Religious Humor
Judaism 1.0
: Hi, I'm about to install SCO UNix. But I heard that any Unix is full : of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and : because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it. : As a Christian user I don't wanna have to do anything with Satan and : his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT ? I'm afraid that all platorms have daemons running somewhere. To see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task Manager" and you'll see all the programs running in the background. The solution to your problem is not to switch to NT but to upgrade to a new personal operating system that does not require the fear of daemons. I recommend Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an un-advertised competative upgrade for the last 6,000 years. Check your phone directory for the address of your nearest authorized services center for details. There are many other advantages to an upgrade to Judaism 1.0. Thousands of local authorized services centers (temples). Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi). User group meetings every Saturday. Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah). Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur). Economical. Does not require a large Vatican MIS department. Flexible development, arguing and porting environment. Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification. To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a complete documentation package, including: Source Code (Torah). Translation to English (Old Testament). Annotated release notes (Talmud). Getting Started guide (Mafsir). There are some details which must be known before upgrading. Due to reliability considerations, multiple personal operating systems are not supported. Therefore, the upgrade is actually a total replacement. Fortunately, the tested in-place-upgrade preserves everything and does not require unloading assets and starting over. Although there are no license fees, maintenance charges (tithe) or upgrade charges, donations are usually requested at the Saturday user group meetings, and after the annual reboot ceremony. There are media charges for printed documentation. Some minor accessories (yamekah, talis, t'fillin) may need to be purchased. Once the Judaism personal operating system is installed and properly licensed, you are allowed to make backup copies for all your child processes. However, they will be running "Judaism Lite" until age 13 when the full personal operating system may be safetly installed (Bar Mitzvah). There are a number of holdays, festivals and events which may involve some downtime. These are explained in the documentation in excruciating details. The lunar calendar is non-standard but conversion utilities are available. Judaism 1.0 is compatibile with both Unix and NT. It involves no fear of daemons, numbers (666) or scientific notation. Many features of the beta versions of Judaism were cloned by your existing personal operating system. Reliability is greatly enhanced by 5,758 years of experience as compared to only 1,997 years for your current installation. This allowed time to do testing and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently underway in Ireland. Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal operating system, but with an installed base of only 3% of the US population. This small but fanatically loyal user based has resulted in extremely low turnover. This also yields exellent system reliability, honesty, survivability and high net worth benchmark results. Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 49 years, I can testify as to all the above advantages. I have never experienced a system crash, hang, purge or pogrom that could be attributed to a bug or glitch in the personal operating system. I highly recommend installing the upgrade.
Heavengate
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: watkins@mojo.dartmouth.edu (Rick Watkins) Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God's political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor. Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.
Differences between the 3 branches of Judaism
From: ronnie@cisco.com (Ronnie B. Kon) At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant
Kosher
Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai.... God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel. Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together. G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs. G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!! M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside.... G: Moses, go do whatever the hell you want....
Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: rolfe@ieway.com (Tim Rolfe) Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 3:20:00 PST SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . . PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. [Note - making the rounds unattributed - ed.]
Synagogue Fines
acw@MIT.EDU wrote: CONGREGATION AGUDATH ISRAEL OF MONSEY To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable behavior and fines for violations: BEHAVIOR FINES Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha $ 36 Surcharge for snoring 54 Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction 72 Cinspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha 180 Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270 Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54 Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72 Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180 Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360 Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900 Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36 Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36 Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54 Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180 Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72 Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360 (Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes) Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36 Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90 Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90 Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180 Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90 Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180 Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54 Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90 Remaining in Shul with crying baby First minute --------------------------------------------- 54 Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72 Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36 Communicatibg with spouce across the mechitza Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18 Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36 Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54 Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36 Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on suddur --------------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108 Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu 1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free 2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36 Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54 Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72
MBTI Types Prayers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: larry@birdsong.sunnyvale.ca.us (Lawrence T. Hardiman) The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a popular psychometric instrument popularized by Kiersey & Bates in "Please Understand Me". The following was emailed to me by a colleague. Those familiar with MBTI will get a giggle out of it. [BTW. I'm an ISTJ. ... To the max!] MBTI Types Prayers
ISTJ Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 am e.s.t. ISTP God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive. ESTP God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually not my fault. ESTJ God, help me to not try to run everything. But, if You need some help, just ask. ISFJ Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it exactlyright. ISFP Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
ESFP God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing. ESFJ God give me patience, and I mean right now. INFJ Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?) INFP God, help me to finish everything I sta ENFP God,help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird- ing at a time. ENFJ God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?