Academic Humor
When a final doesn't matter...
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam). 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
Checklist for Engineering Graduate Students
Signs that you might be getting too little sleep: 1. You become convinced your clock radio is actually a computer terminal, and you need to finish your programming assignment on it now. 2. You become convinced that your mind is connected to the Internet and is being taken over by a worm. 3. You can hear different parts of your body talking to each other. 4. Objects in the room appear to rush at you and then recede from you suddenly and without warning. 5. You look at your clock radio and wonder what units the display is in: foot-pounds or cubic centimeters? 6. You look at your clock radio and wonder whether the time is given as a real or complex quantity. 7. You go to the restroom and forget why you went there. 8. You go to the restroom and forget the way back to your office. 9. You worry incessantly about doing the homework in classes you aren't even taking. 10. You can't figure out which tube sock goes on which foot. Note: These are gleaned from actual experience.
148 Things (not) to do or say at or for your thesis defense
Written by Master Peter Dutton contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others. 1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..." 2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..." 6. Stage your own death/suicide. 7. Lead the specators in a Wave. 8. Have a sing-a-long. 9. "You call that a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?" 10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12. Puppet show. 13. Group prayer. 14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17. Imitate Groucho Marx. 18. Mime. 19. Hold a Tupperware party. 20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21. "Everybody rhumba!!" 22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23. Charge a cover and check for ID. 24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..." 25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 29. Door prizes and a raffle. 30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..." 32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 33. Whine piteously, beg, cry... 34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 37. Fashion show. 38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..." 40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 42. Pass the collection basket. 43. Two-drink minimum. 44. Black tie only. 45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..." 46. Incite a revolt. 47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 48. Release a flock of doves.
49. Defense by proxy. 50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." 51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about. 52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..." 53. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?" 54. Bring your pet boa. 55. Tell ghost stories. 56. Do a "show and tell". 57. Food fight. 58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 59. Halftime show. 60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" 61. "OK - which one of you farted?" 62. Rimshot. 63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands. 64. Pass out souvenier matchbooks. 65. 3-ring defense. 66. "Tag - you're it!" 67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion. 68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)" 69. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks. 71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - before your defense happens. 72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense. 73. Make committee members wear silly hats. 74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators. 75. Do a soft-shoe routine. 76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-thedonkey. 77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. 78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 79. Tap dance. 80. Vaudeville. 81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out." 82. Flex and show off those massive pecs. 83. Dress in top hat and tails. 84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire. 85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 86. Shadow puppets. 87. Show slides of your last vacation. 88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave." 91. Call your advisor "sweetie". 92. Have everyone pose for a group photo. 93. Instant replay. 94. Laugh maniacally. 95. Talk with your mouth full. 96. Start speaking in tongues. 97. Explode. 98. Implode. 99. Spontaneously combust. 100. Answer every question with a question. 101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done. 102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..." 103. Hand out 3-D glasses. 104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..." 105. Go into labor (especially for men). 106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent. 107. "I don't know - I didn't write this." 108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats. 109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan. 110. Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps. 111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy". 112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional. 113. Invite the homeless. 114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you" 115. Hide. 116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?" 117. Same as #116, except use real bullets. 118. "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..." 119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else. 120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy". 121. Play Thesis Mad Libs. 122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector. 123. Do your entire defense operatically. 124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child") 125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs. 126. Mosh pit. 127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
128. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary. 129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!" 130. Claim political asylum. 131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's. 132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather. 133. Live radio and TV coverage. 134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions" 135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style. 136. Use a TelePromTer 137. "Take my wife - please!" 138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick. 139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor. 140. Offer a toast. 141. Firewalk. 142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early. 143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well. 144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style. 145. "By the power of Greyskull..." 146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not. 147. Stand on the table. 148. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I could have done..."