The Wardrobe

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          The Media: Democracy’s Valiant Vulgarians

             Stephen Colbert’s Guide to Dressing and
             Expressing Like a TV Journalist                                                                        The
             Though fancy journalism schools will tell you otherwise, all you need to be successful in            Wardrobe
             the world of television news is a rudimentary understanding of fashion and six different
             facial expressions. Oh, and a crippling need to be liked.

                                                 The Hair - Anchorman hair                  The Vest - Pockets! Pockets! Pockets! The amount
          The Knot -                             is something that can’t be                 of experience you have in the field is measured by
          Double Windsor…                        taught. You either have it or              the number of pockets on your vest. Each success-
          in a pinch a 1.5                       you don’t. It’s what gives the             ful assignment brings with it the awarding of a new
          Windsor will do, but                   best newsmen their strength                pocket. By the time he retired, Edward R. Murrow’s
          never, ever less.                      – Jennings, Brokaw, Rather –               vest had 2,843 pockets.
                                                 the lions of the field have
                                                 manes to match.
                                                                                                   The Bandanna -
                                                                                                   Necksweat — the
                                                                                                   gravitas killer.
                                                 The Suit - One word:
                                                 Very expensive. That
                                                 four-button crap is for          Rolled-up
                                                 CNN. I like Italian and          Sleeves -
                                                 the finer English cou-           Nothing says
                                                 turiers if I have to buy         you’re hard at
                                                 off the rack, which I            work on the
                                                 don’t. I remember wear-          story like
           The Truss - A good                    ing a beautiful Hickey           rolled-up
           truss allows an anchor                Freeman blue pinstripe           sleeves. And
           who’s long since gone                 three-button for the             the best part?
           flabby and soft…wait…                 initial bombing of               It takes very
           can you tell I’m wear-                Baghdad. It felt right.          little work to
                                                                                                                               The Pen &
           ing a truss?                                                           roll them up.
                                                                                                                               Notepad - Not
                                                                                                                               that you’re taking
                                                        The Pants -                                                            any notes—that’s
                                                        Not technically                                                        what your produc-
                                                        necessary if                                                           er and camera-
                                                        you’re sitting                                                         man are for. But
                                                        behind a desk,                                                         as my acting
                                                        but it helps me                                                        teacher once
          The Shoes - A                                 stay focused on                                                        taught me, it’s
          minor detail? Wrong!                          the task at hand.                                                      nice to have a “bit
          Expensive shoes for                                                                                                  of business” to do
          a job where your                                                                                                     with your hands.
          feet are never seen
          are what separate a                                            The Crouch - Do                   The Foreign
          weekend fill-in from                                           your squats. This is
          network primetime.                                             the ready position for            Correspondent
          Mine have custom                                               reporting the latest
          orthotics to accom-       The Anchorman                        developments from               The Outfit - Make sure you wear at
          modate my feet,                                                the field - even                least two pieces of khaki. Not only does
          which are both flat                                            though you are sta-             it blend well with the uniforms of those
          and arched at the                                              tioned comfortably              with whom you’re embedded, it also
          same time. Also, I                                             inside the Press                “pops” nicely when seen through a
          have hammer toe.                                               Center.                         night-vision scope.

                                                 142 |Chapter 7