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Self Esteem


									    Self Esteem

 Because You’re Worth It
A Makeover in 90 minutes
     Charlotte West

•   Overview:
•   Building Blocks of Self – Esteem
•   Influences of Thinking on Self – Esteem
•   Healthy Self Esteem for our Children.
Healthy Self Esteem Develops From
•   Self-knowledge
•   Self-acceptance
•   Self-reliance
•   Self-awareness
•   Self-Expression
• Recognition of personal qualities
• Recognition of individual skills
• Developing a sense of security in being who
  you are
• With our unique characteristics and values
- What are you like?
- What are you not like?
- I am mostly ........
- I am seldom .............
- I am happiest when ......
- I look forward to .......
- I am most relaxed when.....
- My favourite music is .....
- I get angry when.....
- I worry when...
               Self Acceptance
•   Owning your strengths and weaknesses
•   Knowing its ok to make mistakes
•   Knowing you’re doing the best you can
•   Accepting your physical body and attributes
- What are you most proud of about
- What do you like least about yourself?
- What valuable things have you learnt
from past mistakes?
- If you don’t like who you are, who would
you like to be?
- Draw up a list of qualities you see as
strengths versus difficulties
• Knowing how to take care of yourself
• Understanding we can act to make tough
  times easier
• Building independence and self motivation
• Self monitoring – checking on our progress
- What experiences have given you a sense of
accomplishment and competence?
- What did you learn about yourself in the process?
- What do you think are essential needs for your
- How many of those needs do you meet for
- Do you ensure you children’s needs for well-being
are met, but ignore your own?
- Are there things you do could do easily at the
moment which would make a positive difference for
- How did your parents encourage your
independence? What was helpful?
             Self Awareness
• Focus on here and now
• Setting realistic but challenging goals
• Accepting emotional, mental, physical change
  as part of life
• You have some control in how you change and
- What do you see has been the greatest
influence on you achieving your goals?
- Are you the same today as you were 5
years ago? Do you expect to be the same
in 5 years time?
- If you believe you will change in 5 years
time, how will that be?
- If you were an animal, what sort of
creature would you be and why?
             Self Expression
• Communication – both verbal and non-verbal
• Reliance on reading between the lines and
  other cues
• Influences how we change and develop
How do you communicate to others how
you see yourself?
How do you show approval, disapproval,
closeness, distance?
What are some ways we pick up from other
people their valuing or not valuing us?
On balance – how much of that information
is directly verbal feedback? Body
language? Gesture?
     Thoughts About Ourselves
• Assumptions we make about how others see
• Based in part on past experience
• Can be helpful or unhelpful and may be
  automatic (occur at nanosecond speed)
         Unhelpful Thoughts
• Thoughts which undermine our self-esteem
  and confidence
• Shoulds / Oughts
• Musts
• All or nothing
• Over generalisation
• Jumping to conclusions
• Mental filters
         More unhelpful thoughts
•   Catastrophising
•   Labelling
•   Self – blaming
•   Disqualifying the positive
  Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts
• Identify thought and type of thinking style
• Ask: What I am telling myself
• Check the facts
            Checking the facts
Are there any other ways of thinking about this
Is there any other information I should take into
What would someone I admire think in this
  same situation?
What would I tell a friend who was in this same
  situation and had the same unhelpful thought?
How likely is it that my thought is true?
    Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts
•   Restate the thought realistically
•   Ask: If this thought is really true:
•   What would happen?
•   What would that mean for me?
•   Could I cope? – or would this be absolutely
A – Event                   B – Thoughts / Beliefs      C – Feelings and Physical
You walk into a room, see   1 – You think: They’re      Sad, worried. Feel sick in
your workmates talking in   laughing at me.             the stomach. Avoid
a group.                                                contact with the group.
Someone looks at you,                                   I’m a loser.
turns back to the group
and they all laugh.         2 – Maybe someone has       OK. No physical reaction.
                            told a joke.                Go up to the group and
                                                        join in.

                            3 – They’re making fun of   Angry. Heart races, snap
                            me.                         at work mates for the rest
                                                        of the day. Everyone hates
                             Example 2
A – Event                   B – Thoughts / Beliefs       C – Feelings and Physical

You arrange a time to meet 1. S/he’s been held up        OK – no reaction wait with
a friend, who is late.        because the traffic is     understanding I can stay
                              heavy.                     calm.

                            2. S/he’s forgotten.         ? sad, let down / hurt,
                                                         tightness in chest. I’m not
                                                         important to him/her.

                            3. S/he does this so often   ? angry, hot headed, heart
                            s/he doesn’t really care     racing, decide to leave.
                            about me.
                              Example 3
A – Event                    B – Thoughts / Beliefs        C – Feelings and Physical

You have an appraisal at     1. Great – I’m doing ok –     Ok – no reaction – I can stay
work and are told of your       I’ve got some good         calm.
areas of strength and some      things and some goals to
areas where you could do        work for.
better                       2. I didn’t know I was so     Sad. Upset. Sick in the
                                bad at that. I’m really    stomach. Withdraw from
                                stupid.                    others at work.

                             3. If I don’t get these right I Worried. Tightness in the
                                could lose my job.           shoulders and chest. Can’t
                                                             concentrate and work less
                             4. This always happens to
                                me – I’ll never get a        Sad. Heavy hearted.
                                raise.                       Reduced commitment at
           Realistic Restatements
•   I don’t need to prove myself in this situation
•   I know it’ll be hard, but I know I can handle it
•   I don’t need to feel threatened here
•   I can relax and stay calm
•   Nothing says I have to be competent and
    strong all the time. It’s ok to feel unsure or
  Fostering Healthy Self-Esteem in
            our Children
• Parents as models to their children whether
  they want it or not
• Parents model behaviour, attitudes and
  thinking styles
• As children get older, teachers and other
  adults become (good or unhelpful) role
  models too
• Children develop high self-esteem when they
  have a sense of security, identity and
•   Clear boundaries with rules and consequences
•   Consistency, consistency, consistency
•   Routines
•   Separate the child from the behaviour
•   Avoid labelling, talking about them negatively
    in front of them.
    Identity: Self Knowledge, Self
     Acceptance, Self Expression
• Developing a sense of who they are
• Knowing how they are alike and how they are
  different from others
• And that difference is ok
            Identity (continued)
•   Listen to them
•   Accept their feelings
•   Play with or spend time with them
•   Positive self talk
•   Reframe negatives
•   Accept differences in selves and others
Self Reliance: Self Awareness, Self
•   Learning how to be a group member
•   Helping at home and with decisions
•   Helping others
•   Play dates
•   Emotional Tool Box
            Emotional Tool Box
•   Burning up energy (when anxious or angry)
•   Jumping on trampoline
•   Punching a pillow
•   Creative distraction – recycling
•   Swimming
    Emotional Tool Box (continued)
•   - for mild worries
•   Speaking to or being with family member
•   Patting a pet
•   Talking to helper or mentor
                 Self Reliance
•   Setting realistic goals
•   Help if needed
•   Encourage experimentation
•   Reward systems to initially help motivation
      Self Reliance (continued)
• Structure tasks to ensure success
• Plan of action
• Encourage and give feedback
• Effort rather than achievement
• Compare performance to their previous
  performance, not to others
• Focus on behaviour, not the child
      References and Resources
• Den Kaat, S & Davey, K (2010); Self to Self
  Esteem: Adolescent Issues with Aspergers
  Syndrome – download from Minds and Hearts
• Pearce, Jenni (2009); Helping to Build Your
  Child’s Self Esteem.
• Le Messurier, Mark (2007); Parenting Tough
• Baker, Jed (2008); No More Meltdowns
 References and Resources (cont)
• Irving, Tricia (2001); When Tough Stuff
  Happens: and activity book for Tough Times
  for 7-12 year olds
• Cobham, Vanessa (2010); When Worries
  Attack: Insights into Child and Adolescent
  Anxiety (workshop notes)
• Cobham, Vanessa (2001); Do as I Do
  Programme (2nd edition)

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