VIEWS: 9 PAGES: 4 POSTED ON: 5/21/2011
Beware of Emotional Vampires! Are you in love with a vampire? I’m not referring to the person who sleeps in a coffin. I’m talking about the kind of people who exhaust and drain you emotionally. These people leave you feeling empty, or out of balance after you interact with them. If you notice that before the encounter with this person, you feel positive, happy and energized, and afterwards you feel as if someone has just robbed you of your energy, you may be dealing with a person who is an "emotional vampire." They pull away your good energy in a variety of ways, usually without even realizing they are doing it. Recently, Helaine Harris was a guest on our radio program LOVE LIFE. She has written a book called "Are you in Love with a Vampire Healing the Relationship Drain Game." She speaks of four different types of energy vampires and their vampiring characteristics. Do you know anyone who fits these descriptions? 1) The Sexual Energy Vampire this person pulls energy through the sexual act leaving you feeling drained, or used. Your heart is left empty and you feel more lonely than before. 2) The Emotional Energy Vampire these people get you to feel responsible for them. You have to make them feel better, or fix them, comfort them or make them feel safe. They often use guilt to keep you engaged with their needs. 3) The Mental Energy Vampire often occurs at work. They have a way of making you feel inferior or stupid. They set you up to believe they need your help, input or ideas, then when you step up to the plate, they undermine your efforts. They question or judge everything that you do. 4) The Spiritual Energy Vampire they attempt to undermine your personal connection to God. They undermine you using threats or punishment. They constantly make you feel unsafe or on unsteady ground. Symptoms of Being in a Relationship with an Emotional Vampire: Emotional Vampires love power over others. This gives them the sense of vitality that they crave. They constantly attempt to control their partner’s behavior. They may even become very "helpful" to achieve this. Some even become "caretakers" in order to insure that they will be needed, and so that they can get the "energy fix" that they themselves need. For the "vampired" love becomes synonymous with being pulled on. It feels like love to the "victim," but is it really love or fear of being alone. Breaking the connection with the emotional vampire feels like death or annihilation. The terror of being lonely is at the heart of this dynamic for both the vampire and their partner. These underlying fears often create "push/pull" dynamics in the relationship where love very quickly becomes hate. The games go back and forth as each alternately struggles to break free and then to make the connection stronger than ever. These "back and forth" conflicts can make you feel as if you were crazy. It’s the relationship dynamic that is crazy. You must begin the process of healing from these unhealthy patterns. All relationships, even ones involving "emotional vampires" can be healed. The first step is to recognize that you are dealing with a pattern that is not good for you. Once you see this, you are half way home. Next you must decide to break these patterns by not playing your side of the codependent game. You need to change first! This is how you begin to regain your power. Once you take charge of the relationship, the "drain game" begins to change. You deserve to have a healthy relationship that invigorates you. One that sustains a positive sense of self. One that feels nourishing and uplifting. You may not necessarily need to change partners, just change the way you play the game!! Good luck and good loving. Let me know how you’re doing! Why Women Fall for Bad Boys "He’s a scoundrel! He’s unpredictable, dishonest, sometimes even downright mean," Katie complained about her boyfriend, then a moment later admitted "and completely irresistible!" Why does this happen? Why do intelligent, attractive, capable women fall for the "Bad Boys?" Liza a tall, beautiful woman with a great job and a sparkling personality, came to my office in tears "Why do I keep choosing the wrong man?" She has once again fallen in love with a married man. Leilani is in love with a man who can’t support himself, and she can’t bring herself to leave him. She is caught in a "rescuefantasy," that originated in her relationship with her depressed alcoholic father who she couldn’t save. Now, she is drawn to dangerous men who have an extremely seductive fragile side. She is hooked on a man who causes her pain. She wants to save him from his pain, and be rewarded by his undying love. Tina is having a highly passionate affair with her boss. She takes all kinds of risks and puts up with a roller coaster ride of emotional extremes from this illicit affair with a glamorous and powerful man. She says she wants a "real relationship" but by being with a charming womanizer who will never commit, she doesn’t ever realize that it is she who has the fear of intimacy. It is easier to be always wishing and then to blame him for what has always been missing in her life. Women are fascinated by the "bad boys." They seem to have an erotic edge of danger that’s hard to resist. From the Kennedy men to President Clinton, a host of Hollywood celebrities hold our attention like nobody else. But, obsession with bad boys is curable – for those who are ready, willing and able to do the work of letting go ofchildhood patterns of dysfunctional love. "Bad Boys break hearts and humiliate women – all out of an unconscious desire to prove they’re men, to get attention, or to get back at mommy," says Dr. Carole Lieberman, a recent guest on our radioprogram LOVE LIFE, and author of "Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How toLive With Them, and When to Leave Them." She has identified twelve types of bad boys and her book explains each one. For example, there is the "Wanton Wolf" (exemplified by Jack Nicholson), a compulsive flirt and womanizer. These men are constantly trying to prove that they are real men by the number of conquests they can make. Then there is the "Grandiose Dreamer" who may achieve great things in the world, but deep down is terrified of a woman getting too close to him. "Misunderstood and Married" is the type that subconsciously believes he was cheated by his mom and believes he deserves a second (or third!) woman as compensation. Then there is the "Wounded Poet," like Elvis Presley, usually an artistic type, who presents a hard exterior, but wants to test a woman with a wall of toughness to see if he can get her to see his true "inner brooding soul." Other types include the "Man of Mystery" who has many secrets, the "Prince of Darkness" (Like O.J. Simpson) who is truly dangerous and several more. If you are involved in a relationship with a Bad Boy, you have to ask yourself if what you are getting is worth the price you are paying. You may be paying literally, by loaning money, or paying with lost self esteem, or by having your heart broken in a thousand ways every day. Ask yourself, even if you feel you love him, are you being used? Trust your intuition and take a look at these following signs. TEN SURE SIGNS YOU’RE BEING USED 1) He never introduces you to his family. 2) He rarely includes you in activities with his friends. 3) He only calls or comes by when he wants sex, and leaves right afterwards. 4) When you see him, it’s always during the week, or when it’s convenient for him, never on Saturday night. 5) When he does get together with you, its obvious he hasn’t given much thought to his appearance. 6) He won’t take your calls at work. 7) He doesn’t acknowledge holidays or occasions like your birthday with a gift. 8) When you want to discuss his behavior, he says, "It’s all in your head." 9) When you’re sick, he doesn’t offer to bring you soup, cough syrup, or give you a shoulder to lean on. 10) You never spend the night at his place. If you are stuck in an unhappy relationship with a Bad Boy, you may need help to get out. You deserve so much better than this! Sometimes you have to let go of imitation love in order to get real love. But there’s nothing like the real thing! SEVEN TIPS FOR FIGHTING FAIR ONE: STICK TO THE ISSUE. DON'T DRAG IN EVERY ISSUE YOU CAN THINK OF. TWO: DISCIPLINE YOURSELF TO STAY WITH PRESENT ISSUES. IT'S BEST TO HANDLE ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME BEFORE YOU DRAG IN A LIST OF PAST RESENTMENTS. THREE: SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, WHEN YOU FEEL IT, RATHER THAN STORING UP A LONG LIST OF GRIEVANCES. FOUR: WHENEVER YOU GENERALIZE BY USING WORDS LIKE, "You always...You never ...Why do you...Why can't you... You should do it this way...You shouldn't..." THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS -- THEY ARE THE PERFECT SET-UP FOR A LONG, DRAWN-OUT FIGHT. FIVE: NO THREATENING ALLOWED! EITHER VERBAL OR PHYSICAL. IF YOU ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE THERE IS VIOLENCE -- GET OUT AND GET HELP! SIX: INSTEAD OF BLAMING, NAME-CALLING, OR CRITICIZING YOU PARTNER'S CHARACTER TRAITS, STATE YOUR NEEDS AS SPEIFIC REQUESTS FOR DIFFERENT BEHAVIOR. SEVEN: SET YOURSELF A GOAL TO WORK TOWARD RESOLUTION. CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE TO NOT ESCALATE THE FIGHT. LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS WHERE THERE ARE NO LOSERS. WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, BOTH PEOPLE CAN WIN.
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