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					     2011
Joke Collection




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     4/29/2011
                                                     Little Johnny Boy




               A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying.
                                      “Everyone who thinks you‟re stupid, stand up!”.
                                         After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up.
                               The teacher said, “Do you think you‟re stupid, Little Johnny?”
                              “No, ma‟am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

                                                   Because of absence




                                    Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
                                                Junior: Because of absence.
                                   Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
                                       Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

                                              Stone and Stone - Breaker




  A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began:
“My name is Stone, and I‟m even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there‟ll be trouble. Don‟t try any tricks with me, and
                                               then we‟ll get on well together.”
Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,”
                                            he said, and don‟t forget to call me "sir".
 Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained last one. This man remained silent, and so
    Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I‟ll ask you again: What‟s your name, soldier?”
                                     The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied.
                                      “My name‟s Stone-breaker, sir”, he said nervously.



                                                             Lucy




 A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One
evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First, she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and
            butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
  Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "when I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either
                            bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam."
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren‟t you pleased that you‟ve
                                                     come to live with us now?"

                                                       Handwriting




                        Sir” hissed the lawyer, “do you swear this is not your signature?”
                                                       “Yes.”
                                           “Is it not your handwriting?”
                                                       “Nope”
            “You take your solemn oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single particular?”
                                                          “Yes”
                                     “How can you be certain?”, demanded the lawyer.
                                            “I can‟t write,” smiled the man.

                                                        Radio Broken




   A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”
 The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a
                                                               hailstorm.
                                             “This Indian is incredible,” said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn‟t
                                      show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
     “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I‟m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
                           The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don‟t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

                                                            Elevator




 A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls
                                           that could move apart, and back together again.
                                          The boy asked his father, “ What is this father?”
                                        The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,
                            “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don‟t know what it is.”
  While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the
 moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.
  The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the
 circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde
                                               steeped out… The father said to his son,
                                                       “Go get your mother!!!”
                                               FRIEND FOR DINNER




                      *"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
 **"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a
                                                       fancy meal!"
                                            ***"I know all that." *********
                               ** "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" ******
                              ** "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

                                          HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?




                A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.
                               "Certainly, sir," replied the assistant. "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"
                                                      "Anything," said the man.
                                                        "And in what colour?"
                                                          "It doesn't matter."
                                                                "Size?"
                                                             "Immaterial."
Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to
                                                      the shop and exchange it.
                               "Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him.
                                      "Oh no," said the man. "That would be too impersonal."
                                                      RELATIVES ?
                             A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules
                                  and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
                                             "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

                                    I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT …
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl
                                              necklace for Valentine's day.
                                              What do you think it means?"
                                             "You'll know tonight." he said.
 That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book
                                           entitled "The meaning of dreams".

                                                        FORGET IT
                                "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
                        "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
                                                 "But what if my wife finds out?"
                           "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
                       So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
                                  "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

                                                             TAXES
 A visitorfrom Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
                                                       Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said."We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we
                                                          pay them."
                            "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

                                          Which type of traveler are you?
                                                    Backpacker or Flashpacker or LIP



              Below is the difference between backpacker, flashpacker & LIP ( Location Independent Professional)
       . The last one seems to be a dream choice for some of Việt Đu 's members who want to be "global citizen", isn't it?

                                                         Accommodation

                                    Backpacker: Aims to stay in the cheapest place possible
                       Flashpacker: Doesn‟t mind paying a bit extra for additional comfort & amenities
       LIP: Aims to negotiate a better rate for a longer term stay that has all the additional comfort & amenities required.

                                                                Food


  Backpacker: Will eat anything even if they don‟t like it, as long as it‟s extremely cheap or even better, free. Often happy to
                                            forego food if it means more beer/booze.
  Flashpacker: Can afford to eat at the recommended cafes, bars & restaurants in their guidebook and enjoy the finer wines &
                                                      dining experiences.
                             LIP: Has the time to get to know the best local places to eat & shop.

                                                            Enjoyment

  Backpacker: Will save up & designate ‟special‟ activities with their budget perhaps missing out on some of the better/lesser
known ones because they‟ve planned what & how they‟ll spend their money already & don‟t have enough to do anything extra.
 Flashpacker: Will do everything & anything that‟s recommended because this is after all, a „once in a lifetime‟ trip and if they
                                              don‟t do it now, they never will.
          LIP: Quite happy to miss some things out because they know that they can come back whenever they want to.

                                                              Travel

Backpacker: Will go round the houses if necessary and fly from the UK to Asia via South America with 10 changes & layovers if
                                       it means getting the absolute cheapest flight possible.
Flashpacker: Will book a RTW ticket that stops in all the places they want to and none of the ones they don‟t. They have to make
                  the most of their time off & not waste precious time on long layovers and unnecessary stops.
 LIP: Will book multi-leg trips on the same continent with changeable dates and won‟t mind if their route requires the additional
                                  inconvenient layover every now & then. They‟re in no hurry.

                                                              Work

        Backpacker: Always looking to pick up the odd job as they travel to supplement their budget & buy more beer.
Flashpacker: Will have worked hard before they left (or will have to work hard after they get back) to provide for their (generous)
                            travel budget which means they don‟t need to work whilst they travel.
         LIP: Generates enough income on a regular basis whilst they travel via multiple streams of passive & active income.



                                         Good News & Bad News
                              A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
                      The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
                            The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

                  The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
             The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
                 The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


                                                     The perfect son
                                                A: I have the perfect son.
                                                   B: Does he smoke?
                                                    A: No, he doesn't.

                                         B: Does he drink whiskey?
                                              A: No, he doesn't.
                                     B: Does he ever come home late?
                                              A: No, he doesn't.
                        B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
                               A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.