up his hands) These are all I need. Now, if you’ll just wait outside. DR. COOPER Certainly, Doctor. Dr. Cooper exits. HEIDI'S VOICE I'm looking for Stanton and Lisa. Stanton looks at Pat in horror. IN THE HALL Dr. Cooper emerges from the room where Joe, Amy, and the ladies have gathered. Heidi is standing there looking pissed. AMY (to Heidi) Who are you? HEIDI What is going on around here? AMY Lisa is having a baby. Pat pokes his head out the room and grabs Heidi by the arm. 111 PAT There you are, nurse. Dr. Birdwheel is waiting. HEIDI Who are you calling nurse? PAT Forgive me. “Certified Obstetric Technician.” (to the ladies) Everybody is so politically correct these days. He pushes her into the room. BACK IN THE ROOM Heidi tears free of Pat's grasp. HEIDI What kind of nuthouse is this? She sees Lisa unbuckling her fake, now deflated belly. LISA Hi. PAT (to Crill) Go out and tell them it’s a false alarm, please, Mr. Crill. CRILL Right. False alarm. OUT IN THE HALL Joe, Victor, Dr. Cooper, Amy and the ladies have gathered outside. Victor, appears, battered and bruised. AMY Victor! What on earth happened to you? Crill sticks his head out of the room. DR. COOPER How’s she doing, Doctor? 112 PAT It appears that Mrs. Luna's contractions have subsided. VICTOR She’s not pregnant! CRILL It’s nothing, really. Just a little gas. VICTOR SHE’S NOT PREGNANT! (looking at Crill) I know that man! He lives on a boat! JOE Victor! Will you please shut up! CRILL Just a false al-A tremendous wail is heard from the room-AMY Oh my! Crill ducks back into the room. BACK IN THE ROOM Crill returns to see Lisa helping Heidi into bed. STANTON What's the matter with her? LISA I think she's having contractions. HEIDI My water broke! STANTON Why? What? Water? What? LISA We need the doctor! OUT IN THE HALL 113 Crill sticks his head out of the room. CRILL Excuse me, Doctor Cooper? Could I see you in here for a moment? I'd like to take a brief consultation. IN THE ROOM Lisa is crouched bedside, holding Heidi's hand as Crill leads Dr. Cooper to the bed. CRILL (to Dr. Cooper) This patient is exhibiting some unusual symptoms. HEIDI I'm in labor you idiot! A confused Dr. Cooper looks at a clearly not pregnant Lisa. LISA This is Heidi. She's having a baby. Can you help her please? There's a moment of utter confusion. HEIDI It's coming! The baby's coming! CRILL I have no objection, Doctor, if you'd like to do the honCrill faints to the floor. Dr. Cooper has to step over him to get to the bed. DR. COOPER Heidi, I'm Dr. Cooper and you have nothing to worry about because I've delivered quite a few babies in my time. HEIDI So have I and this one is coming! IN THE HALLWAY Joe, Victor, Pat, Amy and the ladies respond to the sounds of labor coming from the room. 114 VICTOR Oh sure! It's all very convincing, isn't it? JOE You open your mouth one more time and I’ll take away your Mercedes! IN THE BEDROOM Dr. Cooper attends to Heidi. Crill remains passed out. DR. COOPER Lisa, I'll need your help. IN THE HALLWAY - LATER Pat is serving coffee to the ladies. Suddenly we hear a baby crying and the ladies cheer. JOE You hear that? That's him! I'm going in there. PAT I think perhaps it would be better if we were to— Joe pushes past PatIN THE BEDROOM Joe bursts in followed by Victor and Amy. Lisa and Stanton are standing next to the bed and Dr. Cooper is handing the baby to Heidi. JOE What... what's... STANTON Okay, look, uh... JOE What the hell is going on here? What’s...I don’t understand. Victor grabs the fake belly and holds it up. VICTOR THIS is your grandson, Father! 115 AMY Oh my God! Amy grows faint, has to be helped to a seat by Pat. JOE The boy... VICTOR It was all about revenge and money. Tell him, Pat. After all, you were in on it. JOE (to Pat) You? Pat looks like he wants to say something. JOE (to Stanton) I want you out of here. The both of you. Joe wheels out. INT. STANTON’S BEDROOM – DAY Stanton and Lisa have finished packing in silence. IN THE HALLWAY They are glumly heading down the stairwell. Pat appears at the top of the stairs. PAT Wait. STANTON It’s no use. PAT We’ve all been less than truthful here. Joe, Victor and Amy appear behind Pat. JOE Let them go. Their deceit has embarrassed this family. 116 VICTOR What they’ve done is unforgivable, Father. It’s horribly immoral and I am going to check to see if any laws have been broken. STANTON That’s it; keep kissing Daddy’s ass. You’re wasting your time. He can’t stand you either. VICTOR How ridiculous. (beat) Isn’t that so, Father? Joe says nothing. PAT Stop them, Joe. JOE Never. STANTON (to Joe) Hurts when you’re lied to, doesn’t it? I hope you hurt as much about losing a grandson as I do losing a mother! PAT Stanton, it’s time to tell them. JOE Enough, Pat. PAT I know where your mother is. JOE Goddamit, Pat, that’s enough! PAT Your mother— JOE Nobody listen to Pat now... 117 PAT -is still here. Everybody stares at Pat. VICTOR Still here? AMY Oh my God, she’s chained up in the attic. You know, I often hear sounds coming from there... VICTOR Amy, not now... PAT She’s right here... (beat) She’s...me. Confusion from Stanton and Victor. VICTOR What the hell are you talking about? Father, what is he talking about? Joe sinks his head. VICTOR What is he talking about, Father? JOE Pat is your mother! Or was your mother! PAT (to Stanton) You’re not in those tapes because at the time, we were in Sweden. STANTON Sweden? (realizing) I don’t fucking believe this... 118 PAT Back then it was the only place someone...like me...could undergo the operation. LISA What does that mean, Stanton? Stanton just shakes his head in amazement. AMY What’s going on here, Victor? VICTOR My God! (beat) I’m the product of a homosexual relationship! AMY Oh. Well there’s no shame in that. JOE (to Victor) You idiot! Your mother is a post-operative transgender male! LISA Oh my God...Oh my God... (beat) Victor, is that a bad thing? VICTOR WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? STANTON Victor, our mother Pat is a transsexual. VICTOR THAT’S DISGUSTING! (beat) Isn’t it? 119 PAT When I decided to go through with the operation, we knew it would mean a major scandal for your father. I know it’s hard to understand today, but it would have ruined him. Your father, to his credit, never disparaged me, and in fact, encouraged me to go. When I returned we agreed I would assume the role of an aide to the Luna family, and wait until the right time to tell you the truth. It just never came. (beat) I couldn’t bear to be away from my children. STANTON (to Joe) You encouraged her...him? JOE She was so unhappy. (beat) And she was forever wearing my clothes. AMY So Pat is really a homosexual Swede who had an operationPAT I was not a homosexual. That is when men like other men. I was a woman who wanted to be a man. VICTOR I feel feint... PAT I am so sorry. I wish I had told you sooner. Your father didn’t want-JOE Alright! The truth is out. And it changes nothing. Stanton, after what you pulled I never want to look at you again! PAT (over) Joe, give it a rest, please! We have all lied! 120 VICTOR Well I haven’t! PAT Shall we talk about the kitchen staff? Victor blanches. AMY What does he mean, Victor? VICTOR An indiscretion. We will discuss it later... PAT For better or worse, we’re all we’ve got. And we are under one roof for the first time in a long time. Joe, isn’t that why you worked so hard all your life? Or is it only about the money? STANTON It’s about the money. PAT Like father, like son. Stanton and Joe look at each other. EXT. HEATCHOAT MANOR – THE GARDEN – DAY Joe and Pat are watching their six granddaughters play. Amy is lounging in a chair as Victor, waiting on her hand and foot, serves her a margarita. Lisa is demonstrating some dance moves for her singing routine to Stanton. Amy directs Victor over to the crib where he starts to change the diapers on his youngest daughter as we FADE OUT. 121 THE END