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The Law and Order

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					IN FAMILIES
    Consider the following scenarios.
     In which ones do you think there is a
     strong likelihood of violence occurring?
     Why?
     How might the threat of violence be
     minimised?
Aminah has 4 young children and a husband who
 works offshore. For the last eighteen months she
 has been looking after her bedridden widowed
 mother. The mother had a stroke which has left
 her paralysed down one side and unable to speak.
 The mother, who has always been used to being
 in control is very frustrated by her disability and
 frequently calls for Aminah’s attention.

The rest of Aminah’s brothers and sisters are
working so the family decided Aminah should be
the one who cares for their mother. After all
Aminah has always been the one left to sort out
the family problems. The siblings are too busy
and live too far away to call regularly.
Sai Ing has been married for two years. Before they were
 married her husband was always very jealous if another man
 looked at her. He is still the same and does not let Sai Ing meet
 her female friends in case other men think she is single. She
 has lost touch with most of her friends now. As he wants the
 best for her he told Sai Ing to give him her gaji so he could
 manage their money in the best way. This she does and he then
 gives her money for housekeeping that she has to account for.
 He says this way is best as she is not bright enough to
 understand about investments.
When she wants clothes he chooses them for her as he is very
 particular about what she wears. At times she feels he likes to
 show her off in front of his friends but then he also makes fun
 of her stupidity in front of them. Sia Ing is embarrassed by this
 but prefers not to say anything as she knows her husband does
 not like to be contradicted.
Leela works long hours in a children’s home. She is employed as a
 cleaner but due to the shortage of staff her work also includes
 feeding the cerbral palsey children . They take ages to digest their
 liquid food. It is also her job to clean them and the bed if they
 have passed urine between the trips to the toilet. The children are
 not too paralysed to go to the toilet themselves, and the ones on
 Leela’s ward cannot speak so she never knows when they want to
 go. Some of them do make a crying sound a lot of the time and
 some bang themselves against the cots. The officer in charge has
 told Leela to tie them to the cot to stop them hurting themselves.
 Leela is often left on the ward alone with the children. She finds
 the work tiring, but she needs the overtime so that her small wage
 can stretch that bit further for her own family. When the children
 are quiet she can catch up on some sleep but they rarely give her
 any piece.
         POWER




         ABUSE


STRESS           ISOLATION
                          Balance Power




                                                Reduce
                                                Isolation
                        Violence in all forms   .- Give
Provide                                         Support
help to reduce stress & learn non-               -Provide
violent means to address conflict               Protection
               STOP THE VIOLENCE
 Through:-
  Abuser accepting responsibility - reconciliation
   possible but not guaranteed
  Survivor seeking other options

  Either path time-consuming & emotionally
   challenging



WHAT DO YOU THINK CAUSES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
        Only men who are:-         Women who are beaten:-
       mentally ill                have provoked it by nagging

       drunk/ gamble/ on
                                     and intolerance -its her fault
        drugs                       enjoy it

       poor , uneducated or        can always leave

        fail in life                need to stay in a violent

       violent in all their         relationship for the children’s
        relationships                sake
      …beat their wives

               UNHELPFUL BELIEFS
1. Husbands have right to do what they want to their wives
2. No one should interfere in the domestic affairs of husband and wife
   A COMMON PATTERN
                   STAND-OFF PHASE
                  Control, Fear, Submission ->
    BUILD-UP           “Provocation”
      PHASE                                          VIOLENT
Disagreement without                                EXPLOSION
     resolution                                  self-righteous rage
                         -------<----------
 HONEYMOON                                            REMORSE
    PHASE                                             Justification
 mutual dependency                                    Minimisation
                       PURSUIT PHASE                     Guilt
                Pursuit and Promises: Helplessness:
                             Threats
o   Violence usually been endured for years.
o   Protection provided for those willing to move but ..
o   Implementation slow especially legal protection.
o   Those that stay more endurance than reconciliation?
o   Support for survivors’ journey increasing but face
o     difficulties
o   Early intervention can occur but still elusive.
o   Team work between services growing but still in
o     infancy and not sufficiently linked into any family &
    community helping networks.
o   Attitudes will determine services - positive/negative
“ I was really hopeful that someone in authority could ask him
    to stop”
 “ Things had already changed by then” - a woman
    commenting on when police arrived to arrest her husband
    some 5months after making a report.
“(When) you have hope in the relationship that is the time
    when you would like your husband to be punished because
    you still have the hope for him to repent. But when he has
    failed your dream each time, your heart will sink…until in
    the end you just want everything to be over.”
“I just would like to divorce him. Whether to punish him is not
    of interest to me. I just want to get away from him.”
“ I will never dare to leave him without any protection as he is
    very violent. His threat is stronger than my willpower to
    run away from him”                       source: Pek undergraduate
   study 1999
 WOMEN HOPE FOR CHANGE
 MANY APPEASE IN THE HOPE IT WILL STOP
  VIOLENCE OCCURING BUT…
 CAN LEAD TO REWARDING THE VIOLENCE
 WOMEN LOOSE SELF-ESTEEM, ENERGY & OFTEN
  SUPPORT NETWORKS - CAN BLAME SELVES-> A
  VIEW REINFORCED BY ABUSER & WIDER
  SOCIETY
 WHEN REALISE PATTERN UNLIKELY TO CHANGE
  OFTEN FEEL NO OPTION BUT TO STAY:
  - SOCIO-ECONOMIC DEPENDENT - CHILDREN
  - ISOLATED - LOW CONFIDENCE - FEARFUL
 - STIGMA - LACK EVIDENCE OF PATTERN
    INTERVENE EARLY TO STOP VIOLENCE
    - AVOID THE TRAP OF BLAMING THE VICTIM
    - AIM TO CHANGE PERPETRATOR’S BEHAVIOUR

   IF NOT THEN JOURNEY LONG AND WITH MANY STAYING-
    LEAVING-RETURNING LOOPS.

   ASSESS WHERE SHE IS IN HER JOURNEY AND POTENTIAL
    FOR CHANGE IN ABUSER. DOES HE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
    FOR HIS ACTIONS? SHOW EMPATHY? WANT HELP TO
    CONTROL HIS TEMPER?

   HELP HER MAINTAIN SUPPORT NETWORKS: INCREASE
    ECONOMIC INDEPENDENCE: REGAIN SELF-CONFIDENCE


   EXPLORE OPTIONS: GIVE ALTERNATIVES AND CHOICES: BE
    THERE FOR HER WHATEVER SHE DECIDES.
   ASK WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO RATHER THAN GIVE A VIEW
    OF WHAT YOU THINK SHE OUGHT TO DO (SIOBHAN LLOYD
    1995). AIM TO HELP HER FEEL COMFORTABLE NOT YOU.
   ASSESS HOW MARITAL VIOLENCE IS VIEWED IN HER
    FAMILY CULTURE AND THE CULTURE OF OTHER
    COMMUNITIES AFFECTING HER AND HER PARTNER
   EXPLORE WITH HER HER EXISTING & POTENTIAL SUPPORT
    NETWORKS
   INFORM HER OF HER LEGAL RIGHTS AND THE RANGE OF
    SERVICE AVAILABLE
   EXPLORE WITH ABUSER SOURCES OF STRESS: HIS
    EXPECTATIONS: WHAT HE CAN DO TO REDUCE/MANAGE
    HIS STRESS.
   REMEMBER HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND
    VIOLENCE IN NOT ACCEPTABLE.
OURSELVES   NEED TO BE
            - A GOOD LISTENER
            - OPEN-MINDED
            - WILLING TO LEARN
            - AGAINST VIOLENCE
            - CONCERNED FOR & WILLING
               TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND
              ALL PARTIES
            - CULTURALLY AWARE
            - SELF AWARE -ATTITUDES
            RECONCILLIATION




                      OR SEPARATE WAYS




AS COUNSELLORS WE KNOW THE CHOICE IS THEIRS - WE
ARE THERE TO HELP THEM REALISE WHICH EVER THEY
 BELIEVE WILL HELP THEM OVERCOME THE CONFLICT

				
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posted:5/2/2011
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