Alarms, Uniforms, Alcohol and Vacancies and Vacancies Capitalism

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WorkZine
Issue 20 T H E N E W S B Y Y O U 11 August 2010

FESPAD LURES LAURYN HILL Capitalism or Socialism:
Which Way to Go

Alarms, Uniforms, Alcohol
and Vacancies

Workers not taking leave
Smartness at work

Idler’s corner

Concept of a Ssenga

The curse of the naked wallet
DOWNLOAD THE LATEST COPY OF THE WORKZINE
http://www.theworkzine.com
CONTENTS
08 05
Capitalism or Socialism: Europeans dress most
Which way to go casually for work, Indians
smartest

05
Review:
07 Chrisette Michelle
The Curse of the naked
wallet
10
Game Theory:
The king maker

09 12
Workplace Discussion
OPITOX ART
Poetry: Portrait of a friend

13
Humor Central
19
I ’ m Afraid We ’ re
Gonna Have To Ask You 16
To Leave, Sir… FesPad Pictorial

Many more….
P a g e 4 W o r k Z i n e

Editor’s Word
The 20th Issue of the D A N C E , A F R I C A , D A N C E
WorkZine!! How exciting!!
Kigali Rwanda hosted the African Union sanctioned 7th applause and ululations. People clapped and I think some
Packed with more than the usual, FESPAD dance festival and it rocked the world. The seven day fainted. One would be forgive for thinking that a rockstar of
this issue will blwo you away. There event attracted world class musicians and stars like Hiphop and epic proportions had arrived. The next day had Ms. Lauryn
soul Diva Lauryn Hill, Zouk originators Cassav , Raggea legend Hill in full diva mode giving an excellent performance. But
is a focus on FESPAD with a
Natty Dread, Lingala Maestro Kofi Olomidde billboard charting she was outshone by up and coming afro performers Mike
pictorial, a revamped humour jazz artist Somi, internationally critically acclaimed saxophonist E ,Sowande and Dj Invisble who roused the docile quiet
central, Akelly being humble, the Isaiah Katumwa ,Afroflow kings Mike Kigali crowd .Daily workshops in salsa ,
E , DjInvisible and Sowande, Nigerian Kinyarwanda and modern dance were held
idlers corner, job listings, events ,
sensation DBanj, Sensational Burundi free of charge for the general public during
stuff for sale and so much more. drummers , Rising starlet Dalia Uwe , the course of the week. The best learners in
We should also take time off to RnB stars chameleone, Alpha , Cindy, each category were awarded prizes at the
Grace Nakimera, Duo Radio and Wea- end of the festival. A cultural village built at
cater for this our fragile world. sel , tom close Lady Jojo and many Amahoro stadium was the scene of dance
Floods and bush fires are causing more. The week long dance festival battles amongst the different country repre-
havoc worldwide. Record high hosted by Rwanda Development sentatives. IT was a musical smackdown
Board also included troupes from made in Africa. Rwanda also showcased her
temperatures are being recorded all Angola , Uganda, France, Madagas- beauty in the aptly named “Rwanda Nziza”
over the globe. Take a moment off car , China , Egypt , Democratic Re- which translates as Beautiful Rwanda. A one
and see what you can do for the public of Congo, Namibia and Guinea day educative interactive point hitting eye
Conakry. The festival was kicked off on opening seminar on creative workshops was
earth. 24th July at Amahoro stadium with an cemented by a VIP gala which had jazz
well choreographed 600 member magnets Somi and Isaiah blow off the roof till
strong dance showcase of Rwandese culture. The performance the wee hours of the morning. The week was rounded out
Enjoy
included school children who were draped in bright colorful by the “Concert in the Jungle ” held at the beautiful lakeside
Businge Abid Weere butterfly like costumes and was backed up by a 50 man strong town of Gisenyi. Located at the Congo border, a number of
line of drummers. Sidebar , here . The drummers rocked. When guests could resist the allure of Goma across the water. The
they hit those drums, they made the very earth shake. It closing ceremony on the 31st July 2010 saw an electrifying
seemed like the ground was moving in rhythm to the drumbeat. performance by Zouk band Cassav . FESPAD 2010 deif-
The clapping sounds eclipsed anything that the hiphop and RnB nately lived up to its tag “Dance Africa Dance.” I just can’
artists had presented. The drums were sourced from all over the wait for the next edition in 2012. Till then , I wil be dancing to
Cover Page country , testing them for strength, quality of sound and endur- the rythym of Africa.
ance. President Paul Kagame graced the event. Despite the
Photograph by Amir Denke
huge security presence, his arrival was a spectacle of note.
When he walked in, the whole stadium busrt out into roaring Businge Abid Weere

I n t h e n e w s

• Lauryn Hill performs in the USA • Women find men in red
Kigali at FESPAD as Ka- • Egyptian Police taken more appealing?
game returned for a final to court over murder • Dog chews off Michigan
term in office and rape man's toe, saves his life
• Kenya votes for a new con- • Tiger Woods continues • Malaysian state OKs under-
stitution to struggle on come- age marriage for mothers
• Floods and bushfires devas- back • Popular Dutch military can't
tate the face of the earth • The first six months of afford new recruits
• BP finally caps the gulf of 2010 have been the • Huge ice sheet breaks from
mexico oil spill hottest on record glob- Greenland glacier
• Google android overtakes ally, scientists have
blackberry as top seller in said.
P a g e 5 W o r k Z i n e

E u r o p e a n s d r e s s m o s t c a s u a l l y f o r w o r k ,
I n d i a n s s m a r t e s t

Wearing shorts to work in Hungary might not merit a second research company Ipsos.
glance but in India you are likely to be deemed a slacker who
won't make senior management, according to a global For while four out of 10 workers wore casual clothes to work, the
Reuters/Ipsos poll on business attire. same amount -- four out of 10 -- said casual wear workers would
never make it into senior management in their workplace.
A survey of about 12,500 people in 24 countries found that
Europeans are the most casual when it comes to work The poll found that 66 percent of workers said senior managers
clothes with only 27 percent wearing a business suit or smart that ran an organization should always be more dressed up than
clothes to work. their employees.

Hungary came bottom of the table with only 12 percent of Indians particularly did not see casual dressers rising up the
workers saying they wore a suit or smart dress to work. ranks, with 64 percent saying they would not make senior man-
agement and 58 percent describing casual dressers as slackers.
Among Hungarian workers, 46 percent said it was appropri-
ate to wear shorts to work while 56 percent approved of India was followed by Saudi Arabia where 51 percent ruled out
thong sandals or flip-flops at work. casual dressers making senior management with France coming
third at 45 percent.
Indians were found to be the smartest when it came to work
attire with 58 percent donning a suit or other smart clothing Swedes were the most relaxed when it came to bosses wearing
for work. Only 21 percent said it was fine to wear shorts. casual clothes. Only 27 percent said casual dressing would be a
bar to entering senior management.
Overall only 21 percent of workers said it was appropriate to
wear thong sandals to work and just 24 percent approved of (Editing by Belinda Goldsmith)
wearing shorts to work. ADOPTED from Reuters
"It's clear that around the world dressing to your place in the
hierarchy is more often the case than dressing to the ele-
ments," said John Wright, a senior vice president at market

When one has their first listen to her mu- Chrisette in a manner similar to a
sic you can’t help but feel like there is a crush he had on Alicia Keys right up
complete mimicry of Jill Scot, except with to the moment AK run a double
more simplicity and more balance added standard by getting involved with an
to the bowl. It also is very easy for the already married man . Artists like
listener to be turned off by her seeming Chrisette, take a simple voice, make
By Kalisa Micheal naivety .Yet it is this same naivety that it work with a simple background,
will draw you into her music with endear- subtle bass guitar and make poor
ing thoughts only. guys like me literally go weak in the
In “If I have My Way”, which is the lead knees.
single of the album, she takes sampling of Where other artists will stick to
style to a new level. At one instant in the keeping background beats to all
song, one could easily be fooled into their songs, Chrisette Michelle was-
thinking that they are listening to a Tamia n’t afraid to chip in an acoustic gui-
hit. This song made it to number 4 on Hot tar on song introduction and then
R&B/Hip-Hop Songs. slowly build up the momentum into
“Mr. Radio” brings out our attachment to a song that would give it the sup-
mainstream radio, this time focusing on posed intensity that our local Afrigo
“I seen his brother at the cloud love songs. I am sure that radio deejays band and artists like Fela Kuti would
Looking it's to fly would be more inspired to let the music do do in 15 minutes, but chrisette Mi-
His sticks was pounding on the drums more talking and not their sometimes my- chelle does all of this in four and a
When I caught his eye opic opinions take control. This song is a half minutes.
You know, my gosh, he looked at me true gem, with simplicity and the message While this article’s focus was on her
And he smiled at me is crystal clear. For perhaps the most debut album, she has had some
And he played to me sentimental of reasons, my favourite track collaborations with the Game( LAX-
And I imagined that he spoke to me” on this album is Golden. The lyrics in this Let Us Live), Nas ( Hip Hop Is
Imagine these lyrics being sang in a voice are just too deep. I might be biased be- Dead) doing three tracks with the
similar to a blend of Ella Fitzgerald, Jill Scot, cause this was the very first track of latter.
India Arie, Erykah Badu; except that it isn’t Chrisette’s that I listened to. What made One can only say that the sky is the limit
them. It is Chrisette Michele (2009 Grammy the moment more surreal was the person for this daughter of deacon father and
Award winner for Best Urban/ Alternative who i shared that beautiful moment with. choir director mother provided she
performance 2009 for the song ‘BE OK’). This one song made the writer crush on keeps it simple and sticks to her style of
music.
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 6

Hold my hand (which my homeboy O M A Y E o r drinks (aka waragi), prefers to have
Sean Paul sings as: omayei), featuring A l a r m s , them at a bar, or kafunda or where ever
Kerry Hilson is my alarm. An alarm to U n i f o r m s , but not home! Those of you who are
awaken me from my sweet sleep for the A l c o h o l a n d friends to alcoholic beverages know that
curse of life...work (not women), or V a c a n c i e s when you reach a certain point, you just
wake me for breakfast, or to take a must continue. It’s the rule. That lasts
bath, or brush my teeth...whichever. It is until only 3-4am. Go home, power
a rather 'sweet tune' to wake up to es- sleep, wake up at five, cold shower go
pecially knowing that there are stacks of to work. Unfortunately the ‘god of the
dead trees lying on your office office’ (don’t tell him) doesn’t like my red
desk...which (by the way I say this with eyes and drowsy look. So I opted for
utmost anger) is not made of wood so I plan B. Sleep at ten (when I can) go
can’t say lying on more dead trees. work with clear eyes…I’m not yet
done… and on the way to work, buy a
I used to have the song ‘I and identify’
nice bottled drink to place gently
by P.O.D as my alarm until I realised
(remember metal desk) into the "vault".
that the 'rude awakening' only made me
as grumpy as a paraplegic to whom Problem with plan B is that the boss
you’d suggest going on a jog with. And man don’t want me drinking at work.
if you don’t have that much work waiting Apparently, it offends some of the col-
for you eagerly like a nagging wife, leagues. HERES A QUESTION: Do you
alarms can mess up beautiful dreams. I get offended when I drink water? So
once had one where I was 'with' Amy why do you get offended by the spirit?
Lee of Evanescence. We were just Am I pouring it down your throat? Do I
about to 'become good friends' and then come and bother you when I take a
‘I and identity’. If it was 'omayei' playing swig or six? Huh? Huh? What? I wish I
however, it wouldn’t be that bad (sorry could say that to their faces. That is the
Amy)! problem of being the youngest in the
office!
For those of you that are blessed with
the nokia alarm clock (call it what you In that vein, I have come up with plan
want, am sticking to alarm clock), there C. Get a younger intern that’s lousy at
are the preset clock alerts 1&2. These the job and shift the blame…
people don’t want you waking up! If you
SO,
do wake up you will get to work early,
work hard and take their jobs. It is a We are looking for anyone between the
conspiracy...its THEM (DADADADUM)! here is a suggestion: be like Gayaza…have age of 20 and 21 with no working ex-
Think about it, who wakes up when rainbow uniforms...coming to think of it, that perience what so ever. Preferably an S2
soothingish music is plaid? Wait, now I school should be renamed to…something dropout who smokes weed, drinks plen-
am selling myself short here. No, I am like…rainbow secondary school perhaps?! tiful kasese and doesn’t sleep at night
right and my thoughts wrong...ah what- That will solve that problem...of work I (you can sleep in the office at your
ever! mean. There was a time when all I needed desk). Must be fluent in no language but
was my brain, jeans, t-shirt and cap. Mon- MUST know the following words:
So the week begins. It’s Monday morn-
day-Monday! I didn’t even have to comb my Yes, no, please, sod, off (you are not
ing and the rain is pouring (ya the song
hair! They understood me! I felt like a new- required to know the meaning of the
is Sunday morning, big whoop. Want to
born state. Now, am just like an independ- word sod)…
make something out of it?). I have to
ent state...wear what you want but wear
wear 'smart clothes'. Not that I hate --
this!
them...I just…utterly…loathe them. It Jason Ntaro Sabiiti
makes you wonder why you have to Moving on.
dress up so neatly when you go to work.
At the end of a work day I am supposed to
Do I go to work to parade my well-
go home, drink tea, watch a little TV, eat
pressed clothes and neatly combed
supper then sleep by 10pm(says the doc)
hair? Or to produce quality work that will
so that I have at least 7hrs of sleep.
help keep the office afloat? I mean, if
they want us to dress a particular way, Now, me who enjoys my blessed ‘spiritual’
P a g e 7 W o r k Z i n e

Although a vacation can be a good chance to get away from the stresses of Britain 77 percent
work, only two-thirds of employees globally use all the holidays they are given
by their organization, according to a joint Reuters/Ipsos. Spain 77 percent

The survey of about 12,500 people in 24 countries found French employees Saudi Arabia 76 percent
were the most likely to take advantage of the days granted, with 89 percent Germany 75 percent
using up all of their days.
Belgium 74 percent
They were followed by Argentineans with 80 percent using all their vacation
days, then Hungarians at 78 percent and Britons at 77 percent. Turkey 74 percent
But at the other end of the scale Japanese workers were the least likely to Indonesia 70 percent
use all their vacations days. Only 33 percent would take off all the time given.
Mexico 67 percent
They were followed by 47 percent of workers in South Africa taking their full
leave entitlement, 53 percent in South Korea and 57 percent in the United Russia 67 percent
States. Italy 66 percent
"There are lots of reasons why people don't use up vacation days but most Poland 66 percent
often it's because they feel obligated to their work and put it over other more
important things, including their own health and welfare," said John Wright, China 65 percent
senior vice president of global market and opinion research firm Ipsos.
Sweden 63 percent
"Workers should remember that there are graveyards full of indispensable
Brazil 59 percent
French
people," he added.
Wright said there appeared to be virtually no difference in terms of demo- India 59 percent most
graphics when it came to taking leave with about two-third of high and low
income earners taking all the days available.
Canada 58 percent
l i k e ly t o
United States 57 percent
Slightly more younger people would take all their leave than people aged over
50. South Korea 53 percent use all
"But there was a slight (difference) as business owners and senior executive/
decision leaders at 60 percent are the least likely to use up all of the holidays
Australia 47 percent va c a t i o n ,
South Africa 47 percent
granted them," he said.
Japan 33 percent
Japanese
Workers most likely to use all leave:
France 89 percent
least
Argentina 80 percent
(Writing by Belinda Goldsmith, Editing by Patricia Reaney)-Reuters
Hungary 78 percent

The gruesome week crawls to a perpetual women past the 'pause' trying to rejuvenate what once
end.Over 80 hours of oozing corporate sweat
The Curse Of the was.Anyway the crusade leader a.k.a the D.j spins his plates
and toiling on end,the finale is here.The refresh- Naked Wallet.... and the real business ensues: A pair dances like MTV crew
ing uphoria of a FRIDAY night.As soon as the is around,a bunch chants as though its kareoke night.A
sun sets the ungodly addiction jets in.The symp- By Isaac Tinga Mufumbiro couple thrives on the moonlight, lone ones maximise the
toms:a seemingly unquenchable thirst and group psychology('we' are here for a season)and contem-
lust,seemingly super sized wallet,a low battery plate street economics.Others its about munching burnt
thanks to lost friends now found, and fresh swine, clutching on females rears,sipping gallons of golden
lungs after one week of abstinence.So as those drink and the really deranged ones blowing herbs and cer-
past their nuptials match to their quarters to tain plants.Old hands launch ferocious attacks on their
fulfill marital/domestic duties(those lucky bas- prey,others its a time to showcase financial muscle to that
tards) a suicidal bunch match to the watering office receptionist in hope that she nods to the manifesto.
spots to fulfill ancestral goals. At this crack h'se So the hours pass away till morning, business cards
its a collection of bottle hardened citizens apart changed hands and monies paid for urban excitement,you
from a handful still mesmerised by the cartoon foxtrot to your sack, recite the drunkman's creed(swear to
network.But on the whole its no place for mi- quit) before the shut down steals you from harsh reality-
nors,and the crowd is just that: a mediocre mo- your wallet if not stolen,is nude.Just like it was last week-
tor show is compensated by a full blown skin show i mean these ladies end and the previous weekend and the weekend before the previous
dressed in one inch jeans and oversized belts.There are ofcourse a few one...curse!
misplaced old geezers reliving their teen years and some what serene
P a g e 8 W o r k Z i n e

C a p i t a l i s m o r S o c i a l i s m : W h i c h W a y t o G o

Capitalism has been in recent times said to be in the decline. I that they can continue getting these free services.
would beg to differ from this belief. Capitalism cannot and will not
decline. It is practically entwined in humanity. Heck, in life. Why should I make money only for it to all go to a lazy chap in
Charles Darwin stated in his notes and later book on the Evolu- Rakai with three wives and eight children and did I mention he has
tion of Life that the species that survive are those that learn to one and half acres of farmland. This fellow is actually more pros-
adapt in changing environments. It is the strong and not the perous than I am. He earns all my money when he sells his vege-
weak that survive. It is the dynamic and not the static that get to tables to a trader in Kampala. He however claims a pauper status
live on. Dynamism is the centerfold of capitalism. and pays no taxes (the government doesn’t bother follow-up any-
way) but all the while earning from his farmland but not doing
Since the beginning of life, man has been a enough to further his economic
capitalist animal. Whatever beginning of lie status.
one looks out to (theology or science) capi-
talism is rooted in our history as man. It is The increased taxes I suffer (yes it
thus not surprising that man left his hunter is suffer!) significantly reduce my
gathering (read socialist) economy to start disposable income and thus my
trading for scarce resources owned by demand for certain goods dimin-
other communities first through barter and ishes. Retailers and producers of
later through the creation of money. such goods suffer from reduction
in sales revenue thus they lay off
The economies of the most prosperous some staff to reduce their costs of
empires and civilizations in history have not sales in order to make a profit.
been socialist. They most definitely have been capitalist. From The laid-off workers have no money thus gain pauper status fur-
Roman Empire, the Holy Roman [Catholic] Empire, the British ther increasing their demand for free services and thus the need
Empire and todays United States of America. Oh, did I hear for government to increase taxes on the few remaining income
someone mention the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics! Well if generating populace. This ultimately leads to economic failure due
you do not know what that is, it is because it died a natural death to the country’s inability to sustain the increasing spending.
in 1988 when socialism finally succumbed to internal inefficien-
cies leading to the breakup of USSR to smaller nations which One of two things has to happen, the abandonment of the socialist
can be seen to be still struggling to this day. stance or the change of government. The latter being what befell
the USSR. The governments of former Soviet States are now fully
In Africa, the same can be said of former socialist nations. They fledged capitalist economies. The Russian Federation has since
to this day still struggle to get their economies moving. Chief also made the switch to capitalism though its iron-hand on the
among them are Uganda, Tanzania, Zambia and a host of other economy is still very much visible.
countries which deteriorated into anarchy thanks to their socialist
tendencies. The proponents of socialism and soothsayers predicting the de-
mise of capitalism attest to the fact that the rise of China as a
Socialism in its own right is genuinely appealing especially to global economic power is vindication to their opinion. What the
most Africans who find themselves on the wrong side of the dol- country of China is doing however is having the government par-
lar (they spend it rather than earn it). When socialism is sold to ticipate indirectly through government owned enterprises and
people it is said to solve their most basic needs. Like provision of banks in the economy and using the profits earned to support and
education, health services for free or much subsidized cost. finance its free services projects in education, health care, trans-
However, no one knows how these subsidies are to be paid for. portation among others. This is what has been termed Govern-
ment Sponsored Capitalism. China realised that the archaic model
It goes without saying that the governments will most definitely of socialism was hell-bent to destroy it as a nation and strip the
tax the “well to-do” to get the money needed to pay for these political power from the ruling Communist Party.It changed strat-
services. The increase of taxes on persons who earn income egy and liberalized the economy (somewhat) by allowing western
above a certain threshold is done worldwide and I am for it. How- companies to invest in China. It also remained in the economy
ever, I oppose taxation of persons solely so that income can be through its vast network of State Owned enterprises. China cur-
redistributed. This creates the very thing we do not want, people rently has the biggest bank (per market capitalization) in the
evading taxes by migrating to countries with cheaper or no taxes. world. The achievement of this economic feat (and others) is not
Persons who gain from the government services will and have because China is socialist but rather because it has adopted capi-
been known not to grow their economic status out of welfare so talism.

By Rafayili
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 9

OPITOX ART P O E T R Y :
P O R T R A I T O F A F R I E N D
What do I know about art.
A lot. I can’t give solutions to all life’s problems, doubts, or fears,
What did I know about art a few months back…… close to nothing. But I can listen to you, and together we’ll search for the answers.
I knew that art was a hard subject many girls in my school failed, and I can’t change your past with all its heartache and pain,
that it was one of those high priced things guys in movies loved to Nor the future with its untold stories,
steal. Generally, I knew that art was wonderful, but only for the rich. But I can be there now when you need me to care.
The ones we could draw, were not worth hanging up. I can’t keep your feet from stumbling,
So what changed my mind?? I learnt about art. I learnt about it the only I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
way someone can. I learnt to appreciate art. I learnt to look at it and see Your joys, triumphs, successes and happiness are not mine:
its story. I learnt to tell the difference between art of passion and art Yet I can share in your laughter.
that’s a joke. I learnt to fall in love with art, and at that point is when I Your decisions in life are not mine to neither make nor judge:
really learnt about art. I can only support you, encourage you,
I’m not one of those people to go on and on about something that I And help you when you ask.
don’t think is worth it, so when I get down to talking about it, it is be- I can’t prevent you from falling away from friendship,
cause it really has touched me. From values, from me:
I visited a young man, who was so full of life. He is a friend of mine. I I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
wanted to know what it is that makes him such a great person. So ad- I can’t give you boundaries which I’ve determined for you,
mirable. I didn’t want to ask. But I found my answer when I looked at But I can give you the room to change, to grow, room to be yourself.
his art. He paints his soul on canvas. He creates a face for his feelings. I can’t keep your hear t from breaking and hurting,
An out for his passion. He gives you a glimpse of who he is. When he But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them
smiles, when he cries. When he mourns, and when he rejoices. He back in place.
makes you feel that you know him. I can’t tell you who you are,
I had known him before, but I saw him in a different light. I looked at I can only love you and be your friend!
the hangings on the wall, and I saw zeal. I saw a never ending story of
life, with all its ups and downs. I saw my people. I saw me.
I wanted that. I wanted a way to escape the world.
When he was at work, I watched him. Everything else around him Provided By Mpuuga Bitanywaine
melted away, and he spoke the language of art. I wanted that, but I
knew the gift comes for a few.
So i took one of his pieces and hang it up by my bedside.
Now I know what art is. As most scholars say, it is difficult to come up
with a proper definition for Art, but for me, it is all there in one little
canvas.
To me it is ART. Not just a product of human creativity, but a true ex-
pression of oneself, as put forward by a master at the game.

Akelly Sara Warner <seems the writer is in love. The artist described
above can be reached thru opitox@yahoo.com >
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 1 0

G A M E T H E O R Y : T H E K I N G M A K E R

Try to explain everything, where you with a woman who is half your age, rejections and an even longer string of af-
came from where you are going to a sexual freak who looks like an fairs with women whose beauty was so
and how and why but by the third angel and whose thoughts revolve unrealistic the rest of us could only dream
woman you realize no one is listening. around you. And all those lucky guys about. No wonder she’s so lost and so
You are talking to yourself and every- who got the woman they loved, who withdrawn from the world, hidden in her
body has lost their patience, the now like them is forty years old and husband’s house and locked away from
world’s attention span is short and all infertile and probably toothless and society because she is too burdened by the
everybody is looking at is the glitter, way past her prime whose breasts shame of creating the greatest particle
the lights and the drama of the mo- are sagging and whose uterus is physicist of his time. What a bitch!
ment. The mechanics belong to the toxic and whose blood pressure
nerds that make it happen, the PHDs worries the doctor, bet those fortu- So, mate you have finally found us. We
and the QBEs who agonize over the nate guys really pity the then penni- who understand your predicament, who
principals that drive men mad in times less clown whose love they stole. see past the brilliant glow of your golden
of economic depression and political Sob, sob our heartfelt empathy goes Swiss watch and the listen through the
catastrophe when once again the to you Mr. fancy words, how we feel roaring sound of your V12 turbo charger,
cerebral ideologues rise to promi- for you having to put up with that who see past the humongous hips of your
nence and the going rate of knowl- micro waist, micro miniskirt wearing next ex girlfriend. Keep talking mate, let it
edge momentarily counters material brain dead ankole beauty when you all out because the first step is admitting
wealth; but never do they get the girl, could have had her rapidly depreci- you have a problem and yes it’s okay to
at least not their first love, not the sec- ating mother. cry.
ond one and hardly the fifth one. The
nerd you are has to settle for that su- Oh how we feel for you and in equal
per cute, light skinned muhima who measure castigate that nefarious, By Mark Abraham
wants you for your car. But you are obnoxious bitch that you call your
forty now and even though you are at first love who irreparably destroyed
the top of society’s echelons and com- your emotional existence, that bitch
mand not just wealth but knowledge whose rejection denied you the
and acclaim, there are legal and ge- amazing opportunity to witness her
netic barriers between you and the aging, to partake in her agonies and
one that started it all like her matrimo- to finance her abortions. If it weren’t
nial contract to the one she chose and for her you would be an average Joe
the biological process called aging. working nine to five for the man in a
dead end career but she had to go
Were you a lesser man you could and spoil it and make you a noctur-
regret being ambitious but the world nal math’s addict and the greatest
needed you and you couldn’t say no physicist of your time. Oh what an
to its need, without you it would have agonizing fate to be the one who
crumbled – oh what a colossal mess discovers the unknown elastic prop-
earth would have been without your erties of a little known steel alloy, to
ground breaking research on increas- be the one to have to tell the world
ing the tolerance of steel to tensile that their physics is out of date, that
stress. Wait, how about the noble a radical new approach to molecular
prize who would they have given to? engineering is necessary and hence
What a great calamity that would have propel the world into a new industrial
been! And thanks to you steel struc- age. But it all shouldn’t have been,
tures are more durable, more extensi- you could have had an amazing life
ble and your great contribution to sci- sleeping with the same woman from
ence is only next to Einstein’s equa- your twenty fifth year to your death
tion of relativity. Big deal, big ap- but she broke your heart and con-
plause! And what an agony to sleep demned you to a lengthy string of
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I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 1 2

W o r k p l a c e D i s c u s s i o n :

Recently my girlfriend was dismissed from her workplace after she develops. If she did understand why she need it. but
she was implicated in financial impropriety with some colleagues the problem is you are already condemning her for the
of hers. As a Christian I have always believed in having a woman supposed act.
who has good values. I was planning to marry this girl but given
what has happened I don’t know what i should do. My senses
are telling me I should run. I have confronted her about the alle- Kwesiga Alex
gations, and she has insisted that she is innocent. However all If you have never done it, throw the first stone......
the evidence is that she took that money. Even I myself can attest on Thursday ·
to it because there was a time she had much more money than Gabriel Kihoria Issue number 1. The guy must decide
usual yet I knew her salary very well. She even took a holiday to whats important to him. His religion beliefs and friends or
the UK early this year and bought me a nice watch. At the time I his girlfriend. Its always important to put things into per-
did not think about asking her where she got all the money from. spectives so that you know where you lie. If he feels that
You know what? I really suspect that she is guilty. Everyone in his religion beliefs have a high priority then he should kick
my church knows she was fired so it is embarrassing for me to be that woman out of his life. They are just not compatible.
seen with her. I have asked her to confess to the congregation Issue Number 2. If she is guilty. Once a thief always a
and beg God for forgiveness in front of everybody, but she has thief. If she stole some and she gets another opportunity
refused. She insists she is very innocent. What should I do? she will steal more. She is just not an honest person and if
MARTIN you live with her the spectre of her getting caught with her
fingers in the cookie jar will always be lurking around you.
Micheal Mpagi The guy simply want to pass his and religious Bugembe Michael well thank God that has happened
dominance to the lady,its no because he cared much about his before our even married but then no one is perfect and
girlfriend being fraudulent. you will never find a 100% perfact woman ,,if u feel u cant
Alyce Kazinga "For all have sinned and fallen short of God's handle it quit the relationship but if u still value your rela-
glory." Condemning her wont do any good. tionship with her then try to be supportive and be there for
Be supportive irrespective of it all and Love should prevail in the her coz this might be the time she needs u more than u
midst of all challenges,that is if u truly love her. can imagine so the choice is yours
Wait for the final verdict from her work place as u pray about it Bamuhaira Reuben The Bible puts it right that by running
God will give u a revelation about it. away from sinners is not the best way to turn them back to
Yeko Baba Sorry Martin. But you don't want to end up with a chic the good ways & God never wants a sinner to die but to
who'll steal your 900m from under your bed. live, realize his sins and repent. God still loves man de-
You can't force her to confess instead you can decide for yourself spite the sin. I would call you an irresponsible x-tian if you
how far you should take the relationship. I just hope you're not spoil your relationship because of that.
being quick to judge without clearly establishing the facts. Keep her, be calm, comfort her but time keep reminding
Patricia Akello Opoka Its obvious what you want to to do but u her that she need to be righteous to prosper. You don't
want our approval,be a man!!! need to force her to confess.
on Thursday · Report Fred Sentongo If u are a true christian, u nid to forgive
Baka Hilda Walaga Martin, first of all, have u cut ur gal some her first, then the rest will work out, running away when
slack of put in a better way given her the benefit of doubt and lis- she wasnt even punished is not heartly.
tened to all she has to say?If so then put yourself in her shoes Joshua Mmali That she may have 'stolen' the money, is
and be very honest with yourself whether u wld tell the truth to ur bad enough. That you are pushing her to confess before
so religious galfriend if it were true. There's two sides to a coin the WHOLE congregation, is ungodly enough! She needs
and everything has a reason as to y it is the way it is. your support as she deals with her job loss. She needs
Secondly asking for forgiveness is not a matter of standing infront your confidence to be able to share what she could have
of a whole congregation and making yourself right before fellow done with you (what you call confession). If she is re-
huma beings who by the way might even be more sinful than you. morseful, keep her; if she's not, think again!
It starts fromt he heart wea one feels remorseful and desires to Jacob Nsubuga It seems Martin is not ready for the hard
make good what he has done wrongly. If its true she stole the times ahead when the girlfriend is not working and what
money, she will finally have some remorse and round up asking he wants is an easy way to escape. Be man enough and
for forgiveness whether in public or in private. Ur pushing is a support your girlfriend.
sign that u ve already crucified her and that my dear brother will
only get her on the defensive.
Marriage is a gift from God, he will guide you on that issue.
Remember no one is perfect.
Enoq Omwanawomwanawomuntu Etwino Stop being Judge-
mental she probably is- give her a benefit of doubt.... Churches
have the biggest hypocrites, do you know how many church ad-
dicts or savedees are responsible for the un wanted or unplanned
pregancies annually ? the numbers are alarming high btw Every
one deserves forgiveness- forgive her ad watch the space on her
W o r k Z i n e
P a g e 1 3

H u m o u r c e n t r a l

Subject: The missing missy thing. Because we talked about people giving you them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very
nonessential work when you already have things to do short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the
first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy
From: Shannon Walkley named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already
To: David Thorne occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out
Subject: Poster of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; result-
ing in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with
Hi a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was Attached poster as requested.
wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photo- Regards, David.
copy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and photo of Missy is so small?
about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan. From: David Thorne
From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am To: Shannon Walkley
To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Subject: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
Dear Shannon, It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a Regards, David.
ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what From: Shannon Walkley
with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?" To: David Thorne
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop every- Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
thing and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David. Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this
From: Shannon Walkley and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
To: David Thorne From: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
1pm today.
Dear Shannon,
From: David Thorne Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you under-
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am stood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive
To: Shannon Walkley criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to
you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way
Dear Shannon, home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water.
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping before- I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
hand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.Regards, David.
W o r k Z i n e
P a g e 1 4

H u m o u r c e n t r a l

put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to
collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I
failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office
and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn
to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and
delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
From: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a
photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent
ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I
haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run
over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly
veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an
accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had
been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with
From: Shannon Walkley
wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it
To: David Thorne
Steven.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Regards, David.

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone num-
ber and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I
have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off
at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box
in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have
W o r k Z i n e
P a g e 1 5

H u m o u r c e n t r a l

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes
To: David Thorne and I still have to make photocopies of it.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
Please just use the photo I gave you. To: Shannon Walkley
From: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that
there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Fine. That will have to do.
Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
P a g e 1 6 W o r k Z i n e

Fespad pictorial
I s s u e 2 0
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 1 8

T h e C o n c e p t o f a “ S s e n g a ”
In the kiganda culture the word wanted to get to know the tricks as well. I the ssenga’s to turn to.
ssenga means aunty and usually the must say she did a great job educating I am however not comfortable with
practice is that when a girl is getting us on hygiene, obedience, sexual styles the fact that there is no one talking
married, there is usually a ssenga to et.c. to the men. There is no one telling
guide her, as she enters the mar- I think it is something that should them that they need to step up to
riage institution. adopted across cultures. Some women their responsibilities in marriage and
I recently attended a bridal shower of have no idea about what is expected of most of all be faithful to their wives.
friend and to my advantage, there them during marriage other than having No one is telling them that they
was a ssenga who had been brought kids. Other’s think that when you get have to bathe at least once a day,
to teach the bride to be about the married and later on have kids then life buy their wives presents, foot bills,
glories of marriage and basically give has basically stopped for you. participate in domestic chores and
her the tricks of keeping a man and People say that they are sometimes dis- call them darling every once in a
the art of satisfying her husband. gusting and I couldn’t agree more but yet while.
I was excited because as far as I again, one should be able to call a spade The women are trained hard to re-
know in the acholi culture, you are a spade. Secondly our mothers will defi- spect their husbands; please them,
not really prepared for these things. nitely be too shy to educate us on mat- keep clean for them, and respect
You basically hit the ground running. ters of marriage. Girls today are brought their in-laws. Who is telling the
This was my opportunity to learn. up in a dot.com way that kind of blinds men?
I think I paid more attention than the them from reality. We are shielded by our By Amony Brenda
bride did, partly because she was parents and not exposed to the harsh-
speaking in Luganda and secondly I ness of marriage. Good thing is we have

W h e n
Recent happenings that have defined the status quo in Uganda have un- Several Ugandans in the north are forcefully driven to a shamefully
derscored the sad reality of the scope of the suffering of the vast majority hopeless life in concentration camps during the Kony war, while in the
of Uganda’s populace. We have progressively witnessed and experienced corridors of power, some greedy politicians are allegedly devising
senseless wars and inhuman atrocities, barbaric acts of terror, deadly schemes on how to “steal” their cherished land and profit from their mis-
natural disasters, epidemics, and a host of other heart ery. And what should we say about the numerous or-
wrenching catastrophes such as fatal road accidents, phaned kids lining our busy streets daily and begging for
deadly school infernos, etc. Today, it is not uncom- food and money? How about the apparent prejudices care-
mon for one to hear lamentations of injustices alleg- fully executed in places of work, during job interviews, and
edly engineered by some selfish employer against an in other institutions such as schools and hospitals? Why
honest employee, or the cry of a poor mother suffer- must my tribe or political affiliation be a determinant in
ing the painful sight of her dying child because the assuring my place for a given job, or in providing expedi-
local health center is grossly inadequately stocked tious help when needed? How is it that one can swindle
with essential medicines. Our country is plagued with public funds and yet be rubbing shoulders irreproachably
a variety of avoidable problems, and the average with His Excellency after such scandals? Why are innocent
Ugandan have had to painstakingly work his way civilians participating in lawful political gatherings being
against tremendous odds to provide for his family and randomly whipped, shot and murdered in cold blood? Has
earn a decent living. It is a far cry from the promised our character as a nation gone to the dogs? Are there no
unity, peace and prosperity; it is characteristic of the more respectable and sincerely patriotic authorities in
suffering nation. In retrospect, Uganda’s troubles are Uganda? Our roads may be deplorable, our health care
manifold: one morning, we wake up to news of hun- pathetic, our education quality wanting, our traditions and
dreds of lives lost in a land slide disaster, and on an- cultures eroding, our freedom and privacy infringed upon,
other day, we hear of twin bomb blasts killing scores of innocent people but it is our firm resolve as a nation to pursue unity, peace and prosperity
watching a World Cup soccer match. Some ate rats as a “delicacy” be- that will doubtless take us a step closer to healing the nation’s wounds.
cause of famine caused by prolonged drought, while others lost homes Our leaders must refine their individual character and dedicate them-
and businesses in other parts of the country that experienced unprece- selves to a duty of selfless, patriotic service. Voters must dutifully kick
dented flooding. One could be mourning the loss of a beloved relation out non-performing, hypocritical politicians. With confident optimism, we
who perished in a preventable school fire today, and the next day going to can harness the skill and ingenuity of our motherland, and advance to-
a funeral of a friend who died in a preventable road carnage. Somewhere ward a better day. Unless we recognize that we are all Ugandans who
in a national referral hospital, some helpless expecting mother is giving need to prosper together, then our troubles are far from over.
birth on the stairs of the hospital, while in some village upcountry, some Mark Omara,
child is dying from diarrhoea or malaria because available medicines have Lira. E-mail: omamark@gmail.com
expired in national stores. If it is not Ebola this year, then it is likely to be
swine flu next year -manageable epidemics that nevertheless kill dozens.
W o r k Z i n e
P a g e 1 9

No more facebook for Pastor Martin Sempa, gay is right or wrong. We are all entitled to a fit
or as I like to call him, The Most Electrifying
I ’ m A f r a i d or two of righteous indignation when we en-
Man In Sports Entertainment.
W e ’ r e G o n n a counter those whose sins are different from
H a v e T o A s k
ours. My interest in Pastor Sempa comes from
Why I call him that? Well, he is not exactly Y o u T o
the fact that when you autotune his voice and
who he says he is, and if I call him that, then L e a v e , S i r …
loop it over a techno beat the result is funky
he is not exactly who I say he is either. I rely
fresh.
on trivial little toys like this to amuse myself.
But if he is entertaining at first, he quickly gets
It was the ultimate defriend-ment. It’s bad
old, and becomes pathetic and then disturbing
enough when one put-upon ex-buddy locks By Ernest Bazanye and then you feel violated from just having
you out of their account after what you said
heard him. Pinky and The Brain is much better
about their date’s hairstyle in that tagged pic-
— It’s also evil and cartoonish, but it’s much
ture, but for Pastor Doctor Sempa, it was the
more palatable.
entire social networking website that has by making the dice move by them-
chucked him. We logged on to read the star- When Busingye told us about the alleged ban-
tling news last week that the doctor’s account ishment of the shepherd he didn’t particularly
had been snuffed out. He would no longer be think he would miss the old man, but he was
permitted to poke, like, post, comment or lol wondering what this meant for free speech in
at anything. general. Busingye is that kind of man. He wor-
ries about what things mean for free speech. In
This news it turns out may not have been be
general.
entirely accurate. I just did a search and Mar-
tin Sempa’s FB is still very much in situ, albeit Hate speech is not permitted on facebook,
with only one friend. Yes, only one. The won- naturally. As a privately-owned party it can
ders of mathematics. I am dicing and fencing decide what it will permit and deny, and you
with the idea of sending a friend request right can’t bring your human rights wololo to a pri-
now. I want to know what is going on, but not vate party, but given the size of this thing…
badly enough to be dude’s friend…
Facebook is huuuuge. And it’s all over the
If he was or if he ever is kicked off FB it would internet. Every website you visit — the news,
probably be something to do with violating the selves. Pastor Martin is a vigorous and youtube, prawns (you know I can’t write that
company’s terms of service. When one joins, driven and very focused opponent of word in full for fear of attracting sprawms) blogs
one is asked to abide by certain rules, includ- whatever he claims homosexuality is— – they always have the little ‘F’ logo floating
ing those that demand one refrain from hate he is so focused that the bio part, where around somewhere. Even my yahoo mail is
speech and incitement. Zukerburg invites users to “tell us a little linked to FB, and though my gmail and twitter
about yourself”, he says, “Hates The are not, I already have apps that force them to
Pastor Mar’n is best known as a moral cru-
Homos!” coexist with it in one consolidated stream.
sader. Wait. That’s like saying that an earth-
quake is best known for ruining Ludo games I am not going to discuss whether being I fear that in the end it’s going to look like this

@WORKZINE
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 2 0

IDLER’S CORNER
By Brian B. Coutinho
H i p e o p l e !

(eh, looks like MS Word has dropped off (and I don’t mean like that sorry ex- knows why it’s called the return key… that’s
my list of most used programs… that’s cuse of a security guard who’s trying what google (you could use yahoo for a change
weird... hmm… See, I read in word, flow- to find a bomb under your clothes (I you know, poor guys must be feeling left out) is
ing text makes things so convenient with really wanted to use the word “skirt” for I guess…)) by accident that time, just I was
a tiny monitor and all… (I said hi right? there, but mbu that is sexist, what- telling you to go with it so I decided to follow my
Ah, yes I did, right there at the top of the ever that means))))))) now there’s a own advice (see, it really is a “do as I do” world,
page) (lemme (excuse the strange or at least, it should be, just doing my
language, see this six hundred word small part (being the change I want to
thing(*ahem* this is soo an excuse see and all that yada))(ok, I think I just
(this is called lampshade hanging lost myself, so I’m going to hit “enter” (or
whereby- eh, google oyee? Yes, you “return”, whatever your bent) and hope
know what to do))) guess, wondering that wherever I enter helps me find my-
about the tiny monitor bit) um, I know self) (ooh, so many opportunities for
I should still be in at least one set of entendres there!!))
brackets… lemme (there it is again) (Eh, this is kinda weird huh? No, I’m not
change paragraph, just to make it really referring to anything in particular
more legible, (I’m not really sure for that time, just trying to keep the flow
who, but there you go) flowing, the inspiration inspiring, the…
(Still within a set of brackets huh? (you catch my drift don’t you?))
Paragraph shifting ones this time :-)) (interesting point, for once Abid (in other
here’s an interesting (well, the word words (aka (AKA))) hasn’t (here’s an-
“interesting” here really is relative you other interesting point, between the last
know (ok, now someone’s bagging word and the next(outside the brackets
me, hold up for a sec)) well, where of course) I’ve attended a small party,
was I? (you know, that is a totally had a good night’s sleep and started a
redundant question come to think of it new day… lovely huh?(well, if you really
(yes, I am typing this as I think it out, have to know I was typing in my idle
meaning you are actually seeing one time… that time came to a very rude
of the great minds(really) of this cen- ending, didn’t even had time to sign off,
tury (well, year, no? week? Day? Ah that’s what I’m doing now, finishing off
come on, give me the hour at least… sentences and the like)) been on my
okay okay, one of the great minds of case (we’re back on Abid now in case
this second (there amended, you happy healthy bunch of brackets, wouldn’t you’re wondering, just realized I was while read-
now?) (you know, that just doesn’t make you say? (more lampshade hanging ing through (see, one of the signs of a great
sense, now does it? I’m sticking to the here, but I really am on a roll, so just mind at work – can’t always keep up with your-
original, well, close enough) you are go with it, will ya?) (tee hee, I just self. :-). )) like “your article, your article…” hmm,
watching (reading really) one of the great confused the word processor, start- he’s learning. That makes me happy. ) ok, I’ve
minds of this unspecified time period (that ing to underline everything in kinda lost track of brackets, so I’m just going to
works, doesn’t it? (in my mind its really green… cool!!) exit this particular one and get back to the point.
something like “daen’t it?” (sound it out) Another paragraph change (actually (yes, I did have a point back then when I said
but I figured no one would really get it hit the “return” key (you know the hi…) here goes…)
and I really do live for my fans… all one one, usually has the word “enter” on Eh, I’m outta space! (Drat.)
of them :-) ) (just so you know, I feel it (wonder if anyone today actually
you…

C O O L P H O N E A C C E S S O R I E S
P a g e 2 1 W o r k Z i n e

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A f r i c a n m o v i e s , w h i t e p r o t a g o n i s t s

generation later. Who will American movie audiences identify
with if there’s no reassuring white face as main character???

The Constant Gar-
dener (2005), International murder mystery featuring Ralph
Fiennes as naive husband and Rachel Weisz as the beautiful
wife, murdered, but why? Show Weisz’s character, playing with
children in Kibera slums, or insisting on having her baby in a
Nairobi hospital to illustrate her essential goodness. Show be-
nevolent white man with a shady past, working in Somalia’s aid Blood Diamond (2006), Leonardo DiCaprio, a Boer diamond
camps to erase the black marks from his soul. Have Fiennes smuggler with a wallet where his heart should be, finds his hu-
stalked and (spoiler!) murdered in the harsh, bleak wasteland of manity in the animalistic howls of Djimon Hounsou, victim of
remotest Kenya and what do you have? Africa as beautiful diamond-fuelled conflict. Throw in a child soldier, and Jennifer
backdrop, landscapes as metaphors against which the good- Connelly as sexy international reporter and love interest and
ness and badness and essential humanity of rich, lily-white you have a moral tale that would make Kanyeezie proud. (“I
characters can be illustrated. Black Africans as complex char- thought my Jesus Piece was so harmless ’til I seen a picture of
acters with diverse motivations, interests, and histories? Try a shorty armless”)
another movie son. Like a bad optical illusion, once you start to see it you can’t un-
see it. “African” movies, where Africa is nothing but a pretty
backdrop, and African people are merely foils to the white pro-
tagonists complex and compelling character development: Afri-
can children for the white man to play soccer with showing his
kindness, mysterious and sexy black women for him to fuck,
showing his weakness, maybe a villager or 20 to rescue; after
all, what is an action movie without a superhero?
Out of Africa, A Good Man in Africa, Noah Wyle’s character in
that season of E.R when he goes to Congo, the only exception
I can think of is Hotel Rwanda. It’s not that these movies are
bad necessarily,you can’t fault Blood Diamond for publicising
the issue of conflict diamonds, and the producers of The Con-
stant Gardener built a school in Kibera after filming there. But
together these movies are notable because the highlight an
absence of the alternative: African movies with African heroes.
That’s what we need to see more of. I won’t even take on the
issue of famous American actors playing African roles (Forrest
Whitaker, Jennifer Hudson in the upcoming Winnie Mandela
The Last King of Scotland. Want to make a movie about the biopic), or Kenyans, South Africans and Nigerians playing
most significant individual in Uganda’s history? Reviled, hated, Rwandans, Ugandans, Congolese or whatever (as opposed to
feared, even loved dictator who ruled with an iron fist wrapped getting actors from the country in which the film is supposed to
around a bloody hachet; rumoured cannibal, infamous polyga- be set). I just want to see African movies in which an African
mist, charismatic, anglophilic, barely educated military man who character, falls in love, makes mistakes, has a change of heart,
clawed his way to power and once there, thumbed his nose at grows, succeeds, fails, develops! An African movie about an
western dictates? Well why not make the story all about a fic- African man or woman. Is that too much to ask?
tional, puny Scottish doctor who gets sucked into Amin’s dan-
gerous web! Oh and make sure he gets out alive, never mind
the thousands of real Ugandans, murdered, exiled, forced to
betray family and neighbours during Amin’s time. Don’t say
anything about the impact of an insane, paranoid dictator on a
nation, an impact that can be seen in contemporary Uganda a
I s s u e 2 0 P a g e 2 2

M o n d a y m a s s a c r e s

We’ve heard this phrase over and d u t t y l o v e what dreadlocks can do for a guy, learn-
over again. In songs. Many songs ing how useful it is to be overly active
actually. Dutty love. And like the and talkative, even when you don’t really
faithful, we sing along. I took time off have much to say. Just say ‘I do not
to do some heavy investigations into have much to say. But…’ and then
the meaning of this phrase ‘dutty launch a monologue. Though you would-
love’. n’t call it a monologue; that word means
To aid my investigations, I had to bad manners in Uganda. Ok, so watch
choose between Sean Paul and Big Brother ya? Ok)
Sean Kingston, both frequent users Our hero keeps moving menacingly to-
of the phrase. Not a hard choice ac- wards the leader. He gets to him and the
tually. fight that we’ve all been waiting for
Dutty love is when brave, brawny, throughout this post begins. They fight.
sweaty fighter shoots an entire vil- And they fight. Punch. Blow. Kick. Lost
lage in his quest to rescue damsel. tooth (it flies very very slowly out of the
He shoots. Sweats. Reloads. Shoots. mouth of the leader, he makes an arghh
Says some heavy fighter words. Like sound, and we see some small drops of
“I kill you. Really, I kill you”. And then blood fly in slow motion after the tooth.
he runs off doing even more shoot- They both land at about the same time
ing. Then he finally gets to the leader the faceoff. These are the villagers some distance off. The camera focuses
of the weasels who have his damsel that our hero didn’t kill during his on them for a few minutes then we get
captive. He aims to fire, and the gun wild gun-totting on his way to meet back to the fighters). More punches. Out
jams. The beefy leader also aims a the leader in this standoff they are of nowhere, a round kick. Leader is
gun at him and it too jams. So they in now. down. Hero is standing over him.
drop the guns. And they stare each (Side Poll: Don’t you find it odd “Where is she? Where is she?” he
other deep in the eye ball. Eye balls that villagers would go out of their screams
lock. Time stands still. The birds stop way to go watch a fight between “I don’t know”
chirping. Other birds stop making out. the two grown men in our story? Hero raises his hand
Dry leaves drop to the ground. Don’t they have anything better to “Ok ok ok. I’ll tell you. She’s in the room
Our hero: “Give me the girl and all do with their time? See, Big at the back.”
this will go away. No one else has to Brother All Stars does have some Hero punches him. It’s lights out. Hero
get hurt” upsides…if those villagers had it, walks off to find the room at the back.
Leader of pack that has girl cap- they wouldn’t even give this face- The villagers clear his path. He walks.
tive: (He doesn’t have too big a vo- off any attention. Only the village Kicks the door open. Rushes towards the
cabulary) muhahahahahaha livestock would be witness. The room at the back. He is both excited and
Our Hero: I said give me the girl and happy villagers would be glued to apprehensive; will she still love him in
I won’t hurt any of you their TV sets, on Big Brother, this state? He kicks open the door of the
Leader of the pack that has the girl watching how grown men and room at the back. And there she is doing
captive: I said muhahahaahah women go through the stages of bad manners with someone else. That’s
Our hero moves menacingly towards courting, listening to the life- dutty love.
the leader. By now a small crowd of changing things that these people
villagers has started to gather, to see pass onto us, seeing first hand As told by Sean Paul to Sleek and wild
ADS, EVENTS, AND BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUTS TO : Kyomugisha Agnes Twesigomwe 11 August, Hassan Ali Rimex 11 August
EVERYTHING ELSE Alex Brunner 12 August Frank Kalabamu 12 August,Melinda Anyait 12 August,Victoria Yiga 13 Au-
gust,George Marshall 13 August Kukunda Ruth 13 August,Joshua Kabugo 13 August,Louis Tumukunde 14
August Viola Nasuuna 14 August,Mwesigye Billie Brian 16 August, Hyena Frank Jr 16 August, Anthony Kawuma 16 August, Kansiime
Judith 17 August, Musabe Ann 18 August ,David Kyambadde 18 August, Pierre Musinguzi 18 August Nyakato Moreen 18 August Ray Opray 18 Au-
gust ,Umah Tete Peace 18 August, Raymond Besiga 18 August, Eunike Nanzala 19 August, Remmy Rehema 19 August, Wampso Drew Eli 19 August,
David Katimbo-Mugwanya 20 August, Kaptain Nesta Roy 20 August, Angela Kiconco 21 August, Atim Esther 21 August Golooba Lwanga 21
August, Pius Abesiga 21 August, Owori Rachel 21 August Patrick Muhereza 21 August. Amos Mpungu 23 August, Henry Murphy 23 August
Ivy Njerenga 24 August, Godfrey Mawa 25 August, Charles Masanso 26 Au- gust, Estherlynn Mwangi 26 August,Lydia Ochienghs 26 August,
Diana Bwanika 27 August, Charity Kesiime 28 August, Duke Roger Mugume 28 August, Samm Kabagambe 29 August, Murari Phillip 29 August,
Vance Brown 30 August,Joshua Nkurunziza 30 August,Daphy Disiac 30 Au- gust Justus Amanyire 30 August Carlo Tess 31 August
Apollo Karugaba 30 August

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