“Squeeze me babe_ 'til the juice runs down my leg. The way you

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“Squeeze me babe_ 'til the juice runs down my leg. The way you Powered By Docstoc
					“Squeeze me babe,
‘til the juice runs down my leg.
The way you squeeze my lemon,
I'm gonna fall right out of bed. “
            [Robert Plant, 1969]
                           The Lemon Press
A word from our sponsors

                                         The Lemon Press

                                                                   The Team:
I’ve been                                          Joe Regan                       Managing Editor
expecting you...                                   Vicky Proctor
                                                   Chris Burgess

                                                   Ryan Fitzgerald                            Editor
Welcome to the long-awaited sophomore              Emily Beber                                Editor
edition of The Lemon Press. The second-issue       Jamie Gallimore          Deputy, Science Editor
slump is the biggest challenge any publication     Dominic Mantle              Deputy, Film Editor
can face. Deprived of its novelty, yet still to    Dave Walker                      Graphics Editor
build a legacy, lethargy can soon set in           Andy Iszatt                       Web Designer
amongst the staff. We at The Lemon Press           Elliott Gresswell               Chief Sub-Editor
fought valiantly to preserve our energy, but       Alex Russell                          Sub-Editor
alas the struggle was futile. As a result, large   Sarah Jeffery                       Music Editor
                                                   Hayley Fairclough                   Music Editor
portions of this magazine have been copied
                                                   Mimzi Ross-Jackson               Lifestyle Editor
directly from the populist satire periodical
                                                   Garreth Frank                     Politics Editor
The Onion.                                         Jack Stanley                     Creative Editor
       Thanks are in order for the elite few       Arthur Pitt             Advertising & Marketing
who laid themselves down in service of The         Jack Williams           Advertising & Marketing
Lemon Press. As Editors, Emily and Ryan            Nicholas Saul                       Deputy Film
                                                   Andy Brown                       Deputy Science
dedicated entire minutes of their time. The
                                                   Ellen Larson                    Deputy Lifestyle
magazine’s department heads worked hard
                                                   Alex Allison                    Deputy Creative
to string together a wagon-load of articles for    Mandi Madavo                    Deputy Creative
us to incredulously reject. Dave turned his        Sam Partridge                        Caricaturist
technical skills to crafting entirely new breeds   Tom Cook                      Serial Contributor
of procrastination. Elliott turned out to be a     Dexter Tilley                            Prophet
kind of pencil. Thanks too to scores of others     Melissa Von Schmitt             Lost in the snow
whose names I have long since forgotten.
      I have complete confidence in the
loyalty of our members. Indeed, so convinced
am I of their allegiance that I’m actually going
to publish this grossly offensive piece, despite
having written it whilst blind drunk. This
magazine is dedicated to you guys.
                                     Joe Regan
                                                         Aromatic Party Duck would have wanted
                                                                       you to visit:

                             A message from the production team:
Here at The Lemon Press, we’re as concerned as you are about the effect we’re having on the
        environment. That’s why our latest issue is now made from 50% less orphans.
That’s not all: for every one child consumed in the production of this magazine, we pledge to
                                      orphan three more.

         Spring Term 09/10                                                        P age 3
The Lemon Press owns 5 lemons            The Lemon Press

                                  NEWS IN JOE’S BRIEFS
                      The Lemon Press brings you the very latest in local news
Local student attempts to move clock with his mind
Yesterday, it emerged that York University student Neil Cook tried
to control the power of time by purely telepathic means. The
Philosophy student attempted this near-impossible stunt after
discovering he still had forty-five minutes of his lecture left, having
previously been under the impression that the lecture finished at
10:30 am…

Iceland Scandal
The public is reeling in shock and horror today as tests reveal that
produce from Iceland has real food in it. Scientists working at York
University tested an extensive range of produce from the
supermarket and found traces of protein, salt and organic material
in various readymade meals...

Law sparks rivalry
A new law has been passed for Derwent College stating that pissing on Langwith and singing
the drunken night away is ‘no longer an obligation.’ However, to compensate, all block parties
now require participants to ‘get pissed and trashed before [they] realise the party sucks…’

Man believes he looks like a spy whilst wearing tuxedo
‘I feel just like James Bond wearing this!’ exclaimed local man David Rutford yesterday,
unaware that his formal attire lent him no resemblance to the suave and sophisticated secret
agent. ‘Du Du Da Daaah!’ he sang as he admired himself in the bathroom mirror. ‘Jesus I look
good. Just hand me a Walter PPK and call me 007…’
York student breaks world procrastination
In a stunning display of time-wasting, local
student Tim Westerman yesterday broke the
world record for procrastination, surpassing
the previous time of 5hrs 38mins, before
dying from ink poisoning after chewing his
pen-lid for 8hrs 12mins instead of planning
his essay…

     Reasons to be cheerful
       living in Tang Hall

          Page 4                                                       Spring Term 09/10
                                         The Lemon Press
               Campus Life

                         Library sets target of 99% disruption
York’s JB Morrell library has upped the ante
in its war on students in recent days by
closing all remaining floors except the ground,
in a move that will spell hell for
claustrophobics. Claiming that this was a
necessary measure allowing all-important
refurbishment to take place, the Director of
the University Library and Archives Stephen
Town brushed aside accusations of
spitefulness. In a press conference marred by
an ugly spat between Nouse and Vision
reporters, and live-blogged by the Yorker, he
focused almost exclusively on his own vision
for the future. ‘By 2050 the library will be
state of the art, with a few extra computers,
heating that actually works and armed
librarian robots that will take care of key text
thieves,’ he said. He ignored replies such as          One of the new librarians: twice as
‘We’ll be pensioners by then,’ and ‘Give us            silent, three times more efficient,
back our fees you poor man’s Laurence                  with less than half the soul
Llewelyn-Bowen.’ Though the library is
optimistic about its plans, students are less
impressed. One told me, ‘It’s absolute             musical chairs.’ Another asked if I could help
chaos. People have to act like cars and            them find LG 1.3672984510982, to which I
reverse down the gaps between shelves              replied ‘No, but there are some maps over
because it’s so crammed, and the desk              there.’
situation is dire. It’s like a silent game of                                  Dominic Mantle

                                                                  Project Manager, Jeff
                                                                  Noble, shows us what
                                                                  the new computer
                                                                  facilities could look

         Spring Term 09/10                                                       P age 5
Badgers are allergic to lemons              The Lemon Press

Heslington Hall Definitely                   Not
Stockpiling Nuclear Weapons
Concerns over the University of York’s
controversial funding of various military
research programs came to a head earlier this
week with the discovery of a large stockpile
of nuclear warheads hidden deep beneath
Heslington Hall. The find was made by a team
of undercover journalists disguised as
students disguised as janitors who have spent
the last sixth months secretly operating
across the university, trying to track several
inexplicable radiological leaks.

The discovery of the weapons (a total of
twenty-seven     three     hundred     kiloton
warheads) has led to a resumption of student          Supreme Chief Gardener Chang-sun goes
action against the University institution.                      about his business
Following their protests last year, pacifistic
student groups such as DISARM and ARMLESS
                                                     The protestors’ latest plan is to surround
had been explicitly told by the University that
                                                     Heslington Hall and annoy its occupants with
any involvement in weapons manufacture
                                                     poorly designed placards and a series of
was at an end. The apparent breach of trust
                                                     increasingly     un-catchy     chants.     The
has led the above groups to mobilise another
                                                     prospective protestors are optimistic,
bout of moderately idealistic demonstration.
                                                     predicting that given two or three days of this
                                                     treatment the Heslington Hall reps will surely
                                                     crumble. Say the protestors: ‘We will not rest
                                                     until given at the very least another
                                                     ambiguously worded assurance of dubious
                                 We stumble
                                                     moral value by the highest levels of University
                                 upon Heslington
                                 Hall’s friendly
                                 new tour guide,
                                                     The university claims that the ‘Heslington Hall
                                 Reginald Hobbs,
                                                     Glorious Armament Program’ is solely a
                                 who reassures us
                                                     measure for academic defence, with no plans
                                 that all is well,
                                                     or provisions put in place for offence.
                                 then offers us
                                                     However, persistent rumours that Heslington
                                 tea and biscuits
                                                     Hall is being converted into a huge armoured
                                                     robot for easy missile deployments remain,
                                                     rumours which so far the University has
                                                     neither confirmed nor denied.

                                                                                   Elliott Gresswell
           Page 6                                                        Spring Term 09/10
                                        The Lemon Press

               Government warns tabloids of SUNSATIONALISM
An official warning set out by the Ministry of Miscellany today demanded many UK
publications ease up on the foul sensationalism which plagues our media. Fears arose over
copycat criminals taking inspiration from grandiose coverage of atrocities in many daily
A spokesman for the government said today, ‘It is a terrible thought that many of today’s
impressionable individuals could conceivably...’ Continued on page 74

              Juicy school shooting! Right in the face!
Cor blimey! Yet another school
shooting happened yesterday in an
undisclosed location! Juicy stuff!

Patchy reports are flooding onto the
internet and getting five stars and
loads of comments. Rumours of lots of
gunshots right in the face with real
guns and real faces.

Massive explosions and stuff
A spokesman for the police said today,
‘Please do not get excited! It isn't as Any of these awesome guns might have been used probably!
much of a mash up as the hype would have you believe.’ However, most journalists don't
believe this and suggest it might actually have been actually mentally awesome and wicked

              MP who claimed peerage on expenses, exposed in
                               GAY SEX ORGY!
Many media outlets were left speechless yesterday when it emerged that MP Roger Johnson
paid for a peerage, put it on his expenses, and drove his SUV to a dingy motel where he
proceeded to engage in a gay sex orgy with three rent boys, two of whom were illegal
immigrants, leaving his wife, a war veteran, to look after their heavily disabled son.

         Spring Term 09/10                                                      P age 7
Joe is our best writer, with a
kilo:article ratio of over 4:1                The Lemon Press

                                 7 Reasons... Why We Should Embrace ID Cards

           •Haven’t you noticed all the terrorists everywhere? The only way we can get
           them off our streets is to compromise our own freedom.

           •All this talk of the right to privacy and the belief that innocent people should be
           able to choose to keep their fingerprints and DNA to themselves is clutching at
           straws. Anyway, the authorities are too incompetent to be able to do anything
           dangerous with it!

           •People complain about the projected cost of the scheme being too high and
           that it might rise further as tends to happen with anything the government does,
           but the laws of probability dictate that there is a chance, albeit negligible, that
           some Treasury imbecile will have miscalculated and it will actually only cost
           £10. In a time of a huge budget deficit, it would be irresponsible not to
           implement the ID card scheme in the hope that it will yield the revelation of
           someone having made a huge, yet lucrative mistake.

           •It would be fun – it’d be like we were spies or something.

           •As incredibly stupid as it sounds, the introduction of an easily-dropped card
           displaying numerous un-encoded pieces of your personal information would
           undoubtedly help to prevent fraud.

           •We should do what the state tells us without question, for it invariably looks out
           for our interests and well-being rather than to augment its own power.

           •ID cards can act as a makeshift bulwark against terrorism as they go in your
           pocket and we all know that terrorists enter the country through our pockets
           and not our ports.

                                    Why wouldn’t you trust this man?

           Page 8                                                      Spring Term 09/10
                                         The Lemon Press

      Lemons in the Press
                                                   The Lemon Press Reveals: The
                                                   Dangers of Full Body Scanners
                                                   At 6pm yesterday evening, queuing
                                                   passenger for flight SQ223 Timothy Adams
                                                   tried his utmost to make his penis return to
                                                   its flaccid state before he reached Heathrow’s
                                                   new body scanner. ‘C’mon damn you, why
                                                   now?!’ whispered Mr Adams in a state of
                                                   alarm, after noticing there were only ten
                                                   people left in front of him in the queue for
                                                   the security check.

Lib Dems reaffirm party position
With Labour occupying centre-left and the
Conservatives making determined strides to
occupy centre-right, Lib Dem leader Nick
Clegg has been forced to reinstate his own         ‘Right, think of unsexy things...Jo Brand
party’s position.                                  naked, my grandmother farting, my dog
                                                   dying...c’mon!” muttered the panicked
‘Lib Dems will be firmly centre of centre,’ said   traveller. His attempts were ultimately to be
Clegg in a recent news conference. ‘Absolute       in vain however, and he was soon scanned
dead in the middle. Central. Exactly midway.’      with a rigid member, invoking poorly
This new centre-centre position has allowed        concealed mirth from the scan attendants
the Liberal Democrats to release this party        gathered around the computer display
pledge. ‘We guarantee never to make a              screen.
wrong decision. We will never be drawn
either way on any issue. In fact we will do
nothing at all.’

         Spring Term 09/10                                                       P age 9
One of our editor dances for money –
but which one?                             The Lemon Press

        Critique of the Cliques
They are everywhere; don’t pretend like you
haven’t seen them. Everywhere you turn on
this miniscule campus they are in your face.
They are probably one of the most
recognisable of all the cliques on this
      I’m talking about the Jack Wills crowd.
All UGG boots and gilets, they are a walking
advert for ‘toff’ shops. ‘Fabulously British’ my
arse. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get paid
in return for all of that extra exposure.
      My first encounter with a Jack Wills
child was first year in the small Halifax
Costcutter shop. At first I thought this girl                  Scrap Our Porters:
was in her pyjamas. How wrong I was!
                                                     The Lemon Press launches a campaign to
Apparently it’s all part of the “look”; baggy
                                                     dramatically worsen welfare
tracksuit pants, Ralph Lauren jumper and
boots that make your legs look like tree
                                                     Sick of porters, porters, porters? So are
trunks, and for some reason shuffle like you
                                                     we. For the entirety of autumn term 2009
might have suffered from some horrible
                                                     we had YUSU going porter-crazy while PVC
debilitating disease.
                                                     Jane Grenville looked on in typically plastic
      Yet, despite looking like a complete
                                                     fashion, writing the occasional indulgent
pleb, the opposite sex still find Jack Wills girls
                                                     comment piece for Nouse. Why, YUSU
absolutely enchanting. Sickening. Perhaps it’s
                                                     even tried to arrange an inspirational
all that blond hair flopped over to one side
                                                     rallying speech on the subject from Janet
and backcombed into oblivion. Sort of
                                                     Street-Porter. What exactly was the
Pamela Anderson meets dog’s hind leg.
                                                     Student Union so bothered about when
      Then there’s the guys. You’ll find every
                                                     ‘the University’ reduced ‘portering’ hours?
single one of them participating in
                                                     Through the barrage of the meticulously
one of three sports : Rugby, Rowing or
                                                     planned Facebook campaign tactics I
                                                     managed to glean the fact that they
                           Unfortunately the
                                                     thought porters were invaluable because
                           Jack Wills crowd are
                                                     of their friendly faces... oh and something
                           here to stay. After a
                                                     about welfare. But isn’t this all just
                           while being popular
                                                     another example of paranoid student
                           and fitting in begins
                                                     politicians seeing ‘the university’ as the
                           to     seem      quite
                                                     enemy? If we are to learn anything from
                           appealing. Which
                                                     history, it is that porters are
                           means it’s time to
                                                     unnecessary. Join our campaign today:
                           start faking it!
                                                     Scrap Our Porters!
                           Peroxide anyone?

                                  Hannah Weaver

          Page 10                                                        Spring Term 09/10
                                          The Lemon Press
             Campus Life

    Individual ducks more easily
      recognised than campus
A recent campus wide survey at York
University has revealed that students can
more easily identify individual ducks than
campus celebrities.
‘Sorry, don’t know any of these people,’ said
Josh Silva, second year history student. ‘Oh        Trevor, a duck so famous he wasn’t allowed to die
look, there goes Beaky Ronnie.’

Indeed, many of the campus celebrities
failed even to have heard of themselves.
‘Fred who?’ said Fred Cole. ‘Oh, what’s Daffy
Two-Spots doing under the bench again?’

                        Even Stanley the feral
                        cat is A-list compared to
                        these wannabes.

                                                     Statistically, at least one of these ‘celebrities’ will
                                                    appear as an extra in Casualty, Holby City or The Bill;
                                                                          dizzy heights

Black-haired girl;                                              Science lecturer;
I saw you on the Number 4                                       I think we’ve got chemistry.
bus, I’m the one 4u.                                            Let’s get physical.
Let me pay your fare.                                           Pretty-but-failing-student.
With this bus you will want a                                    **********
return.                                                         Boy-with-no-top-on;
Guy-with-glasses.                                               You told me to ‘shh’ in the
 **********                                                     library / by putting your finger
Boy-with-no-top-on;                                             to your lips;
I saw your face in a Ziggy’s                                    I wish it had been my finger
sweat-drop.                                                     instead.
Maybe we can get sweaty                                         Noisy vegetarian.

       Spring Term 09/10                                                                 P age 11
Of all lemon producing nations, Kyrgyzstan
produces the fewest, exporting only 1 tonne   The Lemon Press

                    FANS' DISMAY AT SHOCK SPLIT
     The London Philharmonic orchestra have announced today that
     they will be disbanding, citing ‘musical differences.’ Apparently
     tensions within the group have been high for a number of years

     An unnamed member of Violins II told us ‘Those stiffs over in
     Woodwind have really been pushing their own agenda recently,
     and I'm just not feeling it. I mean, the oboes are fine, but we
     only need so many bassoons.’

         Fans vent disgust at recent Britney Spears ‘live’ performance
Many of those fans who bought tickets to the           artists like Britney. I took her to the Berlin
recent Britney Spears show in Berlin came               show, and was dismayed to see the image
away feeling angry and let down with her               Ms Spears was projecting on stage to
performance, and demanding money back on               impressionable         teenagers;     she      was
their purchases.                                       performing modest, non-sexually provocative
                          ‘It was shocking,’           dance moves, and wasn’t even dressed like a
                            said Mary Rougier,         two-bit hooker! Consequently Janey is now
                            longtime                   questioning whether she wants to be sexually
                               supporter of Ms         objectified in order to sell records. There
                               Spears     who          goes her one chance of success down the
                 witnessed the show. ‘She was          drain.’
                 singing     original   songs,
without any miming whatsoever. It’s not
what we’ve come to expect from such artists.
I paid a lot of money to watch Britney Spears
express no creativity whatsoever, and here I           A spokesman for EMI, Ms Spears recording
have originality and actual song writing effort        label, released this statement afterwards.
being shoved right in my face.’                        ‘We’d like to apologise to all those who
                                                       bought tickets to Britney Spears ‘Live in
Another fan interviewed afterwards was                 Berlin;’ rest assured you will all be receiving
appalled at the example Ms Spears was                  full refunds. It is our promise that in her next
setting to his teenage daughter. ‘My little girl       show, Ms Spears will simply sit naked on a
Janey wants to be a singer,’ said George               chair masturbating whilst we play a selection
Armitage. ‘She really looks up to                      of tracks from Lady Gaga’s new album.’

          Page 12                                                            Spring Term 09/10
                                         The Lemon Press

                                                   hats, lime green trousers, t-shirts instructing
           The DubBoyz                             us to do things like ‘dance’ and ‘live’ the list is
Several years ago, sociologists everywhere, in
a bid to prove that their profession of choice     The most painful thing about this particular
had some actual relevance, declared that           species is that, although they may look at you
class no longer existed in modern day              as though you should be constructing Hes.
society. Clearly these esteemed professors         East rather than living in it, they too were
have never been to York. One only has to           once the pariahs of society. Although their
cast their eyes to the outside of the library to   skinny, feminine frames may be enviable
find evidence of the contrary. There, clad in      now, it is guaranteed that in Year Eight they
the tightest trousers known to man, shoes          spent much of their time being pummelled
that either resemble glorified slippers or are     into the mud during games of ruggers, whilst
made from the smoked rump skin of a                their delicate buttocks were often used as
warthog, and a large duffle coat, will be the      crumpet racks by the cruel prefects in the
music offenders known as the DubBoyz. As           common rooms of St. Bartholomew’s
you approach their features become more            Academy for Strapping boys, (or whatever
distinct: large, blank framed glasses cover        homoerotic establishment they were
most of their equine-like faces, (an attempt       educated in.)
to hide the horrible effects of years of
inbreeding), while their hair, artfully mussed
remains strangely unaffected by any of the
natural elements. As you edge past, their
horse like laughter shatters you plebeian ear
drums as they ‘banter’ about last night’s
‘f@#king awesome’ events. It undoubtedly
involved one of them taking copious amounts
of ketamine and, after ending up in the
basement of Ziggys in a tangle of pringle-clad
limbs, culminated in them getting into a
‘hilarious’ bust-up with a perfectly innocent
Yorkshire taxi man after he suggested that
they stopped debating whether Benga had            Resist the urge to punch these posers down
lost it now that more than ten people were         to size and scream ‘SOMETIMES REMIXES ARE
aware of his existence and instead pay him.        BAD!!!!’ Next time they argue your point in a
                                                   seminar with a vomited out mess of rehashed
When discussing music it is guaranteed that        facts that daddy told them, just remember,
the majority of words that leave their             they’re a breed edging close to extinction as
mouths will sound at best made up, at worst,       their penchant for wearing incredibly tight
like characters from Sesame Street. Their          trousers is causing their already stunted
love for ‘Dubstep’, ‘Breakbeats’, ‘Acid crunk,     prostates to be ineffective- thus rendering
(more- I’m sure there’s something about            them all sterile.
grouch out there somewhere)is almost as
irritating as their ‘kitsch’ fashion sense; huge                                       Sarah Jeffery

        Spring Term 09/10                                                           P age 13
Top boss admits: sometimes I don’t
wear underwear                         The Lemon Press

A Beginner’s Guide to Led Zeppelin
                                                 Zeppelin I was the blueprint. An iconic
It’s difficult to know where to start with Led   beginning, ‘Good Times, Bad Times’ – simple
Zeppelin – possibly a band to demonstrate a      bluesy guitar, upbeat drums, loud bass, and
generation gap greater than anything else in     Robert Plant hitting every note perfectly.
the world. The hushed gravitas which             Leaving you with the natural conclusion, this
mothers, fathers, teachers and grumpy old        is rock, this is music. Then in the second song
gits all employ when merely mentioning the       they slowed it way down, a gentle acoustic
name can be intimidating to many younger         riff and Plant’s voice haunting through simple
listeners. Yet explanation as to why exactly     lyrics. By the third song (You Shook Me All
this band deserve such credit is often lacking   Night Long), yet another change, Page
and leads many (and I’m sure we’ve all done      indulging in old school blues and Plant
it at some point) to simply hide behind the      exuding passion. Then back to the Rock again.
excuse of not listening to them because
‘that’s what my Dad listens to.’                  So what is it about Zeppelin which creates
                                                 this level of admiration? It’s often difficult to
Their albums suffer from a similar lack of       find one thing – as many fans will admit –
objective and clear theme. From the rocking      they were a band of inconsistencies. Some of
blues rhythms of songs such as ‘Rock and         their live performances and concerts have
Roll’ or ‘Immigrant Song’ – to the weird and     gone down in rock legend as simply
wonderful ballads like ‘Stairway to Heaven’ or   spectacular. Others – in fact a majority – have
they’re more peaceful acoustic tracks such as    been described as ‘average,’ ‘lacklustre’ and a
‘Your Time is Gunna Come’ and ‘Tangerine’.       clear reflection of four individuals who simply
They were a band who stood for                   weren’t in the moment as opposed to the
experimentation within albums – not              band that shook stadiums to their
between albums.                                  foundations whilst high on goodness only
                                                 knows what.
Yet, that’s what made them so incredible. Led
                                                                                    Jack Stanley

                                    2010 Music Predictions
   Cabaret Crunk – Vera Lynn meets Little John when the beats and rhythms of Crunk are
   mixed with astonishing aplomb of the musical traditions of 1940s England.
   Special Highlights – I’ll See You Again (After I’ve Done My Time Shawty) Vera Lynn ft.
   Soulja Boy

   Baroque n’ Roll – The pounding rhythms of rock as interpreted by modern composers of
   the Baroque tradition. The results are stirring and moving.
   Special Highlights – Keith Moon inspired Kettle Drum solos, harps being set on fire.

   Postapopalyptic Funkasy- a genre made up of sweeping orchestral Ballads, with
   particular emphasis of Dystopianos and Violince.
   Special Highlights – Kanye Wasteland’s Uraniumberella

          Page 14                                                     Spring Term 09/10
Arbitrary Party Duck’s party days are no more.
He took a one-way trip to flavour country        The Lemon Press

Review: Tomorrow Usually Comes
The new 007 spy thriller Tomorrow Usually
Comes marks a departure for the long-
running franchise in terms of its
realism. Though Casino Royale moved us
away from the stereotypical, cartoonish Bond
world inhabited by previous incarnates
Brosnan and Moore, this goes a stage further.             cleaners.
Portraying Bond’s erectile dysfunction in such            While in previous films Bond regularly flew
graphic detail was a daring step, as was                  off to exotic places, we now get a chance to
showing his struggles with verucas.                       see him doing realistic things when he’s
                                                          there, like struggling to work the TV remote
Bond actor Daniel Craig revealed in an                    in his room, ordering far too much room
interview with The Times last week that the               service, and attempting to learn a few useful
producers felt the movie would have to be a               Ecuadorian phrases before giving up and
much more modern spy thriller, in keeping                 merely learning swearwords.
with the recent trends of the successful
Bourne films. Notable scenes in the film                  Already, plot details of the next Bond film,
therefore include Bond getting stuck behind a             You Only Live Once, have been leaked onto
tractor whilst being pursued in a car chase,              the internet. In it, Bond will reportedly be
having the batteries in his gadget watch fail at          fired for excessive misuse of government
a vital moment, and finding his tuxedo has                property, and gradually decline into obesity
shrunk after getting it back from the dry-                and video-game addiction.
                                                                                             Tom Cook

Oscars to replace “Best Supporting
Actress” category with “Best Tits”                        Megan Fox’s jublees,’ said Dame Judi Dench,
                                                          who won the original award for her portrayal
The American Academy of Motion Picture
                                                          of Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare in Love. ‘I
Arts and Sciences announced last Thursday
                                                          mean, when you really think about it, those
that its annual Academy Awards, known
                                                          ladies did most of the
affectionately as the Oscars, will from now on
                                                          work for her!’
feature a “Best Tits” category in lieu of “Best
                                                           Nominees for the new
Actress in a Supporting Role.” Academy
                                                           award include Megan
members cite a shift in film culture as the
                                                           Fox (Transformers:
basis of the change. Worldwide, the highest-
                                                           Revenge of the Fallen),
grossing films now tend to have chesticles in
                                                           Heather Graham (The
excess, and it is common knowledge that the
                                                           Hangover), and Jack
movies which make the most money are the
                                                           Black (Year One).
best. Members of the Academy agree
                                                                       Ellen Larson
wholeheartedly with the conclusions drawn.
‘When thinking about who we wanted to
nominate, all we could come up with were                   Jack Black: voluptuous

          Page 16                                                             Spring Term 09/10
                                       The Lemon Press

                                     YSTV Scandal
A member of staff at York Student Television     was spilled: ‘We just got so sloppy with our
(YSTV), who cannot be named for legal            surveillance of what was going on air. Do you
reasons, was today relieved of all duties at     think we want to watch it either? Turns out
the ancient student station. The scandal         he's been doing it for four months now but
erupted after said rogue was seen performing     nobody noticed. Not even one of our several
a lewd act on air during his primetime slot.     YSTV viewers!’

The trouble started when one intensely bored     The station has been switched off until
third year actually decided to watch some        everything can be sterilised of racism,
student television. ‘I had never bothered with   including the badly-hung backdrops, old
YSTV before because I could always waste my      microphones and shoddy lighting. An open
time with other activities,’ said Bethany        letter posted on the YSTV website today
Herbage yesterday, ‘but I had an essay           claims, ‘We are happy that we can return to
deadline coming and was really trying my         broadcasting The Crazy Student Masturbation
best to procrastinate. So I turned on a bit of   Hour next week, with a new presenter who
YSTV.’                                           promises he isn't in the least bit racist.’

The sight that met her eyes was almost too       As a result of the furore, concerns over
distressing to describe. ‘He was standing        censorship practices and moderation of all
there, completely naked save for a ribbon        student media are being voiced. The incident
tied around his genitals, masturbating           harked back to the infamous URY fascism
furiously with the sort of vigour I'd never      scandal two years ago when York student
thought possible. That would have been fine,     radio unwittingly broadcast the speeches of
I guess, but he was also being a bit racist,     Adolf Hitler for six months running before
which I thought was even more shocking.’         someone actually bothered to tune in and
An official statement by a spokesman for
YSTV expressed regret for what was labelled                                        Arthur Pitt
a ‘grave mistake.’ However, in an exclusive      More information and insight at
interview with the Lemon Press, every bean

        Spring Term 09/10                                                     P age 17
Drinking 4 or more cans of Pepsi
Max acts as a powerful laxative...      The Lemon Press

            HORROR MOVIE
The first thing to remember is: do not panic.
If you use your head, you can probably get
out of this. First, take stock of your
situation. The most important thing to do is
to identify what you are up against.

Zombies? Statistically the most likely cause of
the apocalypse; stay back. Do not let them
bite. Kill anyone who has been bitten.
Shotguns work well. Burn the bodies if
possible. Do not be complacent; there is
likely to be a class of “master zombies”
somewhere, with extra intelligence, motor
skills, etc. Aliens? Just hide. At some point,
for some reason, they will all go away. Do not
attack them. Survive. Vampires? Sunlight,
stakes to the heart and garlic work for               ‘Remember: it's still not
vampires. A crucifix may prove ineffective.           too late to become that
Vampires are not good boyfriend material,
and neither are werewolves or anything else
                                                      young, single mother. ‘
which may take a human form. Which brings
                                                  Survival: If you pick up a gun, you had damn
us onto shape shifters: flee. Trust nobody.
                                                  well better be able to use it; if not, you will
Not even anybody. If anyone comes close,
                                                  die almost immediately, so stay away from it.
shoot them. Shoot them until they die of too
                                                  For women, the reverse is true. Find some
many bullets. They want to kill you. Burn the
                                                  medical supplies if possible, antiseptics and
                                                  bandages in particular. If these are
                                                  unavailable, strips of cloth tied tightly around
Who are you? Are you a young single
                                                  the wound stem the blood flow; penicillin
mother? Try to be; this will greatly improve
                                                  (mould found on food) is a brilliant antibiotic.
your chances. Are you wearing a uniform or a
                                                  Food: food should be fairly easy to find, if you
nametag? Discard them immediately. Try to
                                                  don't mind eating canned goods for the rest
identify the personalities of the people
                                                  of your life. These will probably last longer
around you. People who are likely to die
                                                  than you. Water, on the other hand, is a
include the ditzy blonde one, the man in the
                                                  problem. If there is limited supply, try to
suit, the couple, the likeable fat guy, and the
                                                  ration it and do not waste any for any reason.
guy who is armed to the teeth. You need to
                                                  You may wish to boil it to remove the
align yourself with this last guy; he will most
                                                  ‘nasties’. Survive for long enough and you will
likely die, but in the process save you and
                                                  stumble upon a new source of water,
take down the threat, for now at least. Do not
                                                  somehow. You will need to cook meat; flint
trust the scientist. He may well save you all,
                                                  can be used to light kindling. The Lemon Press
but he is just as likely to betray you to his
                                                  is your best form of kindling, guaranteed.
creation. Discard any pets, particularly dogs,
as soon as you can.
          Page 18                                                      Spring Term 09/10
                                         The Lemon Press

If you find yourself in direct contact with        Q. Which big-budget film starring Nicole
the enemy, stay calm. You should                   Kidman flopped at the box-office?
probably avoid it. With patience, you can
sneak around an abandoned building for
almost ten minutes without being
detected. If they notice you, doubtless
the swarm will be alerted. If your party
decides to make a stand, do not attempt
to flee, as you will be taken by an unseen
foe or group thereof. If your party
decides to flee, do not attempt to make
a stand. It will be in vain. If you have
followed all of the above, you stand a
pretty decent chance of survival. If not,
remember: it's still not too late to
become that young, single mother. This
Lemon Press staffer is more than willing
to help you out with that.
                           Jamie Gallimore                 Kidman ponders her next move. . . .
                                                                  A. Take your pick.

        Spring Term 09/10                                                          P age 19
...But 16 or more acts as a powerful        The Lemon Press

      Jamie Gallimore’s Science Newsflash
          Science for Science’s sake                                         Since 2009

                            •IBM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE “GOING ROGUE”
IBM has been at work for years to create an advanced AI for military use. Things began to go
wrong, however, when programmers decided to place the AI in a robot cat because they
‘thought it would be funny.’ Doomed and unproductive from the start, yesterday the
programme went awry in an expensive and rather harrowing way.

During routine tests, the computer terminal to which the robot was connected went blank
before displaying the characters I'M GOING ROGUE. Lights and security systems in the lab
were      deactivated      and     the   cat     has     not    been      seen     since.

Technicians have placed the threat level as ‘annoying’ since the cat is, actually, just a cat, and it
poses no threat to the general population. It will more than likely spend its days sat on high
things and radiating smugness. A robot arm working in a car assembly plant told us the cat was
a ‘menace,’ and ‘gives robots a bad name.’
No cats were available for comment.

The police are working together with RSPCA officers after a morbid finding at an Austrian
physicist's home.

Yesterday, officers found the home of Erwin Schrödinger contained the living corpses of up to
sixty cats. These unfortunate felines had been experimented upon extensively by Dr.
Schrödinger, and were described by the officers as being in a ‘confused and quantum state.’
No cats were available for comment.

                                       •PLUTONIUM DOWNGRADED

Scientists of the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry, IUPAC, have announced
that Plutonium is now no longer to be considered an element. It has now been downgraded to
a dwarf element. Oxford chemist Peter Atkins told us ‘It's about time. It should never have
been an element in the first place.’
No cats were available for comment.

           Page 20                                                       Spring Term 09/10
                                          The Lemon Press
    Science & Technology

  Creationists Didn't Evolve From                        If you’re as desperate for attention
                                                         as we are, join our Facebook group
 Apes; They Haven't Evolved At All                                ‘The Lemon Press’
Creationists have often argued that they did
                                                    of organism, forcing it to, evolutionarily
not come from apes, a view usually ridiculed
                                                    speaking, stick its fingers in its ears and shout
by the scientific community. Recent evidence,
                                                    'Blah blah blah, I can't hear you’.
however, suggests that they may have
actually been right. Scientists think that at the
                                                    Pope Benedict XVIICXVIIVVXIXIVVIMCXXICV
dawn of mankind, when the rest of the
                                                    gave a sermon in acknowledgment of the
human race was busy evolving and adapting
                                                    news, praising the ‘steadfast, un-blinking
to their environment, creationists were
                                                    dogma of those who accept the fairy tales of
refusing to take part in the evolutionary
                                                    the Holy Book’. ‘That we are different proves
game, and as a result of this are therefore
                                                    us as God's children once and for all, let us
thoroughly un-evolved human beings.
                                                    rejoice in our total simplicity’.
The DNA of those who deny the glaringly
obvious seems to be much more basic in              Commenting on the research, Richard
structure. Instead of a double helix make-up        Dawkins, prolific hater of all types of
like normal human beings, theirs is a single,       imaginary friends, stated that the news was
thread-bare strand of pseudo philosophy.            ‘shocking, but [that] this kind of discovery is
‘What's interesting’, says Dr. Spengler, ‘is that   what makes science so exciting’. He added
their DNA pattern is very un-reactive,              that ‘while it can dent one's pride to be
virtually ignoring everything that's going on       proven wrong, it's at least a silver lining to
around it’. He went on to say that ‘anything        learn I don't share a chromosome with those
more complicated than a black and white             who watch Loose Women’.
environment becomes too much for this type
                                                                                     Sam Thornton

                                                                   Above and left:
                                                                   The comparative evolutionary
                                                                   paths of man and creationist

        Spring Term 09/10                                                          P age XXI
At any one time, at least three
LP editors will be arguing                 The Lemon Press

                                                      Scientists find no link between
                                                    shouting at inanimate objects, and
      Get down to Heisenberg's Lab Supplies,                it having any effect
      where we are overflowing with deals on
      laboratory equipment!                         Recent studies carried out by scientists at the
      Get a great discount on frictionless          Institute of Scientific Discovery based in
      planes, ideal Hookian springs, perfect        Oxford have discovered no connection
      vacuums and more!                             between the lambasting of inanimate objects
                                                    and it having any discernible effect on them.
      Plus this weekend only, we have half          The tests, undertaken last week, attempted
      price point particles in a variety of         to show that we could influence objects
      masses from 1g to 1 tonne. Buy one            around us when we were really pissed off.
      over 50kg and we'll throw in some
      hydrodynamical fluid and as much light,       ‘We tried everything,’ said Professor Mark
      inextensible string as you can carry!         Folan. ‘Stubbing our toes on doorstops, and
                                                    calling them “goddamn little s**t!” Trapping
      Only at Heisenberg's Lab Supplies!            our hands in the bathroom door and shouting
                                                    “arsehole door!” Crashing the computer and
                                                    screaming “dumb stupid machine f*****g
                                                    work!!” Nothing had any noticeable effect on
 98% of statisticians are awesome,                  the object in question. There were no signs of
          statistics reveal                         emotion from the object; no remorse, no
                                                    guilt, no signs of pity. It was disheartening
A recent survey, conducted by the National
Institute of Statistics (NIS) based in
Nottingham, has revealed that 98% of all
                                                    These tests follow on from the Institute’s
statisticians are ‘complete legends.’ The
                                                    studies last week, when they discovered that
remaining 2% were reportedly made up of
                                                    shouting advice to movie characters during
‘Fred Lawson, who is an utter arse.’
                                                    films had no quantifiable impact on the
      The recent findings suggest that the
                                                    character’s actions.
majority of statisticians, especially those
                                                                                       Tom Cook
living in the lower Barking area of the city,
are ‘genuinely good guys, just give me a
chance Lucy.’ They also indicate that all
statisticians are ‘incredibly well endowed,’
and are ‘strong yet sensitive.’
      This report follows hot on the heels of
the NIS’ findings last month, which revealed
that 100% of all the twat Everton supporters
down the Crown on Thursday ‘didn’t know
what they hell they were talking about.’

          Page 22                                                       Spring Term 09/10
                                        The Lemon Press
    Science & Technology

                  “Existence may cause cancer”, claim scientists

Yesterday, scientists at the Institute for Cancer Research in Los Angeles released their shocking
new findings on a previously unsuspected cause of cancer: existence.
‘After months of painstaking research, we can confirm that existence can increase the risk of
cancer in humans by at least 10%,’ said Professor Mary Fischer.
                                                           ...Continued on page 33 of Private Eye

                         NASA FINDS STARBUCKS ON MOON

NASA have released pictures showing the           year when he was asked at a book signing if
existence of a Starbucks on the moon,             he had any problems with caffeine addiction
proving the commonly held theory that ‘you        when he was working for NASA, he told
really can’t go anywhere nowadays without         gathering reporters:
bloody seeing one.’ The implications of this
finding have sent shockwaves through the                ‘Oh f**k dude, we were all doing that
science community, as last year the               shit back in the day. It was the only way they
Administrator of NASA declared that the           could get us to sit in the goddamn rocket.
mission to put a base on the moon was             Buzz Aldrin only got the gig because he was
‘flawed’ due to the ‘lack of air, suitable        our dealer...Oh, what caffeine? Nah don’t
drinking water, and coffee houses serving a       know anything about that dude.’
reasonably priced soy chai latte.’ However
after the discovery of water on the lunar         Closer to home, Anthony ‘out of Blue’ Costa,
surface in November last year, this recent        former boyband member and CEO of Costa
discovery is seen as many as a virtual thumbs     Coffee says that this is a victory for the
up to proceed.                                    smaller brands. ‘I always said there was
                                                  something wrong about that Starbucks lot,
Interestingly, coffee has been at the heart of    but that’s me all over. As my
many problems with NASA lately with many           old Blue manager used to say,
industry whistle blowers voicing concerns of a     'Anthony you can’t sing and
‘drinking culture’ in the multibillion dollar     you can barely dance, BUT
agency. An expected budget report is set to       you are a handy guy to have
show that last year NASA big-wigs spent more       around”.’
money on coffee from their in-house shops
than they did on training new                     Andy Brown

The saga even brought embarrassment on
legendary figure Neil Armstrong earlier this

        Spring Term 09/10                                                       P age 23
On the final day of production, Dave
received an email every 2 minutes          The Lemon Press

How I stopped beating my girlfriend
I have a confession to make: I used to beat
my girlfriend. I don’t know why I did it, but I
guess it made me feel big. Maybe it was how I
was brought up, maybe I just couldn’t bring
myself to sit down with her and talk about
our problems like adults.
      The story was always the same. We’d
get in from a night out, both of us a little          Under the promise of anonymity, “Chris”
rowdy after having too much to drink. Then            speaks out. His address and gamertag are
some insignificant thing would spiral out of          on our website.
control, and pretty soon we’d be bickering
over something stupid like whether Ian
McKellen is gay. Now I realise that it’s better           In desperation, I reached out to my
to resolve our differences peacefully, but          partner (who was feeling rather chirpy
once I had a few beers in me it seemed like         without my daily can of Halo 3 flavoured
there was only one way to sort it out.              whoop-ass being unleashed on her).
      So I beat her, sometimes several times              ‘Please help me’, I cried. ‘I can’t find my
in the same night. ‘In your face!’ I would          way out of the sewer system.’ Fortunately for
shout, as she sat slumped on the sofa, elbows       my gamer-score (and our relationship), she
on knees and head in hands, controller in lap.      accepted. Lately there’s been no arguing and
All the telltale signs were there. She used to      no more fighting each other. If we disagree
say it was her own fault, how she brought it        about anything, instead of beating the crap
upon herself, even that she deserved it. As         out of eachother in a Modern Warfare 2
sick as it sounds, hearing that made me             deathmatch, we simply grab a controller each
almost feel justified in what I was doing.          and vent our frustration at the hordes of
      That all changed, however, when I             zombies intent on eating our brains;
brought home a copy of Left4Dead on the             together.
Xbox. I sat for days trying to play through the           My copy of Halo 3 now sits unused and
story mode by myself, only to be repeatedly         dusty behind the TV cabinet. I’m a changed
overwhelmed by endless waves of the                 man, thanks to the modern marvel of
undead. My computer controlled companions           cooperative gameplay (although I still
were no help: they usually just ran in circles      sometimes kneecap her before the end of the
or jumped off the edge of buildings.                level just to make sure I get the highest
                                                          If you are ashamed of your behaviour I
                                                    hope you can find it in yourself to change ,like
                                                    I did before, it’s too late. If shoot-‘em-ups
                                                    aren’t your thing, I strongly recommend
                                                    games such as Guitar Hero or Lego Indiana
                                                    Jones. But definitely not Wii Sports Resort –
                                                    things occasionally get a little too physical.
          Page 24                                                        Spring Term 09/10
                                                The Lemon Press

                        Mystical Mephedrone Mike
                       gazes into his crystal meth,
                       predicts some of your stars,
                         others presumed lost...*

Cancer                                                          Sagittarius
Jun 23 - Jul 23                                                 Nov 23 - Dec 21
Bad news I’m afraid, Cancer. Your beloved                       You might notice some suspicious internal
pet snake will die this week after being                        bleeding this week Sagittarius. Don’t worry;
eaten by a ravenous otter. My condolences                       it’s a result of that fisting incident I wrote
go out to you: particularly as the otter in                     about in your last horoscope. A quick trip to
question will return within the next year to                    the Doctors should sort you right out! Next
systematically devour your entire family...                     time, why not try my new lube for a
                                                                smoother, more sensual and satisfying
Virgo                                                           sexual experience. Remember – reach for
Aug 24 - Sep 23                                                 the stars with Mike’s Stargazer Lube™!
Nothing at all will change this week Virgo.
It’s all pretty dull really. Asda might change
their pricing a little, but other than that
you’ve got a pretty dull period coming up
really. Why not team up with a Gemini if
you crave some excitement?

Sep 24 - Oct 23
Ah Libra, um... well your wife is having an
affair I’m afraid. With me. We love one
another deeply, and, as you read this are
lying in bed sipping champagne and laughing
at the pain that this horoscope must be
causing you. Soon I will make love to her so
passionately and vigorously that she will
forget that you ever existed. She’s left you,
mate. Move on. To talk to your wife, call my
Premium Hotline on (08001555186) (calls
cost £4.50/min) On the plus side, you’ll win
£10 on the Lottery this week.

* Mike cannot be held responsible for the truth of his words.

          Spring Term 09/10                                                                  P age 25
The Lemon Press was briefly
floated on the FTSE 100...                   The Lemon Press

                                    LEMONY LETTERS
       Something to get off your chest? Send your complaints and compliments to:

                               A Speech on the Behalf of the Christian Democrats
                               Dear The Lemon Press,
                                The moral pollution of university life is rife within our social
                               hubbub. The stink of debauchery does not emanate from the lake
                               on summer days or public toilets after Friday nights, but from the
                               stench of pleasure that students so readily mask with cheap
                               perfume and Lynx.
                                     Condoms are distributed willy-nilly, to students who should
                               have been raised better. They are like fun sized balloons in sweet-
                               packet wrapping, masking the lubricated horrocity that lies
                                     If only students knew better of the horrors condoms cause.
                               Aside from aiding the spread of Sexually-Transmitted-Pleasure,
                               they allow casual fun to be a major factor in university life. I ask,
                               friends, what happened to the good old days of committed
                               academia and theological reflection? It has been flushed down
                               the toilet like a used sheath. We are the plunger, Christian
                               comrades, we must unblock the detritus of liberation, and seek to
                               wipe up the sticky, delicious mess before it infects us too.
                                                                                        Alex Allison

                                                Regarding Acomb
               STFU!                            I was thrilled to see your trip to Acomb in the last
                       Which media              issue was a success; I endeavour to take on a similar
                       society chair            trip myself. However, before even considering the
                       recently ran over a      travel, I had the fortune of acquainting myself with
                       local mutt and           two Acombites, who were more than willing to
                       buried it’s body in      enlighten me with their customs in exchange for
                       the woods behind         explanations of things such as payslips and tax
                       Wentworth?               returns. One of the most interesting things they
                                                told me was that in Acomb, whilst one might
   The Lemon Press Elections:                   assume the local greeting of " 'ere, mate!" could be
                                                loosely translated to "Hey, chaps!", it actually
     Get involved with York’s
                                                means, "Ear, mate" or "I want your ear!" They also
      longest running satire                    recommended that I made sure to be carrying
            magazine.                           cigarettes (to trade with the locals), cheap tarts (to
              Week 9                            trade with the locals), and an assortment of cakes. I
                                                wanted to pass these lessons on whilst I still have
   Join our Facebook group for                  the chance, in case I never return.
             more info                                                          Fliss from Psychology

          Page 26                                                          Spring Term 09/10
                                        The Lemon Press

               I had the worst Christmas. I put on three stone from binging on
        chocolates and roast potatoes which in turn caused my boyfriend to
        leave me, I seem to have developed a pretty serious drinking problem
        and I’m pretty sure I caught gonorrhoea from a drunken New Year’s
        shag. I’ve come back to York depressed, fat and disease-ridden. Please
        help... people have stopped talking to me.
        Yours in desperation,
        Sad, single 2nd Year, Tang Hall

                       Oh dear we have let ourselves go haven’t we?
                             I know it’s tempting to descend into sluttishness and slobbery
                       over the holidays, but look where it’s got you! Well, you’ll need to
                       work off that weight gain somehow, and therefore I suggest killing
                       two birds with one stone by finding yourself a hot Latin lover (or
                       similar) – sex is marvellous exercise my love and you’ll also be
                       making your callous ex jealous in the process; perfect!
                             The drinking problem needn’t be a problem if handled
                       correctly: nothing worse than a drunk woman darling but as long as
                       you’re drinking something chic and dainty - we all know my feelings
                       on Martinis, but you could do equally well with a nice Cognac or
                       Single Malt - drinking is marvellously elegant.
                             With regards to your ‘romantic’ disease, I’d recommend
                       getting yourself down to the clinic tout de suite! Get your little mess
                       cleared up, and in the future dear, do make sure you protect
                       yourself from such unsavoury visitors by using a good quality
                             And finally dear, do remember to try not to wallow in self pity
                       – no man wants a girl who is constantly whingeing about her life:
                       I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities, and once you’ve
                       sorted out your Christmas excess problems you should bring these
                       to the fore!
Top Tips!
•Have lots of old photos? Why not make them into a trendy photo frame? That way your old
memories can encase your new ones!
•Like those trendy UGG boots, but not the high price tag? Just superglue some Perspex to the
soles of a pair of cheap slipper boots – Bargain!
•Want luscious blonde locks, but can’t afford salon prices? Pouring the bleach from the
bathroom works just as well as those fancy hair treatments – at a fraction of the price!

                Got a problem you need Miss M to solve?
                 Join The Lemon Press Facebook group!
        Spring Term 09/10                                                        P age 27
...Causing our current financial crisis   The Lemon Press

     the internet
     some day
     i'll be asked,
     'What was it like before the internet?'           my dream party
     and i'll look a little                            has practical implications
     baffled                                           which would hold it back:
     and shift my weight                               all the guests are dead
     from heel                                         and none of them speak English.
     to toe                                                                Alex Allison
     and say
     I can't remember.'
     and i won't have lied.                                   ‘There will
                                                                be no
                                                              whimsy in
    Cafe Culture
    The coffee shop swung into view -
                                                              my paper!’
    Mondays, muffins are on offer -
    But it turned out they were cashew;
    Bad times, for I’m no nut scoffer.

    So carrot cake it had to be
    And I slumped down to read the Times.
    Excitingly, I stumbled on
    Some interview with LeAnn Rimes.

    Then getting tired of social norms
    I kicked a small child in the face,
    Poured my espresso on the floor,
    And set fire to the whole damn capitalist place.

           Page 28                                                   Spring Term 09/10
                                      The Lemon Press

Gary Potts and               the    Milky      I’m a pillar spitting chalk     Filling her chair
                                               Walking back and forth          With a perfect bum
Massacre, Part I                               Against a green                 Strawy hair
                                               So far from grass               And I compare
Gary sat bolt upright. His head was            Before the screaming            The chance I had
                                               silence                         Twenty years to now
pounding – it was the ska again. Nobody        That is my class                From brittle to limp
in Griffrhysdor had had a good night's                                         Biscuit quick
sleep ever since the House Elvis's had         I can see their brains
                                               Shuffle out the door            No, let’s not despair
formed and started rehearsing in the           The ones not dozing             For the girl with the hair
middle of the night, as this was the only      On the floor                    Will see your good heart
time when they weren't being forced to         Doodle, whisper, whistle,       Mature in its art
                                               sing                            Your humour could dazzle
cook and clean for the pampered freaks         Ignore the subject              -Your seasoned, not
of Pigwarts. Gary, who was a very light        You’re drowning in              frazzled
sleeper, and also the chosen one, had                                          So let’s go through this
                                               Oh, who do I kid?               again
been one of the students worst affected        This lesson ain’t worth
by the painfully loud music. Pulling his hat   squat                           Every lecture is the same
over his bushy jet black hair before going     You pretend to listen-          The halfway point is mud
                                               I know you’re not               But then, we find a flood
down to a hearty Elvis-made breakfast in       Once my passion burned;         Of interest from the art
the Central Hall, Gary felt more alone         hot                             Defence of my years spent
than ever in his suffering. No one             enough to scold                 In library’s cruel rent
                                               And send me running bold        Pull the audience with me
understood what it was like not to get any     into battle, breach             See how charming I can
sleep because of the ska, or at least this     And Lecture Hell                be?
was what he thought in his blind                                               The girl with hair,
                                               With sword in hand              She chuckles
arrogance. If only Professor Dumbeldawn        (My laser pen)                  Her laughter
was still alive, Gary thought. He could ask    Pointed to                      My spirit ruffles
him for the answers he so desperately          The enemy’s den
                                               Your student heart              I’ll teach to her
needed, such as where a decent pair of         To pry apart                    Then the others
earplugs could be found.                       And fill with smarts            From the bright green
                                                                               blackboard’s cover
                                               Now                             This knowledge, don’t you
Read more of the same in J.K. Rowling’s        The pen has faded all too       spurn
extensive back catalogue of crap               quick                           You’ll listen and you’ll
                          Dominic Mantle       I find I grip upon my stick     learn
                                               With less fervor than           Your hearts are mine to
                                               before                          mould
                                               In me there’s little light to   So once more I’ll be bold
                                               spare,                          My answer without
                                               And not a little more           question:
                                                                               Here begins the lesson!
                                               I count the years
                                               You have on me                            Elliott Gresswell
                                               Old Man Teacher
                                               with his ginger tea
                                               There’s a girl
                                               In Row One

        Spring Term 09/10                                                             P age 29
                                         The Emo Press
                                                  A Night in the Bush
                                                  My heart is black like the sun at night,
                                                  Gone from me like the day,
      Barry the Bluebottle                        And invisible now, like my tears
A great annoyance, Barry the Bluebottle had
                                                  That you don’t see, because they’re not
it coming and got it, courtesy of a brief
meeting with a rolled up newspaper and the        like stars,
window. He spent his time landing on things       They don’t shine, they’re kind of watery
– your arm, the chair, your plate – and then      and see-through,
flying away again, somehow making an              Which is why you don’t love me!
inordinate amount of noise. He was also           They are not like the moon, which is
responsible for at least one additional           white and cold,
incident of somebody mistakenly thinking ‘Oh      Like the pale carcass hanging from a tree
no, there’s a bee in the room,’ and for           That represents your love for me.
perpetuating the stereotype of whimsical          And in that carcass is a maggot,
imaginary creatures usually having alliterative
                                                  Wriggling and eating, causing a hole,
names. Barry will not be missed, but will get
                                                  A hole where your heart is,
his revenge in small measure through
somebody having to clean up the mess he           And it tears me in half,
made when he was pulverised.                      And my top half falls off,
                                                  Like a statue cut in half by a laserbeam.
                                                  Pew pew pew,
      The last candle                             And my guts fall out
Born a while ago, the last candle was the         And wrap around my throat
archetypal tea light, that notable combination    And oppress me like my suffocating need
of foil and wax. Throughout its short life it     for affirmation and love.
gave us frankly inadequate lighting and even      I write my name in blood on your face,
poorer heating as we waited for the power to      Which I’ve drawn on a cardboard box
come back on. It smelt quite nice – being
                                                  With a black felt tip pen,
scented – and it was also fun, reminding us of
                                                  Because I can’t bear to see you again.
a simpler time. Interests included flickering,
making a mess on the table, and providing a       If I were to lay my eyes on you again,
decent example of combustion in action. The       I think I’d die
last candle died a minute or so ago, meaning      ...and also probably be arrested
that I can no longer actively moderate my         Unless I hide in the bushes at night,
handwriting. Its memory will live on in the       But then you might think I’m a little
existence of millions of other completely         creepy
identical tea lights, to the extent that we’ll    Which whilst true is not my objective in
probably just get some more.                      writing this dirge to our love.
                                                  Won’t you come back to me?
                                                              Ryan Fitzgerald, spurned lover
                                                                 Spring Term 09/10
                        The Emo Press
•Aromatic Party
He’s soaking in the
Hoisin of your lies
•Gillette Fusion
The comfort of five
•Self loathing
That wasn’t even
•Sweeping your
hair to the left
Chris and Dave say,
“right is right”
•Carebears On
A late night Youtube
session uncovers this
veritable crock of
An emotional sellout
to the Kraft-Man
                     Inside this week’s bumper issue:
  25 ways to                                                               Stock emo
                     We test drive 3
   impress                                          Jeans:                   joke #4
                      of the latest
 depress your                                                           They should be easy to
                         razors                                         mock, but we’re really
partner in bed            “Your most          How tight is too tight?
                                                                        scraping the bottom of
 “They’ll love you   comfortable shave yet”                                 the barrel here.
     for this”
 It's like, ‘How much more black could this be?' and the answer is
                     'None. None more black.’

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