MY PINT WITH CONAN By Gregory Breen Gregory Breen 2016-185 Legion Road North Etobicoke, ON M8Y 0A1 647-350-7594 email@example.com FADE IN: INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB - EVENING The pub is tiny with a small bar and a few of tables. There are about 10 people in there. JOHN O’BRIEN (65) sits at the end of the bar. He is dressed in a suit and grey fedora and gives off an air of James Joyce. The bartender,KAVANAGH (40) is dressed casually and has large SCAR across his right check. Kavanagh pulls a pint of stout and places it in front of John. JOHN Ah, well you may be a homicidal maniac, Sean, but ya pull the best pint in the new world. KAVANAGH I’m sure you’d know, John. CILLIAN DOYLE (32) a handsome businessman neatly dressed enters and sits at the bar. CILLIAN Jamison. A bottle. Make it two. Kavanagh places a bottle next to Cillian with a glass. KAVANAGH I think we’ll just start you with the one and go from there. Cillian pours a shot and downs it. Then another and another. John smiles, checks his pocket watch and nods to Cillian. FADE TO BLACK. INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB - LATER Cillian is still sitting at the bar. There is a bottle in front of him, nearly empty. He is fiddling with his iphone. John is still sitting at the other end of the bar. Kavanagh drops another pint off in front of John. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. JOHN And another for my new friend down there. KAVANAGH You think you’ve got trouble? Downing his own weight in Jamison, poor soul. JOHN Could he help I wonder? KAVANAGH Well he is a Doyle. JOHN Really? KAVANAGH Yep, Cillian Doyle. JOHN Finally a "Dark Foreigner" comes into the pub. KAVANAGH We’re in Canada, Conan, they’re all foreigners. John digs into his inside pocket and takes out a NOTEBOOK and PEN. He opens it. There are lists of names. He finds the name O DUBHGHAILL next to it is written Doyle. He picks up the two pints and goes to sit next to Cillian. CILLIAN Can I help you. Cillian downs another shot. JOHN I’m delighted to say I think you can. Have a pint. I think you’ve had enough whiskey. Cillian takes along slurp from the pint and the burps loudly. CILLIAN Now piss off. JOHN It’s a woman? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. CILLIAN No it’s an asshole! JOHN I’m sure I can help you, if you help me, Cillian CILLIAN Would it be the very definition of cliche to ask how you know my name? JOHN No, not at all. I know all about you. I’m a leprechaun, I know all. CILLIAN Really, so you were able to find out my name by magic? JOHN No, Sean just told me...but I am really a leprechaun! Cillian grabs hold of John’s sleeve. CILLIAN There I caught you, can I have my pot of gold now? JOHN Sorry but the pot of gold stuff is just bollocks. Cillian lifts his pint. CILLIAN A pity I really could use a new pot, and the gold that would be in it wouldn’t go unused either. Cillian drinks. JOHN It is a shame, but I can help you. CILLIAN So what do leprechauns do? JOHN Mostly we drink. Be we do help people sometimes. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4. CILLIAN Excuse me...Darby O’Gill. Cillian stands and nearly falls. He stumbles to the washroom. INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB - WASHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Cillian is standing by the urinal. John bangs the door open and bounds in. CILLIAN Jesus Christ! You scared the life outta me. JOHN Darby O’Gill was the human, not the leprechaun. They weren’t real leprechauns anyway. I can show you. Cillian goes from the urinal to the sink and washes his hands. CILLIAN You know what, show me. I really want to see this. John holds up the glass Cillian was using. CILLIAN (CONT’D) I thought I’d had enough. John grabs Cillian by the hair and places the end of the glass against Cillian’s eye. Cillian stumbles backwards. Cillian’s P.O.V: John as a CELTIC WARRIOR about 30, dressed in medieval armour with long red hair braided and tied at the back. He holds a shield and broad sword. JOHN The glass shows me as I should be. Cillian takes the glass from his eye. CILLIAN It’s strong stuff! JOHN Nah, just an eye opener. Like a bottle of Jamison straight up. Cillian and John sit on the floor and Cillian props himself up on the wall. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. CILLIAN I can say without doubt this is the creepiest and the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me. JOHN I need you’re help, and then I’ll give you anything you want. Short of the gold in a pot of course. CILLIAN How about that sword so I can chop somebody’s head off. JOHN Hmm, no. CILLIAN So you are...? JOHN Well I’m actually Conan Mac Morna, a member of the ancient band of Celtic Warriors known as the Fianna. CILLIAN Right! Fionn Mac Cool and all that. JOHN Him. We were a band of warriors ya know! Not just him! CILLIAN Yeah, he was the leader though. JOHN Fionn was the leader, politically. These things are all politics. CILLIAN So the Fianna were all leprechauns? JOHN We are the warriors of Olde Eire. CILLIAN Not cobblers in green then? JOHN Oh, that was all dreamed up by Disney and the makers of Lucky Charms. We tried to sue. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6. CILLIAN Of course. So you need me because...? JOHN This is a prison and we want out. You’re the only man who can help us. CILLIAN I can’t believe I’m even asking this, but why me? JOHN Because your name is Doyle. CILLIAN I’m not even going to ask! Cillian rubs his eyes. JOHN Let me show you. INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER Cillian steps out of the washroom the glass against his eye. John walks behind him. Cillian sees a young couple as a VAMPIRE and an ANGEL. JOHN All because she fell in love with a vampire...and because she likes to go out with him on his nightly killing sprees. CILLIAN Bastard cops! Cillian sees a woman as a WITCH and a man as an ELF. He sees a middle-aged couple who don’t change. JOHN Well it is a pub. He sees Kavanagh as an old man with a long white beard in a blue robe. JOHN (CONT’D) A wizard. He’s in here ’cause he killed Kennedy. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7. CILLIAN Kennedy? JOHN Well it was a "magic bullet." Cillian smiles. JOHN I need to get out of here. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun. Cillian takes the glass away from his eye. CILLIAN You’re vampire friend, wont want to get out for the same reason, I’m guessing? JOHN No, I suppose not. I just want to go home. See those green hills again. CILLIAN They are a very special shade of green, aren’t they. JOHN Yes they are! CILLIAN And you’ll help me with my problem? JOHN Which is? CILLIAN Check out the last text message. Cillian hands John his iPhone. John finds the message. There is a picture of a beautiful woman in bed with a very smug guy. John laughs. CILLIAN (CONT’D) Hilarious. She’s my girlfriend and he’s my boss. She sent it to me by accident. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8. JOHN Right, you’re name not being Loretta. CILLIAN Her best friend. John hands Cillian back his iPhone. JOHN So what can I do? Cillian whispers in John’s ear. John smiles. JOHN (CONT’D) Done. INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB WASHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Cillian is splashing water on his face. John pulls a LONG BLACK SCULPTED WALKING STICK from under his coat and hands it to Cillian. JOHN My shillelagh. CILLIAN You couldn’t use this to escape yourself? JOHN No. It was just a walking stick, until now. Cillian grabs hold of the top of the stick. John uses the long nail on his index finger to cut Cillian’s hand. CILLIAN Ahh! You could have warned me. JOHN I know. The blood trickles from Cillian’s hand onto the stick and there is a bright green glow. The name O DUBHGHAILL appears on the stick. JOHN (CONT’D) Now it is your shillelagh. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9. CILLIAN What? JOHN It’s a shillelagh again, go on, free us. Cillian checks himself in the mirror and John hands him the glass. Cillian places it over his eye and sees himself in a long robe and hat through the glass. He falls down with gasp. JOHN (CONT’D) Now you are now a person of the magical persuasion. CILLIAN A leprachuan? JOHN Oh, good Lord no! More like a magic ant or a gnome, yeah I’d say a gnome. CILLIAN I thought that pint tasted funny. JOHN Welcome to the clan! CILLIAN And I’m the first Doyle that came in here in all this time? John helps Cillian up. JOHN The first one who was that hammered! CILLIAN Why a Doyle? JOHN Why not? INT. SEAN KAVANAGH’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER Cillian comes out of the washroom and pushes the stick through the door making a small hole. The hole gets bigger and there is nothing only empty bright void outside. All the convicts escape though the hole. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10. CILLIAN Before you go, my reward! John passes Cillian a newspaper. JOHN Here’s tomorrow’s paper. Page 5. Cillian’s boss and girlfriend are being arrested. The headline reads: CRACKING A MAJOR DRUGS RING. CILLIAN Tragic. JOHN Remember no magic in front of the normals! CILLIAN So what now? JOHN hmm...I don’t know? A pint? CILLIAN Why not! Cillian and John turn back to the bar and sit. FADE OUT.
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