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					Programming Humor
Programming languages are like women
Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists. [Ed: This is similar to another item Dan co-wrote, comparing programming languages to cars. The one with the cars is superior. It appears in Volume I of the TeleJokeBook series.] by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women. Assembler A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort. FORTRAN Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries). That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife. COBOL A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes. BASIC The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try

to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal. PL/I A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change. C A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character. ALGOL 60 Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking. Pascal A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module). Modula II A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot. ALGOL 68 Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower. LISP She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency. APL

A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing. LOGO A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals. LUCID & PROLOG These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature. Ada A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.

Programming languages are like women, part 2
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 18:31:16 -0700 From: Steve Sabram <steve@sabram.com> To: public@oscarc.net Subject: If programming languages were women... I liked the metaphor of using women's personality for Programming Languages. Here is my contribution. Check out my home page, but mostly me slang page at http://www.sabram.com/site/slang.html. -- Steve

VISUAL BASIC Looks like the girl you and your father first had (BASIC) but is now dressed up, a bit older, image conscience, in an office dress and romances the corporate crowd. She is now more expensive and has a reputation for high maintenance. Starting a relationship is easy but very difficult to work out the details. Mistreat or worse misunderstand her and she'll pick up everything around and start crashing them. Breaking up is very hard since almost no other girl fits in so well with your place and there is always something to remind you of her around when you try to uninstall her. You can marry her but your life will become boring.

LINGO (the language for Macromind Director and Shockwave) A college graphic arts major with a very eclectic taste. She'll never get your attention unless you visually stimulate her. Is very low maintenance but like all "creative types" understanding her takes more effort than working with her. Once understood, the relationship is worth it since she will work out details for you. Even misunderstandings can be made to look good. Good for a summer fling but not marriage material. FLASH A college performance arts major. Similar in operation her roommate LINGO but a lot leaner and hyperactive. You keep on wondering where she gets her energy to keep on performing. She needs to travel a lot and is only good for a series of dates. People really remember you when you are with her. Relationships last less than a month at a time. JAVA A very attractive, sexy, almost virginal, third generation commune girl currently playing the crowd. She has a spiritual transcendentalism and purity that attracts the true romantics. She is new to the world and isn't making any long term commitments. She's learned a lot from her parents and grandparents (SMALLTALK and LISP) and is using their wisdom to her advantage. Like any idealized lady, getting to practical use takes time and is always slower to get done since so many ideals need to be addressed. Marriage is a possibility but you need to have either a big house or deep pockets to satisfy her. JAVABEANS A ten year old girl and the illegitimate daughter of JAVA. She is a bit forgotten as she plays with the "real world" being see bouncing around junk all the time. Mother still take care of her but is a bit ashamed of her first mistake. JINI A five year old girl but a legitimate daughter of JAVA. She is being brought up on ideals like her mother. Older sister JAVABEANS is feeling neglected and envious. Who know how she will turn out. JAVASCRIPT A slutty sorority sister who's personal duty is to do the whole fraternity house to make the boys happy. She's a bad neighborhood girl who dresses like JAVA and takes advantage of her looks and reputation. Personally she's amazed of the exposure she received by changing part of her name to sultry but isolated JAVA. Everyone adores JAVA but this girl will give you head while at the movies and loves sex in the back seat of cars. When you have the urge for some sex, this girl will be there and satisfy you quickly. When something more sexy comes along, she'll be dropped faster than how she took of her bra. COMAL (An "advanced BASIC" for the Commodore 64)

A middle aged and bitter "80's girl" almost forgotten. When you find her in an old diner or swap meet, she talks and talks about how she almost made it if it wasn't for the child rape by her father to satisfy his needs. Mention the present and she wishes she could start over.

Latin 90
From: dar@grettir.lanl.gov (David Rabson) Professor Kard has been at the university for as long as anyone can remember, going back indeed to when everyone in the department spoke Latin on a daily basis. It is Kard's unshakable belief that things have gone down-hill ever since. "1H ,30HSMALL LETTERS ARE A NEOLOGISM," he always Hollers in faculty meetings, pointing out that classical writers couldn't possibly have used them. In our department, you can't say that the rules aren't carved in stone, as it is in stone that Kard did his best work thirty-five years ago, continues to do his work, and intends to go on doing his work. The academic journals have grown in the last thirty-five years. While it is hard to believe, Kard used to carve out his fluid- dynamics calculations on tiny 4-kilobyte stone tablets. Now he thinks nothing of allocating half a gigabyte (statically, since that's the only way he knows how), but he still does everything in Latin. Latin, in case you think I'm prejudiced, is a fine language for talking about gladiators and chariots and even for discussing Spinoza, but it stretches the vocabulary to solve differential equations in it, let alone write operating systems or look at chaotic trajectories. Kard's papers are unreadable by anyone else. Things got a little better around 1977, when a few (then) junior professors bullied him into structuring his DO loops and adding a few modern words. His code, however, still looked like Latin. Just the other day, Kard met me in the hallway (ave!) and started talking excitedly (forgive the free translation). "I'm finally going to get the rest of you to go back to talking Latin," he said. "How's that, Kard?" "I've thought about your objections, about the missing vocabulary and syntax" -- a few of us had recently been pestering him over structures and classes, although at the time none of it seemed to be sinking in, except to elicit the occasional comment about how anything worth doing could be done in the ablative -- "and I think I can meet your objections, on your own terms. "While strictly speaking it has no classical precedent, I've spent the last ten months building on the language, adding four new cases, five tenses, six conjugations, three-hundred-sixty new verbs, and 1144 new nouns. The grammar book, alas, no longer fits in the pocket, but at least you and the rest can stop complaining about the lack of flexibility. I call the modified language 'Latin-90'." He was true to his word. Latin-90 had all the structure and object orientation a writer could ask for. It accepted lower case letters (translating them internally to upper case), allowed for recursive argumentation, and discarded any special meaning column 72 might once have had. Julius Caesar wouldn't have been able to distinguish it from Gallic. To the rest of us, unfortunately, it still looks like Latin. It doesn't help that Kard has yet to produce a working set of chisels for it, and that the only papers written in Latin-90 still sit in Kard's brain. At least he put Holleramus constants to rest and no longer requires six spaces before each genitive. He'll probably be able to get some better work done in Latin-90, if he ever implements it. In the meantime, I shall continue to write in the vernacular.

Software Metrics
From: patti@hosehead.intel.com (Patti Beadles) The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software project: The Pizza Metric How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab. What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation. If people are spending enough after-hours time working on the project that they need to have meals delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere. The Aspirin Metric How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use by the team. At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the bottle. What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project. This most likely indicates poor project design in the early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage probably indicates that the product's goals or other parameters were poorly defined. The Beer Metric How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the total bar bill. What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric measures the frustration level of the team. Among other things, this may indicate that the technical challenge is more difficult than anticipated. The Creeping Feature Metric How: Count the number of features added to the project after the design has been signed off, but that were not requested by any requirements definition. What: This measures schedule slack. If the team has time to add features that are not necessary, then there was too much time allocated to a schedule task. The "Duck!" Metric How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to count the number of engineers that leave the room when a marketing person enters. This is only valid after a requirements document has been finalized. What: Measures the completeness of the initial requirements. If too many requirements changes are made after the product

has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary of marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to a design which met all initial specifications. The Status Report Metric How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project in each engineer's status report. What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which the project is running. If things are going well, an item will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say, "I finally got in touch with Fred after talking to his phone mail for nine days straight. It appears that the widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by three weeks, then the entire project is in danger of missing the July deadline."

C Compiler Errors (For Real)
From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham) These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham "String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)" "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" "a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program" "'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible" "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler" "This struct already has a perfectly good definition" "type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)" "Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)" "Huh ?" "can't go mucking with a 'void *'" "we already did this function" "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message" "Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious" "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)" "Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer"

Bug
From: spirkov@ptolemy.arc.nasa.gov (Lilly Spirkovska) Made this one up during my morning commute: A license plate for a VW Bug: FEATURE

If architects had to work like programmers
Dear Mr. Architect: Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue. Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours. While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes. You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans. PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect. PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case. Christmas humor /* Written 10:10 pm Dec 12, 1994 by tadpole@coke.imsa.EDU in pepsi:unix.tips */ [sing] better !pout !cry better watchout telnet why santa claus <north pole >town cat/etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty > no_gift_list cat list | grep nice > gift_list santa claus <north pole >town who | grep sleeping who | awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for ( goodness sake) { be good /* End of text from pepsi:unix.tips */

Twas the Night Before Implementation
Twas the Night Before Implementation, and all through the house not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle soon would be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of enhancements danced in their heads. When out of the elevator arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wandering eyes should appear but a super programmer (with a six pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare,

he turned out great code with a bit pushers flair. More rapid than engines, his programs they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name: "On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Job! On Closing! On Functions Complete!" His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know that I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk, and laying his finger upon the "enter" key, the system came up and worked perfectly. The updates updated, the deletes they deleted, the inquires inquired and the closings completed. He tested each program and tested each call, with nary an UAE, all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, the users last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "Its just what I asked for, but its not what I want"

The Microsoft testing song
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: jamesti@microsoft.com (James Tierney) Subject: Funny testing song ...Then we hit on the idea of a team building theme song. Kind of like the the school fight song. By strange coincidence, we all like Barry Manilow and really thought his best work was 'I write the songs..' So with that in mind we penned our own lyrics that we could sing along to this melody. It came out so good and catchy that I thought I better share it here with all of you! The contributions were from testers, developers and techpubbers. I write the tests that make the systems freeze Hoses the drives and brings it to its knees I pound the keyboard 'till my fingers bleed I write the tests, I write the tests. I write the tests that trash the network stacks I write the tests that bring old panics back I write the tests that paint the whole screen black I write the tests, I write the tests. I write the code that makes the testers cringe I write the code while on a drinking binge I write the code that's from the lunatic fringe I write the code, I write the code. I write the code that makes the apps core dump I write the code that makes performance slump

I hand the code off to the testing chumps write the code, I write the code. I write the tests that act quite queer, I write the tests the developers fear Testing things that make little sense. I write the tests, I write the tests. I write the tests that cause a reboot, It's such fun, I think it's a hoot When I see those developers stand mute. I write the tests, I write the tests. The developers chorus... We code with longs and shorts and unsigned things, We code with chars and make the disk drives sing. We write the code that makes Sustaining cry... We write the code, we write the code... I write the tests that give us bugs galore That keep us hacking through the night and more I'm never happy til we've dumped a core I write the tests, I write the tests. I write the tests that keep us overjoyed I write the tests that keep us all employed Fixing bugs forever never annoyed I write the tests I write the tests I write the tests that keep us overjoyed I write the tests that keep us all employed Fixing bugs forever never annoyed I write the tests I write the tests We write the books that keep you so confused, Books so big they're hardly ever used, Creative fiction that keeps you amused, We write the books, we write the books.

Write in C
Repost from isu.talk Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:08:34 jmbug@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu James M Buggar at Illinois State University Sung to Beatles "Let it Be": When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C.

Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C. LISP is dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C. { Guitar Solo } Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C. And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me. I'm sick of ones and zeros, Write in C. A thousand people swore that T.P. Seven is the one for me. I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. PL1 is 80s, Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. The government loves ADA, Write in C.


				
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