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					                                             HEIDI 3
                                        A COMEDY SKETCH BY
                                             PETER LEE

                                          For Gaz, Neil, Rich and Al.

Theme tune

                                                  ANNOUNCER
Episode seven. Heidi has come back to her Grandfather after a period in jail on prostitution charges. Alp Urhi1,
Heidi’s grandfather, is still a dirty old man who “owns” a herd of goats which are minded by Goat Peter, a
young boy with a stupid hat and an irritating habit of shouting “hapla!”2 all the time.

                                                     HEIDI
Grandfather!

                                               GRANDFATHER
Heidi! Where’s Goat Peter?3

                                                      HEIDI
He’s locked himself inside the goat shed with all the goats.

                                               GRANDFATHER
What is he doing?

                                                     HEIDI
It smells like they’re making cheese.

                                               GRANDFATHER
How are the villagers?

                                                     HEIDI
They seem to be fine. They’re asking about you.

                                                  ANNOUNCER
In the village...

                                              ANGRY WOMAN
He’s up there with the young slag! They’re both up there! Who knows what they’re doing?4

                                             BLIND WOMAN
Don’t ask me, I’m blind. Have you got any baps for me?

                                            ANGRY WOMAN
No. We’ll have to send Heidi to Germany again to get some for you. She brought you twenty-five of them in the
last series.5




1
  Actually, in the book his name is Őhi, the “O” being softened, hence the “Urhi” because that’s what it sounded
like at the time.
2
  Or something like that anyway.
3
  He always seemed to be asking this.
4
  There was always one woman in the village that seemed completely irate. I thought I’d make her a character
☺
5
  She did – she hid them in the wardrobe.
                                                BLIND WOMAN
They were all stale though! 25 stale baps with fluff all over them!6 Now can someone tell me why my eyes are
silver?7

                                                 ANNOUNCER
Back at Alp Urhi’s house...

                                               GRANDFATHER
Now Heidi. I’ve just got a facsimile from the village saying that the Blind Woman has got no baps.

                                                       HEIDI
I already knew. Its hardly a secret with all those baggy black sack things she wears.8 And those silver eyes!
Oh!

                                              GRANDFATHER
There’s nothing to it, you must go back to Germany to Fraulein Rottenmeier.

                                                      HEIDI
Oh no, not her.

                                              GRANDFATHER
You must go. The future of this village depends on you. Besides, I want to grow a beard and I want grey hair.9

                                                      HEIDI
Well, if you put it that way, I’ll go.

                                                  ANNOUNCER
The next day, Heidi left for Frankfurt. She walked through the village, everyone said goodbye, and she waited
for the train. Eventually it came, and after a long and hard journey lasting four episodes of “Silas”10 she arrived
in Frankfurt. One of the first things she saw was the clock tower. She, being a nosey so-and-so, climbed it.

                                                     HEIDI
I can’t see Grandfather’s house! Oh look, there’s Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house, and there’s the bap wagon
bringing some new ones just for me!11

                                                    OLD MAN
What are you doing? Nobody comes up here!

                                                      HEIDI
I’m sorry. I’m looking for my Grandfather’s house.

                                                    OLD MAN
Where does he live?

                                                      HEIDI
Switzerland.

                                                  OLD MAN
Christ! You can’t even see the edge of the country from here!12 Hey, is that really Shirley Temple’s wig that
you’re wearing?13

6
  I often wondered when watching the original series if Johanna Spyri had thought of the freshness factor re: the
baps. Surely the floor of a wardrobe isn’t the ideal storage place?
7
  Common way to indicate blindness in old TV shows. Fact.
8
  That’s all she ever seemed to wear – a big black smock thing.
9
  He already had these, but…
10
   Another seemingly endless (and badly dubbed) children’s TV serial.
11
   Considering how many baps she nicked, I reckoned there just had to be a wagon delivering them each day.
12
   Strange thing that happened in the original series – she went up a tower to see if she could see her home in
Switzerland… from Frankfurt.
                                                      HEIDI
Cheeky git. I’m going to get some baps.

                                                   OLD MAN
No, you’re not very well endowed are you?14

                                               ANNOUNCER
So, Heidi walked to Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house. On the way, she had a look at the fountain in the square15 and
then she found Fraulein Rottenmeiers house. She knocked on the door.

                                                 BUTLER16
Yes? Oh no, not you! We haven’t got all the baps ready yet!

                                                      HEIDI
Where’s Klara?

                                                    BUTLER
Trying to walk in her room.

                                                      HEIDI
I thought she used a wheelchair?

                                                  BUTLER
No, she traded it in for an alumina turbo Zimmer with go-faster stripes on it.17

                                                       HEIDI
Will it still be able to be thrown off the High Pasture?

                                                    BUTLER
I should think so, yes.

                                                      HEIDI
Can I come in?

                                                    BUTLER
Certainly.

                                               ANNOUNCER
So, Heidi was inside Fraulein Rottenmeier’s house for the second time in her life. She was shown to her room
by the butler.

                                                    BUTLER
Here is your room, and here is the skip for your baps.

                                                   HEIDI
They’re not that big! Oh, the baps for the Blind Woman! Silly me!

                                                    BUTLER
Quite.

                                                     KLARA
Heidi! You’re back!


13
   The actress who played Heidi had unnaturally curly hair, just like Shirley Temple.
14
   Fnar fnar.
15
   This happened in one episode.
16
   Sebastian.
17
   Bit of silliness there.
                                                     HEIDI
Klara! Why can’t you walk anymore?

                                                     KLARA
Well, the train that brought us back to Frankfurt was derailed and I fell out onto a piece of metal which chipped
several of the vertebrae in my spinal column and severed some of the nerves.

                                                     HEIDI
Does it hurt?

                                                    KLARA
It stings a bit. Why are you back?

                                                     HEIDI
The Blind Woman hasn’t got any baps.

                                                    KLARA
Is she the one with silver eyes?

                                                     HEIDI
Yes.

                                                    KLARA
I thought shed be dead!

                                                     HEIDI
No. She’s knocking on a bit though!

                                                    KLARA
I think lunch is due. Let Fraulein Rottenmeier see you again. She’ll be pleased to see you!

                                           ROTTENMEIER
What are you doing back? We not made of baps, you know.

                                                     HEIDI
I hope the food is better than in the last series

                                                    KLARA
Heidi, where’s Goat Peter

                                                     HEIDI
He’s with the goats. Why do you ask?

                                                     KLARA
This will come as a shock to all of you, but I am carrying Goat Peters child!

                                                     HEIDI
You bitch! I was his girlfriend!

                                                 KLARA
Oh yeah? What did you think Peter and I were doing on the High Pasture? Picking daisies? He was the best
lover I ever had!

                                                   HEIDI
Oh yeah? He called me Hot Heidi. What did he call you?

                                                    KLARA
Kinky Klara! Beat that!
                                                 ROTTENMEIER
He called me Rampant Rottenmeier.

                                                      KLARA
Mother!

                                                 TEACHER
Hello everyone. I heard you talking about Goat Peter and I’ve got a question for you all.

                                                      KLARA
Go on.

                                                  TEACHER
If he loves you all, why does he spend so much time with his goats?

                                                       HEIDI
We’ll go and see. Where are the baps?

                                                     BUTLER
There’s a fleet of wagons waiting outside.

                                                  ANNOUNCER
So, after the sex scandal, they all go back to Switzerland to sort Goat Peter out. The journey back is
comparatively short, only lasting for one season of the Keith Harris and Orville show18. They arrived back at
the village...

                                                    HEIDI
I’ll just nip round to the Blind Woman’s house with her baps.

                                           BLIND WOMAN
HEY! I have got a name, you know! I’m sick and tired of just being called the Blind Woman!19

                                                       HEIDI
What’s your name then?

                                                     BLIND WOMAN
It’s... it’s... I can’t remember! It’s just that I’ve been known as the Blind Woman for all my life.

                                                      KLARA
Why is that?

                                             BLIND WOMAN
Are you a bimbo or something? Its because I’m blind!

                                                       HEIDI
Here are your baps, The Blind Woman.

                                                 BLIND WOMAN
How many are there?

                                                 BUTLER
Twenty seven thousand, six hundred and forty two.20

                                                 BLIND WOMAN
Are they stale?

18
   Hmmm.
19
   I think in the original series they called her “The Blind Grandmother”. Still, how nice to call somebody by
their disability rather than their own name.
20
   Rough estimate.
                                                     BUTLER
No.

                                            BLIND WOMAN
Thank you, Heidi. You have been very good to me. What can I do to thank you?

                                                       HEIDI
Take those horrid silver contact lenses out.

                                                 BLIND WOMAN
Certainly. (She does). Blimey – I can see!

                                                       HEIDI
Now to see my Grandfather.

                                                ANNOUNCER
So they all walked to the mountain to Alp Urhi’s luxury dwelling.

                                                       HEIDI
Grandfather! Grandfather!

                                                GRANDFATHER
Heidi? Heidi?

                                                       HEIDI
Grandfather!

                                                GRANDFATHER
Heidi! Where’s Goat Peter?

                                                       HEIDI
Were going to find out.

                                                 ANNOUNCER
So, they walked to the goat shed and battered the door down.

                                                       HEIDI
PETER! What are you doing?

                                                      PETER
I’m delivering my son!

                                                 ANNOUNCER
Yes, a goat was giving birth to Goat Peter’s child. He lay there, next to it, with his arm around it.21

                                                      PETER
This is my son.

                                                       HEIDI
You pervert! You called me Hot Heidi!

                                                      KLARA
Kinky Klara!

                                                 ROTTENMEIER
Rampant Rottenmeier!


21
     I kind of lost it a bit here.
                                                       PETER
Well this is Great Goat. I’m sorry Klara, but I can’t throw your Zimmer off the High Pasture.

                                                    KLARA
It’s alright.

                                                     HEIDI
Klara, I quite fancy you really.

                                                    KLARA
I fancy you too!

                                                     HEIDI
Where do we go from here?

                                               GRANDFATHER
Stale bread and goat’s milk, anyone?



                                                   THE END

                                                   Written by
                                                  PETER LEE
                                                   9/12/1998
                                     (C) 1998, 2004 Nasal Hair Productions
                                                      22




22
     Annotated by Peter Lee in Flixton, Manchester – 30th December 2002.

				
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