HEIDI 3 A COMEDY SKETCH BY PETER LEE For Gaz, Neil, Rich and Al. Theme tune ANNOUNCER Episode seven. Heidi has come back to her Grandfather after a period in jail on prostitution charges. Alp Urhi1, Heidi’s grandfather, is still a dirty old man who “owns” a herd of goats which are minded by Goat Peter, a young boy with a stupid hat and an irritating habit of shouting “hapla!”2 all the time. HEIDI Grandfather! GRANDFATHER Heidi! Where’s Goat Peter?3 HEIDI He’s locked himself inside the goat shed with all the goats. GRANDFATHER What is he doing? HEIDI It smells like they’re making cheese. GRANDFATHER How are the villagers? HEIDI They seem to be fine. They’re asking about you. ANNOUNCER In the village... ANGRY WOMAN He’s up there with the young slag! They’re both up there! Who knows what they’re doing?4 BLIND WOMAN Don’t ask me, I’m blind. Have you got any baps for me? ANGRY WOMAN No. We’ll have to send Heidi to Germany again to get some for you. She brought you twenty-five of them in the last series.5 1 Actually, in the book his name is Őhi, the “O” being softened, hence the “Urhi” because that’s what it sounded like at the time. 2 Or something like that anyway. 3 He always seemed to be asking this. 4 There was always one woman in the village that seemed completely irate. I thought I’d make her a character ☺ 5 She did – she hid them in the wardrobe. BLIND WOMAN They were all stale though! 25 stale baps with fluff all over them!6 Now can someone tell me why my eyes are silver?7 ANNOUNCER Back at Alp Urhi’s house... GRANDFATHER Now Heidi. I’ve just got a facsimile from the village saying that the Blind Woman has got no baps. HEIDI I already knew. Its hardly a secret with all those baggy black sack things she wears.8 And those silver eyes! Oh! GRANDFATHER There’s nothing to it, you must go back to Germany to Fraulein Rottenmeier. HEIDI Oh no, not her. GRANDFATHER You must go. The future of this village depends on you. Besides, I want to grow a beard and I want grey hair.9 HEIDI Well, if you put it that way, I’ll go. ANNOUNCER The next day, Heidi left for Frankfurt. She walked through the village, everyone said goodbye, and she waited for the train. Eventually it came, and after a long and hard journey lasting four episodes of “Silas”10 she arrived in Frankfurt. One of the first things she saw was the clock tower. She, being a nosey so-and-so, climbed it. HEIDI I can’t see Grandfather’s house! Oh look, there’s Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house, and there’s the bap wagon bringing some new ones just for me!11 OLD MAN What are you doing? Nobody comes up here! HEIDI I’m sorry. I’m looking for my Grandfather’s house. OLD MAN Where does he live? HEIDI Switzerland. OLD MAN Christ! You can’t even see the edge of the country from here!12 Hey, is that really Shirley Temple’s wig that you’re wearing?13 6 I often wondered when watching the original series if Johanna Spyri had thought of the freshness factor re: the baps. Surely the floor of a wardrobe isn’t the ideal storage place? 7 Common way to indicate blindness in old TV shows. Fact. 8 That’s all she ever seemed to wear – a big black smock thing. 9 He already had these, but… 10 Another seemingly endless (and badly dubbed) children’s TV serial. 11 Considering how many baps she nicked, I reckoned there just had to be a wagon delivering them each day. 12 Strange thing that happened in the original series – she went up a tower to see if she could see her home in Switzerland… from Frankfurt. HEIDI Cheeky git. I’m going to get some baps. OLD MAN No, you’re not very well endowed are you?14 ANNOUNCER So, Heidi walked to Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house. On the way, she had a look at the fountain in the square15 and then she found Fraulein Rottenmeiers house. She knocked on the door. BUTLER16 Yes? Oh no, not you! We haven’t got all the baps ready yet! HEIDI Where’s Klara? BUTLER Trying to walk in her room. HEIDI I thought she used a wheelchair? BUTLER No, she traded it in for an alumina turbo Zimmer with go-faster stripes on it.17 HEIDI Will it still be able to be thrown off the High Pasture? BUTLER I should think so, yes. HEIDI Can I come in? BUTLER Certainly. ANNOUNCER So, Heidi was inside Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house for the second time in her life. She was shown to her room by the butler. BUTLER Here is your room, and here is the skip for your baps. HEIDI They’re not that big! Oh, the baps for the Blind Woman! Silly me! BUTLER Quite. KLARA Heidi! You’re back! 13 The actress who played Heidi had unnaturally curly hair, just like Shirley Temple. 14 Fnar fnar. 15 This happened in one episode. 16 Sebastian. 17 Bit of silliness there. HEIDI Klara! Why can’t you walk anymore? KLARA Well, the train that brought us back to Frankfurt was derailed and I fell out onto a piece of metal which chipped several of the vertebrae in my spinal column and severed some of the nerves. HEIDI Does it hurt? KLARA It stings a bit. Why are you back? HEIDI The Blind Woman hasn’t got any baps. KLARA Is she the one with silver eyes? HEIDI Yes. KLARA I thought shed be dead! HEIDI No. She’s knocking on a bit though! KLARA I think lunch is due. Let Fraulein Rottenmeier see you again. She’ll be pleased to see you! ROTTENMEIER What are you doing back? We not made of baps, you know. HEIDI I hope the food is better than in the last series KLARA Heidi, where’s Goat Peter HEIDI He’s with the goats. Why do you ask? KLARA This will come as a shock to all of you, but I am carrying Goat Peters child! HEIDI You bitch! I was his girlfriend! KLARA Oh yeah? What did you think Peter and I were doing on the High Pasture? Picking daisies? He was the best lover I ever had! HEIDI Oh yeah? He called me Hot Heidi. What did he call you? KLARA Kinky Klara! Beat that! ROTTENMEIER He called me Rampant Rottenmeier. KLARA Mother! TEACHER Hello everyone. I heard you talking about Goat Peter and I’ve got a question for you all. KLARA Go on. TEACHER If he loves you all, why does he spend so much time with his goats? HEIDI We’ll go and see. Where are the baps? BUTLER There’s a fleet of wagons waiting outside. ANNOUNCER So, after the sex scandal, they all go back to Switzerland to sort Goat Peter out. The journey back is comparatively short, only lasting for one season of the Keith Harris and Orville show18. They arrived back at the village... HEIDI I’ll just nip round to the Blind Woman’s house with her baps. BLIND WOMAN HEY! I have got a name, you know! I’m sick and tired of just being called the Blind Woman!19 HEIDI What’s your name then? BLIND WOMAN It’s... it’s... I can’t remember! It’s just that I’ve been known as the Blind Woman for all my life. KLARA Why is that? BLIND WOMAN Are you a bimbo or something? Its because I’m blind! HEIDI Here are your baps, The Blind Woman. BLIND WOMAN How many are there? BUTLER Twenty seven thousand, six hundred and forty two.20 BLIND WOMAN Are they stale? 18 Hmmm. 19 I think in the original series they called her “The Blind Grandmother”. Still, how nice to call somebody by their disability rather than their own name. 20 Rough estimate. BUTLER No. BLIND WOMAN Thank you, Heidi. You have been very good to me. What can I do to thank you? HEIDI Take those horrid silver contact lenses out. BLIND WOMAN Certainly. (She does). Blimey – I can see! HEIDI Now to see my Grandfather. ANNOUNCER So they all walked to the mountain to Alp Urhi’s luxury dwelling. HEIDI Grandfather! Grandfather! GRANDFATHER Heidi? Heidi? HEIDI Grandfather! GRANDFATHER Heidi! Where’s Goat Peter? HEIDI Were going to find out. ANNOUNCER So, they walked to the goat shed and battered the door down. HEIDI PETER! What are you doing? PETER I’m delivering my son! ANNOUNCER Yes, a goat was giving birth to Goat Peter’s child. He lay there, next to it, with his arm around it.21 PETER This is my son. HEIDI You pervert! You called me Hot Heidi! KLARA Kinky Klara! ROTTENMEIER Rampant Rottenmeier! 21 I kind of lost it a bit here. PETER Well this is Great Goat. I’m sorry Klara, but I can’t throw your Zimmer off the High Pasture. KLARA It’s alright. HEIDI Klara, I quite fancy you really. KLARA I fancy you too! HEIDI Where do we go from here? GRANDFATHER Stale bread and goat’s milk, anyone? THE END Written by PETER LEE 9/12/1998 (C) 1998, 2004 Nasal Hair Productions 22 22 Annotated by Peter Lee in Flixton, Manchester – 30th December 2002.