Unofficial Guide to Pitchfork 2011 by logansquareeagle


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									Dress Code                                                Day One
                                                          If you don’t remember a few years ago Thurston Moore tore the
                                                          house down with an energetic Sonic Youth performance on Friday
                                                          and then a few days later he played alongside a mentally
                                                          challenged derelict (Yoko Ono). I dare you to yell Neko Case sucks
                                                          in a crowd of 30 muscular lesbians. Also Animal Collective is
This year’s festival sta will be enforcing a strict       pretty cool, at least that’s what your 19 yr old girlfriend says and
hipster dress code. You won’t be allowed in unless        you would pretty much do anything to continue having sex with
your attire is either vintage or attempts to make         her.
statement. If you do not have a sleeve tattoo you
can purchase temporary sailor tattoos at the will         Day Two
call pickup. Remember your obscure 90’s basketball        This day is lled with tons of bands that you’ve never heard of, but
jersey doesn’t breathe well so spend some time in         will pretend that you like. The bans to check out on Satuday
the shade.                                                include: Destroyer, the Dismemberment Plan, and Pasty Mu n
All Babies Must Wear Headphones                           Top. Can you guess which one is not a real band? To close out the
Because babies shouldn’t be forced to                     night is Fleet Foxes. If you’re a mid 20’s to early 30’s pseudo intel-
listen the mindless indie shit you like.                  lectual white person who hangs out at dive bars and is living in
Or wait how about you leave your                          the northwest side of Chicago and you don’t already listen to Fleet
infant at home? Why because it’s a                        Foxes then what’s the point. Might as well move to the suburbs,
fucking baby!                                             wear your cellphone on your belt and beat your wife.

                                                          Day Three
                                                          Odd future is the group to see tonight. Make sure to comment on
                                                          how you only like real hip hop even though secretly you can only
                                                          name 5 rap songs and 3 of them feature P. Diddy. Tip: Wear that
Drugs are prohibited on the condition that                biggie smalls t-shirt you own for street cred. (The one you claim
security doesn’t nd them when you enter                   you bought in barbershop in Brooklyn but was actually purchased
the premises. It’s important to swallow all               at the discount rack of urban out tters). Oh yeah TV on the Radio
cocaine lled condoms 3 hours prior to                     and Deer Hunter don’t suck so check them out.
arriving at the concert. Avoid smoking weed
with the guy wearing the phish shirt.
                                                          ***After Parties
                                                          Don’t forget to take part in many of the coked up dance parties
Going Green                                               that will be hosted throughout the city over the weekend. Tip:
Every stage is made of empty PBR cans                     Find the largest congregation of androgynous weirdos and follow
and bicycle tires and this year’s event                   them to their favorite late night haunts including Bonny’s Bar and
 guide is printed on recycled Starbucks                   Debonair Social Club.
pay stubs and failed novels manuscripts. The
o cial pitchfork water is recycled from the sweaty        Transportation
dancing hippies who hang out near the front of            Take the Greenline or Ashland bus. Tip: It’s important to
the stage.                                                pretend not to feel uncomfortable when minorities stare
               Food will be provided by all the same      you down.
               local shit you see at every other street   You can ride your bike with the other 90% of the
               fest and concert venue. Don’t forget       concert goers but remember people with cars
               to try the god awful veggie version of     hate you.
               real food that everyone is talking         Or you can drive your Zip Car because let’s face
               about.                                     it no one you know owns an automobile

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