DOT COMEDY by wuyunyi


									       An Original Musical Comedy

        Julie Anne & Charles Mathieu

           Producer’s Assistant
           Kim Donahue-Waters

               Rocky Daehler
               JoEllen Krantz

            Director’s Assistant
                 Amy Zima

               Script Team
Eddie Arana, Carrie Bradford, Cheryl Breslin,
Michael Calahan, Brian Couty, Laura Daehler,
Mary Gallagher, Sue Sirvinskas, Greg Stewart,
                John Waters

                   Page 1 of 67
       The 55th Annual Field School Variety Show

       March 6th 7pm                             March 13th 7pm
       March 7th 7pm                             March 14th 7pm
       March 8th 2pm                             March 15th 2pm

                            Tryout Sunday
             January 4, 2009 in the Field School Auditorium
              Coffee at noon, tryouts at 12:30 pm SHARP!

                         Welcome to the V-Show!
  No experience is required, and you decide how involved you want to be.
You’re going to love the show and make tons of friends and fans along the

             Newcomer Brunch – All welcome!
                Tryout Sunday, January 4th at 10:30 am
                At the home of Lisa and Kevin Mergens
                         8143 Oak Lane, Niles
             Please RSVP to Lisa Mergens (847.825.1967)
                    Or Caren Edsey (847.825.0743)

                     Thespians – New & Old
     If you would like a part in the show but can’t make it to tryouts,
           please call Julie Anne or Charles at 847.696.1166,
             or e-mail us at
     We must have your information before tryouts so casting can be

               Visit for more V-Show information

                                  Page 2 of 67

dotcomedy, a show about what can happen with a brand new family computer.            Left click on the mouse
and discover the world wide web ! The information super highway. Search engines like AOL, MSN, Yahoo and
Google. We read blogs, click on our favorite websites, check out You Tube videos, listen to iTunes, shop on-line
and check our e-mail every few minutes.

dotcomedy is all about what you can find, discover or accidently click on browsing the internet…surfing
the web. A Google search gone astray. Enter a subject or topic and hundreds of choices pop up. Movie stars to
musicians, talk show hosts to old tv shows, superheroes to superstars, you can find anything, anyone, anywhere
on the internet.

Google your favorite destination , maybe Saudi Arabia or the city of Dallas.

Google “Broadway” and your choices are in the thousands: Wicked, Jersey Boys, Mama Mia, Chorus Line…

Want to find a date ? Click on eHarmony or

Researching your family tree ? You are a couple clicks away from finding all your long lost cousins. All the
Jones’ show up at your family picnic.

Have a medical condition ? No problem – WebMD has all the answers for what ails you.

Planning a trip ? Chat on-line with the Travelocity gnome for all the great deals.

Maybe your kids have a research paper on what their parents were like in the 70’s.

Are you really smarter than our Field School fifth graders ? We’ll see.

Check out the Citibank or PC-Mac commercials – you are sure to be entertained !

But watch out, beware….there are viruses, cookies, spyware and Identity Theft all disguised to take over and
freeze your computer.

So keep the control/alt/delete buttons at the ready !

dotcomedy, a scripted musical comedy researched, created, brought to life from the Web.

                                              Page 3 of 67
                     55th Annual
             Field School Variety Show

                 PRODUCTION TEAM
Producers:                Julie Anne & Charles Mathieu
Producers’ Assistant:     Kim Donahue-Waters
Directors:                Rocky Daehler, Jo Ellen Krantz
Directors’ Assistant:     Amy Zima
Music Directors:             Mick Bradford, Sally Mauery,
                             Stephanie Richter, Genie Taddeo,
                             Bill Turner
Dance Choreography Director: Kymberlee Raya
Music Choreography Director: Melanie Turner
Script:   Eddie Arana, Carrie Bradford, Cheryl Breslin, Michael
                             Calahan, Brian Couty, Laura Daehler,
                             Mary Gallagher, Sue Sirvinskas,
                             Greg Stewart, John Waters
Tryout Coordinators:      Kim Donahue Waters, Amy Zima
Set Design & Construction: Mike Donovan
Costume Coordinators:     Claudia Nash, Jean Borrelli,
                             Linda Sivore
Props:                    Kim Donahue Waters, Amy Zima
Tech Deck, Sound and
Graphic Coordinator:      George Sargeant
Tech Deck, Sound &
Graphic Assistance:       Kathy Ostrow, Ken Ostrow
Makeup Coordinator:       Karan Citrano
Prompter:                 Carol Bartkowicz

                            Page 4 of 67
Treasurer:               Karen Waller Marino
Tickets Sales:           Mary Gallagher, Sue Sirvinskas, Carrie
Program Ad Team:         Tim Mauery, Sally Mauery, Beth O’Driscoll,
                         Amy Vaughn, Kim Donahue-Waters
Logo Design:             Ed Crosby
Outside Sign:            Bob Trahan
T -Shirt Sales:          Amy Breaux, Kathy Ostrow, Amy Hogue
Web Master:              Kevin Martin

Newcomer Coordinators: Caren Edsey, Lisa Mergens
Graduate Coordinators: Terry & Carla Owen, Bob & Marcia Wernet
Marathon Dinner:          Karen Finn, Chris Wilson
Banquet:                  Karen Marino, Lisa Marra, Nancy McMullen,
                          Christie Wolters
Awards:                   Marcia Wernet, Lisa Mergens
Cast Parties:             Donna Donovan, Declan Stapleton
Fall Kickoff Party Hosts: Cheryl & John Breslin
Hospitality:              Margie Figgins, Sheryl Theil
Washington Party:         Sue & Mike Sirvinskas
Alumni Coordinators:      Celene & Dan Jaconetti, Kathy Hanson

                            Page 5 of 67
To the Dot Comedy Script Team,

  We started with your ideas and look what they have
evolved into! You have created a wonderful show you
can be proud of.

  All of your personalities and senses of humor shine
through in your writing. It was fantastic spending so
much time getting to know you. We thank your
families for encouraging you to pursue this endeavor.
You will always be part of our family.

  The script will now come to life with the help of our
directors, the production team, cast and crew. You
take part in Dot Comedy unfolding and be proud.

               Stay laughing my friends!

                Julie Anne and Charles

                        Page 6 of 67
                             CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

                                Total #
Scene        Characters          Lines                       Description
       Clark Griswold             21      Father of Griswold family from Vacation movie
       Ellen Griswold             30      Mother of Griswold family from Vacation movie
        Audrey Griswold           12      Daughter of Griswold family from Vacation movie
        Rusty Griswold            13      Son of Griswold family from Vacation movie
        Cousin Eddie              22      Brother-in-law to Ellen Griswold from Vacation movie
        Cousin Catherine          16      Sister to Ellen Griswold from Vacation movie
                                          Daughter to Eddie and Catherine from Vacation
        Cousin Vicky              5       movie
        Cousin Cody               6       Son to Eddie and Catherine from Vacation movie
        Grandma Jones             6       Griswold Grandparents
        Grandpa Jones             6       Griswold Grandparents

ACT 1 SCENE 1                             Identity Theft
       Marge Simpson              8       Mom from Simpsons
       Chief Wiggum               9       Police chief from Simpsons
       Corny Collins              3       From Hairspray
       Mayor Quimby               4       Mayor from Simpsons
       Lisa Simpson               1       Daughter of Simpsons
       Bart Simpson               2       Son of Simpsons
       Grandpa                    2       Grandpa Simpson from the Simpsons
       Mr. Burns                  2       From the Simpson's show
       Homer Simpson              2       From the Simpson’s show
       Smithers                   2       From the Simpson's show
       Girl at Hairdresser        1       Identity Theft Girl on Stage, male voice accompanies
                                  1       Identity Theft Guy on Stage, female voice
        Burly Guy                         accompanies
                                  5       Identity Theft, old lady on stage, male voice
        Old Lady 1                        accompanies
                                  4       Identity Theft, old lady on stage, male voice
        Old Lady 2                        accompanies
                                  1       Identity Theft, lady on stage, male voice
        Lady in Dentist Chair             accompanies

                                          Page 7 of 67
                               Total #
Scene       Characters          Lines                        Description
ACT 1 SCENE 2 Prelude
       Mailperson                2
       Audrey Griswold                   Daughter of Clark and Ellen Griswold from Vacation
       Cousin Vicky                      Daughter of Clark and Ellen Griswold from Vacation

ACT 1 SCENE 2                            That 70’s Scene
       Sister Mary Elephant      8       From Cheech and Chong
       Lisa Loopner              5       SNL character
       Todd                      5       SNL character
       Horseshack                1       Welcome Back Kotter character
       Epstein                   4       Welcome Back Kotter character
       Vinnie                    7       Welcome Back Kotter character
       Freddy                    2       Welcome Back Kotter character
       Fonzie                    6       The Fonz- Happy Days
       Rosalie                   2       Helper of Fonzie
       Bambi                     2       Helper of Fonzie

Prelude ACT 1 SCENE 3
        Cousin Eddie                     Brother-in-law to Ellen Griswold from Vacation
        Clark Griswold                   Father of Griswold Family from Vacation
        Mailperson                       Mailperson

ACT 1 SCENE 3                            Dallas
        Cousin Eddie                     Brother-in-law to Ellen Griswold from Vacation
        Cousin Cody                      Son to Eddie and Catherine Griswold from Vacation
        Shiek Hous Bin           9
        Farteen                          Shiek interested in buying Dallas property
        Shiek Hazalata Brown     9
        Beans                            Shiek interested in buying Dallas property
        J R Ewing                4       JR from Dallas show
        Pamela Ewing             1       JR's wife from Dallas show
        Sarah Palin              5       Ex-vice presidential candidate
        Jock Ewing               4       Father to JR from Dallas
        Miss Ellie               2       From Dallas tv show
        EPA Lady                 2       Environmental Protection Agency Inspector
        Sheik Sister 1           1       A very hairy legged lady
        Sheik Sister 2           0       A very hairy legged lady
        Lucy                     1       From Dallas tv show
Prelude Act 1 Scene 4
        Ellen Griswold                   Mother of the Griswold Family from Vacation movie
        Cousin Catherine                 Sister to Ellen Griswold from Vacation movie
        Traveling Gnome          5       Gnome from Travelocity
        PTO interviewer          5       PTO interviewer

ACT 1 SCENE 4                            Jones Family Reunion
       Mr. Jones                 4       Ex- Field teacher-will be Junie B. Jones' Mr. Scary
       Catherine Zeta Jones      2       Actress
       Shirley Jones             3       Partridge Family Mom

                                         Page 8 of 67
                              Total #
Scene         Characters       Lines                        Description
        Davey Jones              2      Singer from the Monkees
        George Jones             2      Country Western Singer
        Tom Jones                2      Pop Singer
        Indiana Jones            3      From the movie Indiana Jones
        Junie B. Jones           7      From the Junie B. Jones books
        James Earl Jones         4      Actor
        Marion Jones             3      Olympic Sprint Champion
        Nick Jonas               3      Jonas Brother
        Kevin Jonas              1      Jonas Brother
        Joe Jonas                3      Jonas Brother
        Jim Jones                0      No lines-prop is a koolaid sign.

Prelude Act 2 Scene 1
        Aunt Edna               11      Griswold family member
        Rusty Griswold                  Son of Clark and Ellen Griswold

ACT 2 SCENE 1                 
       MC Jim Lang              8       MC
       Gabriela Montez          4       Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical
       Troy Bolton              3       Zac Efron from High School Musical
       Brad Pitt                3       Actor
       Wazz up Boy              1       From Wazz Up commercial
       Wazz up Girl             5       From Wazz Up commercial
       The Most Interesting
       Man in the World         2       He IS the Most Interesting Man in the World
       Cookie                   5       A cookie lookin' for love
       Ruth Buzzi               4       From Laugh In TV show
       Angelina Jolie           3       Actress
       Milk                     5       Milk Carton with a “Missing: Comedy” label
       The Most Interesting
       Man in the World's       7       The Speaker for the Most Interesting Man in the
       Handler                          World
Prelude ACT 2 SCENE 2
       Grandpa Jones                    Griswold Grandparents
       Grandma Jones                    Griswold Grandparents

       Wife                     6       Harlan's wife who thinks he's faking his ailments
       Hot Lips                 3       Mash Character
       Dr. Feelgood             4       an MD
       Dr. House                3       Lead character from TV Show House
       Nurse Ratchet            1       One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest Nurse
                                        Don Knotts kind of guy turning into a chicken as
        Harlan Sanders          6       scene goes
        Candy Striper           2       Hospital Candy Striper
        Soap Opera Doctor       1       an MD
        Dr. Curry               2       Dr.working on Harlan
        Dr. Funk                2       Famous Polish Doctor
        Dr. Grey                4       from Grey's Anatomy

                                        Page 9 of 67
                              Total #
Scene        Characters        Lines                       Description
        Dr. Mc Dreamy            2       from Grey's Anatomy
        Crazy Dr.                3       a crazy MD

Prelude ACT 2 SCENE 3
        Cubs Fan                8        Cubs Fan
        Sox Fan                 8        Sox Fan
        Audrey Griswold                  Daughter to Clark and Ellen Griswold
        Ellen Griswold                   Mother of Griswold family
        Indian Guy              5        Computer Tech guy
        Larry the Cable Guy     5        Larry the Cable Guy

        ACT 2 SCENE 3                    Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
        Jeff Foxworthy          16       Host to Are You Than a Fifth Grader
        Phoebe Buffay           8        Somewhat ditsy character from Friends
                                         Kid contestant on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth
        Kid #1 Jenny            1        Grader
                                         Kid contestant on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth
        Kid #2 Jim              1        Grader
        Mrs. Creely             1        Principal of Eugene Field School
        Forrest Gump            1        From movie..Forrest Gump

Prelude Act 2 Scene 4
        Ellen Griswold                   Mother of the Griswold Family from Vacation Movie
        Cousin Catherine                 Sister of Ellen Griswold from Vacation Movie

ACT 2 SCENE 4                            Off Broadway
       Ellen Griswold                    Mother of Griswold Family from Vacation Movie
       Cousin Catherine                  Sister of Ellen Griswold from Vacation Movie
       Elphaba                  3        From Wicked
       Tinkerbell               5        From Peter Pan, but played like Glinda from Wicked
       Danny                    2        From Grease-John Travolta
       Sandy                    2        From Grease-Olivia Newton John
       Jersey Boy Dir.          7        A Director
       Pinky Girl #1            3        From Grease
       Pinky Girl #2            1        From Grease
       Pinky Girl #3            1        From Grease
       Miss Piggy               1        From Muppets
       Donna (Mamma Mia)        2        Mama Mia star
       Mama Mia Backup
       singer                   1        Mama Mia backup singer
       Mama Mia Backup
       singer                   1        Mama Mia backup singer
        Choreographer           2        Really bad choreographer-two left feet

                                        Page 10 of 67
                     TABLE OF CONTENTS

                             ACT 1

Act 1 OPENER              “Dot Comedy Tonight”                12

Act 1 Scene 1 Prologue    Griswold’s Christmas                12

Act 1 Scene 1             Identity Theft                      16
                          Dance – “Been Caught Stealin’ ”

Act 1 Scene 2             That 70’s scene                     22

Act 1 Scene 3             Dallas                              28
                          “Drillin’ for More Crude Oil”

Act 1 Scene 4             Jones Family Reunion                35

Act 1 CLOSER              “One Big Internet”                  39

                             ACT 2

Act 2 OPENER              “Consider Yourself”                 40

Act 2 Scene 1                           43
                          “Love Match”

Act 2 Scene 2             Web MD                              49
                          Dance – “Bad Case of Loving You”

Act 2 Scene 3             Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader   58
                          Dance – “ABC”

Act 2 Scene 4             Off Broadway                        64

Act 2 CLOSER              “Sweet Comedy”                      67

                         Page 11 of 67


Description: The Griswolds are in their living room admiring the Christmas tree as
Clark continues to work on it. To everyone’s surprise, Cousin Eddie and his clan
arrive in the middle of the festivities. Cousin Catherine requests to open a present
and it concludes with Audrey opening the new family computer.

Clark Griswold                               Grandpa Jones
Ellen Griswold                               Grandma Jones
Audrey Griswold                              Cousin Cody
Rusty Griswold                               Cousin Vicky
Cousin Eddie                                 Aunt Edna
Cousin Catherine

(Clark, Rusty, Audrey, Aunt Edna, Grandma Lewis, Grandpa Lewis on stage looking
at the Christmas tree. The lights are not working)

Lights      Left side of stage illuminating Living Room. Tree Light OFF.

Clark:          Rusty, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty :         Sure, Dad.

Clark:          Hmm... Maybe we should go back and check all of ...

Rusty:          Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my
                teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got to paint the

Ellen Now, now Rusty, it’s Christmas. Help your father.

Audrey          (teasingly) Yeah Rusty, help your father.

Grandpa:        Talk about wasting your money. I hope you kids see what a silly waste
                of time and money that tree is.

         Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room
               and get my stogey.

Clark:          Is there anything else I can do for you, Pops?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

                                      Page 12 of 67
Clark:       If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Lights    Tree Lights ON.

Rusty There Dad.

Audio 1   Loud noise heard from off stage – screeching tires, car backfiring, door
          slamming, doorbell ringing

Clark Oh no… Ellen you didn’t !

Ellen Clark… they are family…

Clark Rusty, quick go put a note on the door that we’re not home. Maybe they’ll go
             next door to the Jones’s

Audrey       Mom, I don’t have to share my room again this year do I?

Ellen Well, I have to share a room with your father.

Lights    Add center and right side of stage lights in front of the curtain..

(Cousin Eddie, Cousin Catherine, Cousin Vicky and Cousin Cody enter the stage
            and greetings are passed around)

Eddie        You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't
            be more surprised than I am now.

Ellen Oh Catherine, it’s so great to see everyone. You and the kids look great.

Catherine    Thanks, Eddie has been getting a lot better at hunting squirrels and his
             new job as the guy who wraps the candy keeps him out of trouble.

Clark:       So Eddie, when did you get the tenament on wheels?

Eddie:       Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of
             mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't

Clark:       Yeah, it looks so-o-o nice parked in my driveway.

Eddie:       Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now,
             because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.

                                    Page 13 of 67
Catherine     What’s that smell, is your house on fire, Clark?

Ellen No, Catherine, those are just Clark’s Christmas lights.

Clark Eddie, can I get you an eggnog? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to
             the middle of nowhere and leave you at White Pines.

Eddie:        Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Cody Hey, cool, look at these presents. Can we open one Uncle Clark.

Clark Well Cody, I was going to wait, but you 4 kids can open these.

(Kids open present – something really corny, & give extremely bewildered looks)

Eddie Aww, Clark, you shouldn’t have.

Grandpa       You got that right Eddie. Did you make those yourselves Clark or did
              you have instructions

Vicky When do we get to open the other presents.

Catherine     Vicky, just wait… we’ll get a chance soon

Clark (lifting a large wrapped box and putting on desk) That’s OK Catherine. Since
               we are all here, there is one present that we should open. Ellen, it’s for
               you. I know that you have been wanting to get into the local Field
               school variety show. So I got you a gift that will help.

Ellen Oh Clark, not for me.

              (Ellen jumps to the present and begins opening the biggest box, which
              turns out to be a computer)

Ellen Clark, a Computer. Oh this is wonderful.

Grandma       Real romantic Clark. (turns to Grandpa) Don’t you ever get me one of
              those Artie !

Eddie Wow Clark… I saw one of those once. The IRS auditor had one on his desk.

Cody (to Rusty) That’s so cool. Have I got some websites for you to see.

Ellen Clark, I can’t wait to get this together and start using it. What are all these
             wires – HDMI, Firewire, USB 2, SCUZZI, HD DVD, Yikes !

                                    Page 14 of 67
Clark Everyone. I dedicate this Computer to the Griswold Family Holidays. (Clark
            presses the power button. Everyone on stage looks around)

Lights    Tree Lights OFF
          Remaining lights flicker down & up and then almost out.
Audio 2   Electric zapping sound

Clark Rusty ? Rusty ?

Lights    All lights OFF.

                                  Page 15 of 67
ACT 1 SCENE 1                      IDENTITY THEFT

Marge Simpson                                Homer Simpson
Chief Wiggum (Simpsons)                      Mr. Burns (Simpsons)
Troy McLure (Simpsons)                       Smithers (Simpsons)
Mayor Quimby (Simpsons)                      Hairdresser (female)
Lisa Simpson                                 Burly Guy
Grampa Simpson                               Old Lady 1
Bart Simpson                                 Old Lady 2
                                             Lady in Dentist Chair

Scene opens in police station with the Chief Wiggum, Homer and Marge

Video 1   Show Identity Theft Video

Lights    After video – Full Center Stage Lights ON.

MargeI would like to report a theft

Chief Wiggum         Yeah ma’am, what was stolen?

Marge         My identity

Chief Wiggum         I see, well, I’ll have to make out a report, What is your name

Marge         If I knew my name, why would I report my identity stolen? (building

Chief Wiggum         OK, when was the last time you went on line? (entering onto
                     the computer)

Marge         What does “on line” have to do with it? (frustrated)

Chief Wiggum         When did you first realize your identity was missing?

(2 old ladies enter via door next to band and sit on the steps)

Marge         I know this one, when I first saw a $20,000 charge on my credit card.

Lights    Dim stage lights, spot light on 2 Old Ladies on the right stairs.

2 different Old ladies sitting on the couch
                    G1 – Shoot, yah, shoot

                                      Page 16 of 67
                     G2 – Spend it Thelma…oooh because it wasn’t my credit card
                     G1 – Easy Rider, baby ! Expensive fast and loud. Riding my
                     Harley to Milwaukee
                     G2 – Laying rubber… my hog is Fast
                     G1 – Like Grrr
                     G2 – I got those styling mud flaps too
                     G1 – With the reclining babe silhouette
                     Both – Shoot, yah shoot

Lights   Full Center Stage Lights ON.
Corny Collins walks into the police Station:

Troy McLure          Hi, I’m Troy McLure, you might remember me from such
                     memorable shows as Dancing with the Has-Beens Season 2.

                     (to Chief Wiggum) Sir, Someone stole my best dance moves off
                     of YouTube … I have a huge problem…….

Chief Wiggum         (look at Marge)…. Don’t we all. Let me guess… you’ve been on
                     line recently. Dancing with the,,
           , do I need to go on…

Troy McLure          How did you know, man you’re good.

Audio 3   Sound of phone ringing

Chief Wiggum         (into head set) Wait… I have dispatch coming on I have to take
                     this one…. Hello… (listens for a while)… Look lady, as I told you
                     last time, if you don’t want a spontaneous indoor pool during a
                     rainstorm, call the MAYOR !!
                     (punch into the computer, talking into head set, being very rude)

Mayor Quimby         (entering from off stage) Did somebody mention my name?
                     What’s the complaint now?

Lisa Simpson         (to the Mayor) Mayor Quimby, there’s a crisis here, and the
                     Chief is hanging up on nice citizens trying to get help to their
                     problems. (to the Chief) You’re not so nice.

Chief Wiggum         Listen kid, have you gotten a tour of the juvenile facilities,
                     they’re very comfortable. Mayor Quimby, why don’t you show
                     this fine citizen the lockup.

Mayor Quimby         (grabs Lisa’s hand and starts walking off stage) Come with me.
                     I spent a lot of time there in my youth.

                                    Page 17 of 67
Grandpa       Someone stole my teeth

Troy McLure          Can they steal things like that on line?

Lights    Dim stage lights, spot light on Girl on the right stairs.
Audio 4   Play pre-recorded Male Voice #1.

( enter via door by band)
Girl Hairdresser at the hair salon (male voice)
                     Firewall, like that could stop me.. once I got her account number
                     I couldn’t spend it fast enough…. 64 inch plasma screen, etc…
                     $20,000 to complete my robot…my girl robot… this is going to
                     be the best prom ever.

Lights  Full Center Stage Lights ON.
Mayor Quimby comes back on stage. All people crowding around Chief Wiggum

Marge         Does anyone know who I am yet?

Troy McLure          Has anyone found my video yet?

Grandpa       What about my teeth?

MargeHave you found our wedding video?

Homer         We have a wedding video?

Mayor Quimby         Chief Wiggum, there is an epidemic of identity theft on the internet
                     in Park Ridge. What are you are you going to do about it?

Chief Wiggum         Can’t you people take the law into your own hands, I mean we
                     can’t be policing the whole world wide web by ourselves.

Characters on stage freeze

Lights    Dim stage lights, spot light on Burly Guy on the right stairs.
Audio 5   Play pre-recorded Female Voice #2

(enter via door by band)
Burly guy in reclining chair (Female Voice)
                     I got his card just in time…my apartment needed a serious
                     upgrade… and now I have black lacquer Roman columns, a
                     statue of David, the 6 foot lava lamp from Nordstrom’s, and the
                     3 side by side by side SubZero stainless steel refrigerators for

                                    Page 18 of 67
                      my libations… sure it’s not mine, but good taste doesn’t come
                      cheap, cookie.
Lights      Full Center Stage Lights ON.

Chief Wiggum           “What’s going on… don’t you people ever learn, everyone
                       knows the internet isn’t safe.

Mr. Burns enters with Smithers

Smithers        “Mr Montgomery Burns has authorized me to…..

Mr. Burns       Smithers I can handle this…..Good people of Park Ridge. I come to
                      offer my help. I can solve whose behind the identity thefts. All
                      you need to do is…..

Bart     (running in) “Everyone. Don’t listen to Mr. Burns. The internet is safe, it was
                       me, I stole your identities.”

Homer:          Doh ! Why I oughta…..

Smithers        Yes, you oughta be more like Mr. Burns

MargeBart, my baby . Why would you do such a thing?

Bart: I needed everyone’s credit cards to outbid Mr. Burns on Ebay. He was trying
                   to buy all the Wall Street Banks.

Mr. Burns       I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Henry
                       Paulson character. Smithers, why can’t you create a machine
                       to make 700 Billion Dollars

Lights      Dim stage lights, spot light on Lade standing at top of right stairs.
Audio 6     Play pre-recorded Male Voice #3

Lady standing (male voice)
                  I’m Charles Montgomery Burns, I used my credit card to treat
                  myself to a little chunk of heaven baby. Bought that 3 Million
                  Dollar home on Prospect, souped up the Lear Jet with a hot tub,
                  bought that run-of-the-mill golf club behind the house & turned it
                  into a pasture for my polo ponies. Life is good ever since I
                  found the security code on Mr Burns,… I mean MY credit card.

Lights  Full Center Stage Lights ON.
Audio 7 Play Jane’s Addiction – Been Caught Stealing

                                      Page 19 of 67

Description: Audrey has to research the life of a student in the 1870’s. She goes to
the internet and tries to enter in 1870, but it keeps going to a classroom in 1970.

Characters: , Audrey Griswold, Cousin Vicky

Lights    Left side of stage by computer – Full, Christmas tree – Lights ON

Audrey       This is really a drag Vicky. I need to write a paper over Christmas
                    Break. We have to do 3 pages typed and double spaced ...I just
                    wish we could just text it to the teacher…that would be so much
                    cooler... I feel like I’m back in Kindergarten with all this

Vicky Yeah, that is why I stayed in 1st grade. What’s the paper about?

Audrey       It’s about school life of the 1870’s.

Vicky Borrrring ! Why don’t you just talk to your parents? They were alive in the

Audrey:      I should have talked to my 5th grade substitute teacher. She dressed
                    like she was from the 70’s...

Vicky Why don’t you try that Google thing?

Audrey       OK… School life of 1870… Search.

Audio 8   Play – Computer noises doot… doot…doot…doot
Video 2      Image of That 70’s Show High School Kids

Audrey       This isn’t right ! I said 1870 ! Let me try this again. “school life of
                    1870”. Hey, this computer isn’t working. It only brings up 1970
                    school life.
Audio 9   Play – Computer noises doot… doot…doot…doot

Vicky 1970?… 1870? That’s close enough. What does it say?

Audrey       Come here and see. Take a look.
Video 3 Welcome Back Kotter Picture with Music – Ends with school bell
Lights    Fade down lights on left side of stage
(Curtain opens)

                                    Page 20 of 67
ACT 1 SCENE 2:                             THAT 70’S SCENE

Scene Description: 2 girls doing research for school on 70’s, looking up facts on
computer they run across 70’s TV sitcoms.

Sister Mary Elephant                        Vinny (Kotter)
Lisa Loopner (Saturday Night Live)          Freddy (Kotter)
Todd (Saturday Night Live)                  Fonzie (Happy Days)
Horseshack (Welcome Back Kotter)            Rosalie (Happy Days)
Epstein (Kotter)                            Bambi (Happy Days)

Lights      Full Center Stage Lights ON.

Video       Video 3 from prior page ends

( Class throwing paperballs, goofing off…)

Sr. Mary       Now class…class…calm down now… Class. QUIET !!!!
                     Thank-You I’m your substitute today, Sr. Mary Elephant.
                     (writes on black board, points to name on board)
                     Mr. Kotter is visiting his Uncle Max.

         I understand you have reports due today from Mr. Kotter’s lesson plan. Now,
                      do I have a volunteer to come up and read their report?

Lisa Loopner          I think that Todd wanted to go first.

Todd Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! (pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her
                 head) Here's those special Report Noogies that you ordered!
                 You sent away for those, didn't you?

Lisa Loopner          Quit it, Pizza Face! You're messing up my hair! Boy, are you
                      ever immature!

Todd You wanna say it instead of spray it young lady !

Lisa Loopner          That’s so funny Todd, I forgot to laugh!!

Sr. Mary       Now Todd, that’s enough why don’t you sit down.

Horseshack (standing up & raising his hand) oooh…oooh…oooh Sr. Mary, Mr.
                  Kotter didn’t tell us it was due today.
Epstein    Sr. Mary..Here is a note from my mother

                                     Page 21 of 67
Sr. Mary     Let me read this… “Please excuse Juan from doing his report today,
                   the dog ate it, signed Juan Epstein’s mother”

Vinnie       Hey Epstein, I didn’t know you had a dog?

Epstein       Barbarino, I don’t.

Vinnie       Whaaat?

Epstein:            Have a Dog!

Vinnie:      Dog…Where?

Everyone reacts by laughing, high fiving, patting Freddie on the back, etc.

Sr. Mary     Now class….class…QUIET !!!! Thank you. Now, Mr. Washington,
                   would you like to share your report?

Freddie      Hi there…I’m Freddie Boom Boom Washington….

Sr. Mary     Why do they call you “Boom Boom”?

Freddie      It ain’t because I carry a Boom Box, sister.

Everyone reacts by laughing, high fiving, patting Freddie on the back, etc.

Sr. Mary     Now that’s enough, you need to sit down, now Class…Class…

Fonzie stands up and snaps his fingers and class shuts up…girls also come and
                   crowd around him.

Fonzie       Ayyy, everybody, we are trying to read our report here.

Rosalie are soo cool..

Fonzie       I can’t help it, (puts collar up) what can I say?

Vinnie       What? What just happened here? I’m so confused…

Bambi        Fonzie, I wrote your report. How would you like me to do it?

Bambi & Rosalie     (together) Single or Double Spaced?

Fonzie       The babes know just what I like.

                                    Page 22 of 67
Vinnie       Eh, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Todd Hey Vinnie, why don’t you say it instead of spraying it. You won't win,
                  anyway, Fonzie is so cool…he’s the coolest in the school.

Lisa Loopner         Todd, Why don't you go play in traffic?

Todd Oh, that's hysterical that you mentioned "traffic", because here comes the
                   Noogie Patrol! [ pounds noogies onto Lisa's head ] Agghh!
                   Here's those winter noogies you ordered! Black and blue is
                   going to be a big color this year, my dear!

Lisa Loopner         Cut it out, Crater Face! You know Vinnie is the coolest.

Todd         Oh sister, what a lovely habit you have on today, where did you get it?
                    from the Flying Nun Collection?

Sr. Mary     Todd, flattery will get you no-where!!!

Epstein      Man these nerds are out of control

Fonzie       Speaking of nerds, zip it!

Vinnie       What?

Fonzie       Sit on it !

Vinnie       Where?

Fonzie       Aye…I give up …it’s easier to talk to a wall than you.
                  (snaps fingers, girls come up to Fonzie’s side & they walk out)

Everyone reacts – Can I go, How come he can, Let’s get out of here…, etc.

Sr. Mary     Now Class, … class, … hand in your homework! Your next class is
                  choir with Mrs. Heavey. And it’s your lucky day because I’m
                  your substitute teacher. Now Class, …Class! .....SING !!....
                  SING !!

                September by Earth, Wind and Fire

                                   Page 23 of 67

Description: Eddie and Clark are sitting around the computer eating some food.
Eddie is surfing the computer and begins to tell Clark about his sure fire way to get
rich on his government gifted land.

Characters: Cousin Eddie, Clark Griswold, Mailperson

Lights    Left side of stage by computer – Full, Christmas tree – Lights ON

(Cousin Eddie is in the middle of the stage, Clark is at the computer)

Cousin Eddie:       There you are Clark. Catherine made this just for you.
                    (hands plate Clark)

                     I don't know why they call this stuff Spam Helper. It does just
                    fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't
                    you, Clark?

Clark:       You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

(Cousin Eddie sits down at the computer and begins to type. Clark starts looking for
                    a place to hide the food on his plate)

Cousin Eddie        Boy Clark, this thing really hums, almost as good as my RV out

Clark Oh no, Eddie, nothing can beat that…. Thing?

Video 4   Yahoo home page screen shot

Cousin Eddie        Clark, I’ve been meaning to show you my new project that is
                    guaranteed to make me millions – a psychic sold me the plans.

Clark Well Eddie, how could you go wrong?

Cousin Eddie        Oh Clark, you’re just jealous. OK… let me show you here on
                    the computer.

Clark Rockette Hats ??

Cousin Eddie        That’s right Clark, I’ve got one right here – aren’t they stylish.

                                   Page 24 of 67
                    (Eddie reaches under the desk & pulls out a hat and puts it on
                    Clark and him)

                    They inspire flexibility

                    (Eddie kicks his leg up, groans and grabs his back)

Clark Slow down there champ…. You might knock a few more screws loose.

Cousin Eddie        (Eddie moves to the computer)
                    Here Clark, see check out this website.

Video 5   Picture of a small house on a mountain plateau, some sheiks in the

                    Wait a minute. What’s this? This isn’t the Rockette Hats site.

Clark Eddie, I know I’ve only been there once, but that looks like your home.

Cousin Eddie        Clark it certainly is… What are those men doing looking around
                    the place?

Clark I think they are looking for your Rockette Hats. Maybe you should run home
                     and give them a sample.

Cousin Eddie        Naw… I can watch them from here. What are they doing?

Lights   Dim left side of stage by computer.
Audio 10 Play “You’ve Got Mail”
Lights   Spotlight on mailperson and person from audience

Mailperson Congratulations ! You have tracked this for months. You’ve sweated
                out bids. And as the time ticked down, your anticipation
                mounted ! You quivered, you shook, you were glued to the
                computer… marveling at what technology could do. And then,
                the bell chimed and you had won. Well, I’m hear to congratulate
                you On your eBay auction victory. And here is your prize.
                (Pull goofy “White Elephant” item out of plastic bag)

Lights    All lights OFF

                                    Page 25 of 67
ACT 1 SCENE 3:                             DALLAS

Scene Description: Eddie & Cody are on stage surveying the government land that
has been given to them. They are on all fours inspecting a black substance on the
ground. After realizing what it is, the Sheiks arrive to offer to buy the land. Then JR
and the Dallas Gang try to outbid them. In the end, Eddie sells it to the Sheiks, only
to learn that the EPA has classified the black substance as sewage from the Las
Vegas sewer system.

Cousin Eddie                                Miss Ellie (Dallas)
Cousin Cody                                 Jock Ewing (Dallas)
Sheik Hous Bin Farteen                      Lucy Ewing (Dallas)
Sheik Hazalata Brown Beans                  EPA Lady
JR Ewing (Dallas)                           Sheik Sister 1
Pamela Ewing (Dallas)                       Sheik Sister 2
Sarah Palin

Curtain Opens. Cody & Eddie are on their hands and knees facing audience.

Lights    Full Center Stage Lights ON.

Eddie         Cody is this what I think it is?

Cody I certainly think so dad. (Cody & Eddie Stand up)

Eddie We are gonna be swimming in the money, I can’t believe we found pure,
                 crude oil. Just like that Clampett guy

Cody Dad, don’t you think we should test it first, just to be sure.

Eddie Cody, I’ve tasted oil before, this is pure crude

Audio 11 Play Middle Eastern music

(Sheiks and their entourage enter and approach Eddie)

Eddie Nice towel, who are you?

Sheik Hous I’m Sheik Hous Bin Farteen and this is my business associate Sheik
                 Hazalata Brown Beans. I want to buy all your land. I’m
                 prepared to make all your wishes come true. You’ll be rich
                 beyond your wildest dreams

Eddie You mean I could finally afford a double wide, all my missing teeth to be
                  replaced with gold ones

                                     Page 26 of 67
Sheik Hazalata      Mr. Eddie, I can grant you all those wishes and more

Sarah Palin (Entering from audience aisle. Start lines while in the aisle) Yoo hoo !
                   Yoo Hoo ! Hold on there just a second (to the Sheik) Are you

Sheik Hous I’m not going nowhere, silly woman. What you mean, Russian?

Sarah Palin You know, one of those guys from Russia?

Sheik Hazalata      No. We are from Arabia.

Sarah Palin Wow Arabia. I saw that in a movie once. Can you introduce me to that
                 Lawrence fella? He’s a real maverick. I want to get all
                 mavericky with him.

Sheik Hous Well, we don’t know him. You go now.

Sarah Palin Oh here, I was making some Moose Jerky, when I noticed you from
                  the window of my mansion. (pulling a bowl out of her purse)
                  Don’t you want a bite?

Sheik Hazalata      No, I’m a vegetarian, I only eat Camel chili.

Sarah Palin OK, you all carry on. you’ll know more about me in 2012. You Betcha
                  (gestures with You betcha & leaves the stage)

Sheik Hous So Mr. Eddie, how much do you want for this valuable land?

Eddie You mean this land the government gave me?

Sheik Hazalata      How much for the Land Mr. Eddie?

Video 6 Picture of Dallas “South Fork” ranch with Dallas Theme

(JR, Jock, Miss Ellie, Lucy, Pamela enter from off stage)

JR Ewing     Hold on just a gol darned minute, don’t sign anything yet….I’ll beat any
                   offer they make. My name is JR Ewing, I’m from Dallas. This
                   here is my wife, my daddy, my mama, and my niece Lucy. I
                   want to buy your land

Eddie Shoot, I spent some time in Dallas, I followed the carnie circuit down there

Cody Dad, I didn’t know you worked the carnivals

                                   Page 27 of 67
Eddie I didn’t work‘em, I just like my food on a stick

JR Ewing      Excuse me, whatever this Farteen sheik offers you, I’ll double. You
                   can’t trust a Farteen Sheik, he’s full of hot air.

Pamela        (overboard) Oh JR, you are so strong & Powerful.

Sheik Hous Mr. Eddie, don’t listen to this man with the ten gallon hat and two
                 gallon brain, I will give you the best deal

Jock (Looking & pointing at Sheik’s sister)
                  JR look, there’s more hair on her legs than on a Gorilla at the
                  Lincoln Park Zoo

Sheik sister 1       (hitting Sheik) Hey, he has insulted my honor, do something

Sheik sister 2       (pulling sister 1 back) But the short ones kinda cute, Youhoo
                     (waving at Cody)

Sheik Hazalata       Later my darling sisters, right now we have to pull the wool over
                     this hick’s, I mean this fine man’s eyes

Miss Ellie    Jock, stop that. You’re getting everyone’s undies in a bunch. (Dallas
                     characters wiggle or readjust their underwear)
                     Why don’t you take Lucy to the zoo?

Jock Lucy don’t you have a play date today?

Lucy Grandpa, Grandma, I’m 47. (crosses to Cody & Eddie)

Miss Ellie    Really? Jock, remind me to stop buying Flintstone vitamins and start
                    buying Geritol for her.

Lucy Excuse me boys (putting her arm around Eddie & Cody) How did y’all find the

Eddie Our friend, Mr. Dick Cheney, was huntin’ on my land. He likes huntin’ on my
                   back 40, anyway he was huntin’ jack rabbits and shot the
                   ground by accident, he ain’t the best shot, ya know.

Cody All of a sudden up came a bubblin’ crude, oil that is, black gold, Texas T

JR Ewing      Texas T….We’re all from Texas, that’s why y’all should sell us your

                                    Page 28 of 67
(EPA lady enters upstage and begins inspecting the ground near the back of the

Sheik Hous We’ll match any offer the big hats give. And we’ll throw in our beautiful

Eddie Heck, You got a deal !
                  (Spits in his hand and shakes on it with the Sheiks)
                  (Eddie pulls crumpled paper deed from his pocket & exchanges
                  for suitcase being held by the Sheik).

Sheik Hous (to each other) Boy, what a deal. Not only did we get the 2 Billion
                  barrels of oil, we finally unloaded our sisters

(Sisters unveil and they are men. Eddie doesn’t notice they are men)

EPA Lady     (pushes her way onto the stage and stops the Sheik)
                   Who owns this place with the big mess on the south 40?

Sheik Hazalata      We are now the owners of that land. What mess? Lady, that
                    land is worth billions……sorry about the oil spill, we’ll get it
                    cleaned right away

EPA Lady     Oil spill, that’s, no oil spill. Someone shot a hole in the Las Vegas
                     sewage pipe. There’s raw sewage all over the place. We’re
                     going to have to condemn this whole ranch

Eddie (to Cody) I thought that oil had an unusual flavor to it….
                    (Cody and Eddie sneak away….)

Jock (To the sheiks) Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,
                  boys….heh, heh

Sheik Hazalata      IT WAS CROOKED! And I believe you knew that! You'll regret

Jock Is that a threat Sheik-boy? I’m real scared.

Sheik Hazalata      A Promise!

Sheik Hous You silly Texans. Sewage is no problem. We like Natural Gas…
                  Silent but Deadly

JR Ewing     Now, now boys, just to show you that I got no hard feelings, come on
                   over to my place. We can finish our business and have a Texas
                   Sized Barbeque Celebration

                                   Page 29 of 67
MEN’S NUMBER:            “Drillin’ for More Crude Oil”
                         “TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS ” by BTO

Lights   Fade all stage lights OFF

                                 Page 30 of 67

Description: Ellen online looking for ideas of things to do at a family reunion.
Although she is searching for family reunion activities, the computer just takes her to
a YouTube video of the Jones family reunion. She is intrigued because it is her
maiden name and she presses play to see if it is her family.

Ellen Griswold                             Traveling Gnome
Cousin Catherine                           PTO Interviewer

Video 7    Traveling Gnome interview with female PTO reporter – Filmed ahead of

Reporter      Travelocity’s roaming gnome charmed us all with his meteoric rise from
              garden statue to travel superstar then shocked us all when he was
              suddenly replaced by a pink lawn flamingo. We were left to wonder
              why, what he’s been doing, and what his future holds. So gnome,
              what have you been up to lately?

Gnome         I just needed a vacation…..a little down time. I’m not made out of
              stone, you know.

Reporter      Tell me about it….

Gnome         You know I wasn’t always a superstar. I used to lead a quiet life in the
              Field School Reading Garden

Reporter      Gnome, I have a little surprise for you…. (She shows gnome a picture
              of himself) If you had anything to say to your cute little self, what
              would that be?

Gnome         You’ll never be taller than you are right now.

Reporter      We’ve all seen the headlines…Roaming Gnome Replaced, Roaming
              Out of Control. Why have you been roaming alone?

Gnome         You silly PTO person. I wasn’t roaming alone. I was seeing the
              world. I was using the time for personal discovery. Now I’m back with
              a new approach to my work, my play, my life.

Reporter      So, what’s next for you?

Gnome       Well, I’ll be traveling again, of course. And sending the flamingo off into
            the sunset. I even have my own blog…so I’ll be blogging regularly.
       Happy travels everyone.

                                    Page 31 of 67
Lights    Left side of stage by computer – Full, Christmas tree – Lights ON

Ellen Catherine, you know I’m organizing the activities for our family reunion this
            year. Come help me think of things we can do.

Catherine    Don’t we just sit around, discuss our ailments, gossip about each
             others faults, and cook squirrels?

Ellen This is not a Vshow Alumni reunion

Catherine    Oh, then we should figure out something to do.

Ellen And we’ll ask the new computer to help us

Catherine    (to the back of the computer) What should we do at our family

Ellen Um… here, try this side. Let’s see. Family reunion
          activities. Press Enter… and Voila

Video 8   Show Google screen shot with Videos of Family Reunions.

             Wait a minute. Those aren’t activities.

Catherine    Yeah.. they’re just standing around. Look ! it says Jones Family
             reunion !

Ellen Jones ? Are they famous Jones’? I wonder if we are related to any of them?.

Catherine    Let’s see Ellen Jones

Lights    All lights fade OFF

                                   Page 32 of 67

Scene Description: Jones family reunion is underway. The family members reunite
and then begin the infamous Tug-Of-War. The Tug-of-War degenerates into a
family argument and the website needs to be blocked (curtain closes). The curtain
reopens on the end of the family reunion and everyone talking about how well they
get along.

Mr. Jones                                 Junie B. Jones
Catherine Zeta Jones                      James Earl Jones
Shirley Jones                             Nick Jonas
Davey Jones                               Joe Jonas
George Jones                              Kevin Jonas
Tom Jones                                 Marion Jones
Indiana Jones

Curtain opens

Lights     Full Center Stage Lights ON.

Lots of Jones’ all at the Jones Family Reunion family picnic. Everyone has their
names on their t-shirts.

Mr. Jones:    Welcome everyone to the 55th annual Jones Family Reunion. I’m Mr.
                   Jones and I live in Colorado. I used to teach at Field School.
                   Settle down, there are a lot of Jones Families here from all over
                   the world. Let’s try to get organized

C. Zeta Jones       (to Shirley Jones) Hi, I’m Catherine Zeta Jones. My husband
                    Michael Douglas told me I should come here and look for any
                    long lost relatives. I don’t see anyone I would want to be related
                    to and now I can’t find my husband.

Tom Jones (following Catherine around swiveling his hips and singing) What’s new
                 Pussy cat, whoa, whoa, whoa
                 (Catherine ignores him completely)

Shirley:      (to Catherine Zeta Jones) Hi, I’m Shirley and I agree with you. I have a
                     whole other family named Partridge. I think I’ll legally change my
                     name to Partridge. Maybe we can start up the band again

Davey:        (to Shirley in a British accent) Davey Jones here. I used to be in the
                     band the Monkees, You know (sings) “Hey, hey we’re the
                     Monkees” but we no longer have a band. Can I join yours? (To

                                   Page 33 of 67
                   Catherine) or can I join your family? (Both look at him like he’s

George Jones:      (to Davey) Hey little English dude, I’m George Jones. Maybe
                   we could start a band together. You know any country-western

Audio 12 Play Indiana Jones Theme music play.

Indiana Jones      (to all) Hey, has anyone seen my crystal skulls lying around? I
                   seem to have lost one of them. I left it on the Lost Ark and now
                   it is missing.
                   (to Dow Jones) Hey why the long face?

Dow Jones I’ve been on such a roller coaster ride, I’m ready to toss my cookies.
                 My name’s Dow by the way.
                 (those near Dow move away giving space)

Junie B Jones      (to Mr. Jones) Hi I’m Junie B. Jones. I can’t believe I’m stuck
                   here on a Saturday with Mr. Scary (looking at Mr. Jones). But,
                   you don’t scare me very much.

Joe Jonas    (to George Jones) Did somebody say band? We’ll play with you. I’m
                   Joe Jonas, this is my brother Kevin and this is my other brother
                   (Nick & Kevin give a cool sign or “yo dude” when introduced)

Junie B Jones      You’re the Jonas Brothers ! How eggcelent is that.

Mr. Jones    (pulling Junie B aside) Ummm… Junie, they’re at the wrong reunion.

June B. Jones      Wowie Wow Wow !! Not as far as I’m concerned. Besides, I’ll
                   watch after them. (crosses over to the Jonas Brothers)

Mr. Jones    Okay….It’s time for the tug of war. Everyone named Jones line up over
                  here. (Everybody moves over to where he points – left side of
                  Alright, alright, very funny. We need to pick teams. Indiana and
                  James, get over here and pick. (Indiana & James move to other
                  side of stage) Indiana, why don’t you pick first.

Indiana      I choose you, you, you and you” (Catherine Zeta Jones, Shirley Jones,
                    Davey Jones, and the Jonas brothers. They go with Indiana

                                  Page 34 of 67
Tom Jones (following Catherine Zeta Jones & singing) I want to be on the team
                 with the ladies, whoa, whoa, whoa, with the ladies.

Nick Jonas Oh no, we can’t do that. Our hands are too valuable.

Kevin Jonas Can’t risk the face, dude.

James Earl Jones (In Darth Vader mask, not full costume, breathing heavy)
                 I choose you, you, you and you (Points to Junie B. Jones,
                 Marion Jones, Davey Jones, George Jones)

The three that James Earl Jones points to cower away from him and look at him like
they are scared to be on his team.

Junie B. Jones      I don’t want to be on your team, you remind me too much of Mr.

James Earl Jones You must respect me Junie Beatrice Jones even though I am
                 NOT your Father.

Junie B. Jones      Look pal, My name is Junie B. Jones. The B. stands for
                    Beatrice, except ! I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

                    BOO… and I mean it !!

(James Earl Jones runs away from Junie B Jones)

James Earl Jones Fine Junie B. Call me James “E.” Jones.

Mr. Jones:   Okay teams get ready. Grab the rope.

                    (teams pick up the rope)

                    One, two, three, go.

(Teams begin to pull the rope. While pulling, the following dialogue ensues)

Indiana Jones       Come on team pull !

Shirley Jones       Oh, shut up. If you pull hard enough you can get the ancient
                    treasure on the other side

George Jones        Who are you calling an ancient treasure?

Dow Jones Stop crooning George and start pulling

                                    Page 35 of 67
James Earl Jones Dow, time to pull a fast one. Just pretend you’re Bernie Madoff.

Dow Jones With all of your heaving breathing, I thought you were doing more

C.Zeta Jones         This is dumb, I’m quitting.

Junie B. Jones       Oh goodie, I don’t want to do this anyway (drops the rope)

Davey Jones          Hey get back here. The monkees don’t quit.

C.Zeta Jones         Who are you calling a monkey?.

(The Tug of War degenerates into everyone arguing and yelling at each other
complaining about cheating and it’s not fair and that they didn’t forget the last time
they were together when the other person cheated.)

Lights    Shine spot on the disco ball. Lights start moving off and on
Video 9   “Warning Site Blocked – Inappropriate Content” flashing on the screen
          that then moves to “Pop Up Warning”

Announcer Warning. Warning. This website has been temporarily blocked due to
                inappropriate content. We will return to this website as soon as

Lights    Disco Ball & spot – OFF. Litghts in front of curtain - ON

Nick Jonas     (Nick, Joe, & Kevin come out from the center curtain gap)
                      50 tickets have just been released for tomorrow night’s concert.

Joe Jonas     Act now and you could be sitting in the front row.

Video 10 Image of Jonas Brothers Web site on screen

Kevin Jonas The first 55 to buy tickets at, get a towel with
                   my sweat on it.

Nick Jonas And a strand of my hair.

Joe Jonas     See you at the show !

Lights    Full Center Stage Lights ON

(Curtain reopens and everyone is all smiles. People are in groups of 2 or 3 some
with arms around each other.)

                                    Page 36 of 67
Dow Jones This has been the best family reunion ever.

Shirley Jones        It’s hard to believe that we get along so well. It’s like we were
                     all together just yesterday.

Indiana Jones        We should really do this more often.

Junie B. Jones       Can Mr. Scary stay home next time? (puts her arm around the
                     Jonas brothers) I’ll be back as long as the Jo Bro’s are here.

Shirley Jones        I feel so good, I just want to sing.

(Band starts playing)

                             “We are Family” by Sister Sledge

Lights    All stage lights off
Lights    House lights up

                                    Page 37 of 67
Lights   House Lights down

Band Intro


Description: First a text message exchange between two people in the audience.
Aunt Edna is looking for a companion who will accompany her to the family reunion.

Rusty Griswold                            Aunt Edna

Video 11 Play SMS Text Sequence that follows. Use sound cue at beginning of
         each line.

        I can’t believe my parents are making me stay for the second act.
        LOL, yeah, mine don’t appear until this act, so I’m stuck
        Yep, two BFFs stuck at the show.
        At least the person in front of me is cute
        What? They’re older than your parents.
        Not that one, the one in row B.
        B? I can’t see. Maybe the people in front of me will move their heads.
        Not that way, the other way.
        OK, now if the guy with the bald spot on the back of his head can lean to his
        No, the other left
        Thank you. Oh yeah, I see what you mean.
        Hottie don’t you think?
        Well, it’s hard to say from here. All I can see is that they can brush their hair.
        Well just think great smile and cool eyes.
        Whatever, I hear this act is longer than the first one?
        You have to be kidding me. After seeing the 1st act, I see how they still need
         the practice.
        I wouldn’t be caught dead up on stage when I’m as old as the hills like they are.
        Oops, Gotta run… looks like the shows about to begin again.
        Oh great, I’m going to be so embarrassed.
        TTFN

Lights   Full stage lights on

ACT 2 OPENER: “Consider Yourself” from Oliver

Curtain Closes

Lights   Center stage lights OFF

                                   Page 38 of 67
Lights     Left side of stage by computer – Medium, Christmas tree – Lights ON

(Aunt Edna is on stage, investigating the computer, she presses it in different
presses & jumps back after the press)
(Rusty watches this from the middle of the stage & then comes over)

Rusty         Aunt Edna ?

Aunt Edna     (Jumping back) Ahhh ! What? What?

Rusty         Well, I was just watching you and... .

Aunt Edna     You were watching me… I knew you were creep.

Rusty What are you trying to do?

Aunt Edna     I’m trying to turn on this darn piece of plastic.

Rusty         Oh, (grabs her arm & pulls to the other side) you press this button
              right here. (hear Windows OS sound)

Audio 13 Windows OS Sound

Aunt Edna     (staring at the keyboard & screen) Now what?

Rusty         Well, what would you like to do?

Aunt Edna     (looking around to make sure nobody is there)
              I need to go to one of those web sites… (looking around) where you
              can see other people.

Video 12      Image – People Magazine web site

Rusty         Here. This is People Magazine’s site. Lots of pictures here.

Aunt Edna     (Looking around) Nah ! I want to see people like me.

Rusty         OK… try this one. This is the web site for Summit Square.

Video 13      Image of Summit Square Website

Aunt Edna     (slowly) No… I need to meet somebody.

Rusty         Who do you need to meet?

                                     Page 39 of 67
Aunt Edna    What, do I have to spell it out for you. I need one of those
             Matchmaking or eHarmony or Stud finder web thing-a-ma-jiggies.

Rusty (looking surprised) YOU?

Aunt Edna    Mind your manners. I’m your elder. Just bring up one of those sites &
             then scram

Rusty OK (types into the computer) Here you go.

Video 14 Image of eHarmony or

Aunt Edna    Now beat it. And don’t say nothing about this to anyone.

Rusty I won’t say anything, but do you want me to get your leather pants?
(Aunt Edna moves to hit Rusty & Rusty dashes from the stage)

Aunt Edna   (Entering info on the computer)
            Enter Profile. Single 45 year old
Video 15 Image of profile with part of profile completed.

Aunt Edna   (Entering info on the computer)
Video 16 Image of profile with “Looker” and new picture of herself.

Lights    All lights fade OFF while Aunt Edna is talking

                                   Page 40 of 67

DESCRIPTION: The computer has entered a dating site that where a speed dating
session is taking place. The participants rotate to meet the different people and
different dialogues are overheard.

MC – Jim Lang                                  Cookie
Troy Bolton (Zac Efron)                        Ruth Buzzi
Gabriella Montez (Vanessa Hudgens)             WazzUP Girl
Brad Pitt                                      WazzUp Boy
Angelina Jolie                                 Milk
Most Interesting Man in World (WMIM)           WMIM Handler

Curtain opens

Lights      Full Center Stage Lights ON.

MC:      Welcome to your on-line speed dating connection. You will
                     have 2 minutes to get to know the person across from you and
                     then you will change locations. OK, first let’s have everyone
                     introduce themselves.
                     Let’s start with you young lady – your name please?

Gabriella Montez       (giggling) I’m the prima donna know as Gabriella.

WazzaUp Boy            Wazz Uuuupppp !

Milk     Moooooooo !! Miiillllllkk !!

Troy Bolton I’m Troy Bolton. Like my smile?

Angelina        Angelina Jolie

WazzUp Girl Wazz Uuuuppp !

Penelope        My Name is Penelope and I invented on line speed dating. I'm so fast I
                     break the sound barrier.

WMIM Handler           His charm is so contagious a vaccine has been created for it.
                       His shirts never wrinkle.
                       When it’s raining, he’s thinking of something sad.
                       His charisma can be seen from outer space.
                       He is simply– THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE

                                        Page 41 of 67
Brad Pitt      I’m Brad Pitt, (to Angie) Angie, are we in the right place, these kids
                      seem a little old to interview for adoption.

Cookie         (cutsey) Hi, I’m Cookie

MC       OK, everyone look at your numbers and find a chair at your table.

(Everyone moves to their first table location)

Music       Keyboard Play Dating Game Theme Music
Lights      Full Center Stage Lights dim to Medium. Spotlight on the first table –
            Cookie & Troy

Cookie         You’ve heard of the Despartate Housewives, I’m the desparate cookie

Troy I’m Troy Bolton and I’m captain of the East High Basketball team. I’m perfect.
                   I’m a jock, I sing, everybody likes me.

Cookie         Well, I’m a thin mint. You sound like you’ve done a lot of singing.

Troy Yeah, my showerhead is very impressed.

Cookie         I hope I can find somebody here, because right now I’m feeling

Troy Now, now, there’s no reason to feel down. Life is perfect. Disney told me so.

Cookie         Well aren’t you inspirational. I want some of what you’re drinking.

MC       OK time to switch

Characters switch to second location
Music    Keyboard Play Dating Game Theme Music
Lights   While characters moving spotlight moves around as if searching, then
         settles on Table 2 Wazzup Girl & WMIM

WazzUp Girl WazzUp !!!

(Blank stare from WMIM & Handler)

WazzUp Girl Yo Dude. WazzUp !!!

WMIM Handler          Miss, he is no Dude, he’s the Most Interesting Man in the World

                                     Page 42 of 67
WazzUp Girl He’s not as interesting as (pause, looks around quickly, turns to
                  WMIM)… WazzUp !

(Blank stare from WMIM & Handler)

WazzUp Girl OK, who was your hero growing up.

WMIM Handler           He has always been inspired by SpongeBob Square Pants
                       (WMIM smiles & nods)

MC       OK time to switch

Characters switch to third location
Music    Keyboard Play Dating Game Theme Music
Lights   While characters moving spotlight moves around as if searching, then
         settles on Table 3 - Milk & Brad Pitt

Milk     And what do you do?

Gabriella       Oh… I’m a big Hollywood Actress. I make big budget movies I look
                     like I’m in High School, but I’m really 35.

Milk     Do you believe that the glass is half empty or half full?

Gabriella       It depends upon the day and what’s in the glass.

Milk     (adoringly) Ohh.. you’re so funny.

Gabriella       Do you like to laugh?

Milk     Oh yes. It happens most often when someone blows bubbles. They tickle
                      my top. But there’s usually a lot of yelling – like “Stop Doing
                      That” after the bubble blowing starts.
                      (Milk places hand on Gabriella)

Gabriella       (giggly) I can't do this, Milk.Not with everyone staring at me...

MC       OK, Switcheroo

Characters switch to third location
Music    Keyboard Play Dating Game Theme Music

Lights      While characters moving spotlight moves around as if searching, then
            settles on Table 4 - WMIM & Angelina Jolie

                                        Page 43 of 67
WMIM Handler:         The Most Interesting Man in the World would like to know what
                      you do?

Angelina Jolie        My name is Angelina. I just finished shooting a major motion
                      picture with Clint Eastwood. I’m a serious actress despite all the
                      action movie roles that I get. I earn $15 million dollars a film.
                      My next movie…

WMIM Handler          $15 Million? That is….

WMIM:          (interrupting the handler and with a suave demeanor)
                       Angie, may I call you Angie. I earn $15 million dollars a day.
                       You should come and make movies for me. And when we are
                       not making big screen movie, we can relax at one of my 25
                       Pacific island compounds. You will become the biggest star in
                       the world.

Angelina       Oh Mr. Most Interesting Man in the World, I’m blushing

WMIM Handler          Miss Jolie, you do….

WMIM (Interrupting handler and pushing him away, he takes Angelina’s hand)… You
                    blush the color of a soft rose, opening to early dawn sunlight of
                    a beautiful new day.

WMIM Handler          Oh Brother !

Lights      Full stage lights back to Full ON
            Spotlight off

MC       OK, now that everyone has had a chance to meet, everyone please stand
                      next to the person that you like.

Music       Keyboard Play Dating Game Theme Music
Lights      While characters moving spotlight moves around as if searching.
            Spotlight OFF when everyone in position except for Brad.

(WMIM & Angelina stay fixed, WazzUP boy and girl sit at a table and say WazzUp
to each other. Milk and Cookie grab a table. Ruth Buzzie is sitting at one table on
the far right. Brad Pitt stands next to Angelina trying to get her attention)

MC       (pushing Brad toward Ruth Buzzie) Well Mr. Pitt, looky there, here is a chair
                      for you next to this unusual lass.

                                     Page 44 of 67
Penelope     Hi Brad, I'm Penelope. I adopted 63 children from all over the world
                   too. I'm now going to adopt an alien baby right after I give birth
                   to my octuplets next week

Brad Pitt           What? This chick is a nut!

Penelope            I actually live in a nut. It is a big macademia nut . My front door
                    is and almond. I'm sure it's nicer than any of yours. I used to
                    date the Planter’s Peanut.

MC    Another wonderful “speed dating session”. OK everyone, come up here and
                  let’s give the audience a big sendoff.

(Everyone stands up and forms a line in front of tables [Emcee in middle] Everyone
                   throws a kiss to the crowd ala the Dating Game)

      Come back next time.

(Move the front tables & chairs to the back of the stage during the music intro)

MUSICAL NUMBER: “Love Match” – LOVE SHACK by the B52’s

                                   Page 45 of 67

Description: Grandma Jones is researching WebMD to find out what is wrong with
her husband.

Characters:          Grandpa & Grandma Jones

Video 17      2 Mac vs. PC commercials from the internet or TV.

Lights     Right side of stage top of stairs by band. Spotlights or stage lights

(Dialogue ala PC & Mac except Cubs fan & White Sox fan.)

Cubs Fan      I’m a Cubs Fan

White Sox Fan        I’m a White Sox Fan

Cubs Fan      What are you doing?

White Sox Fan        I’m scoring the game

Cubs Fan      Scoring the game, what fun is that?

White Sox Fan        Well, for us intelligent baseball fans, we follow the mounting
                     tension of the game within the game this way.

Cubs Fan      Well, we have 40,000 fans at our games, you only have about 15,000.

White Sox Fan        Well, yes, but all 15,000 of our fans actually watch the game.
                     Less than 15,000 of your fans could tell you the inning or the

Cubs Fan      Yeah, after about the 3rd inning I’m watching the entertainment in the
                    stands and playing batter bingo.

White Sox Fan        My point exactly

(Cubs Fan starts looking into his large beverage glass)

White Sox Fan        What are you doing?

Cubs Fan      Well, I’m checking out the foam pattern in the bottom of my cup to
                      forecast when the Cubs will make the playoffs next. It’s
                      supposed to work like tea leaves.

                                    Page 46 of 67
White Sox Fan       Well, what does it say

Cubs Fan     I’m not sure.

White Sox Fan       Well, be sure to look me up when you do. We’ll probably have
                    won 4 or 5 more World Series by then.

Cubs Fan     What’s a World Series?

Lights    Fade OFF on right side of stage.

Mailperson (Mailperson selects a person in the audience.)

Lights   Spotlight on Mailperson & Audience Member
Audio 14 Play – “You’ve Got Mail”.

Mailperson You are one of my dearest friends and because of that I am sending you
                 this heartfelt email.
                 As the dusk light shimmers on the soft dew of the hills before the
                 majestic mountains, I am reminded of the beautiful glory that your
                 friendship brings to me. You give me strength when I must
                 endure the tireless questions of a 3 year old. And when the
                 coffee maker fails to percolate that perfect cup of Columbian Pure
                 Blend that you gave me, I know that I can put my head on your
                 shoulder for consolation. And I always know that your smile can
                 shine light on the darkness experienced during the 3 AM wakeup
                 call from my 4 year old to find the lost stuffed animal.
                 Because of that you need to send this email to 7 other people
                 before the show ends. If you do, you will be greatly rewarded with
                 the warmth and joy from 49 messages of eternal gratitude. If not,
                 you will be forced to see the show again tomorrow

Lights    Left side of stage by computer – Full, Christmas tree – Lights ON

Grandpa      Mabel, what are you doing on that contraption.

Grandma      I’m just trying to figure out what ails you.

Grandpa      Me. I’m in perfect health (starts to cough). I feel like a Spring Chicken.
                   I make it out to the curb to get the paper every day. I can find
                   my recliner and I’m pretty handy with the remote.

Grandma      OK, Brett Favre. Then start mowing the lawn and vacuuming the front
                   hallway, doing the dishes and fixing up this place.

                                    Page 47 of 67
Grandpa      Very funny, you don’t even know how to use that thing do you.

Grandma      Sure do. I just type in your symptoms…. Knucklehead, Lazy, Prone to
                   elongated sleep in front of a TV, 3 spare tires… hit enter and

Grandpa      What does it say?

Video 18     Image of the Airline Pilots Association Website (or Boeing’s Website)

Grandma      It says you should be an airline pilot. Oops, I hit the wrong button.

Grandpa      And this time

Video 19     Image of the ER TV show website

Grandma      What? It says that you are the subject of a recent episode of ER and
                  to check it out for the answer. This computer must be broken,
                  I’m going to get Clark. (She leaves the stage & Grandpa moves
                  to the computer)

Grandpa    TV. Maybe this machine isn’t so bad after all. Let me see.
Lights  Stage lights fade OFF

                                   Page 48 of 67
ACT 2 SCENE 2:                     WEB MD

Scene Description: Harlan Sanders (Don Knotts type) and nagging wife go to
hospital where Harlan gets colonoscopy, ends up with diagnosis of bird flu from
eating too much junk food.

Wife                                       Dr. Feelgood
Hot Lips                                   Dr. House
Candystriper                               Dr. Funk
Harlan                                     Dr. Grey
Nurse Ratchet                              Dr. McDreamy
Dr. Curry                                  Crazy Doctor

Curtain opens

Lights     Full Center Stage Lights ON

Harlan Sanders (Don Knotts type person) sitting on table moving head like a chicken

Wife (melodramatically) Nurse, is he going to be alright? He still has to run to
                 Petsmart to purchase my pretty pet parakeet Priscilla some
                 parakeet pellets. That bird should weigh 300 pounds the way
                 she eats. I’ve never seen anything like it !

Hot Lips      We’re so glad you came in when you did. You got here just in time. A
                    whole new batch of interns just started today!

Candy Striper        Dr. Feelgood, Something smells really fowl in here (Holding

Wife And that’s exactly why Harlan sleeps in the chicken coop, “fowl” is his middle

Dr. Feelgood         So, Mr. Sanders, what seems to be the problem?

Dr. House     (to Dr. Feelgood) If you want the opinion of Dr. House, I’d say it’s his
                      wife! (laugh,high 5)

Harlan        It all started when I hurt my wing, I…I…I mean my arm, at the Niles
                       Chicken Inn.

All doctors snapping gloves and acting like Ed Norton every time they talk or move
around etc.

                                    Page 49 of 67
Dr. Feelgood        Hot Lips, I will examine him, if you could transcribe into the
                    computer, please.

Hot Lips     Do I look like your secretary? (hands on hips)

Nurse Ratchet       Looking like that, you probably never will.

Dr. House    Show us your range of motion
                  (Harlan gets off table - flaps arm like a wing, ala chicken dance)

Dr. Curry    Bad wing

Harlan       Then I fell and broke my drumstick….

Nurse Ratchet       Hmm, I do see lots of little peck marks -- looks like you’ve been
                    hen-pecked (looks at wife)

Dr. Curry    Dr. Curry here. Little peck marks? Looks like you’ve been hen-
                   pecked? Wow, this is serious. Dr. Funk, look at this. What do
                   you think?

Dr. Funk     (in polish) I really enjoyed the party last night. You dance like a wild
                     man. This guy is cracked.

Harlan       What did he say?

Dr. Feelgood        (in polish) I really enjoyed the party last night….

Wife (interrupting & exasperated) No, what does it mean !!

Dr. Feelgood        Oh, he said he enjoyed the party last night, I dance like a wild
                    man, and you’re husband is cracked.

Dr. Funk     What other symptoms do you have sir?

Harlan       Well I have a large bruise on my thigh, see how dark it is. And my skin
                    just seems to get browned all the time. I have this craving for
                    breadcrumbs and Barbeque sauce. But the last straw was
                    when I burned my nuggets

Dr. Feelgood        So interns, any further assessments we may need?
                    Dr. Grey?

Dr. Grey     I think we need an abdominal CT, Chem 7, and a CBC, Stat!

                                   Page 50 of 67
Candystriper        (to wife) Why don’t you go wait over there (pointing & then
                    running hands over Harlan’s shoulders) while I give him a
                    complete exam.

Wife Over my dead body (pushing the Candystriper away and grabbing the

Hot Lips     Dr. Feelgood, don’t you think you should order a colonoscopy? Let me
                   page Dr. McDreamy , stat

Dr. Feelgood        Make it so. Here Mr. Sanders drink this….you’ll need to prep
                    before the procedure…
                    (drinks it…goes running off stage to bathroom)

Wife Lord knows if we’ll ever see him again. He has a habit of running away from

                    Dr. House     So why did the chicken cross the road???

                    Dr. Grey      (sultry voice) Because I was standing on the other

                    Candystriper          (sultry voice) No I was. (Candstriper & Dr.
                    Grey start staring at each other)

                    Dr. Feelgood       OK ladies, we all know it was because Dr.
                    McDreamy here was on the other side. (to Dr. McDreamy) So
                    what do you think?

                    (Dr. House looks confused)

Candystriper rolls Harlan out on gurney. Once at center stage, Nurses put a curtain
in front of him. The curtain has a picture of the Operation game on it.

Dr. McDreamy        So, lets see what we have here, wow…worst case of colitis I
                    have seen in a long time. I wonder what could be causing it…

Harlan       (He burps…feathers flow out of mouth)

Dr. McDreamy        Man what have you been eating? Interns quick, take a look at
                    this…come gather around the back of gurney (shock and

Dr. House    Nurse please administer the anesthesia.

(Nurse Ratchet hits Harlan on the head with a blowup mallet, chirping bird sounds)

                                   Page 51 of 67
Lights   Dim All Stage Lights to 3 out of 10.
Video 20    Play Colonoscopy video on the TV Monitor

Very cheesy movie going through Harlan’s body. One scene shows signs pointing
to different anatomy parts… liver, spleen, pituitary gland?... Then further on the
doctor finds his pager…. Further still… the doctor finds homework for Mrs. Creely
dated 1985… find a valentine to Hillary Clinton?... Graduation invitation for Barak
Obama?... final scene shows a clip of the San Diego Chicken throwing a fit.

Lights     Bring All Stage Lights back to 10 out of 10.

Procedure is over. Harlan is sitting up on gurney, doctors around him. Curtain is
moved behind. Crazy Dr. comes in dressed in black rubber gloves, hip waders, and
crazy hair

Crazy Doctor         (to Harlan, consider German accent) Turn your head and cough

Harlan turns his head and squawks like a chicken. (more feathers shoot out)

Wife He said cough not squawk, can’t you do anything right?

Crazy Dr      Mr. Sanders we need a little more information from you before we
                    make our diagnosis. Have you ever asked yourself why you
                    cross the road?

Harlan        Doc, tell me the truth is it treatable?

Doctor Grey Well look on the bright side, it’s treatable, but it won’t be a “treat” for

All doctors and nurses gather together to discuss amongst themselves, walk over
the computer and discuss… big print out going through the papers to look.

Crazy Doctor         Mr. Sanders, we have input all your symptoms into the
                     computer. I have to warn you, the computer is never wrong….
                     You do indeed have a problem… We have come to the
                     conclusion that you have somehow contracted (sound: Doctors
                     turn and say together in descending notes “duhn, duh, duh”)
                     “Bird Flu”

                     Harlan          Bird Flu??? How would I have gotten Bird Flu?
                     (pulls the Crazy Doctor down near his face)… Dr. I can’t have
                     bird flu but I do have the urge to poop on your windshield.

                                     Page 52 of 67
Doctor House         Obviously from being so henpecked by your lovely wife (They
                     all look at the wife . She gives them all a dirty look and pulls
                     Harlan up off the gurney)

Wife Come on Harlan, we’re leaving. I’ve never seen such a collection of Quacks
                in my whole life.

Harlan gets up to leave and there’s an egg left on the gurney.

Lights    All stage lights fade down to 3 out of 10
          Spotlight on egg on the gurney

Lights Off – Clear set quickly

Lights    All stage lights back to Full On as music begins for dance.

Audio 15 Play Bad Case of Loving You song
DANCE NUMBER:               “BAD CASE OF LOVING YOU” by Robert

                                   Page 53 of 67
       PRELUDE – ACT 2 SCENE 3

Description: Audrey is doing something on the computer and complains to her
mother that the computer is not working correctly. Ellen consoles Audrey and
indicates that her father has called the repair guy, who then shows up to fix the
Ellen Griswold                              Indian Guy (Jerry)
Audrey Griswold                             Larry the Cable Guy

Left side of stage by computer – Medium, Christmas tree – Lights ON

Audrey        Mom, come quick, the computer isn’t working! I was studying hard
                   doing research for my paper and the screen just went blank

Ellen I don’t know why the computer isn’t working. It was fine yesterday…... What
                    did you do to it? I’ll get the help desk on the phone and see if
                    they can fix it.”

Audio 16 Sound effect of phone ringing and followed by Sitar music – Low volume
Lights   Spotlight on right side of stage in front of curtain. Indian guy standing with
         a computer and a headset & playing a Nintendo DS or Sony PSP.

Indian Guy Yellow, this is Jerry (sounds like Harry), what seems to be your

Ellen Hi Jerry , we have….

Indian Guy (interrupts mom talking on phone) “No my name is Jerry (sounds Like
                   Harry again)

Ellen Whatever, we just got this new fangled computer and the screen is blank and
                  my daughter can’t seem to get it to work.

Indian Guy That’s an unusual problem. First we must check if the computer is
                  plugged in.

Ellen It’s wireless I don’t need to plug it in, Harry. I’m not a moron

Indian Guy My name in not Harry, It’s Jerry (sounds like Harry again) Well the
                green isn’t supposed to be blank when the computer is turned

Ellen What’s a green? I said Screen (emphasize Screen, getting upset/angry).
                   You Sound a little distracted and you aren’t very helpful for
                   being a help desk.

                                    Page 54 of 67
Indian Guy I am very sorry ma’am you caught me at a bad time. I am in the
                 middle of a game of Sitar Hero and my solo is coming up. Calm
                 down lady,,, I will have to send my Geek Squad right over to fix

Lights      Right side of stage top of stairs by band OFF or Spotlight OFF

Audio 17 Sound effect of car screeching to a halt, pause, then door bell rings.

Lights      Stage lights in front of curtain ON

Larry the Cable Guy comes down the aisle and walks into living room, adjusting his
          pants as he walks up.

Larry Get ‘er done.

Ellen Wow, that was faster than the Cubs exiting the playoffs

Larry the Cable Guy walks across the stage adjusting his pant.

Audrey         (whispers to Mom) Mom he obviously needs to visit Captain
                     Underpants and get himself a new pair.

Mom shushes Daughter

Larry My name is Larry and I am your cable guy. I got here as quick as I could to
                  fix your computer. Now what’s the password to your computer?

Mom Red Neck

Larry          Red Neck, what kind of password is that?

Audrey         (pulls mom aside) Well you know you might be a red neck if– takes
                      you an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes

Larry Red Neck, how do you spell that?

Ellen G-O-O-F-B-A-L-L (Audrey snickers)

Larry                 Really? Alright if you say so.

         (Enters password into computer and starts working on it).

                      What were you last doing before the screen went blank?

                                     Page 55 of 67
Audrey       I was working on a paper for school and then I switched over to the
                    computer game “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” I Googled
                    to find out the name of the host and the screen went blank.

Larry “Googled huh…..I usually “Yahoooooed !” my friends all night long (geek
                  laugh) Get it… you googled, I yahooed !!…… anyway, I LOVE
                  that “are you smarter that a 5th grader”. I learned everything I
                  know from watching that show. Let’s see if we can get you back
                  into that program.

Lights   Left side of stage (living room) OFF

Audio 18 Play Theme Music for Smarter than a 5th Grader.

Curtain Opens

                                  Page 56 of 67

Description: Part of an episode of the TV show

Jeff Foxworthy                                 Jenny – Field 5th Grader
Phoebe (Friends)                               Jim – Field 5th Grader
Forrest Gump                                   Mrs. Creely

Curtain Opens, Panelists on stage have one of their signs up.

Lights      Main stage lights ON full

Audio       Stop Theme Music Play

Jeff     OK, Miss Phoebe Buffay, welcome to Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader.
                     Let’s meet the panelists who are helping you today.

         First we have Mr. Gump. Tell us about yourself

Forest Gump            (stands) Hi Mr. Foxworthy, Sir. I don’t know about being on
                       your show, especially without Momma. My Momma always says
                       to do your best and run faster than the other guy when being
                       chased by a crocodile.

Jeff     Well I can see you’ve been listening to Momma.

                       Next we have Mrs. Creely. Ma’am how ‘bout a word about

Mrs. Creely Jeff, we have the finest 5th Graders at Field School. Phoebe doesn’t
                   stand a chance.

Jeff     Well, let’s see. Next we have Jenny, a 5th Grader at Field

Jenny Um, is this really an extra credit class? This feels more like detention

Jeff     Moving right along, our last panelist is Jim, also a Field School 5th Grader.

Jim      I agree with Jenny. My parents said this would be good for me. They said
                       that about broccoli too and boy were they wrong.

Phoebe          How long have been in 5th grade? I was only in it for 2 years ! Aren’t
                      you a little young for a beard?

Jim      My parents won’t quit the V-show. I’ve been in the 5th grade for 55 years.

                                        Page 57 of 67
Jeff   Well, maybe Phoebe does have a chance.

                     Here is your first question. Is the following sentence a simile,
                     metaphor or personification? “She runs like the wind?”

Phoebe        I don’t know who “she” is, but now Forest, he can run (goes to Forest).
                      “Run Forest Run”. (Forest gets up and runs off stage)

Jeff   OK, maybe the first question was a little difficult.

       Panelists raise signs in order:
                     Bet my Snickers bar that Mrs. Creely can’t catch him (Jim)
                     Bet you my Kit Kat she can (Jenny)
                     Note to self – Jenny gets an A (Mrs. Creely)

Jeff   OK, our next question is - If there are more then 2 persons, is it “you all” or
                    “all you all”?
                    (puzzled looks from Phoebe)
                    Just kidding, everyone knows its “All you all”.

       (Forest runs back on stage and sits down)

Jeff   Phoebe, are you ready for the real next question?,

Phoebe        I'd like to be answering questions in your imaginary game show; but
                       I'm really busy today. I have a unicorn baptism and a Smelly Cat
                       Concert. (start singing – Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat & while
                       strumming the guitar)

Jeff   Nice try Phoebe, but you can’t get away that easy.

Phoebe        Oh alright,
                     (Phoebe sits on the floor in a Yoga position)

Jeff   Is everything alright Miss Buffay?

Phoebe        It’s Phoebe and yes, I’m summoning my spirit friends to help me.

Jeff   What does the Spanish word Alamo stand for?”

Phoebe        (starts chanting) Oh maka tallyman, tallyman a come a.
                      (Jeff looks at Phoebe in disbelief)

Forest        Daylight come and I want to go home.

                                     Page 58 of 67
Phoebe         (Talking to imaginary friends with her eyes closed) …
                     What’s that? Alamo means I’ll have ice cream with that. Are
                     you sure?...

Jeff    While Phoebe’s summoning spirits, panelists please show us your answer

Each of the panelists shows one of their cards to the audience. The cards are:
Mrs Creely’s sign “The things I do to keep these parents happy”
                    “I bet Sally Pryor doesn’t have to do this”
                    “How many years until retirement”
                    “If only Hillary had won, I’d be Secretary of Education”
                    “Knit One, Pearl Two”
5 grade girl “Smarter than a 5th Grader? 1st Graders could answer these questions”
                    “Mommy, don’t make me do this again.”
                    “I promise I’ll be good.”
                    “And they say my generation is wacko”
                    “OMG my BFF will be ROFL if she sees me here”
5th Grade boy“And we get grief for the Follies script?”
                    “I’d rather be doing Homework”
                    “Isn’t it time to go take the Emerson Tour”
                    “Will this show ever end?”
Forrest Gump        “Life is Like a Box full of Chocolate. Except Here”
                    “If only the mayor hadn’t canceled at the last minute”
                    “This will get on the Chicago 2016 Olympic Committee?”
                    “Has anyone seen a bathroom”

Jeff    OK Phoebe, what is your answer.

Phoebe        Oh, it means Cottonwood tree

Jeff    That’s correct, Alamo stands for Cottonwood tree.
                      Now for your next question. Yes or no? Are icebergs salty?

Phoebe        Well, I haven’t licked one lately, let me think.…(Phoebe takes a
                      thinking pose)

Jeff    Panelists while Phoebe is “Thinking”, what is your answer.

                     (Panelists show one of their remaining signs)

Phoebe        …but I’d have to say….yes because they are from the ocean, but then
                    again I use salt to melt the ice in winter (pauses) Well then I
                    have to say no, no they aren’t salty.

Jeff:                Phoebe, you are correct! They are pure fresh water

                                   Page 59 of 67
Jeff: OK, now for the last question, you will need to provide the official name for
                   the following dance genre… Ladies.

Those on stage, clear the stage as they walk off [take chairs, signs, etc.] so the
stage is clear for the dancers

Audio 19      Play ABC by Jackson 5

DANCE NUMBER:                      ABC by The Jackson 5

Lights     Main stage lights OFF

Close Curtain

                                   Page 60 of 67

Description: Ellen and Catherine are trying to use the computer to help get
themselves into the V-show.

Characters: Ellen Griswold, Cousin Catherine

Lights     Left side of stage by computer – ON full, Christmas tree – Lights ON

Ellen Now Catherine, I need to find something that can help me get into the Vshow.
                  Maybe some online acting sessions or yoga classes or a savvy

Cousin Catherine I’ve be taking those acting classes at the YWCA, I can teach

Ellen Thanks, but I’m not trying out for the Washington Playmakers.

Cousin Cahterine OK, let’s look on the internet to find some help (goes to the
                 computer)…let’s see…

Video 21      Image of acting web site on TV monitor

Ellen (looking over her shoulder)… ….Hmmm this looks interesting….

Catherine     How many years did you say they have been doing the V-show…
                   pulling out the brightest, newest stars from the doldrums of

Ellen 55 years

Catherine     Wow 55 years. That’s amazing ! … Cats only lasted 15.

Ellen Yep, they just can’t let it go.

Cousin Catherine It must be an incredible production if it has been going on that
                 long! I want to audition too. Look, you don’t even have to be
                 there to audition, I can have you video tape my audition and
                 YouTube it to the director… Come on, you have to video tape

Ellen Why do I have to help?

                                        Page 61 of 67
Cousin       Well, if I make it big , Eddie and I will be taking the RV and looking for
                     a hookup on 42nd St & Broadway in New York..

Ellen What are we waiting for, let’s get to it (eagerly pulls her off stage down the
                  stairs on left)

Cousin Catherine I’ll help you with your audition tape too. This is going to be fun.

Lights    Left side of stage by computer – Fade OFF, Christmas tree – Lights OFF

                                   Page 62 of 67
ACT 2 SCENE 4              OFF BROADWAY

Description: Ellen & Catherine look online to learn how to audition. They participate
in the scene where a director is leading auditions. In the end, the director selects
Ellen & Catherine and says they will make it.

Glinda                                    Miss Piggy
Elphaba                                   Jersey Boy Director
Pinky Girl 1                              Donna (Mamma Mia)
Pinky Girl 2                              2 Mamma Mia Backup Singers
Pinky Girl 3                              Ellen Griswold
Danny                                     Cousin Catherine
Sandy                                     Choreographer

Curtain opens

Lights    Main stage lights ON medium

          Spotlight on Glinda & Elphaba

On stage – Audition room full of characters talking in groups, some stretching on the
floor, some doing breathing exercises. There is a sign on stage left stating –
Auditions for the 55th Annual V-show. Glinda dressed in a pink party dress &
matching purse, smoothing out her hair, maybe looking in a mirror

Glinda       I hope they have a role for someone as popular as me. Since my last
                    show closed, I’ve been looking for something worthy of me.
                    Toss, toss (brushing back hair, looking into mirror, singing) “la,
                    la, la, la, you’ll be popular, just not as quite as popular as me….
                    (Blows the mirror a kiss).

Elphaba      I don’t know about being popular with the crowd but I can’t think of
                     anyone sparklier than you.

Glinda       Oh, Elphie what are you doing here?

Elphaba      Well, I want to be a star and get a part in the show.

Glinda       (looking elphaba up and down) OK, But besides playing Kermit the frog
                    what show could possibly need someone who looks like a
                    walking artichoke? (Elphie reacts) Now Elphie… don’t go and
                    get all “steamed”

Lights    Spot light shifts to a group of characters from Grease – the Pinkies

                                   Page 63 of 67
Pink 1        What do you think girls, should we let her audition with the Pinkies?
                    (Singing – Go Grease Lightning…You’re burning up the center
                    stage.. You are supreme. Your fans will scream, for Greased
                    Lightning. Go, go, go, go, go, go go (They all do the Grease
                    lighting moves)

Ms Piggy      I don’t think she has what it takes to be a pink lady

Glinda        OOhhh… well I oughta… trying to use wand at the girls…. Hitting it…
                   cast a spell (waving wand & saying) Alacahora, Shazaam,
                   Abracadabra… is this thing on?

Pink 2Yah…I think she’s just another goody too shoes (smacking gum)

Sandy comes skipping in with Danny

Pink 3        Speaking of goody too shoes, look what’s coming our way

Sandy         Look at me I’m Sandra Dee …(singing)

Danny         Oh Sandy, I don’t care if we get cast in this production. (singing) I’m
                   hopelessly devoted to you.

Sandy         Oh Danny… you know, (singing) you’re the one that I want, (the one
                   that I want) oo, oo. you’re the one that I want, (the one that I
                   want) oo, oo. Ooh honey.

Danny & Sandy        (singing) We go together like shama-lama-lama-ding-a-dee-
                     ding-a-dong (hand jive motions)

Lights     Stage Lights ON full. Spotlight OFF

Jersey Boy Dir.      (through a megaphone) Places people, let’s get started.
                     Remember only fabulous and extremely talented people will
                     make the v-show. (Looking them over) Well maybe we’ll make
                     a few exceptions this year. You’ll all have to prove yourself.

Glinda        Prove myself, prove myself… Mr. Director…I was wondering if you
                    ever heard my clever essay I wrote a long time ago… Magic
                    wands…do they need to have a point?...get it… point, do they
                    need to have a point” laughs

(as director walks away from Glinda to go to his chair, runs into Elphaba)
(Ellen & Catherine enter and are looking around at the different groups, back of

                                    Page 64 of 67
Elphaba      Ouch… hey, watch where you are going.

Jersey Boy Dir      Pardon me.

Pinky Girl 1 He can’t help it…It was like he was driving… he saw green and he
                   thought “go”

Donna        (singing & walking on stage to ingercept director)
                    Mamma mia, here I go again, my, my how can you resist me.
                    Mamma mia, does it show again, My, My I’ve got talent running
                    free. Yes I’ve been overbearing, Blue since you stopped your
                    caring. Why, why, won’t you ever cast me. (pawing on the

Lights   Stage Lights Fade to Medium. Spotlight ON Ellen & Catherine
Audio 20 Play sound of angels “ahhhing”

Ellen & Catherine come downstage center, the Director stops staring at Ellen &

Catherine    Ellen, Here we are – I can’t believe they called us for a real audition
                    based on our You-Tube video.

Ellen It’s like a dream come true.

Jersey Boy Dir.     (moving to Ellen & Catherine singing) You’re just too good to be
                    true, can’t take my eyes off of you. You’d be like heaven to
                    tonight. I want you in my spotlight.

Pinky 2      Heaven? Spotlight? They’re no angels, who are they trying to kid.

Jersey Boy Dir.     (Sing to Pinky Girl) Who love’s you pinky baby. Who’s gonna
                    help you through the show.

Lights    Stage Lights ON Full. Spotlight OFF

Mamma Mia Girls Come on Donna, let’s do our thing…(walking over to the dir)
                (singing) If you change your mind, I’m the first in line, honey I’m
                still free, take a chance on me… if you need me let me know…
                I’m gonna be around. If you like us you should know, we’re
                here in town, Take a chance on me….”

Catherine    Ellen, I don’t know if I can do it. We didn’t dress like any of these

                                     Page 65 of 67
Ellen I know Catherine, but we have to do it. Just think of our name in lights for the
                  next Vshow #56.

Jersey Boy Dir      OK, Let’s see some dancing. Where’s that new choreographer?

Choreographer       (clapping and shouting while entering) Alright, places everyone.
                    I’m here to teach you everything you need to know about the
                    dance portion of the show. Places !. (goes stage center as if to
                    demonstrate the dance steps) Seven, eight, nine
                    (Choreographer starts to do steps and stumbles.)

Music     Keyboard plays start of One from A Chorus Line OR
          Play One from A Chors Line.

Jersey Boys Dir     Aye, Aye, Aye…. I need to talk to my agent. Now I know why
                    Speilberg doesn’t direct musicals.

Choreographer:      Wait… I think I’ll get it this time. Nine, ten, eleven… (stumbles

Jersey Boys Dir     Get me someone from Karen’s Tumbling & Dance or Picture us
                    Different or Lynette’s School of Dance, I’m sure they can get
                    everyone to sing and dance togehter.

Ellen Catherine, I didn’t know we needed to sing & dance…(Ellen & Catherine
                    together) and at the same time. !!

Jersey Boys Dir     OK. I’ve seen enough, MORE than enough. You two (pointing
                    to Ellen & Catherine singing). I love you ladies, and if it’s quite
                    all right, Oh pretty ladies – I’ve seen enough tonight to CAST
                    you ladies – In the next V-Show.

Ellen Griswold      Oh, that’s wonderful, I can’t believe this ! We did it !

Cousin Catherine Does this mean that I will get a deli tray in my dressing room

Ellen Cahterine, how about that internet – We’re gonna be in the V-show !!

Cousin Catherine Yeah, who would have guessed ??!

Jersey Boys Dir     Alright, alright, we’ve got one big number left… let’s see how
                    you all sing and dance as a group.

(Band starts and closer singers & dancers enter)

                                   Page 66 of 67
ACT 2 CLOSER Dot Comedy – “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond

Curtain Closes

(Thunderous Applause… Hurry to Cast Party)

                               Page 67 of 67

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