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“ “ Thought I was gone?
Think again!
I’m back and better than ever!
Volume 21 Issue 4
- The 432
”
January 22, 2008”
BY THE SCIENCE UNDERGRADUATE SOCIETY OF UBC
YAY SCIENCE WEEK! YAY SCIENCE WEEK! YAY SCIENCE WEEK! YAY SCIENCE WEEK! YAY SCIENCE WEEK!
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Science WeEK
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2008
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2 THE 432 Jan. 22, 2008
Dogwash!
By: Varun Ramraj
Fedora Bearer
T oday we are going to talk about wash-
ing your dog. Your dog professes to be
your best friend every time it sits on command
and looks you in the eye with that all-knowing
stare, when in reality, it’s thinking about what
you are going to feed it. Nevertheless, percep-
tion is reality, and therefore it is important to
reward your dog with the occasional wash. Let Volume 21
us begin by breaking down the scents that ema-
nate from your furry friend.
Issue 4
January 22, 2008
1. Soil: I, like most connoiseurs of nature,
enjoy the smell of fresh pine-strewn soil. M
Your dog, however, is on an exponentially Varun Ramraj
greater scale of mud-love. Your dog will
frolick and roll around, and return home
Q-BRANCH
with minute particles of soil trapped in his Casey Chan
fur. This will go unnoticed for a few days,
or, if it’s raining outside, a few hours. After
such time, your dog will smell bad enough MI-6
that he would be rejected by your city’s Dogwash: The smug face of one of the Jacob Cosman
garbage collection services, if he were in subjects of our study... before the treatment. Paul Lu
fact, garbage, and not your dog. ible for use with a pressure washer. Next, in- Chris Tarantino
terface this soap with a pressure washer. Place SUS Councillors and Execs
2. Leaves: When the soil gets cold and the your dog in an outdoor pool, and position the
grass dies, a new contender emerges. Dry pool at the corner between two walls, perhaps MONEYPENNY
leaves and wet leaves are both very suscep- in a garage. Ample lighting is key! Lois Chan
tible to being attacked by your dog, espe- You are now in your “ready” stance. Al-
cially when they are organized into a neat low water to flow into the pressure washer and TELEGRAM WATCH BOND
pile. Your dog will return home from play- slowly raise the washing head towards the dog.
Pretend to spray the dog a few times, without GADGET
ing outside, covered in either whole leaves Horizon Publications: Vancouver, BC
or moist mulch (assuming a typhoon went actually doing so. Yelling “BOO!” is recom-
through your area a few minutes ago), and mended. At the fourth or fifth time, spray the
he will immediately qualify for a discount dog (it is imperative that the pressure washer LEGAL INFORMATION
on mushroom manure. itself is off at this time. We are only using it to The 432 is a publication of the Science
mix soap and water, not for its ability to break Undergraduate Society of UBC. We are not
3. Miscellaneous compounds: For fear of through the side panels of a house). The dog responsible for misuse of this paper; including
sounding crass and rude, I have grouped will probably show a hint of surprise. Repeat but not limited to usage as instruments of
every other item into this category, since the steps of feigning spraying followed by a real arson, assault, armed robbery, impaired driving,
there are numerous other ways your dog spray. See what we are doing here? Condition- rape, murder, fraud and gross indecency. This
can smell awful, and I wish to target the ing is very powerful when rewards are given issue is made from 100% recyclable materials
more important issue of how to wash your occasionally, rather than at every time. Your <Science Week is coming>.
dog correctly. dog will soon begin to salivate in anticipation
of a soapy spray! All views expressed in this issue are strictly
Washing your dog is an art, not so much those of the individual writers, and as such
in the sense of beauty, but due to the sheer diffi- [This strategy was tested on a sample of four are not the responsibility of The 432,
culty in obtaining a squeaky clean canine at the dogs: a greyhound, a toy poodle, a schnauzer The Science Undergraduate Society, or
end. If you have a dog who is afraid of baths, and a Great Dane. The bigger dogs responded the Faculty of Science. <Science Week is
this guide is for you! well to the treatment, while the smaller ones next week> Writers and cartoonists are
The best strategy to employ is to first suffered acute heart attacks due to trauma. Use encouraged to submit their material to The
purchase some gentle soap solution, compat- 432. <That’s not far away at all> Submission
this strategy at your own risk.]
must meet the requirements of making the
director chuckle thrice and must contain the
author’s name and contact information.
<Clear your schedule>
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
<Attend our events>
http://sciteam.ubc.ca/~sciteam/w/index.php/Sciteam:07-08/Events/Get_Learn’d_Conference
Vol. 21 Issue 4 THE 432
3
Grade Watching
By: Lacey Fishnets
Nephelococcygia. That’s the term for when
FILLER By Paul Lu
you are laying back on the grassy knoll staring at the
sky and wondering if the cloud you are looking at is
the shape of Stephen Toope taking an axe-swing at
the budget, or more of a 99 Bline speeding through
a puddle and soaking your new jeans. Yes, cloud
watching is fun. But have you every tried staring
at course grade distributions? We here at the 432,
proud to bring the latest in recreational trends to
Science students, did, in the very same manner in
which we lead the charge with Ugg boots. First,
we went to the very useful website: http://www.
pair.ubc.ca, presumably staffed by a collection of
lulu lemon-wearing StatsCan rejects inhabiting the
bowels of some nook in the GSA building. We
then picked a few courses and interpreted what the
grade distributions were telling us.
CHEM 233: Organic Chemistry
Looks sort of like a ski slope. Although
instead of smoothly carving down it, you hit a rock
at the top and crash, tumble, and roll – along with
your GPA – to the bottom. On the way you hit a
woman in a pink frock, a small dog, and what ap-
pears to you to be some sort of chocolate bar. After
it all you need medical attention, which is ironic
since before you got your mark in this course, that
was the career field you had planned to enter.
MICB 402: Advanced Immunology
AMS VP Administration Candidate’s
Right Hand Aide Tells All!!! stop that kind of momentum; no one knew what
By: Lacey Fishnets
It all began with a knock and slip of an hit them”
envelope under the Inter Faculty Publishing Of- Other AMS insiders corroborate what
fice door in the SUB basement: one of Sarah Right says.
Naiman’s aids wasn’t happy, and was willing to “There are no two golden winnebagoes
This course is strange for a number of bare all for this reporter. After agreeing to meet about it, she’s stacked politically.” says Rodrigo
reasons. First of all, the prof’s name is Harder. at an undisclosed location, the knocker, known Cashonlioni, manager of the Pit Burger Bar. He
(Please insert raunchy annotations here) Second of only as ‘Right,’ peered through a sweater-type goes on to say that he at one point complained
all, the grade distribution looks like its giving us veil and told its story. about the time it was taking to get the ketchup
the middle finger. We could also say that if you “Up until now, Ms. Naiman has presented dispenser replaced to Ms. Naiman, and she re-
look at it upside down, it resembles an ass crack. a unified front in her bid for the position” Right sponded by launching her political torpedoes at
There really is some Ag:Ab specificity here. him.
said.
PHYS 313: Thermodynamics “I mean, all we wanted to do was dip our
“But, there really is a deep valley between
the two facets of her platform” it continued. In fries in the stuff, and she wouldn’t hear anything
her published platform, she claims to be commit- about it.” Cashonlioni states.
ted to streamline the administration process for Naiman supporters say people are
clubs, but Right says that this just isn’t the case. squeezing too much out of Right’s allegations.
“She always has two [big] opinions about In a press release, issued by Naiman Headquar-
every issue, and sometimes they don’t even point ters, officials state that they are disappointed to
in the same direction” says Right. hear of Right’s allegations.
When queried on how these stances re- “We have been made abreast of its views
This course is possessed. What appear to recently, and we would like for it [the source]
late, Right says that there is a left and right wing
be devil horns project from this graph. Worse, it’s to open up a dialogue with the campaign execu-
a thermodynamics course, which if we remember
theme to all her views.
“You never know which one’s going to tive.”
correctly, dictates that there exists a function of H Aside from turning the proverbial politi-
= U + PV, where H is hellishness of student’s life, pop out first” it says.
The source states that clubs will be at the cal headlights onto the issue, Right says it will
U is ugliness of student (-1 to 10), P is percent (0- remain firm, but welcoming to attempts by the
100), and V is vagina (1 or 0). mercy of her political bazookas if she is elected,
and will have little bounce with AMS council if campaign to rectify things.
There you have it, now that you have been
they dislike what she does. “This will be a hands-on process from
introduced to the soothing technique of grade dis-
“She has all kinds of support; I’m mean, this point forward.”
tribution watching, you too can achieve a new level
just look at what she did to SAC. No one could Continued on Page 6 >>
of nerdstrom.
4 THE 432 Jan. 22, 2008
Vol. 21 Issue 4 THE 432
5
6 Selected S.W. Events
THE 432 Jan. 22, 2008
Continued From Page 3 >>
(1) DR. DAVID SUZUKI SPEECH @ (2) FYC BBQ: Editorial
WESBROOK 100: SUS’s First Year Committee is Board
Dr. David Suzuki will be among us on promising nothing less than delicious After exhaustive interviews, research,
January 28th to direct our focus to, provide us “gourmet” style burgers for just a BUCK and fact finding trips to Washington State, the
with a deeper insight in, and share his vision and (...and just 50 cents more for cheese!). Feed 432 is pleased to bring you our endorsements (of
leadership about one of the biggest challenges your hunger while saving all that cash! Oh the the serious candidates) for the AMS Presidential
our world faces today: Sustainability. Come and things you can do with all of that! (Proceeds election:
be a part of this stimulating experience and learn from Science Week are going towards 1. Mike Duncan: YES
how you can be an agent of change and how you supporting the David Suzuki Foundation). Why? He’s in Science. And he has been entirely
can make a difference that impacts our planet blue for over one hour in a given day. This is im-
in a positive manner. Come to learn about hear- (3) Super SCI-Fun! portant to us. Plus, unlike the other candidates,
ing him address present days most controversial An outreach effort from SUS for kids he can scuba dive. If the cliffs every gave way
challenges such as global conservation, fighting at Canuck Place Kid’s hospice. and UBC suddenly submerged, who would you
climate change and how to build a sustainable Do YOU want to experience Science want as President? We think that settles it.
economy. Join us in Wesbrook 100 at 4:30 PM week in its full spirit? Think you are popular 2. Matt Naylor: NO
for finding solutions and building hope for our with kids? Most of all, Do you want to make Why Not? He’s not in Science. He was, but then
planet’s future. All proceeds from Science Week a difference in lives of kids by spreading the he left. If you can’t handle the heat stay out of
will be going towards supporting the cause in good word about science? IF your answer the kitchen, eh Matt?
David Suzuki foundation. is YES, then we WANT you! Come join in 3. Rodrigo Ferrari-Nunes: NO
Little Miss Science
By: Little Miss Science
as SUS volunteers travel down to Canuck
Place Kids Hospice and spend a GREAT,
Why Not? Although we are tempted to vote
for an Italian sports car/holy woman, we simply
SCIENCE MAGIC filled time with kids. This cannot tolerate the amount of pompous aloofness
Q : Ph.D students from my lab keep bor- event, like no other- promises lots of COOL
rowing my solutions, dropping my pi- Science TRICKS, great deal of FUN and of
pettes, and then asking me to wash dishes. course- that good old warm, happy and fuzzy
this candidate displays. Jam Spaces? What are
those? Is Smuckers going to be onsite? Pick and
can all in a day? We’ll stick with peanut butter.
I feel like it’s putting strain on our relation- feeling that comes from knowing you have
ship. Should I bring it up? Or submit to the had a positive impact on a kid’s life! Apply
inequity of scientific hierarchy? now! Do it!
-Drowning In Glassware Date: 30th January, 2008 (Wednesday)
Time: Meet up at 12:30 PM. Back on
A : This is definitely a difficult situation, campus by 3:00 PM
DIG, and I can definitely sympathize. At Place: Canuck Place kids Hospice
my last summer research job, the grad student 1690, Matthews Avenue , Vancouver
at the desk next to me knew that I was his sub-
ordinate and therefore required to listen re- (4) Beat the Tension!!**
spectfully to his thoughts. Generally they were When FORCES of nature pull you
concerned with Princess Diana, and often this back into great deep void, see who can run
involved the Jews too. the farthest, defying the impregnable and
“You know, the Jews killed her. Diana, all mighty laws of physics and SURVIVE.
Exec Reports
I mean. Very good people – cunning and hard- Gallant survivors will get yummy prizes and Mike Duncan: President
working. But they are sneaky. She was going to those who can pass the line of power will The best week of the year, Science Week, is upon
have an Arab baby.” Whereupon I nodded po- qualify to win a $15 gift cerificate! This event us. If you haven’t ever been to Jello Wrestling,
litely and tried to hide the bagel I was eating. Science Olympics, or Cold Fusion, I seriously
is brought to you by your very own First
Anyway, I digress. My point is as fol- Year Committee. (**Disclaimer: The FYC is suggest you check them, and the many other
lows: grad students were in exactly in your posi- NOT responsible for any participants who are amazing events that take place during Science
tion less than three years ago, and now they are unable to conquer this tension and get sucked Week, out. This is my favourite time of year
elevated to this position of mystical authority, back into the black hole). (although I think I might be biased).
with great power over the marks of individual
undergraduate students. So it’s understandable, I want to send out a big welcome to Varun
(5) Open House: Ramraj, who was recently appointed as the
I guess, that this goes to their heads a little.
Class time and office hours aren’t interim Director of Publications after Ally Vaz
Unfortunately, there is not a whole lot
enough for you to chat with your professors? resigned due to personal reasons. We are really
you can do. Saying something directly to the
Do you have burning questions and ideas for excited to have Varun join the team and look
grad students (e.g., “stop stealing and breaking
the Deans about how to improve the faculty of forward to some awesome issues of the 432.
my things, jerks”), hopefully in a polite man-
Science? Or DO YOU WANT FREE FOOD?
ner (e.g., “please stop stealing and breaking my
Come in on Tuesday, January 29th from Finally, I just want to get everyone excited about
things, jerks”), might work well. They might
11:00 PM to 1:00 PM at the Abdul Ladha SUS Elections. They are still about 2 months
not really notice that the issue, so this might
Centre to get to your fellow science students, away; however, if this is something that you
clear everything up. Even if they get offended,
talk to your Deans, have some fun playing think might interest you I suggest talking to the
just remember that, in the end, grad students are
games, have some refreshments,and above current executive to see what the job entails. It
not the ones who get to hire and fire you or re-
all, get to know your AWESOME Science is a big time commitment, but has also been one
new your grant, generally speaking.
Undergraduate Society! of the most rewarding experiences I have had
Look on the bright side – in a couple
years, you yourself might be a grad student, and here at UBC. Think about it.
then you’ll be able to exact revenge on a new (6) JelloWrestling: Jamil Rhajiak: VP External
crop of undergraduate students. Your craziest fantasies have come
alive, SUS make sure they do! Take on that Please see “Science Week”.
Hey science students! Are you having challenge, jump in the ring and wrestle that Jimmy Yan: VP Internal
Greetings! I continue to run my committees;
issues with ettiquette, relationships, or second- annoying kid from your chem lab... all in Jel-
First Year Committee is preparing for its event at
year organic chemistry? If so, email little.miss. lo! Although SUS advises to avoid any con-
Science Week (come out to check it out!), while
science@gmail.com and we will see what we sumption of Jello, but if you must, go right
Academic Committee has resumed examining
can do! (If you’re failing second-year organic ahead!
department relations. The next couple of weeks
chemistry, maybe med school isn’t for you af-
And this is just a TASTE of Science Week! should be eventful, so I will have a longer report
ter all. But that’s okay; there are lots of other
next time! Stay tuned!
things you can do with a biology degree.)
Vol. 21 Issue 4 THE 432
7
For Your Convenience By: You Know Who?
A n old friend came to visit from Ontario,
a short adorable pink-haired astronomy
major. I endeavoured to show her all the
of dildos in all colours of the rainbow as
well as a veritable library’s worth of books
on the clitoris. (Seriously, if you ever need Exec Reports
prominent aspects of Vancouver culture. After to know a whole lot about the clitoris,
all the basics (sushi, Wreck Beach, the night and you learn well through reading, head straight Alex Lougheed: Director of
market, Granville Island, more sushi – what do out to Womyns’ Ware.) Administration
tourists do here?) we ended up on a grand tour of My astronomy major friend spent Please see my quarterly reports.
Vancouver’s sex shops. about two hours in here, talking to a friendly Lois Chan: Director of Finance
For the most part, I pride myself in saleswoman in a button-down shirt. It was pretty Please see my quarterly reports.
knowing the basics of safe sex, kink, and other clear that neither of them really needed to read up Varun Ramraj: Director of
such excitement – but this was probably the most on the clitoris – they knew what they were talking Publications
educational day I’ve had in a while. After listening about. Many of the displays are accompanied I have taken over as Director of Publications until the
to her conversations with various cheerful and by little cards explaining the rationale for next SUS exec. election. I spent most of last week
knowledgeable sex shop employees, I feel as selling the product – one row of Lucite dildos organizing this issue of The 432, the one you are
if, given a cow and some brass, I could fashion was accompanied by a short but fascinating currently holding. I will also be helping out during
Science Week and I want to see EVERYONE there!
a fully functioning strap-on harness. With my explanation of plane shearing in glass. (Some-
bare hands. Their discussions were surprisingly where out there, there must be a cabal of materials Meghan Ho: Public Relations
science-heavy, with lots of talk about friction and chemists and condensed-matter physicists Officer
wattage and vibration – I was pretty impressed, looking for new shear-proof and dishwasher- Hi SUS, I hope you’re off to a great start to 2nd term!
actually. friendly materials, and when they find them, The PR Committee meets every Friday at noon at Ladha,
Anyway, there was a huge range in there is nowhere to sell them except to sex toy if you’re interested in joining (pro.sus@gmail.com). In
quality between the stores, both in terms of staff manufacturers. I am looking forward to grad 1st term, Science won Shinerama ($337.50), and we
raised $2807 for Let’s Talk Science. We also held a
and wares. It didn’t really seem to correlate school already.) Welcome Back BBQ, a Buck-a-Burger, water balloon
with price, or location, but a few had the After this first visit to Womyns’ fight (we beat the EUS!) and gave away cotton candy.
knowledgeable staff and user-friendly products Ware, I was impressed, and when a friend Come out to the Open House at Ladha on
of an Apple store, while most had the surly expressed curiosity about a related purchase, I Tuesday, Jan.29 from 11 to 1:30 to meet profs,
septuagenarian lurking behind the counter and recommended that we hit up Womyns’ Ware. He’s deans and advisors! Get some free food as well!
New SUS clothing will be on sale during Science
the messy rows of merchandise that one would a humanities major from SFU, and a little on the Week at the SUS booth! 50% of the profits
expect at a Seven Eleven. androgynous side – but once his maleness was go to support the Free the Children charity.
Under the assumption that someone in established, things got rather chilly with the Check out our website, http://www.sus.ubc.ca,
Science is getting laid (what with the Science same salesperson as before. I’d recommend for a chance to win free tickets to conferences!
Week and all the associated partying) it seemed this store if you are of the female persuasion, See you during Science Week!
like a good idea that we inform you, the consumer, but otherwise it’s probably not somewhere that Sonia Purewal: Director of Sports
of which are the best sex stores in Vancouver, for you’ll feel welcome. The year has been going very well! The science
any purchases you might care to make. Therefore, undergraduates put out 10 different teams and
sponsored over 25 teams in UBC Rec’s intramurals
the following is the Official 432 List of the Best 1. Priape – 1148 Davie St
leagues. All the teams did great in the playoffs and
Sex Stores in Vancouver. Known as Gay Mart (seriously) until it represented well! Science is currently second in the
was bought out by Priape (which is some sort Pomfret Division for unit points, second only to Arts.
3. Little Sister’s – 1238 Davie St of national chain of similar establishments), the Sports Committee held the Amazing X-mas Race
Little Sister’s Book and Art Emporium storefront of this establishment features in late November with over 30 participants and is
currently organizing Science Olympics. If you would
is an old-school gay bookstore and somewhat mannequins in briefs, bondage gear, and a row
like to participate email sports.sus@gmail.com. We
of a Davie institution. Currently the owners are of posters featuring models in similar gear. are looking to host a series of workshops in the coming
engaged in a drawn-out court battle with the Priape does not have the same little cards as months to introduce science students to new sports and
Canadian government, because the government Womyns’ Wear; most of the clientele are middle- activities to promote health, well-being and to just
asserts its right to declare a lot of things aged Davie denizens with superbly maintained have fun!
obscene (including disappointingly bland news facial hair, and they already know what they are Lawrence Chow: Social
magazines that are on sale at Chapters anyway) doing.
– so shopping here is kind of fashionable in that Fortunately, for the rest of us, the staff
Coordinator
The social committee has kicked it up a notch this year
you are supporting the fight against censorship, members are friendly, helpful, and surprisingly with bigger and better events. On November 30th, we
if you are concerned about that sort of thing. unflappable. One of them started a lot of ran the incredibly successful event, Alchemy with a
Back on topic, the shop has an impressive sentences with “When I was domming in turnout of over 250 people. This term, we are working
selection of paraphernalia that should appeal to Amsterdam…” and I took this to be a reassuring hard on our annual Science week concert Cold Fusion
(featuring A Whole Lotta Led), another dance party
a wide audience, including some vintage porn sign of experience. If he was perhaps particularly at Ladha, a video game tournament (in association
(everyone has a mustache), assorted toys, and friendly to the scrawny twenty-year-old male with the Competitive Gaming Association of UBC),
a big shelf of lube with clearly marked sample companion of the customer – more so than to the biweekly movie nights at Ladha, and possibly a year-
bottles (useful for taste tests of the edible customer herself (he apparently felt the need to end semi-formal party at the Telus World of Science.
lubes). touch my arm with every sentence) – well, this is We are working hard to bring you the best of science
this year, we hope you enjoy it. On a side note, OMFG
It loses points, however, for the part of Priape’s charm. The toys were impressive, COME TO COLDFUSION ALREADY!
supremely unhelpful staff. They don’t bother with dildos ranging in size from index finger
to hide the fact that they want you to leave, and to femur, and the conversation educational Diana Diao: Science Student
generally can’t offer any advice about their (although I probably didn’t need to know what Senator
wares. For those of us who aren’t hardcore sounding was – and if you don’t know, don’t HAPPY SCIENCE WEEK everyone!
Senate-related business affecting science students, I
experts in this kind of things, it’s difficult to Google it). will keep it short and sweet:
figure out what to buy, and sort of intimidating I have since gone here with other friends 1) Provincial Exams will still be required for
in the first place. (including a physics grad student who actually BC secondary students entering UBC this fall.
brought a shopping list) and the service and 2) Please send me your comments regarding potentially
2. Womyns’ Ware – 896 Commercial Dr selection have been consistently impressive. implementing new English requirements that are more
faculty specific (e.g. Science students will take 3 or
Womyns’ Ware is epic. The Georgia For what it’s worth, most items were also a lot 6 or 9 credits of “English/Communication/Writing”
Straight and the Westender name it the best sex cheaper than comparable or identical ones at courses offered by the Faculty of Science instead of
store in the city year after year. Located on the Womyns’ Ware. If you feel the need to patronize English 110 or 111 or 112 or 120 or 121 etc. offered by
rapidly-gentrifying lesbian-friendly Commercial any sex shop in Vancouver, I’d say this should be Arts) at senator.sus@gmail.com.
Drive, this store stocks a ridiculous range your first choice. YAY SCIENCE WEEK!
8 THE 432 Jan. 22, 2008
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