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Buffalo Billy

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                          Buffalo Billy
                      A Larry the Cable Guy Movie for Kids

                              Written by Rebecca Arney




                  Thar’s treasure in them thar Nebraska hills !




    Starring Larry the Cable Guy as himself (present) and Uncle Billy (1972).




                                                Rebecca Arney
                                                Twitter: @BeccaZ
!                                                                   1



    OVER BLACK:    An AUCTIONEER CHANTS.   Cows MOO.   Sheep BAH.

    FADE IN:

    INT. LIVESTOCK BARN - PAWNEE CITY, NEBRASKA - PRESENT DAY - DAY

    A huge BLACK ANGUS COW circles the ring at the Pawnee County
    Fair livestock auction. LARRY THE CABLE GUY (late-40s USDA
    Prime redneck farmer) stands front-and-center in a PURE-COUNTRY
    CROWD admiring the magnificent creature.

    The cow sells and LITTLE 4-H GIRL (age 11) bursts into tears as
    she leads her probably-hamburger cow out of the ring.

    A proud FFA BOY (age 16) enters with his very fine hog. This is
    STUD MUFFIN, a fully intact male specimen, who struts like he
    owns the place. Larry adjusts his CAMO HAT as he eyes the pig
    with keen anticipation.

                         AUCTIONEER
               Now Pawnee County, are you ready for
               the Grand Champion Hog of 2011? Well
               here he is and he’s one mighty fine
               pig! Yes, this is Stud Muffin! And
               will ya’ look at that feller strut!
               He’s quite a ham, ain’t he? Now who’ll
               start the biddin’ on this champion
               Hampshire hog? Gimme one, gimme one,
               gimme one thousand, gimme one, gimme
               one--

    Larry WAVES in.    A FARMER next to him leans over ...

                         FARMER
               Whatcha’ gonna do with that pig, Larry?

                         LARRY
               Gonna start me a big-time pig farm,
               Charlie.

    Larry continues to bid.

                         FARMER
               Larry, you know I’m down wind ‘a you.
!                                                                 2


                      LARRY
            What’s the matter, Charlie?    Ya’ don’t
            like the smell a’ money?

                      FARMER
            I don’t like the smell a’ pig poop.

                      LARRY
            Why, Charlie, that’s biogas! The
            future. No more ‘a that foreign oil
            and sheiks buildin’ castles in the
            sand. Gonna run our tractors on pure
            pig pooh now.

                      FARMER
            Not my tractor.

    Larry finally triumphs at $3000 to APPLAUSE from the crowd.   FFA
    Boy makes his way over and shakes Larry’s hand.

                      FARMER
            Sue Anne’s gonna have a fit.

                      LARRY
            OH, I’m just kiddin’ ya’, Charlie. I
            ain’t startin’ no pig farm. They
            stink! That there pig is headin’ to
            North Platte. He’s my Uncle Billy’s
            new stud boar.

    We get a clear view of Stud Muffin’s amazing HUGE TESTICLES as
    he exits the ring.

                      LARRY (CONT.)
            Will ya’ look at the nuts on that
            feller.

    EXT. LIVESTOCK BARN, PAWNEE CITY - PRESENT - DAY

    Larry loads Stud Muffin into the bed of his RED TRUCK.   We see
    the PAWNEE CITY WATER TOWER in the background.

                      LARRY
            Come on Skeeter. Time’s a wastin’.     We
            gotta hit the road.

    They load in the truck and drive away. Skeeter eyes the pig
    through the back window and WHINES with doggie concern.
!                                                                 3


                       LARRY
             Skeeter, you ain’t nothin’ but a hound
             dog. Cryin’ all the time.

    INT./EXT. LARRY’S TRUCK, NEBRASKA ROADS - PRESENT DAY - DAY

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “Hound Dog” without lyrics

    On the road MONTAGE: corn fields, tractors, I-80, barns, cows,
    horses, center-pivot sprinklers, the winding Platte River. Yes,
    this is Nebraska... God’s country.

    LATER, SIOUX LOOKOUT appears, the tallest hill rimming the wide
    Platte Valley. Larry exits I-80 and turns at a SIGN:
    “Sioux Lookout 5 North Platte 2 Scouts Rest Ranch 5”

    EXT. FORT CODY - NORTH PLATTE - Present DAY - DAY

    Larry drives up and parks by a 40-foot STATUE OF BUFFALO BILL.

                       LARRY
             Skeeter, you guard Stud Muffin, ya’
             hear? Gotta get Aunt Winnie-Fred
             somethin’.

    Larry heads into the old-time LOG FORT with SIGN: “Welcome to
    North Platte, Home of Buffalo Bill”.

    INT. FORT CODY STORE - NORTH PLATTE - PRESENT DAY - CONT.

    Larry heads to the gift area. A TOUR GUIDE dressed straight out
    of “Little House on the Prairie” talks to JAPANESE TOURISTS.
    Shy Japanese girls eye Larry as he passes.

                       TOUR GUIDE
             Buffalo Bill made his home in North
             Platte at the Scouts Rest Ranch. He
             traveled the world with his famous Wild
             West Show starring Annie Oakley, real
             Indians, buffalo, and a rousing re-
             enactment of Custer’s Last Stand with
             Chief Sitting Bull.

    Larry picks out RUBBER DOG POOP and a FART NOISEMAKER. He gives
    the farter a TOOT. Japanese girls GIGGLE. Larry dons a Davy
    Crockett raccoon hat and conks himself in the head with a toy
    tomahawk. More GIGGLES.
!                                                               4


                      TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)
            In 1872, Buffalo Bill was awarded the
            Congressional Medal of Honor for his
            bravery as an Indian scout.

    Larry picks up a BLACK HILLS GOLD CHARM BRACELET and heads to
    the cash register, FAUX-FARTing all the way. Alarmed Japanese
    tourists scatter.

                       TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)
            Buffalo Bill died in 1917 while
            visiting his sister in Denver. He’s
            buried there atop Lookout Mountain.

    Shocked Japanese EXCLAMATIONS continue as Larry exits the Fort.

    INT./EXT. LARRY’S TRUCK - PRESENT DAY - DAY

    Brick streets HUM as Larry drives through NORTH PLATTE DOWNTOWN.
    We see the WATER TOWER. Skeeter sticks his nose in the FORT
    CODY SACK and comes out with the RUBBER DOG POOP.

                       LARRY
            Skeeter.   Why do dogs eat their own do-
            do?

    Larry heads out of town on Highway 30. We see a “Lincoln
    Highway” SIGN. A UNION PACIFIC FREIGHT TRAIN comes into view.
    It HONKS long and loud. Larry HONKS back.

                      LARRY
            We’re gettin’ close Skeeter!

    EXT. BILLY’S FARM - NORTH PLATTE - PRESENT DAY - DAY

    Larry drives up to a neat FARM HOUSE. A WALKING PIVOT SPRINKLER
    sits in the nearby CORN FIELD. Larry exits the truck as AUNT
    WINIFRED (late 60s) steps out the house. She’s a sweet no-
    nonsense lady and still quite the looker. Like most farm wives,
    she’s also incredibly industrious and hardworking.

                      WINIFRED
            Larry! I’ve been watchin’ for ya’!
            And look at you. You get more handsome
            every time I see ya’. And look at this
            handsome pig!
!                                                                  5


                      LARRY
            Yep, Grand Champion of Pawnee County.
            Come on porky, you’re home.

    Larry unloads Stud Muffin. Winifred grabs him by the tail and
    examines his impressive FAMILY JEWELS.

                      WINIFRED
            Oh yes. He’ll do just fine. Let’s get
            you in the pen to meet your new girl
            friends.

    Larry leads Stud Muffin to a nearby pen. SOWS SCREECH at the
    arrival of a new fertile male.

                      WINIFRED
            Yes girls. Put your lipstick on.
            There’s a new man in town.

    As they enter the pen Stud Muffin charges Larry, staking his
    claim on the females. Larry dodges the pig.

                      LARRY
            Hey there, pork chop!   Watch it!

    Stud Muffin persists, chasing Larry around the pen.

                      LARRY
            Whoa!

                      WINIFRED
            Think that boy’s smelled the alfalfa.

                      LARRY
            And he’s bein’ a real pig about it.

    Winifred plucks apples from a bin and tosses them to the ground.
    The sows scuffle and get them all, easily fighting off Stud
    Muffin.

                      WINIFRED
            That’s right girls, show him who’s
            boss.

                      LARRY
            Man up, pig. You’re makin’ us look
            bad.
!                                                                 6


    Stud Muffin GRUNTS. Winifred and Larry exit the pen. They head
    to the house, passing a monster tractor beside the barn. All we
    see are its HUGE TIRES. This is BULLDOGGIE III, a real Tractor
    Pulling beauty.

                      WINIFRED
            Come on in. Billy will be back soon.
            He’s pickin’ up a new turbocharger for
            Bulldoggie.

                      LARRY
                 (slaps tractor tire)
            Yeehaw baby! You’re gonna roar!

    INT. BILLY’S FARM - LIVING ROOM - PRESENT

    Larry and Winifred enter. The room is full of Winifred’s
    handiwork. A PICTURE of ELVIS PRESLEY is on the wall.

                      WINIFRED
            You make yourself comfortable while I
            get some goodies.

    Winifred exits. Larry takes the rubber dog poop from the sack
    and tosses it on the floor. He calls out...

                      LARRY
            Sure smells good in here, Aunt Winnie-
            Fred!

                      WINIFRED (O.S.)
            Got your favorite in the oven.

                      LARRY
            Is it Tater Tot casserole!?

                      WINIFRED (O.S.)
            It sure is!

    Larry extracts the Black Hills Gold bracelet.    We see an EAGLE
    amongst its charms.

    Larry sits down in a recliner. An ANTIQUE WOODEN BOX sits on
    the nearby side table. A BLUE FELT COWBOY HAT sits on the box.
    Larry takes the hat and puts it on. We see TWO GOLD B’s INSIDE
    A CIRCLE emblazoned atop the dark wooden box.
!                                                                      7


    Larry opens the box. Inside sits an old POLAROID on a silk
    lined tray. Larry examines the photo: YOUNG WINIFRED (mid-30s)
    holding a Gold ribbon with YOUNG BILLY (late-30s) and LITTLE
    LARRY (age 9) in BUFFALO BILL OUTFITS beside her. “Buffalo
    Billies - 1972” is written at the bottom.

                         LARRY
               Well howdy. The Buffalo Billies.

    Larry pops the footrest and eases back in the recliner.       He
    settles the hat down over his face and begins to DOZE.

    !     !      !    !     !    !     !    !    !      FADE OUT TO DREAM:

    EXT. BILLY’S CORN FIELD - 1972(DREAM) - DAY
    (ALL 1972 scenes are Young Billy, Little Larry, Young Winifred)

    ROAR of a tractor and LAUGHTER of young boys.

    FADE IN:

    Little LARRY (age 9) runs through tall rows of CORN. He emerges
    into bright sunlight followed by KIT KINCAID (age 9). Larry’s a
    big boy, the devil-may-care type. Kit’s smaller and more
    cautious. They’re having a ball.

    Up the trail UNCLE BILLY (late-30s) drives a TRACTOR hauling a
    cart full of IRRIGATION PIPE. Billy wears a Nebraska BUG-EATERS
    t-shirt.

    CARSON KINKAID (age 18) unloads pipe from the cart.

                         BILLY
               Hey Larry, go down yonder and pull that
               lever.

    Larry points up the trail questioningly.

                         BILLY
               Yep, that’s right.    Go get ‘er done.

    Larry runs up the trail and pulls the lever. Water spills into
    the trenches. Billy stops the tractor and climbs down to move
    pipe.

                          CARSON
               Hey Kit.   Bring up the cart.
!                                                               8


    Kit climbs aboard the tractor. He’s young to be doing this, but
    knows what he’s doing. He drives up, then jumps off to unload
    pipe. Larry climbs into the tractor seat.

                      CARSON
            Okay Larry, move him to the other side.

    Larry turns the wheel tentatively, then hits the gas hard. The
    tractor takes off straight towards the corn. Larry freezes.

                        CARSON
            Hey!    What the...

    Carson jumps on and steers.   They stop.

                      CARSON
            You ever drive a tractor before?

    Larry shakes his head no.

                      CARSON
            Should ‘a told me. Could a’ plowed down
            the corn.

    Billy returns having seen the ruckus.

                      BILLY
            Hey there little fella’. How ‘bout we
            teach ya’ to drive this thing while
            you’re here? We got two weeks before
            your folks are back from the Stampede.
            Think we can do it by then?

                       LARRY
            Yeah!

    Billy climbs up and they drive away with Larry happily in his
    lap helping steer. Kit and Carson ride the pulled cart.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    WINIFRED (mid-30s) works in the garden. She’s one of those hot
    country chicks, but in a sweet way. The tractor approaches with
    Larry doing all the steering now, WEAVING like a beginner.

    Winifred comes to greet them with cabbage, cauliflower, and huge
    rutabagas in her arms. She holds up the rutabagas.
!                                                             9


                      WINIFRED
            Will ya’ look at these monsters!

                      BILLY
            Now them’s blue ribbon rutabeggers.

                      WINIFRED
            They’re goin’ to the fair. Think that
            bull manure made all the difference
            this year.

    They hop off the tractor.

                      LARRY
            Aunt Winnie-Fred, can we go swimmin’ in
            the crick?

                      WINIFRED
            Why sure, if Billy don't need ya’.

                      BILLY
            Gotta slop them hogs first boys.      It’s
            feedin’ time. Then ya’ can go.

                      WINIFRED
            And be back by supper.   I'm makin'
            somethin' special.

    EXT. PIG PEN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry pours corn in a bucket, atop a mix of grody kitchen
    refuse. He adds water and stirs with a big stick. Banana peel
    and assorted gunk wells up. PIGS SCREECH with hungry
    anticipation. Larry pours slop in the feed bin and a raucous
    piggy shoving match ensues. Then they eat like pigs.

    Larry and Kit head to the PASTURE.   Billy calls out:

                      BILLY
            Hey boys, call them cows on your way
            out. And stick to them cow paths, ya‘
            hear? Don’t want ya’ gettin’ lost.
                      (BEAT)
            And stay outta’ that bull pasture! Or
            ol’ Elvis will getcha.
!                                                             10


    EXT. COW PASTURE - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit run down a COW PATH calling unseen cows.

                     LARRY,KIT (OVERLAPPING)
            Come bos! Come bos! Come bos!

    COWS appear and trot by towards their dinner. Larry and Kit
    take off running. A huge bull in a nearby pasture gives them
    the evil eye. This is ELVIS THE BULL.

    EXT. CREEK IN PASTURE - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit splash in the creek. Larry pulls out a CRAWDAD.
    It waves its claws threateningly. Larry frees him. We see
    TADPOLES in the shallows.

                       LARRY
            Look!   Them little frog’s got tails!

                      KIT
            They’re tadpoles. Lose them tails when
            they get outta the water.

                      LARRY
            Lose their tails?   How?   I wanna see
            this.

    Larry grabs futilely for a tadpole.

                      KIT
            Well they gotta grow up first. They’re
            babies. That’s why they got them
            tails.

                      LARRY
            Well, I’m still gonna get one.

    They try, but fail, to catch the slippery tadpoles.

                      KIT
            Need somethin’ to scoop ‘em up with.

    Off in the distance stands an old DILAPIDATED BARN.

                      LARRY
            Bet there’s somethin’ in that barn.
!                                                               11


    EXT./INT. OLD BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit peek through a dusty window. We see vintage
    plows, wagons, cattle yokes, and lots of cobwebs. Spooky.
    Larry pries open the door. They enter. Kit points to a big dust
    ball on the floor, with hay mixed in.

                      KIT
            Watch it, there’s ghosts in here.

                      LARRY
            There ain’t no ghosts in here.

                     KIT
            Sure are. See that. That’s a ghost
            turd. Big one. From a cow.

                      LARRY
            Cows don’t have ghosts!

                      KIT
            Everything’s got ghosts. We got one in
            our barn. She’s nice. Carson said
            she’s’ a milk cow that’s why she never
            gives us any trouble. Ol’ Bessie. She
            poohs a lot.

    Larry prods the dust ball on the floor.

                      KIT
            By the size a’ that thing, could be a
            bull. They’re mean.

                      LARRY
            That ain’t ghost poop.

    Kit picks up the dust ball and tosses it at Larry’s head.

                         KIT
            Sure is.   Smell it!

    Larry YELPS and dodges the dust ball. Suddenly a loud SWOOSH as
    BARN SWALLOWS fly from the rafters. The boys YELL in fright. A
    beat as they eye the birds in the rafters.

                      KIT
            Wow! Them’s barn swallows!   They’re
            good luck.
!                                                              12


                      LARRY
            Do they like ghost poop?

                      KIT
            No, but dogs do.

    Larry spies a tin can sitting up a rafter.

                      LARRY
            There! Let’s get that for the
            tadpoles.

    Larry climbs the LADDER to the hay loft and crawls over the
    RAFTERS. He carefully makes his way, avoiding NESTS, and
    encounters something tucked up in the rafters wrapped in a
    BURLAP SACK. He lowers it to Kit, then knocks the can from the
    self. He makes his way back.

                      KIT
                 (teasing)
            Careful a’ the chicken ghosts up there.
            They’ll peck ya’ to death.

    Larry hits a swallow nest with his foot and it FALLS. Kit looks
    worriedly at the sad little thing lying on the FLOOR.

                      KIT
            Ain’t supposed to mess with swallows’
            nests, Larry. It’s bad luck.

    Larry climbs down and investigates the sack. He pulls a box
    from the sack. It’s the old ANTIQUE BOX (seen in Winifred’s
    present day living room), with the two B’s engraved on the top.
    They open it to reveal a plush silk lining and EMPTY UPPER TRAY.

                      KIT
            What is this?

                      LARRY
            Looks like a jewelry box. Bet Aunt
            Winnie-Fred would like this. I’m gonna
            give it to her!

                      KIT
            Where you gonna say you got it? We
            ain’t supposed to be in this barn. It
            ain’t safe.
!                                                                 13


                      LARRY
            Maybe I won it.

                      KIT
            Like some stuffed animal at the
            shootin’ gallery?

                      LARRY
            Yeah.

                      KIT
            They ain’t got no jewelry boxes at the
            shootin’ gallery.

                      LARRY
            Well maybe I bought it.

                      KIT
            You got money?

                      LARRY
            No.

                      KIT
            But ya’ would if ya’ won the Mutton
            Bustin‘ at the fair. Champ gets ten
            bucks.

                      LARRY
            Ten bucks?! You doin’ it?

                      KIT
            Of course! I always do it. And next
            year, when I turn ten, I’m steppin’ up
            to calf ridin’.

                      LARRY
            I ain’t never rode no sheep.   Do they
            buck?

                      KIT
            Not too much. It’s easy. All ya gotta
            do is git on, squeeze hard with your
            legs, and hang on tight. And hope ya’
            don’t get a wild one.

    We hear the THUNDERING ROAR of a monster tractor off in the
    distance.
!                                                                14


                       LARRY
             Hey, that’s Billy!    He’s firin’ up
             Bulldoggie!

    EXT. TRACTOR TRAIL – 1972(DREAM) – LATE DAY

    MUSIC:   CRAIG MORGAN “Little Bit of Life”

    Billy races a huge tractor fast down the trail. This is
    BULLDOGGIE, a hot-rod tractor made just for Pulling. Monster
    wheels, monster engine, and monster fun. He's all shiny with
    “Bulldoggie” painted on the sides, next to a horned half-bull-
    half-bulldog mascot with steam coming out his nose.

    Billy stops, then revs the engine and an impressive cloud of
    fumes spits high in the sky. Down the trail a BUNNY sits
    nibbling away. Bulldoggie takes off fast, headed straight for
    the bunny. The bunny’s eyes bulge out and she high-tails it
    outta there fast.

    EXT. COW PASTURE - 1972(DREAM) - LATE DAY

    MUSIC CONTINUES:

    Larry and Kit run through a pasture heading towards BULLDOGGIE'S
    ROAR. They’re not on a cow path. Larry runs ahead with the
    burlap sack. He climbs under a fence and charges forward. Kit
    comes to the fence and stops.

                         KIT
             Larry!    That’s the bull pasture!

    Larry’s already half way across. He turns to see ELVIS THE HUGE
    BULL, a thousand pounds of angry testosterone, heading fast down
    the pasture. The bull stops and sizes up a petrified Larry.

    A FURRY GOPHER pops up from his hole and watches this all.

    The bull LOWERS HIS HEAD and PAWS the ground, ready to charge.
    The gopher CHITTERS an urgent warning at Larry.

                       KIT
             Run Larry, run!

    Larry DROPS THE SACK and runs like hell for the opposite fence.
    The bull charges after him. Just as the bull’s about to get a
    piece of him, Larry escapes under the fence. He stands panting
    on the other side as the Bull swaggers menacingly.
!                                                                 15


    With the bull distracted, Kit sprints out to fetch the sack and
    retreats back to safety. He heads along the fence line, going
    around the pasture, not through it. As he plods along the BULL
    comes over to stalk him too.

                      KIT
            Go away Elvis!   You want a cowpie in
            your face?

    Kit tosses a dried up old COWPIE over the fence like a Wild West
    frisbee. The Bull attacks it when it lands. Larry arrives.

    MUSIC FADES.

                      LARRY
            Did you see that?     He was gonna kill
            me!

                      KIT
            No kiddin’! You’re lucky he didn’t
            toss you sky high and stomp ya’ into
            the ground like some gopher. A dead
            gopher!

                      LARRY
            Well I out ran 'im.

                     KIT
            Yeah. And look at him. He ain’t happy
            ‘bout it. He’s gunnin’ for ya’ now.

    The angry BULL snorts.

                      KIT (CONT’D)
            You gotta stay outta the bull pasture
            Larry.

    We hear Bulldoggie ROAR in the distance.      As they take off, the
    gopher pops up again and watches them go.

    INT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - LATE DAY

    Larry and Kit enter the barn, sack in hand.

                      LARRY
            We gotta hide this.
!                                                                   16


                      KIT
            Up in the hay loft.

    They climb the LADDER. HAY BALES are stacked high. They stash
    their treasure then jump from the loft into the HAY STACK below.

    INT. BILLY’S FARM, SEWING ROOM - 1972 (DREAM) - LATE DAY

    Winifred sits at her SEWING MACHINE. BRIGHT SHIRTS and PANTS
    surround her. These are GROOVY BAND OUTFITS for a 70s country-
    rock band. In the background we see the beginnings of the
    BUFFALO BILL JACKETS (seen in the 1972 polaroid).

    She takes a fancy WESTERN SHIRT from the machine. It has two-
    foot long white fringe across the chest and down the arms.

    EXT. BILLY'S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - LATE DAY

    Billy drives up on Bulldoggie.    Carson opens the engine and
    starts adjusting.

                      CARSON
            Okay, fire ‘er up!

    Billy hits the gas.   The engine runs rough.

                      BILLY
            Check the intake valve.

    Carson adjusts again. Billy revs the engine.     Still rough.
    Billy cuts the engine. Larry and Kit arrive.

                      LARRY
            Can I drive him, Uncle Billy?

                      BILLY
            Not today, Larry. Bulldoggie’s runnin’
            like bull-pucky. We got work to do to
            get him ready for the pull.

    EXT. BILLY'S FARM – 1972(DREAM) – LATE DAY

    Winifred comes out the door with the groovy band outfits.
    Carson inspects them.
!                                                                 17


                      WINIFRED
            Tell the boys to come on by if they
            need adjustin’.

    Winifred admires the incredible fringed shirt.

                      WINIFRED (CONT’D)
            Think this is my favorite.

    Carson tries it on.   Billy walks up with Larry and Kit.

                      BILLY
            Whoa, will ya’ look at that fringe.
            You’re a real band now, Carson.

                      CARSON
            Just in time. We’re playin’ the teen
            dance at the Moose Lodge tomorrow
            night.

                      WINIFRED
            Well I used plenty a’ stripes playin’
            up your name.

                      KIT
            The Streaks! They were the Streakers,
            but mom made ‘em change it... or they’d
            be naked.

                      CARSON
            Okay, little rat fink. Come on, mom’s
            probably got supper on the table.

                      WINIFRED
            Wait. I got somethin’ for you to take
            to Annabelle.

    Winifred hands over a box of PUPCAKES -- cleverly decorated
    cupcakes that look like dogs.

                      BILLY
            Well doggies! Those look good.

                      WINIFRED
            They’re pupcakes. I'm gonna enter some
            at the fair. I wanna know which ones
            she likes best.

    Carson and Kit leave in CARSON’S TRUCK.
!                                                                18


                      WINIFRED
            Come on, boys. Supper's ready.

                      BILLY
            Good, I’m starvin’.     ‘Bout ready to eat
            that tractor.

                      LARRY
            Me too.

                      WINIFRED
            Well ya’ better be hungry. I made some
            really nice Jello. Larry, can you set
            up the TV trays? I wanna watch Love
            Boat.

    INT. BILLY'S FARMHOUSE, KITCHEN – 1972(DREAM) - EVENING

    LOVE BOAT theme music plays on TV. Winifred dishes oddly
    appetizing TATER TOT CASSEROLE onto plates. She extracts an
    extremely tall JELLO mold from the fridge. It’s freakily white
    with bright green jello cubes floating throughout.

                      WINIFRED
            I’m trying some new recipes for the
            fair. This here’s the Crown Jewels.
            What do ya’ think?

                      BILLY
            Looks fit for a king.

                      WINIFRED
            It’s a dessert, so we’ll save it for
            after supper.

    She puts it back in the fridge and pulls out two more tall
    JELLOS. Each lime green with vegetables chunks suspended
    throughout. She sets them on the table next to a “JOYS OF
    JELLO” COOKBOOK.

                      WINIFRED
            These are the Summer Veggie Delights.
            That cabbage one’s a little dull
            lookin’, don’t ‘ya think?
            But this here cauliflower-pimento sure
            is purty.

    Billy examines the strange looking thing.
!                                                                19


                      BILLY
            Why that is cauliflower in there, ain’t
            it? Didn’t know you could do that.

    Winifred places a final JELLO on the table. It’s lime green
    too. A round ring-mold with celery, sliced green olives,
    radishes, and tuna suspended in all their shocking glory.

                      WINIFRED
            This here is Ring-Around-the-Tuna.

                      BILLY
            Now that’s nice lookin’.

                      WINIFRED
            We gotta taste test ‘em all. Can’t
            judge a book by its cover ya’ know.

    CLOSE on the incredible JELLOS as Winifred slices and loads them
    onto plates.

                      BILLY
            I need me some ketchup for my tots.

    Billy streams KETCHUP over his tot casserole.    He points to the
    green TUNA JELLO on his plate.

                      BILLY
            This here's the tuna?

    Winifred nods yes.    Billy squirts ketchup on the tuna jello.

                      WINIFRED
            Hey Larry! You want some pickled pig's
            feet?

                         LARRY (O.S.)
            Yeah!

    Winifred takes pickled pig's feet from a jar. They are fully
    intact and very pink, with more than a little congealed fat in
    the mix.

    Billy heads to the living room, then calls back...

                      BILLY
            Hey Winnie-Fred, can you bring the
            Dorothy Lynch?
!                                                                 20


                      WINIFRED
            Sure honey.

    Winifred grabs a bottle of Dorothy Lynch salad dressing and
    heads to the living room.

    INT. BILLY’S FARMHOUSE, LIVING ROOM - 1972 (DREAM) - EVENING

    LOVE BOAT banter fills the air. Larry gnaws a pig’s foot clean.
    STATIC appears in the TV picture.

                       WINIFRED
            Darn!   And this is the good part.

    Larry jumps up and adjusts RABBIT EARS.     He moves them around...

                      BILLY
            Yeah, that’s it.     Right there.

    The picture quality is better until Larry lets go, then static
    reappears.

                      BILLY
            No, try ‘er again.

    Larry touches the rabbit ears and static immediately disappears.
    He lets go, then static. He grabs it, no static.

                      WINIFRED
            Maybe just stand there ‘til the next
            commercial?

                      BILLY
            Winnie-Fred, I was talkin’ to Harvey in
            town the other day. They got this new
            thing called cable TV. He said he’d
            string it on out here if we wanted.
            And ya’ know what? They got six whole
            channels on that thing.

                     WINIFRED
            Six? I didn’t know there were six
            channels. What are they?
!                                                               21


                      BILLY
            Beats me. Don’t know what ya’d do with
            that much TV. Cain’t watch it all.
            But we wouldn’t have this problem with
            the reception no more. Comes in over a
            cable somehow. I’m thinkin’ a’ gettin’
            it.

    Larry continues to faithfully hold the rabbit ears. A HAMMS
    BEER commercial begins, with cartoon bears and tom-tom drum
    jingle “From the land of sky blue waters”.

                      BILLY
            Winnie-Fred, I think it’s time for the
            Crown Jewels.

    Winifred goes to fetch dessert.   Larry continues to hold the
    rabbit ears. He’s into this.

                      LARRY
            Uncle Billy, Kit’s doin’ Mutton Bustin’
            at the rodeo. Can I?

                       BILLY
            Why sure, cowboy.

                       LARRY
            Hotdog!   Kit says the winner gets ten
            bucks!

                      BILLY
            Ten bucks? You’re gonna be rich.

    Winifred proudly brings in the jello.   We hear LOVE BOAT music.
    Life is sweet.

    EXT. RODEO ARENA - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry peers down from the stands into a corral full of huge
    BRAHMA BULLS. Mean and scary as hell. Bull riding is underway.
    Larry retreats to sit with a bunch of LITTLE COWBOYS and
    COWGIRLS - the mutton busters - watching TOUGH BULLRIDERS get
    tossed around like rag dolls.

    A RODEO BULL tosses his RIDER, then struts the arena pawing the
    dirt threateningly at the RODEO CLOWNS.
!                                                               22


                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            And the bull they call Dr. Evil digs
            the cowboy’s grave! It’s two thousand
            pounds of hate and hell right here at
            the Old Glory Blowout!

    TENDERS run to the downed rider.   They assist as he limps away
    in severe pain.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            Now, North Platte, are ya’ ready for
            our next cowboy?! We’re gonna open it
            up for ya’ one more time in chute gate
            number two. Chad Wilcox on the
            bull ... the bull they call Jack the
            Ripper!

    Another scary ride.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            Now Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s cowboy
            up and get serious here.

    NERVOUS SHEEP are let into the arena.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
            Do ya’ wanna see the future bull ridin’
            champions of America? Yes siree, we
            got ‘em right here and they’re ready to
            go! Say hello to the proud, the brave,
            the Mutton Bustin’ cowboys of North
            Platte, Nebraska!

    The kids parade in with football helmets on. The sheep skitter
    around the arena looking for an escape. The Announcer chats up
    the crowd calling out the name and time for a contestant who
    rides only a few seconds before crashing.

    Larry’s up next.   Billy’s at the chute with him.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            And our next superstar mutton buster is
            Larry, riding the sheep called Wooly
            Monster! And he’s got that look folks.
            That look of a champion rider! Now are
            we ready?! Are we? Well here we go!
            Yes siree!
!                                                              23


                      BILLY (OVERLAPPING)
            Get a grip on ‘er Larry! That’s right.
            Tight around ‘er neck. Yes, that’s it.

    The sheep launches out with Larry clinging for his life.

                      BILLY (CONT’D)
            Hang on to that sucker Larry! Yes,
            that’s right! Come on! Come on! Get
            ‘er done!

    Larry rides the semi-freaked critter for the required six
    seconds, then rolls in the dirt as the BUZZER sounds. He comes
    up WIPING HIS MOUTH.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            Now Larry I hate to tell ya’, but that
            ain’t all dirt you’re spittin’ outta
            your mouth out there.
                 (crowd LAUGHS)
            But that right there is how ya’ do it
            folks! Not only does he get six
            seconds, but, ladies and gentleman,
            listen to this! How about a score of
            eighty-two points for that cowboy!

    Larry struts off proud, but shaken.

                      BILLY
            You got it buddy!

    MONTAGE of remaining kids riding to the WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE.
    SLOW MOTION of their FALLS complete with crash-and-burn SOUND
    EFFECTS and BAHING SHEEP. They’re falling like flies, not even
    close to six seconds. But the last one rides and rides, way
    beyond six seconds and the tenders have to chase the sheep
    around the arena to finally pluck the rider off.

                      RODEO ANNOUNCER
            Now we’re gonna roll it up here folks.
            Eighty-two points is in the lead right
            now. And let’s see the score for our
            last rider. Do we have it? Yes we
            have it! A score of ninety-five
            points! Yes, our new Grand Champion
            Mutton Buster is Chris Calhoun!
!                                                               24


    Chris takes off the football helmet to reveal that Chris is a
    cowgirl. Ouch. Larry stands tall, but disappointed.

    LATER:   All contestants are lined up getting little ribbons.

                       RODEO ANNOUNCER
             And our third place winner receives a
             free pass good for two games at the
             Cedar Bowl bowling alley.
                  (prize given)
             And our second place winner gets a
             spankin’ new cowboy hat from Dick’s
             Western Wear.
                  (hat put on Larry)
             Will ya’ look at that handsome cowboy!

    Larry doffs his hat to the crowd, looking a little down.

                       RODEO ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
             And for our grand prize winner we have
             the Old Glory Blowout Belt Buckle and
             ten brand new silver dollars from the
             North Platte State Bank!

    The prize is given to the cowgirl to CHEERS from the crowd. The
    kids file out the arena. Billy greets the dispirited Larry.

                       BILLY
             Ride ‘em cowboy!   Will ya’ look at that
             hat!

                       LARRY
             But I wanted the ten bucks.

    EXT. FIREWORKS STAND - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Billy drives up in his truck with Larry. Larry wears his new
    hat. They step out a fireworks stand loaded to the brim with
    fabulous fireworks. Billy pulls a TEN DOLLAR BILL from his
    wallet.

                       BILLY
             Well, here’s your ten bucks.   Pick out
             what ya’ want.

    Larry looks tentatively at the ten dollar bill. Keep it or
    spend it? A moment’s hesitation, then sanity rules. He starts
    to pick out the coolest fireworks a kid could ever want.
!                                                                 25


                      LARRY
            I’ll take them whirly birds, and two
            cones, them bottle rockets, some
            sparklers, and those roman candles...
            oh, and give me them snakes and some
            smoke bombs.

    FIREWORKS GUY grabs the loot.

                      BILLY
            And we’ll need a few pinwheels and some
            fountains for Winnie-Fred. She loves
            that stuff. And, if you got ‘em...
            I’ll take a few cherry bombs.

    Fireworks guy loads up the box.

                         FIREWORKS GUY
            That it?

    Larry points urgently at some Mighty Mite firecrackers.

                        LARRY
            Oh!    Gimme some a’ them Mighty Mites
            too!

    MOMENTS LATER:     They carry their fireworks to the truck.

                      BILLY
            Think we’re loaded for bear, Larry.
            Now we better hurry. We gotta get
            ready for the pull tonight.

    EXT. GRANDSTAND ARENA - TRACK/BLEACHERS - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    TRACK/BLEACHERS:

    A TRACTOR PULLIN’ CROWD sits in the bleachers. In the
    background carnival rides fly high, lighting up the night sky.
    Winifred and Larry sit with Kit, Carson, and their mom ANNABELL
    (age 40).

    FOXY LADY, a fine tractor, PULLS a big weighted sled down the
    track. She stops about three quarters of the way.
!                                                               26


                      PULLIN’ ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
            And there she is folks! Foxy Lady!
            What a pretty pull that was! She sure
            is a fox tonight! You betcha!

    Billy’s on Bulldoggie at the starting line. He revs the engine
    and a huge black plume fires straight up with fiery bursts mixed
    in. Monster wheels spin in the dirt. Bulldoggie bumps and
    bobs, doing a half wheelie all the way down the track, pulling
    the sled well past the finish line.

                      PULLIN’ ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
            And there’s ol’ Billy takin’ Bulldoggie
            all the way to the dog house! Yes,
            he’ll be gettin’ his supper tonight!
            You betcha! You betcha! You bet!

    BIG CHEERS. Larry and Kit run off excitedly. They head under
    the bleachers and Larry takes out some Mighty Mites. He lights
    and tosses a couple. They BLOW UP loud, too close to folks low
    in the bleachers.

    An angry HEAD pokes out between the rows.   It’s JESSE FARLEY
    (age 12).

                      JESSE
            Hey, knock it off! You want me to come
            beat the crap outta you?

                      KIT
            Shoot! That’s Jesse Farley.   He will
            beat the crap outta us.

    They run back and sit with Winifred as a smaller tractor rolls
    down the track. AUDREY FARLEY (age 17) drives and waves to the
    crowd. She pulls a sled, but the progressive weights are off
    and she cruises along unhindered.

                      PULLIN’ ANNOUNCER
            And there she is folks! The Queen of
            this year’s Lincoln County Fair! Miss
            Audrey Farley! Now that’s right
            Audrey, wave to the crowd! And I see
            your momma wavin’ back! And there’s
            some boys wavin’ too! Now don’t forget
            to steer Audrey. Will ya’ look at her
            pull boys! Ain’t she somethin’! You
            betcha! You betcha! You bet!
!                                                              27


    Carson takes a special interest in this all.

                      PULLIN’ ANNOUNCER
            And now here’s what you’ve been waitin’
            for. Our winner tonight, takin’ that
            sled all the way to the dog pound!
            It’s our own Billy and the mighty
            Bulldoggie! Yooou beeetcha!

    Billy drives up on Bulldoggie. He wears a “My Wife is Hot”
    t-shirt. CHEERS from the crowd. Winifred blows him a kiss.

    INT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit watch from the HAYLOFT DOOR as Billy and Carson
    drive off on the tractor with some pipe.

    Larry takes the box from its hiding place. He opens it and
    removes the top tray to reveal a SILVER CIGAR CARRYING TUBE,
    CIGAR CUTTER, AND LIQUOR FLASK. He pulls open the bottom drawer
    and we see several SHRIVELED CIGARS. This is an old Cigar
    Humidor.

                      KIT
            Are those cigars?

    Larry picks up a cigar and sniffs it.

                      LARRY
            Holey moley. They are. Glad I didn’t
            give this to Aunt Winnie-Fred!

    Kit shakes the flask.

                      KIT
            There’s somethin’ in here.
                 (unscrews and sniffs)
            Ewww.

    Larry unscrews the cigar tube. A ROLLED-UP PAPER falls out,
    tied by a string. They open it to reveal a colorful WILD WEST
    SHOW FLYER with Buffalo Bill decked out on his fine horse along
    with his Rough Riders. Larry reads...
!                                                              28


                      LARRY
            Buffalo Bill’s Wild West and Congress
            of Rough Riders of the World. A
            company of Wild West cowboys whose
            daring exploits have made their very
            names synonymous with deeds of bravery.
                 (beat)
            Wow!

                      KIT
            Are these Buffalo Bill cigars?

    Larry points to the BB emblazoned on the top of the box.

                       LARRY
            B. B.   Buffalo Bill.    I think so!

    Larry notices writing on the back of the map.

                      LARRY
            What’s this?

    The writing is old fashioned script in fountain pen ink. A map
    orientation symbol shows North at the top. Near the middle a
    small “t” with “Lookout” next to it. Up to the right a small
    “x” with the words “Tall” “Gold” “Eagle” written one below the
    other. Then a dotted line down to encircled double Bs, just
    like on the box. “200” is scrawled by the line. At the bottom
    “1917 WWW”, smaller and barely visible.

                      LARRY
            It’s a map!

                       KIT
            To what?

                      LARRY
            I don’t know. It says lookout.

                      KIT
            There’s them B’s again.

                      LARRY
                 (reads)
            Tall gold eagle.

                      KIT
            That’s an Indian name.
!                                                                 29


                      LARRY
            It could be a real gold eagle.

                      KIT
            A tall eagle made out of gold?

                      LARRY
            Yeah. And it’s buried. Like a
            treasure! Right there.
                 (beat)
            We found Buffalo Bill’s treasure map!

                      KIT
            In the old barn?

                      LARRY
            Yeah! We gotta find it. That’s way
            better than some an old jewelry box.

                      KIT
            Where do we look?

                      LARRY
            Don’t know.

                      KIT
            Maybe it’s at Buffalo Bill’s ranch.

                      LARRY
            Where’s that?

                      KIT
            Right by the fair grounds. Scouts Rest
            Ranch. My class went there with Miss
            McMurtry last year.

    Tractor pulls up outside.   They look out the HAYLOFT door.
    Billy calls up.

                      BILLY
            Come on boys. We gotta get to the fair
            and see how Winnie-Fred is doin’.
            They’re givin’ out ribbons today.

    They re-hide their treasure and jump excitedly to the haystack
    below.
!                                                                30


    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY - CONT.

    Larry and Kit run to Billy’s truck.

                      BILLY
            Okay, let me look at ‘ya.     You clean?

                        LARRY/KIT (UNISON)
            Yeah.

                      BILLY
            Well stay that way. We’re goin’ to the
            smorgasbord at the Elks Club tonight.
            We’re surprisin’ Winnie-Fred, so keep
            your lips zipped.

    They climb into the truck and drive away.

    EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    PARKING AREA: Billy parks the truck. Larry and Kit run off
    towards the carnival. Billy calls after them...

                      BILLY
            You got one hour and then be back for
            the Champions Ceremony. Four o’clock,
            right at the stage. Ya’ hear? And I
            don’t wanna have to come lookin’ for
            ya’!

                       LARRY
            Okay!   We’ll be there!

    CARNIVAL: Larry and Kit move through the colorful MIDWAY.
    Jesse Farley and JACK FARLEY (age 15) appear. They’re your
    average bullies.

                      JESSE
            Hey there little Kitty.     Did you ride
            your pony over?

    Kit ignores them.   They continue to taunt...

                      JESSE
            Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
!                                                              31


                      JACK
            Yeah kitty. Come over and we’ll let
            you ride a real horse.

                      KIT
            How ‘bout you come over and I let you
            ride my pig! Fart face!

    Kit runs ahead to escape the Farleys.   Larry follows.

                      LARRY
            Who were them fatheads?

                      KIT
            That’s Jack and Jesse Farley. I call
            ‘em the Fartleys. They’re always mad
            ‘cause Carson beats ‘em at calf ropin’.

                      LARRY
            Well they can kiss my grits!

                        KIT
            Mine too!

    EXT. SCOUTS REST RANCH - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit run across a road towards an impressive old 1800s
    VICTORIAN HOUSE. A huge candy striped RED BARN sits behind it.
    This is SCOUTS REST RANCH, the home of Buffalo Bill.

    INT. SCOUTS REST RANCH BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY - CONT.

    They enter the Barn. It’s huge and full of horse stalls from
    the Wild West Show days. Old wagons, saddles, bridles, and
    assorted cowboy gear everywhere on display.

    They step into a room showing old-time VIDEO CLIPS: BUFFALO
    BILL rides his fine horse, Indians dance in full headdress, and
    Buffalo Bill shots with his business partner PAWNEE BILL.

    Larry and Kit resume their search of the barn. WILD WEST SHOW
    FLYERS line the wall, including one with a bevy of female horse
    riders titled “BUFFALO BILL’S WILD WEST AND PAWNEE BILL’S FAR
    EAST”. They see an old BRANDING IRON hanging on the wall, with
    DOUBLE Bs IN A CIRCLE.

                       LARRY
            Look.   It’s them B’s!
!                                                                 32


                      KIT
            That’s a brandin’ iron!

                      LARRY
            Circle B’s. It’s Buffalo Bill’s brand!

    The elated boys run out the barn.

    EXT. SCOUTS REST RANCH - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit peer into an old LOG CABIN.     It’s the real deal.
    Stark, empty, and certainly no treasure.      They move on.

    A big WINDMILL stands beside the barn. Larry perilously climbs
    up. He points to a cupola atop the barn roof.

                      LARRY
            There!

    INT. SCOUTS REST RANCH - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit run to a stairway with sign DO NOT ENTER.

                      KIT
            We can’t go up.

    Larry turns the sign backward.

                      LARRY
            Sure we can. I don’t see no sign.      Do
            you?

    They head up the stairs like little thieves.     Moments later they
    peer out the roof cupola.

                      LARRY
            If this is the lookout, then the gold
            eagle would be...
                 (points to PASTURE)
            ... there!

    EXT. SCOUTS REST RANCH - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit climb through the fence into the pasture. They
    count steps. Suddenly they stop. Dead ahead they see several
    HUGE BUFFALO, with grizzly heads the size of Montana. A buffalo
    eyes them, then begins to trot towards them.
!                                                              33


                         LARRY
            Uh-oh.

                      KIT
            He’s bigger than Ol’ Elvis!

    They turn and run.

    MOMENTS LATER:   Walking towards the VICTORIAN HOUSE...

                      LARRY
            What about in there?

    INT. BUFFALO BILL’S HOUSE - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit enter and look over the PARLOR. The house has
    extremely old VICTORIAN DECOR. They move to the DINING ROOM.

    A RANCH TOUR GUIDE dressed in old-time prairie dress and bonnet
    talks to TOURISTS.

    Larry spies an OLD PHOTO on the wall. BUFFALO BILL and an
    INDIAN in fine headdress, standing next to a simple white
    gravestone engraved “Spotted Horse”. A plaque reads: “BUFFALO
    BILL and CHIEF TALL EAGLE, FORT McPHERSON, 1892”

                      LARRY
            It’s Chief Tall Eagle!

                      KIT
            Tall Eagle is an Indian.

    The Ranch Tour Guide sidles over.

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            Yes, that’s Buffalo Bill and Chief Tall
            Eagle at a ceremony honoring Pawnee
            Lookout Scouts.

                      LARRY
            Lookout Scouts?

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            Yes. The Pawnee served as lookouts for
            the Army during the campaign against
            the Sioux. The Pawnee and Sioux were
            always fierce enemies.
!                                                              34


                      LARRY
            Did Tall Eagle have gold?

    She points to a TEA SET on the buffet.

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            According to legend, some Indians had
            large amounts of gold from the Black
            Hills up north. This tea set is Black
            Hills gold. It was a gift from Chief
            Sitting Bull.

    She runs her hand along GOLD INLAY in the extravagant frame of a
    PAINTING of Buffalo Bill on his beautiful horse.

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            And this is Black Hills Gold too.
            Pawnee Bill presented it to the men of
            North Platte when they attended Buffalo
            Bill’s funeral in Denver in 1917.

                      LARRY
            Is Tall Eagle buried in Denver too?

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            Don’t know. But you can see Spotted
            Horse is buried at Fort McPherson.
                 (points to photo)
            See the headstone there?

                      KIT
            Where’s Fort McPherson?

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
            Why just up the road a few miles. You
            should visit, there’s lots of history
            to see at Fort McPherson.

                      LARRY
            We’re lookin’ for treasure.

                      RANCH TOUR GUIDE
                 (amused)
            You are? Well, I hope you boys find
            it.

    Larry and Kit can barely contain their excitement as they hustle
    away.
!                                                                 35


    EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    INTERCUT:

    MONTAGE of Larry and Kit enjoying FRONTIER LAND at the Fair.
    Ferris wheel, cotton candy, tilt-o-whirl, 4-H kids washing cows
    and powdering pigs.

    MONTAGE of Billy admiring combines, corn pickers, and tractors.
    He has a spry conversation with a TRACTOR GUY.

    LATER:   “BULLS-EYE CORRAL” SHOOTING GALLERY

    Larry and Kit shoot at passing targets with Winchester-like
    rifles and real BBs.

                       CARNY GUY
             Okay, you both won prize level one.
             Pick out what ya’ want.

    GIANT STUFFED ANIMALS line the wall.   Larry points to a HUGE
    RABBIT.

                       LARRY
             I’ll take that.

                       CARNY GUY
             Sorry, but that’s prize level three.
             This here is prize level one.

    We see PUNY LITTLE STUFFED ANIMALS. Larry and Kit look them
    over disappointedly. Larry spies a STUFFED BULL up on level
    two.

                       LARRY
             Can we get that bull?

                       CARNY GUY
             That’s level two. You’re level one.

    CARNY GUY grabs a pathetic hairy SNIPE from the reject shelf.

                       CARNY
             But tell ya’ what. You take one a
             these snipes, and I’ll let you have the
             bull.
!                                                                 36


                      LARRY
            What do ya’ think, Kit?

                      KIT
            Okay!

    Carny guy hands over the snipe and bull.

                      CARNY
            Now you go tell all your friends to
            come by the Bulls-Eye Corral and try
            their luck. But they’d better hurry,
            ‘cause these bulls are goin’ fast.

    They leave and come face-to-face with the Farleys who snicker
    menacingly. Larry and Kit high-tail it outta there.

    EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - STAGE AREA - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    A CROWD is gathering. Band equipment sits on stage with six
    tables on the flanks. Nine BLUE RIBBONS hang on the table with
    Winifred’s winning entries.

    Winifred has a GOLD RIBBON attached to her dress.     Larry and Kit
    arrive.

                      WINIFRED
            Larry, quick, I need you in your
            Buffalo Bill outfit. Billy’s got ‘em
            at the truck. And hurry, the
            ceremony’s about to start.

    Larry and Kit head away. Carson and his BAND MATES are on stage
    in their groovy band outfits. Several TEEN GIRLS mingle with
    them. Audrey Farley talks to Carson.

    EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - PARKING AREA - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Billy and Larry strut towards the stage like matching peacocks.
    They're in their Buffalo Billy jackets, fringed chaps, and
    cowboy hats. People clear the way for the impressive duo. They
    march along, heads held high, dressed to kill.
!                                                              37


    EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - STAGE AREA - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    The CEREMONY ANNOUNCER is in 70s PLAID SUIT and FAT TIE. Happy
    gold ribbon winners stand on stage: CABBAGE GUY, BROWNIE LADY,
    WOOD CARVER, SHEEP GIRL with her SHEEP, QUILT LADY, and Winifred
    with Billy and Larry in their fine Buffalo Billy outfits.

                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the
            Lincoln County Fair Champions Ceremony!
            Let’s hear it for our Gold Ribbon
            winners!

    APPLAUSE as Cabbage Guy hoists his huge cabbage, Wood Carver
    swoops his Sand Hills Crane, the sheep BAHs worriedly, and
    Brownie Lady bites into her brownie. Billy doffs his hat and
    bows toward Winifred. Larry earnestly does the same.

                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            And who’ll be our Champion of Champions
            for 1972? Will it be fudgey-chunky-
            rocky-road? This beautiful cabbage?
            The amazing Sand Hills Crane? Or will
            it be Millie the sheep? The Going West
            Quilt? Or the Buffalo Billies?

    The crowd calls out their favorites.

                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            And, folks, this year our prize is
            somethin’ special. It’s a big surprise
            and we don’t get to do it every year.
            But if you’ve been payin’ attention
            you’ll know what I’m talkin’ about.
            What’s the biggest concert of the year?

    A CRY from the crowd “Elvis?”.

                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            That’s right! We’ve got four tickets
            to see Elvis On Tour in Omaha next
            week!

    The crowd reacts with SHOCK and AWE.

                      WINIFRED
            Elvis?!
!                                                                 38


                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            And who is our winner? Our Champion of
            Champions is our Buffalo Billies right
            here! Congratulations Winnie-Fred!

    A thrilled Winifred accepts her ribbon and prize.     As the crowd
    CHEERS Billy grabs the microphone.

                      BILLY
            I’m Buffalo Billy and we’re goin’ to
            Elvis! Yeehaa!

                      CEREMONY ANNOUNCER
            Okay folks, now let’s give it up for
            our local boys. The Streaks!

                      CARSON
            We’re gonna sing ya’ a little tune by
            Three Dog Night. And I just wanna say
            that Winnie-Fred made our band outfits
            too! Ain’t they somethin’?!

    Carson swings the mighty fringe on his shirt. The band launches
    into “JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG”. Carson sings “Joy to the
    World”!

    INT. NORTH PLATTE ELKS CLUB - 1972(DREAM) - EVENING

    Billy and Winifred dance to a lively polka band. Kit’s parents,
    Annabelle and WYATT, are in the swarm of polka dancers. A
    “Brothers of Bohemia” BANNER hangs on the wall over a stuffed
    ELK HEAD.

    Larry and Kit examine an old time map hanging on the wall full
    of Buffalo Bill pictures and Old West items. The map shows
    Scouts Rest Ranch, Fort McPherson, and Sioux Lookout.

                      KIT
            There it is! Fort McPherson.

                      LARRY
            How far is it?

                      KIT
            We can ride the ponies there.
                 (points to map)
            See that crick? I’ve been that far
            before.
!                                                             39


    Jesse and Jack Farley sidle up.

                      JESSE
            Whatcha lookin’ at?

                       LARRY
            Nothin’.

    Kit and Larry run off.     The Farleys examine the map
    suspiciously.

    INT./EXT. KIT’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Kit and Larry take ROPE HALTERS from the barn. Two SHETLAND
    PONIES are in the pasture. PETUNIA and her son JOHNNY RODGERS,
    a pure black horse that can run like the wind.

                      KIT
            The grey one is Petunia. And that’s
            Johnny Rodgers, her yearling.

                      LARRY
            Can I ride Johnny?

                      KIT
            Yeah, but be careful.     He ain’t
            completely broke yet.     I’m still
            workin’ ‘im.

    Larry and Kit chase the horses. The Shetlands are not playing
    along. Uncatchable. The boys stop, out of breath.

                      LARRY
            Boy, that Johnny Rodgers sure can run.

                      KIT
            Let’s just catch Petunia, then Johnny
            will do whatever she does.

    They finally catch Petunia and put on the halter.

                      KIT
            Take her to the barn and I’ll get
            Johnny. Here, I’ll give ya’ a hitch
            up.
!                                                                40


    Larry climbs aboard bareback. Petunia bolts off. She goes for
    the trees, the fence, whatever it takes to brush Larry off. She
    finally DUMPS him and runs away. Larry comes up limping.

                      LARRY
            She’s the tame one?

                      KIT
            Shetland’s are just onry.    And they’re
            bein’ extra onry today.

                      LARRY
            Suppose they know we’re goin’ to Fort
            McPherson and they think it’s too far
            to go?

                      KIT
            Could be. They got that extra sense
            ya’ know... horse sense.

                      LARRY
            What are we gonna do?

    They think a moment, then with a sly look from Larry...

                      LARRY
            We could take the tractor.

                      KIT
            We ain’t supposed to be on the road
            with no tractor.

                      LARRY
            But we gotta find the treasure!

    INT. BILLY’S FARM - LIVING ROOM - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Billy snoozes in the recliner.   Larry and Kit tip-toe by.

    INT. BILLY’S FARM, SEWING ROOM - 1972(DREAM) - DAY (CONT.)

    Winifred sews something big and white. The beginnings of an
    Elvis cape for Larry. Larry and Kit enter.

                      LARRY
            Can we take the tractor over to Kit’s
            to give his ponies some hay?
!                                                               41


                       WINIFRED
             Sure, but don’t be gone too long.
             Billy’s gonna need to move pipe.
                  (beat)
             And, Larry, before you go, I need a
             measurement.

    She holds a measuring tape from Larry’s neck to below his butt.

    EXT. COUNTRY ROADS - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Kit and Larry drive the tractor right by the SHETLANDS standing
    at the fence. No hay is given to the ponies.

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “Trouble”

    LATER: Larry and Kit poke along down the road. A truck passes
    them. Cows stare curiously. They pass a rider on horseback.
    Jesse Farley. He gallops up, yelling...

                       JESSE
             What ya’ doin’ out here on that
             tractor?

                       LARRY
             Gettin’ your panties in a knot!

    They speed up.   Jesse gallops faster.

                       JESSE
             What’s wrong Kitty?     Your little pony
             gone lame?

    Larry hits the gas hard.   The tractor spits a cloud of fumes and
    speeds away.

                       KIT
             Eat my dust, Fartley!

    EXT. FORT MCPHERSON CEMETERY - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit pull into FORT MCPHERSON. There’s an OLD LOG
    FORT, rows of white military HEADSTONES, and the tallest hill
    around -- SIOUX LOOKOUT -- visible nearby.
!                                                              42


    Larry and Kit walk through HEADSTONES dated in the 1870s and
    80s. We see “SPOTTED HORSE” and “UNKNOWN INDIAN SCOUT”. They
    examine their TREASURE MAP, then point towards a Pony Express
    MONUMENT.

    MOMENTS LATER:   At the monument.   Larry reads...

                      LARRY
            Pony Express Riders carried mail two
            thousand miles along this route from
            Missouri to California.

                      KIT
            Do ya’ think Tall Eagle would ‘a buried
            a treasure here?

    Larry and Kit look around at all the graves..

                      LARRY
            If he did it a’ been dug up by now.

                      KIT
            Maybe this was the lookout.

                      LARRY
            Then the treasure would be...

    They examine the map. They count steps as they approach an OLD
    WOODEN BUILDING. It’s small with a half moon window opening.

                      LARRY, KIT (UNISON)
            ... hundred ninety nine, two hundred.

    They size up the building.

                      LARRY
            It’s under here.

    Larry goes inside.

    INT. OUTHOUSE - 1972(DREAM) - DAY (CONT.)

    We see an old wooden toilet seat.

    EXT. FORT MCPHERSON CEMETERY - 1972(DREAM) - DAY (CONT.)

    Larry steps out the outhouse.
!                                                                 43


                      LARRY
            It’s an outhouse!

                      KIT
            Did you look inside?     Maybe it’s decoy.

    INT. OUTHOUSE - 1972(DREAM) - DAY (CONT.)

    Larry lifts the toilet seat and peers in.     It’s definitely an
    outhouse.

    EXT. FORT MCPHERSON CEMETERY - 1972(DREAM) - DAY (CONT.)

    Larry steps out the outhouse.

                      LARRY
            It ain’t no decoy.

                      KIT
            Well I ain’t diggin’ here.

    MOMENTS LATER:   They sit dejected.    Larry points to a stand of
    TREES.

                      LARRY
            How ‘bout over there?

    LATER: They dig. There’s a pile of dirt and a medium size
    hole. Larry hits something. He pulls an Indian ARROWHEAD from
    the dirt.

                      KIT
            An arrowhead!

                      LARRY
            Indian stuff. Right here!

    They dig harder and faster.     Behind them we see JESSE FARLEY
    approach on his horse.

                      JESSE
            Thought that was your tractor out
            there.

                      KIT
            Beat it Fartley.     They don’t let snakes
            in here.
!                                                                44


                      JESSE
            What ‘ya diggin’ for?     Treasure?

    Larry holds up the arrowhead.

                      LARRY
            Arrowheads.

                      JESSE
            Gimme that!

    Jesse dismounts and comes at them. He tackles Larry to the
    ground. They roll around. Larry breaks free. They spar.
    Suddenly Jesse’s horse comes at him. Kit’s in the saddle.

                     JESSE
            Cheyenne! Stop!      It’s me!

    Kit rears the horse at Jesse. Jesse takes off running with Kit
    in pursuit. Kit pulls up, dismounts, and slaps the horse on the
    rear.

                       KIT
            Go on.   Git!

    The horse runs away.     Jesse pursues him in vain.

                      LARRY
            That boy’s lower than a snake’s belly
            in a tire rut.

                      KIT
            And he don’t deserve that horse.      Too
            good for him.

    They climb aboard the tractor and speed away.

    EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Larry and Kit drive the tractor. A SHERIFF’S CAR approaches and
    trails them. Then it passes them.

    As they turn onto the road with their farms up ahead the SHERIFF
    DEPUTY sits waiting. He wears a big TEN GALLON HAT and has a
    mighty BIG GUN in his holster. He's a weird little dude,
    swamped by these accouterments. He waves them over.

                      DEPUTY
            Where you boys headed?
!                                                              45


                       LARRY
             Home.

                       DEPUTY
             Where’s that?

    They point down the road.

                       DEPUTY
             Where ya’ been?

                       LARRY/KIT (UNISON)
             Fort McPherson.

                       DEPUTY
             Fort McPherson!?    On that tractor?
             Doin’ what?

                       LARRY
             Diggin’ for arrowheads.

                       DEPUTY
             How old are you boys?

                       LARRY/KIT (UNISON)
             Nine.

                       DEPUTY
             Well, you cain't be out on that road
             with no tractor. I’m gonna have to
             take you in.

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “Jailhouse Rock”

    MOMENTS LATER: The Deputy drives with the SIREN blaring.   The
    boys sit in the back looking plenty scared.

    EXT. BILLY’S FARM - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Billy HEARS the NOISY SHERIFF CAR coming up
    the road. He’s waiting as they arrive.

    MUSIC DOWN:

                       BILLY
             What’s up Deputy?
!                                                                  46


                      DEPUTY
            Found these boys up the road on your
            tractor. Say they’ve been to Fort
            McPherson.

                      BILLY
            Fort McPherson?

                      LARRY
            We went to see the Indian graves.

                      BILLY
            Indian graves? Well, did ya’ find ‘em?

    Larry and Kit nod yes. The Deputy looks STERN, expecting the
    boys to be in big trouble. Billy notices..

                      BILLY
            Now boys, ya’ shouldn’t a’ been drivin’
            that tractor on the road so far.
            There’s crazy people out there who’ll
            run into ya’. Ain’t got no respect for
            no tractor.

    The Deputy is semi-confused at this odd scolding.

                      BILLY (CONT’D)
            Thanks for bringin’ ‘em in Deputy.
            I’ll take it from here. I’m puttin’
            these two on poop duty.

    The Deputy looks satisfied.   As he drives away he pauses...

                      DEPUTY
            Hey, I hear you won tickets to Elvis!

                      BILLY
            Yeah! Winnie-Fred did.    Ain’t she
            somethin’!

    As the Deputy drives away, Billy shakes his head.

                      BILLY
            Now there's a bucket 'a weird. Ten
            gallon hat on a two gallon head.
                 (beat)
            Did you two really drive that tractor
            all the way to Fort McPherson?
!                                                        47


    Larry and Kit nod yes.

                      BILLY
            Well, I’ll say.    That showed some get
            up and go.

                      KIT
            We tried to take the ponies, but they
            wouldn’t go.

                      BILLY
            Well, ya’ know what they say boys. If
            your horse ain’t wantin’ to go there,
            you shouldn’t neither. Now you run on
            up and get my tractor.

                      LARRY
            Can we drive it on the road?

                      BILLY
            Yes. But watch out for that Deputy or
            I’ll be gettin’ you outta jail! And
            when you get back, you take it right on
            into the pasture there, ‘cause you two
            are on poop duty. You should a’ told
            me where you was a’ goin’.

    The boys look chastised.   Billy reassures them...

                      BILLY (CONT’D)
            Now go on. I need me a full load a’
            cow-pies. ‘Cause we’re havin’ a bonfire
            tonight!

                      LARRY
            A bonfire? Yea!

                      KIT
            Can we make a teepee and sleep in it?

                      BILLY
            You build it, you can sleep in it. Now
            you go get them cow-pies!
                 (Larry and Kit run off)
            And I don’t want any a’ the mushy ones!
            Just dry crunchy. And stay outta that
            bull pasture!
!                                                              48


    EXT. COW PASTURE - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Kit drives the tractor as Larry picks up COW-PIES and piles them
    on the cart. Larry uses a STICK to poke cow-pies to see if
    they’re soft. Several fail the poke test.

    LATER: Larry drives as Kit picks up cow-pies.   The cart has
    quite a pile of crap on it.

    Elvis the bull watches as they near his fence. Larry spies a
    MAGNIFICENT COW-PIE just inside the bull pasture. Huge. A must
    have.

                      LARRY
            Look at that. It’s the king ‘a cow-
            pies.

    MOMENTS LATER: Larry and Kit stand admiring the elusive
    treasure through the fence. The bull looms over it
    threateningly. The gopher pops his head up to watch.

                      LARRY
            I’m gettin’ it.

                      KIT
            We don’t need it. We got plenty a’
            crap on that cart.

                      LARRY
            Well I’m still gettin' it.

                      KIT
            Ain’t you learned your lesson yet?
            Look at ‘im. I told ya’, he’s gunnin’
            for ya’.

                      LARRY
            You distract him.   And I’ll do the
            rest.

    Kit grabs a red rag from the tractor cart. He waves it at the
    bull and runs down the fence line. The bull follows.

    Larry SPRINTS into the pasture and plucks up the HUGE COW-PIE.
    The gopher CHITTERS in disapproval. The bull turns and makes a
    beeline towards Larry. Larry runs but drops the cow-pie just
    before he scoots under the fence.
!                                                              49


    The bull arrives, he’s fuming. Larry pokes a stick through the
    fence and drags the cow-pie to safety with the bull pawing madly
    in defense. Larry holds the cow-pie high in triumph.

                      LARRY
            Hey Elvis! Guess what?!   We’re goin’
            to Omaha. To see Elvis!   What do ya’
            think a that?!

    The bull turns tail to the boys and drops a pile of pooh. It
    makes a HUMONGOUS COW-PIE, landing right on top of the gopher
    hole. We hear furious underground CHITTERING.

                      LARRY
            We’ll be back for that one tomorrow!

    The gopher pokes his head up through the fresh steaming pile of
    pooh. He’s covered in crap. He CHITTERS in disgust as Larry
    and Kit drive away.

    EXT. BILLY’S FARM - 1972(DREAM) – DAY

    Tractor Guy from the fair gets in his truck and drives away.
    Billy pushes a SMALL GARDEN TRACTOR towards the barn. Larry and
    Kit arrive with the cart of cow-pies.

                      LARRY
            What's that?

                      BILLY
            Well, I decided if you wanna drive a
            tractor so bad, maybe I'd just get ya'
            one. That way I can get more work
            outta ya'. You can move pipe, and feed
            the cows, and that Deputy can’t
            complain when you’re out on the side ‘a
            the road mowin’ the ditch.

    Larry looks a little worried at all this work.

                      BILLY (CONT’D)
            And when I beef him up a bit, you can
            even drive him in the Juniors at the
            tractor pull! What do ya’ think ‘a
            that?
                      LARRY
            I can?!
!                                                                50


                      BILLY
            You can. And there's a pull up at
            Ogallala on Thursday. Wanna go?

                      LARRY
            Yeah!

                      BILLY
            Well, he’s gonna need a name. What do
            ya' think? Scary Larry a' the Prairie?

                      LARRY
            How ‘bout Mighty Mite?

                      BILLY
            I like that. When I get him fixed up,
            he will be a Mighty Mite.

    Larry hops on the tractor.   They try to start it.   It sputters.
    They try again. No luck.

                      BILLY
            He’s gonna need a little work.

    Larry helps Billy push Mighty Mite towards the barn.

    EXT. BILLY’S FARM - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    A big BONFIRE burns, a mix of wood and cow-pies. A TEEPEE sits
    on the lawn. Kit and Larry roast WEENIES. Billy tosses several
    cow-pies into the inferno. Sparks fly up on the weenies. The
    boys bite into them, fresh off the cow-pie flame.

                      WINIFRED
            Kit, I talked to your momma and guess
            what?

                      KIT
            I can sleep in the teepee?

                      WINIFRED
            Yes you can. And you’re goin’ to Omaha
            to see Elvis with us too. Your daddy’s
            loanin’ us your camper.

                      LARRY
            We’re goin’ campin’ in Omaha?!    Yippee!
!                                                                  51


    Larry and Kit toss the huge BULL COW-PIE into the fire. Flames
    burst high. Winifred appears with two LITTLE ELVIS CAPES,
    complete with rhinestones. She puts them on the boys.

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “BURNING LOVE”

    Billy does an Elvis-the-pelvis dance with hot-dog as microphone.
    The boys join in. They shoot off fireworks. Sky rockets burst
    in the brilliant night sky as we STAY ON the bright MOON.

    MUSIC FADES:

    Sounds of the night:      CRICKETS, OWLS, FROGS.

    INT. TEEPEE - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    NIGHT SOUNDS continue.      The MOON shines through the opening at
    the top of the teepee.      Larry and Kit lay quietly inside.

                       LARRY
             How are we gonna find the treasure?

                       KIT
             I think we lost our luck.

                        LARRY
             How?

                       KIT
             We broke the swallow’s nest. That’s
             why we got Fartley after us. And the
             ponies didn’t wanna go. And the
             Sheriff picked us up.

                       LARRY
             And Mighty Mite won’t run.
                  (beat)
             How do we get our luck back?

                       KIT
             We could fix the nest. But we ain’t
             supposed to be in that barn.

                        LARRY
             Come on.   Let’s go.

                        KIT
             Now?
!                                                               52


                      LARRY
            Yes, time’s a wastin’.    Let’s get ‘er
            done.

    EXT. COW PASTURE - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    Larry and Kit traipse down a cow path with a flashlight. A
    coyote HOWLS. Larry steps into something soft. He shines a
    light on nasty fresh cow POOH on his shoe.

                       LARRY
            Oooh!   Yuck!

                      KIT
            Told ya’ we lost our luck.

    EXT./INT. OLD BARN - 1972 (DREAM) - DAY

    Larry shines the flashlight through the window.   It’s spooky
    inside. Something white and wispy SWISHES by.

                      LARRY
            What was that?!

                      KIT
            Think it was a ghost!

    They shine the light through the window and barn swallows erupt
    from the rafters.

                      LARRY
            It was just them birds again.

                      KIT
            I’m not goin’ in there.

                      LARRY
            Come on, don’t be chicken.    We gotta
            fix that nest.

    Larry opens the door. Then it happens. The WHITE WISPY COW
    GHOST wafts out the door. We HEAR the sound of trotting hoofs
    as it disappears into the night.

                      KIT
            Did you see that?!
!                                                                 53


                      LARRY
                 (shaken)
            Ye..ye..yeah.

                      KIT
            I told ya’ there was ghosts in there.

    They shine the light inside.     We see a fresh new ghost turd.

                     KIT
            See that. It’s fresh.

    They cautiously enter. The sad little MUD NEST still lies on
    the floor. Kit picks it up gingerly. Larry climbs the ladder.
    Kit hands him the nest and Larry tucks it safely in the rafters.
    Larry shines the light around the rafters. We see a BARN
    SWALLOW sweetly watching this all.

    EXT. COW PASTURE - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    Larry and Kit head back across the pasture. A cow MOOs and they
    stop. The sound of WALKING HOOVES nearby. Then the GHOST COW
    appears right in front of them. She’s sweet and wears a bell
    saying “BESSIE”.

                      LARRY
            Do you see what I see?

                      KIT
            Ye.. ye.. yes.

                      LARRY
            Do we run?

    Bessie smiles and MOOs softly.

                      KIT
            I think it’s Bessie, from our barn.
            See her bell?

    Bessie winks, then jumps high over a haystack.

                      KIT/LARRY (UNISON)
            Whoa!

    Bessie leaps again, even higher in the night sky, kicking a STAR
    as she goes. The star SHOOTS AWAY. WE HEAR a magical PING.
!                                                                 54


                      LARRY
            A shootin' star!

    We see Bessie jumping happily from star to star.

                      KIT
            She kicked it! And shootin’ stars are
            good luck?

    Another star streaks by.

                      KIT
            Make a wish.

                      LARRY
            I wish we’d find the treasure!

    Bessie jumps high over the moon.

                      LARRY
            The cow who jumped over the moon.

                      KIT
            Hey diddle diddle. Ol’ Bessie’s really
            feelin’ her oats tonight!

                      LARRY
            I think we just got our luck back.

    INT. BARN - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Larry and Kit sit with the box in the hayloft.     They examine the
    map. Carson enters the barn below.

                      KIT
            Think we should show this to Carson?

    They think for a moment, then Larry acts..

                      LARRY
            Hey, Carson! Come here.

                      CARSON
            What are you two doin’ up there all the
            time?

                      KIT
            We found somethin’.   Come look.
!                                                          55


    Carson climbs to the loft.    They show him the box.

                      CARSON
            What is it?

                      LARRY
            A cigar box. We found it in the old
            barn.

                      CARSON
            Grandpa’s old barn? You ain’t supposed
            to be there. It ain’t safe.

                      KIT
            We needed somethin’ for the tadpoles,
            so we went in and we found this box.
            It’s Buffalo Bill’s.

                      CARSON
            Buffalo Bill?

                       LARRY
            Yeah.   And look at this.

    Larry shows Carson the map.

                      LARRY
            A treasure map. Buffalo Bill’s
            treasure. We think it’s gold.

    Carson examines the map.

                      CARSON
            You found this in the old barn?
                 (reading map)
            What’s that. Sioux Lookout?

                      LARRY
            Sioux Lookout?

                      CARSON
            Tall hill over yonder. Indians used to
            to spot wagon trains goin’ west. Then
            they’d go scalp 'em.

                      LARRY
            Can you take us there?
!                                                     56


                      CARSON
            What? You two don’t wanna drive
            Billy’s tractor? I heard about your
            shenanigans the other day.

                      LARRY
            We’d take Mighty Mite, but I don't
            think he’d make it.

                      KIT
            And the Sheriff, he might put us in
            jail.

                      LARRY
            We gotta find the treasure.

                      CARSON
            Sounds like some ol’ snipe hunt to me.

                      LARRY
            No, it’s real treasure.   Look at the
            map.

                      CARSON
            Tell ya’ what. I’ll take you two to
            Sioux Lookout, but you gotta catch me a
            snipe first.

                       LARRY
            Okay!   Where do ya’ find ‘em?

                      CARSON
            They live out in the pastures. Only
            come out at night. That’s why you
            never see ‘em. You can catch ‘em by
            tapping a couple a’ sticks together
            three times. Like this.
                 (taps sticks)
            Their matin’ call. They come runnin’.

    Larry take the sticks and taps.

                      LARRY
            Like this?
!                                                             57


                       CARSON
             Yep, I caught one   once a couple years
             ago. You’ll need    a flashlight.
             They’ll freeze up   stiff when ya’ shine
             a bright light on   ‘em. Then you can
             just pop ‘em in a   bag.

    Kit taps the sticks.

                        CARSON
             Yep.   That’s right.    You got it.

    EXT.   PASTURE - 1982(DREAM) - NIGHT

    SOUND OF TAPPING STICKS. Larry and Kit roam a pasture. They
    find nothing. They come to the bull pasture. Larry shines his
    flashlight around. We see the HUMONGOUS COW-PIE.

                        LARRY
             There’s that cow-pie.     I’m gonna get
             it.

                         KIT
             No Larry!    We’re lookin’ for snipes.

    Larry climbs under the fence with the flashlight.

                       KIT
             Larry! Elvis is gonna think you’re a
             coyote and stomp you into the ground.

    Larry heads to the cow-pie. The gopher pops up from the middle
    of the cow-pie to see what’s going on. He has dried crap all
    over his fur. Larry dives with the sack and captures the
    gopher. The furious creature squirms inside.

                       LARRY
             I got one!

                         KIT
             You did?

                        LARRY
             Yes!   He was under the cow-pie!

    We HEAR Elvis the bull coming.
!                                                              58


                       KIT
            Larry!   Get out!   It’s Elvis.

    Larry grabs the cow-pie and runs with his sack. The bull is
    about to get him when we hear a sexy MOO. Bessie the ghost cow
    sidles up in front of Larry and winks at Elvis the bull. He
    stops and swoons romantically. She gives Larry a little push
    with her hoof and he escapes under the fence. Bessie gives
    Elvis a little smooch, then trots away with Elvis following.

                      LARRY
            She’s the best ghost cow ever!

                      KIT
            Told ya’ they were real.

    Larry yells out...

                      LARRY
            Thanks Bessie! We owe ya’!

    Larry and Kit head off into the night.

    INT. BARN - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    Kit and larry sit in the hayloft. The gopher is in a makeshift
    cage sitting on his cowpie. Larry talks to him.

                      LARRY
                 (shows map)
            And then we found this map, and we’ve
            been lookin’ for the treasure, but we
            had to catch you so Carson will take us
            to Sioux Lookout.

    The gopher examines the map curiously.

                      WINIFRED (O.S.)
            Larry, Kit! Come on. Time to go.

                      LARRY
                 (to gopher)
            We gotta go to Omaha now. But we’ll be
            back. So you be good. You got plenty
            a’ food.

    The gopher CHITTERS in protest, then turns tail and lets out a
    big FART.
!                                                                 59


                      KIT
            That’s what he thinks ‘a that.

                      WINIFRED (O.S.)
            Come on boys.

                      LARRY
            Don’t worry, Buddy.   It’s just a couple
            a’ days.

    The gopher crosses his arms in disgust.

    EXT. FARMHOUSE – 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING - CONTINUOUS

    A camper is hitched to Billy’s truck.     Kit and Larry arrive.

                      BILLY
            You get them hogs fed?

                       LARRY
            Yep.

                      BILLY
            Well load on in, cowboys!     Time to hit
            the road!

    INT. CAMPER – 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    Little Elvis outfits hang in the camper.     Winifred enters with
    cookies. Battleship sits on the table.

                      WINIFRED
            You gonna be alright back here?

                      LARRY
            Yeah, we're gonna play Battleship.

                      WINIFRED
            Here’s some rutabegger cookies. And
            there’s plenty ‘a goodies in the
            fridge, so help yourselves.

     Winifred exits.

                      LARRY
            I don't wanna leave the box here.     What
            if someone finds it?
!                                                                60


                      KIT
            Well get it. I'll cover for 'ya.

    EXT. FARMHOUSE – 1972(DREAM) - MORNING - CONT.

    Kit stands guard outside the camper as Larry goes to the barn.
    Billy returns and loads a suitcase in the truck.

                      KIT
            Can we get a deck a cards to take
            along?

                      BILLY
            Why sure. You two gonna play some
            poker back there?

                       KIT
            Yeah.   We’re gonna play poker.

    Billy smiles and heads to the house.   Larry comes running with
    the box.

    INT. CAMPER – 1972(DREAM) - MORNING - CONT.

    Larry and Kit hide the box.   Billy pokes his head in and hands
    them a deck of cards.

                      BILLY
            Here's your cards. And I don’t wanna
            see any strip poker back here or that
            Deputy will be pullin’ us over for
            sure, puttin’ you two in jail. Now,
            you ready to go?!

                      KIT/LARRY
            Yeah!

                      BILLY
            Let's get 'er done!

    The truck+camper drives away on Mission Elvis.

    INT. CAMPER – 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    Larry and Kit watch out the window as they roll down I-80.   We
    see SIOUX LOOKOUT in the distance.
!                                                                 61


                     LARRY
            See that? Is that Sioux Lookout?

    Larry grabs binoculars. He spys a TALL INDIAN STATUE in full
    head-dress atop Sioux Lookout.

                         LARRY
            Look!     It’s Tall Eagle!

    Kit views the binoculars.

                      KIT
            He's on top a’ Sioux Lookout!

    The boys watch worriedly as Sioux Lookout fades in the distance.

                      LARRY
            Fartley didn’t see our map, did he?
            How’d he know we were diggin' for
            treasure the other day?

                      KIT
            We better get back here soon.

    LATER: They play Battleship. Larry eats a rutabaga cookie,
    then goes to the fridge. He makes grape Cool-Aid from its
    purple packet.

    Kit takes the flask from the Antique Box.   He opens it and
    sniffs.

                      KIT
            This stuff’s rotten.

    Larry sniffs.

                      LARRY
            It’s whiskey. Always smells that way.
            Try it.

                        KIT
            Not me.

    Larry daringly pours a dose into his Cool Aid.

                      KIT
            That stuff will give ya’ the scoots.
            And we don't do number two in the
            camper toilet.
!                                                                      62


    Larry drinks.   He grimaces, then puts on a brave face.

                       LARRY
             It’s not bad.

    Larry takes a shriveled cigar from the box.          He lights a match.

                       KIT
             You’re gonna smoke that!?

    Larry lights the cigar and takes a puff. He coughs. Kit takes
    a little puff and coughs. Larry takes a bigger puff and starts
    to choke. He hands it to Kit who waves him off. Larry puts it
    out.

                       LARRY
             These are too old to smoke.

    LATER:   They play cards.      Go Fish, not poker.

                       KIT
             Larry, do you have any jacks?

    Larry looks over his cards.

                         LARRY
             Go fish.

    Kit draws a card.

                       KIT
             Okay, your turn.

     Larry doesn’t move.       He’s looking a little sick.

                         KIT
             You okay?

                       LARRY
             Yeah ... I’m ... okay.

                       KIT
             You look like you been rode hard and
             put away wet. And, remember, no number
             two in the camper toilet.

    Larry starts rolling around, moaning, holding his stomach.

                       KIT
             Told ya' that stuff was rotten!
!                                                                63


                      LARRY
            I think I’m gonna blow.

    Larry runs and opens the door.    PURPLE PUKE splashes onto I-80.

    EXT. CAMPER PARK – OMAHA – 1972(DREAM) – LATE DAY

    Larry and Kit step out the camper wearing Elvis outfits.
    Winifred follows. She has a big Priscilla Presley bouffant
    hairdo. Billy appears in a western shirt, just like Carson's,
    with fringe to die for. A NEIGHBOR CAMPER calls out...

                      NEIGHBOR CAMPER
            You goin' to Elvis?

                      BILLY
            We sure are!

                      NEIGHBOR CAMPER
            We drove all the way from Kansas City
            this mornin’. Can’t believe we’re
            gonna see the King!

    Neighbor CAMPER WIFE steps out with an equally amazing hairdo.

                      CAMPER WIFE
            I talked to my sister. She saw him in
            San Antone last week. Said if you wait
            by the back door, he’ll talk to ya’
            when he comes in. Ya’ see him up
            close. We’re headin’ in to get a spot.
            You wanna come?

                       WINIFRED
            Yes!   I wanna see him up close.

                      CAMPER WIFE
            And I want a kiss.

                      WINIFRED
            Me too!

                      LARRY
            You’re gonna kiss Elvis?

                      WINIFRED
            If I’m lucky!
!                                                                64


    Larry looks to Billy questioningly.

                      BILLY
            Don’t worry little feller. It’s just
            one of them girl things. They all
            wanna kiss Elvis.

    EXT. OMAHA ARENA – 1972(DREAM) – EVENING

    ELVIS FANS everywhere, dressed in their 70s finest.

    BACK ENTRANCE:

    Winifred, Billy, Larry, and Kit, along with the Neighbor Campers
    stand in a small crowd. The Elvis motorcade arrives. CHEERING
    erupts.

    (Only rear and side views of actor Elvis, no clear face shots.)

    ELVIS and his MEMPHIS MAFIA exit the cars. Elvis shakes hands
    and KISSES women on his way in, including Camper Wife. He
    TOUCHES Winifred’s hand, then sees Larry and Kit in their
    outfits. He turns to his Memphis Mafia.

                      ELVIS
            Bring them up front.    I like their
            style.

    Elvis heads into the arena.    A MEMPHIS GUY talks to Billy amidst
    the pandemonium.

    INT. OMAHA ARENA – 1972(DREAM) – NIGHT

    STAGE AREA:

    Winifred, Billy, Larry, and Kit stand front row. The BAND plays
    on stage. The CROWD goes wild, anticipating Elvis’ entrance.

    Memphis Guy PEEKS out the curtain and catches Larry’s eye. He
    WINKS and disappears. Larry jumps up and follows Memphis Guy.
    As Larry disappears behind the curtain, Winifred sees him go...

                       WINIFRED
            Larry!   Where are you goin’?!

    BACKSTAGE:

    Larry runs smack into the Memphis Mafia.
!                                                                 65


                      MEMPHIS GUY
            Hey, you can’t be back here.

    Memphis Guy starts to lead Larry away.    Elvis intervenes.

                      ELVIS
            Hello son. What’s your name?

                        LARRY
            Larry.

                      ELVIS
            You’re lookin’ good tonight Larry.

                      LARRY
            My Aunt Winnie-Fred made this.     And she
            wants a kiss from you.

    The Memphis Mafia LAUGHS.

                      LARRY
            And guess what Elvis!    We found Buffalo
            Bill's treasure map!

                      ELVIS
            You found what?

    Elvis gets his cue. He and the Mafia head towards the stage.
    Larry shouts after them...

                      LARRY
            Buffalo Bill’s treasure!     It’s buried
            at Sioux Lookout!

    (All Concert Scenes with Elvis use Actual ELVIS ON TOUR (1972)
    outtake footage. Intercut or CGI Larry.)

    REAR STAGE:   POV Larry watching Elvis bound up the stairs to the
    stage.

                        LARRY
            Go Elvis!    Get ‘er done!

    STAGE: Elvis launches into SEE SEE RIDER.     He points his guitar
    side stage.

    SIDE STAGE: Larry waves at Elvis. Winifred and her crew cheer
    below. Larry jumps down and rejoins them.
!                                                                  66


    STAGE: LATER, Elvis in final SONG. He does kneeling SPREAD
    WING POSES in his jeweled cape. The crowd goes wild. Elvis
    runs off stage. Larry jumps up and follows.

    BACKSTAGE: Elvis and the Mafia run to the exit and dive into a
    waiting car. Larry arrives to see disappearing tail lights.

                       LARRY
             Bye Elvis!

    STAGE: The crowd CHANTS “We want Elvis!”. Girls swoon.     The
    Announcer STATES “Elvis has left the building”.

    EXT. BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “ALL SHOOK UP”

    The Truck+Camper rolls down I-80 with the NEBRASKA STATE CAPITAL
    tall in the distance. VALENTINO’S PIZZA and RUNZA HUT
    billboards pass by.

    INT. CAMPER – 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    MUSIC CONTINUES:   The boys watch excitedly as SIOUX LOOKOUT
    comes into view.

    EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    MUSIC CONTINUES:

    They turn down the road to the farm. Carson’s at the fence
    talking to Audrey Farley with her fine BARREL RACING HORSE.
    Billy stops.

    MUSIC DOWN:

                       CARSON
             Hey, how was Elvis?

                       WINIFRED
             He was great! He touched my hand.    I
             still haven’t washed it.

    Larry and Kit come out the trailer. Billy sees there’s clearly
    something blooming between Carson and Audrey.
!                                                              67


                      BILLY
            Looks like everything’s under control
            here Carson. Bet you could use the
            rest of the day off.

                      CARSON
            I still gotta take hay out to the
            pasture.

                      BILLY
            No, we’ll do it.   Won’t we boys?

                      LARRY
            We wanna go to Sioux Lookout.

                      BILLY
            Sioux Lookout?

                      KIT
            Carson said he’d take us if we caught
            him a snipe.

                      LARRY
            And we did! He’s in the barn.

                      BILLY
            Hear that Winnie-Fred?   We got a snipe
            in the barn.

    Carson’s attention is clearly on Audrey.

                      BILLY
            He can take ya’ tomorrow. We got work
            to do around here now. Life ain’t all
            vacations ya‘ know.

    The dejected boys load back in the trailer.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Larry and Kit load hay on the tractor cart. Billy drives
    towards the pasture with Kit and Larry in tow.
!                                                                 68


    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    The sun rises. Roosters CROW. Larry runs to the barn. He
    slops the hogs all by himself. He scoops poop from the pig pen,
    loads hay on the cart, and gathers eggs from under pecking
    CHICKENS.

    LATER:   Carson and Kit arrive.

                       CARSON
             What got into you, Speedy Gonzalez?

                       LARRY
             We gotta get up Sioux Lookout.   We got
             your snipe in the barn.

                       CARSON
             Well I can’t wait to see this.

    INT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    Carson, Larry, and Kit view the gopher in his makeshift cage.

                       CARSON
             Sorry, that ain’t no snipe.   It’s a
             gopher.

    Kit holds up the STUFFED SNIPE won at the shooting gallery.

                       KIT
             No, look! He’s’ just like this snipe
             we won at the fair!

                       CARSON
             No. That’s a gopher. And he’s got
             crude all over his fur. Where’d you
             get‘im?

                       LARRY
             Out in the bull pasture.

                       CARSON
             Well I’d say that’s a gopher covered in
             bull crap.

                       KIT
             What? You mean all that and we caught
             some crappy ol’ gopher?
!                                                                69


    The gopher CHITTERS in protest.

                      LARRY
            Sorry, buddy. We were lookin’ for a
            snipe.

    The gopher rolls his eyes at the silly gullible boys.

                      CARSON
            Okay. Tell ya’ what. You set this guy
            free and I’ll take ya’ to Sioux
            Lookout. Cain’t believe you actually
            caught the little feller.

    Larry lifts the cage.

                      LARRY
            Okay buddy. Go!    You’re free.

    The gopher runs and perches himself up on a high hay bale.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    Billy works on Bulldoggie as Carson’s truck pulls away. Kit and
    Larry are in the truck bed with their shovels.

    EXT. FARLEY FARM - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    Audrey Farley practices BARREL RACING on her horse. Carson
    pulls the truck over on the road and HONKS. She waves.

                      AUDREY
            Hey, time me!

    Audry takes off like lightning, racing around the barrels on her
    extremely talented horse.

    INT./EXT. CARSON’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING - CONT.

    Larry and Kit CHEER Audrey on.

                       CARSON
            Woohoo!   Look at her go!

    She streaks back and her cowboy hat flies off.   Carson jumps
    from the truck and runs to fetch it.
!                                                                70


                        LARRY
            Hey!    Come on. We gotta get goin’!

    Carson waves him off.    A beat, then...

                      KIT
            What the heck?

    Several cows walk up the road towards them.    We see more down in
    the ditch eating grass.

                      KIT
            Whose cows are those?

    Carson and Audrey come over to investigate.

                      CARSON
            Those are Billy’s! How’d they get out?
                 (to Kit)
            You take the truck up and get the
            ponies. We gotta round ‘em up.

                      AUDREY
                 (to Carson)
            Here, take my horse.

    INT./EXT. CARSON’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    Kit and Larry drive up the road. A fence gate lies open. Kit
    pulls over to investigate. Horseshoe prints are visible in the
    dirt.

                      LARRY
            Who opened this gate?

                       KIT
            Look!   Horseshoes.

    Kit and Larry jump in the truck bed and scan the pasture.    A
    horse and rider are visible off in the distance.

                      KIT
            It that Jesse Farley’s horse?

                      LARRY
            That snake! He did this!

    They close the gate and speed away down the road.
!                                                                 71


    EXT. PASTURE ROAD - 1972(DREAM) - NOON

    Kit and Larry ride Petunia and Johnny Rodgers up the road.        They
    herd several cows along with them.

    They arrive as Audrey and Carson put cows in the pasture and
    close the gate.

                      LARRY
            We saw Jesse out in the pasture.     He
            did this.

                       AUDREY
            Jesse?   No...

                      LARRY
            Yes! Just wait ‘til I get my hands on
            that varmint.

                       KIT
            There!   It’s him!

    Jesse is riding down in the ditch on his horse, sneaking home.
    Larry takes off on Johnny Rodgers. He leaps off Johnny and
    tackles Jesse into the ditch. They scuffle.

    Carson intervenes.     He hangs on to Larry as Audrey harnesses
    Jesse.

                      AUDREY
            What are you doin’ Jesse?!     You don’t
            let people’s cows out.

                      JESSE
            He rode my horse!

    Jesse breaks away.     Kit goes after him with Petunia.

                      LARRY
            Cattle rustler!

    Jesse starts to run.     Carson catches hold of him.

                      CARSON
            What’s the matter with you? You want
            me to let them pound your candy little
            behind?

    Audrey takes the reins of Jesse’s horse.     Jesse tries to mount.
!                                                                 72


                      AUDREY
            No, you ain’t ridin’ ‘im.     You’re
            walkin’. Let’s go.

    They leave.

                         CARSON
            Come on.     We gotta make sure we got ‘em
            all.

                      LARRY
            What about Sioux Lookout?

                      CARSON
            It’s gonna have to wait.

    LATER: Larry and Kit ride up the road. They find a cow grazing
    in the ditch. They take it back towards the gate. What a
    wasted day.

    INT./EXT.     BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Billy, Winifred, and Larry drive down the highway. Mighty
    Mite’s in the truck bed and Bulldoggie’s towed on a trailer.

                      BILLY
            Hey! Who cut the cheese?
                 (beat)
            Laaarry?!

    Guilty look from Larry.

    They pass SIOUX LOOKOUT.     Larry peers longingly through the back
    window.

                      BILLY
            What’s the matter?     Didn’t ya’ find any
            Indians yesterday?

                      LARRY
            We didn’t getta go ‘cause the cows got
            out.

                      BILLY
            Well it‘ll still be there tomorrow.

    Sad SIGH from Larry.
!                                                              73


                       WINIFRED
             Don’t ya’ wanna do the tractor pull
             today? It’s gonna be fun. You get to
             drive Mighty Mite.

                       BILLY
             Yeah. And if we win we’ll have enough
             cash to go to Vegas.

                       WINIFRED
             And see Elvis?

                        BILLY
             You bet.

                       LARRY
             Are you gonna kiss Elvis?

                       WINIFRED
             I’m gonna try!

                       LARRY
             I think Carson’s kissin’ Audrey Farley.

                       BILLY
                  (mock shock)
             No! People kissin’ each other right and
             left? Doggies! What’s this world
             comin’ to?

    EXT. OGALLALA FAIRGROUNDS - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “A Little Less Conversation”

    MONTAGE of tractor pulling. Bulldoggie stops three quarters of
    the way down the track. A beefy tractor beats that mark. Billy
    shakes the winner’s hand and admires his tractor.

    A souped-up garden tractor, UNDERDOG, pulls a little sled all
    they way down the track. He’s shiny and spiffy compared to
    Mighty Mite.

    Larry pulls with Mighty Mite, but breaks down with big puff of
    smoke half way down the track. Billy runs out to push the dead
    Mighty Mite away.
!                                                                    74


    INT./EXT.   BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    MUSIC CONTINUES:   They drive home.    Their look says “we lost”.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    MUSIC CONTINUES: The sun rises. Roosters CROW. Larry runs to
    the barn, slops the hogs, scoops poop in the pig pen, and
    gathers eggs.

    INT./EXT. CARSON’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Carson drives down the gravel road.      Kit and
    Larry ride in the bed of the truck with shovels.

    EXT. FARLEY FARM - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING - CONT.

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Carson pulls the truck over and HONKS. Audrey
    gets in. As they pull away we see unhappy Jesse scooping horse
    poop into a big pile.

    EXT. SIOUX LOOKOUT - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Carson parks. Larry and Kit jump out with
    their shovels. Carson and Audrey stay put.

    HILLSIDE:   Larry and Kit struggle up the Nebraska sand hill.

    HILLTOP: Larry and Kit arrive at the TALL INDIAN STATUE atop
    Sioux Lookout. We can see all the way up and down the wide
    Platte Valley. They start digging.

    LATER: They sit exhausted by a big pile of dirt.      They head
    away downhearted.

    PARKING AREA:

    Larry and Kit approach the truck.     Carson and Audrey smooch
    inside.

                      LARRY
            Great. All that diggin’ and all we
            find are them two doin’ the hoochy-
            koochy.
!                                                                 75


    INT./EXT. CARSON’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - LATE MORNING

    As they pull away, Sioux Lookout, the last great hope, fades in
    the distance.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING

    Billy works on Mighty Mite. He’s spiffed up now with “Mighty
    Mite” with fire cracker explosions painted on his side. Billy
    starts him up. He runs smooth. Billy drives Mighty Mite
    around, popping a wheelie or two.

    INT. BILLY’S FARM - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING - CONT.

    Larry watches DAVEY CROCKETT on TV. The picture quality goes
    bad. He jumps up and adjusts the rabbit ears. We HEAR Mighty
    Mite outside. Larry drops everything and runs out the door.

    EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - MORNING - CONT.

    Billy brings Mighty Mite back to the barn fast.     He hits the
    brakes and skids in. Larry runs to meet him.

                      BILLY
            What do ya’ think?   All he needed was a
            little goosin’ up.   Now he’s a real
            Mighty Mite.

                      LARRY
            Can I drive him!

                      BILLY
            Sure, but take it slow ‘til you get the
            feel a’ him.

    Larry drives around.

                      LARRY
            I’m gonna go get Kit!

                      BILLY
            Okay, but stay on the side a’ the road
            or that Deputy will have you in
            handcuffs for sure.
!                                                            76


    EXT. COUNTRY ROADS - 1972(DREAM) - DAY

    Larry drives Mighty Mite down the gravel road. He goes by a
    “PRAIRIE CABLE TELEVISION” truck parked with a giant spool of
    cable. A CABLE-TV-GUY works at a telephone pole. Larry climbs
    off Mighty Mite.

                      LARRY
            What ya’ doin’?

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            Puttin’ in cable up to Billy’s farm.

                      LARRY
            Ya’ mean for the TV?

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            Yeah.

                      LARRY
            And we’re gonna get six channels?

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            Yes siree. And by the end ‘a the year
            there’ll be seven.

                      LARRY
            Seven?!

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            Yeah, got somethin’ new comin’ ‘in
            called HBO. But ya’ gotta pay extra
            for it, so I don’t think it’s gonna
            last. No one will do that.

    Cable-TV-guy grabs the cable.

                      LARRY
            What’s that?

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            It’s the cable. Wanna help?

                      LARRY
            Yeah!

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            Okay, take it and pull it on down to
            the post there.
!                                                                 77


    Larry grabs the cable and unspools it.

                      CABLE-TV-GUY
            That’s right. Think you’re gonna make
            a great cable guy someday.

    Cable-TV-guy earnestly holds up a piece of cable...

                      CABLE-TV-GUY (CONT’D)
            This is the future.

    Larry contemplates this wisdom, then climbs on Mighty Mite and
    drives away.

    LATER: Larry and Kit drive the tractor down the road. Mighty
    Mite sputters and conks out. They try pushing the dead tractor,
    but it’s too heavy. They leave it behind, sadly walking up the
    road towards the farm.

    INT./EXT. BILLY’S BARN - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Larry and Kit enter.    We HEAR the gopher CHITTERING in alarm in
    the HAYLOFT.

                      LARRY
            Is that Buddy?

    The gopher zooms down the wall to Larry and Kit.     He points up
    urgently to the hayloft.

                      LARRY
            What’s wrong Buddy?

    The gopher zooms back up the wall. Larry and Kit go up the
    ladder. We see the box lying open. Buddy points at the hay
    bales. We see Jesse Farley hiding.

                       LARRY
            Fartley!   What the?   You snivelin’
            weasel!

    Jesse tries to run.    Larry tackles him.   They wrestle.

                      KIT
            Get ‘im Larry!    Smash ‘im!

    They roll over the edge and land in the hay stack below.     Jesse
    runs out the door. We see him gallop away on his horse.
!                                                             78


    MOMENTS LATER:  Larry and Kit sit silently in the HAYLOFT with
    the box. Buddy sits on a hay bale watching. Billy walks in
    below. He calls up.

                       BILLY
            Larry?   Was that Jesse Farley ridin’
            away?

                      LARRY
            Yes, he was trying to steal our box.

                        BILLY
            What box?

                      LARRY
            Buffalo Bill’s box.

                      BILLY
            Buffalo Bill’s what?

    Billy climbs the ladder to the loft.

                      LARRY
            His cigar box. We found it in the old
            barn.

    Billy looks over the box.

                      BILLY
            You found this in Grandpa’s old barn?

                      LARRY
            Yes. And it had this treasure map in
            it. We’ve been lookin’ everywhere, but
            we cain’t find it.

                      KIT
            That’s why we went to Fort McPherson.

                      LARRY
            And Scouts Rest Ranch.

                      KIT
            And Sioux Lookout.

    Billy ponders the map long and hard.
!                                                                 79


                      BILLY
            Well I’ll be, boys. I think I know
            what this is. Grandma used to talk
            about it. Larry, you go on down and
            get Mighty Mite loaded in the truck.
            We’re goin’ on a little trip.

                      LARRY
            Mighty Mite’s out on the road.    He
            conked out.

                      BILLY
            Well did ya’ put gas in ‘im?

                      LARRY
            No.

                      BILLY
            Well I bet that’s all he needs.    Now,
            go get ‘im. And hurry. We got
            somethin’ we need to do.

    Buddy dances around and does a triumphant little fist pump.

    INT. BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Billy, Winifred, and Larry drive down I-80. Mighty Mite is in
    the truck bed. They exit at a SIGN: “Julesberg”

    EXT. JULESBERG PHILLIPS 66 STATION - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Billy gases up the truck.

                      BILLY
            Forty two cents a gallon.   Talk about
            highway robbery.

    EXT. JULESBERG TASTY FREEZE - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    Billy and Winifred carry take-out baskets of food.   A SIGN at
    the window says: “Rocky Mountain Oysters $1”.

    They sit by the Julesberg Pony Express statue and eat. The
    fried food is something round. Larry’s chowing down fast.

                      LARRY
            Is this chicken?
!                                                       80


                      BILLY
            No, just tastes like chicken.

                      LARRY
            What is it?

                         BILLY
            Eat it.     It’ll put hair on your chest.

                      LARRY
            Is it beef?

                      BILLY
            Yep, it’s beef.

                      WINIFRED
            They’re called Rocky Mountain Oysters.

                     LARRY
            Oysters!? I don’t like oysters.

                      WINIFRED
            They just call ‘em oysters.     They’re
            nuts.

                         LARRY
            Nuts?     Thought they were beef.

                        BILLY
            They are.

    Larry holds a big round delicacy up on his fork.

                      LARRY
            Are they meatballs?

                      BILLY
            Yep, they’re meatballs.

    Larry devours his last round delicacy.

                      LARRY
            Sure are good.

    Billy devours his last delicacy.

                     BILLY
            Yep. And they’ll make ya’ big and
            strong.  We’re gonna need it.
!                                                                81


    INT./EXT. BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - AFTERNOON

    They drive down I-80. The tall buildings of downtown Denver
    pass by. They turn at a SIGN: “Lookout Mountain - Buffalo Bill
    Grave”

    EXT. LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN - DENVER - 1972(DREAM) - EVENING

    PARKING AREA:    Billy, Winifred, and Larry walk to Buffalo Bill’s
    grave.

    BUFFALO BILL’S GRAVE: The grave is surrounded by a wrought iron
    fence and covered by cemented rock. The Great Plains stretch
    far and wide below. Billy, Winifred, and Larry examine the
    scene and consult their map.

    HILLSIDE: They climb up a hill and come to the tallest Rocky
    Mountain pine around.   A GOLDEN EAGLE soars in the sky. It
    settles into a NEST atop the tree.

                      BILLY
            A golden eagle.

                      WINIFRED
            In a tall tree.

    TREASURE SITE:    Larry counts steps.

                      LARRY
            ... ninety-nine, two hundred.

    We see a flat spot surrounded by half buried boulders.

                      BILLY
            This is it. Let’s get the shovels.

    PARKING AREA: They arrive at the truck.     The sun is setting.   A
    GROUNDS KEEPER comes towards them.

                      GROUNDS KEEPER
            Sorry folks, but you’re gonna have to
            leave. We’re closing early for a
            special event tonight.

                      WINIFRED
            But we haven’t seen everything yet.
!                                                               82


                      GROUNDS KEEPER
            You can have another ten minutes, but
            then you’ll have to go.

    The Grounds Keeper leaves. Billy gets in the truck and backs it
    up, hiding it behind a building.

                      BILLY
            There, he ain’t kickin’ us out. We got
            work to do. Winifred, you stay here
            and keep watch. Come on Larry. We’re
            losin’ daylight.

    Billy and Larry take shovels and head down the hill.

    TREASURE SITE: They dig and hit something. Billy pulls an old
    rusted branding iron with circle B’s from the dirt.

                      LARRY
            A brandin’ iron!    Is it the treasure?

                        BILLY
            Nope.    Keep diggin’.

    They dig and hit something hard. They scrape away dirt to
    reveal the top of a big wooden crate.

                      BILLY
            Larry, go on up and get Mighty Mite.
            Bring him down.

    PARKING AREA: Larry arrives. It’s near dark now. Two
    CADILLACS pull into the parking lot. ELVIS and his Memphis
    Mafia step out. Elvis wears one of his signature capes. He has
    on a BLUE FELT COWBOY HAT and big 70s Elvis sunglasses. We see
    only a silhouette, but it’s enough to know it’s him.

                       LARRY
            Elvis?

    Larry runs toward Elvis.    Memphis Guy stops him.

                      MEMPHIS GUY
            Hey. We’re supposed to have this place
            to ourselves.

                       LARRY
            It’s me.   Larry.   From Omaha.
!                                                             83


                      MEMPHIS GUY
            Larry! Why that is you. You know
            Elvis has been talkin’ about Buffalo
            Bill all week ‘cause of you. We have a
            show in Denver and Elvis just had to
            come see Buffalo Bill while we were
            here.

                      LARRY
            We’re diggin’ for the treasure, right
            now!

                      MEMPHIS GUY
            The treasure?

                      LARRY
            The one my great Grandpa buried here
            when he went to Buffalo Bill’s funeral.

                      MEMPHIS GUY
            Your great Grandpa?

                      LARRY
            Yeah! Billy says Grandpa was gonna
            come back for it, but he got sick and
            passed away. And the map’s been lost
            ever since... ‘til I found it.

    Larry turns and runs towards Elvis. Elvis kneels and talks with
    Larry. We watch from a distance, not hearing what they say.
    Elvis and Larry head towards the truck. As they arrive...

                      WINIFRED
            Elvis?

    Larry climbs on Mighty Mite. He fires up the tractor and backs
    it off the truck. The Grounds Keeper comes running.

                      GROUNDS KEEPER
            Hey, you were supposed to be outta
            here. I’m sorry Elvis.
                 (to Larry)
            What are you doin’ with that tractor?

                      ELVIS
            It’s all right. I asked him to bring
            it. I’m thinkin’ a buyin’ it. We’re
            gonna drive it a little now. You go on
            up and make sure no one else comes in.
!                                                                 84


                      GROUNDS KEEPER
            Okay Elvis. No problem.

    Grounds Keeper heads away.   Elvis climbs on Mighty Might.

                      LARRY
            Come on Elvis. This way!

    Elvis heads down the hill on Mighty Mite with Larry leading the
    way.

    TREASURE SITE:

    Billy has a big wooden crate dug up. He hitches it to Mighty
    Mite. Elvis drives up the hill with the big crate in tow. It’s
    tough, but Mighty Mite muscles his way up the hill. And Elvis
    is loving it.

    PARKING AREA:

    They pry open the box and we see a handsome saddle, high boots,
    a big hat box, and a small elegant box. Larry opens the small
    box to reveal BUFFALO BILL’S CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR. It’s
    bronze and star shaped. He hands it to Elvis.

    Elvis reads...

                      ELVIS
            From the Congress to William F. Cody,
            Guide, for gallantry at Platte River
            Nebraska. April 26th, 1872.
                 (beat)
            That was a hundred years ago. This is
            a Congressional Medal of Honor.
            Buffalo Bill was a great man.

    Billy opens the hat box to reveal BUFFALO BILL’S BIG TEN GALLON
    HAT. There’s a note inside. Billy reads...

                      BILLY
            Bury my hat and boots at Scouts Rest
            Ranch, where I spent the best years of
            my life.

    Elvis removes his own Blue Felt hat and places it on Larry.
    Elvis then dons the Buffalo Bill hat.

                      ELVIS
            How do I look?
!                                                              85


                       WINIFRED
             Like a king.

    Elvis returns Buffalo Bill’s hat to its box and takes his Blue
    Felt hat off Larry. Memphis Guy comes and whispers in Elvis‘
    ear. Elvis turns to Billy.

                       ELVIS
             We have to go now, but I appreciate you
             letting me help. If you ever get to
             Memphis, look me up. I’ve got a nice
             place there. Tell ‘em the Buffalo
             Billies are here.

    Elvis heads away. We watch his gorgeous silhouette against the
    moonlight. Larry runs after him...

                        LARRY
             Elvis!   Wait!

    Larry talks to Elvis. Elvis walks back and softly gives
    Winifred a kiss on the lips. He pulls his silk SCARF from his
    neck and gives it to her. He heads away, pausing to put his
    Blue Felt Hat on Larry as he goes.

                       ELVIS
             There ya’ go cowboy.   Remember me.

    Elvis reaches Memphis Guy and says something to him. Memphis
    guy returns to Larry and hands him ten silver dollars.

                       MEMPHIS GUY
             Elvis wanted you to have these. Got
             ‘em fresh from the mint today. You
             take care now.

    MOMENTS LATER: Billy, Winifred, and Larry watch as Elvis climbs
    into a Cadillac. The cars pull away.

    MUSIC:   ELVIS “Good Luck Charm”

    Up in the night sky a SHOOTING STAR streaks. We hear a magical
    PING. Bessie the ghost cow jumps happily in the stars.
!                                                                     86


    INT. BILLY’S TRUCK - 1972(DREAM) - NIGHT

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Billy, Winifred, and Larry drive down the
    highway. Winifred has Elvis’ scarf around her neck. Larry
    leans sleepily against her arm. He begins to DOZE.

    !     !      !    !     !     !    !      !     !    FADE OUT OF DREAM:

    INT. BILLY’S FARM - LIVING ROOM - PRESENT - AFTERNOON

    (All PRESENT DAY scenes are older Billy, Winifred, Larry)

    The SOUND of BULLDOGGIE III firing up.         VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!

    FADE IN:

    Larry awakens.

                         LARRY
               Wha ... what?

    He takes the hat from his face.        Aunt Winifred sticks her head
    in from the kitchen.

                         WINIFRED
               You awake?

                         LARRY
               Yeah. And, boy... was I havin’ one
               heck of a dream.

                         WINIFRED
               We thought we’d let ya’ catch a wink.
               Billy’s out workin’ on Bulldoggie.

    Winifred spots the rubber dog poop on the floor.

                          WINIFRED
               Skeeter!   What did you do on my floor?

    Skeeter looks confused.      Larry laughs...

                         LARRY
               Go on, Skeeter, get it.

    Skeeter obeys, taking the rubber poop in his mouth.

                         WINIFRED
               Well don’t eat it!
!                                                               87


    Skeeter drops the rubber poop.   Winifred sees she’s been duped.

                      WINIFRED
            Why Larry! You scoundrel.

                      LARRY
            Now I don’t care who ya’ are, Aunt
            Winnie-Fred. That’s funny right there.

                      WINIFRED
            You go on out and see Billy’s new
            tractor. He’s a beauty. I got some
            jello I need to finish up in here.

    As Larry starts to get up he notices the blue felt hat. He
    examines it. Inside we see the label: “MEMPHIS HATS”. Larry
    spots the Antique Box sitting open on the table. He raises the
    tray. We see the silver flask. He opens and sniffs.

                      LARRY
            Whew, that is nasty.

    Larry opens the bottom drawer of the box. We see ten silver
    dollars, along with Elvis’ scarf, and one last shriveled cigar.
    A look of wonderment crosses Larry’s face. He calls out...

                      LARRY
            Aunt Winnie-Fred, I’m goin’ in to town
            for a minute. There’s somethin’ I
            wanna see. I’ll be right back.

    EXT. LARRY’S TRUCK - PRESENT - LATE DAY

    Larry drives down the road with Skeeter. We see Billy racing
    the massive BULLDOGGIE III down a nearby tractor trail. He’s a
    Pro-Stock class beauty now. Billy doffs his cowboy hat and
    waves at Larry. Larry yells out the window...

                      LARRY
            Git-R-Done!

    EXT. SCOUTS REST RANCH - PRESENT - LATE DAY

    Larry drives up with Skeeter. They walk to the old windmill. A
    big round cement SUNDIAL, not there in the 70s, sits beside it.
    The sundial arm is a circle B’s branding iron, topped by a
    bronzed Buffalo Bill cowboy hat. A bronze star, like the Medal
    of Honor, is in the middle.
!                                                                   88


    The engraved PLACARD reads: “This sundial given in honor of
    Buffalo Bill and the brave pioneers of Nebraska, by William and
    Winifred Whitney, August 1972”

    Larry looks up to the heavens.

    EXT. NEBRASKA SITES - PRESENT - DAY

    We fly up into the sky on a high-altitude tour of Nebraska. We
    see the North Platte water tower, Sioux Lookout, Chimney Rock,
    Courthouse Rock, Scottsbluff, then follow the Platte River back
    east across Nebraska, seeing the Great Platte River Road
    Archway, Nebraska State Capital building, Memorial Stadium, and
    finally the Pawnee City water tower.

    FADE TO NIGHT with the water tower illuminated.

    EXT. PAWNEE CITY - PRESENT - NIGHT - CONT.

    The water tower shines in the night.       Larry’s truck drives up
    where he left town earlier that day.       He’s now towing Mighty
    Mite on a trailer.

    Larry steps out the truck wearing Billy’s BUFFALO BILL JACKET
    and Elvis’ BLUE FELT COWBOY HAT. He puts a foot up on the
    trailer and gives Mighty Mite a thoughtful once over.

    A shooting star STREAKS the sky. Larry tosses his hat high in
    the air and Skeeter lets out a big WOOF. Bessie the ghost cow
    suddenly appears, catching the hat on her head. She winks.

    Larry looks slyly into camera...

                        LARRY
              Git-R-Done.

    MUSIC RISES:    ELVIS “Memories”

    !     !     !     !    !    !      !   !      !    FADE TO BLACK:

    MUSIC CONTINUES: Credits role with inset of ELVIS ’68 footage
    singing “Memories”.

				
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